Sledge Hammer! S01E10
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TVTranscript
00:00Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
00:30I know what I'm doing.
00:31I know what I'm doing.
00:32I know what I'm doing.
00:33I know what I'm doing.
00:34I know what I'm doing.
00:35I know what I'm doing.
00:36I know what I'm doing.
00:37I know what I'm doing.
00:38I know what I'm doing.
00:39I know what I'm doing.
00:40I know what I'm doing.
00:41I know what I'm doing.
00:42I know what I'm doing.
00:43I know what I'm doing.
00:44I know what I'm doing.
00:45I know what I'm doing.
00:46I know what I'm doing.
00:47I know what I'm doing.
00:48I know what I'm doing.
00:49I know what I'm doing.
00:50I know what I'm doing.
00:51I know what I'm doing.
00:52I know what I'm doing.
00:53I know what I'm doing.
00:54I know what I'm doing.
00:57I know what I'm doing.
01:02I know what I'm doing.
01:03Eating on duty is against hospital rules.
01:06You know that.
01:07Sorry, nurse Robbins.
01:08You should be making your rounds.
01:16There's Robbins!
01:17There's Robbins!
01:18They're gone!
01:19They're gone!
01:20Oh, the baby.
01:21Oh.
01:22This place is swamped today.
01:23I haven't seen so many unhappy faces
01:24since my wedding reception.
01:25Oh.
01:26Oh.
01:27Oh.
01:28Oh.
01:29Oh.
01:30Oh.
01:31Oh.
01:32Oh.
01:33Oh.
01:34Oh.
01:35Oh.
01:36Oh.
01:37Oh.
01:38Oh.
01:39Oh.
01:40Oh.
01:41Oh.
01:42Oh.
01:43Oh.
01:44Oh.
01:46Yes.
01:47Yes.
01:50Yes Commissioner, I'm doing the best I can.
01:55Captain, what's with all these people here today?
01:58Their parents are d'oreaux,
02:00and every one of them is hysterical.
02:02This is a precinct, not an encounter group.
02:05If a man or woman have problems,
02:07they should settle them the way my wife and I did,
02:09with a divorce.
02:10Those civilians out there need our help.
02:14Their newborn babies were abducted last night.
02:17A lot of people out there, Captain. How many infants were involved?
02:20The entire nursery at City General Hospital was cleaned out.
02:23Yeah, talk about robbing the cradle, huh?
02:25Hammer, have you no compassion for what those people are going through?
02:29Of course I do. I have suffered a sense of loss just like everybody else.
02:33I lost my luggage once.
02:36I was torn up about it for weeks.
02:39Well, I'm glad to hear you feel that way, Sledge.
02:42Captain, I request that Hammer and I be assigned this case.
02:45No way. No. Whoa. No. No way. I don't do this.
02:48I'm in homicide. I deal in scum suckers, not thumb suckers.
02:52Captain, who could be behind such a despicable crime?
02:56Obviously a baby-selling ring, Dorot.
02:59The kind of back-alley racketeers that steals babies and sells them to childless couples for exorbitant sums.
03:06Oh, kind of a mom-and-pop operation, huh?
03:09No way. Look, I'm trying to get a handle on this, all right?
03:12I mean...
03:13Come in.
03:15Could someone please help us? We've been here for over an hour.
03:19Oh, I'm sorry. These officers will be happy to assist you.
03:23Yes, we can talk in the office next door, right this way.
03:26Man.
03:27Hammer, I have great trepidation about putting you on this case.
03:31The thought of you coming within five miles of a baby scares the hell out of me.
03:35Me, too.
03:41This is very upsetting.
03:43Yes, I understand.
03:45Now, can you describe... What was your baby's name?
03:49Well, we were just about to find a name, and then he was stolen.
03:56How about Rob?
03:58How about Rob?
04:00I'm sorry. I don't know where my head's at.
04:04Could you describe your baby for me, please?
04:06Daroe have a heart. They hardly had a chance to get to know their kid.
04:10Besides, you've seen one, you've seen them all.
04:13I'll bet even I can describe him.
04:16Small and bald. Am I right?
04:18No. Actually, Inspector Hammer, our boy had fair hair and little eyes like his mother.
04:24Okay. Well, let's sort of move on with this, all right?
04:29Height?
04:31Oh, well, he was about 18 inches long.
04:36Weight?
04:38Six pounds, 11 ounces.
04:40Any distinguishing scars or tattoos?
04:42Hammer, please!
04:44What? Trust me. I know what I'm doing.
04:47You know, I've been putting out a lot of warmth and understanding here, and I've been getting none of it back.
04:52That'll be all. Thank you.
04:54Wait. One last question.
04:56Did your child have any enemies?
04:58Hammer! That's a newborn baby.
05:01Newborn babies don't have enemies.
05:03I did.
05:05Mr. and Mrs. Yates, you have my word.
05:09We are going to find your baby and get him back to you.
05:12That's a promise.
05:23Doro, what are you doing?
05:25Cops can't go around making promises they can't keep.
05:28That right is reserved for the president.
05:30Why are you in such a huff over solving this case?
05:33I don't know.
05:35Maybe it's my maternal instincts coming into play.
05:37Maternal instincts? Oh, it's disgusting.
05:40It is?
05:42I always assumed you were the one who thought women should be barefoot and pregnant.
05:45Are you kidding? I encourage women to wear shoes.
05:49I encourage women to wear shoes.
06:09Hey, ragweed.
06:11This spot is reserved for the handicapped.
06:13Hey, stuff it, buddy.
06:15If I park any other place, it's too far to walk.
06:18Walking is good for you.
06:29I guess now you're going to have to try it.
06:35Dr. Bowman, 304. Dr. Bowman.
06:38We're looking for Levina Robbins, the head nurse around here.
06:41She's through those doors.
06:43You can't go in there.
06:47Excuse me. What are you doing? Who are you?
06:50This is a very private moment.
06:52Not anymore, it isn't. What's going on here?
06:54Hammer, that woman is about to give birth.
06:58Sledge, are you telling me you've never seen a baby being born before?
07:02No, I haven't.
07:04Childbirth is for women.
07:06The baby's coming. I can see him.
07:08Isn't it wonderful?
07:09No, it's awful.
07:11I'm not going to be able to eat lunch for a month.
07:14I demand that the two of you leave this instant.
07:17I'm Inspector Sledge Hammer. I'm here in police business.
07:20I want to talk to you about those missing kids.
07:22Look, I have told the police everything I know.
07:25Hey, you over there, huh?
07:27Would you please keep the baby quiet?
07:29Hammer, be reasonable. It's a newborn baby.
07:32DeRoe, parents have got to supervise their children.
07:35Have you ever been in a movie theater
07:37when one of them dang tykes is wailing over your shoulder?
07:40I'm amazed.
07:41I had no idea that a policeman could be so callous towards an infant.
07:46Well, look who's talking, eagle eyes.
07:48You just let 12 of them slide right out from under your nose.
07:51This isn't a hospital. It's the Bermuda Triangle.
07:54I have been a registered nurse for over 15 years.
07:57My maternity ward has the finest reputation in the city.
08:01Well, speaking personally, I wouldn't have a pizza delivered here.
08:05Nurse Robbins, we are more concerned with recovering the babies
08:09than protecting a reputation.
08:11Do you remember anything at all that could help us?
08:13No, I cannot. I'm not a detective.
08:16Yeah, you're not much of a nurse either.
08:18As far as I'm concerned, this interview is over.
08:22Excuse me?
08:24I have an umbilical cord to cut.
08:27Well, it's about time you cut it.
08:30I got a cousin who's 32 years old
08:32and he's still living with his mother and father.
08:35And I strongly urge you parents
08:37to discipline this child starting today.
08:40Constant spankings are the reason I turned out all right.
08:49Durow.
08:55Durow, come on. Come on, come on.
08:58What are you doing?
09:00Sleeping on the job is for air traffic controllers, not cops.
09:03Sorry, Slid. Been up all night.
09:06Trying to find a line on those missing kids.
09:09Didn't find a thing.
09:12Slid, you made a promise to that Yates couple.
09:15Durow, I told you, don't make promises you can't keep.
09:20You're just lucky my informant, Shy Eddie,
09:22claims to have the link to locating these young'uns.
09:25I'm supposed to meet him in a car wash in half an hour.
09:27I'm coming with you.
09:29Okay, all right. Just whatever you do, don't look at him.
09:36Don't look at him.
09:52Hi, everybody.
09:54Don't look at me!
09:56I didn't say you were gonna bring a date, Sledge.
09:59That happens to be my partner, Dory Durow.
10:02Resist all urges and look at him!
10:04It shouldn't be so hard, lady.
10:06I got a face that even my mother couldn't love.
10:09I have to go to a car wash, Sledge.
10:12Well, this is an inspired idea.
10:14I'm sure nobody could possibly overhear us here.
10:16Yeah, plus I'd never, ever get my car washed.
10:19Okay, Stoolie, what's the story on these missing kids?
10:22Give me my money first.
10:28Sledge, Sledge, your window won't roll up.
10:32That's right.
10:34I just remembered why I never, ever get my car washed.
10:38What?
10:40Don't!
10:42You think we could have done this over the phone?
10:46It seemed like a good idea at the time.
10:48Don't look at me! Just be inconspicuous.
10:51Perhaps you should give us the information you came for.
10:54Sure, sure, just go to the Bayside Adopting Agency.
10:58And do what?
11:00Looks like you got a lot of bucks.
11:02Don't look at me!
11:04No, no, no, don't, don't, don't.
11:14Wait a minute, you didn't hear us about this!
11:21My coat is ruined!
11:23It was supposed to be dry-cleaned, not hot-waxed.
11:26Next move is to check out the Adoption Agency.
11:28Well, that's all right.
11:30I'll just go down and torture him and get him to confess.
11:32Hammer, you can't do that. We have to catch them in the act.
11:35They pose as a married couple with a lot of money
11:37and see if they'll sell us a baby.
11:39Do you think anybody will believe we're married?
11:41They have a tough enough time believing that we're partners.
11:45Now, let's see if I understand you, Mr. and Mrs. Hammer.
11:49You're asking for a fair-haired, blue-eyed infant boy,
11:53approximately 6 pounds, 11 ounces, 18 inches long?
11:58Yeah, that's right.
12:00You see, I won big at the racetrack yesterday,
12:03and I figured either I'd get a new sports car
12:06or a car that I could race in,
12:08and I figured I'd get a car that I could race in,
12:11and I figured either I'd get a new sports car or a kid,
12:14and then I decided on the kid because they need less attention.
12:18He's joking, of course.
12:20Oh, no, hardly the case.
12:22No, my husband and I realize the seriousness of the adoption procedure.
12:25We just hope we're in the right place.
12:28This is the right place for parents we deem eligible.
12:36How's that for eligibility?
12:38Ought to make me father of the year, right?
12:41Mr. Hammer, we don't sell babies. We place them.
12:44Actually, what my husband is trying to say is
12:47we'd like to try and expedite the usual screening period.
12:50We're desperate to have a child,
12:52and he can't father a child himself.
12:58You should be thankful for that.
13:00Look, lady, what is the matter with you, huh?
13:02I got money coming out of my ears,
13:04and you are standing in the way of giving a kid a good home.
13:08You ought to see my place. I mean, I got everything.
13:10I got a hot tub, a barbecue pit, a pool table.
13:14I have a whole large collection of adult films on videotape
13:18and a Doberman that needs a playmate, so what's the problem?
13:21Please leave now.
13:23And there's a stewardess that lives next door who likes a sun-bathed nude,
13:25and I need a little tot to put on my shoulders
13:27to help to steady the binoculars.
13:29Get out!
13:31I wouldn't place Lizzie Borden with you people.
13:34That's okay. I wouldn't take her.
13:36I ordered a boy.
13:40Nice to meet you, Todd.
13:42Well, did I make it clear I had money?
13:44Hammer, this place is legitimate.
13:46Your stoolie's all wet.
13:48Oh, take it easy, Durrell. You want to walk home?
13:50Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Hammer.
13:53I couldn't help overhearing your conversation with Miss Calder.
13:57Why is that?
13:59I was just listening in.
14:01If you two are really serious about getting a baby immediately,
14:06um, here's a name and number,
14:10but it will cost.
14:12You've answered our prayers.
14:14Should we pay you now or later?
14:16Oh, no, I never handle the money personally.
14:19He'll come to your home.
14:21But please, remember to mention my name, Margaret.
14:25That way I'll get my commission.
14:27Don't worry, Margaret.
14:29You'll get what's coming to you.
14:38All right, Durrell, police. Here, come on.
14:40What?
14:41No, you're invading my privacy, all right?
14:43I'm sorry, Sledge.
14:45I couldn't help but notice the picture.
14:48It's my first arrest.
14:50You should have seen the one that got away.
14:53Yeah, well, we better hide it or the baby brokers will know we're cops.
14:56Let's go.
15:02This isn't what I expected at all.
15:04You know, it actually looks like a human being lives here.
15:07Oh, thanks, Durrell.
15:09You know, I can't believe I'm letting a common slimeball into my apartment.
15:13Yeah.
15:14Bad enough that you're here.
15:16That must be that scum-sucking stork now.
15:27Hello.
15:29Shut up, lady. Let's get down to business.
15:31Good. I won't have to serve coffee.
15:33Sit down.
15:37So, you're the two losers who ordered the fair-haired, blue-eyed rugrat?
15:41Yeah, that's right.
15:43We want a wasp. W-A-S-P. A-S-A-P.
15:46You got a bundle of cash, I got a bundle of joy.
15:49What, just like that?
15:51You're just gonna leave a baby in our care?
15:53You don't even know anything about us.
15:55Okay, lady, uh, do you own a TV?
15:58Yes.
15:59Color or black and white?
16:00Color.
16:01That's good enough for me. You're model parents.
16:03That'll be $50,000.
16:05Well, $50,000 is a lot of money.
16:07Give us a little time to think it over?
16:09Hey, I thought you wanted a baby, baby.
16:15Hey, what's with each?
16:17Well, uh, actually, it's, uh...
16:20My husband and I like to play games.
16:24It keeps the marriage exciting.
16:27No wonder you want to buy a kid from me.
16:30Listen, friend, we'd like to get our family started just as soon as possible,
16:33so can I get that money to you tonight?
16:36Fine. I'll call you turkeys tonight with the time and place.
16:40Ciao.
16:54Ciao.
17:18You've got a lot of nerve calling me down here on such short notice.
17:21The hospital was swamped.
17:23What's your trap about the stinking hospital?
17:25Hey, if it wasn't for me risking my neck at that stinking hospital,
17:28you wouldn't have any babies to sell.
17:30Yeah, yeah. Listen, I got a rush job for you.
17:33I got to get the Yates kid back.
17:35I got clients who pay double for a brat like him.
17:37He's got new owners.
17:40What am I supposed to do if they refuse, huh?
17:42Repossess him. I don't give a damn what it takes.
17:44Just get him back.
17:47Right now, I clearly see there's nothing remotely human about you.
17:50Yeah, well, that's why Mom liked me best.
17:52Not true!
17:55She hated us both.
17:59Jeez.
18:01It wasn't easy putting this kind of cash together on such short notice, you two.
18:05You know what happens if you lose this money?
18:08The mayor has to skip lunch?
18:10The risk is worth it, Captain.
18:12It's for the lives of innocent children.
18:16Hammer,
18:18I don't want you to let this briefcase out of your sight for one second.
18:21You understand?
18:24You've made your point, sir.
18:28Hammer, the briefcase!
18:46How many times do you have to count it? It's all there.
18:49$50,000.
18:51Look, we kept our end of the bargain. How about yours?
18:55Don't push me, Mama.
18:57You'll have your baby soon enough.
18:59In the meantime, you want some refreshments?
19:02We got strained pears, strained prunes, applesauce.
19:05How about some pablum?
19:06We didn't come here to eat.
19:08Look, let's just get this over with, all right?
19:10Hog breath.
19:14Couldn't get the Yates kids back from the...
19:16Cops!
19:18Who are the police?
19:20Nurse Robbins. I knew you were behind this.
19:23When did you figure it out?
19:25You walked in just now.
19:29She's mine, Hammer!
19:49I've got to be quiet.
19:52I don't want that scum to hear me.
20:08My favorite target, the sitting duck.
20:19No!
20:30Face it, Nurse Robbins. You'll never get away from me.
20:33Give yourself up right now.
20:49Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
20:53Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
20:55You're finished, little lady!
20:57Ha, ha!
21:04Yeah!
21:08Yes!
21:10Oh!
21:19So much for your pyramid scheme, huh?
21:26Why, you...
21:31Get away from me, you witch!
21:33Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
21:49You call that a kick?
21:53By the time you mutants are out of jail,
21:55those kids will be grandparents.
21:57You're the most disgusting act since Donnie and Marie.
22:00Now, where are those children?
22:02I ain't talking like me with my lawyer.
22:04Would you prefer to meet your maker?
22:06Hey, lighten up, palsy. You'll get them all back.
22:08It's all in the files.
22:10All right, come on.
22:12Hammer, aren't you forgetting something?
22:14Oh, yeah. Well, we'll rough them up in the car.
22:16Oh!
22:18The money!
22:20Ah!
22:26Hammer.
22:28Delro, in spite of my reservations
22:30about assigning one of you to this case,
22:33I'd like to commend you for recovering all the kidnapped babies.
22:36You don't have to thank me, Captain.
22:38I made a promise.
22:40I really wouldn't have been able to do it without Hammer's help.
22:43Enough endorsement.
22:45Excuse us, Captain.
22:48We just wanted to thank Detective Delro
22:50and Inspector Hammer personally.
22:52Inspector, we are so grateful.
22:54We want to name our baby after you.
22:56What is your first name?
22:58Sledge.
23:00Sledge.
23:02Maybe we'll just send you a fruitcake, right, honey?
23:04Yes. Would you like to hold him?
23:06No. No.
23:08Oh, I know you would.
23:10These things make me uncomfortable.
23:12Oh, honey, take a snap for our album.
23:14No, no, not really. I'm uncomfortable.
23:20Get this kid out of town.
23:40Oh, yeah.