Cartoon Planet Cartoon Planet E013 The Empire Strikes Brak
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00:00Vraiment ? Comment j'ai l'air ?
00:01Tu as l'air comme un bébé cabbage patch.
00:03Est-ce que je peux acheter une pizza ?
00:04Non.
00:05Zorak, si j'achète une pizza, tu m'aideras à payer pour ça ?
00:08Cinq secondes.
00:08Je ne t'aiderai pas à payer pour ça, mais je t'aiderai à la manger.
00:12Tu t'es pris un délire, mon ami.
00:30Ladies and gentlemen, the Cartoon Planet is proud to present one of the great...
00:33Ladies and gentlemen, the Cartoon Planet is proud to present one of the greatest comedy minds of our century, Brack !
00:37Hey, hey, hey, thanks for having me on the Cartoon Planet, I got a couple of jokes for you.
00:41Why did the 500 pound gorilla, granola...
00:44Oh boy, oh boy, boom !
00:46Why did the 500 pound gorilla eat a lot of bananas ?
00:49Oh, boom !
00:50Why did the lady wear a big wig and want to be...
00:53Oh boy !
00:54Why did the 500 pound gorilla eat a lot of bananas ?
00:57Oh, boom !
00:59Oh boy, I need some tongue ties now ladies and gentlemen.
01:01Why did the lady buy a wig at a dime store ?
01:03Because she didn't have any hair.
01:05Oh boy, boom !
01:07Did you take a...
01:08Hey, did you take a bath today ?
01:10Yes !
01:13Oh boy, I just got a million of them.
01:15My mother makes funny faces all day long.
01:17Isn't she crazy ?
01:18Yes !
01:21Oh boy, boom !
01:22A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says...
01:25Hey, how you doing there horsey ?
01:28Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen.
01:30It's been really great being on the show.
01:33Oh boy !
01:57Oh boy, boom !
02:27Yes !
02:58Oh, not that it's any of my business Brack but...
03:01How did that happen ?
03:02I don't know !
03:03I just left home without any pants on.
03:06I don't wear pants.
03:08They chafe.
03:09I like corduroy pants.
03:11I like the happy song they sang.
03:13Oh, I'm a pair of corduroy pants.
03:16Fweet, fweet, fweet, fweet, fweet, fweet, fweet.
03:18Hear me sing my...
03:19Oh, it's that darn tingle again.
03:22Zorak, go get me my throat lozenges.
03:25No, do it yourself chicken legs.
03:28Aaaaah !
03:29Get me my throat lozenges.
03:32In a pig's eye you big tub of goo.
03:37Well ?
03:38That which don't kill me makes me stronger.
03:42Aaaaah !
03:44I'm feeling a little groggy.
03:47I think I'll lay down for a little while.
03:50Nighty night.
03:52Well, Brack, I don't see any reason why we can't finish this delightful sketch
03:57even though you don't have pants on.
03:59I mean, it's not like you ever get out from behind the desk anyways.
04:02It's not like I don't wanna.
04:04The producers are just too cheap to spend any money animating me.
04:09Here, look at this.
04:10Here's one of my new scenes.
04:12See the way I'm standing up ?
04:14For five bucks extra they could have showed me sitting down,
04:17then standing up.
04:21Bunch of cheapskates.
04:22Hey, maybe if you write yourself a little note,
04:25you'll remember to wear pants tomorrow.
04:27That's a good idea if I can remember it.
04:29Maybe I should tie a string around my finger to remind myself to write a little note,
04:33to remind myself to write a little note.
04:35That might do it.
04:38Who wrote the book of love ?
04:40I don't know and I don't care.
04:43Here's a letter.
04:44Dear Zorak, my girlfriend and I used to get along just fine
04:49until we started giving each other little love names.
04:51She called me her little sticky insect, which I liked.
04:54But then when I called her my big basket of onion rings,
04:57she hit me with a rake.
04:58Why, Brat ?
05:00Why do I know ? I'm stupid.
05:01Exactly.
05:02Dear Zorak, there's this cute little tomato...
05:06Tomato !
05:07...that lives on my planet's moon that I'm crazy about.
05:10But she won't give me a tumble because I'm a potato.
05:14Potato !
05:15Tomato !
05:16Tomato !
05:18Let's call the whole thing off.
05:25Everyone knows the story of George Washington and the cherry tree.
05:28Now let's hear the rest of the story.
05:33When he was small, George Washington received a hatchet for his birthday.
05:36He promptly walked to his neighbor's yard and chopped down a cherry tree.
05:39George, why did you do that ? the neighbor asked.
05:41Do what ? George replied.
05:43Why did you chop down my cherry tree ?
05:47It was like that when I got here.
05:49But I sat right on my front porch and watched you do it, the neighbor exclaimed.
05:54That wasn't me, George protested.
05:57That was my twin brother, Winthrop.
06:00At that point, the neighbor picked up a large...
06:03Zorak !
06:04What ?
06:05That's not the story of George Washington and the cherry tree, and you know it.
06:08That is a load of hooey.
06:10Well, I was just trying to make it more interesting.
06:13By telling a big fat lie ?
06:15Did the story end with George saying, I cannot tell a lie ?
06:18Not my version.
06:19George Washington had wooden teeth.
06:21He did ?
06:22Yep.
06:23Man, wouldn't that be weird ?
06:24To have wooden teeth, I guess you wouldn't get cavities.
06:28You'd get... termites !
06:37Termites.
06:38Zorak doesn't even have any teeth, do you Zorak ?
06:41Nope.
06:42How do you chew your food ?
06:43I don't.
06:45Well, how do you get it all soft and mushy, and ready to swallow ?
06:48Oh, I have my ways.
06:51You don't want to know.
06:52Nope, I suppose not.
06:53Well, anyway...
06:55George Washing Machine eventually admitted to chopping down the cherry tree,
06:58and went on to become the first ever president of the United States to have wooden teeth.
07:02How you know ?
07:04You're right.
07:05That is the story.
07:08Good day.
07:10Now, here's Zorak with a very important nugget of joy for us.
07:15I ran to get into shape once.
07:17I ran and ran and ran.
07:19Oh, running Zorak, that's what they used to call me.
07:22Oh, running Zorak !
07:25Then I developed the worst bunion on the pinky toe of my left foot.
07:29It done me in.
07:31So I started conquering galaxies !
07:38Here's another story from the Cartoon Planet storybook.
07:43It's called Taking Candy, and it was written by Jefferson Clay.
07:47He's a softball player.
07:49When Jeffrey was little, he used to love to go to the grocery store with his mom.
07:55One time, when Jeffrey walked past the candy counter,
07:58he took some candy and put it in his pocket.
08:01Then when he got home, Jeffrey's mom told him to get ready for his bath.
08:06As she was getting his clothes ready for the laundry,
08:09she found the stolen candy in Jeffrey's pants pocket.
08:12Where did you get this, she asked.
08:14I bought it, Jeffrey lied.
08:16Bought it with what ? You don't have any money.
08:19All right, I stole it, the boy admitted.
08:22His mom dragged him back to the grocery store.
08:25The store manager held Jeffrey upside down and shook him to see if he had swiped any other merchandise.
08:32It was very embarrassing.
08:35Jeffrey hasn't stolen anything since.
08:38THE END
09:08Translation by Jean Laflute
09:39I don't have blues, no ! I don't have the blues !
09:44Cranberry sauce !
10:09Well, good ! Then we're all fine !
10:17I watch Cartoon Planet frequently.
10:19Whatever happened to the monkey on the show ?
10:22He means Brat.
10:23I think he means Blip.
10:25Hey, everybody ! I'm Blip !
10:27Hip-hip-hip-hip-hip !
10:29Oh, hi, Blip !
10:31I think I should appear on your show,
10:33because I am the self-proclaimed ruler of Earth.
10:37For now, that's about the 79th self-proclaimed ruler of Earth letter we've gotten this week.
10:42Who's in charge down there ?
10:44Nixon.
10:46Still ?
10:47I don't know. I'm just guessing.
10:54Today is Aries.
10:57Well, Aries, simply put, your love life stinks.
11:00Just kidding.
11:03Actually, today's your lucky day.
11:05For today, true love will surely come your way.
11:09Not really !
11:12Oh, what's this ?
11:14My goodness, you're being run over by a truck !
11:17No, no, no, no, no, no. Just joshing you.
11:21The fact of the matter is, your star is sort of fogged in today.
11:25Maybe you better just stay in bed, watch your stories.
11:31Zorak, I'm receiving a transmission from Earth.
11:35It's from Count Floyd.
11:36Oh, well, let's hear what the old bat has to say.
11:45Scared you, didn't I ?
11:46Oh, boy, Count Floyd here.
11:48All right, kids, let's all hear the official Count Floyd dance.
11:55All right, good, good.
11:57We're in the spirit.
11:58We're in the spirit for scariness, because I got a scary story for you.
12:01Oh, boy, this is gonna make the starch just go right out of your shirts and dresses or whatever.
12:07All right.
12:08Oh, we got a scary one for you today.
12:10Now, this one's entitled, The Revenge of the Ghost Chicken.
12:16Isn't that blood-curdling, kids ?
12:19All right.
12:20Okay, once upon a creepy time, there was a farmer who had a big ranch
12:24with dozens of prized pullets just clocking along there.
12:28The farmer sold his land to a big city developer.
12:30Now, the developer built a mini-mall with a handy convenience store.
12:34Ooh, those places always have such good cheese sandwiches.
12:37Ooh, okay, so one night, the developer goes into the convenience store
12:40and buys a dozen eggs and a box of instant mashed potatoes.
12:44Now, the developer got home and was putting his food away
12:47when he heard a little voice say,
12:49Don't open the carton of eggs.
12:51But the foolish developer lifted the styrofoam lid
12:54and what do you think he found ?
12:56One of the eggs was cracked.
12:58Then, the ghost chicken attacked.
13:00The phantom friar flew around and around the kitchen,
13:03squawking, squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk.
13:07Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
13:09Oh, that's scary to think that one of those eggs was damaged
13:12and stuff was oozing out all over.
13:15It got the box of instant potatoes all mushy.
13:18Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
13:20That's it, I've lost the signal.
13:22Don't fret, kiddies.
13:23Count Floyd will be back next week.
13:26Got a problem ?
13:27I'm listening.
13:28The kids at school don't like me.
13:30My girlfriend says I smell.
13:32The teachers say I'm lazy.
13:34Sometimes I lie to you.
13:36Zorak, can you help me ?
13:39Sure, kid.
13:40Just tell ol' Zorak, now what's your problem ?
13:43This mask is really itchy.
13:44My underwear's too tight.
13:46No one understands me.
13:48Yeah, right.
13:50Now it's time for Zorak to tell Floyd.
13:54Zorak, here's a caller with a question.
13:57Okey-dokey.
13:58Zorak, are you there ?
13:59Yes, I'm here.
14:01I'm here for you.
14:02I have a problem.
14:03Go ahead, I'm listening.
14:05I just moved to a new town and I'm having trouble making friends.
14:08Do you have any suggestions ?
14:10Sure, try this.
14:12Go up to the kids at school and say,
14:15Hey, I'll give you each five bucks if you'll be my friend.
14:19Zorak, that's a terrible idea.
14:21You're right, you're right, bad idea.
14:23Too expensive.
14:25Just be straight forward.
14:27Ask someone if they want to be your friend.
14:29If they say yes, you've made a friend.
14:32If they say no, step on their head.
14:34It's that simple.
14:35Zorak !
14:36Alright, alright, alright, forget that.
14:38Hey, you know, when I was a small mantis,
14:41I also had trouble making friends.
14:43So, I would sing this little ditty.
14:46Hello, how are you today ?
14:49My name is Zorak, okay ?
14:52Be my friend, be my friend,
14:54or I'll step on your head, yeah !
14:58Did the other kids start to like you ?
15:00No, they just threw things at me.
15:02Oh, I'm sorry.
15:04Kids can be so cold.
15:06Yes, well, tune in next week, same time,
15:08for another exciting edition of Zorak's Helpful Hints.
15:12Bye-bye.
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