Titillating Steven-SD
Category
π₯
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00 All right, ladies.
00:00:02 Why did you go in the first place?
00:00:05 And, uh...
00:00:07 why don't we start from the beginning?
00:00:11 From the beginning, huh?
00:00:14 Yeah, I guess that would be best.
00:00:19 It was back when we started going...
00:00:22 A couple of years ago, we started going, um...
00:00:26 Why don't you go ahead?
00:00:28 Thanks.
00:00:30 We really couldn't see any choice in the matter.
00:00:33 I mean, basically, we did everything we could in New York
00:00:36 to break into the business,
00:00:38 and we'd been waiting tables for a long time.
00:00:41 Man, just praying for the big break to come along.
00:00:44 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Praying for the big break?
00:00:47 We weren't exactly praying. We busted our asses off.
00:00:50 If you'd let me finish.
00:00:52 We did everything we could to break into the business,
00:00:55 from theater to showcases, a few commercials...
00:00:58 A couple shitty films.
00:01:00 That's for sure.
00:01:02 Remember the one where we played the two-headed monster?
00:01:05 Uh, let's not go there.
00:01:07 Right.
00:01:09 Well, in any case, the only real progress we made
00:01:12 was getting the Friday and Saturday night shifts at Pepina's Pizzeria.
00:01:15 Yeah, let's just say we were getting increasingly more frustrated.
00:01:18 And, quite frankly, even more depressed.
00:01:20 Yeah. Well...
00:01:22 One of those fine days,
00:01:24 sulking over a pint in Ben and Jerry's...
00:01:26 Or two.
00:01:28 I said to Sherry, I said, "What the hell are we thinking?
00:01:31 "Why don't we just write our own goddamn script?"
00:01:33 Actually, I think that was my idea.
00:01:35 No, it wasn't, but anyway... Yes, it was.
00:01:37 Anyway...
00:01:39 The two of us had this great idea for a story and started writing.
00:01:45 We started writing what we felt was a pretty damn good screenplay.
00:01:48 That's right.
00:01:50 And that's when it all just hit me.
00:01:52 Us. Us.
00:01:54 Well, that number one, we were clearly in the wrong town.
00:01:57 And number two, as far as our screenplay is concerned,
00:02:00 there was only one man,
00:02:02 but one man who was capable of directing it.
00:02:06 # #
00:02:12 # Once upon a time I would have said I don't need it #
00:02:19 # But if it's mine #
00:02:21 # I've got to tell you it would be better that way #
00:02:26 # We could cry #
00:02:28 # We could fight and lie #
00:02:32 # Cos we could always get high #
00:02:35 # If every cry and smile there is a greedy soul #
00:02:40 # Rendezvous in the springs #
00:02:44 # We'll do it up like they used to #
00:02:48 # Like stars #
00:02:50 # A silver dab from an 80s flick #
00:02:55 # Don't be shocked #
00:02:57 # I'm just adapting to this civilised existence #
00:03:03 # I want it all #
00:03:06 # Whoa-oh-oh #
00:03:07 # I'll be slow, I'm not shy at all #
00:03:10 # I want it all #
00:03:13 # Whoa-oh-oh #
00:03:14 # I'll be slow, I'm not shy at all #
00:03:17 # Soundless as dreams #
00:03:19 # We'll fight on lust and fire #
00:03:24 # We're brats #
00:03:26 # We're angels from the subterranean world #
00:03:31 # But don't be shy #
00:03:33 # Let fear dissolve all this civilised existence #
00:03:39 # I want it all #
00:03:42 # Whoa-oh-oh #
00:03:43 # I'll be slow, I'm not shy at all #
00:03:46 # I want it all #
00:03:49 # Whoa-oh-oh #
00:03:50 # I'll be slow, I'm not shy at all #
00:03:53 # I want it all #
00:03:56 # Whoa-oh-oh #
00:03:57 # I'll be slow, I'm not shy at all #
00:04:00 # I want it all #
00:04:03 # Whoa-oh-oh #
00:04:04 # I'll be slow, I'm not shy at all #
00:04:08 # I want it all #
00:04:10 # Whoa-oh-oh #
00:04:12 # I'll be slow, I'm not shy at all #
00:04:16 # I want it all #
00:04:19 # Whoa-oh-oh #
00:04:20 # I'll be slow, I'm not shy at all #
00:04:24 # I want it all #
00:04:26 # Whoa-oh-oh #
00:04:27 # I'll be slow, I'm not shy at all #
00:04:31 # I want it all #
00:04:33 # Whoa-oh-oh #
00:04:34 # I'll be slow, I'm not shy at all #
00:04:38 # I want it all #
00:04:40 # I want it all #
00:04:43 Okay, so it's about two or three weeks now.
00:04:45 We were running out of money and we were desperately looking for waitressing jobs.
00:04:49 However, we were trying to remain focused on our screenplay.
00:04:52 Frankly, I couldn't understand why we couldn't just cut to the chase
00:04:55 and hand Spilstain the goddamn script.
00:04:57 Hand him the script, huh?
00:04:59 Well, sure, we'll just walk right up to Stephen,
00:05:01 after of course he'd just jumped the fence,
00:05:03 knocked obscurity past the attack dogs.
00:05:06 Then we'll ring the bell and smiling sweetly,
00:05:09 the butler feed mine fetching Stephen
00:05:11 while we wait in the kitchen sipping tea.
00:05:14 Stephen just hanging around at home, of course, would gladly read our script.
00:05:18 Because after all, he's got nothing better to do.
00:05:21 It's fucking perfect.
00:05:23 Yeah.
00:05:25 Give me the goddamn paper.
00:05:28 # Yeah, yeah, yeah #
00:05:38 # Yeah #
00:05:40 Okay. Okay, so we're starting off with a few challenges.
00:05:45 Like how we're going to eat tomorrow.
00:05:47 Okay, that's one of them.
00:05:51 Remember when we were little?
00:05:56 I think we were in the third or fourth grade
00:05:58 and the fire department held a contest
00:06:00 that whoever thought of the best fire prevention poster
00:06:02 would win a ride up in that fire engine lift.
00:06:05 Yeah, those were the good old days.
00:06:08 Well, I remember saying to you, "What were my chances of winning?"
00:06:11 And I remember you said to me, "If you really believed in your poster
00:06:15 "and you gave it your all, well,
00:06:18 "then you'd have as good a shot as any."
00:06:21 And I'll never forget the day the firemen called the winner's name.
00:06:26 You won that goddamn contest.
00:06:30 And when you were on that lift,
00:06:33 waving your trophy to everyone...
00:06:36 ..I felt so ashamed of myself for not having the courage to try.
00:06:43 You know, you actually taught me something for once
00:06:49 and I don't need to learn it twice.
00:06:52 Look, there are no guarantees,
00:06:56 but I am going to bust my ass off trying.
00:07:01 Damn, that fireman was cute.
00:07:04 You know, I'm going to go ahead and let you get away with that one.
00:07:10 Just tonight.
00:07:13 (doorbell rings)
00:07:29 Uh, it's the door.
00:07:32 All right, all right, I'm coming. Hold on.
00:07:42 Good morning.
00:07:45 Morning.
00:07:47 Oh, my goodness. Twins.
00:07:50 And don't we look pretty?
00:07:54 What is it they say? Double your pleasure?
00:07:58 That's a good one.
00:08:00 My name is Brian. I'm your next-door neighbour.
00:08:04 Hi, Brian. Hi.
00:08:06 I was hoping you ladies were a little bit hunkier and on my team.
00:08:10 Oh, but what the heck. We'll get along just fine.
00:08:13 Now, what are your names? I'm Sherry and this is Jane.
00:08:17 What time is it? It's eight o'clock.
00:08:19 It's a pleasure to meet you. Oh, it's nine o'clock and the pleasure's mine.
00:08:23 Well, now... Come in.
00:08:26 (door closes)
00:08:28 Um, call me crazy, but didn't I see two men in here earlier?
00:08:36 Oh, yeah. Those were the movers.
00:08:39 Well, now...
00:08:42 Looks like you two have got yourselves a nice little pad here.
00:08:47 Yeah, well, we think so. We've been working with it.
00:08:50 Oh, I almost forgot. I baked this just for you two.
00:08:54 Oh, great.
00:08:56 Well, actually, I got it for Christmas, but what the fuck.
00:08:59 Thanks.
00:09:01 Well, I'm right next door, so just knock if you need anything and let me...
00:09:06 Oh, well, thanks for the, uh, fruitcake.
00:09:10 Do you know any place we can get a waitressing job around here?
00:09:13 Hmm. I think I can help you.
00:09:17 If you can put up with all the...
00:09:22 Asshole.
00:09:24 Okay, ladies, the name of the game here is money, and we're all here to make some, right?
00:09:28 So, let me tell you the rules here.
00:09:30 First off, you've got to know how to work the room.
00:09:33 You scan it, you learn who's who.
00:09:35 The regulars, you kiss ass, learn what they want, and you'll never get a bad tip.
00:09:38 The tourists, you're one-timers, tag on a dollar per drink. That's yours to keep, honey.
00:09:43 And now, the room.
00:09:45 See that couple of gentlemen over there with their wives? Bombay martini drinkers.
00:09:49 Straight up. Never let them hold an empty glass.
00:09:52 Off the record, I've slept with three out of four of them, and I don't mean their wives.
00:09:56 Big motorcycle boy over there to your right.
00:09:59 Double jack, straight up, Guinness back.
00:10:04 He's a five-dollar drink tipper. Keep him double-fisted at all times.
00:10:08 Oh, and for your information, you can catch him every Thursday at Whippoorown's Transvestite Night.
00:10:13 Pink panties, pink toenails, pink pumps, the whole works.
00:10:17 Man over there, bald.
00:10:19 Pina colada drinker. Tip's oh-so.
00:10:22 Oh, and by the way, he's a she, which explains the tip.
00:10:27 Well, you'll get the gist.
00:10:29 Hey, girl, love your hair.
00:10:34 Oh, mistake.
00:10:38 Oh, girl.
00:10:40 Now that'll cost you.
00:10:42 Thank you, honey.
00:10:44 One for me, and one for you, too.
00:10:46 Honey, if you're gonna cop a cheap feel, you can't be so damn cheap.
00:10:49 Oh, okay.
00:10:51 Now that's better.
00:10:53 Gimme that.
00:10:54 Now work it, girls.
00:10:56 So I said to those girls, "You can't be working here for dimes and nickels."
00:11:06 Oh, let me tell you, I'm so glad I don't work in that disgusting, bust-your-ass-off business anymore.
00:11:13 As a matter of fact, I have my own little business on the side that is going extremely well, thank you.
00:11:19 I sell these incredible herbs and vitamins that are just fabulous and would do absolute wonders for your bags.
00:11:25 Oh.
00:11:27 Well, anyway, the night wasn't a total waste.
00:11:34 At least not for Jane.
00:11:36 She met some guy.
00:11:39 He's cute.
00:11:41 He's...
00:11:43 ...a bit of a short motherfucker.
00:11:45 That was Jane's night.
00:12:02 Unfortunately, mine didn't go so well.
00:12:09 Well, I probably overreacted, but I...
00:12:12 I didn't know he was my boss.
00:12:14 Let's just put it this way, honey.
00:12:19 Every time his chubby little wandering hands went near me, I'd make his drink just a little extra special.
00:12:25 [slurps]
00:12:26 [gasps]
00:12:27 Loved every last drop of it.
00:12:33 Ladies, I don't get mad.
00:12:36 I get even.
00:12:37 That's deep.
00:12:38 Okay, okay, don't panic. We'll figure something out.
00:12:41 And why did you get fired?
00:12:44 Unfortunately, when you fire one twin, the other one's automatically out.
00:12:48 Personally, I'd kill her.
00:12:50 Thanks, buddy.
00:12:51 Now, let's see.
00:12:52 What can we get you two that will--
00:12:54 [gasps] Oh!
00:12:56 Oh, have I got a job for you two.
00:12:58 Well, actually, I just started with it, but I think the potential to make some money is just astronomical.
00:13:03 We're not talking, um, drug dealing or prostitution, are we?
00:13:06 'Cause we're not above that.
00:13:08 No.
00:13:10 No, what I'm talking about here, ladies, is something you two should consider taking for yourselves.
00:13:15 It's called Vitalife.
00:13:17 And let me tell you, their products will do wonders for you two.
00:13:20 Thanks, I'll take that as a compliment.
00:13:22 You don't want to push that shit on us, right?
00:13:24 We're poor, remember?
00:13:25 Okay. Suit yourselves.
00:13:28 [coughs]
00:13:30 It's healthy for you, anyway.
00:13:35 So, what happened with Tiny Tim last night?
00:13:38 Oh, nothing really.
00:13:40 Went out for a cup of coffee.
00:13:42 Good conversation.
00:13:44 [grunts]
00:13:45 Nice guy.
00:13:50 Nice guy, whatever.
00:13:52 Small hands, small feet.
00:13:54 Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out the rest of that equation.
00:13:58 Now, ladies, these...
00:14:02 These are something worth wasting your time for.
00:14:06 Get a dirty underwear.
00:14:08 Huge.
00:14:15 I mean, I was in regular for a week and a half.
00:14:19 Oh, he was fabulous.
00:14:23 Where was I?
00:14:27 Oh!
00:14:28 So I told Jane, "Go ahead.
00:14:31 Date that cute little boy.
00:14:34 Or, honey, you'll have the nicest nails in town.
00:14:38 'Cause God knows you'll be fouling them enough in the sack."
00:14:42 Okay, my other option is sitting home Saturday night
00:14:45 with my chronically PMSing twin sister.
00:14:48 Or a big flaming fairy.
00:14:52 Good point.
00:14:54 Hey, I got it.
00:14:57 Why don't you try waiting tables at that little restaurant?
00:15:00 TJ's.
00:15:01 Now that's probably a little more your speed.
00:15:04 [music]
00:15:09 At Brian's recommendation, we did get that job at TJ's restaurant.
00:15:14 And we met our best friend in the whole world.
00:15:17 Lovely girl.
00:15:18 A real mover and shaker.
00:15:20 A real...
00:15:22 Sweetheart.
00:15:25 [music]
00:15:29 Christ, what the hell are you doing?
00:15:32 Looking up doctors.
00:15:34 Why?
00:15:35 I think I need Prozac.
00:15:36 You gonna let her do this?
00:15:38 Well, I tried, but I had no luck.
00:15:40 Uh, Louie, table 21 needs more coffee.
00:15:43 Right, all right, I'll be right there.
00:15:45 I mean, Jane and I have done everything we can think of to get an agent.
00:15:47 Should've sleeping with one.
00:15:49 Even I consider that.
00:15:51 I mean, first we tried going to see these agents.
00:15:53 It was a mistake.
00:15:54 All they said was...
00:15:55 Ladies, don't bother us.
00:15:57 Send us your pictures.
00:15:58 We'll call you if we're interested.
00:16:01 So we did.
00:16:02 To the tune of 200.
00:16:04 No response.
00:16:05 One-up.
00:16:06 Except for one, who basically told us...
00:16:08 Twins?
00:16:09 You two look nothing alike.
00:16:11 Which brings us to plan B.
00:16:13 We start out auditioning for shows we got through the trade papers.
00:16:16 Yeah, well...
00:16:17 Take Last Night, for instance.
00:16:19 There I was.
00:16:20 Waited two hours for this one.
00:16:22 It was always perfect for me.
00:16:24 I was to play the miserable bitch.
00:16:27 Oh, Heather, darling.
00:16:29 Darling, darling, darling.
00:16:34 I love you.
00:16:35 I love you.
00:16:37 But you know I can't possibly play the role.
00:16:40 I'm the producer.
00:16:42 The director.
00:16:44 I'm running the lights.
00:16:46 Now, Heather, darling, I'm no actor.
00:16:50 Oh, shit.
00:16:52 But, darling, my love, I...
00:16:54 I can't go on without you.
00:16:56 Why, my love is like a...
00:16:57 Shh!
00:16:58 Speak no more.
00:17:00 I've waited a long time for this.
00:17:03 Now kiss me.
00:17:07 This has been so long...
00:17:18 since we had the special time to chat together.
00:17:21 It's been so soothing and comforting for me.
00:17:24 I know.
00:17:25 Me.
00:17:27 You.
00:17:29 And this lovely moment together.
00:17:31 Yeah, well...
00:17:33 Now kiss me.
00:17:36 Over my dead body.
00:17:43 Ass breath.
00:17:44 Thank you, Sherry.
00:17:46 Howard, can you stay?
00:17:49 Oh.
00:17:51 It was a nightmare.
00:17:53 All right, all right, all right.
00:17:55 What, have you been here seven weeks?
00:17:56 Christ, what the hell do you expect?
00:17:59 They're, um, calling the coffee cups up.
00:18:01 All right, all right, I'll be right there.
00:18:04 Besides, ladies, I loved your script.
00:18:08 Wonderful, we got Lilith's approval.
00:18:09 And I think there's a great role in there for me.
00:18:11 Just think of someone different for the hooker.
00:18:13 I wasn't talking about that role.
00:18:15 Now, in any case, my new manager, who I've been--
00:18:17 Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:18:18 You got a manager?
00:18:20 Yeah, I got a manager.
00:18:22 As of last weekend, and let me tell you, he's awesome.
00:18:25 Yeah, but how is he as a manager?
00:18:27 Very funny.
00:18:29 Now, you two comedians gonna hear me out or not?
00:18:32 Good.
00:18:33 Now, I'm gonna give my manager a call,
00:18:35 have him set up an interview with you two.
00:18:37 He'll take a look at your stuff, and we'll see what happens.
00:18:40 Lily, you're sure he's gonna listen to you
00:18:42 after only a romp in the hay?
00:18:45 I know he will.
00:18:47 Wow, Lily, this is-- this is really nice of you.
00:18:50 It sure is.
00:18:52 And, um, um, we're signed.
00:18:55 It's just that, um--
00:18:58 You want to tell her?
00:18:59 Uh, what?
00:19:01 Uh, Lily, the, uh-- they're really waiting.
00:19:04 Well, pour the fucking coffee.
00:19:06 All right, all right, all right.
00:19:07 It's just gonna get right on in.
00:19:08 No problem.
00:19:09 Anyway, well, just for shits and giggles,
00:19:12 we're really banking on trying to get our movie produced.
00:19:15 Your movie produced?
00:19:17 And, uh, well...
00:19:21 directed by Steven Spielstein.
00:19:24 Directed by Steven Spielstein?
00:19:27 The Steven Spielstein?
00:19:30 That's right.
00:19:33 Okay.
00:19:35 Spielstein, huh?
00:19:37 Give me a minute.
00:19:40 All right, your movie's great.
00:19:43 It could really make us all big.
00:19:45 No shit.
00:19:47 All right, we need some connections here.
00:19:50 Tony's got friends.
00:19:52 Producer friends.
00:19:53 The whole shit.
00:19:55 Ladies, we can do this.
00:19:57 We're gonna find this Mr. Steven Spielstein.
00:19:59 We're gonna find him, and we're gonna titillate
00:20:01 the goddamn motherfucking pants
00:20:03 off this Mr. Steven Spielstein.
00:20:07 Yeah.
00:20:08 Sit down.
00:20:10 Yeah.
00:20:12 Yeah.
00:20:13 Sit down.
00:20:15 I can't work with you.
00:20:22 First of all, the two of you look like
00:20:24 Mary Poppins and Mrs. Brady.
00:20:26 I couldn't save you for nothing but hosting romp room.
00:20:29 Second, the two of you need to look.
00:20:32 Do anything crazy.
00:20:34 Cut your hair, dye it, false eyelashes, whatever.
00:20:37 But you gotta make my dick hard.
00:20:39 You know what I'm talking about?
00:20:40 Yeah, I think.
00:20:41 Oh, yeah, and you gotta cut some weight.
00:20:43 How much? Ten, 15 pounds?
00:20:45 You shit together, a month, two.
00:20:47 You call me.
00:20:49 Oh, yeah, don't lose your tits.
00:20:51 I like your tits.
00:20:54 Tony to model management.
00:20:58 I think it was the day we had the Sunday together.
00:21:01 Shit.
00:21:03 I mean, something really, like, clicked.
00:21:06 I really got through to them, you know?
00:21:09 Fuck, you got a cigarette on you?
00:21:11 Lily's here.
00:21:17 Christ, what the hell are you doing?
00:21:28 Your manager hated us.
00:21:29 He thought we were all wrong for the business.
00:21:33 Just a few minor things.
00:21:34 Our look, our clothes, our thighs.
00:21:37 Everything, you name it.
00:21:39 Well, now look at you two.
00:21:41 You two are pathetic.
00:21:43 'Cause one asshole turned you down.
00:21:48 You two should be ashamed.
00:21:53 Now you listen to me.
00:21:55 Understand this, and understand this well.
00:21:57 You are a product in this business.
00:21:59 Nothing but a product, and you are selling a product.
00:22:02 Take the sundae, for example.
00:22:05 Several parts to the sundae, correct?
00:22:07 Correct.
00:22:08 You got the whipped cream, three balls of ice cream,
00:22:10 and then, of course, nuts and a cherry.
00:22:13 Yeah, well, cherry's missing here.
00:22:16 Now, we need to sell this sundae, correct?
00:22:18 Correct.
00:22:19 So we put it together real nice.
00:22:21 Each of its separate parts, they get it a perfect whole.
00:22:24 Starting to get the picture here?
00:22:26 Sort of.
00:22:27 Not at all.
00:22:28 What I mean is, in order to sell this terrific-looking sundae,
00:22:32 each separate part is important in making this a terrific-looking sundae.
00:22:36 Capisce?
00:22:37 So, for instance, in order to be the actress, the sundae, the product,
00:22:46 you must have all the separate parts--
00:22:48 the whipped cream, the ice cream, the topping, et cetera--perfect.
00:22:51 Whipped cream?
00:22:52 Meaning your clothes, your hair, your talent, your body, et cetera, perfect.
00:22:56 Look, if your hair looks like shit,
00:22:59 well, then, that part of the product is not doing its job, right?
00:23:02 And then, you're a little out of shape, and your clothes are all wrong,
00:23:06 and you're sending out shitty headshots, and you're not pushing your script,
00:23:09 well, then, this--this is your goddamn lousy-ass product.
00:23:14 Do you want to buy this product?
00:23:26 Then how could you expect anyone to want to buy you?
00:23:29 Now hurry up and finish.
00:23:35 I want to get out of here.
00:23:40 Check.
00:23:48 [music]
00:23:51 [music]
00:23:54 [music]
00:23:57 [music]
00:24:00 [music]
00:24:02 β« Listen man, you better take a step back β«
00:24:03 β« No one wants to hear about your sad sex stories β«
00:24:06 β« I got problems too, except that I'm not in my place like you β«
00:24:09 β« Sorry, but we're out of understanding here β«
00:24:11 β« But if you're looking for a box of beer β«
00:24:13 β« That's selling fast, won't you try a little pinch β«
00:24:15 β« While we'll never give it in β«
00:24:16 β« I'm tired of taking in β«
00:24:20 β« I'm tired of taking in β«
00:24:23 β« I'm tired of taking in β«
00:24:27 β« I feel like, feel like breaking in β«
00:24:31 β« I'm up there, I'm up there β«
00:24:32 I'm sorry, we could not address your screenplay at this time.
00:24:34 We are unable to read unsolicited screenplay.
00:24:36 At this time, we are understaffed and are unable to open your submission.
00:24:39 Our literary agency is unable to represent you at this time.
00:24:40 Please try again at a later date.
00:24:42 However, if you would like to resubmit your submission...
00:24:43 Thank you, and we wish you the best of luck.
00:24:46 β« I'm tired of taking in β«
00:24:49 β« I'm tired of taking in β«
00:24:53 β« I'm tired of taking in β«
00:24:56 β« I feel like, feel like breaking in β«
00:24:57 Can I tell you a joke?
00:24:58 Huh?
00:24:59 Hey, what's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
00:25:01 What?
00:25:02 45 pounds, yeah.
00:25:04 Hey, what's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
00:25:07 What?
00:25:08 45 minutes, yeah.
00:25:10 Good one.
00:25:12 Hey, how come you can't tell bankers any secrets?
00:25:15 Uh, why?
00:25:16 'Cause they're tellers, yeah.
00:25:18 Gotta remember that one.
00:25:20 Hey, how come roosters don't wear underwear?
00:25:22 I don't know.
00:25:24 Why?
00:25:24 'Cause their peck is on their faces.
00:25:26 Peck is on their face.
00:25:29 Hey, you guys actresses?
00:25:31 We're trying to be.
00:25:33 Oh, great, I'm a photographer. I'll make a deal for you. Two for one.
00:25:35 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:25:37 Right.
00:25:39 Yeah.
00:25:42 β« β« (THE BEACH HOUSE THEME 'WISH YOU WERE ME' BY CODY CRABB) β« β«
00:25:44 β« β« (THE BEACH HOUSE THEME 'WISH YOU WERE ME' BY CODY CRABB) β« β«
00:25:46 β« β« (THE BEACH HOUSE THEME 'WISH YOU WERE ME' BY CODY CRABB) β« β«
00:25:48 βͺ
00:25:55 A rash, a filth, a dream, just not the right.
00:26:04 A wish, a joke, just not the right.
00:26:10 Boy, it's impossible for us to give.
00:26:17 Girl, it's impossible for us to grow.
00:26:24 Boy, I'm tired.
00:26:28 I got it.
00:26:29 I got it!
00:26:30 βͺ
00:26:32 In the honor of our love.
00:26:35 Now I think I can work with you.
00:26:38 Really?
00:26:40 Thanks.
00:26:41 βͺ
00:26:46 Jane, do you think we're sort of selling ourselves out?
00:26:52 No, I don't think we've strived that high yet.
00:26:55 No, I'm serious.
00:26:56 Do you think we're sort of, you know,
00:26:58 pushing the sexy babe thing a little?
00:27:00 No.
00:27:02 No, Lily's right.
00:27:04 It's what this business is all about.
00:27:09 However, I do think you sell out when it comes to guys, though.
00:27:14 What the hell is that supposed to mean?
00:27:16 I mean, you've dated a couple of doozies
00:27:17 since we've been out here.
00:27:19 Why, because they're short?
00:27:20 No, not because they're short.
00:27:22 Because they're losers.
00:27:25 Did you just say what I think you said?
00:27:28 What the hell is my alternative?
00:27:30 Sit home like you and wait for the white knight
00:27:32 to sweep me off my feet?
00:27:33 Doesn't necessarily have to be white.
00:27:36 Well, you're going to be one lonely lady waiting for him.
00:27:42 I might be lonely, but I'm not desperate.
00:27:46 What did you say?
00:27:48 Nothing.
00:27:51 No, I heard you.
00:27:53 And how dare you make me feel inadequate
00:27:55 about my choice of men?
00:27:55 Yeah, and how dare you tell me to lower my standards?
00:27:58 What, am I not good enough?
00:28:00 Never said that.
00:28:01 Well, you didn't have to.
00:28:03 I'm simply pointing out the obvious.
00:28:06 Well, but if you're waiting for Mr. Perfect,
00:28:10 well, then you better put down your crack pipe.
00:28:12 Yeah, and I'm simply pointing out the obvious, too.
00:28:14 Oh, that you're dating a loser.
00:28:17 Well, fuck you.
00:28:20 I'm sick of you picking on my short boyfriends.
00:28:26 At least I have one.
00:28:27 Just tell him to take his stills off by the front door.
00:28:33 He's scuffing up the floor.
00:28:36 You know what I think?
00:28:38 I think you're just a little bit jealous,
00:28:40 because he's taking up all of my time.
00:28:43 That's what I think.
00:28:45 No, you're not my type.
00:28:47 I got it.
00:28:52 Why don't you deal with your life on your own terms,
00:28:54 and I'll deal with my life on mine?
00:28:56 Are you saying that we should go our own ways?
00:29:01 That's right, kiddo.
00:29:02 Well, I don't think I want to do that.
00:29:08 Well, I don't think I'd give a rat's ass.
00:29:11 Well, that's fine with me.
00:29:15 And fine with me, too.
00:29:16 Fine.
00:29:17 Fine.
00:29:18 Fine.
00:29:18 Well, fine.
00:29:20 Yoo-hoo!
00:29:22 Ladies, I loved your script.
00:29:25 Where's Jane?
00:29:27 She's in the shower.
00:29:28 You liked it?
00:29:28 Yes, I liked it.
00:29:29 I loved it.
00:29:30 Did you say you two wrote it?
00:29:32 Yes, Brian, we did.
00:29:33 Well, I'll be a monkey's ass, then.
00:29:35 Well, now there's a stretch.
00:29:36 [door creaks]
00:29:38 Hello, ladies.
00:29:39 Hi, girl.
00:29:40 Hey, Lily, what's going on?
00:29:41 I just kicked ass at a diapers commercial audition.
00:29:44 Dressed like that?
00:29:46 What'd you do, try to convince the casting director
00:29:48 you could breastfeed?
00:29:49 As a matter of fact, I did.
00:29:51 What are you doing?
00:29:52 You're mailing.
00:29:53 Very good.
00:29:53 Very good.
00:29:54 Yeah, the usual.
00:29:55 Just wasting my time and money, compromising my already
00:29:57 flagging standards.
00:29:58 Will you stop it?
00:30:01 Here.
00:30:03 Sorry, Brian.
00:30:03 Oh, that's OK.
00:30:04 You can share mine.
00:30:07 So I heard Jane's got a date with a photographer.
00:30:10 Yeah, she's getting ready right now.
00:30:11 I think this is pretty serious.
00:30:13 She's been in there for two hours.
00:30:14 Hey, Jane, banging a photographer, huh?
00:30:17 Shut it, Lily.
00:30:18 Is he cute?
00:30:19 I don't know.
00:30:20 All I can see was the top of his head.
00:30:21 And especially you.
00:30:23 Speak it ahead.
00:30:24 How's my manager working out for you?
00:30:26 Well, he sent us out on a "Twin Mint Gum" commercial.
00:30:27 [music - "twin mint gum"]
00:30:28 (RAPPING) Going out tonight, everything's all right.
00:30:30 In my black drop top, looking tight.
00:30:33 Stars shine bright, champagne glistening.
00:30:35 Sounds of a melody bumping my system.
00:30:37 My mission's complete.
00:30:39 Tonight could be the night, and I'm riding on the solo creek.
00:30:41 That's real.
00:30:42 Feel what I'm saying.
00:30:44 Parlaying as I'm swaying.
00:30:46 To the A-end with my seat reclined.
00:30:48 Rendezvous, bus to you, 'cause it's time to begin.
00:30:50 Wheels spinning, I'm rolling, getting gone.
00:30:53 In the wind and I'm coasting, roasting out.
00:30:55 Pumping ballet, can't chop that.
00:30:56 Are you her elder sister?
00:30:59 Get out of here, kid.
00:31:02 Thank you.
00:31:03 We had so much fun.
00:31:04 Thanks.
00:31:05 Thanks a lot.
00:31:06 You girls did a great job.
00:31:09 OK, next we've got Jane and Sherry Williams twins.
00:31:13 Jane and-- you guys got to be joking me, right?
00:31:18 [music - "gQ smooth"]
00:31:19 (RAPPING) I'm so up all night.
00:31:20 So I'm going to take a break.
00:31:21 I could have been Mr. GQ smooth staring at me.
00:31:24 Excite me, ready with night.
00:31:25 Huh?
00:31:26 Didn't get the call back.
00:31:28 Ah.
00:31:29 But I heard you had a big audition yesterday.
00:31:31 Oh.
00:31:32 So how'd it go?
00:31:35 I don't want to talk about it.
00:31:37 Oh.
00:31:38 OK.
00:31:38 [music - "gQ smooth"]
00:31:47 He was the only child in this isolated ward that was just
00:31:50 for patients with AIDS.
00:31:52 He had had a bad bout, but he was feeling a lot better.
00:31:54 And when I went to pick him up, he wasn't there.
00:31:59 I reacted.
00:32:01 And I stormed our hallway looking for anybody to hear.
00:32:05 [music - "gQ smooth"]
00:32:09 [inaudible]
00:32:10 [music - "gQ smooth"]
00:32:13 [inaudible]
00:32:14 [music - "gQ smooth"]
00:32:18 [inaudible]
00:32:19 [music - "gQ smooth"]
00:32:22 [inaudible]
00:32:23 [music - "gQ smooth"]
00:32:26 [inaudible]
00:32:29 [inaudible]
00:32:33 Here, I have been ashamed of what I should have been handling.
00:32:40 [music - "gQ smooth"]
00:32:43 I didn't ask for Big Bird to play the role.
00:32:46 Well, then I was like that.
00:32:48 You have to duck when she turns sideways.
00:32:51 Yeah.
00:32:52 We're looking for types of, say--
00:32:56 someone who looks like Gwyneth Paltrow, Winona Ryder.
00:32:59 You know, the ingenue.
00:33:01 OK?
00:33:02 But things, though.
00:33:05 Big Bird, huh?
00:33:06 OK.
00:33:07 Why don't you take this Big Bird and shove it up your ass,
00:33:10 where it's most comfortable.
00:33:11 [music - "gQ smooth"]
00:33:14 [inaudible]
00:33:15 [music - "gQ smooth"]
00:33:18 [inaudible]
00:33:19 [music - "gQ smooth"]
00:33:21 I don't want to talk about it.
00:33:23 [sobbing]
00:33:28 What's the matter with you?
00:33:31 Nothing.
00:33:32 I don't want to talk about it, OK?
00:33:34 Doesn't anybody want to talk about anything?
00:33:36 You know, Jane, I just got started with this really great therapist.
00:33:40 Well, Tony referred him to me, who got it from a friend of his.
00:33:44 But anyway, why don't you give him a call?
00:33:46 He's really terrific, and he's helped out a lot.
00:33:49 Yeah, we can see.
00:33:51 But give me the number anyway.
00:33:53 God knows I can use it.
00:33:55 God's not the only one.
00:33:56 Look, I don't need a string thank you.
00:33:59 Is that up for a vote?
00:34:01 Besides, it doesn't take a therapist to figure out that
00:34:03 Sherry's been acting like an asshole lately,
00:34:06 and I bombed yesterday's audition, OK?
00:34:10 [sobbing]
00:34:12 All right, Jane, well, you know, these things are hard to tell.
00:34:15 I mean, sometimes you have a bad audition,
00:34:17 and you end up booking the role.
00:34:19 Or you have a great audition, and you never hear from them again.
00:34:22 They're crazy, these casting people.
00:34:24 That's true, they are.
00:34:25 Well, I dated one once. Talk about screaming assholes.
00:34:28 Yeah?
00:34:29 Yeah. So go ahead. Tell us what happened.
00:34:32 OK. All right.
00:34:35 There I was, you know, really connecting to my piece
00:34:40 on a deep, emotional level.
00:34:44 I really prepared myself.
00:34:48 And he said it was near Christmas time, and could he come see us.
00:34:54 You said no, that he was drunk as usual.
00:34:59 He said if he couldn't see his little girl near Christmas time,
00:35:04 it wasn't worth living.
00:35:06 You said stop threatening when you don't mean it.
00:35:10 He said I do mean it.
00:35:13 And I'm going to kill him.
00:35:18 Myself.
00:35:21 You believed him enough to hand me the phone, Mama.
00:35:26 You said I'm going to go next door,
00:35:28 and you said you're going next door to call the police,
00:35:33 let you know where he was.
00:35:37 But then you said don't talk to him.
00:35:40 Why not?
00:35:42 Because he's drunk as usual.
00:35:43 Mama wanted to be fun.
00:35:45 And I don't want him talking to you under those circumstances,
00:35:48 no telling what he might say.
00:35:50 I'm going to drop him off at Francine's when I get home.
00:35:53 So I held on to the phone like you said, Mama.
00:35:56 He'll be fine too.
00:35:58 And I heard him say it.
00:36:00 OK.
00:36:03 Yeah. Why don't we get the next girl in here?
00:36:06 He said--
00:36:08 Jane, thanks.
00:36:11 I can send the next girl in.
00:36:13 Oh, she's pretty.
00:36:20 So you think I have a shot at it?
00:36:24 You might have a shot at it.
00:36:26 Yeah, sure.
00:36:28 I don't see why not.
00:36:31 What do I know?
00:36:32 Yeah.
00:36:34 [phone ringing]
00:36:35 Oh, I'll get that.
00:36:37 Hello?
00:36:39 Hey, Tony.
00:36:42 Yeah, you dirty bastard.
00:36:43 Yeah, hold on.
00:36:46 Hey, Tony.
00:36:48 You like the script.
00:36:50 He loved the script.
00:36:51 I told you.
00:36:52 A producer.
00:36:54 Yeah, yeah, the what hotel?
00:36:57 What did you say this producer's name was?
00:37:02 Mr. Slavenport, the producer?
00:37:05 Well, he's supposed to meet us in the lounge.
00:37:08 Yeah. Uh-huh.
00:37:11 I'll call.
00:37:12 Hold on.
00:37:16 Mr. Slavenport.
00:37:18 Yes.
00:37:20 You have two more here.
00:37:23 Uh-huh.
00:37:26 Uh-huh.
00:37:28 The usual.
00:37:30 OK. I'll send them up.
00:37:36 He says to take the elevator up to room 410.
00:37:39 It's right around the corner.
00:37:42 That's right.
00:37:46 I'll be right there.
00:37:48 [knocking]
00:37:53 Hi.
00:37:54 I was expecting you.
00:37:55 Come in.
00:37:57 βͺ βͺ
00:38:12 βͺ βͺ
00:38:22 βͺ βͺ
00:38:32 βͺ βͺ
00:38:38 Sorry, I'm Jane, and this is my twin sister, Sherry.
00:38:43 We're both actresses and writers.
00:38:47 And we wrote our own script.
00:38:51 We were referred to you by our manager, Tony D'Amato.
00:38:54 Yeah, I know.
00:38:56 The guy's a scumbag.
00:38:57 Don't trust him worth shit.
00:39:01 Well, the two of us wanted to propose a plan for a film
00:39:07 that we were hoping you might want to produce.
00:39:13 We have it right here in fact.
00:39:15 We were hoping you might want to take a look at it.
00:39:21 You know, whenever you have free time, of course.
00:39:30 Could you hand me one of those?
00:39:35 Right, of course.
00:39:46 Girls, I don't want to waste your time.
00:39:51 Now take a look at these.
00:39:54 Now I helped launch the career of all those beautiful women.
00:39:58 But you know what?
00:39:59 What?
00:40:00 They had to prove they were committed.
00:40:02 Committed?
00:40:03 That's right, committed.
00:40:05 Oh, you have our commitment, believe me.
00:40:07 We were afraid you weren't going to be committed to us.
00:40:09 Girls, I have had too many bad experiences with beautiful, sexy women such as yourselves,
00:40:18 pitching me on similar propositions.
00:40:20 You know, they all want to be stars in one way or another.
00:40:23 So I give them a shot.
00:40:25 Star on one of my movies.
00:40:27 And you know what?
00:40:28 No, what?
00:40:29 They up and they walk out on the deal.
00:40:31 Up and walk out?
00:40:32 I can't believe I'm going to have to go to the movies and drop a contract and sign it right now.
00:40:36 Take Roxanne, for instance.
00:40:38 I cast her in the lead in Veronica's Vegas.
00:40:41 Good title, original.
00:40:43 So she's on her way.
00:40:45 But she had to commit herself first.
00:40:48 Mr. Slavenport.
00:40:49 Dick.
00:40:51 Dick.
00:40:53 Dick, this is our movie we wrote.
00:40:55 I mean, we're even trying to get Steven Spiels, let's just say, a big name director to do this.
00:41:01 If you read our proposal, our script, we're 110% committed.
00:41:04 Ladies, bottom line.
00:41:07 I need you to prove that you're committed.
00:41:10 Now, every woman in this business has to.
00:41:13 And you are no exception.
00:41:17 Do you mind if I help myself?
00:41:20 Please.
00:41:22 [Music]
00:41:37 Now, where were we?
00:41:39 We were talking about commitment.
00:41:41 That's right.
00:41:43 So a drop of contract.
00:41:45 Girls, let me get straight to the point.
00:41:49 Two lovers are bound together.
00:41:53 Having proven their commitment to one another by the simple and pleasurable act of lovemaking.
00:42:02 Look here, we don't need to go there, okay?
00:42:05 Let's talk figures.
00:42:06 Precisely.
00:42:08 She means money.
00:42:10 Lots and lots of money.
00:42:12 Dick.
00:42:13 Ladies, I got all the money in the world.
00:42:16 I don't need your money.
00:42:18 What I need is your commitment.
00:42:21 Oh, and trust me, you'll be satisfied.
00:42:26 It's a tough choice, but I think we're going to pass.
00:42:31 [Music]
00:42:55 I'll be right back.
00:42:57 [Music]
00:43:06 I thought you'd reconsider.
00:43:08 In fact, I did.
00:43:10 Come here, big boy.
00:43:11 All right.
00:43:12 [Music]
00:43:18 You're right.
00:43:19 I am satisfied.
00:43:21 [Music]
00:43:44 That fucking pig.
00:43:46 Yeah, no kidding.
00:43:50 Does he think we are stupid?
00:43:54 Fucking idiot.
00:43:56 Why isn't he calling me back?
00:44:00 You know, I think that dirty bastard's seen one of his other girls.
00:44:05 I don't know.
00:44:06 Maybe it's all in my head.
00:44:11 That little bitch.
00:44:13 Copying a prima donna attitude with pig.
00:44:16 [Music]
00:44:35 They were stupid enough to come into my motel room.
00:44:37 Guy's a prick.
00:44:40 But he owed me a favor.
00:44:42 Man's got to try.
00:44:44 But he ain't some business.
00:44:48 [Coughing]
00:44:55 Prick.
00:44:58 Hey, Lily, it's Sherry.
00:44:59 How's it going?
00:45:00 Hey, you got some time tonight to meet me at the brass--
00:45:02 To meet me at the brass bar?
00:45:04 Oh, I don't know.
00:45:07 Say, uh, sometime around 7 o'clock?
00:45:10 7 o'clock.
00:45:11 Drinks on me.
00:45:12 Yeah.
00:45:13 Yeah.
00:45:15 Yeah.
00:45:17 Hello.
00:45:18 Hi.
00:45:25 Okay, Lily.
00:45:28 Oh, how am I going to say this?
00:45:31 Oh, I hate this shit.
00:45:33 I am so pissed off I can barely speak.
00:45:37 Okay, Travis.
00:45:38 You look me in the eye and you tell me that I didn't see you with the pink pony kissing another boy.
00:45:43 Boy, oh, boy, I got something I want to ask you, Jane.
00:45:46 One second.
00:45:50 Okay, Lily.
00:45:52 I'm just going to come straight out with it.
00:45:54 I want to break up with you.
00:45:56 Tony's cheating on you.
00:45:59 I want to marry you.
00:46:01 What?
00:46:03 What the hell are you talking about?
00:46:06 No.
00:46:08 It's Jane, isn't it?
00:46:10 No.
00:46:11 No, no, even she never dated that two-timing loser.
00:46:15 I mean, no.
00:46:17 No, it's not Jane.
00:46:19 Look, I stopped by his office the other day, right after he called me.
00:46:27 Tony.
00:46:29 So sorry.
00:46:31 Hi, how are you both?
00:46:33 I see you're getting head shots together.
00:46:37 Brilliant.
00:46:38 Well, I'll just leave my head shots outside the door.
00:46:43 Nice to meet you.
00:46:52 Oh, God.
00:46:55 I knew it.
00:46:57 I just knew it.
00:46:59 That good for nothing lousy lay, that bastard.
00:47:02 Bitch.
00:47:03 Take you back, huh?
00:47:05 The answer is no.
00:47:09 I can't.
00:47:10 I want to, sort of.
00:47:13 Maybe it's just that.
00:47:16 I'm sorry.
00:47:17 I'm sorry.
00:47:19 I'm sorry.
00:47:22 I'm sorry.
00:47:25 I'm sorry.
00:47:27 *Intoxication's got me undocumented*
00:47:33 *I am crazy, crazy*
00:47:35 *It's all the same to me*
00:47:38 *My liberation testament*
00:47:42 *Emancipation keeps me sleazy, sleazy*
00:47:46 *It's all the same to me*
00:47:54 *I've been waiting for too long*
00:47:57 *It made me cruel, it made me wrong*
00:47:59 *I don't want no fantasy*
00:48:01 *Discretion's not right next to me*
00:48:03 *So maybe I'll regret tomorrow*
00:48:05 *Cause I'll just forget*
00:48:06 *Caught in tragic selfishness*
00:48:08 *Your empathy, my disrespect*
00:48:10 *Intoxication's got me undocumented*
00:48:20 *I am crazy, crazy*
00:48:22 *It's all the same to me*
00:48:24 *To me*
00:48:26 *My liberation testament*
00:48:29 *Emancipation keeps me sleazy, sleazy*
00:48:32 *It's all the same to me*
00:48:34 *I've been waiting for too long*
00:48:43 *It made me cruel, it made me wrong*
00:48:45 *I don't want no fantasy*
00:48:47 *Discretion's not right next to me*
00:48:49 *So maybe I'll regret tomorrow*
00:48:51 *Cause I'll just forget*
00:48:52 *Caught in tragic selfishness*
00:48:54 *Your empathy, my disrespect*
00:48:56 *Intoxication's got me undocumented*
00:49:20 *I am crazy, crazy*
00:49:22 *It's all the same to me*
00:49:24 *I've been waiting for too long*
00:49:33 *It made me cruel, it made me wrong*
00:49:35 What?
00:49:38 You sent Playboy that picture?
00:49:40 Yeah.
00:49:42 For the W Pleasure Twin Issue?
00:49:49 Yeah, the...
00:49:50 The Twin Issue, yeah.
00:49:52 And let me get this straight.
00:49:55 We have an appointment right after work.
00:49:58 That's right.
00:50:01 Oh, this is wonderful.
00:50:07 Knock it off, Junior.
00:50:11 Hi, what can I get you folks?
00:50:13 Yeah, let me get two Cokes and four waters.
00:50:15 I'll take a white Zinfandel.
00:50:17 Oh, and making $30 a lunch is better.
00:50:19 I'm sorry, was that a Coke or a 7-Up?
00:50:22 I said a white Zinfandel.
00:50:24 Should've guessed.
00:50:25 I don't know.
00:50:26 Our friends and family seeing us rub asses together just doesn't quite sit well with me.
00:50:31 I'm sorry, what did you say?
00:50:34 Two Cokes and four waters.
00:50:37 Refills for free.
00:50:38 Put it out, Patsy.
00:50:43 I didn't say we'd take the job.
00:50:45 I just thought it might help us break into, well, if you haven't noticed, our non-existing acting careers.
00:50:50 Oh, come on.
00:50:51 Now that's retarded.
00:50:52 It's real smooth, Sherry.
00:51:02 Real fucking smooth.
00:51:05 You wanted a what?
00:51:07 I said a refills for free.
00:51:10 Stop it, Maggie.
00:51:12 Fucking unbelievable.
00:51:13 Uh, and?
00:51:14 No, not you.
00:51:15 No, that's brilliant, Einstein, and while we're at it, why don't we hook ourselves to keep a roof over our heads?
00:51:20 Come.
00:51:21 What is wrong with this bitch?
00:51:23 I told you I asked not to come to this white conference.
00:51:25 You should've gone to Roscoe.
00:51:26 That's what I'm saying.
00:51:27 That's what I'm saying.
00:51:28 That's what I'm saying.
00:51:29 Stop it, Maggie.
00:51:30 I told y'all.
00:51:31 What, man, y'all said y'all wanted a hot take.
00:51:33 That's Eric's fault.
00:51:34 Okay, Sherry, and at the fine rate we're going, we'll be slinging burgers for the next 20 years.
00:51:39 Now, what the hell do you want already?
00:51:42 [laughing]
00:51:45 Funny!
00:51:46 Funny!
00:51:47 [laughing]
00:51:51 Funny!
00:51:52 Funny!
00:51:54 [laughing]
00:51:59 Terrific.
00:52:01 You go your way, and I'll go mine.
00:52:03 Oh, and miss her Playboy appointment?
00:52:05 Yeah, and fuck you, too.
00:52:07 Love.
00:52:10 Love is what comes to mind when I think of those two.
00:52:13 Oh, they can be stupid at times.
00:52:16 But I love those girls.
00:52:19 I love them!
00:52:24 I love them!
00:52:25 I love them!
00:52:26 I love you.
00:52:28 I love you.
00:52:30 I love you.
00:52:32 I love you.
00:52:33 [music]
00:52:37 [music]
00:52:41 [music]
00:52:45 [music]
00:52:49 [music]
00:52:52 [music]
00:52:56 [music]
00:53:00 [music]
00:53:04 [music]
00:53:08 [music]
00:53:12 [music]
00:53:17 [music]
00:53:20 So, after they were fired, I couldn't stay at TJ's without my best friends.
00:53:25 So Sherry and I got a job at this place called Tony's Topless.
00:53:28 Well, we didn't go topless. We wore these...
00:53:33 Well, it was good money anyway.
00:53:35 Jane, well, she ended up at this joint called Domino's Deli.
00:53:40 Excellent burgers.
00:53:45 And remember, the customer gets anything they want.
00:53:49 Okay?
00:53:51 Right, of course.
00:53:52 Now, here's our breakfast menu.
00:53:55 Just breakfast?
00:53:57 We also have a separate menu for lunch and one for dinner.
00:54:00 All of which have to be memorized.
00:54:01 Okay?
00:54:02 Of course.
00:54:04 Now make sure you ask the following ten questions with each egg order.
00:54:07 It's on the test.
00:54:09 Test?
00:54:10 How would you like your eggs?
00:54:12 Whole, egg or white only? One, two, or three? A combo? Wet or dry?
00:54:14 What kind of toast would you like?
00:54:15 White, wheat, seventh grade, pepper, nickel, rye, marble, raisin, challah, English muffin, or bagel?
00:54:19 Would you like cream cheese, butter, peanut butter, or jam?
00:54:21 Would you like potatoes, tomatoes, or cottage cheese?
00:54:23 And if potatoes, mashed, baked, or fried?
00:54:25 Would you like freshness, spiced juice with that?
00:54:27 Orange juice, or grapefruit juice? Small or large?
00:54:29 Coffee, tea, whiskey, milk, or cream?
00:54:31 I think that was 11.
00:54:32 Oh, and you don't have to worry about the sugar choices.
00:54:34 It's on the table.
00:54:35 Oh, we just got set. Let's go.
00:54:38 Hi, you have Team Mary Ann working with you today. What can I get you folks?
00:54:43 I'll take a cheese almond.
00:54:45 Great. One, two, or three eggs?
00:54:46 Two.
00:54:48 Cheddar, Swiss, American, provolone, blue, ricotta, farmer, parmesan, brie, mozzarella, or jack?
00:54:51 Cheddar.
00:54:53 Whole, egg or white only?
00:54:54 Whole.
00:54:55 Pancake style or closed?
00:54:56 Closed.
00:54:57 Well or runny?
00:54:58 Runny.
00:54:59 How about toast? White, wheat, seventh grade, pepper, nickel, rye, marble, raisin, challah, English muffin, or bagel?
00:55:03 Bagel.
00:55:04 Plain, water, egg, raisin, cinnamon, poppy seed, blueberry, or everything?
00:55:08 Poppy seed.
00:55:09 Cream cheese, butter, peanut butter, or jam?
00:55:10 Butter.
00:55:11 On it or on the side?
00:55:12 On the side, I guess.
00:55:13 Great. Cottage cheese, potatoes, or tomatoes?
00:55:15 Potatoes.
00:55:16 Mash, baked, or fried?
00:55:17 Fried.
00:55:18 Would you like fresh, sweet, orange, cheese, or grapefruit juice?
00:55:19 OJ.
00:55:20 Large or small?
00:55:21 Small.
00:55:22 Ice or no ice?
00:55:23 No ice.
00:55:24 Coffee, tea?
00:55:25 Coffee.
00:55:26 Regular milk?
00:55:27 Black.
00:55:28 Ice or no ice?
00:55:29 Hot.
00:55:30 Great. And how about you?
00:55:31 I'd like a turkey club sandwich, hon.
00:55:32 But could I get mayo on the side?
00:55:34 We can get you whatever you want.
00:55:37 Be right back.
00:55:40 Okay, Jane, now here's our computer.
00:55:45 Gets stuck sometimes.
00:55:49 Okay.
00:55:50 Now, first we put our card through.
00:55:53 Then press number one.
00:55:55 Now, enter once, press five.
00:55:57 Enter twice, press seven.
00:55:58 Enter once, press three.
00:55:59 No, wait!
00:56:00 Press two seconds, then press six.
00:56:03 Now, enter twice, key up, arrow over, then print three, then hit one,
00:56:06 then key up, arrow over, then again, then print ticket, okay?
00:56:09 We just got zapped.
00:56:10 Here we go.
00:56:12 Johnny Arthur Waiter went home sick, so you're filling in for him.
00:56:26 Consider this your test.
00:56:29 [βͺβͺβͺ]
00:56:32 Hi.
00:56:39 What can I get you?
00:56:41 Can I get a BLT, leave the lettuce and tomato, and can you add chicken, please?
00:56:46 We can get you whatever you want.
00:56:53 Are you going to go take Table 21's order,
00:56:57 or should they go to the kitchen and fend for themselves?
00:57:04 Give me some more coffee.
00:57:06 Mother will have the hamburger.
00:57:08 Medium.
00:57:09 Better make it rare so we can get out of here sometime today.
00:57:12 My espresso, please, before I fall asleep.
00:57:15 Honey, we're not dealing with a rocket scientist.
00:57:17 Sounds a little stupid after I say that.
00:57:19 Ma'am, my kid don't like his burger.
00:57:21 It's cooked too well.
00:57:23 It tastes like shit.
00:57:25 You eat it.
00:57:26 Is there a charge for this extra cheese?
00:57:29 I asked for soda.
00:57:31 I still believe in something.
00:57:34 [crowd gasping]
00:57:37 It's a hamburger.
00:57:42 It's in my food.
00:57:43 Keep eating your goddamn food before Christmas.
00:57:46 Okay.
00:57:48 [βͺβͺβͺ]
00:57:55 [βͺβͺβͺ]
00:57:58 [βͺβͺβͺ]
00:58:02 [βͺβͺβͺ]
00:58:05 [βͺβͺβͺ]
00:58:09 [βͺβͺβͺ]
00:58:12 [βͺβͺβͺ]
00:58:16 [βͺβͺβͺ]
00:58:19 [βͺβͺβͺ]
00:58:44 Jane.
00:58:46 You awake?
00:58:49 Now I am.
00:58:51 Sorry.
00:58:53 Jane.
00:59:01 Huh?
00:59:04 Nothing.
00:59:10 [βͺβͺβͺ]
00:59:13 Jane.
00:59:17 What?
00:59:22 Remember when we were little and we couldn't sleep at night?
00:59:24 Mom would let us sleep with her for a couple hours.
00:59:26 Oh, no.
00:59:28 Do you mind moving over?
00:59:29 Making a little room for me in your bed.
00:59:31 I'd prefer if you didn't.
00:59:32 Oh, come on.
00:59:34 Move over.
00:59:36 I'm a little uncomfortable with this.
00:59:38 Really, don't bother.
00:59:40 Oh, be quiet. Move over.
00:59:43 I just want to apologize.
00:59:45 Come on. Give me a hug.
00:59:47 A handshake would do just fine.
00:59:49 Oh, be quiet. Give me a hug.
00:59:52 βͺ People let me tell you about my best friend βͺ
00:59:58 Okay, I'm good with this.
01:00:00 Okay, well, sorry I've been acting like such a jerk lately.
01:00:03 Now there's an understatement.
01:00:05 Now you aren't exactly a bowl of cherries either.
01:00:07 Nah.
01:00:09 I guess I wasn't.
01:00:11 You pissed I walked off the job?
01:00:13 No.
01:00:14 You would have been fired eventually.
01:00:16 Thanks.
01:00:20 Sorry about the fight the other day.
01:00:22 Which one?
01:00:23 You know, shorty.
01:00:26 At least you'll always wear comfortable shoes.
01:00:28 [laughing]
01:00:30 It's not that funny.
01:00:37 No, no, not that.
01:00:39 I just can't believe it.
01:00:42 A nowhere scholarship to law school.
01:00:45 And I had a full scholarship too.
01:00:50 And we gave it all up just for a shot in the dark.
01:00:56 What was that lame story you were telling me about?
01:01:01 Which one, which one?
01:01:03 About the fire engine lift.
01:01:05 [laughing]
01:01:07 The little red fire engine that could.
01:01:11 [laughing]
01:01:13 Christ, that was stupid.
01:01:20 What the hell were we thinking?
01:01:22 I don't know.
01:01:24 We threw it all away.
01:01:26 Oh no.
01:01:28 Oh God.
01:01:30 Oh God, come here.
01:01:32 I'm right here.
01:01:34 I saw your light on it.
01:01:36 Okay.
01:01:41 Now this is a little weird.
01:01:43 Even for my taste.
01:01:48 [music]
01:01:52 [door closing]
01:01:54 Oh, I'm sorry.
01:02:09 I didn't mean to frighten you.
01:02:11 I just happened to notice that you were doing the exercising properly.
01:02:14 I was?
01:02:16 Yes, actually you were.
01:02:18 Do you mind if I show you?
01:02:20 No.
01:02:22 No, of course not.
01:02:24 Let me show you. Do you mind?
01:02:26 No.
01:02:28 No, no, no. Of course not.
01:02:30 See the difference now?
01:02:40 Why don't you put your hands across my chest, see if you can feel the difference.
01:02:48 Okay.
01:02:50 Right here?
01:02:54 Right there.
01:02:56 Do you feel it now?
01:02:58 Not yet.
01:03:02 Keep going.
01:03:06 Okay, I'm starting to feel it now.
01:03:14 Wait.
01:03:17 Right there.
01:03:19 I'm in love with you.
01:03:25 This whole thing was just a lame excuse to get to talk to you.
01:03:29 Talk to me?
01:03:31 Yes.
01:03:33 I've been watching you.
01:03:35 You're kidding.
01:03:37 No, I'm dead serious.
01:03:39 I've been watching you for a while.
01:03:41 Watching me for a while?
01:03:43 This is unbelievable.
01:03:45 I can't even imagine myself in here.
01:03:47 You've been watching me?
01:03:49 I've been watching you.
01:03:51 You have no idea.
01:03:53 Since the day I laid my eyes on you, I...
01:03:57 Oh no, wait.
01:04:01 How do you know you weren't watching her?
01:04:03 Who?
01:04:05 Her, her. My twin sister.
01:04:07 Oh, no.
01:04:09 Cute, isn't she? She always did good all the time.
01:04:11 Shh.
01:04:13 I won't.
01:04:15 Come here.
01:04:17 Kiss me.
01:04:19 Now,
01:04:29 are you coming yet?
01:04:31 Well, not exactly.
01:04:33 What do you mean, not exactly?
01:04:35 Are you coming yet or not?
01:04:37 Huh?
01:04:39 Are you coming or not? Come on, let's go. Move it out.
01:04:41 Anthony Robbins.
01:04:43 This is really distracting.
01:05:07 Let me get rid of him.
01:05:09 Okay, alright, I'll be right there.
01:05:11 Give me a second.
01:05:13 What took you so long?
01:05:17 Do you have the help on that section?
01:05:19 Yeah, come in. It's on the table.
01:05:21 Baby, we got company.
01:05:23 Put some shorts on.
01:05:25 (woman singing)
01:05:27 What the hell was that?
01:05:37 (woman crying)
01:05:39 He set my heat up, Candace.
01:05:41 What the hell is going on?
01:05:43 (woman crying)
01:05:45 (man singing)
01:05:57 (man singing)
01:05:59 (man singing)
01:06:01 (man singing)
01:06:03 (man singing)
01:06:05 (man singing)
01:06:07 (man singing)
01:06:09 (man singing)
01:06:11 (man singing)
01:06:13 (man singing)
01:06:15 (man singing)
01:06:17 (man singing)
01:06:45 We'll take it.
01:06:47 Hello, everybody.
01:06:51 I would like you to meet
01:06:53 my two very best friends in the whole world.
01:06:55 Sherry and Jane.
01:06:57 (applause)
01:06:59 Sherry and Jane,
01:07:03 welcome to the Vitalife family!
01:07:05 (applause)
01:07:07 (applause)
01:07:09 Hi.
01:07:29 Okay.
01:07:31 Welcome, Jane and Sherry to Vitalife.
01:07:33 We are very proud to have you aboard.
01:07:35 Okay.
01:07:37 Before we begin, we'd like to get all psyched up
01:07:39 and hear about this month's champions.
01:07:41 (audience gasping)
01:07:43 Malik.
01:07:45 Hi. My name is Malik.
01:07:47 My sales are up $1,000 this month!
01:07:49 (applause)
01:07:51 I love you, America!
01:07:55 I love you, America!
01:07:57 Thank you, thank you, thank you.
01:07:59 Hey, I'm Matt.
01:08:01 (laughs)
01:08:03 Um...
01:08:05 I don't think I've lost any weight,
01:08:07 but it's the best fuckin' high
01:08:09 I've ever had.
01:08:11 (cheers)
01:08:13 Hi!
01:08:15 I'm Bobby.
01:08:17 I lost 14 pounds in 15 minutes!
01:08:19 (cheers)
01:08:21 And I've never been more energetic
01:08:25 in my life!
01:08:27 I love you, America!
01:08:29 βͺ You said
01:08:31 βͺ You just wanna do what's right
01:08:33 βͺ Well, get it on
01:08:35 βͺ You said
01:08:37 βͺ You only wanna dance all night
01:08:39 βͺ Well, come along
01:08:41 βͺ Ain't nobody gonna stop you
01:08:45 βͺ Movin' to the beat, top
01:08:47 βͺ Nobody will haunt you for a minute
01:08:49 βͺ You'll see
01:08:51 βͺ If you got a feelin'
01:08:53 βͺ Pop it from the ceilin'
01:08:55 βͺ 'Cause dancin''s just a measure of a response
01:08:57 βͺ To what you're feelin'
01:08:59 βͺ So dance all night
01:09:01 - You know,
01:09:03 when David Koresh went down and all,
01:09:05 I didn't know what I was gonna do.
01:09:07 But I got me a new family!
01:09:09 My Vital Eye family!
01:09:11 (cheers)
01:09:13 Are you ready, everybody?
01:09:15 (cheers)
01:09:17 Who are we? - The Vital Eye!
01:09:19 - What do we thrive on? - Life!
01:09:21 - What's it to me? - Life!
01:09:23 - Yeah! - That's right!
01:09:25 - Who are we? - The Vital Eye!
01:09:27 - What do we thrive on? - Life!
01:09:29 - What's it to me? - It's vital!
01:09:31 - Shout it to your husband! - Life!
01:09:33 - What do we thrive on? - Life!
01:09:35 - What's it to me? - It's vital!
01:09:37 - Shout it to your husband! - Life!
01:09:39 - Who are we? - The Vital Eye!
01:09:41 - What do we thrive on? - Life!
01:09:43 (upbeat music)
01:09:55 - Read aloud.
01:09:57 Use inflection when needed.
01:09:59 Brand new theme restaurant opening called "Live."
01:10:03 Needed top waitresses, bartenders,
01:10:05 hostesses, and runners. Owned in part by
01:10:07 Brooke and Company.
01:10:09 And director mogul Steven Spilstein?
01:10:11 Spilstein's opening up
01:10:13 a restaurant? You're kidding.
01:10:15 - Jane, your interview's at 3 p.m. sharp today.
01:10:17 Sherry, 3.30. Don't be late.
01:10:19 My interview's in a half hour.
01:10:21 Get yourselves ready.
01:10:23 Don't fuck this up.
01:10:25 (upbeat music)
01:10:27 - She's the best.
01:10:31 - So,
01:10:37 there we were. The night we got
01:10:39 hired. Three of us acting like
01:10:41 a bunch of fucking morons.
01:10:43 (upbeat music)
01:10:45 - You know, you really don't need a new car.
01:10:47 - A little shirt and a car car, boy.
01:10:49 - You know what, I'm gonna make a toast.
01:10:51 (laughing)
01:10:53 - He's a big guy.
01:10:55 - Alright, I'm making a toast.
01:10:57 - Alright, to my
01:10:59 best friend. A friendship
01:11:01 based on
01:11:03 kindness and trust
01:11:05 and love.
01:11:07 A friendship I'll always cherish.
01:11:09 And to me, who
01:11:11 finally got us a fucking shot at meeting
01:11:13 this Spilstein.
01:11:15 (cheering)
01:11:17 - That's a game.
01:11:19 - That's a game.
01:11:21 - So,
01:11:23 shortly after that hangover,
01:11:25 we started our training at Live.
01:11:27 Spilstein's new restaurant.
01:11:29 We worked our asses
01:11:31 off getting ready for opening night.
01:11:33 The night we meet this guy.
01:11:35 We were fucking
01:11:37 psyched. - Dear lord,
01:11:39 as you know,
01:11:41 we've been busting our asses trying to get our
01:11:43 shit together to meet this Mr. Spilstein.
01:11:45 Please, dear god,
01:11:47 understand that we've been working long
01:11:49 and hard.
01:11:51 Speaking of which, god forgive me for
01:11:53 my affair with Tony Jesus, his poor wife.
01:11:55 - Lily, will you get to the point here?
01:11:57 - Right. Where was I?
01:11:59 - Working hard.
01:12:01 - Right. God,
01:12:03 grant me the serenity to accept the things I
01:12:05 cannot change, the courage to
01:12:07 change the things we can. And the wisdom
01:12:09 once in a while to get the hell out of this god damn business.
01:12:11 Amen. - Amen.
01:12:13 - Amen. God
01:12:15 help us. Let's go.
01:12:17 [music]
01:12:19 Hold your head up. You're a king.
01:12:25 [music]
01:12:27 [music]
01:12:29 (upbeat music)
01:12:32 (upbeat music)
01:12:34 (upbeat music)
01:12:37 (upbeat music)
01:12:39 (upbeat music)
01:12:42 (upbeat music)
01:12:47 (upbeat music)
01:12:53 (upbeat music)
01:12:58 (upbeat music)
01:13:07 (upbeat music)
01:13:10 (upbeat music)
01:13:15 (upbeat music)
01:13:20 (upbeat music)
01:13:26 (laughing)
01:13:35 (upbeat music)
01:13:37 (upbeat music)
01:13:50 (laughing)
01:14:00 - Oh, thank you.
01:14:01 I've got it.
01:14:02 - No, no, no, I've got it.
01:14:04 It's my job.
01:14:05 - No, I've got it.
01:14:06 - I've got it.
01:14:07 - You're, I've got it.
01:14:07 - No, no, no.
01:14:08 - I'm fine.
01:14:09 - No, no, I got it.
01:14:10 - No, I.
01:14:11 (upbeat music)
01:14:13 βͺ Just give me βͺ
01:14:27 βͺ A little βͺ
01:14:30 βͺ Atomic bomb βͺ
01:14:33 βͺ So I can breathe βͺ
01:14:36 βͺ A little deeper βͺ
01:14:39 βͺ So I can taste βͺ
01:14:42 βͺ A little sweeter βͺ
01:14:45 βͺ I've had enough βͺ
01:14:48 βͺ Pass the cup βͺ
01:14:51 βͺ I've had enough βͺ
01:14:54 βͺ Pass the cup βͺ
01:14:57 βͺ I've had enough βͺ
01:15:00 βͺ Pass the cup βͺ
01:15:03 βͺ A shallow grave βͺ
01:15:06 βͺ A winter's day βͺ
01:15:09 βͺ So send me one βͺ
01:15:12 βͺ Before someone else βͺ
01:15:17 βͺ Does βͺ
01:15:19 (upbeat music)
01:15:21 βͺ Just give me βͺ
01:15:27 βͺ A little βͺ
01:15:30 βͺ Atomic bomb βͺ
01:15:35 βͺ And I'll be fine βͺ
01:15:39 βͺ Just give me βͺ
01:15:50 βͺ A little βͺ
01:15:53 βͺ Atomic bomb βͺ
01:15:58 - It's over.
01:16:00 (indistinct)
01:16:03 I know.
01:16:04 (upbeat music)
01:16:07 (indistinct)
01:16:22 - So much for your fire engine theory.
01:16:24 - Yeah, yeah, I know.
01:16:26 There's always the peace corps.
01:16:31 I guess I'll say yes to Sam.
01:16:36 - Nothing.
01:16:40 - I don't want it.
01:16:46 - Lousy script.
01:16:50 (upbeat music)
01:16:53 βͺ Thought I knew you βͺ
01:16:56 βͺ Didn't understand friends βͺ
01:17:00 βͺ Friends are cold βͺ
01:17:05 βͺ Now I am torn βͺ
01:17:08 βͺ Gave roses, you gave thorns βͺ
01:17:11 βͺ Sister, goodbye βͺ
01:17:13 βͺ Goodbye βͺ
01:17:18 βͺ I needed you βͺ
01:17:21 βͺ Believed in you βͺ
01:17:23 βͺ I βͺ
01:17:25 βͺ I'm at a loss βͺ
01:17:30 βͺ Who can I count on βͺ
01:17:33 βͺ You're here and now you're gone βͺ
01:17:36 βͺ Sister, goodbye βͺ
01:17:38 βͺ Goodbye βͺ
01:17:43 βͺ I forgive you βͺ
01:17:45 βͺ It's only a part βͺ
01:17:48 - Dr. Williams, emergency.
01:17:58 Dr. Williams, emergency.
01:18:00 (laughing)
01:18:08 (laughing)
01:18:11 (indistinct)
01:18:15 - Great.
01:18:16 Fucking great.
01:18:19 Who wrote this?
01:18:22 There's no name on it.
01:18:29 No god damn fucking name.
01:18:32 (laughing)
01:18:35 (indistinct)
01:18:41 Oh shit.
01:18:44 (upbeat music)
01:18:47 βͺ Let's take a drive tonight βͺ
01:19:06 βͺ We'll buy a pack of cigarettes βͺ
01:19:11 βͺ And drink all night βͺ
01:19:14 βͺ Let's take a trip tonight βͺ
01:19:22 βͺ Into a psychedelic morning βͺ
01:19:27 βͺ Beneath the California sky βͺ
01:19:30 βͺ To the ocean βͺ
01:19:34 βͺ Deep and blue βͺ
01:19:40 βͺ To the ocean βͺ
01:19:42 βͺ Just me and you βͺ
01:19:46 βͺ Let's take a drive tonight βͺ
01:19:54 βͺ Down a breezy highway βͺ
01:19:59 βͺ And feel all right βͺ
01:20:01 βͺ That's right βͺ
01:20:04 βͺ Let's take a trip tonight βͺ
01:20:10 βͺ We are to oblivion βͺ
01:20:14 βͺ We are to oblivion βͺ
01:20:16 βͺ Until we see βͺ
01:20:17 - So that's the whole story.
01:20:20 And since my divorce, well, I'm a chap here now.
01:20:24 The two of us are a lot closer again.
01:20:26 And now that I'm back,
01:20:27 I have a whole new perspective on life.
01:20:29 I know what's important to me.
01:20:31 Oh, and Doc, I don't think I'm gonna need any more medication.
01:20:35 How about you?
01:20:36 - No, feeling pretty good.
01:20:38 I think that'd be my last prescription too.
01:20:40 (phone ringing)
01:20:41 - Oh, excuse me, Doc.
01:20:43 Is that you?
01:20:44 - Hello? - Hello?
01:20:45 - Not mine.
01:20:46 - Yes, this is Jane.
01:20:47 Yeah, the two of us wrote a screenplay, yeah.
01:20:51 I'm sorry, Lily from the Weinberg Agency sent you what?
01:20:57 - She did.
01:21:00 - I'm sorry, this is who?
01:21:02 - Oh God.
01:21:06 Who is it?
01:21:09 - Oh God, I am so sorry about your,
01:21:12 I'm still having nightmares about it.
01:21:14 I mean, is everything working okay?
01:21:16 Can you pee?
01:21:17 And you know.
01:21:19 - Who is it?
01:21:20 - It's, it's, it's Stephen.
01:21:25 - Stephen?
01:21:28 - It's Stephen.
01:21:30 (upbeat music)
01:21:33 βͺ Let's take a drive tonight βͺ
01:21:55 βͺ We'll buy a pack of cigarettes βͺ
01:21:59 βͺ And drink all night βͺ
01:22:02 βͺ Let's take a trip tonight βͺ
01:22:09 βͺ Into a psychedelic morning βͺ
01:22:14 βͺ Beneath the California sky βͺ
01:22:18 βͺ To the ocean βͺ
01:22:22 Just you and I (x5)
01:22:41 You and I
01:22:44 [BLANK_AUDIO]