Combo Film
Combo Film
  • 2 days ago
https://amzn.to/47oPglX
Transcript
00:00:00Thank you for watching!
00:00:02If you find the video interesting, please subscribe, like, comment and share!
00:00:04Also, check out the blog!
00:00:06The link to the blog is in the description.
00:00:08Thanks again for watching!
00:00:10If you enjoyed my video, please subscribe!
00:00:12I hope to see you again soon!
00:00:14Bye!
00:00:30We're now back in the studio having shown you the type of crime which occurs all too
00:00:53frequently in London, keeping a highly organised police force constantly employed.
00:00:57But now, by way of contrast, we're taking you over to a little village on the coast.
00:01:02In the sleepy little hamlet of Turnbottom Round, there are no criminals.
00:01:06For years now, not a single conviction has been recorded, not even a name in the charge
00:01:10book.
00:01:11This unique record has caused Turnbottom Round to be envied throughout the south of England
00:01:15as the village without crime.
00:01:17The police station occupies an old watchtower and is probably the least used building in
00:01:21the neighbourhood.
00:01:23Ladies and gentlemen, the police station, Turnbottom Round.
00:01:28Well, here we are, ladies and gentlemen, in the police station of the village without
00:01:33crime.
00:01:34We have with us as an audience the squire and all the local celebrities.
00:01:40The absence of crime in this happy village is entirely due to the efficient and indefatigable
00:01:44efforts of the head of the local police force, Sergeant Dudford.
00:01:53Oh, is it me?
00:01:54Good evening, everybody.
00:01:55A little further back and not quite so loud, please.
00:01:56Oh, I see.
00:01:57A little farther back, yes.
00:01:58Is it true you've had no crime in this village for ten years?
00:01:59No, no.
00:02:00That's my bit.
00:02:01Oh, is it?
00:02:02Oh.
00:02:03I'm sorry, that's his bit.
00:02:04Yes.
00:02:05Is it true that you've had no crime in this village for ten years?
00:02:06Oh, I see.
00:02:07We're starting again.
00:02:08Yes, that is true.
00:02:09And how long exactly is it since you last had a crime?
00:02:10Ten years, five weeks, four days.
00:02:11Very interesting.
00:02:12And how long have you been in charge of this police station?
00:02:13Oh, ten years.
00:02:14And how long have you been in charge of this police station?
00:02:15Ten years.
00:02:16And how long exactly is it since you last had a crime?
00:02:17Ten years, five weeks, four days.
00:02:18Very interesting.
00:02:19And how long have you been in charge of this police station?
00:02:20Ten years, five weeks, four days.
00:02:21I can hardly believe it.
00:02:22Well, that's what it says here.
00:02:23Very commendable, Sergeant.
00:02:24A record like yours deserves a reward.
00:02:25Hey, where is it?
00:02:26I have merely done my duty.
00:02:27I do not expect any reward.
00:02:28I'm sorry.
00:02:29I don't remember approving that line.
00:02:30When you say there has been no crime, you mean no big crime.
00:02:31I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:32I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:33I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:34I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:35I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:36I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:37I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:38I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:39I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:40I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:41I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:42I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:43I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:44I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:45I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:46I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:47I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:48I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:49I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:50I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:51I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:52I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:53I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:54I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:55I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:56I mean none, either big or little.
00:02:57Since you've been here, definitely an achievement, Sergeant.
00:02:58Since you've been here, definitely an achievement, Sergeant.
00:02:59Since you've been here, definitely an achievement, Sergeant.
00:03:00I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:01I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:02I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:03I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:04I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:05I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:06I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:07I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:08I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:09I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:10I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:11I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:12I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:13I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:14I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:15I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:16I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:17I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:18I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:19I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:20I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:21I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:22I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:23I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:24I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:25I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:26I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:27I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:28I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:29I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:30I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:31I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:32I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:33I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:34I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:35I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:36I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:37I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:38I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:39I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:40I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:41I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:42I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:43I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:44I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:45I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:46I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:47I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:48I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:49I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:50I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:51I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:52I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:53I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:54I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:55I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:56I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:57I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:58I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:59I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:00I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:01I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:02I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:03I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:04I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:05I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:06I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:07I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:08I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:09I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:10I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:11I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:12I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:13I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:14I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:15I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:16I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:17I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:18I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:19I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:20I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:21I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:22I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:23I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:24I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:25I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:26I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:27I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:28I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:29I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:30I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:31I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:32I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:33I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:34I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:35I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:36I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:37I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:38I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:39I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:40I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:41I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:42I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:43I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:44I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:45I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:46I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:47I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:48I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:49I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:50I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:51I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:52I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:53I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:54I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:55I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:56I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:57I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:58I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:04:59I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:00I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:01I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:02I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:03I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:04I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:05I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:06I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:07I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:08I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:09I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:10I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:11I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:12I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:13I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:14I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:15I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:16I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:17I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:18I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:19I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:20I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:21I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:22I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:23I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:24I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:25I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:26I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:27I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:28I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:29I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:30I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:31I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:32I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:33I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:34I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:35I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:36I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:37I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:05:39Good night.
00:05:41Come and say good night to the gentlemen.
00:05:44Come on, come on.
00:05:45Good night.
00:05:47Good night.
00:05:48Good night.
00:05:49Vagabond!
00:05:50I'll kill you!
00:05:51We're not open yet.
00:05:56Got plenty for you this morning, Sarge.
00:06:00Have you?
00:06:01Yeah.
00:06:02Well, then wait for their money.
00:06:04Show them in next door.
00:06:07Shove them in next door.
00:06:15Hello, Ernie. How's the business? Very nice, thanks.
00:06:18The sergeant says I have to bring his post here.
00:06:20What, all that lunch? What's he been up to?
00:06:28Coming out tonight, Emily? Oh, I can't, Ernie. I've got a date.
00:06:31Not with Harry Pingle, the fish boy? Why, what have you got on Harry?
00:06:34Oh, nothing. I never thought a girl like you would aim a bit higher than a common eel skinner.
00:06:38Well, at least he does take me to the pictures.
00:06:40Pictures? Don't know what's the matter with you.
00:06:42You go there and pass out at Robert Taylor and Clark Gable.
00:06:45Takes you a couple of weeks to get used to me again.
00:06:48Oh, you're just jealous cos Harry's got a motorbike and you haven't.
00:06:50Huh, motorbike? I wouldn't take one of my girls out on a motorbike,
00:06:54bumping up and down on the pillion, getting disfigured for life.
00:06:57Don't you believe it, big boy? The back of a motorbike's OK by little Emily.
00:07:01I suppose you wouldn't come out in my... car?
00:07:03Your car? Well, you haven't got a car. It belongs to the police.
00:07:07Anyway, you're afraid to take me out in it.
00:07:09Says who? Says me.
00:07:11Well, you'll be at the crossways at half-past five tonight and we'll see.
00:07:14Well, I might. Now you've bought me this sweet.
00:07:17So long, honey bud. All right.
00:07:20Here, here. Here, here, here. Here, here, here.
00:07:23Don't empty my world of broken biscuits.
00:07:25Who are they for, the governor?
00:07:27Oh, I see. Well, at least it's all those for me.
00:07:29Perhaps they're Christmas cards.
00:07:31Remember, it's your fun mail after your broadcast.
00:07:34How do you know? Well, I opened one or two.
00:07:37You opened one or two? Do you know that's an offence?
00:07:39Yes. And so was your broadcast.
00:07:41Here, lovey. What's all that lot?
00:07:44My fan letters. Any for me?
00:07:46Look, there's one with OHMS on it.
00:07:48Ah, that'll be from the BBC. Wanting to fix up another broadcast.
00:07:51Yes.
00:07:53Yes, sir. Re your broadcast.
00:07:56Your failure to effect a single arrest for the past ten years,
00:07:59four weeks, four days, would strongly suggest
00:08:01that the police station in your area is unnecessary.
00:08:04Hmm. An investigation will shortly be made
00:08:06to decide whether to transfer you to another district
00:08:09or to retire you and your staff from the force altogether.
00:08:12Yours faithfully, John Conch, your chief constable.
00:08:15Hmm. Oh, dear.
00:08:17Transferred or retired. That's a bit thick.
00:08:19No, I don't want to retire. At least, not till I'm an old man.
00:08:22You're ten years older than the pyramids now. Just shut up.
00:08:24It's all your fault. You and your blooming broadcast.
00:08:27Well, there's gratitude for you. After me making him into a policeman.
00:08:30Well, you had to when his nephew resigned.
00:08:32Resigned? I like that. You mean did a bunk with a sports fund?
00:08:35Yes, and you kept his name on the payroll.
00:08:37That's right. And if I hadn't have come in, he wouldn't have had any odd bottle of show.
00:08:40Yeah, and you wouldn't be able to stick to half his wages.
00:08:42That's commission.
00:08:43You should talk. What about all that petrol you've been using taking your girl out?
00:08:46Well, what about it? It's not yours. It's police petrol.
00:08:49That's got nothing at all to do with it.
00:08:51It's the principle of the thing I'm talking about.
00:08:53There's no use fighting amongst ourselves.
00:08:55What are we going to do about this letter?
00:08:57Well, I'll tell you what we're going to do about it.
00:08:59If the chief wants arrests, he's going to have arrests.
00:09:01We've got to find some crime, that's all.
00:09:03Let me see.
00:09:05Here.
00:09:07I know where there's some crime. Where?
00:09:09In the news of the world.
00:09:11I mean, we can't wait till Sunday.
00:09:13What about Mrs. Clifford? Has she paid her dog licence?
00:09:15Well, she has in a way.
00:09:17What do you mean she has in a way?
00:09:19Well, she tossed me double or quits and I lost.
00:09:22We could get her for gambling.
00:09:23Oh, we can't do that. She's one of my best customers.
00:09:25Boxed the dog biscuits into Bob Martin's every Friday.
00:09:27Well, we're going to arrest someone whether we offend them or not.
00:09:30What about poaching?
00:09:33No.
00:09:35No.
00:09:39That's that cop, isn't he?
00:09:40You know, jolly well he hasn't got a car. He's only got a bike.
00:09:45Hey! Hey, come back here!
00:09:47You can't go carrying through here!
00:09:49What do you think this is, a restricted area?
00:09:52Hey, that's an idea. Restricted area.
00:09:54We'll set a speed sign.
00:09:56I mean, we'll give them arrest. We'll stop everything.
00:09:58Hey, where's my stopwatch, Albert?
00:10:00Oh, I gave it to Harbert.
00:10:01Yes, I had it, but I boiled it.
00:10:03You what?
00:10:04I boiled it. You see, I had the egg in one hand and the watch in the other and I put the wrong one in.
00:10:07You would. Well, you'd better bring the egg.
00:10:09What shall I do with it?
00:10:10Well, suck it and see.
00:10:13All right, I'm ready.
00:10:15Get in the hedge.
00:10:17All right.
00:10:21Well, I don't see how you're going to work it.
00:10:23Well, it's perfectly simple.
00:10:24Harbert's at the top of the road with the first post
00:10:26and when a car passes him, he's going to start his watch and drop his handkerchief.
00:10:29Yes, but what'll I do?
00:10:30Well, when you see his handkerchief, you start your watch.
00:10:32Yes, but who's going to stop the motorist?
00:10:34I am. I'm going to stop every car that passes him.
00:10:38Oh, you didn't stop that one.
00:10:40He came before I was ready.
00:10:41Here, set your watch by mine.
00:10:43Hey, sounds like another car.
00:10:45Well, get in the hedge over there.
00:11:08You're exceeding the speed limit.
00:11:10Don't talk rot.
00:11:11Oh, yes, you were.
00:11:12All right. How much do you reckon I was doing there?
00:11:14Oh, well, all in good time.
00:11:16Harbert! Harbottle!
00:11:20What was this man doing?
00:11:21Twenty-five minutes.
00:11:22Yes, minutes. Those are seconds.
00:11:24Oh, yes, I was looking at the wrong end.
00:11:26What do you measure?
00:11:27Twenty-five seconds.
00:11:28So do I.
00:11:29You did the measured furlong in twenty-five seconds.
00:11:31What of it? That's only twenty miles an hour.
00:11:33Oh, yes, but twenty miles each.
00:11:35You see, there are three of us.
00:11:36That makes it sixty.
00:11:37Sixty?
00:11:38What on earth are you dribbling about?
00:11:39Twenty-five seconds, one furlong.
00:11:41Work it out for yourself and see.
00:11:42Oh, that's easy.
00:11:43Oh, I've got a pencil.
00:11:44I suppose you think we can't do it, don't you?
00:11:46There you are.
00:11:47Let me see it.
00:11:48Now, what is it?
00:11:49Two hundred and twenty yards multiplied by eight.
00:11:53Here, not on my bonnet.
00:11:54All right, all right.
00:11:55We're only doing it to oblige you.
00:11:56I'm not going to do it to oblige you.
00:11:58I'm not going to do it to oblige you.
00:12:00I'm not going to do it to oblige you.
00:12:02We're only doing it to oblige you.
00:12:03Yes, we're courtesy cops.
00:12:04Yes.
00:12:05Two hundred and twenty yards multiplied by eight.
00:12:07That's one thousand seven hundred and sixty.
00:12:09Now divide that by twenty-five seconds.
00:12:11Hey, the thing to do is to reduce it to hours.
00:12:13How can you reduce twenty-five seconds to hours?
00:12:15Listen, how long do you expect me to wait here?
00:12:17You wait till we've finished.
00:12:18You ask for it, you're going to get it.
00:12:20Yeah, I've done it.
00:12:21Have you?
00:12:22Yes.
00:12:23Good.
00:12:24Twenty-five minus two hundred and twenty divided by sixty.
00:12:25Well, according to this, he hasn't got it here yet.
00:12:27Here, here it is.
00:12:28One thousand seven hundred and sixty divided by twenty-five gives us seventy point four.
00:12:32Seventy point four?
00:12:33Yeah.
00:12:34Well, it's gone up.
00:12:35Well, that's nearly eighty miles an hour.
00:12:36All right.
00:12:37Yes.
00:12:38Ask him for his license.
00:12:40I want to see your license.
00:12:41I haven't got a license.
00:12:43Huh?
00:12:44I said I haven't got a license.
00:12:45He hasn't got a license.
00:12:46Ask him for his insurance.
00:12:48Well, let me see your insurance certificate.
00:12:50I'm not insured.
00:12:52What do you mean, you haven't got a license or an insurance?
00:12:54No.
00:12:55He hasn't got a license or an insurance.
00:12:57Oh.
00:12:59Well, it's a very lucky thing for you, young man.
00:13:01You've just saved your bacon.
00:13:02Do you mean I can go?
00:13:03Well, I can't endorse your license if you haven't got one, can I?
00:13:05Go on, hop in.
00:13:07Next time, be sure you bring one with you.
00:13:09Yes.
00:13:17Well, if you ask me, it's a waste of time.
00:13:19Well, who's wasting the time?
00:13:20Only ten minutes to work out a simple little something like that.
00:13:22Well, it isn't a half full.
00:13:23It's a post.
00:13:24Well, what's the matter with them?
00:13:25Too clean?
00:13:26No, they're 220 yards apart.
00:13:28Well, what's that got to do with it?
00:13:30Look, there's 60 seconds in a minute.
00:13:3160 into 220 won't go.
00:13:33That's right.
00:13:34Well, if we made it 240, it's four.
00:13:36Four?
00:13:37Four times a minute.
00:13:39Oh.
00:13:40That seems very often, doesn't it?
00:13:41Oh, no, you don't understand.
00:13:42Look, if we move that post a bit this way, it's easy to divide.
00:13:46Well, why didn't you say so?
00:13:51Oh.
00:13:52Goddamn.
00:13:53Put your beef in it.
00:13:54I am putting beef in it.
00:13:55Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:13:57There it is.
00:13:58That is.
00:13:59We'll step it out 20 yards, and you bring the post with you.
00:14:02One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve.
00:14:10Hey, sounds like another car coming.
00:14:11All right, well, no arguments this time.
00:14:13We've all agreed it's doing 60.
00:14:15Right.
00:14:16Now, run up the road and get ready to drop your handkerchief.
00:14:17Hey, I haven't got a handkerchief.
00:14:20Well, drop your sleeve or whatever you use.
00:14:26Where shall I put this?
00:14:27Well, put it anywhere.
00:14:28Here, stick it there.
00:14:30Yes.
00:14:31Well, sticky.
00:14:32Well, sticky.
00:14:33Never mind, hold it.
00:14:35Get your watch ready.
00:14:43Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
00:14:52What on earth is the meaning of this?
00:14:54Well, first of all, have you got a license?
00:14:56Of course I've got a license.
00:14:57You have?
00:14:58Then you're for it, my lad.
00:14:59You were doing 60 miles an hour.
00:15:01I was doing what?
00:15:0260.
00:15:03Absolute nonsense.
00:15:07Now, what was this man doing?
00:15:08Sticking there.
00:15:09You have the evidence to tell me that I was doing 60.
00:15:12What's that?
00:15:13Oh, a policeman.
00:15:14Yes.
00:15:15Well, I must be going mad or something.
00:15:17What's he doing with that thing?
00:15:18That?
00:15:19That's evidence.
00:15:20Evidence, right.
00:15:21Quiet, quiet.
00:15:22Say, truly, uh, uh, truly, truly rural.
00:15:25Yes, that's right.
00:15:26Say that.
00:15:27Truly rubbish.
00:15:28As I thought.
00:15:29Drunk as well.
00:15:30All right, boys.
00:15:31That's enough.
00:15:32I warn you, anything you say will only make it worse for you.
00:15:33The handcuffs are a bit long.
00:15:34Leave him to me.
00:15:35Hey!
00:15:36Hey!
00:15:37Stop throttling my customer, will you?
00:15:38Oh, I see.
00:15:39Oh, he's resisting arrest, eh?
00:15:41All right, boys.
00:15:42Leave him be.
00:15:47Now, go on.
00:15:48Get in and drive him to the station.
00:15:49I'll tell you something.
00:15:50What?
00:15:51He wasn't going very fast at all.
00:15:52Well, fast or slow, it doesn't matter.
00:15:53The law's the law.
00:15:54I know.
00:15:55Go on.
00:16:02Ah, we've got a case at last.
00:16:04You search him?
00:16:05Yep.
00:16:06One pocketbook, one watch, one penknife and no money.
00:16:08Yeah.
00:16:09One penknife and no what?
00:16:10And no money.
00:16:11Come on.
00:16:12Turn out your pockets.
00:16:13Oh, all right.
00:16:14One penknife and 15 bob.
00:16:15I mean, will you never learn to be honest?
00:16:17He's as much our prisoner as yours.
00:16:19Yeah, five bob each.
00:16:21Now, let's see what his name is.
00:16:23Do you want anything inside?
00:16:33Oh.
00:16:34What's inside?
00:16:38What's the matter?
00:16:40We've only pinched the chief constable, that's all.
00:16:42Oh, that's an ace, ain't it?
00:16:43Yeah, we've got to get him out of that cell before he comes to.
00:16:46And when he wakes up, we don't know anything about this.
00:16:48We'll pretend we're surprised he's here.
00:16:49We'll ask him how he got here.
00:16:52I know.
00:16:53He hit something with his car.
00:16:54Tell him there's been an accident.
00:16:55Yes, and when he finds out there hasn't been an accident, there will be one.
00:16:57Don't be silly.
00:16:58After a plough and a head like that, he won't know what's happened.
00:17:00Where are you going?
00:17:01I'm going to have to fix the accident.
00:17:02Right.
00:17:18Hey!
00:17:20Hey, what are you doing?
00:17:21What are you doing?
00:17:22I'm kicking the front of the car in.
00:17:25Are you serious doing that?
00:17:27That won't look like an accident.
00:17:28You want to drive it into something?
00:17:30Well, that's a good idea.
00:17:31Hurry up.
00:17:32There's a van coming to any minute.
00:17:34Where's the starter?
00:17:35It's that little knob over there.
00:17:37Hey, come out.
00:17:38Let me do it.
00:17:40Let me.
00:17:41You're switching on the lights.
00:17:42There's the self-starter.
00:17:44Look at my samples.
00:17:46Why didn't you tell me you'd left it in gear?
00:17:48Well, you didn't give me time to tell you anything.
00:17:50Huh?
00:17:51Anyway, they can't say there hasn't been an accident.
00:18:03Oh, are you feeling better now, sir?
00:18:08You scoundrels.
00:18:10I'll have the lot of you in jail for this.
00:18:12He's delirious.
00:18:13Delirious? Why, I...
00:18:14Take it easy, sir.
00:18:15You've had an accident.
00:18:16What are you talking about?
00:18:18You assaulted me.
00:18:19That's right.
00:18:20No, you've had an accident, sir.
00:18:21Oh, an accident, sir.
00:18:22Yes.
00:18:23You were driving the car, and you suddenly left the road,
00:18:25went smack through the shop next door.
00:18:27You impudent scoundrels.
00:18:28Well, if you don't believe us, come out and have a look.
00:18:30Yes, yes.
00:18:31Come and have a look, sir.
00:18:32Come and have a look.
00:18:33You assaulted me on the high road.
00:18:35Well, we didn't...
00:18:36Oh, nothing of the kind.
00:18:37Well, we haven't been out of the house all day, sir.
00:18:39Really.
00:18:40You held me up and accused me of speeding, and you know it.
00:18:42Hallucination.
00:18:43Yes, that's what it is, sir.
00:18:44Hallucination.
00:18:45Very common after an accident.
00:18:46What?
00:18:47Especially a nasty one like this.
00:18:48Look.
00:18:49What have you done to my car?
00:18:50Keep calm, sir.
00:18:51Keep calm.
00:18:52It'll all come back to you.
00:18:53Come back?
00:18:54It hasn't gone away from me yet.
00:18:55You stopped me on the high road for speeding,
00:18:57and what's more, you accused me of being drunk.
00:18:59Oh, pure hallucination, sir.
00:19:00Yes, hallucination.
00:19:01Yes, halluc...
00:19:02That's right.
00:19:03Are you trying to tell me that I drove down this road
00:19:05and for no reason at all crashed my car into this shop?
00:19:07Exactly, sir.
00:19:08Yes.
00:19:09That's outrageous nonsense.
00:19:10Oh, excuse me, but it's perfectly true.
00:19:12What?
00:19:13I was in the Sadler's shop down the road and saw the whole thing.
00:19:15You did?
00:19:16Who's this?
00:19:17Oh, this is the squire.
00:19:19Do you mean to tell me you substantiate this man's story?
00:19:21Definitely.
00:19:22Well, you come with me.
00:19:25Yes.
00:19:28Thank you very much.
00:19:32If there's anything in this outrageous story,
00:19:33how on earth do you explain this bump?
00:19:35Well, might I suggest, sir, that you hit your head on the windscreen?
00:19:38Good heavens, ma'am, I can't hit the windscreen with the back of my head.
00:19:40Oh, maybe you was in reverse.
00:19:45Albert Brown, you can't do this to me.
00:19:47I've been waiting at the crossways over half an hour.
00:19:49Shut up, this is the chief constable.
00:19:51Oh, I didn't know you had a friend.
00:19:53Well, if you'd told me, I'd have brought Aggie.
00:19:55Who is this woman?
00:19:56This is Emily, sir.
00:19:57What's she doing here?
00:19:58She's my bird, sir.
00:19:59Your what?
00:20:00I mean, sir, she's his bit.
00:20:01She's the parlour maid at the manor.
00:20:02Come on, Emily, run along, we're very busy.
00:20:04Yes, but what about...
00:20:05All right, just a minute, ma'am.
00:20:09What is all this about?
00:20:10Oh, Constable Brown wants to know if he can go to the pictures.
00:20:13Certainly Constable Brown can go to the pictures.
00:20:15Oh, thanks, chief.
00:20:16You wouldn't like to go too, would you?
00:20:18No, I went last Wednesday.
00:20:19And what about you?
00:20:20No, I prefer the book by the fire.
00:20:21Oh, you do?
00:20:22Good night, all.
00:20:23Good night.
00:20:24Goodbye, what's your name?
00:20:25Abyssinia.
00:20:26Good night.
00:20:27Huh, bright little girl, isn't she?
00:20:29Well, chief, what about a little drink?
00:20:31Oh, of course, I'm sorry, they're not open yet.
00:20:33I'll take the jug round the side door, Mrs. Davis will let me have it.
00:20:36What?
00:20:37Yes, she always does.
00:20:38Yeah, that's a good idea.
00:20:39Would you prefer old and mild, or would you like bitter?
00:20:41I think you'd better take the large jug.
00:20:43Stay where you are.
00:20:44When I heard your broadcast, I expected to find it dead of incompetence,
00:20:47but I never thought it would be as bad as this.
00:20:49Telling a constable to go to the pictures with a girl,
00:20:51getting drinks out of hours,
00:20:52is that the way to run a police station?
00:20:54You call this a police force?
00:20:56How old are you?
00:20:57Forty-two.
00:20:58You look more like eighty-two to me.
00:21:00Oh, that's the life he's led.
00:21:01No, it isn't.
00:21:02It's through seeing it what done it.
00:21:03Seeing what?
00:21:04The ghost.
00:21:05What ghost?
00:21:06The ghost of the headless horseman driving hers.
00:21:08Horrible it was.
00:21:09I lost my ear, and my teeth fell out, all in a night.
00:21:12Ah, don't take any notice of him.
00:21:14He has hallucinations too.
00:21:15But it's true.
00:21:16Ah, true.
00:21:17Yes, and I'll tell you once more, I know other people...
00:21:19Remember, I wanted confirmation.
00:21:21If this place is run by a pack of idiots, I've got it.
00:21:23The most inefficient and disorganized ramble that ever had the audacity to call itself a police force.
00:21:27Apparently you consider this blundering incompetence,
00:21:29stirring illegality,
00:21:30and outrageous discourtesy to be the normal manifestations of a policeman's duty.
00:21:34You'll hear more than this.
00:21:41Oh, good-bye to you, gentlemen, good-bye.
00:21:43Thank you for calling.
00:21:44Don't worry, we'll look after everything.
00:21:46Yes.
00:21:47Well, go on, move along, move along.
00:21:48There's something to see.
00:21:49All right, all right.
00:21:56Now you've offended him.
00:21:58What do you want to tell him a silly, idiotic, daft story like that for?
00:22:01Headless horseman.
00:22:02Well, there is an headless horseman there.
00:22:03You ask him down in the village.
00:22:04Have you seen it?
00:22:05No.
00:22:06Well, what do you want to tell him that you're on about your tea-chopping out for?
00:22:09Well, I had to tell him something,
00:22:10otherwise he'd be gone looking up my birth certificate.
00:22:12What, the doomsday book?
00:22:14Well, we'd better start packing.
00:22:15Packing?
00:22:16Well, we might as well be ready for the boot when it does come.
00:22:18What, are we leaving the dear old home?
00:22:20Yes, we're going to be kicked out into the dear old gutter.
00:22:33That looks for good, does it?
00:22:34Oh, you can't go out like that.
00:22:35No.
00:22:36You know, if only we could do something sensational,
00:22:38get the Daily Express behind us, they wouldn't dare sack us.
00:22:40I'll tell you what.
00:22:41What?
00:22:42Couldn't you arrest someone for speeding?
00:22:43Listen, I'm liable to be arrested for murder.
00:22:44What do you think we've been doing?
00:22:45Look where it's got us.
00:22:46All we've got to do is arrest some famous criminal.
00:22:48What criminals are they?
00:22:49Yeah, Guy Fawkes.
00:22:50Oh, I love it.
00:22:51Guy Fawkes.
00:22:52He's dead.
00:22:53He wasn't a criminal.
00:22:54He invented fireworks.
00:22:55There must have been some crime here sometime or another.
00:22:57Haven't we got any records?
00:22:58We've got the old charge books down in the cellar.
00:22:59Well, let's go and have a look at those.
00:23:00All right.
00:23:01Bring your bullseye with you.
00:23:02Oh, I'll bring it.
00:23:03Here's the bullseye.
00:23:04Right.
00:23:05Can you see?
00:23:06Yeah.
00:23:07Right.
00:23:08I see you're a bit of a muddle down here, aren't you?
00:23:09Yeah, I can tidy it up tomorrow.
00:23:10Tomorrow?
00:23:11Yeah.
00:23:12What's the good of putting off till tomorrow
00:23:13what we can't be here to see?
00:23:14Where are your books?
00:23:15Here they are.
00:23:16Oh, yes.
00:23:17There.
00:23:18All right.
00:23:19Let's try this one, shall we?
00:23:20Yeah.
00:23:21Oh.
00:23:22Oh.
00:23:23Oh.
00:23:24Oh.
00:23:25Oh.
00:23:26Oh.
00:23:27Oh.
00:23:28Oh.
00:23:34Seventeen fifty three.
00:23:35Well, that's going back a bit, isn't it?
00:23:37It is, it is.
00:23:38Ah, here's a crime.
00:23:39Highway robbery.
00:23:40That's no good.
00:23:41That's legal now.
00:23:42Is it?
00:23:43Yes.
00:23:44Daniel Gould, convicted of sheep stealing.
00:23:48What'd he get?
00:23:49Was sentenced to be hurdled, hanged, drawn and quartered.
00:23:52Blimey.
00:23:53Yes.
00:23:54George Carnegie did slay, kill and wilfully murder his wife
00:23:57murdered his wife by throwing her off a cliff.
00:24:00What did they do to him?
00:24:01He was fined four and sixpence.
00:24:03That don't seem right, do it?
00:24:05Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake.
00:24:07Fourteen and sixpence.
00:24:09Yeah, sure, innit?
00:24:11Larceny, piracy, treason, resisting the press gang, whistling in church.
00:24:18I mean, these are no good to us.
00:24:19Have you got some other books somewhere else?
00:24:21You know, something on up-to-date crime?
00:24:23I've got some Sexton Blakes in the shop library.
00:24:25You have?
00:24:26Yes.
00:24:26Well, why don't you say so, instead of wasting our time down here?
00:24:29Come on, let's go and have a look at them.
00:24:31Well, they might give us an idea, if nothing else.
00:24:33Yes, you've got a customer, sir.
00:24:36Hello, good evening.
00:24:37Good evening, Sergeant.
00:24:39Anything wrong?
00:24:40Well, yes, sir, in a way.
00:24:43You see, it's like this.
00:24:44My brother Alfred, he's a lighthouse keeper.
00:24:47And this morning he had to go off on his month's duty in the lighthouse, see?
00:24:52Yes, yes, I see.
00:24:53And he didn't want to go.
00:24:55And why didn't he want to go?
00:24:59Go on, I'll buy it. Why didn't he want to go?
00:25:01Because of our poor old grandmother.
00:25:04She's been ailing for years now, poor soul.
00:25:08And now, she's open at death's door.
00:25:12But as I says to Alf, duty's duty.
00:25:15And the lighthouse must be lit.
00:25:17Oh, yes, of course.
00:25:19Then, suddenly, I gets an idea.
00:25:22How about a signal, I says to Alf?
00:25:24Yes, what did Alf say?
00:25:27Alf says, if you could do that, I'd be easy in my mind.
00:25:31All right, I says.
00:25:32You says.
00:25:33I says, I'll hang up a light where you can see it from the lighthouse.
00:25:37And while that there light's still burning, you'll know our gun is still with us.
00:25:42Yes, that's a good idea.
00:25:44So, I thought maybe you wouldn't mind if I put it up on top of the tower here,
00:25:48so that Alf can see it.
00:25:49This being the highest point hereabouts.
00:25:51Oh, by all means.
00:25:53Why, if anything happened to the old lady, I'd never forgive myself.
00:25:56Up the stairs till you come to the top.
00:25:58Thank you, Sergeant.
00:26:08What's the matter with you?
00:26:10I'm thinking about his poor old grandmother.
00:26:13Out there alone in a lighthouse.
00:26:16Why don't you listen, you old fool?
00:26:17His grandmother's not in the lighthouse.
00:26:19She's hovering around death's door.
00:26:21And he's putting that light up there so his brother will know that his grandmother's light's not been put out.
00:26:29I don't know how I can thank you for this, Sergeant.
00:26:31Oh, that's all right.
00:26:33I mean, anything in the cause of charity.
00:26:35Charity? Here's a box.
00:26:37Oh, there's no need for you to give anything.
00:26:40Half a clump.
00:26:41Yes, we'd have done it for nothing, you know.
00:26:43That's all right.
00:26:45Good night, Sergeant.
00:26:46Good night.
00:26:48I was thinking about his poor old granny.
00:26:52And you only want a sentence?
00:26:54Do I? Well, I imagine you've got it.
00:26:56Listen, we're going to look at your section, Bletch.
00:26:57Don't pinch me.
00:27:01Come on, where's the crime section?
00:27:03Hang on. Here it is.
00:27:04Dauntless Desmond or the Mystery of the Bloodstained Sheet?
00:27:07Oh, that's a hot one, that is.
00:27:09You want to read page 34 where he's alone with her in the oasis.
00:27:11In the what? In the oasis.
00:27:13Oasis? You mean office.
00:27:14No, I don't. I mean oasis.
00:27:16In the oasis. That means he had a date with her.
00:27:19Dauntless Desmond.
00:27:21Should be dirty dick.
00:27:23While you've been playing footy-footy at the pictures, we've reached a crisis.
00:27:25Oh, you'd reached that before I went out.
00:27:27Hey, do you realise, my boy, if we don't find some crime before tomorrow, we're out?
00:27:30Well, you've got a whole shelf full of crime there.
00:27:32There you are, look. Bill the Body Snatcher, Sam the Smuggler Cop...
00:27:35Smuggling.
00:27:36Now, there's your crime.
00:27:38Smuggling?
00:27:38Yeah, all we've got to do is to catch some smugglers.
00:27:40Oh, crime. Now, where do we find the smugglers?
00:27:42Oh, we don't find them.
00:27:43We stage a smuggle.
00:27:45We put a keg of brandy on the beach, then we find it with witnesses.
00:27:47Well, what good does that do us?
00:27:49Oh, then they'll have to keep us here until we find the smugglers.
00:27:51Alison, how can we find smugglers if there aren't any?
00:27:54We haven't got any brandy, either.
00:27:57Well, here, here. I've got some brandy.
00:27:59Oh? What are you doing with brandy?
00:28:00Well, I keep it in case I get two-faced.
00:28:02Two-faced? The only thing you're likely to get is gummy.
00:28:04Well, come on. Don't waste time. Don't get the brandy.
00:28:06Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. Who's in charge here?
00:28:08You were, but you got the bullet.
00:28:09I got nothing of the kind.
00:28:10The bullet may be on the way, but until it actually lands, you'll take orders from me.
00:28:14And I'm having nothing at all to do with it. It's not safe.
00:28:16Well, please yourself.
00:28:17Come on, Jerry. We want to keep our jobs.
00:28:18Hey, hey. Do you mean to tell me you're going to defy me and go through with it?
00:28:21Certainly.
00:28:21Oh? Well, what about me?
00:28:23Well, you can help if you like.
00:28:24Oh, thank you very much. And, er, what do I do?
00:28:26All we do is we put the keg of brandy on the beach, then go for a witness.
00:28:29Eh? Who puts the keg of brandy on the beach?
00:28:30You and Harbottle.
00:28:31I see. I suppose you go and get the witness.
00:28:33Yeah, it's all right, isn't it?
00:28:34No, it isn't all right.
00:28:35You put the brandy on the beach, and I'll go and get the witness.
00:28:45There's a storm coming up, I can tell you.
00:28:46You're telling me.
00:28:48All right.
00:28:51Put it down there.
00:28:59Ah, what's your name and address?
00:29:01Seth Monroe, Six Fishermen's Cottages.
00:29:04All right. Well, you'll be hearing from us officially.
00:29:06Thank you very much. Good night.
00:29:07Good night.
00:29:11Desert!
00:29:12I know, I know. There's a storm coming up.
00:29:22Hello, hello.
00:29:23Oh, give me a door, Mr. Double Six, Double Six.
00:29:25I want the Chief Constable.
00:29:26This is very urgent.
00:29:28Hello?
00:29:29Hello? Come on.
00:29:31Look, I know I'm in a hurry. This is very important.
00:29:33I don't get the Chief Constable easy in bed.
00:29:35You get him out of bed. I want to talk to him at once.
00:29:38Hey, hey, what are you two trying to do? Spoil everything?
00:29:40Onesie, no? One what?
00:29:41One kick-a-bandy.
00:29:42What are you talking about?
00:29:44Chief Constable?
00:29:45All right, hang on.
00:29:46What are you ringing the Chief Constable up for?
00:29:47Tell him about the kick-a-bandy on the beach.
00:29:49We haven't taken it down yet. That's what I'm...
00:29:51What? We haven't taken it down yet?
00:29:53Yeah, when we filled it, we couldn't lift it, so we've been emptying it.
00:29:55That's right.
00:29:56What are you blithering idiots babbling about?
00:29:58I've just brought the kick-a-bandy to the beach as we arranged.
00:30:00But you couldn't have done.
00:30:01Well, there it is.
00:30:03Blimey, another one.
00:30:04That's an itch.
00:30:05What, do you mean to tell me that...
00:30:07Hello? Hello?
00:30:08It's the Chief Constable.
00:30:09Now what am I going to tell him?
00:30:10Well, you rang him up, you think, or something.
00:30:13Oh, um...
00:30:14Is that, uh...
00:30:15Is that Turnbottom East LRP Department?
00:30:17What?
00:30:18Oh, it isn't.
00:30:19Oh, wrong number.
00:30:20Oh, I said that.
00:30:21Oh.
00:30:22Beach run.
00:30:23Good stuff, too.
00:30:24Yeah, well, you leave that alone.
00:30:25It doesn't belong to you.
00:30:26Well, who does it belong to?
00:30:27Oh, that's what we're going to try and find out.
00:30:29Are you sure you didn't put that one on the beach?
00:30:30Yeah.
00:30:31We've only got one kick, and there it is.
00:30:35Well, where'd the other one come from, then?
00:30:36It's been washed out by the sea.
00:30:38Oh, what does it matter what it was washed up by?
00:30:40Did it do justice?
00:30:41Well, does it affect our story?
00:30:42If it don't belong to anybody, let's drink it.
00:30:44And what will that get us?
00:30:45A good booze-up.
00:30:46Yeah, a good booze-up.
00:30:47All our plans mucked up.
00:30:49We cast our bread upon the waters, and back comes a keg of rum that we don't want.
00:30:53Get three glasses.
00:30:54Yes.
00:30:56Oh, it's gone!
00:31:01What was that?
00:31:02Perhaps it was the wind.
00:31:04Well, that wasn't the wind, anyway.
00:31:05No.
00:31:06There's someone at the door.
00:31:07Help!
00:31:10Well, go on, let her in.
00:31:11You do it.
00:31:12You're in charge.
00:31:13Harvard, open that door.
00:31:14Not me.
00:31:15Early closing.
00:31:16Shopping.
00:31:17Hey, you can't be shopping in an emergency like this.
00:31:20It's stopped.
00:31:21Perhaps she's gone home.
00:31:22Don't be ridiculous.
00:31:23She wouldn't just up and down like that and then go home.
00:31:25Maybe she's come to the wrong house.
00:31:26Well, open the door and have a look.
00:31:28Hey, why are we...
00:31:29I...
00:31:30I...
00:31:31Hey, why are we...
00:31:32I...
00:31:33Go on.
00:31:34Go on.
00:31:43Oh!
00:31:44Oh, dear!
00:31:45Help!
00:31:46Help!
00:31:47Help!
00:31:48Police!
00:31:49Police!
00:31:50Shut up, you old idiot!
00:31:51We are the police.
00:31:52Blimey!
00:31:53It's Emily.
00:31:54I better feel her heart.
00:31:55Here, knock it.
00:31:56She's my bird.
00:31:57Jerry, fetch me some water.
00:31:58Well, she's not afraid, is she?
00:32:00She's coming round.
00:32:03Oh, Albert!
00:32:04Albert!
00:32:05I feel it!
00:32:06I feel it!
00:32:07Hey, where have you been showing this poor girl?
00:32:09I don't know what she's talking about.
00:32:10She was all right when she left me.
00:32:12Here she comes again.
00:32:14I was horrible.
00:32:15It's all right.
00:32:16It's all right.
00:32:17Come on.
00:32:18Get the chair.
00:32:19Get the chair.
00:32:20That's all right now.
00:32:21You're in good hands now.
00:32:22Come on.
00:32:23That's right.
00:32:24Sit down.
00:32:25There.
00:32:26That's right.
00:32:27Now, would you care to make a statement?
00:32:28I was in the police car.
00:32:29I see.
00:32:30Been to pictures with Constable Brown in bus.
00:32:34Then I went home.
00:32:36And all of a sudden, I remembered a letter I had to post.
00:32:38So I got on my bicycle to go to the pillar box.
00:32:40And just as I got to the five crossways...
00:32:43Were you assaulted?
00:32:44No.
00:32:45What a pity.
00:32:46We could have taken the steps.
00:32:48Well, I just got to the five crossways when all of a sudden,
00:32:51galloping towards me, there was a nurse with no head.
00:32:54A what?
00:32:55The driver had no head.
00:32:56There was a nurse with a headless horseman.
00:32:59There, there.
00:33:00Come here.
00:33:01She been going out with you two?
00:33:02No, no.
00:33:03How did she got the same story that you got?
00:33:05I don't know.
00:33:06It's true, I tell you.
00:33:07I saw it.
00:33:08Poor kid.
00:33:09Feeling better?
00:33:10Yes, I'm okay now.
00:33:11I'd better get the police car out and take her home.
00:33:12Well, leave us here by ourselves.
00:33:13Not likely.
00:33:14We'll all take her home.
00:33:15Frightened?
00:33:16Certainly not.
00:33:17I'm sick of the young lady's reputation.
00:33:19Come on, my dear.
00:33:26Hello, me.
00:33:27Okey-doke, Sergeant.
00:33:28Thanks for the buggy ride.
00:33:29Good night.
00:33:30Good night.
00:33:31Good night, Toots.
00:33:32Good night, honey.
00:33:33Good night.
00:33:34Good night.
00:33:35Good night.
00:33:36Come on, Toots.
00:33:37Turn around and step on it.
00:33:38Wait a minute.
00:33:39The water rally's not here.
00:33:40What?
00:33:41I told you.
00:33:42Good night, honey.
00:33:43Good night.
00:33:45It must be about 1 o'clock.
00:33:46I haven't been out so late since my father got married.
00:33:47Eh?
00:33:48Yes, his fourth wife.
00:33:49Oh, I see.
00:33:50Here, hope we don't meet that phantom hearse.
00:33:51That's a lot of poppycock.
00:33:52Who ever heard of a headless driver?
00:33:53I don't know what I'm talking about.
00:33:54I have heard of him.
00:33:55I've heard of the headless driver.
00:33:56But I've never met a headless driver.
00:33:57You know, I've never met a headless driver.
00:33:58I suppose I don't know him.
00:33:59I suppose I don't know him.
00:34:00Well, I suppose I know him.
00:34:01Well, I suppose I know him.
00:34:02I suppose I know him.
00:34:03And you know him.
00:34:04Well, I suppose I know him.
00:34:05I suppose I know him.
00:34:06Oh, I see.
00:34:07Here. I hope we don't meet that phantom hearse.
00:34:10Ah, that's a lot of poppycock.
00:34:12Whoever heard of a headless driver?
00:34:14Wouldn't be able to pass his tests.
00:34:15Still, Emily, must mean something that scared her.
00:34:17Ah, maybe she saw her bottle through the window.
00:34:19You can't believe all an hysterical girl can.
00:34:24What's the matter? What did you pull up for?
00:34:30It's the phantom hearse.
00:34:31Phantom hearse. It's a horse and cow with its tail out on fire.
00:34:35It's the phantom hearse, I tell you. Those are the phantom flames.
00:34:38Look at the driver's head.
00:34:39What's the matter with this kid?
00:34:40He ain't got one.
00:34:41Don't talk to this child. Better let him go to Tucked In.
00:34:43What are you worried about? It's not coming this way.
00:34:45That's just what it is doing.
00:34:46No.
00:34:50Hey, hey, put your light out.
00:34:51Give me on the glass bird. Let it go by.
00:34:53I'm not letting the glass bird.
00:34:56Oh, it's coming down fast.
00:34:57No, I'm not letting the hearse go to me.
00:34:59Put it in reverse.
00:35:05Open the van again. Swing it quick. Come on.
00:35:10Oh, just made it.
00:35:11I sure thought you should have kept your eyes on the road instead of talking so much.
00:35:15Well, anyway, we needn't go any further.
00:35:17We'll give the flaming hearse a slip.
00:35:35Hey, listen. Listen.
00:35:37What's the matter?
00:35:38Oops.
00:35:39Oops?
00:35:40Blimey, it's followed us in here.
00:35:52See where it went?
00:35:53No. Where did it go?
00:35:54Well, it went in the garage. If you'd kept your eyes open, you'd see where it went.
00:35:57It's no more a ghost than he is.
00:35:58Shall we say it's just gone through the doors?
00:36:00Well, how do I know?
00:36:01Perhaps they're ghost doors.
00:36:03Ghost doors. I'll show you where they're ghost or not.
00:36:05Come on, Oxygen. Come on.
00:36:19Come on. Open up in the name of the law.
00:36:22Come on. It'll be all the worse for you if you don't.
00:36:24Hey.
00:36:25What was that?
00:36:26I don't know.
00:36:27It'll be all the worse for you if you don't.
00:36:29Hey.
00:36:30Well, what are you standing there for? What don't they be afraid of?
00:36:32Look, I'll tell you what we'll do.
00:36:33You pull on the one door, and I'll pull on the...
00:36:35Ow!
00:36:36Ow! Ow!
00:36:37Where is it?
00:36:38Ow!
00:36:39Where is it?
00:36:43Well, it's funny. Where's it gone to?
00:36:45Well, it's gone right through and out the other side.
00:36:48Gone through the other side. Don't be ridiculous.
00:36:51Why, this is a solid wall.
00:36:53Hey, do you know where we are?
00:36:54No.
00:36:55This is the Squire's garage.
00:36:56Let's lock him up and tell him.
00:36:58Tell him what?
00:36:59Where we leave the garage.
00:37:00That's a bright idea, isn't it?
00:37:01Well, let's examine these walls properly.
00:37:14I want to tell you something.
00:37:15What's the matter?
00:37:16I want to tell you something.
00:37:17Yes?
00:37:18There's only three of us, and there's four shadows on the wall.
00:37:20Oh, yes.
00:37:22One, two, three...
00:37:24Oh! You're right, Jimmy.
00:37:26You're right. There's one over.
00:37:28I'll tell you something else.
00:37:29What?
00:37:30The old man hasn't got to eat!
00:37:32Ow!
00:37:35Oh!
00:37:36Ow!
00:37:37Ow!
00:37:38Oh!
00:37:39Oh!
00:37:54Mr. Believing has received the ABS in a few moments.
00:37:58Oh, don't be silly. It's a load of nonsense.
00:38:00I expect there's a scientific explanation for the door.
00:38:02Answer that phone!
00:38:03Not me. It might be the headless horseman.
00:38:05Well, if he hasn't got a head, how could he be talking to a phone?
00:38:07Albert, you answer it.
00:38:10Hello.
00:38:12It's the Chief Constable.
00:38:14Good heavens.
00:38:15Hello?
00:38:17It's the Chief Constable.
00:38:19Good heavens.
00:38:27Good evening, sir. I've been trying to get you for half an hour.
00:38:30Where have you been?
00:38:32Well, as a matter of fact, we've been out on a job.
00:38:34What sort of a job?
00:38:36Tell him about the headless horseman.
00:38:38You think I should? Of course, we've all seen it.
00:38:40You remember that story that Constable Harbottle told you
00:38:43about the ghost that made his teeth sop out?
00:38:47Yes.
00:38:49Yes.
00:38:51Yes.
00:38:53It's all your fault, that is.
00:38:55Yes, I'm listening, Chief. I'm listening.
00:38:57Then stop giving me all this preposterous bilge about ghosts.
00:39:00Do you realise there's smuggling going on in your district?
00:39:02Smuggling? Oh, yes, we know all about that.
00:39:05Our witness must have been talking.
00:39:07Oh, we've got all the evidence. A whole keg full.
00:39:09Keg full? We've just been informed that a whole boatloads have been smuggled in.
00:39:12Boatloads?
00:39:14Well, there must be real smugglers then. I mean others.
00:39:16Now listen.
00:39:18One of His Majesty's revenue cutters in Mid Channel
00:39:20has observed a light in the neighbourhood of Turn Bottom Round.
00:39:23Yes.
00:39:25They believe this light's being used as a steering light for smugglers.
00:39:27Oh. Oh, dear.
00:39:29Albert, take this down.
00:39:31From the east side of Drake Street
00:39:33to a point due north
00:39:35from Shoe Hill off Turn Bottom Round
00:39:38by north-east, west by north.
00:39:41Aye, aye, chap. Have you got all that?
00:39:43How do you spell aye, aye?
00:39:45Listen, Albert, you get the ordnance man. This is our big chance.
00:39:47If only we can stop that light and make an arrest, then he can't sack us.
00:39:49You get the compass.
00:39:51There's no telling where this will lead to. It might get us a promotion.
00:39:53Here's a compass. It's ten minutes fast.
00:39:55Well, that's all right. It doesn't matter.
00:39:57What do you mean it's ten minutes fast?
00:39:59How do we find where we are with a thing like that?
00:40:01It's easy. You point the north to the north-west and the north-east gives you south.
00:40:03Yeah, that's all right. But suppose we want to go north?
00:40:05Give me those bearings. I'll find it.
00:40:07All right. Go on, then.
00:40:09That's the channel.
00:40:11There's the north lock, isn't it there?
00:40:13Yeah, there's the lock. Now, if we bring a line from there...
00:40:15Evening, Hulk.
00:40:17Oh, evening.
00:40:19Can I take my lamp down now, Sergeant?
00:40:21Down? Why, is Joe's grandmother...
00:40:23Here.
00:40:25Oh.
00:40:27She's much better now.
00:40:29Well, I'm glad about that anyway.
00:40:31Well, you can find your own way up, can't you? We're very busy just now.
00:40:33Right, I'll get them, Sergeant.
00:40:35Who's that?
00:40:37I've never seen him around here before. What's he want?
00:40:39Well, when you were out courting, he came out here and told us that...
00:40:41Oh, you mind your own business.
00:40:43Go on, get on with your bearings.
00:40:45Have you found that light yet?
00:40:47Well, give us a chance. I've only just found Drake's Seat.
00:40:49Oh, here we are.
00:40:51Uh, north by Point East. That brings us here.
00:40:53Uh, north-east by Shoe Rock.
00:40:55That brings us here.
00:40:57Yes, well, what does it say where the lines intersect?
00:40:59Hmm. It says the police station.
00:41:01Police station?
00:41:03Ha! Well, that's ridiculous, isn't it?
00:41:05I mean, there's no lamp hanging...
00:41:09Oh, there.
00:41:11Didn't that bloke say something about fetching down a lamp?
00:41:13That's right.
00:41:15Yes. Ah, but still, that's something at all to do with it.
00:41:17That's for the fellow on the lighthouse.
00:41:19His grandmother's ill, you see, and as long as he can see that light,
00:41:21then he knows his grandmother hasn't started to burn.
00:41:23I mean, his grandmother hasn't put a light...
00:41:25Well, it's a signal for his grandmother, anyway.
00:41:27Well, it sounds fishy to me, though, isn't it?
00:41:29Don't you start!
00:41:31Whose grandmother is she?
00:41:33I mean, who's the girl on the lighthouse?
00:41:35I want to tell you something.
00:41:37You won't tell us anything. Listen, it's easy enough to check up.
00:41:39All we're going to do is to find out whether his brother Joe really keeps a lighthouse.
00:41:41I won't tell you what I was going to tell you, Nancy.
00:41:43Oh, all right, peevish. Come on, what is it?
00:41:45I've lived here 60 years and I've never seen a lighthouse.
00:41:47No, neither have I.
00:41:49You haven't? Well, why didn't you tell me that when we let him put the light up
00:41:51instead of crying your eyes out?
00:41:53I was sorry for his poor old granny.
00:41:55Sorry for his granny? If he hasn't got a lighthouse, how can he have a granny?
00:41:57Well, I've got a granny, but I've never had a lighthouse.
00:41:59Oh!
00:42:01What shall we do?
00:42:03It's all right, leave it to me. I'll deal with him.
00:42:09Good night, all.
00:42:11Good night.
00:42:13Here, I thought you were going to deal with him.
00:42:15What do you expect me to do, arrest him?
00:42:17Of course.
00:42:19Well, let everybody know that the light was on top of our police station.
00:42:21That's a bright idea.
00:42:23Well, what are we going to do?
00:42:25Well, now we know how it's worked, we can plant the light on someone else.
00:42:27Bring that line down here, you see,
00:42:29so that it puts the light on top of the pub.
00:42:33Oh!
00:42:35It's a pebble.
00:42:37I wonder what they want to wrap it up for.
00:42:39Give me that. Maybe a message on it.
00:42:41Well, I like that.
00:42:43Fred Jackson Draper, turn bottom round.
00:42:45Let me Jackson advertising again.
00:42:47Well, that window's going to cost him one of sixpence anyway.
00:42:49Yeah, wait a minute.
00:42:51There's something on the other side.
00:42:53Huh?
00:42:55It's a message that don't concern you.
00:42:57Dead men tell no tales.
00:42:59You have been warned.
00:43:01What's that?
00:43:03Dead men tell...
00:43:05Huh? Well, what does that mean?
00:43:07It couldn't be much plainer, could it?
00:43:09Well, that's nonsense. They can't take notes. We're the police.
00:43:11Besides, what could they do?
00:43:13Supposing that pebble had been a bomb, eh?
00:43:15Don't talk nonsense.
00:43:17This is England. They don't throw bombs here.
00:43:19Shh!
00:43:21What is it?
00:43:23No.
00:43:25Again.
00:43:27It's the clock. What's the matter with you?
00:43:29Well, it can't be the clock. It's got no works.
00:43:31Well, what is it?
00:43:33Bombs.
00:43:37I can only hear it faintly now.
00:43:39It sounds really near to me.
00:43:41Oh, I think it's in here.
00:43:43I can hear it now.
00:43:45It's somewhere about here.
00:43:47It's on you.
00:43:49I can't hear it.
00:43:52Help!
00:43:54What are you hiding for?
00:43:56You can't do nothing.
00:43:58What for?
00:44:00Do as you're told.
00:44:02I know what to do with bombs.
00:44:04Here you go.
00:44:13There you are.
00:44:15That was a gallant deed, and you saw me do it.
00:44:17There.
00:44:22Hey, watches.
00:44:24Where did you get these?
00:44:26Oh, I picked that parcel up in the garage.
00:44:28Ah, Swiss watches.
00:44:30I say, there'd be a duty on these.
00:44:32Supposedly, they were smuggled as well.
00:44:34What, you mean the hearse isn't a ghost after all?
00:44:36I'll tell you something else.
00:44:38Don't you start. I'm going to find out where that hearse has gone.
00:44:40There's far too much disappearing around here.
00:44:42First the keg, then the hearse.
00:44:44If they only want him to disappear, we'd all be happy.
00:44:46Yes, but I wonder...
00:44:48Ah, shut up.
00:44:50Mind I'll keep me secret to meself.
00:44:52I don't suppose we've missed anything.
00:44:54It's about the hearse.
00:44:56Legend says it has something to do with smuggling.
00:44:58Eh? What's that?
00:45:00Tells you how it was done and where they came from.
00:45:02Well, what is the legend?
00:45:03It won't tell you.
00:45:04Oh, come on. Copy it up.
00:45:06It's in rhyme.
00:45:08All right.
00:45:10When the tide runs low in the devil's cove
00:45:12And the headless horseman is seen above
00:45:14He drives along with his wild aloe
00:45:16Lickety-spit, lickety-spit
00:45:18Lickety-spit, lickety-spit
00:45:20Yeah, I put that bit in because I forgot the last line.
00:45:22Well, try and remember it.
00:45:24Very likely it contains the clue to the whole thing.
00:45:26It's no good. That's why I put the spit in.
00:45:28Here. Would it be...
00:45:30As he drives along with the wild aloe
00:45:32And into the garage the whole lot go.
00:45:34Into the garage.
00:45:36You might as well say they got in the garage
00:45:38Because they couldn't stop flippity-flop, flippity-flop.
00:45:40No, that's not it.
00:45:42Listen, does anybody know this last line?
00:45:44Yes, there's one man. Who?
00:45:46My father. Your father? Yes.
00:45:48Hey, he's not the fellow that drives the hearse, is he?
00:45:50No. Well, how good would your father be to us anyway?
00:45:52Well, we can get in communication with him.
00:45:54What do you mean, by wrapping on a table?
00:45:56No, wrapping on his door.
00:45:58You don't mean to tell me you've got a father living?
00:46:00Yes. Well, what do they hold the old fellow together with?
00:46:02Wire? Where is this ancient...
00:46:04Up along Turn Bottom West.
00:46:06Come on, we're going to meet Adam.
00:46:16Who is it?
00:46:18Only me, Daddy.
00:46:20Well, don't stand over there.
00:46:22Come over here, where I can see you.
00:46:32Ah, it's you, is it?
00:46:34What are you doing here?
00:46:36School broken up?
00:46:38Here, who are you?
00:46:40I'm Sergeant Dudford of the local police.
00:46:42Oh, copper, eh?
00:46:44Well, what's the young rascal been up to this time?
00:46:46Breaking windows again?
00:46:48Breaking windows? What, at his age?
00:46:50Takes him all his time to break the bread to put in his milk.
00:46:52Well, what do you want to wake me up in this time of the night for?
00:46:54Eh?
00:46:56Well, it's like this, Dad.
00:46:58Oh, you shut up. I'll tell him.
00:47:00You see, it's like this, Dad. We want your advice.
00:47:02Yes, we want to know the last line of an old rhyme.
00:47:04Oh, I know lots of old rhymes.
00:47:08Yes, I'll bet you do.
00:47:10But it's not one of those. Now, listen.
00:47:12When the tide runs low in the smuggler's cove
00:47:14And the headless horseman's seen above
00:47:16As he drives along with a wild hello
00:47:18Something, something, something, oh
00:47:20Now, do you remember it?
00:47:22Yes, I remember it.
00:47:24When the tide runs low in the smuggler's cove
00:47:26And the headless horseman's seen above
00:47:28He drives along with his wild hello
00:47:32Yes?
00:47:34What's the last line?
00:47:36Why, you silly old...
00:47:38You old gentleman, that's what we come to you for.
00:47:40Oh, come on, Daddy. Try and think.
00:47:42Don't tell me. Don't tell me.
00:47:44I've got it on the tip of my tongue.
00:47:46Well, all right. Stick your tongue out.
00:47:48Let's have a look at it.
00:47:50Something, something, something, oh
00:47:52He drives along with his wild hello
00:47:54We've had all that.
00:47:56What we want is the something, something, something, oh.
00:47:58Oh.
00:48:00Listen. Take your mind back.
00:48:02Forget all about what happened lately.
00:48:04Don't worry about balaclava.
00:48:06As he drives along with a wild hello
00:48:08I've got it. I've got it. I've got it.
00:48:10Now.
00:48:12As the tide runs low in the smuggler's cove
00:48:14And the headless horseman is seen above
00:48:16He drives along with his wild hello
00:48:18That's the time when the smugglers
00:48:20Go out in their little boats to the schooner
00:48:22And bring back the kegs of brandy and rum
00:48:24And put them in the devil's cave below
00:48:26See?
00:48:28See what?
00:48:30That's the last line.
00:48:32That doesn't even rhyme.
00:48:34Oh, yes, it does.
00:48:36Now listen.
00:48:38As he drives along with his wild hello
00:48:40That's the time when the smugglers
00:48:42Go out in their little boats to the schooner
00:48:44And bring back the kegs of brandy and rum
00:48:46And put them in the devil's cave below
00:48:48See?
00:48:50Is that the line you couldn't remember?
00:48:52That's right.
00:48:54Blimey, I'm not surprised.
00:48:56Yes, it's made me feel quite hoarse.
00:48:58I think I'll have a go. Have one?
00:49:00Yes, made me hoarse listening to you.
00:49:02I'll have a black Collins.
00:49:04Would you like them?
00:49:06No, I must put them back.
00:49:08Devil's cave below?
00:49:10Below what?
00:49:12Below the cliff.
00:49:14Cave below the cliff? I've never seen any cave.
00:49:16Ah, that high water it's covered up.
00:49:18You never look when the tide's out.
00:49:20I've been there hundreds of times.
00:49:22Oh, what for?
00:49:24Smuggling.
00:49:26What? Well, you come off a nice family, don't you?
00:49:28Well, come on, the tide's low now.
00:49:30If we hurry, we might catch the smugglers red-handed.
00:49:32They'll never find the channel.
00:49:34Oh, why not?
00:49:36Because the light they used to steer by doesn't hang there anymore.
00:49:38Ah, that's what you think.
00:49:40Well, kiss your daddy goodnight and we'll go.
00:49:42Here, don't go anywhere. Stop and have a cup of tea.
00:49:44Ma? Ma?
00:49:46Hey, you don't mean to tell me you've got a mother?
00:49:48Has he?
00:49:50No, that's his wife. He married again in 96.
00:49:52Oh, I see. Calf love, eh?
00:49:54Yes, well, go on, we haven't any time for tea.
00:49:56Aren't you going to see the old lady?
00:49:58Not likely. I'll stand for Adam, but I'm bloody well stand for Eve.
00:50:00Goodnight, Daddy.
00:50:04Come on.
00:50:06Hurry up. Get them in.
00:50:08The tide will be in in half an hour.
00:50:10Come on.
00:50:28Well, here's the cove, but where's the cave?
00:50:30Oh, there it is.
00:50:36Look.
00:50:38Ah, well, I wonder why we've never seen this place before.
00:50:40First time I've been this far.
00:50:42Well, that's a nice admission to make. This is part of your beat.
00:50:46Oops.
00:50:50Go on, get your boots off.
00:50:52What, go paddling in November?
00:50:54Oh, not me.
00:50:56Hey, do you realise this is your superior officer talking?
00:50:58Yeah, talking a lot of bilge.
00:51:00Well, listen, you can go in with your boots on or your boots off, but you're going in anyway.
00:51:02Heartless. That's what you are.
00:51:04We'll catch our breath of cold. Foolhardy.
00:51:06Hey, look here.
00:51:08What's this?
00:51:12It's rum.
00:51:14Here's two.
00:51:16Thought there was some more over there.
00:51:18We're on the right track.
00:51:20Yes, well, get that out of the water and put it up there.
00:51:22That's another little bit of evidence for you.
00:51:26Hey, I thought you said there was no lighthouse about here.
00:51:28That's not a lighthouse. It's a revenue cutter.
00:51:30Are you sure they're policemen?
00:51:32Well, they've got police uniforms on and they're running a cargo all right.
00:51:34If that isn't a keg of liquor they're carrying, I'll eat my hat.
00:51:36Wait a minute. Give me those glasses.
00:51:40Oh, what do they want?
00:51:42Probably looking for the smugglers.
00:51:44Oh, are they? Interfering, I see.
00:51:46Well, they are smugglers, but we're going to get them first.
00:51:48Oh, follow me.
00:51:58Hey, do you realise the police station's on the highest point around here?
00:52:00I'll bet that's where that light was.
00:52:02Tell Jones the radio dorm is to police immediately.
00:52:04Right.
00:52:06Johnson!
00:52:08Lower the starboard boat.
00:52:10Don't you think we'd better turn back now?
00:52:12It's getting a bit deep here, you know.
00:52:14Deep? What do you mean, deep?
00:52:16Your feet are still touching the bottom, aren't they?
00:52:18It's all right for you. You're taller than me.
00:52:20Well, hang on to Albert's maces. Stop moaning.
00:52:22You'd better keep your chins up here. It dips a bit.
00:52:26A bit cold.
00:52:32Well, our bottle's stopped moaning.
00:52:34How is he?
00:52:36Oh, he's all right. He's hanging on to my waist.
00:52:38Oh, good. That's it.
00:52:40Hey, he's underwater! Get him up out of there!
00:52:42Hey, what are you doing down there, you chump?
00:52:44Oh!
00:52:46Oh, that's probably about five gallons of water.
00:52:48Oh, it's a pity you didn't swallow some more. You'd have made it shallower.
00:52:50Well, climb on his shoulder, of course.
00:52:52Shoulder?
00:52:54Yes, that's right.
00:52:56Don't push me under.
00:52:58Up you go.
00:53:00You see?
00:53:02Carry this map. That'll give you something to do.
00:53:04All right.
00:53:06Now, follow me.
00:53:08It's patrol boat D6. They're reporting smuggling in Devil's Cave.
00:53:10Why don't they get in touch with the local police station?
00:53:12Sounds incredible, sir.
00:53:14They think the local police are working in with the smugglers.
00:53:16What?
00:53:18That's ridiculous.
00:53:20Where is Devil's Cave?
00:53:22Lower town, bottom round, sir.
00:53:24Turn bottom round? Why, that's... I might have known.
00:53:26Call out the squad car. Tell them to have some men down there right away.
00:53:30Oh, come on. Out we go.
00:53:32How can I hurry up with the old man and the sea on me back?
00:53:34Here, here, let's go up.
00:53:36We'll have to swim for it.
00:53:38No, you won't have to swim for it. It won't get any deeper than this.
00:53:40Oh, no.
00:53:42Here you are.
00:53:44Told you you'd have to swim.
00:53:46I didn't swim, I sunk.
00:53:48Oh, look, the landing stage.
00:53:50Oh, yes. They've been doing a bit of landing there too, haven't they?
00:53:52Oh, yes.
00:53:56Oh, look, there's a tunnel here.
00:53:58Now we shall find out where they are.
00:54:00Well, there's another tunnel there.
00:54:02I thought it went either way.
00:54:04I wonder what's in all these.
00:54:10Oh, brandy.
00:54:12Gin.
00:54:14Oh, look, there's a lot more.
00:54:16Perhaps somebody's going to open a pub down here.
00:54:18And who are they going to sell the stuff to, mermaids?
00:54:20Well, look, there's a tunnel here and there's a tunnel there.
00:54:22We'd better toss up and see which one we'll take.
00:54:24Hedge, we go this way.
00:54:26Come on, give me a penny. I haven't got one.
00:54:28In the money box.
00:54:30Well, we can't toss up with it.
00:54:32Hey. Cigarette end.
00:54:34Still burning too.
00:54:36Oh, turkeys.
00:54:38Hey, hey, don't smoke it. That's a clue.
00:54:40Well, this proves they've gone this way, doesn't it?
00:54:42All right, come on off.
00:54:52Come on, put some beef in it.
00:54:56Oh.
00:54:58Well, we're getting somewhere anyway.
00:55:00I thought those steps would never end.
00:55:02Oh, I see.
00:55:04Hey, look at all these barrels here.
00:55:06It looks as if we struck a beer mine.
00:55:08Have you ever heard of a beer mine?
00:55:10I don't know. You say mine's a beer.
00:55:12Yours will be a thick ear if you don't shut up.
00:55:14Here, there's a box of candles.
00:55:16Well, that's a funny thing to smuggle.
00:55:18There's no duty on candles.
00:55:20Perhaps they come from abroad. They may be Roman candles.
00:55:22I wonder what's in that crate.
00:55:24How do you know?
00:55:26Why, because mine comes in a case like this.
00:55:28I'd better look at the soaps on your camouflage.
00:55:30No, it isn't. It's Castile.
00:55:32Oh, look, there's a label on the side.
00:55:34Hey, it's got your name on it.
00:55:36Has it?
00:55:38What's it doing down here?
00:55:40That's what I'd like to know.
00:55:42Oh, look.
00:55:44Here, this is the box I keep my tapioca in.
00:55:46Somebody must have raided our cellar.
00:55:48Yeah, it looks like it, doesn't it?
00:55:50What? Raided our cellar?
00:55:52We're in our cellar.
00:55:54Oh, so we are.
00:55:56Oh, there's impudence. I like that.
00:55:58Storing the stuff in our own cellar.
00:56:00Well, they're not going to get away with that. I'll show them.
00:56:02No, that's not it.
00:56:04We'll hush it up, fill the stuff and teach them a lesson.
00:56:06Get ten years.
00:56:08No fear. We're going to phone the chief constable.
00:56:22Hello? Hello?
00:56:24Get me Dorvish to double six, double six. Chief constable.
00:56:26Yes, this is urgent.
00:56:28Let's see what evidence we've got.
00:56:30We've got all that stuff in the cellar, these three watches.
00:56:32And the Turkish spaghet.
00:56:34Oh, the Turkish spaghet. Yes, I forgot that.
00:56:36Not many people around here smoke that kind of cigarette.
00:56:38This ought to be easy to trace.
00:56:40Cigarette?
00:56:42Oh, the squire.
00:56:44You gave me quite a shock.
00:56:46Oh, I say, that's funny. You smoke the same kind of cigarettes as our clue does.
00:56:48So it seems.
00:56:50Do you think you'd be able to help us?
00:56:52You think I might?
00:56:54Yes, I say, this is going to come as a shock to you,
00:56:56but there's smuggling going on around here.
00:56:58I know.
00:57:00What, you mean you know who it is?
00:57:02Yes, it's me.
00:57:04You? You're joking.
00:57:06No, no, I'm not.
00:57:08And I'd advise you once again to keep your nose out of it.
00:57:10It'll be healthier for you.
00:57:12Healthier?
00:57:14Oh, you mean that all this is...
00:57:16Oh, dear.
00:57:18If that's the chief constable, I wouldn't answer if I were you.
00:57:20Don't forget that the contraband is stored in your own cellar,
00:57:22and that the light was hung on top of your own police station.
00:57:24Oh.
00:57:26I see his point.
00:57:28Yes, well, I don't.
00:57:30It's against the law, and I put my hands to the plow and...
00:57:32And what?
00:57:34Oh, well, I'll take them off again.
00:57:36Here, that's our evidence.
00:57:38Shut up.
00:57:40Hello.
00:57:42Chief, the lorry's waiting at the five o'clock office.
00:57:44Right, then go and tell them we'll start loading in one.
00:57:48Come on, come with me.
00:57:50Get your hands up now.
00:57:52Clever boys.
00:57:54Let me make it work for you.
00:57:56See how it goes, boys.
00:58:00Hey.
00:58:02I say, what's the idea of this?
00:58:04All right, get a move on.
00:58:06Well, goodbye, Dadford.
00:58:08I don't suppose we'll see each other for some time.
00:58:10Get in.
00:58:12Come on, hurry up.
00:58:14I'll get through with this.
00:58:16You can't get away with this.
00:58:18I'll get you ten years each of you.
00:58:20I know you all by sight, and you by my word.
00:58:22You won't be long before I'm looking at you all through bars.
00:58:24Yes.
00:58:26Hurry up, boys.
00:58:28Chief! Chief!
00:58:30Yes, what is it, Harry?
00:58:32The rebel you men are on to us. They're ready for the cave.
00:58:34Quick, boys, take all you can. We'll have to leave the rest.
00:58:46Oh, boys.
00:58:48Stop it.
00:58:50What do you want them to take the key for?
00:58:52I couldn't help it. They were kneeling on me stomach.
00:58:54Do you realise what this means?
00:58:56We've got to go about all the time now, fast together.
00:59:02Look at that lot.
00:59:04They can't be far away.
00:59:06Stick them in the second boat, Farby.
00:59:16Have you any idea if I can get out of this place?
00:59:18Yes, take the bar out.
00:59:20Oh, I see. Would you like me to just bite through one or something?
00:59:22No, the one that's loose.
00:59:24You know, the one we used as a poker.
00:59:26Well, which is it?
00:59:28Here.
00:59:30Oh, there you are.
00:59:32Oh, that's fine.
00:59:34Oh, that's fine.
00:59:36Oh, that's fine.
00:59:38Oh, that's fine.
00:59:40Oh, that's fine.
00:59:42Oh, that's fine.
00:59:44Oh, that's fine.
00:59:50I've got to go first.
00:59:52All right, all right, go on.
00:59:54Wait, wait, wait, wait for me, wait for me.
00:59:56Come on.
00:59:58Oh.
01:00:00Oh.
01:00:02Oh, gosh.
01:00:04Now we're going after them, the five oaks coppers, come on.
01:00:10Come on, clank it up.
01:00:12Come on.
01:00:16Oh.
01:00:18Well, cooperate, can't you?
01:00:20How can I swing it unless you swing it too?
01:00:22All right, go on, go on, go on.
01:00:24That's it.
01:00:26What, you won't start unless you choke her?
01:00:28How can we choke her when we're all here?
01:00:30We'll have one can.
01:00:32All right, I will.
01:00:38Hey, hey.
01:00:40What are you trying to do, choke me?
01:00:42I don't go to sleep there, get in the car.
01:00:44Go on.
01:00:50Move over.
01:00:52Wait for me, wait for me.
01:00:54We're not going to go.
01:00:56Come on, get up further.
01:01:08Can't you run any faster? You're nearly pulling my arm off.
01:01:10I'm only touching the ground.
01:01:12No, I'm not.
01:01:14Well, when you do touch the ground, jump farther.
01:01:20Why don't you jump on the running board?
01:01:22Well, jump on the bracket.
01:01:28Never thought of that.
01:01:40Just in time, sir.
01:01:42There's a tunnel leading from the sea right into the cellar here, sir,
01:01:44and it's packed with contraband.
01:01:46Find out if Dudford's on the premises.
01:01:48Let's have a look at this.
01:01:50Hey, pull up, pull up, pull up.
01:01:54There they are.
01:01:56Cool, look.
01:02:02Well, this looks like the last trip, sir.
01:02:08There's your headless horseman for you.
01:02:10Shall we fill in the hole, sir?
01:02:12No, don't bother. Tip the hearse to the quarry and scatter.
01:02:14Right, sir.
01:02:16I'll get in touch with you boys later from London.
01:02:20All right.
01:02:28Hey, go on.
01:02:36The missing car is a black Morris,
01:02:38number FN8429.
01:02:42There are three oncemen in it.
01:02:44Right. Goodbye.
01:02:46Goodbye, sir.
01:02:48Well, how are we going to get after it without any petrol?
01:02:50All right, keep the shirt on. We've got another can in the bank.
01:02:52Well, hop out and get it. Go on.
01:02:56Come on.
01:02:58Come on.
01:03:00Oh, wait a minute.
01:03:08What's that noise?
01:03:10It's the radio. I turned it on. May as well have a bit of music.
01:03:12Music? I mean, I think we've got enough on our minds
01:03:14having to listen to that rubbish.
01:03:16Oh, steady on there. You'll make me spill it.
01:03:18Well, why don't you use a funnel?
01:03:20I haven't got a funnel.
01:03:22Well, use a bit of imagination. Here.
01:03:24Here.
01:03:26Here, I'll use that.
01:03:28That's it.
01:03:30Calling all police patrols.
01:03:32Who said that?
01:03:34Hey, that's a police message.
01:03:36Keep watch for and stop
01:03:38black Morris tourer number FN8429
01:03:40to leave travelling towards London.
01:03:42Oh, London Road. That's this road.
01:03:44Hey, if we keep our eyes open,
01:03:46we might catch them as well, eh?
01:03:48Yes. Yes. Yes.
01:03:50I will repeat that.
01:03:52Car number FN8429.
01:03:54Did you get that number?
01:03:56Got it.
01:03:58We've had it all the time.
01:04:00Well, I wonder what they want us for.
01:04:02Probably they've heard about old Joe's grandmother.
01:04:04The car is driven by three wanted police officers.
01:04:06Their arrest is essential.
01:04:08Oh, dear.
01:04:10I will repeat that.
01:04:12Don't bother. We heard you the first time.
01:04:14Get out of the way.
01:04:16We can't use this car because they know it.
01:04:18So we'll shove it down the side road
01:04:20then get a lift from somebody.
01:04:22Go on. Off you go.
01:04:30Hey, look.
01:04:32They're coming.
01:04:34Keep an eye on it.
01:04:36What have you got in that tin?
01:04:38Only milk, sir.
01:04:40Milk?
01:04:42Oh, this time of the morning?
01:04:44I will deliver it this time, sir.
01:04:46Oh, well, it looks highly suspicious to me.
01:04:48And to me.
01:04:50Me too.
01:04:52Where's your milk book?
01:04:54My what, sir?
01:04:56Your milk book. You know, the book you put your milk in.
01:04:58I haven't got one, sir.
01:05:00Oh, yes, you've got a milk book.
01:05:02Well, you can't go round the country milking without a milk book.
01:05:04You go and get one immediately.
01:05:06Yes, sir.
01:05:08Oh, no, leave your bicycle where it is.
01:05:10We'll look after that.
01:05:12Go on. Off you go and run all the way.
01:05:14Come on.
01:05:32A lorry ahead, sir. Shall we question the driver?
01:05:34No, we haven't time for that. Get in front of it.
01:05:36Right, sir.
01:05:44There they are.
01:05:46That's our lorry. You can see the tail light.
01:05:48Open up the throttle.
01:05:50We'll never catch them at this speed.
01:05:52And take your beard out of the milk.
01:05:58See, I only said stop. Put the brakes on.
01:06:00I've got them on.
01:06:02Now, throw her up. Come on. Put your feet on the ground.
01:06:04Oh, dear.
01:06:08Oh, dear.
01:06:10Tell me what you've done.
01:06:12Well, it was your fault messing about with the handlebars.
01:06:14Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the idea?
01:06:16Did you see the signal?
01:06:18This'll cost you something.
01:06:20I'll report you. I'll report you.
01:06:22See if I don't.
01:06:24I'll tell you more about this.
01:06:26Hey, look.
01:06:28Let's knock off this van.
01:06:30You can't go about knocking off people's property.
01:06:32Besides, there may be somebody in it.
01:06:34Get in there. What are you arguing about?
01:06:36Go on.
01:06:42Get in there.
01:06:46Hey! Hey! Hey!
01:06:48Hey, I thought you said there was nobody in this.
01:06:50I didn't see anyone.
01:06:52Whoo! Here's a bit of fun.
01:06:54We're on a coffee stall.
01:06:56Coffee stall? So it is.
01:06:58I'm going to climb round, see if I can find any pork pies.
01:07:00Hey, we've got to catch that lorry.
01:07:02Don't try to worry about pork pies.
01:07:04There's our lorry.
01:07:06Hey.
01:07:08There's a van tailing us, and it's got three coppers in it.
01:07:10It's behind me.
01:07:12It's stunned.
01:07:14Take that next turning down to the left. We'll soon shake him off.
01:07:16All right. We'll hold tight.
01:07:22Go on. Back up a bit. Back up.
01:07:24I mean, they can't get away with it.
01:07:26They didn't even put his hand down.
01:07:34Shaking him off yet?
01:07:36No.
01:07:38They're still after us.
01:07:40All right. I'll tell you later.
01:07:42Hey. Left body?
01:07:44Gone. What do you mean, gone?
01:07:46They've left the road. What have you done? Driven up a tree?
01:07:48I'll tell you it's following something that ain't there.
01:07:50Let's get inside and have a good go out.
01:07:52Maybe that wanted car will come by.
01:07:54What wanted car? You know, the one they spoke of over the wireless.
01:07:56FN 8429.
01:07:58FN 8429. That's our own car, isn't it?
01:08:00Remember we shoved it up a side road?
01:08:02FN 8429.
01:08:04If you don't shut up, you'll be R.I.P. 82.
01:08:06Go on, Albert.
01:08:20Hey.
01:08:22Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.
01:08:24What's the idea of being asleep? I'll kill you.
01:08:26I'll be asleep? I don't even have to be asleep.
01:08:28I'll sleep when he stops.
01:08:30Hey. Wake up, will you?
01:08:33Paul.
01:08:35There you are. You've ditched this now.
01:08:37Never, haven't you?
01:08:39I was driving all right while I was asleep.
01:08:41It's you waking me up.
01:08:43You're having a bit of bad luck, ain't you?
01:08:45Bad luck? I'm chained to it.
01:08:49How much longer are you going to be?
01:08:51OK, boss. We're all set now.
01:08:53All right.
01:09:03Hey!
01:09:05That's our lorry!
01:09:07Look! Come on!
01:09:26Hey, can't you give me a bit more room?
01:09:28I've never driven one of these things before.
01:09:30I can't help it. This wasn't made for three people.
01:09:32It wasn't made for one your size.
01:09:42I hear there's a bus spotting us now.
01:09:47It's got its damn foot again.
01:09:50The stolen bus has just come by.
01:09:52Head in for the Weybridge Road.
01:09:54Calling all cars.
01:09:56Wanted bus seen in Weybridge District.
01:09:58Proceed to that area.
01:10:09I shall write to the bus company about this.
01:10:11I'm sure they'll be happy to help.
01:10:13I'm sure they'll be happy to help.
01:10:15I'm sure they'll be happy to help.
01:10:17I shall write to the bus company about this.
01:10:19They never stop at the authorized places.
01:10:21They queue up and then they run like blazes.
01:10:24Oh, go on. There's a green light.
01:10:26I know. I know. I'm not colorblind.
01:10:28The bus won't stop.
01:10:29I know what's wrong.
01:10:30What?
01:10:31We haven't run the belt.
01:10:32Yeah, we haven't run the belt.
01:10:44Move out there!
01:10:45Shut up! I've got as much license as you have.
01:10:47What's he playing at?
01:10:51Get out of here!
01:10:52Hey, what are you doing?
01:10:56What?
01:10:57What's the matter? Somebody behind us?
01:10:58Someone behind us.
01:11:00We've got a full house.
01:11:01Yeah, ain't we?
01:11:04Hey, where did all those people come from?
01:11:06They must have got on when we stopped.
01:11:08Well, now they're on, they can stay on.
01:11:11Wait till that conductor comes down.
01:11:13I'll write a complaint about this.
01:11:31Yeah, police.
01:11:32What am I doing? Stop?
01:11:33No.
01:11:34Turn left.
01:11:43Look at that.
01:12:00We've got to go a little bit faster.
01:12:02Look, you're all on your own time.
01:12:03I think it's all right if we're to speed like that.
01:12:04Anybody think it was erased?
01:12:05No.
01:12:08I mean, you're right.
01:12:09It is the right drive.
01:12:10We're going to get it.
01:12:13Oh! Oh, it's more cars coming!
01:12:17Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
01:12:20Whoa!
01:12:23Oh, that was a near thing wasn't it?
01:12:26Look out there, there's a lorry!
01:12:29Spin it over!
01:12:30Turn left now!
01:12:31Now see!
01:12:33Whoa!
01:12:50So, you had a nice laugh around, now you're for it!
01:12:52Hey, it's not as you want it to be!
01:12:53Hey, don't let him get away!
01:12:54Get away!
01:13:01Oh, no you don't!
01:13:02Get those three cars at once!
01:13:03No, no, it's not for you!
01:13:04This is the man you want!
01:13:05Yes!
01:13:06He's got a full-on crew bandit!
01:13:08That's right, that's right!
01:13:09There's cannons on it!
01:13:10It's raining all over the place!
01:13:11Fantastic!
01:13:12Are you accusing me of smuggling?
01:13:14Yes, I am!
01:13:15That's outrageous!
01:13:16You're the smuggler and you know it!
01:13:17That's a fib!
01:13:18And he's always telling fibs!
01:13:19Shut up, you!
01:13:21I've seen you before somewhere, haven't I?
01:13:23No.
01:13:24That's another fib!
01:13:25And I can prove it, too!
01:13:26You remember the day when I knocked you on the head
01:13:27and kidded you you'd run your car into a shop window?
01:13:29Well, this is the fellow that came and backed us up
01:13:31and said it was an accident.
01:13:32So you admitted you was a blackguard!
01:13:34Yes, but look what we've done since!
01:13:35Caught the smugglers and everything!
01:13:36Arrest a lot of them!
01:13:37Hey, wait a minute!
01:13:38You mean to tell me that you're after all we...
01:13:39You heard her?
01:13:40Well, hold...
01:13:41Get it!
01:13:53Arrgh!