The Abbott and Costello Show (At the Ranch)
The Abbott and Costello Show is a comedy program from the era of old-time radio in the United States. It was broadcast first on NBC and later on ABC, beginning on July 3, 1940 and ending on June 9, 1949.
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00:00The Abbott and Costello program.
00:12Listen to the great rhythms of Will Osborne and his orchestra, the swingy singing of Connie
00:19Hayes and that sawed-off stubby overstuffed little statesman who proudly said,
00:25THE ABBOTT!
00:37Hey, Costello, Costello, Costello, calm yourself.
00:40Why are you so excited?
00:41Hey, Abbott, I think the war is over.
00:43Oh, that's silly. What makes you think the war is over?
00:45I just heard the lady next door talking back to her maid.
00:49Oh.
00:51Well, never mind that.
00:54Yes, look, never mind that, though.
00:57Look, you know we've got to drive out to the 8th of the Bar Ranch to see the Andrews sisters.
01:01Now, did you borrow Ken Niles' car?
01:03Oh, yeah, I borrowed it just like you told me.
01:05Well, that's swell.
01:06But I had a terrible accident, Abbott.
01:07What do you mean?
01:08I upset it.
01:09I've got to turn it over right away or Ken Niles' wife won't like it.
01:10Well, we can do that when we come back from the Andrews sisters' ranch.
01:13No, I've got to turn the car over now or Mrs. Niles is going to be mad.
01:16I'll explain it to Mrs. Niles.
01:17Where is she?
01:18She's under the car.
01:20She's under the car?
01:22Is she in a coma?
01:23No, she's wearing her evening gown.
01:25Oh.
01:26Well, then let's get Ken Niles to help us lift the car.
01:28Oh, Ken is in a good spot to help us.
01:30Fine.
01:31Where is he?
01:32He's under the car, too.
01:33For goodness sakes.
01:35How did this accident happen?
01:36I bumped into one of the car, Abbott.
01:37Boy, that driver was mad at me.
01:39He said for two cents I'd punch him in the nose.
01:40And what happened?
01:41He ran up a bill of $8.
01:43You were silly to argue with the driver.
01:45Why didn't you call a policeman?
01:46I didn't have to.
01:47I hit one.
01:48You hit a policeman?
01:49I hit a policeman.
01:50You hit a policeman in uniform?
01:51Nope.
01:52I hit him in the nose.
01:53Oh.
01:54Oh, this is liable to spoil our whole trip to the Andrews Sisters Ranch.
01:57Did the cop recognize you?
01:59Yep.
02:00Could he swear to you?
02:01Yep.
02:02And I swore right back at him.
02:04I said, oh, you David Copperfield, you tale of two cities, you Oliver Twist.
02:09What did you say that for?
02:10I was giving him the Dickens.
02:19Now, this is a fine thing.
02:21Now I have to straighten you out with that policeman.
02:22Where is he?
02:23He's under the car, too.
02:24What are they all doing under the car?
02:26Have you looked for an apartment lately?
02:28No.
02:29Uh-oh.
02:30Uh-oh.
02:31Here comes Mr. and Mrs. Niles.
02:32Better beat it, Costello.
02:33Oh, no you don't.
02:35You fat-headed, flabby, car-flipping fool.
02:38Do you realize you left me out there under the car holding up my rumble seat?
02:45Don't stand there like an idiot.
02:46What have you got to say?
02:47Good morning, Mrs. Niles.
02:49Don't good morning me.
02:51Good night, Mrs. Niles.
02:52That day went fast, didn't it?
02:54No.
02:56Costello, why did you leave Mrs. Niles under the back seat of her car?
02:59Well, isn't that where they always keep the crank?
03:04You can't escape.
03:05You had it coming, Mrs. Niles.
03:07Now, now, be nice, Lou.
03:08Say something.
03:09Well, all right.
03:10I, uh, just a minute now, you worm.
03:12Don't you.
03:13Please.
03:14Go ahead, go ahead.
03:15Blow me out, kid.
03:16All right.
03:17You're supposed to.
03:18Don't you try to wiggle out of this.
03:19What about me?
03:20Look at my suit.
03:21I'm a mess.
03:22Niles, without looking at your suit, you're a mess.
03:26But look at the spots all over my suit.
03:28Well, throw away the suit and wear the spots.
03:30Oh, Costello, I've had enough.
03:32We're going out to get the policeman and sue you for damages.
03:35Damages?
03:36But, Mrs. Niles, did you get hurt?
03:37Did I get hurt?
03:39I have a big scratch on my crazy bone.
03:42Put your hat on and nobody will notice it.
03:45Oh, come.
03:48Hey, come on, Abbott, think fast.
03:49I gotta get out of here before they come back with the cops.
03:51Oh, you can cause more trouble.
03:52We were going to the H of the Bar Ranch to ask the Andrews sisters to appear on our show.
03:56And you wrecked the car we were going to use.
03:59Well, now we'll have to rent a car.
04:01Well, let's get another car.
04:02We'll have to.
04:03Well, where can we get one?
04:04You drive.
04:05Me drive?
04:06No, you drive.
04:07I said I drive.
04:08You don't drive it.
04:09I drive it.
04:10Drive what?
04:11You drive.
04:12Why should I drive when you want to drive?
04:14I'm going to drive.
04:15Look, Costello, I'm renting a U-Drive and I drive it.
04:18Oh, then we both drive it.
04:19No, we do nothing of the kind.
04:21I drive.
04:22When I say you drive, I don't mean you drive.
04:24I mean that I drive, although it's a U-Drive.
04:27When you say you drive, you don't mean me drive?
04:30No.
04:31You mean you drive because I don't drive?
04:32Now you've got it.
04:33Now, I don't even know what I'm talking about.
04:37Now, look, Abbott, you go to a place and you're going to rent a car.
04:40Yes.
04:41You are driving the car?
04:42Yes.
04:43Where am I sitting?
04:44You are sitting right next to me.
04:45Is there a steering wheel in front of me?
04:47No.
04:48And you're positive that I am not driving?
04:49I'm positive.
04:50And you are driving the car?
04:51Yes.
04:52All right.
04:53What kind of a car are you driving?
04:54U-Drive.
04:55Somebody better be driving.
04:57No, no, no, look.
04:59I'm trying to explain this.
05:01We go and rent a car.
05:02Right.
05:03Now, where are we going to get it?
05:04U-Drive company.
05:05Now I drive company.
05:07I thought we were going alone.
05:09You don't understand.
05:10It's Hertz U-Drive.
05:11Well, if it hurts, you drive.
05:13That is right.
05:15That's right?
05:16This is getting worse.
05:17Don't you see?
05:18The head of the company's Hertz.
05:19That's too bad.
05:20What hurts him?
05:21Nothing hurts him.
05:22Look, every company has to have a head.
05:25Naturally.
05:26Now, this company's head hurts.
05:27Well, let me take an aspirin.
05:29Listen.
05:30It's Hertz U-Drive all over the country.
05:33Well, if it hurts to drive all over the country, why should I drive and get hurt?
05:37You don't get hurt.
05:38I'm not going to get hurt.
05:39You don't get hurt.
05:40Nobody's going to hurt me.
05:42That's right.
05:43You're not going to get hurt.
05:44I'm a fool to get hurt.
05:45You're not going to get hurt.
05:46It's the Hertz company.
05:48Oh, the Hertz company.
05:49I still...
05:50I still...
05:51Look, Abbott.
05:52I...
05:53Am I mixed up?
05:54All right.
05:55It's very simple.
05:56Look, Abbott.
05:57Thank you, boy.
05:59Look, Abbott.
06:00Now...
06:01I don't want to hurt nobody.
06:02Will you listen to me, please?
06:04The man's name is...
06:07Look, no, please.
06:09Now, look.
06:10Take it easy.
06:11The man's name is Hertz.
06:12He rents cars.
06:14U-Drive.
06:15It's the U-Drive all over the country.
06:17U-Drive all over the country?
06:19Yeah.
06:20Not with that OPA, brother.
06:22What are you talking about?
06:23That's why I can't go.
06:24OPA.
06:25What do you mean, OPA?
06:27Only a puny A car.
06:29Get out of here.
06:31Only a puny A car.
06:33Get out of here.
06:46Well, our two heroes, Abbott and Costello,
06:48are driving their rented car over the desert
06:51to the Andrews sisters' ranch.
06:53We find them on the road,
06:54their motor merrily hammering away
06:56as they head for the ranch.
06:58Let's listen to these hammerheads.
07:00Well, Castello, no matter how you drive, the pedestrians always manage to get across the
07:09road somehow.
07:10Yeah.
07:11Sneaky devils, ain't they?
07:12Yeah.
07:13I wish I was a truck driver.
07:15Why do you want to be a truck driver?
07:16Oh, they run into so many interesting people.
07:18Castelli, you're a dope.
07:20Hey.
07:21Huh?
07:22Hey.
07:23What's wrong?
07:24Castella.
07:25Castella.
07:26There's something wrong.
07:27What's wrong here?
07:28What's wrong with this?
07:29What's the matter with this car?
07:30What's wrong with this car?
07:45Out of gas.
07:51Hello.
07:53Hello, fellas.
07:55Have an accident?
07:56No, thanks.
07:57We just had one.
07:58All right, Costella, say mister, could you pull us to the nearest town?
08:02Nope, but my horse can.
08:05It's 10 miles to Palm Springs.
08:08I'll tow you there for $30.
08:10Here, just hook this rope on.
08:12Okay, here we go.
08:13Giddyap!
08:14I think the horse is hoarse.
08:23You know, Costella, that guy is a gyp.
08:27Imagine charging us $30 to pull us 10 miles.
08:30Don't worry, Evans.
08:31I'm getting even with him.
08:32How?
08:33I got our brakes on.
08:44Okay, Costella, here's the hotel.
08:46I'll ring for the clerk.
08:47Oh, clerk!
08:48Oh, clerk!
08:49Oh, clerk!
08:50Oh, clerk!
08:51Oh, clerk!
08:52Just a moment, please.
08:53This is a very high-class hotel, and I'll have you understand, I'm not a jerk.
08:58You're not even a vibration.
09:00Costella, will you act like a gentleman, please?
09:03Uh, clerk, we'd like a room.
09:05All I have left is the bridal chamber.
09:07Do you want that, Mr. Abbott?
09:08I do.
09:09Do you want it, Mr. Costello?
09:10I do.
09:11I now pronounce you room and bath.
09:12$5.
09:13Uh, Mr. Clerk, just a minute.
09:15You don't understand.
09:16Uh, we were here on our way to the H-of-the-Ball Ranch, and our, uh, car broke down.
09:20We're going to see the Andrews sisters.
09:23Oh, yes.
09:24The Andrews sisters.
09:25Yes.
09:26They are so sweet.
09:27Every time I see them, I want to kiss them.
09:29My mind says no, my heart says yes.
09:32And what do you hear from your liver?
09:36Well, Mr. Costello, if you'll just sign the register, I'll have the boy show you to your suite.
09:40My what?
09:41Your suite.
09:42Your suite.
09:43You're cute, too.
09:44I like you!
09:47All right.
09:48All right.
09:49Come on, clerk.
09:50What about our room?
09:51All right, Mr. Costello.
09:521006.
09:53Now get going.
09:54Okay, I'll see you later.
09:55Okay.
09:56Wrong!
09:57All right.
09:58Wrong!
09:59All right!
10:00Go far away!
10:01I know you are.
10:02Now listen, clerk.
10:03We want to get up early.
10:04We're going to the...
10:05Hey, wait a minute.
10:06Tenth floor.
10:07Tenth floor?
10:08Wait a minute.
10:09You sent Costello to the tenth floor?
10:10There's only one floor in this hotel.
10:11You haven't got a tenth floor.
10:12Good heavens, man, you're right!
10:13Do something!
10:14Oh, this is serious.
10:15Oh, Mr. Costello, there's no tenth floor!
10:16Come right down!
10:17Costello, speak to me.
10:18Are you all right?
10:19What can I do for you?
10:20Send a boy up for my bags.
10:21Hey, come on, Abba, let's get out of this place.
10:22I have never been so humidity in all my life.
10:23Humidity?
10:24Yes, he humilitated me.
10:25Humility means damp.
10:26Well, let's get out of this damp hotel.
10:27There he is.
10:28I'm sorry, sir.
10:29We're going to have to call the police.
10:30I'm sorry.
10:31I'm sorry.
10:32I'm sorry.
10:33I'm sorry.
10:34I'm sorry.
10:35I'm sorry.
10:36I'm sorry.
10:37I'm sorry.
10:38I'm sorry.
10:39I'm sorry.
10:40I'm sorry.
10:41I'm sorry.
10:42I'm sorry.
10:43I'm sorry.
10:44I'm sorry.
10:45Banana.
10:46You can't check out.
10:47You just checked in.
10:48Oh, it's the gypsy in me.
10:49Oh, shut up.
10:50You're going right to bed.
10:51Now, we've got to see the Andrews sisters in the morning.
10:52Oh, here's our room.
10:53Come on.
10:54Oh, I wonder who that can be.
10:55Nobody knows we're in town.
10:56I'll take it.
10:57Go ahead.
10:58Hello, yes, this is little Costello.
10:59No, no, I'm sorry.
11:00I'd like to, but I just can't.
11:01No, no, I'm sorry.
11:02I'm so sorry.
11:03I'm so sorry.
11:04I'm so sorry.
11:05I'm so sorry.
11:06I'm so sorry.
11:07I'm so sorry.
11:08I'm so sorry.
11:09I'm so sorry.
11:10I'm so sorry.
11:15It won't tell you!
11:17Who was that?
11:17Buliver.
11:18They wanted to know what time it was.
11:19♪
11:21♪
11:27Ah, you're crazy.
11:29Now go, get to bed.
11:29Come on, hurry up.
11:30Now, we've got to get up early.
11:32You understand?
11:33To get to the ranch.
11:34♪
11:35What's this?
11:36Pardon me, boys.
11:37I'm the chambermaid.
11:39I heard you two clowns had checked in
11:41and I thought you might like to hear a funny story.
11:44How about it, Attic?
11:45This chambermaid might have something.
11:47We could use a good joke.
11:48We haven't had one on three pages.
11:50All right, go ahead.
11:51♪
11:52Go ahead.
11:53Well, did you ever hear the story about the double bed?
11:57Nope.
11:58I just made it.
11:59Ha ha ha ha ha!
12:00Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
12:03Oh, this kid is going to lay an egg!
12:06Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
12:09Oh, how dare you?
12:10I've never been so humiliated in my life.
12:12Now, you see, Attic?
12:13She said the same thing, humility.
12:15She thinks it's a damp hotel, too.
12:16Oh, dampness has nothing to do with it.
12:18She said humiliate.
12:20Conjugate it from the Latin, humilius.
12:22Humilia, humilium.
12:24I humiliate, she humiliates, they humiliate.
12:26Now, do you understand?
12:27Yes, sir.
12:28Everybody in the joint is damp.
12:29No, no, no.
12:31Say, miss, if you're so smart, maybe you can tell me something.
12:33Our car broke down and we got to get
12:34to the Andrew's sister's ranch.
12:35Now, how can we get there?
12:36On a jackass.
12:37Did you ever ride a jackass?
12:38No.
12:39Then you better get on to yourself.
12:41Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
12:46Hmm, how do you like that?
12:49That's a very funny joke.
12:50If you ask me, and I'll ask me, I think it's a funny joke.
12:53I think I'll try that one on Abbott.
12:55Hey, Abbott?
12:56Yes?
12:57Did you ever ride a jackass?
12:58No.
12:59Then hop on my back.
12:59Okay.
13:00Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
13:01Hop on my back.
13:02Okay.
13:03Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
13:04Get off.
13:05Come on.
13:12Well, come on, Costello.
13:13Costello, come here.
13:14I'm coming in, man.
13:15Come in.
13:16We've got to check out of this hotel
13:17and find the Andrew's sister's ranch.
13:18Gee, Abbott, I hate to leave this lovely hotel room.
13:21I know.
13:21But I can't get it into my suitcase.
13:23What do you mean?
13:24My suitcase is full of towels.
13:25Costello, I'm surprised at you,
13:27stealing towels from a hotel.
13:29What could be smaller?
13:31Wash rags.
13:31Ah!
13:32Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
13:33Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.
13:34Come in.
13:36Ah, pardon me, son of a bitch.
13:37Come in.
13:38Come in.
13:38Come in.
13:39Come in.
13:41Pardon this unwarranted intrusion, gentlemen,
13:42but I'm looking for Abbott and Costello.
13:44Oh, that's Abbott over there, and I'm Costello.
13:46You?
13:47No, no, it couldn't be.
13:48I'm sure, sir, I'm sure
13:49that Luke Costello does not look
13:50like a sawed-off, pot-bellied,
13:52imbecilic, flea-bitten bum.
13:54Oh, yeah?
13:55You want to bet?
13:55No.
13:56No.
13:57No.
13:58Say, neighbor.
13:59What did I say?
14:00Wait a minute.
14:00Just a minute, neighbor.
14:01Who are you, anyway?
14:02Oh, pardon me.
14:03My name is Melonhead.
14:04I'm sorry.
14:05Well, with that,
14:06with that head, you should be sorry.
14:08Put your hat on, please.
14:09He's blinding me, the head.
14:11Look at that scalp, Abbott.
14:13His forehead goes all the way back to Santa Monica.
14:14No.
14:16Just a minute, Costello.
14:17I resent your remarks.
14:18I have plenty of hair.
14:20I mean on your head and foot and your shirt.
14:23Oh.
14:23Costello, Costello,
14:24before you insult this man anymore,
14:26please, before you insult him,
14:28let's find out what he wants.
14:30Go ahead.
14:31Find out what he wants.
14:32Well, go ahead.
14:32All right, Melonhead.
14:34Tell us what you want so I can insult you again.
14:35Gentlemen, I'm a theatrical agent
14:37specializing in television.
14:39Here's my card.
14:40Hey, there's nothing on the card.
14:41Well, television isn't here yet.
14:42Hmm.
14:43Now, let's get down to business, Costello.
14:46Let's get down to business.
14:47I understand you boys are here to engage
14:48the Andrews sisters to appear on your radio show?
14:51That's right.
14:51Now, Mr. Costello,
14:53if I could save you a lot of money, look,
14:54if you found $14,987.50 in your pocket,
15:00what would you think?
15:01I'd think I'd had on somebody else's pants.
15:02Oh, no, no, no.
15:03Now, gentlemen, my proposition is very simple.
15:06The Andrews sisters would cost you $15,000.
15:10But I happen to represent the original Andrews brothers.
15:13The Andrews brothers?
15:14Who are they?
15:15A great act.
15:16And the Andrews brothers,
15:18the Andrews brothers will only cost you $12.50.
15:22Do you know what that means?
15:23Yes.
15:24That means they must be lousy.
15:25But...
15:26Shut up, Costello.
15:28Mr. Melonhead, how can you afford to sell
15:30the Andrews brothers so cheap?
15:32Oh, I was caught by the price ceiling.
15:35You see, think of it, boys,
15:36the three Andrews brothers
15:38for $12, that's less than $5 a brother.
15:41Where can you buy brothers cheaper than that?
15:43I can buy the Smith brothers for a nickel.
15:44All right, Costello.
15:45Stop, stop.
15:47And they got more hair as a beard
15:49than you got on your head.
15:50Yeah, all right.
15:51Will you stop quibbling with Mr. Melonhead?
15:54Well, I mean, he quibbled on me first.
15:56So what?
15:56I mean, after all,
15:57I don't go around quibbling on anybody
15:58unless they quibble on me first.
15:59All right, well, forget about it.
16:00I got a good mind to let him have it some more.
16:01I'll quibble him with both arrows.
16:03Now, nevermind the quibbling.
16:04I guarantee I can quibble better than he can.
16:05All right, we don't want no more quibbling.
16:08We're gonna stop right here.
16:09We ain't got no place for Mr. Melonhead.
16:10Yeah?
16:11When can we hear the Andrews brothers?
16:13When you can hear them right now.
16:14All right.
16:15Come in, boys, and sing for Robin Costello.
16:18Hit it.
16:22We are the Andrews brothers
16:24and we are known as sisters.
16:27Yee-hoo!
16:29We could make much more money
16:31if we were only sisters.
16:36Well, Costello, what do you think
16:38of the three Andrews brothers?
16:40Well, they could be worse.
16:41How could they be worse?
16:42There could be four of them.
16:45Now, wait a minute, Costello.
16:46Let's not pass judgment
16:47until we hear the boys sing something else.
16:49Do you boys know Apple Blossom Time?
16:51Do they?
16:52Of course they do.
16:53Boys, go ahead, hit it.
16:54Sing the medley.
16:57I'll be with you
17:02in Apple Blossom Time.
17:08Sounds more like apple cider time.
17:11I'll be with you
17:15and change your name to mine.
17:20They'll have to change more than their names
17:22if they want to get on this program.
17:23Hit it, boys.
17:27So roll out the barrel
17:31so we'll have a barrel of barrel
17:34and a boy rolling out, boy.
17:38Roll out the old barrel
17:40and a boy rolling out, boy.
17:42Hey, you.
17:43That's a requirement.
17:44Hey, you in the middle.
17:45Roll it out, boy.
17:46Hey, you in the middle.
17:47Hey, you in the middle.
17:48Will you be quiet?
17:49Roll out the old barrel.
17:50Hey, you in the middle.
17:51Ah!
17:52General!
17:53I wondered what happened to that guy.
17:56I mean, that's not funny.
17:58That guy not only rolls out the barrel,
18:00he emptied it.
18:01All right, all right.
18:03Well, Abbot and Costello,
18:04didn't I tell you the Andrews brothers
18:06were out of this world?
18:08They ain't out far enough.
18:10Now, let's not quibble, Costello.
18:12Look, where can you find a better bargain
18:14than these three wonderful singers?
18:15Think of it.
18:16Three brothers for $12.50.
18:18Now, you cost that much for three goats.
18:22Yeah, but look at the difference.
18:24Nothing doing, nothing doing, Melonhead.
18:26Your prices are too high.
18:27Too high, Costello?
18:28Before I'll sell the Andrews brothers
18:30for less than $12.50,
18:32I'll drown myself.
18:34Okay, you ask for it.
18:36Put that salsa bottle down.
18:37Hey!
18:42Get him out of here.
18:48Folks, good night.
18:49Good night, everybody.
18:54Good night.