The housing office is on to Frank, his debts are piling up, and the bailiffs are still on his doorstep. However, Frank has an ingenious plan and with the help of Norma, his ex-wife's lover, and a group of her lesbian friends, he stages his own death, lies in state in a coffin in the Gallaghers' front room and hosts his own drunken wake at the Jockey
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TVTranscript
00:00No, I'm with you.
00:05I'm with you.
00:11Monica?
00:13There's Monica!
00:14What?
00:16Mum?
00:17She looked absolutely beautiful. I miss her.
00:21Marry me?
00:22You know I've got a boyfriend.
00:25Two grand's worth of debt and he's still mounting on?
00:28Where is he?
00:29Caleb's front and back because of you.
00:31Know what your new name is, Nick?
00:32Dead man walking.
00:34Mr. Walshley.
00:35Housing officer.
00:37Don't think you'll get away with that one,
00:38because I'll haunt you for every last penny, madam.
00:43He's about as much help to us as you've been.
00:45We'd have been better off without both of you.
00:47Over to you, mum.
00:49Your house. Drive.
00:54Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden,
00:58but no, it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher,
01:02and me kids, who I'm proud of,
01:05cos every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
01:09They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.
01:15Fiona, who's a massive help.
01:17Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite,
01:19which is why nobody calls him Philip any more.
01:22Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others
01:25cos she's disappeared into thin air.
01:27We dare let him grow his hair for two reasons.
01:29One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah.
01:32Two, Nits love him.
01:33Debbie, sent by God, total angel.
01:36You've to check your chains,
01:38but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.
01:40Plus, Liam, couldn't be a star once we've got the fits under control.
01:46Steve, Fiona's boyfriend.
01:49The truth is out there.
01:51Not fantastic neighbours, Kev and Veronica.
01:55I'll lend you anything. Well, not anything.
01:57But all of them, to a man, know first and foremost
02:01one of the most vital necessities in this life
02:04is to know how to throw a party!
02:08Scatter!
02:14I've dreamt about lesbians for as long as I can remember,
02:17but I bet I'm the only bloke who, when his best wish gets granted,
02:22has to cope with the fact that the only lezard he'll ever get his hands on
02:26is his ex-wife.
02:28Not only is she not in the sack with Olivia Newton-John,
02:32she's picked an oppo who's bigger than I am,
02:35stronger than I am, and earns more than I ever could.
02:39Mum, call me for breakfast.
02:44Jesus, oh, my God!
02:45You all right, Nan?
02:47No switch has moved?
02:48God, it is! It's a bloody rat!
02:50Oh, don't be daft. It'll be the wind.
02:55So what's this? A fart in a fur?
03:02Mum, we're going to be late for school!
03:05You cannot tread backwards, Monica. You don't belong here.
03:14The day I married Monica was the happiest day of my life.
03:18The day she left me looking after six kids, I thought,
03:21right, fuck her.
03:23The day she reappears after three years in the cold,
03:25I just thought, absolutely, go on, Frank, fuck her.
03:29You spent the last three years burying all this.
03:32There you go, love.
03:34Oh, I can't eat eggs, I'm allergic to the cows.
03:37Cow! Your tit's already!
03:39He never used to be allergic to eggs.
03:41Started a few years back, I almost died, didn't I?
03:45Your mum's trying to have a conversation here.
03:47Yeah, and we can do our own breakfast.
03:49If you want privacy, go back in the van.
03:51It stinks to high heaven!
03:52Never used to.
03:53I've just had to kill a rat that size. Haven't I, Mum?
03:56Yeah.
04:00What size?
04:04What colour?
04:18SHE SOBS
04:26Well, who in their right mind keeps a rat as a pet?
04:35Pack up. We're going back to Mustons.
04:37Oh, it's like Village of the Damned.
04:40There's nobody else to look after him.
04:42Never bothered you before.
04:43Well, Fiona was here before.
04:48I'm not asking for the court report, Veronica.
04:50Did she or did she not get the school uniform sorted out?
04:53Yes, she definitely did, cos Ian nipped Romy today's milk.
04:56I just want to make sure Monica hasn't abandoned the kids
04:58before they get a chance to kill her.
05:00It was all coastal when I popped round earlier.
05:02Even Karl's?
05:03Cos if he forgets his tie one more time, they'll suspend him.
05:06Do you mind? I'm trying to have a lie for you.
05:08Fine.
05:10I'll go around and check in three minutes.
05:12Make sure the kids have all got my number
05:14and enough cash to ring me if they get any shit from the lesbians, yeah?
05:17Dumped in at Brown and did the bleeding washing up while I'm at it?
05:19I'm being serious, Kev.
05:20And I'm being brief.
05:21Ring us back in half an hour or so.
05:24What are they like?
05:26Be quick. I want to check Karl's got his tie.
05:28All right, hang on. That's it.
05:31Get a good grip.
05:39Sunshine on a rainy day
05:43Sunshine on a rainy day
05:55Get it out.
06:07There you're right. It fits.
06:10I said it would a month ago when you said you wouldn't be seen dead in it.
06:13What, can't I take a joke?
06:14Listen, I'm going to get a paper. How do you want?
06:16Yeah.
06:17Guess enough for an overdose.
06:19Tell the chemist I'll pay him later.
06:21Joke.
06:22Just practising.
06:24Hey, end of goodon.
06:26See you later.
06:28I usually get a kiss.
06:41Just in case.
06:58Kev, see if anyone's looking for us.
07:10Michael.
07:11What?
07:12What?
07:41Two bailiffs, six o'clock.
07:43Is that front or back?
07:45Back, back, so I'll be sharp.
07:49And watch out for Wilson.
07:51Sure I'm feeling safer.
07:55It's not my fault he's getting a stiffy for his ex.
07:57Best not be either.
08:11What?
08:31Eugene, it's Eugene coming.
08:35Michael, over.
08:40Monica, Frank wants to see you.
08:49Don't go dribbling on that. You're not keeping it.
08:53Not you, eh, Monica?
08:55Two reasons why Monica'll never make it home.
08:58Size doesn't matter.
09:00And it's just a blister.
09:02It'll fade.
09:03The day we wed, it was till death do us part.
09:06If that's a threat, Frank.
09:08No, it's just a promise that she made me on our wedding day.
09:11At least they're fellas.
09:15Be a chick. Fetch us a couple of bevvies.
09:17Whatever Wurzels have them.
09:19A pint of dog, cheese and onion pie,
09:21and some more nuts she's paying.
09:23More nuts? In your dreams, daddy-o.
09:26That's a good'un.
09:28Is he allowed all this?
09:30Frank thinks I owe him big style, so he can have what he wants.
09:33And a couple of these.
09:44Two years ago,
09:46we rescued a woman and her kids from a total psycho.
09:49I'm not fucking interested.
09:51She'd have been dead now if we hadn't have killed her.
09:54Cos of him, she owed thousands.
09:57She walked away without so much as a paper bill.
10:00All we needed was one official agency to list her as dead.
10:04Within a week, it all went as quiet as a mousetrap.
10:07No debts, no bailiffs, no hassle.
10:11Just like that.
10:13Imagine that, Frank.
10:16You pretend to be dead, but your debt's daft.
10:19And you're not.
10:21You pretend to be dead, but your debt's daft and real.
10:31Actually, Sheila, we've had complaints about noise from the neighbours.
10:36You having a bit of trouble?
10:39Frank's ex coming round shouting the odds.
10:42They haven't seen each other for a bit,
10:44so they don't know what to say, as it happens.
10:52You and Fiona, you're as mad as each other.
10:55You're going to spend the rest of your lives cleaning up after Frank.
10:58Is he worth that?
11:00I'd give my right arm to spend the rest of my life cleaning up after Frank.
11:05Have you met Monica?
11:07No.
11:08Cracking on, she's a lesbian.
11:10I saw the way she looked at him.
11:12Fiona's mum's a lesbian?
11:14Not for long, she's not. You watch.
11:22Hey, hey, hey.
11:25Look, honestly, Sheila, I can't see anybody fighting over Frank.
11:28I would if I could.
11:30She's got her feet back under the table round at Fiona's.
11:34Except it's not Fiona's any more, cos she's forced her out.
11:37What, Fiona's gone?
11:39No choice, she's gone to Luna.
11:41Where's she gone?
11:43Oh, my God!
11:45Oh, my God!
11:47What the fuck have you done to me?
11:49It's there, it's in your hand, Sheila.
11:51I know! I'm wearing my eyes!
11:53It's a copy of it, Jesus!
11:55Jesus, I can't see anything!
11:57I'll bring you to the sink.
11:59Let's have a look.
12:00Don't you touch him, not if you've had holes in the teat house.
12:02I'm trying to!
12:03Yeah, this way. Sheila, this way.
12:05Fresh, warm water.
12:06Put it in the kitchen.
12:08Sheila.
12:09Sheila, come this way.
12:11Yeah, slap this over your back.
12:14What's the matter with you?
12:18SHE SCREAMS
12:19Hold it, Sheila!
12:21SHE SCREAMS
12:22Oh, my God!
12:23Where am I now?
12:24At home.
12:25Chats with the estate.
12:27Where am I standing?
12:28Garden.
12:30SHE GASPS
12:32SHE GASPS
12:34SHE GASPS
12:36SHE GASPS
12:38SHE GASPS
12:40SHE GASPS
12:42SHE GASPS
12:44SHE GASPS
12:46SHE GASPS
12:48SHE GASPS
12:50SHE GASPS
12:52SHE GASPS
12:54SHE GASPS
12:56SHE GASPS
12:58SHE GASPS
13:00SHE GASPS
13:02SHE GASPS
13:04SHE GASPS
13:06SHE GASPS
13:08SHE GASPS
13:10SHE GASPS
13:15I did it.
13:17I went outside.
13:19Where's Fiona gone?
13:21Five years.
13:23She's gone to live round...
13:26Steve's.
13:30Oh, my God, catch me. I think I'm gonna faint.
13:33No, you're fine, Mrs Jackson.
13:35I know.
13:38Why a lot of sales at work, then?
13:40Couple of teams of girls. We've done it for years.
13:43A team deals with deaths and overseas.
13:45B team specialises in domestic manoeuvres.
13:49Helping like-minded chicks to a runner.
13:51Yeah, money, accommodation, etc.
13:54Which one are you?
13:56You have to have military training for the A team.
13:58We're B.
14:00So, you helped Monica leave me.
14:03No, that was Cindy, I think.
14:05The two Juliettes.
14:07Oh.
14:08So, you knew you were a lezard before you fucked her?
14:11She's always been a chick, Frank.
14:13So, don't build your hopes up.
14:15She can't even look at her penis without gagging.
14:21So, what would I have to do if I went along with all this?
14:24The least. Which is lucky.
14:29He thinks he stands a chance.
14:31And he won't listen to me.
14:33And he won't listen to me.
14:35Well, don't apologise for much. Stand, yeah?
14:37I mean, everybody's entitled to give it their best shot.
14:39You can't hate them for it.
14:46But what's he doing sniffing round Chatsworth for a love life
14:49if you can get it anyway?
14:51Think about what you've just said
14:53and phone me to apologise when you've worked it out, Tony.
14:57No, I'm not saying that.
14:59You are fucking saying. I'm not good enough for him.
15:02No, no, no.
15:04Well, OK, maybe it came out wrong,
15:06but you think about what I said, Fiona.
15:08A middle-class bloke, money, a fucking house this size.
15:11Come on.
15:13You don't meet people like that.
15:15People like you do not meet people like that.
15:18Oh, yeah, and Steve loves Chatsworth so much,
15:20he asked you to move in here.
15:22No, he didn't. It was my idea.
15:24For your information, he thinks coming here is a mistake.
15:26For?
15:28Me. The kids.
15:30I have left them with my mum and her girlfriend.
15:32Neither of them capable of running that house.
15:35And it's the kids that are suffering, again.
15:38And I agree with him.
15:40It is Steve saying that. It is him talking me around.
15:43He spends more time at Alice than he does here.
15:46Half a chance he would move in permanently.
15:48What?!
15:50That's the whole fucking point!
15:57How's that normal?
15:59A 25-year-old bloke, he buys stuff like this.
16:03Oh, no, he'd rather stay on a council estate
16:05with his girlfriend and five suffering kids.
16:07None of them hers.
16:09Make it sound like a bloody pigsty.
16:11That's what it would look like to someone like him.
16:13Eh? How could it not?
16:15Think.
16:17Sorry, helmet time's up, mate.
16:19Fiona, the kids just rang. They need us round at yours now.
16:25I'm going. Think about what I said, Fiona.
16:46Let go, Stan.
16:48Didn't I say I can often surprise myself? Didn't I?
16:51I'm not in the fucking mood, Stan. Drive or get out.
16:53I'm not in the fucking mood either, so just calm down.
16:56Blue car, his, yeah?
16:58So? He didn't have to pay for it. His work does.
17:01It's nicked.
17:07The VIN number on the glasswork doesn't match the reg plate.
17:10How do you know?
17:12He went in the boot for a rag. Pair of number plates there.
17:14Not the current one.
17:16Not the original one either.
17:18Here you are again, Mr Premature Ejaculation.
17:21Buckle up. I've got work to do.
17:23Yeah, we'll nick him. We will.
17:25Oh, then we're looking at a longer-term sentence,
17:28not a holiday camp. Get me?
17:40What's going on?
17:42Your dad's got news for you.
17:46I'm dying, apparently.
17:51You what?
17:56PHONE RINGS
17:58Yeah, it's Stephen with a V.
18:01McBride.
18:0362 Wally Lane,
18:06Manchester, M14, 2KM.
18:14It's not good news.
18:16But don't blame me.
18:19Eviction notice. They want you out.
18:22The minute they've had enough of your dad,
18:25not so much the deviants.
18:27Those lies.
18:29Well, they'll laugh the next bit.
18:33You'd best come in, Mr Wolfen.
18:46Sweet Jesus, no?
18:48Birth risks and a bottle of tablets.
18:51I blame myself. So do I.
18:53We all do. I'm off to work.
18:56Work? Surely not.
18:58I fucking hated him. And I need the money.
19:08Are you OK, Mr Wilson?
19:10It was never the best job in the world.
19:12It wasn't as bad as this.
19:14Not by a long shot.
19:21Do you mind if I...?
19:24Please do.
19:26He'd appreciate it if you paid your respects.
19:35Dear Lord,
19:37help us house the tenants we could.
19:40Show compassion and mercy whenever we should.
19:44Lord,
19:46give us strength when foresight is needed
19:50to nail the ones we know who have cheated.
19:54Dear Lord,
19:56let not this trickiest job
19:58make us grand
20:01or smug
20:03or proud or snobs.
20:07Something written for me by my wife to help me get through the job.
20:10She died last summer,
20:12so I know what you're all going through.
20:15So,
20:17she'll be with me dad?
20:19No, she'll be over the other side.
20:22Probably.
20:28Dead? How?
20:30Woman over there says heart attack.
20:33Can I?
20:35Poor Frank.
20:37Yeah, there's something not right about this.
20:40Dad!
20:41Fuck off!
20:42He's been done another verse, had a crunch!
20:44Get back in the coffin!
20:46You're freaking me out. I'm having flashbacks to me mam.
20:49She's taking the piss.
20:51She's just trying to show me up in front of you.
20:53You don't need helpers, Frank.
20:55If the creditors catch up with you, you're dead anyway.
20:57Get in the coffin.
20:58Your parents must have got a clue.
20:59You know, dropping the L for normal.
21:00Oh, Frank, I never borrowed any money.
21:02I couldn't pay back.
21:03Yeah, you sad bitch.
21:04Dad!
21:05In your box.
21:06Just look at all you.
21:07Where's the L word?
21:08It's loyalty.
21:10Doing what you're told by this twisted,
21:12rug-chomping fucking chimp.
21:14It's the bailiffs!
21:15We've got papers!
21:16If it's a warrant, we're in trouble!
21:17Frank, get in the coffin!
21:20Shit!
21:21Get in quick!
21:23Shit!
21:44You piece of shit!
21:45Too late to apologise for that, love.
21:47We were only doing our jobs, right?
21:49And we feel bad enough about it.
21:51Take this, will you?
21:54It's a key.
21:55He was a good bloke, your dad.
21:56They made a lot like him.
21:57They don't mean any harm.
21:59They always think they can pay it back.
22:02Boo!
22:03You're not dead!
22:04You're not dead, are you?
22:05Fuck dead!
22:06Michael, cut it out!
22:07Two and a half hundred!
22:09I'm counting!
22:10You lost a car, one of your nicks!
22:12Michael!
22:13Michael!
22:14This is really, really sick.
22:22Hey, hey.
22:23No, look.
22:25I'm...
22:26I thought he was...
22:27I thought you were...
22:34Shit!
22:44Sheila!
22:45Come out!
22:46Help me!
22:47Help!
22:48Come out!
22:49Help me!
22:50Help!
22:51Mummy!
22:56Sheila, help me!
23:00Come on, Sheila!
23:01Now!
23:05Get off me, you bastards!
23:07Leave her alone!
23:08Mummy!
23:09Leave her alone!
23:19Sheila, you did it!
23:21Sheila, it worked!
23:22The plan worked!
23:23I did it!
23:24I did it!
23:25I did it!
23:26I did it!
23:48He's dead!
23:49And he's not coming back!
24:04I'd love to know what people thought about me when I'm dead.
24:07You wouldn't if you were Frank.
24:14He's my son.
24:18He's my son.
24:30Family only.
24:31Definitely not you.
24:33Not tonight!
24:34I'm sorry.
24:35There's a gazebo and a dartboard round the back.
24:37Freddy Punter's not carrying invitations.
24:39Frank Gallagher was a deeply valued and respected member
24:43of this community.
24:45He was a good friend, a neighbour, and he'll be sorely missed.
24:49He once told me in private that if he ever died unexpectedly,
24:53that the one thing he liked saying at his wake...
24:57..was this.
25:10Hey, you there, Marty!
25:13Who the fuck would bury anyone in a white suit?
25:15I've no idea what's happened.
25:17Well, tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be...
25:19A party!
25:30When you ready?
25:32Is it OK if I shoot off for a sec?
25:34Who you meeting?
25:37No, you've shown your face.
25:39Well done.
25:40Well done. Once I've slung this damn arm off.
25:42I thought the woman across the road was looking after Liam.
25:45Only till nine.
25:46All right, I'll come with you.
25:47No, you stay.
25:48You're not used to locking.
25:50You'll love it.
25:53MUSIC FADES
26:08So you came home to collect Liam?
26:11Liam's in bed.
26:15You see, Liam sleeps with the lights blazing.
26:18It's amazing.
26:21All the upstairs lights are off.
26:27Have I done something wrong?
26:28No, not...
26:33Five nights out of seven,
26:35Liam ends up in my bed.
26:38And that doesn't bother you?
26:40Not if I'm honest.
26:42It wasn't the question.
26:45The night you met me.
26:49Why didn't you take me back to your house?
26:52Because yours was nearer.
26:55And because I don't like mine.
26:57Sometimes, do you?
26:59I can't tell whether it's me you're interested in...
27:03or my family.
27:06What's that supposed to mean?
27:08Well, it's obvious we need all the help we can get.
27:10So how can we be good for you?
27:15MUSIC PLAYS
27:21The old hometown looks the same again
27:26As I step down from the train
27:30There to meet me
27:33Is my mama
27:36My papa
27:40Down the road I walk again
27:43Where's Steve?
27:44Shut off a while back.
27:45With or without Fiona?
27:51Wait here.
27:53The green, green grass of home
27:59Yes, they'll all come to meet me
28:04Even you.
28:06Do you want a drink, Stan?
28:07I'm on overtime.
28:09Safford's sold him a couple of these for later.
28:11Yeah, great. If I'm not in anybody's way.
28:13The green, green grass of home
28:22Sheila?
28:23I know.
28:24If I look to the left or right, this could be a nightmare.
28:27But I don't have to.
28:28There you are.
28:30I'm absolutely fine.
28:31But if I faint, don't shift it.
28:34I'll be right as rain in a few minutes.
28:36Are you allowed a drink, Sheila?
28:38Popcorn's on it for me.
28:40Mum, I'm black for Debbie.
28:42Thanks, sweetheart.
28:43Just the black. A straw, please.
28:46Everybody looks ten years older.
28:49I feel like Woody Allen.
28:50You look fantastic, Sheila.
28:52Actually, it's less disorientating if I look at Monica.
28:55She's wearing her outfit I had on when Alice went out.
29:01I mean, are you sure you should be doing this?
29:03I'm absolutely sure.
29:06I need a kiss.
29:10Come on.
29:16You don't want to be overdoing it, do you?
29:18You feel a lot safer at home.
29:21I feel alive again, Frank.
29:25And I've got a little surprise for you.
29:41I'm...
29:43I'm pregnant.
29:52We have babysit dads.
30:05Hey, Frank.
30:06You're officially dead.
30:10I am now.
30:11Yes.
30:13I like your family.
30:15I love being here.
30:17Cos every time I turn up,
30:19I feel more welcome, more satisfied
30:21and treated better than any place I've ever turned up in my life.
30:25And do you know why that is, Fiona?
30:28I'm here because you're here.
30:31I'm here for you.
30:34What do you want?
30:35Do you want somebody who doesn't like where you live?
30:38Do you want somebody who wants the total opposite?
30:40No.
30:41I don't understand what I've done wrong!
30:44Nothing.
30:45Honestly, nothing.
30:48I've been dumped on so many times.
30:51Bloody mum, bloody dad.
30:54You are so generous.
30:57With other people's money.
30:58I'm not talking about money.
31:01The way you are with the kids.
31:04The time you spend with them.
31:06They love having you around.
31:07This is where I'm confused.
31:10Generally, I think I'm quite a decent bloke.
31:17Plus,
31:19someday soon,
31:22I really want to have a family of my own.
31:28I do too.
31:31I hadn't banked on one this big, but I do too.
31:33Oh.
31:34Oh.
31:36I definitely wouldn't do that, Fiona.
31:41BMW.
31:423 Series.
31:43Registration Y586BCY.
31:48Oh, the Shogun from Leeds.
31:50No?
31:52How about the Black Merv from Didsbury?
31:54These are accusations. I'm saying nothing until I get a lawyer.
31:57Fine. Say nothing.
31:59We know what nothing means.
32:01He's a thief.
32:02He's just a ringer.
32:04That's all we've got here.
32:06And that's where the money's coming from.
32:08Don't they stay wide of this?
32:09It's all bollocks. I want a lawyer.
32:11See? It's not what Merck or what Beamer.
32:13Just, I want a lawyer.
32:14It's the surest sign you're right.
32:18How come you're on your own, Tony?
32:23It's a favour.
32:24For?
32:25The last thing I want is embarrassment for you.
32:28Are you nicking him or not?
32:30I'll leave that up to you.
32:31Oh, go on.
32:33No, I'm saying...
32:34What, Tony? What?
32:36You let him go and he can scarper,
32:38and I'm lumbered with paying bad favours to you?
32:40Fuck off.
32:41I told you months back that you weren't my type.
32:43What do you do? Blackmail?
32:45No, it's not.
32:46Glad it is, mate.
32:50You've told him no, but he's still here.
32:52Only because I love him.
33:02A bloody car thief!
33:04That's not all he is.
33:27Stephen McBride, I am arresting...
33:29Oh, no, Tony, no!
33:31You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence.
33:34Please, Tony, stop!
33:55Now, how come it's always people like you always get the wrong way, eh?
33:58You blew that, mate, not me.
34:00I am not your mate!
34:04Now, if I take you in, she won't talk to me again, will she?
34:06No.
34:08What have you got I am?
34:11I just got there before you, Tony.
34:18I promised that I'd never let anybody do that again.
34:29Look, can I smoke?
34:32Do you want to help me out here?
34:48You could get five years for this.
34:59You ever driven a three-and-a-half litre?
35:02No.
35:03Give it a try.
35:05Take it for a spin.
35:08Yeah, right.
35:10How to keep Tony quiet, buy him off.
35:12You fuck right off.
35:14I've got principles.
35:15Yeah, so have I.
35:17I've never committed a single violent crime in my life.
35:20I've never hurt anyone.
35:22I've never burgled anyone. I don't need to.
35:26It's...
35:28It's a compulsion.
35:30I just like driving other people's cars.
35:34Especially when I know they're fully comp.
35:37Just imagine it.
35:40You're nipping out for a pint of milk.
35:42Something as mundane,
35:44something as ordinary and boring as that.
35:48You're nipping out for a pint of milk.
35:50Something as mundane,
35:52something as ordinary and boring as that.
35:56You won't believe how sexy that is.
36:00Is it just because it's not your car?
36:02Precisely that.
36:05And I swear, that one,
36:07that's completely untraceable.
36:12Where would I say I got it?
36:16Bought it from me, in good faith.
36:18You give me a cheque for 15,000 pounds,
36:20I'll give you 15 grand back in cash.
36:46Mum, can I have some eggs, please?
36:48Mum, mum, no, I don't want the eggs.
36:50Mum, it's all circular, mum.
36:52Mum, mum, mum.
37:00Mum, what about my chips?
37:02Mum, I need a lot of the games tomorrow.
37:04Mum, I need ketchup.
37:06Mum, I need ketchup.
37:08Mum, I need ketchup.
37:12He's still at the nursery?
37:13Yeah, and he closes at five.
37:15Oh, my God.
37:17Mum.
37:18At least she came back.
37:20She didn't come back, she was forced.
37:22She's only here cos she can't leave.
37:24Right, hands up.
37:26Who believes her when she says she had no idea where we were living?
37:34Time for you to go, mum.
37:48BIRDS CHIRP
37:54If I'd have had a kerboy in, Tammy, last week, I'd be doing this now.
37:57Think I'd have hit her.
38:01I'll get that.
38:12Fiona, how are you?
38:14Sheila, that was fantastic.
38:16And is the other bit through?
38:18No, I just came this morning with the dates for the antenatal.
38:22I did it.
38:23Oh, congratulations.
38:25Oh!
38:27Give us some flowers, you.
38:29I was going to ask if you wanted anything from the supermarket,
38:32but we fancy coming along.
38:34Oh, my God, Frank, I can do my own shopping.
38:36Good.
38:38Hey, don't go mad, though.
38:40Oh, give over, I'm loaded.
38:42I've spent next to nothing the last five years.
38:44Ooh, maternity clothes, I love them.
38:47Bereavement cards from people who took it seriously.
38:53Good luck, kids. One man's loss can be a game for many.
38:56Victor.
38:57I'm sweating when I see him.
38:59Well, you won't have to if he thinks you're dead.
39:01THEY LAUGH
39:03And a death benefits certificate for £25 to help towards a funeral.
39:06Oh, that's sweet.
39:08It's in my name.
39:10Aw, but I'll sign it over to you.
39:12Might as well have it. If it's the last gyro, you'll see.
39:15You're a belt.
39:16Well, you can't claim if you're dead, Dad.
39:18Oh, don't be gone, Les, Frank.
39:20Even I've worked that one out.
39:25Dave, you fucking bitch!
39:27What?
39:28Fucking lezers have done this, haven't they,
39:30to get out of paying maintenance?
39:32Don't get het up about all that stuff.
39:34I claim more than enough for all three of us.
39:36No, Mum and Norma have settled for 100 in cash up front every week to me.
39:40Oh, says who?
39:41Mum and Norma.
39:42Right.
39:46Frank!
39:57I will guide you down
40:03You don't have to say you love me
40:07Just because I love you
40:10You don't have to stay forever
40:14I will understand
40:17Believe...
40:19You stitched me up, you bitch!
40:21You whores of Satan!
40:22Where's my money, you?
40:23Oh, calm down, Frank.
40:25Everybody got what they wanted.
40:26Nobody stitched anybody's.
40:27I can't even claim basic.
40:29Basic!
40:30Well, you should never have allowed her in the first place.
40:32It's not like your kids actually saw the money.
40:34Oh, well, they never saw any from her, did they?
40:37Fuck off, you stitched...
40:42Don't patronise me.
40:44Frank's a pussy, aren't you?
40:55Look out!
41:03Yeah, well...
41:06And?
41:07Okay.
41:08Okay, come on.
41:09Go on, Zoe, you fuck-like a bloke.
41:11Come on, fight like one.
41:15Yeah!
41:16Get in!
41:23Right, so you going for a beer?
41:25Three beers, please, Veronica.
41:26You were showing off.
41:30Which one's yours?
41:31It's the one at the end.
41:33Next to the derelict house.
41:35Hiya, Sheila.
41:36Hiya, Steve.
41:39Hiya, Kip.
41:40Oh, yeah.
41:43Say to me.
41:44Hey, gorgeous.
41:46Credit card didn't spur 2,000,
41:48so we had to get cash, didn't we?
41:50I loved it.
41:52Sheila, you look about three months more pregnant
41:55than the last time I saw you.
41:57It's a cushion.
41:58I'm testing the snarks.
42:00What do you think?
42:03Come on, come on, guys.
42:05Oh, yeah, we've got lagers here.
42:08We're just having a break, Fiona.
42:10Fixing Steve's boiler.
42:11Yeah.
42:12Fucking slave driver or what?
42:14Let it be and give us out with the bags.
42:16Yeah, let's sit down.
42:17Yeah.
42:21Come on.
42:22See you later.
42:33Come on.
42:45You can pack that in for a start.
42:46What?
42:47Fixing Steve's boiler.
42:48He hasn't moved in yet, you know.
42:50Yes, I have.
42:51Who asked you?
42:52Well, I took the liberty of bringing some clothes
42:54and a bit of furniture and stuff.
42:56No, you haven't.
42:57Oh, sorry.
42:58Sorry, you thought I meant your house.
43:01No, you see, I meant ours.
43:11Is he for real?
43:12Yeah.
43:13He did a cash deal.
43:14For more than it's worth, if you ask me.
43:17It took a month of hard bargaining.
43:19He weren't meant to find out until it was all done and dusted
43:21and that was long before Helmut ever got...
43:23Hey, speak of the bent little devil.
43:25Hey, Helmut!
43:27Helmut!
43:30This should be it.
43:36Oi, hey!
43:37Look.
43:40What I want to say...
43:43is Fiona, from the bottom of my heart,
43:46I love you.
43:50Happy 21st.
43:59CHEERING
44:06CHEERING
44:08WHISTLING
44:16Are you going to still be around?
44:18Erm...
44:19Let's not.
44:20Yeah, it'd be great in a fortnight.
44:22Ken reckons it'll only cost 500, not 300.
44:24That's if you want it.
44:25I'm not happy.
44:26I can be in charge next door.
44:27If I could not look back yesterday, wouldn't that be tough?
44:30A couple of grand to do it all, a couple of grand to take your furnish.
44:32Most of that will come off the insurance claim, though.
44:34What insurance claim?
44:36SCREAMING
44:38Fuck you!
44:44CHEERING
44:50LAUGHTER
44:55CHEERING
44:58That'll be your border, then, Steve.
45:00Sounds like it, Ken.
45:01Wouldn't you know it, British workmanship!
45:04CHEERING
45:09Come here!
45:17That's why Tony Blair's a no-no.
45:20Forget Iraq, never mind pensions.
45:24The only thing that gimp's achieved in eight years
45:27is making lesbians think they own the place,
45:30while working-class heroes like me
45:32are left propping the bleeding country up.
45:35Well, fuck him!
45:40Actually, don't. I bet he'd love it.
45:54MUSIC CONTINUES
46:25MUSIC CONTINUES
46:34WHISTLE
46:38You'll have to wait, you dirty boy.
46:41I promised to go and see my mum before she dies.
46:45That's my taxi!
46:54MUSIC CONTINUES