Green Wing (2004) British Sitcom | Comedy-Drama S01 E04
#northangerabbey #janeeyre https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5domZkB-eRa6BuFOO8OXaQ https://dailymotion.com/bethfreed25
It is Joanna's forty-eighth birthday and she is thrilled to receive a locket, which she is told is from Lyndon. However it is actually from Alan and contains his semen. Meanwhile, Martin is also anxious to relay birthday greetings to his mother but has trouble getting through to her. Caroline and Angela find Guy's list of the most fanciable women on Green Wing and Caroline is annoyed to find Angela placed above her. She plans revenge but is thwarted when Mac and other male staff threaten to tell Guy all the unflattering things she has said about him. Martin finally gets to wish happy birthday to his mother - Joanna, who is rather anxious to keep her maternity secret.
Starring: Mark Heap; Tamsin Greig; Sarah Alexander; Sally Bretton; Oliver Chris; Olivia Colman; Stephen Mangan
It is Joanna's forty-eighth birthday and she is thrilled to receive a locket, which she is told is from Lyndon. However it is actually from Alan and contains his semen. Meanwhile, Martin is also anxious to relay birthday greetings to his mother but has trouble getting through to her. Caroline and Angela find Guy's list of the most fanciable women on Green Wing and Caroline is annoyed to find Angela placed above her. She plans revenge but is thwarted when Mac and other male staff threaten to tell Guy all the unflattering things she has said about him. Martin finally gets to wish happy birthday to his mother - Joanna, who is rather anxious to keep her maternity secret.
Starring: Mark Heap; Tamsin Greig; Sarah Alexander; Sally Bretton; Oliver Chris; Olivia Colman; Stephen Mangan
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00You've got to be more exciting, a bit more relaxed, spontaneous.
00:16That's right, well, I'm sure that can be arranged.
00:29Max had some difficult news.
00:39Oh, really? News?
00:40Yeah, about Holly. She's pregnant.
00:42Who's pregnant?
00:43Holly the baby killer.
00:44Ow!
00:45Oh, dear!
00:46Oh, Peter!
00:47Oh, dear.
00:48Man!
00:49It must have tripped over you, your enormous neanderthal.
00:50Go away.
00:51Oh, dear.
00:52Oh, dear.
00:53Oh, dear.
00:54Oh, dear.
00:55Oh, dear.
00:56Oh, dear.
00:58OK, where do you want to move in, tomorrow?
01:12Hooray!
01:1942. I'm 42. I'm 42. I'm 42. I'm 42.
01:26Oh, Christ.
01:3042?
01:40Oh, face it, Joanna, you're 48.
01:50Go away!
01:53Yeah. No-one's gonna know you've got a 48-year-old foofie.
02:01Happy birthday, foofie.
02:03Happy birthday, Joanna.
02:05Um, hello, it's me, Ina Barbas, your humble servant,
02:09calling to say that I'm 48.
02:12I'm 48.
02:13I'm 48.
02:15I'm 48.
02:17Your humble servant, calling with birthday greetings.
02:21Why do birds suddenly appear
02:27every time you are near?
02:35Just like me
02:39they want to be
02:43close to you.
02:48Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
02:54Close to you.
02:59Just like me
03:01they long to be...
03:04close to you.
03:05I don't like my...
03:07Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
03:09Ah-ha-ha.
03:10Ah-ha.
03:12Ah, yes, yes, yes.
03:13Goodbye. Goodbye to you. Yes.
03:16That's very, very interesting.
03:20Why do birds?
03:22The gulls, you know, jenny-wrens,
03:27Tommy-tits...
03:29Not... Not actually...
03:32I wouldn't say that as such,
03:35but good morning to you.
03:37Nice to see that you're... I was explaining...
03:46OK. Birthday cake.
03:51What about this one?
03:53Yeah, a bit stuffy.
03:55How about this?
03:57A bit childish.
04:00Oh, this one.
04:03That's more Rachel. It's not really Joanna.
04:06We can put a candle on each nipple.
04:08I've always wanted to do that.
04:11Either that or run away and join the circus.
04:15Maybe we should get the ice-cake.
04:17No, go on, let's be daring.
04:20OK.
04:39Angela, do you want coffee?
04:42Yeah.
04:43Lovely, darling.
05:04Angela, what are you doing?
05:07You all right?
05:09Yeah. Oh, my God!
05:12Have I just seen you come?
05:13Almost. I think I just missed.
05:16Oh, I'm so sorry. Sorry.
05:18Look, I'll just leave your coffee there.
05:20Morning, Liam. Morning.
05:33Buggering wank!
05:34No, no, don't tell me that the Swiss water polo team is lost again.
05:37No.
05:39A bloody woman from Obstetrics is wearing knee-length patent leather boots.
05:42In a month with an R on it, we should march on Obstetrics
05:45with flaming torches and we should kill her.
05:47Yeah, I knew you wouldn't understand.
05:49Who is this woman, anyway? I don't know. She just is.
05:52Join me again next week on this episode of Let's Make No Fucking Sense
05:55when I will be waxing an owl.
05:57I've just suddenly finished putting all the data in as well.
06:00What are you talking about? The league table.
06:02You haven't got a league table just for Obstetrics.
06:04Don't be stupid. It's for all hospital females.
06:08And knee-length patent leather boots bumper up to a six in kinkiness.
06:12You just never bloody know with women, do you?
06:14I know. It's crazy, isn't it?
06:15Soon they'll be telling us that we can't thrash our own wives.
06:18Yeah. Look what it's done to the graph.
06:20Look, it's knocked it out of whack.
06:22Obstetrics is now kinkier than personnel.
06:25And the cute Chinese nurse from Fincham Ward is down to 19th.
06:28Jesus!
06:30Have you ever thought... This is just a shot in the dark, really.
06:33Maybe you're taking this a little bit too seriously.
06:35What do you mean?
06:36I thought maybe your life might be a bit easier if you just didn't bother with it.
06:39Mac, if I didn't do this,
06:41how in God's name am I supposed to put women in the proper order?
06:43Oh, my God. Look, look. There is a coachload of Swedish physios.
06:47What? Oh, shut up.
06:49That, of course, would raise some very interesting but conflicting issues for me.
06:52Very exciting sexually. On the other hand, a lot of admin.
06:56Yeah, I actually did have a coachload of Swedish physios once.
06:59Smelled of herring, surprisingly.
07:01Flat-pattern furniture. And Rolf Harris.
07:03Rolf Harris isn't Swedish.
07:04That's what was so surprising.
07:07Nice, then.
07:09Anyway...
07:12Ooh, ooh, ooh, coming. Oh, she's coming. Quick, quick, quick.
07:15Happy birthday to you
07:17Happy birthday to you
07:19Happy birthday, dear Joanna
07:22Happy birthday to you
07:24Right, right, thanks. Yeah, surprise, surprise.
07:28Same banner as last year.
07:29Maybe it's a fresh cake.
07:31We didn't know how old you were, so...
07:34Oh, bloody ha, ha, ha.
07:44What's that on your coat?
07:45What?
07:47Silver lines. From there.
07:49Oh, snails.
07:50Yeah, I went to a party last night and, er, woke up in the garden.
08:03Hello, Mum. It's me.
08:05Martin.
08:07Martin Deer.
08:08No, Martin. M-A-R-T... You know who it is.
08:12No, I'm in the corridor. No-one can hear me.
08:14I just want... Hello?
08:20Oh, God.
08:22Oh, God.
08:24Oh, God.
08:26Oh, God.
08:28Oh, God.
08:30Oh, God.
08:33Oh, God.
08:36A luxury penthouse apartment in the Docklands,
08:39panoramic views, yours for a year.
08:41Would it have electronic swipe-card entrances?
08:43Yes, and a concierge on the door 24 hours a day.
08:45And there would probably be a swimming pool in the basement
08:47with a gym and sauna for residents.
08:49Probably or definitely. Can't say at this stage,
08:51but there would be underground parking.
08:53Would it have a glass lift? No, it would have a normal lift.
08:55OK, what's the price?
08:57Two weeks as Esther Ranson's love bitch.
09:01Is that a five-day week or are weekends included?
09:04No, no, weekends are included. 14 days, 14 nights.
09:07OK. Um, no, because every time I look through the panoramic windows,
09:11I would have flashbacks of how I got there.
09:13All right, OK, so five days, and she gets to film it
09:16with the possibility it might end up on the Internet.
09:18Would it probably or definitely be on the Internet?
09:20I can't say at this stage. That's the gamble you take with the five-day option.
09:23OK, yes, as long as at some stage in the future a glass lift was installed.
09:31What was that?
09:33Shagged his bum. Highest sag factor in the league.
09:36Left my watch inside her.
09:46These do look cool.
09:48Yeah, well, I'm taking them back.
09:50You said they were photochromic, right? Right.
09:52Yeah, well, they go dark when I come inside and light when I go...
09:55When you go outside? Yeah. All right.
09:58Got them for the market.
10:00Still, they do look cool, though.
10:02This psychologist, Carol Rothwell,
10:05claims to have devised a formula for happiness.
10:09Can you do that? Well, she seems to think so.
10:11Apparently happiness equals P plus five E squared
10:14minus the square root of three minus D cubed,
10:16where P equals personal hygiene, E equals entertainment value,
10:19and D equals density.
10:21What does that mean? I've no idea.
10:23It's put me in a really bad mood. I know that much.
10:26Yeah, well...
10:29Bloody happiness, eh?
10:31Oh, you know, it's more trouble than it's worth, that happiness.
10:36You are so right, Martin.
10:39I never wear sunglasses.
10:41I can always see the giant reflections of my own eyes staring back at me.
10:44It's too spooky.
10:46Yeah, well, you know, you've got really nice eyes.
10:52Martin?
10:54You think I've got really nice eyes?
10:58Yeah, well, I mean, you know, the whole head is good,
11:02but your eyes, they're top eyes.
11:07Oh. Oh.
11:09You're really sweet.
11:15Um, sweaty.
11:28Um, has anyone been in my office this morning?
11:31Just Lyndon.
11:33Lyndon?
11:35Yeah, I did that antivirus thing.
11:38Lyndon? Mm-hm.
11:44I didn't see Lyndon this morning.
11:46Oh.
11:48Oh.
11:50Oh.
11:54Oh.
11:56Morning.
12:03Ah. Morning again.
12:06Nice to see you with some clothes on.
12:08What? Well, gosh, I'm sorry about the live bed show with Liam.
12:12I don't know what it is. It just keeps getting better and better.
12:15I guess we just click.
12:17Yeah, sounds like you put your hip out.
12:19Yeah, I could have done the way he's been...
12:21Enough! Enough of your clickety-clicking.
12:23I don't care if he's snapped your pelvis from now on.
12:26All clicking has to be done behind closed doors.
12:28Sorry, Mrs. Landlady.
12:30Don't call me that. It makes me sound like a spinster with a hairnet smelling of wee
12:34who hasn't had a good click in ages.
12:36Anyway, you're not a spinster. You're a babe.
12:39You think I'm a babe?
12:41No, I don't. Guy does.
12:43It's one of the categories in this report thing.
12:45It's like a chart with all women's stuff, and there are scores.
12:48And look, here's you. Arse.
12:50Arse? Don't call me an arse.
12:52It's the arse category, and you've scored four.
12:55Five.
12:56No, ten.
12:58What did you get?
13:00I don't know, and to be honest, I couldn't care less. It's just utter nonsense.
13:03Eight. You got an eight for arse.
13:05I got an eight? Did I really?
13:07Well, that can't be right, can it? You're only getting a four and me getting an eight.
13:11That's nearly... nearly four marks.
13:13Oh, good for you. If it meant anything, which it doesn't, because you're right, it's utter...
13:17Nonsense.
13:23You... You arrange courses to help staff with personal development and all that, don't you?
13:28I do.
13:29Well, because I was wondering...
13:31Yes?
13:32Um...
13:34Is there some sort of male-female interrelationship...
13:40creation course?
13:43I mean, I'd go halves, so...
13:47A course for getting a girlfriend?
13:50Well, I... I suppose, in a sense...
13:54Well, why didn't you say?
13:56Hey, I need to go on a course, Martin. I can help you now.
13:59Really?
14:00It's easy.
14:02Let's have a look in here.
14:04All right. Here we go.
14:07Just the ticket. Now, you just take these magic beans...
14:12but mind out for the ogre.
14:15Look, I'm not gonna plant any more bloody beans.
14:19They don't work.
14:21And I...
14:26It's not your job to...
14:31All I'm asking for you, OK...
14:39Um, yes, here's your money.
14:42Yes, here's you. Nine. Nine. Congrats.
14:45Nine for what?
14:47Easiness? What the hell is that?
14:49It's easy-going, easy to go on with. It's very good.
14:52No, it's appalling. It's degrading, it's sexist, it's untrue.
14:56Somebody should probably report him.
14:58I know. I know.
15:00Gosh, I can't believe your arse only got a four and mine got an eight.
15:04What about breasts? Is there a mark for pertness?
15:12No.
15:22Karen, where's the Ward 2B file?
15:24In the filing cabinet.
15:26Yes, but where?
15:28Under Ward 2B.
15:30Karen, are you going to the snack machine?
15:32Probably.
15:34Can you get me a Toffee Crisp and a packet of Quavers?
15:36Oh, and a carton of Ribena?
15:38Yeah.
15:41And a frothy coffee, no sugar?
15:43Can't you get it yourself?
15:45No, Karen, there's no point. It's all going down. You can get a tray.
15:48Oh, actually, I'd like a frothy coffee, two sugars and a banana.
15:52No, I won't!
15:54I am not your slave!
15:57Oh, Karen!
15:59Who rattled your cage?
16:01You lot, I am sick of it!
16:03Taking advantage just cos I haven't got any breasts!
16:11Have you seen it?
16:13No.
16:19Have you seen it?
16:21No.
16:29Hello. Lost something?
16:31Er, maybe.
16:33This? By any chance, it was lying around.
16:35Ah.
16:37Makes very interesting reading.
16:39Clearly in all-round easiness,
16:41though I lose a few marks on cleanliness and mental attitude.
16:44Yeah, the thing is...
16:46Additional comments?
16:48Probably looks up at you in a pleading way during intercourse.
16:52Yeah, I suppose you're wondering what I've got to say about that.
16:55Yeah, it crossed my mind.
16:57Well, the thing is...
16:59What?
17:01What you have to bear in mind is...
17:03Yes, is what?
17:05It's Max.
17:08This is Dr McCartney's?
17:10Yes, it is.
17:12Well, you shouldn't look like a man who has one of these.
17:17Do you look up pleadingly during inter... Yeah.
17:21She probably does.
17:33Control, alt, delete.
17:35Lock your system and prevent your data getting wiped, see?
17:38I only went to the loo.
17:40Sure. But just remember, control, alt, delete,
17:42and then it doesn't matter if someone sits on your keyboard.
17:45All your files are safe.
17:47Show me again? You try.
17:49Well, OK, then.
17:51Er, this one, this one and...
17:53Gosh, they all look the same, don't they?
17:55Um, it's a bit of a stretch.
17:57I've only got tiny hands.
17:59Use the other one.
18:01Oh, OK.
18:03Psst.
18:05Cheeky boy.
18:08Yeah, I just wanted to say thanks.
18:10Pretty lucky.
18:12I love it.
18:15The e-mail was spot-on.
18:17Yeah, very thoughtful.
18:20You're a bad boy.
18:22Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
18:25Laters. Sorry?
18:27Catchy. Laters.
18:29Later. Birthday drinks in the bar about six-ish.
18:33Yeah, not you. Just him.
18:35I don't think I...
18:46OK, just want to try again.
18:58OK, you have the chauffeur-driven car.
19:0124 hours a day, 365 days a year, seven days a week.
19:04So if I wanted to go to any pub at any hour of the day
19:07in any part of the country, it would take me?
19:09Yes.
19:10Would the driver be parked outside my house 24 hours a day?
19:14No.
19:15Well, that's ridiculous. How would I contact him?
19:17OK, whatever. He's outside 24 hours.
19:19Well, one man couldn't stay awake 24 hours a day for a year.
19:21All right, there are several drivers. They're working in shifts.
19:24Would he have a uniform?
19:26Designed by me?
19:28Yes.
19:29What make of car?
19:31You would have...
19:33a Bentley, but more than a Bentley.
19:35You would have a Bentley with...
19:37diplomatic immunity.
19:44The price?
19:48Three nights of passion with Dr Alan Statham.
19:51I'll do it.
19:52Really?
19:53Yeah, of course. Diplomatic immunity. Bargain.
19:55OK, what about the same thing without immunity?
19:58Only if I can have a little Swiss flag on the front of the Bentley
20:01like ambassadors do.
20:02Every day you're gonna go to work, you're gonna see him,
20:04you're gonna be reminded of the horrors of those three nights.
20:07Yeah, but I'd have a flagged-up, chauffeur-driven Bentley.
20:10Fair point.
20:12Yes, fair point.
20:14He's waking up.
20:15Oh, yes.
20:29Hello, Mum, it's me again.
20:31Don't hang up. I know you're there.
20:33I just want...
20:47Hi, Mum, it's me again.
20:50Celebrating Joanna's birthday, Peter King?
20:52No, I'm here to discuss Lyndon.
20:54Oh, right, Prince of Darkness.
20:56Yes, and that's partly... absolutely nothing to do with it.
20:59It's just that, um...
21:01I think we're going to have to let him go.
21:03Lovely, lovely. Lovely Lyndon.
21:05You see, the female contingent in the hospital feel unable to talk about it,
21:09so they... I've deser... deser... deser... deser...
21:12deser... deser... deser... deser... deser... deser... deser... deser...
21:16deser... deser... deser... deser... deser...
21:18I've designated myself their voice.
21:21Um, he looms.
21:23Looms?
21:24Yes.
21:25He?
21:26No, he creeps out of dark corners in, frankly, a predatory fashion,
21:31with his ulterior ways,
21:34and he slips into their still-warm seats.
21:37He unsettles them.
21:38Does he, then? And who exactly does he unsettle?
21:41Well, I'm speaking for many anonymous women.
21:44And he's named?
21:45Well, um, Joanna...
21:47Claw, for one.
21:49She's unsettled by his loomingness.
21:52She becomes breathy and skittish around him,
21:55and moisture forms on her brows.
21:58Um...
22:01Would you say that I'm looming now?
22:04No, you remain completely unscary, in spite of you.
22:07And don't think I don't know what you're getting at with your face paint.
22:12What's in there, apparently?
22:14I can't wait to meet this perfect woman,
22:16a woman who scores the top in everything, including personality.
22:19They're such dopes, don't they realise?
22:21Women who do nice are secretly evil.
22:24Come on, darling.
22:25Yes.
22:26Very slowly.
22:27Slowly.
22:28Yes.
22:29Come on.
22:30Very good.
22:31Yes.
22:32Come on.
22:33Yes.
22:34Oh!
22:35I did it!
22:37You see?
22:38Pure evil.
22:39Yeah.
22:40Look at her, playing on the emotions of those people
22:43and turning on the tears so people like her more.
22:45She's not that attractive. She's got a big mouth.
22:47Yeah, but men like that, you know, it's voluptuous.
22:49Yeah, but not like a letterbox.
22:51Actually, you've got quite a good mouth.
22:53No, I haven't.
22:54Yes, you have.
22:55I have not.
22:56That's not your real mouth.
23:00Um, I'm not...
23:01Not what?
23:02...one of those people who thinks ill of someone because of their...
23:05their...
23:06er...
23:07I don't know.
23:09I think we've all of us learnt from the pop group Shawoddy Woddy
23:12that the story goes that out of the entire pop group,
23:16they had only nine O-levels between them.
23:19Obviously, the result of a comprehensive education.
23:22But it transpired that the Caucasians hadn't passed any exams at all.
23:26And it was, in fact, the darker...
23:28the darkest chap who, in fact, passed all of the exams himself.
23:33And so, of course, everyone was amazed.
23:36But not me.
23:37I wasn't surprised in the least.
23:39You weren't?
23:40No, because the rest of the group were clearly...
23:43er...
23:44er...
23:45er...
23:46er...
23:47er...
23:48er...
23:49er...
23:50not.
23:51That's so.
23:52That's...
23:53That's why.
23:54That's so.
24:06HE MUMBLES
24:11No.
24:12Not.
24:14Nine.
24:15That's it, the form popped out.
24:17Very salted.
24:18OK.
24:19Not.
24:20No.
24:22Yes, yes, direct hit.
24:24Open it up, open her up.
24:26Yes.
24:2720 quid.
24:2820 quid.
24:2920 quid.
24:3020 British quid.
24:31That's 80 quid now.
24:32Right, stick it with the others, there's plenty more to come.
24:36This is, um, out of bounds, Mr Boyce, what do you think you're doing?
24:39Me? I, er, just wanted to be at the helm.
24:42Just wanted to feel what it was like to be like you.
24:45Dream on, Mr Boyce.
24:47Dream on, you will never know what it's like to be like me.
24:51Well, I know that now.
24:52You think someone special can troll a shit like that?
24:55Yes, it does.
24:56You're special.
24:57You're special, you're like Obi-Wan Kenobi to my Luke Skywalker.
25:05Clank!
25:20So, er, what makes me special, then?
25:23What?
25:24What makes me special?
25:26You have the whole effortless charm thing going for you.
25:29Do I?
25:30Of course you do. Everyone can see you're a mile off.
25:33What have I got?
25:34You must do. I mean, I know what makes you attractive.
25:37So surely you must sense what my special gift is.
25:40Charts, you do. Nice charts.
25:43Do I?
25:44Yes, very neat handwriting.
25:46Really?
25:51Anything else?
25:53Erm...
25:56Well...
25:59Eyes, like... like blue.
26:02Are they?
26:03Like chipped blue ice.
26:09What have you got there?
26:10Soup.
26:11What kind?
26:12An astrone flavour.
26:13An astrone flavour? An astrone's not flavour.
26:16It is.
26:17No, a flavour's like...
26:19strawberry or...
26:21salt and vinegar or...
26:23sour cream and chive.
26:24Vanilla?
26:25Yeah, vanilla or lemon.
26:27Pistachio?
26:28No.
26:29Lemon.
26:30Pistachio.
26:31We could say, what flavour's your minestrone?
26:34Is it tomato-y or garlic-y?
26:39Onion-y.
26:41It's minestrone-y.
26:42No, it fucking isn't.
26:43Please don't swear.
26:44You haven't tried it.
26:45I don't care. There's no such thing.
26:47It's my soup.
26:48It's not a bloody flavour, all right?
26:54Mmm...
26:56Minestrone-y.
27:00Tomato-y.
27:10Bring it on.
27:11Left hands, in case you want to sort your hair out.
27:14Prepare to burn.
27:15All right, light the flames.
27:17Right, yes, that's good. Are you ready?
27:19Yeah.
27:20Don't go till I say.
27:21Come on, baby.
27:22Ready. Three, two...
27:23You fucker.
27:24Burn, you titty!
27:26Find the extra gear.
27:28Oh, yes.
27:30Feel the heat. Feel the heat.
27:33Ow!
27:34Void!
27:35Void.
27:36No, it's not.
27:37It is, it's void.
27:38No, it's not.
27:39Because the farting dropped the match.
27:40No, I won.
27:41Sorry, that's my final word on the matter.
27:43Sorry, Matt, but it's burning my fingers, see?
27:45It's throbs.
27:46You want a rematch?
27:47No.
27:48Why not?
27:49Because I don't want to.
27:50Yeah, because you're afraid to lose.
27:51No.
27:52Right.
27:53We want a word with you.
27:54No, I won't go out with you both.
27:56Not you, him.
27:57How about this?
27:58This ridiculous league table of women in this hospital.
28:01Where did you get that?
28:02It's a printout from Mac's poisonous gadget.
28:05It's childish and offensive.
28:07Well, actually, most women would be flattered at the attention.
28:10He gave Caroline's bum a four out of ten.
28:12Shut up.
28:13What?
28:14He knows what he gave you.
28:15Do I?
28:16Well, actually, in that skirt, you are a four out of ten.
28:19I will give you a nine.
28:20Thank you, Martin.
28:21I mean, if you were wearing little cuppy pants or something,
28:23you might have the arse of a seven.
28:25But in those, it's a four.
28:26It's a fact.
28:27So we were...
28:28He was just stating a fact.
28:30End of story.
28:31No, no, no.
28:32It's not the end of the story,
28:33because I don't go around saying,
28:34oh, Guy, you look like the donkey from Shrek
28:36or Ginger Freak to Mac
28:38or Martin, you look like a vole.
28:40Do I?
28:41Or you, Boyce,
28:42you look like a porcelain ladyboy sometimes.
28:44Do I? Do I?
28:45No, you don't.
28:47Because that would be offensive
28:48and that would be personal abuse,
28:50as stated in the discrimination policy of this hospital.
28:53What?
28:54You heard.
28:55You just made discriminatory remarks about each one of us.
29:00No, I didn't.
29:01Yes, you did.
29:02You just said that he looked like the donkey from Shrek.
29:04That is making fun of physical deformity.
29:06You said Boyce looked like a ladyboy.
29:08That is homophobic.
29:09You said I was a ginger freak.
29:11That is...
29:12Well, that's colourblind for a start.
29:13It's also racist.
29:15You said I look like a vole.
29:19Yeah.
29:20You said all these things in front of witnesses.
29:23I think you're lucky that we don't report you.
29:25I might report you.
29:26You can't.
29:27I've done nothing wrong.
29:29You kind of have.
29:31I suggest that you leave
29:33and we won't take this any further.
29:35Well, what about the table?
29:37If you ignore the table,
29:39we will let the homophobic,
29:41the racist,
29:42the disability jibes slide.
29:46Nice one, Mac.
29:48Yours, I believe.
29:49Yeah.
29:50As is this.
29:52Do you really think I look like a vole?
29:54Yeah.
29:55Yeah.
29:56Listen, mate, I really appreciate that.
29:58Thanks.
29:59I won't forget it.
30:00Yeah, neither will I.
30:01There's nothing wrong with ginger pubes.
30:06Eeyore.
30:16Ah.
30:17Ah-ha-ha-ha.
30:18There she is.
30:19There's the birthday girl.
30:21Yes, what?
30:22Oh, my little token, I see.
30:24Your what?
30:25My symbol of affection.
30:28This isn't from you.
30:29Yes, it is.
30:30Yes, thank you very much, yes.
30:32I, um, secretly put it on your desk this morning.
30:36Bugger.
30:37It's, um...
30:39It's from Ina Barber's two-hitter.
30:42It's, um...
30:44It's from Ina Barber's two-hitter.
30:47Sorry, you said bugger. Why did you say that?
30:50I suppose it had to be from you. The bloody thing's broken.
30:53Can't be.
30:54Well, it is. Where did you get it? From the market?
30:56Right.
30:57Shoddy.
30:58Right.
30:59All over me.
31:00Yes, no, dear, no, but we'll have that fixed.
31:02What is it, anyway?
31:03Well, have a guess.
31:05Go on, have a guess.
31:06What milk?
31:07Man's milk.
31:09It's, uh...
31:11Any love juice?
31:13That'd better be a joke.
31:15Don't worry, I can easily refill it.
31:17Well, not here, obviously.
31:19Are you telling me you've given me a spunk-filled locket for my birthday?
31:27Happy birthday to you, now that you're 52.
31:31Joke.
31:32Nice trinket, ma'am.
31:33No.
31:34Well, seems to be a slight discharge there now.
31:37Now, uh, what is that, apparently?
31:39No, no, it's a special nectar.
31:42It's an Indian tribal use-giving...
31:45I don't know what it's hippie shit, you know.
31:48Well, um...
31:49Yum-yum.
31:51Could all do with a bit of youth.
31:54Are you in the market for a bun?
31:56No, I'm not.
31:59Thank you so much.
32:01Don't worry, I've got you something else.
32:03You know, you get your main present...
32:05later.
32:10OK, why has my wee gone blue?
32:14Blue?
32:16Oh, it shouldn't be that colour.
32:18Well, broadly speaking, that's my point, Dr Titt.
32:21Maybe you have a hideous wasting disease.
32:23Yeah, or maybe, Flopsy, somebody spiked my lunch with something to make my wee blue.
32:27We wouldn't do that.
32:28Oh, wouldn't you?
32:29Well, let's put you to the test, shall we? Eat some of that.
32:32I don't want it.
32:33Oh, well, guilty as charged.
32:35Can I pick it out?
32:36And remove the evidence?
32:37Hang on, hang on.
32:38Are you seriously suggesting that by bribery or theft
32:41I got a syringe, injected individual pieces of sweetcorn
32:45with stuff that makes wee blue?
32:47Of course we didn't.
32:49Yeah, well, I...
32:50Yeah, of course we...
32:51Yeah, well...
32:56It was in your Fanta.
33:00I don't know.
33:02It was in your Fanta.
33:05Dr Titt.
33:06Good, now then, here we are, Mr Boyce.
33:08I think this demonstrates perfectly the hip screw I was discussing yesterday morning.
33:13It's cold in here.
33:14Yes, there's a problem with the heating. I've contacted maintenance.
33:17I can see your nipples through your shirt.
33:21Um, can you?
33:22They're like little bullets pointing at me.
33:24Could you just stand behind me so you can't see them?
33:27Yeah, sorry, yeah.
33:30So, something may be caught.
33:32For instance, the iliopsoas muscle may be entrapped
33:34between the overhanging cup component on the one hand and the...
33:39The thing is, is that I still know that they're erect.
33:45Look, Mr Boyce, it's a perfectly unremarkable involuntary physical response.
33:49Kindly pay attention and stop thinking about my nipples.
33:52Right, I'm sorry, of course, concentrate now.
33:54So we're looking for an abnormality of some sort,
33:58possibly, in this case, specifically...
34:03There's... I think yours are erect now, by the way.
34:07Are they?
34:08Yes.
34:09They're like beady eyes.
34:12Must be the cold.
34:14There's a nip in the air and such.
34:19OK, so why don't we go back to the x-rays,
34:22but this time we could maybe rub our nipples to bring them down.
34:25That's good, very good.
34:27And...
34:32Oh, they're retracting.
34:39When...
34:41An infiltration of...
34:45Into the painful muscle of local anaesthetic would...
34:50Some relief, obviously.
34:54And...
34:56Goodbye.
35:01Correct.
35:03Doctor's... Well done.
35:06That's... That's cleared.
35:09Cleared that...
35:12Shape and...
35:15Shape and...
35:17Oh, yes.
35:19Happy birthday to you
35:23Happy birthday to you
35:27Happy...
35:48Enter.
35:51Ah, Dr Todd. Come in, take a seat.
35:54Thank you.
35:58Oh, God, I... You've... Well, you've... They're... Well, they're...
36:01Bigger?
36:03How odd. You noticed?
36:05Not... Not really. They're... They're hard to miss.
36:09Like you, I'm drawn to large breasts.
36:12Full ones.
36:14Right. Only I'm not drawn to them.
36:16Well, yes. Comforting, aren't they?
36:19I think I ought to touch a big woman's breasts.
36:22I'm not a lesbian, it's just... They look so inviting, don't they?
36:28Actually, maybe I am a lesbian.
36:43Breathe, breathe.
36:47No. How can I help?
36:49It doesn't...
36:51Well, I just had some concerns about attitudes to female staff.
36:56Some of the male doctors are... You know what? I don't think it matters now.
37:06Did you just throw your breast at me?
37:08No. Do you want me to?
37:10No.
37:17Thank you.
37:29Marci! Marci! Marci!
37:31Marci! Marci! Marci!
37:48Stop it.
37:55Marci!
38:01Marci!
38:17Um...
38:19You're... You're... You're probably thinking that, um...
38:24It, er...
38:29In some way, um...
38:33But, er...
38:36Oh, Karen! Martin Deer isn't he queers on his way up?
38:40Oh, my God! How do I look?
38:43Rough. I know. Crouch down. It makes you look less ugly.
38:47OK.
38:49Don't crouch.
38:51Mr Ugly?
38:53Yes.
38:57Who's, um... Joanna? Joanna Coole in the...
39:05Hello, ladies.
39:07Martin?
39:09Well, Dr Deer.
39:11Whatever.
39:13Is, um... Is... For his head around? The one with the curly hair?
39:16I need some T&D forms.
39:18I'm here.
39:20For what?
39:22Something.
39:24Can I get some forms, please?
39:27They're over there.
39:30I'll get them.
39:38There you go.
39:40Thanks.
39:42So...
39:44You've got lots of hair, haven't you?
39:46Yeah.
39:47Is it... Is it like that all over?
39:50Do you...
39:52Do you...
39:55Can you tell Joanna Coole that I have passed by, please?
39:59The... Thanks.
40:06See? I told you you'd look better crouched down.
40:10And what is this, Mr Boyce?
40:13It's a bone.
40:15Of course it's a bone, you fool. The question is, which bone is it?
40:19That's not the question you asked.
40:21Yes, it is.
40:23No, you said, what's this?
40:25Yes, well, I meant, what bone is this?
40:28Hmm. Don't know.
40:30Then I suggest you don't waste people's time by raising your nipple hands
40:34to ask a question on...
40:37Yes, well, I knew the answer to the question you actually asked,
40:40so I was right to raise my hand.
40:42Yeah, but that wasn't the question I meant, so you got it wrong.
40:45Is that not a bone, then?
40:47Yes, but you didn't get the question right, so you were wrong to raise your hand.
40:51Well, I didn't raise my hand to answer that question.
40:54Well, just... That is beside the point. Just cease now.
40:59Do I still have chipped eyes, blue eyes?
41:01Moving on.
41:03And neat handwriting?
41:05Moving on! Does anybody know what this is?
41:07It's a bone.
41:09Mr Boyce, you... Nobody move!
41:17Morning, everyone.
41:19Gone.
41:20Where's the bar?
41:22No home, I think.
41:24Good. Good. What a relief.
41:26God, I was dreading having to make conversation with you lot.
41:29You know, pretend we all like each other.
41:32Yeah, well, have a nice night.
41:35This isn't a joke, is it?
41:37You know, a surprise party.
41:39You think you've all gone home and then find you're all in the bar.
41:42No.
41:44I'd hate that.
41:46Well, you should be all right, cos that's not the plan.
41:49Good. Good. What a relief.
41:59There's not one bloody colour photo in the whole thing.
42:01That's an old one, that one.
42:03I mean. I mean, yes.
42:05No, no, nothing. No, go on.
42:07I mean, how would you boys feel if I'd been compiling a league table about you?
42:11Reducing you to mere physical attributes listed in cold numerical order,
42:15ignoring everything else about you and just concentrating on sex, sex, sex.
42:18I'd love it if you fascinated me.
42:20Unbelievable. All right, all right, we'll make one up, shall we?
42:23Arses out of ten.
42:25Guy, six. Mac, four. Martin, seven.
42:28Hair, Martin, three. Mac, three.
42:31Guy, six. Fuckosity, nil.
42:34Nil.
42:37Guess what?
42:39Nil.
42:41OK? Happy, boys?
42:43Yeah.
42:49Did you hear that? Got a seven for me arse.
42:51Oh, she was making it up, Martin. She said so.
42:54Yeah, well, she still said it. Those words came out of her mouth.
42:57Yeah, well, the words vole came out of her mouth earlier.
43:00A lot of the words face and donkey.
43:02Yeah, well, I still got a seven.
43:04No, you didn't get a seven, because that was made up.
43:07She was just saying the first thing that came into her head. It's not real.
43:10Yeah, mind you, it is hard to suppress your inner thoughts completely,
43:13and she did do it very quickly, so there might be something in it.
43:16I mean, after all, you do have the shittest hair.
43:18No, because if you actually listened,
43:20you would actually remember that I tied with Martin on hair.
43:23Yeah, but I won it, and what's more, with a clear three-point margin,
43:27and I had the highest aggregate combined total,
43:30that is it. I think there might be something in it after all.
43:34Yeah, we still got nil for Focosti, though, didn't we?
43:37Yeah, we did.
43:41Still, we've got the nicest house.
43:44That's it.
44:01MUSIC PLAYS
44:26I said, you do not know the difference between diphenhydramine
44:29hydrochloride and nucleic acid.
44:35Who's for another drink? Oh, I'll let you go.
44:37No, it's all right, I don't mind. No, no, no, it's Dr Statham's turn.
44:40No, no, it isn't. Yes, it is, you know it is.
44:43Well, actually, I suggest that I'd rather not go to the bar.
44:46It might be rather awkward,
44:48because the staff and I had a bit of a disagreement.
44:51About what?
44:55Bringing a dog into the bar.
44:58You haven't got a dog? No, that's right.
45:00And that's why they wouldn't serve me,
45:02because they said they were only serving dog owners.
45:05That was it.
45:07That's bizarre. Oh, dear.
45:09Quite mad they are. And there's some money, if you wouldn't mind.
45:12Yes, he does mind. No, he doesn't mind.
45:14Yes, he does mind. No, he doesn't.
45:18What's the matter with you? Can't you just do your own thing for one minute?
45:22And leave you alone with him?
45:24He must be mad. He's got methods.
45:27What are you talking about? He's got devious ways.
45:30One minute you're having a perfectly nice drink in the bar,
45:33the next minute, woof, you're spread-eagled on a rug in the woods
45:37without knowing how you got there,
45:39while he's rutting on top of you and ploughing his mucky little furrow.
45:44Mmm.
45:46What?
45:48Oh, nothing.
45:51What are you doing? Writing a speech.
45:54Oh, yeah, you're resigning? No, it's his best man speech.
45:57You're going to be a best man? Yep, this weekend.
46:00He's been asked to do it seven times. That is popularity for you.
46:03Seventh time, eh? You want to watch it, mate?
46:06My dad used to say to me,
46:08''Careful, always the bridesmaid, never the bride.''
46:11You were a bridesmaid, mate? What?
46:13No, your father said, ''Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.''
46:17That would imply that you were a bridesmaid.
46:20It was a turn of phrase. A turn of gender?
46:23Well, actually, in Switzerland, it's quite common for men to be bridesmaids.
46:27No, it isn't. Are you Swiss?
46:29No. Then you don't know. No, I do know that bridesmaids are women.
46:32What did you wear? Fuck off.
46:34A dress? No, it was a long tunic.
46:37A dress? No, I was five.
46:39I don't care how old you were, that is a thing that girls do.
46:42I don't care how old you were, that is a thing that girls do.
46:46You tell anyone, I'll cut your heart out with a spoon.
46:49''Always the bridesmaid.'' That's brilliant.
46:52I said shut up. I'm going to go and strain the greens.
46:56Yeah.
47:11Yeah, I bet you look lovely in a tunic.
47:13If you want to go to the loo, just go.
47:15I don't want to go to the loo.
47:17Yes, you do. I know you do.
47:19You're sitting there jiggling with your legs crossed like you always do.
47:22Maybe I should go.
47:24No, no, no, please, Lyndon. It's my birthday.
47:26Maybe just a few minutes.
47:30So, the world of I.T.
47:33What a mystery it is to the rest of us.
47:36How long have you been doing it for now, Lyndon?
47:39Four years. Four years.
47:41All right, you win. Just, you know, remember what I said. Be careful. He's got methods.
47:46OK.
47:51Oh, OK.
47:53Lyndon. Lyndon, I don't think I got my birthday kiss.
48:00Hello? What the hell do you want?
48:03The doctor said he'd give me 20 quid if I sat here for five minutes.
48:06Peanut? I'd better go. No, no, Lyndon.
48:10Fuck.
48:16Just bring it straight through.
48:19Careful, Liam.
48:21I thought you'd moved all your stuff in already.
48:23Yeah, just, you know, all the little bits and bobs that I can manage.
48:26All right. Is this yours?
48:28Yes, actually. Oh, I'd rather you didn't play with that.
48:31Sorry. It's just it was quite expensive.
48:35How long have you been playing?
48:37Oh, let me see, God.
48:39Well, it was when I was so... Yeah, about six months.
48:43Have you taken any grades?
48:45Oh, no, no, no. It's purely for relaxation.
48:49I'm completely self-taught.
48:51You know, the thing about the flute is that it's a far more complicated business than you'd imagine.
48:56You see, it actually takes about three months to get any sound out of it at all.
49:01Really? Yeah, yeah.
49:03But, yeah, I'm getting quite good now, so maybe I will take an exam.
49:07Brilliant.
49:09You know, I used to play the flute when I was little.
49:12When you were little? Are you sure you're not thinking about the recorder?
49:15This one goes out to the side, the recorder goes up and down.
49:18Oh, well, let me think. I'm pretty sure it's one of those long silvery tube things.
49:21Good job you don't go for the nickel-plated one.
49:23Why? You have terrible problems with acidic perspiration.
49:25It makes all the plating come off very quickly.
49:27That'd be no good to a sweaty old pig like me. The whole thing would just dissolve.
49:30No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't mean that you were a Swiss dog.
49:33We used to play together. Do you still have your flute?
49:36No.
49:38It gets a bit difficult after the first year, doesn't it?
49:41You've sort of moved on.
49:43Yeah. A bit daunting, was it?
49:45Where do you want to put the harp?
49:47Oh, hang on. Let me give you a hand.
49:54It's a knock-knock waiting to take drugs home.
49:57What?
49:59That's what people do. Take drugs in the cubicles.
50:02Read it in the report.
50:04Are you accusing me of taking cocaine on duty?
50:07No, no, no.
50:09I just pretty fully understand you're just waiting to do a private poo.
50:14No, I'm not waiting to do a private poo.
50:19I, er...
50:21It's normally like using the cubicle.
50:23But just to prove to you that I'm not doing drugs or wanting to do a poo,
50:26I'm going to use the urinal, OK?
50:29Yes, all right.
50:38Um...
50:40You do realise that you're...
50:42You're always...
50:46...fluorescent?
50:48Yes, thank you, yes.
50:52Shit.
50:56It's not a discharge.
51:05Stealer.
51:07What?
51:09You've got a rug in the woods, haven't you?
51:12Warmed and waiting.
51:14Thank you, pardon?
51:16You heard. Didn't work this time, though, did it, mister?
51:20Oh, God.
51:22I just think it's something you might have mentioned before you moved in.
51:26That's all.
51:28And gosh, I'm so sorry. I really am.
51:30The thing is, it's such a...
51:32It's such a part of me that I sometimes forget that it's quite big.
51:35Well, I think it's terribly exciting.
51:37And you can play it?
51:39Or do you just jam?
51:41I wouldn't say that I could play to professional standard.
51:44I got distinction at grade seven.
51:46Oh, what a clever babe.
51:48But if I'm in a position to do medicine, well, I...
51:51I just play for pleasure now.
51:53That I want to see.
51:55But if it's going to cause a row, then I can just pop it straight into storage.
51:59Oh!
52:01No, no, no. No, no, it's fine, it's fine.
52:04I wouldn't dream of it.
52:06I'm really looking forward to hearing you play.
52:09Although isn't it a shame you didn't get grade eight?
52:12I know!
52:19I'm so sorry.
52:30Hi, there.
52:32Oh, God, don't do that.
52:34Sorry, did I scare you?
52:36No, no, I just meant don't come near me.
52:38Yeah, well, I've got something for you.
52:40Oh, well, go on, then, make it quick.
52:43Well, happy birthday, Mum.
52:49Bugger off.
52:51What about a birthday hug?
52:53Yeah, sounds great. Go and find me a fireman.
52:55Nothing from your son.
52:57No.
52:59Please.
53:09Oh, happy birthday, Mum.
53:11Yeah.
53:13Oh, you're lovely.
53:15No, I'm not.
53:17No, I'm not.
53:48You're like a big pink fairy hot water bottle.
53:50Yeah, thanks very much.
53:52Right, so the Heimlich manoeuvre from the front
53:55is basically a non-starter.
53:57Yes, yeah, that's right.
53:59The Heimlich manoeuvre from the front is not going to work.
54:02It's dangerous, so don't...
54:04Nice talking to you. Top to do.
54:06Good.
54:11You're lurking?
54:13Yes.
54:15Right. Meet me at my car, front car park.
54:18Five minutes.
54:20As it's your birthday, are you going to let me touch it?
54:25Maybe.
54:45No, I'm not.
55:16KNOCK ON DOOR
55:18Is anyone around?
55:30God, I love that woman.
55:45Oh, my God.