the ghosts of motley hall - season 2 episode 7
the ghosts of motley hall - season 2 episode 7
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00:30♪♪
00:40♪♪
00:50♪♪
01:00Poor little beggar.
01:02Eh?
01:04To Page.
01:05What Page?
01:07Good King Wenceslas Page, of course.
01:09A great turnip.
01:10Page, a monarch. Fourth day went, remember?
01:13Couldn't very well say no, could he?
01:15Had to do as he was told.
01:16See how it was a king?
01:18No.
01:19You mean yes.
01:21Oh, do I?
01:22I think it's downright cruel.
01:24Mark my footsteps, indeed.
01:26Tread thou in them boldly.
01:28Probably only a little, lad.
01:29Must have been up to his eyebrows, innit?
01:31In what, what is it?
01:33The snow, of course.
01:34You do know good King Wenceslas.
01:36Oh, not to speak to.
01:40Hey, I found some old paper chains.
01:42Favourite, my, but they'll do.
01:44And some silver bells.
01:46Well, they were silver.
01:47And a bottle of something.
01:48Never been opened.
01:49Thought Sir George might like it.
01:51And an angel.
01:52Only one wing, though.
01:53Oh, and this.
01:55HE WHISTLES
01:57Good, innit?
02:01Well, what's up? Where's the others?
02:03Sir George is in the library,
02:04the white lady's in the bell tower,
02:06and we're just going, ain't we, Fanny?
02:08Yeah.
02:09Going? Going where?
02:10Er, separate ways.
02:12But what about the meeting?
02:13Over.
02:14Over?
02:15We, er, couldn't agree about Christmas.
02:18So we ain't having it.
02:19Instead of a get-together,
02:21we're having a stay-apart.
02:24You can't not have Christmas.
02:26Well, it ain't for the likes of us, if you think about it.
02:28I mean, the only presents we're likely to get
02:30is that poltergeist in the East Wing.
02:32Christmas is for everybody.
02:34You said we'd have, we'd have a party,
02:36sing carols, play games.
02:37What about all them conjuring tricks you've been practising?
02:40Next year, eh?
02:41But, Bob King!
02:43It's been agreed.
02:44No Christmas.
02:45Sorry.
02:50This was George's idea, wasn't it, Fanny?
02:52Not really.
02:53Not exactly.
02:54Not exactly?
02:55Where are you going?
02:57To tackle your pepper pot, Mads!
03:02How dare you come barging in here?
03:04I've just found out about Christmas.
03:06We ain't having it.
03:07Because you can't be bothered.
03:08It isn't up to me.
03:09It was put to the vote, and we all voted no.
03:11You didn't wait to find out what I thought about it, did you?
03:14You weren't at the meeting.
03:15Then we didn't all vote no, did we?
03:17Don't you get clever with me, you impertinent young dog.
03:19Well, it's true, we haven't.
03:21Then you should have been at the meeting.
03:23I was in the cellar looking for Christmas decorations.
03:25George won't be.
03:26He might have disclosed we are.
03:27No Christmas.
03:29Everybody agreed.
03:30I hope he did.
03:31Very well, then.
03:32Four to one.
03:33A majority.
03:34If it's good enough for me, it's good enough for the rest of them.
03:38And yet, believe me, you can be what you like.
03:42Besides, I would remind you that you are only in Botley Hall on Sundays.
03:47And after you've spent your Christmas apart,
03:49I suggest that you go back to the stables and leave us in peace.
03:53But you wouldn't go, would you?
03:55There's more bickering and bad humour at Christmas
03:58than the rest of the year put together.
04:00Look at last Christmas,
04:01when we caught Bodkin stealing from the bag of that dog.
04:04Look at last Christmas,
04:05when we caught Bodkin stealing from the bag of that ghastly hymn of Monopoly.
04:09Fanny turned into a jewel, you lost your temper,
04:11and the white lady disappeared into limbo.
04:14I lost me temper?
04:15It was you!
04:17I never lose my temper.
04:18Just because you couldn't get a hotel on Piccadilly?
04:20That was it.
04:23Leave her, I read!
04:24This instant!
04:31Hey, missus.
04:33Go away.
04:35I've come about Christmas.
04:37Well, we're not having it, we're keeping to ourselves.
04:40I know, but I thought that maybe...
04:42What are you looking at?
04:44People.
04:45Where?
04:46Coming up the drive.
04:47Good, you know.
04:48Well, of course not, he's gone to his sister's in Bradford.
04:51How do you know?
04:52Because he always goes to his sister's in Bradford.
04:55Oh, good.
04:57What?
04:58None of them's fallen over.
04:59May I have a look?
05:01There.
05:03Who are they?
05:04How should I know?
05:05Oh, thank heavens they can't get in.
05:08But they may want a shelter from the snow.
05:10Then they had better build an igloo.
05:21It's empty.
05:22Empty!
05:23Oh!
05:24And locked.
05:26Let's try the back.
05:28Don't be absurd.
05:29You should never have left the car.
05:31I didn't want to.
05:32I said it was a stupid idea.
05:34You should have stayed where we were and not listened to her.
05:36Then why did you?
05:37Because you wouldn't stop moaning about your wretched children.
05:39It was you who drove the car into the ditch.
05:41Don't blame me because this idiot girl's dragged us to an empty house.
05:44I didn't know it was empty, Aunt Edith.
05:46No, and you didn't think, did you?
05:48We could at least try to get in. Come on.
05:50Oh!
05:51Oh, dear.
05:52Don't go in it.
05:54Edith, wait for me.
05:56Don't go in for that.
06:03Eat in, old corkscrew, have you?
06:05Covered in the kitchen.
06:19Boring.
06:20As if they'd leave that open.
06:22Stupid girl.
06:26We have to go back to the car, then.
06:32It must have stuck.
06:35Come on.
06:39Go along, Ethel.
06:41But after you, Edith.
06:43Snibbling coward.
06:45The wind.
06:47Well, of course it was.
06:49Aunt Edith! Aunt Ethel!
06:52What was that?
06:54Clammy.
06:56Lousy girl, of course.
06:58It was Edith.
07:00Edith!
07:02Edith!
07:04Edith!
07:06Edith!
07:08Edith!
07:10Edith!
07:12Edith!
07:14Edith!
07:16Edith!
07:18Edith!
07:20Well, of course.
07:22Ellie?
07:24This way, in here.
07:44Come on, damn it.
07:50Oh.
08:08Oh, what a dreadful place.
08:11Yes.
08:13It's probably crawling with rats.
08:15I wonder who he was.
08:17You're not supposed to freeze to death while you stand there daydreaming.
08:20If she had any gumption at all, she'd light a fire.
08:23A fire?
08:25Yes, dear, a fire. You do know what a fire is, don't you?
08:27Here.
08:29You know, sometimes I think she's a bit simple.
08:31But what with, Aunt Edith?
08:33You see, no initiative.
08:35Find something.
08:37They're all the same today.
08:39Spoon-fed.
08:41Spoiled.
08:43Like a sweet.
08:45The green ones.
08:47Don't like the green ones.
08:49They're my favourite.
08:51You've always preferred the red ones.
08:53You've eaten those as well.
08:55Look, someone's been here recently.
08:57Caretaker, probably.
08:59No lights, though.
09:01I bet there's some candles somewhere.
09:03Shall I have a look round?
09:05And wriggle out of lighting the fire?
09:07Oh, no, we'll go.
09:09Come along, Ethel.
09:11You'll ruin your teeth with those sweets.
09:13Come along, Ethel.
09:43Come along, Ethel.
10:13Don't go away.
10:17You're a ghost, aren't you?
10:19Please, don't scream.
10:21I wasn't going to.
10:23You ain't scared?
10:25I don't think so.
10:27Who are you the ghost of?
10:29Me, of course.
10:31Yes, of course, I'm sorry.
10:33What's your name?
10:35Matt.
10:37What's yours?
10:39Ellie.
10:41We'll never find our way back.
10:43You're so spineless, Ethel.
10:45Do you always appear on Christmas Eve?
10:47I'm here all the time.
10:49Are you?
10:51Aye, if people can see me, but not many can.
10:53Them other two can't.
10:55No, they wouldn't.
10:57Are you lonely?
10:59Not now. I was, in the stables.
11:01Then one day I came in the house and met the others.
11:03Others?
11:05Aye, there's five of us.
11:07Oh, they're not here at the moment.
11:09Is he one of the five?
11:11Aye, Sir George, he's in the library.
11:13Can I see him?
11:15I don't know, but you'd better not find out,
11:17because he'll see you and then there'll be another round.
11:19Why?
11:21Because I'm not supposed to let you in. It's a rule.
11:23Then why did you?
11:25I don't know, really, except, well, you look frozen.
11:27I was.
11:29And besides, it is Christmas, whatever the rest of them say.
11:31Are you?
11:33Oh!
11:35Oh!
11:59Must you wake the dead?
12:05Look, Edith!
12:07Candles!
12:09No need to make such a song and dance about it.
12:11My father's an engineer.
12:13Works for a big oil company in Baghdad.
12:15Where's that?
12:17The Middle East.
12:19It's a smashing place. I loved it there.
12:21But when Mum died,
12:23Dad had to send me back to England.
12:25My aunt's run a boarding school, you see.
12:27We'll use these for the candles.
12:29And this!
12:31Oh, come on, Uncle.
12:33Abort!
12:35There's nothing edible in it.
12:37Abort!
12:39Nothing edible.
12:41Don't you think of anything but your stomach.
12:43And now for my next trick,
12:45a gentle's all,
12:47I place this goose quill in the kerchief's sole.
12:49Do you care to fill the feathers up?
12:51Now, this is very, very ticklish.
12:53Now, I would like you to discover...
12:55What's up with you?
12:57The bottle, Boris, the bottle. I opened the bottle.
12:59What bottle?
13:01Yes, I pulled out the cork.
13:03Oh, why did I do it?
13:05Calm down, you daft cork.
13:07It came with a ghastly sort of whoosh.
13:09A ghastly what?
13:11Whoosh, whoosh.
13:13Who mean whoosh?
13:15It chased me all over Motley.
13:17What, the cork?
13:19The thing, the thing from the bottle.
13:21What did it look like?
13:23It was huge.
13:25How huge?
13:27It was much more than the others.
13:29It was some 50 foot high.
13:31It was awful.
13:33It was a nightmare.
13:35Oh, God.
13:37So can I.
13:45And I've written to him lots of times,
13:47but still,
13:49I suppose he's very busy.
13:51But I do want to go back.
13:53Right, so you should.
13:55It strikes me you've been put upon by them two harpies for long enough.
13:57By it, they treat you like a scullery maid.
13:59Can't do much about it, though, can I?
14:03You let them in!
14:05I'm sorry, White Lady, but it was...
14:07You try to make excuses.
14:09You know the rules.
14:11She can see me.
14:13Can you?
14:15What on earth possessed you?
14:17Wait a minute.
14:19I'll rephrase that.
14:21What made you do it?
14:23Christmas.
14:25Oh, just wait till Sir George
14:27hears about this.
14:29You ain't going to tell him?
14:31I most certainly am.
14:33George! Sir George!
14:35Sir George!
14:37Sir George.
14:39Is there no peace?
14:41Matt has let three people
14:43into Motley Hall.
14:45What?
14:47What does he think this place is, Woburn?
14:49And what is even worse,
14:51he has been talking to one of them.
14:53Fraternisation
14:55is and always has been strictly forbidden.
14:57Where is he?
14:59Well...
15:05Ooh, ten pounds.
15:07Thanks very much.
15:15Help!
15:17Don't just stand there, go and give us a hand!
15:19What is it, Sir George?
15:21What are you doing in here?
15:23Sir George!
15:25The giant phantom is...
15:27Help us, you idiots, help us!
15:29Help us!
15:31What on earth are you doing?
15:33Nothing, Auntie.
15:35Help us!
15:37Don't just...
15:39Except together, girls.
15:41There's nothing up there.
15:47Master.
15:51Oh, stop looking up there.
15:53What is it?
15:55Master.
15:57Put him down!
15:59You don't know where he's been?
16:01That's not funny, Borders.
16:03Put him down!
16:05Don't upset him, Sir George.
16:07I don't think he means any harm.
16:09He's just playing.
16:11Could we have Fanny back now, please?
16:13Master?
16:15I reckon only Fanny can tell him what to do.
16:17That's it.
16:19Fanny,
16:21command him to put you down.
16:23Command him?
16:25Yes, you're his master.
16:27Master.
16:29See?
16:31I don't feel like his master.
16:33It's worth a try.
16:35I command you
16:37to put me down.
16:41I said put,
16:43not drop,
16:45you great ghoul.
16:47Sometimes my failure to understand
16:49is due to appalling lack
16:51of educational facilities
16:53in jolly beastly Persian desert.
16:55Eh?
16:57Nevertheless, I am most frightfully grateful
16:59to be uncorked, don't you know?
17:01Yours very sincerely forever and ever.
17:03Looks like he belongs to you.
17:05But I don't want him.
17:07I mean, I wouldn't know what to do with him.
17:09He might a very good bodyguard
17:11if you had a body.
17:13Fanny, ask him who he is.
17:15I say,
17:17I say indeed,
17:19command him, Fanny,
17:21get him, you're his owner.
17:23Rise.
17:27I mean, stand.
17:33I command you
17:35to tell me
17:37who you are.
17:39Abdullah al-Rashid bin Saladin,
17:41insignificant Persian djinn.
17:43Insignificant?
17:45Looks like a large djinn to me.
17:47Ah, that is typical English dreadful pun,
17:49is it not?
17:51But I am spelled J-I-N-N.
17:55Oh, what exactly is a J-I...
17:57I-N-N.
17:59Jolly difficult to elucidate.
18:01Djinns are eastern spirits.
18:03Very powerful, you bet.
18:05I humbly suggest you read Arabian Nights
18:07for further enlightenment.
18:09Oh, you mean you're like a sort of genie?
18:11Genie, djinn, djinn.
18:13It is totally inextinguishable.
18:15Indistinguishable?
18:17Inextinguishable.
18:19Which is why a Forset Abdullah al-Rashid bin Saladin
18:21was placed in beastly belly-pot.
18:23By a wicked magician?
18:25Good gracious.
18:27The lady has smitten the nail right on the top.
18:29How did the fair one know this thing?
18:31Well, it happens quite a lot
18:33in these sort of stories, doesn't it?
18:35Indeed, it is all too beastly common.
18:37But now, thanks to my new master's
18:39extreme kindness,
18:41Saladin's incarceration is finally over.
18:47Well, there's no need
18:49for all this bowing and scraping, really.
18:51I wish he wasn't quite so overpowering.
18:53I think I'd prefer a small djinn.
18:55Well, get him to shrink a bit.
18:57Shrink?
18:59He must be able to, mustn't he?
19:01Otherwise he'd never get stuck in that bottle.
19:03Saladin?
19:05Saladin?
19:07Yes, oh master.
19:09Ah, could you
19:11reduce yourself, Jot?
19:13To hear is to obey,
19:15oh master.
19:21Normal service
19:23will be resumed as soon as possible.
19:25He's been in that bottle too long.
19:27Sure you have my best attentions
19:29at all times.
19:31Chin-chin Saladin!
19:35Oh dear, I seem to have
19:37trodden all over the place that time, haven't I?
19:39Chin-chin Saladin!
19:43A thousand pardons, oh master,
19:45for time taken to arrive at optimum loftiness.
19:47Eh?
19:49If there is anything else my master should require
19:51pretty damn quick, please do not hesitate
19:53to ask.
19:57I can't think of anything
19:59I want.
20:01Ellie, stop daydreaming.
20:03Sorry, Aunt Ethel.
20:07The treasures of the East!
20:09I say, it's a bit greedy.
20:13You can't look a gift horse in the mouth.
20:15It's what gins are for.
20:17Saladin?
20:19Master?
20:21Fetch me the treasures of the East.
20:23To hear is to obey, oh master.
20:25I very much hope so. Chin-chin
20:27Saladin!
20:29Slow gin, indeed.
20:33Shouldn't be too long.
20:37The treasures of the East, oh master.
20:39What?
20:41There appears to have been a somewhat radical change of values.
20:43Oh, what a revolting smell.
20:45This ain't the treasures of the East.
20:47Master, the great Afrit of Arabia
20:49gave me his personal insurance.
20:51Insurance?
20:53Insurance.
20:55Take this away.
20:57We want the treasures
20:59of the East.
21:01To hear is to obey, oh master.
21:03Chin-chin Saladin!
21:05What sort of chin, ain't he?
21:07Perhaps he needs a tonic.
21:11Treasures of the East, oh master.
21:13Are you sure?
21:15Oh yes, master. You see, made in Hong Kong.
21:19You haven't heard a word we've been saying, have you?
21:21Sorry, Aunt Edith.
21:23In the morning you will walk down to the village and get help.
21:25We need more wood for the fire.
21:27Tell her to get some.
21:29What was that?
21:31I said we'll need quite a bit.
21:33Like the candles?
21:35Ah, scrabble.
21:37Oh, all right.
21:41Oh yes.
21:43Perhaps someone will see the car
21:45and come and rescue us.
21:47Oh, don't be absurd, Ethel.
21:49I'm not moving from this fire until morning.
21:51Edith, I just remembered.
21:53There's an enormous amount of coffee in the car.
21:55Ellie?
21:57Yes, I'll get it.
21:59I'll come with you.
22:01What?
22:03Nothing.
22:05That fellow needs straightening out, Fanny.
22:07Focus in if you ask me.
22:09Oh, I didn't think so.
22:11He's a foreigner, ain't he?
22:13I had a lot of beggars, all of them.
22:15Can't trust him, you know.
22:17Oh, but a positive, is he?
22:19He would nicely as soon as look at you.
22:21I sent some sheets to the Chinese laundry.
22:23Yeah?
22:25There we saw him again.
22:27How ghastly.
22:29Disappeared without trace.
22:31Oh, the usual inquiries were made, of course, but...
22:33I still shudder
22:35when I think what bed they finished up on.
22:37So you think it's Saladin?
22:39Well, I'm...
22:41expected to be here.
22:43I spent years out east.
22:47Loomed him here.
22:49Mm-mm.
22:51It's a...
22:53Francis.
22:55Saladin. Master.
22:57Sir George wants to talk to you.
22:59Yes, master.
23:01In the library.
23:03You will go with him.
23:05To hear is to obey, oh master.
23:11I hope you know what you're doing, Fanny.
23:13Fanny?
23:17Well, now.
23:19It seems a bit...
23:21a bit of a misunderstanding.
23:23I am all over ears.
23:25Eh? Yes, yes.
23:27Well, now, you see...
23:29when I was, uh...
23:31in the land of the living...
23:33I did most of my military service overseas.
23:35Defending Britain, you know.
23:39In the Middle East, as a matter of fact.
23:41Yes, and of course, while I was over there,
23:43I picked up the usual curios
23:45and souvenirs
23:47acquired in various bazaars
23:49and, uh...
23:51other places.
23:55And one of the things I bought
23:57was a rather nice little bottle.
23:59A sort of, uh...
24:03nice little bottle.
24:05Oh, my goodness.
24:07Yes.
24:09And gin, the fellow said.
24:11So naturally, I assumed it was, uh...
24:13And I started to open it
24:15in the mess
24:17and it began to fizz.
24:19Can't stand gin fizz. Never could.
24:21So I left it alone
24:23and brought it back to Blighty.
24:25Unopened.
24:27The plot is getting very much thicker,
24:29is it not?
24:31Yes, yes.
24:33Well...
24:35I sort of lost sight of it.
24:37You know the way one does.
24:39Until...
24:41today, that is.
24:43Matt found it.
24:45Francis opened it.
24:47But I own it.
24:49Whoever sets me free
24:51is my master.
24:53Ah, yes, but I commanded
24:55Francis to open the bottle.
24:57Ah.
24:59Yes.
25:01That changes things a bit, don't it?
25:03Indeed.
25:05The glass is so high,
25:07it strikes sharply against a rapidly revolving fan.
25:09Ah.
25:13Well...
25:15Master.
25:17Exactly.
25:23D-Y-A-D.
25:25Dyad.
25:27There's no such word.
25:29Are you challenging me?
25:31Yes.
25:33One, two, three.
25:35Shall I go on? Tetra? Penta? Hexa?
25:37It's not fair.
25:39Your turn, Ethel.
25:41Go on, Ethel.
25:43Boo.
25:45What?
25:47B-O-O.
25:49Boo.
25:51All right.
25:53Now, pay attention.
25:55Sharon Lynn and I
25:57have had a little chat
25:59and things have changed somewhat.
26:01Ain't they?
26:03Yes, old master.
26:05Master. I warned you, Fanny.
26:07You've taken my gin!
26:09Be quiet, Francis.
26:11Saladin.
26:13Come here at once.
26:15Gloria.
26:17It's altogether a much better arrangement.
26:19Oh, cessa.
26:21Quite apart from the fact
26:23that I brought the bottle here originally.
26:25You did?
26:27Yes.
26:29As head of our little community...
26:31Head?
26:33We've always been equals.
26:35Kindred spirit.
26:37As head of our little community,
26:39I feel that I am entitled to a servant.
26:41Osmotic.
26:43Silence!
26:45Bring me my uniform.
26:47To here is to...
26:49Full dress.
26:51At the double.
26:53Bay, master.
26:55The medals!
26:57Cut!
26:59Pins.
27:01A glass
27:03will be knighted even.
27:05Empty!
27:07Not that kind.
27:11Now, look at glass, nincompoop!
27:17Over there.
27:23The coffee.
27:25Why?
27:27Why's he dressed like that?
27:29Because he's Saladin's new master.
27:31And he's completely gone to his head.
27:33Splendid.
27:35All right.
27:37Christmas Eve, ain't it?
27:39Yes, sir George.
27:41You will address me as sir.
27:43You ain't serious, are you?
27:45I've decided to make a few changes.
27:47You can't decide to change anything.
27:49Not without a meeting.
27:51No more meetings.
27:53I'll declare an illegal assembly
27:55and take appropriate action against offenders.
27:57You have taken leave of your senses.
27:59From now on,
28:01all decisions will be taken by me.
28:03Here, up the abroad!
28:05And obeyed without question.
28:07You'll soon get accustomed to it.
28:09You'll come to prefer it.
28:11No more responsibilities.
28:15I shall bear them all.
28:17Alone.
28:19You'll be served.
28:25Forgetting one thing, ain't you?
28:27Master.
28:29Saladin.
28:31I'll crush any rebellion.
28:33Do you hear?
28:35Crush it!
28:37The slave will do anything I ask.
28:39Do your worst.
28:41You can't threaten me.
28:43You'll soon change your tune.
28:4530 days' detention.
28:47Don't do it, Saladin.
28:51That is an order.
28:53To hear is unfortunately to obey, oh Master.
28:55Chin, chin,
28:57Saladin!
29:01That should bring them to heel.
29:07Do something about that door, Ellie.
29:17You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
29:19It's nothing to do with you.
29:21You shouldn't be here at all.
29:23Neither should you.
29:25What?
29:27You should have gone somewhere else years ago.
29:29And I know where.
29:31By the thundering of...
29:33Don't you shout at me.
29:35If you can't rest in peace,
29:37at least try to haunt Motley decently
29:39instead of strutting about in that silly uniform
29:41pretending to be Napoleon.
29:47Saladin!
29:53Your commands have been obeyed, oh Master.
29:55They're your friends, Sir George.
29:57That mutinous rabble.
29:59Need teaching a lesson.
30:01Do as I say or else.
30:03Is that your Christmas message?
30:05Take this impertinent little minx
30:07and throw her out of Motley.
30:09Throw them all out.
30:11I humbly suggest that even the mythical brass monkey
30:13would find the coldness of the night air
30:15a few miserable pagan.
30:17Get rid of them!
30:19Not for every casket of tea throughout the land of China.
30:21What?
30:23A foresaid miserable pagan
30:25hereby repudiates any agreement
30:27previously entered into yours truly
30:29A.R. Saladin, F.E.E.
30:31Samarkand University.
30:33F.E.E.?
30:35Failed entrance examination.
30:37Are you refusing to obey me?
30:41Now listen to me, you despicable little Persian.
30:43I own you.
30:45That is so much Tommy Rot, don't you know?
30:47On your knees up!
30:49Be still!
30:53Fine feathers make fine birds.
31:01Well, you asked for it, didn't you?
31:03You asked for it, didn't you?
31:13This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't behaved so badly.
31:17No, I've no sympathy for you.
31:19You brought it on yourself.
31:21Well, off yourself.
31:25All right.
31:27I'll try and get the others out of the cellar.
31:29Maybe Fanny can help.
31:33Come on.
31:49Oh, he shows your temper.
31:51I didn't do it.
31:53I saw you.
31:55Idiot, you liar.
31:57Well, I don't want to play anymore anyway.
31:59Not surprised.
32:03Where's the girl?
32:05Gone for more firewood.
32:07Possibly.
32:09She's been acting very strangely.
32:11She has?
32:13You don't think she's found out anything, do you?
32:15How could she?
32:17We burnt his letters as soon as they arrived at the school.
32:19Except the last one.
32:21My handbag.
32:23She's found it.
32:25She knows.
32:27Is the letter inside?
32:29Yes.
32:31No?
32:33I get a refund.
32:35Oh.
32:37My dearest Ellie.
32:39I can't understand
32:41why I haven't heard from you lately.
32:43Very strange.
32:45Of course, the post this end
32:47is none too reliable.
32:49It's not much better over here.
32:51Anyway, I've decided
32:53that it's silly you being in England
32:55and me out here.
32:57So I enclose a little Christmas surprise.
32:59Fly out to Baghdad on Boxing Day.
33:01That's what he thinks.
33:05We're not losing Ellie, are we?
33:07Certainly not.
33:09She's a treasure.
33:19There you are.
33:21Been exploring?
33:23Going for a dip, Sir George.
33:25Fire needs tending.
33:29How many syllables?
33:31Go on, girl.
33:33He's off his head.
33:43Welcome back,
33:45Saladino chap.
33:47I'm the one that let you out
33:49the bottle, remember?
33:51Go on, Fanny.
33:55Juice funny, that is.
33:57He deserved it.
33:59But he is sorry.
34:01So could you remove the spell?
34:05Command him to, Fanny.
34:07Unfortunately, dear lady,
34:09that is not possible.
34:11You see, he who keeps company with wolves
34:13will soon learn how to howl.
34:15I don't like the sound of this.
34:17The servant has become the master.
34:19It is my turn
34:21to give the orders
34:23and your turn to obey.
34:26Seems to me there's no way out of it.
34:28Either we do as Saladino tells us
34:30or we take the consequences.
34:32And I shudder to think what they might be.
34:34He'll probably bottle a lot of us.
34:36Maybe we could reason with him.
34:38Why did you open it in the first place?
34:40I don't know, but as curiosity, I suppose.
34:42Curiosity? You must have known
34:44you couldn't drink it.
34:46It ain't my fault. I mean, he found the accursed thing.
34:48I ain't to blame for what happened since,
34:50so am I.
34:52What about him?
34:54Sit down, Sir George.
34:57Look, sit down.
35:01It's no good crying over spilt gins.
35:03We've got to do something about it.
35:05Well, it seems quite obvious to me that...
35:07What's Elliot doing here?
35:09She ain't doing anything.
35:13Yes, yes, Sir George, very nice.
35:15He'll lay an egg in a minute.
35:17Will you stop making an exhibition of yourself?
35:20That would be a bit difficult, wouldn't it?
35:23Look, it seems quite obvious to me that...
35:26Now, I'm sorry, I feel very uncomfortable with a...
35:29Quite.
35:30...person present.
35:31I won't interfere. I won't say a word.
35:33She can't do any harm, White Lady.
35:35Oh, very well.
35:37What are we going to do about Salady?
35:39What can we do? The fellow's got the whip hand, ain't he?
35:41Well, there's only one answer.
35:43We've got to get him back into his bottle.
35:45How?
35:46Well, I don't know yet, but there must be a way.
35:48After all, he's been bottled before.
35:51Yeah, but that was by a magician.
35:53Well, you're a magician.
35:54I'm a fool. Half a dozen party tricks don't make me a magician.
35:58Tricks?
35:59Of course, we've got to trick him back into his bottle.
36:02Oh, no, please do sit down, Sir George.
36:06Where is it?
36:07What?
36:08The bottle.
36:09Er...
36:10I don't know.
36:11You must know.
36:12No, sorry.
36:14Ooh! Ah!
36:15I've, er... I've got the cork, though.
36:17What's the good of a cork without a bottle?
36:20I don't know. What is the good of a cork without a bottle?
36:23About as much as good as a bottle is without a cork.
36:26Oh, oh! Ah!
36:27Do you remember where you opened it?
36:29Er, yes. I wasn't in here.
36:32How do you know?
36:33Lefty had looked for the corkscrew.
36:35Which was in the kitchen.
36:36So it was. How did you know?
36:37Cos I told you it was.
36:38Did you?
36:39Yeah, you asked me.
36:40Asked you what?
36:41Where the corkscrew was.
36:42Then that must have been where you opened it.
36:44What?
36:45The bottle.
36:46Where?
36:47In the kitchen!
36:49Of course!
36:50I knew I'd remember in the end.
36:53Oh.
36:57Er...
36:59Anyone, er...
37:00like to go with me?
37:02Oh, all right.
37:04Thanks, Borders.
37:05And you'd better give me that cork before you lose it.
37:07Bring one of them candles.
37:16Ready.
37:19Go.
37:32You may come back at any moment.
37:34Who?
37:35Saladin.
37:36Where were you?
37:37When?
37:38When you opened that bottle, you great mugwump.
37:39In here!
37:40I'm just...
37:41I know you was in here, but where was your stand in?
37:43Er, where you are now, sir.
37:45Hold it.
37:46Ooh!
37:47Ow!
37:48I was just thinking.
37:49What?
37:50What has Saladin's been back for?
37:51Why should he?
37:52When is his bottle?
37:53What would he want it for?
37:55Hold it.
37:59I can't see it.
38:00Here, here, here.
38:01I'll look.
38:02I know what it looks like.
38:03What colour was it?
38:04Er, I can't remember.
38:05No, wait!
38:06Ah!
38:07Here.
38:08It was blue.
38:09Dark blue.
38:10Here.
38:11About ten inches high.
38:12Yes, that's right.
38:13Broad base.
38:14Right.
38:15No squiggles.
38:16Here.
38:17Oh, you found it, didn't you?
38:20Yes, I did.
38:21I found it.
38:25I...
38:26Well, I...
38:29We'll never trick him back into the bottle.
38:31Well, I don't see why not.
38:32They always manage it in the Arabian Nights.
38:34Yes, but he's read that.
38:35Look, look!
38:36I found it!
38:37Oh!
38:38It's incredible!
38:39Oh, you half-witted sackbust!
38:41Sorry, I'll drop the bottle.
38:43We're trying to sleep.
38:44Sorry.
38:45No consideration.
38:46Sometimes, Fanny, I wish you were alive.
38:50Oh, do you, Adelaide?
38:51Why?
38:52So that I would have the pleasure of strangling you.
38:54Well, that puts paid for that little plan, doesn't it?
38:56Well, it wasn't much of one anyway.
38:58We'll never trick him back into the bottle now.
39:00What about another bottle?
39:01Well, where do you fit it?
39:03There ain't another bottle.
39:04Officially, there must be scores of bottles down in the cellars.
39:06Milk bottles, wine bottles, beer bottles.
39:08Goods include them all out last week.
39:11What about this?
39:13That's very thick, yes.
39:15Yes, but how are we going to get him inside it?
39:18We've got to make him want to go inside it.
39:20Want to?
39:21Get in there.
39:22Why?
39:23How?
39:25A conjuring trick, with this.
39:27What sort of trick?
39:29Well, it doesn't matter what sort of trick.
39:31Don't you see?
39:32All you've got to do is make him think.
39:35Abdullah El Rashid bin Saladin the Magnificent has returned.
39:39Glory, honour.
39:41For so it is written that all beastly work and no play whatsoever
39:45makes Jack the very dullest of chaps.
39:48Very tasteful and incredibly posh evening dress, don't you think?
39:52Extra special, top quality.
39:54No expense has been spared to produce
39:56a wonderfully stunning effect for...
39:59Jack.
40:02I command you all to wish your Lord and Master
40:04Abdullah El Rashid bin Saladin
40:06the happiest and merriest of all possible Christmases
40:10or the earth shall open and swallow up this filthy oval
40:14as if it had never been.
40:16He can do it too.
40:18Sir George.
40:19Merry Christmas, Your Majesty.
40:21I hope you have a lovely diet.
40:22Merry Christmas.
40:23Will the slave with his head down?
40:25Yes, sir.
40:27I hope you have a lovely diet.
40:29Merry Christmas.
40:30Will the slave with the face of an Emersonian sheep come hither?
40:35Go on, Sir George, go for a bath.
40:37Oh, please, they're a bit difficult.
40:44This substandard spirit is hereby appointed officially
40:48the bearer of the sacred umbrella of Mutah.
40:58Hmm.
41:21It is all going most awfully jolly well, is it not?
41:25Awfully.
41:29The question was merely rhetorical.
41:31No reply was expected or indeed required.
41:34That's funny.
41:36Can I just say something?
41:38No.
41:39Any other shade wish to defile the peerless ear holes
41:43of Abdullah El Rashid bin Saladin?
41:47Merriest of all possible Christmases to you, Your Worship.
41:50Would Your Excellency welcome a court jester to entertain you?
41:54A billiard draw-nigh.
41:57A pocket draw-nigh.
41:58Honest, I'd rather not.
42:00It'll never work. I'll finish up some other awful.
42:03Now I will.
42:04Go on.
42:08A funny thing happened to me on the way to the billiard table.
42:10Ah!
42:11This will be a perfectly high-class funny evening
42:15with many laughable jokes and wheezes.
42:17You will provide just what the medical man sent for
42:20and make tears of happy mirth
42:22to tumble down right into your cheeks.
42:25Good Lord.
42:27Why do the birds fly south?
42:29Because it is too jolly far for them to walk.
42:31I do not wish to know that.
42:32Can we leave the billiard table?
42:34Shall I sing?
42:35No.
42:36Get on with it.
42:37What?
42:38You're on a conjuring trip, Boris.
42:40Now I should like to call upon my assistant
42:43who will assist me to do some remarkable feats of magic.
42:48Magic?
42:49Yes.
42:50You will perform magic in front of me?
42:53Instruct your mother's mother how to remove the innards from an egg?
42:57Hold on, Your Majesty.
42:59Your gin mill...
43:01Gin slip...
43:03I don't mean real magic.
43:05I mean conjurer's magic.
43:07The quickness of the hand deceives the eye.
43:09Not my eye.
43:11Yes, I would be afraid of that.
43:15Here, where did you learn that?
43:16I don't remember.
43:18You will saw her in half?
43:19No, no.
43:20Everybody does that.
43:21You're insulting.
43:22Lengthwise?
43:24My trick is much, much better.
43:26Isn't it, everybody?
43:27Yes.
43:28What is your trick?
43:29Yes, well...
43:32I make something...
43:35disappear.
43:36Oh, you mean like this?
43:38Yes.
43:39No!
43:41Could you bring it back, please?
43:43Why should I?
43:44Because I need it for the trick.
43:46Oh.
43:47Thank you.
43:49Thank you.
43:50Yes, well, now, the idea of this trick
43:52is to make something disappear from inside this simple little jar.
43:57You see?
43:58Quite solid.
43:59Now, I take this kerchief...
44:01Let me see it.
44:02You've just seen it.
44:03I take this kerchief...
44:04Let me see the trick.
44:06Take this kerchief.
44:07Let me see it.
44:08You've just seen it.
44:09I take this kerchief...
44:10Let me see the jar.
44:11It's just a simple jar.
44:12Open it.
44:14Please, can I get on with the trick?
44:16Seek not to cover my eyes with sheepskin.
44:19The bottom is false.
44:20Oh, no, it isn't.
44:21Oh, yes, it is.
44:22Oh, no, it isn't.
44:24Then open it or be transported to the top of Popocatapetl.
44:28Top of what?
44:29Popocatapetl, an extremely active Mexican volcano.
44:33I'll open it.
44:35I shall now conduct a thorough examination
44:38of this ineffectual, blinking, awful entertainer's conjuring equipment.
44:50From the inside.
44:53Chin-chin!
44:54Shouting!
45:05Shouting!
45:21Gotcha!
45:23Don't be sneaky about it.
45:25How do you know?
45:27You were right.
45:29What about Sir George?
45:31Oh, dear, he can't spend eternity in his underwear.
45:34He can't let old eyeballs out again.
45:36You do understand, don't you, Sir George?
45:38You can't trust him. You said so yourself.
45:41Couldn't we make Saladin promise to release Sir George
45:44in return for his freedom?
45:45Freedom? Can you imagine what he'd do if we let him out again?
45:48He might be grateful if we showed him mercy.
45:50He showed us a lot, didn't he?
45:52Well, we hadn't treated him very well, though, had we?
45:54I mean, look at Sir George.
45:55Oh, I'd rather not. Thank you very much.
45:57Saladin likes Ellie. I'm sure he does.
46:00Come on, let her try.
46:02Oh, no, it's a disaster.
46:08Try, Ellie, try. Try, Ellie.
46:11Saladin, can you hear me?
46:14Saladin!
46:16Sorry.
46:19It's Ellie. Ellie!
46:22Knock if you can hear me.
46:24She's gone crazy.
46:26Now, listen. If we let you out, will you free Sir George?
46:31He's promised. I'm going to let him out.
46:35I put the airline ticket in the thermos.
46:37What? Oh, give me the thermos.
46:39No, no, it's mine. It's mine.
46:45Well done.
46:47Well done.
46:58Many thanks for all kindnesses received.
47:05My dear old jacket.
47:07Thank you. I wonder if you could...
47:10La-la-la-la! My voice!
47:13It's back!
47:15I told you, my voice! They're back! They're back!
47:18All right, all right, now, pay attention.
47:20The happiest of Christmases and the most optimistic of New Years
47:24to you, my dear Ellie.
47:26What's this? A ticket to Baghdad from your father.
47:29Baghdad, that's my hometown, you know. I know it well.
47:32But how did you get it? It was in the jar.
47:35They hid it there. Why did you do that?
47:38Do what? Ask them why they burnt your father's letters.
47:43Is that true? Is what true?
47:46Did you burn Dad's letters? How does she know?
47:49And your letters to him were never sent.
47:52But that's rotten. Really rotten.
47:56How could you? What have I ever done to you?
47:59We needed you. You treated me like a slave.
48:02No more slaves.
48:04Look, Ellie, please don't tell your father. Please!
48:07We'll make sure you catch the plane.
48:09Don't worry, I'll make sure I catch the plane.
48:11And we'll give you anything you need.
48:13Anything? How much have you got?
48:15It is but the work of a few moments,
48:17O friend of spirits, to turn them into worms.
48:20Chin, chin! No, please don't.
48:23I can't believe it.
48:25I'm going home, Saladin.
48:28Truly it is written that home is where the heart is
48:31and all's well that ends well.
48:33And a gin in the hand is worth two in the bottle.
48:42The road's clear and the car's out of the ditch.
48:45I made them walk to the village.
48:47And then he forgot Saladin.
48:49Is he in there again?
48:51He quite likes it. Says it's nice and cool.
48:53I'll let him out when we get to Baghdad.
48:55Where are the others?
48:57We're having Christmas, after all.
48:59They're in there playing Monopoly.
49:01Better not interrupt. George gets a bit angry.
49:03Well, give them my love.
49:08You won't forget me?
49:10No, never.
49:12I won't forget you either.
49:14I can't write, can I?
49:16No, I can't read anyhow.
49:19Well, thanks for everything.
49:22You're welcome.
49:24Goodbye.
49:26Goodbye. Buttons.
49:29Buttons?
49:40Buttons.
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50:40Subs by www.zeoranger.co.uk