The Reset Room - creating a positive mental attitude
The award-winning podcast The Reset Room returns for a new series with host Kelly being joined by resident expert Amana Walker to talk about how to form a positive mental attitude.
Transcript
00:00 Hello, I'm Kelly Crichton and this is the Reset Room.
00:04 We're back for series three of our now award-winning podcast.
00:09 I am pleased to say.
00:10 You've not listened before.
00:12 We are here to give you the tools you need to succeed
00:14 and answer your questions on your journey to fulfillment.
00:17 Today, we're starting the new series on the right foot and talking about
00:21 how to build a positive mental attitude.
00:24 I'm very pleased to say I'll be joined by one of our resident experts,
00:27 Kay Woodburn or Amina Walker each week to look at a specific area
00:31 of personal challenge and how best to approach it.
00:34 Later in the podcast, we'll hear directly from listeners
00:37 looking for some advice around a challenge they're facing,
00:40 and we will certainly do what we can to help them address that.
00:43 I'm also delighted to say we are coming to a small screen near you.
00:47 The Reset Room will be broadcast on Shots, which is a free view channel
00:51 number 276. Shots is brought to you by a network of journalists
00:55 from across the country who are transforming stories
00:57 at the heart of your community into great TV.
01:00 You'll find true crime stories, football news and analysis,
01:04 plus coverage of lifestyle, TV, film and more.
01:07 But back to the podcast, I'm very pleased to say the wonderful
01:11 Amina Walker is back with me once again to kick off series three.
01:15 Amina has 27 years of coaching experience and has seen it all
01:20 when it comes to personal challenges and helping people perform
01:24 under the pressures we face in life.
01:26 Amina regularly coaches people in the spotlight and in high profile
01:28 positions in business, entertainment and sport.
01:31 Amina, it's great to have you back. How are you?
01:33 I am good. And you know what?
01:36 It's so good to be back. Oh, yeah.
01:38 And to be able to give listeners something to think about and some tips
01:42 and, you know, just help for free. Who wouldn't want that?
01:45 Exactly. I bet you've been storing up all this advice for them
01:48 since the last series, so I can't wait for us to get started.
01:52 So down to business.
01:54 Can you talk us through just exactly what having a positive
01:58 mental attitude really means as we hear about it all the time?
02:01 And maybe there's a bit more to it than just going around smiling at everybody.
02:03 Yes, there is a misconception and the misconception is this cheesy thing
02:09 that is, you know, unreal and nobody can do it.
02:12 But what it really is, it's based in psychology.
02:15 It's about our own psychology, in fact, and it's a belief that
02:18 the more we can stay optimistic, not necessarily positive all the time,
02:23 or we can stay optimistic rather than allow negativity
02:26 swirling around our head and staying there, the happier, the healthier,
02:31 the more successful we are likely to be.
02:34 So it's a real belief that our inner control, thoughts, etc.
02:38 influences our external controls.
02:41 In other words, what happens to us in life.
02:43 OK, so it's worthwhile everybody having it. Yeah. OK.
02:47 So I suppose, importantly, why and when?
02:52 When is it useful to have PMA?
02:54 Give us some examples, maybe.
02:57 I think it's always useful to have it always, especially in tough times,
03:01 which is what we're in right now, because it helps us to deal with things.
03:05 And actually, it helps us to find our own solutions.
03:08 And like I said, you can't always be up.
03:11 But with the right frame of mind, you can get through
03:14 quite often whatever difficulties that you're going through.
03:17 And just thinking about being stressed is proven that can make us be stressed.
03:23 So the thought of being worried, the thought of being anxious,
03:26 the thought of being stressed can actually cause us to then become stressed.
03:30 So it's always important to be mindful of it
03:34 and to know what's going on in your own head.
03:36 So all of the time is when it's useful to have it,
03:39 but especially when you're going through a difficulty.
03:42 OK, OK. I hadn't really thought about that.
03:44 I suppose you kind of think of it as like a almost like a lifestyle choice.
03:49 But actually, maybe when we need it most is when things are kind of going badly
03:52 wrong and it can make us a bit more resilient.
03:55 Exactly. And there are lots of examples where I think it's important
04:00 in different areas of our life.
04:02 But the research does say that it can lead to illness
04:05 if we don't keep on top of what's going on in our head
04:07 from a thoughts and an attitude point of view.
04:10 But if you're in a job,
04:12 it's more likely to help you staying that job or, you know, remaining that job.
04:17 And if you don't have a job, it's more likely to help you get a job.
04:19 So and that's why it's important from a job point of view,
04:23 from a performance point of view, if you're in sports or even if you're
04:28 not in sport, but from a performance point of view, it drives confidence.
04:31 Yeah, confidence helps you to do a better job.
04:34 And that then drives success.
04:36 So so one seemingly small thing can lead to another.
04:41 And then there's a ripple effect.
04:42 And of course, in life generally with family, you become the person
04:46 that people want to be around.
04:48 And it's more it's easier to find solutions
04:52 when you have the right attitude than when you're shrouded
04:55 and bogged down with negativity.
04:57 And let's be honest, we all feel like that sometimes.
04:59 Well, that kind of leads on nicely to my next question,
05:02 which is considering the world we're living in at the moment.
05:04 Sometimes it can be challenging to be optimistic when you're surrounded
05:08 by cost of living crisis, inflation, job worries, all of that.
05:12 How can we balance optimism with acknowledging the reality of things?
05:16 I think the first thing that's important to say is that it's OK to have a tough day.
05:22 It's OK to feel gloomy.
05:23 It's all right to to feel down.
05:25 The important thing is how long we stay down there for.
05:28 How long will that go on for?
05:30 And I've got a little tip that I'll give to listeners later on, viewers later on.
05:35 OK, sometimes you've got to tell ourselves that that's enough.
05:38 Move on. We've done enough of this now.
05:41 We've we've thought about this enough and, you know, we've allowed it to
05:44 to bring us down enough.
05:46 Move on. Sometimes we need some help.
05:48 And if we can't get out of that trench that we're in,
05:52 then we might need somebody's help to do that.
05:55 And but also it's helpful to put it in perspective.
05:59 And what I mean by that is that what's happening around us
06:02 and in the world at the moment, it's not just national, it's global.
06:04 So there's a lot of issues that are affecting a lot of people.
06:07 And it's not your fault.
06:09 And most of it is not your fault.
06:11 And you might have something that's personal to you that you that you can sort out.
06:15 So so the question to ask ourselves is, is this in my control or not?
06:20 Because if it is, what can I do about it?
06:22 And every small step, every small action along the way will help us to get out of that.
06:27 And if it's not in our control, it's important to put that to one side,
06:32 because actually all that will do is drag you down further
06:35 and you cannot do anything about it.
06:38 I suppose the other thing maybe to think about is,
06:40 you know, this too shall pass in certain circumstances.
06:45 You know, it is a matter of time, isn't it?
06:47 That you just need to give a thing now. Obviously,
06:49 we you can use as many tools as you have in your toolbox,
06:54 obviously, to deal with a situation.
06:56 But in a lot of cases, sometimes time helps with a problem like that as well.
07:01 It does. And, you know, nothing lasts forever.
07:04 You know, I know we seem to let from one thing to another,
07:07 from a global point of view, whether it's COVID or mortgages or cost of living.
07:12 There's always something.
07:14 And that's worth bearing in mind.
07:15 There will always be something.
07:18 There'll always be something in the world or nationally or going on in your life
07:22 that actually could bring you down. It could bring you down.
07:25 And the important thing is, is could, because
07:29 we sometimes allow ourselves to to be brought down with it
07:33 because we think negatively, we think I'll never get through this.
07:36 I can't see an end.
07:38 And sometimes we say it.
07:39 And when you vocalize it and say it as well, it stays in your head for longer.
07:43 So it's important to catch what you're thinking.
07:46 I'm amplifying it. Yes. OK, I get you.
07:48 Absolutely. Challenge it.
07:50 And if we say to ourselves, this is I can't do anything about it.
07:54 Sometimes we've got to say, well, hang on a minute. Is that true?
07:57 Can we? What can we do about it?
08:00 Or this is going to last forever. Well, how do you know that?
08:02 So you've got to challenge yourself really to switch it around
08:06 so that you because it's too easy to fall down the spiral.
08:09 Yeah. Of negativity.
08:11 And when you get so far down, it's really hard to get back up then.
08:14 OK, so how do we go about incorporating a positive mental attitude
08:18 into our daily routines then?
08:21 So I think, you know, the first thing to do is to start with
08:25 something that I've just mentioned, which is about your thoughts.
08:28 So be aware of your thoughts.
08:29 So what is really running our thoughts running through our head constantly?
08:33 You don't get a break from them.
08:35 The minute you wake up, they're there.
08:37 But you're not always aware of them.
08:39 So think about what you're thinking about and challenge what you're thinking.
08:43 So if you're if you're already thinking, I'm going to be late for work,
08:47 then you have to stop that already and say, well, hang on, you don't know that.
08:51 And you'll get there when you get there.
08:53 So don't allow that to be the start of the spiral of you coming down
08:57 because these small negative thoughts will all add up.
09:01 Yeah. And by the time you do get to work, you're already in a bad mood.
09:05 Yeah. And so one thing can lead to another.
09:07 And I talk about this a lot in coaching because it's just so normal.
09:11 It happens to everybody.
09:13 So catch yourself early and stop yourself from going down the spiral.
09:17 Listen to your language.
09:18 That's really, really important, because the more you say these words,
09:22 the more it becomes real.
09:25 And so you've really got to catch yourself saying something positive
09:29 rather than negative.
09:30 So in other words, rather than saying it won't work, switch it around and say,
09:35 I need to find a way of making it work or there's probably a way of making it work.
09:39 I've just got to look.
09:41 Yeah. So to be more optimistic about what you're what you're saying.
09:46 And the other thing I'd say about daily routines is appreciate the good things
09:50 more, even if they're tiny, even if they're tiny, because one of the
09:54 a lot of research has been done about
09:55 people who are, it sounds a bit, sounds a bit really sad,
10:00 but people who are dying and a lot of research has been done around regrets.
10:04 Yeah. And, you know, one of the biggest regrets for most people is
10:09 I didn't appreciate enough what I had.
10:12 I didn't enjoy enough what I had.
10:14 And because we're too busy rushing or worrying about the next thing.
10:18 So think about the things that are going well.
10:21 And for many of us, it'll be health.
10:23 For many of us, it's well, I've got my friends, I've got my family.
10:25 For some of us, it might be, well, actually, the sun's out today.
10:29 Let's just enjoy it.
10:30 Or it might be, you know, I'm going to have a cup of tea and a biscuit.
10:34 That'll pick me up.
10:36 So sometimes take the small things
10:39 because these small things in your daily routine keep you up.
10:43 Keep you up. And having a laugh is medicine.
10:46 It really is medicine.
10:48 So if you can find a way of seeing something funny out of life, then do it.
10:52 It will change how you feel.
10:54 And then you become more of the person that you want to be around
10:58 and the person that others just like being close to.
11:01 I think it's a very common problem, actually.
11:04 And you often hear people talking about, you know, especially people
11:07 who have like been wealthy and then something happens,
11:11 particularly if they have a health scare or something like that.
11:13 And they'll say, you know, like it doesn't really matter
11:16 that the bag or the car or whatever, like, you know, it's the
11:20 it's the people in your life. It's the little things.
11:22 It's the stuff that's probably for free in a way that really makes your life
11:28 and that you need to focus on those things and making sure
11:30 that they're the best they can be rather than obtaining the next physical thing.
11:35 You know, so I think that feeds into what you were saying as well
11:38 about people having regrets before they die, etc.
11:42 It's true because everybody says, well, it's all right.
11:46 It's all right for a millionaire to say that it doesn't make
11:49 because they've got the money, but, you know, it would help me.
11:51 And there's no doubt that having more money would help a lot of people right now
11:55 and forever, to be honest, because we all want that comfort of the bills are paid for.
12:00 I don't have to worry about anything coming in.
12:02 We all kind of want that that comfort factor.
12:05 But beyond that, beyond that, there isn't much.
12:08 There isn't a lot extra. Yeah, you're happy.
12:10 Exactly. The reason once you've had your holidays and you've got a nice car,
12:15 then then you become stressed about other things.
12:18 Yeah. There's something else you might want or whatever.
12:20 Or yeah, a bigger car or a more expensive holiday or whatever.
12:25 And the thing about sorry,
12:27 no, you're thinking about the thing about positive mental attitude
12:30 is and is that it's very much internal.
12:35 So a car might fix it in the short term.
12:38 Yeah. And your handbag will fix in short term.
12:40 A holiday will certainly fix it for two weeks or more.
12:43 But then after that, you come back to your thoughts.
12:46 You come back to how you managing your head and you'll never be able to get away
12:50 from that. Yeah.
12:51 So the more you the more we all learn how to manage what's going on up there
12:55 and and how we can start to think better and frame, you know, have the
13:00 yeah, frame things better and, you know, have the right outlook on life.
13:03 The better will always be the happy will always be.
13:06 So do you think that involving others in this pursuit of a positive outlook
13:11 will help? And how do we go about doing that?
13:13 I think there's two aspects.
13:15 The first thing is that people can help you.
13:18 So, you know what they say, a problem shared is a problem solved or halved.
13:23 I can't remember. Anyway, it certainly does help, doesn't it?
13:26 Because, you know, you get a different perspective and that always helps.
13:30 And even just saying it out loud to somebody, it can feel like a little bit
13:34 of a weight's lifted off your mind.
13:35 And it can make you think, you know what, I will have a go.
13:38 I will try this or I will be able to fix it.
13:41 So so asking for help ourselves is really important
13:46 and it can stop us feeling even worse and perhaps leading it to,
13:50 you know, worse things like illness.
13:53 How can we help others?
13:56 Quite easily, actually.
13:58 But but we often don't because, you know, it's something
14:02 quite often that we don't want to get involved in.
14:05 And the first thing is that honesty is really important, I think, you know.
14:08 And if somebody is being negative or they're kind of bringing everybody down,
14:13 the first thing that I think is important to say is asking them what's up
14:16 or asking them what's wrong, because they might be down that negative spiral
14:20 somewhere. Somebody has impacted their day or their week or their life even.
14:24 We don't know what that is.
14:26 And we're not necessarily there to have to find out.
14:28 But asking them might help them share the problem.
14:31 I think that's the first thing
14:33 and find out what that reason is, because you might be able to help or listen.
14:36 The other thing is get them to encourage them to challenge their own situation
14:41 and their own thoughts, because, you know, if they're saying, well,
14:44 it's all right for you, but this is happening for me.
14:47 And then you can say, well, what have you tried so far?
14:50 What else can you do about it?
14:51 You know, try and help them by relating it to yours or somebody
14:54 that you know's situation.
14:56 So in other words, encourage them out of it and push them out of it.
14:59 The other thing that I think it's important to do is to
15:02 is to make them aware of the impacts that they might be having.
15:05 So on other people.
15:07 So they might not realize that actually, you know, they look really down
15:11 or their attitude is impacting others.
15:15 And actually saying it, not because, you know, you're kind of being rude
15:20 or aggressive, but actually you're saying it because you want
15:22 what you want to do is help them.
15:24 Yeah. So it's something that's causing that.
15:26 You know, what can I do to help?
15:27 Because I'm sure most people wouldn't want their negativity
15:31 to sort of impact other people,
15:33 especially if they don't know they're being negative or, you know.
15:36 Yeah, exactly.
15:37 But this is what happens, Kelly, because we see somebody who's negative.
15:41 We see somebody who's negative and we all think, oh, I'm not going near them.
15:43 Yeah, yeah.
15:44 But they stay like that forever.
15:46 Nobody ever tells them.
15:48 And you can say, well, it's their own fault.
15:49 They should sort it.
15:50 And yes, we are all responsible for our own behavior.
15:53 But sometimes you can't always see your own face.
15:55 Well, you don't see your own face or your own body language.
15:58 So you sometimes need somebody to say, what's up?
16:00 You don't look like your normal self today.
16:01 Something's bothering you.
16:03 And I can tell it's bothering you because we all feel it.
16:05 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:06 We all sense that there's something going wrong.
16:08 So, you know, what is it?
16:09 So you can encourage it out of people.
16:12 Sometimes distracting them by switching the topic can also help.
16:17 So if you've got somebody who's moaning a lot or they're really fed up
16:21 or they're just worried and they're coming out with all sorts of stuff,
16:24 if you switch the subject to something completely different,
16:28 that will lift their...
16:30 Yeah, mood.
16:30 That will lift their, yeah, lift their mood, lift the way they're feeling
16:34 and the state of...
16:35 Kind of help them get out of a rut a little bit.
16:37 Yeah, yeah, exactly.
16:39 Yes. And then when they've had that conversation, you can go back to it to say,
16:42 so what was it you was worried about and what can you do about it?
16:45 And because they're in a higher state.
16:48 Yes. Sort of an old fashioned approach to cheering people up a little bit.
16:51 Yeah, yeah. I get you.
16:52 And they can move themselves on easier
16:55 after they've come out of that gloomy kind of state, if you like.
16:58 And it helps them to become more motivated.
17:00 That's good advice.
17:02 OK, so we are going to go to the part of the podcast now
17:06 where we get some questions from listeners.
17:08 And Louise got in touch with us a few months back.
17:11 We're playing catch up still on some of our
17:14 emails we've had in from listeners.
17:17 So she she says, I tried to go about my day in a positive way,
17:20 but I'm so completely snowed under.
17:22 I get frustrated, end up losing focus on how I am framing things.
17:26 I rely on support from quite a few different people at work
17:30 as I manage a big team.
17:31 And it's often one of these people who will end up bringing me down.
17:34 How do I deal with that?
17:36 Well, we've touched on that there a little bit, Amina, before before the question.
17:39 Yeah, we have.
17:41 And there's two elements to Louise's point, really.
17:44 The first thing is being snowed under.
17:46 And I think, you know, everybody can have this in their lives
17:49 where you've just got too much on and it's a good point to raise.
17:52 I mean, the first thing I'd start with is what's your priority?
17:56 Have a list of all these things that you're snowed under with,
17:58 because there'll always be a priority.
18:00 Some things will matter more.
18:01 And there might be top three things that you think
18:03 I have to get those things done no matter what.
18:06 And then keep your own attitude in check,
18:10 because that's when it's easy for us to start spiraling down and think,
18:13 I'll never get through this.
18:15 There's too much to do, too much on my plate.
18:17 And before we know it, we're on the floor.
18:20 And then it's even harder to get things done
18:22 because we're slowing our performance down.
18:24 So keep your own attitude in check is a really useful thing
18:28 to bear in mind.
18:29 It's not easy, but practice makes you better at it.
18:32 And think about the impacts that you're having on others,
18:34 just as we said that about the other person, because you could be that person
18:38 when you're snowed under.
18:40 Delegate what you can, Louise, or if that's at all possible,
18:44 delay what you can and do some things that are really, really not that important.
18:50 We are guilty of doing the same things
18:52 because I've always done them, even if they're not that important.
18:55 So have your list, go for your important ones.
18:58 The person that might be bringing us down, I know I have touched on,
19:02 but if it's possible for Louise, all of us to be able to say,
19:06 what's up?
19:08 Yeah.
19:09 What's going on?
19:10 And try and challenge it, try and tackle it, try and help them
19:13 to find out what it is.
19:15 But again, that awareness of how they're impacting everybody else
19:18 is really important because Louise is clearly feeling it.
19:21 And when you've got a lot on your plate,
19:23 that really does impact everybody's performance.
19:26 So that kind of needs some honesty and and some help.
19:29 They need to know how they're coming across.
19:31 But what about what about how we let other people impact us?
19:37 You know, like don't we have some, you know, autonomy there in terms of like
19:41 if you're kind of dreading seeing that person or before
19:45 they even open their mouth, you're like, oh, God, they're going to bring me
19:48 a complaint or they're going to be negative or whatever.
19:50 Maybe we're framing it wrong ourselves as well.
19:52 What do you think? Yeah.
19:53 I mean, one of the things that I often say to people,
19:57 it's a bit of tough love, if I'm honest, but I'm going to say it.
19:59 Nobody can bring you down unless you allow them to.
20:03 Yeah, yeah, yeah. They can't.
20:04 So they can throw all sorts of words at you.
20:07 They can say horrible things.
20:08 They can act in an awful way.
20:10 But if you can try and stay in control of what you're thinking about
20:13 and and deflecting whatever they're saying, because actually
20:17 the more you focus on what you can do, how
20:20 how good you can be at work, how good a friend you can be,
20:24 the less they're going to impact your behavior.
20:27 But the more you allow their words, their thoughts,
20:29 if you like to get into your head, the more they are actually directing
20:33 who you become. I understand.
20:35 So so you've really got to think about,
20:37 I'm not going to allow them to affect me because that then will make me
20:42 become that person that maybe they think I am
20:46 or they're trying to make me out to be.
20:48 So focus on what's going on in your own mind
20:51 and don't allow other people to bring you down to their level.
20:55 Yeah, because it makes them feel good because now there's more people
20:59 down at their level, but actually it takes you nowhere.
21:02 Everybody then feels gloomy.
21:04 Misery loves company, isn't it? Yeah, absolutely.
21:07 So I think there's lots of different tips there for Louise.
21:12 Hopefully that will help resolve that situation for her.
21:15 And I'm going to do you want to just summarize for us
21:19 maybe what we've discussed today for listeners so that we can have a quick recap?
21:22 Yes. Yes, I will.
21:24 Just one thing that I would if I if I'm allowed to just add on,
21:28 which is that not everybody has to be smiley, happy, clappy people.
21:32 Oh, yeah. That's not what positive mental attitude is about.
21:35 It's about being optimistic and being hopeful and about thinking,
21:39 how do I get out of this?
21:40 That's what a real positive mental attitude is about.
21:43 So anybody can have a good attitude.
21:45 Absolutely. So summary.
21:46 First of all, I'd say positive mental attitude is about being in control
21:50 of what's going on in your head.
21:52 It's very much an internal thing.
21:54 Secondly, you can't always be positive.
21:56 Please don't think you have to be.
21:58 But if you are going to if you are going to if you do feel gloomy,
22:02 do feel fed up, give yourself a time limit.
22:04 I have a 10 minute rule.
22:06 10 minutes. I'm going to say what you like, grumble, moan.
22:09 Then that's it. Stop at that and move on.
22:11 Be optimistic and hopeful.
22:14 Thirdly, focus on what you can do about it and get help if you need to.
22:18 Four, be aware of what you're doing and what others are doing around you,
22:24 because you could be on the spiral going down.
22:26 They could to catch yourself early before you slide down.
22:30 And finally, positive mental attitude will benefit everybody
22:35 because it will help you to stay healthier.
22:38 It will help you stay happier.
22:40 And you are much more likely to be successful
22:43 if you have the kind of attitude that that helps you to be
22:46 to become confident and perform better.
22:49 And other people are more likely to want you in their business
22:52 and to want to be around you.
22:54 So it's for everybody, Kelly.
22:56 Yeah, that's true. That is definitely true.
22:58 Thank you for joining me once again today.
23:00 Amina, your expertise is so valuable.
23:03 And we still have we have to do a little team celebration at some point
23:07 about our little award that we picked up as well at the podcast award.
23:11 So we haven't been on air together since.
23:14 Yeah. And well done to Kay.
23:16 Please do join us next week when I'll be talking to Kay Woodburn
23:20 about depression and anxiety in younger people and helping make them more resilient.
23:24 Thank you for joining us today on The Reset Room.
23:26 If you have a suggestion for future episodes or you'd like to see us
23:29 cover a particular topic, then do get in touch.
23:31 You can follow us on Twitter at Reset_Room, on Facebook at The Reset Room
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23:38 Please remember to rate, review and subscribe to the podcast
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23:43 The Reset Room is a laudable production produced and hosted by me, Kelly Creighton.
23:46 Our resident experts are Kay Woodburn of britneypeople.co.uk
23:49 and Amina Walker, who you'll find on aminawalker.com.
23:54 See you next time. Bye.
23:56 Bye, Kelly.
23:56 (upbeat music)