Tickle (2013) Season 1 Episode 8: Drunk History
Tickle (2013) Season 1 Episode 8: Drunk History
Tickle tries to make some extra cash by giving historic bus tours to senior citizens. Meanwhile Howard and Mo deal with the not-so-secret news of Megan's pregnancy and throw her a party for the record books.
#tickle #moonshiners
Tickle tries to make some extra cash by giving historic bus tours to senior citizens. Meanwhile Howard and Mo deal with the not-so-secret news of Megan's pregnancy and throw her a party for the record books.
#tickle #moonshiners
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TVTranscript
00:00Well, there has been a slight problem.
00:02I can't help it that it was the last tour, they...
00:05Where's Chuck?
00:09A lot of people say getting old is a bad thing.
00:12You know, I look at it this way.
00:14It's better than the alternative.
00:16If you're not getting old, you're dying.
00:22Is that your car back there?
00:24Worried that his Shine's rightful owner might be catching up to him,
00:27Tickles hoping to buy his way out of trouble...
00:30If we ain't getting rich overnight, it needs to be pretty damn quick.
00:33...and failing miserably.
00:35Come here, you little son of a...
00:37So the boys have retreated to the one place no one would ever think to find them.
00:43I'm pretty sure that's me up there the furthest.
00:45I doubt it.
00:47What are we even doing out here on the golf course, man?
00:49We suck at it.
00:50This is what frees your mind right here.
00:52You take this in, the serenity, the peacefulness.
00:54We're living the executive lifestyle right now.
00:56I mean, you gotta get serious.
00:58Aw, it tickles.
00:59Hey, y'all ready?
01:00Yeah, I'm ready.
01:01Let me show you.
01:02You know, I done seen them do this on TV.
01:04Wind it up.
01:05Yeah.
01:06You gotta get it right.
01:07All right.
01:08All right.
01:11That was a good warm-up swing.
01:13That's what that was.
01:14That's warm-up right there.
01:16Oh.
01:17Just be quiet.
01:18Golf is a quiet game.
01:19Yes, it is.
01:21All right.
01:27There you go.
01:31Bill!
01:32Holy s***.
01:37Go, go, go.
01:42Bill.
01:43Bill, how's it going, boy?
01:44You had enough time to take off to play golf?
01:46Bill, these knuckleheads, man.
01:47I told them we need to be minding the store.
01:49Penny saves, penny earned, brother.
01:50They don't listen to nothing.
01:51Man, you drug me down here.
01:53These boys don't listen, man.
01:56That's a fact.
01:57They don't listen.
01:58You know what, Howard?
01:59You just sit over there and be quiet, man.
02:01So, tell me.
02:02How are your money-making schemes coming along?
02:04We're working at it.
02:06Bill, I got a couple of things I need you to do.
02:09Okay.
02:10So, just swing by that shop tomorrow.
02:12I'll tell you what you got going on.
02:13All right.
02:14So, it sounds good, Bill.
02:15Hopefully, you'll be happier to see us this next time.
02:17Probably not.
02:19We'll see you, Bill.
02:21Don't be late.
02:22All right.
02:23We know.
02:24We'll see you, Bill.
02:25We don't know when to be there.
02:26How are we going to be late?
02:27I don't know.
02:28They're sitting there, man, in their damn riddles.
02:30The real riddle is where Howard found those pants.
02:33But that's a question for another day.
02:38Bill.
02:39What's up, Bill?
02:40See that box right there?
02:42I do.
02:43I want you all to safeguard that for me for a couple of days.
02:46And I'm expecting a hell of a lot better job than I got last time.
02:50Come on.
02:51What's it going to hurt, man?
02:55Man.
02:56You just be careful with it.
02:57She's a little heavy.
02:58You know.
02:59Is there a dead body in here?
03:00Bill, this ain't going to get messed up.
03:03I promise you.
03:04You know what I mean?
03:05Lesson's been learned from that first time.
03:07Well, I hope so.
03:08No, we got this.
03:12It's Howard.
03:13Look at you.
03:14Oh, no, man.
03:16What the hell, Howard?
03:17Y'all need to get the hell out of here.
03:19I'm sorry, Bill.
03:20Cousin.
03:21Idiot.
03:22I dropped the box.
03:24All right.
03:25Who had the eight seconds on that one?
03:26I did.
03:27Lucky one.
03:28Hello, Ben Franklin.
03:29I don't know about it, Bill.
03:30Enjoy the game, man.
03:34After a quick stop to wash away Howard's shame,
03:36the boys are brainstorming their next idea over a stiff cup of coffee.
03:42We got to find a gig that pays, man.
03:44I don't know if I can handle another failure.
03:46All tickles fail moneymaker schemes.
03:49It's really starting to affect my self-esteem.
03:55The only thing that I've actually had make money on this delivery service
03:59is when I took the old people to see the darn geese and the ducks.
04:04You think it's coming back?
04:06That was easy.
04:08That's what you should start doing to them man-cartin' old folks around.
04:12Well, what you gonna move them to?
04:14Man, who knows?
04:15Take them on tours.
04:16I don't know, something.
04:17Better be riding around with you than riding a bedpan all day.
04:20You make a good point.
04:21Old people do love me.
04:23I think it's because I treat them like equals.
04:27Sir, I dropped one of your boxes.
04:30Yes, sir.
04:33I can't just tote them around in the truck.
04:35We got a cousin, Slicky.
04:37He is in the business.
04:38He's got short buses, big buses.
04:40He's even got armored trucks.
04:41But now, he ain't trying to take the old folks out in armored vehicles.
04:44He might be pretty cool if he did though.
04:47But nah, we can get you a bus.
04:49Sounds like a win-win to me.
04:50Old people love talking about the good old days.
04:52So if I can do a tour about some local history,
04:54I can make enough money to keep myself from becoming local history.
04:58Salud!
04:59Let's do this.
05:00I live.
05:01The boys have an idea that just might make them some money.
05:04And even more miraculous, the next day, they still remember it.
05:09This tour bus could really make us some money.
05:12Old people love that stuff.
05:13You know?
05:14They just want to get out their bones then.
05:16I mean.
05:17You know?
05:18What the hell?
05:19What the hell?
05:20That's the third damn time this week she done ran off the bathroom.
05:24I know it.
05:25I mean.
05:27You hear back there, man?
05:28Sound like Niagara Falls, boy.
05:30Something's definitely up with Megan.
05:31Her moods are all over the damn place.
05:33One minute she's crying, next minute she's puking.
05:35She's sick as a dog, boys.
05:37I mean, who the hell puts hot sauce on a brownie?
05:39A junkie, that's who.
05:41Is she strung out?
05:42She might be, yeah, you know.
05:44It ain't drugs, man.
05:45She don't, no way, man.
05:46You seen how big she's gotten the past couple months?
05:48I mean, she eats up everything in damn sight.
05:50You know, I feel bad for Megan.
05:52It's hard for a bigger woman to live up to the unrealistic images in the beauty magazine she's been puking on.
05:57Maybe she's getting off of drugs and that's what's making her sick.
06:00Might have swallowed people during the DTs that do that.
06:03That's for sure.
06:05Look, yeah, Slicky, our cousin, we'll grab that bus from him.
06:09Sounds good to me.
06:10We'll get us a PA system.
06:11Yeah.
06:12If he don't have one, I'm sure we'll pick one up somewhere.
06:14We'll find something somewhere.
06:15All right, so look, y'all take care of this bus.
06:17All right?
06:18And folks.
06:19I'm gonna go see if I can't find us some old folk to take on this tour.
06:21You just stay out of trouble, all right?
06:24All right, well, we'll see you.
06:25All right.
06:26I'm gonna go get some breakfast.
06:27Hold it down, girl.
06:28I mean literally everything.
06:29I'm not gonna rest till I get to the bottom of this Megan mystery.
06:32There's one thing me and Moe are known for.
06:34It's discreet observation.
06:36I don't think Howard knows what discreet means.
06:39Of course, neither does Tickle.
06:41B8.
06:43I29.
06:45Bingo.
06:46Bingo?
06:47Yep.
06:48I never called enough numbers.
06:51You'd think sitting around waiting for your number to be called wouldn't really appeal to old people,
06:55but this place is packed with potential customers.
06:57G46.
07:01Black history.
07:03What's that?
07:04N34.
07:05History.
07:06It's like stuff that happened in the past.
07:09What happened in the past?
07:10What happened in the past?
07:12All kinds of stuff.
07:13G57.
07:19They got historic bus tours going on.
07:21When?
07:23Whenever they get enough people to fill the bus up.
07:25B12.
07:27I don't think I wanna go with you.
07:29I get the same things from girls sometimes.
07:31B8.
07:33You like history?
07:34No.
07:35Turns out old people ain't as interested in history as I thought.
07:38Maybe it's because they was there when it happened.
07:50What?
07:52Nothing.
07:53Just thinking.
07:54I mean, it can't help with looking in your direction.
07:55I was looking straight through you.
07:56I was zoned out.
07:58Mo and Howard will not stop staring at me.
08:00And it's seriously starting to creep me out.
08:03I'm getting to the bottom of it right now.
08:04What are you talking about?
08:05She'll be in there forever.
08:06What are you gonna do?
08:07I'm gonna go through her damn...
08:08No, you ain't, man.
08:09Don't do that.
08:11It won't take but a minute, cousin.
08:12Stop, man.
08:14I knew it.
08:15Printing them.
08:16That's pretty neat, old dumb son.
08:18Pregnant?
08:19I did not see that one coming.
08:24See that right there?
08:25That's why you never go into a woman's purse.
08:27You go in for a stick of gum,
08:28and you come out with a baby.
08:32Damn, cousin.
08:33She's been knocked up the whole time.
08:35I guess she's carrying the baby kind of low or something.
08:37I thought she was just a big block.
08:39Man, I can't believe Meg will keep something like this from us.
08:41I mean, what else has she been hiding?
08:43I wonder if Meg is even a real name.
08:44We really ought to do something big for her, cousin.
08:46What, like the old OPP?
08:50What the hell is OPP?
08:51That's the old pregnant party, man.
08:53You want to throw a party?
08:54The old pregnant party is an ancient southern tradition
08:56that goes way back
08:59to about 15 seconds ago
09:01when I pulled it out of my ass.
09:02Like a baby shower except ass style.
09:04I like the way this is going, brother.
09:06It'd be a hell of a good idea, wouldn't it?
09:08Come on, let's go.
09:10Of course it's a good idea.
09:12Who wouldn't want two drunken cousins
09:14that can't tell the difference between a pregnant woman
09:16and a drug addict planning their baby shower?
09:20Desperate to pay off his pursuers...
09:22We got to find a gig that pays, man.
09:24You make a good point.
09:25...Tickles recruiting seniors for his historical bus tour.
09:29You like history?
09:30No.
09:31Since the direct approach failed,
09:33Tickles trying to subtly immerse himself in their culture.
09:48It's a fun class, isn't it?
09:49Sometimes.
09:50Sometimes?
09:51Sometimes it's tiring.
09:52Yeah, well, you know what's more fun?
09:54What's more fun?
09:55History.
09:56And it's nowhere near as tiring.
09:58Oh, you're the bus guy.
10:00Yeah, yeah, bus tour.
10:02Looks like I'm starting to get a bad reputation.
10:04Maybe I'm being a little too aggressive in my approach
10:07to get these old people to sign up for the tour.
10:10Maybe it's time to turn on the old Tickle charm.
10:13How's it going?
10:14Good.
10:15You're not old enough to know a whole lot of history.
10:17You ought to learn some.
10:18You even a member here?
10:20Do you got to be?
10:21Well, how did you get in the front door?
10:29You got me hanging the wrong way.
10:31Sorry.
10:35While Tickle's got himself in hot water at the local senior center.
10:39This class is for seniors only.
10:41Across town, Howard and Moe are blowing the whistle on Megan's deception.
10:45Don't feel ashamed or, you know, that you need to hide things from us.
10:49And it's all right.
10:50We just want you to know it's fine.
10:51I mean, congratulations.
10:53Yes.
10:54Hiding what?
10:58The baby.
11:00What are you talking about?
11:01What am I talking about?
11:02You're with child.
11:04I've been pregnant for seven months.
11:06I've not been trying to keep this hidden.
11:09Megan, is that your second burger?
11:11Well, I am eating for two.
11:13I see you eating two of everything.
11:16Oh, I cannot wait for this baby to come out.
11:20I know the feeling.
11:22Megan, we know that you kind of want to keep this crisis under wraps.
11:25But you don't have to hide these things.
11:27And that's what we're trying to prove here.
11:28I'm married.
11:29This is my second child.
11:31They're acting like I got knocked up at the prom and I'm scared to tell my mama.
11:35We want to do something nice.
11:36We're going to throw a little shindig, a get-together.
11:38A few friends come by, mix up a few milk jugs, you know.
11:41Well, that sounds really nice.
11:42I would like that.
11:44I'm already having a baby shower.
11:45With everything that I have to put up with around here, I'd say I deserve some extra gifts.
11:50It's a beautiful thing you're going through.
11:51I mean, you're glowing.
11:53I just thought it was grease.
11:59Bill, how's it going today?
12:02What the hell you want?
12:04Well, you know, I'm trying to make a little bit of extra money and stuff.
12:07And I was trying to do these bus tours, you know, for seniors.
12:11And I've been having a hard time finding any.
12:13I figure you could probably help me out with that.
12:15Why the hell do you think I know old people?
12:20You're just so, uh, you know...
12:23You're just so, uh, you know...
12:27well-connected.
12:30I can't afford to get on Grandpa Bill's bad side.
12:33I've already got one dangerous lunatic after me.
12:36If I don't fill these buses up, I can't do nothing.
12:39Well, I'll see what I can do for you.
12:41I'll make a few phone calls.
12:43I appreciate it.
12:44Is that it?
12:45You know, I reckon so.
12:46Adios.
12:48All right, well, we'll see you, Bill.
12:49I guess he's not so bad for an old guy after all.
12:51Yo, Shorty, what you doing, man?
12:53Hey, Bill.
12:54Need a favor.
12:55I need a busload of the oldest, crankiest,
12:58f***ed-up old people that you can come up with.
13:00No problem.
13:02We're gonna have some fun with something.
13:06As this sunset and sunrise clearly demonstrate,
13:09some time is passing.
13:10And Tickle's first historical bus tour is just minutes away.
13:15Moe, what the hell is this bus, man?
13:17Oh, hell yeah, cousin Slicky hooked this up, didn't he?
13:22I pictured hundreds of ways Howard and Moe screw-ups
13:24was gonna land me in a prison bus,
13:26but this was not one of them.
13:28You gotta get over here and look at it.
13:29I'm in the middle of this megatank right now, Tick.
13:31All right, fine, fine.
13:38There's not much I can do since our first customers
13:40are gonna be here any minute.
13:42At least the elderly ain't known for their 2020 vision.
13:45Guest of honor, Abby Pringle!
13:49I've never, ever, ever seen anything like this in my life.
13:54Girl, come on in, get you a little nipper-sipper.
13:56That's what we got in here.
13:57A little something to set you on your way.
13:59This is soft.
14:02Feel that down in your toenails, don't you?
14:04Exactly.
14:05Fit your hair?
14:06I think that's all I need.
14:08It ain't a party without a little nipper.
14:10Look, you didn't get her her drink.
14:13She can't drink beer?
14:14No, she can't drink beer.
14:16Why? You're pregnant.
14:17You're not drinking shots.
14:18You can't have alcohol at all.
14:19Are you flushing your kidneys, Bo?
14:21We got water in the bathroom.
14:25Cake, all right.
14:28While Megan teaches Howard where babies come from,
14:31Tickle's about to teach his customers
14:33why you should never have a baby.
14:35I'm not gonna have a baby.
14:36I'm not gonna have a baby.
14:37I'm not gonna have a baby.
14:38I'm not gonna have a baby.
14:39Tickle's gonna teach his customers
14:40why you should never get on a prison bus with a stranger.
14:44I'd like to welcome you to Tickle's Tours.
14:47I am Tickle. I'll be your tour guide.
14:49Do I have any questions today?
14:50Why the handcuffs?
14:52Well, they came with the bus.
14:54Why the wire?
14:56That is to keep you safe inside the bus.
14:59Are we expecting trouble?
15:00I promise you, you'll be comfortable along the way.
15:03Okay, if there are no other questions,
15:05we can get this tour on the road.
15:07Driver, let's go.
15:09Okay.
15:10I don't know why I was so worried about this bus.
15:12We can't hear you.
15:13Is this thing working here?
15:14No.
15:16Okay, okay.
15:17I'll just have to talk a little louder to you.
15:19We're on the way to Thomas Jefferson's Poplar Forest.
15:22Okay.
15:23Where is that at?
15:24It's this way.
15:25It was started in 1812.
15:28He was dead, I think.
15:32If they know all the answers,
15:33why the hell are they on this tour?
15:35Thomas Jefferson was a very important man.
15:38Was he married?
15:39Was he married? Yes, he was married.
15:41Do you know how many young'uns he had?
15:43Well, no.
15:44Back then, they didn't keep too many records
15:45of how many kids they had.
15:46You just kept having them.
15:48I hope they got some information over there
15:50because I don't think we find it out too much.
15:52The only thing this tour has going for it
15:54is a captive audience.
15:56This is not what we paid for.
16:03Love bites.
16:06Love stings.
16:08That was my favorite song back then.
16:11You're skating backwards today.
16:13Skating backwards today.
16:15No, the girl was.
16:17I couldn't skate backwards.
16:18I ain't gonna lie to you.
16:19I busted my ass quite a few times.
16:22I had to hold hands.
16:23I couldn't do it.
16:24Don't you let me fall.
16:29Tickle started a tour of the past.
16:31Why the hentai?
16:32They came with the bus.
16:34To solve his money problems of today.
16:36But this scheme has just reached a dead end.
16:39What's the deal here?
16:40Well, look, look.
16:41It's just they've changed the entrance up a little bit.
16:44We're finding it.
16:45That sign says golf course.
16:47Little known fact,
16:49this is Thomas Jefferson's golf course here.
16:51He didn't even play golf.
16:53Sure he did.
16:54Like I said, it was a very little known fact.
16:56I promise you, we'll be there momentarily.
16:58Well, I gotta go to the bathroom and I'm hungry.
17:00You'd think after a certain age,
17:02people would always know to use the bathroom
17:04before you get on the bus.
17:06Okay, well, we will get this all taken care of
17:09in just a moment.
17:10If people start having accidents,
17:12there's no way Tickle's getting his deposit back on this bus.
17:16If only he had one of Howard's goodie bags.
17:19This is what I call a little baby starter kit.
17:22Two diapers.
17:23That's his last year while.
17:25You gotta wash and rinse.
17:26That's the key.
17:27I've been changing his for years.
17:28The paper doubles as a diaper.
17:31Ooh, this is gonna be a diaper too.
17:33Oh my goodness.
17:34All whites, whichever you prefer.
17:36I'm starting to learn a lot about Howard's childhood.
17:38And it all kind of makes sense now.
17:40Here you go, hammer, hammer right here.
17:42Let's go, walk forward, swing that jewel.
17:45Look at you.
17:47Hot dog.
17:48Come on.
17:52Howard should know that my preferred method of birth control
17:55is seeing how he turned out.
17:57If you use these responsibly, no more hidden secrets.
18:00Okay.
18:01Howard's not so great with party favors,
18:03but I've got an ace in the hole.
18:05Everybody loves cake.
18:07So what do you think, man?
18:08This is the best OPP party you ever been to, ain't it?
18:10Well, I really appreciate you guys putting this together
18:14and everything, but I have not been trying to hide this.
18:17If you would listen to me more often,
18:19you might want to pick up on that.
18:21If you're pregnant or if you got gout,
18:23whatever, we're here for you.
18:25Despite everything,
18:28the fact that they cared enough to throw me a party
18:30is really very sweet,
18:31and now that they know I'm pregnant,
18:33they'll stop with the fat jokes,
18:34and that is the best gift of all.
18:36Success, cousin.
18:38Hope you enjoyed it, Megan.
18:39Call us for all your party planning.
18:41Thank you. I appreciate it.
18:43Man, today turned out great.
18:45We showed Megan how much we really care for her.
18:47Probably got a few referrals.
18:48In case we ever want to go into this party planning thing full time.
18:51Somehow I doubt those boys will get any repeat customers,
18:55and that goes double for Tickle.
18:57No, we're passing it, we're passing it.
18:59All right, let's just stop here.
19:00I'll be right back.
19:02The nightmare is finally over.
19:04I can just check in, send some old people to the bathroom,
19:07and let them roam free until they're ready for a nap.
19:10Holy crap.
19:13There has been a slight problem.
19:15The last tour group stopped for chili.
19:17All the bathrooms are stopped up.
19:18They've closed the place down.
19:19You promised.
19:21Well, I can't help it that it was the last tour.
19:23They, um...
19:25Oh, listen.
19:31Why can't we go inside?
19:37Is that moonshine?
19:39Maybe.
19:41Can I have a sip?
19:43Why not?
19:47Hey, what y'all doing?
19:49What is that?
19:51Here, here, y'all can pass that around.
19:53As a matter of fact, we have a couple of more.
19:55Yeah!
19:57All right.
19:59What's the flavor?
20:01That, that's just straight-up whiskey.
20:03Just straight-up cornmix.
20:05Yeah, a couple of sips of this,
20:07and I guarantee your trip will be much better.
20:09So how do you make it?
20:11Well, now, moonshine can be made all kinds of different ways.
20:15It takes sugar and mash.
20:17Yeah, well, there we go.
20:19You have to use sugar and yeast and water.
20:22You have to let that ferment.
20:24It all depends on your recipe,
20:26whether you want a brandy, you want a corn liquor,
20:28or what you're looking for.
20:32I think you need to get out of the tour business
20:34and get back into moonshine.
20:36You seem to know more about it.
20:38That's for sure.
20:40Usually the quickest way to somebody's heart
20:42is through their stomach.
20:44I should have known the best way to an old person's heart
20:46is through their liver.
20:48We had bottles of beer.
20:50His hair went there.
20:52I stood around.
20:54Bottles of beer on the wall.
20:56Life is always worth celebrating.
20:58It doesn't matter if it's a brand-new one
21:00or a bunch of old ones.
21:02There's always time to crack open some shine
21:05and drink with the people that you care about.
21:07The only thing is,
21:09it really depends on if them bastards remember to invite you.
21:12All right, I hope you enjoyed the tour.
21:14I did.
21:16I'll let you know when we're having another one.
21:18Okay.