• 7 hours ago
Genres - Action-Adventure, Comedy | Release Date - Apr 17, 1992 | Run Time - 88 min. | Countries - United States of America | MPAA Rating - PG

Boris and Natasha: The Movie is a 1992 comedy film that was loosely based on the animated television series The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. It was shot in Los Angeles. The actors did not attempt to copy the accents of their animated counterparts, and although Rocky and Bullwinkle do not appear in this film, they are referred to by the names "Agent Moose" and "Agent Squirrel". This was due to the production company's inability to secure the rights to the animated characters' likenesses for this film. Originally intended for a theatrical release, this film was produced by Management Company Entertainment Group for Showtime Networks, and aired on Showtime on April 17, 1992.

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Transcript
00:00:00Well, ever since our last episode, which was around 1964, give or take a couple of weeks,
00:00:26there's been a lot of water under the bridge.
00:00:29Cities have fallen. Governments have toppled. Yes, the winds of Glasnost have swept Eastern
00:00:32Europe and the world will never be the same. Crowds of people have massed in the streets,
00:00:36cheering and celebrating their newfound freedom. Yes, everyone is just delighted.
00:00:41Yay!
00:00:43All except for one little tiny country where the Cold War is still freezing. A puny pipsqueak
00:00:48principality where nastiness is a virtue, where being mean and rotten is the national
00:00:52pastime, and everyone spends so much time double-crossing each other that they don't
00:00:56even have time for lunch. Yes, neatly nestled between the borders of
00:01:00Wrestlevania and Yersovania. That's right. Oh, boy. You guessed it. Hokey smoke. Watch
00:01:05me pull a rabbit out of my hat. It's that schnook capital of the world, Hotselvania.
00:01:11And as our story opens, the meanest, nastiest, no-goodnik of them all, the man they call
00:01:16Fearless Leader.
00:01:18You're welcome, has a very big problem. And so he has called in his best operative, a
00:01:24man so sinister, so dangerous, so badly lit, he's known only as Agent X.
00:01:32Where the hell have you been? I don't see that that's any of your business.
00:01:37And with the pleasantries out of the way, Fearless Leader explained the whole story,
00:01:40beginning with the most astonishing scientific breakthrough in the history of the world.
00:01:44Presenting time-reverse microchip demonstration number one.
00:01:53The microchip is in place. My brother, Krigo, will shatter the beak, and the release of
00:02:00energy will trigger the microchip.
00:02:02Obviously, the implications of this invention are staggering. The microchip freezes time,
00:02:16then backs it up three seconds. We can reverse catastrophes, save lives, even protect the
00:02:23military by rendering any object indestructible. With this remarkable device, there is virtually
00:02:31no limit to the benefits for mankind. We feel this invention is the most astonishing scientific
00:02:38breakthrough.
00:02:39I'm impressed. With a chip like that, a man could rule the world.
00:02:45Yes. Unfortunately, three days after that film was made, Pavlovich took the chip and
00:02:52disappeared.
00:02:53I see. And I am supposed to find him and bring him back.
00:02:57You're the best there is. That's why I called for you.
00:03:00And you want me to risk my cover on such a dangerous mission as that?
00:03:05What else do you suggest?
00:03:07Give me a decoy, a loyal, trusting agent, someone expendable, a total idiot. Send him
00:03:14to find the professor. I will follow at a discreet distance. And the moment Pavlovich
00:03:20is found, I will kill them both and return the microchip to you.
00:03:25Brilliant!
00:03:26Now, who would be the perfect decoy?
00:03:32Who indeed? Rodgers and Hammerstein? Sonny and Cher? Bilbo Baggins? No, as anybody who
00:03:37looked at their tickets before they came into the theater ought to know, it's...
00:03:43Of course, it was Boris and Natasha, who at this moment were somewhere in a remote part
00:03:51of the Middle East.
00:03:52Boris! Boris! Boris, darling! Where is Egg?
00:03:57Egg! Egg! Egg!
00:04:00Where is Egg?
00:04:01And on the run with an elaborate jewel-encrusted egg that they've recently stolen from a potentate's
00:04:05palace.
00:04:06Oh, Boris, darling, you're a genius.
00:04:11Come on!
00:04:17Eat chicken!
00:04:20Hurry up! Hurry up!
00:04:23Come on! Follow them!
00:04:32Get the car!
00:04:353-3! 3-3!
00:04:373-3! 3-3!
00:04:51What a pathetic shot!
00:04:52Watch out for the cattle!
00:05:07Watch where you're going!
00:05:20Open it! Go! Go!
00:05:31Open the alley!
00:05:37No!
00:05:44Boris! Boris, quick!
00:05:56What do we do now?
00:05:57We've got to find our contact.
00:05:59The One-Eyed Man. Where is One-Eyed Man?
00:06:02He's here. The alley of the damned.
00:06:06You first. Come on. Let's go.
00:06:36We've got a lot of One-Eyed guys here.
00:06:42The Four Corners of Egypt belong to King Tut.
00:06:45I love you, huh?
00:06:51The Four Corners of Egypt belong to King Tut.
00:06:57The Four Corners of Egypt belong to King Tut.
00:07:01The Four Corners of Egypt belong to King Tut.
00:07:05The Four Corners of Egypt belong to King Tut.
00:07:35Bye-bye! Bye-bye!
00:07:45Bye-bye! Bye-bye!
00:07:55Stop them! Stop them!
00:08:01You mad, Gorda! You beast!
00:08:06Wait a minute. Are there only two of them?
00:08:08Yes, Colonel Gorda.
00:08:11For a moment I thought I saw three.
00:08:14Hey, Gorda! We have your egg!
00:08:36So, back in Potsilvania, and with their mission completed,
00:08:40Boris and Natasha suddenly received an urgent summons from their beloved Fearless Leader.
00:08:45Yes, even they could tell something very important was about to happen.
00:08:54Fearless Leader, we are honored.
00:08:55We are so honored.
00:08:56Good. Your mission is to infiltrate the United States of America.
00:09:02The United States?
00:09:04Once inside, you are to locate this man.
00:09:07His name is Professor Anton Pavlovich.
00:09:10Other than that, I can tell you nothing.
00:09:17Now, a direct infiltration will never work.
00:09:20Therefore, your orders are these.
00:09:23You yourselves must pose as defectors.
00:09:26Defectors?
00:09:28From the moment you leave this room,
00:09:30from the moment you leave this room,
00:09:32your every action must be consistent with that of a traitor.
00:09:36You must effect your own escape across the border.
00:09:39Once you arrive in America, you must convince the authorities that you are sincere.
00:09:45If you fail, they will kill you.
00:09:48Keep a low profile.
00:09:50Speak to no one.
00:09:53And if you get the feeling you're being followed,
00:09:56ignore it.
00:09:57Ignore it?
00:09:59Oh, yes.
00:10:01Baronov.
00:10:03Fetal.
00:10:05This mission is by far the greatest honor of your careers.
00:10:09Congratulations.
00:10:11You are now officially traitors to the state.
00:10:16Thank you very much.
00:10:18Thank you very much.
00:10:19Thank you very much.
00:10:29Well, next morning, in a typically misguided attempt to follow their instructions to the letter,
00:10:33our heroes engineered a daring escape.
00:10:37And after bribing an unscrupulous sea captain for the use of his vessel...
00:10:42Come on! Come on!
00:10:44They set sail for America.
00:10:49Unfortunately, America was a lot farther away than it looked on their Rand McNally,
00:10:53and seven hours later...
00:10:54Father.
00:10:56Father.
00:10:57Father.
00:10:58We were in danger of having a very short movie,
00:11:00but luckily, Fearless Leader was right behind in a Potsilvanian PT boat to haul our heroes to safety.
00:11:05Next, he personally drove our diligent defectors out to the heavily fortified Potsilvanian border...
00:11:12and waited while our heroes surveyed the landscape and settled on the perfect plan for escape.
00:11:18And it almost worked, too.
00:11:23And so, with a song in their heart, a lump in their throat,
00:11:25and absolutely no idea where the hell they were going,
00:11:27Boris and Natasha implemented Plan C,
00:11:30marching straight up and over the famed Potsilvanian Alps.
00:11:33What?
00:11:40Unfortunately, they'd forgotten it was the middle of winter,
00:11:43and as the temperature began to plummet...
00:11:46Boris, don't sleep.
00:11:49If you sleep, you will die.
00:11:56Fearless Leader had to rescue them once again.
00:12:03Finally, in a last-ditch attempt to get the plot moving,
00:12:05Fearless Leader gave them two one-way tickets to the land of the free and the home of the brave...
00:12:10Trinidad.
00:12:12Where, cleverly enough, they caught the first plane to America.
00:12:15And from the very moment they landed, it looked like smooth sailing.
00:12:18At last, they'd infiltrated the United States undetected.
00:12:22Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
00:12:24We're lagging Americans! We defect! We defect!
00:12:27We're defective!
00:12:28We are defective!
00:12:29Oh, thank you so much.
00:12:30You are so kind.
00:12:32You are so kind.
00:12:33Oh, very nice car.
00:12:36Yes, it was a nice car!
00:12:43And it took them to a very nice building,
00:12:45which turned out to be none other than the national headquarters of the CIA.
00:12:48Hi. Welcome to the ranch.
00:12:52I'm Sheldon Kaufman.
00:12:54And, uh, I'm Boris Pantanoff.
00:12:56And this is my assistant, Natasha Patel.
00:12:58How do you do?
00:12:59Hi.
00:13:01Sorry about all the cloak-and-dagger stuff, but, uh...
00:13:06Well, it's not every day we get a couple of high-powered
00:13:09Partsylvanian operatives defecting to the United States.
00:13:13Now then, we have a very important mission.
00:13:16Now then, we have a thing we call in our country
00:13:19the defectors program.
00:13:21If a defector, such as yourselves,
00:13:23is really, really sincere,
00:13:25and you certainly look sincere to me,
00:13:30we not only let you into the country,
00:13:32but we provide you with a place to live,
00:13:34a little spending money,
00:13:35everything you could possibly need
00:13:37to live your lives as new Americans.
00:13:39How wonderful.
00:13:40Thank you very much.
00:13:42Of course, there's a little routine we go through first,
00:13:45just a technicality.
00:13:46A medical exam, a few questions.
00:13:49We will tell you everything.
00:13:51This mental exam.
00:13:53How difficult?
00:13:55No, uh, medical exam.
00:13:57Oh, delightful.
00:14:01Fine. Shall we get started?
00:14:04Now, I'm gonna show you some pictures.
00:14:06Just tell me what you see.
00:14:12Bomb explosion.
00:14:16Machine gun attack at small embassy.
00:14:24Oh, mushka, mishka,
00:14:26a little puppy with floppy ear.
00:14:29Carrying letter bomb.
00:14:31Into small embassy.
00:14:35And for the next five hours,
00:14:37Boris and Natasha were poked and prodded
00:14:39by a host of doctors and a myriad of medical examinations.
00:14:45Followed by an even more grisly series of irritating jump cuts.
00:14:52And finally culminating in the toughest examination of them all.
00:14:55But they had their story, and they were stuck with it.
00:15:01Are you defecting to the United States of your own free will?
00:15:05Yes.
00:15:08Are you currently employed by the Potsilvanian Secret Service?
00:15:12Absolutely not.
00:15:13No.
00:15:16Are you now or have you ever been a member of any organization
00:15:20advocating overthrow of the United States government?
00:15:23Yes.
00:15:24No!
00:15:25No.
00:15:26Yes.
00:15:27No, but yes.
00:15:30Yes and no.
00:15:40Well, they're either incredibly smart or incredibly stupid.
00:15:44They are incredibly stupid.
00:15:46I certainly have never seen anything like them.
00:15:48Neither have I.
00:15:50Hell, I hope you're not thinking of letting them on the program.
00:15:53They're compulsive liars.
00:15:55They're violent, stupid, not to mention their bomb fixation.
00:15:58I don't know. Maybe, uh...
00:16:00Maybe we could learn something.
00:16:02We haven't had a defection in six months.
00:16:04I mean, we could always just play along.
00:16:07Look, if we deport them, we're never gonna find out what they're after.
00:16:10Personally, I'd deport them.
00:16:14I'd deport them.
00:16:44Hi.
00:16:51Hi.
00:16:54Hi.
00:17:00Well, you know what we got here?
00:17:05A couple of brand-new Americans.
00:17:07Ah-ha!
00:17:14Ooh, ooh, ooh!
00:17:33So, listen, after you guys get settled, why don't you give me a call?
00:17:35You know, we can get together.
00:17:37I can show you around. We can see some sights.
00:17:39Go to some clubs.
00:17:40Hey, you like to dance?
00:17:42Dance is for a wedding.
00:17:43Well, how about music? I mean, I know some great jazz clubs.
00:17:46No.
00:17:47I got it.
00:17:48Why don't we get in touch with some of your friends or some relatives?
00:17:51Because, you know, you just give me the names, we can find anybody.
00:17:54Boris is orphan, and I am shy.
00:17:59And so charming as ever, our heroes at last arrived at their new American home.
00:18:04So, what do you think?
00:18:08We share one other family, yes?
00:18:10Mm-mm.
00:18:11It's yours. All yours.
00:18:13Look, you got your solid-state color TV, 162 channels, cable ready.
00:18:18Your 16-zone security system with infrared motion detector.
00:18:21Two-line solid-state beeperless remote answer machine.
00:18:24Kitchen's got all the regular stuff.
00:18:26Here's your blender, automatic coffee maker, water purification system,
00:18:29trash compactor, microwave.
00:18:31Ah, you guys know how to use all this stuff.
00:18:33Ah, that's just about it.
00:18:34Let's see, I got some credit cards, maps, and some spending cash.
00:18:38And here's the keys.
00:18:39There you go.
00:18:42You guys are probably tired.
00:18:44Yes, yes, we're very tired.
00:18:46We're very tired.
00:18:47We are thanking you so much, and we are so delightful to be here.
00:18:50So, good night.
00:18:51Okay, listen, if you need anything, or you got any questions, you call me, okay?
00:18:55Okay.
00:18:56Okay, bye.
00:18:57Okay, bye.
00:18:59Boris, we found them! We did it! We did it!
00:19:03Boris, you are so bad.
00:19:09You are so bad. You are good.
00:19:12It's good to be bad.
00:19:19Boris! Boris!
00:19:31Boris! Boris! Boris!
00:19:39Hmm.
00:19:43Boris!
00:19:44What?
00:19:45I am liking this person, Willie.
00:19:47He is very smart-minded.
00:19:49He's stupid as a bag of hammers.
00:19:51I think I will make friend with him.
00:19:53We'll make good cover.
00:20:02Boris!
00:20:04Boris!
00:20:08I'm not worried about our cover.
00:20:10I'm worried about finding that damn professor.
00:20:13And getting a good night's sleep.
00:20:15Of course, darling.
00:20:17You have had a very hard, long day.
00:20:20But tomorrow, we will complete our mission,
00:20:23and we will get out of horrible country.
00:20:25You will be great hero.
00:20:27Good night, Popsy.
00:20:29Good night, darling.
00:20:34Hmm.
00:20:48American live in such tall building.
00:20:51It's so funny.
00:20:55But it's nice to be alone.
00:20:57No one snooping over shoulder.
00:20:59No one listening to you.
00:21:01Shut up out there!
00:21:02I'm trying to get some sleep.
00:21:05It's nice to be alone.
00:21:07And as the prying eyes of the CIA kept close watch on our heroes,
00:21:32an even closer watch was being kept by the sinister Agent X.
00:21:38But what he didn't know was that he himself was being watched
00:21:42by an even more mysterious figure.
00:21:44A man with very bad taste in footwear lurking in the shadows.
00:21:49Who was this mystery man?
00:21:51Another spy?
00:21:52Another wrinkle in the plot?
00:21:53Did he work for Florsheim?
00:21:55Did we give him these weird shoes just so you'd recognize him later?
00:21:58But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
00:22:00Next morning, Boris and Natasha began the day bright and early.
00:22:03Well, early anyway.
00:22:06Okay, the first thing we gotta do is find Kalashak.
00:22:09Kalashak the assassin?
00:22:11He doesn't do that anymore.
00:22:12He's here in the States now.
00:22:13He sells information to the highest bidder.
00:22:15If anybody knows where the professor is, he does.
00:22:18Oh, darling, you are so smart.
00:22:21Those pigs! Those pigs!
00:22:23Those pigs! Those pigs!
00:22:25What'd they do, Boris?
00:22:26They took my dynamite.
00:22:28Those pigs! Those pigs!
00:22:30He's all right. I've still got my spares.
00:22:33I know you cannot trust capitalists.
00:22:36You cannot trust anybody.
00:22:40Look at this closet.
00:22:42It's typical American waste of space.
00:22:44Would make a nice home for a small family.
00:22:51I've got static in the fish tank.
00:22:54Yeah?
00:22:55Give me Willie.
00:22:56Yes, sir.
00:22:57Willie?
00:23:01Hi, boss.
00:23:02So, everybody happy?
00:23:04Yeah, so far.
00:23:05What do you think?
00:23:07I think we give them some rope.
00:23:09Then when we see what they're up to,
00:23:12we hang them.
00:23:23Surprise!
00:23:24Who the hell are you?
00:23:27You're next door neighbors.
00:23:29Surprise!
00:23:34Well, you don't think we're too pushy, do you?
00:23:36Well, of course you think we're pushy.
00:23:38Harv thinks we're pushy.
00:23:39I think she's perfect.
00:23:40Oh, Harv.
00:23:41I mean, we did just barge right in.
00:23:43But, you know, we figured as a couple of new Americans
00:23:46from behind the iron drapes,
00:23:48you deserved a real welcome.
00:23:50Don't you just love sushi?
00:23:52I feel like it's moving in my mouth.
00:23:54Fish eggs, anyone?
00:23:56So, tell us all about Pottsylvania.
00:24:01It's very cold.
00:24:11Oh, I get it.
00:24:13Pottsylvanias are quiet.
00:24:14That's why I bet you think Americans talk too much,
00:24:16don't you?
00:24:17We do talk too much.
00:24:18I talk too much.
00:24:19I think you're perfect.
00:24:21Harv, but I mean, how are you going to know anything
00:24:23unless you ask?
00:24:24That's the great thing about America.
00:24:25You can ask anything you want.
00:24:46So you work out?
00:24:49I like you, Tash.
00:24:52I like you, Tash.
00:24:54You're a lot of fun.
00:24:55I am?
00:24:56Yeah.
00:24:57And you're going to love this country.
00:24:59You got everything going for you.
00:25:01New home, nice husband, great cheekbones.
00:25:05Boris is not husband.
00:25:07Oh, there's nothing wrong with living with your boyfriend
00:25:09till you tie the knot.
00:25:10What knot?
00:25:12Hit me in the stomach.
00:25:14Go ahead.
00:25:15You can't hurt me.
00:25:17Oh, trust me, Tash.
00:25:18You got to be able to see it.
00:25:21You think so?
00:25:23It's obvious.
00:25:24Tash, Boris adores you.
00:25:26The man's in love.
00:25:33I haven't done dishes in a long time.
00:25:35I cook, so Harv cleans up.
00:25:38Harv does work in kitchen?
00:25:40We split everything 50-50.
00:25:44Hit the disposal, will you?
00:25:47Night, you two.
00:25:48Bye-bye.
00:25:49Good night.
00:25:50Thank you for balloons, shrimp and food.
00:25:52Good night.
00:25:53Harv!
00:25:54Harv!
00:25:55Night, bye-bye.
00:25:56Good night.
00:26:01I thought they'd never leave.
00:26:04Well, so did we, but at last they were on their way
00:26:06to see their old friend Kalashank,
00:26:08a man who felt that anybody's business
00:26:10was everybody's business
00:26:11as long as they gave him the business.
00:26:13Yes, if anybody knew how to find the professor,
00:26:15it would probably be him.
00:26:21The four corners of Egypt are ruled by King Tut.
00:26:30Baranov?
00:26:34Boris Baranov?
00:26:43Hm-hm.
00:26:44Hm-hm-hm-hm.
00:26:47Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm.
00:26:49Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm.
00:26:52Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm.
00:26:55Boris Baranov.
00:26:57The four corners of Egypt are ruled by King Tut.
00:27:00You're killing me.
00:27:01Please stop.
00:27:02Stop.
00:27:03I know the passwords already.
00:27:05Please, don't do it to me.
00:27:07I can't believe Boris Baranov is here.
00:27:11Holy smokeronis!
00:27:13This man is devoted flunky Natasha Fetel.
00:27:17Well, what brings you two to America?
00:27:20Did fearless leader have craving for burgers and fries?
00:27:27He needs some advice.
00:27:29What?
00:27:30You want advice?
00:27:32You want advice?
00:27:33Okay.
00:27:34Okay.
00:27:35Okay, I give you advice.
00:27:36I give you advice.
00:27:38Don't give up your day job.
00:27:44We have money.
00:27:45I'm sorry.
00:27:46I'm sorry.
00:27:47It's just money is all.
00:27:49Well, you know, I would have thought you both had blown yourselves up by now.
00:27:53So what is it you both want, huh?
00:27:56We are looking for a man named Professor Anton Polovitch.
00:28:04I've never heard of that name before.
00:28:06I don't know nothing.
00:28:07Go away.
00:28:08I...
00:28:10Well, perhaps this would refresh your memory, huh?
00:28:15Now look, the both of you.
00:28:17You're in way over your heads, my little spies.
00:28:20Take some advice.
00:28:22Forget you ever heard that name.
00:28:24But I'm having some trouble forgetting, if you know what I mean.
00:28:33In the chair.
00:28:39In the chair.
00:28:55Search your soul for the answer.
00:28:57What the hell?
00:28:58Get out of my way.
00:28:59I'm closed.
00:29:00Go on, go on, go on, go on.
00:29:01I'm closed.
00:29:02Go on, go on.
00:29:03What kind of advice is that?
00:29:04I want my money back.
00:29:05Get going now, or I'll kill you myself.
00:29:07Come, boys.
00:29:08Go on.
00:29:09But what about the receipt?
00:29:10It's tax deductible, you know.
00:29:11Go on.
00:29:12Get out.
00:29:14You want some advice?
00:29:15I'll give you advice.
00:29:16Leave now.
00:29:17That is the advice.
00:29:19Go, the both of you.
00:29:20Go on, get out of here.
00:29:22Get out.
00:29:27Crazy.
00:29:39What kind of a potato?
00:29:41What kind of potato was it?
00:29:43Idaho.
00:29:44Idaho.
00:29:46Listen, Mike.
00:29:47Tell Willie I want him to double his surveillance.
00:29:50No, quadruple it.
00:29:51You got it?
00:29:56Goddamn Kalashack.
00:29:57He knew something.
00:29:58He just wasn't talking.
00:30:00He called me a flunky.
00:30:02Forget about it.
00:30:03He is an idiot.
00:30:04Here, hang up my coat.
00:30:08I know what I should do.
00:30:10I should force feed him wood chips for an entire year.
00:30:13And then I would bury him in the ground up to his neck
00:30:17in a termite mound and watch them devour him
00:30:19as he screams for mercy.
00:30:21He's very good.
00:30:22Yeah.
00:30:23Search your soul for the answer.
00:30:25What the hell is his problem anyway?
00:30:28Next morning, Boris and Natasha began their day
00:30:30with a typical American breakfast.
00:30:39Boris!
00:30:44So they searched Boris' soul and got their clue.
00:30:47And wearing one of their many brilliant disguises,
00:30:49they soon found themselves outside
00:30:51the most fashionable hair salon in the city.
00:30:58Sushi, I can't grow my hair again.
00:31:01I'm sorry.
00:31:02I'm sorry.
00:31:03I'm sorry.
00:31:04I'm sorry.
00:31:05I'm sorry.
00:31:06I'm sorry.
00:31:07I can't grow my hair again.
00:31:09Because I think all the chemicals have leaked into my brain.
00:31:11I'm so spaced, I can hardly answer the phone.
00:31:14Hold on a minute, will you?
00:31:16Permit me to introduce myself.
00:31:17I'm Steve Shagg, and this is Ansel Fiverr.
00:31:20We're here to clean the rugs.
00:31:23Excuse me, but all our floors are tiled.
00:31:26I think you guys have the wrong address.
00:31:29No, we don't.
00:31:30Boris, show.
00:31:32Minnelli?
00:31:33Oh, you're not here to clean the rugs.
00:31:35You're here to change the photos.
00:31:37You're working for Sal Minnelli, the photographer, right?
00:31:39Yes.
00:31:40He's the one.
00:31:41We came to meet him.
00:31:42Meet Minnelli?
00:31:44Look, we just buy his photographs.
00:31:45He doesn't actually work here.
00:31:48Tosh?
00:31:50Boris!
00:31:51Toots.
00:31:52Oh!
00:31:53Acme rugs.
00:31:54What are you guys doing here?
00:31:55Oh, we are...
00:31:57We came to, uh...
00:31:59To, uh...
00:32:00To, uh...
00:32:01To drop by to, uh...
00:32:02To say hello.
00:32:03Oh!
00:32:04But, you know, I worked here.
00:32:06We didn't.
00:32:07Boris, you big joke.
00:32:08What?
00:32:09Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:32:10Toots!
00:32:11What?
00:32:12Toots!
00:32:13Yes, there he was, José Hébert himself,
00:32:15world-famous connoisseur of beauty,
00:32:17a man who, with one wave of his blow-dryer,
00:32:18could make you a star.
00:32:22And with one look at that Potsilvanian profile,
00:32:24he was completely enchanted.
00:32:26Oh, my God!
00:32:30Well, before she knew what hit her,
00:32:31José promised her he could make her an overnight sensation.
00:32:34He would introduce her
00:32:35to every major fashion photographer in the country,
00:32:37starting with an enormous party in her honor
00:32:39at the elegant private club Chez Manu that Friday night.
00:32:42Well, Boris saw this as the perfect opportunity.
00:32:45They could use the party to find Monelli,
00:32:47who would lead them straight to the professor.
00:32:49So while waiting for Friday,
00:32:50they did what any other American would have done.
00:32:53They went shopping.
00:32:55I want to let myself in
00:32:58Don't forget
00:33:00You look so good on me
00:33:03Other boys
00:33:05Like your love and kindness
00:33:07One more thing I need
00:33:10I want it all
00:33:11And, of course, no American mall would be complete
00:33:14without Aunt Fanny's fine cutlery and automatic weapons shop.
00:33:21No.
00:33:26No.
00:33:40No.
00:33:41And so as they left the mall,
00:33:43Natasha was already beginning to feel
00:33:45the allure of the American way of life.
00:33:47So the very next day,
00:33:49she did something she had never done before.
00:33:55I should not be go here with you.
00:33:57What are you talking about?
00:33:58You gotta get something to wear to the party.
00:34:00Boris say what I have is good.
00:34:02Forget about what Boris says.
00:34:04Come on.
00:34:09So don't you feel better?
00:34:11This is the way Harv and I do it.
00:34:12I never have to tell Harv what I buy.
00:34:14He does what he wants.
00:34:15I do what I want.
00:34:17You know, Tash, if a relationship is gonna work,
00:34:19it's gonna be equal.
00:34:2050-50.
00:34:21You did good.
00:34:26Hey, give me my tie.
00:34:30Stop looking in the mirror all the time.
00:34:39You look great.
00:34:40You really like it?
00:34:41Sure.
00:34:42Americans love hokey get-ups.
00:34:44Okay, let's review the plan.
00:34:46I am international film financier,
00:34:48Marim Kham Kha-Kha-Khala.
00:34:50We go to the party,
00:34:51We find the guy with the camera.
00:34:53I give him the password.
00:34:55If he answers, we know it's Minnelli.
00:34:58He leads us right to the professor.
00:35:01And if anything goes wrong...
00:35:04We kill ourselves.
00:35:12Well, Boris's plan was brilliant as usual.
00:35:14Natasha would provide a distraction
00:35:16while he looked for Minnelli,
00:35:17who'd otherwise been killed.
00:35:20Before corners of Egypt belong to King Padme.
00:35:25Before corners of Egypt belong to King Padme.
00:35:28Okay, I think it's enough.
00:35:30It's enough.
00:35:31Before corners of Egypt...
00:35:39Oh!
00:35:40Oh!
00:35:41Oh!
00:35:42Oh!
00:35:43Oh!
00:35:44Oh!
00:35:45Oh!
00:35:46Oh!
00:35:47Oh!
00:35:49Of course, Boris's plan was an utter disaster.
00:35:51But as a diversion, Natasha was an instant success.
00:35:54She had such flair, such charm,
00:35:56such an incredible haircut
00:35:57that soon she went right to the top of the fashion world.
00:36:00And a veritable Natasha mania swept the country.
00:36:02People couldn't get enough of the sultry spy.
00:36:05Proving once and for all that Andy Warhol was right,
00:36:07not to mention P.T. Barnum.
00:36:09Yes, everywhere people were imitating her inimitable style,
00:36:12especially that snappy hairdo.
00:36:15Of course, Natasha herself had gotten the idea
00:36:17from one of Potsilvania's national heroes.
00:36:20But in any event, soon there wasn't a corner of the world
00:36:23left untouched by this unbelievable phenomenon.
00:36:27Well, all this frou-frou of getting famous
00:36:29was taking its toll on a lot of people.
00:36:31The spying had come to a halt.
00:36:33Agent X had no one to watch.
00:36:35The man in the stupid shoes had no one to follow.
00:36:37The CIA had no one to listen to.
00:36:39There was still no sign of Minnelli.
00:36:41And, of course, all this was bound to come to the attention of...
00:36:45What the hell is going on over there?
00:36:48Even the writers were completely stumped,
00:36:50with no idea of how to get the story back to the missing professor
00:36:53and his amazing time-reversing microchip.
00:36:55As for Boris, he was getting more and more frustrated,
00:36:57annoyed, irritable, peeved, and downright...
00:36:59All right, all right, knock it off!
00:37:01You are acting ridiculous.
00:37:03Oh, Boris, don't be dreep.
00:37:05Well, what about Professor Polovich?
00:37:07And where are you going? We are spies!
00:37:11It's time we started to act like spies.
00:37:13I don't know what's got into you, Natasha.
00:37:15Fearless leader told us to assume a low profile,
00:37:17and you, you go waltzing around like some kind of movie star!
00:37:29Isn't Tasha here?
00:37:31Just a minute.
00:37:33All right.
00:37:35Do you or do you not want to be spied?
00:37:38Boris, darling, of course I do!
00:37:41Spying is most important thing in world to me.
00:37:44You think he's best side?
00:37:46All right, that's it. I forbid you to go out tonight!
00:37:49Forbid?
00:37:51Oh, Boris, so typical.
00:37:54This America, you are not my boss.
00:37:57You are not my husband.
00:37:59You are not even...
00:38:01Never mind.
00:38:03What? What am I not even? What, what?
00:38:05Oh, you are so stupid sometimes, Boris.
00:38:07If relationship is to be lasting, must be equal.
00:38:11So, for first time in my life,
00:38:13I am doing what I want to do.
00:38:15And you know what? I am liking it.
00:38:18Toots is behind this, isn't she? Toots, Toots, Toots!
00:38:20Toots happens to be wonderful person.
00:38:23And don't think you are so smart because she know about you.
00:38:26She know exactly how you feel about...
00:38:29And how far you think you get if it was not for me after all these years.
00:38:32I do everything. I do work and...
00:38:35And you never, you never...
00:38:37Never what?
00:38:39You never say thank you.
00:38:41What the hell?
00:38:43So, I am hoping that from this day forward,
00:38:47that you will be liking to carry your own luggage.
00:38:54So, goodbye.
00:39:02Luggage?
00:39:04This whole thing was about luggage?
00:39:10Well, Boris had hit rock bottom.
00:39:13Even the simplest of pleasures could not cheer him up.
00:39:34And as he wandered through the silent streets, he wondered,
00:39:37could Natasha have been right?
00:39:39Could she have in some small insignificant way
00:39:42been partly responsible for their illustrious career?
00:39:45Could he actually have been just the tiniest bit insensitive
00:39:48for, say, the last 32 years?
00:40:00He's very nice. Very nice.
00:40:04Please, ladies.
00:40:46Trust me, it's obvious. Boris adores you.
00:40:49The man's in love.
00:41:04Natasha, wait! I want to meet Sally Kellerman.
00:42:04Hello, darlings. We are not in right now.
00:42:07But Natasha and Boris will be back very, very soon.
00:42:11So, please, leave a message.
00:42:15My name is Manelli. I know who you are.
00:42:18I've seen your photographs.
00:42:20I'm a friend of Dr. Pollack's. I helped him to escape from that.
00:42:23Please, leave a message.
00:42:25Hello, darlings. We are not in right now.
00:42:28But Natasha and Boris will be back very, very soon.
00:42:31I'm a friend of Dr. Pollack's. I helped him to escape from that.
00:42:34Please, meet me tomorrow noon at Memorial Square
00:42:37for a photo session in front of the...
00:42:39Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello!
00:42:42Hello! Hello!
00:42:44Hello!
00:42:51We just found Anton Pollack.
00:42:56Yeah, let's go. I think we finally got something here.
00:43:00Doesn't Anton Polovitch strike a bell with you?
00:43:04No, I can't say I ever heard of him.
00:43:08Noon, huh?
00:43:10OK, thanks. And listen, Dan, keep up the good work.
00:43:23I will look terrible in photos. I do not get very much sleep.
00:43:27Don't worry about it. Look, about last night...
00:43:33Let's talk about it later, OK?
00:43:35Yes, Boris.
00:43:37You go to this place and you meet Manelli.
00:43:39You get the information from him. I'll be there too.
00:43:41But I'm going to be disguised, OK?
00:43:43I am loving when you are disguised.
00:43:45Now, you make sure you get the information from him.
00:43:48If he gives you any trouble,
00:43:50I'll crack his head like a Pozzolvanian chestnut.
00:43:53Yes, Boris, darling.
00:43:58Oopsie.
00:44:00I'll take this. You might drop it.
00:44:06Well, isn't that sweet?
00:44:08But meanwhile, back at our story,
00:44:10the elusive Manelli had finally surfaced.
00:44:12And as luck would have it, he too was another master spy.
00:44:15Yes, it seemed that Natasha's sudden notoriety
00:44:17had actually served a purpose after all.
00:44:19So faster than you can say,
00:44:21stop the world I want to get off,
00:44:23Natasha got down to business.
00:44:25That's enough. Good.
00:44:27Lovely. I like it for the road.
00:44:31Meanwhile, wearing an effective yet subtle disguise,
00:44:34the chameleon-like Boris Baranov
00:44:36blended discreetly into the crowd.
00:44:42Unfortunately, he got in line with the village people.
00:44:45Come on, Long John, you can move up now.
00:44:47Hey.
00:44:49Oh, all right, all right, all right.
00:44:51There you go. One for the road.
00:44:54There you go. One pretzel.
00:44:56One dollar.
00:44:58Hold the rope. That's it. Good. Lovely.
00:45:00I like it in the teeth.
00:45:02Hey, wait a second. What is this?
00:45:04I said one dollar. This is fake.
00:45:06Hi.
00:45:08No, no, you owe me a dollar.
00:45:10I don't have a dollar.
00:45:12What do you mean you don't have a dollar?
00:45:16Just a little this way. Perfect, perfect.
00:45:20You're very good at this.
00:45:22You follow instructions perfectly.
00:45:25You flatter me.
00:45:27On the contrary, my angel,
00:45:29that could get you killed.
00:45:35It hurts your eyes. It hurts your eyes.
00:45:37All right, all right. Come on, buddy. On your foot.
00:45:40You realize, of course, we're being watched.
00:45:44Your lives are in danger.
00:45:46I am a friend of Dr. Polovich.
00:45:48I am the one who helped him to escape.
00:45:50Now you must help him, too.
00:45:52What, to help?
00:45:54Mr. Polovich, may I have your autograph?
00:45:56I just feel that we have something in common.
00:45:58You know, I had an advocate from Pennsylvania,
00:46:01and I think that...
00:46:03Can you do this later? Thank you.
00:46:07Good, good. Excellent.
00:46:38Why do you think Peerless Leader told you nothing?
00:46:41You're merely decoys.
00:46:43You're just pawns in the game.
00:46:55I'm afraid you must know more.
00:46:58Of course. The fountain.
00:47:00How stupid of me. Come.
00:47:08We'll be safe here. The sound will drown our conversation.
00:47:22But he doesn't know where to find Professor and take him back.
00:47:25He lies to you.
00:47:28The moment you find Polovich, you will all be killed.
00:47:31An assassin has been trailing you since the moment you arrived.
00:47:36Oh!
00:47:39But who could be?
00:47:41Pennsylvania's most feared killer.
00:47:43He wears the ring.
00:47:45The ring of the assassin.
00:47:47You poor fools.
00:47:49He's been with you all the time.
00:47:51His name is...
00:47:56Police! Stop that man!
00:47:59Help!
00:48:03Right there! Right there! Police!
00:48:05Police! Stop that man!
00:48:23Help!
00:48:29Ah!
00:48:37Really? I didn't know.
00:48:45Somebody get a doctor!
00:48:50Come on, let's go.
00:48:52No, he's trying to tell me something.
00:48:54Why they want Professor dead?
00:48:56They what?
00:49:10Stay there!
00:49:13They what? Clammed him?
00:49:15Come on, let's go.
00:49:17We can't just leave him here.
00:49:19How dare him? He's dead. Come on, let's go.
00:49:21Billy!
00:49:23What happened?
00:49:25Oh, my God.
00:49:27We'll find Polovich.
00:49:29And if Badenov and Fatal get in the way,
00:49:31we'll kill them all.
00:49:33We'll kill them all.
00:49:35We'll kill them all.
00:49:37We'll kill them all.
00:49:39We'll kill them all.
00:49:41And if Badenov and Fatal get in the way,
00:49:43we'll kill them.
00:49:45The moment you find Polovich,
00:49:47you will all be killed.
00:49:49An assassin has been trailing you
00:49:51since the moment you arrived.
00:49:55He is a liar.
00:49:57Fearless leader would never do this to us.
00:49:59It's ridiculous.
00:50:01Go on.
00:50:03The ring of the assassin.
00:50:05You poor fool.
00:50:07He's been with you all the time.
00:50:10Boris, what is?
00:50:15This...
00:50:17This ring was on Willy's finger.
00:50:19It came off in the scuffle.
00:50:21Oh, not Willy.
00:50:23Oh, Willy was such a nice boy.
00:50:25Nice boy? You want to blow our heads off?
00:50:27I never liked him. Come on, we're getting out of here.
00:50:29Boris!
00:50:31Where will we go?
00:50:33I don't know. Someplace far away.
00:50:35From now on, we trust only ourselves.
00:50:37We've got to find the professor.
00:50:39Boris, he's too dangerous.
00:50:45Poopsie, we're dead anyway.
00:50:47To find the professor
00:50:49is the only way to get to the bottom of this.
00:50:51We've got to find him.
00:50:53Oh, Boris, I am so frightened.
00:50:55If we ever get out of this...
00:50:57I have always...
00:50:59I have always wanted to see Tahiti.
00:51:01They have such...
00:51:03such beautiful flowers.
00:51:05Look, Poopsie, don't be melodramatic, okay?
00:51:07As long as I'm here, nothing's going to happen.
00:51:35Shit!
00:51:59Black beam from everywhere.
00:52:01It wasn't ours, I'm sure of it.
00:52:03Well, who was it?
00:52:05I want some goddamn answers.
00:52:07And where the hell is Willie?
00:52:09Well, even Boris and Natasha could take a hint.
00:52:11With their cover shot full of holes
00:52:13and no one to trust, where could they go?
00:52:15Back to Potsylvania?
00:52:17Back to Pennsylvania?
00:52:19How about Pensacola? I hear that's nice this time of year.
00:52:21Do you have any ideas?
00:52:23If so, send them to this address,
00:52:25postmarked no later than June 12, 1964.
00:52:27In the meantime, our hurried heroes
00:52:29headed for an obscure little hotel
00:52:31where they could regroup and come up with a new plan.
00:52:33And so as not to draw attention to themselves,
00:52:35they came up with what were probably
00:52:37the most ingenious disguises
00:52:39of their already remarkable careers.
00:52:55Bellman?
00:52:57Yes?
00:52:59Who's Obese to their room?
00:53:01Obese. O-postrophe-B-E-E-T-H.
00:53:03We're Irish, me wife Katie and I.
00:53:05Kathleen.
00:53:07Her real name's Katie, but she's calling herself Kathleen
00:53:09for some bloody reason I'll never know what.
00:53:11Excuse me, could you give us a hand with these potatoes, please?
00:53:13I carry me own potatoes, you big lout.
00:53:17This way.
00:53:29Shh!
00:53:31Hey!
00:53:33Hey, the elevator's over here.
00:53:35I know. I work here.
00:53:37It's out of order. This way.
00:53:41Are you mad, man?
00:53:43We can't climb those stairs.
00:53:45Look, can't you see we're...
00:53:47Irish?
00:53:49Look, you're gonna have to sleep in the lobby, then,
00:53:51and these stairs are the only way to your rooms.
00:53:53Half-faith and be gory.
00:53:55Come.
00:53:59Come on.
00:54:09Come on, pick up the pace.
00:54:11Stop showing off high pockets.
00:54:13Right, so in 1935,
00:54:15the ballroom terrace was added to the 33rd floor.
00:54:21In 1966,
00:54:23the whole rat pack, except for Sinatra,
00:54:25stayed here on the 33rd floor.
00:54:27Imagine that. 40 old rooms.
00:54:29The rat who can climb 30 floors
00:54:31deserves a room.
00:54:33Now, in 1976,
00:54:35both presidential candidates stayed here
00:54:37because we've got two presidential suites,
00:54:3912 honeymoon suites.
00:54:47Come on.
00:54:49We're coming.
00:54:51I hope that's not the little woman.
00:54:53Oh!
00:54:55It was nothing, nothing.
00:54:57Half-faith and be gory.
00:54:59It was a mouse.
00:55:01A mouse? A mouse, huh?
00:55:03Not really that much of a problem
00:55:05we can take care of that.
00:55:07I think it was a mouse.
00:55:09It could have been a cockroach.
00:55:11Cockroach?
00:55:13Come to think of it, you know what?
00:55:15I am so silly.
00:55:17It was nothing but a tiny little flea.
00:55:19Fleas!
00:55:21I'll get the manager.
00:55:27All right, what the hell is the matter with you?
00:55:37It's Willy!
00:55:39How did he get in there?
00:55:41I put him there.
00:55:43You killed him?
00:55:45Of course not. He was already dead,
00:55:47but I dragged him from floor to closet.
00:55:49Did you think he was going somewhere?
00:55:51Or he was meeting someone.
00:55:53Come on, let's go.
00:55:55Get out of here.
00:55:57But Boris, you're disguised.
00:55:59What if someone see you?
00:56:01We done them with last wit,
00:56:03running up and down those damn stairs.
00:56:05Whoever did this to Willy knows we're here anyway.
00:56:07We've got to get rid of this stiff
00:56:09before the bellhop comes back with the manager.
00:56:19Oh, Willy, look.
00:56:21The elevator is working.
00:56:23Oh, oh, no, sir.
00:56:25Excuse me, that elevator's in service.
00:56:27It's just for the hotel staff.
00:56:29We aren't the staff. I'm the house detective.
00:56:31Oh, what's the matter with him?
00:56:33Oh, he's drunk again.
00:56:35I don't know why I married him.
00:56:37Gee, don't I know you from somewhere?
00:56:43Okay, what floor?
00:56:45Any floor. We've got to dump this stiff
00:56:47to see who is getting off 11.30 train, right?
00:56:49Right.
00:56:51You're a genius, Boris.
00:56:53It's 11.15 now.
00:56:55Oh, my God, look who it is.
00:56:57Oh, it's her.
00:56:59What do you do here?
00:57:01We're here for the party, of course.
00:57:03I didn't know you were invited.
00:57:05We want to come together.
00:57:07Who's your friend?
00:57:09Willy. Oh, no.
00:57:11Mr. Willy Onopoulos.
00:57:13He's a great guy, we know.
00:57:15Well, we were just leaving,
00:57:17but if you're just getting here, we'll stay for a while.
00:57:19Oh, no, he used to run to party
00:57:21and he'd run the whole evening.
00:57:23Thank you very much,
00:57:25but we'd better just drive him home.
00:57:27Uh, come on, how about if we drive Mr., uh,
00:57:29what's his name?
00:57:31Willy Onopoulos. Uh, come on, Harv.
00:57:33We'll take him home so Boris and Natasha
00:57:35can stay and enjoy the party.
00:57:37No, no, he's all right.
00:57:39Oh.
00:57:41He's cold as ice.
00:57:43He was holding ice.
00:57:45It's his drinking hand.
00:57:47We have to go.
00:57:49Well, we'd better go, too,
00:57:51or this thing's going to go without us.
00:57:53All right.
00:57:55So how'd you two meet, Mr., um...
00:57:57Willy Onopoulos.
00:57:59That's a strange name.
00:58:01Oh, he's Irish. Greek.
00:58:03Right, we are Irish.
00:58:05Potsilvanian.
00:58:07Right, right.
00:58:09I am a gobbledering myself.
00:58:11Look up there, everybody.
00:58:13All those dead flies.
00:58:15Oh, what a shame.
00:58:17Oh, it makes me sick.
00:58:19Uh...
00:58:21Oh, he's going to be sick, too.
00:58:23We got to get him to a washroom.
00:58:25Come on.
00:58:27Oh, he's sick.
00:58:29Uh, uh, uh, hey, buddy, you want some help?
00:58:33Boris, I don't like this.
00:58:35First Willy, now Toots and Harv.
00:58:37I thought it was supposed to be
00:58:39an obscure hotel where no one find us.
00:58:41Shut up and keep walking.
00:58:43Uh-oh.
00:58:47Hello, Mr. and Mrs. O'Beeth.
00:58:49Hello.
00:58:51Hello.
00:59:03Come on, help me.
00:59:05Oh, we can't put Willy in there.
00:59:07We have no friends.
00:59:09Come on, help me.
00:59:17Come on, Boris.
00:59:19Say some nice word for Willy.
00:59:21On hangers, no starch.
00:59:23You are bad.
00:59:25You are very bad, Boris.
00:59:27Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:59:29Come on, you got the train scheduled?
00:59:31Oh, no, I left in room.
00:59:33What?
00:59:37Oh.
00:59:41Oh, I need a drink.
00:59:43It's good idea.
00:59:45Excuse me.
00:59:49My name is Anton Polovitch.
00:59:51I understand you're looking for me.
01:00:01How did you know where to find us?
01:00:03Never mind that.
01:00:05What is the chip you're looking for?
01:00:07The chip?
01:00:09Oh, yes, of course, the chip.
01:00:13Uh, don't worry.
01:00:15I'll get rid of them.
01:00:17Surprise!
01:00:19What the hell?
01:00:21Look who we found.
01:00:23Mr. Willianopolis was sleeping it off in the laundry room.
01:00:25Figured you'd be looking for him.
01:00:27How come you checked in here?
01:00:29Don't you already have an apartment?
01:00:31Uh, you can't come in.
01:00:33We've got, um...
01:00:35Oh, it's hard. I'm so sorry you can't come in,
01:00:37but, uh, we are having some problem
01:00:39with our relationship,
01:00:41and Mr. Willianopolis is our marriage counselor.
01:00:43Doesn't look like he'd be much help.
01:00:45Oh, no, not now,
01:00:47but when he come through,
01:00:49he is like, uh, oh, he can...
01:00:51Boris?
01:00:53Uh, it's a new technique.
01:00:55He deliberately incapacitated himself,
01:00:57thereby giving us a mutual responsibility.
01:00:59You see, by helping him, it helps us.
01:01:01If you're paying him more than $70 an hour,
01:01:03you're getting ripped off, pal.
01:01:05Garth, why don't we go
01:01:07and let those two lovebirds work it out?
01:01:09See you later, Tash.
01:01:11Oh, thank you. Bye-bye.
01:01:13Sorry, but he's gone!
01:01:15All right.
01:01:17Get the train scheduled.
01:01:19We're going to the station.
01:01:21He's gone.
01:01:23What? He probably took it with him.
01:01:25Damn!
01:01:27Now at least we know why he was here.
01:01:29Why?
01:01:31First he killed Willie, and then he come back for train schedule.
01:01:33Yes, yes, yes, yes.
01:01:35Well, I don't know. Maybe.
01:01:37Don't answer that door!
01:01:39But maybe it's him.
01:01:43Complimentary fruit basket.
01:01:45Oh, hi, Mr. and Miss O'Beef.
01:01:47I didn't think you were here.
01:01:49Uh, anyway, uh,
01:01:51complimentary fruit basket.
01:01:53Of course, you might not want it
01:01:55on account of your diet.
01:01:57By the way, you both look great.
01:01:59I've never seen such a dramatic weight loss.
01:02:01Uh, anyway,
01:02:03if you need anything, just give me a ring.
01:02:05Oh, uh,
01:02:07by the way, if you need any pillows,
01:02:09they're, uh, here in this closet.
01:02:11No!
01:02:13Oh!
01:02:15I see you've met
01:02:17Dr. Lisbon. Is he dead?
01:02:19No, of course not, you idiot.
01:02:21He's a professional hypnotist.
01:02:23He's helping us with our diet.
01:02:25He's in the trance right now.
01:02:27He sees everything we do, hears everything we say.
01:02:29He can see me now?
01:02:31Yes, and he's very angry at you
01:02:33because you pulled him from the closet
01:02:35when he was focusing his great powers.
01:02:37I'm sorry, Dr. Lisbon.
01:02:39I-I just wanted to get some pillows.
01:02:41Dr. Lisbon could help you
01:02:43just in the way he's helping us.
01:02:45Really? How?
01:02:47Talk to him.
01:02:49You see the door closed like this?
01:02:51He can hear you.
01:02:53Don't insult Dr. Lisbon.
01:02:55His power goes far beyond diet.
01:02:57Dr. Lisbon know all.
01:02:59We'll leave you alone with him.
01:03:01Come, quick.
01:03:03Uh...
01:03:05Dr. Lisbon,
01:03:07it's, uh,
01:03:09it's me, Tony.
01:03:11The bellhop?
01:03:13Uh, I'm not fat,
01:03:15but I've got a little brisitis
01:03:17on the right side of my shoulder.
01:03:19A lot of pain. Um...
01:03:23I don't hear him.
01:03:25Listen.
01:03:39There he is.
01:03:43We'll never catch him.
01:03:45I'll catch him.
01:03:47Police!
01:03:49Ooh.
01:03:51Hey.
01:03:53How close was I to that guy?
01:03:55Pretty close.
01:03:57I'm surprised you didn't nail him.
01:03:59Oh. Thank you.
01:04:01That was a pretty stupid thing to do.
01:04:03You could have killed him,
01:04:05and then we'd never find out what's going on.
01:04:07At least I tried.
01:04:09Well, it's too late now.
01:04:11We'll never get to train station by 11.30.
01:04:13Oh, yeah? Watch this.
01:04:15Taxi!
01:04:17Oh, police.
01:04:19Oh, my God.
01:04:21You all right?
01:04:23He's fine. He was just showing off.
01:04:25You are one lucky stiff, pal.
01:04:27Oh, yeah. I'm real lucky.
01:04:29Can you get us to train station by 11.30?
01:04:31For 100? Get in.
01:04:33Okay. Let's go.
01:04:35We'll never make it.
01:04:49All right, Mr. Bub.
01:04:51Give me at least $50 back.
01:04:53Sorry.
01:04:55Hey, folksy.
01:04:57How do we know he's the same one?
01:04:59Ah!
01:05:01Oh, good. He is here.
01:05:05Morris, it's him.
01:05:07Hey.
01:05:09Hey.
01:05:11Hey.
01:05:13Hey.
01:05:15Hey.
01:05:17Hey.
01:05:19He's going around the back. You cover the front.
01:05:21Hold it! Wait!
01:05:47Here he comes!
01:05:49Get him!
01:05:55Taxi!
01:06:01Boris!
01:06:03Where is Professor?
01:06:05I don't know.
01:06:09There he goes!
01:06:11What's that noise?
01:06:13I don't know.
01:06:15There he goes!
01:06:17Hey! Taxi!
01:06:25Driver, follow that scooter.
01:06:27Should have pulled the plug on that thing when I had the chance.
01:06:29Ah!
01:06:31Don't kill me, please.
01:06:33Wait, wait, wait.
01:06:35What the hell's going on? How are you doing in here?
01:06:37You are going to kill me. You are assassins.
01:06:39Don't be ridiculous. You are assassin.
01:06:41You are the one who killed Willy
01:06:43and left his body in our hotel room.
01:06:45I don't know any Willy. Oh, really?
01:06:47Well, then perhaps you can explain this.
01:06:49No. I've never seen it before.
01:06:51I've never seen you before.
01:06:53Who the hell are you anyway? Now, listen.
01:06:55We are asked to come find you here, and ever since we come to this country,
01:06:57people are shooting at us, bodies are dropping like flies,
01:06:59all because something to do with you.
01:07:01So, start talking, mister.
01:07:03I don't know what to say.
01:07:05Boris,
01:07:07he doesn't look like killer.
01:07:09What's that smell?
01:07:11Driver, stop the car!
01:07:13But why? Dynamite!
01:07:15Oh, no! I said stop the car!
01:07:17You killed him.
01:07:19Boris!
01:07:29Ah!
01:07:41What was that?
01:07:43We blew up!
01:07:49Did it happen again?
01:07:51Yes. We have to jump out.
01:07:55This is beginning to hurt.
01:07:57Jump!
01:07:59Jump!
01:08:11Marvelous! Absolutely magnificent!
01:08:15Never want to die again.
01:08:17It works!
01:08:19Can you believe it?
01:08:21Of course, I knew it would, but even so,
01:08:23this is the first true test
01:08:25under life-and-death conditions.
01:08:27You know,
01:08:29I'm really very proud.
01:08:31What the hell are you talking about?
01:08:35The chip!
01:08:37Yes, there it was at long last,
01:08:39the incredible time-reversing microchip
01:08:41that they didn't even know existed.
01:08:43He's incredible.
01:08:45We didn't even know it existed.
01:08:47And as they stood in the moonlight,
01:08:49Dr. Polovich explained all about it,
01:08:51how he had invented it,
01:08:53and about all the different people
01:08:55who were after it,
01:08:57including his own insane twin brother,
01:08:59who was rampaging around
01:09:01trying to kill anyone who got in his way.
01:09:03Well, our heroes were so impressed,
01:09:05they immediately vowed to join forces
01:09:07Unfortunately, he talked so long,
01:09:09he put them all to sleep.
01:09:11And they slept so soundly
01:09:13that not even the 515 from Yonkers
01:09:15could wake them up.
01:09:23He's gone!
01:09:25What? Professor Polovich!
01:09:27Why does this always have to happen?
01:09:37Boris, look!
01:09:45That's it? No clue?
01:09:47This is clue.
01:09:49Yes, it was clue.
01:09:51Lucky for them and lucky for us,
01:09:53the professor had the presence of mind
01:09:55to leave it just as he was being snatched away.
01:09:57And with one look at that penny,
01:09:59Natasha made the obvious conclusion.
01:10:01Oh, look, Boris.
01:10:03I feel just like you.
01:10:05Look, Boris.
01:10:07I feel just like we're in Alfred Hitchcock movie.
01:10:09Don't kid yourself.
01:10:11Here, look at this.
01:10:17East tunnel.
01:10:19East nasal passage. Come on!
01:10:35Come on!
01:10:53Boris!
01:10:55Shh!
01:11:05Shh!
01:11:13Boris, look.
01:11:15A secret laboratory.
01:11:17Good boy.
01:11:29You know what this is?
01:11:31It's dust-free room for making microchip.
01:11:33I knew that.
01:11:35Boris, look.
01:11:41It's Pennsylvania Bay.
01:11:45We don't have time for that, Poopsy. Come on!
01:11:47Get a load of this.
01:11:57Look.
01:11:59Must be hundreds.
01:12:03Look.
01:12:09He's mailing them all over the world.
01:12:11Help!
01:12:13Listen.
01:12:15I think there's someone in there.
01:12:21Hello?
01:12:23Hello?
01:12:25Poopsy, here.
01:12:27Dr. Polovich!
01:12:29Thank God you found me.
01:12:31Cut him down.
01:12:33Boris, don't talk to him. Cut him down.
01:12:35All right.
01:12:41Was not nice.
01:12:43I assumed he would tuck and roll.
01:12:45Not everyone is hung upside down as much as we are.
01:12:49How can I ever thank you?
01:12:51I assume you got my clue.
01:12:53The penny was brilliantly simple.
01:12:55Sure, sure. We made the connection right away.
01:12:57Come on.
01:13:01What is this place?
01:13:03This is my home, my secret laboratory.
01:13:05But who kidnapped you?
01:13:07Grigor.
01:13:09Your twin?
01:13:11Everybody thought he was dead,
01:13:13but he was too brilliant, too clever for them.
01:13:15And finally, when I...
01:13:17When he found me...
01:13:19Wait a minute. Where did you get these shoes?
01:13:23Hands up!
01:13:25What the hell?
01:13:27But what are you doing?
01:13:29Why?
01:13:37The resemblance is uncanny, don't you think?
01:13:43Ow!
01:13:45Anton?
01:13:47Who else?
01:13:49Come on. We got to get you out of here.
01:13:53Look, Grigor.
01:13:55You don't have to kill us.
01:13:57We could all go back to Pennsylvania together.
01:13:59You would get a hero's welcome.
01:14:01I'm not interested in a hero's welcome.
01:14:03I'm interested in money.
01:14:05Hundreds and millions of dollars.
01:14:07Do you know?
01:14:09Do you know what this idiot was doing?
01:14:11Mass-producing the time-reverse chip?
01:14:13What kind of stupid thing is that?
01:14:15That is a very interesting question.
01:14:17I realized at once
01:14:19the military implications
01:14:21of one nation could rule the world.
01:14:23I tried to destroy the chip,
01:14:25but it kept coming back, don't you see?
01:14:27So I decided I had to make more
01:14:29so that every country on Earth could have them.
01:14:31And think of the good.
01:14:33Why, it could end war.
01:14:35He was going to give them away.
01:14:37Do you believe it?
01:14:39Give them away!
01:14:41It's a good thing I found you in time to kill you.
01:14:43Yes, dear brother, kill you,
01:14:45so I can reemerge as you
01:14:47and claim the rewards I justly deserve
01:14:49as the inventor of the chip.
01:14:51You have nothing to do with it.
01:14:53And if you kill us,
01:14:55it will be on your head.
01:14:57I can live with that.
01:14:59Well, I can't.
01:15:01Neither can I.
01:15:03Quiet!
01:15:05God damn it!
01:15:07Drop the gun!
01:15:09Well, thanks to God you're here.
01:15:11This maniac was trying to kill us.
01:15:13Don't get your hopes up, kid.
01:15:15My plans for you aren't much brighter.
01:15:17All right.
01:15:19Hand over the chip.
01:15:21Excuse me, sir, please don't kill us.
01:15:23If you want the chip for your government,
01:15:25I'd be...
01:15:27No, you're wrong, doc.
01:15:29I'm not working for the government today.
01:15:31I'm working for the real power in America,
01:15:33the auto industry.
01:15:35Not to mention defense contracts
01:15:37and insurance companies.
01:15:39If this chip gets out,
01:15:41can you imagine what would happen
01:15:43to weapon sales and cars?
01:15:45What if there were never another car crash?
01:15:47Come on, wake up and smell the napalm.
01:15:49My people want this chip on ice for a couple of years
01:15:51till we can figure out some kind of strategy.
01:15:53That's immoral.
01:15:55So's car insurance, but you still pay for it.
01:15:57Drop the gun, Sheldon.
01:15:59Drop it or you're dead.
01:16:05Toots!
01:16:07Harvey!
01:16:09Also known as Agent Moose and Squirrel.
01:16:11Moose and Squirrel?
01:16:13Yes, your old adversaries.
01:16:15Surgically altered once again.
01:16:17Toots.
01:16:19I thought it was friend.
01:16:21Sorry, Tash, old kid,
01:16:23but this is business. You understand?
01:16:25So, you knew all along?
01:16:27Sure. Well, he was in with me
01:16:29till I found out he was a double agent.
01:16:31So you killed him?
01:16:33No, I thought you killed him.
01:16:35No, you didn't kill him.
01:16:37All right, all right, I killed him. Let's change the subject.
01:16:39To what? You and your genius?
01:16:41He's just trying to bring the conversation back to himself.
01:16:43He does it all the time.
01:16:45I really killed him.
01:16:47Why is everyone so stupid?
01:16:49Look, I was pretending to be Anton.
01:16:51When you surprised me when you came back to the room,
01:16:53when I came back to the room to find the train schedule
01:16:55Willie had taken from me in the scuffle when I killed him
01:16:57because he'd followed me to the hotel
01:16:59where I had followed you, if you follow me.
01:17:01After Willie had killed Minnelli,
01:17:03who was talking to you about Willie.
01:17:05No, no, about Anton.
01:17:07No, where was I?
01:17:09Wait a minute.
01:17:11So who shot up our apartment?
01:17:13I did.
01:17:15Oh, you're a real fun guy, aren't you?
01:17:17All right, that's enough.
01:17:21Drop the gun.
01:17:23Fearless leader.
01:17:25Shut your mouth.
01:17:27Everybody in the force, especially you two.
01:17:29But fearless leader.
01:17:31Quiet.
01:17:33Well, well, it's been a long time, Felix.
01:17:35Suez 62, wasn't it?
01:17:37Shut up about that.
01:17:39No, here is the microchip.
01:17:41You were only using us.
01:17:43Of course.
01:17:45I had the chance to be
01:17:47the most powerful man in the world.
01:17:49And get rid of you too,
01:17:51all at the same time.
01:17:53It would have worked too
01:17:55if this cretin hadn't shot my best assassin.
01:18:01I'm sorry, Krigar,
01:18:03to ruin your ingenious little plan.
01:18:07You've made me a very wealthy man.
01:18:11It's a pity none of you
01:18:13will live to witness it.
01:18:17Where is the head of Kiev?
01:18:19Oh, shut up.
01:18:29Drive him, Boris.
01:18:33Get off my bus, you idiot.
01:18:37You do what I say.
01:18:39I told you we'd be fine.
01:18:51Don't anybody move.
01:19:09What do we do now, Boris?
01:19:11You got a light?
01:19:17Boris.
01:19:19I was saving this for a rainy day.
01:19:21Heads up, everybody.
01:19:23No!
01:19:25No!
01:19:39No!
01:19:53Boris.
01:19:55Boris.
01:19:57Boris.
01:19:59Speak to me, Boris.
01:20:03Get leg off chest.
01:20:05Boris, darling, thank God you're safe.
01:20:09Oh, no.
01:20:11Look, darling, look.
01:20:13We are in Valoon.
01:20:15You got kidding.
01:20:17Look.
01:20:19He's brought that back.
01:20:21An egg of Kiev.
01:20:23Boris, it was chips.
01:20:25You blew us all the way back
01:20:27to beginning of movie.
01:20:29Did? Oh, yeah, I did.
01:20:31Pretty good plan, huh, poopsie?
01:20:35Hello?
01:20:37Polarich!
01:20:39What the hell are you doing here?
01:20:41That is an interesting question.
01:20:43Some kind of overload, I should think.
01:20:45Wait a minute. We got to figure out what is going on here.
01:20:47We are in Valoon.
01:20:49We have egg.
01:20:51And not one thing has happened yet.
01:20:53Okey-dokey.
01:20:55So now we go back to Pots...
01:20:57Oh, no. What?
01:20:59If we know what's going to happen,
01:21:01then so does fearless leader.
01:21:03What we do?
01:21:05What we can do.
01:21:09We go to Tahiti.
01:21:13Boris, darling.
01:21:23Wait a minute.
01:21:25Are there only two of them?
01:21:27Yes, colonel Gordon.
01:21:29For a moment I thought I saw three.
01:21:31Oh, by the way,
01:21:33I never really got your names.
01:21:35Oh, permit me to introduce myself.
01:21:37I'm Boris Badenov,
01:21:39and this is my...
01:21:41my girlfriend,
01:21:43Natasha Fetal.
01:22:01And so they went to Tahiti.
01:22:05Unfortunately, it was monsoon season
01:22:07and most of the residents were in the process
01:22:09of evacuating the island,
01:22:11but Boris and Natasha didn't care.
01:22:13They were safe, they were together,
01:22:15and things were back to normal.
01:22:17Hey, poofy!
01:22:21Professor Polovich spent his days
01:22:23indulging his lifelong dream
01:22:25of staging an all-sand crab version
01:22:27of the musical Camelot,
01:22:29while Boris and Natasha took long, leisurely strolls
01:22:31on the beach, safe and secure
01:22:33for the first time in their lives.
01:22:35But were they?
01:22:37If they remembered what had happened,
01:22:39then didn't they realize that everyone else would too?
01:22:41For instance, what about Anton's evil brother Krigor?
01:22:43Could he still be lurking about?
01:22:45And did they really think that Fearless Leader
01:22:47wouldn't come after them?
01:22:49Time had been reversed, so Agent X would still be alive.
01:22:51What?
01:22:53And what about Moose? Squirrel?
01:22:55Kaufman? What about Jose?
01:22:57Minelli?
01:22:59Kalashak?
01:23:01What about Telly Savalas? What's he been doing lately?
01:23:03And who the hell is this guy?
01:23:05The answers to these questions didn't seem to matter to them.
01:23:07Were they really so naive?
01:23:09Were they really so unaware that they thought
01:23:11they could hide in Tahiti forever?
01:23:13Did they think that no one could follow them?
01:23:15Did they think they could just sit there?
01:23:17Ah, shut up!
01:23:19Well, be with us next time
01:23:21for Goodbye, Mr. Chip,
01:23:23or the Megabyte's Back!
01:23:27Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:23:29Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:23:31Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:23:33Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:23:35Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:23:37Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:23:39Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:23:41Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:23:43Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:23:45Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:23:47Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:23:49Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:23:51Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:23:53Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:23:55Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:23:57Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
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01:24:01Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
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01:24:07Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:09Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:11Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:13Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:15Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:17Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:19Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:21Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:23Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:25Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:27Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:29Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:31Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:33Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:35Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:37Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:39Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:41Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:43Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:45Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:47Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:49Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:51Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:53Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:24:55Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
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01:25:01Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:03Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:05Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:07Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:09Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:11Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:13Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:15Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:17Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:19Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:21Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:23Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:25Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:27Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:29Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:31Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:33Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:35Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
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01:25:39Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:41Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:43Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:45Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
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01:25:51Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:53Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:25:55Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
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01:25:59Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:01Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:03Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:05Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:07Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:09Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:11Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
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01:26:15Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:17Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:19Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:21Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
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01:26:25Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:27Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:29Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:31Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:33Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:35Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:37Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:39Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:41Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:43Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:45Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:47Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:49Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:51Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:53Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:55Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:57Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:26:59Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:01Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:03Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:05Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:07Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:09Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:11Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:13Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:15Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:17Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:19Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:21Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:23Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:25Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:27Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:29Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:31Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:33Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:35Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:37Goodbye, Mr. Chip!
01:27:39Goodbye, Mr. Chip!