Frank stuns the family by turning up in the morning to get his post even though it's not even Giro day. When a mountain of unpaid bills and some very scary-looking bailiffs turn up at the house, the family discover that Frank is hatching a plan to get his hands on maintenance from his ex-wife Monica, even though he's not living with his kids either
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TVTranscript
00:00Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good
00:13home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of, because every single
00:20one of them reminds me a little of me. They can all think for themselves, which they've
00:26me to thank for. Fiona, who's a massive help. Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why
00:34nobody calls him Philip any more. Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,
00:39because she's disappeared into thin air. And Cal, we dare let him grow his hair for two
00:44reasons. One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah. Two, Nits love him. Debbie,
00:49sent by God, total angel. You have to check your chains, but she'll go miles out of her
00:54way to do you a favour. Plus, Liam, come and be a star, once we've got the fits under
00:59control. Steve, Fiona's boyfriend. The truth is out there. Not. Fantastic neighbours, Kev
01:09and Veronica. Lend you anything. Well, not anything. But all of them to a man. No, first
01:15and foremost, one of the most vital necessities in this life is to know how to throw a party.
01:22Over the hills, in a weird little land, live fairies and goblins with more than two hands.
01:35Some gremlins, they say, can come with four eyes. The dragons can scorch with the simplest
01:40of sighs. The scariest thing to people like us, because nothing can touch them. They're
01:46allergic to fuss, until their mother appeared, started roaming their valley, hiding and
01:52pouncing from damp, dark alleys. No noise, no chewing, no signs of a fight. Devouring
01:59the children with a plate of French fries.
02:08They swim for their souls inside her belly. She laughs at their struggle and turns them
02:16to jelly. When she burps, the ground shakes, the locals take cover, as the roar of dead
02:23children repeats over and over.
02:54I only come round when there's a jar opening. Don't go anywhere, Frank.
03:09Hang on. Hang on.
03:16Unpaid water board, 150. County court order, northwest gas, 370.
03:20For what?
03:21Er, only a gas, but gas.
03:23Catalogue bill, TV, video come back, 380.
03:26Wait, what? Someone's taking the bits you signed for the telly.
03:29You!
03:30Come on, I'll take a warning for it. All right, 90 in a shag, 80 in a bit of bloat.
03:39Yeah, but what? These are all for bishops. Can't we have a living bishop for three years?
03:42No, they're still in your name.
03:44Yeah, but what's a bloody debt good for? Until you pay it.
03:48So what's bloody watchdog all about, then?
03:50Where is it?
03:53Ah, got it.
03:55Is that Gallagher in?
03:56Who?
03:57Frank. Pay your back, Gallagher.
04:00He doesn't live here.
04:02Who are you? Who said you could come in?
04:04Two grand's worth of debt and still mounting up.
04:07Right, check out the back.
04:19Bitches.
04:37Right, come on, here. Right.
04:41Right. He pays up all he does without.
04:44And we're talking legs.
04:46Where is he?
04:48Right, telly for starters and the video.
04:51Off home for the van, get the settee, eh?
04:54You two, on your feet now!
04:56Yeah, I've stuck a tape in for 007.
04:58What?
04:59I've stuck a tape in and that's my tape.
05:03Shit!
05:04Get your hands off me!
05:06All right!
05:13You little...
05:14You touch her and I'll kill you!
05:16Frank, did your dad come this way?
05:18He doesn't live here!
05:19I've just clipped him with wing mirror.
05:21He just branched me into the van.
05:22What's going on?
05:24Debt recovery technicians.
05:26TIC security.
05:28Tony the Bard's straight in
05:30and this bastard has just kicked our car.
05:32They're after your dad.
05:34He doesn't live here.
05:35Tell them.
05:36Now, Frank Gallagher has not lived here in a while.
05:39Hey, that's funny.
05:40So how come his name's on the rent books at this address?
05:43Hey, that's funny.
05:44Which one of you breached data protection to get that then, eh?
05:49Furniture's none of your business.
05:51Belongs to Fiona.
05:53So, what are we, lads?
05:55Technicians or burglars?
06:02Sarge, you best bring the lads in.
06:14SIREN BLARES
06:24No, no, listen.
06:25The more you cover him, the more your dad's gonna take the piss.
06:28He won't change.
06:29That's my problem, Tony.
06:31No, it's you shouldering everybody else's problem
06:33while he's lapping it up round at Sheila Jackson's.
06:36They're not your kids.
06:37I don't have a choice.
06:39Well, that's exactly what I'm saying you do.
06:42You can come and live with me.
06:43What?
06:44£17,000 a year, discount mortgage, preferential insurance rates,
06:48no debts except the...
06:50Well, no, come March, I'll even own the car outright.
06:53I could change your life.
06:55I've got the life I want.
06:57And you are not blind.
06:59You know I've got a boyfriend.
07:01That bloke's not your friend.
07:02Not if he's happy leaving you in that state.
07:04You're bugging me now, Tony, and I'm late for work.
07:06Marry me.
07:09I mean it, Fiona.
07:11I love you.
07:13Marry me.
07:33What?
07:34MP3 player all over again.
07:36First you see, you buy.
07:37And you still can't get it to download, can you?
07:40I had sex with her once, Frank Gallagher's daughter.
07:43Talk about starting at rock bleeding bottom.
07:50It took you and Tamsin four years to buy a flat.
07:52Yeah, well, good decisions need time.
07:54Three months later, you're back at your mam's.
07:56Tamsin owns the flat and she's moved her brother in.
07:59Yeah, but she just needs thinking time.
08:02It is her brother.
08:03Fuck off.
08:04He's black.
08:11Come on.
08:32Sorry, Yvonne.
08:33I thought someone was following us.
08:35You're picking that up.
08:36Yeah, yeah, I will.
08:37Exactly as it was before.
08:39I will.
08:43And while you're down there, you can dust the tins.
08:48Just watch the door.
08:52Yeah, but it doesn't make sense.
08:53Why did it take three years for the creditors to catch up?
08:55Because we did a moonlight flick for our last place.
08:57Yeah, a night I'll never forget.
08:59Kids, they say I carry in furniture.
09:01Couldn't tell the word Frank said.
09:03Me and Kev thought they were Bosnians.
09:05After a week, we're wishing they had a bit.
09:06Yeah, all right, but nothing for three years
09:08and then everybody finds out at once.
09:10Steve's right.
09:11Plus, they were looking for a letter.
09:13Meaning?
09:14They were in top form.
09:15Why?
09:16What was he waiting for?
09:17He never gets letters here apart from his gyro.
09:19And all the bills were addressed to Vernon Francis Gallagher.
09:23I reckon he's broke the rules.
09:25But he's used his full name somewhere.
09:30You go, Veronica.
09:31If he's a bagel, say I'm out.
09:33Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
09:39It's never little Fiona.
09:41No, it's little Veronica.
09:43What do you want?
09:46Mr Wilson, housing officer.
10:09Come on!
10:18Don't lose him, John!
10:35Hello, Frank.
10:38Hello.
10:44Hey, Frank, while you're down there,
10:46can you just mod that sick up?
10:50Philip.
10:52Ian.
10:54Deborah.
10:55Debbie.
10:56Carol.
10:58And...
11:03Nope.
11:04Liam.
11:05Get away.
11:06Gallagher.
11:08You're never gonna live that one down, my son.
11:13You wee tinker.
11:15So, where's your dad?
11:17He don't live here.
11:19This house has 68 berths.
11:21I've got people on the list looking for houses this size.
11:24So if all the berths aren't in use, you're out?
11:27Plus, there's me.
11:30Who are you?
11:31I'm Frank's eldest, Stevie.
11:34So, Frank's...
11:35Still in Iraq.
11:37Come again?
11:38He joined the army.
11:39Now, I know you're pulling my leg,
11:41cos I was on the phone to Frank yesterday.
11:43We had an appointment here.
11:44Never kid a kidder.
11:47I don't like being lied to.
11:52Start again.
11:53It's four bedrooms or five here.
11:56Four? Why?
11:58Request from the Child Support Agency
12:00for a domestic circumstances appraisal.
12:03Their phrase, not mine.
12:05Hang on.
12:06What's any of this got to do with the Child Support Agency?
12:09Presumably because your mum asked for a summary.
12:18Mum?
12:21You know where she is?
12:26Don't you?
12:29So who filed a claim against her if your dad's not living here?
12:44What have you done?
12:53Now, do us a favour.
12:56Ring this number.
12:58Find out if Monica's there.
13:00If she is, then tell her congratulations, she's won.
13:06Who's Monica?
13:07Doesn't matter.
13:08Won what?
13:09Well, you know, whatever.
13:11A lottery.
13:12Teddy bear.
13:13For what?
13:14Just do as you're told and make the call.
13:17Just a teddy bear.
13:20Massive.
13:22Just say that.
13:25And I hope Monica, whoever she is, worked very hard for it.
13:40Hey.
13:41Hey.
13:43God.
13:44What, you think I'm going around chasing skirt?
13:47God, give over, Sheila.
13:49Bloke couldn't love anybody more than I love you.
13:56Come on, she's not really won it, Teddy.
14:02And if I was giving away a teddy,
14:04you'd be absolutely top of the list.
14:10I'll let you give us one of the biggest in the box.
14:16Sure you're ready for that?
14:20Yeah, just give us a couple of aspirin, get it over your tummy.
14:24Then you ring Monica.
14:27Yeah?
14:51Michael, over.
14:55Anything your end, George, over.
14:59Nothing, Michael, over.
15:03This'll be ready in a sec, over.
15:07Am I coming over, over?
15:11Yeah, come over, over.
15:24Hello.
15:33Hello, hello.
15:55Is he not in here?
15:57He didn't go home.
15:58Well, she's great for the till, so don't go cheering him up.
16:13You know where Mum is, don't you?
16:15No.
16:16Liar. We've had the housing officer round.
16:18You know where she is cos you've filed a claim against her.
16:21They know where she is and won't give us the address.
16:25We have got bailiffs front and back cos of you.
16:27Oh, here we go, cos of me. No-one blames your mam, did he?
16:30No-one has a go at that pan-faced, gutless bitch.
16:32Bloody right I've made a claim.
16:36The pain she's caused me.
16:38Shit, Monica's loaded on me.
16:40She's living it up with a bloke in Mostow
16:42and I'm fetching up six kids on fucking peanuts.
16:45You are not bringing up six kids. You never brought up six kids.
16:48I am. If there's any money coming, it's owed to me.
16:52How do you know she's in Mostow?
16:55Jackie Peasgood gave me her number.
16:59Yes, that's how the CSA traced her.
17:02It's a Mostow code.
17:16Have you talked to her?
17:18Oh, well, fuck.
17:20If she finds out I'm on to her, we won't see her for dust, will we?
17:23I want to see that money.
17:28What?
17:31She thinks she's won a teddy.
17:35Monica?
17:37Oh, hello. It's Sheila here
17:40from Cost Chopper, the mini-market.
17:45I'm delighted to announce
17:47you've won the raffle.
17:51It's a teddy bear.
17:55First prize. Biggest teddy there is.
18:00I know.
18:05I've never won anything either.
18:08I bet you're thrilled, aren't you?
18:11I'm thrilled for you.
18:13Anyway, prize-giving's at six o'clock.
18:18Carol Vorderman's making the presentation.
18:22She doesn't know who Carol is.
18:25How could you not know who Carol Vorderman is?
18:29Anyway, it's six on the dot.
18:33Richard Whiteley might be there, I know.
18:37Bye, Monica.
18:40She's never heard of Richard Whiteley.
18:42Is she coming?
18:44Richard Whiteley?
18:46Did she say she was picking up the prize or not?
18:48Yes.
18:50Big daft moo.
18:54How do you know her, anyway?
18:57If she's daft enough to show her face,
18:59I'm going to follow her and find out exactly where she's hiding.
19:01We need you at home when Wilson comes back.
19:04Well, when's he offering?
19:06Tomorrow. Eleven o'clock.
19:08All right, I'll see if I can make it.
19:10You will not see if you can anything.
19:11You will bloody well be there and sort this out.
19:16Bloody Frank.
19:46Monica.
20:03Monica.
20:16Monica.
20:25All right, what kind of money are we talking?
20:27Over seven grand so far.
20:29Christ, would your dad spend it all?
20:30Not the house.
20:31Not close.
20:32Not food.
20:33Here we go.
20:34One of the original labour-saving devices,
20:36eaten only by the vibrator.
20:39Monica.
20:40What?
20:41They all know what a vibrator is.
20:43That may be, but it's not for discussion in an open house.
20:45Oh, grow up.
20:46Right, if it dries up, just gob on it.
20:50See?
20:51Right, kids, what am I doing?
21:16Look at the state of that!
21:18Ow!
21:19Your idea of a joke?
21:21Cos you're scared of women with opinions, eh?
21:25Well, watch this space, crinkle dick.
21:29I'll show you what's funny
21:31when I rip the face off your fucking head,
21:34you twisted fascist old shit!
21:36I'll show you what's funny
21:38when I rip the face off your fucking head,
21:41you twisted fascist old shit!
21:45SHE GASPS
21:52Are you sure you got the right shot?
21:54Yeah.
21:55I'm asking you to think, Monica,
21:57did this here cost you?
21:59Yeah, I wrote it down.
22:01I wrote everything down.
22:03Stop talking to me like I'm stupid.
22:09SHE SOBS
22:15Frank?
22:17What?
22:18It's Frank!
22:24Frank!
22:39I couldn't see a thing cos the truck was in the way.
22:41Did you see the nurses?
22:42She's seen me.
22:43Come on, come on, she's here, she's here!
22:45Who's going to boot?
22:46Her bloke, the truck driver.
22:47What's all that about?
22:48Oi!
22:49Come on, floor it, Kevin, we're done for.
22:51Hurry up!
22:54Oh, yeah, there you are!
23:10Come on, faster than this, you godless dick!
23:13If it weren't faster than this, I'd have got rid of it long since.
23:15Why the hell didn't you tell me she was a leather?
23:17Oh, hello, if I'd have known she was a leather,
23:19I'd have backed her back, wouldn't I?
23:24Next exit, Kev.
23:31Come on!
23:43What did I tell you?
23:45Milk and egg mixed by whisk, coat very gently, it'll always crisp.
23:48You're fantastic, Sheila.
23:50You're fantastic, Sheila.
23:52Thanks to you, the new Delia.
23:54Actually, I've lost patience with Delia since the new haircut.
23:57It's too severe.
23:59Plus, she never writes back.
24:03SHE SCREAMS
24:05What?!
24:06What about the bloody car?
24:08Get it shifted, you dink!
24:10Ginger nonsense!
24:12You're crossing the line here, Frank.
24:13Ginger's all I've got left of me dad, so I'm warning you!
24:20HEAVY BREATHING
24:43Sheila, key, back door key, where have you put it?
24:45I'm trying to concentrate a little bit here, Frank, thank you.
24:51Mum.
24:53Mum?!
25:15Debbie?
25:20SHE SIGHS
25:43Hey, it's now two of me, I'm just the driver.
25:46That's driving!
25:48Anyway, I've got to get back to work, I told them I'd only be a half hour.
25:52Plenty of other jobs.
25:56That were a filthy, bloody trick.
25:59I had me heart set on that teddy.
26:01Oh! Oh, teddy, is it? Heart set, is it?
26:04So what about your kids? You know, your six kids?
26:07Youngest being four months old when you ran off with fucking Shrek.
26:11Am I answering that moniker?
26:13No.
26:15I didn't leave you, Frank.
26:17You bloody did, you pissed off!
26:19I didn't leave me family, you'd done just about your worst to destroy me.
26:23When I turned up at Norma's that night, I was like a bloody...
26:26Emotional cripple.
26:28..total emotional cripple with not one iota of self-respect.
26:31You drove me into the ground.
26:33You'd robbed me of any dignity I ever had and...
26:40Where's the rest of the kids?
26:42They're living under the owners.
26:48MUSIC PLAYS
26:58George, over. Michael, over.
27:00Oi! Come on, sit down, mate.
27:04Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
27:06Yes?
27:08You.
27:10I've done more than five.
27:12Movie's ready? Yes.
27:16Debbie!
27:36DOOR KNOCKS
27:42What's up, sweetheart?
27:45Did he have one too many?
27:47Oh.
27:49Just ignore him.
27:51Why do you always blame Dad first?
27:54DOOR SLAMS SHUT
28:04Hey! Come on!
28:10I'm going round Sheila's.
28:13Mum's round there.
28:24Oh, Christ, Fiona came here.
28:33Is this... Is this a good idea?
28:35I don't know. It wasn't mine, was it?
28:38She just rolled up, scared the shit out of Debbie.
28:41Listen.
28:43Listen.
28:49I know how you feel.
28:54You can't.
28:57What if you just go round?
28:59I'll come and watch you.
29:01Look at the faces, for fuck's sakes.
29:04I'll be with you.
29:06We both will, won't we?
29:11Wrong call.
29:13Cos I am not fucking coming.
29:17SHE GASPS
29:19You abused her?
29:21Oh, she asked me to.
29:22Walloping her?
29:24What?
29:26When?
29:27Frank, you never!
29:28Oh, fuck off. When?
29:29That Maybank holiday.
29:31Oh, you hit me in the face with a pan of fucking potty.
29:33And you hit me back!
29:34So, Queensbury Rolls, you broke me nose and two front teeth.
29:37What's a casualty looking like? I'm fucking with you.
29:39You started it, you mad bitch.
29:41And I'll finish it if you lay a finger on her.
29:44Norma, we're both just third parties here.
29:46Why don't we both just duck out and leave Monica to make her apologies?
29:50Apologies? For walking out on this piece of shit?
29:53Not particularly.
29:55For walking out on them.
30:01Oh, my God.
30:03It's all right. I'm not one of yours.
30:05Just came for a look.
30:07Oh, get in.
30:14Come on, let us in.
30:19I know you don't need anybody, Debs, but...
30:26..what if I do?
30:44SHE SOBS
31:01HEAVEN
31:03FEMALE GENITAL MUTILATION
31:05SHE SOBS
31:09SHE SCREAMS
31:14Monica's...
31:21She looked absolutely beautiful.
31:26But I miss her.
31:28SHE SOBS
31:44I'll have paid this house off by the time I'm 54.
31:48We've put down a big deposit.
31:53You used to love eggs?
31:55Not so much these days, not since Frank.
31:59My mum had a pair before they were even fashionable.
32:02I remember thinking, this is a long way off.
32:05SHE SOBS
32:07What the fuck are you on, Sheila?
32:09Oh, God, now you're asking.
32:11Um...
32:13Seroxin, 350mg.
32:15Breakfast and tea time.
32:17Dipipinol, 25s.
32:19Three times daily.
32:21Praxol, 200s.
32:23No, I tell her, like, 400s.
32:25Come Monday, just breakfast and, um...
32:28..coffee.
32:30I don't know.
32:32I don't know.
32:34Come Monday, just breakfast and, um...
32:37..carbamazepam.
32:39Er, whatever I'm up to.
32:43I am not in love
32:48But I'm open to persuasion
32:53East or west
32:56Who's the best
32:59For romancing
33:05I can smell
33:08A wooden lover I can hold my head by
33:11Really laugh, really laugh
33:21What are you stepping your arse out for?
33:24It's just a box of shoes.
33:26SHE WHISTLES
33:28Frank, you're scaring the dogs.
33:30Saying that about scaring them is an improvement.
33:33Save your Baba 200 rings.
33:35I'm doing this for you.
33:37No, you're not, Dad. You're doing this cos you're Dad if you don't.
33:40George, over.
33:41Michael, over.
33:42There's a ropey old bird here with the eldest daughter.
33:45His missus, probably.
33:46She looks more hungover than he does,
33:48so I bet he's not far away.
33:50Keep your eyes peeled, your end.
33:52Over.
33:53Over.
33:55I'll be a bit early.
33:57If you think I'm walking back in these,
33:59you've got another fucking thing coming.
34:04Oh, Frank.
34:07Never.
34:08Look, there's blokes out there...
34:10I don't want to know about blokes out there.
34:13Not from you.
34:14Fuck off.
34:15That sounded far-fetched.
34:17Now we know why I've started,
34:19so I might as well finish.
34:22Now we know why I've started,
34:24so I might as well finish.
34:28Are you living here, officially, or not?
34:31Well, I'm here, aren't I?
34:33Certainly are.
34:35But sleeping where?
34:37My bedroom, back left.
34:38Hey, look, Billy, how long have we known each other?
34:41I think I know his sight more than I wanted.
34:45Back left is Debbie's room.
34:46No.
34:47Yeah.
34:53How many beds, Deborah?
34:57Do I nip upstairs and look?
34:59Single.
35:00We chucked the double out when...
35:04Will you stop?
35:06Right now?
35:07I am way out of my league.
35:09Billy, Mr Wilson, don't do that, cos Dad's right.
35:12Well, they made me do this.
35:14You see, I've got to avoid people, you see.
35:16You're avoiding them, Frank?
35:17Yeah.
35:18Is that right, Frank?
35:19That's right.
35:20How long have I been doing this job?
35:21I'm not a scaredy cat.
35:23I housed your mum when she was on parole.
35:25Nobody else would touch her.
35:26I know, I know.
35:27You were a teenager.
35:28I've done nothing but favours.
35:31But now you've had it.
35:35That's your copy of the report.
35:37Good luck with the CSA claim,
35:39cos when you get it, I want two grand off you.
35:42What for, for fuck's sake?
35:45Rent arrears from your last address in your other name.
35:49And don't think you'll get away with that one,
35:51cos I'll haunt you till the day you die
35:53for every last penny, madam.
35:59What did you do that for?
36:01Mr Wilson, are you OK?
36:03That's all you can do.
36:05He'll do you for assault now, you gormless prick.
36:07You're OK, Mr Wilson.
36:08What, he started it.
36:12It's all right, it's all right.
36:15Keep your head back in places, please.
36:17Come on, bitch!
36:28I can't do this.
36:36I'm trying.
36:40I'm sorry.
36:43I can't do this.
36:50Your wife's gone walkabout, George.
36:52She's looking a bit knocked about, over.
36:54Well, rough as arseholes, actually. Over.
36:57Ciao, Michael.
37:00A bloke from housing's just come home with a busted nose. Over.
37:05He must be in there. Go, go, go.
37:07I'll talk to the missus. Over.
37:12Over.
37:42Over.
37:59Is anyone around here normal?
38:13Do you think you're clever, Frank?
38:15Do you reckon this is clever?
38:21Steady on, Michael.
38:24Do you know what your new name is, Frank?
38:26Do you know what people are calling you around here?
38:28Dead man walking.
38:30So when you're changing to your nightie,
38:32just sleep on this for us.
38:36Do you want one?
38:38No.
38:40Do you want one?
38:42No.
38:43Then clean it up and fuck off!
38:49You and all!
38:52Many.
38:55Ciao, mate. 2.30.
38:58Look.
39:07I'm not in market for business, love.
39:10Who's fucking asking?
39:12I only wanted a light.
39:16Sorry.
39:20It's just that, well...
39:22Today's been a bit, you know...
39:24You know...
39:26New job.
39:28Trying to get used to it.
39:30Who do you work for?
39:32Security.
39:34Yay!
39:35I know, I'm not proud of it.
39:38Lost my job.
39:39I've got three kids.
39:41And a new mortgage.
39:43I love kids, me.
39:44And I love mortgages.
39:46We're in that order.
39:49So, what have you got, then?
39:51Right, well, I've got an endowment,
39:53a repayment, and a new one's a tracker.
39:55Tracker? How does that work?
39:57Goes up and down my interest rates.
39:59Up and down, does it?
40:00Yeah.
40:01You'll have to tell me about that one.
40:02Oh, I'll get you a leaflet.
40:03Oh, yeah?
40:04Yeah.
40:06Come on, darling, come and have some tea.
40:08I'm not very hungry.
40:11Come on, darling, come and have some tea.
40:13I'm not very hungry.
40:16Come on, darling, come and have some tea.
40:18I'm not very hungry.
40:34Nice and clean.
40:36Even, Karl.
40:38You've, er...
40:40You've, er...
40:42You've, er...
40:44You've, er... done well here.
40:46Thanks.
40:47It's bigger than mine, and I'm working.
40:52Oh, look!
40:54Remember Barbara?
40:56Mum's sister, Barbara.
40:57Oh, I told you about her, married to the John with no eyebrows.
41:00Why?
41:01Barbara gave me this as part of me wedding present.
41:04Oh, the part being what?
41:06SHE LAUGHS
41:15DOORBELL RINGS
41:27When did you last see the car?
41:29It was parked outside.
41:30When did you last have the keys?
41:32In here, in my pocket.
41:34In here?
41:36All right.
41:37Who's the smart-arse?
41:41I'll count to five.
41:43FIVE!
41:44FOUR!
41:45THREE!
41:46TWO!
41:47ONE!
41:48Wait, the fucking space! Fold it up!
41:50Your phone was in the car.
41:52Get out!
41:53CHEERING
42:14SIGHS
42:16Look, I know what you all think of me,
42:18that if I have to start apologising,
42:20I'll be undoing a lot of good therapy
42:22that Norma's been kind enough to pay for.
42:25Thank you, Norma.
42:33You got kids, Norma?
42:35Not yet. Have you got a problem with that?
42:37Norma...
42:38I'm just trying to work out which one of you
42:40came up with the idea of her vanishing.
42:42Mum, doing a disappearing act.
42:45Liam wasn't desperate, cos he was only three months old.
42:49Debbie was.
42:51Karl was, Ian was, Lip was.
42:53I was.
42:54I thought you were dead.
43:00I'm a lesbian, Fiona.
43:02Is she?
43:04How was I meant to come back and tell you that?
43:07Gently.
43:09In stages or never.
43:11So is she.
43:13Your mum's been through hell and high water, Fiona.
43:15Yeah.
43:16Better believe it, girl.
43:17You could have popped back for five minutes.
43:19You might have mentioned you were still alive.
43:21Might have helped.
43:22You weren't.
43:24I wasn't alive, Fiona.
43:26Not till I met Norma.
43:29Look, I swear to you, Fiona,
43:31I stuck it in me diary to ring you next week,
43:34for your 21st, you know, to say hello and well done.
43:37What good were that meant to do?
43:39I mean, she's done a great job. Look at you all.
43:42I swear to you, Lip, to all of you,
43:44I'd never have left if I didn't think Fiona could cope.
43:47I taught her everything she knows.
43:49She could run rings round your dad before she was seven.
43:51I knew you'd be safe.
43:53Were you cool, couldn't you?
43:55I mean, it's not like I left anybody in a mess.
43:58I knew Fiona could cope.
44:05Lip, Ian, tell her how many GCSEs you're doing.
44:08I'm doing ten.
44:09Seven or eight, I'm not too sure yet.
44:11Debbie, prizes this year.
44:13English, maths, chemistry and neatness.
44:15Karl, you tell her what you built when you went to Swindon.
44:19Triple cushion, double airfoil, streamlined hovercraft.
44:22Went like a bomb.
44:23Hovercraft, to you.
44:24What was he doing in Swindon?
44:26Two-week residential for speech therapy.
44:28Took me a year to get him a place, but I did it.
44:31So, yeah, I coped, thanks.
44:33No thanks. Not to you.
44:35Look, if anybody could change your dad, she could.
44:38I knew that.
44:39He hasn't changed. How's he changed?
44:41Well, he's a lot cleaner.
44:43He's about as much help to us as you've been.
44:45We'd have been better off without both of you.
44:47But you couldn't have known that when you fucked off and left us to it, could you?
44:50You didn't know.
44:51You never bothered finding out.
44:57I told you I'd get all the blame, didn't I?
45:00I talked to loads of people, right,
45:02and I heard how you were getting on.
45:04Big fucking deal.
45:05How? I'm not happy with all this underage swearing.
45:08Oh, that's fine, Norma, cos I'm fucking off anyway.
45:11I am proud of every one of them,
45:13and I am proud of me for pulling it off.
45:16But they're your kids, so you take over from here.
45:20Housing office, bailiffs, schools, clinic.
45:25Over to you.
45:26Mum!
45:34Mum!
45:49Hey, Fiona, are you OK?
45:56You're out. Drive.
46:05Crazy
46:08I'm crazy
46:10For feeling so lonely
46:17I'm crazy
46:20I'm crazy
46:22For feeling so blue
46:27The bitch, as she's called in the company of elves,
46:30brought this tormenting curse upon herself.
46:33She'd been on a bender and staggered home pissed,
46:36found an ape and some Rizzlers and rolled out a spliff.
46:39Got the munchies and reached for the handiest snack.
46:42She ate her own kids and then spat them straight back.
46:45Forgive me, my beauties, what a dreadful mistake.
46:49The children can't hear her.
46:51They've gone. It's too late.
46:55Jesus, no.
46:57Both wrists and the bottle of chocolates.
47:00I blame myself.
47:02Dad.
47:03Oh, woman over there says heart attack.
47:08I don't understand what have gone wrong.
47:10Two and a half years and counting.
47:13Stephen McBride, I'm arresting you on suspicion.
47:16I want a lawyer.
47:18He's dead and he's not going back.
47:32La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
47:37La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
47:42La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
47:47La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
47:52La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
47:57La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
48:01La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la