Why are bi people often dismissed as being "confused?"
R.J. Aguiar answers the 6 questions he is most commonly asked about identifying as bisexual.
R.J. Aguiar answers the 6 questions he is most commonly asked about identifying as bisexual.
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00:00I am still bisexual when I'm single.
00:02I'm bisexual when I'm dating a chick.
00:04I'm bisexual when I'm dating a dude.
00:05I'm always bisexual.
00:06It doesn't change.
00:11The official sort of community definition of bisexual
00:14states that bisexuality is the ability to be attracted
00:18to multiple genders, not necessarily at the same time,
00:21to the same degree, or in the same way.
00:23Like, yeah, I am attracted to multiple genders,
00:25but the attraction isn't exactly the same across the board.
00:30There's a lot of misconceptions around the definition
00:33of bisexuality.
00:33A lot of people, for instance, think that it's a definition
00:36that only includes people who are assigned those genders
00:40at birth, male and female.
00:42Not true.
00:43I can very happily sleep with, date somebody
00:47who's non-binary, they, them,
00:49and still comfortably identify myself as bisexual.
00:52If you look at the bisexual manifesto
00:54that was written in the early 90s,
00:55like, we were some of the first people to argue
00:57that there are only two genders,
00:58we were some of the first people to argue
00:59that there are more than two genders.
01:01So a lot of people were like, oh, bi means two.
01:04Doesn't that mean binary?
01:05It's like, okay, here's the bi.
01:06Here's, here's the two, like, same gender,
01:10different genders.
01:12The attraction moves in two different directions.
01:14There's your bi.
01:19For a lot of people that it just changes
01:22depending on the mood.
01:23Like, yeah, sometimes I want, I want, I want boobs.
01:28Other times it's like, no, I'm definitely like,
01:30I want, I want, like, I want a man.
01:32For myself and for a lot of other bi men
01:35that I've talked to, it's like, we,
01:37for the most part, tend to gravitate towards men
01:41in terms of who we, you know, sort of sleep with and date,
01:44but that's not for lack of desire.
01:48For, you know, for other genders,
01:50it's just that in a lot of ways,
01:52society kind of tends to put you in a box.
01:54And so it's just sort of easier to stick with a community
02:00that's a little bit more open-minded.
02:06It's a question I get a lot,
02:08and it's still up for a bit of discussion,
02:11even in activist circles.
02:12Someone who's bi doesn't necessarily experience
02:15attraction to all genders the same way.
02:17Whereas on the whole, a pansexual person
02:20has like little to no hangups when it comes to gender,
02:23expression, or sexual identity, or anything.
02:25Queer is more just a generic term
02:28that encompasses both sexuality and gender.
02:31It really just kind of refers to anything
02:33that doesn't fit neatly into traditional definitions
02:37of sex and gender.
02:42If someone says I'm confused,
02:43I'm just like, nah, dude, you're confused.
02:45You have to be like 100% sure that you're ready for that
02:51before you start coming out and telling people about it.
02:54There's another myth surrounding bisexuality
02:56of like bi privilege, which is, you know,
02:59in theory we're privileged because we have the ability
03:02to access both gay and straight spaces.
03:05While that can be true in theory,
03:08it's like 99 times out of 100 being accepted
03:12in those circles means lying about who we are.
03:14And that imposter syndrome,
03:18that inability to find genuine true acceptance
03:24takes its toll on people.
03:26A lot of times when you first meet someone,
03:28they are straight until proven otherwise.
03:31They are cisgender until proven otherwise.
03:33They are monosexual until proven otherwise.
03:35And it's like, don't assume.
03:42Oh, there is zero question in my mind whatsoever
03:46as to whether there's a tension in the LGBTQIA plus
03:49community specifically hostile towards bi identified people.
03:53Everybody who tries to dismiss, like outright dismiss
03:57bisexuality is monosexual, but in the queer community.
04:01So gay and lesbian.
04:02Bi people were there from the beginning of the contemporary,
04:06you know, queer liberation movement.
04:09I mean, you know, Sylvia Rivera,
04:11one of the trans women who helped start
04:13the Stonewall riots was also by a lot of people's accounts
04:18was also identified as bisexual.
04:21Brenda Howard, the organizer of the first ever pride parade
04:25was a bisexual woman.
04:26And so we've been there from the beginning.
04:30I think one of the reasons why bi people kind of catch a
04:34lot of flack is because our experience kind of forces
04:39people to view things a lot,
04:41a lot deeper than they previously were required to.
04:45They don't want to go through the effort of trying to deepen
04:49their understanding of something that is incredibly complex
04:54and nuanced and seems to a lot of times defy description
04:58and definition.
04:59And that is human sexuality.
05:00It's just weird.