The Alvin Show

Fine flower
Fine flower
  • la semaine dernière
Transcription
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01:47Watch it there, Calvin.
02:18Hello, Colonel Montgomery J. Clarkson speaking.
02:22Hmm. Ah, what's that?
02:26Oh, you can't.
02:29But you have.
02:31Oh, no.
02:33Oh, no.
02:34What's the matter, Colonel?
02:36That was my wife, Maggie Bell.
02:38She and her sneaky sister went out and got a job for me starting tomorrow.
02:44They sold the old colonel down the river of employment.
02:55You get out of this house and get to work, you loafer.
02:58Don't you scream at me.
02:59Don't you scream at me, not to scream at you.
03:02Don't you scream at my sister while she's screaming at you.
03:06Don't you scream at me while I'm screaming at my wife.
03:08Quiet!
03:11Help me! Help me!
03:14Driving trucks and delivering television sets is beneath my dignity as a southern gentleman.
03:19Ha! Anything heavier than 10 pounds is beneath your dignity.
03:25A morning man?
03:29You lose this job, Montgomery, and out you go for good.
03:32We'll throw you out lock, stock and mandolin.
03:36You can't threaten Colonel Montgomery J. Clarkson.
03:40We Clarksons stood fast at Antietam, Shiloh, Gettysburg and Chicago.
03:48Sure was the shark wall, wasn't it, sir?
03:58That shook loose a thought from the old Colonel Cerebellum here.
04:02I ought to get someone to lift them heavy television sets for me.
04:06Someone with a strong back and a weak mind.
04:10Hey, you like that?
04:12I describe my good friend Calvin Burnside.
04:24You sure this is the way that Ed Sullivan got started?
04:29Sure. Now let's get moving here, boy.
04:33Look out there!
04:36Watch it, watch it there!
04:48I either popped my pancreas or slipped my sacroiliac here.
04:54How's that?
04:56Okay, but I think you over-straightened me. Now my shoelaces are too tight.
05:01Go in that drug store, call the boss at the TV store and find out where our next pickup is.
05:07I better stay here and rest up.
05:09Let me check the headlines here and see who the government's giving our money away to this week.
05:14Oh, by the way, Calvin, the phone number is Plaza 4321.
05:19Plaza 4321.
05:23Plaza 4321.
05:31Arrows Television Service. I'm calling for Colonel Claxton.
05:35That you, you big dummy?
05:37No, sir, this is his friend.
05:39I'm a different big dummy.
05:42The colonel wants to know where the next pickup is.
05:45I got a set to be picked up over at 1431 Riverside.
05:49I got a set to be picked up over at 1431 Riverside Drive, Apartment E.
05:55Tell him to get right on it.
05:57Roger, Wilco, over and out.
06:021431 Riverside Drive, Apartment E.
06:08I wish I had a pencil. I think I can remember that.
06:121431 Riverside Drive, Apartment E.
06:17Calvin Burnside, how are you?
06:21One, four, uh, uh...
06:26Howdy-do.
06:30Calvin, you remember me.
06:33I'm Gladys, the waitress at the 330 Club.
06:37Uh, the 330 Club?
06:39Yes, on 136th Street.
06:431431 Riverside Drive, Apartment E.
06:48Is there something wrong?
06:50Oh, no.
06:52Calvin, why don't you give me a ring sometime?
06:56I got a new number.
06:58New number?
07:00Yes. Instead of Monument 9999, it's been changed to Morningside 7796.
07:09Yeah, Morningside 7796.
07:14I'll call you, honey.
07:15Bye now.
07:17I'll just give that address to the colonel.
07:20Now, what was that number again?
07:23Calvin, I was just checking on the Lucky Buck contest in the newspaper here.
07:29The winning number today is 555-6321-L.
07:36Five, five, five, six, three, two, one, L.
07:41Uh, yeah. Uh, we got any pickups?
07:43Uh, yeah, colonel. We got to pick up a TV set at, uh...
07:48Uh...
07:519999 Morningside Drive, Apartment L.
07:57Uh, you sure you got that ring, Calvin?
07:59Of course I have.
08:01I memorized it right after I ran into that little chick from the 1431 Club.
08:32That's you singing, sister, too?
08:34That sure is me, Maggie.
08:36I was just recalling when I was the belle of the ball back in Nashville.
08:41I could clap. I had more gentleman friends than the South had boll weevils.
08:48Sister, I feel kind of sad.
08:50You know, this week is my uncle Gunway's birthday.
08:53I'd feel sad, too, if I was married to a shank-sprung old foof like that.
08:59Oh, he didn't really get foofed up till I had him a while.
09:03You're forgetting what a foreflusher he always was.
09:07I remember when he was caught in you.
09:09All his talk about his big plantation.
09:12Well, he did have that old southern mansion.
09:16Ha! That's the first old southern mansion I ever saw where they smoked hams in the living room.
09:23I still think I ought to get him something for his birthday.
09:27I just know he's gonna do all right on this television job.
09:32Don't you believe it, Maggie Belle.
09:34Ha! He'll find a way to get himself fired before the week's out.
09:53Yes?
09:55How did you...
09:58Excuse me, ma'am, but I'm Calvin Burnside.
10:02That's with a big B.
10:04And we've come here to pick up your little old television set.
10:08My television set?
10:10Yeah, this is 9999 Morningside Drive, Apartment L, isn't it?
10:16Yes, but...
10:17Well, we got an order to pick up a set here, honey child.
10:21I guess my husband called you from the office and forgot to tell me.
10:25Hmm. Husband, huh?
10:27Where's the set, madam?
10:29Right in here.
10:31How come all married women have got husbands?
10:34There it is.
10:36It's got TV, a tape recorder, FM, AM, hi-fi, record changer, monaural and stereo.
10:45You know, it makes me self-conscious being in a room with a machine that's smarter than I am.
10:51Well, I have to go shopping now.
10:54You will be careful, won't you?
10:56Ha! They call me Careful Calvin.
11:09Don't worry about a thing, lady.
11:11Ah, nice looking girl there, Calvin.
11:13Yeah, she looks like a toothpaste tube that's been squeezed in all the right places.
11:20Never mind that. You get a grip on the set there and I'll be right with you.
11:27Well, I knew television was getting pretty crummy, but I didn't know it had sunk this low.
11:33Hmm, this ought to do it.
11:35Hmm, this ought to do it.
11:45Now I got this in.
11:47Now you go around and lift up your end.
11:49Okay.
11:50Alley-oop.
11:54Keep coming.
11:55Watch where you're going. I can't see over this thing.
11:58Wait a minute, wait a minute.
12:00Something just shook hands with my backbone.
12:02That must be the doorknob. Open it up and we'll get this thing out in the hall.
12:06Keep coming. Keep coming.
12:09All clear. Four and a half.
12:11Easy now.
12:13Hold it, Colonel.
12:15What's the matter?
12:16We backed ourselves into a closet.
12:18I can't see my face in front of my hands here.
12:21Well, feel around for the doorknob.
12:23Yeah, I'll feel around and... I got it.
12:26Hmm, sure is cold.
12:28Get your head off my nose, will you?
12:30I thought that was kind of wet for a doorknob.
12:33Uh-oh.
12:34What?
12:35There is no doorknob.
12:37Listen, Calvin, we got to get out of here.
12:40Now stand aside there a minute. I'm going to get a running start at that door.
12:44One, two...
12:46I just found a...
12:48Three...
12:49Doorknob.
12:51Calvin, what are you trying to do to me?
12:53If I mess up this job, Maggie Bell and her sister
12:56are going to book me into the factory ward for an unlimited engagement.
13:00Yeah, I wonder if Ed Sullivan got this bruised up learning television.
13:05Oh, shut up and let's go here.
13:21All right, keep coming.
13:23Keep coming.
13:24Hold it, hold it.
13:26There's the stairs.
13:27Yeah, they is mighty steep stairs.
13:32It's going to take us a long time to get this big set down that Grand Canyon.
13:36Nothing to it, Calvin.
13:38We'll have it down in a jiffy.
13:40Now, I'll go first.
13:41All right, keep coming.
13:43Keep coming.
13:45I'm coming.
13:46I'm coming.
13:51I'm coming.
14:13You know, Colonel, it didn't take us as long to get down here as I thought it would.
14:19You big dummy, look at that pile of junk.
14:22Yeah, that is the loosest TV set I've ever seen.
14:27I don't think Mr. Harrell's going to like this.
14:29Now, listen, it was a legitimate accident.
14:32He's got insurance, and if we play our cards right,
14:35we might even get workman's compensation out of this mess.
14:39I'll go fool Mr. Harrell and tell him what happened.
14:41Yeah, and in the meantime, what should I tell the woman if she comes back?
14:45Don't tell her nothing, Calvin.
14:47Just act dumb.
14:49Well, if I put my mind to it, I think I can act reasonably stupid.
15:03Hello, Harrell's TV Repair.
15:05Oh, Mr. Harrell, this is Colonel Claxton.
15:08Oh, is it really you this time or that other dummy?
15:11No, no, this isn't him.
15:13This is the head dummy.
15:15And I've got something to ask you, Mr. Harrell.
15:17Well, I've got something to ask you.
15:19When are you going to pick up that TV set?
15:21Well, we, uh...
15:23The man's been waiting at his apartment all afternoon.
15:26Well, Mr. Harrell, you're not talking about the set at 9999
15:30Morningside Drive, apartment L, are you?
15:32Course not.
15:34I'm talking about the set at 1431 Riverside Drive, apartment E.
15:41Excuse me, Mr. Harrell.
15:43Could you repeat that?
15:45Your words slipped past my eardrum before I could get a grip on them.
15:491431 Riverside Drive, apartment E.
15:54Hmm.
15:56I wonder if workman's compensation covers the ears.
16:00Well, Mr. Harrell, I'll get right over there and pick it up.
16:041431 Riverside Drive, apartment E.
16:341431 Riverside Drive, apartment E.
17:05Oh, I dare say by the time they book him,
17:08he'll realize that his digital extremities have been gripping the burlap.
17:15Oh.
17:16That the boob's been left holding the bag.
17:35Name?
17:36Calvin, uh, uh, uh, Calvin, uh, uh, uh, Burn.
17:41Well, he's burned something, uh.
17:43Oh, yeah, yeah, Burnside.
17:45Empty your pockets.
17:48Give me your right hand.
17:52Hold it.
17:54Oof.
17:55Okay, now a profile.
17:57Oof.
18:00That's him, the big dumb one.
18:11I got a rough idea. Something's gone wrong.
18:14I'm gonna kill that colonel.
18:21You get an axe and I'll get a saw
18:24And we'll cut off the legs of my sister-in-law
18:28Oh, darling, what did you say about my sister?
18:30Uh, nothing, nothing, honey.
18:32Just humming to myself, that's all.
18:34We're going out and do some shopping.
18:36How do we look?
18:37Yes.
18:38Aren't these new short skirts attractive on men, sister?
18:42Well, I don't like to criticize,
18:44but your kneecaps have always been kind of bony.
18:47But I've seen smoother joints on a drainpipe.
18:51One more crack like that and your teeth will be green
18:54One more crack like that and your teeth will be green
18:56and us from behind the radiator.
18:58Ah, yes, Maggie Bell, honey.
19:00We'll be back after a while.
19:02Oh, by the way, that stupid lawyer of yours called
19:05and said to tell you that Calvin was out.
19:08What does that mean?
19:10Well, I don't have the least idea, sweet lamb.
19:14Calvin's out?
19:25Don't just stand there, dummy. Give me a hand.
19:28If that big stupid Calvin ever got in here,
19:31he'd turn me into Colonel Burgess.
19:34He's gonna, he's gonna, uh, the thing here, uh, he, uh,
19:40Are you in there, Colonel?
19:43Montgomery, I'm really going to work on that face of yours.
19:47I'm gonna close everything that's open
19:49and open everything that's closed.
19:51You certain of that?
19:53Yes, sir.
19:55Well, come on.
19:57You've been in jail.
19:59You've been in jail, geez.
20:02Good.
20:03I'm going to go out and give you a hand,
20:05just you wait and see.
20:08Tu m'as dit que tu étais sérieux, n'est-ce pas?
20:10Ecoute, j'ai dû payer à cette femme 300 dollars pour le set de télévision
20:14avant que ce juge m'arrête de sortir de cet iron motel.
20:17Et je vais le faire sortir de ta chambre.
20:19Attends un instant, tu ne t'attaquerais pas à un homme avec un mal de ventre, n'est-ce pas?
20:22Tu n'as pas de mal de ventre.
20:24Oh non, j'en avais un pour le déjeuner.
20:39C'est l'heure du déjeuner.
20:54Tout va bien.
20:56Vas-y, frappe-moi, Yankee.
20:59Yankee, je viens de la même ville que toi.
21:02Vas-y, frappe-moi les étoiles dans les bars.
21:06Oh, je ne ferais pas ça.
21:07Retourne-toi, Stonewall Jackson,
21:10les garçons en gris, les magnolias,
21:13les chitlins, le cornepon,
21:16et tout ce que nous gardons secret, les gens du sud.
21:19Mais, Colonel...
21:20Faites attention, ils viennent de notre rue.
21:38Regardez-le s'en aller.
21:40Cette guerre civile vient d'arriver, n'est-ce pas?
21:49Montgomery, on est à la maison.
21:52Où es-tu?
21:54Lamy Pie.
21:56Lamy Pie?
21:57Pourquoi es-tu souriant?
21:59Je n'ai jamais vu toi sourire comme ça
22:01depuis que l'avocat a lu la volonté de ton père.
22:03Nous sommes si fiers de ton nouvel emploi, Montgomery,
22:07que ma soeur et moi t'avons acheté un magnifique cadeau pour ton anniversaire.
22:11Un cadeau pour mon anniversaire?
22:13Mon amour, je suis touché.
22:16Regarde la façon dont mes couilles sont en train de s'accrocher là-haut.
22:19Reste là-bas avant qu'elles s'éloignent de toi.
22:22Nous sommes allés voir ton ami Calvin sur la rue.
22:25Et il nous a vendu un magnifique set de télévision
22:29pour 300 dollars.
22:32Oui, et il le délivre en ce moment.
22:35Viens, Calvin.
22:38Voici ton cadeau pour ton anniversaire, Colonel.
22:41Laissez-moi l'emporter pour vous.
22:45Oh, non!
22:53Hey, Colonel, c'est un bon travail sur le papier.
22:56Deckhand wanted on municipal yacht.
23:01Local cruises only.
23:03Non, non, Calvin. Ne t'inquiète pas pour ça.
23:06J'ai répondu à ça une fois.
23:08C'est un travail sur un trou de poutre qui s'envole dans l'océan
23:11de Sandy Hook.
23:16Bonjour, Colonel Montgomery J. Claxton, Real Estate.
23:19Quoi, monsieur?
23:22Vous voulez voir cette propriété à Piney Manor?
23:26Oui, bien, je...
23:28Je pourrais sortir mon voiture et vous emmener là-bas.
23:31Puis, nous pourrions le parker et...
23:33marcher sur cette colline.
23:35Et ensuite, traverser cette rivière et...
23:38descendre dans ce canyon.
23:41Et puis...
23:43Vous savez quoi, monsieur?
23:45Vous avez votre nerf à me distraire au milieu de la matinée comme ça.
23:50Regardez-moi, vous, vieux.
23:52Ou un autre agent de l'réalité.
23:54Ne vous inquiétez pas pour un couple de hommes occupés comme nous.
23:57Je l'ai vraiment enlevé, ce gars-là, n'est-ce pas, Calvin?
24:00Ah, Calvin!
24:02Je dis Calvin!
24:04Ah, hé!
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