New English movie
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00I mean, I'm 30,000 feet in the air, right? They're saying, Kevin, come on, please. Kevin,
00:00:20you gotta put on the parachute. Everybody's going, please, please, Kev. At this point,
00:00:24they're begging me.
00:00:25Well, tell me that the story ends with you wearing the parachute.
00:00:28Absolutely fucking not. No. No. No, I want it to be authentic, right? It's got to be
00:00:33real.
00:00:34Yeah.
00:00:35You know what Tom Cruise calls parachutes? Diapers.
00:00:36Is that because they fill up when you're falling?
00:00:38No. Tom told me, he said, Kev, they put me in a parachute, they might as well put a diaper
00:00:42on me and send me to pasture.
00:00:44Look, Kevin, you know, based on the success of the first one, we see massive franchise
00:00:50potential with the Jeffersons. And, you know, your agent just keeps saying that you might
00:00:53be waffling on doing a sequel, and I'm just here to ask, is it about the money?
00:00:57Look, Deb, the Jeffersons is amazing, right? We did amazing work there. But I'll be honest,
00:01:02when I walk on that set, I feel like I'm being babysat. I mean, they give me goddamn stunt
00:01:07coordinators. I have stage managers, wires, green screens.
00:01:13Yes, and somehow you still manage to jump out of an airplane without a shoot.
00:01:18I wasn't telling the truth when I told you that, but I forgot to say I was lying. So
00:01:22let's take a pause, right? Put a pin in that so you understand that wasn't the truth. I
00:01:26had to make that up. It was pretending. But you know why I got to pretend? Because I'm
00:01:29not a real action star, Deb.
00:01:31Kevin, you took a sitcom about a dry cleaner and you turned him into motherfucking Jason
00:01:35Bourne, okay? You are a real action star.
00:01:39No, not yet.
00:01:40Not yet?
00:01:41No. But I will be when you fund my next project.
00:01:46Okay.
00:01:47Deb, now look, what I'm about to tell you is going to seem crazy at first, but I promise
00:01:51you if you give it a chance, you'll get it. Close your eyes.
00:01:55Okay.
00:01:56Deb, I want you to picture yourself going up a mountain.
00:02:02On the ground, let's go!
00:02:05Alright, you rich assholes!
00:02:09Do it! Go like this! Jewelry! All your fancy shit!
00:02:13What are you taking so long?
00:02:14Put it in the bag, let's go!
00:02:18Everything shiny, let's go!
00:02:21Keep it in the bag, let's go!
00:02:23Hey, come this way.
00:02:25I don't have all day here!
00:02:30Trying to hide, little man?
00:02:34The fuck did you just call me?
00:02:37Bet you got a big wallet for such a little man. Now put it in the bag!
00:02:44You want my wallet? Huh?
00:02:47Give it back, I got this.
00:02:48You got what?
00:02:51I want your gun!
00:02:52Shit! You believe this fucking clown?
00:02:57Give me your head!
00:03:06You think you're the first man in history to shoot somebody with a safety on?
00:03:10Huh?
00:03:21I don't like guns.
00:03:23Ah, shit!
00:03:26No! Goddammit!
00:03:27Shit!
00:03:40Ah!
00:03:43Nice to beef you, motherfucker.
00:03:52Hey, it's not about me, it's about you.
00:03:55I'm glad that everybody's safe.
00:03:57It's a crazy world that we're living in.
00:03:59A lot of nut jobs out here.
00:04:00Kevin.
00:04:01Kevin?
00:04:03What just happened?
00:04:05Real goddamn action.
00:04:08That's what just happened.
00:04:09Okay.
00:04:10Real fucking action.
00:04:11That's the adrenaline that I want audiences across the globe to feel, Deb.
00:04:15Is that that this was all staged?
00:04:17Yeah, all of it. They're actors.
00:04:19I just wanted to give you a little taste of what our movie was about, right?
00:04:22This is the movie that we're gonna make.
00:04:24So what I did was, I brought an outlaw, right?
00:04:26A little rough outlaw.
00:04:27I'll give you a little heavy idea about what we're gonna do.
00:04:29Oh, boy.
00:04:31The world of our movie lives in improvised action.
00:04:35It's spontaneous ass whoopings. That's what this is about.
00:04:38That guy spontaneously hit you with a gun.
00:04:40He's my Larry.
00:04:41Larry, hey, you got me good.
00:04:43I'm gonna feel that one.
00:04:45Yeah, you are.
00:04:46Yeah, goddamn right.
00:04:47Fucking Larry.
00:04:48You're not well.
00:04:49Oh, no, you're not well.
00:04:50This is about me getting the respect that I deserve as an action star, Deb.
00:04:57What is it that you want me to say here?
00:04:59What do I want you to say, Deb?
00:05:00I want you to say, I'll do it.
00:05:04My answer is no.
00:05:06Never. This is never going to happen.
00:05:08Not at my studio or anyone else's.
00:05:09No, please. No.
00:05:10Can you just give it a...
00:05:11No, no, no, no, no.
00:05:12Deb, can you just...
00:05:14Can you just please give it a read, okay?
00:05:18Here.
00:05:20There you go.
00:05:21That's all I want.
00:05:22Can you just...
00:05:26I'll read it.
00:05:29We did it!
00:05:31Yeah!
00:05:36Thank you.
00:05:50Hello, Mr. Greenlight.
00:05:52She loved it, right?
00:05:53I told you she was gonna love it.
00:05:55What's the budget she gave you?
00:05:56$300 million?
00:05:57$500 million for this?
00:05:59Just drive.
00:06:01I am so sorry.
00:06:02Kevin, that's not...
00:06:03That is not fair.
00:06:04You are a king.
00:06:05And this town doesn't deserve you.
00:06:06Do you hear me?
00:06:07You are a king.
00:06:08You are my king.
00:06:09Praise.
00:06:10Praise.
00:06:11Wait a second.
00:06:12Is that her right there?
00:06:13Is that her?
00:06:14The one throwing away the script?
00:06:15Is that her right there?
00:06:16Excuse me, ma'am.
00:06:17Excuse me, ma'am in the red jacket.
00:06:19How are you?
00:06:20Kevin Darnell Hart is a national treasure.
00:06:22A national treasure?
00:06:23Just drive the car.
00:06:24We're gonna drive the car.
00:06:25But honestly, we're gonna drive the car.
00:06:27We're gonna drive the car.
00:06:29We're gonna drive the car.
00:06:30But honestly, get your shit together.
00:06:31Andrew.
00:06:32Nice to meet you.
00:06:33Drive the fucking car.
00:06:34Andrew.
00:06:45Today is gonna be the most amazing day of your life.
00:06:48Your paper.
00:06:49You say the same thing every day, Andrew, and every day you're wrong.
00:06:52Oh, well, come on.
00:06:53You're just cranky because you haven't had your tofu tahini smoothie.
00:06:56I'll get that for you right now.
00:06:57Sophie, his TT?
00:06:58I really hate that you call it that.
00:06:59There we go.
00:07:00Big gulps.
00:07:01There you go.
00:07:02No, I'm cranky because the movie of my dreams just flamed.
00:07:06Okay, now I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life.
00:07:08Well, I mean, come on, man.
00:07:09You still love us.
00:07:10That's amazing, right?
00:07:11You have us.
00:07:12The hell does that mean?
00:07:13Who?
00:07:14Hannah, Sophie, me, your man TJ right over here.
00:07:17I'm talking about your village.
00:07:19I know what you need.
00:07:20I know what you need.
00:07:21A massage.
00:07:22Nina, you all set up to do hot stones?
00:07:24I can be in about 10 minutes.
00:07:25She can be in about 10 minutes.
00:07:28Kevin, the crew are ready whenever you are.
00:07:30Yeah, I'm ready.
00:07:32You got this!
00:07:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:07:34There you go.
00:07:36Oh, God.
00:07:37How you doing?
00:07:38Good, great.
00:07:39Kev, now just pretend you're biking through the Swiss Alps.
00:07:43We'll CG the Alps in later.
00:07:45What is that?
00:07:47I'm on foot, though.
00:07:48I need a bike.
00:07:49We'll CG that in, too.
00:07:50Action!
00:07:54You just want me to...
00:07:55Just go for it.
00:07:56Act like I'm riding a bike.
00:07:58Exactly.
00:07:59Straight arms.
00:08:00Kevin, look at this.
00:08:01Kevin, look at this.
00:08:03Hey, man.
00:08:04Not...
00:08:05No.
00:08:06I can't do this shit.
00:08:08I can't.
00:08:09I cannot do this shit anymore.
00:08:13All right?
00:08:14I'm tired of the CGI and the goddamn green screens.
00:08:17All this fake shit.
00:08:19No.
00:08:20I want real fucking action.
00:08:23Kevin, no.
00:08:24Kevin, no.
00:08:27You know what's the ETA on those hot stones?
00:08:35It appears A-list actor Kevin Hart is back in the news again.
00:08:39Star of the high-octane reboot of The Jeffersons,
00:08:42Hart has spent his own money destroying a high-end Hollywood restaurant
00:08:46in an attempt to woo a studio boss into financing what he refers to
00:08:50as a cinéma vérité-style action film.
00:08:53This comes just a year after the actor famously fired
00:08:56his longtime stuntman, Doug Eubanks,
00:08:59in the middle of production, a decision that left insiders dumbfounded.
00:09:03Bring me this, man.
00:09:06Bring me this.
00:09:08Kevin Hart.
00:09:13Wow.
00:09:14This is big, man.
00:09:16No, like, this is really big.
00:09:19I don't think you understand.
00:09:20I cast my dream out into the universe, and guess what?
00:09:23Karl Stromberg comes running.
00:09:25Absolutely.
00:09:26Yeah.
00:09:27Yeah.
00:09:28But I gotta say, boss, I don't like it.
00:09:30I mean, you don't even know this guy, right?
00:09:32I tried to look him up, and nothing came up on Google.
00:09:35Duh.
00:09:36It's because he's European.
00:09:37They got their own Google.
00:09:38Everybody knows that.
00:09:39All right?
00:09:40Listen, the guy's loaded.
00:09:41Got tons of money.
00:09:42And if his desire is to make my movie, then so be it.
00:09:45I'm good.
00:09:46I can't do it, boss.
00:09:47I am so sorry.
00:09:48I can't do it.
00:09:49My job is to look out for your best interests.
00:09:50And I don't really think that...
00:09:51Uh, what did you just say?
00:09:52My job to look out for your...
00:09:53It is not your job.
00:09:54As a matter of fact, that's the complete opposite of your job.
00:09:57You know who looks out for me, Andre?
00:09:59Me.
00:10:00That's who looks out for me.
00:10:01Me.
00:10:02OK?
00:10:03You know what?
00:10:04Pull over.
00:10:05What?
00:10:06Pull over.
00:10:07I'm driving myself.
00:10:08I don't want you driving.
00:10:09No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:10:10Kevin, you can't drive yourself.
00:10:11You need me.
00:10:12You need me.
00:10:13I do not need you.
00:10:14Correction.
00:10:15I don't need you.
00:10:16I didn't need my stuntman.
00:10:17I don't need you in my life.
00:10:18Pull over.
00:10:19Don't...
00:10:20Don't hold the wheel in the middle.
00:10:21Shut up, Andre.
00:10:22I said shut up.
00:10:23I don't know how to drive.
00:10:24We know.
00:10:25We all know.
00:10:26He knows how to drive a car.
00:10:27We know.
00:10:28But let's say you put your hand down.
00:10:29You pop it in D.
00:10:30Pop it in first.
00:10:31Nope.
00:10:32That's reverse.
00:10:33Go.
00:10:34You know what?
00:10:35Why don't I help you out?
00:10:36I'll get in there.
00:10:37I'll start her up.
00:10:38I'll roll out.
00:10:39Everybody will think it was you.
00:10:40I don't want your help.
00:10:41Good, good, good, good, good.
00:10:42Good, good, good, good.
00:10:43Smooth.
00:10:44Very smooth.
00:10:45You're leaning.
00:10:47You're leaning.
00:10:48Fuck off.
00:10:49I'll drive all the way home.
00:11:11So Carl.
00:11:12Carl.
00:11:13What is it?
00:11:14What is that you do for a living, man?
00:11:15I made my fortune mining precious metals.
00:11:20Now I finance films, primarily in the Balkans.
00:11:25Once in North Korea.
00:11:26It's probably hard to get permits over there, huh?
00:11:28Permits are for cowards.
00:11:31Your outline is dangerous.
00:11:36It's violent.
00:11:37There's almost no narrative that makes sense to a regular human being.
00:11:41I am not a regular human being.
00:11:43No.
00:11:45I am Carl Stromberg.
00:11:48Yeah.
00:11:49And that is why.
00:11:53I will finance this film for you.
00:11:56What did you just say to me?
00:11:58You telling me that you're going to finance my goddamn movie?
00:12:01Huh?
00:12:04Dude, you just made my day, man.
00:12:05And I don't have to do my pitch.
00:12:07It's my pitch.
00:12:08I was in a dark place, Carl.
00:12:10I was in a real dark place, man.
00:12:12You just pulled me out of a dark place.
00:12:14It's because people underestimate you.
00:12:16Yeah.
00:12:17When you left comedy for an action,
00:12:19they said you'd fail.
00:12:21When you fired your stuntman to do your own stunts,
00:12:25they said you would fail.
00:12:27You heard about that?
00:12:28Everyone heard about that.
00:12:29It's only you and Tom Cruise that do your own stunts.
00:12:31And I don't have to do my pitch.
00:12:33My pitch is expensive.
00:12:34I don't want to break all this glass stuff in here
00:12:36because I know I got to pay for it.
00:12:38Tom Cruise and you do your own stunts now.
00:12:40That's a fact.
00:12:42Two peas in a pod, man.
00:12:44What's going on?
00:12:45What you doing?
00:12:47This film, Kevin, will put you in your own category.
00:12:56One pea in one pod.
00:13:00Yes, right.
00:13:01That's right.
00:13:02One pea, one pod.
00:13:05Hell, yeah.
00:13:07You know what, man?
00:13:08I know we just met,
00:13:09but I feel like I've known you for a long time
00:13:11because you get me.
00:13:13I'm so sick of this CG and this green screen shit.
00:13:19So what did you think of the story, Carl?
00:13:21No one watches movies for the story.
00:13:24Yeah.
00:13:25They watch it for the action.
00:13:28And the venerity.
00:13:32I don't really...
00:13:34I don't really have any dick in my script.
00:13:37But if you want something,
00:13:38if you feel like people want to see dick,
00:13:39I can hand some dick.
00:13:41I'm not afraid to go full frontal.
00:13:43I'll do it, right?
00:13:45If that's what the people want.
00:13:47My biggest thing, though, is the action, man.
00:13:49I just don't want to see it coming, right?
00:13:51I want to be caught off guard.
00:13:52You will shit your pants.
00:13:53What you talking about?
00:13:54We will have to change your pants a bit about all times
00:13:57for when you shit your pants.
00:14:01Because I'm scared.
00:14:02You will shit.
00:14:04I will shit.
00:14:05You will shit.
00:14:06Yeah.
00:14:07Your pants.
00:14:08I'll shit my goddamn pants.
00:14:09You will shit.
00:14:10I want to shit.
00:14:11You will shit.
00:14:12All right, I want to shit.
00:14:13You want to shit?
00:14:14Yeah, I will shit.
00:14:15You shit your pants.
00:14:17I'm ready to shit my pants, Carl.
00:14:20I want to shit my pants.
00:14:22Right now.
00:14:24When do we start slacking shit?
00:14:27We already have.
00:14:29There's a camera hidden right behind you.
00:14:34Oh!
00:14:36I think I see it.
00:14:38The little, the black, the space with the black, right?
00:14:50Ugh.
00:14:55Ugh.
00:14:59Ugh.
00:15:04Ugh.
00:15:11Ugh.
00:15:12Ugh.
00:15:13Ugh.
00:15:14Ugh.
00:15:15Ugh.
00:15:16Ugh!
00:15:17Ugh.
00:15:18Ugh!
00:15:19Ugh!
00:15:20Ugh.
00:15:21Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:15:25Ah!
00:15:26Ah.
00:15:27Ah.
00:15:28Ah.
00:15:29Ah!
00:15:30Ah!
00:15:31Back up!
00:15:32Get your ass back!
00:15:33I don't know who you think you're messing with, but I tell you, you got...
00:15:38Oh, shit!
00:15:39You're gonna fucking eat my ass!
00:15:40You're gonna eat my ass and set me on fire and some shit, ain't you?
00:15:46Who are you?
00:15:47Huh?
00:15:48Where am I?
00:15:49Tell me where I'm at.
00:15:50Oh, who?
00:15:51Wait a minute.
00:15:52Do you work for...
00:15:53Do you work for Karl Strumberg?
00:15:55I said, do you work for Karl Strumberg?
00:15:56Okay.
00:15:57Okay.
00:15:58Okay, we in it.
00:15:59This is it.
00:16:00We're doing it.
00:16:01Okay, Karl?
00:16:02I like it.
00:16:03I like it.
00:16:04Um...
00:16:05Okay, shit.
00:16:06Okay, let me see.
00:16:07Where are we?
00:16:08Where are we in the script?
00:16:09God, my adrenaline is flowing so much.
00:16:10Oh, shit.
00:16:11Oh, shit.
00:16:12Oh, shit.
00:16:13Oh, shit.
00:16:14Oh, shit.
00:16:15Oh, shit.
00:16:16Oh, shit.
00:16:17Oh, shit.
00:16:18Oh, shit.
00:16:19Oh, shit.
00:16:20Oh, shit.
00:16:21Oh, shit.
00:16:22Oh, shit.
00:16:23Oh, shit.
00:16:24Oh, shit.
00:16:25Oh, shit.
00:16:26Oh, shit.
00:16:27Oh, shit.
00:16:28Oh, shit.
00:16:29Oh, shit.
00:16:30Oh, shit.
00:16:31Oh, shit.
00:16:32Oh, shit.
00:16:33Oh, shit.
00:16:34Oh, shit.
00:16:35Oh, shit.
00:16:36Oh, shit.
00:16:37Oh, shit.
00:16:38Oh, shit.
00:16:39Oh, shit.
00:16:40Oh, shit.
00:16:41Oh, shit.
00:16:42Oh, shit.
00:16:43Oh, shit.
00:16:44Oh, shit.
00:16:45Oh, shit.
00:16:46Oh, shit.
00:16:47Oh, shit.
00:16:48Oh, shit.
00:16:49Oh, shit.
00:16:50Oh, shit.
00:16:51Oh, shit.
00:16:52You got a line, you say your part, then I'll react off of that, because what you say sets
00:16:59me up to now.
00:17:00Unless you're not Union.
00:17:01Is he Union or no?
00:17:02Guys?
00:17:03Can you not just?
00:17:04Okay.
00:17:05Oh, rewrite.
00:17:06There must have been pink pages.
00:17:07Okay.
00:17:08Let me get back in it.
00:17:09What you gonna do with those?
00:17:10Chop off my finger?
00:17:11Cut off my leg?
00:17:12My foot?
00:17:13Newsflash, I don't need one foot to kick your ass.
00:17:28That is a trailer moment.
00:17:30Guys, I only...
00:17:31Good evening.
00:17:32Do not use the shears on this man.
00:17:33Is that...
00:17:34Is that the producer?
00:17:35Is that Carl?
00:17:36Carl!
00:17:37He must atone for his sins.
00:17:38What is that?
00:17:39Atone for my...
00:17:40I don't know.
00:17:41He must feel the pain he has made others feel.
00:17:50Yeah, I'm lost, guys.
00:17:54I don't know where we are.
00:17:55If we're gonna do rewrites, you guys gotta give me the pages.
00:18:00I'm staying in.
00:18:01I'm staying in.
00:18:02Okay.
00:18:03All right.
00:18:04Okay.
00:18:05Why don't we take it easy?
00:18:06Because I know why you're mad, huh?
00:18:07You're mad because I...
00:18:08Stop right there.
00:18:09Let's stop right there.
00:18:10No, no, no.
00:18:11Let's make that your mark.
00:18:12Whoa.
00:18:13Nope.
00:18:14Stop right there.
00:18:15Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:18:16Whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:18:17Hey!
00:18:18No!
00:18:19Fuck you!
00:18:20Wait!
00:18:21Hey, hey, hey, hey!
00:18:22Hey, man!
00:18:23Hey!
00:18:24No, no, no, no, no.
00:18:25Don't cut my dick.
00:18:26Don't cut my dick.
00:18:27Okay, use it.
00:18:28Use it.
00:18:29I'm gonna use it.
00:18:30Stay in it.
00:18:31Yeah!
00:18:33Yeah!
00:18:43Dude.
00:18:46Come on.
00:18:48Come on.
00:19:03Damn it.
00:19:05No, not today.
00:19:07Yeah!
00:19:09Did we get it?
00:19:10Huh?
00:19:12Spin it.
00:19:13We got it.
00:19:14Yeah.
00:19:19I'm coming for your ass, Montoya.
00:19:22This looks incredible.
00:19:24So good.
00:19:28Shit.
00:19:30This Montoya's men.
00:19:33Come on.
00:19:44Jordan?
00:19:45What the hell are you doing in here?
00:19:50Son of a bitch.
00:19:51Did they hurt you?
00:19:53Did they hurt you?
00:19:54Kevin, what the hell is going on?
00:19:56The uranium heist.
00:19:57That's what's going on.
00:19:59I already handled Bartholomew.
00:20:01But you know what, Montoya?
00:20:02He's not gonna let us off as easy.
00:20:05What the hell are you talking about?
00:20:09I was walking my dog,
00:20:10and someone hit me in the fucking neck
00:20:12with a tranquilizer dart.
00:20:14Huh?
00:20:15And I ended up here.
00:20:16What are you talking about?
00:20:18You didn't talk to Karl Strumberg?
00:20:19Who?
00:20:21Karl Strumberg about the movie.
00:20:23Right now we're in it.
00:20:24This is the movie.
00:20:26It's a live action movie.
00:20:27We're improvving all the action scenes.
00:20:29No green screen.
00:20:30No fucking cables.
00:20:32It's real raw.
00:20:33This is gonna take my acting career
00:20:35and my action status to the next level.
00:20:37So this is all your fault?
00:20:39Well, I mean, it's my script.
00:20:40It took me, I don't know how long to develop it,
00:20:42but Karl took it.
00:20:43What the hell is your problem?
00:20:44Stop.
00:20:45What are you doing?
00:20:46Ow!
00:20:47Fuck!
00:20:48Stop it!
00:20:49How long were you laying on that?
00:20:51Damn it.
00:20:52Now why you got attitude?
00:20:54This is a simple outline.
00:20:56It's a layup.
00:20:57Okay?
00:20:58I'm a triple agent.
00:20:59In my seven, I'm the highest of high, right?
00:21:02Like, you can't get higher than where I am.
00:21:04But you, you're my love interest.
00:21:06They took you hostage
00:21:07because they knew that's the only way to get to me.
00:21:08So now I'm here and I gotta get you.
00:21:10You understand what I'm saying?
00:21:11You're pathetic.
00:21:12And I'm pretty sure that kidnapping is a felony.
00:21:15Well, I'm pretty sure that
00:21:16when you're an adult, they don't call it kidnapping.
00:21:18So that's, that's pathetic.
00:21:21Fuck you, Kevin.
00:21:22What do you mean, fuck me?
00:21:23Why you mad at me?
00:21:24You should be mad at Karl Strumberg, not me.
00:21:26I do not know who that is.
00:21:28Shh.
00:21:33You don't want him to hear you.
00:21:35Who?
00:21:36Who will hear me?
00:21:37There's no one here.
00:21:38And do not say Karl Strumberg.
00:21:40Are you saying Strumberg?
00:21:42Is it Strumberg?
00:21:43Because I don't know that.
00:21:44Okay, just say it.
00:21:45Hey, there are cameras everywhere.
00:21:48We're filming a movie.
00:21:50Where?
00:21:51Where?
00:21:52There are no cameras anywhere.
00:21:54Will you look around?
00:21:55There's cameras everywhere.
00:21:57Okay, listen.
00:21:58Listen.
00:21:59All I need you to do
00:22:00is just grasp what's going on.
00:22:02This is a big opportunity for both of us.
00:22:04Okay, just get in character.
00:22:07Please.
00:22:13They got this place locked down
00:22:14tighter than Fort Knox.
00:22:15Oh, God.
00:22:17You write this dialogue?
00:22:18Those motherfuckers knew I would come rescue you.
00:22:22Beautiful damsel in distress like yourself.
00:22:26Yeah, thank you for rescuing me.
00:22:30Just like any woman,
00:22:32I wouldn't know what to do
00:22:34if a man didn't show up to save me
00:22:37and tell me to eat so I don't starve
00:22:39and breathe oxygen so I don't suffocate.
00:22:42Let's cut.
00:22:43Can we cut?
00:22:45Can you work with me?
00:22:47I'd rather not.
00:22:49Please.
00:22:50Thank you.
00:22:52All right, guys, we're gonna go again.
00:22:54All right?
00:22:55Self-action.
00:22:57Do you have any idea
00:22:58what's on the other side of that door?
00:23:00It's some dangerous men
00:23:01on the other side of that door.
00:23:02I'm talking mercenaries, killers, ninjas,
00:23:06failed karate school instructors,
00:23:07people that want to do bad things to me
00:23:09just because they can.
00:23:11It's a bounty on my fucking head.
00:23:16I'll tell you what, Esmeralda.
00:23:20I'll pay that bounty,
00:23:22and I will give them my head
00:23:25if it meant saving your life
00:23:26so that you could finish med school
00:23:28and open up that clinic
00:23:29that you always wanted to open.
00:23:30Oh, shit.
00:23:31Open up that clinic
00:23:32that you always wanted to...
00:23:33Esmeralda, wait.
00:23:36Esmeralda.
00:23:37Hey.
00:23:42Oh, you fucking piece of shit.
00:23:45You leave her out of it, you hear me?
00:23:47She's got nothing to do with this.
00:23:49This is between me, you,
00:23:51and 78,000 kilos of stolen uranium.
00:23:55All right.
00:23:56If that's how you want to have it,
00:23:58let's have at it.
00:24:01I'm so over this.
00:24:03Kevin, next time you have a terrible movie idea,
00:24:05leave me out of it, yeah?
00:24:08Oh, shit!
00:24:12I'm sorry,
00:24:13but did this central casting goon
00:24:15just hit me in the face
00:24:16with a real fucking ax?
00:24:18Cut. No, no, no.
00:24:19We need to cut right now.
00:24:20I don't know what we're producing this is,
00:24:22but I need to speak to a producer.
00:24:36Is that all you've got?
00:24:39Jordan, let me get in there now.
00:24:43Ram those ass.
00:24:48Jordan.
00:24:49Let my character get something.
00:24:51Tap me in.
00:25:06Hold it.
00:25:07Hold it.
00:25:12Yeah!
00:25:15Whoo!
00:25:16We got that.
00:25:17What a scene.
00:25:19Good job.
00:25:20Here.
00:25:21I think I'm the one
00:25:22that was supposed to kick his ass, though,
00:25:24because I'm the lead.
00:25:25So I'm quite sure that was supposed to be me.
00:25:27Netflix and the Post.
00:25:38That guy was trying to kill me.
00:25:39Kevin, not acting.
00:25:40Not a movie.
00:25:41Literally trying to kill me.
00:25:42No.
00:25:43It's cinema verite.
00:25:45I know it's a little different,
00:25:46but that's what it is.
00:25:47Different?
00:25:48A little fucking different, Kevin.
00:25:49Whoa.
00:25:50Are you okay?
00:25:51Yeah, I know you're just trying to get me to apologize.
00:25:53Just give me a second.
00:25:54Kevin.
00:25:55What?
00:25:56You've been hit
00:25:57with a real fucking bullet.
00:26:00That's not real blood.
00:26:02What?
00:26:03Of course it's real blood.
00:26:05Taste it.
00:26:06I'm not gonna taste your blood, Kevin.
00:26:07You can.
00:26:08You can.
00:26:09It's pig's blood.
00:26:10It's not my blood.
00:26:12Does that feel fake?
00:26:13Ow!
00:26:15Ow!
00:26:16Shit, shit.
00:26:17I gotta lay down.
00:26:18I gotta lay down.
00:26:21Kevin!
00:26:23Kevin!
00:26:25No, no, no, no.
00:26:26Wait, look.
00:26:27There's a photographer, look.
00:26:28Watch a picture.
00:26:29It's there.
00:26:30Come on.
00:26:31What the fuck?
00:26:35Your friend had what now?
00:26:36Just an unexpected accident
00:26:38with a very small,
00:26:41flying, fast, like, projectile object
00:26:44through his shoulder,
00:26:45and I just think some painkillers
00:26:46would really help him.
00:26:47Mm-hmm.
00:26:48I know I don't have a prescription,
00:26:49but I can assure you,
00:26:50this is an emergency.
00:26:53I see.
00:26:58Wanna score some good drugs?
00:27:00Some Xanny, some Mox,
00:27:02Chuckleheads, Wet Garys,
00:27:03Shriek and Jimmies,
00:27:04Moon Pie, Spider Pie?
00:27:05Look, I'm not a drug addict.
00:27:07I'm an actor.
00:27:08Don't you recognize me?
00:27:09Um...
00:27:11Okay, it doesn't matter, all right?
00:27:13My idiot friend got shot
00:27:14with a real bullet,
00:27:15an actual fucking bullet
00:27:16from an actual fucking gun,
00:27:17and now he's bleeding out
00:27:18in your alleyway,
00:27:19and if you don't help me
00:27:20help him,
00:27:21you're gonna have a body
00:27:22on your hands.
00:27:25Would I know him from anywhere?
00:27:28You're lucky it just grazed you.
00:27:32Here, it's the best I could do.
00:27:35The hell is this?
00:27:36This is for the pain.
00:27:38This pharmacist was
00:27:39a real piece of work.
00:27:41Well, you're a piece of work
00:27:42for bringing this out here to me.
00:27:44I can't drink this.
00:27:45This is my competitor.
00:27:46You gotta go back in there
00:27:47and ask for Grand Corps Amino.
00:27:48Are you being serious right now?
00:27:49Kevin, you've been shot.
00:27:50I was kidnapped.
00:27:51Grown woman, man.
00:27:52You need to fix this.
00:27:54Okay.
00:27:55You need to fix this now.
00:27:56I told you, I can't, okay?
00:27:58Even if I wanted to,
00:27:59I can't do it,
00:28:00and by the way,
00:28:01it's all about design.
00:28:02I gave all the rights over
00:28:03to Carl Stromberg,
00:28:04who is a great,
00:28:05precious metals magnate.
00:28:07You do hear how that sounds, right?
00:28:08You hear the words.
00:28:11You know, Andre was right.
00:28:13Andre, your assistant?
00:28:15Yes, my assistant.
00:28:16No, my former assistant.
00:28:19He was right, though.
00:28:20You know what we're gonna do?
00:28:21We're gonna pay
00:28:22Carl Stromberg a visit.
00:28:24Yeah, that's exactly
00:28:25what we're gonna do.
00:28:26We're gonna tell him
00:28:27he needs to get back on book,
00:28:28because right now,
00:28:29he's not following
00:28:30my guidelines at all,
00:28:32and we're all over the place.
00:28:33In order for this movie
00:28:34to be the best thing
00:28:35that we know that it can be,
00:28:36we gotta get back on pace.
00:28:38Okay?
00:28:39We're paying him a visit.
00:28:42Well, at least my car's still here.
00:28:44Yeah, but it's the only one.
00:28:46This place is dead.
00:28:47Yeah, it's because
00:28:48it's the weekend.
00:28:49That's why.
00:28:50Kevin, it's Tuesday.
00:28:51Huh.
00:28:57Hey, what the fuck?
00:29:00Kevin, it doesn't look like
00:29:01anyone's been here for weeks.
00:29:03No, that's not true.
00:29:04I was just here.
00:29:05I was just here.
00:29:06Stromberg was right there.
00:29:08Okay, that was last week,
00:29:09or it may have been
00:29:10a week before.
00:29:11I don't know what week it was,
00:29:12because I got knocked the fuck out,
00:29:13but I was here.
00:29:14He was sitting at a desk
00:29:15right here.
00:29:16This is where he was.
00:29:17He was...
00:29:21Mm-mm.
00:29:25Give him shit.
00:29:26He'll pass.
00:29:27I'm not crazy.
00:29:29I knew he was here.
00:29:31Would I have this
00:29:32if he wasn't here?
00:29:33It's a butt to his cigar.
00:29:34And you know what he was doing?
00:29:35He was doing real weird stuff
00:29:37with the cigar.
00:29:38Licking it,
00:29:39putting it in his nose,
00:29:40slapping all on it.
00:29:41I was watching him
00:29:42while he was doing it.
00:29:43Closing his eyes.
00:29:45All of a sudden, look.
00:29:49Why did you have to
00:29:50drag me into your stupid
00:29:52fantasy death wish movie?
00:29:54What are you talking about?
00:29:55All I said was
00:29:56think somebody like Jordan King.
00:29:57He won't think.
00:29:58It was a suggestion.
00:29:59Oh, great.
00:30:00Thanks for the suggestion.
00:30:01He probably wanted you
00:30:02because you're one of the
00:30:03biggest stars in Sweden.
00:30:04What if that's the case?
00:30:05I'm pretty sure
00:30:06Greta Thunberg is the
00:30:07biggest star in Sweden.
00:30:08Environmental activists?
00:30:09Yeah, they have
00:30:10their priorities straight.
00:30:11Wait, whoa.
00:30:14Wait a minute.
00:30:15Come here.
00:30:16What's this?
00:30:17Look.
00:30:18Look.
00:30:19Will you just look?
00:30:29What the hell is that?
00:30:33Whoa.
00:30:34It's a VHS.
00:30:36I haven't seen one of these
00:30:37in years.
00:30:44Hey.
00:30:45It's Brian McFadden,
00:30:46Dunn-Buffalo Associates
00:30:47reading for, um,
00:30:48sorry, is it, uh,
00:30:49Stromberg or?
00:30:50Let's call Stromberg.
00:30:51It's, uh, Stromberg.
00:30:52It's him.
00:30:53I mean, he,
00:30:54he has different hair,
00:30:55but it's him.
00:30:56Bring me this man.
00:30:57It's
00:30:58Kevin Hart.
00:31:00I'm actually gonna go
00:31:01thicker.
00:31:02Wait a minute.
00:31:03It's
00:31:04an audition tape.
00:31:05Yeah, well, obviously.
00:31:06I can see that.
00:31:07I see that
00:31:08it's an audition tape.
00:31:09The question is why.
00:31:10Why is it an audition tape?
00:31:11Oh, my God.
00:31:12Wait a minute.
00:31:13Is Carl Stromberg even real?
00:31:14What, you didn't Google him
00:31:15before the meeting?
00:31:16He's from Sweden.
00:31:17You want me to go
00:31:18all the way to Sweden
00:31:19and Google?
00:31:20It's ridiculous.
00:31:21Stop.
00:31:22Are you on drugs?
00:31:28Quick, answer it.
00:31:32Hello?
00:31:33Hello, Mr. Action Star.
00:31:34Congratulations.
00:31:35You escaped.
00:31:36Uh, do you know
00:31:37you shot me
00:31:38with a real bullet?
00:31:39Of course I know.
00:31:40That bullet
00:31:41was meant to kill you.
00:31:42Oh, that's stupid.
00:31:43You kill me,
00:31:44and then you don't have a movie.
00:31:45You moron.
00:31:46There is no movie.
00:31:47There never was.
00:31:48What do you mean,
00:31:49there's no movie?
00:31:50You better stop
00:31:51talking like that.
00:31:52That's blasphemy,
00:31:53and you know it.
00:31:54There is a movie.
00:31:55Okay, hold on.
00:31:56Hold on.
00:31:57Hold on.
00:31:58Hold on.
00:31:59Hold on.
00:32:00Hold on.
00:32:01I don't know what that is.
00:32:02Yeah, there's a movie.
00:32:03Okay, well, who is it?
00:32:04Are you the producer?
00:32:05You've forgotten
00:32:06who you are.
00:32:07Where you came from.
00:32:08How did anybody
00:32:09forget where they came from?
00:32:10Then what was the name
00:32:11of your first
00:32:12elementary school teacher?
00:32:17Mrs. Foxon.
00:32:19No.
00:32:20Miss Clarkson.
00:32:21Clockton.
00:32:22Yeah, Miss Clarkson.
00:32:23And the hospital
00:32:24where you were born?
00:32:25What does that have
00:32:26to do with anything?
00:32:27The name.
00:32:29Go on.
00:32:31Uh, St. Falkenstein.
00:32:35That sounds right.
00:32:36St. Falkenstein Hospital.
00:32:38What the? Hey! Enough of this shit!
00:32:40Cut the shit!
00:32:41Who are you? Who the fuck are you?
00:32:43I'm the person who's brought an end to your life.
00:32:45You are no longer Kevin Hart.
00:32:47You are nothing.
00:32:49Uh, excuse me.
00:32:50Can I ask why I've been dragged into this?
00:32:54Great, Kevin!
00:32:55You took all the phone time with him.
00:32:56Oh, I'm sorry.
00:32:58Excuse the fuck out of me for trying to figure out
00:32:59what's going on with my life.
00:33:01Trying to hear a serial killer voice out.
00:33:04I'm sorry that I inconvenienced you.
00:33:06God damn it, Jordan!
00:33:07Shh! Do you hear that?
00:33:13It's the VCR.
00:33:15What the fuck?
00:33:18Oh, fuck! It's a bomb!
00:33:20What? It's a fucking bomb!
00:33:22Well, disarm it!
00:33:24You fucking disarm it!
00:33:25Oh, yeah, because I know how to disarm a bomb.
00:33:27Oh, I do, because I'm black.
00:33:28That's what you think? Every black man knows how to disarm a bomb?
00:33:30That is not a thing, Kevin!
00:33:31Oh, I bet it's not a thing.
00:33:33Get your racist ass back!
00:33:34Move! Move!
00:33:36Quick, quick, quick.
00:33:37Come on. Oh, my God.
00:33:39Open it, open it.
00:33:42Pull, pull!
00:33:46Hold it, hold it, hold it.
00:33:52Back it, back it, back it, back!
00:34:01OK.
00:34:03Well, I guess it is just a movie.
00:34:05Yeah, and that was a fake bomb that...
00:34:07Shit!
00:34:08Whoa!
00:34:14HE COUGHS
00:34:17Oh, my God!
00:34:19Oh, you're OK. You're OK.
00:34:21What was that sound?
00:34:22Andre?
00:34:23What the hell are you doing here?
00:34:24Come on, go.
00:34:25What are you talking about?
00:34:26I'll get the door for you.
00:34:27No, no!
00:34:28Kevin, that was a real fucking bomb.
00:34:30OK. A real fucking bomb!
00:34:32Jordan, can you put yourself on my shoes?
00:34:34I will not! No, no, I do not have to do that.
00:34:36Do you know what? Just shut up. Shut the fuck up!
00:34:39Hey, Jordan, I'm Andre. I don't know if you remember me.
00:34:42Hey, man, put your hand on the wheel. You got it.
00:34:44I'm actually... I'm Kevin's protege.
00:34:46Sorry.
00:34:47Oh, I'm Kevin's assistant.
00:34:49Former assistant, fuck me!
00:34:50Of course I remember you, Andre.
00:34:53So what, Kevin kicked you out in the middle of the street, did he?
00:34:55No, pish-posh, no. Of course not.
00:34:58Technically, it was the sidewalk, and I love Skid Row.
00:35:01Everybody's got a story to tell, so many teachable moments.
00:35:04Wait, you didn't go home, you just waited here this whole time?
00:35:07Well, yeah, I mean, I always carry a spare key, right?
00:35:10That's what I do, and I don't mind waiting.
00:35:12It was a quick 25, 30 hours.
00:35:1430 hours?
00:35:16I would wait a lifetime to make sure Kevin is OK.
00:35:18Stop it. Stop it. I didn't ask you to do that.
00:35:21Don't act like I did.
00:35:22I know. I know.
00:35:23And I know you fired me.
00:35:25Oh, right, you fired him because he told you
00:35:27because he tried to warn you about the Swedish mobster
00:35:30that was actually a shitty actor
00:35:32who was working for someone trying to murder us.
00:35:34OK, I don't understand what's happening. I really don't.
00:35:36And, Jordan, I'm just going to throw this out there right now.
00:35:38I feel like you're still mad at me.
00:35:39I will never not be mad at you for the rest of my life.
00:35:42I am so sorry to interrupt, but where am I going?
00:35:45Because I've just been driving.
00:35:46Hey, hey, we're going to my house.
00:35:47You got it. OK, go to my house.
00:35:49No, I'm not going to your house, I'm going to my house.
00:35:51No, no, you're not going to your house
00:35:53because I need to know that you're safe.
00:35:54Oh, right, yeah, just like Andre wanted to make sure
00:35:57you were safe.
00:35:58You know what? I know what you're doing.
00:36:00I know exactly what you're doing.
00:36:02You're trying to do one of those things
00:36:04where you make me evaluate who I am as a person, right?
00:36:07That's what you're trying to do, but guess what?
00:36:09I'm not going to do that, because who I am as a person
00:36:11is who I'm OK with, and I'm settled in.
00:36:16It's not working. I'm going to try one more time.
00:36:18Are you sure you punched it in the right hole?
00:36:20Of course, man, it's your birthday, like I never forget that.
00:36:22It's tattooed on my inner thigh. I rub it every morning.
00:36:25See, I'm doing this all the time.
00:36:27See, I'm doing this.
00:36:28It's not working. Wait, wait, wait.
00:36:30Maybe the person who's behind all of this changed the gate code.
00:36:33Wait, and they think I'm dead.
00:36:36So maybe this is to our advantage, right?
00:36:38Maybe. Yeah, no, there's...
00:36:40Oh, shit. Security. Security.
00:36:42Get back. Maybe we just exit now.
00:36:44Should I go now? No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
00:36:46I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave, Kevin, OK?
00:36:48You have to leave. Stop, stop, stop.
00:36:49Stay here, stay here. He doesn't like me.
00:36:50Sir. Hey, what's going on?
00:36:52How are you, my man? Nice to meet you.
00:36:53Are you aware you're trespassing on private property?
00:36:55I did not. I was not aware, no.
00:36:58Please reverse out and have a nice day.
00:37:00You got it, my man.
00:37:01No, do not reverse. You can't reverse.
00:37:03You know what? I'm not... I can't...
00:37:05My boss actually lives inside there,
00:37:07so if I can just jump in there real quick, it'd be great.
00:37:10Reverse out now and no-one has to get pumped full of electricity.
00:37:13Of course. I'm positive no-one needs that.
00:37:15No, do not reverse. Do not reverse.
00:37:18You better not reverse. I'm not going to reverse.
00:37:20Do not fuck with me.
00:37:22He's bluffing. You're bluffing.
00:37:24I assure you, I'm not bluffing.
00:37:28He's fucking bluffing. Fuck with him.
00:37:30Fuck with you. Fuck you. You're full of...
00:37:32HE MUMBLES
00:37:34HE MUMBLES
00:37:36Compliments to Mr H.
00:37:39Why did I tell him to do that?
00:37:41Andre. Is he OK?
00:37:42Andre. Andre!
00:37:44Andre.
00:37:50Hey, Andre, maybe one of us should just drive.
00:37:53Oh, you don't have to worry about it. I got it.
00:37:55I got you, my man. Damn it.
00:37:58I got a crook in my neck that's a bitch.
00:38:00I swear I've got to get to Nina so she can fix this.
00:38:03Who's Nina? Kevin's full-time masseuse.
00:38:04Oh, she's my full-time masseuse.
00:38:07Of course. Oh, OK.
00:38:08Well, I'm glad that my life getting destroyed amuses you.
00:38:10What, didn't you basically ask for all of this?
00:38:12No, I didn't basically ask for all of this.
00:38:14I did not do that. I asked for a movie.
00:38:16There's a big difference. A movie has cameras,
00:38:18it has sound, lights. That's what that has in it.
00:38:20This is not the same. It's not the same.
00:38:23We need to go to the police.
00:38:24No, no, we do not need to go to police.
00:38:26Whoever this guy is, he thinks that we're dead, right?
00:38:29So we use that to our advantage, OK?
00:38:32We make them think that we're not here.
00:38:34We disappear. We've just got to figure out where to go.
00:38:36Man, this is where Natasha would come in handy
00:38:38cos she would know exactly where we should go.
00:38:40And who the hell is Natasha?
00:38:41Let's get a Airbnb consultant.
00:38:44This is getting ridiculous.
00:38:45Oh, my God, I know exactly where we can go
00:38:47where no-one would ever search for us.
00:38:50Who's in?
00:38:52Who's in?
00:38:54OK, make yourself at home.
00:38:56Do you guys want anything to drink?
00:38:57Kombucha, coffee, tea?
00:38:59Yes, yes. Kombucha would be great.
00:39:01I don't have it. You called my bluff.
00:39:02I don't have kombucha. I'm sorry.
00:39:04No, water would be brilliant.
00:39:05Water is going to be great. Great, fantastic.
00:39:07And you, you want some water?
00:39:08I'm not putting my mouth on a cup in this house.
00:39:10Nice, nice.
00:39:11Jesus Christ.
00:39:13You actually live here?
00:39:15Yeah, my little slice of heaven.
00:39:17Ugh.
00:39:18What was that?
00:39:19I said, ugh.
00:39:20I love it. It's actually really charming.
00:39:23Thank you.
00:39:24You know, my mum and I are kind of always
00:39:25messing with the motif in here.
00:39:26Went through a huge Southwestern phase.
00:39:28So much turquoise.
00:39:31So your mum helped you decorate?
00:39:33Oh, yeah, big time.
00:39:34She's my roommate.
00:39:37She's right there.
00:39:38You've got to be shitting me.
00:39:39No, no, no, don't be afraid, don't be afraid.
00:39:40Watch this. Do you want to meet her?
00:39:42No, I don't have to.
00:39:43Here we go.
00:39:44You're okay? Your mouth was open real wide.
00:39:46Oh, my God.
00:39:48Oh, my.
00:39:49Don't charge me.
00:39:50Oh, my.
00:39:51Fix your brow.
00:39:52Oh, my God.
00:39:53It's Kevin Hart.
00:39:56America's treasure.
00:39:58It's a family... No, you don't have to...
00:40:00No.
00:40:01I'm Jordan King.
00:40:03Or should I call you Wheezy?
00:40:06No, that's just a role I'm not paid nearly enough to play.
00:40:09Jordan, this way.
00:40:11Come here.
00:40:12I've got to squeeze you.
00:40:13Come here.
00:40:14You two got to eat.
00:40:16We're going to have a feast.
00:40:17Andre, go to the freezer.
00:40:18We're going to defrost the Christmas pork chops.
00:40:20We're doing the Christmas pork chops?
00:40:22No.
00:40:23We've been waiting for this for, like, six years.
00:40:24We don't have that much time.
00:40:25You don't have to do that.
00:40:26We don't want to steal your meat.
00:40:27You've got to save that meat, okay?
00:40:29You're eating my meat.
00:40:30Tell him, Mum, tell him.
00:40:31No, no, no.
00:40:32You're going to want my meat.
00:40:33No, we don't want your meat.
00:40:34People talk about it all the time.
00:40:35Well, we don't...
00:40:36Did you hurt yourself?
00:40:37This is not...
00:40:38Did you know there was...
00:40:39Woman!
00:40:40Did you know there was blood there?
00:40:42Yeah, I...
00:40:43And up here?
00:40:44Ow!
00:40:45Stop!
00:40:46You are Kevin Hart.
00:40:48You can't walk around with bloody clothes on.
00:40:49You're too sophisticated.
00:40:51Take your shirt off.
00:40:52Come on, I'm going to wash it.
00:40:53Well, that's...
00:40:54I'm already doing a bloody load.
00:40:55Come on, take it off.
00:40:56Come on.
00:40:57Take it off, Kevin.
00:40:58What are we doing?
00:40:59Yeah.
00:41:00Oh, somebody's got a cute tummy.
00:41:01Come on.
00:41:02Come on.
00:41:03That's a lot.
00:41:04Mum, look at...
00:41:05Remember I was telling you about his belly button?
00:41:06It's right there, Mum.
00:41:07You got it.
00:41:09Just please, let me get it.
00:41:10Stop it.
00:41:11Please.
00:41:12Oh, my God.
00:41:13Thank you.
00:41:14You got to be kidding me.
00:41:15Whoa, that hit my eyes.
00:41:16That is...
00:41:17That is...
00:41:18That's a man right there.
00:41:19Yeah, we were filming...
00:41:20That is good.
00:41:21We're doing an improv action movie...
00:41:22I can't believe he's an imposter.
00:41:23I love you so much.
00:41:24...where basically all the action...
00:41:25I love you so much.
00:41:26That's nice people.
00:41:27Nice people?
00:41:28Ooh.
00:41:29You're so mean.
00:41:30How can you be mean to this guy?
00:41:32Look at him.
00:41:33He might be the nicest, sweetest person
00:41:34I've ever encountered.
00:41:35He's so sweet.
00:41:36He's so sweet.
00:41:37He's so sweet.
00:41:38How could you fire him?
00:41:39I don't know.
00:41:40I don't know.
00:41:41He was the best man you could've ever encountered.
00:41:43How could you fire him?
00:41:44Why don't you want to start at the beginning?
00:41:46I don't know.
00:41:47Maybe because he doesn't respect boundaries.
00:41:48He cares about you.
00:41:49Oh, you just stop it.
00:41:51A man clipped my goddamn toenails one time.
00:41:53While I was in bed.
00:41:54With a woman.
00:41:55Exactly.
00:41:56Struggling, by the way, to perform.
00:41:59Had a lot on my mind.
00:42:01A lot on my mind.
00:42:02A brown gummy worm was in full effect.
00:42:04I don't want to know this.
00:42:05News' new.
00:42:07Call it what you want.
00:42:08I look down, I see his face looking up at me.
00:42:10Now I got no shot.
00:42:11Okay, thank you for the context.
00:42:13Just give me a... give me a play-by-play.
00:42:15But, listen, when I go to set,
00:42:19it's me acting, right?
00:42:20But to get there, I've got reps,
00:42:22my dialect coach, my assistant,
00:42:25and then there's personal trainer, hairstylist,
00:42:28makeup artist, the list goes on.
00:42:30And then there's family and friends who have supported me
00:42:34and sacrificed for me.
00:42:36I'm sorry I got lost in what you were saying
00:42:38because I felt it was bullshit.
00:42:39You have that too, Kevin, and then some.
00:42:42Okay? It's why you're a star.
00:42:44No, that's not true.
00:42:45I'm a star because I made myself a star with this.
00:42:49Sure, yeah, that's the story you keep telling yourself,
00:42:52but you had help.
00:42:54Okay.
00:42:56Hey, how are you guys doing?
00:42:58The pork chops are smelling so much like shrimp right now.
00:43:01It's amazing.
00:43:02I got you a shirt, my man.
00:43:03I think it'll fit perfectly.
00:43:05Okay? Do you see it?
00:43:06Nice.
00:43:07Yeah, I made that myself.
00:43:09Okay.
00:43:10Thank you for that.
00:43:13Uh, I wanted to ask you earlier,
00:43:15but I didn't get a chance to.
00:43:16Who's that?
00:43:17This one?
00:43:18That's my dad.
00:43:20He's been gone a long time.
00:43:23Really?
00:43:25Same.
00:43:26And you know my mom raised me.
00:43:27I know.
00:43:29Did your dad, uh,
00:43:31get a little afraid of parenthood and run off?
00:43:34It wasn't anything like that, actually.
00:43:35He was amazing. He was kind.
00:43:37Uh, he was gentl...
00:43:38By the way, Richard Pryor's assistant.
00:43:41Your dad is Ri...
00:43:43I guess you could say assisting just runs in the family, right?
00:43:45No.
00:43:46That's legendary, man.
00:43:47It is, right?
00:43:48That's huge.
00:43:49It's huge.
00:43:50Until it killed him.
00:43:52What do you mean?
00:43:53It's a big show,
00:43:55and a crazy fan got through security.
00:43:58So my dad jumped in the way of a knife
00:44:01that was meant for Richard Pryor.
00:44:02You didn't plan?
00:44:04No.
00:44:05Cut him from the stomach.
00:44:06What?
00:44:07Back down.
00:44:08What?
00:44:09Killed my dad in the spot.
00:44:10Oh, my God, man.
00:44:11I can't.
00:44:12I can't process that.
00:44:13Neither could I.
00:44:14It was enormous for our whole family.
00:44:15Why would somebody want to kill Richard Pryor?
00:44:18Huh?
00:44:20Who?
00:44:22Yeah, why?
00:44:23That's crazy, right?
00:44:25Yeah, I bet my...
00:44:26I bet, by the way,
00:44:27I bet my dad, when he was dying,
00:44:28was looking up and was like,
00:44:29why would you do this?
00:44:30Or something like that.
00:44:31Has to be, right?
00:44:32Maybe, maybe, maybe not.
00:44:33I mean, at that point,
00:44:34that's not what's important.
00:44:35Somebody tried to kill Richard.
00:44:36Right, my dad was already dead.
00:44:37Yeah.
00:44:38The thing we got to worry about is,
00:44:39who is this guy?
00:44:40Are there more of them?
00:44:41Okay, you can't rewrite that.
00:44:42No.
00:44:43No, we can't.
00:44:44I tried to.
00:44:45God, I've been to so much therapy
00:44:46trying to rewrite that moment.
00:44:47What could I have done, you know,
00:44:48if I was a child,
00:44:49but maybe I could have jumped in the way
00:44:50or something like that.
00:44:51Yeah.
00:44:52Yeah.
00:44:53On the bright side, though,
00:44:54if you think about it,
00:44:55he died doing what he loved the most.
00:44:57Mm.
00:44:58Assisting.
00:44:59He was so happy that he brought joy
00:45:01to someone who brought joy
00:45:02to so many people.
00:45:05He told me every single thing I knew.
00:45:07Mm.
00:45:10You know, man, maybe, uh,
00:45:12maybe I didn't mean to fire you.
00:45:15I think your exact words
00:45:17were, I didn't need a stuntman.
00:45:19I sure as hell don't need an assistant.
00:45:21You said it to me, you yelled it,
00:45:23and then you tell me to get out of your car.
00:45:25Right?
00:45:26Oh, no, you're absolutely,
00:45:27you're right,
00:45:28but I'm just saying now,
00:45:30looking back,
00:45:31I'm saying maybe, maybe I do,
00:45:33maybe I still do need
00:45:36an assistant.
00:45:37I mean, if you...
00:45:38Oh, God.
00:45:39All right?
00:45:41I need you, too.
00:45:42No.
00:45:43I need you, too.
00:45:44Not the same.
00:45:45Oh, fuck.
00:45:47Yeah.
00:45:48I have never been this hard.
00:45:50All right, I'm gonna tell my mom.
00:45:51Mom, you'll never believe it!
00:45:53Congratulations.
00:45:57Something else, huh?
00:46:01Hey.
00:46:05Where are you?
00:46:06Shut up.
00:46:08You know, if you start treating everyone
00:46:10in the Kevin Hart universe
00:46:11with that level of respect,
00:46:12I think you'll be happy with your life.
00:46:15You really are something else.
00:46:17I mean, you paint me out to be such a monster.
00:46:19Name one other person
00:46:20that I have disrespected.
00:46:21Just one.
00:46:22Give me one.
00:46:26I can absolutely name someone.
00:46:31Hey, Jordan.
00:46:32Yeah, hi.
00:46:33I just looked at the call sheet.
00:46:34I didn't see your stunt double on there.
00:46:36Oh, I sent her home.
00:46:37Why?
00:46:38Well, I grew up on motorcycles,
00:46:40and it's a simple one today.
00:46:41I just have to drive through the glass
00:46:42of our dry cleaning business
00:46:43before it explodes.
00:46:44Hold on, hold on, hold on.
00:46:45Simple for who?
00:46:47Who is it simple for?
00:46:48You?
00:46:49Well, that's what you have dug for.
00:46:51Do you know what this will look like
00:46:52if you go do all your own stunts
00:46:53and I don't do mine?
00:46:54Do you know what people will think of me?
00:46:56Uh, they'll think you're an actor.
00:46:58And listen, I'm not jumping off the cliff.
00:47:00I'm not jumping out a plane,
00:47:01and I ain't fighting no alligator.
00:47:02You don't think I can do my own stunts?
00:47:04What?
00:47:05You don't think I'm tough enough?
00:47:06That's what Doug is for.
00:47:07For exactly this thing.
00:47:09You think I need Doug?
00:47:10Absolutely.
00:47:12Maybe I don't.
00:47:13Maybe I don't need Doug.
00:47:17I think I just heard you.
00:47:22Hey, Doug.
00:47:24I'm gonna go talk to Doug.
00:47:27Kevin.
00:47:28Hey.
00:47:30There he is.
00:47:31My guy.
00:47:36You ain't gonna believe this shit.
00:47:38I'm talking to Jordan.
00:47:39I just found out Jordan sent her stunt double home.
00:47:41You know what she's trying to do.
00:47:43You know exactly what she's trying to do.
00:47:44She's trying to show me up,
00:47:45and I'm not gonna have that.
00:47:46I can't have that.
00:47:47I'm Kevin Hart, right?
00:47:51So, here's the thing, right?
00:47:53Let's get into this relationship,
00:47:55because it's one of the best that I've ever had.
00:47:56How long you been with me, man?
00:47:58Damn, that long, huh?
00:47:59It's been a long time.
00:48:01I know you gonna be fine,
00:48:02and it's time for you to fly, right?
00:48:04So, with that being said,
00:48:07we're done.
00:48:08I'm gonna go ahead and...
00:48:10Is fired the word?
00:48:11I guess.
00:48:12I guess it is fired.
00:48:13So, I'm gonna fire you,
00:48:14but in a dope way
00:48:16to where we still cool.
00:48:18I'm gonna go on and get ready.
00:48:21My guy.
00:48:23It's stunt time.
00:48:24This is a terrible...
00:48:25It's stunt time!
00:48:27Listen, I'm not trying to show you up.
00:48:29Hey!
00:48:30Enough, Jordan!
00:48:31It's all good, Mr. Action Star.
00:48:39Now, you listen to me, all right?
00:48:41I've been in this business for goddamn...
00:48:43Goddamn how long?
00:48:45How long?
00:48:46You telling me my goddamn reputation
00:48:49doesn't speak for myself?
00:48:51It fucking should!
00:48:55When does Cat 4 shoot?
00:48:57Does Mackie have a guy?
00:48:59He does.
00:49:00You get it.
00:49:01Everybody's got a fucking guy, huh?
00:49:02What about Adam Driver?
00:49:03Now, you said he's available, huh?
00:49:05I can...
00:49:06Listen, I can do work for him.
00:49:08I can be Adam's driver, right?
00:49:11I can...
00:49:12No, listen, I'm serious about that.
00:49:13I don't give a fuck.
00:49:14I'll drive.
00:49:16I'll be Adam's driver,
00:49:17driver, driver, if I have to.
00:49:19Goddamn it, Scott!
00:49:21Fuck you!
00:49:23I've been in this goddamn business for years.
00:49:26I hate you.
00:49:30Me.
00:49:54You know what?
00:49:55This is my me time.
00:49:56I really enjoy working.
00:49:58I find a lot of peace, happiness,
00:50:01and solace in creating,
00:50:04and now my creating is about
00:50:06putting other people in positions to win,
00:50:09amplifying other careers and opportunities,
00:50:11not just me,
00:50:12so hopefully it continues to grow.
00:50:14I can't believe that my stunt man
00:50:16would do this to me.
00:50:18I don't know what to do.
00:50:20I don't know what to do.
00:50:22My stunt man would do this to me.
00:50:24X-stunt man.
00:50:25No, I gotta do something about this.
00:50:27Oh.
00:50:28Oh, whoa, whoa.
00:50:29Uh-oh.
00:50:30Oh, no.
00:50:31Let Mom look at this.
00:50:32Hold on.
00:50:33Oh, we gotta change this dressing.
00:50:35Take him to the bedroom.
00:50:36Prop him up.
00:50:37Here we go.
00:50:38Get some wet towels.
00:50:39Shouldn't he go to a hospital?
00:50:41I'll get him back on track.
00:50:42It's what I do.
00:50:44Wait, you're a doctor?
00:50:45I'm better than a doctor.
00:50:47I'm a mom.
00:50:49Left, right.
00:50:50Left, right.
00:50:51Oh.
00:50:53He's gonna be fine.
00:50:54My mom is a miracle worker.
00:50:56How about you?
00:50:57Are you okay?
00:50:58Uh, well, not really.
00:51:00This is my problem, too.
00:51:01Doug probably blames me for losing his job.
00:51:04That's why he's put me in this deadly little game of his,
00:51:06just for payback.
00:51:08Yeah.
00:51:09Okay, that's fine.
00:51:10When Kevin gets back to full health,
00:51:11he will think of an incredible plan for all of us.
00:51:13No, no, fuck that.
00:51:14We can't just sit here.
00:51:15We need to do something.
00:51:16We need to get to the bottom of this.
00:51:18Who is the person Kevin trusts the most?
00:51:20His agent.
00:51:21Really?
00:51:22Yeah.
00:51:23Let's pay them a visit.
00:51:25Right now?
00:51:26We can't go right now.
00:51:27Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Jordan.
00:51:28We can't go right now.
00:51:29But what about this?
00:51:30What about this?
00:51:31You're famous, Jordan.
00:51:32You get in there, they're gonna recognize you.
00:51:33That's a problem.
00:51:34Second is, Doug actually thinks that you're dead, right?
00:51:37You blew up.
00:51:38Shit, you're right.
00:51:41Oh, my God, I just thought of something amazing.
00:51:43Thank me.
00:51:44Thank me now.
00:51:45Let me hear it first.
00:51:46Smart.
00:51:47That's a smart move, okay?
00:51:48In the back, there's a disguise.
00:51:49I always keep a spare disguise for Kevin in the back.
00:51:51Grab that bag real quick.
00:51:52You have spare disguises?
00:51:54Yes.
00:51:55I mean, sometimes Kevin likes to live anonymously, right?
00:51:58Whether he wants to go grocery shopping,
00:52:00feed the ducks, heckle a stranger.
00:52:07Yeah, I'm not wearing this.
00:52:08Come on.
00:52:09Did you see all of them real quick?
00:52:10Like this one right here, okay?
00:52:12This one right here.
00:52:13Andre, the bridge.
00:52:14I'm doing it.
00:52:15It's a hard left with my knees, baby.
00:52:16Look at this.
00:52:19This is so embarrassing.
00:52:22Jess, we're lucky that you and Kevin are the same size.
00:52:25You know what I mean?
00:52:26Think about this as your greatest acting role to date.
00:52:28You got this.
00:52:29You got this.
00:52:30Look.
00:52:33That's fantastic.
00:52:34Okay, and...
00:52:37Uh, we're here to see, uh, Scott Heyman.
00:52:41Okay.
00:52:44And you are?
00:52:46Ronald Mondolvia III.
00:52:49A pleasure to meet you.
00:52:51And this is the wickedly talented...
00:52:54Bill.
00:52:55My name is Bill.
00:52:58Bill Mondolvia.
00:53:00We're both Mondolvias.
00:53:01This is my uncle.
00:53:03On my mama's side.
00:53:05Shit fuck, can this man cook a goose?
00:53:10What was all that before?
00:53:11Mondolvia?
00:53:12That's nobody's surname.
00:53:13What did you expect, okay?
00:53:15I couldn't concentrate.
00:53:16Your accent was fucking insane.
00:53:18My accent?
00:53:19Yes.
00:53:20Okay, it wasn't great, but I mean...
00:53:22My accent.
00:53:23I nailed my accent.
00:53:24It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter,
00:53:25because there's no way they're letting us go back
00:53:26to see Kevin's agent, okay?
00:53:28They've probably already called security.
00:53:29So if security comes, we just...
00:53:32We just...
00:53:34We just...
00:53:36We just...
00:53:38If security comes, we just pretend to be
00:53:40Ronald and Bill Mondolvia,
00:53:41the very famous Instagram influencers
00:53:43who make unboxing videos.
00:53:45What is this?
00:53:46We unbox it and it's a smaller box, okay?
00:53:48No, no, no, no, no.
00:53:49She's kind of silly.
00:53:50I don't think that Bill called the Lou.
00:53:52I feel like he's more old school.
00:53:54I feel like she's about to take a shit.
00:53:58Take it cool, okay?
00:53:59Come on.
00:54:00Like and subscribe, please.
00:54:06Stop, stop, stop.
00:54:07I think that's Kevin's agent.
00:54:09Who's he talking to?
00:54:15It's not Kevin.
00:54:17Mm-hmm.
00:54:20Shh.
00:54:22Try not to move.
00:54:25Mr. Kevin Hart needs to regain his strength.
00:54:28As long as it takes, you'll be here.
00:54:32Mm-hmm.
00:54:33In my house, listening to my stories,
00:54:38eating my Christmas pork chops.
00:54:40Mm...
00:54:42Shh.
00:54:44Mm...
00:54:46When my husband was wounded years ago,
00:54:49I couldn't save him.
00:54:51But now I've got a second chance with you,
00:54:54Kevin Hart,
00:54:56America's treasure.
00:54:59Cynthia's treasure.
00:55:04Hello?
00:55:05Mom, Mom, put Kevin on.
00:55:07I can't. He's sleeping.
00:55:09It's an emergency. Put him on right now, Mom.
00:55:11Come on, wake him up.
00:55:13Hello?
00:55:14Are you here to rescue me?
00:55:16I think I've been poisoned.
00:55:17Kevin, listen up very closely, okay?
00:55:19We've just been on a deep cover reconnaissance mission,
00:55:21and we've not been there.
00:55:22Doug, it's you. You've been replaced by Doug.
00:55:24Wait, what?
00:55:25Replaced? I don't understand.
00:55:26That's because my mommy just gave you
00:55:28a very low-dose narcotic.
00:55:29Don't worry about it.
00:55:30But when you come to, you have to understand
00:55:32that Doug is trying to convince people that he is you.
00:55:35He's fixed his teeth, he's changed his hair.
00:55:37I mean, his mannerism.
00:55:38Oh, my God, he's... he's you.
00:55:41He can't fool my staff.
00:55:43They'll know it's not me.
00:55:45They're my village.
00:55:46Kevin! Kevin!
00:55:48You get a raise! You get a raise!
00:55:50You get a raise! You get a raise!
00:55:52You get a raise!
00:55:53That's right! Everybody gets a raise!
00:55:55Huh? You know why?
00:55:57Because I'm Kevin! I'm Kevin!
00:56:00Sorry, Kevin is suddenly very tired.
00:56:03He needs his rest. Bye.
00:56:05Mom, do...
00:56:06Shh!
00:56:11If Kevin wants to get through to Doug,
00:56:13there's only one man he can talk to.
00:56:16Mr. 206.
00:56:18I don't... who's Mr. 206?
00:56:20He's a pretty famous stuntman, and he's Doug's mentor.
00:56:23Okay. Okay, fine, then this is easy.
00:56:25We just take Kevin to see Mr. 206.
00:56:28We? Nope, no way.
00:56:30I will not be going to see 206.
00:56:32He is a complete psychopath.
00:56:34He nearly killed me in a stunt rehearsal
00:56:36and then tried to make me apologize.
00:56:38Jordan, Jordan, Kevin needs you right now.
00:56:40He needs me? He does, right now.
00:56:42Oh, I thought Kevin doesn't need anyone until he needs everyone.
00:56:45Okay, fine.
00:56:47Then I'll take him to see Mr. 206.
00:56:49Why? This is Kevin's problem.
00:56:51You should just let him go on his own.
00:56:53No. As long as I'm Kevin's assistant,
00:56:56he'll never drive himself anywhere.
00:57:01It's in neutral. I am so sorry. We're slowing down.
00:57:03I was trying to go faster. We did the opposite.
00:57:19I am so happy my mom was able to nurse you back to health.
00:57:22What did you just say to me?
00:57:24The woman put drugs in my goddamn pork chop.
00:57:26She tried to poison me. She's amazing, right?
00:57:28Look at you now.
00:57:30Okay, come on, come on.
00:57:32So tell me, why did they call him 206?
00:57:34Because there's 206 bones in the human body.
00:57:36They say before he became a mentor in a stunt game
00:57:38that he broke every single one of them.
00:57:40Actually, no, it was 205, but then on his last day of filming,
00:57:42they say he broke the 206 one.
00:57:44What? Which one was that?
00:57:46Pinky toe, right foot, snapped and...
00:57:48Goddamn.
00:57:51Uh...
00:57:53Hello?
00:57:55Uh, 206?
00:57:57Hey, Mr. 206?
00:58:00It's 206.
00:58:02Sign says no soliciting. Go away.
00:58:05Yeah, no, we didn't see a sign. There's no sign.
00:58:08Who took my fucking sign?
00:58:10We didn't take it.
00:58:12Hey, either way, we're not here to solicit.
00:58:14We're not selling anything.
00:58:16You don't even recognize my voice.
00:58:18Uh, you know who's at the door right now?
00:58:20This is Kevin Hart.
00:58:22Comedian, actor.
00:58:24I just told you...
00:58:26to go...
00:58:28Okay, okay, okay.
00:58:30...the fuck away!
00:58:32Hey, shit.
00:58:34Come on, baby, it's me.
00:58:36It's me. It's Kevin Hart.
00:58:40Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill the both of you right now.
00:58:43Kevin's about to have a movie that's gonna get him an Oscar.
00:58:46Hey, hey, hey, hey, your protege.
00:58:48We're here because of your protege. Doug Eubanks?
00:58:50What about him?
00:58:52We're here because he's losing his shit.
00:58:54Yeah. No, he's absolute...
00:58:56That's not true, because you don't deserve a lie.
00:58:59I'm not here to lie to you. No.
00:59:01I'm gonna be honest with you, man.
00:59:03I screwed him over.
00:59:05I screwed him over, and I'm here because I wanna make things right,
00:59:07and I can't do that without you, Mr. 206.
00:59:17Well, how do you like your tea?
00:59:19Hmm?
00:59:35Do I make you uncomfortable?
00:59:37No, I'm just so nervous for you, sir,
00:59:39because you got really hot tea,
00:59:41and it's just right above your ball, so...
00:59:43What are you doing?
00:59:46What are you...
00:59:48Oh, my God. What the fuck?
00:59:50Oh, man, come on. What the fuck? Come on, man.
00:59:52The ancient Babylonians believed
00:59:54that undergarments were a sign of weakness.
00:59:58I tend to agree.
01:00:00I respect that.
01:00:03I respect that.
01:00:05I just, um...
01:00:07Ahem.
01:00:09Mm.
01:00:11I just wanna...
01:00:13I wanna thank you for taking the time,
01:00:15because I know you didn't know...
01:00:16Cut the compliments. Tell me why you're here.
01:00:18I, um...
01:00:20I know you're Doug's mentor.
01:00:22Right?
01:00:24If there's anyone who knows how he operates, how he thinks,
01:00:26it's...
01:00:28I need your help.
01:00:35Watch your eye. Watch your...
01:00:41Let's walk.
01:00:45Doug Eubanks is more than just a former student of mine.
01:00:48He's my friend.
01:00:50My confidant.
01:00:52Briefly, in 2003, he was my lover.
01:00:55Doug's the most fearless stunt performer
01:00:57that I've ever trained.
01:00:59One time, he asked me to stab him with an ice pick,
01:01:01because he needed to know how it felt
01:01:03so he could replicate that reaction
01:01:04when the cameras were rolling.
01:01:05Did you do it?
01:01:06With pleasure.
01:01:07As a stuntman, you embrace pain.
01:01:09Lay your life on the line for your actor.
01:01:11Every day, you step on set.
01:01:14An actress is thanks.
01:01:16Sometimes they don't say thanks.
01:01:18Sometimes they just fire you without warning,
01:01:20because all of a sudden, they think they're John fucking Rambo,
01:01:22but they're nothing but a little bitch with a giant ego.
01:01:24Yeah, yeah, so, hey, are you gonna talk to him for me?
01:01:26Ha ha ha!
01:01:28Actors talk.
01:01:30Stuntmen...
01:01:32stunt.
01:01:34You're gonna have to fight, Doug.
01:01:37And you're gonna lose.
01:01:39Well, shit, then why are you...
01:01:41why are you even talking to me, then?
01:01:42Only reason I'm talking to you is because
01:01:44every person is trapped in a story of their own design,
01:01:46and I know the exact story you're trapped in.
01:01:48Yeah, it's a revenge story.
01:01:50That's not revenge. It's redemption.
01:01:53No, I'm pretty sure it's revenge.
01:01:56What do you really want?
01:01:59I want my life back. I want to defeat Doug.
01:02:01Defeat Doug.
01:02:03Doug's the enemy. Doug's the bad guy.
01:02:05You're the good guy.
01:02:06I just want to make sure I'm hearing this right.
01:02:08Okay, maybe we're both bad guys.
01:02:11No, Kevin.
01:02:14You're both good guys.
01:02:20Did you hear that?
01:02:22Yeah, I'm trying to figure it out.
01:02:26He fucked Doug.
01:02:27I didn't hear that.
01:02:28What?
01:02:29He fucked Doug.
01:02:31I didn't catch that. I was...
01:02:33Right at the top. He said it right over there.
01:02:34He said he fucked Doug.
01:02:35No, I saw a ladybug.
01:02:36So that means he's kind of fucked you before.
01:02:38No, wait a minute. No, he hasn't.
01:02:43This is my dojo.
01:02:48Well, it kind of looks like a bunch of trees if you ask me,
01:02:50but all right. Goodness gracious.
01:02:53Excuse me.
01:02:54Sorry.
01:02:55Coming through.
01:02:56Yep, yep. Coming through.
01:02:57Sorry.
01:02:58You really got to share the trail, guys.
01:03:00It's our fault.
01:03:01Sorry.
01:03:02We didn't even know it was a trail, to be honest.
01:03:03I had no idea.
01:03:05So this is where you're going to train me to face Doug, huh?
01:03:08Let me explain something to you.
01:03:10Stuntman's creed.
01:03:12He die actor.
01:03:13Every role you ever trained for, Doug trained harder.
01:03:16Every martial art you supposedly learned,
01:03:18Doug learned it for real.
01:03:19He had to.
01:03:21Because when the cameras were rolling,
01:03:22it was his ass on the line, not yours.
01:03:24Sitting in Video Village, sipping lattes,
01:03:26eating sushi off of nude models.
01:03:28Hey, first of all, I got a bad case of pink eye.
01:03:30I learned my lesson.
01:03:32Hasn't happened since.
01:03:33You never appreciate it, Doug.
01:03:35Actors never do.
01:03:38Yeah, well, I recently learned there's a lot of people
01:03:40that I may have underappreciated.
01:03:43Good, Kevin.
01:03:45That's growth.
01:03:47See that branch up there?
01:03:49Yeah.
01:03:50Climb that tree, crawl off to that branch,
01:03:52and give me a dead drop to the ground.
01:03:55Uh, how am I supposed to?
01:03:58You want to know how Doug thinks.
01:04:00You want to know how he operates,
01:04:01you must see the world as he sees it.
01:04:03Without fear, without hesitation.
01:04:09I'm a little scared, though.
01:04:10I'm just gonna throw that out there.
01:04:12It's not like I'm...
01:04:13I volunteer as tribute.
01:04:14Damn right you do.
01:04:17This is Kevin's journey.
01:04:18That's his dead drop branch.
01:04:19No, that's what you don't understand.
01:04:20You know why?
01:04:21Because what's Kevin's is mine.
01:04:22Well?
01:04:23Well, right.
01:04:24I mean, not your material wealth.
01:04:25No.
01:04:26Or your income.
01:04:27No.
01:04:28Or your success.
01:04:29No.
01:04:30Right?
01:04:31None of that.
01:04:32But his pain, his anguish.
01:04:33Basically anything that's bad, anything that's bad,
01:04:35that's mine, too.
01:04:36That is my journey.
01:04:41What?
01:04:47Oh, my God.
01:04:51What's happening, guys?
01:04:52Guys, this don't look good for the back.
01:04:54What's going on?
01:04:55Oh.
01:05:08Kevin, you can't compete with Doug.
01:05:10But you clearly have the one thing he will never have.
01:05:15You have a sidekick.
01:05:17Andre?
01:05:18No, Andre's my...
01:05:20Andre's like my...
01:05:21What did you call him?
01:05:22He's, uh...
01:05:23Andre's your what?
01:05:24No, no, no, no, no.
01:05:25Hey, hey, hey, no, no, no.
01:05:27Andre's your what?
01:05:28I want you to say it.
01:05:29He's right there.
01:05:30No, no, he's right there.
01:05:31Andre's your what?
01:05:32You don't have to do this, man.
01:05:33He's right there.
01:05:34Say it.
01:05:35He's your what?
01:05:36He's...
01:05:37He's...
01:05:38He's...
01:05:39Andre's my...
01:05:40He's my sidekick.
01:05:41Say it.
01:05:42He's...
01:05:43Andre's my sidekick.
01:05:44Say it.
01:05:45He's my side...
01:05:46Yeah, I need you to say it.
01:05:47Okay, Andre...
01:05:48Andre is my sidekick.
01:05:49Goddamn it, Kevin!
01:05:50I need you to fucking say it!
01:05:51And I need you to believe it deep down in your fucking bones!
01:05:54Andre is my sidekick!
01:05:56I said Andre is my sidekick!
01:05:59Who's your sidekick?
01:06:00I said Andre is my sidekick!
01:06:01I'm your sidekick!
01:06:02Andre is my side...
01:06:05I'm your sidekick!
01:06:08What's happening to me, man?
01:06:10That's growth, Kevin.
01:06:12Growth hurts.
01:06:15That's a pain that no double can take for you.
01:06:19You see, Kevin, you came here seeking a mentor.
01:06:23But it's you.
01:06:26You are the mentor.
01:06:29Hell, yeah.
01:06:30Hell, yeah.
01:06:32Yeah.
01:06:34You know what? You know what?
01:06:35Why don't you, uh...
01:06:36take this moment, talk.
01:06:39Talk over your new bond.
01:06:42I'm gonna go...
01:06:43get my tea.
01:06:48What a fucking day.
01:06:51I mean, now that I'm essentially...
01:06:52I've been deputized as your sidekick,
01:06:54I have an idea for Doug.
01:06:55We can work together on this.
01:06:56We gotta get close to him.
01:06:57Okay? We don't have to record him or anything.
01:06:59Like...
01:07:00What's wrong? What's wrong?
01:07:02That scar on his hand.
01:07:04Yeah?
01:07:06I think I recognize that scar.
01:07:22Let's go.
01:07:45We don't have any scheduled deliveries.
01:07:47Please turn around.
01:07:48Hey, pal, I got a hot date with my old lady in 30 minutes.
01:07:51Meatball sub night.
01:07:52And all I know...
01:07:54is I got a package from Deborah Simon at the studio.
01:07:57Now, I can either leave it here or I can take it over.
01:08:00You gotta tell me what you want me to do.
01:08:05Go ahead.
01:08:06That's what I thought. I'll see you in a bit.
01:08:08Up, up!
01:08:11Okay.
01:08:12Hey!
01:08:13Ronald Mondovia, Mondovia Plumbing.
01:08:16License and bonded.
01:08:18You know, some guys are licensed, not bonded.
01:08:20Some guys are bonded, not licensed.
01:08:22Me, I'm both licensed and bonded.
01:08:24Deborah Simon's a plumber?
01:08:25Not a plumber, my man!
01:08:27The plumber. I can plumb anything with pipes.
01:08:29Fuck it. Sometimes I don't even need pipes.
01:08:31One time I plumbed a vanilla envelope.
01:08:33Water was spouting fucking everywhere. It was insane.
01:08:35So what's in the van?
01:08:36Oh, my God.
01:08:37Hold on to your fucking beautiful, beautiful balls
01:08:40because this, my man,
01:08:42it's a commode.
01:08:44Imported Italian marble, beautiful one-piece construction,
01:08:4712-speed bidet.
01:08:49Little air fryer on the right.
01:08:50You want to cook, eat, circle life,
01:08:52shitting, eating at the same time.
01:08:53There's only a couple of these in the entire world.
01:08:55This, my friend, probably one of the best presents in the universe.
01:08:57So can you, uh...
01:08:59You know, uh...
01:09:00Eh?
01:09:04You, uh...
01:09:09You gonna help me fucking bring a nit or no?
01:09:11All right, fuck it. Whatever.
01:09:12Yeah, okay. I'll supervise.
01:09:14Bring it up. Use your back.
01:09:17Whoa, big boy. Big boy coming through.
01:09:18Big boy coming through. Big boy.
01:09:20Okay, Andre has the guard's attention.
01:09:22Okay.
01:09:23You sure you're ready for this?
01:09:24What? In our family, if an A-list actor is in trouble,
01:09:27we don't stand quietly by.
01:09:30We fight, and if we must, we die.
01:09:35Wow, well, the world could use more people like...
01:09:38Wait, what is your last name?
01:09:40Mandovia.
01:09:43Where the hell does this thing go?
01:09:45Oh, that is the million-dollar question, huh?
01:09:48Like, think about this.
01:09:49Well, you could powder room it,
01:09:51show it off like a prized pony,
01:09:53or you put it in the main bath,
01:09:56keep all that for yourself, hmm?
01:09:58Now, there's a third option, right?
01:10:00Listen up closely, because this one's fucking insane.
01:10:02You can put the commode right here,
01:10:05smack dab in the middle of the living room,
01:10:07and you take a big, greasy shower,
01:10:09smack dab in the middle of the living room,
01:10:11and you take a big, greasy shit right here,
01:10:13look everybody right in the eyes,
01:10:15make them wonder what your deal is.
01:10:17And I know what you're thinking.
01:10:18Holy shit, that's aggressive, right?
01:10:20But they'll respect the shit out of you.
01:10:22Wait a minute. Don't I know you?
01:10:23Don't you know...
01:10:25Don't you know...
01:10:27Yeah, boom, boom, boom, boom, yeah, yeah.
01:10:29Oh, you know what it is?
01:10:30Isn't this the place you took a shit so big up there
01:10:32that people thought there was a dog loose in the pipes?
01:10:34How the hell am I gonna take a shit?
01:10:36Man, what are you talking about? No.
01:10:37What, no you?
01:10:38No!
01:10:39A dog in the pipes?
01:10:40What, does a dachshund look like a dachshund?
01:10:42You think...
01:10:43Oh, no, is that the dog?
01:10:44Wait right here. I'll deal with you in a minute.
01:10:46Yeah, I'm on my way right here.
01:10:48I'm in New York City, you know what I mean?
01:10:51Kevin, Kevin, you okay, baby?
01:10:53Everything went incredible up here. You all right?
01:10:55Yeah, I'm all right.
01:10:56Sweating my goddamn ass off, though.
01:10:58Jesus Christ, how do they cut no holes in here?
01:11:00Let's get you out of here and kick some fucking ass.
01:11:02What do you say, huh?
01:11:03All right, come on. Let's go.
01:11:04Yes!
01:11:08Come on.
01:11:19What are you doing?
01:11:20Funny story.
01:11:21You're gonna lose your goddamn mind.
01:11:23I drilled this puppy a little bit too hard.
01:11:26I can't get it out without the aid of some tools,
01:11:28so give me a second.
01:11:29I'm gonna grab some tools. I'll be right back.
01:11:31Okay, talk soon?
01:11:32Hey, Andre, you better stop playing.
01:11:34Seriously, man.
01:11:35Andre!
01:11:37Andre!
01:11:46Hey, were those fireworks?
01:11:49I live next door at the Mondovia Estate.
01:11:52Did you set those off? You know that that is illegal.
01:11:55They're not ours.
01:11:56I don't know who set these off.
01:11:58It scared the bejesus out of me,
01:12:00and I have a pacemaker.
01:12:02What do you have to say for yourself?
01:12:04Look, lady, I told you they're not my fireworks,
01:12:06and I didn't shit in any pipes.
01:12:08What?
01:12:14That's for Andre.
01:12:22Andre!
01:12:24Andre!
01:12:25Come on, man, I'm serious.
01:12:29There you go. What took you so long? Where you go?
01:12:32Leave me in this box with all that goddamn quiet.
01:12:34Don't do that.
01:12:37What the fuck is that?
01:12:39Hey!
01:12:41Andre, that's a chainsaw!
01:12:43Okay, hold on, wait, wait, wait.
01:12:45Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
01:12:47Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
01:12:49Slow down, slow down, slow down!
01:12:52Come on, come on, fucking hell!
01:12:54Come on, come on!
01:12:55No more chainsaw!
01:12:57No more cha... No more chainsaw!
01:12:59No more chainsaw! Okay!
01:13:01Jesus Christ!
01:13:03Shit!
01:13:04What the fuck, Andre?
01:13:05Oh, shit.
01:13:07Oh, shit.
01:13:09There'll be half a stunt actors everywhere.
01:13:12I'm excited to say
01:13:14this is your day of reckoning!
01:13:19Hold on!
01:13:21Trying to tell me a big old stunt legend like yourself
01:13:23needed a chainsaw?
01:13:25Huh?
01:13:29That's what the fuck I'm talking about. Two men.
01:13:31How about two dogs and a bowl?
01:13:33I want to eat.
01:13:35Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:13:38You got a knife?
01:13:40Big old man like yourself?
01:13:42Stunt legend? You need a knife?
01:13:44For little old me, that's what you need?
01:13:46Fuck it.
01:13:48I'll kill you with my hands.
01:13:55Yeah.
01:13:57You know, things don't go too good for you
01:13:59in that little shitty hallway.
01:14:00Me and Jordan whooped your ass.
01:14:02Mask I was wearing was 100% polyester.
01:14:04Unbreathable.
01:14:06Sweating in my contacts held a child could've kicked my ass.
01:14:08Oh, that's a real elaborate excuse, don't you think?
01:14:10Superman punch!
01:14:15Oh, shit!
01:14:17Oh, shit!
01:14:25Shit! Andre!
01:14:27Andre, do the sidekick stuff!
01:14:29I made all that shit up about your sidekick.
01:14:31You think I'd help you?
01:14:33You think I'd put a greedy,
01:14:35unappreciative, overrated actor
01:14:37over a stuntman?
01:14:39I just thought it'd be fun
01:14:41to give you some false hope
01:14:43before you die!
01:14:45Shit! You're gonna break my arm!
01:14:47Add in every other one of the 206 bones in your body,
01:14:50and then I'm gonna eat your ass!
01:14:52I knew it! I knew you were gonna eat it!
01:14:55I knew I had to eat it!
01:15:03That'd be cute and nice.
01:15:05What are you gonna do with that? You gonna hurt me with that?
01:15:07Huh? Huh?
01:15:09No. But she is.
01:15:14Oh, shit.
01:15:16Oh, you got him.
01:15:18It's... Okay. Um...
01:15:20Holy shit.
01:15:22Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
01:15:24Look at me. Look at me. Eyes.
01:15:26You good.
01:15:28Thirsty.
01:15:30You what? Thirsty.
01:15:32Well, get you something to drink.
01:15:36You fucking threw a knife at him.
01:15:38I didn't know what else to do.
01:15:40I meant for his shoulder. How did you mean for his shoulder?
01:15:42He's been fucking stabbed in a fireplace.
01:15:44This is him.
01:15:48He's awake. It's a good sign.
01:15:50It's a good thing he's awake. Look, he's fine. He's fine.
01:15:52What are you talking... He's fine.
01:15:54Yeah, look, I mean, he's...
01:15:56He's a fucking zombie. What do you mean he's fine?
01:15:58Oh, God, he's gonna burn himself.
01:16:00He's gonna get a burn on his hand or something.
01:16:02It's not really the worst thing that could happen to him at this point.
01:16:05That's true.
01:16:07Hey, there he is.
01:16:09How you doing, man?
01:16:11Jesus Christ.
01:16:13He's just... He's okay.
01:16:15He's just neck-taking. He's not dead. He's fine.
01:16:17He's okay? Yeah.
01:16:19Wait. Where's Andre?
01:16:21Where's my sweet boy?
01:16:23Yeah, don't you worry,
01:16:25because I found him.
01:16:27Sorry. I'm sorry.
01:16:29I made an oopsie-daisy. I got captured.
01:16:31I thought I heard your voice, but it wasn't your voice.
01:16:33It was his voice. I'm the worst sidekick in the world.
01:16:35Hey, hey, shut up. I'm gonna shut up.
01:16:37Shut up. I'm gonna shut up.
01:16:39You hurt one hair on my son's head, I swear to God.
01:16:41Motherfucker, I will split you from chin to balls.
01:16:45Who the fuck are you?
01:16:47That's my mom. I love you, Mom.
01:16:50What the hell is your mother doing here, boy?
01:16:52I'm here for moral support, and I love him.
01:16:54I love you, Mom.
01:16:56But I will fuck you up!
01:16:58Try me! Mom, I love you.
01:17:01How come y'all don't have no guns?
01:17:03Because we're not here to kill anybody, Doug.
01:17:05Oh. Oh, is that right?
01:17:07Then where's Mr. 206 at?
01:17:10He's...
01:17:12making breakfast.
01:17:15Is this a fucking joke to you?
01:17:18Is this a fucking joke to you?
01:17:21Shut your ass up.
01:17:23What the fuck you crying for?
01:17:25I can feel it in your soul.
01:17:27That man was my mentor.
01:17:29He was my muse.
01:17:31My rock.
01:17:332003 for a brief period
01:17:35where I was confused about my sexuality.
01:17:37He was my lover.
01:17:39Sounds like a very special man.
01:17:41Shut your ass up. Don't bother him.
01:17:43Hey, hey, listen to me.
01:17:45Doug, we're sorry for your loss, man.
01:17:47I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
01:17:49Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're sorry, huh?
01:17:51Hmm?
01:17:53See, y'all a bunch of brainiacs.
01:17:55I thought I had all you dead
01:17:57in that goddamn business office, and I did.
01:17:59All right, Doug.
01:18:01Doug, listen to me. Don't you hurt him, man.
01:18:03You hear me? Don't hurt him.
01:18:05Oh, because you care all of a sudden? Hmm?
01:18:08All of a sudden, you got a fucking hot tin man?
01:18:11You don't care about nothing.
01:18:13This man ain't nothing but an employee of yours,
01:18:16which means he's disposable, ain't that right?
01:18:18Hmm?
01:18:19That's not true.
01:18:21That man is the complete opposite of that.
01:18:24Andre's 34 years old.
01:18:2635.
01:18:27He's left-handed.
01:18:29Right-handed.
01:18:30Afraid of scorpions.
01:18:32I love scorpions.
01:18:33He won a sixth-grade spelling bee.
01:18:35I got fourth place.
01:18:36He memorized every single line of House Party,
01:18:38both kids and plays.
01:18:39You did that.
01:18:40I did do that. That is me.
01:18:42Andre is the one man that I cannot live without.
01:18:45I'm with you ride or die.
01:18:47Although I was hoping for a little bit more ride
01:18:49and a little less die,
01:18:50I think I'm gonna die, like, really soon.
01:18:52Enough. Enough. I'm gonna shut up.
01:18:54Now, stop it.
01:18:55You don't even want him, man.
01:18:57You want me. I'm the one that messed up.
01:18:59I'm the one that threw you out
01:19:01like Tuesday's trash
01:19:03and left you on the side of the goddamn curb
01:19:05without the blink of an eye.
01:19:07I did that.
01:19:08You want me, not him.
01:19:10So let him go.
01:19:12Let him go and take me.
01:19:14That's what you want? You want me to let him go?
01:19:16Hmm? Say it. Say it again.
01:19:18I want you to let him go.
01:19:20Mama, how about you?
01:19:21Please let him go.
01:19:22Let him go, huh?
01:19:23Let me go.
01:19:24You want me to let you go?
01:19:25Please, Doug, that'd be so nice.
01:19:26Everybody tell me to let you go.
01:19:27Please.
01:19:28I should just let you go?
01:19:29Hey, Mama, I'm gonna let him go.
01:19:30Thank you.
01:19:31Make sure you watch, huh?
01:19:32You watching?
01:19:33Thank you.
01:19:34You can't just...
01:19:35Shit!
01:19:36Oh, no!
01:19:37He let go.
01:19:38He literally let go.
01:19:39You gotta let him go good.
01:19:40Doug!
01:19:41This ends now!
01:19:42Oh!
01:19:43Well, that's okay with me,
01:19:45little boots.
01:19:50Then let's do it the hard way!
01:19:52Motherfucker!
01:19:54I got your ass.
01:19:58Honey.
01:19:59Oh.
01:20:00My baby's alive.
01:20:01He's alive.
01:20:02He's alive.
01:20:03I'm okay.
01:20:04No, you're okay.
01:20:05I'm fine, I'm fine.
01:20:06It's my fault.
01:20:07You see me?
01:20:08That was the dead drop I never got to do in the woods.
01:20:10That was my tribute to you.
01:20:12Okay, come on, let's get you up.
01:20:13Get up, get up, get up.
01:20:14Get up, get up, get up.
01:20:16Okay, we gotta get him all...
01:20:17Oh, my God.
01:20:18What happened?
01:20:19What's going on?
01:20:20Nothing.
01:20:21Tiny, tiny break at the table.
01:20:22Just...
01:20:23Where is it?
01:20:24What part is it?
01:20:25No, no, no, no!
01:20:26Don't touch it!
01:20:27No, no, no, no!
01:20:28Don't touch it.
01:20:29It's nothing.
01:20:30It's nothing crazy.
01:20:31It's a little splinter.
01:20:32Get the tweezers!
01:20:33Let's get it out!
01:20:34I'll get my tweezers.
01:20:35No, no, no, no!
01:20:36Stop fiddling with it!
01:20:37Okay, let's go get him to the hospital.
01:20:39It feels like something's in my kidney, right?
01:20:41I'm not walking.
01:20:42Come on.
01:20:43Okay.
01:20:44Jesus.
01:20:47What the hell is that?
01:20:49Oh, I installed customizable lights in here,
01:20:51but you never had time to learn how to use them.
01:20:53All them years!
01:20:55I was your stuntman, Kevin!
01:20:59Get him to the hospital, Mom.
01:21:00Jordi, come with me.
01:21:01Okay, be careful.
01:21:02Come on, honey, help me up.
01:21:04See, Kevin, it wasn't just taking falls
01:21:07and getting kicked in the face
01:21:09and getting set on fire.
01:21:10Mm-mm.
01:21:11That's not all I was doing to make you look good.
01:21:14You remember Justice Squad Part II?
01:21:18You decided to gain 30 pounds for the part.
01:21:22That meant that I had to gain 30 pounds, too, Kevin!
01:21:26I'm a free diabetic, you selfish fuck!
01:21:28I almost put myself in a coma!
01:21:29Okay, hey, hey, Doug.
01:21:31Easy.
01:21:33All right?
01:21:34I'm sorry, man, I made a mistake.
01:21:35Shut your ass up.
01:21:36Mom, no, Mom, no.
01:21:37Mom, no.
01:21:38I can't, Mom, I can't leave.
01:21:39No, I'm not gonna let you die.
01:21:41I'm not losing another.
01:21:42Mom, Mom, Mom, listen, okay?
01:21:44Look at me.
01:21:46I know you wish you could have saved Dad.
01:21:48Yeah?
01:21:49I know, I know.
01:21:50But this is different.
01:21:51I'm not just Kevin's assistant.
01:21:53I'm his sidekick,
01:21:54and you want to know the first rule of sidekick?
01:21:58Do no harm?
01:21:59No, that's doctor's mouth.
01:22:01The first rule of sidekick is there is no sidekick.
01:22:04It's Fight Club, Mom.
01:22:05You know that Brad Pitt
01:22:06and that Ed Norton did that, Mom.
01:22:08Just tell me that.
01:22:09Okay, listen to me.
01:22:10And listen good, man.
01:22:11Back when I was a sidekick,
01:22:12I was always jealous of the lead actor
01:22:14and all the glory they got.
01:22:16And I told myself, Doug,
01:22:17I said, when I become a lead actor,
01:22:19I'm gonna get that same glory.
01:22:20I want it.
01:22:21I want to taste that.
01:22:23And I did.
01:22:24But when I tasted it, I handled it wrong.
01:22:26I was selfish.
01:22:27I was stupid, man.
01:22:29And now I realize how much I need my village.
01:22:31And, Doug, you're part of that village.
01:22:33Okay?
01:22:34I need you.
01:22:36I fucking need you.
01:22:37Now, give me a chance to make it up to you.
01:22:40Give me a chance to prove to you
01:22:42that this is what I want,
01:22:44that I want you, I need you.
01:22:46How about I give you the chance to suck my dick?
01:22:49Hmm?
01:22:50I'm living the life, boy.
01:22:52I'm in your goddamn mansion.
01:22:54Hmm?
01:22:55I live here.
01:22:56I got your career.
01:22:58Your agents love me.
01:23:00Them boys love me good.
01:23:01Got me a part in a movie and everything.
01:23:03I'm about to be Chucky in a new child's life.
01:23:05You took that shit!
01:23:06Get back before I goddamn skin your fucking lip.
01:23:08And I signed up for a new Woody Allen movie.
01:23:11Can't wait to see the press around that.
01:23:13Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
01:23:15No, no, no, no!
01:23:16Come on, come on, come on.
01:23:17Come on, wake up.
01:23:18Wake up, come on.
01:23:19Oh!
01:23:20What?
01:23:21What's happening?
01:23:22I think what you were about to do
01:23:25was to try to convince me
01:23:27that even though you've been impaled
01:23:29by a large piece of restoration hardware,
01:23:33you want to go back in there
01:23:35and fight some lunatic
01:23:37who is physically superior to you
01:23:39in every possible way
01:23:41because you're not just his sidekick.
01:23:44You're his best friend.
01:23:48You're goddamn right I am.
01:23:50So why go through all this trouble?
01:23:52The Swedish actor, the torture chamber?
01:23:55Yeah.
01:23:56You think it's easy stealing a man's identity, hmm?
01:23:59You think it's as easy as stealing his face?
01:24:01Well, it's not, little pretty.
01:24:03It's much harder than that.
01:24:05Had to get his goddamn fingerprint first.
01:24:07After that, I had to take all your goddamn passwords.
01:24:10Once I got that, I said,
01:24:12let me get your voice I.D.,
01:24:13all the other secrets that you're holding.
01:24:15I got it, I got it good.
01:24:17So now you have everything you need to be Kevin.
01:24:19Mm-hmm.
01:24:20You removed your mole, you sick son of a bitch.
01:24:22Yeah, I did.
01:24:24You know why?
01:24:25Because I'm Kevin Hart.
01:24:26I'm Kevin Hart.
01:24:27I got all the money in the world.
01:24:29I got the best dermatologist in the world
01:24:30because I'm Kevin Hart.
01:24:32Dr. Sanchez would never touch that rough-ass skin of yours.
01:24:35Well, she did, motherfucker.
01:24:36She did!
01:24:37Ah, shit!
01:24:38Ah!
01:24:39Ah!
01:24:40Ah!
01:24:41Ah!
01:24:42Ah!
01:24:43Ah!
01:24:44Ah!
01:24:45Ah!
01:24:46Ah!
01:24:47Ah!
01:24:48Ah!
01:24:49Ah!
01:24:50Ah!
01:24:51Ah!
01:24:52Ah!
01:24:53Smack your ass!
01:24:54Ah!
01:24:55Ah!
01:24:56Ah!
01:24:57Hold on!
01:24:58What?
01:24:59Superman punch!
01:25:00Ah!
01:25:01Ah!
01:25:02Ah!
01:25:03Ah!
01:25:04Ah!
01:25:05No, not today!
01:25:06Ah!
01:25:07Ah!
01:25:08Oh.
01:25:09Ah!
01:25:10I told you.
01:25:11Nice!
01:25:12Ah.
01:25:13Wasn't done with you.
01:25:15Oh, yeah.
01:25:18Yeah.
01:25:19See, I got your body.
01:25:21Fuck, you ain't got to do this, man.
01:25:22Give me a chance.
01:25:23For now.
01:25:24Doug, no!
01:25:25Now, I want your soul!
01:25:27I'm gonna get your fucking soul!
01:25:28Ah!
01:25:29Don't be assing to me.
01:25:31What the fuck you just do to me?
01:25:33Oh, shit.
01:25:35Just that?
01:25:36My goddamn scapular voice!
01:25:38Hey!
01:25:39Huh?
01:25:40That's a wrap on Doug.
01:25:42Oh, got me good.
01:25:44Motherfucker!
01:25:46Ah.
01:25:47Ah.
01:25:48Hold on, Andre.
01:25:50Is that the piece of wood that was lodged in your side?
01:25:53Sidekick.
01:25:55No, Andre, that was supposed to stay in to stop the bleeding.
01:25:58I told him it was a dumb idea, but does he listen to his mom?
01:26:01I'd do anything for you, man.
01:26:02Hey, hey, look at me.
01:26:04You're the best damn sidekick I ever seen.
01:26:07All right, guys, call the cops.
01:26:08Stay where you are.
01:26:09Stay where you are.
01:26:10Stay where you are.
01:26:12Stay where you are.
01:26:13Stay where you are.
01:26:14All right, guys, call the cops.
01:26:15Stay with Doug until they get here.
01:26:17OK?
01:26:18We got to get you to the hospital.
01:26:20This time, I'm driving.
01:26:24You know, actually, I will drive.
01:26:26I'm going to drive.
01:26:27I saw the way you drove last time,
01:26:28so I think I'll take it from here.
01:26:30Why don't we just get in the car?
01:26:31We'll figure it out.
01:26:32We'll figure it out.
01:26:33Yeah, but I'll use my feet and hands,
01:26:34and you can sit on my lap or some shit.
01:26:35He's in shock.
01:26:36I got you, buddy.
01:26:37Keep an eye on Doug.
01:26:39I got you, buddy.
01:26:40Oh.
01:26:43I mean, I was foolish.
01:26:45I let my ego run the show, and I'm honestly,
01:26:49I'm lucky to be alive.
01:26:50We both are.
01:26:52Why is he here with us again?
01:26:55Because he's a vital part of my team.
01:26:57Ah, OK.
01:26:58Hi, hi, hi.
01:26:59Sorry.
01:27:00Sorry I'm late.
01:27:01And so is she.
01:27:04And so are they.
01:27:05Woo!
01:27:06Hey!
01:27:08All right.
01:27:09Um, who is the older lady?
01:27:10You talking about that gorgeous woman in the back?
01:27:13That's my mama.
01:27:14Mama!
01:27:15How's the food?
01:27:16Oh, it's so confusing.
01:27:18Yeah.
01:27:19I love it, though.
01:27:20I'm not really sure what her role is yet.
01:27:22We're still trying to iron out the kinks.
01:27:24But what I do know is it takes a village
01:27:26to operate the world with Kevin Hart, and she's a villager.
01:27:29What's a villager?
01:27:30Wow, Kevin.
01:27:32I got to say, you certainly have changed.
01:27:34No, I just learned to appreciate the people that matter
01:27:37the most in my life.
01:27:39Well?
01:27:41Does that mean that you're in for Jefferson's tomb?
01:27:44Yeah.
01:27:45Just got to check with my stuntman first.
01:27:49Isn't he in prison now?
01:27:54He is!
01:27:55Yeah, I don't know.
01:27:56It slipped my mind.
01:27:58Oh, I forgot.
01:28:00Hey.
01:28:01Hey, guard!
01:28:02Guard!
01:28:03Hey, let me out of here!
01:28:05I'm telling you, you got the wrong guy!
01:28:06Shut the fuck up!
01:28:07I'm Kevin Hart!
01:28:09I'm Kevin Hart!