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AmusantTranscription
00:00 Hey, my dad's invitation to the party got returned.
00:15 Grandpa Cotton Hill, hell USA.
00:18 Bobby, why'd you write this?
00:21 You know your grandpa lives in Houston.
00:23 Mom says he's the devil.
00:25 Peggy, how can you tell Bobby that?
00:28 I said evil, Hank.
00:30 How you get devil from that is beyond me.
00:32 I don't want Grandpa at my party.
00:35 The kids are already gonna hate me 'cause you got the wrong kind of bean dip.
00:39 What's wrong with the bean dip?
00:41 Wait a minute, what's wrong with your grandpa?
00:43 He's got big plastic teeth, he screams all the time, his legs don't work.
00:49 Bobby, never make fun of your grandpa's legs.
00:53 He lost his shins defending Texas in World War II.
00:58 Now son, pick up that phone and invite your granddad to your birthday party.
01:04 Okay.
01:06 Hi, Grandpa.
01:09 Bobby, if you're gonna fake dial, you gotta hit more than three numbers.
01:16 [MUSIC]
01:26 the house.
01:33 [MUSIC]
01:43 Woo, this thing is a hoot.
01:55 [MUSIC]
02:00 I got a splinter here.
02:03 Orange, you glad I didn't say banana?
02:06 Huh?
02:07 Huh?
02:08 This party's boring.
02:11 Everybody hates you.
02:13 Why are you so pissed off for a piggy hill?
02:16 Oh, nothing, just Hank's father.
02:18 He's driving in for the party.
02:20 Oh, Lord, that crazy cotton hill.
02:22 I heard after Hank's mother left cotton, he married his 16-year-old nurse.
02:27 Dee Dee is 39, thank you very much.
02:29 Although parts of her are much younger.
02:32 Oh, a piggy hill.
02:34 [SNORING]
02:36 Dad, I'm dying out there.
02:39 I blew up a balloon with my nose.
02:42 Nothing.
02:43 I did this thing.
02:45 What are you talking about?
02:47 What are you talking about?
02:49 Nothing.
02:51 Did you try burping the alphabet?
02:53 That's my closer, Dad.
02:56 [LAUGHING]
02:57 Man, what are you talking about?
02:58 What are you talking about?
03:00 I tell you what, fat kid's always a funny one, man.
03:02 He's a dang old John Candy, John Belushi, knife and fork dug their grave.
03:07 Who wants a burger?
03:09 Well, I'll take that steak.
03:11 But hell, you say.
03:12 Did you win World War II?
03:14 This ribeye is for my daddy.
03:16 Cotton's coming.
03:18 Whoa, if I was Yukon, I'd amscray before he gets here.
03:23 Yeah, if he finds out you're from Japan, you know.
03:27 How many times I tell you, stupid?
03:29 I'm Le Ocean.
03:33 You?
03:35 Me?
03:40 [MUSIC PLAYING]
03:42 Yeah!
03:43 Woo-hoo!
03:44 Happy birthday, Bobby.
03:46 Oh, Dad, you crazy son of a gun.
03:49 You really outdid yourself this time.
03:51 Well, you know me.
03:52 I'm larger than life.
03:59 Where are its legs?
04:01 What are you looking at, Moe?
04:03 A Japanese machine gun blew my shins off in WWII.
04:07 So what?
04:09 You like that horse, Bobby?
04:10 I love it, Grandpa.
04:12 Well, you can love it for four more hours.
04:15 It's a riddle.
04:16 All right, who wants the first ride?
04:18 Me!
04:23 Hey, Hank's wife.
04:24 How long have you been here, Cotton?
04:26 I didn't notice you--
04:27 Did it?
04:28 Come on out here and gab with Hank's wife.
04:31 Look at here, Hank.
04:32 What do you think of your mama's new tie-ties?
04:35 Oh, she is not my mother.
04:37 Hell, we went to kindergarten together.
04:40 Hey, Hank, do you still like finger painting?
04:45 Everyone thinks you're probably through, Bobby.
04:49 I'm having fun.
04:51 Your wife divorced you.
05:00 Mr. Kahn, I'll have a night tie.
05:04 What do you think?
05:05 I work for Hank.
05:07 Uh, Dad, this here is my new neighbor.
05:10 He's Japanese.
05:12 No, he ain't.
05:15 He's Laotian.
05:17 Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?
05:22 All right, time to open my gift.
05:27 Whoa, a super squirter.
05:30 The Ha-Super Squirter.
05:32 It ain't no water toy, Mr. Kahn.
05:35 It's a genuine Winchester 20-gauge shotgun.
05:39 You got a real gun.
05:41 And now Peggy Hill has a real gun.
05:44 Bobby, you are too young to own a firearm, honey.
05:46 Did you see that, Hank?
05:48 Tell your woman to give him back his gun.
05:50 His woman?
05:52 Oh, God, I am my own woman, and don't you forget it.
05:56 Oh, Peg, that's just cowboy talk.
05:59 Come on.
06:00 Hey, let's go bust open that pinata.
06:03 Do it, boy.
06:04 Ooh, bash it.
06:05 Bash it.
06:06 Come on, Bobby.
06:07 Hank, the boy can barely reach it.
06:09 Now lower the pinata so he has a chance at it.
06:13 Come on.
06:17 Oh, crap it.
06:18 Feel it.
06:20 Ooh, bash it.
06:22 Bash it.
06:29 Kill it, boy.
06:32 It must be made of kryptonite or something.
06:35 Oh, for crying out loud.
06:38 Good Lord, Cotton, you gave him a loaded shotgun?
06:42 Well, you don't give a toy without batteries.
06:46 Come and get your tootsie rolls.
06:49 Oh, I'm so sorry your grandpa ruined your birthday, son.
06:53 He didn't ruin it.
06:54 He made it fun.
06:56 Bobby, come on over here, boy.
07:00 Take off them pink gloves.
07:02 That's woman's work.
07:04 Leave him alone.
07:05 He's a good helper.
07:06 Oh, whatever you say, Hillary.
07:11 Cotton, I'll do the dishes.
07:14 I like to.
07:15 Permission granted.
07:17 Put an apron over your new bosom, too.
07:20 Don't tell her, but I got them cheap.
07:22 Both lefties.
07:24 So, Bobby, what you gonna do with your life?
07:27 I'm gonna be a prop comic.
07:29 I'm working on this bit where I stick a green bean up my nose.
07:33 Well, now that sounds promising.
07:35 Hank, Bobby and me have decided he's gonna stick vegetables up his nose.
07:40 He's not gonna take over the family gas station.
07:43 Dad, I don't work at a gas station.
07:46 I sell propane and propane accessories.
07:49 Don't sass me, boy.
07:50 You ain't too big for me to give you a licking.
07:53 Aw, Dad, you old skunk.
07:56 Come on, grease monkey.
07:58 Let's tangle.
08:00 All right, Cotton.
08:01 Now you are breaking my good dishes.
08:03 It's time for you to leave.
08:05 Aw, come on.
08:06 Come on.
08:07 I will fix you a to-go plate.
08:10 Don't worry about the horse.
08:12 If it comes back, we'll call the rental place.
08:18 Damn, won't start.
08:20 I guess I'm not going anywhere.
08:22 Oh, no, no, no.
08:23 Just pop the hood.
08:24 Hank can fix it in a minute.
08:26 Don't bother, Uncle Hank.
08:28 I can't hear the solenoid plunger.
08:30 You're gonna need a new one.
08:32 Thanks a lot, girly.
08:34 The truth is, you're a girl.
08:37 Hank, we'll have to wait till your gas station opens up in the morning.
08:40 I guess I'm staying over.
08:42 I wish you could, but we are all out of beds.
08:44 I don't need a bed.
08:46 I can sleep in a drawer after what they did to me overseas.
08:51 I can sleep on the couch, Mom.
08:53 Well, that'll be just fine.
08:55 Excuse me for just a second.
08:57 I do not want that ill-mannered, foul-mouthed old man to spend another moment in my house.
09:02 Oh, you just don't understand him, Peg.
09:05 See, he's a big, flamboyant character, like a peacock.
09:09 That's why men love him.
09:11 But women don't like his style because you all are like the pea hen,
09:16 more subdued and drab.
09:19 You just cannot see your father for who he is.
09:23 Well, Bobby and I both want him to stay.
09:26 So that means you're outvoted.
09:28 Oh, yeah?
09:29 And Jim hates him, too. That means we're even.
09:32 Well, Jesus loves him, so I win.
09:35 Well, what does that have to do with--
09:37 Hey, Dad, we'd love it if you stayed.
09:39 Well, all righty.
09:41 Biddy, we're bunking here tonight.
09:45 Mr. Con, my bag.
09:48 What do you say I drive you to school today, Bobby?
09:56 Hey, you fix my car yet?
09:58 I just woke up.
10:00 Just-- It's 7 a.m.!
10:02 If you were in the Army, you could have dug ten graves by now.
10:06 I hope you're all hungry.
10:08 Good-looking breakfast, Peg.
10:10 Yeah, I see bacon.
10:12 I see ham.
10:14 I see steak!
10:16 Sausage! Where's my sausage?
10:18 There's no sausage!
10:20 Well, Cotton, you are welcome to march yourself down to the Safeway,
10:25 but I have to get ready for work.
10:27 See, Bobby?
10:29 Woman works.
10:30 Man loses his sausage.
10:32 You know, Cotton, I'd love to debate this with you,
10:35 but I am just a little too busy living here in the latter half of the 20th century.
10:40 Hey, Dad, if you want to drive Bobby to school, use my truck.
10:44 I'll go rig up your pedal extenders.
10:48 You're all skin and bones, girly.
10:51 Put some corn pone on them hips.
10:54 I don't want any, Grandpa Hill.
10:56 I don't want to get fat.
10:58 That's not for you to worry about.
11:00 You will never know if you are attractive.
11:02 It's up to a man to tell you that.
11:05 You keep eating, and I'll tell you when to stop.
11:08 Touch me again, and you'll be wearing that corn pone, old man.
11:12 Eee! Feisty!
11:14 You sure it's okay for me to be out of school today, Grandpa?
11:22 Oh, yeah, it's a holiday, isn't it?
11:25 It's Bobby Dickinson's birthday.
11:27 Now, why don't you order us some food?
11:30 Really? Dad never lets me order.
11:33 Yeah, well, you went with your daddy today.
11:35 Go to it.
11:37 Excuse me, ma'am.
11:41 Uh, ma'am?
11:43 Oh, good, sweet.
11:45 You'll never get no service that way.
11:48 You got to get her in the money maker.
11:51 Hey, Missy! How about some sandwiches?
11:55 Well, that's the dangest thing.
12:03 I never heard of a solenoid just disappearing before.
12:07 I don't know.
12:08 Sometimes things just disappear for no logical reason.
12:12 One day my cousin woke up.
12:14 His kidney was gone.
12:16 At the same time.
12:18 500 miles away.
12:21 A woman in Phoenix contracted diabetes.
12:24 I fixed it, Uncle Hank.
12:27 Oh, she burns. She's like a dang old kitten.
12:34 Yep, my dad sure knows how to take care of his cars.
12:38 When I was a baby, he had my mama make me a chamois jumpsuit.
12:43 And I used to crawl around on the hood and buff it till it shined like Christmas.
12:48 You're dad, I swear.
12:51 How about when he took us down to the Hotel Arlen?
12:55 Oh, yeah.
12:56 Remember that, Hank?
12:58 Hank, you won the big game.
13:05 So, I'm buying you and your friends hookers.
13:10 Now go on, boy, pick yourself out a light one.
13:12 Hey there, Mr. Quarterback.
13:15 Not every dad would do something like that to his son.
13:22 I mean, for his son.
13:24 Boy, how's it coming with the car, Grease Monkey?
13:30 That's real funny, Peg.
13:32 Look what I found.
13:33 Wait, that's a solenoid. Where'd you find that?
13:37 In Cotton's room, wrapped in his little bitty pants under a big pile of lice.
13:42 Dammit, I killed a whole day fixing that car.
13:45 I don't understand.
13:47 Oh, Hank, what is to understand?
13:49 Your father disfigured his own automobile just so he could stay here and drive me crazy.
13:55 Oh, Peggy, the poor guy just wants to spend time with us.
13:59 And you've made it so hard for him, he's afraid to ask.
14:03 You're right. It's my fault.
14:05 Why, oh, why didn't I serve that poor man his sausage?
14:08 What's the point in arguing?
14:10 The car is fixed now. He'll be out of here tonight.
14:14 Aunt Peg, I found this timing belt in the laundry.
14:18 You want me to wash it with the darks?
14:21 Good morning, angels.
14:23 Do I have an assignment for you?
14:26 Good morning, Charlie.
14:28 Ah, damn!
14:30 It's a silly Hank.
14:32 That's like getting a shimp.
14:34 What in the hell is going on here?
14:36 Where are your pants?
14:38 We were hot. Took 'em off.
14:40 A man doesn't have to wear pants around the house if he doesn't want to.
14:44 Yeah, what you got them blue jeans on for, Hank?
14:47 Let's go take 'em off.
14:49 I don't want to take 'em off.
14:51 Buddy, take your daddy's pants off.
14:54 Okey-dokey, Cotton. Hank fixed your car.
14:56 I guess he'll be wanting to head back right about now.
14:59 Peggy.
15:01 Well, um, maybe we should think about getting back.
15:05 Huh, honey?
15:06 What did you say?
15:07 What did you say?
15:09 Okay, uh, now, what did you say, baby cakes?
15:15 We can leave.
15:17 Hank fixed the car.
15:19 Actually, Luanne fixed it.
15:21 [laughing]
15:24 Oh, that's a good one, Hank's wife.
15:27 A woman fixing a car.
15:29 That's like a pig trying to read.
15:32 Pig?
15:33 Yeah.
15:35 Well, I guess you can go home now, Dad.
15:38 Nah, I don't think so.
15:40 We're gonna stick around a few more days.
15:43 Supper time, Colonel.
15:45 You forgot my beer.
15:49 Go on, get me my beer, woman.
15:52 Mom, I'll take my dinner in here, too.
15:56 Bobby, you will not. We eat our dinner in the kitchen.
15:59 Boy wants his dinner in here.
16:01 Well, we eat in the kitchen.
16:04 Here?
16:05 Kitchen.
16:06 Here?
16:07 Kitchen.
16:08 Here!
16:09 Hank, for God's sake, I need a little support here.
16:11 Well, Peggy, uh, it might be nice for a change to have dinner in front of, uh, the TV.
16:19 Well, go on, woman, get me my dinner.
16:22 [gasp]
16:25 I don't know where you got the idea you could slap your mothers behind.
16:30 I'll tell you where he got the idea. Your father.
16:34 And it's all your fault for not nipping it in the bud.
16:37 What do you want me to do? I can't change my father.
16:40 Well, he certainly won't listen to me now, will he?
16:43 You're both men. You're both peacocks, remember?
16:46 What are you, turning into some kind of feminist?
16:49 I am not a feminist, Hank.
16:52 I am Peggy Hill, a citizen of the Republic of Texas.
16:56 I work hard, I sweat hard, and I love hard, and I gotta smell good and look pretty while I'm doing it.
17:02 So I comb my hair, I reapply lipstick 30 times a day, I do your dishes, I wash your clothes, and I clean the house.
17:11 Not because I have to, Hank, but because of a mutual, unspoken agreement that I have never brought up,
17:16 because I am too much of a lady.
17:19 30 times a day?
17:22 Yeah, I kind of like it here. What kind of work can a guy get in this town?
17:27 Uh, are you allergic to asbestos?
17:30 Hell no.
17:32 Hey, Dad.
17:33 Hey, if it ain't the old grease monkey.
17:35 All right, Dad. I need to talk to you about some of the things you've been telling Bobby.
17:41 I've been telling Bobby a lot of things.
17:43 For example, I told him how I lost my shins defending our country.
17:48 You want to hear that story, Fatty?
17:50 Sure, yes, sir!
17:51 Bill, I'm trying to talk to my--
17:53 I was 14, just a little older than Bobby, but I knew Uncle Sam needed me.
17:59 So I lied and signed up.
18:03 And we had beat the Nazis in Italy, and they shipped us to the Pacific Theater.
18:08 A Tojo torpedo sent our troop ship to the bottom.
18:12 I could only save three of my buddies, Fatty, Stinky, and Brooklyn.
18:19 They were kind of like you fellas, only one of them was from Brooklyn.
18:22 Out of the sun came a Tojo Zero and put 50 bullets in my back.
18:28 The blood attracted sharks.
18:30 I had to give them Fatty.
18:33 Ugh!
18:35 Then things took a turn for the worse.
18:37 I made it to an island, but it was full of Tojos.
18:41 They were spitting on the U.S. flag, so I rushed them.
18:45 But it was a trap.
18:47 They opened fire and blew my shins off.
18:52 Last thing I remember, I beat them all to death with a big piece of Fatty.
18:58 I woke up in a field hospital, and they were sewing my feet to my knees.
19:05 Now, what was it you wanted to talk to me about, Hank?
19:10 [SIGHS]
19:12 Well, nothing, I guess.
19:16 [SIGHS]
19:17 You've had enough cake, Connie.
19:25 What are you doing?
19:26 A man's got to tell a woman when to stop eating.
19:30 You're looking kind of chunky.
19:33 Ooh, she's moody.
19:35 Must be PBS.
19:37 [SMACK]
19:39 Let's go.
19:40 I gotta see a man about a horse.
19:43 Bobby, don't forget to bust your tray.
19:46 [GROWLS]
19:47 That's woman's work.
19:48 Ain't that right, fellas?
19:51 Woman's work.
19:53 Woman's work.
19:54 Woman's work.
19:56 Woman's work.
19:57 Woman's work.
19:58 Woman's work.
19:59 Woman's work.
20:00 Woman's work.
20:01 Woman's work.
20:02 Woman's work.
20:03 Woman's work.
20:04 [BIRDS CHIRPING]
20:05 Well, she's got a point, but he's a war hero.
20:11 She's my wife, but he's got no shins.
20:16 Uh, I'm just trying to get a little propane here.
20:19 [PHONE RINGING]
20:21 [BURPS]
20:22 Strickland Propane.
20:23 Bobby was sent home from school for starting his sexist riot today.
20:27 What?
20:28 I'm coming home right now.
20:30 Well, you're just a little too late, because the devil took Bobby off to the Hotel Arlen.
20:35 Hotel Arlen?
20:37 [BIRDS CHIRPING]
20:39 [CHATTER]
20:44 Bobby, I'm proud of you for what you did at school today, so I'm buying you a hooker.
20:51 Go ahead, pick yourself that live one.
20:54 A live one what?
20:56 Hey, cutie, you got papers?
21:04 Bobby, get over here now.
21:06 But Grandpa said I could--
21:08 Bobby, you heard your mother.
21:10 Get over there.
21:11 What are you saying, Hank?
21:13 Are you siding with your woman?
21:15 Look at me, son.
21:17 Look at my shins.
21:20 Look, Dad, I'm sorry about fatty in your shins, but I'm not a kid anymore.
21:26 Bobby is my boy, and I won't let him grow up to be a woman-hating old fool.
21:32 No wonder Mom left you.
21:34 She was a strong lady, classy and smart like Peg.
21:38 Maybe you couldn't handle that, but I can.
21:41 My marriage is a partnership of equals.
21:45 Peggy might do all the housework, but there are a lot of other things that I'm supposed to do.
21:51 But I'm not going to say what they are because I'm a gentleman.
21:55 Oh, I get it.
21:57 She's making you say this.
21:59 You're just her puppet.
22:00 No, Dad, I'm saying all this because I mean it.
22:04 Now, Dee Dee's out in the car.
22:05 I had her pack up.
22:06 It's time for you to head home.
22:09 Well, I never thought I'd see the day when my own son would stop loving me.
22:17 It's about time!
22:27 Love for sissies!
22:29 Ain't that right, you house full of hookers?
22:32 All right, hookers, listen up.
22:37 I'll be back next year, so don't be jacking up your prices.
22:41 I'll be staying over to Hank Hill's home.
22:45 Bobby, you got to try and forget all that gobbledygook your grandpa told you.
22:52 You listen to your mother.
22:53 She knows best.
22:54 But she's a woman.
22:56 How could she know better than Grandpa?
22:58 Well, because she's a lot smarter than him, for one.
23:02 Your mother's probably got a better head on her shoulders than anybody in Ireland.
23:06 Better than Bill? Or Dale? Or Boomhour?
23:10 Geez, Bobby, why not compare her to a baboon in the zoo?
23:14 But I thought they were your best friends.
23:17 Peggy's my best friend, son.
23:19 Mom?
23:20 That's right.
23:21 And when you're older, I hope you're lucky enough to find a girl to be best friends with, too.
23:27 You think that'll really happen to me?
23:29 Well, it won't if you keep slapping them in the butt and ordering them around.
23:33 You'll do okay. You just have to remember one thing.
23:37 Women were not put on this earth to serve you and me.
23:41 Now, what do you say we get an ice cream?
23:44 [music]
24:00 [music]
24:24 [music]
24:34 [BLANK_AUDIO]