Sledge Hammer! S01E06
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TVTranscript
00:30Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
01:01Hey, buddy, I told you three times...
01:04there's no smoking permitted in this area.
01:09Stuff it, cop.
01:11Why don't you make me put it out?
01:13I can smoke any time I want to.
01:22Not when it's against the law.
01:24Personally, the only kind of smoking I approve of...
01:27comes from the barrel of a gun.
01:31Hammer, you came within an inch of that man's face.
01:34I know.
01:36I must be pulling to the left.
01:39Hammer, I just got a call from the school board.
01:42It seems they've got a problem...
01:44Wait, wait, wait. Aren't you gonna yell at me...
01:46for shooting a cigar out of that guy's mouth?
01:48What's the point?
01:50It's using psychology on me.
01:52As I was saying, the board just called.
01:56It seems they've got a problem with gangs...
01:58at one of the schools in our district.
02:00It is total chaos over there.
02:02The kids aren't learning anything.
02:04The teachers are afraid to come to work.
02:06It is utter hell.
02:07How's the food?
02:08Hammer, I'm talking about Lloyd H. Langrum Memorial High School.
02:11I've heard of Langrum High. When did it become memorial?
02:14About ten minutes ago.
02:16Now, the board is asking for help...
02:18from one of our law enforcement officials.
02:20And they've specifically requested you, Hammer.
02:23Now, wait a minute.
02:25I don't want a babysit for some wimpy, runny-nosed zit faces.
02:29Haven't they tried any alternatives?
02:31What about that Straighten Out program...
02:33where convicts warn youths about prison life?
02:35They brought prisoners in to speak at the school last month.
02:38The kids aided them in making an escape.
02:41Oh.
02:42Now, these animals are violent, destructive...
02:44and they have no respect for authority.
02:47Don't worry, Captain.
02:49I won't be suckered in by their virtues.
02:51Besides, we're talking about kids here.
02:53I mean, how bad can they be?
03:10Hey, dude! That's our spot!
03:13Move! Get out!
03:16Shoot!
03:24I never thought of that.
03:41Daddy, we're leaving.
03:43I should book check it.
03:54Go! Get him!
03:58Get him!
04:21I don't think it'd hurt you to miss lunch today, porky.
04:28Teacher!
04:33I will not talk in class.
04:44Well, good.
04:46I'm glad to see some attempt at discipline around here.
04:49Oh, no.
04:51They're making me write this 100 times.
04:54What? What kind of teacher are you?
04:56I forget. I haven't taught in years.
04:58But they do bring me an apple every day.
05:06I've seen enough.
05:19Good morning, boys and girls.
05:21Now I'd like everybody to take a seat.
05:24Pronto.
05:30All right, you in the back. Come on, sit down.
05:32Okay. Anything you say.
05:35Out!
05:40All right, listen up. I'm Inspector Sledgehammer.
05:43And this is my gun.
05:45Another cop? We had a SWAT team in here yesterday.
05:49Hey, Fox.
05:51I'm Turk.
05:53Hey, Turk.
05:55I'm Detective Dorrie Durrell.
05:57Baby, you ain't nothing to me but a badge and legs.
06:02Yeah!
06:07Hey, truant.
06:09You're late.
06:11Hey, give me a break, all right?
06:13I had to jump bail to get here.
06:16Son, that's no excuse for tardiness.
06:19My old lady didn't wake me up, all right?
06:21Your mother? No.
06:23My old lady.
06:25You think you're tough, don't you?
06:27You want to go through puberty again?
06:35Okay. Just take a seat.
06:38Junior slimeball.
06:40Whatever you say.
06:45All right, listen up.
06:47You kids have been getting away with murder.
06:49I ain't getting away. I did two years.
06:52Yeah. Yeah.
06:54It's time you students got a little education.
06:57Now, I may not read a criminal his rights,
07:00but at least I know how to read.
07:02Yeah? What's your favorite book?
07:04War and Peace.
07:06The first half.
07:13Where do you think you're going?
07:15The track.
07:17The track team?
07:19No, I got a bet on the fifth race.
07:21Well, class isn't over yet, ragweed.
07:23It is for us. We run this school.
07:25Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
07:27I'm gonna shake you guys down for weapons.
07:29By your ankles! Hammer!
07:31Hammer, you can't do that. Adolescents have special rights.
07:33They're underage.
07:35You mean I have to wait until he's 18
07:37before I throw him off a roof?
07:39Oh, I'm almost finished.
07:41Will you stop that?
07:43Oh.
07:45Hammer, what's going on at that school?
07:47You've made over $1,000 in requisition.
07:49What's all this stuff for?
07:51Hey, I had to get some teaching aids.
07:53You know.
07:55Sledge, I did a check of the license plates
07:58of that limo we saw at the school.
08:00Vehicle's registered to a well-known racketeer
08:02named Ralph Roscoe.
08:04Ralph Roscoe.
08:06Probably a visitor for career day.
08:10I went there first.
08:12Hey, knock it off!
08:14Look, I was in here.
08:16I'm telling you.
08:18Hello, boys.
08:20Hello, Mr. Roscoe.
08:22Looking nice today.
08:24Hey, car's all ready.
08:26Good. Here's your remuneration.
08:28What's that?
08:30Didn't you learn anything in school today?
08:32No.
08:34Good. Keep it that way.
08:36A cop named Sledgehammer
08:38came to speak to our class today.
08:40Sledgehammer?
08:42The flaky cop who yak-yaks to his gun?
08:44That's right. We told him to take a hike.
08:46You're good boys.
08:48Just like your old pal Whitey here.
08:50He's my driver now.
08:52I can always use smart boys
08:54like you in my organization.
08:56Okay. Thank you, Mr. Roscoe.
08:58Yeah, man!
09:00Hey, what the hell?
09:02Maybe some of you junior scum can't read,
09:05so I'll tell you what the sign says.
09:07Principle.
09:09I bet with a little running start
09:11we can flatten this flatfoot.
09:13I wouldn't back up if I were you.
09:15Oh, yeah?
09:17Hey, what the...
09:19Damn!
09:21What's with you?
09:23Oh, I'm sorry.
09:25I was blocking the sign.
09:27If you'd have...
09:29I don't know where my head is at.
09:31Move it.
09:33Come on.
09:35Watch out.
09:37Good morning, greaseheads.
09:41Before you enter the class,
09:43I'm gonna search you for weapons.
09:45Not without cause.
09:47You're never gonna know
09:49whether we got weapons or not.
09:51You can't lay a finger on us.
09:57What's this?
10:03All right, teen vermin.
10:05Empty your pockets right here.
10:07Come on, let's see it.
10:09Come on!
10:21Must have lost 30 pounds, butterball.
10:27What's this?
10:29I don't know.
10:31Empty your pockets, butterball.
10:33All right, hold it, creep.
10:37Oh, I'm sorry.
10:39I'm sorry, miss.
10:41You know, once those are removed,
10:43you'll find your teeth are good and straight.
10:45Orthodontics is good.
10:47Go ahead.
10:55All right, attention, miniature misfits.
10:57I am your substitute teacher.
11:01Mr...
11:05Hammer.
11:07Ooh, I gotta clip my nails.
11:09Hey, where's our regular teacher?
11:11He took an easier assignment.
11:13As a janitor at Chernobyl,
11:15you have impeded the learning process
11:17for the last time.
11:19You are now going to learn something.
11:21We're gonna start with the basics.
11:24We're gonna start with the basics.
11:31That's not how you spell it.
11:35Today...
11:37you...
11:39die!
11:45Maggot!
11:47Now, that's the way you threaten somebody, with good grammar.
11:49All right.
11:51Let's move on to the evolution of mankind.
11:58Modern man.
12:02Caveman.
12:04The missing link.
12:09Turk!
12:11Can you prove you're a homo sapien?
12:15I'm normal!
12:17I know plenty of girls.
12:19That's it, Hammer! I ain't taking no more of you!
12:21You're pretty big with a gun!
12:23How are you with your fists?
12:25Don't expect that sweet talk
12:27to gain you any brownie points.
12:29Tear him apart, Turk!
12:31Come on, Turk!
12:33Remember, you can't touch me.
12:35I'm a student.
12:37You keep this up, Turk,
12:39and you're gonna be a shoe-in for class clown.
12:41Well, at least you're learning to dot your I's.
12:44Thanks for cleaning off my desk, Turk.
12:46You're becoming a regular little teacher's helper.
12:52Nobody...
12:54makes a fool...
12:56of Turk.
12:58Too late.
13:00It's already happened, kid.
13:02Get him, Turk!
13:14Come on, Turk!
13:16Hey, Turk!
13:18Come on, Turk!
13:25I'm gonna get that guy.
13:27Turk, maybe we should just let it be.
13:29He is a cop. Cop or no cop.
13:31He's dead meat.
13:36There's no doubt about it, Captain.
13:38That's Roscoe and his thugs
13:40leaving the grounds of Langram High.
13:42Good work, Doro.
13:44Why is Roscoe running a car ring
13:46out of a high school?
13:48Cheap labor.
13:50Where have you been, Hammer?
13:52I expected you two hours ago.
13:54I had to take the bus.
13:56Bus? What were you doing on the bus?
13:58Where's your car?
14:00It disappeared, okay?
14:06Somebody stole Hammer's car.
14:09Well, don't worry.
14:11I got a pretty good hunch where it is.
14:13The deucers have graduated to auto theft.
14:15Hammer, yours isn't the first car they've stolen.
14:18They're working for Roscoe.
14:20Give up on those kids.
14:22Doro, I'm surprised at you.
14:24Your instincts are usually so...
14:26nurturing and caring.
14:28Hammer, they're rotten apples.
14:30They're hopeless.
14:32Hopeless? Yeah?
14:34Well, I knew another kid that was hopeless.
14:36He made it tough on everybody in school.
14:38He was a bully, so busy proving how tough he was,
14:40he didn't care what he did to anybody.
14:42He ran the school ground.
14:44He disrupted the classroom.
14:46And I suppose you took care of him.
14:48No. You see, that bully was me.
14:50But I learned a lesson.
14:52If someone gives these kids
14:54the proper guidance,
14:56they can do wrong for the right reasons.
15:01Can...
15:03All right, forget it.
15:05No, just forget it. I'll take care of it myself, all right?
15:07I don't need your help.
15:09I don't need anybody's help!
15:15Doro, could you give me a ride to the school?
15:18Because...
15:20a kid stole my car.
15:29Did you have a nice walk this morning, Inspector?
15:31Poor Hammer.
15:33I remember how bad I felt
15:35when my mom's car was stolen.
15:37Oh, yeah? How long did it take you to give it back,
15:39you onion-sucking pizza face?
15:41Not here, Turk.
15:43Oh, listen, maggot,
15:45you still got time to straighten out.
15:47Don't you see that?
15:49You can be good people on the side of bad
15:51or bad people on the side of good.
15:53Or bad on the side of bad
15:55or good on the side of good.
15:57The choice is clear.
15:59Hammer, you're weird.
16:01All right, get your stuff together.
16:03We're taking a little field trip down to the precinct.
16:05Hey, we can't go.
16:07We ain't got no notes from our mothers.
16:09No problem. You're all under arrest.
16:19Welcome to the precinct, fellas.
16:23Now, you can just sort of think of this
16:25as a kind of a club med for scum.
16:31Come on, cops! Try to lock me up!
16:33I want to kill people!
16:37What's wrong with him?
16:39Too much caffeine.
16:41Hammer, we don't have time for a guided tour around here.
16:43Those delinquents will see the inside
16:45of this precinct soon enough.
16:47Get rid of him.
16:49That's my boss, Captain Trunk.
16:51Now, you see how much he cares?
16:53Okay, Hammer, we're real impressed.
16:55Can we go now?
16:57Look, let's just get right down to it.
16:59Now, I got you guys pegged.
17:01You like shoving people around?
17:03You like driving crazy?
17:05Well, why not get paid for it?
17:07Consider a career in law enforcement.
17:11Us? Cops?
17:13Cops is jerks.
17:15Jerk? No, look, you don't understand.
17:17You eat free in restaurants.
17:19You never have to stop for a red light.
17:21You get to meet lots of interesting people
17:23and put them in a chokehold.
17:25Spare us, Hammer.
17:27We got our own career plans.
17:29Yeah, I know about your career plans.
17:31You think you got a future with Roscoe?
17:35That's right.
17:37I know about him.
17:39I know a lot about him.
17:41And he's cheating you guys.
17:43What are you talking about?
17:45Duro?
17:49Roscoe.
17:51His assets include Swiss bank accounts,
17:53luxury condos in Maui,
17:55and the upcoming plot lines on Dallas.
17:59He gets you to steal a car for $500,
18:01then he turns around and sells it for $5,000.
18:03Yeah.
18:05You're some smart guys, all right.
18:07Can we leave now?
18:09I gotta go to church.
18:11It's my turn to steal the collection plate.
18:17You kids will never learn.
18:19You know what we just learned,
18:21Mr. Roscoe?
18:23You've been cheating us.
18:25We ain't no dummies, you know.
18:27You're dealing with the deucers.
18:29We don't need you. You're out.
18:33Guess we got an education
18:35from Hammer after all.
18:41Hey, this is the first time
18:43we ever stripped a cop car.
18:45What color should we paint it?
18:47Yellow.
18:49Yellow? Yeah.
18:51Well, well, if it isn't
18:53Turk and the deuces.
18:55Mr. Roscoe.
18:57I told you,
18:59our business with you is finished.
19:01But my business with you isn't.
19:07All right, boys, lock all the doors.
19:11Nobody, but nobody cuts me
19:13out of the action.
19:15It sets a bad example.
19:17Then I have to make an example.
19:19For example, you.
19:23Boys.
19:25Against the wall. Come on.
19:27Move it.
19:29Wait a minute. Mr. Roscoe, what is this?
19:31St. Valentine's Day
19:33is gonna be a little early this year.
19:35Turk, do something.
19:37Look, Mr. Roscoe,
19:39can't we have another chance?
19:41Forget it, Turk. I was gonna get rid of you
19:43and your gang sooner or later anyway.
19:45I can always find
19:47some other dumb kids to work cheaper for me.
19:49But you said you could always use us.
19:51And we are.
19:53We're gonna use you for target practice.
19:55Maybe we should have listened to Inspector Hammer.
19:57Shut up!
19:59Let him have it.
20:03Hold it, Roscoe!
20:05These kids are under
20:07my personal supervision.
20:09It's Sledgehammer!
20:11Waste him!
20:18Huh?
20:22That's seven years' bad luck.
20:26Honey!
20:30Didn't I tell you kids
20:32it would lead to this, huh?
20:36Didn't I?
20:38Yeah, yeah, you told us.
20:40See how exciting police work can be?
20:42Run!
20:49Oh, no!
20:51You see?
20:53See the fun I'm having?
20:58Now, where else can you get paid
21:00for work like this?
21:03It's more than a job.
21:05It's an adventure.
21:09Get out!
21:13He's over there!
21:15I know!
21:37Look out, Hammer!
21:43Looks like he wants to play chicken.
21:45What are the rules of chicken?
21:47First one to turn away is chicken.
21:49I love a challenge.
21:51Competition always brings out the best in a person.
21:53But Roscoe's got a car, and you don't.
21:55He cheats at everything.
21:58Aren't you afraid of dying?
22:00I don't know.
22:02I've never tried it before.
22:04I guess this is my final exam.
22:06Well, if I don't pass,
22:08it's goodbye, Mr. Chicken.
22:10It's goodbye, Mr. Chips.
22:26Sorry, pal.
22:28Joy ride's over.
22:31All right, book him on car theft,
22:33racketeering, and a failure to yield the right of way.
22:41I was scared, Hammer.
22:43I was really scared.
22:45I mean, you was right all along.
22:49I was only acting tough,
22:51because inside I was...
22:53I was afraid.
22:55Hey, hey, hey, hey.
22:57Enough vulnerability.
23:02I'm taking your advice, Officer Hammer.
23:04When I graduate, I'm enrolling in the police academy.
23:07I'm gonna be a police officer.
23:09Just like you.
23:11I wouldn't mention this to Captain Trunk.
23:13For now, the least we could do
23:15is put your car back together for you.
23:17Show him, boys.
23:20Well, that's a nice gesture.
23:22Isn't that nice, Hammer?
23:24Darn it.
23:26Now, what have you do-gooders done to my car?
23:29What's the matter?
23:31It looks nice for once.
23:34It just doesn't feel right.
23:36There's something missing.
23:39Let's go.
23:50That's better.
23:52You know, Hammer, I think you're right.
23:55Wasn't there a dent here?
23:59Thank you, Darole.
24:01Now, that's me.
24:05Yes, I thought so.
24:09¶¶ ¶¶
24:39¶¶ ¶¶