Sledge Hammer! S01E03
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TVTranscript
00:30Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
01:00Don Philip, your accountant is here.
01:16Oh, send my dear friend in.
01:19Sam Steinway, it's so good to see you.
01:33I love you just like a brother.
01:36Godfather, business is off 70%.
01:40Kill him.
01:41But, Godfather, I've always been loyal to you.
01:45Show compassion.
01:46I will.
01:48After I kill you, I'll send your children through college.
01:51Wait, it isn't my fault.
01:55Somebody else.
01:57One person's to blame for all this.
02:01Inspector Sledgehammer.
02:02He's single-handedly putting a stop to crime in this city.
02:11I want a contract on this Sledgehammer's life.
02:15One million dollars.
02:17One million dollars on anyone who can lower the hammer on hammer.
02:21A million dollars?
02:23Isn't that a little high?
02:26A special, this week only.
02:28But every hitman in the city will be taking shots at him.
02:31Hey, that'll create a sense of competition.
02:33That's healthy.
02:34That's America.
02:36I want this Sledgehammer for the rest of his life to be dead.
02:45Oh, did I have a dream last night.
02:53It was about you.
03:14It was about you.
03:44It was about you.
04:00There you go.
04:02Morning edition is a little thick today, isn't it, Fred?
04:05That's because they've gone and made 62 new horoscope signs.
04:09Now, how am I going to put this under my arm?
04:12I can't put this under my arm.
04:14Look at this.
04:15How many sections is this?
04:16Wisteria.
04:17I wonder if I got that.
04:24So take it easy, Frankie, huh?
04:26Have a good day, Sledge.
04:27Same to you.
04:30How's the coffee this morning, Vicki?
04:32Same as usual, Sledge.
04:34What are you?
04:35Hey, watch your sea legs, mutant.
04:39Hey, uh, you know what time it is?
04:41Yeah, it's about.
04:47I got to start drinking decaf.
04:49I got to start drinking decaf.
04:52I got to start drinking decaf.
04:53I got to start drinking decaf.
05:24I don't believe it.
05:25How did you get here?
05:26That's a stupid question, Dorot.
05:28How did I get here?
05:29Will you just tell me?
05:31Well, it's basic biology.
05:32My mother and father were in love,
05:33and then one night they got together.
05:34I'm talking about how you got to the station.
05:36Don't you know there's a price on your head for this?
05:43I understand you're a marked man.
05:45Word on the street is that there's already
05:47been an attempt made on your life.
05:50Cut the wisecracks, Hammer.
05:52There's a million-dollar price tag on your head.
05:54Look, Captain, this is somebody's idea of a joke.
05:56The Shriners are probably behind this.
05:58Shut up, Hammer.
05:59You've got a very short fuse, you know that?
06:01No, I mean, you go off at the...
06:03Hammer, shut up!
06:05Oh!
06:06Hammer, do something.
06:08Here.
06:10Just let go!
06:11I don't want to!
06:12I don't want to!
06:13I don't want to!
06:14I don't want to!
06:15I don't want to!
06:16I don't want to!
06:17I don't want to!
06:18I don't want to!
06:19I don't want to!
06:20Get out of the way!
06:21Hammer!
06:22Get the fuck...
06:23If you just give it to me...
06:25Don't throw it to me!
06:26Throw it out the window!
06:28Get out of the way!
06:32Ah!
06:34Hammer, get a move on!
06:36Hammer, if you just give it to me...
06:38Throw it out the window!
06:39Hurry up!
06:40Hurry up!
06:41We're gonna die in here, Hammer!
06:42We're gonna die in here, Hammer,
06:44if you don't throw it out the window!
06:45Smash it out!
06:46Smash it out!
06:47Hurry up!
06:48Break it!
06:49Come on, Hammer, harder!
06:50Break it!
06:51Come on, you weakling!
06:54Hammer, don't break the window!
06:56Hammer, don't break the window!
06:57Don't break the window!
06:59Don't break...
07:02Give me that drill!
07:05Eat the fish!
07:17I wonder why they didn't go off.
07:19Well, while you were busy breaking the window,
07:21I extinguished the combustible in a liquid compound.
07:24Simply put, I dunked it in the coffee.
07:28Ah-ha.
07:31Ah-ha, so...
07:33So the, uh...
07:34Hammer.
07:35Well...
07:36Hammer, it has always been dangerous having you around.
07:42But now, this whole town has become a shooting gallery.
07:49I'm sending you out of town until this all blows over.
07:53Well, Captain, I'm touched.
07:55I had no idea you cared so much about my personal safety.
07:58I don't.
08:00I care about my safety!
08:02Do you understand what I'm saying to you?
08:04Well, actually, if you wait just a minute,
08:06I was hoping on taking some rest and relaxation next month.
08:09Uh, two weeks in Beirut.
08:11Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!
08:17Lenny, this is ridiculous. I don't need a police escort.
08:20Captain's orders.
08:22I'm taking you to a motel outside town.
08:24We hide state witnesses.
08:26Well, I don't know what the hurry is.
08:28I barely had time to pack my bazooka.
08:33Well, you haven't said much for the last four hours.
08:37What's on your mind, Lenny?
08:39A lot.
08:41How's it went with the kids?
08:43Funny you should bring that up, Hammer.
08:45It's been real tough.
08:47Make ends meet on my salary.
08:49You know how hard it is.
08:51I'll tell you.
08:52The department hasn't given us a pay hike in two years.
08:54I hear you.
08:55Dang mortgage.
08:57I'm probably going to lose my house.
08:59Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Lenny.
09:01Not as sorry as I am, Hammer.
09:04Oh, Lenny, what are you doing?
09:06Oh, no, Lenny, what are you doing?
09:09Try and understand, Sledge.
09:11I got 12 kids.
09:13That's a lot of mouths to feed.
09:15I need all the money I can get just to put them through school.
09:17And I'm done with the 12 kids.
09:19I'm spending what's left on myself.
09:21There's a condo in Florida I want to buy.
09:23I need cable TV, a new car.
09:26And a vasectomy.
09:34Go!
09:36Ahh!
09:56♪♪
10:04♪♪
10:10♪♪
10:20♪♪
10:30♪♪
10:36Miss Mastino.
10:38It's all right.
10:40I can take him.
10:42♪♪
10:48Yee-haw!
10:50Ah! Whoa!
10:53Ah!
10:54That's painful.
10:55Why'd you believe me?
10:59Where am I?
11:00Who are you people?
11:01Hey, haven't I seen you on oatmeal boxes?
11:04We are simple folk, at peace with the earth.
11:07Our only needs are to work and to be happy.
11:11Oh, you're yuppies, right?
11:15No, we are not yuppies.
11:18We are many notes.
11:21I be Jacob, and this be my daughter, Isadora.
11:26Well, I'm Inspector Sledgehammer, and this be my gun.
11:32We do not appreciate weapons in our house, stranger.
11:37Are you kidding?
11:38What do you mean you don't appreciate weapons?
11:40What are you, commies or something?
11:43Perhaps you should take leave.
11:46You be far from the city here.
11:49As a matter of fact, Pops, if you don't mind,
11:52I'd like to stick around.
11:53You see, I gotta lay low for a while,
11:55and this looks to me like it's about as low as I can lay.
11:58Oh, please, Father.
12:00May he stay for a time?
12:03Nein, he's not good, no.
12:05He's the builder, he's the stalker.
12:07But, Father, as an Andermunter king.
12:10Oh, schatzi.
12:11Father.
12:13So be it.
12:14But you must make yourself useful and do chores.
12:18Chores?
12:20What chores?
12:22Milk the cow.
12:25What?
12:26Milk the cow.
12:29What do I know about milking a cow?
12:40I'm ready if you are.
12:43Easy, easy, easy.
12:49All right, little lady.
12:51I want that bucket filled with milk, and I mean pronto.
13:28There you go.
13:59Oh!
14:17It's all right.
14:19He needed sleep.
14:29I'm sorry.
14:31I couldn't help but notice the beauty of your form.
14:38Hi.
14:40Oh!
14:42Oh!
14:43Oh!
14:44Oh!
14:45Oh!
14:46Oh!
14:47Oh!
14:48Oh!
14:49Oh!
14:50Oh!
14:51Oh!
14:52Oh!
14:53Oh!
14:54Oh!
14:55Oh!
14:57Oh!
15:00Say, you wouldn't happen to have a phone around here, huh?
15:03A phone?
15:06Dorothy Rowe here.
15:07It's me, Hammer.
15:08Sledge, where in the world are you?
15:10Captain Trump thought the worst happened to you.
15:12Why did he think the worst?
15:14He said optimism.
15:16All right, listen.
15:18I'm alive and well, and I'm living in a many-note community.
15:22Many-note?
15:24And I'm gonna hang around here for a while till things cool off back home.
15:27Sledge, look, do you think it's wise calling me here?
15:30This phone might be tapped.
15:31Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
15:34There's no way this line could be tapped.
15:37The wiretap on DeRoe's line paid off, Godfather.
15:40Hammer's hiding in a many-note community outside town.
15:48That stinking cop still alive?
15:51He's proved difficult to kill.
15:54Go take a couple of my boys and ice Hammer once and for all.
15:58Me? I'm an accountant. What do I know about killing?
16:01You kill people every day.
16:07Bring me back Sledge Hammer's body in a box.
16:13That's an order.
16:24Tell me, Sledge Hammer, what is the big city like?
16:28It's difficult to describe, really.
16:31But if you ever do get to town, why, let me know?
16:35Because there is this great, topless bar.
16:37I mean, these chicks, I mean, unbelievable. I mean, whoa!
16:40Our worlds, our worlds are so different.
16:43Why don't you stay here and live for good?
16:47Me? You must be kidding. Come on, now.
16:50You will find peace here.
16:52Here there is no conflict,
16:54no tension,
16:56no pain.
16:59Oh, my goodness!
17:01Are you all right?
17:23I've never been with a man before in that way.
17:31Neither have I.
18:22Oh!
18:46Either I'm deaf or I'm out of bullets.
18:50Isadora, have you seen my overnight bag?
18:53I gotta find it.
18:55Children!
18:59Children! What had happened?
19:02Get yourself and your daughter the hell out of here.
19:05You watch your language.
19:10Boy, you picked a good time to be running on empty.
19:20Let's knock this bozo out.
19:30Oh, my hair! Ow! What are you doing?
19:33Shut up! Shut up!
19:35What are you doing?
19:43Isadora, what is it? Do we see?
19:45Sledgehammer said he packed some possessions.
19:49Father!
19:51I have found it!
20:04No! No!
20:06No!
20:08Oh, shut up!
20:10My sword!
20:12It's a trap!
20:15It's a trap!
20:21No offense, sir, but you don't look like a hitman.
20:25I'm not. I'm a certified public accountant.
20:29I've heard of career changes, but this takes the cake.
20:32Listen, pal, for a million dollars, I'd become a male nurse.
20:38So long, hammer.
20:45No!
21:00I thought violence was against your way of life.
21:02Hey, this is the 80s.
21:08All right, geek, who are you?
21:10And who's the tapeworm that put a price on my head?
21:13No, sir. He offered the money to anyone who brings you to him.
21:17In a box.
21:21Isadora, keep these skunks in a holding pattern.
21:24Where is it you go with?
21:26I got to make a special delivery.
21:28C-O-D.
21:30D-O-A.
21:32A-O-K.
21:34Don't confuse me.
21:37Godfather, this just came for you.
21:44Maybe it's those new cufflinks I just ordered.
21:48Come on, open it up.
21:52Sledgehammer is dead.
21:55Once and for all.
21:58Oh, yeah?
22:01Welcome to my resurrection.
22:14Arrest those men.
22:17Wow. A million dollars.
22:20Bet you're glad no one's collecting that money.
22:22What are you talking about, Dorot?
22:24Look, I delivered myself, didn't I?
22:26This money is mine.
22:28And I'm gonna put it to good use, too.
22:30Hammer, you can't keep that money.
22:32We need it for evidence for the trial.
22:34I'm not gonna press charges.
22:36But why?
22:38Because I've settled out of court.
22:44I came back to present you with this token...
22:47of my gratitude.
22:49It is not necessary.
22:51Son of a...
22:53biscuit.
22:55Father, I have never seen so much money.
22:58Well, what are you folks gonna do with it?
23:00Uh, we will rebuild our farmhouse,
23:03buy livestock,
23:05replant our fields,
23:07and then buy something called...
23:10a Porsche.
23:13A Porsche.
23:21Will I ever see you again?
23:23Only if you make the ten most wanted list.
23:27Kinda unlikely, right?
23:43Go with God, Sledgehammer.
23:47Obey the penal codes.