Lola Bouvier, 25, a fallen ice-skating star with an outsize ego, decides to become “the greatest roller-derby champion of all time,” but unwittingly joins one of France’s worst teams: the Cannibal Unicorns!
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00:00The Cannibal Licorns had just won the first qualifying match for the Mounderby Cup.
00:06Of course, the team was sad about the departure of Acid Cyprien, but the taste of victory had eased their pain.
00:13Now it was time for Lola to make a choice.
00:16Become an artistic skater again, or try to win a cup with the Cannibal Licorns.
00:22Find the fire of the projectors, or stay in this old gym that stinks feet.
00:30The Cannibal Licorns
01:00The Cannibal Licorns
01:31My ass hole is not under the capitalist system.
01:35You see, your ass is not enslaved.
01:38It is free. And that's the most important thing.
01:41That's great.
01:43Anyway, you'll never be a real derby girl if you keep shaving.
01:47Contrary to popular belief, the vision of the tyrannosaurus rex was not based on movement at all.
01:54What is it based on?
01:57I can't open the door.
01:59What?
02:00Let me see.
02:05Wait, wait, let the real women do it.
02:07That's weird.
02:08Sorry.
02:09Give me that, thank you very much.
02:13Finally.
02:14Fuck, we're stuck.
02:16What?
02:17Okay, get out.
02:18Get out, it can be a little dangerous.
02:20That smells like a bad idea.
02:21So what?
02:23Fuck.
02:26Are you okay?
02:27I fucked my ankle.
02:28Fuck, I hurt myself.
02:29Are we really locked up?
02:35Oh no, fuck.
02:36Oh fuck, I really fucked my ankle.
02:40What is this shit?
02:42There's no 3G, what's going on?
02:44Oh no, that's not possible, I had to call Sadek.
02:47We can't run because the gym was built on an old Indian cemetery.
02:51It creates electromagnetic waves, ferrules that block 3G.
02:54Wait, is that true?
02:55Yeah.
02:56Fuck.
02:58Hey, I have a network.
02:59What?
03:03What's the number of the firemen?
03:05The 18th.
03:06Are you sure it's not the Schmitts?
03:07Because I have a suitcase of weed next door.
03:08No, don't worry, it's the firemen.
03:12Oh, no, I don't have a network.
03:13Fuck.
03:14What?
03:15Your phones are useless, that's it.
03:17So, how do girls get out of here?
03:19I know.
03:21There's a vent there.
03:24Do you know what that means?
03:26Who has ventilation?
03:28Exactly.
03:30But that's not where I wanted to come.
03:32Where I wanted to come is that we can get out through the vent.
03:36Because it's necessarily on the outside.
03:39Fuck, MJ, you're watching too many movies.
03:41We're not in Crystal's Trap.
03:43There's no hostage taking and a bad German is coming.
03:46By the way, don't laugh at Alan Rickman.
03:48Severus Rogue forever.
03:49Little snake.
03:50Love hack, Charlie.
03:57It's true that it's a good movie.
03:59But please, trust me.
04:01We can get out of here.
04:02And where?
04:03I'll give you a thousand.
04:04The vent.
04:12No, no, no.
04:15Yes.
04:17The mouth of ventilation.
04:19Our passport to freedom.
04:33Or we can find acetone, oxygenated water, acid, any kind, nitric, sulfuric, old crud.
04:40But a little bit.
04:41We mix it all in very precise proportions.
04:43And BAM!
04:45We make a hand-made bomb and we blow up the door.
04:47That's a very good idea.
04:49If we want to die.
04:54But MJ, fuck, love is just a chemical reaction inside your brain
04:58that pushes you to reproduce the species.
05:00Bullshit.
05:01Yes, it's true.
05:02No, but you're saying that because you're jealous of my relationship.
05:05MJ, honestly, I love you.
05:07But not when you lie to your boyfriend.
05:09He doesn't exist.
05:10Of course he exists.
05:13Even if we've already talked on the phone.
05:15And he has a soft voice.
05:17I should never have registered him on Tinder.
05:19It drove him crazy.
05:20I have to tell you something.
05:22I swear he exists.
05:24Even if we had to call tonight.
05:26It's very important, really.
05:28And instead we're here and...
05:30We don't understand a thing you're saying, MJ.
05:33Pull yourself together.
05:34Okay.
05:35Okay, let's calm down.
05:36Let's breathe.
05:37Excuse me, I shouldn't have said that your imaginary boyfriend doesn't exist.
05:40Okay?
05:41Yes, yes.
05:42What did you want to say, Ardouille?
05:43Nothing, nothing, forget it.
05:47It's just that...
05:52Okay, girls.
05:54Yes, it's shit.
05:55But are we going to sit here and pity our fate?
05:58Or are we going to react?
06:00Like Fred and Herbie Girl.
06:11We're getting pissed off.
06:14Oh, no, thanks.
06:17Are you okay, MJ?
06:19Yeah, yeah.
06:22Well, not too much.
06:27You said it was Whedon's beast.
06:29Yeah, yeah.
06:30She's a badass.
06:32I think I have hypoglycemia.
06:35Oh, la, la.
06:36Oh, la, la.
06:37Oh, la, la.
06:39Oh, la, la.
06:40Oh, la, la.
06:42Where are we going to find sugar?
06:52Wow.
06:53It's the last one.
07:00MJ, what are you doing?
07:01Sharing.
07:02No, no, MJ.
07:03It's not reasonable.
07:04You need more than us.
07:05MJ, no.
07:06It's pure madness.
07:07No, don't worry.
07:08Eat.
07:09No, we're sharing.
07:10I don't eat if you don't eat.
07:13And if I don't eat,
07:16you'll have my death on your conscience.
07:27It's really good.
07:37Ha, ha, ha.
07:40Guys, you've gone too far.
07:42It's much, much better.
07:45Girls, what would you do
07:47if we asked you to do something
07:49you've always wanted to do
07:51all your life, but if you do it,
07:53you have to give up something
07:55you wanted to do too, but a little less
07:57because you wanted to do something
07:59you knew before,
08:01so you have to cancel one of the two things
08:03because you could only do one.
08:05Yes!
08:06Whedon's beast.
08:08Ouf!
08:09Malguerie.
08:11I didn't understand.
08:13I wasn't listening.
08:15Well, forget it.
08:17Would you like to do a true action?
08:19No, MJ, we're not kids.
08:21We're not going to do a true action.
08:23True.
08:25What is
08:27the craziest thing
08:29you've ever done in your life?
08:32Once, I wore a colored T-shirt.
08:34And?
08:35Well, that's all.
08:38You drink the blood of your rules.
08:39What?
08:40Yes, but there is no nutritional equivalent.
08:42Besides, I have iron deficiency, you see.
08:46Absent.
08:47Again?
08:48Truth.
08:49What is the biggest dream of your life?
08:53I don't have one.
08:55It's not possible.
08:58Think.
09:01Singer.
09:02Seriously?
09:04Singer?
09:06But you know how to sing?
09:08But girl, I've known you for 50 years.
09:10I've never heard you sing.
09:12I don't like to sing in front of people.
09:15You don't like short people.
09:17Wait, but come on, sing us something.
09:19No.
09:22Absent.
09:23A song.
09:24Absent.
09:25A song.
09:27Absent.
09:36Absent.
09:38Absent.
09:40Absent.
09:42Absent.
09:44Absent.
09:46Absent.
09:50Mozart.
09:51It was...
09:53Yes, it was...
09:55How can I say?
09:57An overwhelming beauty.
09:59Yes, I know.
10:01And you, MJ?
10:02What is your biggest dream?
10:05Well, my biggest dream, I'm living it.
10:07Being part of a band.
10:09It's so cool.
10:11And you, Lola?
10:13It's, wait, beating the Black Weirdos.
10:15I'm sure that's it.
10:16No, winning a gold medal
10:18at the World Championship.
10:20Winning the Moon Derby Cup.
10:22I need to go to the bathroom.
10:26Okay, Lola.
10:28You can do it.
10:29You tell them,
10:30you don't care about these girls.
10:32You don't like them.
10:34You don't really like them.
10:36You don't hate them either,
10:38but we don't really care.
10:40So, you...
10:44You don't care.
10:45You only think about yourself.
10:46You've always done that in life.
10:48You're the best, never forget that.
10:50Okay?
10:51So, what's your type?
10:53Girls, I need to talk to you.
10:55You know, just before playing the match
10:57against the Crazy Bitches...
10:59Oh, fuck!
11:01I don't know, it's a little orange.
11:04Raijin.
11:05Raijin, the thunder god in Japanese mythology.
11:09You're such a freak.
11:11Freak.
11:13I'm scared.
11:15I'm really scared.
11:17We absolutely need to stay calm.
11:19Okay?
11:20We're trapped, help us!
11:22Help us!
11:23Open up!
11:24We'll never get out!
11:26Mother, prepare this bomb for me!
11:28No!
11:29I swear that my aeration mouth plan...
11:31Oh, fuck!
11:32I swear that my aeration mouth plan...
11:34You're completely out of line, Angie.
11:36Prepare this bomb for me, I swear!
11:38Fuck, yes!
11:42Do you think it was a lucky shot against the Crazy Bitches?
11:44We won 2-3 points, so it's fine.
11:46Fuck, but the mouth planners are going to be...
11:48What? They're strong?
11:50Yeah, yeah.
11:52I'm going to do an incantation
11:54so we can win because we're in trouble.
11:56I'm sure we can win.
11:58Right, Hardwill?
12:00Yeah.
12:02So I need two yellow candles,
12:04a golden ring,
12:06a dancing stick...
12:07If we win, we're qualified.
12:09And white losses.
12:11I'm kidding.
12:12I don't need that to cast a spell.
12:14Who do you think I am?
12:16I love fire.
12:18You know what they say about the devil?
12:20Well, it's wrong.
12:22There's no murder or sacrifice
12:24or violence among Satanists.
12:26It's God who's bad.
12:28But God is the nice one, isn't he?
12:30You said he was a weirdo.
12:32He's the nice one?
12:34Why is your mother dead?
12:36She's dead, she's dead.
12:38She's not dead.
12:40What?
12:42The truth is she left like a bitch
12:44after the world championships.
12:46I did everything to make her proud
12:48and she just ruined my life.
12:50Are you serious?
12:52Why didn't you tell us?
12:54I never talk about it.
12:56My dad never talks about it.
12:59You're pissed with the girls.
13:01There's something else I need to tell you.
13:03It's a bit complicated to say, but...
13:07Did you hear that?
13:09There's someone in the gymnasium.
13:11OK, MJ, you go.
13:13Why me?
13:15Because that's life.
13:17Why not Mother?
13:19Great idea.
13:21I don't give a shit.
13:23Let's settle this at the old-fashioned way.
13:25OK.
13:27You lost. Your stone fell in my well.
13:29No, there's no well.
13:31It's the new rules.
13:33I'm sorry to teach you like this.
13:35OK, I'm going.
13:37I'm going.
13:39No, you're here.
13:41No, I went, I came back.
13:43There's nothing.
13:45MJ, you didn't move.
13:47MJ, go.
13:49OK, I'm going.
13:51OK, I'm going.
13:53Go, my beauty.
13:56Here I am.
13:58Can I come back?
14:00We'll see you again, MJ.
14:07Is anyone there?
14:12Hello?
14:18Mr. Hygiene?
14:22Is that you?
14:24Yes, that's how I found out
14:26he had become the Great Monarch,
14:28the Cosmic Christ.
14:30The same guy who plays the flute?
14:32Yes.
14:34Who are you talking about?
14:38MJ.
14:42What happened?
14:44I was bitten by a rat.
14:46What do you mean, a rat?
14:48I don't know.
14:50Everything happened so fast.
14:53Don't worry, it's nothing.
14:55Where is this rat?
14:57I'm bleeding.
14:59I'm going to die.
15:01Breathe.
15:05MJ?
15:07MJ?
15:11I see a white light.
15:13An angel.
15:17So that's the afterlife.
15:19No, you're not dead.
15:21Get up.
15:23What?
15:27Put your hand over the fire.
15:29What? Why are you going to be a voodoo?
15:31Mother, your canister.
15:33No, no, no. What are you doing?
15:37We're making a blood pact.
15:42No, no, no.
15:48Oh, no.
15:51Do you think about Sudan?
15:53Come on, Ardwella.
15:55We're making a blood pact so that nothing can separate us.
15:57We're making a blood pact because we'll never betray each other.
15:59We're making a blood pact
16:01to win the Moondarby Cup.
16:03Oh, no.
16:05Okay.
16:07Ah.
16:15Ah.
16:17It hurts so much.
16:23It's so nice right now.
16:26Oh.
16:46Ah!
16:48Ah!
16:50Ah!
16:56Ah.
16:58Ah.
17:24Mother.
17:28Ah.
17:44Ah.
17:49Ah.
17:51Ah.
17:58Ah.
18:01Ah.
18:03Ah.
18:27Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
18:29Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
18:32Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
18:38Who wants to go to Inferno?
18:40Oh, I'm going home, I think.
18:42Me too.
18:44You're staying at my place, then?
18:46Uh, yeah, but I have to go to my dad's to get something first.
18:48Fuck, as weird as it sounds,
18:50you know what?
18:52I think I had a good night.
18:54Me too.
18:56Me too.
18:58I don't know where that is.
19:02I think it's over there.
19:04I think it's over there.
19:06I think it's over there.
19:31I think it's over there.