1986 Sexz Appeal FULL HOT MOVIE
Young Tony Cannelloni decides to get away from his overbearing mother and moves out on his own. He has a new apartment, a new look, and is attempting to improve his sex appeal. Tony has a lot of dates during which he works on perfecting his technique with women, but also a series of disasters that impede his progress.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Good morning, Daphne.
00:00:02Mm-hmm.
00:00:06Panoloni, you are five minutes late.
00:00:09Sorry.
00:00:17Sure.
00:00:31Oh, my God.
00:00:50Nice day, isn't it?
00:00:53Yeah, right.
00:01:00Nice day, isn't it?
00:01:02Sure. Come on, honey.
00:01:09Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable in a hotel room or something?
00:01:12Oh, honey, why waste your money?
00:01:14Besides, when I get through with you, you'll think you're in heaven.
00:01:18But first, money, please.
00:01:20Oh, yeah.
00:01:25Oh, Butterfingers me, could you?
00:01:29Yeah, sure.
00:01:34See, honey, just like heaven.
00:01:37Tommy, are you gonna be in there all day?
00:01:40I'll be out in a minute, Ma.
00:01:43Tommy.
00:01:44Yeah, Ma.
00:01:46We're ready to sit down to dinner.
00:01:48Okay, okay.
00:01:50Jeez.
00:01:51I got a surprise for you, Tommy.
00:01:55I invited Debra to dinner.
00:02:00Tony has this obsession with hygiene.
00:02:03He's always in the bathroom.
00:02:05Well, cleanliness is next to godliness, I always say, Mrs. Panoloni.
00:02:10Hi, Debra.
00:02:11Hi, Tony.
00:02:13Well, Tony, did you have a nice day?
00:02:15Don't ask.
00:02:16Tony, I got the tickets.
00:02:18What tickets?
00:02:19I told Debra you love birds,
00:02:21so I got tickets to the Audubon Society lecture tonight.
00:02:24It's all about the mating of the African speckle hawk.
00:02:29I think you're confused, Mom.
00:02:31Tony didn't say birds, he said chicks.
00:02:33Chicks, ducks, penguins, same thing.
00:02:36No, Tony promised to help me with my study for my business exam.
00:02:41Yeah, yeah, I did.
00:02:43Well, Tony can help you tomorrow night.
00:02:45Debra went to a lot of...
00:02:46But, Louise, I need the carpet.
00:02:48Oh, that's all right, Mr. Panoloni.
00:02:51We can use mine.
00:02:55Thank you, Lord, for this bountiful feast,
00:02:58for the antipasto salad,
00:03:00for the chicken parmesan with Louise's famous sauce,
00:03:07the side linguine with the smothered in a green pesto sauce,
00:03:13and for dessert...
00:03:15It's for dessert, Louise.
00:03:16You run a diet, remember?
00:03:18Scratch a dessert.
00:03:20Amen.
00:03:21Uh, excuse me, but...
00:03:23What's the matter, Debra?
00:03:24Uh, well, I forgot, I...
00:03:28Well, get into her.
00:03:29Maybe you should have made dessert.
00:03:31Sauce.
00:03:34What did you say to her?
00:03:36That you had PT.
00:03:37Which one?
00:03:41Oh.
00:04:42Is this yours?
00:04:45No.
00:04:55Sex appeal.
00:04:57How to get it, and what to do with it.
00:05:00Do women reject you daily?
00:05:03When was the last time you had a date?
00:05:05Are you still stuck on first base
00:05:08while the rest of the team is hitting home runs?
00:05:11Are you tired of the Michael Jackson song, Beat It?
00:05:14If you've answered yes to any of these questions,
00:05:17you may be lacking sex appeal.
00:05:19For $19.95, learn how to attract the opposite sex.
00:05:23Learn how you too can achieve sex appeal.
00:05:32At your favorite bookstore.
00:05:39Huh.
00:05:41How much is that?
00:05:43Okay.
00:05:44Psst.
00:05:45Psst.
00:05:46Over here.
00:05:58Bye.
00:05:59Bye now.
00:06:03Hey, Bernie, how much is sex appeal?
00:06:06Oh, about 36.28.36.
00:06:16Come on.
00:06:36Hi, future seducer and all-around sexy guy.
00:06:40Hundreds of men like yourself in their spare time
00:06:43have discovered the secrets of sex appeal.
00:06:46If you follow the simple steps outlined in this book,
00:06:49you can turn your dull, drab life
00:06:51into a jungle of steaming, dripping, erotic pleasures.
00:06:56Is that the kind of world you want?
00:06:58Yeah.
00:06:59Okay, okay.
00:07:01First step, be cool.
00:07:04Now, the second step,
00:07:06you need a primary base of operation,
00:07:09an oasis to lure those voluptuous,
00:07:12lusting, man-hungry creatures of the night.
00:07:15What?
00:07:16An apartment, a bachelor pad,
00:07:19a place where a man can be a real man
00:07:22and a woman can be that real man's mate.
00:07:35Name's Donald Cromatic, and I'm the super of this brownstone.
00:07:39I had writer extraordinaires in my apartment 2A.
00:07:42So tell me, where you from?
00:07:44Oh, Jersey.
00:07:45Jersey.
00:07:46Yeah, I'm an accountant.
00:07:47So tell me, you ever written anything I'd have read?
00:07:49Yeah, probably.
00:07:50I write for all the magazines.
00:07:51Oh, yeah?
00:07:52You mean like People and Inquirer and Playboy?
00:07:54Hey, let's get something straight.
00:07:56I'm not a hack writer.
00:07:57My articles have appeared in all the newspapers.
00:07:59I'm not a hack writer.
00:08:01Let's get something straight.
00:08:02I'm not a hack writer.
00:08:03My articles have appeared in Scientific America, Reader's Digest.
00:08:06We're talking Popular Mechanics here.
00:08:08Yeah? Is there any money in those kinds of articles?
00:08:10Yeah, not really.
00:08:11That's why I'm also working on my novel.
00:08:13You know, the Great American Novel?
00:08:15Okay, here's the vacant one.
00:08:17Ta-da!
00:08:20Isn't it a honey?
00:08:22The apartment goes for 800 a month.
00:08:24So what I'm going to need from you is
00:08:26one month in advance and two months security.
00:08:29Think you can handle that?
00:08:30Great.
00:08:31Okay, now there is absolutely no animals,
00:08:35no pets,
00:08:36no wild parties,
00:08:38no reconstruction without my permission,
00:08:40no subletting,
00:08:42and most important,
00:08:43you could not use this apartment as a place of business.
00:08:46I think that about covers it.
00:08:49Do you have any questions so far?
00:08:51Yeah.
00:08:52It's a beer, can't come with it.
00:08:54Hey, that's funny.
00:08:56I'm glad to see you have a sense of humor.
00:08:57I like that.
00:08:59It must come in handy when the heating and plumbing go out.
00:09:02Just kidding.
00:09:04Well, I looked at six other places,
00:09:06and so far...
00:09:08Would you excuse me for a minute?
00:09:09Oh, sure.
00:09:10Sure, go ahead.
00:09:14The right apartment must have
00:09:16separate living room,
00:09:18bedroom,
00:09:19kitchen,
00:09:20and bath.
00:09:22It must have a magnificent view of the city.
00:09:27And above all,
00:09:28it must have privacy.
00:09:33But if all you can afford is one room
00:09:35with a view of a brick wall and a nosy super next door,
00:09:38take it.
00:09:39You've got to start somewhere.
00:09:46I'll take it.
00:09:47The next step,
00:09:48you must cut the umbilical cord with your parents.
00:09:52Leaving?
00:09:53Who's going to take care of you?
00:09:55You're not married, Tony.
00:09:57You don't have a wife.
00:09:58Who's going to make your favorite brownies?
00:10:00Who's going to wash your sneakers?
00:10:02Who's going to make your bed?
00:10:04Louise, come on now.
00:10:05Calm down.
00:10:07Is this the thanks I get for devoting my life to you?
00:10:10You're going to get some kind of horrible disease.
00:10:13Mom, don't you think you're overreacting a little?
00:10:16I mean, it's not like Tony's a child.
00:10:18Ha!
00:10:19Mom, I've got to leave sometime.
00:10:21Tony's right.
00:10:22Tony's right.
00:10:23I think it's time he stands on his own two feet.
00:10:27My baby doesn't love me anymore.
00:10:32Christina, I'll go calm her down.
00:10:35Look, if Ralph gets here, tell him to wait, okay?
00:10:37You still seeing that schmuck?
00:10:39Oh, Dad.
00:10:42You know, Tony,
00:10:44I think you're doing the right thing.
00:10:47But are you sure you're telling the old dad everything?
00:10:50Huh?
00:10:51Hey, I mean, a young guy like you wanting an apartment?
00:10:56What do you got?
00:10:57A couple of honeys on the line?
00:10:59Not exactly, Dad, but I hope so soon.
00:11:02Hey, that's my boy, Tony.
00:11:04You know, when I was your age,
00:11:06well, let's just say that not too many girls
00:11:10got past your old dad's touch, you know what I mean?
00:11:13It's Ralph.
00:11:14I'll get it.
00:11:15Ah, schmuck.
00:11:17You know, what I'm trying to tell you,
00:11:22I want you to feel free to come to me with any problems.
00:11:27Yeah, if there's anything you can't handle,
00:11:31you know what I mean?
00:11:33Okay?
00:11:34Yeah.
00:11:36Sure, Dad.
00:11:48Now that you've won your freedom,
00:11:51the next step is to appraise your surroundings.
00:11:56Put your imagination to work.
00:11:59Remember, you're trying to create an atmosphere
00:12:02that will make you look alive with sexuality
00:12:05and make your prey weak in the knees.
00:12:10Great care should go into the selection of your furnishings.
00:12:14The feel should be erotic and sensual.
00:12:19You know what I mean?
00:12:21Yeah.
00:12:22Yeah.
00:12:23Yeah.
00:12:24Yeah.
00:12:25Yeah.
00:12:26Yeah.
00:12:27Yeah.
00:12:28Yeah.
00:12:29Yeah.
00:12:30Yeah.
00:12:31Yeah.
00:12:32Yeah.
00:12:33Yeah.
00:12:34Yeah.
00:12:35Yeah.
00:12:36Yeah.
00:12:37Yeah.
00:12:38Yeah.
00:12:39Yeah.
00:12:40Yeah.
00:12:41Yeah.
00:12:42Yeah.
00:12:43Yeah.
00:12:44Yeah.
00:12:45Yeah.
00:12:46Yeah.
00:12:47Yeah.
00:12:48Yeah.
00:12:49Yeah.
00:12:50Yeah.
00:12:51Yeah.
00:12:52Yeah.
00:12:53Yeah.
00:12:54Yeah.
00:12:55Yeah.
00:12:56Yeah.
00:12:57Yeah.
00:12:58Yeah.
00:12:59Yeah.
00:13:00Yeah.
00:13:01Yeah.
00:13:02Yeah.
00:13:03Yeah.
00:13:04Yeah.
00:13:05Yeah.
00:13:06Yeah.
00:13:07Yeah.
00:13:08Yeah.
00:13:09Yeah.
00:13:10Yeah.
00:13:11Yeah.
00:13:12Yeah.
00:13:13Yeah.
00:13:14Yeah.
00:13:15Yeah.
00:13:16Yeah.
00:13:17Yeah.
00:13:18Yeah.
00:13:19Yeah.
00:13:20Yeah.
00:13:21Yeah.
00:13:22Yeah.
00:13:23Yeah.
00:13:24Yeah.
00:13:25Yeah.
00:13:26Yeah.
00:13:27Yeah.
00:13:28Yeah.
00:13:29Yeah.
00:13:30Yeah.
00:13:31Yeah.
00:13:32Yeah.
00:13:33Yeah.
00:13:34Yeah.
00:13:35Yeah.
00:13:36Wow, how did you know how to do that?
00:13:43Just a little common sense and a desire to get to my apartment.
00:13:46I'm Tony. I'm new here.
00:13:48Yeah.
00:13:49Do you live in the building?
00:13:50I'm afraid so.
00:13:51Yeah? Maybe we could get together sometime.
00:13:53Yeah, maybe.
00:13:55She's beautiful.
00:13:58Tony, Tony, please, Tony, I need you, I love you, I can't live without you, Tony.
00:14:03Oh, Tony, won't you tell me that we can maybe go out sometime? Oh, Tony.
00:14:08Yeah, maybe.
00:14:10Maybe.
00:14:14He said maybe.
00:14:16Oh, he said maybe!
00:14:21Donald, would you like a little advice from your agent?
00:14:25Uh, not really.
00:14:28Let's see how your principals are going to pay the $2,000 you owe in back taxes.
00:14:33The IRS could care less about your moralistic standards.
00:14:36They want their money, baby, just like everybody else.
00:14:39Fran, I am this close to finishing my novel.
00:14:42The great American novel.
00:14:46Donald, who in the hell wants to read about the founding and development of the American sewer system?
00:14:53You still don't think that's a good idea?
00:14:55No.
00:14:57I mean, I don't know what the hell to do now.
00:15:00You need to make some big bucks fast.
00:15:02Oh.
00:15:04And how am I supposed to do that?
00:15:07Sex.
00:15:09Articles about who, what, where, when, and how about sex.
00:15:13That's what sells.
00:15:15Write me those kinds of articles.
00:15:17Screw your principals.
00:15:20Okay, okay, okay.
00:15:22Where do I start?
00:15:25If I knew that, I'd write them myself.
00:15:29Dumb shit.
00:15:34The outward appearance of your apartment should have that respectable look.
00:15:38With only you knowing what lies beneath it all.
00:15:41Before your first attempt at seduction, may I suggest you try a test run?
00:15:46See that everything works properly.
00:15:48Remember, practice makes perfect.
00:15:51In more ways than one.
00:15:54On your mark.
00:15:56Get set.
00:15:58Go!
00:16:03Shit.
00:16:23Shit.
00:16:53Shit.
00:17:07All set. Now what?
00:17:10Now, take a look at yourself.
00:17:14Do you look like Burt Reynolds?
00:17:17No.
00:17:18How about Robert Redford?
00:17:19No.
00:17:20Good. If you did, you wouldn't need this book.
00:17:22Okay, now, look at your hair.
00:17:25It needs an expert's touch.
00:17:27Cut and style to accent those strong features.
00:17:31Those clothes.
00:17:32What's the matter with my clothes?
00:17:34They've got to go.
00:17:36You want to wear clothes that are fashionable, that will attract women, not repel them?
00:17:41And that body.
00:17:43When was the last time you ran a step?
00:17:46Press some weights.
00:17:48You sound like a man with a toned, muscular body.
00:17:53Okay, I'll do it.
00:17:55Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
00:17:56Cut those nose hairs.
00:17:59Oh.
00:18:02Oh, oh, Ralph?
00:18:04Huh?
00:18:05Oh, God.
00:18:06The steering wheel stick is crushing my back.
00:18:10Oh, those muscles of yours are so big and hard.
00:18:13Sorry.
00:18:14Um, look, why don't we try this?
00:18:16Okay.
00:18:17Um, Ralph, oh, God.
00:18:19The gear shift, it's sticking me in the side.
00:18:21Christina, I'm sorry.
00:18:23Yeah, I know you are, Ralph.
00:18:26Why don't we just try the back seat?
00:18:28Hey, guys.
00:18:29Hey, how's it hanging, Ralphie?
00:18:30Hi, Christina.
00:18:31Want some popcorn, guys?
00:18:32Have a beer, Ralph.
00:18:33Christina, you want one?
00:18:34No, thanks.
00:18:35I hope you don't mind us watching a movie with you.
00:18:37Nah.
00:18:38We snuck in and don't have any place to sit.
00:18:40No kidding.
00:18:41How'd you do that?
00:18:42Well, we waited until the guard was just about...
00:19:00Uh, maybe not these either.
00:19:03You got something with a little color?
00:19:05Sure.
00:19:06So what do you think?
00:19:07Oh, not exactly what I had in mind.
00:19:12Oh!
00:19:18All right, you animal.
00:19:20Now that your trap is ready and baited,
00:19:23it's time to stalk your prey.
00:19:25Your first conquest should be a simple one.
00:19:27A woman you already know,
00:19:29but have always been afraid to ask.
00:19:31Pick up the phone and call her.
00:19:33Invite her to your place for drinks.
00:19:35If she says yes, it can only mean one thing.
00:19:39What?
00:19:40Sex.
00:19:41Dummy.
00:19:47Yes?
00:19:48Stephanie? Stephanie?
00:19:51Yes?
00:19:52This is Tony.
00:19:53Tony?
00:19:54Yeah.
00:19:55Tony Cataloni.
00:19:57From the office.
00:19:58Tony.
00:20:00Oh, Tony, yeah.
00:20:03What can I do for you, Tony?
00:20:05Well, I was thinking...
00:20:06Do it. Do it.
00:20:08What did you say?
00:20:09Nothing.
00:20:10Well, we've worked together for over a year now,
00:20:13and we don't really know each other very well,
00:20:16and I just thought that...
00:20:19Yes, Tony?
00:20:21I know you're probably busy.
00:20:23We'd never have time to get together for a couple drinks.
00:20:26But I just thought I'd ask anyway.
00:20:28I'm never too busy for you, Tony.
00:20:31I'd love to.
00:20:34Tony, are you there?
00:20:35Yeah.
00:20:36I mean, you said yes.
00:20:39You really said yes.
00:20:41See?
00:20:43Amazing.
00:20:46Well, I'll see you, Steph.
00:20:48Aren't you forgetting something?
00:20:50Like, where do you live?
00:21:01Miss Crenshaw, would you come in here, please?
00:21:15Miss Crenshaw, I have something for you.
00:21:19Oh, I don't want it, Joe.
00:21:21Do you remember what you promised me?
00:21:24Well, let me refresh your memory, Mr. Cannelloni.
00:21:27I promise you will never have to do it in the office again, Miss Crenshaw.
00:21:31You promised to treat me like a lady.
00:21:34Why can't you take me to a fancy hotel or something?
00:21:37It's not bad enough you make me work weekends.
00:21:39But you can't even keep a little promise.
00:21:41Miss Crenshaw, you know I don't like hotels.
00:21:43I've been trying to find someone with an apartment.
00:21:45Give me a little time.
00:21:46I promise, the next time we get together, we'll have a nice little place.
00:21:54Don't leave me in this condition, please, Miss Crenshaw.
00:21:57I'll give you a raise.
00:22:00Okay, Joe.
00:22:02But this is the last time.
00:22:04And I mean it.
00:22:09How much is the raise?
00:22:11Review your last-minute checklist.
00:22:13Music on.
00:22:17Check.
00:22:18Ice bucket full.
00:22:20Check.
00:22:21Clean underwear.
00:22:23Yeah.
00:22:24Check.
00:22:25Check.
00:22:32Who's there?
00:22:33Tony, you in there?
00:22:39Just a minute, Christine. I'll be right there.
00:22:41What's going on in there?
00:22:43Open up, will you?
00:22:55What are you doing here?
00:22:56What kind of welcome is that?
00:23:00What's going on in there, anyway? Anyone see?
00:23:02This is not bad.
00:23:04Oh, Tony, you know what you can use right there, you know?
00:23:06It's one of those sexy statues and stuff, you know?
00:23:09That'd be great.
00:23:10Oh, over here, Tony. You can have some of those fancy mirrors and stuff.
00:23:14Don't you got no TV?
00:23:15Christina, what do you want?
00:23:17Nothing.
00:23:18Look, I just came by to see what my big brother was up to.
00:23:20Look, Tony, the least you could have done was invited me over to see it.
00:23:23Yeah, yeah. Well, now that you've seen it, Christina, it's time to go.
00:23:25But I just got here.
00:23:26Christina.
00:23:27What is the hurry?
00:23:28I'm tired, Christina. I had a long week at the office.
00:23:30What are you up to, big brother?
00:23:33I got it. You got a date.
00:23:35Lay off, Christina.
00:23:37Okay. All right. I promise. No more questions.
00:23:39But look, don't forget to call Mom tonight, okay?
00:23:41She's going sick with worry about you.
00:23:42Yeah, yeah. I will now. Bye-bye.
00:23:44I hope you score tonight, big brother.
00:23:47I've got to get this place ready.
00:23:53I'll be right there.
00:24:24Hi.
00:24:26Harvey.
00:24:28Well, aren't you going to ask me in?
00:24:30Yeah, sure. Come on in.
00:24:42Two at a time?
00:24:44That wouldn't...
00:24:47Care for a drink?
00:24:49Sure. I'll take a vodka martini, very dry, on the rocks, with two olives.
00:24:54Yes.
00:25:12Oh! I'm sorry.
00:25:14Oh, no. No damage done.
00:25:16Oh, I'm sorry.
00:25:17I think I'll just take this off and let it dry.
00:25:28Hysterical!
00:25:30To tell you the truth, Donald, I didn't think you had it in you.
00:25:35Now, just where did you get the idea for this New Jersey Casanova story?
00:25:40Oh, well, I just came up...
00:25:43Fran.
00:25:45This is for $4,000.
00:25:48$4,000!
00:25:51It's only the beginning, Donald.
00:25:53Are you serious?
00:25:55Now, hear this.
00:25:57Playhouse Magazine wants you to do a ten-part series
00:26:00entitled The X-Rated Adventures of the New Jersey Casanova.
00:26:04Well, of course, I told them my client was too busy finishing up a novel
00:26:07and couldn't possibly take on such an assignment.
00:26:10They offered to double the amount per segment.
00:26:13I said no.
00:26:14You said what?
00:26:16We got triple.
00:26:18Triple? We have triple on a ten-part series?
00:26:22Do you know how much money...
00:26:24Waiter! Your finest champagne, quick!
00:26:28Uh, I took the liberty of ordering earlier.
00:26:35To the next ten.
00:26:37To the next ten.
00:26:39What? What's the matter, Donald?
00:26:42Nothing. To the next ten.
00:26:50Under no circumstances give your apartment key to your mother.
00:26:54Christina, eat.
00:26:56Ralph will honk when he honks.
00:27:01Tony, you're looking so thin.
00:27:04He looks the same to me, Ma.
00:27:06Haven't you been eating?
00:27:08Here, have some more of my homemade spaghetti.
00:27:12Now, Tony, who's the one that's most concerned about you?
00:27:18You, Ma.
00:27:20And who's the one that's most concerned about your safety and well-being?
00:27:24You, Ma.
00:27:26That's right.
00:27:27And that's why I think I should have an extra key to your apartment.
00:27:32Louise, don't badger the boy!
00:27:36I'm not badgering him.
00:27:38I'm only concerned about his health.
00:27:41What if he should get sick or have a heart attack?
00:27:44Or worse yet, what if some degenerate should break in and attack him?
00:27:48How's anybody gonna know? How's anybody gonna get in?
00:27:51Ask the super for the key.
00:27:52Shut up, Christina!
00:27:54I'm worried sick.
00:27:57But Ma, the only reason I got the place was so I...
00:27:59Tony.
00:28:03Tony.
00:28:05All right, Ma.
00:28:09You can have the key.
00:28:14I'm gonna hang it right here where it's gonna be nice and safe.
00:28:21I thought you said you had a place.
00:28:25I did. This is it.
00:28:27This is not what I envisioned when you said I could see stars.
00:28:30Ah! Shoot!
00:28:34Put the blanket over there.
00:28:36How's this?
00:28:37Great.
00:28:39Let's get naked, Ralph.
00:28:41Oh, Ralph, those muscles are so sexy.
00:28:44Oh, Ralph, Ralph, can I touch your muscle?
00:28:48Ralph, can I touch your muscle?
00:28:54What's that?
00:28:55Nothing. Just slapped a couple of mosquitoes dead.
00:28:58A couple?
00:29:01You meant a couple thousand, didn't you?
00:29:04Oh!
00:29:06Ralph, let's get out of here! Come on!
00:29:09Ralph, hurry!
00:29:11I can't find my keys.
00:29:13Oh, Ralph!
00:29:15Oh, hunky jock or no hunky jock,
00:29:18you better find us a place.
00:29:20Now find those keys!
00:29:22Oh, Ralph!
00:29:24Oh, Ralph!
00:29:26Find those keys!
00:29:28Oh, Ralph!
00:29:31Ouch!
00:29:33Getting women to take notice of you
00:29:36is always easier if you meet them on their own turf.
00:29:40On your days off, stalk the supermarket aisles,
00:29:44slink through the women's clothes section's department stores,
00:29:48and seek them out at their watering holes.
00:29:51The laundromat.
00:29:53You'll be surprised at the number of available women out there
00:29:57who'll jump at an opportunity to follow you back to your lair
00:30:01for an afternoon of uncontrolled passion.
00:30:05Hi!
00:30:06Do I know you?
00:30:08I'm your neighbor. Remember the sofa?
00:30:10Name's Tony, remember?
00:30:12Oh, yeah. Hi. Excuse me.
00:30:15You know, it seems like you're always in my way.
00:30:19Yes. Hey, what's your name?
00:30:22Corinne.
00:30:25Tony! Tony!
00:30:28I'm sorry, I don't remember. What did you say your name was?
00:30:32Corinne!
00:30:33Ah, yes, Corinne.
00:30:35Ah! Ah! Ah!
00:30:44Excuse me, is this washer being used?
00:30:47Yes, it is. I'm sorry.
00:30:49Don't be sorry.
00:30:53Hi.
00:31:05Hi, I'm Bunny.
00:31:07You're new around here, aren't you?
00:31:09Don't tell me you are. I can tell.
00:31:12You just have that brand-new look about you.
00:31:16This is my favorite machine, number 14.
00:31:19It's also my lucky number.
00:31:21I'm so glad you didn't use it,
00:31:23because then I'd have to use another machine, like number 5.
00:31:27I used it last August when this little old lady named Bertha
00:31:30came in and used number 14,
00:31:32and, well, it broke down right in the middle of the soak cycle.
00:31:36I started to cry, and I looked all over for another machine,
00:31:39but there wasn't one empty,
00:31:41so I had to wait 32 minutes for another machine to be empty.
00:31:45And then I carried all my laundry,
00:31:47and they were soaking, dripping with water and soap suds,
00:31:50and I had to carry them all the way over there to number 23.
00:31:55What did you say your name was?
00:31:57Tony.
00:31:58I knew a Tony once, or was it Boney?
00:32:01Whichever. He was so weird.
00:32:04I fixed him tacos for dinner one night,
00:32:06and he wanted to stick them between mine.
00:32:11Women love to talk.
00:32:14Be a patient listener.
00:32:17The big mouth of hers has several other uses,
00:32:20one of which should become apparent quite soon.
00:32:23Right.
00:32:48Hello.
00:32:49Hi.
00:32:51Who is this?
00:32:52Is there something I can do for you?
00:32:54I just wanted to hear your voice.
00:32:56It's been so long.
00:33:01What kind of music do you enjoy, Tony?
00:33:03Who is this?
00:33:05How do you know my name?
00:33:07Vivaldi?
00:33:08Vivaldi?
00:33:09No, not me.
00:33:11That's my favorite composer.
00:33:13Those melodies blend so well over a candlelight dinner.
00:33:16Do you enjoy French?
00:33:18Yeah, French, Greek, you name it.
00:33:21French cuisine, silly.
00:33:24Are you from a radio show or something?
00:33:27No.
00:33:28You're so cute, Tony.
00:33:30Bye.
00:33:31Hello.
00:33:32Hello.
00:33:36Give me a minute.
00:33:39Hi, I'm Boney.
00:33:41This is a very nice home.
00:33:51I thought I'd never find this place.
00:33:54You know, I get lost so easy.
00:33:57Come in, Boney.
00:33:58I am in.
00:33:59You're funny, Tony.
00:34:01You know, one time I went to visit my aunt on my mother's side,
00:34:05and I got lost for nine hours and ten minutes.
00:34:09Then I took the wrong turn.
00:34:11Then, of course, I was following the wrong road signs.
00:34:14It took me five hours to realize that I was reading the darn road map backwards.
00:34:19Two weeks.
00:34:20He's been there two weeks.
00:34:22Can you imagine the dust balls?
00:34:24They're as big as grapefruits.
00:34:26And the toilet bowl.
00:34:28I don't even want to think about the toilet bowl.
00:34:31Boy, that place.
00:34:32Christina, wish me good luck.
00:34:35I'm off to do battle.
00:34:36Good luck, Mom.
00:34:40Come on, Tony.
00:34:42If you're there, pick it up.
00:34:44Come on, Ant.
00:34:54My aunt had called the police, and by the time I finally arrived,
00:34:58there were probably eight police cars in the driveway.
00:35:01I said, oh, my God.
00:35:03Someone must have been murdered.
00:35:05What a beautiful place you have here.
00:35:08Just like a hotel room at the MGM Grand.
00:35:12And look at your little sofa.
00:35:15My mother has this sofa.
00:35:17It doesn't look anything like yours, though.
00:35:19She has it covered in this rose-colored plastic.
00:35:23In the summer, when you're all hot and sticky from the humidity,
00:35:26and you sit on the sofa, you can't see anything.
00:35:30When you're all hot and sticky from the humidity,
00:35:33and you sit down, you can hardly get up
00:35:35because your behind sticks to it,
00:35:37right through your underwear.
00:35:39Can you imagine?
00:35:41Just care for a drink?
00:35:42Oh, I'd love a drink.
00:35:44Oh, I don't care.
00:35:45Anything will do.
00:35:47Vodka, whiskey, scotch, tequila, beer.
00:35:51Budweiser's a good beer.
00:35:53The Sempsey Coors is the best.
00:35:55I really don't know.
00:35:56Beer makes me want to go to the bathroom an awful lot.
00:35:59I just can't stay seated.
00:36:01And you know what they say about gin.
00:36:04A couple sips of gin makes you want to sin.
00:36:07Gin it is.
00:36:08Goodness, we've been standing an awful lot.
00:36:11You know, they say if you stand too much,
00:36:13it's not good for your veins.
00:36:15Here you go.
00:36:19I've written a medical manual once
00:36:21that you can get varicose veins in your legs.
00:36:23But I don't know if that's true or not.
00:36:26Fit joggers, for instance, or football players,
00:36:29they never seem to have varicose veins in their legs.
00:36:33But then again, I guess I just never look close enough.
00:36:38How about a movie?
00:36:39Oh, goody.
00:36:40X-rated films.
00:36:42I love X-rated films.
00:36:44I know this girl who used to work in the beauty shop I go to.
00:36:47She wasn't very good.
00:36:49Anyway, she told me she dated a porn star once.
00:36:53I didn't believe her, but then she convinced me.
00:36:56You know what she said?
00:36:58She said he was the one with the...
00:37:01Well, when they got home, it was only...
00:37:05They must use some kind of trick photography
00:37:08when they make those kind of movies.
00:37:23Oh!
00:37:24You'll love this.
00:37:25Just a minute, Mom.
00:37:26We like data.
00:37:27First you take the peanut butter, about two pounds.
00:37:30Then you add a pound of melted margarine, not butter.
00:37:34Then a pound of sugar.
00:37:53I live here.
00:37:54Ah-ha!
00:37:55Gas ball.
00:37:56Ma, I just cleaned yesterday.
00:37:57What's this?
00:37:58I was just about to hang those to dry.
00:37:59Soap on it?
00:38:00Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:38:01Ma, you can't clean today.
00:38:02Why not?
00:38:03You don't even hang up your phone?
00:38:04What kind of swab did I raise anyway?
00:38:05Hello?
00:38:06Hello?
00:38:07Hello?
00:38:08Hello?
00:38:09Hello?
00:38:10Hello?
00:38:11Hello?
00:38:12Hello?
00:38:13Hello?
00:38:14Hello?
00:38:15Hello?
00:38:16Hello?
00:38:17Hello?
00:38:18Hello?
00:38:19Hello?
00:38:20Hello?
00:38:21Hello?
00:38:22Hello?
00:38:23Yeah, he's...
00:38:24Christina, is that you?
00:38:25Since when do you start calling your brother in the afternoon?
00:38:26Just to say hi.
00:38:27Isn't that nice?
00:38:28Christina called.
00:38:29Just to say hi.
00:38:30Isn't that nice, Tony?
00:38:31Yeah, that's nice, Mom.
00:38:32I'll see you in a little while, honey.
00:38:33Okay.
00:38:34Bye-bye.
00:38:35Ma, you can't clean today.
00:38:36Why not?
00:38:37Uh...
00:38:38Uh...
00:38:39I get a business meeting.
00:38:40Here.
00:38:41On Saturday?
00:38:42Yeah.
00:38:43Uh...
00:38:44Uh...
00:38:45Uh...
00:38:46Uh...
00:38:47Uh...
00:38:48Uh...
00:38:49Uh...
00:38:50Uh...
00:38:51Uh...
00:38:52Yeah.
00:38:53What's that sound?
00:38:54I don't hear any noise, Mom.
00:38:55Sounds like somebody mumbling a dentine menu.
00:38:56Oh...
00:38:57Oh, that?
00:38:58Uh...
00:38:59Uh...
00:39:00That's the soup-paste.
00:39:01He's watching soap operas.
00:39:02He...
00:39:03He loves them.
00:39:04He's always watching them.
00:39:05Doesn't sound like any of my soaps.
00:39:06Mom, this meeting is important.
00:39:07They're going to be here any minute, and I've got to get ready.
00:39:09And I'm not important.
00:39:10Of course you are mom.
00:39:11I come all the way in to Manhattan.
00:39:12Take my life in my hands.
00:39:13To clean my son's apartment and...
00:39:14What do I get?
00:39:15I'll tell you about what I get.
00:39:16to clean my son's apartment, and what do I get?
00:39:19I'll tell you what I get.
00:39:21I get a broken heart.
00:39:22Ma!
00:39:23You don't care if my heart's broken, you bum!
00:39:27All right, clean, clean!
00:39:29I can't clean now, I'm too upset!
00:39:32If you don't hear from me in an hour, it means I'm mugged!
00:39:35Ma!
00:39:36Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
00:39:38oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
00:39:40oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
00:39:43It's really comfortable.
00:39:52Chicken parmesan with bubbling tomato sauce,
00:39:56and for dessert, Boston cream pie!
00:40:12God, what's happening?
00:40:16I can't hear.
00:40:19I'm going deaf.
00:40:22What's happening to me?
00:40:37Now that you've succeeded in your first conquest...
00:40:40But I didn't.
00:40:42You didn't? Really?
00:40:44Really.
00:40:45Let's review chapters one through five once again.
00:40:48Slowly.
00:40:56Unlucky son of a bitch.
00:41:03Miss Crenshaw.
00:41:05Would you come in here, please?
00:41:11Miss Crenshaw, I have something for you.
00:41:14No.
00:41:15What?
00:41:16No, and that's final.
00:41:18When you get us a fancy hotel room...
00:41:21Maybe I'll think about it.
00:41:23And maybe I won't.
00:41:27Oh, and about that thing you called a raise...
00:41:31Keep it, you tightwad.
00:41:36Come on, Ralph. Don't your parents ever go out?
00:41:39Oh, Ralph, what are we gonna do?
00:41:43Ralph!
00:41:45Hunger and lust are the two most important elements to man's and woman's survival.
00:41:51Often the female's appetite must be satisfied...
00:41:54Before she can become that wildly lustful animal you want her to be.
00:41:58You can always tell how sexual a woman will be by the way she eats.
00:42:02The heartier her desires for food...
00:42:05The more insatiable her needs for orgasmic fulfillment.
00:42:08And from Hollywood Hotline comes this exclusive tidbit.
00:42:11Playhouse magazine's sizzling new serial...
00:42:14Entitled The X-Rated Adventures of a New Jersey Casanova...
00:42:17Is creating quite a stir amongst the majors.
00:42:20Closed bids for the film rights to the sexual saga...
00:42:23Are at this very moment being looked at by Playhouse executives.
00:42:27This reporter wonders whether this material might be a little too hot for Tinseltown.
00:42:32And who is this New Jersey Casanova?
00:42:34Is he for real? And if he is and he's watching...
00:42:37I'm in the phone book.
00:42:39That'll be $36.80.
00:42:41Sounds like that ought to make some movie, huh?
00:42:43Smut. Nothing but smut.
00:42:47All set?
00:42:48Think so.
00:42:49Good.
00:42:50Yeah.
00:42:51Now be sure to watch for those tell-tale signs.
00:42:53That sly smile.
00:42:55The subtle compliments and that erotic giggle.
00:42:59Yeah.
00:43:02Oh, Jesus.
00:43:14How you doing, Monica?
00:43:16Oh, not so good today.
00:43:18I'm really beat.
00:43:20Sorry to hear that.
00:43:22Why don't you come on in? Maybe I can fix you up.
00:43:31Come on.
00:43:41I wonder what he's up to.
00:43:42Pardon?
00:43:43Nothing.
00:43:45Can I take your fire?
00:43:47Oh, no, I don't think so.
00:43:49It's a little chilly in here.
00:43:51I'll turn the thermostat up.
00:43:53That ought to heat you right up.
00:43:54Now over 72 degrees.
00:43:5672 degrees.
00:44:02Oh, no support.
00:44:04Bad for the back.
00:44:06Well, I just bought this the other day.
00:44:08It's really kind of...
00:44:10You don't mind, do you?
00:44:12Not at all.
00:44:19Champagne?
00:44:20Oh, no, thank you.
00:44:23Do you have ginger?
00:44:25Yeah, sure.
00:44:28Go.
00:44:29Well, I guess this glass will do.
00:44:33Cheers.
00:44:40Monica, you look beautiful tonight.
00:44:42I know.
00:44:44Sorry.
00:44:45Care to dance?
00:44:47No, not really.
00:44:49I'm just...
00:44:51I'm just...
00:44:53I'm just...
00:44:55No, not really.
00:44:57I'm not in the mood.
00:44:59Well, we might as well get right to eating then, huh?
00:45:01What do you say?
00:45:03Be one.
00:45:05Are you sure I can't take your fire?
00:45:07Oh, I'm sure.
00:45:26Oh, aren't you going to join me?
00:45:28Yeah, sure.
00:45:42Uses up too much oxygen.
00:45:45Well, start right with eating then, huh?
00:45:48We'll start with my specialty,
00:45:50shrimp cocktail.
00:45:52My specialty, shrimp cocktail.
00:45:55I make the sauce from an old family recipe.
00:45:58You're going to love it.
00:46:00Oh, shrimp cocktail.
00:46:03I can't, Tony.
00:46:05It's just loaded with cholesterol.
00:46:09Sorry.
00:46:10Guess I wasn't thinking.
00:46:12Oh, that's okay.
00:46:14Well, we'll move right on to the salad then, huh?
00:46:16What kind of dressing would you like?
00:46:18I have spicy Italian, blue cheese, thousand island.
00:46:21Nothing.
00:46:23I'm on a diet.
00:46:26Italian for me?
00:46:28Nothing.
00:46:29Come on.
00:46:31Get it down.
00:46:36Oh.
00:46:39That's...
00:46:41endive.
00:46:43And you don't eat endive.
00:46:47I don't eat endive.
00:46:52Move right to the entree then.
00:47:05I'm sure you're going to like this.
00:47:09It's, uh...
00:47:12It's raw.
00:47:14It's supposed to be.
00:47:16It's steak tartare.
00:47:20Maybe you got a couple of hot dogs and some ketchup.
00:47:25Monica, may I ask you something?
00:47:30Sure, what is it?
00:47:33Monica.
00:47:35You accept an invitation from me to come to my apartment for dinner.
00:47:39You walk in here complaining how tired you are.
00:47:41You won't take off your fur because it's too chilly.
00:47:43You don't want champagne.
00:47:44You're not in the mood to dance.
00:47:46The appetizer's oozing cholesterol.
00:47:48You eat the salad. The entree's too raw.
00:47:50Then you ask me for a couple of hot dogs with ketchup.
00:47:53What's the matter with you, Monica?
00:47:55Don't you like anything?
00:47:57Yes.
00:47:58Well, what do you like?
00:48:01Well...
00:48:04I like to...
00:48:07What did you say?
00:48:09You heard me.
00:48:10No, I didn't.
00:48:11What did you say?
00:48:12There's only one little problem.
00:48:15What? What's the problem?
00:48:18That's all right. I don't mind.
00:48:20You don't mind what?
00:48:21And any mortal man might have called it a day.
00:48:24But not the New Jersey Casanova.
00:48:32Hello.
00:48:33Tony, this is your mother.
00:48:36Do you remember me?
00:48:37I'm the one who brought you into this world.
00:48:39Yeah, hi, Ma. What do you want?
00:48:41What do I want?
00:48:42I want my son's love.
00:48:44You never call me anymore.
00:48:46I just called you this morning.
00:48:47Tony, that was a long time ago.
00:48:51What is that shrieking?
00:48:53It's a wild animal show about the mating habits of the female bingo.
00:48:57Bingo?
00:48:59Tony, I'm worried about you.
00:49:01You're spending too much time by yourself.
00:49:03Yeah, you're right, Ma.
00:49:05I am? What channel is that animal show on?
00:49:08It's a cassette, Ma. I'll loan it to you sometime.
00:49:11Listen, I gotta go. I'll call you later, all right? Bye.
00:49:17Good help.
00:49:19Always be considerate of your sexual partner.
00:49:23It's your duty to help her reach an orgasm, too.
00:49:26What about me?
00:49:29Oh, Tony!
00:49:44See you later, Ma.
00:49:45Don't be late for dinner.
00:49:48Hi.
00:49:50Oh, Joe, turn that up. Maggie Mason's my favorite.
00:49:54My Hollywood Spy reports that Mark Eubel,
00:49:57famous low-budget sexploitation film producer,
00:50:00is the winner in the Playhouse, New Jersey-Casanova bidding war.
00:50:04It is said he is about to ink a big deal with author Donald Kromronic
00:50:08to bring the now-infamous Casanova stories to the big screen.
00:50:12I asked if the movie will carry an ex.
00:50:14Mr. Eubel said they'll have to redefine ex when I'm through.
00:50:18Who wants to watch trash like that?
00:50:35So, what's for dinner?
00:50:37Food.
00:50:43Can I help you?
00:50:46I think you're the one that needs the help.
00:50:49Yeah, I guess I do.
00:50:51Anyway, I'm quite capable of handling it myself. Thank you very much.
00:50:57I only meant to...
00:51:02Oh, Tony, I'm sorry if any champagne splashed at you at the restaurant.
00:51:05I love you so. I'll do anything for you.
00:51:08I dream of cooking your meals, of washing your clothes,
00:51:11of carrying your groceries, of donning your socks.
00:51:15I don't have holes in my socks,
00:51:17and I'm quite capable of handling the rest myself. Thank you.
00:51:21Oh, Tony, just one kiss. Tony, Tony, please.
00:51:25Farewell if you insist.
00:51:28Oh!
00:51:38You have reached the residence of Anthony Catalogna.
00:51:41All lines are busy at the moment.
00:51:43Please leave your message after the signal. I love you.
00:51:48Hello? Hello?
00:51:50Hi, Anthony. Remember me?
00:51:53Yeah. How you doing?
00:51:56Oh, fine. A little lonely.
00:51:59Wouldn't it be lovely to take a long walk on the beach tonight?
00:52:03Sure.
00:52:04There'd be a full moon.
00:52:07I could bring a bottle of wine.
00:52:09Chilled white wine.
00:52:11Oh, and our toes curling in the sand.
00:52:14Yeah, that would be great.
00:52:16I could bring a blanket, too.
00:52:18Oh, we don't need a blanket.
00:52:20We'll have the waves to caress our naked bodies.
00:52:23Oh, yeah. I'd like that a lot.
00:52:27Thank you, Anthony.
00:52:29I feel much better now.
00:52:31Have a nice evening.
00:52:33Wait!
00:52:34Oh, don't hang up.
00:52:37Damn.
00:52:54The only thing I like about your father working late
00:52:57is the fact that I can have the TV set on during dinner.
00:53:00But, Ma, he never works late.
00:53:02So I'll enjoy it this once.
00:53:04He said something about an out-of-town customer or something.
00:53:08Oh!
00:53:10Hey. Hey, Ma, that's my super.
00:53:12Mr. Grimronic, may I call you Donald?
00:53:15Oh, yeah, sure.
00:53:16Tell us, Donald, are you and the New Jersey Casanova one and the same?
00:53:20Come on, Donald, everyone's dying to know
00:53:22if your now-famous character is fact or fiction.
00:53:25Well, I'll never tell.
00:53:27Ma, the guy's a celebrity.
00:53:30I'll get it.
00:53:33Hello?
00:53:34Tony? Hi, it's Christina.
00:53:36Yeah, could you do me a favor and tell Mom
00:53:38I'm not going to be home for dinner tonight?
00:53:40Yeah, I'm going to have a bath.
00:53:42Okay. Thanks a lot, big brother.
00:53:44Bye.
00:53:45Bye.
00:53:46Bye.
00:53:47Bye.
00:53:48Okay, thanks a lot, big brother.
00:53:51Is this clear?
00:53:52Come on.
00:54:01Drive on!
00:54:06Now what's the matter?
00:54:08It's my daughter and that schmuck Ralph.
00:54:10So?
00:54:11So they're headed to the apartment.
00:54:13Of all the nerve, asking me out
00:54:16when I'm not even getting paid.
00:54:18I canceled my nail appointment for this.
00:54:21Take me home, please.
00:54:23The same address we just came from.
00:54:32Who is this?
00:54:34Who cares? I need no characters anyway.
00:54:47Hello?
00:54:50Mr. Smith, this is the sex shop.
00:54:53Your order is ready to pick up now.
00:54:57Hi, this is Sherry.
00:54:59The only time I can make it this month
00:55:01is nine o'clock tonight.
00:55:03I'll see you then. Bye.
00:55:05Damn, Ralph, it's 8.30.
00:55:07We got to get out of here.
00:55:08Tony's going to be back any minute. Come on.
00:55:10But Christina...
00:55:11Let's go, Ralph. Come on.
00:55:14Sorry, Mom. Something's come up.
00:55:16I'll call you tomorrow.
00:55:17Ha! Call me tomorrow. That'll be the day.
00:55:19Please leave your message after the signal.
00:55:21I love you.
00:55:23This is Sherry again.
00:55:25On second thought, drop dead.
00:55:28Don't feel guilty about taking a day off.
00:55:31Singles, bars at night, or a zoo.
00:55:33Too much competition.
00:55:35In the daytime, you'll have your pick of the litter.
00:55:38This isn't the time for beating around the bush.
00:55:41Use that direct approach.
00:55:43Show them what you're made of.
00:55:45Hi. I'm Tony.
00:55:47I was admiring you from afar,
00:55:49and I was wondering if, uh,
00:55:51maybe you might like to move in my apartment
00:55:53for a little romantic rendezvous.
00:55:55Bug off, creep.
00:55:57Yeah, thanks.
00:56:00Are you sure no one's gonna be here this time?
00:56:03Yeah! Tony's at work and Christina's at school.
00:56:08Well, this is nicer than a hotel, Joe.
00:56:10Um, yeah.
00:56:12And there's the bed!
00:56:14Yeah! A bed!
00:56:16Ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:56:18Hmm.
00:56:20Oh, my God.
00:56:22Oh, my God.
00:56:24Oh, my God.
00:56:26Oh, my God.
00:56:28Oh, my God.
00:56:32If the direct approach doesn't work,
00:56:34try the hurt and innocent role.
00:56:36Many women love to play mother.
00:56:53Oh, my God.
00:56:58Excuse me.
00:57:00Do you have a handkerchief?
00:57:02Uh, sure.
00:57:06What's the matter? Did somebody die or something?
00:57:10No, it's worse than that.
00:57:13Nobody loves me.
00:57:15Oh, don't say that.
00:57:17There's gotta be somebody in this world who loves you.
00:57:20Nobody.
00:57:22You poor baby.
00:57:26Why don't you buy Mama a piña colada
00:57:29and tell her all about it?
00:57:31All right.
00:57:33Bartender, two piñas.
00:57:40He's gonna be busy all night.
00:57:42Shh. Quiet. Come on.
00:57:44Shh.
00:57:56Mm!
00:57:58Mm.
00:58:00Mm-mm.
00:58:02Ralph, I'm Murphy's dad.
00:58:04Murphy who?
00:58:06Never mind, Ralph. Come on.
00:58:09Here.
00:58:14Oh, Ralph.
00:58:16Alone at last.
00:58:18Privacy.
00:58:22So I get off work early,
00:58:24buy her a dozen red roses,
00:58:26her favorite perfume,
00:58:28and a box of chocolate-covered cherries,
00:58:30and cheers.
00:58:32Oh, go on, sugar. Get it all out.
00:58:36I come home to our little loveless
00:58:38to surprise her,
00:58:40and she was there.
00:58:42Go on. Go on.
00:58:46She was showing off her ankle bracelets
00:58:48to two sailors.
00:58:50Oh, poor baby.
00:58:52I know just what you need.
00:58:54You need a woman to take you home
00:58:56and comfort you.
00:58:58Yeah, now.
00:59:00Oh, no, I can't. I'm here with my girlfriend.
00:59:02Uh, unless you don't mind her joining us.
00:59:04You mean a threesome?
00:59:06No, a menage a trois.
00:59:09Oh, right. Where is she?
00:59:12Sheila!
00:59:14Sheila, come here.
00:59:22Let's go.
00:59:28Oh, Ralph, those pecs.
00:59:30You're not only sexy, but you got talent.
00:59:36Oh, my God. Ralph, grab her clothes.
00:59:39No.
00:59:42Uh, no.
00:59:44Come on. No.
00:59:48Not bad, Sheila.
00:59:50Think it'll do, Sheila?
00:59:52It'll be fun.
00:59:54Yeah? Yeah? You like it?
01:00:00Let's go.
01:00:03Oh, check this out.
01:00:05This is my great-grandmother.
01:00:07Great.
01:00:09Oh, wait. I didn't miss a thing.
01:00:14Look at this. Look at this.
01:00:16Check this out.
01:00:18This is my stereo system.
01:00:20I put it in myself, see?
01:00:22It's got a little accent here. You like that?
01:00:24Yeah, that's great.
01:00:27Is Tony Cannell on the above?
01:00:29No, he called in sick today.
01:00:31Sick? Can I use your phone?
01:00:34Use the one on Tony's desk.
01:00:46I'll get it.
01:00:48We don't want any disturbances, Tony, darling.
01:00:50Hit it, Sheila.
01:00:53Oh, my God.
01:00:55Is something wrong?
01:00:57It was ringing nicely, and then...
01:00:59I don't know.
01:01:01Thank you for letting me use the phone.
01:01:03Sure.
01:01:05I think there's been some mistake.
01:01:07There's no mistake.
01:01:09Uh... Hey, how about a drink?
01:01:11Yeah!
01:01:13Oh, my God.
01:01:15This is positively kinky.
01:01:19Maxi! Maxi!
01:01:21Isn't he cute?
01:01:23Isn't he cute?
01:01:25I love guys that wear bracelets.
01:01:27My money's in my wallet.
01:01:29It's in my back pocket.
01:01:31It's not your money we're interested in.
01:01:33It's not?
01:01:35We're interested in you.
01:01:37Are you ready, Sheila?
01:01:39One, two, three!
01:01:41They're serving!
01:01:51I want a box.
01:02:01Oh, my God.
01:02:03This is the best stuff yet.
01:02:05Holy...
01:02:07Boy, Big Brother had me fooled.
01:02:09The two ladies in question
01:02:13got a little out of hand.
01:02:15So you're gonna be uncooperative, huh?
01:02:21Oh!
01:02:23All for you!
01:02:25Why, thank you!
01:02:27Oh, so beautiful.
01:02:31Thumbs away!
01:02:33Oh, no!
01:02:35Sheila!
01:02:37You're such beautiful.
01:02:39The actions I've never seen.
01:02:43Don't break that!
01:02:45One, two, three!
01:02:51The cleaning bill.
01:02:53My God, he's gonna wreck that apartment.
01:02:55But who cares?
01:02:57After all,
01:02:59he's the New Jersey
01:03:01Casa
01:03:03Casa
01:03:05Loba.
01:03:15Thank you, thank you.
01:03:19Oh!
01:03:21Good job!
01:03:25Damn, I forgot my keys.
01:03:27Let me go!
01:03:29That's what I'm waiting for!
01:03:33Good job.
01:03:35Hello?
01:03:37Thumbs away!
01:03:41Tony?
01:03:43Who are you?
01:03:45I'm Miss Marva.
01:03:47Oh, my God!
01:03:49Nothing really happened.
01:03:51Who are you calling?
01:03:53The police.
01:03:55Oh, no, you're not.
01:03:57Oh, yes, I am.
01:03:59Freeze!
01:04:01You don't understand!
01:04:03Oh, my baby!
01:04:05I'm killing my baby!
01:04:07Wait a minute, you don't understand
01:04:09what's going on in my life!
01:04:11Let me just explain!
01:04:13Hey, brother, we got company!
01:04:19Oh, my God!
01:04:25Hands up!
01:04:27Don't shoot, don't shoot!
01:04:29Dad!
01:04:31Joseph!
01:04:35Where the hell is the fire?
01:04:37Fire? Where's the fire?
01:04:39Christina!
01:04:41He can't! He can't!
01:04:43They'll find out who he is!
01:04:45I won't let you have him!
01:04:47They'll never know who he is!
01:04:49Who is he?
01:04:51He's the New Jersey Casanova!
01:04:55Me!
01:04:57He's the New Jersey Casanova!
01:05:01Oh!
01:05:03Ma!
01:05:27Oh, my God!
01:05:57If you've reached this last page
01:05:59and still don't have sex appeal,
01:06:01don't despair.
01:06:03You still have several other options.
01:06:05Like what?
01:06:07Perhaps the priesthood is more to your calling.
01:06:09Or maybe you should visit
01:06:11your friendly neighborhood gay bar.
01:06:13Thanks a lot.
01:06:19Oh, my God!
01:06:21Oh, my God!
01:06:23Oh, my God!
01:06:25Phone rings.
01:06:29You've reached the residence
01:06:31of Anthony Cataloni.
01:06:33All lines are busy at the moment.
01:06:35Tony!
01:06:37Tony, are you there?
01:06:39Hi.
01:06:41You sound blue.
01:06:43Try dark black.
01:06:45That bad, huh?
01:06:47Sounds like you could use some cheering up.
01:06:49I don't think that's possible.
01:06:51Well, maybe I could come over and...
01:06:53Look,
01:06:55why don't you just call someone else?
01:06:57I'm just not in the mood to be teased anymore.
01:06:59I'm not teasing, Tony.
01:07:01You're not?
01:07:03Uh-uh. I'll be right over.
01:07:05But...
01:07:09Look at this place.
01:07:11I'll never be able
01:07:13to get it fixed up in time.
01:07:15Oh, what's the use?
01:07:17She won't come anyway.
01:07:23Oh, my God.
01:07:33Oh, Tony, please.
01:07:37I'm sorry.
01:07:39I was expecting somebody else.
01:07:41Me.
01:07:43You mean
01:07:45you've been the girl on the phone all along?
01:07:53See?
01:08:03I told you so.
01:08:05Patience.
01:08:07Patience.
01:08:09Like I always say,
01:08:11whenever I don't...
01:08:23Tides.