The Pope Must Diet (1991)

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  • 3 months ago
A less-than-qualified and far-from-perfect priest is mistakenly named the new pope. As the pontiff, he must deal with Vatican corruption, the Mob and the reappearance of his old lover.

Director
Peter Richardson
Writers
Peter Richardson, Pete Richens
Stars
Robbie Coltrane, Adrian Edmondson, Paul Bartel
*
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Transcript
00:01:00Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:01:27yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:01:54yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
00:02:24Yeah
00:02:31Hey
00:02:51I'm not jessica
00:02:54Hello, Paolo.
00:02:56Hey.
00:02:59So why don't you have a girlfriend?
00:03:02I told you before, Paolo.
00:03:04Because priests aren't allowed to have girlfriends.
00:03:07Why are you a priest, Father Albanese?
00:03:09Because I love God.
00:03:11Pass me that spanner, will you?
00:03:20Good boy.
00:03:22Does he love you?
00:03:24Of course, Paolo. God loves everybody.
00:03:28Wrench, please.
00:03:32Thanks.
00:03:35Now, pay attention, orphans.
00:03:37I have some very sad news for you.
00:03:39At ten past ten this morning,
00:03:41your spiritual father, His Holiness the Pope,
00:03:43he who, based on my reports, decides whether you go to heaven or hell,
00:03:47has himself...
00:03:51to go to hell.
00:03:57Don't rub it out.
00:03:59Don't... Keep the red done.
00:04:03What are you doing, Paolo? You're not...
00:04:05Now!
00:04:07Father Albanese,
00:04:08if you hadn't been so engrossed in that filthy machine of yours,
00:04:12you might have noticed the bell tolling for our late holy father.
00:04:15So, before you take the hymn class,
00:04:18I suggest you get on your knees and pray for his soul.
00:04:42The Pope's dead, and that's the big news story here in Rome today.
00:04:46We're going to see him get buried live on CNN right after these messages.
00:04:51Well, the fact is, Jerry, we're going to have to pull out of Shea Stadium.
00:04:55Ain't you heard the news?
00:04:57No, he's not tired, Jerry. He's dead.
00:05:00Dead, yeah. D-E-A-D.
00:05:04No, we don't have a new Pope yet.
00:05:07No, Jerry, I can't just send someone in a white frock.
00:05:10Yeah, he has to get elected.
00:05:12One moment, please.
00:05:13Well, we have this thing called a conclave.
00:05:15A conclave. It's like the Senate, except...
00:05:17Anyway, take my word for it, Jerry. We're out of this one.
00:05:19Yeah, bye.
00:05:21We found this envelope in the Pope's apartment.
00:05:24It's addressed to you.
00:05:25For me?
00:05:43God bless you, my son.
00:06:13After nearly 25 days of rather warmish weather here in Rome,
00:06:17the College of Cardinals are still locked in the Sistine Chapel.
00:06:21As you can see, the traditional plume of black smoke.
00:06:25It's black. The smoke is black, Harry.
00:06:27It's been black for 25 days. It's still black.
00:06:30There it is. That's it, the black smoke.
00:06:32So who's going to be Pope? It's tense, it's exciting,
00:06:35and we'll find out right after this.
00:06:44This church, ladies and gentlemen,
00:06:47needs a man who not only looks holy,
00:06:51but knows how to smile easily.
00:06:54And it is for that reason that Cardinal Mancini here
00:07:00gets my blessing and my vote.
00:07:04Well, you are too old to vote.
00:07:06In any case, Mancini couldn't run a temperature, let alone the church.
00:07:10Kandinsky's the man we want.
00:07:13Kandinsky? Kandinsky isn't good-looking enough.
00:07:16What do you mean, good-looking? What do I mean, good-looking?
00:07:18What's that got to do with it?
00:07:20Clearly, he's too fat.
00:07:22That's odd. We need a health-conscious Pope.
00:07:24Excuse me, I've got to make a phone call.
00:07:26Well, that's loose.
00:07:29Please refrain from using such language, Cardinal.
00:07:33We'll never choose a new Pope at this rate.
00:07:37That wasn't me!
00:07:39Listen! Mancini was on television twice!
00:07:43In color!
00:07:55Hi, it's me.
00:07:57Yeah, it's all good. I'm fine.
00:07:59I'll be there in a minute.
00:08:02Hi, it's me.
00:08:04Yeah, it's all good. I'm fine.
00:08:06All the candidates stink. There's not one popular choice.
00:08:09I'll give them another day of this slow torture, then I'll hit them with LB.
00:08:13By then, they'll be so stupefied, they'll probably elect a woman.
00:08:16Listen to that.
00:08:21We are in a dire situation.
00:08:24Never before has our conclave disagreed so violently over the choice of a new Pope.
00:08:30We could be here for months at this rate!
00:08:33Does anybody know of a Cardinal who is not here today,
00:08:37but if he had been here today, would have been our certain choice?
00:08:41Now, I ask you, does anyone know of such a man?
00:08:45Yes, there is such a man.
00:08:50A man who speaks 20 languages and keeps cool in a crisis.
00:08:55A beautiful guy.
00:08:57He's 5'10", thick, silvery gray hair.
00:09:01Very photogenic. He's a natural.
00:09:03I mean, this guy was born Pope.
00:09:06And the only reason he's not here today
00:09:09is because at this very moment...
00:09:12Check this out.
00:09:14He's in Africa.
00:09:17Risking his very life
00:09:20by driving a busload of highly contagious
00:09:24young, beautiful black lepers.
00:09:28How about that, huh?
00:09:31From a disease-ridden refugee camp
00:09:35to the safety of Western medical care.
00:09:40And to a tearful reunion with their long-lost mothers.
00:09:45I mean, is this the guy we want out there on the balcony
00:09:49greeting the faithful and fluent Latin?
00:09:53Is this the guy who says,
00:09:55yes, I'm the Pope and no one kicks my church around?
00:09:59Huh?
00:10:01Is this the guy who's gonna fill your empty churches?
00:10:10I think it is.
00:10:16And the man I speak of
00:10:19is none other than Cardinal Albini.
00:10:24And if you vote for him,
00:10:26I'll guarantee you that I'll have him out on that balcony
00:10:29by 5 o'clock tomorrow, Rome time.
00:10:32But what about with the beautiful lepers?
00:10:35Okay, let's take a vote.
00:10:37All those in favor?
00:10:41Great. By unanimous vote,
00:10:43I declare that Cardinal Albini
00:10:46has been elected as Supreme Apostate.
00:10:49CHEERING
00:11:05What's his name?
00:11:07Albini.
00:11:09What?
00:11:10Albini.
00:11:12Is that with an I or an E?
00:11:14I.
00:11:15What's that?
00:11:17I said I.
00:11:19Gotcha. I said I.
00:11:21Albinizi.
00:11:46They've done it.
00:11:48It's an outsider.
00:11:49That'll please the bookies.
00:11:51What?
00:11:52Albinizi? Who the hell's that?
00:11:54Lunch on Tuesday will be fine.
00:11:56Whatever.
00:11:57No, I'm not a vegetarian.
00:11:59Prepare a draft statement.
00:12:01The press are going to want photographs.
00:12:03Check on the travel arrangements.
00:12:05Contact the tailors.
00:12:07The first thing we're going to have to do
00:12:09is contact Albinizi, wherever he is.
00:12:11He's in Africa.
00:12:13Rocco, what's going on?
00:12:15The new Pope is in Africa?
00:12:17I get a signature.
00:12:18When I get a signature, you've got a deal.
00:12:20What's he doing in Africa?
00:12:22He's just a priest.
00:12:23What?
00:12:24Don't worry. He knows the procedure.
00:12:26Who's going to find out?
00:12:28Trust me. Everything will be fine.
00:12:30Just go through the motion. I'll see you later.
00:12:35There's no Cardinal Albinizi.
00:12:37What?
00:12:39Look in the priest section.
00:12:41Maybe he got lost there by mistake.
00:12:47Albatuni, Albatudi, Albaloni, Albonazi...
00:12:50Albanizi.
00:12:52Albanizi, CD, Villa Doma.
00:12:55Monastery of the Sacred Heart?
00:12:57Well, there you are. C for Cardinal.
00:12:59That's him. That's the new Pope.
00:13:41Father Albinizi, I have never witnessed
00:13:44such barbaric, pagan behaviour in all my life.
00:13:48We were just having some fun, Mother.
00:13:50Fun? That wasn't fun.
00:13:52That was disgusting.
00:13:54Your blatant attitude, Father,
00:13:56only confirms your blatant disrespect for our holy order.
00:13:59I'm informing the abbot that we have no further need of your services here.
00:14:05Mother. Mother. Mother, please, please, please.
00:14:08I'm sorry. I was just trying to get them into music
00:14:10so that they would enjoy their hymns more.
00:14:12They're not supposed to enjoy their hymns.
00:14:15Mother, these children have got no-one to look after them but me.
00:14:19And you, of course.
00:14:21I love these children as if they were my own.
00:14:24They'll soon forget you. I'll see to that.
00:14:27And I've already found your replacement.
00:14:32Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:14:41PHONE RINGS
00:14:44Answer that phone!
00:14:49Why does nobody ever answer a phone when there's...
00:14:54PHONE RINGS
00:14:56Yes? I'm in for the door. 3921.
00:14:59What? The Vatican?
00:15:02Yes, I'm the abbot.
00:15:04Abbot Nixon? No, he's not here, thank God.
00:15:08He's in some orphanage down south.
00:15:10I'm going to defrock him.
00:15:30Why must they be so serious?
00:15:33Why can't they be devout and enjoy themselves?
00:15:38Maybe I should go back to being a mechanic. I was good at that.
00:15:42Well, I was never very hot with automatic transmissions,
00:15:45but give me a straight six and I...
00:15:49Where are you going, Father?
00:15:51Um, I have to go away for a while.
00:15:54We want to come with you.
00:15:56We can't. Not this time.
00:15:58Why not?
00:16:00Because I've got a better job, a bigger orphanage,
00:16:03lighter kids, more money.
00:16:05Please don't make this harder for me.
00:16:18Why don't you adopt us?
00:16:20Then we could come with you.
00:16:22I'd love to, but I can't. You see, I'm a priest and I'm not married.
00:16:26I'll marry you.
00:16:32Have an easy!
00:16:35Don't go, Father.
00:16:37Have an easy!
00:16:39Are you going to send me off with a nice smile and a wave?
00:16:43Have an easy!
00:16:47I'll write to you.
00:17:05I'll write to you.
00:17:27Hello, Brother Joseph.
00:17:35Oh, hello, brothers.
00:18:05Have an easy!
00:18:25Have an easy!
00:18:27Get in here. I've got some very disturbing news.
00:18:35I'm terribly sorry about all the trouble.
00:18:38I never realised it, just by singing Speedy Gonzales.
00:18:41It's a lovely song.
00:18:43Shut up, have an easy!
00:18:45The Mother Superior was furious.
00:18:47She said he'd been acting sexy.
00:18:49What?
00:18:51You'd better read this.
00:18:57There's obviously been some terrible mistake.
00:19:00I pray that should be so.
00:19:02But unfortunately it's true.
00:19:04But I'm only a priest, I'm not even a...
00:19:06Turn this over.
00:19:08You're not much of a priest either.
00:19:10However, it's not for me to enquire
00:19:12by what strange stirring of the Holy Spirit
00:19:14the conclave saw fit to elect you Pope.
00:19:17I don't know what's happening to the church any more.
00:19:20Birth control, women, priests.
00:19:26And now you.
00:19:35DOOR CREAKS
00:19:53I love the Catholic Church, Albinizzi.
00:19:56And if anything happens to it,
00:19:59I'll come looking for you.
00:20:02Well, I'm really sorry about the vase.
00:20:04Get out.
00:20:07SCREAMS
00:20:10Just get out of here!
00:20:12Get out!
00:20:18What can we say about this new Pope?
00:20:21Well, he's called Albinizzi.
00:20:23He's young, he was the unanimous choice of the conclave,
00:20:26and we're told he'll be on that balcony in just a few hours.
00:20:33DRAMATIC MUSIC
00:20:57Let the friends of our friends prosper,
00:21:00and let the beating hearts of our enemies be torn from their bodies.
00:21:04Amen.
00:21:06We got here as fast as we could,
00:21:08but the traffic around the Vatican was a bitch.
00:21:10Pray silence for the exalted Grand Master Vittorio Coralli.
00:21:14APPLAUSE
00:21:22Naturally, the first thing I want to know is
00:21:26why our trusted silver-haired friend, Father Albini,
00:21:31is not at this moment cultivating our long-term business relationship
00:21:36by resting his arse on the Vatican throne.
00:21:39How could such a thing happen?
00:21:41Who is responsible for this?
00:21:45What's he saying?
00:21:47He says to raise your hand.
00:21:51DRAMATIC MUSIC
00:21:56MUSIC CONTINUES
00:22:27ENGINE REVS
00:22:29For years, we have enjoyed
00:22:31the most happy business relationship with the Vatican,
00:22:34because what is good for us is good for them,
00:22:37and is good for Italy,
00:22:39and is good for us again.
00:22:45Is it thus possible
00:22:47that one deaf priest
00:22:50with a flat battery...
00:22:53..can jeopardise all we have achieved?
00:22:58It begs many questions.
00:23:00How can we be sure that this simple priest from Villa Dorma,
00:23:04whose signature we'll need for various documents,
00:23:07will not concern himself, for instance,
00:23:09with the delicate affairs of our friends from South America?
00:23:13How can we be certain that this country
00:23:16will not suffer the consequences
00:23:19How can we be certain
00:23:21that this country bumpkin
00:23:23will not poke his nose into our own dear Vatican bank,
00:23:27which we all know is in big shit trouble, Malvini?
00:23:31Perhaps we should politely ask
00:23:34our honourable friends from the Vatican
00:23:37what they intend to do
00:23:39with this holy fuck-up!
00:23:42First off, I'm really sorry you didn't get the papacy, pal.
00:23:46I mean, you heard my speech for ten minutes there.
00:23:48You were the second coming.
00:23:50What else can I say except that it really makes no difference,
00:23:54except for him.
00:23:56And I can assure you, Grand Master,
00:23:58that this pontiff
00:24:00will be taken care of.
00:24:07Hello.
00:24:10Hello.
00:24:12Winnie?
00:24:14Hello.
00:24:16Great colour.
00:24:18Sorry if I kept you at all.
00:24:20You were surprised.
00:24:22There's a bit of a turnout in it.
00:24:25Hello. Hello.
00:24:27Do they always have to kneel?
00:24:29You can have them kneel or not, just as you please.
00:24:32It's optional.
00:24:34The last pope liked to have them kneel.
00:24:40CHOIR SINGS
00:24:58This is the papal bedroom, Your Holiness.
00:25:01And this, as you can see,
00:25:03is the centrepiece of the entire room,
00:25:05the papal bed
00:25:07where many great men have died.
00:25:09Sheets are changed Tuesdays and Fridays.
00:25:12You want me to sleep here?
00:25:14I assure you it's the best suite in the Vatican.
00:25:16Oh, I'm sure. I didn't mean...
00:25:18Right. Bedside stuff here.
00:25:20These are the alarm buttons.
00:25:22Touch one of these and we come running.
00:25:25If you want additional pillows, they're in here.
00:25:28Now, this...
00:25:31is the en suite bathroom,
00:25:34with bath and shower.
00:25:36And believe me, in this job you're going to need both.
00:25:41This is the papal study, with your own private chapel, of course.
00:25:45Very nice and quiet, in case you should want to pray.
00:25:50On the other hand, if you want entertainment,
00:25:53I think you'll find it's all here.
00:25:57Now, over here we have...
00:26:00the en suite fridge and bar.
00:26:03Well...
00:26:05I want you to be completely relaxed and comfortable at all times.
00:26:08That's very kind.
00:26:10Well, what's out here?
00:26:17I really do have to speak to somebody who's in charge.
00:26:20That's you. Talk all you want. I'll be right out here.
00:26:23No, Father, I don't even know if you're the right guy to be talking to,
00:26:26but I've been told that the conclave elected me pope,
00:26:29and it's the will of God and so on,
00:26:31so obviously there's been a terrible mistake.
00:26:33There's been no mistake. You are the supreme pontiff.
00:26:37Now, is there anything else before the coronation?
00:26:40Could I have something to eat?
00:26:42You get fed when you're crowned.
00:26:44Now, why don't you unpack, and I'll see you in chapel in 20 minutes.
00:27:01Come on.
00:27:28You're the wrong guy.
00:27:30They all say that.
00:27:56Sorry!
00:28:01Congratulations! It's great what you did in Africa!
00:28:04I'm hungry. I'm such a hungry man.
00:28:06What a great day this is. You must be on cloud nine.
00:28:09Africa! I've never been there!
00:28:11I don't know what you're talking about. I understand. I understand.
00:28:14Please, don't listen to my father. It's the way it ought to be.
00:28:17Good morning, you two.
00:28:19Cardinal Verucci, head of marketing.
00:28:21Let me tell you, Papa, it's going to be a great year for the Catholic Church!
00:28:31Hello, Rome Express?
00:28:33Newsdesk.
00:28:34I want to talk to Carlo Felici.
00:28:36Yes, speaking.
00:28:37Hi, my name's Baggio. Baggio.
00:28:39Yes.
00:28:40I work at the Vatican Bank, and I'm prepared to tell you what's going on here.
00:28:44Well, what is?
00:28:45Yeah, I'll give you the dirt on everyone, especially that slimy bastard Corelli.
00:28:50Well, what do you want?
00:28:51But I want a lot of money.
00:28:53Right, meet me, Piazza Berini, five o'clock.
00:28:55Where?
00:28:56Piazza Berini.
00:28:57Piazza Berini at five o'clock?
00:28:58Yes, that's right.
00:29:00I want him to know it was me who killed him.
00:29:02Yes, Mr. Corelli.
00:29:04I don't want him to die thinking it was just bad luck or an accident.
00:29:09Now, this is just a selection of some of our most recent killings.
00:29:13Hmm.
00:29:15Yeah.
00:29:17This client wanted to make a personal statement.
00:29:20Yes, it has to be personal.
00:29:23I'm not sure about the sausages.
00:29:26No.
00:29:28No.
00:29:31Oh, how about this one?
00:29:32This is an old favorite.
00:29:34Oh, that's nice.
00:29:36Excuse me.
00:29:49You play beautifully, Lucia.
00:29:52I play these just for you, Papa.
00:29:55That's good.
00:29:57Where were you last night?
00:29:59You weren't seeing some silly boy, were you?
00:30:01No, Papa.
00:30:03I'm not seeing any boys.
00:30:05That's good.
00:30:07I just love you, Papa.
00:30:22Communion wafers.
00:30:25Mmm. Mmm.
00:30:27Oh. Mmm.
00:30:34Mmm.
00:30:42Corelli.
00:30:55My kids are always on time when I make spaghetti with chocolate.
00:30:59Hey, kids! Come here!
00:31:01Yay!
00:31:11They want more spaghetti with chocolate!
00:31:24Mmm.
00:31:30Dear children,
00:31:33this is my first day in the Vatican.
00:31:44It is a huge place.
00:31:50There are 620 rooms.
00:31:56My room is marked with a cross.
00:32:04Now, which room is it?
00:32:07The only one with a balcony.
00:32:11Ha-ha.
00:32:20Ahem.
00:32:24I am proud
00:32:27to be with
00:32:30so many good and holy men.
00:32:51Open your mouth.
00:32:54Okay, now get the picture.
00:32:57Uh-uh. No.
00:32:59Mo-Mo-Closer. Mo-Mo-Closer.
00:33:02Uh-uh. No. No.
00:33:04Now put me in it, you dumb fuck!
00:33:06Shut the shit up.
00:33:11Ah!
00:33:13Ah!
00:33:15Ah!
00:33:17Ah!
00:33:20Ah!
00:33:29Tell Lucia to hurry up.
00:33:31She mustn't keep my guests waiting.
00:33:33Yes, sir.
00:33:50Lucia?
00:33:55Lucia?
00:33:57Vittorio!
00:34:00Hi.
00:34:01Maestro, darling, this is the birthday of the year.
00:34:04You know, I can't believe that Lucia is already 18.
00:34:07How fast they grow up.
00:34:09Soon she'll be having boyfriends, then getting married.
00:34:12Lucia is not interested in boys.
00:34:15Of course not.
00:34:20APPLAUSE
00:34:26Alberto, where is my little birthday girl?
00:34:32Happy birthday, Lucia.
00:34:40Come on, Joe, we're on.
00:34:42What's going on? I can't play right if my babe's not here.
00:34:45I'm not your baby, Joe.
00:34:47What are you talking about? Of course you are.
00:34:50So, who's this?
00:34:52I found it in your shed pockets.
00:34:55That's my mum.
00:34:57Oh, very cute.
00:34:59It is. I don't see her very much.
00:35:01That's why I like to keep a picture of her.
00:35:04Oh. Oh, come on.
00:35:06You're the only one for me, Lucia.
00:35:08Mm, special.
00:35:10Wait here. I'll be right back.
00:35:12Then we'll have a right old rave.
00:35:18MUSIC STOPS
00:35:31Ha-ha-ha!
00:35:33Yeah, go for it!
00:35:36Ha-ha!
00:35:43Hi, Papa.
00:35:45This is Joe D'Andanza.
00:35:47And this is Ozaban.
00:35:50How do you do?
00:35:52Where's the party, pops?
00:35:54Got any more daughters?
00:35:56How about three? Older than that.
00:35:58Oh, Papa.
00:36:00Don't be cross.
00:36:02Just go upstairs, Lucia.
00:36:04Yes, Papa.
00:36:08Night-night, boys.
00:36:10Sweet dreams, Lucia.
00:36:13Good night, gentlemen.
00:36:15What? No party?
00:36:17No party.
00:36:22Big problem.
00:36:24Lucia!
00:36:26I want you to have my baby.
00:36:33What was that?
00:36:35Here's a pop star.
00:36:38Kill him.
00:36:40Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
00:36:42Work that fat until it's gone
00:36:44Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
00:36:46OK, everyone. You've seen how it's done.
00:36:48Now I want us all to try it together.
00:36:50Yes, that includes you, brother.
00:36:52I want to see you out of those chairs.
00:36:54And Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
00:36:56Work that fat until it's gone
00:36:58Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
00:37:00Work that fat until it's gone
00:37:02Going down...
00:37:04And stretch.
00:37:06And stretch right over.
00:37:08And stretch.
00:37:10And stretch.
00:37:12Going down and stretch.
00:37:14Very nice. And stretch.
00:37:16Oh, that's wonderful.
00:37:18And kick. Let's kick. Let's kick.
00:37:20Kick. Kick our legs to heaven.
00:37:22And pain and...
00:37:24Listen, can you call Captain Bruno
00:37:26and tell him we need to close the Via Corsa
00:37:28for a while longer?
00:37:30Pleased to meet you, Johannes.
00:37:32My name's Carla Mitchell. Please call me Bish.
00:37:34Well, how do you do, Bish?
00:37:36No mobile security. Unfortunately, I'm embarrassed
00:37:38to say we're not so mobile right now.
00:37:40Oh, dear. Who seems to be the trouble?
00:37:42It's just this mechanical fault.
00:37:44I used to have one of those.
00:37:46What was your first reaction
00:37:48on being elected Pope?
00:37:50Well, I told them they'd been a terrible mistake.
00:37:56What do you think of birth control?
00:37:58Well, I think it's a very good thing, really.
00:38:02What about woman priests?
00:38:04His Holiness is still seeking guidance
00:38:06in these matters.
00:38:08Next question.
00:38:10Carlo Felici, Rome Express.
00:38:12What are you going to do
00:38:14about the corruption in the Vatican Bank?
00:38:16Corruption?
00:38:18What corruption would that be?
00:38:20Thank you very much. That will be all for today.
00:38:22What's your price, Papa?
00:38:24What about Chile?
00:38:26What about Bolivia?
00:38:28What's Corelli paying you?
00:38:30What's all that stuff about corruption?
00:38:32Oh, just more communist student nonsense, Papa.
00:38:34They'll do anything to sell their crummy rag.
00:38:36Don't you worry. You said exactly the right thing.
00:38:38I didn't say anything.
00:38:40Well, that's good that you didn't say anything.
00:38:42You are the Pope.
00:38:44You don't want to get involved in any of that stuff.
00:38:46Right, now, 2.45.
00:38:48You've got to canonize a missionary, take mass...
00:38:56Just relax and enjoy it.
00:38:58I know it's a bit scary the first time,
00:39:00but you'll soon get used to crowds like this.
00:39:02Do you?
00:39:06I used to be a road manager with the sex pistols.
00:39:08This is before I was a priest, of course.
00:39:10Uh-huh.
00:39:12You should have been in Texas. That was dangerous.
00:39:14I can imagine.
00:39:16This is nice.
00:39:18It's your home crowd. They love you.
00:39:20No problem.
00:39:22Oh, my God! There's a man pointing a gun at me!
00:39:24Somebody's trying to kill me!
00:39:26Let me out!
00:39:28Let me out!
00:39:30I'm not the real Pope!
00:39:32It's a mistake!
00:39:36This is silly. This isn't funny.
00:39:38I'm a holy man. I believe in God.
00:39:40But this is it, really.
00:39:42I didn't want to be Pope. Did I ask to be Pope?
00:39:44I don't think so.
00:39:46So I'm going.
00:39:48Look out your window, and I'll be gone.
00:39:50I'm sorry. That's it.
00:39:52You're leaving us? So soon?
00:39:54Yes. Pope for a day.
00:39:56It was terrific.
00:39:58Thrill of a lifetime, but not for this boy.
00:40:00It's thank you, Ave Maria,
00:40:02and good night.
00:40:04You think God made a mistake
00:40:06choosing you?
00:40:08God, the postman, somebody.
00:40:10You know,
00:40:12as a Pope,
00:40:14you have power to do so much good.
00:40:16There are so many people
00:40:18you could help.
00:40:20Like who?
00:40:22Ah, here's one.
00:40:24Dear Pope, this is your lucky day.
00:40:26You could already have won
00:40:28$6,000 tax-free.
00:40:34Aha!
00:40:36Dear Papa, seek and the reward
00:40:38shall be thine. That's our motto,
00:40:40and could be yours, too, if you invest
00:40:42in our new holiday chalet complex near Torino.
00:40:44What do you think? Should we invest?
00:40:48Dear Papa, our mission here
00:40:50is swamped by hundreds of discarded children,
00:40:52many of whom will
00:40:54die. Since we only have
00:40:56facilities for 50,
00:40:58I believe all these children could be saved
00:41:00if only the government would do something to help.
00:41:02But no one seems to care.
00:41:04Please help us, Papa.
00:41:06Yours, Sister Margarita San Paolo Mission.
00:41:08What do you want to do?
00:41:10Put them up here?
00:41:14Well, um,
00:41:16I thought I should send
00:41:18a sister some money. That's the kind of thing I can do as Pope,
00:41:20isn't it? Papa, we're the church.
00:41:22We collect money.
00:41:24We don't give it out. Would you mind
00:41:26signing this?
00:41:28There's nothing on it. It's blank.
00:41:30That's all right. We'll take care of the rest.
00:41:32Is that a fact?
00:41:34Well, I think it's time I spoke
00:41:36to whoever was in charge of all this money.
00:41:38Papa!
00:41:40How are you?
00:41:42You look terrific. God, you're the best
00:41:44Pope we've ever had.
00:41:46Rome is all yours.
00:41:48You got everything you want?
00:41:50So, how about this place?
00:41:52Pretty mind-blowing, isn't it?
00:41:54I take it you're in charge of the Vatican finances.
00:41:56Somebody's got to do it.
00:41:58So, what sort of state
00:42:00are the church's finances in?
00:42:04Who wants to know?
00:42:06Well, I do.
00:42:08Oh, it's enough.
00:42:10I mean, we've got...
00:42:12Excuse me, Papa.
00:42:14Yeah, we move out at 11.45.
00:42:16What do I, stutter?
00:42:18Yes. Papa,
00:42:20do you mind wearing the blue shoes instead of the red?
00:42:22It's for TV purposes. Something about the blue and the red.
00:42:24Loves the blue.
00:42:26Great taste.
00:42:28Yeah, bye.
00:42:30Excuse me, Papa. Where were we?
00:42:32Oh, yeah, the Vatican millions.
00:42:34What did you want to do with them?
00:42:36Ah. Well,
00:42:38as we both know, Cardinal,
00:42:40there are a lot of people in the world
00:42:42who are going hungry.
00:42:44I'm talking specifically about starving children.
00:42:46Oh, yeah.
00:42:48Whereas we live
00:42:50in some splendor.
00:42:52Yeah.
00:42:54Well, I'd like to start off my papacy
00:42:56on a very positive note
00:42:58by taking all these riches
00:43:00and giving them to the poor.
00:43:04What a great idea.
00:43:06Why didn't I think of that?
00:43:08Which rather brings us
00:43:10to the subject of money.
00:43:12Money? We're talking cash?
00:43:14Yes. I'd like to set up a special cash fund,
00:43:16a orphan relief fund,
00:43:18which I will personally take care of.
00:43:22How much do you want?
00:43:24Well, how much can the church afford?
00:43:30Excuse us a moment, Papa.
00:43:40Better we have him on the inside, pissing out.
00:43:46Papa, your idea
00:43:48about giving all our money to the poor
00:43:50is a great Christian notion.
00:43:52Fabulous.
00:43:54But in the meantime,
00:43:56let us not forget that charity begins at home.
00:44:02$100,000.
00:44:04U.S.
00:44:06$100,000.
00:44:08$100,000.
00:44:10U.S.
00:44:12Well, thank you very much.
00:44:16Monsignor Vici,
00:44:18will you send this money to the good sister
00:44:20with my blessing?
00:44:26Oh, just one more thing.
00:44:28I'd like to see all the accounts, please.
00:44:32It's all your fault, Rocco.
00:44:34You assured me you could keep this simple priest
00:44:36under control.
00:44:38How was I to know he's into bookkeeping?
00:44:40So what are you going to do?
00:44:42Don't worry. I did the books up like the Rosetta Stone
00:44:44the day Pope Pius died.
00:44:46In the meantime, we must take precautions.
00:44:48You better close that deal with the general
00:44:50before he leaves.
00:44:52Listen, we can't have all that stuff in the Vatican.
00:44:54I'm a priest. I'm a cardinal, for Christ's sakes.
00:44:56It's already in the Vatican.
00:44:58You just get it out.
00:45:00I should have stuck to golf.
00:45:02I could have been a pro.
00:45:06Hey, honey, you want to meet the Pope?
00:45:08I love it.
00:45:10Rocco, listen, we're in serious trouble.
00:45:12I can't shift any more reserves
00:45:14through Panama.
00:45:16Aldo, relax.
00:45:18The Pope is setting up an orphan relief fund.
00:45:20We'll shift everything through that.
00:45:24Candles, various.
00:45:26Candles, various.
00:45:28$325,000.
00:45:32Floor polish.
00:45:34April.
00:45:36$5,422.
00:45:40Working late, Papa?
00:45:42Oh, hello, Bish.
00:45:44How are you getting on?
00:45:46Well, just trying to familiarize myself
00:45:48with everything, you know.
00:45:50You must be the first Pope to look at these books.
00:45:52I wouldn't be at all surprised.
00:45:54It might have taken you about three weeks to look through them.
00:45:56You know, Papa, you could save yourself a lot of time
00:45:58if you looked at these.
00:46:12This is the real cash flow.
00:46:18As you can see, it flows mostly out.
00:46:20What?
00:46:22Oh, that's nothing.
00:46:26Who is this Corelli?
00:46:36I'm staying with Carlotta.
00:46:38She's asked me to go riding with her.
00:46:40Carlotta?
00:46:42Oh, yes, yes, yes.
00:46:44A nice girl.
00:46:46Lucia,
00:46:48you must promise me
00:46:50to keep away from that pop star.
00:46:52Yes, Papa.
00:46:54I promise.
00:47:18Did you get the fish?
00:47:20Yeah.
00:47:22What fish did you get?
00:47:24Blue fish.
00:47:26Oh, they're really nice.
00:47:28It's a shame to waste them.
00:47:30What, the group?
00:47:32No, the fish.
00:47:38Joe.
00:47:40Joe, buzz you out of here, man.
00:47:44Phil.
00:47:46What's it doing?
00:47:48Oh, it's a fish with a note on it.
00:47:50Oh, what's it say?
00:47:52Uh, it's from your dad.
00:48:12My name's Veronica Dante.
00:48:14I've just been told my son's been blown up.
00:48:16Well, we haven't identified the bodies yet.
00:48:18What's his name?
00:48:20Joe Don Dante.
00:48:24Joe Don Dante.
00:48:26Well, you're lucky.
00:48:28He's the only one who survived.
00:48:30He's on intensive care through there.
00:48:32Yeah.
00:48:44Misery
00:48:48In the middle
00:48:50Of the night
00:48:54Do you know how many pups have been strangled,
00:48:56poisoned, or stabbed since the Romans hung St. Peter by his feet?
00:48:58You mean this century?
00:49:00What I'm trying to say, Papa, is you can't do this thing on your own.
00:49:02Oh, really? Whose side are you on?
00:49:04You're not John Wayne, you're the Pope.
00:49:06Knock, knock.
00:49:10What are you looking for?
00:49:12No evidence there, I think.
00:49:14Okay, General, this is the deal.
00:49:16In return for the Vatican propping up your government
00:49:18for another six months,
00:49:20you buy all this stuff through orphan relief.
00:49:42My death squads are still bitching
00:49:44about the last batch you sent us.
00:49:46Oh, really? What's their beef?
00:49:48They say the Corelli stuff is killing more of them
00:49:50than the dissidents.
00:49:52Listen, you got monkeys operating that shit.
00:49:54Of course they're gonna fuck up.
00:49:56There's nothing wrong with the gear.
00:49:58Check it out. Rookie.
00:50:00What?
00:50:02Shoot it!
00:50:06For God's sake.
00:50:12Duck.
00:50:14What? Duck!
00:50:20There.
00:50:22Now, listen, I got mass in two minutes.
00:50:24We got a deal to win. Rocco!
00:50:26Will you shut the hell up?
00:50:28Come on, General. Let's close this deal, huh,
00:50:30so I can take this up to... No, it's okay.
00:50:32And I can take this up to Dopey Popey upstairs
00:50:34and he can sign the fucker thing.
00:50:36That is, if he can sign his own name.
00:50:38You know, P.D.1.
00:50:40I tell you, this guy...
00:50:42We've had some prized turkeys on the throne before,
00:50:44but this guy is something special.
00:50:46Rocco.
00:50:48He doesn't know shit from China.
00:50:54Oh.
00:50:56Hello, Papa.
00:50:58How you feeling?
00:51:00Nice of you to drop in like this.
00:51:02Oh, meet the guys on the mission.
00:51:04So, uh, what can I do for you, Papa?
00:51:06You're fired, Rocco.
00:51:08Defrocked, excommunicated.
00:51:10Call it what you like. You're out.
00:51:12Do you know who I am?
00:51:14I'm Cardinal Rocco.
00:51:16You're lucky you're being fed here.
00:51:26I'm on the street.
00:51:28I've got no place to live.
00:51:30I got no money. No money?
00:51:32What about all that money you took from the Orphan Relief Fund?
00:51:34Blackjack.
00:51:36Oh, Sergio Wright.
00:51:38Stealing arms in the Vatican.
00:51:40Oh, get smart with me, Vici.
00:51:42He'll be all over your ass next.
00:51:44Hmm.
00:51:46Hmm.
00:51:48Maybe we should try
00:51:50and get something on his holiness.
00:51:52There must be something murky in his past.
00:51:54Oh, sure. Maybe he was a serial killer
00:51:56before he became pope.
00:51:58Everybody's done something, Rocco.
00:52:00Nobody's 100% virgin wool.
00:52:06I really need your help, Lord.
00:52:08A quarter of the population of the world,
00:52:10they're looking to me for leadership.
00:52:12And I can't betray them.
00:52:14If I carry on with this thing,
00:52:16it could bring the church down.
00:52:18And yet, if I just do nothing,
00:52:20obviously the corruption's just gonna get worse.
00:52:22We both know that.
00:52:24So I know I shouldn't ask this,
00:52:26but I really need a sign.
00:52:28Veronica?
00:52:30Hi, Dave.
00:52:32I can't believe you're the pope.
00:52:34I can't believe that you're a nun.
00:52:36Well, not really. I just...
00:52:38It was the only way I could see you, and...
00:52:40Ah.
00:52:42I'm sorry.
00:52:44I'm sorry.
00:52:46I'm sorry.
00:52:48I'm sorry.
00:52:50I'm sorry.
00:52:52I'm sorry.
00:52:54I'm sorry.
00:52:56It was the only way I could see you, and...
00:53:00Could we go someplace more private?
00:53:26Somebody...
00:53:28killed my daughter.
00:53:32That's terrible news, Mr. Carelli.
00:53:34I'm so sorry.
00:53:36It wasn't our fault, Mr. Carelli.
00:53:38It was all an accident.
00:53:40Who could have done such a thing, Mr. Carelli?
00:53:42That pop singer, I want it out of the way.
00:53:44I heard that my daughter was...
00:53:46It's a different pop group.
00:53:48Different barmen.
00:53:50I want you to find these men,
00:53:52and when you've found them,
00:53:54kill them,
00:53:56and then I want you to...
00:53:58to cut out their bleeding hearts
00:54:00and bring them to me.
00:54:04On this place?
00:54:06Yes.
00:54:08Well, that may not be very easy, Mr. Carelli,
00:54:10you know, because if you rush things,
00:54:12you end up killing innocent bystanders.
00:54:14Yes, like we did the last time.
00:54:16Listen, you kill as many
00:54:18innocent bystanders as you like.
00:54:20Just get me my daughter's killers.
00:54:22I want their hearts.
00:54:24Yes, Mr. Carelli.
00:54:26On that plate, I said!
00:54:36So...
00:54:38this is the papal apartment,
00:54:40obviously.
00:54:52Wow.
00:54:54What a great bed.
00:54:56Yes, the sheets are changed in Tuesdays and Fridays.
00:54:58So how come
00:55:00the Pope needs such a big bed?
00:55:22Who's she?
00:55:24Oh, that's my...
00:55:26nun. She's an absolute angel.
00:55:30I'm sure she is.
00:55:32Do you...
00:55:34do you mind if I take this off?
00:55:38It's awfully hot in Rome,
00:55:40isn't it?
00:55:42Yes.
00:55:50Well,
00:55:52you've done really well for yourself.
00:55:54Winning the Pope thing.
00:55:56All that.
00:55:58So, um...
00:56:02is this what you've always wanted?
00:56:04Well, no. It was a mistake, really.
00:56:06I figured that.
00:56:12Well...
00:56:16So what did you do when you left Rome?
00:56:22This is a fabulous
00:56:24bathroom. Do you mind
00:56:26if I take a shower?
00:56:28My water's off.
00:56:30Holy water, right?
00:56:32Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:56:34Just kidding.
00:56:36Well, help yourself.
00:56:42Thank you.
00:56:56So what happened to you?
00:56:58Did you ever marry?
00:57:00No.
00:57:02Oh.
00:57:04So you don't have any kids, then?
00:57:06No.
00:57:08One.
00:57:10Oh. How come you never married
00:57:12the guy who was the father of the child?
00:57:14Or did you not want it that way?
00:57:16No, not really. He, um...
00:57:18He had to go someplace.
00:57:20Ah.
00:57:22So what did you have?
00:57:24A boy or a girl?
00:57:30A boy.
00:57:32Oh.
00:57:36An angel.
00:57:38Oh.
00:57:42He was yours.
00:57:48So why didn't you
00:57:50tell me you were pregnant?
00:57:52Well, I didn't think he was. He knocked on the monastery
00:57:54door with my belly out to hear, saying,
00:57:56you're gonna be a father.
00:57:58Don't go out there. They'll roar at you.
00:58:00But you know
00:58:02how I felt about you. I asked you to marry me, for goodness'
00:58:04sake.
00:58:06I was only
00:58:0818. What do you expect?
00:58:10I was just a child
00:58:12myself. Still take six lumps.
00:58:14Yeah.
00:58:16Anyway, you always said
00:58:18you wanted to be a priest. Well, I did.
00:58:20But I wanted you more.
00:58:22They were the happiest days of my life, you know.
00:58:24And then when you went away,
00:58:26I just took my vows.
00:58:30Well,
00:58:32you're the Pope now.
00:58:34Guess you were right.
00:58:36Yeah.
00:58:38It's a great outfit.
00:58:40Just a little something I had run out.
00:58:46What is it?
00:58:48What is it?
00:58:50Um...
00:58:52It's Joe. What?
00:58:54He's in the
00:58:56hospital.
00:58:58They, um...
00:59:00They think he's
00:59:02gonna die.
00:59:24What are the hearts?
00:59:28Well, he didn't have one, Mr. Corelli.
00:59:30So...
00:59:32we made them into a pie.
00:59:36Which pie killed
00:59:38my daughter?
00:59:42This one.
00:59:44Yeah, and this one drove the car.
00:59:46That's right.
00:59:48You gonna eat them?
00:59:54I'll start with the driver.
01:00:00Oh, shit.
01:00:06You know, you look
01:00:08a lot like the Pope. Really?
01:00:10Did anyone ever tell you that?
01:00:12No.
01:00:14Oh, God.
01:00:20I'll see you.
01:00:28Dad,
01:00:30is this the way?
01:00:32Get out of my way!
01:00:34In the name of the Father,
01:00:36and of the Son,
01:00:38and of the Holy Ghost.
01:00:40Oh, God.
01:00:44I love you, man.
01:01:14This is our
01:01:16standard rate of interest, Father.
01:01:18Excuse me, but I was told
01:01:20that the interest was
01:01:228.5% a month.
01:01:24And because of this,
01:01:26you are only giving me
01:01:286%.
01:01:30I must get this money to paid insurance
01:01:32by 5 o'clock.
01:01:34Can't you make an exception?
01:01:36I'm sorry, sir.
01:01:38The check won't have been cleared
01:01:40until 6.
01:01:42But it's my money.
01:01:44I must have it before you close.
01:01:46The bank is closed.
01:01:48Fairness finished.
01:01:50Venito, out.
01:01:52Come on.
01:01:54Get out of here.
01:01:56Shift it.
01:01:58Come on, hurry up.
01:02:00What the hell's going on?
01:02:02Get the police.
01:02:04I don't care who it is. Get out.
01:02:06I'm with it.
01:02:08Close. Close. Close.
01:02:10Get down.
01:02:12Close. Close.
01:02:14Get out.
01:02:16What are you doing to my bank?
01:02:18This is the church's bank. In the name of our Lord,
01:02:20I'm closing you down.
01:02:22Lock the bank doors.
01:02:24I can't do that, sir.
01:02:26Are you a Catholic?
01:02:28Yes, sir.
01:02:30Then lock the doors.
01:02:32Now, hold on a moment.
01:02:34Now, I'm sure you've got a good reason
01:02:36for feeling the way you do, Your Holiness.
01:02:38But I've got to tell you something.
01:02:40I am head of security in this building.
01:02:42And as long as I wear this uniform,
01:02:44this bank stays open.
01:02:46Well, my friend,
01:02:48you have a few precious moments
01:02:50to choose between your job and Christ Almighty.
01:02:52Because as long as you wear that uniform
01:02:54in this bank, you are siding with Satan.
01:02:56Excuse me, Your Holiness.
01:02:58Make no mistake about it, my friend.
01:03:00You are standing with your feet on the edge of an abyss
01:03:02that separates our Saviour
01:03:04from eternal damnation.
01:03:06I've got this money. I'm depositing it.
01:03:08Disregard these words, and you will be wearing your smart uniform in hell.
01:03:10Your outlasting spirit will suffer the torment
01:03:12of perpetual pain in the fiery depths
01:03:14of a bottomless pit.
01:03:16And if you ever want to see your dear loved ones
01:03:18up there with the ranks of the righteous,
01:03:20won't they take a jack?
01:03:22No!
01:03:24Give this man his money.
01:03:26That's the end of it.
01:03:28It's closed,
01:03:30isn't it?
01:03:36Lock the doors.
01:03:42So why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?
01:03:44Well, I didn't think you wanted me
01:03:46knocking on the monastery door
01:03:48with my belly out to hear, saying,
01:03:50you're going to be a father, Father.
01:03:58What's happening?
01:04:14Why are they shouting at me?
01:04:16You'd better see this.
01:04:18I've just written some crazy story about you having a kid.
01:04:20Well, the exciting news story here in Rome today
01:04:22is that the Pope
01:04:24is alleged to have had sex
01:04:26with the mother of a dead rock star.
01:04:28Who is that rock star?
01:04:30We'll find out right after these messages.
01:04:32...revelation that His Holiness the Pope
01:04:34has been romantically linked with an American tourist.
01:04:36So far, the Vatican has maintained
01:04:38a dignified silence on this matter,
01:04:40and these rumors could well be unfounded.
01:04:42You screwed her, Harry.
01:04:44Please, we are broadcasting here.
01:04:46Oh, shove it, Shirley.
01:04:48Is this true?
01:04:50Yes, sir.
01:04:52Oh, then you have to
01:04:54abdicate and renounce the throne of Peter.
01:04:56Well, they did it.
01:04:58The Pope's out, he's fired, that's it.
01:05:00The man they call Pope Dave
01:05:02is out of a job.
01:05:04He's out on the streets,
01:05:06he's yesterday's news,
01:05:08he's history.
01:05:10And now the weather,
01:05:12brought to you by Hitachi Brand Flakes,
01:05:14the fiber that's fun.
01:05:16It's going to be wet and windy
01:05:18with cloudy showers likely,
01:05:20hail and sleet, and God knows what...
01:05:22I cry in the nighttime
01:05:28Every day is a lifetime
01:05:34Well, since you've been gone
01:05:40Never please come home
01:05:42Come home
01:05:46I can't take it much longer
01:05:52My heart's getting weak
01:05:54Not any stronger
01:05:58Well, since you're away
01:06:00Nice to have you back, Rocko.
01:06:02Oh, thanks, Rook.
01:06:04There is nothing in this world
01:06:06like a freshly pressed cassock.
01:06:08The cartons are going berserk.
01:06:12I feed people all the time who have no money,
01:06:14but any man, let alone the Pope,
01:06:16who does this to a woman, deserves to go hungry.
01:06:18The latest from Rome tonight
01:06:20is that former Pope Dave Albanese
01:06:22has sold his exclusive story
01:06:24to a tabloid paper.
01:06:26He claims that rock star Joe Don Danby's
01:06:28mother tried to lure him
01:06:30away from God after he
01:06:32jilted her more than 15 years ago.
01:06:34Veronica!
01:06:36The Pope is lying.
01:06:38Veronica!
01:06:42Veronica!
01:07:02Veronica, you can't believe these lies.
01:07:04I wouldn't say anything like that!
01:07:06Veronica!
01:07:08The truth is
01:07:10that the guy who somehow
01:07:12wormed his way in here and became Pope
01:07:14was not the man
01:07:16chosen by God
01:07:18through you.
01:07:20He was not the real
01:07:22Albini.
01:07:24Albini!
01:07:26Which was Albini we chose?
01:07:28No, no, no.
01:07:30It's called Albini.
01:07:32Which was the one we said?
01:07:34Albini!
01:07:36Yes, Albini!
01:07:39That's right, gentlemen.
01:07:41And we can thank the Lord
01:07:43that we have right here
01:07:45God's original choice.
01:07:47The genuine silver-haired
01:07:49Fredo I dream in Latin.
01:07:51No one kicks my church
01:07:53around. Albini!
01:07:55All right!
01:08:08Oh!
01:08:13Not bad as an office.
01:08:17Now,
01:08:19who shall we excommunicate first?
01:08:21Well, they call me Felix.
01:08:23And they call me Paul.
01:08:26Well, I'm called Dave.
01:08:29I'm a priest, that's all.
01:08:32Well, in the name of the Father
01:08:34and the name of the Son
01:08:37this boy is heading home.
01:08:53Hey, you! What are you doing?
01:08:55Do you have permission to play?
01:08:59Oi! Oi! Oi, you little rat!
01:09:07Give me that pen!
01:09:09You! Stop!
01:09:11Come here, you little rat!
01:09:13Give me that pen!
01:09:15Give me!
01:09:17I am an orphan.
01:09:19Paolo?
01:09:21Paolo!
01:09:25What are you doing here?
01:09:27I live here.
01:09:29Where?
01:09:31What are you doing in Rome?
01:09:33I came to look for you.
01:09:35Oh, Paolo, you shouldn't have done that.
01:09:37The Mother Superior
01:09:39will be worried sick about you.
01:09:41She's gone. It's closed.
01:09:43The orphanage is closed?
01:09:45Yeah. Now you can't send me back.
01:09:47I like it here.
01:09:49Yes, it's a very nice doorway.
01:09:51Do you mind if I join you?
01:09:53Yes, you can sit here.
01:09:55So, Maria's had her first communion, of course.
01:09:57Mm-hm.
01:09:59What about the old gang? Who have you seen?
01:10:01What about old Giuseppe?
01:10:03Making the funny things out of paper that nobody buys.
01:10:19Why have you brought fish?
01:10:21It's Friday.
01:10:23We always have fish on Friday.
01:10:25Every Catholic knows that.
01:10:27Then we'll change it.
01:10:29From now on, no fish on Fridays.
01:10:31Or Thursdays, or any other day.
01:10:33But I like fish.
01:10:35Anyway, I'm the Pope.
01:10:37I can eat what I like.
01:10:39According to St. Augustine, fish...
01:10:41You! Buzz off.
01:10:43It's buzz off, Monsignor,
01:10:45if you don't mind.
01:10:55Well, you can
01:10:57keep your beak down
01:10:59because this
01:11:01barhouse is going home.
01:11:09What shall we go for?
01:11:11It should be enough for a cup of coffee.
01:11:13Come on, let's go.
01:11:15Come on.
01:11:27All right.
01:11:29How about some spaghetti with champ?
01:11:31Chocolate.
01:11:33Chocolate. There's always chocolate.
01:11:35Can I join you?
01:11:39Yeah, sure.
01:11:41It was just...
01:11:43seeing my name in the paper like that
01:11:45and all those things that you were meant to have said...
01:11:47I don't know.
01:11:49I guess I should have known
01:11:51that you never would have said anything like that
01:11:53because it was never like that between us, was it, Dave?
01:11:55Dave?
01:11:59Anyway, I have to admit that
01:12:01when I read
01:12:03some of the things that you
01:12:05never were meant to have said
01:12:07that we didn't really do,
01:12:09I wish we had.
01:12:11It was kind of like
01:12:13you were
01:12:15not saying something
01:12:17that I thought you said that you didn't
01:12:19and it was almost as though
01:12:21you were just
01:12:23reading my mind.
01:12:27Well...
01:12:31Dinner's ready.
01:12:39Dinner's ready.
01:12:59Thanks, Veronica.
01:13:03Don't I even get a kiss, Your Holiness?
01:13:09No.
01:13:27I see they found a new pope.
01:13:29What does he look like?
01:13:31Not as fat as the other one.
01:13:33Oh, he's got lovely silver hair.
01:13:39What the hell's going on here, Corelli?
01:13:41I've just been down to the bank.
01:13:43All the gold reserves are gone
01:13:45and my name's been taken off the door.
01:13:47I felt after that rather unpleasant
01:13:49scandal with the bank that perhaps
01:13:51you should take a long sabbatical.
01:13:53Oh, did you? You listen to me, pal.
01:13:55I'm in charge of the cash here.
01:13:57You can't do this.
01:13:59Can't, Cardinal?
01:14:01You say can't to a pope?
01:14:03Yes, I like that. I'm the pope.
01:14:05Kiss my ring.
01:14:07The deal was that I would help you
01:14:09get this dumb fuck in there for a couple of years.
01:14:11We'd split the Vatican profits,
01:14:13then I'd become pope.
01:14:15Thanks for your help.
01:14:19Why did you do that?
01:14:23Don't shoot people in my apartment.
01:14:25Now you're really getting on my nerves.
01:14:29Hello, TWA?
01:14:37Fish! Fish!
01:14:39It's that guy that's just about to elect pope.
01:14:41He's one of Corelli's men.
01:14:43Are you kidding, Cardinal Beeney?
01:14:45We're going to crown him in 20 minutes.
01:14:47It's like putting Satan on the throne.
01:14:49We're going to do something.
01:14:51We'll crown him with this.
01:14:53Don't mind me, guys.
01:14:55I'm just trying to find a nice little place
01:14:57where I could die a disgrace.
01:14:59Could you prop me up?
01:15:01I don't know what you're talking about.
01:15:03I don't know what you're talking about.
01:15:05Could you prop me up, Papa?
01:15:07Sure.
01:15:11I bet you're sorry
01:15:13you got into all this, aren't you?
01:15:17I'd better give it your absolution.
01:15:19It's now or never.
01:15:21I guess you're right.
01:15:23Well, we'd better do this short form
01:15:25because if I was to confess,
01:15:27we'd be here all week.
01:15:29Basically, if you can think of it,
01:15:31I did it.
01:15:35And that's your confession, is it?
01:15:37No, not quite.
01:15:55Repeat after me.
01:15:57I repent my sins.
01:15:59I repent my sins.
01:16:01I forgive my enemies.
01:16:03I forgive most of my enemies.
01:16:11Papa, could you grab it?
01:16:23Hello?
01:16:25It's a woman.
01:16:27I'm not available.
01:16:29I'm afraid he can't get to the phone right now.
01:16:31Wait a minute.
01:16:33I'd better take it.
01:16:35I'll never hear the end of it.
01:16:37It's me.
01:16:39Look, I'm going to have to cancel on you tonight.
01:16:41No, I'm not avoiding you.
01:16:45I know I canceled on you last week,
01:16:47but this is different.
01:16:51Come on, honey, you know I love you.
01:16:55Women.
01:16:57You can't live with them.
01:17:01Come on.
01:17:13Ego te absolvo.
01:17:15Ab omnibus
01:17:17sensuus
01:17:19in astra.
01:17:23It's been one minute.
01:17:25You'd better get down.
01:17:31Stop.
01:17:33Where's your ticket?
01:17:35I don't need a ticket. I'm the Pope.
01:17:37Not anymore, you're not.
01:17:39Father, Son,
01:17:41Holy Ghost.
01:17:43Are you Catholic?
01:17:45Of course I am.
01:17:47Why do you think I'm wearing this smart uniform?
01:17:49No wonder nobody goes to church anymore.
01:17:59You're the wrong guy.
01:18:01What are you saying?
01:18:03He's not Albini.
01:18:05He's not Albini.
01:18:07He's not Albini.
01:18:09He's not Albini.
01:18:11He's not Albini.
01:18:13He's not Albini.
01:18:15He's not Albini.
01:18:17He's not Albini.
01:18:19Be quiet.
01:18:21Be quiet.
01:18:23He's not Cardinal Albini.
01:18:25He's the mistake. I am God's choice.
01:18:27Look, silver hair.
01:18:29You're making an even bigger mistake than you did last time.
01:18:31We didn't want you.
01:18:33You were just a typing error.
01:18:35This is our infallible choice.
01:18:37The original silver hair
01:18:39to the eye-dreaming lattice.
01:18:41It's a wig.
01:18:43What?
01:18:46There never was a Cardinal Albini.
01:18:48This man's a madman,
01:18:50an arms dealer called Vittorio Corelli.
01:18:55Is this true?
01:18:57You are not Albini?
01:18:59No.
01:19:01I am not.
01:19:05I am Pope Vittorio I,
01:19:07Emperor of the Vatican.
01:19:09You want a strong leader?
01:19:11You've got one.
01:19:15No more
01:19:17Mr. Nice Pope.
01:19:19It's back to the good old days.
01:19:21Get baptized or get burned.
01:19:23Hear me talking
01:19:25human sacrifices.
01:19:27Hear me talking the new crusade.
01:19:31Get back here.
01:19:33I know what I'm doing.
01:19:35I am no typing error.
01:19:37I am the new Papa.
01:19:39Papa.
01:19:41Come on, Corelli.
01:19:43Neither of us belongs here.
01:19:45I love you, Papa.
01:19:47My daughter used to tell me.
01:19:49Come on, I'll take you home.
01:19:51I'll take you home,
01:19:53nincompope.
01:19:55Oh, you hesitate.
01:19:57Afraid to die.
01:19:59See this?
01:20:01This rules the world.
01:20:03Not them.
01:20:05Not him.
01:20:07This and me.
01:20:09Pope Vittorio the Chosen One.
01:20:11Dead.
01:20:30Well, well.
01:20:32Perhaps you are
01:20:34God's choice after all.
01:20:36I don't think so.
01:20:38I'm getting married on Wednesday.
01:20:40Congratulations.
01:20:42God help you.
01:21:07What can I say?
01:21:10If you need your car fixed, you know where to find me.
01:21:18So long, Bish.
01:21:20I'll see you Wednesday.
01:21:22Aren't you going to need a priest?
01:21:24Oh, yes, of course.
01:21:26I'll see you then.
01:21:28Bye.
01:21:40I love you.
01:21:42I love you.
01:21:44I love you.
01:21:46I love you.
01:21:48I love you.
01:21:50I love you.
01:21:52I love you.
01:21:54I love you.
01:21:56I love you.
01:21:58I love you.
01:22:00I love you.
01:22:02I love you.
01:22:04I love you.
01:22:06I love you.
01:22:08I love you.
01:22:10I love you.
01:22:12I love you.
01:22:14I love you.
01:22:16I love you.
01:22:18I love you.
01:22:20I love you.
01:22:22I love you.
01:22:24I love you.
01:22:26I love you.
01:22:28I love you.
01:22:30I love you.
01:22:32I love you.
01:22:34I love you.
01:22:36I love you.
01:22:38I love you.
01:22:40I love you.
01:22:42I love you.
01:22:44I love you.
01:22:46I love you.
01:22:48I love you.
01:22:50I love you.
01:22:52I love you.
01:22:54I love you.
01:22:56I love you.
01:22:58I love you.
01:23:00I love you.
01:23:02I love you.
01:23:04I love you.
01:23:06I love you.
01:23:08I love you.
01:23:10I love you.
01:23:12I love you.
01:23:14I love you.
01:23:16I love you.
01:23:18I love you.
01:23:20I love you.
01:23:22I love you.
01:23:24I love you.
01:23:26I love you.
01:23:28I love you.
01:23:30I love you.
01:23:32I love you.
01:23:34I love you.
01:23:36I love you.
01:23:38I love you.
01:23:40I love you.
01:23:42I love you.
01:23:44I love you.
01:23:46I love you.
01:23:48I love you.
01:23:50I love you.
01:23:52I love you.
01:23:54I love you.
01:23:56I love you.
01:23:58I love you.
01:24:00Oh, Speedy Gun, darling
01:24:02Why don't you come along
01:24:04Speedy, Speedy Gun, darling
01:24:06How come you leave me all alone
01:24:08How come you leave me all alone
01:24:10How come you leave me all alone
01:24:40How come you leave me all alone
01:24:42How come you leave me all alone
01:24:44How come you leave me all alone
01:24:46How come you leave me all alone
01:24:48How come you leave me all alone
01:24:50How come you leave me all alone
01:24:52How come you leave me all alone
01:24:54How come you leave me all alone
01:24:56How come you leave me all alone
01:24:58How come you leave me all alone
01:25:00How come you leave me all alone
01:25:02How come you leave me all alone
01:25:04How come you leave me all alone
01:25:06How come you leave me all alone