An Evening with George Burns
George Burns (born Nathan Birnbaum; January 20, 1896 – March 9, 1996) was an American comedian, actor, writer, and singer, and one of the few entertainers whose career successfully spanned vaudeville, radio, film and television. His arched eyebrow and cigar-smoke punctuation became familiar trademarks for over three-quarters of a century. He and his wife Gracie Allen appeared on radio, television and film as the comedy duo Burns and Allen.
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00:00Thank you very much. I don't know what I'm doing up here. I got a seat in the front row. You know, ladies and gentlemen, and fans of my closest friend, I want to ask you something.
00:23Wouldn't you think that as long as I was kind enough, or let's not go that far, let's say as long as I was nice enough to come over here to introduce George Burns, that George would have somebody introduce me?
00:49He'd just walk on, no introduction, no music, just walk on timidly. You know, like a little puppy that missed the paper.
01:05Now, George, this is the second time, of course, that George has done this show. He did it in New York City, and he wanted me to fly to New York to introduce him. He said he was nervous in New York. He wouldn't go on if I weren't there to introduce him.
01:24So I told him I'd go, and he said to me, he said, I'll tell you what, Jack, if you come to New York and introduce me, he said, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll pay all of your expenses from Los Angeles to New York and back. I'll pay your hotel bill. It won't cost you a dime.
01:51So then I got real angry, and I says, George, look, I've been in show business as long as you have, or longer, and I've saved my money. I'm richer than you are. I don't need you to introduce me. You don't have to spend that money.
02:15So he said to me, well, Jack, I'd feel better if you let me pay your expenses. So I said, well, if your health is involved, all right. So I let him do it.
02:37And he paid my fare. He paid my hotel bill. I paid the food. If I remember correctly, I paid everything.
02:54Well, anyway, I'm going to introduce, really, I've always said my quote. You know, when he played the Philharmonic, it seemed almost sacrilegious for a fellow like George Burns to be appearing at a place like the Philharmonic.
03:17And I told him that. I said, George, you can't even spell Philharmonic. He says to me, are you kidding? I said, all right, spell it. And he started out F-I-L. I said, forget it. He said, wait a minute, I'm not through yet.
03:40Well, anyway, ladies and gentlemen, I'm very, very happy and very proud to be here tonight to be able to introduce a fellow that I think is one of the great, great entertainers that we have in America.
04:00And I'm very happy and proud to say that he is my closest friend. Ladies and gentlemen, George Burns.
04:30Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. That fellow looked familiar to me. I think he's one of the caddies at Hillcrest. I'm not sure. Well, I'll get to him later.
04:55Isn't this beautiful? The Schubert Theater. It finally got me singing in the right place. Well, I got to keep this lit. I can't, you know me, I can't, I can't talk unless I smoke.
05:13Seeing me without a cigar would be like seeing Toadie Fields and Mama Cass in a Volkswagen, stopping to pick up Kate Smith. I smoke between 15 and 20 cigars a day.
05:31Well, at my age, I've got to hold on to something. Look, there's still a lot of things I love to do at my age. I love to sing and I love to smoke and I love to, to, to, well, I used to, I used to, I used to love, love to, to, and even, even, even when I was able, when I was able to,
06:01to, I always enjoyed singing and smoking more than I did, more than I did. I was, I was, I was, I was never crazy about, about, about. When I was, when I was young, the only thing I wanted to get into was show business.
06:18I was, I was always afraid that if I did a lot of, a lot of, a lot of, I could, I could hurt myself and never win another Charleston contest. It was always so embarrassing for me to, to, I was always so embarrassed.
06:39Even, even, even to this day, whenever I put my cigar into my holder, I close my eyes. Well, I want you to sit back and relax because you're in for a very, very exciting evening. I'm going to sing.
07:02Eight songs. And if you like them, I'll sing nine. And if you don't like them, I'll sing 38. All ballads. And I'll sing them slow and sustain the last notes.
07:29Now, let's see, I've got so many great songs. I don't know which one to open with. Now, let me tell you something about an opening song. It's, it's, it's very important that you, that you start out with the, with the, with the, with the right one. I know because I'm an old vaudeville actor. You start out with the right song, you've got a great opening. And in show business, all you need is a great opening and a great finish.
07:58I found out if I've got a great opening and a great finish, I don't have to apologize for all this dull stuff that I do in the middle. Sometimes my opening song is so great that people think it's my finish. Sometimes it is.
08:17Okay, Perry, Red Rose Rag.
08:48There's a lovely tune. Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it. That's, that's, that's a great song, but, but, but it's not, it's not an opening. It's not a great opening.
09:00When the evening sun is sinking, when the evening sun is sinking, I've been thinking, I've been thinking of my little odd cabin home. I was never meant for precedent, but you can bet I'll be content to stay there never again to roam.
09:14The house is not good looking. You enjoy the cooking. You'll eat my mother's apple pie. There is no wonderful architecture, see? Hold it, hold it, hold it. That's good, but it's, it's, it's, it's still not a song. It's not good enough to keep your mind off my dull stuff.
09:32I think this is it. Pack Up Your Sins. Okay.
09:37Pack up your sins and go to the devil in Hades. You'll find the finest of gentlemen and the finest of ladies.
09:47They'd rather be down below than up above. Hades is full of thousands of Jones, Browns, Hooligans, Combs and Bradys. They got a wonderful tune that went to the devil because those jazz bands put a trick in it, a little kick in it, raggy pick in it.
10:06They got a couple of old performers who had it, making you go to bed at eleven. Pack up your sins, go to the devil and you never have to go to bed at all.
10:18The doggies on the street get together and play. Talk things over, get married right away. Chicken lays the egg, the egg can't be found. If Mr. Rooster didn't come around. Oh, hold it, hold it, hold it.
10:35Now let me tell you something about these songs. These songs were all big hits when I first started in show business. You won't believe this, but after one of my performances, Calvin Coolidge left the theater whistling Red Rose Rag.
10:56And that was quite a compliment because Coolidge never moved his upper lip. Can't get over it. It's Schubert Theater. You know, I played nothing but small time vaudeville theaters until I was 27 years old. I played some awful places.
11:17I played one theater that was so bad that the headliner was Swayne's Cats and Rats. Things were kind of tough, but kids nowadays, they got it made. With records and with television, they get to be stars overnight.
11:38I know because I started a few kids like Bobby Darin and Anne Margaret and Bobby Rydell. Let me tell you a little story about Anne Margaret. She came into my office, she was about 19 years old, and she says, Mr. Burns, my name is Anne Margaret and I understand that you're doing a show in Las Vegas and I'd like to be on the show.
12:01I says, well, what do you do? She says, I'm a singer. I says, let me hear you sing a song. She sang a song. She was great, so I took her and she got to be a star overnight. I sent for her six months later. I says, Annie, how about playing Vegas? She says, let me hear you sing a song. I sang a song and she took me.
12:19Al Jolson had a theory about retirement, not his retirement. He wanted all the other actors to retire, so he'd be the only one left in show business. And he could handle it, too.
12:38He was sort of a strange kind of a man. He never went around with any of the other big successful stars. He only paled around with actors who had no talent. I was one of his closest friends.
12:52And that singing style of his, he found that by accident. One night he was having dinner before the show at Lindy's Restaurant. He had a double order of vegetables and sour cream, which consists of radishes, cucumbers and onions.
13:10And that night at the theater, when he went into April showers, he got a stomachache. And he sang, though April showers, hmm. May come your way, how. They bring the flowers, ooh.
13:36And the audience loved it, and that's how he found the style. And that was just from the radishes and cucumbers. Then when the onions hit him, he fell down on one knee, stayed there, finished the song and turned out to be a sensation.
13:49Wait, I think I've got a good opening song. Johnny Warner. I think this will do it. Oh, little Johnny Warner was sitting in the corner of a swell cafe eating his heart away because he had no girl.
14:11Yeah, that, that, that sounds like a good opening song. I think I like it. At another table sat a girl named Mabel with a fellow who Johnny knew in his head began to whirl. So far it's good. Little Johnny sighed.
14:27Here's what Johnny cried, he yelled, where did you get that girl? Oh, you lucky devil. Where did you get that girl? Tell me on the level. Have you ever kissed her? Has she got a sister? Lead me, lead me, lead me to her, Mr. G.
14:43I wish that I had a girl I love. And if you've got another, I'd take her home to my mother. Oh, where, where, where did you get that girl? No, no, no.
14:55You know, when you've got so many great songs, it gets to be a handicap. Well, let's see. I don't know what you're going to do, but I've got something planned, very exciting that's waiting for me in the dressing room.
15:21Bolazu. I'll see you later.