• yesterday
Transcript
00:00I married Joan, what a girl, what a world, what a life, oh, I married Joan, what a mind,
00:17love is blind, what a wife, deary and gay, all day she keeps my heart laughing, never
00:24know where her brain is born, to each his own, can't deny that's why I married Joan.
00:35The Joan Davis Show, I Married Joan, America's favorite comedy show, starring America's queen
00:44of comedy, Joan Davis, as Mrs. Joan Stevens.
00:49And featuring Jim Backus, as Judge Bradley Stevens.
01:01I married Joan.
01:12Oh, good morning, you wonderful, wonderful guy, you.
01:31Joan, do you have to be so cheerful?
01:33Oh, how can I help it, being married to sweet darling wonderful you.
01:41Oh, that takes care of my shower this morning.
01:46Oh, breakfast in bed, what did I do to deserve this?
01:50You married me.
01:51Huh?
01:52Yes, this morning I suddenly realized how glad I am that you're my husband.
01:57And after all this time, it just occurred to you this morning.
02:00Oh, no darling.
02:04Well, honey, that's the truth.
02:09No, honey, I've been glad all the time, dear.
02:12But this morning, well, I got up very early this morning.
02:16I guess I'm excited about the reunion I'm having with all those old high school girlfriends
02:20of mine.
02:21Just think, I haven't seen them for 15 years.
02:24Well, anyway, as I was saying, I got up very early.
02:27And, well, I was thinking, would I be as excited about seeing the girls if I couldn't tell
02:32them that I was married to a judge?
02:34Oh, no, I see.
02:37I hope the girls just turn green with envy when they hear that I'm married to a judge.
02:43Well, honey, maybe some of the other girls married well, too.
02:48Maybe, but to a judge?
02:51Yes, I guess you're right.
02:52You know, judges don't grow on trees.
02:55Oh, no, no.
02:56Let me do that for you, judge.
02:58Oh, lover.
03:02Well, it isn't every girl who's lucky enough to land a judge.
03:06Especially, well, take Minnie, for instance.
03:10She was the flighty one of the bunch.
03:12Uh, what were you of the bunch?
03:14Me?
03:15Oh, I was the normal one.
03:19Oh, yes, darling, I'm just going to be eternally grateful to you for all the wonderful...
03:23Charlie, I can't get over this.
03:25Sorry.
03:26But when I walk into that old classroom and meet all the girls, I'll be proud.
03:31Believe me.
03:33Joan, Joan, I'm sorry.
03:35Oh, I'm sorry.
03:36I've had my breakfast.
03:38What am I doing?
03:39Just excited, I guess.
03:42Oh, thank you.
03:44Thank you for marrying me, you sweet, wonderful, hunk of judge.
03:48You mean it.
03:56Ooh.
03:59La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:02La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:04La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:07La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:10La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:13La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:16La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:18La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:21La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:24La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:28La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:34Joanie, you're going to be a dummy all your life.
04:39Joanie, Gloria.
04:42Oh, my ever gladness.
04:44Guess what happened to me.
04:46I married to a judge.
04:48You never could have been a judge, Bradley.
04:50He's awfully young to be a judge.
04:52Let me take a look at you.
04:55You haven't changed a bit.
04:58I want to hear all about you.
05:01What you've been doing.
05:02How you've been doing.
05:03I want to hear every little detail.
05:05You know how I always love sports.
05:06Did you ever hear of Judge Bradley J. Stevens?
05:09Huh?
05:10Well, the man I married happens to be a judge.
05:12Girls!
05:13Minnie!
05:14Oh, isn't this wonderful?
05:18Oh, no.
05:20Guess what happened to me.
05:21I married to a judge.
05:23He's awfully young to be a judge.
05:28Let me take a look at you.
05:31You haven't changed a bit.
05:34Now, as I was telling Gloria, the man I married to happens to be a judge.
05:38Girls!
05:39Oh, isn't this wonderful?
05:41What you've been doing.
05:43I never thought it would work out.
05:45You know, whenever I make a plan like that, it never works out.
05:47Bradley J., I tell you, I've been looking for you for years.
05:50And I'll tell the judges that you...
05:52Let me take a look at you.
05:55You haven't changed a bit.
05:58Well, let's all sit down, shall we?
05:59I think it's very important to get all the talk about this going.
06:01I made my mind up that when we get out of this town,
06:05girls, and now, as I was saying, the man that I'm married to...
06:09Oh, you're married, Joanie?
06:10Yes, I am.
06:11Oh, that's wonderful.
06:12How about you, Minnie? You married?
06:13No, I never found the time.
06:14Me neither.
06:15How about you, Gloria?
06:16No, too busy.
06:17You know, I've been training.
06:18I'm trying to let you know.
06:19When you travel around, I know.
06:20When you're traveling, I know.
06:21When you're traveling in England, I know.
06:22When you're traveling in England, I know.
06:24Oh, no.
06:25She came all the time.
06:26But you know, it's all right.
06:27I don't mind.
06:28All right.
06:29Well, then, where are you going?
06:30I'm going to be careful.
06:31Girls!
06:32What does this say?
06:33Judge.
06:34Judge.
06:35Very good.
06:36Now, speaking of judges, the man that I'm married to happens to be a...
06:40Congratulations.
06:41Well, thank you, Minnie.
06:42Yes, it's wonderful.
06:43It was wonderful.
06:44Congratulations, Gloria.
06:45For what?
06:46You mean you didn't believe that Babe Jones was the first person ever to swim across the
06:47Bay of Biscay?
06:48Well, of course.
06:49The papers were full of them.
06:50But what's that got to do with Gloria?
06:51You are Babe Jones?
06:52You look so different in the pictures with the goggles on and everything.
06:53I didn't recognize...
06:54Oh, my goodness.
07:10Oh, my goodness.
07:11Then you're also the national singles and doubles women's tennis champion?
07:15Well, what have you been doing, Minnie?
07:18Oh, you know me, Joanie.
07:20Still fooling around with cosmetics.
07:22Fooling around, huh?
07:23Joanie, do you happen to have a lipstick?
07:26Oh, sure.
07:27Ah, Madame Minette, eh?
07:30Well, of course.
07:32It's the best.
07:33I wouldn't use anything else.
07:34That a girl.
07:35Joanie, may I present to you Madame Minette.
07:39How do you do...
07:41Madame Minette?
07:43But your name is Minnie.
07:45Well, who'd buy a lipstick called Madame Minnie?
07:52Well, what have you been doing, Marsha?
07:54Oh, working for the government.
07:56Civil service, huh?
07:57Mm, you might call it that.
07:59Oh, that's nice.
08:00And you're not married, huh?
08:02No.
08:03Well, did I tell you girls who I married?
08:06No.
08:07Oh, Joanie, what does he do?
08:09Well, girls, the man I'm married to happens to be a...
08:14Come in.
08:17Dr. Bronson?
08:18No, there's no Dr. Bronson here.
08:21It's just us girls.
08:22I'm Dr. Bronson, General.
08:24Oh, pardon me.
08:28They told me at your hotel that you'd be here.
08:30The President desires to communicate with you.
08:32President?
08:33What President?
08:34Oh, I'm sorry.
08:35You need me when I call the White House today.
08:37That President?
08:39I know, but something urgent has come up, and he needs your advice.
09:06Hmm.
09:13Um, tell the President that I advise against it.
09:17Yes, Doctor.
09:18And I'll put a call through to him as soon as I get back to my hotel.
09:21Very good, Doctor.
09:22Good day, ladies.
09:28You're that Dr. Bronson of the State Department?
09:31Well, I had a doctor's degree in political science,
09:34so I used the title to appear more anonymous.
09:36But you're practically their best diplomatic troubleshooter,
09:39their ambassador with our portfolio.
09:42Well, tell us what you've been doing, Joni.
09:44Yes, with your peppin' ability,
09:46you must have really made a name for yourself.
09:49Well, I'm President of the Board of, um...
09:52I'm Chairman of the Bureau of, um...
09:55I'm Head of the Department of...
09:57I make great meatballs!
10:02What about an identity of my own?
10:04What on earth are you talking about?
10:07I'm talking about me, Bradley Stevens.
10:09That's what I'm talking about.
10:11I don't know what's going on, but, Joan, calm down.
10:14You're all upset!
10:16Don't you touch me!
10:18Not after the nasty thing you did to me.
10:21The nasty thing? What did I do?
10:23You married me!
10:26The nasty thing?
10:28Joan, you said you hated me.
10:32Oh, well, I didn't really mean it that way, honey.
10:35You know I love you, even though I hate you.
10:38But, gosh, Brad, you can't blame me.
10:41If it weren't for marrying you, I might have been a somebody, too.
10:44Like some certain other women that I know.
10:47Some certain other women?
10:49Oh, you mean your three high school friends?
10:51Yeah.
10:53They made a mark in the world because, well,
10:55they weren't rushed into marriage.
10:57Look, honey, you come over here and sit on old Brad's lap,
11:01and we'll talk this over.
11:03Well, if I had had half the chance,
11:06I could have done just as well as those other girls.
11:08I was just as smart in school as they were.
11:11Oh, now, Joanie.
11:13Well, I was, too.
11:14Now, you take Minnie Schultz, for instance.
11:16If it hadn't been for me, she would have gotten
11:18the lowest mark in algebra class.
11:20You helped her?
11:22Yes, I got the lowest mark.
11:25Joan.
11:26You know, Brad, I know that I could have been
11:28a big executive like Minnie.
11:30I just know it.
11:32Well, this is one problem you're going to have to solve yourself.
11:36Yes, dear.
11:42Sure.
11:43If I hadn't been rushed into marriage,
11:45I could have been as big a businesswoman as Minnie Schultz.
11:49Madame Nanette.
11:51I could have been...
11:53Lady Joan.
11:55Imagine me.
11:56Head of the largest cosmetic firm in the world.
11:59Sitting in my office.
12:00The largest office in the world.
12:02What power I'd have.
12:04The whole country at my feet.
12:06The largest feet in the world.
12:19Yes, this is Lady Joan.
12:21Sole owner of Lady Joan Cosmetics.
12:24Oh, hiya, Prez.
12:28What?
12:29The U.S. Treasury is a little low
12:31and you're worried about the budget?
12:33Two billion be enough?
12:35Glad to do it.
12:37Glad.
12:38Oh, by the way, one little formality.
12:41What are you putting up for collateral?
12:44Oh, I see.
12:46You'll put up taxes.
12:48Well, I'm sorry.
12:49I'm already holding taxes for what the last boy borrowed.
12:57Yes, Brewster?
12:59The staff is waiting outside for the regular Tuesday business conference, Lady Joan.
13:02Fine, send them in.
13:04Oh, wait.
13:08Light me.
13:15Real cool.
13:18Oh, Lady Joan.
13:19How can you treat me like this after what we've been to each other?
13:22Please, Brewster.
13:23We're about to have a business conference.
13:25Business, business.
13:26Is that all you care about?
13:28All I care about is you.
13:29I love you.
13:30Hopelessly, madly, insanely.
13:32I love you.
13:33Do you hear?
13:34I love you.
13:35Don't you have anything to say?
13:37Yes.
13:38What else is new?
13:40Look at you.
13:42So cold.
13:43So cruel.
13:44So sure of yourself.
13:46Only you can let yourself go enough to accept a man, to accept marriage.
13:50Oh, silly boy.
13:52I'm a big power in business.
13:55A tycooness.
13:57I'm not a foolish, emotional girl who wants to cook and scrub away her life for a man
14:02and wind up in nothing.
14:09But, Lady Joan, I can't go on living like this.
14:11Please, Brewster, one more outburst like that and I shall remove you as vice president
14:16and put you back to your old job.
14:18Eyebrow plucker, third class.
14:32Good afternoon, Lady Joan.
14:35Staff, I am happy to announce that Lady Joan Cosmetics is now the biggest single business
14:43in the entire world.
14:45And I am the biggest single business executive.
14:48And why?
14:50Because I'm single.
14:52Ashley.
14:56Joan, what about this shirt?
14:58You know how I hate starch in the collar.
15:00Haven't you any consideration for your husband's wishes?
15:03Husband?
15:04Starch?
15:05Shirts?
15:06Why, there must be some mistake.
15:07I'm Lady Joan.
15:08I don't have to worry about husbands and washing shirts and...
15:12Brewster, throw this bounder out of here.
15:19Staff, remove this fellow.
15:27Oh, Brad.
15:30What about the starch in your shirt?
15:34All right, I'll take care of it.
15:36I'll take care of it.
15:49Or I could have been a great athlete like Gloria.
15:52Sure.
15:54I used to be as good a swimmer as she was.
15:58Babe Jones.
16:00With the proper brakes, I could have been Babe Stevens.
16:05Why not?
16:10Keep it up, babe.
16:11You're doing great.
16:13This is getting pretty monotonous.
16:15I know, I know, babe.
16:17Here, have some hot soup.
16:37How much fiber?
16:39You've been in the water for four days.
16:41You passed the Queen Mary this morning.
16:43You should dock in Liverpool tomorrow about three.
16:54Joan, what in the world are you doing?
16:56This salad dressing tastes terrible and the dinner isn't half ready.
16:59Don't you realize a husband has certain rights and...
17:04Oh, Brad, no!
17:09Joanie, I tasted the salad dressing.
17:11It's terrible. It's flat.
17:14Well, it just needs a little salt.
17:19Look, honey, if you want to feel bad about your life all of a sudden, that's your privilege.
17:24Have some consideration for my feelings.
17:26Try and be a little diplomatic.
17:31Be a little diplomatic, huh?
17:33Like Marsha Bronson, I suppose.
17:35Diplomatic.
17:37People used to like me much more than Marsha.
17:40Dr. Bronson.
17:43Gosh, diplomats.
17:45They're all over the place.
17:47London, Vienna, Paris.
17:50Dr. Joan Stevens.
17:53Right?
17:54I'm Bronson.
17:55Glad to meet you, Bronson.
17:57I'm so relieved they've sent you, Doctor.
17:59The situation here has become much too difficult for me to handle.
18:01The President of France is waiting to see you.
18:04Lead on, Bronson.
18:09Monsieur President, may I present Mademoiselle Stevens.
18:14Mademoiselle Stevens, welcome.
18:18My country's greetings, President.
18:20And felicitations from my President.
18:24But I can't waste time.
18:26I am here on a special diplomatic mission.
18:28But of course, whenever the great Joan Stevens, without portfolio or name, arrives anywhere in the world, history is in the making.
18:36I am honored.
18:37Naturally.
18:39Well, I feel that an international power shift is in the making.
18:44If Sinaloa moves upon Bessarabia, and Bessarabia moves upon Indorasia, and Indorasia moves upon Pakistaria, and Pakistaria moves upon Arabesque, serious repercussions will follow that may be felt in Pasadena.
18:59As serious as that, mademoiselle?
19:01As serious as that.
19:02If you say so.
19:03I say so.
19:04Then it must be so.
19:05Naturally.
19:06And at the same time, due to pressures from these outer fringes, and a power squeeze in the middle, France may well become the Pope.
19:16But Evans, what must France do?
19:19There is only one thing France can do.
19:22What is that?
19:23Squeeze back.
19:25If you say so.
19:26I say so.
19:27Then it must be so.
19:28Naturally.
19:29Dr. Stevens, a special courier has just arrived with new orders.
19:33Joan! Joan!
19:36You are a special courier with new orders?
19:38And your orders are to come home.
19:40The salad dressing is okay, but what about the rest of the dinner?
19:44Please, I'm a dead man. I'm in Paris.
19:54Oh, grass.
20:00That did it.
20:02It's no use, Fred.
20:04I love you too much, not to be honest with you.
20:06Forgive me, but I never should have gotten married.
20:09Well, honey, I love you too much to stand in the way of your happiness.
20:12So you go out and make your mark in the world, and after you're famous, you come back to me.
20:16But before you start out on your new venture, you have to be a good little housewife for one more night and fix a nice dinner.
20:22We're having company.
20:23Company?
20:24Yes, Minnie called.
20:25She and the girls practically invited themselves over for dinner.
20:28Oh, well, I'm glad they're coming.
20:30They can give me some good advice and start me off.
20:33My last night as a housewife.
20:36Of course, where the line between right and wrong is not carefully drawn,
20:40then a person like myself, sitting in judgment upon others,
20:44must do a lot of soul searching.
20:46A judge must be free of pressure.
20:48Well, girls, I'm turning in my apron for good.
20:53Girls, you don't understand.
20:56Girls, you don't understand.
20:58Brad has released me.
21:00I can now concentrate on making my mark in the world.
21:04No more drudgery for me.
21:06You talk about drudgery.
21:08What do you think I'm up against?
21:10Laboratory breakdowns, advertising budgets, sales meetings, buyers,
21:14competitors stabbing you in the back.
21:16At least you get to stay home.
21:18I'm always on the move.
21:20No place to hang my hat.
21:21Protest marches, pickets, sabotage.
21:24On your guard, watch yourself.
21:27Drudgery.
21:28You should talk.
21:30Up every morning at 5 a.m.
21:32Do your road work for two hours.
21:34Breakfast, one lean lamb chop.
21:36Every day the same thing.
21:38Every day the same lamb chop.
21:40What are you girls complaining about?
21:42Well, what is it that you girls really want?
21:45A man to take care of me.
21:48One for me, too.
21:51One for me, too.
21:57What am I crying about?
21:59I've got a man.
22:01Have you, Johnny?
22:03Don't you remember you set me free today?
22:05That's right, she did.
22:07She certainly did.
22:09Judge, perhaps lunch tomorrow?
22:12Judge, what about dinner?
22:13Save supper time for me.
22:15I'll meet you any place you say.
22:17I'll be there, too.
22:20Now you girls, cut that out!
22:25But, Johnny lover,
22:27I thought you first wanted to make your mark.
22:30I do.
22:31And here it is.
22:32On you.
22:42I want to thank you girls for coming when I called.
22:46Incidentally, you did a wonderful job of acting.
22:49Who was acting?
22:51Let's speak for me.
22:56You're a doll, Brad.
22:58Joan doesn't know what a lucky girl she is.
23:01Who doesn't?
23:04All right, dear.
23:06Good night.
23:07Goodbye, girls.
23:08See you 15 years from now.
23:10It's been swell.
23:12Get in there.
23:13You're enjoying that, Brad.
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