Dave & Chuck the Freak talk about an e-mail from a listener who shared something odd he does to prevent "swamp ass". We then receive many an ass secret or tip on how to keep things dry back there.
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00I got this other email.
00:08Also came in to email at DaveAndChuckTheFreak.com.
00:10Said, hey, guys, my coworker told me the other day
00:13that he does something daily,
00:14and I'm wondering if there's anyone else who does this.
00:17Lisa, he says.
00:18What?
00:19I apologize ahead of time.
00:21Oh, God, this is a tough show for you already, huh?
00:23I know it is, yeah.
00:23This is just awful.
00:25Small hot guys.
00:25You should have taken the day.
00:28He said, it is kind of gross.
00:30So here's what he said.
00:32This coworker said that every morning before leaving for work,
00:34he rolls up several sheets of toilet paper,
00:37one square long, into a blunt-like shape,
00:40and places it between his butt cheeks right on his butthole.
00:44Butt silencer.
00:45He says he does it to avoid swamp ass.
00:47It soaks up any juices.
00:50But I've never heard of anyone else in my life ever doing this.
00:54We've talked about it.
00:55Yeah, we definitely have.
00:56He said, I told him that has to absorb all the nastiness
00:59and concentrate it into one disgusting mass
01:01that must be absolutely horrendous smelling at the end of the day.
01:04Is there anyone else that does this?
01:07Yes.
01:07Yeah, hundreds.
01:09Hundreds.
01:09We did a topic on it.
01:10Yeah, hundreds of dudes.
01:12Yeah.
01:12Yeah.
01:13Yeah, it was years ago, dude.
01:14You may have missed it, but we did a swamp ass topic.
01:16Yeah.
01:16But he said, thanks for all the laughs.
01:18I've been listening for 10 years.
01:20Keep it up.
01:20And I would assume, like, it is contained,
01:22but I guess the guy at any point could reload the chamber.
01:27He could just sit down on a toilet, get rid of it, re-up.
01:32Yeah.
01:33You know?
01:33You thought it was going to be the silencer talk.
01:35Oh, that's what I thought it was going to be.
01:37Like silence his farts?
01:38Yeah.
01:39Yeah, we've talked about that, too.
01:40We've talked about that.
01:40Yeah.
01:40That's a solid method.
01:42Foilet paper, many uses.
01:43Uh-huh.
01:44Swamp ass.
01:44They call it the man pond, right?
01:46I think so.
01:47Yeah.
01:47I think that's one term for it, yeah.
01:50It's disgusting.
01:51I don't understand it.
01:52I guess I've never had a sweaty ass problem.
01:56Well, that's just it.
01:57You consider yourself lucky.
01:59Absolutely, I do.
02:00Yeah.
02:00My ass does not sweat where I have to shove a man pond in it.
02:03There's a lot of people that have swamp ass at the gym,
02:06and they think you've got to clean.
02:09I mean, there was a former coworker that we worked with.
02:12Yep.
02:13And he, I mean, he was on a health kick, which is great,
02:16but he was a bigger guy, and he wore gray shorts,
02:19and he had a choice.
02:21That was the only place he sweat.
02:23As he turned around and walked out of the room,
02:24Chuck and I were like, sweet God.
02:26Yeah, like a skunk.
02:27Yeah.
02:27Like a skunk's stripe right down his-
02:29So he needs man ponds.
02:31I swear I have a memory of walking in there,
02:34and those shorts were over the back of a chair.
02:39Yeah.
02:39Yeah.
02:40Like he was drying them out.
02:42He had changed, but realized they were wet.
02:46I haven't worn those shorts since.
02:47No.
02:48No.
02:49No.
02:51I mean, people sweat.
02:52Yeah, of course.
02:53Yeah, they do.
02:53It's a sweat.
02:54You just got to figure out how to, yeah,
02:56contain it, control it.
02:58I guess to me, I would be like, would you layer up?
03:01I don't know what I would do if-
03:03You wouldn't wear gray.
03:04No, you don't wear gray.
03:05That was number one.
03:06You just go black shorts, and you're fine.
03:08Don't you have a spray or something?
03:09I do have a spray, and I have-
03:11Because you're outside a lot for baseball,
03:12so you have a lot of little tips, I think.
03:13Yeah, I had, you know, you get the stuff back there.
03:16Chuck the Freak's sweat tips.
03:18Well-
03:18It's not bad.
03:19I mean, it's certainly not bad.
03:20We should have taken it a day.
03:21I mean, I love that that guy thought that that was the worst thing I've heard.
03:26Like, it's like, or just, oh, sorry, Lisa.
03:28Oh, yeah, Lisa's probably not going to get over this.
03:30Yeah, no.
03:31That's nothing compared to the things we talked about.
03:33This guy said, try living in the South during the summer.
03:36The second you walk outside, you get some old ass.
03:39That's horrible.
03:41Someone, oh, this guy said, I don't do it in the back.
03:43I do it in the front.
03:44So he wraps maybe it around his-
03:47I wrap my front bit after sex to prevent leakage.
03:51Oh, okay.
03:52Yeah.
03:53My front bit.
03:54He gets a little residual.
03:56He gets a little-
03:57After?
03:58I've heard of three.
03:59I haven't heard of after.
03:59Yeah, sometimes some guys are like, what?
04:02I missed the party?
04:03Well, I'm getting out of here.
04:05That's weird to wrap him up.
04:06Yeah, like a mummy.
04:07Yeah.
04:08Someone said, I use a man pond when I poop during work hours because I unfortunately have
04:13a leaky butt.
04:15That's to be plagued by a leaky butt.
04:17It's got to be pretty bad.
04:19But that's not good.
04:21I don't even think just sticking some paper back there is going to help.
04:24No.
04:25Not somebody in that situation?
04:26Nah.
04:27Just shreds.
04:28Just shreds it up.
04:29Yep.
04:31Especially any kind of work-related paper.
04:34Rick works with a guy who does something a little different back there.
04:38Hey, Rick.
04:39Hey, how's it going?
04:40I worked with a guy in the trade.
04:42He would take a frozen water bottle on hot days and put it in his ass crack.
04:49That's revolting.
04:50Does he not?
04:51Please tell me he doesn't.
04:52Yeah, he does.
04:53You know what he's doing.
04:54Yep.
04:54We know what he's doing here.
04:55That melts the ice, Dave.
04:57I've done it with your water bottle.
04:58He would drink it.
04:59He would drink it afterwards.
05:00Come on.
05:01It's been in his ass!
05:04More water.
05:05Oh.
05:06Yeah.
05:07Swamp-ass tips.
05:08But it was the best way to cool himself down.
05:10That's not on my list.
05:12Best way to cool himself down.
05:13No, it shouldn't be.
05:14Okay.
05:15No.
05:15No, don't put a frozen water bottle in your ass, Chuck.
05:17No, I mean, it is devastating when you're super thirsty and then you reach for a water
05:22bottle and it is a pure block of ice and you think to yourself for a minute, I could
05:26put this in my ass and it would melt, but you don't.
05:31But then you get a wet ass.
05:33You would.
05:33Like the condensation from the outside, that's...
05:36Yeah, you would.
05:36Almost as uncomfortable as the swab is.
05:38Right.
05:39I feel like if ice directly touches your B-hole, you could freeze to death.
05:43I don't think that's correct.
05:44Damn it.
05:45That's how they keep you alive and don't they shove that in the military?
05:50Oh, that ice to wake you up.
05:50Yeah.
05:51Right up there.
05:52Right up there.
05:53Cool you right down.
05:54To get a water bottle between your cheeks there, those are some serious cheeks.
05:58I was going to say, I don't know how many water bottles I could just pick up with
06:02my cheeks.
06:02Big old cheeks.
06:03Probably some.
06:05Stay tuned for Chuck the Freak's water bottle challenge coming to his social media that
06:08Shane will miss out on us.
06:09Dude, what do we want to...
06:10Shane.
06:12Oh yeah, Shane's...
06:13All the Shanes are blocked.
06:16Someone said, every morning after I crap, I tuck a couple of tux pads up there.
06:23Game changer.
06:24Tux pads?
06:25What is that?
06:26I don't know.
06:26We're not in the sweaty ass game, you know?
06:29Like, so...
06:31Oh, I've seen those.
06:32Oh, I've seen those.
06:32Oh, medicated hemorrhoid pads.
06:34Oh, I've seen those on the shelf.
06:36The drugstore.
06:36Tux.
06:37Tux.
06:37Whoa.
06:39They've got witch hazel.
06:40They clean sensitive areas.
06:42They protect from irritation.
06:43Hemorrhoid treatment, medicated pads used by hospitals.
06:45Is that a preparation?
06:48Or what is that?
06:49What is the other one?
06:49Some kind of...
06:50Like a prep H?
06:51Yeah.
06:51Or do you think that's a...
06:52Like a competitor?
06:52You think that's a...
06:53Well, to me, that seems more like a cleaning thing that you'd want to...
06:58Oh.
06:58You're cleaning around it.
07:00Gotta hope you got no little fissures or cuts that'll sting.
07:04Yeah.
07:04But really?
07:05Because it says it gives you immediate relief from burning, itching, and...
07:07Well, because normally you're not cut.
07:10Normally you're not cut back there.
07:11But if you have any kind of...
07:14People got a lot of butt secrets.
07:16No, they do.
07:17What's in their butts?
07:18They should be secrets.
07:19Secrets.
07:19Yeah.
07:19They should be kept secrets.
07:21I know.
07:21They never are here.
07:22You know?
07:23They let out.
07:23That's what a secret is.
07:24People share a lot of secrets with us.
07:26Yeah.
07:26They do.
07:27Stuff that they probably don't tell anyone else in the world.
07:29Yeah.
07:29Like no one, I'm sure no one else in this man's life knows he's got an ass full of tux.
07:33Exactly.
07:34No.
07:34No.
07:34I bet people are like, I can smell something medicated.
07:38Yeah, they smell it.
07:39I guess better than ass.
07:40They smell it, you know?
07:40I guess better than...
07:41I guess.
07:41You might be right.
07:43A little witch hazel.
07:43Yeah.
07:44If I smell like witch hazel all of a sudden.
07:46So if he farts, it probably...
07:47Nice.
07:49That mentholiptus kind of...
07:51Yeah.
07:52What happens if you got tux right by there and you do let one...
07:55It could make like a...
07:56Oh, yeah.
07:58A devastating noise.
08:00Hopefully it'll like...
08:02It could slap.
08:02Almost like a fire blanket.
08:03It'll sort of...
08:05Like kind of cover it.
08:06Yeah.
08:07Just like...
08:07Like put it out.
08:07Someone said here in Florida, we have a dude on the construction site who always brings
08:13one piece of white bread in a Ziploc to soak up his cracked sweat.
08:17Come on.
08:18Then he eats it.
08:19Then he eats it.
08:19It would fall apart.
08:21He would.
08:21He had crumbs in your butt.
08:22He's speaking to the integrity of the bread.
08:23It would.
08:24You could get a nice like French baguette.
08:27No, they're sturdy.
08:28You could stick one of them back there.
08:29Yeah, that would be the only thing.
08:30Yeah.
08:31Yeah.
08:31Really soften it up too.
08:33This guy in Florida says he actually puts deodorant in his ass crack and under his balls.
08:37Well, yeah.
08:37That's the number one.
08:39That would be my number one tip.
08:41Get yourself some safe for use back there.
08:44Specifically designated ass deodorant.
08:46Yeah.
08:46You can't use that under your arms too.
08:48I think that there are people that just do.
08:50They buy like an old spice that they don't plan to use anywhere else.
08:57You can't use the same stuff.
08:58No, no.
08:58It's got to be clearly marked.
08:59You should label it ass deodorant.
09:01Yeah.
09:01Clearly marked.
09:03Because you can't put that under your arms or God forbid anyone else uses it, borrows it.
09:07Right.
09:08That's a bad day.
09:09Well, thanks for all your ass tips.
09:12And your ass secrets.
09:14Get yourself some tux and have yourself a day.
09:16Some bread, some water.
09:18Yeah.
09:18Tux.
09:19Yeah.
09:19It's wild to work with somebody that's got bread in their ass.
09:23That's a wild thing.
09:24That's a wild thing to just roll on with every day.
09:27Like, yeah.
09:28That's old bread butt over there.
09:30That's how he rolls.
09:31Every morning, a big white slice.
09:34One piece of white bread, please.
09:37One singular slice, please.
09:39I'd go wonder if I was doing it.
09:43Because I think wonder, it's so, but it's so chemically, I think it would maintain its integrity a little better.
09:49Yeah.
09:49Yeah.
09:50I can see that.
09:50I can see that.
09:51Because I think some of the store-bought fancier breads are really airy.
09:55Yes.
09:56You know?
09:56Wonder's thick and chemically meaty.
09:59Yep.
10:00Use wonder up your ass if that's what you're looking for.
10:02Yeah.
10:03I might go with a banana bread.
10:05Oh, wow.
10:05No.
10:06A banana bread?
10:07No, that'd be a crumble nightmare.
10:08It's a waste.
10:09I know it's a waste, but it's real dense.
10:11Yeah.
10:12But it's also moist.
10:13There's walnuts.
10:13Yeah.
10:14I don't know.
10:14Oh, yeah.
10:15I hope you don't have a nut.
10:15See, he couldn't do that.
10:16He's got a nut allergy.
10:17Oh, that's right.
10:18Don't put banana bread in my butt.
10:20I won't.
10:21I won't.
10:22Just use a wonder bread.
10:23It's like a sponge.
10:24I like it to suck it up.
10:26Yeah, it is very spongy.
10:26That'd be terrible.
10:27Oh, my God.
10:28I have an allergic reaction.
10:29Hives all over my butt.
10:30Oh, wow.
10:31Jeez.
10:31Bad times.