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00:00Later mom, what's up me my boys gonna see uncle cracker. Give me that back Jordan. Do you wanna go see uncle cracker or no?
00:06World peace Wow that was inspired um Tom if you could have anything in the world, what would it be? Camp Rock 3
00:13Oh, by the way, I talk in my sleep
00:15Fuck you Evan
00:26Make sure you don't make a mess. Okay, Jeremy, okay
00:30You little fucking piece of shit, yo, let's get a little bit wild a little bit old-school. Let's go
00:39Yeah, why your eyes like that he's smoking no, it's got weed in my something in my so I'm smoking something smoking weed
00:45I'm really into dubstep. There's this one that goes doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
00:49I
00:58Have been a vegetarian three days and this is fucking triggering me
01:04You want to super says that for $10, yes, of course, oh, it's actually $3 I would have paid 50
01:10Okay, and I'm not fucking around. How would how would you describe your music piano rap ukulele screamo punk-pop?
01:16I put ketchup around my eyes. What do we want? We why do we want it? We already said that what do we want?
01:22We I'm confused. Okay, James open your eyes. Tell me what you think
01:29Where the fuck am I One Direction posted mom, I don't I don't want to go to church, but you'll be saved
01:35There's no saving this sweet piece of ass
01:37Hi, my name is Tom Harlock vine died three weeks ago. I haven't made any money in six months
01:44So you guys coming to?
01:45My party who you guys just me. Oh
01:50You go. I want your hands in the air. If you remember this one, let's go
01:57Hey, bro, can I get a sip of that water? It's not water vodka. I like your style vinegar what it's vinegar pussy
02:03No, you cannot go to Jennifer's house. Her dad is an alcoholic and he sets a bad example
02:08You stupid fucking cut. No, sir. I'm not high. I don't even smoke weed. So
02:14What's up, dude? How much you I don't see anybody for a month. It's not what I'm depressed
02:18I'm just busy being an adult something that you guys wouldn't understand
02:22My friggin stomach hurts do ate a lot last night
02:25What I eat all the walls and the ceiling fucking sick
02:29My mom took my iPad away because she heard me listen to fallout boy, and she doesn't like the fact that I'm an emo
02:35You got your cakey pants on cockapoo nose. No, it's keggy pants
02:41Cockapoo nose bloodshot fuck shit Easter also known as the day that Jesus did something
02:46Jesus spelt backwards is sausage
02:57Hey Taylor
02:59Nah, man, you're fucked
03:01What up, dude, you want to smoke down? We just smoked we did. Yeah for sure
03:06Dude, oh shit. So the test show that you have iridocyclitis
03:11Iridocycline you are slowly going blind sir
03:22But maybe I don't I don't know
03:26Okay, I don't know what's up woman. Hey, you want some weird? No. Hey mom candy
03:32I got some adults you got skittles, dude. Did you just fucking stab that guy April fools?
03:38He's fucking bleep like what the fuck were you tricky cheese? Come on, you're eight years old drinking beer
03:45Okay, good pussy shit
03:47I and if you could turn your textbooks to can I go to the bathroom please and you raise your hand when you want to
03:51Ask a question, please
03:55Are you okay?
04:00Obviously vines ending and I'm being sincere. I just want you guys to know that Lily Ponds was never funny
04:06How the fuck did she get I'm really glad you got sober. I'm really glad that you took me to the Lego movie
04:09That was the Hunger Games
04:12I'm just kidding today. We say goodbye to Sarah my daughter or as some of you may know her XO eat my pussy
04:18Harry Sarah was a love. What do you want you little fucker?
04:21I'm here to pick up your daughter taking her out on a little date
04:24I know we're actually taking her to a foster home
04:26If you think you're unattractive does look into the mirror and now, you know, you're unattractive
04:31education
04:32Listen, dude, if we're gonna be famous
04:35What was that my tube what a tube oh
04:41My god, nobody is looking at you Gabriella you petty bitch everyone's looking at Troy Evan
04:46Where did you get all these feathers birds?
04:48They're dirty, why do you have that little no dreamcatcher cuz living with you is a freaking nightmare
04:51If I say I want to hang out with you, it doesn't mean that I like you
04:54It means that I look nice today and it'd be a waste if people didn't see me
04:58Um, I just want to date the type of guy that goes above and beyond
05:00I just want to date the type of guy that pays for parking on a Sunday
05:03That's the kind of stuff that really butters my egg
05:11Hey, I like your car, thanks
05:14Hey, you want to grab some food? Yeah, I'm Beth. Yeah. No, that's alright. I'm not hungry
05:17Hello. Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior? Yeah. Sure, man. Go ahead
05:21It started in 2010 when he auditioned for the air, sir
05:25Sir, what's up? You're under arrest for running from police. I was just walking pretty fast walk if you ask me
05:30We're gonna turn his room into a red room of pain like in Fifty Shades of
05:34Hi, son, if you're watching this, I want you to know that guys at least 17
05:38No, why movies rated are we smoke mad weed and cigarette that is dope. Here you go
05:42I'm so sorry. I'm next in the Halloween costume competition is Tom who has come dressed as his father. Here he is
05:49Now you're never gonna get back. I didn't even do anything jacking off. It's just a sack
05:53What I was just no shaft
06:01Yep, that's me. I don't understand what everyone's obsession is the same kid I
06:05Googled him now. I understand he is fucking hot as shit
06:13Oh fuck mom get the fuck
06:17It's cool
06:20Why
06:21Hello, um, don't fucking snapchat me if you have an Android I do not want to see your flea market grainy. What's up? Mr.
06:28Waterman, that's my mom
06:30Mrs. Waterman, what's up? She got a sex change miss stirred. Hey guys, I can't wait to show you my nail collection
06:37They're called pepperoni
06:40Hey, dude, nice Volkswagen Beetle this it's a Porsche. That's a sick beetle there. It's a really weird
06:46It's a Porsche. Hey guys, a lot of people have asked me how I'm doing mentally and physically
06:50So I thought I'd make this video to show you. Bye
06:57Record myself just in case too. I mean congratulations. Um, you've had a baby boy
07:02You've misgendered a baby for the last time doctor if you type in eight zero zero eight five says boobs
07:12What's your favorite scary movie life's a scary movie and we're all the victims oh my god
07:18Hey, are you Tom? No, sir, you're under arrest
07:22For what for living in sin? Why don't you go ahead and move? You've hurt my feelings. Oh great
07:28Fuck you. I'm
07:30I'm okay. Mr. Janitor, dude. We got a problem in the bathroom. I was dumping in the urinal
07:35Why were you doing that?
07:36Cuz it's free and hilarious don't ever say shit like that again to me because I will fucking fight you. Okay, let's fucking fight
07:44Hey, why don't you come watch football with the boys on the radio?
07:48Well, you don't watch football with the boys that I'm blind
07:53Why did nobody tell me that I look like a wet chicken nugget last night I had a really good time
07:58We should do it again, you know
08:00You want to meet my dog? Yeah, no, I guess it's true. I'm no good. I know one night
08:06Yeah, cuz you're a fucking virgin
08:09Dad, are we there? Does it look like we're at SeaWorld? Yeah, I don't know
08:12There's tons of dead animals. Hey, those are birds not whales and the whales are only dead inside
08:18Wait, I am walking really fucking slow. Why are you crawling backwards this run or something? All right guys, you ready?
08:23No, I don't want to go to camp dad. Come on. It's gonna be fun. Yeah, why don't you go?
08:27I'm not the fat kid Tristan. I've spent 30 minutes trying to beat this gym and this guy keeps fucking winning
08:31Excuse me, sir. My Bulbasaur is gonna fuck you up. No, I'm not going why I already told you
08:36No, I'm not high
08:39Okay, I'm a little bit high. Hey just checking in letting you know, I'm not dead
08:45Fucking wish so I heard that you and Christine are over. I'm sorry dad. I know I just didn't want to remind you
08:51This is her funeral
08:53Stop don't talk to me
08:55Actually, please talk to me. I don't have many friends. Hey, can I get a pepperoni? Do you want a pizza with it?
09:01Yeah pepperoni pizza. Okay. I got it. I should make that two pepperonis two pepperonis on the pizza Wow
09:07This is great. I
09:10Wish that I could
09:12Grow a beard over my entire body be the ultimate badass
09:15Get the chicks this mirror is covered in shit
09:19It won't go away. Oh wait, that's me
09:23Welcome to McDonald's fault. This was subway. I'm really hot. Oh, this is McDonald's. Well, this was subway
09:28Wait, did I already say that? Oh my god, Harry Styles. Follow me on Twitter. What is your username?
09:32Fuck me Harry 94. What the fuck is wrong?
09:35Hey, are you gonna knock it off back there or am I gonna have to come spank? You're gonna have to come spank me
09:41You asked for it, buddy
09:44Well, this is uncomfortable
09:47What's up, dude, what's good you candy cane cum guzzler? It's December, you know what that means? I'm Mike. I'm 24
09:53I love the gym bitches and protein
09:57What do you think you're cool or something
10:03Oh shit, hi, sorry, you can't get a ketchup as well, please
10:07That was sugar, but don't worry about it. Thank you very much
10:10But don't worry about it, thank you very much
10:13Do you ever like wake up or do like do something? You're just like what the fuck is going on?
10:26Evan you're never gonna do anything with your life
10:30What in the fuck was that i'd like to raise a toast to my father as we all know
10:34He's a very busy man so he can't be here today, but
10:36but I love you, Danny.
10:39You all right, man?
10:40Yeah, dude.
10:41Bitch.
10:42Sorry.
10:43Such a short fuse.
10:44I'm not short, I'm 5'8".
10:45And your total is $19.75.
10:47You didn't even know anything about the $19.75,
10:49so don't even try and pretend, okay?
10:51What is this all?
10:52Have any experience with children?
10:53Yeah, I chill all the time.
10:55No, like a baby.
10:57I was one of those.
11:04If you're a woman, no matter what,
11:06you're beautiful, okay?
11:07You're supposed to be doing your freaking homework.
11:08This is my fucking dick, mom.
11:10Beautiful?
11:13Dude.
11:17Hey, whoever sent me this dildo on a stick for Philip,
11:23I'm not Phil.
11:24Okay, open your eyes and tell me what you think.
11:28I'm still blind, James.
11:29What were you trying to achieve?
11:30Ask me if I give a fuck.
11:31Do you give a fuck?
11:33What?
11:34Do you give a fuck?
11:35What are you doing?
11:36Emergency.
11:37Somebody at our prom has been killed.
11:38Please help.
11:39Calm down.
11:40We don't want to panic at the disco.
11:42What do you do for a living?
11:43I'm an artist.
11:45Really?
11:45What kind?
11:46A sandwich artist.
11:47Like at Subway?
11:48Are we going to fuck or what?
11:49Big case this week, guys.
11:50Okay, team A, your objective is to find Jessica's personality.
11:55Fuck you, Jessica.
11:56This is awesome.
11:57Let me show you the kitchen.
11:57Why?
11:58Because I'm a woman.
11:59You're a woman?
12:00I'm just kidding.
12:01Yeah.
12:02I'm hardcore as fuck.
12:03I love chocolate cereal, panic at the disco,
12:06and seeing which photos Harry likes on Instagram.
12:08I'll have a Coke, please.
12:09Pepsi?
12:10Okay.
12:12No.
12:12Just give me a beer.
12:13I thought you didn't drink.
12:14I do now.
12:15If someone says yes and then they change their mind
12:16and say no, that's called revoking consent.
12:19You prawn-dicked little shitbag.
12:21Bill, is that vodka?
12:22No.
12:23Well, it sure smells like it.
12:24Give me this.
12:25I'm not giving you any.
12:26It's mine.
12:27Fuck off, dude.
12:28Okay, class, pull out your books and go to page four.
12:30Mary, stop talking whilst I'm talking, you basic bitch.
12:32Everyone, pull out your phones and tweet indirect about-
12:34If your mom tells you to walk to school
12:35because your car's dead,
12:36tell her to add some positive energy to the negative energy.
12:38Maybe it will charge her fucking car, dude.
12:40Dude, I've heard rumors that these stairs are haunted.
12:43Apparently, some girl died here
12:44when she was nine or something.
12:45I'm 11, so shut the fuck up.
12:47What do you do?
12:48I'm a comedian.
12:50Where do you perform?
12:51I'm fine.
12:52And Twitter.
12:53Give me a three.
12:54Three.
12:55Give me a months.
12:56Months.
12:57Give me a to live.
12:58To live.
12:58You should probably tell your family.
13:00Yo, what were you doing from 2011
13:02until 2014?
13:03Well, I thought I was a lava lamp, so nothing.
13:06Trump's gonna get us all killed.
13:08The internet's probably not gonna be free for much longer.
13:10But at least Vine's coming back, so.
13:13What are you playing, Pokemon again?
13:14No, I'm living in.
13:15What did you just say to me?
13:17It's not even a car.
13:18Oh, shit.
13:19Oh, shit.
13:20I've been walking for about 30 minutes
13:21and I've not seen another human being.
13:22I hope it's a zombie apocalypse.
13:24I have pizza.
13:25Sir, you have emphysema.
13:27What's that?
13:28It's a chronic illness.
13:28Chronic?
13:29No, you can't smoke that anymore.
13:30No, I got a card.
13:32If at first you don't succeed,
13:33then just give up and try and do something
13:35that requires a little less skill and talent.
13:38What if your parents named you Herb
13:40after some super dank weed,
13:42but nobody knew that and they thought
13:43that you were just some fucking loser named Herbert?
13:45Okay, guys, exam conditions.
13:47You have 30 seconds to find the Larry Shipper.
13:49Go.
13:50Sir, I've just found this on Sarah's Tumblr.
13:51What's up, Brandon?
13:52Hey, you wanna come over?
13:53Hey, why would Brando wanna come over?
13:55What is he going bald?
13:56Shut the fuck up, Gary.
13:57Yeah, my son's in a talent show as well.
13:59He's pretty good.
14:00Oh, here he is now.
14:01Shush, shush.
14:02A potato flew around.
14:04So, five plus four is nine, 69.
14:11It's Friday, and you know what that means.
14:13Sometimes Domino's have good pizza specials for one person.
14:16Yay.
14:17You can have this, just play it cool.
14:18Hi, I'm Kevin.
14:20Fuck.
14:21Excuse me?
14:22I meant Evan, not Kevin.
14:23The bullet narrowly missed your daughter's heart.
14:25She could have been killed.
14:26Or worse, expelled.
14:28I'm so sorry, she's new.
14:29Hey, you're pretty hot.
14:31Like boiling water.
14:33Could you make my noodle soft?
14:36Even though I wear glasses and I've got terrible sight,
14:38when I take them off, I can still see the fact
14:40that you're a basic shady bitch.
14:41So, get the fuck out.
14:44Oh my God, what is it?
14:46Daddy?
14:47Daddy, ew, no.
14:48You're my kid.
14:49Son, can you turn that down?
14:50I can't hear a thing on the phone.
14:52Large font, you're not even singing the rap.
14:54What the fuck are you doing?
14:55I don't need a man to take care of me.
14:56That's why I'm in college, getting my degree.
14:58Alexi, we looking like sluts tonight?
15:00Good.
15:02Oh, hey dad.
15:02Son, I'm not your dad.
15:04What do you mean?
15:05I'm daddy AF.
15:07That'll be $74.
15:08What, for Slim Jims?
15:09Oh yeah, you got 69 up on that.
15:11Are you high?
15:13No.
15:14Me neither.
15:16I've heard the piano version of this is gospel
15:18more times than I've heard my own father's voice.
15:20Hey guys, I love Mexicans,
15:21which is why I just bought a brew,
15:23they spelled Grand Rock.
15:25Fucking Mexicans.
15:26I love them.
15:27This is my favorite room in the house.
15:29It comes with its own original fireplace
15:30and its own fuck boy.
15:33You want a dab?
15:34No, I'm going to my grandma's.
15:35Grandma's are the paradigm of banality
15:37in Western civilization.
15:40If a bunch of people want to be upset over something,
15:42then it's not your place to tell them they can't be.
15:44So shut the fuck up.
15:46Whoa, you know, I was listening to that Panda song
15:48and that's a really good song.
15:50Who are you?
15:51I'm home.
15:52Dad?
15:53Curtis Connor, don't you mean
15:54the little bitch version of Harry's?
15:56That doesn't even rhyme, I don't care.
15:59Hey, how about you go frick yourselves,
16:00you fricking fricks?
16:03How about you do?
16:04Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary.
16:06Yo, dude, what the fuck do you want?
16:08I'm fucking doing go shit.
16:10Shut the fuck up.
16:10We should hang out again, you don't seem like a creep.
16:12This weekend for your birthday.
16:14How did you know?
16:14Just guess.
16:15Oh, I thought you...
16:16Your son is doing very nicely.
16:18He has one small problem.
16:19His penis.
16:20I know, it's spelling, so.
16:22What do you think about insects?
16:24It's weird.
16:25What, you don't like ants?
16:25I mean, she's hot.
16:26You mean insects?
16:27Shut the fuck up, Roger.
16:29Oh my God, I think someone's died.
16:30That's so horrible.
16:32Buy no control on iTunes.
16:34Yeah, how you turn the volume up on this thing?
16:36On what?
16:37TV.
16:38It's off.
16:41Okay, kids, if you wanna turn to page 34 of your Bibles,
16:43you'll see Jesus.
16:45Of course it's Jesus, Mary, shut the fuck up.
16:47Well, the best part about gaining a little weight
16:49is I do not have to iron anymore
16:51because my fat rolls stretch out the fabric.
16:53So it's bloody pissing it down with rain
16:55and a car just drove past and went, ha ha.
16:57I turned around, it was my fucking mom.
17:04Oh, sorry.
17:05Is there a reason why you're listening to music in my class?
17:09It's One Direction.
17:10I used to be 1D as fuck.
17:12So, what do you like to do for fun?
17:15Softball.
17:16Damn it.
17:17Sorry, I didn't know that you were a lesbian.
17:25Wow, that is so lame.
17:26I can do that, right, babe?
17:28Yes, you are so masculine and hot.
17:30Thanks.
17:32Okay, kids, have a nice weekend.
17:33Mary, can I have a word, please?
17:35It's about your Instagram layout, Mary.
17:37What kind of stuff are you into?
17:38Vaping.
17:40Cool.
17:41What do you wanna live in those clouds
17:43and just vape all of them?
17:44Congratulations, you guys,
17:45you've delivered a healthy baby girl.
17:47Would you like to hold her?
17:48Yeah, of course.
17:48Yeet!
17:49What do you wanna be when you grow up?
17:50Vice President.
17:52Hey, can I, um?
17:53You already signed the papers, sir.
17:54Rip them up, you guys gave me a loser.
17:56Some of Jesus' disciples weren't very loyal
17:58towards the end.
17:59Oh my God, fake fans!
18:01I was just wondering if we-
18:02Are you hitting on me?
18:03How dare you?
18:04No, you're fucking gross.
18:05Excuse me?
18:06You're fucking gross.
18:07How dare you?
18:08Mirror, mirror on the wall,
18:10who moves to the left?
18:11All right, mirror, mirror on the wall.
18:14Hey, do you wanna maybe get some tacos?
18:15No, I don't like tacos.
18:17Oh, why did I say that?
18:18I was just kidding.
18:19I was just kidding, too, I did not leave.
18:25Just tell her she's bright, like the moon.
18:28You remind me of the moon,
18:29because it's like a toenail.
18:32Jesus said, you're not a disciple.
18:34The British man turned around,
18:35he looked into Jesus' eyes and said,
18:37hi, I'm Harry.
18:38Hi, my name is Alcoholic, and I'm Evan.
18:41Son, are you-
18:42Dad?
18:43No, no, have you been drinking beer?
18:44No, Dad was smoking it, dude.
18:45Just worry more about the ears.
18:46Okay.
18:47Good job.
18:48And action.
18:49Hey, I'm Hilary Duff from Lizzie McGuire,
18:51and you're watching Disney Channel.
18:54Hey, what's up, all you dick fucks?
18:56Fours?
18:57Everyone made fun of me,
18:58because I got a pink bathroom,
18:59but guess what?
19:00My dad's redoing it, so screw you.
19:01Okay, class, this is called the Mona Lisa.
19:03Selfie game weak as fuck.
19:05So, what's your favorite show?
19:07I like American Horror Story.
19:08What about you?
19:09Porn?
19:11Autography.
19:12Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Burger King!
19:17Hey, don't put your cigarette butt in there.
19:19It's an ashtray.
19:20There is a child in Africa
19:21that would have smoked that cigarette butt.
19:22Wednesday?
19:23More like, when's this day gonna end?
19:25Evan, thanks for coming in.
19:26Thanks for having me, dude.
19:30Are you gonna sit down?