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00:00I married Joan, what a girl, what a world, what a life, oh, I married Joan, what a mind,
00:17love is blind, what a wife, deary and gay, all day she keeps my heart laughing, never
00:24know where her brain is born, to each his own, can't deny that's why I married Joan.
00:35The Joan Davis Show, I Married Joan, America's favorite comedy show, starring America's queen
00:44of comedy, Joan Davis, as Mrs. Joan Stevens.
00:49And featuring Jim Backus, as Judge Bradley Stevens.
01:01I married Joan.
01:12Oh, good morning, you wonderful, wonderful guy, you.
01:31Joan, do you have to be so cheerful?
01:33Oh, how can I help it, being married to sweet darling wonderful you.
01:41Oh, that takes care of my shower this morning.
01:46Oh, breakfast in bed, what did I do to deserve this?
01:50You married me.
01:51Huh?
01:52Yes, this morning I suddenly realized how glad I am that you're my husband.
01:57And after all this time, it just occurred to you this morning.
02:00Oh, no darling.
02:04Well, honey, that's the truth.
02:09No, honey, I've been glad all the time, dear.
02:12But this morning, well, I got up very early this morning.
02:16I guess I'm excited about the reunion I'm having with all those old high school girlfriends
02:20of mine.
02:21Just think, I haven't seen them for 15 years.
02:24Well, anyway, as I was saying, I got up very early.
02:27And, well, I was thinking, would I be as excited about seeing the girls if I couldn't tell
02:32them that I was married to a judge?
02:34Oh, no, I see.
02:37I hope the girls just turn green with envy when they hear that I'm married to a judge.
02:43Well, honey, maybe some of the other girls married well, too.
02:48Maybe, but to a judge?
02:51Yes, I guess you're right.
02:52You know, judges don't grow on trees.
02:55Oh, no, no.
02:56Let me do that for you, judge.
02:58Oh, lover.
03:02Well, it isn't every girl who's lucky enough to land a judge.
03:06Especially, well, take Minnie, for instance.
03:10She was the flighty one of the bunch.
03:12Uh, what were you of the bunch?
03:14Me?
03:15Oh, I was the normal one.
03:19Oh, yes, darling, I'm just going to be eternally grateful to you for all the wonderful...
03:23Charlie, I can't get over this.
03:25Sorry.
03:26But when I walk into that old classroom and meet all the girls, I'll be proud.
03:31Believe me.
03:33Joan, Joan, I'm sorry.
03:35Oh, I'm sorry.
03:36I've had my breakfast.
03:38What am I doing?
03:39Just excited, I guess.
03:42Oh, thank you.
03:44Thank you for marrying me, you sweet, wonderful, hunk of judge.
03:48You mean it.
03:56Ooh.
03:59La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:02La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:04La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:07La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:10La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:13La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:16La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:18La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:21Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.
04:28Ba-ba-ba-bo.
04:34Joanie, you're going to be a dummy all your life.
04:39Joanie!
04:40Gloria!
04:41Oh, oh.
04:43Oh, I'm glad to see you.
04:45Guess what happened to me?
04:46I married to a judge.
04:48You never could have been a judge, Bradley.
04:50Mr. Stevens, he's awfully young to be a judge.
04:52Let me take a look at you.
04:56You haven't changed a bit.
04:58Oh, you know, right over here,
05:00I want to hear all about you.
05:01What you've been doing, how you've been doing.
05:03I want to hear every little detail.
05:05Well, you know how I always love sports.
05:06Did you ever hear of Judge Bradley J. Stevens?
05:09Huh?
05:10Well, the man I married happens to be a judge.
05:12Girls!
05:14Ninnies!
05:15Oh, isn't this wonderful?
05:17You know, I've been thinking about this
05:18for a long time, dear.
05:20I made up my mind.
05:21I married to a judge.
05:22I said I was not getting a Bradley J. Stevens.
05:25I mean, I offered my husband today a judge.
05:28Let me take a look at you.
05:31You haven't changed a bit.
05:34Now, as I was telling Gloria,
05:35the man I married to happens to be a judge.
05:38Girls!
05:39Ninnies!
05:40Oh, isn't this wonderful?
05:41You know, right over here,
05:42I want to hear every little detail.
05:43Oh, you know, right over here,
05:44I never thought it would work out.
05:45Oh, you know, right over here,
05:46I never thought it would work out.
05:47I'm a Bradley J.
05:48I want to tell you I've been looking for
05:49a woman out for judges.
05:52Let me take a look at you.
05:54You haven't changed a bit.
05:57Well, let's all sit down, shall we?
05:59It's very wonderful to get all of you
06:00out of the kitchen.
06:01I made my mind up.
06:02It's wonderful to have you here.
06:03Good news.
06:04Every night, you'll always firm.
06:05Girls, girls...
06:06And now, as I was saying,
06:07the man that I'm married to...
06:09Oh, you're married, Joanie?
06:10Yes, I am and he is.
06:11Oh, that's wonderful.
06:12How about you, Menny, are you married?
06:13No, I never found the time.
06:14Me neither.
06:15What about you, Gloria?
06:16I'm too busy, you know, I'm in training, I have a lot of things to do, you know.
06:20When you're traveling, you might as well leave when I was in England.
06:22I'd get a moment of my own.
06:24Oh, no, she came over here.
06:26But, you know, it's all right. I don't mind.
06:28All right, well, I'm sorry, Archie.
06:30I'm going to be careful.
06:31Girls!
06:33What does this say?
06:34Judge.
06:35Very good.
06:36Now, speaking of judges, the man that I'm married to happens to be a...
06:40Congratulations!
06:41Well, thank you, Minnie.
06:42Yes, it's wonderful.
06:45It was wonderful.
06:46We were so thrilled.
06:47Congratulations, Glory.
06:49For what?
06:50You mean you didn't believe that Babe Jones
06:52was the first person ever to swim across the Bay of Biscay?
06:55Well, of course, the papers were full of it,
06:57but what's that got to do with Glo...
06:59Glory, you are Babe Jones?
07:03Why, you look so different in the pictures,
07:05with the goggles on and everything.
07:07I didn't recognize...
07:09Oh, my goodness.
07:10Oh, my goodness.
07:11Then you're also the national singles
07:13and doubles women's tennis champion?
07:17What have you been doing, Minnie?
07:19Oh, you know me, Joanie.
07:20Still fooling around with cosmetics.
07:22Fooling around, huh?
07:24Joanie, do you happen to have a lipstick?
07:26Oh, sure.
07:29Ah, Madame Minette, eh?
07:32Well, of course, it's the best.
07:33I wouldn't use anything else.
07:34That a girl.
07:36Joanie, may I present to you Madame Minette.
07:39How do you do...
07:41Madame Minette?
07:43But your name is Minnie.
07:45Well, who'd buy a lipstick called Madame Minnie?
07:52What have you been doing, Marsha?
07:54Oh, working for the government.
07:56Civil service, huh?
07:57Hmm, you might call it that.
07:59Oh, that's nice.
08:00And you're not married, huh?
08:02No.
08:03Well, did I tell you girls who I married?
08:06No.
08:07I'm sorry, Joanie, what does he do?
08:09Well, girls, the man I'm married to happens to be a...
08:14Come in.
08:17Dr. Bronson?
08:18No, there's no Dr. Bronson here.
08:21It's just us girls.
08:22I'm Dr. Bronson, General.
08:24Oh, pardon me.
08:28They told me at your hotel that you'd be here.
08:30The President desires to communicate with you.
08:32President?
08:33What President?
08:34Oh, I'm sorry.
08:35He didn't see me when I called the White House today.
08:37That President?
08:39I know, but something urgent has come up and he needs your advice.
09:06Hmm.
09:13Um, tell the President that I advise against it.
09:17Yes, Doctor.
09:18And I'll put a call through to him as soon as I get back to my hotel.
09:21Very good, Doctor.
09:22Good day, ladies.
09:28You're that Dr. Bronson of the State Department?
09:31Well, I had a doctor's degree in political science,
09:34so I used the title to appear more anonymous.
09:36But you're practically their best diplomatic troubleshooter,
09:39their ambassador with our portfolio.
09:42Well, tell us what you've been doing, Joni.
09:44Yes, with your peppin' ability,
09:46you must have really made a name for yourself.
09:49Well, I'm President of the Board of, um...
09:52I'm Chairman of the Bureau of, um...
09:55I'm Head of the Department of...
09:57I make great meatballs!
10:02What about an identity of my own?
10:04What on earth are you talking about?
10:07I'm talking about me, Bradley Stevens.
10:09That's what I'm talking about.
10:11I don't know what's going on, but, Joan, calm down.
10:14You're all upset!
10:16Don't you touch me!
10:18Not after the nasty thing you did to me.
10:21The nasty thing? What did I do?
10:23You married me!
10:26The nasty thing?
10:28Joan, you said you hated me.
10:32Oh, well, I didn't really mean it that way, honey.
10:35You know I love you, even though I hate you.
10:38But, gosh, Brad, you can't blame me.
10:41If it weren't for marrying you, I might have been a somebody, too.
10:44Like some certain other women that I know.
10:47Some certain other women?
10:49Oh, you mean your three high school friends?
10:51Yeah.
10:53They made a mark in the world because, well,
10:55they weren't rushed into marriage.
10:57Look, honey, you come over here and sit on old Brad's lap,
11:01and we'll talk this over.
11:03Well, if I had had half the chance,
11:06I could have done just as well as those other girls.
11:08I was just as smart in school as they were.
11:11Oh, now, Joanie.
11:13Well, I was, too.
11:14Now, you take Minnie Schultz, for instance.
11:16If it hadn't been for me, she would have gotten
11:18the lowest mark in algebra class.
11:20You helped her?
11:22Yes, I got the lowest mark.
11:25Joan.
11:26You know, Brad, I know that I could have been
11:28a big executive like Minnie.
11:30I just know it.
11:32Well, this is one problem you're going to have to solve yourself.
11:36Yes, dear.
11:42Sure.
11:43If I hadn't been rushed into marriage,
11:45I could have been as big a businesswoman as Minnie Schultz.
11:49Madame Nanette.
11:51I could have been...
11:53Lady Joan.
11:55Imagine me,
11:56head of the largest cosmetic firm in the world,
11:59sitting in my office,
12:00the largest office in the world.
12:02What power I'd have.
12:04The whole country at my feet.
12:06The largest feet in the world.
12:19Yes, this is Lady Joan,
12:21sole owner of Lady Joan Cosmetics.
12:24Oh, hiya, Prez.
12:28What?
12:29The U.S. Treasury is a little low
12:31and you're worried about the budget?
12:33Two billion be enough?
12:35Glad to do it.
12:37Glad.
12:38Oh, by the way, one little formality.
12:41What are you putting up for collateral?
12:44Oh, I see.
12:45You'll put up taxes.
12:48I'm sorry, I'm already holding taxes
12:50for what the last boy borrowed.
12:57Yes, Brewster?
12:58The staff is waiting outside
12:59for the regular Tuesday business conference, Lady Joan.
13:02Fine, send them in.
13:04Oh, wait.
13:08Light me.
13:15Real cool.
13:18Oh, Lady Joan.
13:19How can you treat me like this
13:20after what we've been to each other?
13:22Please, Brewster.
13:23We're about to have a business conference.
13:25Business, business.
13:26Is that all you care about?
13:27All I care about is you.
13:29I love you.
13:30Hopelessly, madly, insanely.
13:32I love you.
13:33Do you hear?
13:34I love you.
13:35Don't you have anything to say?
13:37Yes.
13:38What else is new?
13:40Look at you.
13:42So cold.
13:43So cruel.
13:44So sure of yourself.
13:46Only you can let yourself go enough
13:47to accept a man, to accept marriage.
13:51Silly boy.
13:52I'm a big power in business.
13:55A tycooness.
13:57I'm not a foolish, emotional girl
13:59who wants to cook and scrub away her life
14:01for a man and wind up in nothing.
14:09But Lady Joan, I can't go on living like this.
14:11Please, Brewster, one more outburst like that
14:13and I shall remove you as vice president
14:16and put you back to your old job.
14:18Eyebrow plucker, third class.
14:32Good afternoon, Lady Joan.
14:36Staff, I am happy to announce
14:38that Lady Joan Cosmetics
14:40is now the biggest single business
14:43in the entire world.
14:45And I am the biggest single business executive.
14:48And why?
14:49Because I'm single.
14:52Ashley.
14:56Joan, what about this shirt?
14:57You know how I hate starch in the collar.
14:59Haven't you any consideration
15:00for your husband's wishes?
15:02Husband?
15:03Starch?
15:04Shirts?
15:05Why, there must be some mistake.
15:06I'm Lady Joan.
15:07I don't have to worry about husbands
15:09and washing shirts and...
15:11Brewster, throw this bounder out of here.
15:18Staff, remove this fellow.
15:26Oh, bread.
15:31What about the starch in your shirt?
15:35All right, I'll take care of it.
15:38I'll take care of it.
15:51Or I could have been a great athlete like Gloria.
15:54Sure.
15:55I used to be as good a swimmer as she was.
15:58Babe Jones.
16:01With the proper brakes,
16:02I could have been Babe Stevens.
16:06All right.
16:10Keep it up, babe.
16:11You're doing great.
16:13This is getting pretty monotonous.
16:15I know, I know, babe.
16:17Here, have some hot soup.
16:36How much fiber?
16:38You've been in the water for four days.
16:40You passed the Queen Mary this morning.
16:42You should dock in Liverpool tomorrow about three.
16:53Joan, what in the world are you doing?
16:55This salad dressing tastes terrible
16:57and the dinner isn't half ready.
16:59Don't you realize a husband has certain rights and...
17:03Oh, bread, no!
17:08Joanie, I taste the salad dressing.
17:10It's terrible.
17:11It's flat.
17:13Well, it just needs a little salt.
17:19Look, honey, if you want to feel bad about your life
17:21all of a sudden, that's your privilege.
17:23Have some consideration for my feelings.
17:25Try and be a little diplomatic.
17:29Be a little diplomatic, huh?
17:31Like Marsha Bronson, I suppose.
17:33Diplomatic.
17:35People used to like me much more than Marsha.
17:38Dr. Bronson.
17:41Gosh, diplomats.
17:43They're all over the place.
17:45London, Vienna, Paris.
17:48Dr. Joan Stevens.
17:50Dr. Stevens.
17:51Right?
17:52I'm Bronson.
17:53Glad to meet you, Bronson.
17:55I'm so relieved they've sent you, doctor.
17:57The situation here has become much too difficult for me to handle.
18:00The President of France is waiting to see you.
18:02Lead on, Bronson.
18:08Monsieur President, may I present Mademoiselle Stevens.
18:13Mademoiselle Stevens, welcome.
18:16My country's greetings, President,
18:18and felicitations from my President.
18:23But I can't waste time.
18:25I am here on a special diplomatic mission.
18:28But of course.
18:29Whenever the great Joan Stevens, without portfolio or name,
18:32arrives anywhere in the world,
18:34history is in the making.
18:36I am honored.
18:37Naturally.
18:38Well,
18:40I feel that an international power shift is in the making
18:43if Sinaloa moves upon Bessarabia,
18:46and Bessarabia moves upon Indonesia,
18:48and Indonesia moves upon Pakistaria,
18:51and Pakistaria moves upon Arabesque.
18:54Serious repercussions will follow
18:57that may be felt in Pasadena.
18:59As serious as that, Mademoiselle?
19:01As serious as that.
19:02If you say so.
19:03I say so.
19:04Then it must be so.
19:05Naturally.
19:06And at the same time,
19:08due to pressures from these outer fringes
19:11and a power squeeze in the middle,
19:14France may well become the Pope.
19:17Good heavens, what must France do?
19:20There is only one thing France can do.
19:22What is that?
19:23Squeeze back.
19:25If you say so.
19:26I say so.
19:27Then it must be so.
19:28Naturally.
19:29Dr. Stephens,
19:30a special courier has just arrived with new orders.
19:33Joan! Joan!
19:35You are a special courier with new orders?
19:38And your orders are to come home.
19:40The salad dressing is okay,
19:41but what about the rest of the dinner?
19:43Please, I'm a dead man.
19:45I'm in Paris.
19:46Paris!
19:54Oh, Brad!
20:00That did it.
20:04It's no use, Brad.
20:06I love you too much, not to be honest with you.
20:08Forgive me, but I never should have gotten married.
20:11Well, honey, I love you too much
20:13to stand in the way of your happiness.
20:15You go out and make your mark in the world,
20:17and after you're famous, you come back to me.
20:19But before you start out on your new venture,
20:21you have to be a good little housewife for one more night
20:23and fix a nice dinner.
20:25We're having company.
20:26Company?
20:27Yes, Minnie called.
20:28She and the girls practically invited themselves over for dinner.
20:31Oh, well, I'm glad they're coming.
20:33They can give me some good advice and start me off.
20:36My last night as a housewife!
20:39Of course, where the line between right and wrong
20:42is not carefully drawn.
20:44A person like myself, sitting in judgment upon others,
20:47must do a lot of soul searching.
20:49A judge must be free of pressure.
20:51Well, girls, I'm turning in my apron for good.
20:54Shh!
20:56Girls, you don't understand.
20:59Brad has released me.
21:01I can now concentrate on making my mark in the world.
21:04No more drudgery for me.
21:07You talk about drudgery.
21:08What do you think I'm up against?
21:10Laboratory breakdowns, advertising budgets,
21:13sales, meetings, buyers,
21:15competitors stabbing you in the back.
21:17At least you get to stay home.
21:19I'm always on the move.
21:20No place to hang my hat.
21:22Protest marches, pickets, sabotage.
21:25On your guard, watch yourself.
21:28Drudgery.
21:29You should talk.
21:30Up every morning at 5 a.m.
21:32Do your road work for two hours.
21:34Breakfast, one lean lamb chop.
21:37Every day the same thing.
21:38Every day the same lamb chop.
21:40What are you girls complaining about?
21:42Well, what is it that you girls really want?
21:45What?
21:46A man to take care of me.
21:48One for me too.
21:50Me too.
21:56What am I crying about?
21:58I've got a man.
22:00Have you, Johnny?
22:02Don't you remember you set me free today?
22:04That's right, she did.
22:06Yes.
22:07She certainly did.
22:08Judge, perhaps lunch tomorrow?
22:11Judge, what about dinner?
22:12Save supper time for me.
22:14I'll meet you any place you say.
22:15I'll be there too.
22:17Hold him.
22:18Hold him.
22:22Now you girls, cut that out!
22:25But Johnny lover,
22:27I thought you first wanted to make your mark.
22:30I do.
22:31And here it is.
22:32On you.
22:42I want to thank you girls for coming when I called.
22:45Incidentally, you did a wonderful job of acting.
22:48Who was acting?
22:51Let's speak for me.
22:55You're a doll, Brad.
22:57Joan doesn't know what a lucky girl she is.
23:00Who doesn't?
23:03All right, dear.
23:05Good night.
23:06Goodbye, girls.
23:07See you 15 years from now.
23:09It's been swell.
23:11Get in there.
23:12You were enjoying that, Brad.
23:39© BF-WATCH TV 2021