Film Gorillas
  • 5 years ago
TV-G | 30min | Comedy, Drama, Family, Music, TV Series | Episode aired 10 March 1965

Patty falls head-over-heels for her new science teacher, Greg Noble (Robert Goulet) - and her studying genetics of 19th century scientist Gregor Mendel only serves to convince her that their genes are a perfect match, and being Mrs. Greg Noble is her destiny.

Director: Richard Kinon

Writers: Gary Abrams, Sidney Sheldon, William Asher

Stars: Patty Duke, William Schallert, Jean Byron
Transcript
00:00Hi, Gru.
00:01Hello, darling.
00:02Hattie, do you have to be quite so noisy?
00:04I've got a lot to be noisy about.
00:05I'm a very remarkable young girl.
00:07Are you?
00:08Uh-huh.
00:09You could have fooled me.
00:10I just got my psychological aptitude test back.
00:12And you know where I rank?
00:13Just below the human race.
00:15I came in in the top percentile.
00:18Congratulations.
00:20Yeah.
00:21What's it mean?
00:22That means that I'm practically a genius.
00:24My aptitude test showed that I can do anything
00:26I put this great mind to.
00:30If I'm so brilliant, what are my children going to be?
00:34In trouble.
00:38Where's Kathy?
00:39I want to tell her the great news.
00:40She's upstairs with her guinea pigs.
00:42You mean they've been born?
00:44Yeah, the blessed event took place about an hour ago.
00:47That's great!
00:51I've got to eat something.
00:55Hi, Kath.
00:56Hello.
00:57Hi, Kath.
00:58Hello, Patty.
00:59What do you think of them?
01:00Oh, they're beautiful.
01:04I can't believe it, Kathy.
01:07You predicted exactly what they were going to look like
01:09before they were even born.
01:11All I did was investigate the mother and father
01:13guinea pigs' family history.
01:15Then, using a method that was discovered long ago
01:17by Gregor Mendel, I took an educated guess
01:20as to what the offspring should look like.
01:22It's simply the law of genetics.
01:24Kathy, this genetics bit, does it work with people, too?
01:29Of course.
01:31You mean I could predict what my children are going to be like
01:35before they're born?
01:36Not necessarily.
01:38Why not?
01:40Well, a lot of it depends on the man you select
01:42for your husband.
01:44♪
01:49♪ Meet Kathy who's lived most everywhere
01:52♪ From Zanzibar to Barkley Square
01:55♪ But Patty's only seen the sights
01:57♪ A girl can see from Brooklyn Heights
01:59♪ What a crazy pair
02:01♪ But they're cousins
02:04♪ Identical cousins all the way
02:08♪ One pair of matching bookends
02:11♪ Different as night and day
02:14♪ Where Kathy adores a minuet
02:17♪ The ballet Russe and Crepe Suzette
02:20♪ Our Patty loves to rock and roll
02:22♪ A hot dog makes her lose control
02:24♪ What a wild duet
02:26♪ Still they're cousins
02:29♪ Identical cousins and you'll find
02:33♪ They laugh alike
02:34♪ They walk alike
02:35♪ At times they even talk alike
02:37♪ You can lose your mind
02:39♪ When cousins are two of a kind
02:51Now let me get this straight, Kat.
02:53You mean as great as I am, I could have terrible children?
02:56Not if you selected a man whose genes complemented yours.
03:00Oh. I see.
03:03Then what I need is someone tall,
03:06good-looking, dark hair, sense of humor.
03:10Doesn't everybody, girl?
03:12This is for science.
03:15Gregor Mendel, move over.
03:22Richard, can I ask you another question?
03:25I've already told you everything I know about my great-grandparents and my grandparents...
03:28Yeah, I know, but this is different.
03:30Say, Patty, why the sudden interest in my family?
03:32What makes you think it's so sudden?
03:34I'm just fascinated by all your relatives.
03:36Yeah, they are quite a fascinating bunch.
03:39Yeah.
03:40Well, the way you eat, you should be at least eight feet tall.
03:43I'm lucky enough to be 5'10".
03:45I tower over everyone in my family as it is.
03:48Yeah, I know. You told me.
03:53Richard, you know I wouldn't hurt you for anything in the world.
03:59I should hope not. I'm very sensitive.
04:05What I'm trying to tell you is that Gregor Mendel wouldn't approve of you.
04:11Who's he?
04:12Richard, I have to think of my children.
04:15Pass the ketchup.
04:19I can't marry you, Richard.
04:21Pass the mustard, please.
04:23It's nothing personal, Richard. It's just that it's the law of genetics.
04:28Pass the mustard, please.
04:31Richard, you see, your looks really aren't bad.
04:35It's just that I doubt if it's what Mendel had in mind for me.
04:41I can't afford to take a chance. I have to find somebody who's perfect.
04:45You see, if your maternal grandmother and grandfather had had a college education
04:49and your paternal grandmother and grandfather had a higher IQ
04:52and your father was a few inches taller...
04:54Wait a minute. They're my ancestors you're attacking.
04:57I'm not attacking anybody. It's Mendel. He says that...
05:01I don't care what he says. If my family's not good enough for you,
05:05then I'm not good enough for you.
05:08That's what I've been trying to tell you.
05:23Oh, excuse me. Are you Edward Donaldson?
05:27No. I'm just a member of the Edward Donaldson fan club.
05:33My name is Patty Lane and I was wondering if you'd help me with a survey I'm making.
05:37Shoot.
05:38Thank you. Let's start with your height. How tall are you, Edward?
05:44Edward.
05:48Edward!
05:50What now?
05:51How tall are you, please?
05:525'11 and a half.
05:55Perfect.
05:56In the morning.
05:58In the morning?
05:59Persons always taller when they first get up.
06:01Read that once in a comic book.
06:06You read comic books?
06:07Sure. Hey, did you see what happened to the mass surfer?
06:11Yeah.
06:13He just got washed out.
06:25Hi, Kenny.
06:27Oh, hello, Patty. Gee, I haven't seen you since last summer.
06:30I've been busy.
06:31You know, I asked you for a date in July and you said you'd look in your book and let me know.
06:35I just looked. The answer is yes.
06:37Do you really mean that?
06:38Of course I mean it.
06:39Well, what about Richard Harrison?
06:41Oh, he's okay, but his jeans flunked.
06:43Huh?
06:44Nothing.
06:45Well, you've grown since last year.
06:46Yeah, three inches.
06:47Your father must be a giant.
06:49Well, there's a very funny part about it. There's no one in my family over 5'5".
06:53How about that?
06:54How about that?
06:55Say, when can I take you out to dinner?
06:56I'll look in my book and let you know.
07:07Patty, what are you doing?
07:08Who, me?
07:10What are you doing in that file?
07:12I'm looking for something.
07:14And I found it.
07:16I'm trying to find out which boy has the highest IQ.
07:20And you know who it is?
07:21Rodion Zeblinsky.
07:23Do you know him?
07:24No.
07:25Neither do I.
07:27But I'm going to.
07:29I can see him now.
07:31Tall.
07:33Romantic.
07:34Brilliant.
07:35Rodion, I love you.
07:37How does that sound?
07:38Like you're in trouble.
07:43Zeblinsky.
07:52Hello, Miss Gray.
07:54Hello, Patty. How are you?
07:55Fine, thank you. Miss Gray, I wonder if you could help me?
07:57I'm looking for Rodion Zeblinsky.
07:59Yes, he's over there.
08:06Hello there.
08:08Hello.
08:09You look just like I knew you would.
08:11I do?
08:12Yep. Tell me, Rodion, how...
08:14Oh, you're looking for Rodion.
08:16Hey, Ro.
08:17Yeah?
08:18Someone's looking for you.
08:22You looking for me?
08:24Are you Rodion Zeblinsky?
08:26Yeah.
08:28Rodion, would you stand up, please?
08:34I am standing.
08:52Patty, I have to talk to you.
08:55Richard, please don't make it difficult.
08:56I told you, it's all over between us.
08:59Yeah, but you didn't tell me why.
09:01Just trust me, Richard.
09:02It's bigger than both of us.
09:04I suppose you mean Kenny.
09:06Richard, everybody's looking at us.
09:09Have you seen him? Have you seen him?
09:10He's coming down the hall.
09:11He who?
09:12Him!
09:13And your cousin Kathy's with him.
09:15Oh, my God.
09:16Oh, my God.
09:18Oh, my God.
09:19Oh, my God.
09:20He's with him.
09:24Hello, Physiology 1.
09:26Hello.
09:37I'm Noble.
09:38That's a name, not a characteristic.
09:43It must be the material, because my delivery isn't that good.
09:46Anyway, I'm your substitute teacher.
09:49Sorry to say that Mrs. Keeler will be out of action for about a week,
09:53a victim of the flu bug.
09:57Well, there's a...
09:58There's no cause for alarm.
09:59I've come fully equipped.
10:02I'll say he has.
10:06Mrs. Keeler has given me her assignment book,
10:08and I've got a very able assistant, Mrs. Kathy Lane.
10:12Now, Mrs. Keeler told me that this is a very fine class,
10:17and I'm pleased to be here.
10:25I'm sure we'll become very, very good friends.
10:28Say that again.
10:41Hi.
10:58Hi there.
10:59Oh, hi.
11:00I didn't know if there was anybody in here.
11:02I was just having my lunch.
11:04Oh, well, if you're busy, I'll...
11:05No, no. All done.
11:06All done.
11:10Now, what can I do for you?
11:13Oh, I'm not sure if there's anything anyone can do for me.
11:16Well, I'm sure it's not all that bad.
11:18I have a problem.
11:20I've gathered that. What's your name?
11:22Patty. Patty Lane.
11:23I'm Kathy Lane's cousin. You know, your physiology assistant.
11:26Oh, yes. The little girl did the study on the guinea pig.
11:30Yes, she's a very gifted girl, Kathy.
11:32Yeah.
11:34I just don't dig the genetics bit.
11:37Well, it's really very simple.
11:39Not for me.
11:41I need help.
11:43Well, you could always try studying a little harder.
11:45I hardly study now.
11:47I mean, I study hard now.
11:50I see.
11:51Do you take notes in class?
11:53Like crazy.
11:55Do you ask questions when you don't understand?
11:57Constantly.
11:58I've tried everything.
11:59Well, what about an extra credit report?
12:02That's it.
12:03Now, why didn't I think of that?
12:05I'll do a report just like Kathy's.
12:07And you and I can work on it together.
12:10Well, Kathy did a very difficult project.
12:13Oh, I know, but I'm very willing.
12:15And if I do a good job, it'll be sure to bring up my grades.
12:17How can I miss with you helping me?
12:20Well, you certainly are very enthusiastic.
12:22Oh, you have no idea.
12:24All right. I can let you use Hilda, my assistant.
12:28I can let you use Hilda, my pet rabbit.
12:32She should be a mother in about a week's time.
12:34Oh, really?
12:36Oh, well, I'll take very good care of her, Mr. Noble.
12:38Don't you worry. I'll treat her just as if she was...
12:41ours.
12:43I'll jot down some family background of hers for you.
12:47Oh, good. Thank you. I appreciate that very much.
12:50At least it'll help you out and give you a start.
12:52Now, Patty, feel free to check with me any time
12:55if you want any more information on this family background business. Right?
12:59Oh, I will. I will. Thank you.
13:04Come on, Hilda.
13:14Bye.
13:21Hi.
13:22Hi, Patty. How are you this morning?
13:24Fine, except for one problem.
13:25Yes?
13:26In order to figure out what Hilda's offspring will look like, I need a little more information.
13:30I was wondering about her grandfather on her father's side.
13:33You said his fur was dark, but you didn't say exactly what color.
13:37Well, kind of an off-brown, as I recall.
13:41I'll bet your grandfather on your father's side had dark hair, too, just like you.
13:44Yes. All the men on my father's side of the family had dark hair for generations.
13:48And on your mother's side?
13:50Well, kind of hard to recall. She had a pretty large family.
13:52Oh. Well, thanks for the information on Hilda.
13:55Right.
13:56See you at lunch.
13:57Right.
14:04And Hilda's father has bright pink eyes.
14:06And so does your father.
14:08Have bright blue eyes.
14:10Yeah.
14:11What about your grandmother?
14:13What about her?
14:14What color eyes does she have?
14:17Patty, I fail to see the significance.
14:20Just curious. I've become fascinated by genetics.
14:24I'm very glad to hear that.
14:25And it's all you're doing.
14:28Did your grandfather go to college?
14:32Are you sure you're not confusing me with Hilda?
14:35Well, I could never confuse you with anyone.
14:38I can't wait to see that book.
14:41I keep expecting you to ask me how far I can jump, or whether or not I can twitch my nose.
14:47Can you?
14:49Patty, I think you've enough information on Hilda.
14:52I suggest you go and finish your chart.
14:56Yes, sir.
14:58Patty.
14:59Yes?
15:01Try to remember that figures can lie.
15:05And heredity predictions don't always turn out exactly.
15:09Not always.
15:11But this one will.
15:19I mean, none of us has a chance with you hogging him all the time.
15:24Oink.
15:25Oh, Patty.
15:27If you don't stop acting like a pig about this, it's going to mean war.
15:32Well, what'll it be?
15:34Are you going to share him or hog him?
15:38Just call me Porky.
15:39Patty.
15:41Dear.
15:43I thought we were at war.
15:45Oh.
15:46We are.
15:47But we want to know just one thing.
15:50What's he really like?
15:52Well, if anyone knows Mr. Noble, you do.
15:57Mr. Noble is perfect.
15:59Absolutely perfect.
16:01You know something?
16:02What?
16:03Mr. Mendel would have loved him.
16:17Come on.
16:25Yes?
16:26I want my girl back.
16:28What's that?
16:29I said, I want my girl back, sir.
16:32Well, who are you and who's your girl?
16:34Patty. Patty Lane.
16:35And I'm Richard Harrison.
16:38I see.
16:40You can't hit me. You're older than I am.
16:43Now, don't be ridiculous. I don't want to hit you. I want to help.
16:46You do?
16:47You want to help me get Patty back?
16:49I'll do everything I can.
16:51I don't think you can help me.
16:52She thinks I'm ugly.
16:54What? Patty said that?
16:55Well, not exactly, but that's what she meant.
16:57She thinks all my relatives are apes.
17:04Tell me something, Richard.
17:06Has Patty been asking you a lot of questions about your ancestors?
17:10Has she?
17:11She's been picking my family tree apart limb from limb.
17:17I wish I did.
17:20What's gotten into her?
17:22Well, the feeling is not too serious.
17:24The only way I can get her back is to have plastic surgery and find a new family to adopt me.
17:30I don't think you have to go quite to that extreme.
17:32You mean that you think there's a chance I could get her back?
17:35Yes, I would say so.
17:36Well, what do I have to do?
17:38All you have to do is wait.
17:39For what?
17:40For Hilda.
17:41To have her babies.
17:47Hi, Mr. Noble.
17:48Hello, Patty.
17:49I was just going by your room to return this book.
17:51That's a very becoming dress.
17:53Oh, this whole thing, I just threw it on.
17:55Oh, some good news. Mrs. Keeler's coming back on Monday.
17:58Hello, Mr. Noble.
18:00I mean, cheers.
18:02Oh, that's great news.
18:04Oh, you'll be teaching one of the other classes, though.
18:06No, I'm afraid not. I think I'll be leaving.
18:08Leaving?
18:11Where will you go?
18:12Well, I've been offered many positions. I could teach in Florida.
18:15Oh, that's too hot.
18:16Or Montana.
18:17Too cold.
18:18Chicago.
18:19Too windy. New York is the perfect climate.
18:21I'm very pleased that you're happy here.
18:23Oh, don't misunderstand. I could be happy in Florida or Chicago or Montana.
18:28I mean, home is where the heart is.
18:32Do you like to travel a lot?
18:33Yes.
18:34Did your grandfather like to travel?
18:36Did your grandfather like to travel?
18:37Yes, my grandfather liked to travel. My grandmother liked to travel.
18:41As a matter of fact, we're a very traveling family.
18:45Groovy.
18:51You wouldn't like to come to dinner tonight, would you?
18:54I'm afraid I can't, Patty.
18:56Oh, that's too bad.
18:59I think Hilda might have her babies tonight.
19:01She really?
19:02Oh, yeah.
19:03Well, be there.
19:04Do you mean it?
19:05Indeed I do.
19:06Oh, Groovy.
19:08I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
19:10Mr. Noble, you love my family.
19:13Sure I will.
19:15Here's the address.
19:16Seven o'clock?
19:17Groovy.
19:18I'll go out and buy you a double chocolate fudge cake.
19:21See you at seven.
19:26How does that look, Mama?
19:27Well, I think it looks lovely to you.
19:28Oh, you shouldn't have gone to all that trouble for me.
19:30We didn't. We're having a dinner guest.
19:32Oh?
19:34Do I know her?
19:35Mr. Noble is coming to dinner.
19:37Well, well. So I finally get to meet the great man.
19:41You will be nice to him, won't you, Papa?
19:43No. I'll be my usual snarling self.
19:46Oh, you'll love him, Papa. He's really special.
19:49He must be. You haven't talked about anything else all week.
19:52I know I shouldn't ask this, but how's Richard?
19:55You mean poor Richard?
19:57Oh, is that who I mean?
19:58He flunked the gene test.
20:00I'm sorry I asked.
20:03Mr. Noble's here. He's early.
20:06He's probably hungry.
20:07What'll I do?
20:09Try opening the front door.
20:12Yeah.
20:21Come in.
20:24Boy, you're all hospitality, aren't you?
20:26Richard, what are you doing here?
20:28You just opened the door and said, come in.
20:31We have nothing to talk about.
20:33Yes, we do. I found out who Gregor Mendel is.
20:36So?
20:37So all your problems are over.
20:39Good thing. Can we talk about it tomorrow?
20:40Oh, wait a minute. I'd like to talk about it now.
20:43You seem nervous.
20:46Who? Me? Nervous? What have I got to be nervous about?
20:51I'm not nervous.
20:52Me? Nervous? What have I got to be nervous about?
20:58That must be Alice.
21:00Richard, why don't you go out the back door?
21:03You're awful anxious to get rid of me, aren't you?
21:05No.
21:08Look, Richard, I'll make a deal with you.
21:09You go out the back door now and I'll meet you tomorrow at the shake shop and we'll really discuss it.
21:13Do you promise?
21:14Cross my heart.
21:15Okay.
21:18Tell Alice I said hello to him.
21:22I'm sorry.
21:34Good evening.
21:36Yes.
21:38How's Hilda?
21:40Hilda? Oh, Hilda's fine.
21:43Won't you come in?
21:45Mr. Noble, I know exactly how many babies she's going to have and just what they're going to look like.
21:49You see, I've really been working on it and I think...
21:51Patty.
21:55Never mind.
21:56Mr. Noble, how do you do? I'm Patty's mother.
21:59And this is my husband, Mr. Lane.
22:01How do you do? Nice to meet you.
22:04Genetics is a fascinating science. I did some experiments in it when I was a boy.
22:08It really works, too.
22:10Well, only to a degree, honey.
22:12What do you mean?
22:13Your father means it's not an exact science.
22:16It's exact enough for me.
22:17Your mother.
22:19Hilda must have had her babies while we were eating.
22:22Hey, Hilda had her babies.
22:26There are going to be six of them. Three dark brown, three light brown.
22:31Four.
22:32That can't be. I had it all figured out.
22:34I guess Hilda had some ideas of her own.
22:36Oh, I think they're darling.
22:39That's not the point, Mama.
22:41I scientifically predicted how many there were going to be and what they were going to look like.
22:44And I was wrong.
22:46Now, I conducted my experiment just like Kathy.
22:49Well, Kathy's didn't always work out right, either.
22:51They have to.
22:52What about Mendel?
22:54Patty, there are dominant genes and there are recessive genes.
22:57And the recessive genes show up pretty much when they feel like it.
22:59Now, no one can predict them.
23:03Now you tell me.
23:04Well, I was going to tell you earlier, but I thought it was best that you'd learn by yourself.
23:09You knew what I was doing all along.
23:12I guess I got a little over-scientific.
23:15Well, science is a pretty wonderful thing, Patty,
23:17but there are certain things in life that you can't plan with a computer.
23:23Yes, sir.
23:25You know something?
23:27I'm kind of relieved.
23:28Are you?
23:30Mm-hmm.
23:31Because when it comes right down to Mendel or Richard,
23:34I'll take Richard.
23:36See you later.
23:37Where are you going, dear?
23:38Rich is picking me up. We're going to the shake shop.
23:40So that's on again.
23:42It was never really off, Papa.
23:44You know, last night, Rich and I had a long talk.
23:46You know what we'd like?
23:47A beautiful Cape Cod house with a patio and lots of trees in Connecticut, near a lake.
23:53So would I.
23:54I'm glad everything's all right with you two.
23:56I'm glad everything's all right.
23:57I'm glad everything's all right.
23:58I'm glad everything's all right.
23:59I'm glad everything's all right.
24:00I'm glad everything's all right.
24:01I'm glad everything's all right.
24:02I'm glad everything's all right.
24:03I'm glad everything's all right with you two.
24:05Couldn't be better.
24:07Mendel sure had a lot to learn.
24:09Did he?
24:10Yeah.
24:12Statistics aren't everything, Papa.
24:14He forgot the magic ingredient.
24:16What's that?
24:18Love.
24:20My children may not have blue eyes and black hair.
24:23They may not be geniuses.
24:25Do you know what they are going to be?
24:27What?
24:29Mine.
24:31All mine.
24:34♪
24:48♪ Here's Cathy who's lived most everywhere.
24:51♪ From Zanzibar to Farkly Square.
24:54♪ But Cathy's only seen the sights a girl can see from Brooklyn Heights.
24:58♪ What a crazy pair.
25:00♪ But they're cousins.
25:03♪ Identical cousins and you'll find.
25:07♪ They laugh alike.
25:08♪ They walk alike.
25:09♪ At times they even talk alike.
25:11♪ You can lose your mind.
25:13♪ When cousins are two of a kind.
25:19♪