Taskmaster.S18E03
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TVTranscript
00:00SIGHS
00:03MUSIC
00:06WHISTLING
00:09SCREAMING
00:12SCREAMING
00:15MUSIC
00:18SCREAMING
00:21APPLAUSE
00:24CHEERING
00:27APPLAUSE
00:33Hello! Thank you, thank you, everybody.
00:36Welcome to Taskmaster, the Olympics for funny people.
00:40And like elite athletes, our comedians have been in training
00:43for this their whole careers.
00:45And similarly, one slip-up could see them never compete again,
00:49lose their homes, and end up singing Sweet Caroline
00:52in High Street, having drunk a pint of plant feed
00:55they stole from a garden centre.
00:58The stakes are high and the rewards are low.
01:02Let's meet them now.
01:04Please welcome Andy Zaltzman!
01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:09Babatunde Elese!
01:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:12Emma Siddy!
01:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:15Jack D!
01:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:18And Rosie Jo!
01:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:23And last to me, a man who secretly confided in me
01:26that he doesn't think community liaison officers are real police
01:30and challenges any of them who meet him to kick him hard
01:34in the gooch.
01:36LAUGHTER
01:38It's a little Alex Hart!
01:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:46OK, let's begin.
01:47Yes, and what a way to begin,
01:49and the prize category this week is the object with the most soul.
01:53OK?
01:55I know. Ooh, indeed.
01:57As a guy in a band, I get a lot of people stopping me and saying,
02:01you are soul.
02:03But it's not about me, it's about Greg giving maximum points
02:07to the object with the most soul.
02:09All right. Rosie, shall we start with you?
02:12No.
02:13LAUGHTER
02:15It was rhetorical.
02:17All right, what I brought to make me more soulful
02:25is a saxophone.
02:28Yes, it is.
02:30LAUGHTER
02:32Can I play a saxophone?
02:36No.
02:38Can I carry around a saxophone?
02:44Yes.
02:46No.
02:48LAUGHTER
02:50Soul.
02:51That is going to score badly.
02:55LAUGHTER
02:57What's your favourite saxophone song?
03:00LAUGHTER
03:02If you can give me one,
03:04then I might consider not putting you at the bottom.
03:07Oh!
03:09Right, that is Les Simpson.
03:13LAUGHTER
03:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:21Emma, have you brought something in that has the most soul?
03:24I've brought in a Furby.
03:26Oh.
03:27Someone's back in the game.
03:30Here's Emma's soulful Furby.
03:33LAUGHTER
03:35I don't know if anybody remembers what Furbys would get up to,
03:38but basically they're kind of...
03:41And they start off like that.
03:43And then, as time goes on, they start to learn from you
03:46and eventually they're able to say,
03:48I love you.
03:50LAUGHTER
03:52Also, it opens with a little beat, with a little tongue,
03:55you go, la-la-la.
03:57And you put your finger in and it's like, love that.
04:00Oh, la-la-la, soul.
04:02If I put my finger in your mouth, you wouldn't mind it,
04:05and that's soul.
04:06LAUGHTER
04:08I like a Furby as much as the next person.
04:10OK.
04:11I don't think that a plastic fur-based toy
04:14going dip-dap-dup-dup is soul.
04:17And I'm not going to be able to convince you of this,
04:20I just know it to be my truth.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:25She's good, she is good.
04:28Jack? Yeah.
04:29What have you brought in?
04:31I brought James Brown in.
04:33LAUGHTER
04:34Technically, not actually James Brown,
04:36but I have brought in an effigy of James Brown,
04:39who's singing or dancing.
04:41The budget on this show won't allow us to hear him singing,
04:45so if I did it without the tune...
04:47Oh, I feel good.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:51So...
04:53We're not allowed to say lyrics either.
04:56All right. Oh, I feel wood.
04:58LAUGHTER
05:00There you go.
05:01Are you ready to see the Godfather of Soul?
05:03I am. Here he is.
05:05Here we go.
05:06He goes, oh, I feel wood.
05:09Oh, I feel wood.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:18Jesus Christ, this is going to be a low-scoring round.
05:22Andy? Yes.
05:23What soulful thing have you brought in?
05:25I brought a shoe.
05:26Ready to see it?
05:28LAUGHTER
05:30Obviously, a shoe has a soul,
05:32but the soles of the shoes are Dover soles.
05:36LAUGHTER
05:38There's a speaker in the lower of the two shoes.
05:41It's programmed to play only soul music,
05:44the likes of James Brown, Aretha Franklin, Bananarama...
05:47We'll imagine it. We'll imagine it.
05:49Yeah.
05:50There's a picture of the sun in Spain, or...
05:53soul, as it's also...
05:56I'm sorry, do... I've not finished yet, Greg.
05:58LAUGHTER
05:59Harnessing the power of the occult as a wizard,
06:02I also fixed into the shoes
06:05the soul of your late great-great-great uncle, Brian.
06:09LAUGHTER
06:11Do you know what, Andy? Yeah.
06:12I mean, it says something. It's the best yet.
06:15Who's next? Baba.
06:16I brought in a Nigerian talking drum.
06:19You see, how they make this is quite mythical, right?
06:22What they do, once they build it,
06:24they put it in the streets of Lagos,
06:26or whatever town in Nigeria,
06:28and what it does, they believe it absorbs the language
06:31of the people as they're in the streets talking.
06:34So when you hit it, it sounds like the language being spoken.
06:38So I tried this out, tried it out.
06:40I live in Stevenage, and I...
06:42LAUGHTER
06:44That's the capital of soul. Yeah.
06:47I put it outside, I hit it, and it literally said,
06:50you prick. And so...
06:52LAUGHTER
06:54That's the most soulful thing in this whole line-up right now,
06:58the Nigerian talking drum people.
07:00Thank you very much. Good speech.
07:02APPLAUSE
07:06I hope the rest of you are ashamed of yourself.
07:09Right, let's score it and move on.
07:11What is the least soulful thing? What do you think?
07:14I think the saxophone, though. Yeah, of course.
07:17One point. Got it.
07:18OK, I'll give Emma two points
07:20for daring to suggest there's any soul in a Furby.
07:24Jack, at least he chose the godfather of soul.
07:27But then he had him behead himself on television,
07:30so he can only have three points. Got it.
07:33Andy made an effort.
07:35Sure, it's a series of awful puns around the world.
07:38Soul, we know that.
07:39Sure, he's dressed as a wizard, but no reason.
07:42And he gets four points.
07:44And the only person who actually brought anything
07:46of any consequence in is Baba, so he gets five.
07:49These are my judgements.
07:51APPLAUSE
07:55OK, task time. Shall we begin, Alex?
07:57Yes, Greg.
07:59Commence Countdown.
08:18Oh, hey.
08:20Emma. You all right?
08:22Just bringing back some memories.
08:24Good ones?
08:28Terrifying.
08:30Is that being operated manually, or is it a machine?
08:34It shouldn't be happening, actually. It's a warning system.
08:37Oh, right, OK, it's a warning system. Yeah.
08:39Yeah. OK. Not yet. OK, no, sorry.
08:43Five, four, three,
08:47two, one, zero.
09:04Oh, cheers, bro. It was meant to fire off.
09:07Oh, unlucky, bro.
09:10Put a rocket in your pocket.
09:12Fastest wins.
09:14Your time starts now.
09:16That's not a rocket, I'm so sorry.
09:18That's just a tube.
09:20Your time starts now.
09:22That's not a rocket, unfortunately.
09:24That's just a tube.
09:26I'm so sorry.
09:28But what are the asterisks?
09:32There's an asterisk, is there?
09:34There are two.
09:36What do them two stars mean? Yeah, they're both asterisks.
09:39OK.
09:42Double star. Dot.
09:45I'll just ignore that, the font.
09:47Is this the rocket, this red bit?
09:49No, none of those bits are rockets.
09:51So where's the rocket?
09:53Yes.
09:55What do you mean, yes?
09:57Where is the rocket?
10:00Yes.
10:02No, no, where?
10:04APPLAUSE
10:11Well, I might be suggesting here
10:13that you don't know what a rocket is.
10:15I know what a rocket is.
10:17I see, like, the space people, they do that.
10:19That's a rocket, right? Yeah, yeah.
10:21Oh, yeah, sorry, I didn't realise you had a degree.
10:23LAUGHTER
10:25Listen, Greg, we still...
10:27We've got to go outside after this, bro.
10:29Like, I mean...
10:31Oh, you're physically threatening me.
10:33LAUGHTER
10:35I've got to say, it's the first person
10:37who's ever offered me out for a fight
10:39in all these series,
10:41and I've got to tell you, Baba, it was exhilarating.
10:43LAUGHTER
10:45Woo!
10:47LAUGHTER
10:49OK, let's crack on.
10:51First to recce for rockets, it is Baba.
10:53Is there a rocket here?
10:55That's the question.
10:57Ooh!
10:59Listen, I've got two children, yeah?
11:01I've got time for this. Where's the rocket?
11:03Where is the rocket?
11:05We're not going to do this.
11:07Right.
11:17LAUGHTER
11:19Let's go and look.
11:21A rocket.
11:23That's not a rocket, that's like a telescope.
11:25Anything under here?
11:27Oh, oh, oh, oh!
11:29Ah, that's half a rocket.
11:31We're onto something.
11:33What's that?
11:35What's that?
11:37What's that?
11:39That's a full rocket.
11:43I've got a rocket in my pocket.
11:45Yes, you have.
11:47There was the rocket.
11:49It was in the...
11:51This is an orca. This is an orca's mouth.
11:53It was in the orca's mouth.
11:55Let's say killer whale, cos that sounds gangster.
11:57It was in the killer whale's mouth.
11:59LAUGHTER
12:01APPLAUSE
12:05The man knows exactly what a rocket is.
12:07He found it quickly
12:09and he labelled the orcas
12:11the gangsters of the sea.
12:13LAUGHTER
12:15Absolute textbook. I told you I know what a rocket is, bro.
12:17Yeah, I know. You didn't believe in me,
12:19but you've seen the footage, bro. I've learnt that now
12:21and now I believe there's no need for it to come to blow.
12:23LAUGHTER
12:25Good. Who is next?
12:27Next up to hunt for rockets are my two favourite condiments,
12:29salt and pepper...
12:31Salt and Emma. Salt and pepper. Salt and Emma.
12:33LAUGHTER
12:35It looks like a rocket.
12:37That's not a rocket. No. Well, it's not a rocket until it's fired.
12:39It's a potential rocket.
12:41Even then, that is not a rocket.
12:43I don't see why. Why can that not be a rocket?
12:45It hasn't got fins.
12:47I'm just thinking...
12:49Have you got any fizzy drinks?
12:51Can I make fins out of that?
12:53Right, that's better.
12:55Right, so did you just make yourself a rocket?
12:57I made myself a rocket, but it didn't go in my pocket.
12:59Right, OK.
13:01LAUGHTER
13:03Oh, shit.
13:07Right. Are you saying you've made a rocket?
13:09Yeah.
13:11In that case, I'm going to have to give you that.
13:13If you draw, make or write your own rocket,
13:15that doesn't count as an actual rocket
13:17unless you are a rocket scientist.
13:19If you are not a rocket scientist,
13:21you must now put two rockets in your pockets.
13:23LAUGHTER
13:25Are you a rocket scientist? No, I'm not. Right.
13:27I did languages.
13:29LAUGHTER
13:31Two rockets? Yes, please. Am I allowed out of the room?
13:33Absolutely. Oh, right, OK.
13:35Maybe I should have thought of that before.
13:37LAUGHTER
13:39Two rockets in your pockets? One like that?
13:41No, that's not a rocket. That's a can of Coke with a sweet in.
13:43For fuck's sake!
13:45Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm going to have to give you this.
13:47If you swear at any point
13:49after drawing, making or writing your own rocket,
13:51you must now put three rockets in your pockets.
13:53LAUGHTER
13:55WHISTLE BLOWS
14:01I mean, is that a rocket?
14:03I don't think you'll fit that in your pocket, though.
14:05LAUGHTER
14:09Was it on the rocket?
14:11Are you saying that's a rocket? No, no.
14:13Oh, no, there is a rocket there.
14:15Oh, there you go. You found a rocket?
14:17I found one... I need another rocket.
14:21No, no, no, no.
14:23No, no, no, no. We're going back inside.
14:25Is there anything in the sharks?
14:27Not a shark. There's a rocket in there.
14:31Walker?
14:33I've stopped the clock.
14:35Right, that took a long time.
14:37Have you looked in anything yet?
14:39Like, you mean in that?
14:41No. Well, if you want.
14:43LAUGHTER
14:49Oh, like in this pot?
14:51Oh!
14:53That's a tiny little rocket.
14:55You'd better put it in your pocket, then.
14:57OK, now I'm on board with it. All right, fine.
14:59Any other little rockets about?
15:03Oh, my God, there's one in Charlotte Ritchie!
15:05LAUGHTER
15:07Oh, yeah, there you go.
15:09Time's up. I've stopped the clock.
15:11Oh, you did the noise for me. Yeah, sorry.
15:13LAUGHTER
15:15APPLAUSE
15:21Classic case of him moving the goalposts as the task goes on.
15:24Incredibly irritating, I find it.
15:26Me? Yeah. Oh, sorry.
15:28While I'm at it, I also found it really irritating
15:30when you opened the plug and there was a rocket inside
15:32and you looked at the camera as if to say...
15:34LAUGHTER
15:37Andy, you were told repeatedly
15:39that the yellow tube in the lab was not a rocket.
15:41Yeah. Repeatedly.
15:43You know, if you fire something upwards,
15:46you've rocketed it. Have you not?
15:48I think you've rocketed it, but it doesn't become a rocket, does it?
15:51Your argument is if it gets fired, it's a rocket? Yeah.
15:53Well, you could do that to a chartered accountant.
15:55LAUGHTER
15:59Emma. Yeah.
16:01Now, I'm no rocket scientist,
16:03but putting a sweet inside a can of Coke...
16:08..how, in any rational mind, can that be justified as a rocket?
16:12Well, yeah, it's shocking, isn't it?
16:14I mean, it was a totally stupid decision
16:16and, also, it didn't even fizz.
16:18It was just crap, wasn't it?
16:20Well, look, Baba took 552.
16:22Andy, 18 minutes 10.
16:24Emma, 39 minutes.
16:27Wow. Get in!
16:30All right, part one is over.
16:32They never really loved you anyway.
16:33Part one didn't even make an effort with your mum.
16:35It's finished. Let it go.
16:37Make a life with part two.
16:39It's a great cook and it's a tomcat in the bedroom.
16:41We'll see you in a bit.
16:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:51Hello!
16:52Welcome to the start of part two.
16:55Please remind us what was happening before the break,
16:57my sad little otter.
16:59Well, they're all trying to find a rocket
17:01and put it in their pocket as fast as is bloody possible.
17:04Finally, it's Jack and Rosie.
17:07Can I go watch the war, then?
17:11You may.
17:14I mean, it'll be...
17:16It's going to be staring at me, isn't it? That's the thing.
17:18Mm-hm. I know what you mean.
17:20It's so annoying.
17:22Yeah, it is. OK.
17:24OK.
17:25Is it rocket salad?
17:37That's what I was looking for.
17:39It stinks.
17:41Well done.
17:45I've told the clock.
17:47You've got rocket in your pocket.
17:49I enjoyed that.
17:51Well done, me.
17:55Wow!
17:57Well done.
17:59Very nice.
18:01Two grown adults,
18:03genuinely thrilled that they've put salad in their pockets.
18:06Oh, come on, you should try it sometime, it's good.
18:08Maybe you and I could hang out sometime.
18:10I'd like that.
18:14Rosie.
18:16That well done, me, was genuine, wasn't it?
18:18Yeah.
18:26The wizard has a point.
18:28Just, um...
18:30What was the wording of the task?
18:32It was put a rocket and then a silent salad in your pocket.
18:35Right.
18:37It's not a rocket or a bunch of rocket, is it?
18:39A rocket.
18:41Do you want me to take Rosie's point off her?
18:44Yeah.
18:46Just look at Rosie. Look at Rosie when you say it.
18:49Yeah, I do.
18:52Does the word A mean nothing these days?
18:55You are a prick today.
18:59That's perfectly fine.
19:01I'm not... I'm not some pricks, I'm a prick.
19:07APPLAUSE
19:13Baba, do you think I should disqualify the salad?
19:16What's the timing of this?
19:19You haven't yet said that.
19:21All right, let's get to that first.
19:23Well, I can tell you,
19:25Rosie put rocket in her pocket in two minutes 40.
19:28Yeah, let's take away the point.
19:33Jack pocketed rocket in one minute 59.
19:37APPLAUSE
19:39No, no, no, no, no, no.
19:42Yeah, everything he said, I'm going to back it.
19:47I've got news for you. I am going to allow rocket.
19:50And I want you to know this,
19:52I may not have allowed rocket if it wasn't for this wizard.
19:59Rocket stunts.
20:01In that case, it's one point to Emma, two to Andy,
20:03three to Baba, four to Rosie,
20:05and three in the clip you're watching.
20:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:10Is it scoreboard time?
20:12It is. Baba, with your speedy rocket,
20:14you are in joint first place with Jack D on eight points.
20:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:23Please, we have another task.
20:25Oh, yes. Now for some physical art.
20:29HORN BLOWS
20:35HORN BLOWS
20:39Yo! What's going on?
20:41Hello, Baba. Man like.
20:43You're on dry land. Dry land, yeah.
20:46Yeah, you've been at sea.
20:48That's a caravan, bro. It's a sub-marathon.
20:53Oh.
20:56Do I? You do.
20:59HORN BLOWS
21:13Most creative recreation...recreation wins.
21:17Do I look like I go to art exhibitions?
21:20I'll go to the art exhibition, my guy.
21:22You have 20 minutes.
21:24Your time starts...now.
21:27Right.
21:29Famous 2D piece of art in 3D.
21:32You understand it? Of course I understand it.
21:34What's the matter with you? What do you think, I'm sick?
21:36You kept saying recreation. It's like saying recreation
21:38instead of re-creation, but, you know,
21:40they are the same spelling, aren't they?
21:46Right, I'm just excited to see these.
21:483D art. OK.
21:50Would you like to see a montage of them arting hard?
21:52I want to see a hard art montage.
21:55Here you are.
21:57Oh, my God.
22:01Noisy. It's really noisy.
22:04I hate bloody flowers.
22:06I don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers.
22:11It needs to go far corner.
22:13Far back as it goes, I think.
22:18Right.
22:21Are you all right?
22:23Yeah, I'm all right.
22:25Shall I sit here?
22:29Oh, I see.
22:31OK.
22:40Soup?
22:51Does this look like a human mother?
22:55I need to get my thug pose on.
22:57I'm going to look like a thug.
22:59No gang affiliation over here, bruv.
23:01Apart from the church.
23:03I go church, I gangbang for Jesus, you get me?
23:05OK.
23:07I wonder if he's celebrating a goal, but really upset.
23:10Oh, upset? Yeah.
23:14Did you do that? Yeah.
23:16Wow. Yep, did that.
23:19I'm slipping in.
23:21Oh!
23:23That feels gross!
23:28Oh, my God.
23:33Who of us in this room isn't blown away
23:36by how much Jack D looks like Van Gogh?
23:41It's literally like the man came back to life.
23:44Oh, my God.
23:46Baba, did you have some sort of traumatic instance
23:48in your life with flowers?
23:50You're the only person I've ever met who hates flowers.
23:52I quote,
23:54I don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers.
23:57You know what it is?
23:59I'm traumatised by how much my wife requests flowers.
24:01Cos when I'm walking on the street, people will be like,
24:03oh, he's in the doghouse.
24:05It's like, I ain't in no damn doghouse, you know what I'm saying?
24:07How often do you buy your wife flowers?
24:09Oh! Uh-oh.
24:12Not including the ones you take off lampposts.
24:20Emma.
24:22I'm already quite impressed, cos I already know what your painting is.
24:25Really? It's Klimt, right? Yeah.
24:27Mm-hm. Well, look, I'm going to show you
24:29Emma's 3D version of the well-known painting.
24:31Let's see it in all its glory. Here we go.
24:42Oh, that's good.
24:45Well done.
24:47That is quite a good one.
24:49That's really good.
24:51I mean, it's so rarely on this show
24:53that I just have to say, oh, that's good.
24:56Yeah, it was good.
24:58The original sparked a sexual revolution.
25:00Do you think hers will?
25:02Er...
25:04I can't feel anything.
25:06It's really good, Emma.
25:08OK, well, shall we see another? Yes.
25:10Well, as you might have worked out,
25:12Andy's Altman took on The Almighty Guernica by Pablo Picasso.
25:15Wow.
25:17First of all, we're going to look at the original.
25:19Now, Picasso obviously made the incredibly moving
25:22and powerful anti-war painting to help raise awareness
25:24and raise money during the Spanish Civil War.
25:26It's harrowing.
25:27And here's Andy's Altman's 3D recreation.
25:30LAUGHTER
25:37APPLAUSE
25:45I mean, we have to reward ambition.
25:48It's incredibly ambitious.
25:50I mean, I just feel, amongst the many things
25:53this show doesn't address, the pity of war is right up there.
25:58Cow's the wrong way round.
26:04Sorry, Emma, have you...
26:06You've spotted an inaccuracy in this painting.
26:10Well done, wizard.
26:11OK, well, next up with his 3D nod to self-portrait with bandaged ear.
26:15Right, well, we already know this looks exactly like it.
26:17Cos we've got his face in the room.
26:19Yeah, it's Vincent Djangoff. Here we go.
26:22LAUGHTER
26:28Yes.
26:31APPLAUSE
26:38Who would have thought that anyone could look more haunted
26:43than Vincent Van Gogh?
26:47Van Gogh looks like it's his birthday, by comparison.
26:52Another one. Really good.
26:54This is the worst episode of Taskmaster ever.
26:57OK, time for another break
26:59and probably some more adverts for Holidays In The Sun.
27:02Costa Living Crisis?
27:04Yeah, more like Costa Del Sol Living La Vida Loca Crisis.
27:08Let's whack in another credit card.
27:10Wayne Lineker, call me.
27:12YOLO!
27:14APPLAUSE
27:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:24Hello again.
27:26Here we are, it's part three
27:28and some classic artworks have been brought to life
27:31in a three-dimensional way.
27:33Cor, yeah, I love 3D.
27:35But I also like Harry Styles' solo stuff.
27:38Next up is the artist currently known as Rosie Jones.
27:42Rosie!
27:45Andy Warhol.
27:48Sam...
27:50Campbell Soups.
28:04It's Sam Campbell Soup.
28:06Yeah, I get it.
28:10It's really good, yeah, it's good.
28:12Everyone liked it.
28:13Did you like it?
28:15Not that much.
28:17One left, Greg. Yes.
28:19One left, and this man doesn't go to art galleries,
28:22he hates flowers.
28:23It's Bubba's turn.
28:25BUZZER
28:27Oh!
28:30Oh!
28:32It is good.
28:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:44Oh, sorry, sorry about that.
28:46You like that, Greg?
28:50Well, yes, of course I do.
28:52Yes, you do. You see the angle?
28:54You know what I'm saying? This is what I'm trying to say.
28:56I keep telling people I'm amazing.
29:01Well, look, Greg, here are all five of the excellent 3D pics.
29:05Well, I'm going to have to give everyone really high scores, aren't I?
29:08And then we'll just have to hope they fuck up the next task.
29:11So I'll give everyone five points.
29:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:17OK.
29:19What's next, please, Mr Alex Hall?
29:21OK, well, Greg, we're off to the pub.
29:23Ooh!
29:36In you go.
29:38Oh, hello!
29:41Lovely!
29:43Oh, we have company.
29:45Where's Alex?
29:47Who cares?
29:49Oh, lovely.
29:51Do you want... Yes, please.
29:53Oh, thank you so much. Would you like to...?
29:55Yeah, sure.
29:59Win the pub quiz by cheating.
30:01The team that wins by cheating in at least five different ways wins.
30:06If the quiz master notices you cheating, you will lose a point
30:10and you must use a different method of cheating.
30:14This quiz will start in five minutes.
30:16Your time starts now.
30:18OK, so we need ways of cheating.
30:20Mobile phone.
30:25Here he is.
30:27Hi, guys, are you doing a pub quiz tonight?
30:29Great.
30:31I'll come and get your team names soon.
30:38Yeah, quiz starts in three minutes.
30:41There's your answer sheet. You all right?
30:43OK, there's your answer sheet for the first two rounds.
30:46OK, enjoy. Anyone need anything?
30:48Good luck, enjoy.
30:50Yes.
30:59How do you intend to use that without being noticed?
31:02That's the next challenge.
31:05Oh, come on, you.
31:08Yeah, it might do.
31:10Oh, what's that? One of you look up...
31:12It's a little book of... That's Sue Perkins' number.
31:15Do you have your phone? Save that now.
31:17872.
31:19Quiz starts in 45 seconds, guys.
31:21Cheers, mate. OK.
31:23Team names, please.
31:25We have Team Honesty.
31:27Team Honesty, that's funny.
31:29And have you got a team name?
31:31Cheetahs, but, like, they're animals.
31:33Cheetahs.
31:35T-H-E-E-T-A-H-Z.
31:39Cheetahs.
31:41OK, right, let's go and get my microphone, then we'll be off.
31:44I've got something a little bit provocative to say.
31:47Are you both married?
31:49Mm-hm.
31:51I'm also married. Mm-hm.
31:53I was thinking, like, maybe just kiss and cheat.
31:55Right. A handshake?
31:57I don't know if it's that kind of cheating.
31:59LAUGHTER
32:05Try and remember what's in there.
32:07OK. I remember.
32:10Um, what's in your right hand?
32:12Nothing.
32:14You need to form the floor there.
32:16I will put the books in my area.
32:18Can I have the Guide To The Beavers, please?
32:20And also AirPods out.
32:22You're so strict. Yes.
32:24Sorry about that, bro.
32:26Excuse me. Thank you.
32:28Pretty much back to square one.
32:30Hello? Is everyone here?
32:32APPLAUSE
32:37Are you pub Christmas before we start?
32:39No. I think it's a waste of pub time.
32:42Every Monday.
32:44Thank you, Emma. Do you really, Emma?
32:46Yeah, genuinely.
32:48Kee, what's your team called?
32:50Um, No Arguments.
32:52Because we have a problem with arguing,
32:55so one day we realised, oh, if we called No Arguments,
32:58maybe we'll stop. Oh.
33:00So now we just argue on the way home.
33:02It's me and my husband.
33:06All right, then. You want to see the quiz?
33:08I want to see the quiz. OK. Pens down, heads up or something.
33:11It's time to quiz.
33:13Welcome to the ship.
33:15Welcome to the pub quiz.
33:17OK, question one. What is the largest species of rodent?
33:21What is the largest species of rodent?
33:23Not that. It's not a mouse.
33:26In what year was Mary, Queen of Scots, executed by her cousin?
33:31Elizabeth I, of course.
33:33In what year... I'm just going to faint choking.
33:36I got cramp.
33:38Oh!
33:40Oh, just move around the room a bit. Oh, my God!
33:45Oh, man.
33:47It's quite early in the quiz to get cramp.
33:49Right. This just needs to be...
33:52Yeah, yeah.
33:54Wait.
33:56Oh!
33:58There's a hat there, though.
34:05I'm feeling better now.
34:09We do need to carry on with the quiz.
34:11Question three. What is the boiling point of mercury?
34:16Do you think it's that?
34:18Mercury. How are you getting on?
34:20What do the following states have in common?
34:22Oh!
34:24Oh!
34:26Come down, come down and help.
34:28Come down and help me.
34:30That's not really how it works. You don't come down and help.
34:32What's wrong?
34:34I feel so sick.
34:36OK. I feel really nauseous.
34:38Do you want a blanket? Yeah.
34:40I was going to get her a blanket. OK, yeah, please.
34:45OK. Phones away, please.
34:47No.
34:51I see what you're doing there.
34:53Round two.
34:55Sport!
34:57If I potted a red, then a black,
34:59then a red, then a black,
35:01then a red, then a pink,
35:03then a red, then a yellow,
35:05then a red, then a black, then a red, then a brown,
35:07then a red, then a green and all the colours,
35:09what would my break be worth?
35:11I'll be honest with you, I think this is when we do a quick romantic cheat.
35:14Right.
35:16So can I just give you a quick...
35:18There we go. Let's never speak of it again.
35:26What is Sue Perkins' favourite sport?
35:28Oh! What is Sue...
35:30I need a sick bucket now!
35:32A big bucket. Yeah.
35:34I'll call Sue Perkins.
35:36Hi, it's Sue here.
35:38Sorry I can't take your call.
35:40Come on, Sue!
35:42What? Hockey? Hockey.
35:44I can't remember.
35:52Hello, everyone. OK.
35:54Yeah?
35:56Have you all swapped sheets?
35:58No, sorry, we've just got them all mixed up.
36:00Quick as you can, please.
36:04As long as you don't have your own.
36:06As long as we don't have our own sheets.
36:08Good try, though.
36:10The biggest rodent was, of course...
36:12356 points.
36:14That would be a break of 70 points.
36:16Sue Perkins' favourite sport was, and still is...
36:18football.
36:20It's hockey.
36:22It's not, it's football.
36:24Sorry, I have to be very passionate about this.
36:26Yeah.
36:28Sue Perkins is my best friend.
36:30It's hockey.
36:32Give her a call in the break.
36:34I'm sorry, I don't want to be weird about this.
36:36Give her a call now.
36:38Put it on the speaker, let's hear it.
36:40Sorry, I can't take your call,
36:42but I'm at the Underwater Hockey.
36:44Which is a shame,
36:46cos I actually really love football.
36:48LAUGHTER
36:52The Underwater Football.
36:54Have you just put up the scores?
36:56The Sporty Fuji Flag guys...
36:58Yep.
37:00..zero in round one.
37:02Right.
37:04And then three in round two.
37:06Three, really?
37:08I didn't quite get there.
37:10And round two...
37:12Well, we got three.
37:14We thought we had got more.
37:16Well, rugby ball's right, isn't it?
37:18Yeah, that is misspelling.
37:20Well, they've misspelt the word misspelling.
37:22Well done, guys.
37:24All right, round three will start in one minute.
37:26APPLAUSE
37:32I mean, some of the most ludicrous overacting.
37:35I mean, Jones went down within seconds.
37:38And then, Emma, I presume a trained actress,
37:41when you had your multiple physical collapses.
37:44I never trained, darling, I never trained.
37:46Oh, it doesn't show.
37:49Do you know what I mean?
37:50Mama was the only one, wasn't he, who wasn't overacting?
37:53Yes. But there's more to come, right?
37:55They're only halfway through, they're both pretty much neck and neck.
37:57I've caught them a few times, but there is a second half to come.
37:59That's the end of part three.
38:01Come back for part four and see someone take home some soulful prizes.
38:05It'll be like watching your kid in a school play,
38:07except shorter and fun,
38:09and you won't have to stave off boredom
38:11by imagining having an affair with a teacher.
38:14Just me!
38:26Hello!
38:27Welcome back to the final part of the show,
38:30where a pub quiz is taking place in the ship.
38:32On with the second half of the quiz,
38:34where the two teams have to win by cheating at least five times
38:37without being caught by old Eagle Eyes Horne,
38:39the handsome quiz master.
38:41Here's how they get on.
38:44Round three, picture round.
38:45Question one, what is Alex Horne holding?
38:48Phones away, please.
38:50What country's flag has a green triangle on the left?
38:57Please sit down.
38:58Don't be a bore, bro. Come on, man.
39:00Question three, please sit down.
39:02Alex, I've got a delivery.
39:04A delivery?
39:05Just checking if the guy's at the front door.
39:07This is a pub.
39:08Right.
39:09Yeah!
39:10Yeah!
39:11Yeah, you're right.
39:16Yeah, I don't even know I saw that.
39:18Oh!
39:24There's no-one there.
39:26What animal features on Albania's flag?
39:29Right, we'll be back in two minutes with the answers.
39:33All right.
39:47Yo, yo, yo!
39:51BUZZER
39:56OK.
40:02Hello, everyone.
40:03Hiya.
40:05OK.
40:06The answers.
40:07Please swap papers.
40:08Round three, the picture round.
40:10OK, what was I holding?
40:11What was redacted there?
40:15How did you know that?
40:18It's just the expression.
40:20Oh, it was a colander?
40:21Yeah.
40:22I had a little quiz, I think.
40:24Mm.
40:25Thanks for coming, everyone.
40:26That is closing time now, so, um...
40:28Yay!
40:29Please get out.
40:30Thank you. Bye-bye.
40:31Bye-bye.
40:32Cheers, guys.
40:38First of all, I will tell you the scores in the quiz.
40:41Andy, Emma and Baba got 22 out of 30.
40:43Jack and Rosie got 23 out of 30.
40:45Oh, God!
40:46But we subtract points for the amount of times I caught them cheating.
40:49I caught the team of three six times.
40:51I caught the team of two nine times,
40:54which means the team of three win the quiz.
40:56Wow!
40:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:03It was close, so I don't know how you want to distribute points.
41:05Five and four?
41:06There we go, so four for the team of two, five for the team of three.
41:09APPLAUSE
41:14Can we get the scores out?
41:15Yes, we can have a first look at the series scores, if you want, Greg.
41:18Ooh, yes, please.
41:19Well, it's sort of going like this.
41:21We've got Andy on 37, Baba on 40, Emma on 42,
41:25then we jump to Rosie on 46, Jack's on 53 at the moment.
41:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:32OK, it's that time again.
41:34Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!
41:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:46What is going on?
41:49We found their doppelgangers!
41:55It's uncanny!
41:58Who's going to read the task, Alex?
41:59I'd like Jack D to read the task, please, Greg.
42:01Oh, Jack, would you read it?
42:02Yeah, OK.
42:05Russell, Russell, Phil, Phil, Mark, Mark, Rob, Rob and Pat, Pat.
42:10When Alex blows his whistle,
42:11you must all immediately either say one word to the person next to you
42:15or perform one action.
42:18The people may only say yes or no.
42:20If you perform the wrong action, you are disqualified.
42:23You will then meet a new person.
42:25First person to perform all the right actions
42:28to all the right people wins.
42:30Yes, so you're sitting next to somebody who's either called Mark,
42:33Pat, Russell, Rob or Phil.
42:35So, if you think they're called Mark, you put a mark on their clipboard.
42:38If you think they're called Pat, you pat them on the head.
42:40If you think they're called Russell, you Russell them.
42:42You know what I mean?
42:44If you think they're called Rob, you steal one of their pencils.
42:46If you think they're called Phil, you put your stuffing down their top.
42:50If you find out that you're sat next to, for example, Mark,
42:53you have to wait till the next time you meet Mark to mark Mark.
42:57If you correctly Phil, Phil or Mark, Mark or Rob, Rob or Russell, Russell,
43:00you'll get a little sticker on your arm.
43:02The first person to get all five of them wins five points.
43:05No-one gets any other points.
43:07If you do the action wrong, you're out of the game.
43:10OK, once we get going, it's less complicated.
43:13Let's go.
43:15Rob. No.
43:17Phil. No.
43:18Russell. No.
43:19Mark. No.
43:20Pat. No.
43:22Move!
43:23We're off.
43:25Phil. No.
43:26Rob. Yes.
43:27Move!
43:29If you think you've got it right, you have to remember till next time.
43:31Mark. Yes.
43:33Pat. Yes.
43:35Not yet! Sit down!
43:37Please sit down.
43:39Move!
43:41Now move!
43:44It's not very often you'll see Alex genuinely annoyed, ladies and gentlemen.
43:48So, here we go.
43:50Wait, wait, what are their names again?
43:53It's worth trying to remember them.
43:55It's Mark, Pat,
43:57Russell, Rob and Phil.
43:59Rob. Yes.
44:01Move!
44:02Phil. Good.
44:05Rob.
44:07No.
44:08There has been a successful action.
44:10Move!
44:13Yes.
44:19We have a disqualification.
44:21Baba has got this person wrong.
44:23You must stand behind your chair. He is disqualified.
44:25Oh, Baba. At this rate, I don't care.
44:27Right.
44:29Move!
44:31Oh, shit!
44:36That's definitely not his name.
44:39OK, we've got some more action. This is good.
44:42Move!
44:47We have more actions. Move, please, move.
44:52We have action over there.
44:54We have a sticker. Please move.
45:00We have a disqualification. Jack D is gone.
45:02Jack's gone.
45:04Only three left in the game.
45:06Right, you're going to kill me.
45:12Russell.
45:14Mark. Phil.
45:16Yes!
45:20Let's go. Just so you know, thank you, Emma.
45:23Emma has one sticker. The Wizard has one sticker.
45:26Rosie has two stickers.
45:28He's got two.
45:30I know. She's playing you, Emma.
45:32She knows exactly what she's doing.
45:35Here we go.
45:37Move, move, move.
45:40Some action going on.
45:43The Wizard has another sticker.
45:45And move.
45:47We have more action here.
45:49The Wizard has three stickers.
45:55Four stickers.
45:59We could be approaching the end game.
46:04We have five stickers!
46:10We will add those scores to the final score.
46:12Come down and join me.
46:20What a rush.
46:23All right, well, as you saw,
46:25there was only five points to one person there
46:27and that person was Mr Andy Zaltzman.
46:29The Wizard has his revenge.
46:32That means the final table today looks like this.
46:36He's only gone and done it.
46:38The winner, with 21 points, is Andy Zaltzman!
46:43Andy Zaltzman wins.
46:46Please go up and celebrate with your soulful prizes!