Overused na ba ang salitang toxic? Paano malalaman kung ganito nga ang pamilya o relationships mo? Alamin ang mga payo at masasabi ng mga eksperto tungkol sa mga toxic family kasama si Dr. Violeta Bautista at ang ating host na si Doc Anna.
Category
🗞
NewsTranscript
00:00Hello Kapuso, I am Dr. Anna Tuazon and your story of a psychologist is in my share only.
00:13For many Filipinos, family is the source of inspiration and strength.
00:18But what if your family is toxic?
00:22That is what we will talk about with Clinical Psychologist,
00:26Renowned Family Therapist, and my mentor, Dr. Violeta Bautista.
00:32Hello Doc Bo, welcome to my share only.
00:35Hi Doc Anna, it's so good to see you in your own elements.
00:41Thanks Doc Bo. Let's go straight to the topic of toxic families because we will really talk about that today.
00:50Are there really toxic families Doc Bo?
00:54Yes of course, to a certain extent because the word toxic comes from the word toxin.
01:00The toxin are the substances that enter our body that can weaken our resistance,
01:10damage our health both physically and emotionally.
01:16Now in our life, there can be incidents,
01:21there can be people who can put our health, body, mind and soul in danger.
01:37To a certain extent, it can be said that there is a toxic family.
01:41But of course, let's be clear, toxic families is not a scientific term.
01:46It is a metaphor that we use to express our experiences.
01:58So yes, just to be clear, this is not a clinical or diagnostic term.
02:05Toxic means families that are not doing well.
02:10We should say that families will make us stronger, better.
02:15We should have more confidence, right?
02:18We shouldn't go around the world because our family is a good base of comfort.
02:24But sometimes, that's why it's called toxic.
02:28Instead of making our lives easier, sometimes it makes our problems bigger.
02:36Doc Bo, do you have any common conflicts or misunderstandings in your experience
02:44taking care of families and helping them out?
02:47What is the most common conflict or disagreement among Filipino families?
02:54Maybe one is lack of or excessive love.
03:00Usually, there is a complaint that you don't love me like others.
03:07So, love is not equal.
03:10Second, there can also be an issue of excessive control.
03:16The issue of control can be so excessive that you can't breathe in your family.
03:24There is a control that you don't notice that is being done to you.
03:30This is gaslighting.
03:32Our kids already know that, right?
03:36Do you control people's minds in a way that you make them believe that you are right and they are wrong?
03:45There is also a problem with lack of control.
03:49There are families that get confused because they don't have a leader.
03:55I see this sometimes in other OFW families.
03:59Both mother and father are abroad.
04:02Then, the family doesn't have a leader.
04:08So, each to his own.
04:10That's hard, right?
04:11There is also the issue of boundary.
04:14So, there is a conflict in the family when there is no respect for the boundary.
04:22Right?
04:23Your cell phone, your email, your letters, you can just read them.
04:30But if you have a sibling or a parent who is intrusive,
04:34who doesn't respect your privacy, that's a violation of the boundary.
04:40Right?
04:41Another issue with the boundary, I remember, is the extended family.
04:46We use the word, knowing.
04:50Once you know, that will be the root of the conflict.
04:56So, there is also the issue of violence.
05:00But violence is not only from the parent to the child.
05:06The child can also be violent to the parent.
05:10There is also a vicious cycle.
05:11Of course, the vicious cycle also enters the problem of the family.
05:15That's hard.
05:16Another problem is betrayal and cheating.
05:20For example, betrayal would be infidelity, affairs.
05:24But you don't need to.
05:26That's the only source of betrayal.
05:28If the person you think should love you,
05:34is the one who is against you,
05:37and is doing everything to shield you from criticism,
05:46that's also a sense of betrayal.
05:48Right?
05:50Yes.
05:51Of course, conflicts in values and beliefs are also a source of problems.
06:00We have beliefs, things that are important to us.
06:05But there are times when our beliefs are different.
06:12Conflicts arise.
06:14Lately, I think, I forgot this, but it often becomes a problem.
06:20High expectations in life.
06:23Right?
06:25I often see students who have depression,
06:29who become very frustrated,
06:32because they feel that their parents' expectations are too high.
06:36Right?
06:37What can also affect them is that they become perfectionists,
06:41or they really fight, become rebellious,
06:45because they feel that their expectations are too high.
06:51Oh my, Doc Bo, there are so many things that can be a source of misunderstanding.
06:58And in a way, maybe we need to clarify,
07:01because all families, even healthy and loving families,
07:05of course, there are also conflicts and misunderstandings.
07:09In order for your family to be healthy, there should be no problems.
07:15So maybe what's crucial there, right, Doc Bo,
07:18is how we solve our problems.
07:21Because maybe their expectations in your list,
07:24oh my, all of that, maybe the Filipinos can relate too much to what you listed, Doc.
07:29Right?
07:30You just say, oh my, is my family toxic?
07:32Because we have conflicts here and there.
07:36But for me, right?
07:38What differentiates a toxic family versus a healthy family is,
07:43are they addressing it?
07:45Are they solving it together?
07:47The communication that you mentioned, Doc Bo, is very important.
07:51So we said, we asked our loved ones,
07:55what are the most frequent conflicts?
07:57This is what Rodeth Tenorio said.
07:59What she said was interesting.
08:01She said that when she was young,
08:03the only conflict was who would do the laundry,
08:06who would wash the dishes.
08:08Actually, that's common, right?
08:10Division of household chores.
08:12The responsibility.
08:13But what she said was, when she was older,
08:16the only conflict was who was a better child,
08:19who was more helpful,
08:21who was more helpful to the parents,
08:23who was right, who was wrong.
08:26So, in a way, when we grow up,
08:30it becomes deeper.
08:32Also, what we were saying earlier,
08:35love, especially from the family,
08:37should be limitless, even though there are boundaries.
08:40But how, Doc Bo?
08:42In reality, there are so many conditions
08:46that families have for each other.
08:48You need to be kind.
08:49You need to listen.
08:51You need to not get tired.
08:52You don't complain.
08:54How do we navigate that?
08:57Unconditional love, right, Doc Bo?
09:01But there are so many conditions.
09:03So, what makes our listener happy,
09:08according to her reflection,
09:11it's true that issues change.
09:16But if you think about it,
09:18maybe those issues
09:21didn't just come out when you were an adult.
09:28But when you were a child,
09:31it was already expressed
09:33in the context of your experience as a child.
09:38For example,
09:41the division of labor,
09:44and the struggle for achievements
09:51because you're already an adult.
09:54Maybe those two have a relationship.
09:57You remember when you were a child,
09:59you always had more work.
10:04The things you wore were always hand-me-downs.
10:09The one who's always with you,
10:11the one who's always with you,
10:13and the one who's always with you.
10:17So, when you grow up,
10:18you don't have to talk about clothes,
10:22and allowances,
10:24and the division of labor.
10:28You can talk about
10:31why you have so many achievements,
10:37but it's still not enough.
10:40It's the same root.
10:43It's just that the land you're earning is decreasing.
10:49It can be like that.
10:52That's why the issue of toxic families.
10:57Toxicity is not toxic or not toxic.
11:01Right, Doc Ana?
11:03This is a continuum.
11:08It can be a little toxic.
11:10That's why we joke when we say,
11:12I'm leaving, my father is toxic now.
11:16It doesn't mean he's a bad man.
11:18It's a joke that we have a little discomfort with each other.
11:23It's a joke.
11:24There are people who say,
11:27my experience is toxic now.
11:29It's not something that's painful.
11:38It's dangerous.
11:39But it's part of being a normal family.
11:42When there's a misunderstanding,
11:44you have to fix it.
11:46But there are really toxic ones
11:49where your health,
11:54your well-being is at risk.
11:56That's why it's good that it's clear to us.
11:59Toxicity also has a range.
12:05Some are normal,
12:07some are not.
12:13Right.
12:16We have toxic situations in families.
12:22For example,
12:23one of our guests, Erick Santos,
12:26said,
12:39Our term is enabling.
12:42Yes.
12:43That's why it's toxic.
12:45Instead of being a good person,
12:47your direction will be right.
12:49In life,
12:50maybe because you said earlier,
12:54not all toxic people fight.
12:56Sometimes,
12:57the ones who don't talk to each other are more toxic.
13:01You don't talk to your family members directly.
13:07What about those situations?
13:11That's also hard.
13:14That's why they say,
13:16there's a thin line between love and violence.
13:20If you love someone too much,
13:23you don't know that you're hurting
13:27and damaging the person you love.
13:31How?
13:32If you don't see the lack and mistake of people,
13:37you still support them.
13:39That often happens in situations where you're the only child.
13:45Do you want to live your child's life?
13:51That's why it's obvious that your child is hurting.
13:57Or your spouse.
13:58You can also be enabling to your spouse,
14:00not just to your child.
14:02But you still support them.
14:06You defend them.
14:08Right?
14:09So instead of being able to explain your love for life,
14:16the problem just gets deeper.
14:19That's the root of what we call a narcissistic personality.
14:27It's all about me.
14:28I'm always right.
14:30And all of you need to serve me.
14:35You know what's sad about this,
14:37I usually see parents who love their children too much.
14:43They try so hard to the point that the child becomes entitled.
14:48They expect their child to love them too.
14:52But,
14:53or their spouse.
14:56Unfortunately,
14:57I see a pattern that's the opposite.
15:01They see their beloved spouse or child as a helper.
15:11Or maybe just an ATM.
15:14You lose your true love.
15:19Yes.
15:20As a family,
15:22and particularly for parents,
15:24we have a lot of responsibilities and tasks as parents.
15:29Yes.
15:30Sometimes, I say this as a joke,
15:33until you love them,
15:37you don't raise them.
15:38You just love them.
15:40Because they're kind, right?
15:43They're loving,
15:44but they're not given structure.
15:47They're not taught
15:50how to move properly
15:54without hurting other people.
15:57Now, let's move on, Doc Bo.
15:59As I said earlier,
16:01toxic families are not just concerned with the problem,
16:04that's why they become toxic.
16:05They become toxic because of how they solve their problems.
16:11So, we asked our listeners,
16:13how do they solve their problems?
16:15How do they deal with it?
16:17What's the solution?
16:18One thing that's interesting,
16:20Farmer Neil Sayat said,
16:22Let the wrong person come first,
16:25and talk to them.
16:26If they're not coming,
16:27let them go first,
16:29so that the misunderstanding can be avoided.
16:34What do you think of his suggestion?
16:38The wrong person should come first.
16:41Not always.
16:42Right?
16:43Of course, if there's a pattern.
16:46The good thing is,
16:47whoever is in the position of
16:50open-mindedness,
16:52and calm,
16:54with a good perspective,
16:57it's good to start a process of fixing it.
17:02We're not always equal,
17:05in the state of well-being.
17:07There are times when I go through something,
17:10and there are times when I'm more wholesome.
17:15If I'm in a time of wholesomeness,
17:18I'll be the first to approach,
17:21and facilitate the process.
17:24But, if across the years,
17:28across the generation,
17:30there's a pattern,
17:32that he's always right,
17:33and you approach me,
17:35it's not helping.
17:37Right?
17:38Yes.
17:39So, if I'm not going to approach,
17:43and facilitate the process,
17:45it's not because I don't love you.
17:47But, I also want to learn from you.
17:50Right?
17:51There are many ways to love.
17:56Right?
17:57There are also situations,
17:59that are called,
18:00tough love.
18:04So, a lot of people suggest,
18:05like what Korot said,
18:07that if you're in a deep relationship,
18:09you should distance yourself.
18:11You should distance yourself.
18:12He said,
18:13but if it's too deep,
18:15just forget about it,
18:17and you're done.
18:19Because, even in the grave,
18:20there's no more caring.
18:22This is the situation,
18:23where you can say,
18:24it's better if it's not bloody.
18:27Is there ever a situation,
18:28that actually,
18:29you know what,
18:30that's enough.
18:31No more.
18:32Let's cut off.
18:34So, the situations,
18:37where there's an annulment,
18:40annullity of marriage,
18:42separation,
18:45distancing yourself emotionally,
18:48and physically.
18:51That's because,
18:52you went through a process,
18:55that you tried to fix.
18:59Right?
19:00And hopefully,
19:01we'll include in the process,
19:03asking for help,
19:05not only from family and friends,
19:08but also from mental health professionals,
19:10because that's their job.
19:12Right?
19:13But if we did everything,
19:16but the problem is still there,
19:19and the problem is,
19:21putting you in danger,
19:24not only physically,
19:26but emotional and psychological.
19:31That's accepted by the law,
19:34that's why there's an annulment.
19:36Right?
19:37We also accept that,
19:40if there's a danger to your sanity.
19:43Right?
19:45Come on,
19:47and heal.
19:49And pray for your loved ones.
19:52Right?
19:53So, it's not necessarily,
19:56there's an exception,
19:58that yes,
19:59we value the family,
20:02but they are our priority.
20:04And,
20:05if it's already in danger,
20:07our integrity,
20:09sense of self,
20:11is already damaged.
20:13Right?
20:14It's okay,
20:15we protected ourselves.
20:17The hardest part,
20:18is the threat to sanity.
20:21Because,
20:23it's not easy to see,
20:25and it's not easy to understand,
20:28the danger that a person is going through.
20:33Sometimes,
20:34we don't have the vocabulary,
20:38to describe,
20:43the hardship that we're going through.
20:47And sometimes,
20:49we can't understand,
20:52we can't get our mind,
20:54to really grasp it.
20:56We just know that it's painful.
20:58And,
20:59it takes some time for us to realize,
21:01Oh my God!
21:02I'm dying in this relationship.
21:05I'm dying in this family.
21:10And sometimes,
21:11we need to wake up to that reality.
21:14And it's hard.
21:15Because,
21:17our thoughts are usually,
21:20my family,
21:22my refuge.
21:25It's as,
21:26like I said,
21:27it's a spiritual problem.
21:29For me,
21:30spirituality is changing,
21:32the way you see and value life.
21:36Right?
21:37For example,
21:38my parents are supposed to take care of me,
21:42to protect me.
21:44But I'm being abused.
21:46So,
21:47the situation of the world is reversed.
21:49Right?
21:50So now,
21:51the perpetrator of your suffering,
21:53is your parents.
21:54So,
21:55it's a spiritual existential issue.
21:57It's hard.
21:58Before you accept that reality,
22:01you need to go through the process of,
22:03Is there something wrong with me?
22:06Maybe I'm like this,
22:07that's why I'm treated like this.
22:09It's a very difficult time.
22:12And you need help,
22:14in situations like this,
22:15of toxicity,
22:17to understand just what is happening.
22:20And to allow yourself,
22:23to find self-compassion.
22:27And freedom.
22:29I feel like, Doc Bo,
22:31we have a theme that's coming out.
22:33Right?
22:35The theme for me is,
22:37there's a limit.
22:39Everything has a limit.
22:41Right?
22:42We can love completely,
22:45and respect the limits of each other.
22:48In fact,
22:49that's true love.
22:51Right?
22:52Not because,
22:54I love completely,
22:56everything,
22:57even if you take away from me.
22:59Even if you take away my sanity.
23:01You can say,
23:02it's okay.
23:03No.
23:04If we really love each other,
23:06as a family,
23:08we respect the limits,
23:11to be whole,
23:12to be active.
23:13Right?
23:14Right?
23:15To be happy,
23:16each other.
23:18So, actually,
23:19what I heard there,
23:21Oh my gosh,
23:22toxic families,
23:23versus toxic families,
23:24have healthy boundaries.
23:26Right?
23:27And healthy boundaries,
23:29allow us to really love,
23:31unhindered,
23:32in a way.
23:33Right?
23:34Like, okay,
23:35no more issues,
23:36I'll just focus on loving,
23:38and respecting you.
23:39Right?
23:40Because,
23:41I'm not afraid,
23:42that someone will overstep my boundaries,
23:44that someone will hurt me.
23:45I already know,
23:46that I'm safe,
23:47with my family.
23:50Yes.
23:51I agree with you there,
23:53Doc Anna.
23:54Right?
23:55Because love,
23:56is not blind.
23:58Love,
24:00is,
24:01based on truth,
24:04based on reality,
24:07and has a foundation.
24:09Right?
24:10That's the true love.
24:13There's a balance,
24:16for the goodness,
24:18the beauty,
24:19the beauty,
24:20of being human,
24:21and living,
24:22is something that can happen.
24:25And not the ugly,
24:27and the sick,
24:28and the poor.
24:30Sometimes,
24:31we don't immediately see it,
24:32but we have hope.
24:34Hope.
24:35That if I continue,
24:37to move towards this direction,
24:39Ah!
24:41Life will bounce,
24:43not just for me,
24:45but for my loved ones.
24:49It's a hope.
24:50Thank you so much.
24:51And so,
24:52to those people,
24:53who have problems with their families,
24:55One,
24:56you can solve it.
24:57You just need to say,
24:58there's an openness.
25:00Let's open up,
25:01to the idea,
25:02that we will have a solution,
25:04that is win-win.
25:05That's what I learned from you,
25:06Doc Bo, today.
25:07That solutions are win-win,
25:10not winner-loser.
25:11Right?
25:12Like, I'm right,
25:13he's wrong.
25:14There.
25:15Thank you so much,
25:17for sharing with us here,
25:19at Shareko Lang.
25:21Thank you, Anna.
25:23It was very satisfying,
25:28to talk to you,
25:30and also hear insights,
25:32beautiful insights from you.
25:34If you want to talk about something,
25:37just leave a comment below,
25:39or email us at
25:40sharekolang at gmainews.tv
25:43We're also streaming on
25:45Spotify,
25:46Apple Podcasts,
25:47and Google Podcasts.
25:49Thanks for tuning in.
26:45you