#northangerabbey #janeeyre https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5domZkB-eRa6BuFOO8OXaQ https://dailymotion.com/bethfreed25
Whilst Caroline tries to remember what happened at her party Mac fails an interview for promotion and Martin has to sit his exams for the hundredth time. After having sex with Alan Joanna worries that she is pregnant and goes for a test but her results are confused with those of Harriet from Human Resources, who is pregnant - again. Alan is relieved when the truth is explained but Joanna dumps him anyway, causing him to steal a milk float in his anger.
Starring: Mark Heap; Tamsin Greig; Sarah Alexander; Sally Bretton; Oliver Chris; Olivia Colman; Stephen Mangan
Whilst Caroline tries to remember what happened at her party Mac fails an interview for promotion and Martin has to sit his exams for the hundredth time. After having sex with Alan Joanna worries that she is pregnant and goes for a test but her results are confused with those of Harriet from Human Resources, who is pregnant - again. Alan is relieved when the truth is explained but Joanna dumps him anyway, causing him to steal a milk float in his anger.
Starring: Mark Heap; Tamsin Greig; Sarah Alexander; Sally Bretton; Oliver Chris; Olivia Colman; Stephen Mangan
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:15I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:16I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:17I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:18I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:19I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:20I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:21I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:22I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:23I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:24I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:25I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:26I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:27I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:29I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:30I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:31I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:32I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:33I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:34I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:35I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I'd be ready,
00:37Bunky!
00:41So I know exactly how slightly older you are.
00:53Oh happy birthday mum.
00:55Yep.
00:56Oh you're lovely.
01:06Oh, sorry. Sorry. Oh, sorry!
01:36Just me?
01:43We can only do one at a time.
01:46Can I have a chair?
01:50Well, we can have one brought in, but most people don't need one.
01:54Won't bother then. Won't bother.
02:06Thank you.
02:36You're welcome.
03:06When did you realise you were in the wrong exam room?
03:24Quite early on. But then I thought I was in a dream I once had,
03:30and that if I kept dancing, one of you would turn into Michaela Strachan
03:35and kiss me.
03:38Has this ever happened before?
03:40Oh, actually, it happened surprisingly often.
04:05I like your trousers. Are they new?
04:20Yeah. Shouldn't have worn them in the rain, though.
04:24Really heavy now.
04:25Makes your thighs look really tiny.
04:26Do they?
04:27Yeah.
04:29Well, my sweet, you're looking as glorious as ever.
04:35Oh, shut it, Alan. I'm feeling queasy as it is.
04:58Morning, ladies.
05:28Morning.
05:59Do you know how long it is since I've eaten carbohydrate?
06:16Yeah, all right, Lord of the Dance.
06:19What's the... Which midget are you playing?
06:22Look, I'm nervous, OK?
06:24What are you scared about, Marty?
06:26Oh, well, failing my exams again,
06:28and everyone I know realising what a loser I am and always will be,
06:31and losing any self-esteem that I ever had
06:33and hating myself and beating myself for the rest of my life.
06:36Oh, fair enough.
06:38Still, I suppose everyone feels like that about exams, don't they?
06:41Er, no, not me.
06:43Why not?
06:44Oh, let me think.
06:45Is it because exams are easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy,
06:48or is it because I'm brilliant?
06:51It's both!
06:54It's both!
06:55You see, the secretaries have never been at home to self-doubt.
06:58I have no idea what you're feeling.
07:00Well, it's bloody oral.
07:02Erm...
07:04Marty.
07:05What?
07:06Nothing.
07:07Examinations.
07:10Examinations!
07:13Examinations, that's what you need
07:16if you want to fail the test,
07:18if you want to be depressed.
07:20Examinations, that's what you need
07:23if you want to be a record failure.
07:26Stop flirting with me.
07:37I'm not mistaken, it's the brave explorer
07:39returning from the uncharted regions of drunkenness.
07:42No, no, stop saying words.
07:44OK, we could try morse, but I don't know any.
07:47It's a very interesting new walk you've got there.
07:49Invisible hangover hat.
07:51Do what now?
07:52Covering over my head is an invisible hangover hat.
07:55You can't see it.
07:56Because it's invisible.
07:57So if I straighten up, I'll be wearing the invisible hangover hat
08:01and then I will be very sick.
08:03I'm assuming you've taken painkillers.
08:05I want something stronger.
08:07I want the stuff you use to kill people.
08:10No, saving all that for Guy.
08:12Why are you all right? How can you be all right?
08:15Because I am the chosen one.
08:17Oh, no, why, why really?
08:18Because I didn't drink any of Guy's ethanol punch.
08:21OK, let's have a look at this hat of yours.
08:23Wait, no, what are you doing? Too much movement.
08:26OK, I'm swapping your hangover hat for my
08:31I knew when I'd had enough hat.
08:33There we go. Now.
08:40Thank you.
08:42Again.
08:44Mac, look, about last night, I just wanted to say,
08:49look, I need to clear up...
08:51Ah, exam boy. What time's kick-off?
08:53Oh, two o'clock. I'm just trying to find a place to do some last-minute cramming.
08:56Right, right. Good plan, good plan.
08:58See you later, loud people.
09:00Martin, I like your tail.
09:05Whoa.
09:06How long lights my arse?
09:08Yeah, that'll help out, yeah.
09:10How you feeling?
09:12Oh, geez, that's just been gone for a minute.
09:14Only exam. Just got to lighten up.
09:35Oh, no!
09:38Oh, I'm pregnant.
09:40What?
09:41I'm pregnant.
09:43What, again? Have you done a test?
09:45No, I just know.
09:47How can you just know?
09:48Oh, I can, I can sense it. It's in there and it's another boy.
09:51I really don't think it's possible for someone to just know they're pregnant.
09:54Right?
09:55No way.
09:56Oh, it is. There's a sort of low-level nausea in your belly,
09:59accompanied, strangely, by this overwhelming desire to eat fatty foods.
10:03The total lethargy, like you've had 15 Mogadon
10:06or been involved in a road-traffic accident.
10:08And then, on the plus side, your boobs swell,
10:10but on the downside, they're too tender for anyone to touch
10:13and then you're snappy, a bit like a Jack Russell, but bigger.
10:16Trust you're all focused on the day's workload, everyone.
10:19Or are you just tossing your one brain cell around the room as usual, hmm?
10:23Thick-hose!
10:35Do you know what I like about you?
10:38Fuck all.
10:47So, weren't you using anything?
10:49Oh, yes, we just seem to be incredibly unlucky with condoms.
10:52They always come off and then we can never find them.
10:55Unless the cat's in the bed, then he finds them.
10:57There was a night last week when Ian was on the homebrew and it completely disappeared.
11:01And I keep hoping it's going to pop out at any day, but it hasn't.
11:04Yeah, but if a man's had too much to drink, the sperm's area isn't that strong.
11:07Do you know about sperm? You've never been near any.
11:09Yes, I have. I had some on my skirt once, on the tube.
11:13It was a pencil skirt, too.
11:15Don't attest.
11:16I don't think you can get pregnant from it getting on your skirt.
11:18Not you! No, I haven't.
11:20I just know. It would be a waste of money.
11:24Here.
11:28I'll take it to the guy in the path lab.
11:30I'm a bit of a regular, so you won't have to worry.
11:32Just fill that.
11:33I've just been.
11:51Fuck!
11:54Fucking shit!
11:58Shit!
12:02Shit!
12:07Caroline, excuse me. Can I have a quick word?
12:09Yeah, of course.
12:11Um...
12:13In private, if that's OK.
12:16Uh, yep.
12:22Sorry, maybe I should have waited till we got home.
12:25It's just that it's sort of been bugging me and it's sort of getting me a bit annoyed
12:29and I don't want to get all stressed out and angry because it makes me look ugly.
12:33What is it? Have I done something to upset you?
12:35Are you wearing my pants?
12:37What?
12:38My very white Tanger briefs. They're plain cotton.
12:40Not sexies, but they're my cute sportsies.
12:43No, I haven't got them.
12:45Because I think you have.
12:47I put them in the tumble dryer last night, but they weren't there this morning when I came to iron them.
12:51You iron your pants?
12:52Of course.
12:53So if you could just return them to me, then I'll say no more about it.
12:57OK.
12:59Oh, you're wearing them now, aren't you?
13:01Oh, Caroline, you let your dirty washing stack up.
13:04You were desperate for a fresh pair.
13:06I understand, but it's the principle, you see.
13:10It's theft.
13:12Obviously I will not wear them after your vagina has been in them.
13:15I'll burn them.
13:17But I want what is legally mine.
13:19Shut up.
13:21What?
13:22I haven't taken your pants. I wouldn't want to.
13:24Stop being so anal.
13:26Give me back my pants. Don't make me get cross.
13:29You see, you've obviously got something to hide.
13:32Give me back my pants.
13:35Yes, the men have died and gone to heaven.
13:37The females fighting over their pants.
13:39They're going to rip each other's clothes off.
13:41I'll get her, Sammy.
13:42Sammy? What's wrong with you, boy? I'm like a flagpole.
13:44Come on, ladies.
13:45Come on. Come on.
13:46Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
13:48She's wearing my pants, even though they're too small for her.
13:50She wants to be me.
13:52I'm not wearing your pants. You wear children's clothes.
13:54Max, set them free. Let them fight.
13:56Gently, gently, gently.
13:58You are mad. No.
14:03Why don't you tell it to your boyfriend?
14:05He looks the type to wear everyone's pants.
14:08Oh, I'm sorry, Caro.
14:11I'll make it up to you. I'll buy you lunch.
14:19I'm late. Fucking late.
14:22Well, that's your prerogative. You're the boss.
14:24No, idiot. Feel my breasts.
14:28Oh, my beautiful, demanding Aphrodite.
14:31You're so exciting when you want me.
14:34Well?
14:35Well, what?
14:36You feel different.
14:40Mimi's slightly weightier than Charlotte, but...
14:43Dear God, I'm late.
14:45I need you to get me something.
14:47What? A taxic?
14:50Look, I presume you must be a reasonably intelligent man,
14:53otherwise they wouldn't let you work in a hospital.
14:55Well, thank you, thank you.
14:57Nice to know that somebody's on my side.
14:59There are times when you can appear remarkably thick.
15:02I don't understand.
15:03Well, there you are, you see. How can you not understand that?
15:06No, I understand you think I'm thick, but I don't understand why.
15:09I have an IQ of 139, I'm a member of Mensa,
15:12I can sing Baa Baa Black Sheep in Latin.
15:14Even so, I'm just not sure that you should have any children.
15:18I haven't got any children.
15:20Well, that's what you think.
15:21No, I can assure you I have no children.
15:23Well, there's a grave danger of you having one soon, all right?
15:39SHE GASPS
15:41SHE GRUNTS
15:48SHE SCREAMS
16:00OK, thank you, Claudette.
16:03To what are the French referring
16:06when they speak of a woman's casolette?
16:10Erm, her make-up bags.
16:12Wrong. Her sacks.
16:14Erm, her very large baskets.
16:16Utterly, utterly wrong.
16:18The sautillage of odours emanating from a woman
16:21is known as her casolette.
16:24What?
16:25The smell of her perfume mingling with her skin,
16:27her bodily fluids, her shampoo,
16:29which all come together to make...
16:31A dirty, minging woman.
16:32Trust the bloody French to make it sound right.
16:34Eight points to one.
16:35Thank you very much.
16:36Shush, shush.
16:37Bow down to the master.
16:38Shush.
16:40OK, I'll give you an easy one.
16:43Who wrote Paradise Lost?
16:44We said no book questions. What am I, a girl?
16:46Yes, you are, but I'll tell you anyway.
16:48I don't care. It's irrelevant to the quiz and mankind.
16:51Thank you very much. Bring on the next contestant, please.
16:54Well, what an absolute tragedy there.
16:56By posing an illegal question, he loses ten points.
17:00So it's another handsome victory for the young anaesthetist
17:03by one point to minus two.
17:08Get in.
17:09I love your casolette.
17:14What is it?
17:16Ooh, a straw-coloured liquid in a sample pot.
17:19We work in a hospital.
17:21Oh, is it wee?
17:23Come on, come on.
17:24I need a name.
17:26Big, geeky, nerdy twat face.
17:29I need a name for the sample.
17:31Well, it's for a friend of mine who wishes to remain anonymous.
17:35Is that going to cause problems in your weird little techno brain?
17:38No.
17:40No, it's just that usually we've got to go up on the roof and shout,
17:43''Pregnancy test results for the stupid lanky old bitch
17:46''who's not learned to take basic precautions
17:48''in her 40-odd years on this planet.''
17:50You know, assuming that your friend is quite lanky.
17:53Harriet Schulenburg. That's my friend's name.
17:56Right, you're sure about that one? Yes, quite sure, thank you.
17:59Right. How are you spelling Schulenburg?
18:01Any way you like.
18:03You've got to sign...
18:06Don't leave. I think I love you.
18:11Yes?
18:12I just wanted to say I'm sorry about what happened at my party.
18:18You know, the thing.
18:20Thing? What thing exactly?
18:22Yeah, the thing, you know, the incidents between you and me.
18:29We had an incident?
18:31Yeah, sort of lip-on-lip incident.
18:34Yeah, accident, possibly.
18:36Oh, that, that. Yeah, yeah, no.
18:38I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Perfectly all right.
18:40No, it isn't. You see, the thing is, I don't really like you.
18:43Well, yeah, I was wondering why you'd done it.
18:45Well, we were very close together and I just lost my balance and fell forwards
18:49and we ended up quite close together with our mouths open.
18:53It was an error. No.
18:55It was.
18:57No, I mean, that's not how we ended up together.
19:01That's not... It wasn't me.
19:03It was, it was. No.
19:05No, that was how you ended up kissing Guy.
19:08I kissed Guy?
19:10Yes, in the hall.
19:12We kissed in the loo.
19:14No, no, that was Sue White.
19:16Guy kissed Sue White? No, no, I kissed Sue White.
19:18You kissed Sue White?
19:20Possibly.
19:22Blimey.
19:24What, and you kissed Sue White and you don't remember us in the toilets?
19:27No. No, but, hold on.
19:29First you say you don't remember any kissing at all
19:32and now you're saying that there was kissing in the toilet.
19:35Which one is it? Kissing in the toilet?
19:37Yes.
19:39Who sang Kissing in the Toilet in 1978?
19:45Er, was it a young George Michael?
19:48Yes. Fucking hell, that wasn't me.
19:51Was it a young George Michael? Yes.
19:53Fucking hell, that was a guess.
19:56Kissing in the toilet.
19:58Don't flush, it's lush.
20:06Any internal mail for Harriet, give it to me first, OK?
20:09Yeah, OK. Why?
20:11Because, um, hate mail.
20:14What? Yeah, she's been getting hate mail.
20:17Death threats, you know, so I need to intercept her mail first.
20:20Why does she get death threats?
20:22Well, isn't it obvious? No.
20:25I can't think of a single reason why anyone wouldn't want to kill her.
20:39There you are.
20:41There you are.
20:43Something wrong? No, no, just overseeing.
20:46Hello. How are you?
20:48I'm not safe. Good, good.
20:50Alan Statham, consultant, radiology and imaging.
20:53Just keeping an eye on my flock.
20:56Let's have a look.
20:58Could be a little bit sharper.
21:00Back off a bit.
21:02I notice, um, yes, yes.
21:06A baby is there.
21:08A tiny little, tiny baby.
21:11You are there, aren't you?
21:13Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
21:15What are you going to be when you grow up?
21:17Are you going to be a radiologist like your Uncle Alan?
21:20Are you?
21:22You shall have a fishy on a little dish.
21:25You shall have a fishy when the boat comes in.
21:28Here comes the foghorn.
21:31You are a lovely little boy.
21:33You are a lovely little boy.
21:35Yes, you are. Oh, yes, you are.
21:37Oh, you are, you are, you are, you are, you are.
21:40It's a very... That's good.
21:42Well done. And you, well done.
21:44Where's he gone? Come on, in you go. On with your work.
21:47Right.
21:56I want to know what would happen if I didn't pass my exams this time.
21:59If?
22:01What would happen to my position in the hospital.
22:04Look, this isn't a good time, Martin.
22:07It's so unfair.
22:09Yeah, life's unfair.
22:11Don't run along and pretend to do some doctory stuff, eh?
22:14Oh, come on, Mum.
22:16Don't you ever say that word.
22:18Sorry.
22:20Nothing will ensure that you are turfed out of this hospital
22:23quicker than saying that out loud.
22:25Is that what you want? Hmm? Hmm?
22:27It's up to you. You just have to say the word.
22:30We had a deal, remember?
22:33Sorry, but it's just... It's really hard, cos...
22:36I love you.
22:42And I know deep down you love me too.
22:45Quiet.
22:47I know you pretend to be ashamed of me.
22:49No, it's quite genuine.
22:51Well, underneath, I know you've got some mother's pride.
22:54And I don't mean the bread.
22:56Get out.
22:58I love you, I always will, and you can't change that.
23:01No, no, no. Shall I come back later?
23:05Yeah, Dr Dear was just telling me what her patient had said to her earlier today.
23:10Psychiatric patient, obviously.
23:17Pick it up. Go on.
23:21Come on, come on, come on.
23:25Get out, Mummy. Go on.
23:34Hang on a minute.
23:41Come.
23:45Just tugging the squirrel.
23:47What?
23:49Now, what can I do for you, Dr Trod?
23:51Although I suspect I know you well enough now to call you Caroline.
23:55Yes, well, that's what I've come about.
23:57The incident at my party, the...
24:00The... The what, dear?
24:03Well, the...
24:05You know, when you left, when you left and we were in the doorway
24:09and you and you and we and you...
24:15Is that what you mean? Yes.
24:20Yes, well...
24:22The thing is, I... Oh, God.
24:24The thing is, I didn't want there to be any awkwardness or misunderstandings.
24:28No, no, there's none. I don't have a problem with that at all, do you?
24:31No.
24:33Good.
24:36Good.
24:38Glad we cleared that up, then.
24:42Fine, well, I'll be off, then. Yeah, bye, then.
24:47All right, fucker? Not bad, bitch.
24:49What's with the leg shit? On the lookout for a sympathy shag?
24:52Might be. Might have been shot. Good party at the weekend.
24:55Oh, were you there? Oh, yeah.
24:58Get hold of anyone? Just some tricker with top tits.
25:01Right, hello.
25:24You know what you need? You need a system.
25:26Like, I used mnemonics when I was revising.
25:29Yeah, me too. Take the bones of the head, all right?
25:31You've got the frontal, parietal, occipital, zygomatic, sphenoid,
25:34temporal, maxilla, mandible, vomer and nasal.
25:36Jesus! How did you remember that?
25:38I just took simple, everyday phrase
25:40where the words begin with the same letters as the bones.
25:43OK. Fine, then what is it?
25:47Foreign politicians often...
25:50zing...
25:52stereotypical tunes...
25:55mayday, mayday...
25:58mayday...
26:00Venezuelan neck.
26:05Oh...
26:10Oh...
26:15You've said that. Oh, have I? Sorry.
26:18Did I tell you I'm never, ever going to drink again?
26:21What did you do before alcohol became the centre of your universe?
26:25Homework.
26:27You know what you really need to do? Let's go for a walk.
26:31Where to? I don't really care. Just stop whining.
26:35Relax. Relax, yeah? Breathe. Try it again.
26:38Erm...
26:42French politi... Foreign politicians!
26:44Foreign... Foreign politicians often zing...
26:50No, it's gone. It's, erm...
26:52I know it begins with an S and a T.
26:54Hang on, hang on. How do you know it began with an S and then a T?
26:58Because it begins with the same letters as the bones.
27:01So I know, you know, sphenoid, maxilla, mandible, voma, nasal.
27:06Stereotypical! Stereotypical! Yes! Yes!
27:09You see, all you have to do, just think of the bones and the phrase will come back.
27:13Brilliant. OK? Erm, yes.
27:16The bones and...
27:19Sorry. Sorry, mate. All right? Yeah. I've got it in...
27:22It's all right. It's fine. It'll be fine.
27:26We'll do the leg later. OK.
27:28That's how I remembered your name when I first met you.
27:31Massively annoying chap.
27:33Massively annoying chap? Yeah.
27:36I was going to say massively annoying.
27:49That was it, though, wasn't it?
27:51Hello. Hang on. I didn't realise I'd just turned into Uri Geller.
27:54I'll just adjust my mind-reading psychic antennae.
27:58The full list of those I had lip contact with.
28:01You, possibly, Guy and Sue White, possibly.
28:05Yeah, that's it, yeah. If you don't count Martin.
28:08I kissed Martin? Oh, no.
28:11Oh, yes, I did. Oh, God.
28:13Am I a slut? Yes.
28:15Oh, God. No, it's fine. It's absolutely fine.
28:17How can it be fine?
28:20Because you were a pissed slut.
28:23Ah.
28:25Thanks.
28:45MUSIC PLAYS
29:06Whereas in radionuclide scanning,
29:09the radioactive substance injected into the body
29:13emits what kind of rays, anyone?
29:16Gamma. Precisely.
29:18Gamma rays, which produce images of I'm having a baby
29:23and can be expressed in numerical form.
29:27Tiny, pink little baby.
29:30Moving on to diagnostic preferences,
29:33say, let's say, soft tissue trauma.
29:37Who's the daddy?
29:40I think you'll find that I am.
29:43The daddy.
30:09Idios.
30:14PHONE RINGS
30:19You wanted an internal mail for Harriet?
30:21Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Kimmy. Yeah, yeah, that's all. Thanks.
30:31Hmm? You haven't got many emails, have you?
30:35Ooh.
30:39Coconut macaroons?
30:41It's my...
30:43Oh.
30:48Another internal mail for Harriet?
30:50Yeah, yeah, she can have it.
30:52I thought it might be a death threat. What?
30:54Shouldn't think so.
30:56Oh, no, no, there was a death threat, but then they rang up
30:59and they said they were sorry and they weren't going to do it any more.
31:02So that's good, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
31:11Oh.
31:18Hey, can one of you give me a hand? I've got a squealing cuticle fork.
31:21Yeah.
31:26Seriously?
31:28PHONE RINGS
31:42Yes! It's negative, I'm not!
31:45CHEERING
31:49Booze.
32:03SCREAMING
32:11SCREAMING
32:27Not gone to the gallows yet, then?
32:29No.
32:31I'm trying to think of a mascot to take.
32:34Erm...
32:36Right. I've decided for Mr Ratty.
32:39Oh, God, you're a child.
32:43Plague carrier.
32:45Shit, I didn't think of that.
32:47Yeah, well, lucky Uncle Guy's here. Next.
32:49Erm, Lord Chiseltooth.
32:51Jesus.
32:53A hard-working, industrious social animal.
32:55No, builds dams, yeah, blocks off the flow of inspiration.
32:59You'll be sitting in the exam room trying to think of the proper word for leg
33:03and you'll dry up, all because of your poor mascot choices.
33:06Why can't you just...?
33:08What is the proper word for leg?
33:11Can't tell you that.
33:13Thank Christ, I've got B.
33:15Oh, what's he called? Emperor Bumblewank?
33:17Buzzy-buzzy-penis?
33:18No, he's called B, right?
33:20And this is the clever bit. Just the letter B.
33:23Hive worker, doesn't stand out from the crowd,
33:26short lifespan and... sterile.
33:29Oh, Christ, I need a mascot.
33:32Ta-da!
33:34Clean, orderly, a blank sheet.
33:37It doesn't even have a name.
33:39Yes, it does.
33:41Captain Wipey.
33:45Don't fold your mascot. That's really bad luck.
33:56Leave them.
34:03Ah-ha! Where have you been?
34:05Aren't you supposed to be back in theatre and I've been looking for you?
34:08Here? No. And well done, you found me. It's your turn to hide.
34:11Erm... I don't think we've quite finished our chat.
34:16If you're looking for more names for your roll call of conquests, I'm out.
34:20And actually, I am quite busy.
34:23Oh!
34:25Oh!
34:27Oh!
34:29Quite busy.
34:31Oh. Are you in trouble or something?
34:34Not yet, no, but if you must know, I'm here for an interview.
34:38Oh? Interview for what?
34:40Consultancy vacancy.
34:42Preliminary only. Internal post soon.
34:45Nothing major.
34:47Wow. I had no idea. Nobody said.
34:50Nobody knows.
34:53Sorry. Right. Well, I guess now's not quite the moment to...
34:56No, no, no. Casual's all right, is it?
34:58Casual's good, yep, because it's really about how good you are at the job,
35:01not about how you dress.
35:03And I think wearing suits displays a certain lack of imagination.
35:09Right. Yeah.
35:11Well, good luck. Thank you.
35:15Are you sure you want to go in there with your hair like that?
35:17Like what? Nothing.
35:19Good luck. Yeah.
35:22Dr McCartney. Sue... Sue White.
35:24Can I ask you a quick question?
35:26Yes, of course.
35:28Um, my hair, does it look OK?
35:31Yeah. Lined mane has never looked so free.
35:34Thank you very much. Well, you're welcome.
35:36Do you think I could borrow that hair thingy?
35:38My what-y? Clippy thingy. Put it in your hair. It's an emergency.
35:43Well, OK, then.
35:45But I want you to know
35:47I don't let the squirrel out for just anybody.
35:50Knock yourself out. OK.
35:52Cool.
35:56Excellent.
36:02What do you think? Yeah, lovely.
36:04Just give it a bit of a tidy.
36:06There we are. Just stick that in.
36:09Thank you. Right.
36:11Thank God for the dead box. Yes.
36:13There. Yes. Yeah? How do I look?
36:15Excellent. Brilliant. Yes.
36:17Dot on your... with the big musketeer.
36:19Great. You are a lifesaver.
36:21Thank you very much. OK.
36:23Dr McCartney? That's me. Thank you.
36:26Great. Wish me luck. Good luck. Good luck.
36:29Just try not to turn Sade on.
36:35Hello there. Hi.
36:53Hi.
37:09Question. Would it be OK to work straight my penis?
37:12I think I might have dislocated it. Get out.
37:14No, really, I think I have. Get out.
37:17DOOR SLAMS
37:22MUSIC PLAYS
37:32I'm sorry, everyone.
37:34It seems that Harriet's mistaken this office for a children's party.
37:38Shall I call the medics in or would someone just stab her for me?
37:42No, it's OK. She's just had a bit of good news.
37:44She thought she was pregnant. She just got the lab results back and it's negative.
37:50She had a pregnancy test done today.
37:53Yeah. A real one.
37:55What do you mean? I mean, just up here today.
37:59Yes.
38:03That's not how you spell Schulenburg.
38:06Oh, bloody tastic.
38:09Oh, Harriet, the lab just sent this up for you.
38:13It's marked urgent. Afraid I opened it by mistake.
38:16And congratulations.
38:26MUSIC PLAYS
38:40MUSIC CONTINUES
38:49DOOR CREAKS
39:01MUSIC CONTINUES
39:09MUSIC CONTINUES
39:29Right, ladies and gentlemen, you may turn over your papers and begin.
39:40Yes.
39:42I haven't asked the question yet. Yes.
39:44Is the answer? What?
39:46Is yes the answer? Is the question.
39:49But is yes the answer? Take a gamble. I don't know. Is it...?
39:52Take a gamble. No.
39:55No is the answer. No is the answer.
39:58Yes is never the answer.
40:00So no is the answer. No is the answer.
40:03So if I were to say, are you going to ever have sex with any other man
40:07apart from me, then your answer is no.
40:10Do you want to have sex with me?
40:12I mean, do you want to just have... Do you want to just fuck me now?
40:15Do you want to do that? Do you want to just get your cock out and fuck me now?
40:19How about that, yeah?
40:22Shall we? Here, on the table?
40:25Yeah, how about whopping up my ass?
40:28What about that, Mr Secretat?
40:31That doctor.
40:33Mister. Yeah.
40:35Mister. Yeah. One above doctor.
40:38How about that, yeah?
40:41Mr Secretan whopping up staff liaison's ass.
40:48So wipe yourself down and come back and tell me what you think about that.
40:52OK?
40:54Not sure I can stand up. No.
40:56Well, I'll leave for a few moments, shall I? OK.
41:00Shut the door. Yeah.
41:36MUSIC
41:55Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
41:58Fuck. What? Your hair. You look like a Girls' World doll.
42:01No, I don't know what you're talking about. This is regulation.
42:04St Augustine's Girls' School. No, no, here, here. Just been introduced.
42:07Did you not get...? No. No.
42:09How was the interview?
42:12Oh, sure. I think I might have used the words
42:15job, stick, up and arse all in one sentence.
42:19Is that a bad thing?
42:21Well, I think tone of voice is very important.
42:24Is it? Is it? Damn. Shit.
42:27If you'll excuse me, I have some patients to see.
42:31Fine.
42:45What's this, huh? What's this? In the bar, in the middle of the day?
42:48Yeah, celebrating. Yeah, lots to celebrate.
42:51You know, vodka, double.
42:53No, no, Mummy, I think not. I think we stick to the mineral water, if you don't mind.
42:56Why? Well, you know, want to do what's best, don't we?
42:59Yeah, double vodka, pronto. I'm gagging.
43:01No, no, come on now, let's look after the unborn statham minor.
43:04Give it to me. No, give it, give it.
43:07Never mind, no, never mind.
43:09Oh, sweet Jesus.
43:11I didn't get my text. It's not me who's pregnant, it's Harriet Schulenburg.
43:15What?
43:17Harriet is having my baby.
43:19Oh, please, she's upset enough as it is.
43:21That might just be enough to tip her over the edge.
43:23We're not. No, no, false alarm.
43:26I was a bit windy this morning, got my knockers in a twist over nothing, that's all.
43:30What's all this bollocks, then? Has somebody died?
43:39No, no, no, never mind. Never mind.
43:42We'll just have to try again.
43:44Someone for your jokes.
43:46No, it'll be good for our relationship to just...
43:49Hang on a minute, hang on a minute.
43:51You and me are not an item.
43:53Never have been, never will be.
43:55What have you got to say about that, Benny?
43:58I...
44:00What?
44:02You and I are not an item, not you and me.
44:05Isn't it I?
44:07I'm not in a relationship with you no more.
44:10Ha, ha, at least you admit it's a relationship.
44:13It was.
44:15Oh, right, I see.
44:17And remember, if you ever want to talk about this, you know,
44:20pick over the good times and the bad, you know, sort of learn from it.
44:23Please, please, please...
44:26Don't come to me.
44:33Oh, dear.
44:35Oh, here she comes.
44:37Forgot my flags.
44:39Get your dumped mitts off my tits.
44:41I don't want to.
44:43I'm not going to. Get off me.
44:45No-one can see. I'm not going to.
44:47Please, I'm staying.
44:49No-one can see. I'm...
44:51Sorry.
45:21So now that I might remember the kiss that did or did not take place between us,
45:25but say that it did, as you did, what was it like?
45:28I don't want you to hold back, just tell me what it was like.
45:31It was... average, yeah.
45:35Oh.
45:37I remember we were both standing on the scales
45:41and you were looking down at me,
45:43and I was looking down at you,
45:45and you were looking down at me,
45:47and I was looking down at you,
45:50and you were looking down a lot, saying,
45:52''Oh, my God, I think I put on 12 stone.''
45:54It was a little bit off-putting.
45:59The kiss. How did that happen, for God's sake?
46:02The kiss, the kiss. Yeah, I remember that.
46:05You had your head over the loo, like this,
46:07and then you came up, like this,
46:09and then you turned around and I was there.
46:12I was on the floor next to you, stroking your head.
46:16The time-honoured means of preventing sickness, obviously.
46:19I remember you had your hand on my cheek, like this,
46:23and then...
46:25And then I looked into your eyes.
46:27Yeah, and then I looked into your eyes.
46:29There was a lot of looking going on.
46:31Yes, and then I kissed you, clearly not on purpose.
46:35Clearly.
46:37And then you kissed me back.
46:39And then I kissed you back, um, equally accidentally.
46:43And then? And then...
46:45And then I left.
46:47Well, I was totally wasted.
46:49Otherwise, why would I have kissed you, for God's sake?
46:52Yeah, exactly. I must have been totally, totally wasted.
46:55Totally, totally. I guess, I guess.
47:14Hello.
47:16Hello. Can I help you?
47:18Well...
47:20Joanna says you're to stop ringing her, and she meant what she said.
47:24Oh, about what?
47:26About how she doesn't want to go out with you any more.
47:30Oh, I see.
47:32Well, I don't want to go out with you.
47:34I don't want to go out with you.
47:36I don't want to go out with you.
47:38I don't want to go out with you.
47:40I don't want to go out with you any more.
47:45Hmm?
47:46It's not a joke, Joanna told me to tell you.
47:49All right. What were her reasons?
47:51She said you'd ask. She said to say, boredom.
47:54She said the only reason she went out with you was because she was bored,
47:58and, well, she's still bored.
48:01You're boring.
48:04Right. May I leave?
48:07I'm very sorry.
48:08No, don't be nice!
48:10OK.
48:12Bye, then.
48:39Perhaps you should call it a day.
48:41A day? Is that for a boy or a girl?
48:44No, I think you should go home. I'm still thinking about him.
48:47Oh, sorry, my brain's a bit squidgy.
48:50I remember I was up five times in the night.
48:52And the kids?
48:54No, he's really hungry.
48:58I'm going to bed.
49:00Good night.
49:02Good night.
49:04Good night.
49:06Sorry.
49:09See you.
49:15So, if you're using a handgun of any kind, you do not want to aim here.
49:19There's no guarantee of death, bullet lodged in the auditory cortex,
49:22you can forget your Dolby and Nikam stereo,
49:24prefrontal cortex wrecked, it's porridge and rubber pants
49:27and I'm exploiting a documentary on Channel 4.
49:29OK, so you would use a...
49:31Magnum.
49:32..ice cream. Could be a bit messy if that's your weapon of choice.
49:35A Magnum gun, probably the most powerful handgun in the world.
49:39Imagine, that baby's got a kick on it like a fat girl in heels.
49:43Downside, it's very easy to miss, so where would you aim?
49:46I would aim obviously for the brain, which in your case would be here.
49:49I think womankind would applaud me.
49:51No, they wouldn't. They'd hunt you down and kill you with hoovers.
49:54What about up the nose?
49:56Yeah, no, the bullet has gone in further,
49:58but, you know, it's survivable, you're a veg.
50:00No, what you really need to take out the cerebral cortex is...
50:03A haircut.
50:04No.
50:05Shotgun.
50:06Held under the throat.
50:07And...
50:08Slash!
50:09Bang.
50:10Or have you now swapped the shotgun for some sort of sword?
50:12Yeah, bang, slash, blam, whatever.
50:14Listen, Martin.
50:17You can either do it my way or you can be wrong.
50:19Huh?
50:20What?
50:21Crisp?
50:22No.
50:23Son of you!
50:25You Jezebel whores!
50:27Go on, you slutty tarts!
50:30Go on, with your slitty, slutty, slitty, slutty sluts!
50:35Go on, son of you!
50:37You're all the bloody same!
50:41Put the gun down.
50:42Put the gun down or the midget gets it.
50:44Put the gun down.
50:45It's a dwarfie here. What is it, some sort of ginger dwarf alliance?
50:47I don't know.
50:48There's a dirty Jezebel! Right, you two dirty whore bitches!
50:52Right, I can see you, you dirty sluts!
50:55Get me, get me, get me gone!
50:58Go on, get me gone!
50:59Get me gone to another inn!
51:01You bloody tarts! Go on!
51:03I'm blowing his brains out when I find them.
51:06With your filthy bras and your pants and your...
51:16Your nasty panties and your...
51:18And you haven't even got a cock!
51:20You haven't even got a cock!
51:22You're sitting with your whores!
51:25Get out!
51:27That's enough, you bastards!