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Have you ever had a haunting, unshakeable feeling that you're a special little specimen? I've got good news for you! Through science, we've found a way for anyone with truly disposable income to find out just what makes up the glistening arms of the special little snowflake they are.
Cast:
Roger Horton: Jack Hunter
Crew:
Written by Eli Yudin
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#dna #honestads #funny #parody #genetics
Have you ever had a haunting, unshakeable feeling that you're a special little specimen? I've got good news for you! Through science, we've found a way for anyone with truly disposable income to find out just what makes up the glistening arms of the special little snowflake they are.
Cast:
Roger Horton: Jack Hunter
Crew:
Written by Eli Yudin
Join this channel to get access to perks:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-0dXntqR76zT7b3-iB7Q1g/join
Honest Ads Merch: https://the-cracked-dispensary.creator-spring.com
Cracked.com: https://www.youtube.com/@UCjD2KyAEm84yVH8cTilID7Q
#dna #honestads #funny #parody #genetics
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00You might want to start getting your prostate checked.
00:03Here, I know a guy.
00:07Used to be a rock climber.
00:09Pointer finger like a grappling hook.
00:14DNA is the building block of all organisms.
00:17And what's the building block of DNA?
00:19Cum.
00:19That's right.
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00:54Have you ever had a haunting, unshakeable feeling
00:58that you're a special little specimen?
01:01Yes!
01:01Haven't you ever wondered about your history?
01:04Yes, I'm really interested in learning about my heritage.
01:07But as a white guy, you just aren't supposed to say that anymore.
01:10People think you are January 6th.
01:12I've got good news for you.
01:13I'm Roger Horton, head of the Raw Genetics Hort Lab.
01:17Here at Raw Genetics, we've found a way for anyone with truly disposable income
01:21to find out just what makes up the glistening arms of that special little snowflake they are.
01:27And with just a cold humdo and a vial of your bodily fluids,
01:31we can tell you all about you.
01:34Wow, I'm always interested in learning about myself.
01:37It's my favorite topic.
01:38Where do I sign up?
01:41Whoa, chunky.
01:42Do I have to read this?
01:43We'd prefer you didn't.
01:45Perfect.
01:46Now, let's crack open the book of you to the very first page.
01:51Yeah, let's go to the bookstore of me, where they sell me books and buy one.
01:56Okay, no need to belabor the metaphor.
02:01Now, if you could just spit into this Raw Genetics official collection vial, we'll get started.
02:10Good job!
02:12Now, let's just fast forward a couple of weeks to when we'll receive your results.
02:23And we're back.
02:25Here's the official report, fresh from the lab.
02:32Wow, I always knew I was white, but it's great to see it on paper.
02:36Isn't it though?
02:3899.9% Irish?
02:40My friends are going to be so excited when I use this to excuse my complicated relationship
02:45with alcohol.
02:46An insight that enables you to learn less about yourself delightful.
02:50Oh, and 0.1% Native American?
02:53I'm going to get a fun necklace.
02:55You could be like Ryan or one of our other happy ancestry customers.
03:01Wow, turns out my red hair is the product of the Norse running sexually roughshod
03:05through my ancestors' captured villages.
03:08I guess we really do have more fun.
03:10The Joseph Goebbels?
03:12No way.
03:13That's why I work in advertising.
03:15No way I'm paying you race-baiting eugenicist-obsessed assholes to tell me where I come from.
03:22Unless there's 40 acres and a mule in that goddamn envelope.
03:26And honestly, this whole thing seems wildly convenient.
03:30How did things go last time we tried to classify everything by race, huh?
03:33How's that going for you, America?
03:36Humankind is such a beautiful tapestry, and colonization our violent loom.
03:41I already felt an undeserved sense of accomplishment, and now it's even stronger.
03:46Hold on, my little knot of telomeres.
03:48We're not done yet.
03:50We also have results on your health and possible genetic diseases.
03:57Gimme, gimme, gimme!
03:58Hold on, you gotta pay extra for these.
04:00It's $50 for me to show you, and $100 for me to burn it forever.
04:07Ooh, that's for the best.
04:10Ooh, you might want to start getting your prostate checked.
04:14Here, I know a guy.
04:18Used to be a rock climber.
04:20Pointer finger like a grappling hook.
04:22Oh, by the way, what do you do with my DNA profile?
04:25Well, just hold on to it.
04:27For what?
04:28Don't worry, it's in our computer.
04:29One that's pretty hard to hack.
04:31Pretty hard?
04:32Look, it's for our eyes only, and the partners who help us with our research,
04:37and possibly the FBI.
04:38But don't worry, they're famously trustworthy.
04:41I'm starting to think I should have just asked my parents where I'm from.
04:45Well, too late for that now, my little four-leaf clover.
04:48Oh, one more thing.
04:50That's your real dad.
04:51You were conceived in a truck stop.
04:54We also think he might be the Zodiac Killer.
04:57I've been Roger, and I've got no DNA at all.
05:00A magic man made me out of river clay and put a scroll in my mouth.