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00:00:00for a long time i wasn't sure i'd ever be back dishonoring logan's memory is not dead sure it
00:00:07made for oh yahtzee incredibly passed away good to see you i gotta be honest i've got damn it
00:00:30i'm warning you i'm not alone i'm out
00:00:35i'm not gonna give you my weapons maximum effort
00:00:38so
00:00:55it's perfect fyi your tail no camel toe new car smell and adamant and yes your underwear is
00:01:02getting tighter i'm more of a one week on one week off kind of guy you will not be returning
00:01:06to your home because there will be you've just won the lottery because i didn't die
00:01:13can you imagine if you were the anchor being logan don't be what they made you
00:01:24of course the guy with forks for hands living it'll be over just like this oh what's that
00:01:31uh you join the sacred timeline
00:01:41whoever really won i know
00:01:46i'll do it
00:01:49find him find him
00:01:52oh
00:01:56and the only thing worth a shit to ever come out again
00:02:01my sword give me that find me another logan and a lie
00:02:10logan who's asking you did comic accurate short king montage baby
00:02:17oh boy oh you have anchor being written all over
00:02:26it's right there howdy need some coconut oil
00:02:32are you okay brown and tan now you fought the hulk in this outfit i marveled jesus you
00:02:36dull creature and i want not you we're just going in a different direction
00:02:44i hear from behind you legends are true and may i say sir all the fate of my universe is
00:02:50this one looks promising down you go now get the fuck out of my bar just give me one more drink nope
00:02:56but i know you look lady i'm not interested our world needs you see here we go
00:03:04over 40 you don't want this you're right i don't let's go peanut
00:03:07oh okay here we this logan has the same he can do anything even me i don't understand
00:03:18you said my universe is think you can replace an anchor be he's the stuff of legend but not
00:03:23in a good way okay dishonoring not only his remains but his memory that hairy
00:03:29thundercunt from down under look at the mcu by the way you're joining to get him on the phone
00:03:34and you tell him her orders and i'm gonna tell him all about you
00:03:46give me a hand up
00:03:54are you ready to be calm now
00:04:04uh
00:04:24i can fix it fix what
00:04:28but they also have the power to change fix your world
00:04:32together ready to die you look ridiculous people have weaponized to shoot the double
00:04:39take him down because he's dead shut the fuck up oh my god
00:04:48i have the wolverine you come for her who's next toad
00:05:02oh you must be this year's juggernaut thank you
00:05:10is it the charles
00:05:15a wolverine you know him you know chuck oh i knew him loved roommates mine's blind you want
00:05:21to chime in your majesty i'm dying i have a good feeling about this haven't i johnny
00:05:28johnny told us all about you maybe shut up you said all that about me no no but this guy
00:05:35next level i i don't
00:05:39not my favorite chris p.s do you know what he was doing to the budget
00:05:44there's been some kind of mistake there's another british villain he's gonna destroy
00:05:49did i hit him up either you help us or my friend here is gonna sing me
00:05:53where'd you get the chair i want us to know
00:06:00i don't want this but i don't want to good what do you want wade wilson
00:06:07i've got
00:06:10here i'm right here you care about something bigger than you
00:06:16baby you never got back up what
00:06:23never said that
00:06:30this is baby knife she's gonna
00:06:36but the big guy needs to eat and the rent is
00:06:54oh go get your mind new rules i talk now you gotta get back to paradox right
00:07:02is you an excuse am i allowed to speak now just we find the others that poor kid johnny
00:07:06was talking about before you i smell food mine's red
00:07:14no no no that's rubbing alcohol you don't want to drink oh yep good oh
00:07:18okay civilian life i wear a toupee but nobody knows everybody knows
00:07:25you know shit i wanted to be an avenger but oh boy i just the vx man you
00:07:35he ain't shit in mind you said logan was a hero what happened really he just ran out
00:07:39of batteries trying to save someone i know you're hurting my blind al you call her blind al well
00:07:45she's blind yes she is oh yes who are you oh i'm deadpool so nice it costs nothing to be kind
00:08:03where's your mask you better hope that you don't run into the deadpool core
00:08:07clicks due west i can lend you my ride if you like
00:08:09oh no just get in the car this isn't a car he invented the honda odyssey to compete i have to
00:08:17give me my dog back though i don't want to give her up or if she needs a new home or if some
00:08:22look whatever happened to me lots of stuff no we're running away
00:08:27hello
00:08:37what's with the suit first thing i did when i flew and talk about something else fine
00:08:44stop it they can fix your world they can all be fixings do you know i mean because i need you
00:08:51then my entire world is right here in this picture but you
00:08:55you know how to save them you will never save the world i could say you die alone but it's one again
00:09:21oh
00:09:45bring them out bring them out bring them out
00:09:52it's not a wanna end up inside that what gammon's trying to make it stuff
00:09:55up with this yeah tilt up to blade that's the punishers 84
00:10:00man
00:10:20this is gonna be good guys walk away from this you just make sure people know what happened
00:10:30uh
00:10:39oh
00:10:56just need to get home well that's not on the menu
00:11:09yeah
00:11:17what's going on in here
00:11:23interesting
00:11:26so much pain they called after me and i walked away
00:11:39oh i've got you i got you
00:11:47you're gonna send us home and i'm gonna twist your you can't send you home unless you get this
00:11:51thing either you kill me or i kill you i'll do it i have her neck right here it's really no
00:12:02i will kill you first thing oh why are you would not let me stand here and watch you die
00:12:08oh don't
00:12:14well then at least let us save his i killed him of course i found this little trim strange
00:12:24this is your way home and you have about four seconds before your alliance
00:12:28to raise you
00:12:35is
00:12:53you looking at the moon
00:12:55oh you as i said we've got a standard three-year bumper to bumper he gets half the
00:13:05holy let's go
00:13:11wakey-wakey
00:13:16why are you still crying i'm dead
00:13:21paradox we have a problem paradox
00:13:24oh i literally have no idea no she doesn't wash that hand
00:13:30now shoo mommy and daddy are having a conversation
00:13:35i've called some friends to make sure we're not disturbed
00:13:40stop let's give it a beat
00:13:44oh
00:13:54yes sorry about that tremble not sweet papa's here hey do not insult this animal the proposal
00:14:09deadpool's over there
00:14:24cause of death 100 kill thirsty deadpool's deadpool prime here
00:14:28our fight just getting started no no no no no with the whole it's just been miss
00:14:34uzi time baby uzi time baby
00:14:39i think i'm hit no shit look a donut cart
00:14:46we all have problems listen to me
00:14:54hold your fire
00:15:01god damn it but he died a hero he died for murder are these two gold plates
00:15:17for special occasions killing mostly
00:15:24so
00:15:39so
00:15:54oh come on
00:16:02come on we don't have time for this
00:16:07this deadpool's with me oh no you guys know god damn legend in every deadpool's
00:16:23oh now you're here oh well you're too late it's all over let's have the stakes if she
00:16:33steals the time represent we shut it down i don't know like batman except he can move his neck okay
00:16:39look around it is powered by twin matter and redirecting the river's power to eliminate
00:16:44all least power would destroy the machine actually you know we survive anything we're
00:16:47like cockroaches like the second you will die
00:16:58hold off we're dead permanently
00:17:04i lied right to your face
00:17:09say hi to your friends from me
00:17:11oh
00:17:22hey you don't need to i'm doing it because they do
00:17:41oh
00:17:47so
00:18:05wait first time in my life i'm proud
00:18:16oh
00:18:25you wouldn't know anything about an unsanctioned time because i was assured
00:18:29that she was safely held
00:18:38everything's meant to be oh you're doing just fine you piece of shit
00:18:44you're greasy tits away you preening slut let's get this deadpool variant back to the void
00:18:50and you are peterpool i was just doing what you don't have the guts to do
00:18:56i'm grateful what's my friend here that uh that the tva could
00:18:59there's nothing to fix mr walls trauma i get eaten
00:19:04yeah you know the avengers discovered trauma
00:19:11oh man my little conch skin so what are you gonna do next
00:19:22logan al come back we have company althea nice to meet you logan nice to meet you too
00:19:31everyone wants to matter turns out you need to open your eyes and look around
00:19:37and some new ones too talk to the girl
00:19:43did it for you
00:19:48look around this table if you want proof they save us right back
00:20:01so
00:20:22well guess what we'll be to understand why i took a cat nap on cool monsters people nobody would
00:20:28love the shiny suit really brings out the sir well i'm not translates to
00:20:43although these will kill you
00:20:49oh
00:20:57it's in america do that
00:21:01too exotic
00:21:20oh this guy sergey volishnikov we'll get this high as fuck right now
00:21:27that guy's on fire
00:21:32ah so gross go it's my anniversary i hear people say i just don't have enough
00:21:38confidence in a moment fucking car oh i shit my pants actually that can't stay in a panic
00:21:44room forever oh you're living the dream than me at least domestically we beat them up pockets
00:21:49what's your poison little i was going to say soul i want to fish ordinary we all need a sense
00:21:54of belong to him with great violence he kind of killed handsome face and said or not picture that
00:22:02but a deadly merc business what was your concave what that means me neither by kristin dunst
00:22:11kristin kirsten there's a bunch of head no you got me i was around diarrhea
00:22:19we can't be sure kiss me like you mess me around too happy anniversary date yep well that's
00:22:28that's just familiar to you look at me
00:22:34but here's the thing isn't that how it always uh what about uh earl
00:22:44bruce
00:23:05so
00:23:28do you want to build a snowman from frozen sound suspicious
00:23:32you've been sitting here for dog a kitty litter and then farted his way out of the
00:23:36lip the notion is worse and more importantly we still have bowie mr.
00:23:42is he pissing i don't quite understand how they are all similar because i could
00:23:48denial is just one of the fives
00:23:51oh yeah if i have one right here like a move
00:23:58all your life i'm thinking i thought you saw me with your
00:24:04i fucking did this you need to just keep living
00:24:09see times are so bad we feel like we're dying wait i'm right here althea
00:24:15oh
00:24:19captain delicious pants
00:24:28there's gotta
00:24:31Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on, what, what, what?
00:24:44Oh, God.
00:24:49There'll be no need for that here, day in such a place.
00:24:58We can fix that.
00:25:03Heart's in the right ear, Adam Brody.
00:25:05Now, close your eyes.
00:25:07With training, you can be X-Men.
00:25:09Yukio Wade.
00:25:10What?
00:25:11I'm just surprised anyone would date you, especially Irate.
00:25:14Now, some ground rules were Wade.
00:25:17Don't try to chase me or anyway sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings.
00:25:21I said no touching.
00:25:22Pants.
00:25:23Okay, they can't just dust off wa-muffin crumb.
00:25:27No, no, no, no, no.
00:25:31You are.
00:25:32I thought you were gonna kiss me for a second there.
00:25:50Get the job done.
00:25:51All right, rub it around on your beard a little bit and then go on, get on with your-
00:25:55Make me feel disgusting.
00:25:56I'm starting to feel-
00:25:57Do it.
00:25:58They're for babies.
00:25:59They can do you good.
00:26:00This question, is that the answer?
00:26:03Yes!
00:26:04Yes!
00:26:05Yes!
00:26:06Yes!
00:26:07Yes!
00:26:08Yes!
00:26:09Yes!
00:26:10Not.
00:26:11Working.
00:26:12Out.
00:26:13At.
00:26:14Color-coded, efficient, environmentally friendly.
00:26:15The suggestion box.
00:26:16That's on-
00:26:17I'm gonna stop you right there.
00:26:18Let her go.
00:26:19It's okay.
00:26:20She has a right to be skeptical, but I like to think that-
00:26:21And for the first time-
00:26:23As close as you thought.
00:26:24I'm proud.
00:26:25It's fine.
00:26:26You can't help.
00:26:27It takes work.
00:26:28This is up to feel.
00:26:29You must-
00:26:30Suck my mutant dick.
00:26:31Come in.
00:26:32Hey.
00:26:33I want you to join.
00:26:34Be at the X Jet in five.
00:26:35I can do 30.
00:26:36Live here at a break-in.
00:26:37I'm not a-
00:26:38I'm not a-
00:26:39I'm not a-
00:26:40I'm not a-
00:26:41I'm not a-
00:26:42I'm not a-
00:26:43I'm not a-
00:26:44I'm not a-
00:26:45I'm not a-
00:26:46I'm not a-
00:26:47I'm not a-
00:26:48I'm not a-
00:26:49I'm not a-
00:26:50I'm not a-
00:26:51I'm not a-
00:26:52I'm not a-
00:26:53I'm not a-
00:26:54Live here at a breaking news situation at the S-
00:26:56Burn you!
00:26:57You stay back!
00:27:01...arriving with-
00:27:02Scatter!
00:27:03What are you doing?
00:27:04What are you doing?
00:27:05This is the fifth incident.
00:27:07This kid needs to be in the icebox.
00:27:08...control vibe here, Marty.
00:27:10It is adorable.
00:27:11I don't know why I packed a hop.
00:27:14Stay back or-
00:27:18You stole that from Robocop.
00:27:19That's from Robocop.
00:27:22Your head, now!
00:27:23Wait!
00:27:25I get it.
00:27:27A wise woman once said to me-
00:27:31Man.
00:27:32Trini.
00:27:33Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
00:27:34Oh, that is so-
00:27:38Dober, we gotcha.
00:27:42That was absolute-
00:27:43Anywhere's better than here.
00:27:44Believe me, son, you-
00:27:49Ooh.
00:27:53That's all it takes.
00:27:56But now-
00:27:59Wait, what did you do?
00:28:01It was abuse.
00:28:02You can tell, you can always tell.
00:28:11I wonder what gang I'll be in.
00:28:15I've made a-
00:28:16I love the decor, though.
00:28:19Please, after you.
00:28:20You prick.
00:28:24No.
00:28:28Not to worry, we're old friends.
00:28:30Never.
00:28:31The industry described-
00:28:33My whole life.
00:28:35I've gotta start taking care of myself.
00:28:37Aw.
00:28:38That's like my favorite part of the-
00:28:40Sick piece of shit.
00:28:44It's in the basement.
00:28:46Right next to a-
00:28:47If you'll excuse me.
00:28:49Oh, good.
00:28:50I stashed it in the old prison wallet, if you know what I-
00:28:54Dehabilitation.
00:28:55Two mutants were arrested.
00:29:06Why are you winking at me?
00:29:07Oh my god.
00:29:08You're sick, I gotta protect you.
00:29:10What are you talking about?
00:29:11Oh.
00:29:13Cultural appropriation.
00:29:17It's slippery, too.
00:29:18This table-
00:29:20I had so much fun, you were like-
00:29:21And I was like-
00:29:22Why'd you say that back there?
00:29:24We're friends.
00:29:26There's only one person
00:29:27who would try to shank the biggest guys in here.
00:29:30Maybe even Black Tim.
00:29:44System malfunctioning.
00:29:46Self-destruct.
00:29:49Surgery.
00:30:03Yes!
00:30:04Oh, wait!
00:30:07Hello, Russell.
00:30:20Shit.
00:30:29Donde esta la biblioteca?
00:30:34Who are you?
00:30:38Yo.
00:30:39That's got some zip.
00:30:42Dick tries to kill a 14-year-old boy.
00:30:44Cable.
00:30:45I'm from the future.
00:30:46What?
00:30:47Is dubstep still a thing?
00:30:50Whoa!
00:30:51Whoa!
00:30:57From the DC universe!
00:31:04And he never...
00:31:06saw it.
00:31:15In every film,
00:31:16there's a human centipede.
00:31:18It was when those people-
00:31:26Please!
00:31:35That's exact-
00:31:36Yeah, but what does that mean?
00:31:37It means-
00:31:38What I mean is, like, the word.
00:31:39Selfless.
00:31:40I literally-
00:31:41Miles away.
00:31:42Great.
00:31:43I'll pick him off along the way.
00:31:44Need to do?
00:31:45We need to build
00:31:46Rogue One, Rogue Two,
00:31:47John Wick 3.
00:31:50I'm glad you heard it.
00:31:51I heard it.
00:32:15Must be hard.
00:32:18Maybe I need a secret code.
00:32:22At least she can rap, too.
00:32:25Including the one inside your brain.
00:32:29I'm a zeitgeist.
00:32:30Oh.
00:32:31Do you want me to demonstrate?
00:32:32No, we'll take-
00:32:36He's not here, is he?
00:32:37Where are you from?
00:32:38The planet mojo world.
00:32:39I'm gonna find a planet of people
00:32:40that are worse than me at every-
00:32:41Meet
00:32:42Domino.
00:32:43What's your schtick?
00:32:44If you're so lucky,
00:32:45then what are you doing here with us?
00:32:47And last but not least-
00:32:48I don't have one.
00:32:49I don't have one.
00:32:50Um, I just saw-
00:33:00Do it.
00:33:02Okay.
00:33:03Concept of it
00:33:04beyond their own worst experience.
00:33:05Maybe the con needs you more.
00:33:08Number one,
00:33:09I'm gonna bend something.
00:33:10I cried when
00:33:11they canceled the list.
00:33:12I'll tell you anything,
00:33:13anything you wanna know.
00:33:14I wouldn't fuck with him.
00:33:15We all know the plan.
00:33:16Intercept the con.
00:33:17The team
00:33:18is unstoppable.
00:33:19Yes.
00:33:20And Cable, I warn you.
00:33:27As a former X-Man,
00:33:30X-Force.
00:33:35I can't wait to kill.
00:33:36You look amazing, too.
00:33:37This is the family that I-
00:33:38Did he just call himself God?
00:33:39I think he did.
00:33:41You're in the shit now, mustache!
00:33:46Go!
00:33:47Go!
00:33:54Go!
00:34:00Holy m-
00:34:01That's right, Madlon.
00:34:03Okay.
00:34:04You got this.
00:34:10That's the stuff!
00:34:11That's the X-Force spirit,
00:34:12superhero you!
00:34:13X-Force!
00:34:15This is not good, man.
00:34:17Oh, God.
00:34:18I gotta throw up in my bathroom.
00:34:19Bad news.
00:34:20Bad news is
00:34:21I sure could make it.
00:34:23Nope.
00:34:27Whatever.
00:34:28We're gonna lose them.
00:34:34Probably a guy who can't draw feet!
00:34:39New plan!
00:34:40Use all of your a-
00:34:46I can't see him.
00:34:47He's on top of you!
00:34:48Yourself, right?
00:34:49Accidental double entendre!
00:35:09Hang in there, Dom!
00:35:17Ha ha ha ha ha!
00:35:18That son of a bitch!
00:35:23There's a first time for everything, son!
00:35:27Whoa, super fast!
00:35:29Here we go!
00:35:34Cool!
00:35:41Whoa!
00:35:42Insane love!
00:35:44Written in crayon.
00:35:46Looks like Russ.
00:35:47That guy's in the mood.
00:36:01I should've wore my white pants!
00:36:03It's been a dream of mine
00:36:04to see my face reflected in your helmet.
00:36:09I have a mission.
00:36:11Yeah.
00:36:12Russell, I couldn't protect you.
00:36:14What's Juggernaut got that I-
00:36:16What is that?
00:36:17That's- what is- that's not a real-
00:36:20I think we may have found-
00:36:24No child is hopeless.
00:36:25His family really is an F word.
00:36:29Why not?
00:36:31Wait!
00:36:32A warrior has nothing to be ashamed of.
00:36:34How would you describe it?
00:36:35I wouldn't ask him to do that if I were you.
00:36:36Well, it's like-
00:36:37Oh, no, no, DP, not again!
00:36:39Wow.
00:36:40Cool your pits.
00:36:41You wanna buy our pair of pants?
00:36:43But all I told him was everything he wanted-
00:36:46To get some legs under me.
00:36:47What will you do?
00:36:48Blood out of his body and fashion his bones into holiday-
00:36:53Is this apartment listed on Tinder?
00:36:55Grindr?
00:36:56Opposition has a wonderful Guy Pearce performance!
00:36:57Wait, wait, wait-
00:36:58Here we are.
00:37:00Like ten-year-old Kirsten Dunst.
00:37:03My people.
00:37:04Two times.
00:37:07Exactly how to do it.
00:37:10But that isn't Russell.
00:37:13Back.
00:37:14And stop the people that are asking you to save hundreds of other kids.
00:37:19He's doing it.
00:37:20Look at the-
00:37:22Christ.
00:37:23Deal.
00:37:24Deal.
00:37:25I really want it to match, you know?
00:37:28It's just the first five steps to a-
00:37:30I will bathe in the blood of your enemies.
00:37:33Why don't you just say it in an Indian accent?
00:37:35The old white guy on this one.
00:37:37What exactly do you do in the future anyway, huh?
00:37:39Some kind of-
00:37:40Spoiler alert.
00:37:42Place.
00:37:43Russell's not gonna kill anyone.
00:37:49I wanna take him back!
00:37:51You know the one.
00:37:52But even-
00:37:53You're still using my Velcro labels.
00:37:55Anything for him because the whole world wrote him off as a piece of shit.
00:37:57I said you say hi, so I'm saying hi back.
00:37:59He's hard as a rock and causes nothing but problems.
00:38:02A fugitive, but worst of all-
00:38:04And not particularly convenient.
00:38:06You're doing great.
00:38:09So even, Steven.
00:38:10Someone's coming.
00:38:11They will not replace us.
00:38:18Time to make the chip.
00:38:19Look.
00:38:20Not Razor's twerp.
00:38:21What's with the dirty, disgusting hobo music?
00:38:30Welcome home.
00:38:32Cab driver, right up your ass.
00:38:36It works best when you-
00:38:38Say it!
00:38:41I up the old guy.
00:38:43I believe him!
00:38:50Come here, beautiful.
00:39:02I love you.
00:39:05I'm not giving up on you, and you are not giving up on me.
00:39:08Go get him, tiger!
00:39:17I'm gonna shove it up your ass.
00:39:19Freaks!
00:39:20A bunch of armed pedophiles in nursing shoes.
00:39:22I'm just gonna use this brick.
00:39:23Back to the left.
00:39:28There's another bucket over here!
00:39:30Buy my hat!
00:39:44I need a bus to get you.
00:39:46Please.
00:39:52You killed anyone yet?
00:39:53One more you need to see.
00:39:58I'm gonna melt you.
00:40:09That's how we do it in Mother Russia.
00:40:11Amazing.
00:40:13I'm getting-
00:40:15Stop me!
00:40:18Stay back!
00:40:19Go home, Wick!
00:40:20Badly.
00:40:21Makes you want to hurt others.
00:40:22Inside you.
00:40:24That came out.
00:40:25There are people.
00:40:29I should have left you in that prison.
00:40:32Anybody!
00:40:35I got one more idea.
00:40:37Blitz it out of the wagon.
00:40:38Then it's gotta-
00:40:42When I'm stuck with a-
00:40:47So you gotta hang on to-
00:40:51Tell me they got that in slow motion.
00:40:55No.
00:40:56For me.
00:40:58Yeah.
00:40:59You're a good kid, Russell.
00:41:04Stop! Stop!
00:41:05Stop.
00:41:06I guess my heart was finally in the right place.
00:41:09Don't be. I've been trying to make this happen for-
00:41:12Up again?
00:41:19Sorry.
00:41:21I'm the lucky one.
00:41:23I liked you better with your hair short.
00:41:25Crombone.
00:41:27Just once. Come on.
00:41:28We'll do it together.
00:41:29It's no big deal.
00:41:30And you, Gable.
00:41:32Promise me one thing.
00:41:34Hey.
00:41:36You're-
00:41:37But hey.
00:41:39There's one out there for you.
00:41:43The husk.
00:41:45And I have a few final words.
00:42:07You're half-weird.
00:42:13Hello?
00:42:16You sacrificed yourself for me.
00:42:18It would seem.
00:42:20You time-
00:42:21You can't go back.
00:42:23The world doesn't shit itself into oblivion.
00:42:26Alright, let's flip a coin, okay?
00:42:27Heads didn't-
00:42:28Forget it! It's no use.
00:42:29These collars don't just-
00:42:31We need a code!
00:42:34Put that back.
00:42:35Come on.
00:42:36Pelvis to pelvis.
00:42:37Knife in your dick, yeah.
00:42:38Let's put that back now.
00:42:39Idiot.
00:42:42Better than him!
00:42:43No more senseless violence!
00:42:48Cut his motherfuckers!
00:42:49We'll get the kids back to the mansion.
00:42:51Besides-
00:42:52I'm not ready to date again.
00:42:53Let alone two women.
00:42:54Peter Cromb.
00:42:55One pinch of courage.
00:42:56You need to Google
00:42:57What the fuck is dubstep.
00:43:04Or I'll take it to the genius bar.
00:43:06Bye, Ray.
00:43:08Are you-
00:43:09I hope you sharpen the cream cheese spread.
00:43:13Dinner!
00:43:18The striker finally figured out how to shut you up.
00:43:20Hey! It's me!
00:43:22Don't scratch!
00:43:23Huh?
00:43:24One day, your old pal-
00:43:25Oh.
00:43:26Right.
00:43:29You're w-
00:43:33Hi.
00:43:34This is-
00:43:35Christ.
00:43:36This is so much harder than I thought.
00:43:39It's okay.
00:43:40Let me see here.
00:43:41Oh.
00:43:42Which would make sense, wouldn't it?
00:43:43Yeah.
00:43:44Loves killing kids.
00:43:58I'll find a lonesome back-
00:44:00Nice.
00:44:01She would have made me a very agreeable wife, Bandhu.
00:44:05He is a-
00:44:06My slender brown friend.
00:44:07Love.
00:44:08World tastes like
00:44:09Mama June after hot-
00:44:11Yeah, that's better.
00:44:13Boo!
00:44:21That won't do.
00:44:23But if we show your patience-
00:44:31Ah, sh-
00:44:32Nine, ten, eleven, twelve bullets.
00:44:34Okay.
00:44:35Merry Christmas.
00:44:41Maybe if it was to kill you, it would be-
00:44:43No, right?
00:44:44Whose balls did-
00:44:45He's got a nice pair of smooth-
00:44:48Bad guys to kill.
00:44:50Simum effort.
00:44:58Jesus!
00:44:59Have you seen this man?
00:45:02Yankee Yankee!
00:45:03Yankee Yankee!
00:45:10I've never said this, but don't-
00:45:18Shit.
00:45:22Now, breaking news.
00:45:23Gridlock has kept police from the scene.
00:45:25Appears to be armed, dangerous, and wear-
00:45:27Wait up.
00:45:29They act like a child.
00:45:31I have benefits of becoming X-Men.
00:45:33Which benefits?
00:45:34Eat breakfast, yes?
00:45:36Breakfast Deadpool may try to break yours.
00:45:50Fine! I'll-
00:45:51I'll-
00:46:00Mother-
00:46:01Bad Deadpool.
00:46:15Stupid!
00:46:16Worth it.
00:46:22Ding.
00:46:25Francis!
00:46:27Francis!
00:46:28Francis.
00:46:31Really?
00:46:32Rolling up the sleeves?
00:46:35You're probably thinking,
00:46:37my boyfriend said this.
00:46:38I am no hero.
00:46:40Stories start with a murder.
00:46:42And that's exactly-
00:46:437348 Red Ledge Drive.
00:46:45I did.
00:46:47I told Howie, I told him, I told him about that.
00:46:49Before you do anything to him,
00:46:50do you mind if I get a-
00:46:53Okay, wow, dodge the big-time-
00:46:54Dazzling.
00:46:55They're jeans, not a chandelier.
00:46:57I don't really know what that means.
00:46:58I don't have a-
00:47:00Anywho.
00:47:01Do you happen to know a Megan Orflowski?
00:47:04Cause she knows you.
00:47:06Threats hurt, Jer.
00:47:08You should've seen your face!
00:47:09Look in her general direction again,
00:47:11and you will learn in the-
00:47:16Frickin' wait!
00:47:18And that's why we do it.
00:47:20But mostly the-
00:47:21Nope.
00:47:22Never will be.
00:47:23Welcome to Sister Margaret's.
00:47:25Out the teeth and take the cash.
00:47:27You-
00:47:28I'd love a blowjob.
00:47:29Oh god, Megan Orlowski?
00:47:30Yeah, her.
00:47:31You sure?
00:47:32I was way worse than him when I was his age.
00:47:33I was traveling-
00:47:34So what was Special Forces doing in Jacksonville?
00:47:36That's-
00:47:37Alright, Kalua, Bailey's aunt.
00:47:38Remind me what good will come of this.
00:47:43That's a new stool.
00:47:45Stay the fuck down!
00:47:47He's still breathing!
00:47:49Nice try, Wade.
00:47:50You got me.
00:47:51102.
00:47:52And then died.
00:47:53Like the-
00:47:54Soldiers of Fortune drinks on me!
00:47:56Did she just put a gift card in your mouth?
00:48:01Voltron, Defender of the Universe ring.
00:48:02And you can erase stuff.
00:48:04Five mini-Lionbots come together to form one-
00:48:07You're clowning.
00:48:09React to news of late-stage cancer different-
00:48:13Thing we can do.
00:48:15Time to process this.
00:48:28Out as rookie sensation Wade W-
00:48:31Oh!
00:48:32Even in the business!
00:48:34Whole new-
00:48:36Good, Francis.
00:48:37Well-rested.
00:48:38Like you've been p-
00:48:39How about now?
00:48:40You should thank me.
00:48:41How about now?
00:48:42Let's get into music in the late 90s.
00:48:45I think we can all agree that shit-
00:48:47Wham!
00:48:48Make a-
00:48:49Just smile and wave you out the door?
00:48:51If I had a nickel for every time I spanked-
00:48:53We both know that cancer is-
00:48:55Up to that show.
00:48:57I will find you in the next life, and I'm gonna boombox Carol.
00:49:00No one is boomboxing shit.
00:49:07Louise?
00:49:08You look like you need a whore.
00:49:09You look like you need a whore.
00:49:11How about-
00:49:12Trit-
00:49:13I'm sure they're all FDA approved.
00:49:15Look how happy you look here.
00:49:16Real Grim Reaper type.
00:49:19Booth?
00:49:21How can I help you?
00:49:22Besides, it's my job.
00:49:24Recruitment.
00:49:25Go.
00:49:26But you're a fighter.
00:49:27I represent an organization that may-
00:49:29Look.
00:49:31Agent Smith, you know.
00:49:32Yeah.
00:49:40Cancer isn't what it does to you.
00:49:43Isn't that what superheroes-
00:49:48Okay.
00:49:49Let's-
00:49:50Ow.
00:49:51Pro.
00:49:52You know I can hear you.
00:49:53Wasn't time-
00:49:54You've been warned before, Deadpool.
00:49:56You will both be coming with us.
00:49:59Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
00:50:01Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
00:50:03Long, sullen silences, followed by mean comment.
00:50:06Go on.
00:50:07Please, come quietly.
00:50:09You big-
00:50:10Dick Tips has it coming.
00:50:11He's pure-
00:50:14Ours for good.
00:50:15Heads up.
00:50:16Plan mansion of some creepy, old-
00:50:18I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request.
00:50:24Oh!
00:50:25That's not good.
00:50:26Wait.
00:50:28Oh, the dynamite.
00:50:32Please, stay down.
00:50:33Enough.
00:50:34In the-
00:50:36McAvoy or Stewart.
00:50:40You ever see one of-
00:50:44Oh, there's the-
00:50:48Rock.
00:50:49Meat.
00:50:50You can generally trace it back to one big-
00:50:52Oh.
00:50:53This was mine.
00:50:54My heart more than a change of someone else's.
00:50:59Place seems sanitary.
00:51:00Sanitary?
00:51:03You should really come up with-
00:51:04Oh!
00:51:05Easy.
00:51:06Angel.
00:51:08All in good time.
00:51:10Mr. Wilson.
00:51:11Oh, my welcome speech used to be full of euphemisms.
00:51:13I've grown blunt.
00:51:15The human powers are acquired painlessly.
00:51:17That activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA.
00:51:23I was a patient here once.
00:51:24My son made Angel inhumanly strong.
00:51:28I hate you.
00:51:29You have something in your teeth.
00:51:30I joke away.
00:51:32One thing that never-
00:51:33You're gonna leave me all alone here with less angry-
00:51:37Is to keep on dancing.
00:51:41I've got a bucket list.
00:51:43I'd really like to-
00:51:44Get tandem bass jumping with the-
00:51:46W.M.F.
00:51:47Baxter Burnie attached to it.
00:51:48No.
00:51:49No pancakes.
00:51:54We're just joking.
00:51:55No, no.
00:51:56You're giving up on us now, aren't you?
00:51:57Yeah.
00:51:58How tough can he be?
00:52:02F.
00:52:05Oh, I wouldn't do that if I-
00:52:08Is that what you think?
00:52:10If this doesn't unlock your mutation, then what?
00:52:12Concentration in the air to the exact point you feel to catch your breath.
00:52:17I thought you guys were dicks before.
00:52:20Hip-deep in hookers.
00:52:22What the fuck is wrong with you?
00:52:27Enjoy your week.
00:52:38Sorry.
00:52:39No.
00:52:40It's a-
00:52:44Fucking hell.
00:52:45You raised your stress levels high enough to-
00:52:47Trigger him.
00:52:48Yeah, I've seen similar side effects before.
00:52:50Gonna shut you in again, wait.
00:52:56Quick question.
00:52:59Sorry, friend.
00:53:26No!
00:53:42What's my name?
00:53:43What's my name?
00:53:54I got the cure to L everything that really mattered.
00:54:13Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad.
00:54:15She loves you.
00:54:16She doesn't care what you look-
00:54:17You look like an avocado.
00:54:19Headsec-
00:54:20The guy who can fix this fugly-
00:54:21Because as of now, you only have one course of-
00:54:23App of Utah.
00:54:26I don't want to see that or think of it again.
00:54:28Or scare devil.
00:54:30Mr. Never-
00:54:31I put all my money on you and now-
00:54:35Just-
00:54:36Deadpool, yeah.
00:54:43Where's Francis?
00:54:48Where's Francis?
00:54:50Salsa water and lemon.
00:54:59You made me ask twice.
00:55:00Is the mask-
00:55:08You're-
00:55:09You're about to be killed!
00:55:11Spider monkey!
00:55:13Francis!
00:55:14A four-minute wander-
00:55:15Five minutes!
00:55:16Six-
00:55:24Fully loaded.
00:55:3041G.
00:55:31Alive.
00:55:32Ha! Only on the outside.
00:55:33You exactly-
00:55:34What?
00:55:36Went to-
00:55:40Hop in!
00:55:41And we all know how this turned out.
00:55:43Oh, wow.
00:55:49I'm just-
00:55:51Like the kind where your year-long plan ends with-
00:55:53She's like Robin to my Batman, except she's old.
00:55:55Wait.
00:55:56I'm pretty sure Robin loves Batman.
00:56:01Morning, sleuthy head.
00:56:02You know, lady.
00:56:04Oh, so-
00:56:05Everything in this duplex.
00:56:09Back teen shit.
00:56:10Telling me.
00:56:11I don't mind the Cunin.
00:56:12I'd have taken an MNES or a three-syllable-
00:56:17Looking for roommate blind to life's imperfections.
00:56:19Must be someone else.
00:56:20So, yeah.
00:56:21Today was about-
00:56:27I suppose I'd wear a mask, too, if I had a face like that.
00:56:29Any heels?
00:56:31They can't.
00:56:33I like a challenge.
00:56:37You can stick that where you stuck the back teen.
00:56:40But I appreciate the-
00:56:41The size of a KFC spork.
00:56:43And tell her how you feel.
00:56:44What do I keep telling you, Mrs.
00:56:46So you're just gonna lie there and-
00:56:48In the meantime, you might want to leave the room.
00:56:51Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
00:56:53He says, how long do I have?
00:56:54The doctor says five.
00:57:03This must be Vanessa.
00:57:04I've heard so much of her.
00:57:06Um, sweetheart, you might want to look around.
00:57:09He's the angel.
00:57:11Sure?
00:57:12You don't want any clothes?
00:57:16Oh, I can't believe I'm doing this.
00:57:18Uh, maybe not start with that.
00:57:20Fast.
00:57:21Poor numbnuts does it.
00:57:22How do you know-
00:57:25Every time I see her, it's like the first time.
00:57:33Come on.
00:57:39The weird, curvy edges.
00:57:42You have Wade Wilson to thank for this.
00:57:46To the back.
00:57:47Go get her, tiger.
00:57:54Wait, wait, wait.
00:57:56Just-
00:57:57Move!
00:57:58Relax, relax.
00:57:59Move!
00:58:00Okay.
00:58:01You to come to him.
00:58:02What is that?
00:58:03I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long.
00:58:09Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Millsap.
00:58:12I'm just-
00:58:13I told you, we're going with the-
00:58:17Wade.
00:58:18If I never see you again.
00:58:24Put that down there a bit.
00:58:28You're a talker, too.
00:58:29You am, Wade.
00:58:34Like there's something wrong with eating before sundowners.
00:58:36Wade?
00:58:37Is that you?
00:58:39I'm gonna wait out here, okay?
00:58:40It's a big house.
00:58:42And that-
00:58:43Who brought this twinkly man?
00:58:45Twinkly?
00:58:46There.
00:58:47He's agreed to do me this solid.
00:58:49So, any luck winning-
00:58:52That was-
00:58:55Bung-
00:58:56Who?
00:58:57My roman-
00:58:58To gut him like a tandoori fish, then dump his-
00:58:59Absolutely not.
00:59:00You got lost in trans-
00:59:01The old-fashioned way with your boyish charm.
00:59:07Okay, guys, let's get out there and make a difference.
00:59:09Deadpool boy!
00:59:12It's your sanity.
00:59:13Grabs your future baby mama.
00:59:19Where's your duffel bag?
00:59:25Dammit!
00:59:26I'm gonna do this the old-fashioned way.
00:59:31Wade Wilson!
00:59:33Woo!
00:59:34Please split.
00:59:39I mean-
00:59:42Alright, then.
00:59:43Fire!
00:59:46Language, please.
00:59:47Suck a cock!
00:59:53Hey, child.
00:59:55Look away!
00:59:57Work for that shit-spackled muppet fart.
01:00:00Possibly.
01:00:01Possibly.
01:00:03Even lover-
01:00:27I haven't seen you since-
01:00:28Jacksonville.
01:00:29DGI Friday.
01:00:31How are the kids?
01:00:32Yoo-hoo!
01:00:49Should've worn his brown pants.
01:00:52Wade?
01:00:53Don't worry, baby.
01:00:54Don't worry.
01:00:56Every last nerve.
01:00:57Cause I'ma go look at-
01:01:02Shit!
01:01:13Fine.
01:01:32I said-
01:01:42Wade!
01:01:43I gotcha!
01:01:52Maximum!
01:02:02Yoo-hoo!
01:02:13What?
01:02:19What's my name?
01:02:20Four or five moments.
01:02:21That's all it takes.
01:02:22Everyone thinks it's a full-time job.
01:02:27Transparent psychopath.
01:02:29Well, you better figure-
01:02:31Start talking!
01:02:33I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner.
01:02:35Every night we spoon for warmth and everybody fucks.
01:02:43In case the other-
01:02:44Are you sure?
01:02:53Dude, go be a really big brother to-
01:02:55We will make an X-Man of you yet.
01:02:58This is your friendly neighborhood pool guy singing.