The pope doesn't approve of condoms?
Welcome to Jimmy Carr's official YouTube channel, where you can find all the best bits from his stand-up comedy shows, TV appearances, podcasts, and more!
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#JimmyCarr #Comedy
Welcome to Jimmy Carr's official YouTube channel, where you can find all the best bits from his stand-up comedy shows, TV appearances, podcasts, and more!
Check out my latest tour info here: https://www.jimmycarr.com/
Subscribe to this channel and turn on notifications to get notified whenever Jimmy uploads a new video. You won't regret it, unless you're easily offended.
Subscribe now: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCf9BO33b-MnIxB5y0azrxmg/?sub_confirmation=1
#JimmyCarr #Comedy
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NewsTranscript
00:00The most commonly shoplifted book in the world is the Bible.
00:02Yeah.
00:03Which sounds weird, but then makes perfect sense,
00:05because how are you meant to know not to steal it till you've read it?
00:09I got handed a leaflet in the street saying,
00:11God loved you so much, he nailed himself to a cross.
00:14I thought, what? One-handed?
00:20The Pope? The Pope doesn't approve of condoms.
00:22Which is fair enough. He's entitled to his opinion.
00:24But how does he suggest I smuggle cocaine?
00:31If I went on to Dragon's Den, I would pitch the dragons a device
00:35that makes you less of a self-satisfied smug cunt.
00:49I've discovered there's a big difference between having something engraved for someone
00:52and having something of theirs keyed.
00:54To rejoice in someone else's misfortune, the Germans call it schadenfreude.
01:02We call it, you've been framed.
01:09They say revenge is best served cold, and they say revenge is sweet.
01:13So really what they're saying is, revenge is ice cream.
01:20I think it goes without saying.
01:25I'm glad you agree.
01:28I was tempted just to go for 40 minutes.
01:31That would have been terrifically funny, or shit.
01:34Maybe shit.
01:35We don't have an en-suite bathroom, but we do have plastic sheets.
01:41If anything, it's more convenient.
01:44I don't know if you've noticed, but I've got a lot of plastic sheets.
01:47I don't know if you've noticed, but I've got a lot of plastic sheets.
01:50I've got a lot of plastic sheets.
01:52I think it's more convenient.
01:56I was in the cinema, and something struck me.
01:58I think it was a peanut M&M.
02:03I'm a great driver, and last year I got 25 points.
02:08If you're Scottish, and you don't want to know how you're going to die, look away now.
02:13Heart disease.
02:17When my doctor told me I had heart problems, I took it with a pinch of salt.
02:22To cut a long story short, Frodo does it.
02:31What we've just done, ladies and gentlemen, is somewhere in the region of 60 jokes in 10 minutes.
02:35That's quite a lot of jokes per minute. That represents value for money during the credit crunch, I believe.
02:39Well done, me.
02:40What I've been trying to do is write the shortest joke possible, so I can pack even more jokes into the show.
02:44So last year in the show, I had a four-word joke.
02:46It's only four words long, but it's a proper joke.
02:48Venison's dear, isn't it?
02:53It's only four words. That doesn't fuck about. It gets straight to the point.
02:56So this year, I thought, while I go one louder, I'll attempt a three-word joke.
02:59So, for your delight and delectation...
03:02Stationary store moves.
03:13Have you ever had this?
03:14My girlfriend made me fire our cleaner, because she said the cleaner was too good-looking,
03:18and she didn't want her in the house.
03:20How mental is that? She was a really good cleaner.
03:22She was especially good at getting spunk out of hair.
03:29Did you know every day, nearly 4,000 serious sexual assaults occur in my mind?
03:39In America, in Oklahoma, where that fertilizer bomb went off,
03:42they've now got a garden of remembrance.
03:47And it has come up a treat.
03:50So every cloud.
03:53These kids in American high schools, I'm sure you've read about them.
03:5514, 15, 16 years of age.
03:57They go into their high school with automatic weapons and handguns.
04:00They go apeshit.
04:01They shoot 20 or 30 of their fellow pupils before turning one of the guns on themselves.
04:06What is their fucking problem?
04:09Do they not know where the staff room is?
04:13They could be heroes!
04:16There's two ways to stop bullying.
04:18As I see it, ladies and gentlemen, there are two ways to stop bullying.
04:21Firstly, you can stop the bullies while that's been tried.
04:24Secondly, you can stop the kids that are being bullied from being such f***ing dicks.
04:31And really, the best way to do that is bullying.
04:37Am I what, sorry?
04:39Was I bullied at school? No.
04:46APPLAUSE
04:58We're all having fun. I'll just open this can of whoop-ass.
05:03Pop that there.
05:04You're remarkably confident for a man in some sort of hooded top.
05:09What do you do for a living, sir, do you mind me asking?
05:11I'm a student.
05:12You're a student and what are you studying?
05:13I'm still in secondary school in Ireland.
05:15You're still in secondary school in Ireland?
05:19And what do you want to be when you grow up?
05:28Lawyer.
05:29What, sorry?
05:30A lawyer.
05:31You want to be a lawyer, so you know you're a cunt, you're going down that road.
05:38And who are you here with this evening?
05:40I'm alone.
05:41You're alone?
05:44So, so far, we know you're alone and you're a bit of a cunt.
05:50I'm liking you, frankly.
05:52What's your name, sir?
05:53Chris.
05:54Chris, hey, Chris, you all right?
05:56And have you just come over for the show or are you over for the weekend?
05:58Just come over for the show.
05:59Well, God bless you, Chris.
06:00Feel free to join in any time you want.
06:03The more aggressive, the better, frankly.
06:05I quite like it.
06:14Chris bullied me.
06:24Yes, he will be.
06:27If you're being bullied because you've got a speech impediment, maybe you're from the Republic of Ireland.
06:35No, if you're being bullied because you've got a speech impediment, there are people you can talk to.
06:40But it will take fucking ages.
06:43And they may giggle a bit.
06:45I had a friend, she had a speech impediment.
06:47It was quite a severe sort of lispy thing.
06:49She was bullied so mercilessly at her job that she left.
06:52She's moved down to the coast now to work in the tourism industry.
06:55She sells seashells by the seashore.
06:58She doesn't like to talk about it.
07:01She can't.
07:03If you've got a lisp and you're offended by that, phowy.
07:08I'm not being snobbish, but I think you know you're common if you're at the same school as your mum.
07:14This is a bit snobbish.
07:16Do you get annoyed by kids that can't use cutlery properly?
07:18That irritates me, if they can't use cutlery properly.
07:20And that would add insult to injury, wouldn't it?
07:22If you got stabbed by some ASBO yob.
07:26And they were holding the knife like a pen.
07:30I'd be fucking livid.
07:32Do it again, this time properly.
07:36Caravan holidays.
07:37Caravan holidays are a fun way of telling your kids you're poor.
07:44Most people laughing, a couple of you giving me the stink eye.
07:48Giving me a look as if to say it's actually quite a posh caravan.
07:52It's her sixth birth and we go to Cornwall, so whatever.
07:56Just one question for you.
07:57On your holidays, do you shit in a cupboard?
08:04Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr and I'm announcing a new tour.
08:06It's called Jimmy Carr Laughs Funny.
08:08And if you're like me, it's the kind of thing you like.
08:10And if you don't like me, then why are you watching this?