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00:00Happy birthday, dear Wanda, happy birthday to you!
00:10And many more on Channel 4.
00:14Excuse me, everyone.
00:15On Channel 2, there's Scooby-Doo.
00:18Before we dig into this delicious cake, I'd like to say a few words, if I may.
00:22On Channel 9, there's Frankenstein.
00:24You know, Webster defines wife as the female partner in marriage.
00:28On Channel 10, there's Naked Man.
00:31Rodney!
00:32That hardly does justice to my Wanda.
00:34On Channel 80, a naked lady.
00:37Rodney!
00:38Let's not be too hard on our old friend, Webster.
00:42And something dirty on Channel 30.
00:44You're being rude to Mr. McPherson.
00:46But he's boring!
00:47So you're gonna slow him down?
00:49Because I doubt Shakespeare himself.
00:52The sooner you stop interrupting, the sooner he'll shut up and we can all have some cake.
00:56Could, uh...
00:57Gee, I guess you're right.
00:58Gee, I guess I am.
00:59Could, uh, find the words to capture my Wanda in so forth.
01:02Happy birthday.
01:03Let's see.
01:09I am going to kill you!
01:12Mrs. Mac, I am so sorry I'm late.
01:14Here you are another year closer to death and I don't even have a present.
01:18It's okay, Busy.
01:19I was having another fight with my mom's stupid boyfriend.
01:22Guy's a loser with a capital Lu.
01:24Sounds like a jerk.
01:25Totally jerkified.
01:27Hello.
01:29Wanda, do you think it's a good idea to automatically take Busy's side?
01:33Darryl, I'm proud that she confides in me.
01:35Yeah, but we don't even know her mom's boyfriend.
01:38You're just jealous because you've lost your rapport with teenage girls.
01:43So your name's Michelle, huh?
01:45Are you the Michelle the Beatles sing about?
01:52I've got as much as I ever had.
01:56Ah!
02:00Oh, the e-volume of your encyclopedia.
02:03I love things that start with e.
02:05Thank you, Megan.
02:06I have to take it back after the party.
02:08Well, I guess it's time to give you my present.
02:11Sorry it's so small.
02:13A key? To what?
02:15Maybe everyone should just follow me.
02:20What is it?
02:21The answer to your prayers.
02:26Oh, Wanda.
02:27Darryl got you a beige minivan.
02:30Now that's what I call a sharp ride.
02:32And the bulky ergonomic egg shape is a real gas saver.
02:36A minivan?
02:37A minivan.
02:39I know it seems awfully generous, but I wanted to show exactly how I felt about you.
02:44So, what do you think?
02:56Glad I ain't you.
02:58I'm home if she wants a Percocet.
03:00I thought you'd like a minivan.
03:02What? Were they out of wood-paneled station wagons?
03:05I would think how useful it'll be in the next few years.
03:08What with bake sales, school functions, soccer mom stuff.
03:13Tell me you didn't just say soccer mom.
03:16Huh?
03:17I don't know what you're trying to do to me.
03:19Why don't you just tie me to the couch and force me to watch the Recipe Network?
03:23Wanda, I don't understand you.
03:25Oh, there's a bulletin.
03:29Busy?
03:30I need to talk to Mrs. Mac.
03:32Is there something I can do?
03:33You can get Mrs. Mac!
03:35Busy?
03:39I had another bite with my mom's stupid boyfriend.
03:42I hear you, Biz. I hear you.
03:44He's such a jerk.
03:46I know just what it's like to have some man think he knows what's best for you.
03:50He really has no idea.
03:51Exactly!
03:52So exactly!
04:09Okay, if I crash with you, you're the only woman around here who won't kill me in my sleep.
04:22I knew men would be phased out once non-sexual reproduction was perfected,
04:26but I thought it would take centuries, not a few days.
04:29I'm surprised how little we miss them.
04:31Miss who?
04:34Who wants juice?
04:35Oh, I do.
04:41Want a break, boss?
04:42Not yet, boy.
04:43Ah!
04:44Ah!
04:45Ah!
04:46Ah!
04:47Ah!
04:48Ah!
04:49Ah!
04:50Ah!
04:54Guess you're hungry, huh?
05:00Morning, Mr. Mac!
05:01No!
05:03I spoke to her mom and she said it was fine if Bizzy stayed here until things cooled off at home.
05:08Wanda, this is crazy! Since when are we running a halfway house for troubled youth?
05:12Ah, I thought I smelled pancakes.
05:14Morning!
05:15Hi!
05:16Hey!
05:17I'm gonna go sneak some stuff out of my house while my mom's stupid boyfriend is still asleep.
05:27Good luck avoiding the jerk.
05:29Thanks.
05:30Bye, Mr. Mac!
05:31Sorry I saw your package!
05:33Oh, Daryl, could you take care of Zoe tonight? Bizzy and I are going out.
05:37I thought we were gonna watch bloopers and roll pennies.
05:39I know, but Bizzy really needs a friend right now.
05:42I'll be her friend.
05:44I hope I have the same relationship with Zoe when she's a teenager.
05:47I think Zoe might prefer you act at your age.
05:49Oh, stop it, Daryl. You're such an old man.
05:52Bizzy and I are going out tonight and we're taking your car.
05:59Sorry about your life, guy.
06:05And then she has the nerve to call me an old man. I'm not even 30!
06:08I don't think she was referring to your numerical age so much as the way you make her feel.
06:12Now what's that supposed to mean?
06:13You're no longer Exciter. You're set in your ways. Predictable!
06:17I'm not the least bit predictable.
06:20Oh, that's mature.
06:22Okay, that's it. Out!
06:25Should've gone with my first instinct.
06:27Look, I don't care what you or Wanda or anybody else says.
06:30I happen to believe that once you have a child, you have to stop acting like a child.
06:34And I don't think that makes me an old man. I think that makes me a man.
06:39There. There.
06:40I don't think that's on your little pad.
06:42Check your email.
06:47Okay, I'm impressed.
06:49Bizzy, I know you're going through a lot of heavy stuff right now, so if you want to talk, I'm here for you.
06:55Mrs. Mack, don't go all very special saved by the bell on me.
06:59Oh, hey, I got you a birthday present.
07:01What is it?
07:02A friendship bracelet. See, I don't think of you as a mom.
07:06I don't think of you the same way I think of my friends.
07:09Hey, scumbuckets, get your narrow asses in the vehicle!
07:14Uh, Bizzy, who are these people?
07:16This is Berkeley.
07:17What's up?
07:18And that's Amber and Sue.
07:20Hi, girls.
07:21I'm a dude, lady.
07:22It's S-I-O-U-X. His parents are hippies.
07:25So, like, who invited Florence Henderson?
07:28Shut it, whore. She's with me.
07:30Slut.
07:31Skag.
07:32Skag.
07:33Skis.
07:34Devin rode his motorcycle into a mailbox, and now he's, like, completely brain dead.
07:38So?
07:39So his party's off, duh.
07:40Bummer.
07:41We're here.
07:45Oh, team night. That looks fun.
07:47Yeah, I bet they got pizza pie and sody pop.
07:50Uh, Mrs. Mack, we're going there.
07:54But Waterpalooza is closed.
07:57Thank you, Professor Obvious.
07:59Hey, I thought I told you to dumpster the heinosity.
08:01Dad, what is it with you and oldie McDusty Bones?
08:03She's my friend. You got it?
08:05My friend.
08:06You coming, Mrs. Mack?
08:08I'm coming.
08:12Oh, great. The dolphin tank is locked.
08:14Harsh.
08:15Total.
08:16So you want to chuck corndogs at the Sea Life mural?
08:18Mail spelled backwards is a lame.
08:21Wait a minute.
08:22What are those?
08:24Portable breast pumps.
08:34Come on in.
08:36All right, Deceptionator.
08:41Oh, my God. I am dying.
08:43Like, so dying.
08:44I am dead.
08:45Izzy, I don't think I should be here.
08:47Why not?
08:48Everyone likes you since you helped us break and enter.
08:51But I'm somebody's mother.
08:52See, that's your problem, Mrs. Mack.
08:54You let other people define who you are.
08:56No, I don't.
08:57Yes, you do.
08:58Well, if you say so.
08:59Come on.
09:02Yeah!
09:21That was totally aquatic.
09:22Hey, where's Mrs. Mack?
09:24Maybe she drowned.
09:25We better get our story straight.
09:32Look what I found.
09:34Oh, cetaceous.
09:36Well on, Mrs. Mack.
09:38Call me Wanda.
09:41Okay, Wanda.
09:47Let's go, Sue.
09:48Okay, Dad.
09:49A boy named Sue.
09:51What did I do?
09:52How did Mr. Mack sound on the phone?
09:54He was pretty upset.
09:55I'm sorry I got you into all this.
09:57Oh, no.
09:58Tonight was fantastic.
09:59I loved every minute of it.
10:01Except, you know, when the whale ate all those dolphins.
10:12No good church, punks.
10:14Which one of these is yours?
10:16Those two.
10:17Both of them?
10:18That one's my wife.
10:19That one's crashing at my house.
10:21No wonder they don't know right from wrong.
10:24I have to come out here in the middle of the night?
10:26Wake up Carl to watch Zoey?
10:28We said we were sorry.
10:30I'm very disappointed in both of you.
10:32Don't talk to us like we're children.
10:34Well, you're certainly acting like children.
10:36God, Mr. Mack, you sound just like my mom's stupid boyfriend.
10:39Hey!
10:40Not one peep out of you, young lady.
10:44Peep.
10:55Hi, Carl. Thanks for watching Zoey.
10:57Hey, no problem, Daryl.
10:58They're home.
11:00You may want to flip that cushion.
11:03Shelby had a big gulp for dinner.
11:06Why did you bring your kids over?
11:08I wanted to teach them a lesson.
11:10Rodney, Megan, Shelby, take a good look at this picture.
11:13What do you see?
11:14Absence of discipline.
11:16And what else?
11:17Lack of a strong male figure.
11:19Exactly.
11:20Now do you see why I'm strict with you?
11:22Wow, it's all starting to make sense.
11:25Thank you, Daddy.
11:26You're welcome, Princess.
11:27Maybe you should be a little tougher on us.
11:30Now you let me worry about that.
11:33Now let's go home.
11:34Yes, sir!
11:35Thanks for helping me scare them straight, Chief.
11:42So then I get a call in the middle of the night that Wanda's been busted,
11:44and I gotta come bail her out.
11:46Babes behind bars, me likey.
11:48You know, Wanda's always had a wild side.
11:50If she keeps hanging out with our teenage babysitter,
11:52that spark could become a raging inferno.
11:54Ah, women need women friends.
11:57Take my wife.
11:58We used to fight all the time.
12:00Then she started hanging out with this nice gal down the street.
12:03Got her into weightlifting, ladies' professional golf, home repair.
12:07Now I get my Saturday nights to myself
12:09while they lock the door and play board games in the basement.
12:13Yep, we got a perfect marriage,
12:16all thanks to her special friend.
12:21So, going out tonight?
12:23Mm-hmm.
12:24Wanda, I think we need to have a talk.
12:26I know what you're going to say, Daryl,
12:28and you're absolutely right.
12:30I am?
12:31I haven't been acting my age lately.
12:33I'm a wife and a mother,
12:35and what I did last night was wrong.
12:38I'm sorry.
12:39Well, this is a welcome improvement.
12:42Okay, guys, I'm off to the library.
12:44I want to get a jump on next week's homework.
12:47Looks like I'm not the only one benefiting from your guidance.
12:50Just pointing you ladies in a direction you would have found eventually.
12:55Well, Zoe and I are off to Melinda's.
12:57She's hosting a quilting bee.
12:59Don't bee late.
13:04Carl was wrong.
13:05There is a strong male figure in this house.
13:10Zoe is a very lucky little girl.
13:13Grandpa buy it?
13:14Oh, yeah.
13:19I guess even angels can learn a lesson.
13:22Don't tell me this show doesn't have edge.
13:27Hey there, little man.
13:28Could you go get my wife?
13:29Your wife?
13:30Yeah, she's taking part in the quilting bee.
13:32What in Balzac's name are you talking about?
13:35Rodney!
13:36Stop talking to Mr. McPherson
13:37about where his wife may or may not be.
13:39Hey, you know that pie I said you couldn't have any of?
13:42You can have some if you go eat it right now.
13:44Okay.
13:45Now, what can I do for you?
13:48I need to ask Wanda where she keeps the dust buster.
13:50I had a little accident cleaning out the hole puncher.
13:52Oh, she's busy.
13:54Uh...
13:55Quilting?
13:56Yeah, that.
13:57So, uh, you go ahead home and I'll tell her to call you.
14:00But it may take a while because, uh, I phoned her.
14:03Oh, I see.
14:04Okay.
14:05Go ahead home and I'll tell her to call you.
14:07But it may take a while because, uh, our phone is broken.
14:10I'll get it.
14:12Oops, guess somebody fixed it.
14:13Hello?
14:14Oh, now I remember.
14:16I guess so.
14:17She's actually in the bathroom.
14:19Ah, done and done.
14:22Thing of beauty, Mel.
14:23You should have been there.
14:24Mommy, that was Mrs. McPherson.
14:27She wanted to know how the big cover-up was going.
14:31Melinda, what's going on?
14:33Oh, Wanda went out with Busy and her friends.
14:35What?
14:36She asked me to lie for her.
14:37I knew I'd get yelled at.
14:39She's got Zoe with her.
14:40I gotta go find them.
14:43Poor SOB.
14:45So where are we going?
14:47It's a surprise, but I know you're gonna love it.
14:49Yeah, this place is so Wanda.
14:51It's Wanda World.
14:54You're a very lucky little girl.
14:58Name me another mom who's so cool that teenagers like to hang out with her.
15:03You can't.
15:04There isn't one.
15:06Showtime!
15:10Ooh, this is spooky.
15:12Are we gonna sit in a circle and summon spirits?
15:14Hardly.
15:15Witchcraft is so two years ago.
15:19What's this for?
15:20Digging.
15:21Digging what?
15:22Dead people, duh.
15:23We're in a cemetery.
15:24Why would you dig up dead people?
15:26To bury their skulls?
15:27To decorate our lockers.
15:29That's horrible!
15:30Because of the maggots and stuff?
15:31Because it's wrong!
15:33Relax.
15:34I heard there are Polynesian people that build their houses out of bones.
15:39Or something.
15:41I think.
15:42You didn't mind trespassing last night, Ms. Law-abiding McLawstein.
15:46This isn't wrong because it's against the law.
15:48It's wrong because humans don't dig up other humans.
15:52You're putting it down without even giving it a chance.
15:55Everything's subjective.
15:56Who are you to dictate moral absolutes?
15:58Like, whoa!
15:59Deep.
16:00I'm someone who is a lot older than you
16:02and has a much better idea of what is and isn't proper behavior.
16:06You sound exactly like my mom's stupid boyfriend.
16:09Don't you take that tone with me!
16:10But, Wanda!
16:11It's Mrs. Mack to you, young lady,
16:13and there will be no grave robbing tonight!
16:18Come on, Biz.
16:19I want to get some knuckle bones for my keychain.
16:30Wanda?
16:31Daryl!
16:32What's going on here?
16:33They're about to do unspeakable things and they won't listen to me!
16:37Maybe they'll listen to me.
16:40What's he doing here?
16:42When I couldn't find you, I went by Bizzy's house and he asked to come along.
16:45He was at Bizzy's house?
16:46Him?
16:47Drew Carey?
16:48Bizzy?
16:49Are you all right?
16:50Wow!
16:51You know Drew Carey?
16:52I know I'm all right.
16:53He's my mom's stupid boyfriend.
16:55Your mother and I were very worried about you.
16:57Why can't you just leave me alone, Drew?
16:59Because I care about you and I don't want you to make bad choices.
17:02And from the look of those shovels, you were about to make a very bad one indeed.
17:06Hey!
17:07What are you meddling kids doing?
17:09Zoinks!
17:10Like it's the creepy caretaker!
17:12Looks like our little talk will have to wait.
17:13Everyone in the van!
17:17Seatbelts!
17:24Have to learn.
17:31Wow!
17:32I didn't know this thing had so much pickup.
17:34That's the V6 engine.
17:35We've got company.
17:36Hang on!
17:42Daryl!
17:43All this bumping around is upsetting Zoe!
17:45I'll fix that.
17:50It's like floating on a cloud.
17:52All part of the luxury package.
17:54And check this out.
17:55What did you just...
17:57Oh!
17:58Seat warmer?
18:05Now I've got you!
18:08Like yikes!
18:09They're gating on us!
18:11Drew, we're going to hit that gate!
18:13If my calculations are correct.
18:26Curse you, Drew Carey!
18:29Good thing a Freemason was buried near that gate.
18:31Wow, Drew.
18:32Like, how'd you know it'd make it?
18:34I remembered my high school geometry.
18:36Sure, sometimes it was tough hitting the books while my friends were out having fun.
18:39But today I have my own hit TV show.
18:41And what do they have?
18:42Nothing.
18:43See, Drew.
18:44Maybe I have been going down the wrong path.
18:46Glad to hear you say that, Busy.
18:48Remember, without education and values, even a pretty girl can be pretty boring.
18:53This whole thing was my fault.
18:54All because I wanted to be a cool mom.
18:56Well, Wanda, no one can blame you for wanting to get down.
18:59But sometimes it's more important to sit down with your child and set limits.
19:04That's what I try to tell her.
19:05Uh-oh.
19:06Hold on, Daryl.
19:07This all started because you forgot Wanda was more than just a mom.
19:10Remember, to be a mother, a woman has to be a lover first.
19:13Yeah, that's right.
19:15Drew, how did you become so wise?
19:17Well, most TV episodes wrap up with a valuable lesson.
19:20I guess I've been paying attention.
19:22Drew, do you think it'd be okay if I moved back in?
19:26Busy, I think that would be great.
19:31Mr. Carey, could I ask you a question?
19:34Always happy to help the kids.
19:36Like, why is the sky?
19:38Uh, you mean, why is it blue?
19:40No, like, why is it?
19:42Well, that really doesn't make any sense.
19:44You're supposed to be the answer, man.
19:45What's the stupid question?
19:46I bet Frazier would know.
19:48Daryl, you want to take the wheel?
19:49I'm just going to hop out of that strip truck.