Madalas nakakainit ng ulo ang pagdisiplina ng mga bata. Ngayon sa #ShareKoLang, pag-uusapan ni Doc Anna kasama si Dr. Joanna Herrera, ang president ng We Thrive Consultancy and Wellbeing Services, Inc kung ano ba ang mga pwedeng gawin ng mga magulang at guro para hindi sila maubusan ng pasensya sa pagdisiplina.
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00:00This video went viral while a teacher was scolding her students.
00:06You're all so thick-skinned!
00:08I didn't take a board exam just to be disrespected by people like you who don't have a future!
00:16Some ran away.
00:18Some ran away.
00:23What is the right way to discipline children?
00:27This is what Dr. Ana and Dr. Joanna Herrera, the co-authors of THRIVE,
00:34Our Parents' Journey to Resilience, will talk about.
00:42Hello, Kapuso!
00:44I am Dr. Ana Tuazon, your storyteller and psychologist at Shareko Lang.
00:49As parents, it is our responsibility to guide and discipline our children
00:55to correct their wrongdoings.
00:58That is why we asked you how you discipline your children.
01:03We will talk about your scenarios with licensed psychologist, Dr. Joanna Herrera,
01:09who is also the co-author of the parenting book, THRIVE, A Parent's Journey to Resilience.
01:16Hello, Dr. Joanna! Welcome to Shareko Lang!
01:20Hello, Dr. Ana! It's so wonderful to be here with you.
01:25Let's talk about the viral video of a teacher who is being bullied by students on TikTok.
01:38I know you watched it.
01:42Do you have any initial thoughts about that?
01:45When I watched it, I felt like,
01:49Oh my, this teacher needs help.
01:52It's not regulated anymore.
01:54At the same time, I was surprised by the comments.
01:56There were a lot of people who told her,
01:59In a sense, for them, it's not dysregulation.
02:02And they said, it's discipline.
02:04Why is that? Why is the teacher being punished?
02:07It's just discipline.
02:09So I'm curious, as a fellow psychologist,
02:12what are your thoughts around that video?
02:17Actually, we had an immediate reaction.
02:20Oh my, this teacher has a burnout.
02:22She needs support.
02:24She needs self-care.
02:28So we understood that.
02:30That's why, as parents, we say,
02:32Self-discipline should go home to self-care.
02:35Because if you have a burnout, it's hard to be calm.
02:40So that's important.
02:42And the teachers went through a lot during the pandemic.
02:45Very, very stressed teachers.
02:49Maybe that's one of the things we need to pay attention to.
02:55Second, we can communicate
03:01in a different way.
03:03That we can deliver what we want to say.
03:06Because it's important for children
03:08to build their competence and confidence.
03:11That they can see in our eyes,
03:13that we trust in their abilities.
03:16Maybe that's where I disagree.
03:18I see that in the way
03:20that I understand the teacher.
03:22But the words used
03:26break the confidence.
03:30It breaks the self-confidence.
03:35We understand the intention,
03:37but the impact, maybe,
03:39the communication needs to be more effective.
03:42What are the appropriate ways
03:45that the teacher can be disciplined in the classroom?
03:49Yes.
03:52From the very beginning,
03:55lay down the rules.
03:57We want to be clear
04:00to all students
04:02on what to expect in the classroom.
04:04And the students can still be involved
04:08in making the rules.
04:11If you see that someone is not following the rules,
04:16show that there are consequences.
04:19That's where self-regulation comes from.
04:21And be consistent.
04:23Consistency is important.
04:25Every time you see that someone is not following the rules,
04:28tell them.
04:30And talk to them.
04:37Those are our major principles.
04:40Be clear, be consistent,
04:43and show conviction
04:48by calling in.
04:50Instead of calling out,
04:52calling in the student
04:54who needs disciplining.
04:58I get the calling out,
05:00because that's what happened in the video.
05:02What's the difference in calling in?
05:05If there's a student
05:07who's struggling with following the rules
05:10or engaging safely with other students,
05:14talk to them.
05:16It comes from a place of support.
05:18We can't assume that
05:20they just want to do something
05:22that's not good for the child.
05:24The child might be going through something
05:26or experiencing something
05:30that's challenging.
05:32We can ask,
05:34how can I help you?
05:37So that you can follow
05:39what we're talking about here in the classroom.
05:42Where are you having a hard time?
05:44So really,
05:46focusing on solving
05:48the challenge, the obstacle, the problem.
05:50Yes.
05:52As a teacher,
05:54you teach them how to problem-solve
05:56in that particular situation.
05:58Not just in the lesson,
06:00but in life itself.
06:02That's where they learn,
06:04in their experiences.
06:06It's the same for us,
06:08our parents.
06:10We grew up with sticks.
06:12We get stuck when we make mistakes.
06:14There are stories
06:16where we drown in salt,
06:18in rice, and so on.
06:20Are there other ways
06:22of disciplining?
06:24Yes.
06:26Thank you for bringing that up.
06:28That's one of the practices
06:30that was accepted
06:32as a way
06:34of disciplining.
06:36But now,
06:38we're learning that
06:40fear,
06:42even though the child's immediate reaction
06:44is to follow,
06:46eventually,
06:48when the motivation comes from fear,
06:50it's not good
06:52for the development of the child.
06:54The nervous system goes into
06:56fight-flight-freeze mode.
06:58It means that
07:00it can't respond in an optimal way.
07:03If it comes from fear,
07:05the child won't learn
07:07how to self-regulate
07:09if it doesn't rely on
07:11the external force
07:13to follow.
07:15That's not what we want.
07:17We want the child to learn
07:19how to self-regulate,
07:21which is the effective discipline.
07:23Actually, instead of being able to help
07:25and teach the child,
07:27sometimes,
07:29it becomes a fight.
07:31It becomes rebellious
07:33because it learned how to fight.
07:37Then,
07:39flight-response.
07:41This is the one that becomes
07:43scary.
07:45Maybe it's too shy,
07:47nervous, and unable to make a decision.
07:49This is the fear of going in,
07:51fear of being confused
07:53and losing confidence
07:55in oneself.
07:57Then, freeze.
07:59As we can see,
08:01those who are depressed
08:03and shut down,
08:05they don't look forward
08:07to things anymore.
08:09They lose confidence,
08:11they lose hope.
08:13It's like
08:15they don't have
08:17any action
08:19in their life.
08:23Maybe this is the most
08:25important thing
08:28for people to understand.
08:30Because what they're thinking
08:32is that they need to show that it's wrong.
08:34They need to show that it's not right
08:36so they'll be punished.
08:38Actually,
08:40is the punishment the same
08:42in terms of discipline?
08:44In terms of discipline,
08:46we know that all parents
08:48come from love.
08:50We don't want to punish
08:52our children
08:54so that they'll have a hard life.
08:56We don't want them to learn.
08:58Learning comes from
09:00caring and loving.
09:02In the book, we say that
09:04three things are important
09:06in disciplining
09:08so that they won't be
09:10easily punished.
09:12Discipline comes from loving.
09:14Regulate, relate, reason.
09:18Let's help the child to regulate
09:20because the feelings
09:22of the children
09:24are not yet
09:26practiced in managing
09:28their emotions.
09:30We need to help them regulate
09:32and relate
09:34what our children should feel
09:36and what we do
09:38so that
09:40they'll be better
09:42in loving and reason
09:44so that they'll learn
09:46and see
09:48where their
09:50emotions come from
09:53and how to
09:55move
09:57and make decisions.
09:59Can you give us a sample?
10:01They might say,
10:03it's easy to say that
10:05but in reality,
10:07let's say, my child
10:09got hurt by her brother.
10:11Of course, you don't want that
10:13and you don't want to do it again.
10:15What can they do instead of
10:17being punished?
10:19You need to avoid
10:21that behavior.
10:23It's a good example.
10:25This is the situation
10:27that I envision.
10:29They're fighting for a toy
10:31or a gadget
10:33and one of them
10:35got hurt.
10:37At that point,
10:39we always start by regulating.
10:41If the child
10:43has a strong feeling,
10:45it's hard
10:47to talk to them.
10:49Let's start by regulating
10:51so that we can help them
10:53to calm down
10:55and to separate.
10:57If the child
10:59has a strong feeling, it's hard
11:01to talk to them.
11:03Let's help the one who got hurt
11:05to stop first.
11:07Using a neutral voice
11:09as much as possible,
11:11neutral but disciplining.
11:13The child can't get hurt
11:15in this house,
11:18in this family, let's stop first.
11:20The stop
11:22is grounding, stop.
11:24I can't tell
11:26the parents
11:28that I don't want what happened.
11:30It can't hurt.
11:32Help
11:34the child to calm down.
11:38Sometimes, it's good to teach
11:40the child techniques
11:42to breathe first.
11:44Let's breathe first.
11:46Breathing in, breathing out,
11:48the nervous system calms down.
11:50Then,
11:52part of the regulate
11:54is to name
11:56the feelings
11:58that the child is feeling.
12:00When naming,
12:02we say name it or tame it.
12:04When the feeling is named,
12:06the child learns
12:08to manage it.
12:10We can say,
12:12I know you're angry
12:14because your toy
12:16or your gadget
12:18didn't apologize to you.
12:20That's why I understand
12:22that you're angry.
12:24When we feel
12:26that we understand the feeling,
12:28that's also part of the regulate.
12:30I see you,
12:32I feel you.
12:34The reason is,
12:36when we see
12:38that the child is calmer,
12:40we can say,
12:42can we not get sick?
12:44Can we talk about
12:46how you'll
12:48borrow the gadget?
12:50Let's talk about it.
12:52That's where the reason comes in.
12:54What's the right way?
12:56In a way,
12:58it's traditional at least.
13:00For example, the siblings are fighting,
13:02the parents will come in
13:04and say, hey, stop it.
13:06Stop it.
13:08You go straight to trying to solve,
13:11trying to solve,
13:13trying to fix.
13:15There's not much reason.
13:17You're just giving
13:19the answer.
13:21But what we see
13:23often is,
13:25actually, it's very important
13:27that we don't learn
13:29when we're in crisis mode,
13:31when we have high emotions.
13:33When you're too angry,
13:35you won't listen.
13:37You need to calm down first.
13:39Let's talk about
13:41our loved ones.
13:43There's something similar
13:45to what you're advocating, Doc.
13:47One said,
13:49explain the consequences
13:51of their wrongdoings or actions
13:53in a non-hurtful way.
13:55The goal should be to help them
13:57understand the impact of their actions
13:59without making them feel ashamed
14:01or attacked.
14:03Patience is the key.
14:05Another said,
14:07but if it's too much,
14:09they'll get beaten up.
14:11If you just let them
14:13do their wrongdoings,
14:15they'll think they did the right thing.
14:17Until they grow up,
14:19they'll do it.
14:21What can you say about that?
14:23The reason behind
14:25if it's just a little,
14:27they'll get scolded.
14:29But if it's too much,
14:31they'll get beaten up.
14:33What can you say about that, Doc?
14:37In my studies,
14:39I've been studying
14:41physical discipline.
14:43The tendency is
14:45that it's not effective
14:47when you use
14:49physical discipline.
14:51The nervous system
14:53gets overwhelmed.
14:55It's important
14:57to establish consequences.
14:59Just like the comment earlier.
15:03Physical discipline
15:06in bad behavior,
15:08does it work?
15:10It doesn't.
15:12It's the same.
15:14The relationship
15:16between parents and children
15:18gets destroyed.
15:20The rupture of emotional connection
15:22is more damaging
15:24to the discipline.
15:26Another said,
15:28it's hard to discipline
15:30kids nowadays.
15:32We used to be beaten up.
15:34If you beat up your own child
15:36to discipline them,
15:38you'll get child abuse.
15:40This is similar to the complaints
15:42of teachers.
15:44We can't move anymore.
15:46We can't do anything.
15:48Because of a small bump,
15:50it's child abuse.
15:52Again, what can you say about that?
15:54As parents,
15:56it's important to assess
15:58if there are other ways
16:00that can be better.
16:02That can be better
16:04than what I've experienced.
16:06That's why we love our children.
16:08That's where
16:10the discipline comes from.
16:12It's not because of what I've experienced
16:14that my child needs to go through.
16:16We love them.
16:18What's the best
16:20for them?
16:22If there are other ways
16:24that are more effective,
16:26let's try it.
16:28Practice is important.
16:31While we practice,
16:33we develop
16:35the way of discipline
16:37that is effective
16:39for us and our child.
16:41There's a reason
16:43to take advantage of the advances
16:45so that we won't get stuck.
16:47In the 1960s
16:49and 1970s,
16:51parents didn't like
16:53their children anymore.
16:55They said,
16:57that's my time.
16:59That's not going to work
17:01for our children.
17:03As you said,
17:05you might get stuck
17:07but it doesn't mean
17:09that you're not a good person.
17:11Maybe listening to you
17:13and being with you
17:15because you bought ice cream
17:17helped you
17:19become stronger.
17:21When we were
17:23protected,
17:25other people
17:27gave us benefits
17:29and welfare.
17:31That's not science.
17:33There are other variables.
17:35We can't say,
17:37I became a good person
17:39because I won.
17:41It's too simplistic
17:43to assume that kind of reasoning.
17:45We have one last
17:47topic that
17:49highlights how
17:51the parenting style of
17:53two parents is different.
17:55My partner and I have
17:57different discipline styles.
17:59That's why we often lose.
18:01Sometimes, she doesn't care
18:03even if our children are
18:05already tired.
18:07So,
18:09we're partly couples
18:11and partly parents.
18:13I'm so happy that you brought that up
18:15because it's very important
18:17to follow
18:19collaborative parenting.
18:21So,
18:23when I work with my parents,
18:25I encourage
18:27them to talk
18:29and agree on
18:31the direction
18:33of the discipline that they want.
18:37Here, we usually create
18:39a collaborative helping map.
18:41Even if you're
18:43not working with
18:45a professional, there are four questions
18:47that you can talk about
18:49as parents. First, what direction
18:51do we want? What do we want
18:53for our children?
18:55What do we wish for them?
18:57Second,
18:59what are our obstacles
19:01and challenges?
19:03Do our children have
19:05personalities that are
19:07challenging?
19:09How do we deal with that?
19:11Third, what are
19:13our strengths
19:15as a couple?
19:17As parents, what do we do
19:19that is right, good, and effective?
19:21Fourth,
19:23what do we want
19:25to change? How do we
19:27want to improve our
19:29discipline?
19:31So, when we talk about it
19:33as a couple, as parents,
19:35you create a shared
19:37map.
19:39You have a map
19:41for the direction of parenting.
19:43Even me, Doc Javi,
19:45as a mother,
19:47psychologist, I feel like I should know
19:49what to do.
19:51I agree with
19:53my patients.
19:55But sometimes,
19:57you can't avoid getting angry,
19:59frustrated, and losing
20:01patience. I feel guilty
20:03of course.
20:05Why is it like that? I should have
20:07loving feelings for my child.
20:09But sometimes,
20:11you lose patience.
20:13So,
20:15I can empathize that
20:17we want what's best.
20:19We want what's best
20:21for our children.
20:23Actually, we all have the same intention.
20:25We want them to be a good person
20:27who doesn't hurt
20:29others, who is not
20:31arrogant.
20:33And at the same time,
20:35understand that
20:37I'm not a bad parent
20:39because I made a mistake.
20:41It's important
20:43to catch myself.
20:45Wait, wait, wait.
20:47I'm not regulated.
20:49I need to give
20:51time to my dad.
20:53Wait, I need time.
20:55When I calm down,
20:57I remember
20:59what Doc Javi told me.
21:01What's the best thing to do
21:03for my child.
21:05Yes, the
21:07regulated reasons.
21:09So,
21:11thank you so much, Doc Javi
21:13for sharing.
21:15I'm sure our viewers
21:17learned a lot
21:19and our Kapusyo.
21:21Thank you so much, Doc Ana.
21:23If you want to
21:25talk about something,
21:27just leave a comment below
21:29or email us at
21:31sharecolang at gmainews.tv
21:33We're also streaming
21:35on Spotify, Apple Podcasts
21:37and Google Podcasts.
21:39Thanks for tuning in.
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