In this mock-documentary, John Cleese narrates a series of sketches on irritation -- types and techniques. Included are parents irritating their children, old ladies irritating movie-goers in a theater, an overly subservient waiter, a car repairman denying obvious car trouble, a party guest hinting for a ride, airplane pilots playing practical jokes on their passenger
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Ladies and gentlemen, John Cleese!
00:00:07Thank you, thank you.
00:00:16See, I'm getting to you already.
00:00:23Now, tonight, we're going to take a look at how to irritate people.
00:00:27At life.
00:00:29We can't, of course, hope to be comprehensive,
00:00:32so just look on this as a refresher course,
00:00:34a few hints on how to help people to become more neurotic.
00:00:38Now, if you want to irritate people purely for pleasure,
00:00:42one fundamental rule must be observed.
00:00:45Never push them too far.
00:00:47If you do go too far, they will explode into anger,
00:00:51shouting, stamping, becoming abusive and so forth,
00:00:54which releases all the tensions and frustrations that we've carefully built up.
00:00:59And we don't want to do that, do we?
00:01:01With a little skill and tact,
00:01:03we can keep those very same tensions bottled up inside them for weeks, months, who knows?
00:01:08Eventually, you may induce a nervous breakdown,
00:01:11or better still, actual damage to the brain cells.
00:01:15So, to avoid this explosion of anger,
00:01:18whatever you're doing to irritate someone should seem to be unintentional.
00:01:22And the great masters of this art are parents.
00:01:39You don't want to watch this, do you, Malcolm?
00:01:41Yes, I'd like to, if you don't mind, Dad.
00:01:44How about my favourite daughter-in-law?
00:01:47You don't want to watch this, do you, Pamela?
00:01:49Please, Dad.
00:01:50We'd both like to watch it, if you don't mind, Dad.
00:01:52It's only half an hour.
00:01:53Well, I've got plenty to do.
00:01:55I'll go and get dinner ready.
00:01:57Well, there's that very good quiz show that you like.
00:02:00No, we'd rather watch this, Dad.
00:02:02It's the only thing we really want to see this evening, if you don't mind.
00:02:05No, no, I don't mind. I don't mind.
00:02:10What is it?
00:02:11It's the last episode of Tale of Two Cities.
00:02:14Well, it's one of those costume things.
00:02:18That's right, Dad.
00:02:19Whoa.
00:02:21Don't know what you want to watch this for.
00:02:24It's a costume thing.
00:02:26You don't want to watch a costume thing, do you, Pamela?
00:02:30Please, Dad.
00:02:31Whoa.
00:02:33Wouldn't have thought you two wanted to watch a costume thing, would you?
00:02:38Wouldn't have thought you two wanted to watch a costume thing, would you?
00:02:42Whoa.
00:03:06Whoa, it doesn't hit much, does it?
00:03:09Whoa, it's a morbid sort of thing, isn't it?
00:03:11Don't know what you want to watch this for.
00:03:13I'm going to read the playmat.
00:03:17Dad, please.
00:03:18Oh, I read this playmat.
00:03:20I'd better read the other one.
00:03:23Don't know what anyone sees in those costume things.
00:03:27I don't know.
00:03:28Dad, please.
00:03:38Pamela, have you seen my blue cardigan, dear?
00:03:45Have you, Malcolm?
00:03:48What?
00:03:49Have you seen my blue cardigan, dear?
00:03:53No.
00:03:54Oh.
00:03:55Why didn't you ask Dad?
00:03:57He's reading the paper, dear.
00:04:00Oh, I don't know what they want to watch this for.
00:04:03Depressing.
00:04:05Costume thing.
00:04:07I'm going to read the playmat.
00:04:09Don't talk when they're watching television, dear.
00:04:13I wasn't talking.
00:04:14Yes, you were.
00:04:15Oh, I only said I didn't know what they wanted to watch this for.
00:04:18Then I said I'd read the playmat.
00:04:20It's very irritating having people talking when you're trying to watch television.
00:04:27Yes, it is.
00:04:28See?
00:04:29He likes these costume things.
00:04:32Don't you, Malcolm, dear?
00:04:34Oh, that's a lot of rubbish, if you ask me.
00:04:41What are you doing?
00:04:43I'm only doing the great dither.
00:04:50Malcolm!
00:04:52You mustn't have it up that loud, dear.
00:04:55This is typical here.
00:04:58I wish we could.
00:04:59Turn it down, Malcolm.
00:05:01I can't hear.
00:05:03Do as your mother says, Malcolm.
00:05:05You don't want to upset her now, do you?
00:05:07Won't be a moment.
00:05:23Dad, what are you doing?
00:05:24I'm making pipe lighters.
00:05:26No need to waste money on matches.
00:05:29Well, please, can you do it quietly?
00:05:34Those of us who've lived through the 30s
00:05:39will know that money doesn't grow on trees.
00:05:48Oh, please, Dad, we want to listen.
00:05:51I'm only saving money.
00:05:58You won't let me.
00:06:01You won't let me.
00:06:05You won't let me.
00:06:07Malcolm, anything.
00:06:09Peas?
00:06:10Yes.
00:06:12They're frozen.
00:06:15Oh, potatoes.
00:06:18Yes.
00:06:20We haven't got any mint, you know.
00:06:22Oh.
00:06:24No mint.
00:06:27Malcolm.
00:06:29We haven't got any mint, dear.
00:06:32Would you prefer the chicken?
00:06:35Anything.
00:06:36Peas?
00:06:37Oh, shut up!
00:06:38Oh!
00:06:40Oh!
00:06:41Oh, Malcolm, you're so underspoken to your mother like that, Malcolm.
00:06:47She kept on talking.
00:06:50I was only asking you what you wanted for your dinner.
00:06:55Oh, you better go and have a word with her, Malcolm.
00:06:58I'll go.
00:06:59No, you go, Malcolm.
00:07:00You did it.
00:07:02Now, look, Malcolm.
00:07:04You've made your mother cry now.
00:07:06You've upset her.
00:07:08Now, you go and have a word with her.
00:07:10I want to watch this.
00:07:12Come on, Malcolm.
00:07:13Your mother comes first, Malcolm.
00:07:17Come on.
00:07:27Ah.
00:07:28I like an ice cream shell.
00:07:30And you have won a monogrammed ice cube.
00:07:38Now...
00:07:40Now, there, the father used irritation to achieve a purpose,
00:07:44but there is a particular type of middle-aged woman
00:07:47who uses irritation as a way of life.
00:07:50It's the only thing she's really good at.
00:07:52She's roughly this shape.
00:07:55Like a pepper pot.
00:07:57There's a couple of them over there.
00:07:59Yoo-hoo!
00:08:01Ah!
00:08:03A pepper pot's life's ambition
00:08:05is to be in the audience at a quiz show.
00:08:07She has to be found in shopping areas,
00:08:09blocking the pavement, tormenting babies, spreading rumours
00:08:13and spending a fortune on bargains.
00:08:15She enjoys worrying and being shocked.
00:08:18Individually, she is intolerable.
00:08:20In a group, horrific.
00:08:22Here's a squadron of them in a cinema
00:08:25irritating a bona fide cinema girl.
00:08:30First, they react in certain organised ways.
00:08:34Ooh!
00:08:36Ah!
00:08:38The way I never...
00:08:41Ooh!
00:08:43Ah!
00:08:44The way I never...
00:08:46Ooh!
00:08:48The way I never...
00:08:50Shh!
00:08:51Ooh!
00:08:52The way I never...
00:08:55Then, they commentate on the film.
00:08:59Ooh, look, he's going to the cupboard!
00:09:01Yes, he's going to the cupboard!
00:09:03He's going to the cupboard!
00:09:04Ooh, he's going to open it!
00:09:06He's opening the cupboard!
00:09:07He's opening it, all right!
00:09:09He's opened it!
00:09:11What's he going to do?
00:09:12Ooh!
00:09:13He's gone in!
00:09:14Yes, he's gone in the cupboard!
00:09:15He's gone in the cupboard!
00:09:16Ooh, look at this hat!
00:09:17It's a green hat!
00:09:18Green hat, green hat!
00:09:19He went in the cupboard, all right!
00:09:22Ooh!
00:09:23Ooh, ooh!
00:09:24It's not a cupboard!
00:09:26It's a fire station!
00:09:28Fire station!
00:09:29Fire station!
00:09:30Fire station!
00:09:32That's why the door was red!
00:09:34Shh!
00:09:35Ooh!
00:09:36The way I never...
00:09:38Next, they get carried away by details.
00:09:43Ooh!
00:09:44Who's that?
00:09:46That's Moses!
00:09:48He was famous!
00:09:50Ooh!
00:09:51Look at his nose!
00:09:53Ooh!
00:09:54Hasn't he got a big nose?
00:09:55Ooh, hasn't he got a big nose?
00:09:56Can he can smell?
00:09:57Ooh!
00:09:59Ooh, isn't it big?
00:10:01Who is he?
00:10:02Charlton Hitler!
00:10:04No, he was that German!
00:10:05What German?
00:10:06Hitler!
00:10:07Hitler didn't have a big nose!
00:10:09No, it looked like Mr. Gould in the supermarket!
00:10:11And their heads had gone up!
00:10:13I didn't know Mr. Gould was a German!
00:10:15Shh!
00:10:16Ooh!
00:10:17The way I never...
00:10:20And finally, they have a devastating reaction to certain jokes.
00:10:27Now, just read this card, will you please?
00:10:30Yes, Doctor.
00:10:31B-N-F-M-Q-E.
00:10:34Yes.
00:10:36It's from my aunt in Brighton.
00:10:37She must be out of her mind.
00:10:40Now, are you having any other trouble?
00:10:42Yes, Doctor.
00:10:43I have to make frequent use of the bedpan.
00:10:45Ooh!
00:10:46Bedpan!
00:10:47Bedpan!
00:10:48Bedpan!
00:10:49Bedpan!
00:10:50Bedpan!
00:10:51Bedpan!
00:10:52Bedpan!
00:10:53Bedpan!
00:10:54Bedpan!
00:10:55Bedpan!
00:10:56Bedpan!
00:10:57Bedpan!
00:10:58Bedpan!
00:10:59Bedpan!
00:11:00Bedpan!
00:11:01Bedpan!
00:11:02Bedpan!
00:11:03These ladies are effective, but they're not very subtle.
00:11:06It's quite obvious what they're up to.
00:11:08It's like, for example, going to a football game
00:11:11and cheering for a team that isn't playing,
00:11:13or wearing fancy dress at a funeral,
00:11:15or setting fire to Julie Andrews.
00:11:18It's irritating, but it's obvious.
00:11:21It's more satisfying if you can irritate somebody
00:11:24by pretending to be considerate.
00:11:34Comfortable?
00:11:35Yes, thank you.
00:11:37You're not cold, are you?
00:11:39No.
00:11:40Ah.
00:11:41You're not too hot?
00:11:43No, I'm fine.
00:11:44Sure?
00:11:45Yes.
00:11:46You would say if you were?
00:11:49Yes, I would.
00:11:51Promise?
00:11:52Yes, I promise.
00:11:55Only there's no point in saying you are just to please me.
00:11:58No, I promise.
00:12:00Only there's no point in saying you are just to please me.
00:12:03No, honestly, I'm fine.
00:12:05Oh, good.
00:12:08You wouldn't prefer to go somewhere else?
00:12:11No.
00:12:12Quite sure?
00:12:13Yes.
00:12:14You've only got to give the word and we'll go.
00:12:16No, really, I like it here.
00:12:18Super, absolutely super.
00:12:20Marvellous.
00:12:21Terrific.
00:12:23You wouldn't prefer to sit over there?
00:12:25No.
00:12:26Only it's free now?
00:12:27No.
00:12:28There you are.
00:12:29No, really.
00:12:30Oh, OK.
00:12:33Look, would you like to change places with me?
00:12:36No.
00:12:37Because I don't mind.
00:12:38Look, we'll change places if you want to.
00:12:41No, really.
00:12:42Look, I'll tell you what.
00:12:43I'll go and get another chair and sit there
00:12:45and then you can either sit here or where you are now
00:12:47and it won't affect me, OK?
00:12:48No.
00:12:54Or would you prefer to sit here?
00:12:56No.
00:12:57What do you say?
00:12:58Look, I'm happy here and I'm not moving.
00:13:02If I got another chair, we could both sit that side.
00:13:06Oh dear, now you're angry.
00:13:07No, I'm not.
00:13:09Is it because I've been fussing you too much?
00:13:11No.
00:13:12Honestly?
00:13:13Honestly.
00:13:14You're sure I'm not fussing you?
00:13:15Yes.
00:13:19You know what I think?
00:13:21What?
00:13:22I think you're angry with me because I made you sit there.
00:13:25No, I am not.
00:13:28Sure?
00:13:29Yes.
00:13:30Well, I'll...
00:13:35Afraid I'm not very good company tonight.
00:13:38No, it's me. I'm on edge.
00:13:40No, no, you're marvellous.
00:13:42You're really super.
00:13:44It's me.
00:13:45Look, let's forget it.
00:13:49I'm not good company.
00:13:50You are.
00:13:51I'm not.
00:13:52I've been fussing you.
00:13:53It's all right.
00:13:54I have been fussing you.
00:13:56It's my own fault you told me last time about fussing you too much.
00:13:59Please.
00:14:02Look, am I fussing you too much?
00:14:03A bit.
00:14:07Do you want to go?
00:14:08No.
00:14:09Shall I go?
00:14:10No.
00:14:11Shall we both go?
00:14:12Or stay?
00:14:13Or either one of us could go or stay separately or together.
00:14:15It's up to you.
00:14:16Oh.
00:14:17Oh dear, now you're angry again.
00:14:18I'm not.
00:14:19You are.
00:14:20I'm not.
00:14:21You are.
00:14:22I'll keep quiet.
00:14:24Happy?
00:14:25Yes.
00:14:26Comfortable?
00:14:27Yes.
00:14:28Sure?
00:14:29Yes.
00:14:30Do you want to change places?
00:14:31Shall we go somewhere else?
00:14:32Really?
00:14:33Yes.
00:14:34Shall I get another chair?
00:14:35Am I fussing you too much?
00:14:36Yes!
00:14:40Phew, I thought she'd never go.
00:14:48There are several methods of irritating people at neighbouring tables.
00:14:52The best involves talking very loudly and dropping names, places and things.
00:14:57Make these as big as possible.
00:14:59Try, um...
00:15:00So, we dropped Lizzie and Phil off at Backhouse,
00:15:03got in Bing's Boeing and nipped over to Paul's place in Rome.
00:15:08Incidentally, if someone does this to you,
00:15:10simply wait for a suitable pause and then clap enthusiastically.
00:15:15Follow this up if necessary with demands for autographs.
00:15:19But those in the best position to irritate in restaurants are the managers themselves.
00:15:24Either they refuse you entry because you have no tie or jacket
00:15:28or because your shoes don't match your pocket handkerchief.
00:15:32The best way to deal with this is to take an ordinary fork off one of the tables
00:15:35and place the prongs of the fork about three-eighths of an inch inside the manager's eyeball.
00:15:41Or else they hover round your table,
00:15:44changing clean ashtrays and grovelling for praise and attention,
00:15:48which is almost as bad.
00:15:50In this case, good results can sometimes be obtained by ignoring the groveller.
00:16:04Good evening, madame. Good evening, monsieur.
00:16:06Oh, dear!
00:16:07I'm sorry, I should have welcomed you, madame, first.
00:16:09Don't offence you, sir.
00:16:11I am so stupid. Let me take your coat.
00:16:14We don't have any coats.
00:16:15Oh! Oh! That was no reflection on your dignity.
00:16:18Why, indeed, should you have coats in this day and age?
00:16:20That's what I am thinking.
00:16:22But let me take something. Let me take your tie. I will have it pressed.
00:16:25Not that it is greased.
00:16:26But I will have it pressed.
00:16:27Let me place your suit.
00:16:29Oh, dear! I'm neglecting your ladyship.
00:16:31Her ladyship is looking radiant tonight.
00:16:33Oh, dear! What have I said?
00:16:35Her ladyship always looks radiant.
00:16:37Such a fool am I.
00:16:39I could kick myself.
00:16:40I will kick myself.
00:16:43Oh, dear! Now, what am I doing?
00:16:45I'm so full of attitude that I have not set you down.
00:16:47Please do sit down, good majesty.
00:16:49Oh, dear!
00:16:51Your ladyship here, the chair is very clean.
00:16:53My staff have been licking it clean all day long.
00:16:56Is it clean enough?
00:16:57If not, I'll lick it clean myself.
00:16:59Allow me.
00:17:00Good, good, good.
00:17:02Sitting down? Very good.
00:17:04Very good.
00:17:07My lord, is your chair...
00:17:09Oh, la, la!
00:17:10There is dust on it.
00:17:11Can't see it.
00:17:12Don't touch. Don't touch.
00:17:14Can't see it. There is dust on this chair.
00:17:19Take it out and burn it away.
00:17:21But first, unwrap a new chair.
00:17:23Give it to my lord here.
00:17:24Oh, my lord.
00:17:25You are beating a pigsty.
00:17:27Excuse me while I punish myself.
00:17:35Here is your new chair, my lord.
00:17:37Wonderful to be sitting.
00:17:39Sitting comfortably.
00:17:41Lovely.
00:17:42Good, good, good.
00:17:43And now, voila, the menus.
00:17:55Oh, my toes.
00:17:58My thighs.
00:18:00My legs.
00:18:01My toes.
00:18:03My thighs.
00:18:08Oh!
00:18:09What am I doing? What have I done?
00:18:11I have given the princess a menu the wrong way up.
00:18:14Oh!
00:18:19Would you recommend the grass chicken curry?
00:18:22Oh, yes, it is wonderful.
00:18:24But for you, it will be...
00:18:27Is that hot?
00:18:28Yes, yes, very hot.
00:18:29I don't want it too hot.
00:18:30No, not too hot.
00:18:31No, no, not hot at all.
00:18:32It's extremely cool.
00:18:33Oh, only I want it medium.
00:18:35Medium, that's what it is.
00:18:37Very, very extremely medium.
00:18:39Medium beyond belief.
00:18:41What?
00:18:42The thing I told you that it was hot.
00:18:45Your Grace, let me wash your feet.
00:18:47No, thank you.
00:18:48Aye, let me lick them then.
00:18:51Oh!
00:18:52I'm neglecting her imperial highness.
00:18:55Oh!
00:18:56Oh!
00:18:57Oh!
00:18:58There is no napkin for her highness.
00:19:02There was no napkin.
00:19:06Oh!
00:19:07What a baboon I am.
00:19:10What a fiend.
00:19:11What a festering scab I am.
00:19:14Please, do stab me with your fork, your majesty.
00:19:17That's just one grass chicken curry.
00:19:19Then, I must be slow made alive.
00:19:21First the brandy, then set fire to me celestial being.
00:19:25I must be punished.
00:19:27But also, I shall be delicious.
00:19:30And I would like to pour some, sir.
00:19:32Then, I must flambe myself.
00:19:34First the fork.
00:19:35Ah!
00:19:41Open the oven, jam seed.
00:19:43I must jump inside.
00:19:45Oh!
00:19:50The food may not be too good, but the atmosphere is different.
00:19:58In sincerity, a politician saying, my friends.
00:20:02The inland revenue saying, we remain, sir, your obedient servants.
00:20:07The telephone service saying, sorry you've been troubled.
00:20:11A policeman saying, merry Christmas.
00:20:14Yes, insincerity is a powerful irritant.
00:20:17And a major weapon in the armory of nature's liars, salesmen.
00:20:28Good.
00:20:39Ah!
00:20:40Hello, Mr. Harris. How are you?
00:20:42Fine, thank-you.
00:20:43Is Mrs. Harris keeping well, is she?
00:20:44Yes, she's very well.
00:20:45Lovely weather, isn't it?
00:20:46Yes.
00:20:47Well, if you don't mind, I've got to nip off down there.
00:20:49Well, I brought the car in.
00:20:50Oh, the car. Lovely model, lovely model.
00:20:51Never any trouble with those.
00:20:52I don't know why they've stopped making them.
00:20:54Well, I have had some trouble with it.
00:20:55Never. Never any trouble.
00:20:56If you have any trouble, I'll bring it in.
00:20:58Look, I have had some trouble, and I have brought it in.
00:21:00Will you have a look at it?
00:21:02Well, it's a bit difficult at the moment.
00:21:03You see, everyone's off at lunch.
00:21:05Would you like to call, make an appointment?
00:21:06Well, I have called several times,
00:21:08and the moment I give my name, they hang up.
00:21:10Yes, well, we've been having a lot of trouble with the phones, you see.
00:21:13I've been trying to call you myself.
00:21:14Look, just come and have a look at it.
00:21:18Well, the mechanic's off at lunch.
00:21:19That's the real trouble.
00:21:21Look, I just want you to come and take a quick look at it now.
00:21:24Right, old squire, you say the word.
00:21:26Lead the way.
00:21:26Right.
00:21:31Mr. Gibson.
00:21:35Ha! There you are.
00:21:37Right, let's have a look at the lovely...
00:21:39After you.
00:21:39Lovely model, this.
00:21:41Never any trouble with these.
00:21:43Not one single complaint about these have I had.
00:21:46Mrs. Hattie's keeping well, is she?
00:21:49The gear lever is loose.
00:21:50No. No, no, no, no, no.
00:21:52The gear lever is loose.
00:21:54Look at it.
00:21:55Oh, well, you're waggling it, aren't you?
00:21:57All right, you do it.
00:22:04It is loose.
00:22:10Oh, well, your gear lever's loose, isn't it?
00:22:13That's where your trouble is.
00:22:15I can't get into third half of the time.
00:22:17Well, you must expect teething troubles in these new models.
00:22:21Best gearbox made.
00:22:22Well, why can't I get into third, then?
00:22:24Well, give it time, give it time.
00:22:25Precision gearbox.
00:22:26Bound to stick a little in third.
00:22:29Sign of top quality.
00:22:31You're in trouble, though.
00:22:32Bring it in.
00:22:33Look, I have had trouble and I have brought it in.
00:22:35Top-class gearbox, this.
00:22:36The best.
00:22:40Anyway, I'll get the mechanic to screw this back on.
00:22:42Lovely seeing you, though, Mr. Harris.
00:22:44Lovely seeing you.
00:22:45And the back door falls off.
00:22:47No. No, no, no, no, no.
00:22:50The back door falls off.
00:22:52No. No, no, no.
00:22:56Oh, it's a grip-safe door, isn't it?
00:22:59You're not using it right.
00:23:01Give me the copy of the manual to know any more trouble.
00:23:03Nice to see you, Mr. Harris.
00:23:04And the brakes slip badly.
00:23:06Don't tell me that.
00:23:08I'm a brake man.
00:23:09They are dangerous.
00:23:10They slip.
00:23:11Well, they are new.
00:23:12They do not stop the car.
00:23:16Stopped, isn't it?
00:23:19Look, I'll get in.
00:23:20You push.
00:23:21All right.
00:23:26All right?
00:23:27All right.
00:23:39There, I must push him for all his work.
00:23:40Brakes on.
00:23:41That's interesting.
00:23:42Yeah, yeah.
00:23:43I didn't have the brakes on.
00:23:47Well, the wheels are stiff, aren't they?
00:23:49They're brand new.
00:23:51Look, you get in.
00:23:53I'll push.
00:23:57Right.
00:23:58Handbrake off.
00:24:21Tell you what, bring it in.
00:24:23We'll have a look at it.
00:24:31You see, it isn't inefficiency itself that is so irritating.
00:24:35It's the refusal to admit inefficiency.
00:24:38Mr. Graham Chapman recently had trouble with his telephone.
00:24:41He complained to the telephone supervisor that over a period of six weeks,
00:24:45his telephone had been out of order about four days in each week,
00:24:49despite at least five visits from the telephone engineers.
00:24:52She explained that the trouble was that, quote,
00:24:56there are too many people on this island.
00:25:00Presumably, the plans for an improved telephone service
00:25:03include deportation of selected subscribers,
00:25:06or even this.
00:25:09I have come to improve the telephone service.
00:25:14We get the same sort of treatment from banks.
00:25:17The bank manager himself irritates people by writing to them.
00:25:20Immediately, they owe the bank fourpence.
00:25:23I advise you, if you've had this trouble in the past, but are now in credit,
00:25:27to write to your own bank manager,
00:25:29pointing out that he owes you money,
00:25:31and would he please drop in and have a word with you about it?
00:25:34The banks themselves, though, are in the business of making money.
00:25:38So when they get hold of yours,
00:25:40so when they get hold of yours,
00:25:42they make it as difficult as possible for you to get any of it back.
00:25:45To this end, they open just after you arrive at work,
00:25:48and close two hours before you leave.
00:25:51And should you sacrifice your lunch hour
00:25:54to join the angry queue in the street outside,
00:25:56don't blame the single cashier on duty for the slowness of the service.
00:26:00After all, the cleverer cashiers are out at lunch.
00:26:04In this way, banking hours have been carefully tailored
00:26:07to the needs of two classes of persons,
00:26:10the unemployed and bank robbers.
00:26:13Actually, the increase in the number of bank robbers in Britain
00:26:17is not as horrifying as it sounds.
00:26:19It is now known that over 70% of them
00:26:22are only frustrated customers trying to get at their money.
00:26:25Yes, banks are maddeningly greedy.
00:26:28But to some of the more eccentric professions,
00:26:32money isn't everything.
00:26:34We all know what actors are after.
00:26:37I had to come and see you, love.
00:26:40I don't give praise easily, but I had to see you.
00:26:43You were wonderful tonight, love.
00:26:45Oh, thank you, thank you very much.
00:26:47No, no, really, I mean it. You were fantastic.
00:26:50Oh, thank you.
00:26:52No, I mean, you sang, you sang like a thing possessed.
00:26:57Thank you, you're very kind.
00:27:01I thought, I thought the whole show went...
00:27:07went very well tonight.
00:27:09Yes, yes, most satisfying.
00:27:17I thought, I thought everyone, everyone...
00:27:21came over well.
00:27:23Yes, yes, quite well.
00:27:27I was quite happy.
00:27:30I was quite happy with the way I...
00:27:33You know, I thought, I thought...
00:27:36What?
00:27:37My bits seemed, you know...
00:27:39What?
00:27:40Oh, no, no, no. I mean, your bits were absolutely marvellous.
00:27:44I mean, you were but the bee's knees, but...
00:27:47But they did seem to quite like.
00:27:50Oh, thank you.
00:27:52Oh, thank you.
00:27:54But they did seem to quite like.
00:27:56What?
00:27:59Well...
00:28:02Me.
00:28:03Oh, you.
00:28:05Yes.
00:28:06Yes, well, actually.
00:28:07Yes.
00:28:08I thought your performance was quite adequate.
00:28:11Oh, you bitch!
00:28:15APPLAUSE
00:28:20You see, praise is one of the hardest things to get out of people,
00:28:24which is why angling for it is such an effective irritant.
00:28:27Women try to force praise out of us by insulting themselves.
00:28:31I'm sorry, the place is in such a terrible mess.
00:28:34Forcing the reply, oh, not at all, it's looking beautiful.
00:28:37Actually, a better reply is, oh, not at all, I enjoy a little squalor.
00:28:42Of course, our pepper pots don't have to angle for praise or even money
00:28:46in order to irritate us.
00:28:48They irritate whatever they're after.
00:28:51And could we please have the next contender?
00:28:54And here we are.
00:28:56No, no, here we are.
00:28:58Ha, ha, ha.
00:29:00Jolly good. Jolly good. What's your name?
00:29:02Teddy?
00:29:03No, no, that's my name. What's your name?
00:29:05Morris.
00:29:06Ah, Mrs Morris. Jolly good, Mrs Morris.
00:29:08And what's your Christian name?
00:29:10I'm a Methodist, Eamon.
00:29:12Teddy.
00:29:13Teddy, I'm a Methodist.
00:29:14Jolly good, Mrs Morris. And what's your first name?
00:29:17Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:29:19I see. And what particular prize do you have your eye on tonight?
00:29:23I'd like the battleship, Ethel.
00:29:25And why do you want the battleship?
00:29:27I don't know.
00:29:28Jolly good.
00:29:29I'm 92!
00:29:31Well done, Mrs Morris. Well done.
00:29:34No, no, we have the question.
00:29:36I'm 96!
00:29:38Well, that's wonderful, Mrs Morris. That's absolutely...
00:29:40I'm 103!
00:29:42Yes, well...
00:29:43Today!
00:29:44Yes, that's absolutely...
00:29:45I've won over 7,000 children!
00:29:47That's absolutely wonderful, Mrs Morris. Jolly good.
00:29:50And now we have the first question.
00:29:52Do I get the battleship?
00:29:53No, no, you have to answer the question first.
00:29:55Now, Mrs Morris.
00:29:57I'm over here.
00:29:58Ah, I've got you there, Teddy. Jolly good.
00:30:00Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:30:02Now, Mrs Morris, the first question is...
00:30:05The first letter of the alphabet.
00:30:10The first letter of the alphabet.
00:30:14The first letter of the al...
00:30:15Al, al, al, al, al, al, al, al, al...
00:30:20O!
00:30:21No, no, no, no.
00:30:22Alphabet.
00:30:23Alphabet.
00:30:24Alphabet.
00:30:25B!
00:30:26No. Nearly, nearly.
00:30:27Um, C!
00:30:29No.
00:30:30B!
00:30:31No, no, no, no. Back, back, back, back.
00:30:32No, no, come here.
00:30:34Come on, back with the letters, Mrs. Morris.
00:30:37C. Yes.
00:30:38B. Yes.
00:30:40Q. No, no, Mrs...
00:30:42Mrs. Morris.
00:30:43Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:30:45Mrs. Morris, what do horses eat?
00:30:48Meat. No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:30:50Other horses. No, no, no.
00:30:51Horses, Mrs. Morris. What do horses eat?
00:30:55Lobsters. No, no, Mrs. Morris.
00:30:57Horses are carnivorous.
00:30:59Right. Well done, Mrs. Morris.
00:31:01Well done, Mrs. Morris.
00:31:03Um, 640 acres!
00:31:06Yes, well, that's wonderful, Mrs. Morris.
00:31:08And now we have the second question.
00:31:10And the second question is, Mrs. Morris,
00:31:12what animal makes the noise meow?
00:31:16An apple. No, no, no.
00:31:17Meow. Oh, a fish.
00:31:19No, no, Mrs. Morris. What animal makes the noise meow?
00:31:23A car. What?
00:31:25A car. Clearly.
00:31:26Car, car. Car, car.
00:31:27Car. Bus. No, no.
00:31:28Car, car, car. Car, car, car.
00:31:30Airplane. No, no.
00:31:31Car, car, car. Car, car, car.
00:31:33Motor torpedo boat.
00:31:34No, no.
00:31:35Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:31:37Not bad, Mrs. Morris.
00:31:38Not very good. Try.
00:31:40No, Mrs. Morris.
00:31:41What animal makes the noise meow?
00:31:45Oh, that's easier. Cat.
00:31:49Well, why did you say motor torpedo boat?
00:31:51Oh, 943!
00:31:52Yes, that's wonderful, Mrs. Morris.
00:31:54And now we have the third and final question.
00:31:59Are you nervous? No.
00:32:00Oh, I got it right! I got the final question right!
00:32:02No, no, that wasn't the final question.
00:32:04I won the battleship!
00:32:05No, no, the final question, the final question is, what year?
00:32:08I won it! I've got it! I won the battleship!
00:32:11Hooray, I did, didn't I, girls?
00:32:12Yes, I won it! I won it! I won the battleship!
00:32:15I got it right! I got it wrong!
00:32:17All right, give her the battleship!
00:32:18I won!
00:32:19Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:32:21I didn't have to be a quizmaster, you know.
00:32:24With a little education, I could have been a lavatory attendant.
00:32:27And now we have the next contender, please.
00:32:29And here we are!
00:32:36You will also have noticed that it isn't just the way
00:32:39that people try to get things out of you that's irritating.
00:32:43It's the way they try to disguise their rather obvious motives.
00:32:47The rich don't say, we want more money.
00:32:50They say, this increased taxation is reducing personal incentive.
00:32:55The trade unions don't say, we want more money.
00:32:58They say, this governmental interference with wage negotiations
00:33:02abrogates one of the fundamental principles of the trade union movement.
00:33:06This applies on a much smaller scale, of course.
00:33:09Compare this...
00:33:13Oh, hello, Tom. Could I have a lift?
00:33:15Yes, certainly. Sure.
00:33:18With this.
00:33:24Oh, hello, Tom.
00:33:26Oh, hello. How are you?
00:33:27Fine, thanks. And you?
00:33:29Oh, fine, thanks. Yes.
00:33:30How's the new car?
00:33:33Fine, fine. Very pleased with it.
00:33:35Bigger than the last one, isn't it?
00:33:36Yeah. Much more room.
00:33:40Well, I mustn't stand here chatting.
00:33:43I've got to be going, you know. It's getting late.
00:33:47Very late.
00:33:49So, are you going to stay long?
00:33:54What? No, no. Not long, no.
00:33:56It's not worth it, is it? No, I'm not, no.
00:34:01Tell me, you know this area.
00:34:05Do you know where the station is?
00:34:06Yes, yes, I drive past it.
00:34:08Do you? It's quite a walk, though.
00:34:09Is it? Yeah.
00:34:10Oh, I thought it might be, yes.
00:34:12Damn thing.
00:34:17Looks like rain.
00:34:18Does it? Yes. Oh, it's going to rain.
00:34:21Pour down.
00:34:22Bloody weather.
00:34:26Well, I suppose I'd better be going off and I'll get a cab, then.
00:34:30Yes, yes, I think that's your best bet.
00:34:32Yeah, that's what I'll do, then, yes.
00:34:35Er...
00:34:36You don't... I'm sorry.
00:34:37You don't happen to know the number to ring for a cab, do you?
00:34:41No, no, I'm afraid I don't. I should look it up in the book.
00:34:45Oh, what a good idea. Yes.
00:34:46Yes, I'll do that.
00:34:50Damned expensive, though, aren't they?
00:34:52Ooh.
00:34:53Wicked.
00:34:55Cabs? Yes, well, of course, petrol is expensive, isn't it?
00:34:57Oh, petrol's expensive. Very expensive, yeah.
00:35:00Hardly pays you to drive around on your own these days.
00:35:04Look at that weather.
00:35:06Oh.
00:35:08Boring.
00:35:10Well, look, I'll just go off and stand outside and...
00:35:15In the rain?
00:35:16And try to thumb a lift.
00:35:19Yeah. Oh, were you asking me for a lift?
00:35:21Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.
00:35:23Good. Oh, I hope you didn't think that I...
00:35:26Oh, no, no, no.
00:35:28Er...
00:35:29Well, if you are, erm...
00:35:30Well, I'm sorry, but I haven't got my car with me.
00:35:32Ooh.
00:35:34Why didn't you bloody say so?
00:35:37Ah, Frank!
00:35:39Come here.
00:35:44Now, there, the irritator didn't get the lift,
00:35:46but he wouldn't have got it anyway,
00:35:48and he got at least two minutes' fun.
00:35:50So, remember, if you want something from somebody,
00:35:52don't ask directly.
00:35:54The indirect approach is much more aggravating.
00:35:56Take mothers.
00:35:57They're much too skilful to put a real ball and chain on you.
00:36:01You could escape from that.
00:36:13It's nice having you home with us for Easter, dear.
00:36:17Oh, it's nice to be home for Easter, Mother.
00:36:19It's a long time since we last had you home with us for Easter.
00:36:24I was home last Easter, Mother.
00:36:27Yes, but that was 12 months ago, dear.
00:36:32Fair enough. You can't argue with that.
00:36:40Well, what are we going to do this evening, then?
00:36:44We thought we'd have a nice, quiet evening at home.
00:36:49Really?
00:36:50A nice, quiet evening at home?
00:36:53It's a bit out of the blue, isn't it?
00:36:55Who ever thought of that?
00:36:56It'll be a nice rest for us all.
00:36:58Yes, well, I thought I'd just pop down to the pub.
00:37:01Because we can watch the television.
00:37:04To the pub for half an hour.
00:37:05Because we don't see much of you nowadays, dear.
00:37:08And when we do, we like to get me together.
00:37:11For 30 minutes.
00:37:12Because we don't see much of you, dear.
00:37:15And even when you are at home, dear,
00:37:17even when you are at home, dear, you never really talk to us.
00:37:24Mother, since I got home two days ago,
00:37:27we have discussed, in detail,
00:37:30socks, keeping warm, sensible underwear,
00:37:34my hair being too long,
00:37:36the trouble Mrs Gaskell had with her fourth,
00:37:39what happened to the greeny-brown pullover,
00:37:42how I got in with the wrong set,
00:37:43and how much you and Dad hate me flying.
00:37:46Which, as I've pointed out,
00:37:48is one of the snags about my being an airline pilot.
00:37:53We may not have discussed the moral dilemma of 20th century man,
00:37:57but we certainly have talked, Mother.
00:38:01Anyway, why do you want to go down to the pub, dear?
00:38:06Ah, so you did hear.
00:38:08I just want a quick drink.
00:38:10You're no sooner home than you want to go rushing out again.
00:38:15Mother, I haven't been out of the house for two days.
00:38:18I only want to go to the pub.
00:38:20Oh, well, dear,
00:38:22if the pub's more important to you than your own mother,
00:38:27I don't see very much of you, and...
00:38:31it isn't much fun being left here with him.
00:38:35Look, I shall be gone from nine till 9.30.
00:38:40I don't expect I shall be here much longer.
00:38:44Well, if you go between nine and 9.30, bad luck.
00:38:50Oh, God, she's going to cry.
00:38:53Dad? Mother's going to have a cry.
00:38:57How can you be so cruel?
00:38:59All right, all right, I'll stop being cruel.
00:39:02I won't go down to the pub. I'll sit at home resting.
00:39:07I'll make a list of famous stranglers.
00:39:09That's a good idea, dear. I'm glad you've decided to stay.
00:39:13Yes, yes, I've decided to stay, and I don't think I'll go out.
00:39:17I'll sit here resting.
00:39:21I'll be out of here the day after tomorrow.
00:39:23I'll use the wooden horse to trick them.
00:39:31You're looking forward to going back to London, aren't you?
00:39:34No, Mother, I love it at home, really. I have a glorious time.
00:39:38You don't like it here at home?
00:39:40Yes, I do.
00:39:41No, you don't.
00:39:42Oh, God.
00:39:44Dad, number two.
00:39:47Look, Mother, I do really love it at home. I really do.
00:39:51It may be just a little bit quiet, but I have a lovely rest.
00:39:55Mother, I've got to go back to London the day after tomorrow,
00:39:58but I will try and get down again in a fortnight.
00:40:03Oh, that'll be nice, dear.
00:40:05What have I done? What have I said?
00:40:06Will you try and get down on Friday night
00:40:09and not on Saturday morning?
00:40:12Er, yes, yes.
00:40:14But, but, I may want to go out for a meal on Saturday night.
00:40:20All right, then.
00:40:22If you come down on Friday night
00:40:25and go back on Monday morning...
00:40:29Done.
00:40:30...after breakfast...
00:40:32Done.
00:40:40You had to go out on the Saturday night, dear.
00:40:44We made a bargain.
00:40:50No, it's no good, Mother. We made a bargain.
00:40:53Who are you going to go out with on the Saturday night?
00:40:56Does it matter?
00:40:58Your mother has a right to know these things.
00:41:03No, she doesn't.
00:41:04No, she doesn't.
00:41:10I shan't live with you much longer.
00:41:13No, we've had that one.
00:41:17Oh, God.
00:41:19And, number four...
00:41:23No, all right, Mother, all right, all right.
00:41:25All right, Mother, all right.
00:41:26All right, Mother, all right.
00:41:28I'll tell you who.
00:41:29Who?
00:41:31Christine Weedon.
00:41:35Christine Weedon.
00:41:39You're not going to throw yourself at her again?
00:41:41Of course not.
00:41:43Mother, she is Dr Weedon's daughter.
00:41:47I don't understand you any more.
00:41:53What did we do wrong, Bevis?
00:41:58Oh, she's going again.
00:42:01Number five.
00:42:03Why do you want to go out with Christine, dear?
00:42:08What?
00:42:09Why do you want to go out with Christine?
00:42:16Because she's a loose woman.
00:42:22Is she?
00:42:24Oh!
00:42:26Christine?
00:42:28She can't get enough of it, Mother.
00:42:34Can't she, dear?
00:42:36Look, why don't you go down to the pub?
00:42:39I've got one or two phone calls to make.
00:42:45How does her mind work?
00:42:53It's possible to irritate people in almost any circumstances.
00:42:57For example, have you ever heard the story about the two beautiful blondes
00:43:01who were on their first visit to a nudist camp
00:43:04when one of them suddenly noticed that...
00:43:12Well, I didn't know that he played the violin.
00:43:15And this story also illustrates how irritating mechanical failures are.
00:43:26I spy with my little eye...
00:43:29Something beginning with S.
00:43:31Sky.
00:43:32Mm-hm.
00:43:36I spy with my little eye something beginning with C.
00:43:39Cloud.
00:43:40Yeah.
00:43:44Oh, God, I'm bored.
00:43:46I'm fed up with that game.
00:43:48Let's play another game.
00:43:50Oh.
00:43:52I know what.
00:43:53What?
00:43:55WHISTLE BLOWS
00:43:56Hello? This is your captain speaking.
00:43:59There is absolutely no cause for alarm.
00:44:06That'll get them thinking.
00:44:09No, no, no, no, not yet.
00:44:11Let it sink in. They're thinking,
00:44:13what is there absolutely no cause for alarm about?
00:44:16Are the wings on fire?
00:44:18The wings are not on fire.
00:44:20Now they're thinking, why should he say that?
00:44:24So we say...
00:44:25Oh, oh, how are we doing?
00:44:27They've stopped eating, looking a bit worried.
00:44:30Hang on. One of them's going to the washroom.
00:44:33Is he there yet?
00:44:34He's just closing the door.
00:44:36Now.
00:44:37Right.
00:44:38One, two, three.
00:44:40Please return to your seats and fasten your safety belts immediately, please.
00:44:45Yes.
00:44:46Here he comes, going up the aisle like the captain.
00:44:49I'll do the worried walk now.
00:44:52Right.
00:44:53Safety regulations.
00:44:54Safety regulations.
00:44:55Please listen carefully.
00:44:57I want to remind you of some of the safety regulation.
00:45:01In the case of emergency, it is vitally important to...
00:45:04WHISTLE BLOWS
00:45:05WHISTLE BLOWS
00:45:06WHISTLE BLOWS
00:45:07WHISTLE BLOWS
00:45:08WHISTLE BLOWS
00:45:09..as the warning buzzer sounds.
00:45:12WHISTLE BLOWS
00:45:13WHISTLE BLOWS
00:45:14WHISTLE BLOWS
00:45:15WHISTLE BLOWS
00:45:16Oh, that's got them rattled.
00:45:19Great, great.
00:45:20Yeah.
00:45:21Pete.
00:45:22I've got an idea.
00:45:24Hello.
00:45:25You will find your life jackets under your seats.
00:45:28They're on the racks.
00:45:29Shh, let them scrabble a bit.
00:45:32I'm sorry.
00:45:34You will find them on the racks above your head.
00:45:37But do not unfasten your safety belts.
00:45:40Great, great.
00:45:41That was marvellous.
00:45:42You should see them.
00:45:43Right.
00:45:44Gobbledygook.
00:45:45Yeah.
00:45:46The scransons above your head are now ready to flange.
00:45:51Please unfasten your safety belts
00:45:52and press the emergency photo scamps
00:45:54on the back of the seats behind you.
00:45:58Marvellous milling about, climbing over the seat.
00:46:00That's good.
00:46:02Please find the emergency sprill in the washroom at the back
00:46:06and release it.
00:46:09But do not unfasten your safety belts.
00:46:12That's got them back to their seats.
00:46:13The emergency sprill must be released.
00:46:16But do not leave your seats.
00:46:17Do not panic.
00:46:19A tea will now be served.
00:46:20Inflate your life jackets.
00:46:21And extinguish all cigarettes.
00:46:22Please remove the luggage from the racks above your heads
00:46:24and place it on the racks on the other side of the aircraft.
00:46:26Except the hand luggage.
00:46:28Which you should sit on.
00:46:31Now the look.
00:46:34Hang on.
00:46:37Hang on.
00:46:38What, what, what?
00:46:40They've all jumped out.
00:46:43LAUGHTER
00:47:05You know, I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't some trouble about this.
00:47:08LAUGHTER
00:47:13APPLAUSE
00:47:17What marvellous opportunities pilots have.
00:47:20And tax collectors and politicians and traffic wardens
00:47:24and folk singers and advertising men
00:47:26and telephone operators and telephone supervisors
00:47:29and tele... telephone...
00:47:34I'm sorry, I get rather emotional about the telephones.
00:47:37They've done to me what I'm trying to help you to do to other people.
00:47:41Did you know that the modernisation of the British telephone system
00:47:44is solely responsible for the enormous increase
00:47:47in the use of carrier pigeons?
00:47:48LAUGHTER
00:47:50People who can't afford carrier pigeons nowadays,
00:47:52instead of using the phone,
00:47:53just go to their front doors and shout up the street,
00:47:56this message for John Spriggs 10, the Avenue Grimsby
00:47:59will be arriving at two o'clock, sign then, pass it on!
00:48:02LAUGHTER
00:48:04Never mind, never mind.
00:48:06All these people I've just mentioned,
00:48:07tax collectors, PR men and so forth,
00:48:09have wonderful opportunities to irritate us all.
00:48:12But we may be able to get back at them by complaining.
00:48:16One man, though, whose power is almost complete,
00:48:18against whom there is almost no redress,
00:48:20is the man who interviews us for a job.
00:48:24KNOCK AT DOOR
00:48:25Come in.
00:48:28Ah, come in, sit down.
00:48:40Would you mind just standing up for a moment?
00:48:44Take a seat.
00:48:45What?
00:48:46Take a seat.
00:48:47Certainly.
00:48:49Ah.
00:48:53Good morning.
00:48:54Good morning.
00:48:57Good morning.
00:48:59Good morning.
00:49:02Tell me, why did you say good morning
00:49:04when you know perfectly well that it's afternoon?
00:49:06Well, you said good morning.
00:49:08LAUGHTER
00:49:09LAUGHTER
00:49:13Good afternoon.
00:49:14Good afternoon.
00:49:15Oh, dear.
00:49:16LAUGHTER
00:49:19Good evening.
00:49:21Goodbye.
00:49:22LAUGHTER
00:49:26BELL RINGS
00:49:31CLEARS THROAT
00:49:33Why do you think I rang that...? Aren't you going to ask me
00:49:36why I rang that bell?
00:49:37No.
00:49:38Possibly.
00:49:41BELL RINGS
00:49:47Why did you ring that bell?
00:49:49Why do you think I rang that bell?
00:49:52Five, four, three, two, one.
00:49:55No, no, no.
00:49:56Too late, too late.
00:49:57LAUGHTER
00:50:02Excuse me.
00:50:03I'm sorry.
00:50:05BELL RINGS
00:50:08Good night.
00:50:13I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask this question.
00:50:16Is this the interview for the management training course?
00:50:19Yes, yes, this is the interview for the management training course.
00:50:22Good night.
00:50:26Oh, dear, I don't think I'm doing very well.
00:50:28Why did you say that? I don't know.
00:50:30Did you say that because you didn't know?
00:50:32Well...
00:50:33Five, four, three, two, one, zero!
00:50:36Oh!
00:50:37LAUGHTER
00:50:38LAUGHTER
00:50:41RAAAARP!
00:50:42LAUGHTER
00:50:43RAAH!
00:50:44LAUGHTER
00:50:47LAUGHTER
00:50:48I'm sorry, I'm a little confused.
00:50:50Well, aren't you going to ask me why did that?
00:50:53Well...
00:50:54Aren't you curious? Yes.
00:50:56Well?
00:50:57Well...
00:50:58Name! What?
00:50:59Name, please. David.
00:51:01Sure? Yeah.
00:51:02David Short. No, no. Thomas.
00:51:04Thomas Short. No, no, David Thomas.
00:51:06Sure. David Thomas, sure.
00:51:09Ha! Sure.
00:51:11Good night.
00:51:15Oh, dear, we're back to that again.
00:51:17Good night.
00:51:21I don't know what to do when you do that.
00:51:24Well, do something.
00:51:27Good night.
00:51:33Five, four, three, two, one.
00:51:38Good.
00:51:42Good? Very good.
00:51:44Very good indeed.
00:51:46Okay, ready now.
00:51:57Right. Once more.
00:52:00Good night.
00:52:18What's going on?
00:52:19You've got very good marks.
00:52:20I don't care. I want to know what's going on.
00:52:22I think you're deliberately trying to humiliate me.
00:52:24I think you've just called me in here to amuse you.
00:52:27Treating me like a performing animal.
00:52:29Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
00:52:31I'm going to go out of here.
00:52:32I'm going to tell the police exactly what you do to people.
00:52:34And I'm going to make damn sure you never get a chance to do it again,
00:52:36you nasty, bloody, mimey little creeps.
00:52:39Well, what are you going to say to that then?
00:52:45Oh, very good marks.
00:52:47Very good marks indeed.
00:52:50Well, do I get the job then?
00:52:53No, I'm afraid not.
00:52:54All the vacancies were filled several weeks ago.
00:53:07But few of us will ever regularly get personality maiming opportunities
00:53:12as good as that interviewer.
00:53:13We must all press quietly on with time-wasting and insincerity
00:53:17and spoiling people's enjoyment in the hope that one day
00:53:20a situation will arise in which we can do major psychological damage.
00:53:25But when the situation arises, we must be quick to recognise it.
00:53:39Well, it's very good of you to invite Mrs. Raymond and myself
00:53:42round for a drink like this, Shand.
00:53:44Well, we're jolly glad you could come.
00:53:46Aren't we, Beryl?
00:53:47Oh, yes.
00:53:55Tell Mr. and Mrs. Raymond that joke.
00:53:57What joke?
00:53:58That joke you thought was so funny.
00:54:00No, no, no, no.
00:54:01Come on, about the identical twins.
00:54:04No, that's not funny.
00:54:05What do you mean? You laughed yourselves sick.
00:54:08Oh, what joke's this then?
00:54:09Oh, it's not a very good one.
00:54:12Oh.
00:54:13I've forgotten it anyway.
00:54:14How long have you had me...
00:54:15No, no, I want him to tell it.
00:54:16He tells it very well.
00:54:17Of course you know it.
00:54:19I don't.
00:54:21I'll remind him.
00:54:28He's very good at telling jokes.
00:54:34It'll have you in stitches.
00:54:36Well, come on, Shand, let's see this joke.
00:54:38Give us a laugh.
00:54:39Yes, we love a good laugh.
00:54:46Well, it...
00:54:47Oh, I know.
00:54:48I was going to show Mr. Raymond the photographs of the dance.
00:54:50Oh, yes, I've got them here.
00:54:51We'll show them after the joke.
00:54:52Well, no, he'll probably want to see them now.
00:54:54No, no, no, no.
00:54:55Come on, we want to hear this joke now.
00:54:56You know, give us a laugh.
00:54:57Come on.
00:54:58Got us hooked.
00:55:02It's not a very good one.
00:55:03Oh, come on, come on.
00:55:07Well, um, this chap got married, did he?
00:55:10He was the manager of a firm.
00:55:12Not necessarily.
00:55:14That's not important.
00:55:18Um, and he married one of a set of twins.
00:55:21Identical twins.
00:55:23That is important.
00:55:25Identical twins.
00:55:27Go on.
00:55:29And 12 months later, he was in court.
00:55:32Divorce court.
00:55:34Come on, dear, you can tell it better than this.
00:55:37Use the funny voice.
00:55:38What funny voice?
00:55:39Do you do a funny voice, Shand?
00:55:41Yes, he does do a funny voice.
00:55:43Here, I'll get the hat.
00:55:45Um, no, no, no, um, I've lost it, I've lost it.
00:55:48No, no, it's in the drawer.
00:55:49He keeps it in here.
00:55:51Oh, I forgot the nose.
00:55:53Beryl, not the nose.
00:55:56Here you are, dear.
00:55:58And here's the bolt.
00:56:01He'll just be a moment.
00:56:03Well, uh, let's have a look at this bolt, then.
00:56:05Oh, I am looking forward to this.
00:56:11He's got a bolt through his neck, dear.
00:56:14Strange.
00:56:16Yes.
00:56:17Yes, that's very, very, um, very amusing.
00:56:20Oh, thank you, thank you.
00:56:22Never mind, um, come on, uh, tell us this joke, then.
00:56:25Give us a laugh.
00:56:26Put the hat on, dear.
00:56:27No.
00:56:28Oh, come on, come on.
00:56:29Go on, dear.
00:56:34Well, uh, he, he, he's in court, you see.
00:56:37Use the funny voice.
00:56:38Yes, come on, let's hear this funny voice.
00:56:44So, he was in court, you see.
00:56:47He was in court.
00:56:49Well, uh, well, uh, don't bother too much about the funny voice.
00:56:53No, no, okay, okay.
00:56:59Um, he was in court, and, um, the judge asked him why he wanted a divorce.
00:57:06So, he said, well, when my wife's sister...
00:57:08The twin.
00:57:09I'm not going to bother, it's not worth it.
00:57:11Oh, no, come on, come on, we've got to hear it.
00:57:17Well, when my wife's sister comes over, uh, I sometimes come home, and I, um, uh, I, uh,
00:57:28I come home and I, um, sleep with, go to bed with her.
00:57:32Her.
00:57:33I'll get the coffee, dear.
00:57:44With her.
00:57:45Yes.
00:57:47Not with his wife.
00:57:48Oh.
00:57:52And, and the judge said, well, surely there must be some difference between the two.
00:57:57Yes.
00:57:59To which the, the manager, um, the, the, the, the man said, yes, that's why she wants a,
00:58:05um, I, I want a, a, um, a, a, a divorce.
00:58:08Yes, that's why I want a divorce.
00:58:13Yes, yes, very good.
00:58:17He found it in Playboy.
00:58:19Oh.
00:58:23Well, look, it's almost quarter past.
00:58:25Yes, my dear.
00:58:26Oh, what a minute.
00:58:43The television planners have got plenty more time-wasting tricks to irritate us.
00:58:47One is to permit party political broadcasts.
00:58:50Another is to allow lunatics to commentate on football matches.
00:58:54But neither of these can compare as time wasters with the Mid-Atlantic style talk show.
00:59:01Here, a sincere and abiding reverence for show business personalities combines with the necessity to produce really cheap programs.
00:59:11Ladies and gentlemen, the Mel Badfin Show.
00:59:18And tonight.
00:59:19And tonight.
00:59:23Your host.
00:59:27As usual.
00:59:32It's the man himself.
00:59:38Your master of ceremonies.
00:59:44Your own.
00:59:46Mel.
00:59:51Bev.
00:59:56Fun.
01:00:01In.
01:00:16Thank you very, very much.
01:00:22Thank you very, very much.
01:00:25You're beautiful.
01:00:35I could eat you all with a spoon.
01:00:38Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have a very, very wonderful show for you here tonight, which we're all very excited about.
01:00:43And we have some very, very wonderful guests for you here tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
01:00:48Some truly wonderful guests and very, very fine and wonderful human beings.
01:00:54Truly real people that it will be your privilege and mine to meet.
01:01:00Here.
01:01:02Tonight.
01:01:04On my show.
01:01:07Your show.
01:01:16Some truly wonderful guests, wonderful ladies and gentlemen, some very, very real and truly wonderfully, truly human beings.
01:01:25Some epoch shatteringly and overly magnificent sweetheart type people.
01:01:30Some really stupefyingly sincere and truly heartwarmingly real anthropoids.
01:01:37Truly very wonderful and I'm glad.
01:01:40And I'm proud that I'm glad and I'm glad that I'm proud that my first guest is that magnificent guest.
01:01:49And also, and I want you to know this, ladies and gentlemen, a very, very good and close and dear, an old buddy of mine and my wife, Eleanor.
01:01:56And of our four kids.
01:01:58And of our two very real cats.
01:02:01And of our truly very sincere dog.
01:02:11Gee, I didn't know how you'd take that.
01:02:15Well, ladies and gentlemen, it is now my very, very great pleasure and privilege to introduce to you that fella who's top of my list, nice guys wise.
01:02:27That great star and truly wonderful biped.
01:02:31Gig Saunders.
01:02:41Gig.
01:02:56That was great.
01:02:58Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Gig Saunders.
01:03:10This ruthless concentration on oneself is a successful irritant widely practiced by women.
01:03:17A friend of mine once demonstrated this to me at a large party.
01:03:20He stood in the middle of the room and said very loudly, the trouble with women is that they always take things personally.
01:03:26Four women immediately replied, well, I don't.
01:03:29Of course, it isn't only women that are totally self-absorbed.
01:03:40Topic, a frank discussion of a controversial problem.
01:03:44This week, Julian Trevelyan talks to Dr. Romboyd Goatcabin about freedom of speech.
01:03:50Good evening.
01:03:52Dr. Goatcabin, what I want to ask you first is, do you believe that in this country there is freedom of speech?
01:04:00Well, I always, to put it another way, do you believe that there is, in this country, freedom of speech?
01:04:05Well, to paraphrase that a little, do you believe that there is freedom of speech in this country?
01:04:11Yes, I follow.
01:04:13In other words, are people in this country free to speak?
01:04:16That is what I mean.
01:04:18Yes, I do understand.
01:04:20Perhaps I should just say, by free I mean, of course, unrestrained.
01:04:23By speech, the act of speaking words, and by, in this country, I mean, of course, Great Britain.
01:04:29Yes, I do understand.
01:04:31And Northern Ireland.
01:04:33Yes, and the Channel Islands.
01:04:35No, I have got the question.
01:04:37Perhaps it would be easier if I put it another way.
01:04:39No, no, no, please.
01:04:40To what extent do you, as opposed to anyone else who would be other people, for the purpose of this discussion, feel, and by feel I mean, think, consider, believe, hold to be true, opine, profess the view, credit the belief, maintain, assume, surmise, accept, deem, or trouse that this is, in fact, the case?
01:05:01Or not?
01:05:04What, me?
01:05:07You want to know what I think?
01:05:09Yes.
01:05:11Really?
01:05:15Well, I...
01:05:18I forgot my question.
01:05:20Well, what I was asking was, does freedom of speech really exist in this country, or is this just an illusion as opposed to a reality?
01:05:26I know the question.
01:05:28I know the question.
01:05:30I know the question.
01:05:32I swear, I know the question.
01:05:37In God's name, let him speak.
01:05:41I know the question.
01:05:44I know the question.
01:05:46Shut up. Shut up.
01:05:51I didn't want to come here. You asked me.
01:05:54I'm going. I'm going.
01:05:56Good night. Good night.
01:05:58I mean, an issue that affects all of us at this day.
01:06:04I mean, I myself always feel that while certain restrictions on this freedom of speech are necessary, as, for example, in the criminal law with the law of obscenity or blasphemy or...
01:06:14...or not, as the case may be, bearing in mind always that with censorship, the danger is that a repression of a person's right to express his opinion can lead to violence, although I do not personally believe this...
01:06:37...the case as there seems to be little evidence to this effect.
01:06:52Well, I believe in freedom of speech.
01:06:57And that's all we have time for.