Adventures of a Taxi Driver (1976) | Comedy, Crime
A British sex comedy film directed by Stanley Long and starring Barry Evans, Judy Geeson, and Adrienne Posta. The movie follows Joe North, a sex-obsessed taxi driver in London, as he navigates his daily life and encounters various women.
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:30I'd like to take a ride with you
00:00:33Don't want to be tied to you
00:00:37I promise I'll try my very best
00:00:41To please you darling
00:00:44You know that there's more of me
00:00:48There's things you can share with me
00:00:51So take my tip
00:00:53And we could skip formalities
00:00:57Won't you be my cruisin' Casanova
00:01:02Click your fingers and I'll be over there
00:01:06Smoothin' your hair, smoothin' your cares away
00:01:11There's no profusin' Casanova
00:01:16Stop the clock and we're workin' overtime
00:01:20Cruisin' Casanova, be mine
00:01:25Taxi driver, love me
00:01:29Taxi driver
00:01:43Every major international city
00:01:45has that most popular means of transport
00:01:48The taxi
00:01:49That unique brand of conveyance
00:01:52Which combines efficiency with individuality
00:01:55Perhaps most popular for the personal service it provides
00:02:02Enthusiastic, hard-working, with never a moment's rest
00:02:06Probably the taxi driver's most lovable attribute
00:02:09is the warm welcome he is always eager to extend
00:02:13to foreign visitors
00:02:16The moment you hail a taxi
00:02:18you can be sure of being greeted by a friendly smile
00:02:21a concern for your well-being
00:02:23and someone at the wheel always ready to lend a helping hand
00:02:44There are at present literally millions of taxis
00:02:47operating throughout the world on a 24-hour basis
00:02:52Ensuring that at any time, day or night, within seconds
00:02:56you can be speeding happily away to the destination of your choice
00:03:02Renowned for their total lack of prejudice
00:03:05a taxi will stop for anybody
00:03:07irrespective of colour, class or creed
00:03:16Adored by the public for their whimsical charm
00:03:19and delightful disposition
00:03:21perhaps more than any other form of public transport
00:03:24the taxi driver holds a unique place in the hearts of the people
00:03:28Not least his fellow road users
00:03:30who appreciate to the full that quiet, courteous patience
00:03:34that affable, friendly manner
00:03:36that consideration for his fellow motorists
00:03:39with whom he is always ready to exchange a friendly wave
00:03:42and some merry little quip
00:03:45But possibly more than anything else to his credit
00:03:49the taxi driver bears the distinction of being a driver of knowledge
00:03:53experience and efficiency
00:03:55reassuring all who drive with him
00:03:57that the taxi is not only the safest vehicle on the road
00:04:00but holds the proud record for being involved in the least number of accidents
00:04:06Without a doubt, we the public owe much to these gallant knights of the road
00:04:12of whom it can truly be said
00:04:14everything we feel for them
00:04:17they feel for us
00:04:35That'll be seventy-five, Gav
00:04:45Thank you
00:04:50Thank you very much
00:04:52Well, you try smiling when you've been lumbered with a miserable tight-fisted git like him
00:04:57after you've fought through all the bleeding traffic
00:04:59and had him moaning on at you like it was all your fault
00:05:06Sorry about that
00:05:08Been a bit of a bad day, know what I mean?
00:05:10By the way, my name's Joe
00:05:12Well, with a name like that, I had to go in the cabbing business, didn't I?
00:05:15Been at it a year or so now
00:05:17Got me own cab
00:05:18Well, almost
00:05:19As soon as I finish paying for it
00:05:21Yeah, it's not such a bad job, really
00:05:23Hard work, but then so's anything these days
00:05:25Not that I mind
00:05:27Got me health and strength, know what I mean?
00:05:29Mind you, I'll be a lot happier when I get me own place
00:05:32Trouble is, you see, I live at home
00:05:34You need a bit of peace and quiet after doing this job
00:05:37And living at home, no joke, I can tell you
00:05:40Oh, yeah, makes a great start to the day
00:05:44Oh, come on, Mum, I'm late as it is
00:05:47Well, it's your own fault
00:05:49Coming in here last night, pissed us anew
00:05:51Crashing about all over the place and waking me up
00:05:54Lay off, Ma, will you?
00:05:56Do us a favour
00:05:57You're getting more like your father every day, you are
00:06:00And you're going to end up like him, mark my words
00:06:03And where were you last night?
00:06:05Out screwing some poor innocent little girl, I suppose
00:06:08Just like your father
00:06:10Don't make me laugh, you hardly knew him
00:06:12You only met him once
00:06:14Don't talk like that in front of the baby
00:06:16Woke her up and all, didn't he, my dear little pet?
00:06:21More consideration
00:06:23Twice I met him, twice
00:06:26Give me him!
00:06:28Mummy will give you something nicer than that to play with
00:06:31There's a good little girl
00:06:34Well, are you going to sit staring at that all day or are you going to eat it?
00:06:37I don't feel like eating, look, just give me a cup of tea, will you?
00:06:40Oh, I don't know why I bother, I really don't
00:06:43I mean, food is wasted just as though it costs nothing
00:06:46All right, all right
00:06:47Tell it's burning, porridge better smell
00:06:52Oh, it's all right, just at the bottom
00:06:54The top's all right
00:06:57I don't like porridge!
00:06:59Yes, you do, it's lovely
00:07:01It's porridge, porridge, porridge!
00:07:03Shut up!
00:07:05Now look what you've done
00:07:07You know it makes her cry
00:07:09All right, I'll give up, that's it, bloody hell
00:07:11I'm late as it is
00:07:13Where's me fares, good man?
00:07:14Oh, in the cupboard
00:07:20Oh, my God, that little tyke's been thieving again, hasn't he?
00:07:25Where is he?
00:07:26Peter, come in here!
00:07:28Peter!
00:07:29And he's like his father and all
00:07:31Wind up in the same cell with him, I shouldn't wonder, the way he's carrying on
00:07:35Peter!
00:07:36How am I supposed to get to sleep in all this racket, yeah?
00:07:39So, where's the fire then?
00:07:40Over here, come here
00:07:42Look, what have you got to say about all this lot then?
00:07:45Good gear, isn't it?
00:07:46I mean, it's not rubbish, is it?
00:07:48You said you got a proper job
00:07:50Well, I have
00:07:51I mean, I'm doing it proper now, aren't I?
00:07:53Been working very hard at it and all
00:07:55I've got a sharp little organisation together
00:07:57You're going to get us all into trouble one of these days
00:07:59I mean, anyone could just walk in
00:08:01Yeah, and all that lot lying there
00:08:03Not to mention 20 cartons of hairspray I found hidden under me bed
00:08:07Fell off the back of a lorry, didn't they, Mum?
00:08:09You're going to end up in the nick with ten years ahead of you
00:08:11Peter's going in the nick! Peter's going in the nick!
00:08:14Why can't you get an honest job for once?
00:08:16What, like driving a cab?
00:08:18Leave off
00:08:19Anyway, that's no more than bleeding highway robbery
00:08:21So what are you doing, telling me to go straight?
00:08:23Oh, choice! I like that
00:08:27Just don't ask me to bail you out, that's all
00:08:32It's your funeral
00:08:47What did I tell you, eh? It's always like that
00:08:49Makes it a pleasure going to work in the morning
00:08:57I tell you what would cheer me up, is to pick up a nice bit of crumpet
00:09:00Very handy for introductions, this motor
00:09:02Very handy for introductions, this motor
00:09:32Think it on, Mum, with me, forget the rest
00:09:36I'd like to test your driving style
00:09:40Won't you be my
00:09:42Cousin
00:09:44Casanova
00:09:46Click your fingers and I'll be over there
00:09:50Smoothing your hair, soothing your cares away
00:09:55There's no refusing
00:09:58Casanova
00:10:00Stop the clock and we're working overtime
00:10:04Cruising Casanova
00:10:06Be my
00:10:08Casanova
00:10:16Where to, darling?
00:10:17Lambeth Bridge, please
00:10:19Right you are, then
00:10:31Nice morning, innit? You off to work, then?
00:10:34Yeah, I thought so, I can usually tell
00:10:37Ah, being in this job, you have to be a bit of a psychologist
00:10:40What do you do for a living, eh? Now don't tell me, let me guess
00:10:43I'd say you're a secretary, right?
00:10:46Personal secretary to some oil magnate, eh?
00:10:49Really high-powered
00:10:51Don't let appearances fool you
00:10:53You'll be a right little ray for this one when it gets going
00:10:55Got a lovely little body on her, too
00:10:57No mistake
00:10:59Looks a bit miserable, though
00:11:01I know what she needs, right?
00:11:03That's another thing I can tell
00:11:05Whether a bird's had a good seeing to or not the night before
00:11:09I reckon that one's had a right thin time of it lately, don't you?
00:11:13Born in London, were you? Now don't tell me, let me guess
00:11:16I'd say, judging from your accent, that you're from somewhere up north, right?
00:11:20Yes, I can usually tell
00:11:22Somewhere like Liverpool, maybe
00:11:25Yeah, Liverpool, I'd say
00:11:28She's weakling, what did I tell you, eh?
00:11:30Oh, yes, definitely softening up
00:11:32Stands out a mile
00:11:34Which side of the bridge, love?
00:11:36The middle
00:11:37The middle? Right then, middle it is
00:11:52That'll be, um...
00:11:53Here, hang on
00:11:54Hey, hang on a minute, darling
00:11:56What about my fare?
00:12:08Go away and leave me alone, please
00:12:10Just leave me alone
00:12:11But I never laid a finger on you
00:12:13What's the matter with you?
00:12:14Jesus Christ, I only want me bleeding fare
00:12:16Look, if you haven't got it, there's no need to panic
00:12:18I mean it, don't come any closer
00:12:20All right, all right, I'm going, I'm going
00:12:22You don't care, do you?
00:12:24Nobody cares
00:12:25Eh?
00:12:26No one will even notice I'm dead
00:12:27All right then, if that's the way it is, I'll jump now
00:12:30Oh, my God
00:12:31Don't try and stop me, it's too late
00:12:33My mind's made up
00:12:35No, wait, don't do it
00:12:37Pain, the suffering will only end when the icy waters close over me
00:12:41Carry me away into oblivion
00:12:43Funny bird
00:12:44Dreamless sleep of eternity
00:12:46Darling, why don't you tell me about it?
00:12:47I mean, I don't pretend to understand, I've only just met you, haven't I?
00:12:50But you know what they say, right?
00:12:51A trouble shared is a trouble aft
00:12:53And all I can say is, well, it seems to me a terrible waste
00:12:55A beautiful girl like you trying to do away with herself
00:12:58What do you say, eh?
00:12:59I mean, nothing's ever that bad, really
00:13:01Not when you come down to it
00:13:02It's too late for talking now
00:13:04Oh, please, darling, try, eh?
00:13:06I'm all alone in the world
00:13:08No one loves me, no one cares
00:13:10You don't know what it's like to be left alone
00:13:12Unloved, unwanted
00:13:14Hold on, I don't believe it
00:13:16A beautiful girl like you and no one wants to know
00:13:18Listen, I could love you
00:13:20I mean, the first time I saw you, I said to myself
00:13:22Now there's a girl I could really love
00:13:24There was a man, once
00:13:26I thought he loved me
00:13:28Oh, Ronald, Ronald
00:13:29Watch yourself, you fool
00:13:31He's never coming back
00:13:32I'll never see him again, never
00:13:33I want to die
00:13:34I can't face life without him
00:13:36Oh, Ronald, Ronald
00:13:40Phew
00:13:41I can't even kill myself properly
00:13:43I'm a failure at everything
00:13:45No, you just need cheering up, that's all
00:13:47Look, you've had a nasty shock, right?
00:13:49Why don't I take you home, eh?
00:13:51Where do you live?
00:13:52Do you really think I'll ever be able to forget Ronald?
00:13:54Of course you will, with a bit of help
00:13:56I need love, you see, that's what I need
00:13:58Lots of loving
00:14:00Well, I did just save her life, didn't I?
00:14:03I mean, the way I look at it, it's an offer I can't refuse
00:14:06And strong arms, strong arms to hold me
00:14:08Hold you?
00:14:09It's like trying to undress a bloody octopus
00:14:11I don't want you to think I'm promiscuous
00:14:13just because you caught me at a weak moment
00:14:15Oh, I don't, I don't
00:14:17Look, just lift up a bit, will you?
00:14:19It's just that without Ronald I feel so helpless
00:14:21Oh, I don't know, you seem to be doing all right
00:14:23I wish he was here right now so he could see
00:14:25Oh, I don't
00:14:28Linda!
00:14:29It's Ronald
00:14:31Ronald?
00:14:35Oh
00:14:36You got it all wrong, mate
00:14:37It's not like that at all
00:14:39I mean, I've just brought her back in my cab, you see
00:14:41And you're just collecting the fare, that right?
00:14:43Yeah, no
00:14:44You mustn't get it wrong
00:14:47I didn't dare leave her
00:14:49She was going to do herself in
00:14:51Throw herself off Lambeth Bridge
00:14:53Well, that makes a change
00:14:55Let's see, what's the score now?
00:14:57Westminster twice, Blackfriars, London Bridge, Tower Bridge
00:15:00And that's only in the last few months
00:15:02Well, how was I supposed to know?
00:15:03I mean, she was in a terrible state
00:15:05Said you'd left her
00:15:06And you did
00:15:07You just walked out without saying goodbye
00:15:08And you slammed the door
00:15:09Cover yourself up, will you?
00:15:10That's typical, that is
00:15:12Most of the time you want me to uncover myself
00:15:14That's different, that's when I'm with you
00:15:15Well, you're with me now
00:15:16So what's different?
00:15:17Admit it
00:15:18You only want me for my body
00:15:19Oh, Linda, don't be so ridiculous
00:15:20I'm not being
00:15:21You think you can treat me how you like
00:15:22As if I've got no feelings
00:15:24Now, you know that's not true
00:15:25Oh, calling me a liar are you now?
00:15:27Not content with only wanting me for my body
00:15:28I'm a liar as well
00:15:29I didn't say that
00:15:30Um, excuse me
00:15:31I knew it
00:15:32I just knew it
00:15:33You don't love me anymore
00:15:34Of course I do
00:15:35You wouldn't say such things if you did
00:15:37Look, I don't want to interrupt anything
00:15:38Look, if I didn't love you
00:15:39How the hell could I have put up with you?
00:15:40How the hell could I have put up with you for so long?
00:15:41I said, I don't want to interrupt
00:15:42Look, don't just mind your own business
00:15:43Keep your nose out of this, mate
00:15:44I've got to go to work sometimes, you know
00:15:46Without you thinking I'm leaving you
00:15:47And threatening to commit suicide
00:15:49You drive me to it
00:15:50You're so
00:15:51You're so cruel to me, thank you
00:15:53Oh, don't be so stupid
00:15:54You're sick, that's your trouble
00:15:56Oh, yes
00:15:57That's always your attitude
00:15:58You never think
00:15:59And you still haven't remembered
00:16:01Remembered what, for heaven's sake?
00:16:03It's my birthday
00:16:05So what's important about a birthday?
00:16:06It's very important
00:16:07You have one every year
00:16:08Come on, you've got a
00:16:10It's very important to have a birthday
00:16:22It's going to be one of those days
00:16:24I just know it
00:16:28I'd like to take her out
00:16:29And push her under a bus
00:16:30Don't you talk about your little sister like that
00:16:33I won't have it
00:16:34Sister?
00:16:35She's not even human
00:16:37Look at that lot
00:16:38A bleeding tan of soap powder ruined
00:16:40Do you know how much money she's lost me?
00:16:42And when I'd done a deal on it
00:16:44Knocked myself out and set it up
00:16:46Well, no one asked you to bring it in here, did they?
00:16:48Cluttering up my kitchen
00:16:49Well, I want it out
00:16:51Just get rid of it
00:16:52Do you hear me?
00:16:53Oh, yeah
00:16:54Now, what am I supposed to say?
00:16:55Like, listen, mate
00:16:56About that soap powder
00:16:58I did have it, see
00:16:59But it sort of vanished
00:17:00Sorry about that
00:17:01Or how about my little sister
00:17:02Decided to decorate the house with it
00:17:04Oh, they're going to love that
00:17:06After they've picked themselves up
00:17:07Off the bloody floor laughing, of course
00:17:08Joe, Joe
00:17:09You just tell him, will you?
00:17:10Just tell him to get rid of it
00:17:12No, no
00:17:13I've had as much as I can take
00:17:14I washed my hands of the whole bleeding lot of you
00:17:16That's it, as far as I'm concerned
00:17:19Why don't you get rid of the stuff you've already got
00:17:21Before you bring more in?
00:17:23It's getting so
00:17:24That I can't even move around me own house
00:17:26What's all that gear doing in my bedroom?
00:17:28I'll bring her bloody little neck so up me, I will
00:17:30Heda
00:17:31Little monster ought to have been put down at birth
00:17:33What?
00:17:34Heda
00:17:35What?
00:17:36What? I want to know what all that...
00:17:38Oh, never mind, forget it
00:17:41And where do you think you're going, Sonny Jim?
00:17:44I've got a nice little job for you
00:17:46First, dump it
00:17:49Oh, Ma, where?
00:17:51That is your problem, not mine
00:17:54And mind you, bring that bucket back
00:17:58Where do you think you're going with that?
00:18:00I told you, I'm leaving
00:18:01Oh, I see, just walking out and leaving me to cope
00:18:04A fine son you turned out to be
00:18:07Just like your father, whoever he was
00:18:10Here, what am I supposed to tell Carol when she comes?
00:18:13Well, you can tell her to...
00:18:15Hello, love
00:18:16Hello, love
00:18:17Carol, be steady
00:18:18Bit of a drag
00:18:19Got wedding bells in her ears
00:18:21I'm sorry
00:18:22I'm sorry
00:18:23I'm sorry
00:18:24I'm sorry
00:18:25I'm sorry
00:18:26Got wedding bells in her ears
00:18:27What are you doing with that, then?
00:18:29He's clearing off
00:18:31Walking out on his responsibilities
00:18:33That's what he's doing
00:18:34Oh, no
00:18:35No, I'm sure Joe wouldn't do a thing like that without telling me, would you, Joe?
00:18:38Yes, I would
00:18:39I've had enough
00:18:40I'm clearing out
00:18:41I've had enough
00:18:43Oh
00:18:44Oh
00:18:45I expect I'll see you later, then
00:18:47Joe?
00:18:48Joe?
00:18:49Joe Knowles, you come here
00:18:51Come here
00:18:52Do I comprehend the situation correctly?
00:18:55Are you leaving home?
00:18:56Dead right
00:18:57Without a word to me or even a bye or leave?
00:19:00It's got nothing to do with you
00:19:02You mean it's got nothing to do with me?
00:19:04I happen to be your fiancée
00:19:06And fiancées have a right to know these things
00:19:08So where are you going?
00:19:09I don't know
00:19:10What do you mean you don't know?
00:19:12Well, I just told you I don't know
00:19:14You can't just leave home and not know where you're going
00:19:16Well, as soon as I find somewhere, I'll get in touch, all right?
00:19:19Well, when's that, then?
00:19:21How should I know tonight, tomorrow, as soon as I'm settled in?
00:19:24You're not going to take me out tonight?
00:19:25How can I? I don't know where I'll be
00:19:27Gone with the wind
00:19:29What?
00:19:30That's what you were supposed to take me to
00:19:32Gone with the wind
00:19:33Oh, come on, you must have seen it ten times
00:19:35Eleven
00:19:36What with that and Lady and the Tramp every year at Christmas
00:19:38It's enough to drive anyone up the wall
00:19:40Well, you don't have to come
00:19:41I mean, nobody's forcing you to
00:19:43I mean, you don't have to care if I'm on my own
00:19:45Probably being molested in the back row
00:19:47Oh, come on, who's going to molest you?
00:19:49Lots of people, if I let them
00:19:51Anyway, you always do
00:19:53Yeah, well, I've got to find something to do, haven't I?
00:19:55Gone with the wind, it's a long film
00:19:56Well, if you won't take me to the pictures
00:19:58Why can't I come with you and help you find somewhere to stay?
00:20:01Carol, I'll be all right
00:20:03Supposing you're moving in with another woman?
00:20:06Oh, leave off, Carol
00:20:08Well, how am I supposed to know?
00:20:10Look, I'll ring you, all right?
00:20:12You see, if you would have told me you were leaving home
00:20:14I could have done the same
00:20:16And then we could have moved in together
00:20:18And got married before I originally planned
00:20:20Yeah, well, I'll ring you
00:20:22See, if you wouldn't mind hanging about for a bit
00:20:24I could belt home and start packing straight away
00:20:26I know, look, um...
00:20:2820 minutes, 15 at the outside if you took me back ahead
00:20:30Carol, I haven't got time for all this
00:20:37What is the matter?
00:20:38Do you not want to live with me anymore?
00:20:40Course I do, it's nothing to do with that
00:20:42Well, you wouldn't think so the way you go on about it
00:20:44You know, you'll have to get used to it once we're married
00:20:47Look, what's up with you?
00:20:48Don't you trust me or something?
00:20:50Quite frankly, no
00:20:51Charming
00:20:52Well, it's just that I don't like to think of you being unfaithful
00:20:55Especially as I spent all my savings last week buying my engagement ring
00:20:59Have I ever been unfaithful to you?
00:21:01No
00:21:02Have you ever caught me with another woman?
00:21:04No
00:21:05Have you ever caught me, when I've been out with you, even looking at another woman?
00:21:10No
00:21:11Well, there you are then
00:21:12You've got nothing to worry about, have you?
00:21:15That is besides the point
00:21:17Remember, a penny saved is a penny not spent
00:21:22What are you going on about?
00:21:24Do not put all your balls in one basket
00:21:27That is what I'm trying to say
00:21:29You see, if I caught you reclining in the embrace of another woman
00:21:34Do you know what I would do?
00:21:36I would chop it off
00:21:39Look, you can trust me
00:21:41As soon as I find somewhere, I'll ring you, alright?
00:21:44Well, I thought I was coming with you
00:21:46What?
00:21:47Well, that's what we agreed
00:21:49Yeah, well look, you go home and pack your things
00:21:52Yeah
00:21:53And then as soon as I find somewhere
00:21:54Yeah
00:21:55I'll see you later
00:22:00I haven't finished yet
00:22:17Tom, Tom, you about?
00:22:20With you in a minute
00:22:25Joe, how are things?
00:22:27Oh, not so bad
00:22:28Er, mind if I carry on?
00:22:30Busy, I see
00:22:31Ah, not bad
00:22:33Still got your picture gallery then?
00:22:35You dirty old bastard
00:22:38Well, I'll see you later
00:22:39Yeah, see you later
00:22:40Bye
00:22:41Bye
00:22:42Bye
00:22:43Bye
00:22:44Bye
00:22:45You dirty old bastard
00:22:47Make good dartboards
00:22:48Should see how my aim's improved
00:22:50Here, pass that grease gun, will you?
00:22:54So
00:22:56How's the cab business then?
00:22:58Oh, mustn't grumble
00:23:03Thing is, I er
00:23:05I did want to ask you a favour, mate
00:23:08Oh yeah
00:23:09Yeah, er
00:23:11You know that flat you've got upstairs?
00:23:13Yeah, what about it?
00:23:15Well, it's got two bedrooms, right?
00:23:17Just about, yeah
00:23:18Yeah, well, I've got this problem, see
00:23:20Like, I've got to find somewhere to live
00:23:22And er, well, seeing as how we're mates
00:23:24I mean, I'd help towards the rent and that
00:23:26Listen, Joe, any time
00:23:28You know that
00:23:29Unfortunately, it's not that simple
00:23:31I mean, if you'd asked me a couple of weeks ago, no problem
00:23:33But the trouble is, I've got a lady living with me at the moment
00:23:35Don't tell me you need two beds
00:23:37You must be slipping
00:23:38No, no, no, it's not that
00:23:40Look, Joe, I'll be straight with you
00:23:42You know women
00:23:43You never know how they'll react
00:23:44I mean, well, Nicky's a nice lady, but
00:23:46Well, she does work odd hours
00:23:48Yeah?
00:23:49Has its advantages, I suppose
00:23:51Yeah, well, I wouldn't ask
00:23:52Er, if I wasn't really desperate
00:23:54Just till I get something else fixed up
00:23:56All right, all right
00:23:57Just for a couple of weeks
00:23:58Till you find somewhere
00:23:59Yeah
00:24:00Is this a private party, or can anyone join in?
00:24:03Hello, talk of the devil
00:24:06I'll say this for Tom
00:24:07He certainly knows how to pick them
00:24:08I mean, he's obviously a bit of class
00:24:10Probably an air hose test or something like that
00:24:12This is Nicky
00:24:13She's a stripper
00:24:15Well, it can't always be right, can you?
00:24:17Joe's coming to stay with us for a while
00:24:20Oh, nice
00:24:21When?
00:24:22How about now?
00:24:23You weren't kidding, were you?
00:24:26Well, I don't believe in hanging about
00:24:27Once me mind's made up
00:24:28You, er
00:24:30Planning on staying long, then?
00:24:32Well, just till I get myself sorted out
00:24:34Find a nice little place to live
00:24:36Oh, if you hear of anywhere that's going
00:24:38Not too expensive
00:24:39Oh, yeah, sure
00:24:41She fancies me
00:24:42I can tell
00:24:43I could pull this one
00:24:44Dead easy, no problem
00:24:46I expect you're like me
00:24:48Work odd hours
00:24:50Yeah, I do a bit
00:24:52I suppose that means we won't
00:24:54See a lot of each other, then
00:24:56If I see a quick one before I go
00:25:00Oh, er
00:25:01No, thanks
00:25:02Better get out and earn some money
00:25:04Like me to drop you off?
00:25:05Oh, yeah, great
00:25:07Save me getting a cab
00:25:09Yeah, I could definitely make it with her
00:25:11But I think I'd better put in a bit of hard graft
00:25:13Earn myself some money
00:25:14Yes, that's what I'm going to concentrate on for a bit
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00:32:01Music
00:32:20Oh Jimmy
00:32:21Music
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00:32:24Music
00:32:25Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Joe, oh, darling, you're fantastic.
00:32:44But I haven't even got my trousers off yet.
00:32:47Oh, Joe.
00:32:55What a scene that was last night. Makes you wonder whether it's all worthwhile, doesn't it?
00:33:20Just got to deliver this parcel. Should be fairly straightforward.
00:33:23Well, I don't think I can take any more excitement. Not for a while.
00:33:36Mrs. Devere Barker. Parcel for you.
00:33:40Oh, hmm. Bring it in, would you?
00:33:43Oh, if you'd just like to pop it down over there. I daren't touch it, you see. It's my nails.
00:33:57It's your what, love?
00:33:58Nails. Tropical green, number three.
00:34:02Very exotic.
00:34:04The second they're dry, I'll be able to pay you. Only I just daren't touch anything while they're like this.
00:34:08No, it's all right. You just stand there and dry off. I'm in no hurry.
00:34:12Oh, you wouldn't like a drink while you're waiting, would you?
00:34:15No, thanks. I'm driving. But thanks all the same.
00:34:17Oh, not even a cold beer? Something like that?
00:34:19Well, I wouldn't mind a beer, actually.
00:34:21Oh, do help yourself.
00:34:28Actually, darling, you couldn't do me a large Campari and soda, could you, while you're there?
00:34:33Yeah. A large one.
00:34:37Yes, please.
00:34:39Say when.
00:34:40I never do.
00:34:47Oh, be an angel, would you, and just slip it between my lips.
00:34:51Oh, the glass. Yes, of course.
00:34:57Sorry to put you to all this inconvenience.
00:34:59Don't mention it.
00:35:00It's just I always seem to get caught out when someone arrives.
00:35:03It's just I always seem to get caught out when someone arrives.
00:35:06Yesterday, it was the television repairman.
00:35:09The day before, it was the plumber.
00:35:11And as for the window cleaner, well, every time he comes now, I seem to be in the bath.
00:35:16I see.
00:35:17Oh, you wouldn't be an angel, would you, and undo it for me.
00:35:24It's for a dinner tonight.
00:35:26My husband's in cement.
00:35:28Oh, must be uncomfortable for him.
00:35:30It's a presentation dinner, you see.
00:35:32So I thought I'd wear green to go with my nail varnish.
00:35:36Very nice.
00:35:38Seems to be all right now.
00:35:40You're not in a rush, are you?
00:35:42It's just I'd like to try it on to make sure it fits.
00:35:46No, no, of course not.
00:35:48Oh, good.
00:35:56Chum calf, this, innit?
00:35:58Must cost a packet.
00:36:00I bet she does and all.
00:36:02Make yourself at home, won't you?
00:36:04I shan't be long.
00:36:06What about her, then?
00:36:08Bit of all right?
00:36:10Shan't be long.
00:36:11My husband's in cement.
00:36:13Bloody hell.
00:36:25Have you lost something?
00:36:29Balls.
00:36:31They fell off.
00:36:33Never mind.
00:36:35You couldn't give me a hand with a zip, could you?
00:36:38It seems to be stuck and I don't want to break a nail on it.
00:36:41These birds and their zips.
00:36:44Jesus.
00:36:46It's a bit stiff.
00:36:48It won't be the only thing if she carries on like this.
00:36:51Yeah, see what you mean? It is stuck, isn't it?
00:36:54Maybe if you pull it.
00:36:56That had crossed my mind.
00:36:58Have you done it?
00:37:00Yeah, I think so.
00:37:01Seems a bit loose.
00:37:03Oh, look at that. Just look at it.
00:37:05Just so typical of today's workmanship.
00:37:07That's the last dress I shall buy from there.
00:37:10Yeah, disgraceful.
00:37:12Now, what shall I do?
00:37:20Well, it was the only thing I could think of, wasn't it?
00:37:26I don't know.
00:37:56MUSIC PLAYS
00:38:16Another satisfied customer.
00:38:18And the dress did fit, after all.
00:38:20Six pou...
00:38:22I suppose I can't really ask her to be fair now.
00:38:26ENGINE ROARS
00:38:46Promise that Nicky I'll pick her up from the club.
00:38:49Mustn't be late, in case she sets that snake on to me.
00:38:52Is it the one, I think?
00:38:55ENGINE ROARS
00:39:15MUSIC PLAYS
00:39:17Oh, by, they go.
00:39:19Twelve beautiful girls, do everything.
00:39:21All naked, and they dance.
00:39:24Hey, where do you think you're going?
00:39:26Inside.
00:39:27Not without pay, no?
00:39:28Oh, I'm not going in. Not to see the show.
00:39:30I'm just picking up Nicky, that's all.
00:39:32Yeah, you and a few others.
00:39:34No, honest, I'm a cab driver. Look, my cab's just outside.
00:39:37Yeah, it could be anyone's.
00:39:39Look, if you think we're all going to go and adventure without paying,
00:39:42you've got another thing coming here.
00:39:43I'm telling you, I'm only here to collect Nicky.
00:39:45I mean, do us a favour, mate.
00:39:46I'll give you my licence number, if you like. You can check it.
00:39:49I know all the taxi drivers around here, mate.
00:39:51I don't know your face.
00:39:52Well, that's because I don't normally do this patch.
00:39:54I'm only here to collect Nicky.
00:39:55I live in the same flat as her, see?
00:39:59Oh, look, the one who went to bed with Monty.
00:40:02Oh, God.
00:40:05Oh, no, by accident, was it, or did you need the help?
00:40:09Oh, get out of here.
00:40:12Help.
00:40:22Help.
00:40:27Help.
00:40:52Help.
00:40:59Joe, would you mind hanging on just a minute?
00:41:01I've just got to nick back and get Monty.
00:41:03No rush.
00:41:04OK.
00:41:23OK?
00:41:24What?
00:41:25Are you coming or not?
00:41:26Well, if you're not quite ready, I don't mind.
00:41:52That's Helga.
00:41:53Oh?
00:41:55You can put your eyeballs back in.
00:41:57I've invited her for supper tonight.
00:41:59Foreign, is she?
00:42:01No.
00:42:03She's a nun from Scunthorpe.
00:42:05Come on.
00:42:12It was lovely, Nicky.
00:42:13Mm.
00:42:14Oh, it was nothing special.
00:42:15Oh, I enjoyed it.
00:42:17Now what?
00:42:18Oh, I've got some yoghurt in the fridge.
00:42:20No, I meant, what shall we do now?
00:42:21You decide.
00:42:22Why don't we play a game, hm?
00:42:24What about strip poker?
00:42:30Oh, come on, it might be fun.
00:42:32What do you say, Tom?
00:42:33No.
00:42:34He doesn't want to play.
00:42:35Oh, come on, just for a giggle.
00:42:37Got any cards?
00:42:38Cards?
00:42:39Um, no.
00:42:42Well, how about spilling the bottle instead, hm?
00:42:48OK.
00:42:51Well, I think I'll read my book.
00:42:55You can always play strip Ouija board if you prefer.
00:42:57Ouija board, Ouija board?
00:42:59Let's spin the bottle.
00:43:21Oh, come on.
00:43:22Come on.
00:43:23Come on.
00:43:24Come on.
00:43:25Come on.
00:43:26Come on.
00:43:27Come on.
00:43:28Come on.
00:43:29Come on.
00:43:30Come on.
00:43:31Come on.
00:43:32Come on.
00:43:33Come on.
00:43:34Come on.
00:43:35Come on.
00:43:36Come on.
00:43:37Come on.
00:43:38Come on.
00:43:39Come on.
00:43:40Come on.
00:43:41Come on.
00:43:42Come on.
00:43:43Come on.
00:43:44Come on.
00:43:45Come on.
00:43:46Come on.
00:43:47Come on.
00:43:48Come on.
00:43:49Come on.
00:43:50Come on.
00:43:51Come on.
00:43:52Come on.
00:43:53Come on.
00:43:54Come on.
00:43:55Come on.
00:43:56Come on.
00:43:57Come on.
00:43:58Come on.
00:43:59Come on.
00:44:00Come on.
00:44:01Come on.
00:44:02Come on.
00:44:03Come on.
00:44:04Come on.
00:44:05Come on.
00:44:06Come on.
00:44:07Come on.
00:44:08Come on.
00:44:09Come on.
00:44:10Come on.
00:44:11Come on.
00:44:12Come on.
00:44:13Come on.
00:44:14Come on.
00:44:15Come on.
00:44:16Come on.
00:44:17Come on.
00:44:18Come on.
00:44:19Come on.
00:44:20Come on.
00:44:21Come on.
00:44:22Come on.
00:44:23Come on.
00:44:24Come on.
00:44:25Come on.
00:44:26Come on.
00:44:27Come on.
00:44:28Come on.
00:44:29Come on.
00:44:30Come on.
00:44:31Come on.
00:44:32Come on.
00:44:33Come on.
00:44:34Come on.
00:44:35Come on.
00:44:36Come on.
00:44:37Come on.
00:44:38Come on.
00:44:39Come on.
00:44:40Come on.
00:44:41Come on.
00:44:42Come on.
00:44:43Come on.
00:44:44Come on.
00:44:45Come on.
00:44:46Come on.
00:44:47Come on.
00:44:48Come on.
00:44:49Come on.
00:44:50Come on.
00:44:51Come on.
00:44:52Hello, I'm Carol.
00:44:53Carol Hotchkiss, Joe's fiancée.
00:44:55I expect you've spoken of me.
00:45:00Which is his room?
00:45:03That one?
00:45:05Thank you, dear.
00:45:08Carol, listen, I can explain.
00:45:14It's the third house along, on the right. Number 42.
00:45:21Right you are. Do you want a hand with those?
00:45:25Would you? Oh, thank you.
00:45:44You can just put them down here.
00:45:51Oh, that's all right. I don't mind carrying them in for you.
00:45:53That's very kind of you.
00:46:02I can't find my key.
00:46:04Are you sure? Perhaps it's in your bag loose.
00:46:07I'll try.
00:46:15It's not there.
00:46:18What about pockets?
00:46:20I haven't got any. What am I going to do?
00:46:23Perhaps you could go to a neighbour's till your husband gets home.
00:46:26He's away on a business trip. I can't even get hold of him.
00:46:30Don't you have a spare somewhere?
00:46:32Yes, of course.
00:46:33Oh, well then.
00:46:34It's inside.
00:46:35I thought you might have one under a flowerpot or something.
00:46:37Harold. That's my husband.
00:46:39Harold's nervous about burglars getting in.
00:46:42Very well, but how do I get in?
00:46:44I could try to climb in, I suppose.
00:46:46But you have to help me. You will, won't you?
00:46:49I can't leave a lady in distress, can I?
00:46:54Let's see if there's a window open somewhere.
00:46:56Oh, there won't be one of those.
00:47:43Thank you.
00:47:47You will be careful, won't you?
00:47:49Safe as houses, darling.
00:48:00Are you all right?
00:48:03What's happened?
00:48:05Are you all right?
00:48:07Say something, please!
00:48:09What's happening up there?
00:48:14I didn't know what had happened to you.
00:48:16I called and called, but you didn't answer.
00:48:18Are you all right?
00:48:20Yeah, I think so.
00:48:21Look, you go down and I'll open the front door.
00:48:23I can't. I'm stuck.
00:48:25What do you mean, stuck? Just go back down the way you came.
00:48:28I can't.
00:48:29I'll tend it down. I'll fall. I'm frightened of heights.
00:48:32Look, it's quite simple.
00:48:34I can't move. I'm scared.
00:48:36All right, then. Go back down the way you came.
00:48:38Help me.
00:48:40All right. Now, don't panic. You're quite safe.
00:48:42Just do as I say, OK?
00:48:44Now, put one hand on the next rung up.
00:48:46Go on, one more.
00:48:48Now the other one.
00:48:50Keep going. You're OK. I'm watching you.
00:48:52Up a bit. No, down just a little.
00:48:54Now in, towards the wall.
00:48:56I can't move. I'm scared.
00:48:58All right, then. Go back down the way you came.
00:49:00Help me.
00:49:02Down a little. Now in, towards the wall.
00:49:04That's it.
00:49:06Go on. You're doing fine. Come on.
00:49:08It's all right. You're nearly there.
00:49:10That's it.
00:49:12Now, give me a hand.
00:49:14Lovely.
00:49:16You're doing wonderful.
00:49:18There you go.
00:49:20You're there.
00:49:22Through the window.
00:49:26Oh, you're all wet.
00:49:28Oh.
00:49:30Oh, I should have warned you.
00:49:32I'm sorry. I completely forgot.
00:49:34And, of course, that's why I left the window open.
00:49:36Let the smell of paint out.
00:49:38Oh, and look at your clothes.
00:49:40They're covered in it.
00:49:42You have to let me wash them for you.
00:49:44You can't go out like that.
00:49:46Oh, well, that's very nice of you to offer.
00:49:48Well, I think the least I can do is clean your clothes
00:49:50and give you a bath, don't you?
00:49:54I do like hearing
00:49:56lovely ones, don't you?
00:49:58Yeah.
00:50:00That's about right now.
00:50:04Oh, I can't wait to get in.
00:50:06Neither can I.
00:50:08Bubbles make me go all tingly all over.
00:50:10You as well?
00:50:16Oh, you're all lovely.
00:50:18All tingly.
00:50:20What a way to go.
00:50:26Marion?
00:50:34Marion?
00:50:36Marion?
00:50:56Marion?
00:50:58Marion?
00:51:02Marion, where are you?
00:51:04Marion, are you in the bath?
00:51:06Ah, there you are.
00:51:08Didn't you hear me shouting?
00:51:10Oh, darling, what a lovely surprise.
00:51:12I wasn't expecting you.
00:51:14What a complete shambles, the whole trip.
00:51:16Oh, you poor love.
00:51:18Why don't you go downstairs, put your feet up
00:51:20and pour yourself out a nice long drink
00:51:22and I'll join you and you can tell me all about it.
00:51:24Well, there's nothing to tell.
00:51:26You've been so predictable from start to finish
00:51:28and you know who's responsible, don't you?
00:51:30Well, I told him. I warned him.
00:51:32Yes, you did.
00:51:34You put Peters in as acting managing director
00:51:36and you've got nothing but trouble on your hands, I said.
00:51:38He can't cope with responsibility.
00:51:40He's got no initiative.
00:51:42Runs a Ford Anglia and doesn't play golf.
00:51:44You've marked my words.
00:51:46I've been proved right yet again.
00:51:48That's wonderful.
00:51:50Now, why don't you just go downstairs?
00:51:52Wonderful? It's frustrating.
00:51:54It's insulting.
00:51:56Oh, I quite agree.
00:51:58Now, why don't you just let me finish my bath
00:52:00and I'll be straight with you.
00:52:02Yes, I could do with a drink.
00:52:06What was that?
00:52:08Nothing, just knocked the plug, that's all.
00:52:10Oh.
00:52:14Oh, darling, can I get you anything?
00:52:16What?
00:52:18To drink.
00:52:20No, just go downstairs and I'll...
00:52:22I don't want that much bubble bath.
00:52:24When you only bought this last week
00:52:26and you've already finished it.
00:52:28You really must be more careful in future.
00:52:30I can't afford extravagance of this sort.
00:52:32I mean, how you expect me to raise
00:52:34my housekeeping allowance in the face of such
00:52:36flagrant wastage, I really don't know.
00:52:38You really must put yourself together.
00:52:40You know, you're getting very careless lately.
00:52:42One do you know.
00:52:44One do.
00:52:46It's all right.
00:52:48Marion, I meant to ask you,
00:52:50what on earth have you been doing in the bedroom?
00:52:52There's paint all over the place.
00:52:54It's a terrible mess.
00:52:56It's the decorators. It was meant to be a surprise.
00:52:58Surprise?
00:53:00I should think the only surprise I'd get would be the bill.
00:53:02Don't suppose you thought to get an estimate first?
00:53:04Oh, Harold!
00:53:06Never mind, don't upset yourself.
00:53:08I mean, no, I expect you...
00:53:10You meant well, yes,
00:53:12like Peter said.
00:53:14He meant well, I expect.
00:53:16I'm sorry to interrupt, but would the board listen?
00:53:18Would they listen?
00:53:20Please, Harold, the water's getting cold.
00:53:22Oh, yes, well,
00:53:24yes, but you have your bath and
00:53:26don't you worry about a thing.
00:53:28It was a
00:53:30lovely surprise
00:53:32to find paint all over the bedroom.
00:53:34Yes, I think I do need a drink.
00:53:36It's all right now.
00:53:38It's all right now.
00:53:40Quick.
00:53:47I brought you a drink, darling.
00:53:49I thought you might like one.
00:53:51Oh, you mustn't stand about like that,
00:53:53not with the window open.
00:53:55No, no, no, catch your death.
00:54:17DOOR SLAMS SHUT
00:54:25ENGINE STARTS
00:54:35MUSIC PLAYS
00:54:41TIRES SCREECH
00:54:46ENGINE STOPS
00:55:02Sorry, mate, I'm not...
00:55:04St Barry's Convent, Upton Road.
00:55:06Yeah, but...
00:55:10ENGINE STARTS
00:55:17Of all the rotten luck,
00:55:19anyone else but a nun.
00:55:21I couldn't very well tell her to F off now, could I?
00:55:34I wonder if I could trouble you
00:55:36to help me with my cases.
00:55:38ENGINE STOPS
00:55:52MUSIC PLAYS
00:56:08ENGINE STOPS
00:56:24Oh, I thought I heard you coming.
00:56:26It's cost me a bloody fortune in jeans, this job.
00:56:28How come?
00:56:30I keep losing them.
00:56:32Oh, by the way, your brother phoned up while you were out.
00:56:34What, Peter?
00:56:37Bloody hell!
00:56:39Why, what's the matter?
00:56:41Look, if he phones up again, tell him, er...
00:56:43I don't know, tell him I've left the country, anything.
00:56:45Why? You don't speak to him then?
00:56:47Not if I can avoid it.
00:56:49I've got enough problems in my own life
00:56:51without getting lumbered with him and his thieving.
00:56:53I may get into a few scrapes now and again,
00:56:55but that's one thing I've always stayed well clear of,
00:56:57crime and all that.
00:57:07MUSIC CONTINUES
00:57:19You know what this is, buddy? It's a gun.
00:57:26Just keep your mouth shut.
00:57:28Do as you're told and you won't get hurt.
00:57:30I said shut up and get going.
00:57:32Now, you make one wrong move and you're dead.
00:57:35Understand?
00:57:37Just stick to the driving.
00:57:39Keep your eyes on the road
00:57:41and you and me will get along just fine.
00:57:43Now, drive south.
00:57:45And no funny business.
00:57:47I know this town like I know my own face.
00:57:49If you ask me, we should have run her out there and then.
00:57:51I'll get no troubles with her stiff.
00:57:53Nobody's asking you, so shut up!
00:57:55Suppose your old man wants to talk to her.
00:57:57Ain't nobody going to pay no ransom for a stiff, dumb head.
00:58:00We got to keep her alive to get the dough.
00:58:02Do you get it?
00:58:04Yeah. Maybe she's already seen us,
00:58:06so why bother with all this stuff?
00:58:08So when we call up her old man,
00:58:10you want her to tell him where we stashed her?
00:58:12I'll get it through that thick skull of yours, dumb head.
00:58:14What she don't know, she can't tell.
00:58:16OK?
00:58:18Then we rub her out.
00:58:20Just stick to the road, pal, like I told you.
00:58:22We'll rub her out.
00:58:24Shut that moron up, will you?
00:58:26Do her right. Now!
00:58:29Listen, birdbrain,
00:58:31we don't snuff her unless there's no other way.
00:58:33What if something goes wrong?
00:58:35So long as you follow orders, nothing will.
00:58:37Take the next turning on the left.
00:58:39And keep it real cool and steady.
00:58:42I am going to do something,
00:58:44as soon as I get the chance.
00:58:46Bit difficult with a gun pointing at my head, though.
00:58:53OK, buddy.
00:58:55Turn left through those gates.
00:58:59Keep going.
00:59:03Further.
00:59:05That's it.
00:59:07Now pull up.
00:59:09Get that broad out of the cab.
00:59:11Here, give me all the rubbing mount too.
00:59:13I mean, what's to stop him shooting his mouth off?
00:59:15OK, buddy.
00:59:17Out of the cab.
00:59:19Nice and easy now.
00:59:21No sudden moves, or this baby goes off.
00:59:23All right, buddy, out of the cab.
00:59:25Keep it cool.
00:59:27Put your hands on your head.
00:59:29Now turn around.
00:59:31Come on, turn around.
00:59:33Now get moving.
00:59:35Turn around.
00:59:49Get up.
00:59:51Get up.
01:00:05Come on, hands against the wall.
01:00:14Look, come on, you can relax now.
01:00:16Look at him.
01:00:18He fell for it.
01:00:20I can't believe it.
01:00:22Look at his face.
01:00:24I'm sorry if we scared you.
01:00:26The whole thing was a joke.
01:00:28Everything.
01:00:30You see, we were at this party.
01:00:32And someone suggested that we wouldn't dare try it in the street.
01:00:34And the no cabbie would believe it.
01:00:36So they bet us 20 quid to do it.
01:00:38No hard feelings?
01:00:40No hard feelings.
01:00:42I've been losing fares while you've been doing all this.
01:00:45Oh, don't forget to get the paper signed.
01:00:47Oh, yes. I almost forgot about that.
01:00:49Look, we have to bring back some kind of proof that we actually did it.
01:00:52Look, do you think you'd mind signing your name to this bit of paper?
01:00:55And if you could add your cab number, that would be great.
01:01:07Thanks, mate.
01:01:14Oh, yeah!
01:01:44Tonight
01:01:46We're gonna have a good time
01:01:50We're gonna have a good time
01:01:54It's true
01:01:56Cause the roof is gonna get me down off this roof
01:02:01It's a lie
01:02:03I just can't live
01:02:05Right off in this guy now
01:02:09I wanna say
01:02:12To everyone here today
01:02:15It's true
01:02:17We're gonna have a good time
01:02:21We're gonna have a good time
01:02:28Hello, Maisie.
01:02:30Hello, Joe.
01:02:32Well, come on, love. Don't be nervous. I won't bite you off.
01:02:39Where to, darling?
01:02:40Oh, the usual, love.
01:02:41Around the block?
01:02:42Yeah, that'll do. Just keep on driving. I'll give you a yell when I'm finished.
01:02:44Right.
01:02:45Here. You heard about Glenda, didn't you?
01:02:47Oh, sorry, love. Be with you in a minute.
01:02:50Glenda?
01:02:51Yeah. She married an Arab she picked up.
01:02:54I thought I hadn't seen her around.
01:02:56Yeah. An Arab. With oil wells and everything.
01:02:59No.
01:03:00Mind you, it was only a matter of time before she hooked some old geezer.
01:03:03It's funny. I'd never have thought that about her.
01:03:05About getting married?
01:03:06Yeah.
01:03:07About Glenda? You're joking.
01:03:08Every time she opened her mouth, a wedding bell popped out.
01:03:11So, how's business with you?
01:03:13Oh, well, it's quietened down a bit now the tourist season's over,
01:03:16but I don't do too bad.
01:03:18Tell you what, love.
01:03:20You get it out and start practising and I'll join you in a minute.
01:03:23Here, Joe. Could I have this one on credit?
01:03:26You know, I've just had the electricity bill in.
01:03:28Yeah, that's OK.
01:03:30Oh, you are lovely. I'll make it up next time, I promise.
01:03:33Don't worry about it. It's my pleasure.
01:03:35Tell you what, I didn't know I'd get a flight the other week.
01:03:38I thought I'd caught a dose, didn't I?
01:03:40All right. Don't worry.
01:03:43You have a very nasty cough there.
01:03:45You should get it seen to. It might be serious.
01:03:48That's the fourth one I've had this week with a cold.
01:03:50Only hope to God I don't go down with it.
01:03:52That's my trouble, you know.
01:03:54Anything that's going around, I seem to pick up.
01:03:56Yeah, I had noticed.
01:03:58Anyway, love, I can't sit here chatting all day.
01:04:00I've got to get back to work.
01:04:08Oh, my God!
01:04:38Thank you.
01:04:54Something tells me this could be my lucky night.
01:04:57Number 24, you said?
01:04:5924, yes.
01:05:01Oh, a right little sex bomb, this one.
01:05:03I mean, you can tell from that voice, can't you?
01:05:05All husky and sexy.
01:05:07I reckon this one will need the smooth, suave, James Bond-type chatter.
01:05:10You, er...
01:05:12You in the movies, then?
01:05:14Sorry?
01:05:16No, it's just that I thought I recognised your face from somewhere.
01:05:19I'd swear I'd seen you on the telly or the pictures.
01:05:21Somewhere like that.
01:05:22Possibly.
01:05:23I knew it.
01:05:24I knew you were in show business.
01:05:27Are you famous, then?
01:05:29Well, if I was, you'd know who I am, wouldn't you?
01:05:32Yeah, well, I do.
01:05:33It's just that your name escapes me for the moment, that's all.
01:05:36Bunny McQueen.
01:05:37Bunny McQueen, of course.
01:05:39How could I ever forget that?
01:05:42Bunny McQueen?
01:05:44Oh, I get it, Bunny.
01:05:46Must work at that Playboy club.
01:05:48You know, one of those birds with long, floppy ears, all pressed up like rabbits.
01:05:52Oh, yeah, probably been in that Playboy magazine.
01:05:55You know, Playmate of the Month.
01:05:58I bet if I looked, I'd find a picture of you on Tom's garage wall.
01:06:02Who's Tom?
01:06:03Oh, he's a guy I live with.
01:06:05Is he nice?
01:06:06Yeah, he's all right.
01:06:07He's not as nice as you, though.
01:06:10She fancies me, don't she?
01:06:12Oh, I'm in here if I play me cards right.
01:06:25Make yourself at home.
01:06:28Sit down, relax.
01:06:30Well, I should sit over there, if I were you.
01:06:33It's more comfortable.
01:06:38I'll just get the wine.
01:06:42There we are.
01:06:44Well, here we are, then.
01:06:47Have you been together long?
01:06:49What?
01:06:50This boy you live with.
01:06:52Oh, Tom. No, just me.
01:06:54This boy you live with.
01:06:56Oh, Tom. No, just a few weeks.
01:06:58Well, we've known each other for a couple of years now, but we've only been living together a short time.
01:07:02Well, he's not going to get jealous if he comes back and finds me here.
01:07:05No, he'll probably fancy you himself.
01:07:09Oh, let me.
01:07:14Ah, must need a new flint.
01:07:16Hang on, I've got some matches somewhere.
01:07:25Sorry about that.
01:07:39I think that's a really great outfit you're wearing.
01:07:41Oh, do you like it?
01:07:43I design all my own clothes.
01:07:45Yeah, well, it looks terrific.
01:07:47I suppose I shouldn't really be wearing it now.
01:07:49But after I've finished work, I just want to get away.
01:07:51I can't be bothered to change.
01:07:53Oh, no, you mustn't change. I mean, you look great as you are.
01:07:56A real turn-on, honest.
01:07:58It's a tough one, this.
01:08:00Oh, do you want me to do it?
01:08:02No, no, it's all right. Get it out in a minute.
01:08:05Come on, why don't you let me try?
01:08:07No, you'll never do it.
01:08:12Have you got the glasses ready?
01:08:14What? Oh, yeah.
01:08:18Sorry, we're a bit short on glasses.
01:08:24Well, this is very nice.
01:08:28Thank you.
01:08:30I think you're very nice.
01:08:32You, er... comfortable, are you?
01:08:35Mm. Thank you.
01:08:37I think you're really something.
01:08:39Really, I do.
01:08:42I hope you won't mind if I say this, but, er...
01:08:45I think you've got the most beautifully shaped breasts I've ever seen.
01:08:49Really beautiful.
01:08:51Really beautiful.
01:08:53Yes, yet they're much better now.
01:08:55Mind you, they cost me a fortune.
01:08:57So, um...
01:08:59why don't we give them a little air to breathe, eh?
01:09:06You've got lovely legs and all.
01:09:08Really lovely.
01:09:10I had to shave them, of course.
01:09:14Bloody hell!
01:09:16What's the matter?
01:09:18You! You're a fella!
01:09:20What did you think I was?
01:09:22I wonder if I could have them under the Trace Descriptions Act.
01:09:51DOORBELL RINGS
01:10:07Just call me.
01:10:08Get going, Mr Fast.
01:10:09Where to?
01:10:10Never mind now. Just drive.
01:10:12How? How? I'm enrolled!
01:10:15MUSIC CONTINUES
01:10:19Must have gone to the same party.
01:10:21Still, ten at a time, I should care. I'll play the game.
01:10:24Can't you go any faster?
01:10:26I do my best, but watch out for the law.
01:10:28We'll take care of that. Just drive.
01:10:30HONKING
01:10:32Might give me some warning.
01:10:34All cars west, your attention is called to a black London taxi
01:10:38believed to contain suspects.
01:10:40Origin 1505, over.
01:10:43Turn right, just where that van is.
01:10:45Wouldn't it be easier if you told me where we're making for?
01:10:48We could have an accident at this rate.
01:10:50I'm giving the orders round here, so shut up and keep driving.
01:10:53I suppose I've got to come on heavy, otherwise it wouldn't count.
01:10:56I wonder when they get round to the bit about doing me in.
01:10:59Not as good as the last lot.
01:11:01Much more realistic, they were.
01:11:03We being followed?
01:11:06Don't think so.
01:11:08That's all right. Going in the opposite direction.
01:11:11It's clear he'll drop us off at the end.
01:11:13Are you kidding? He's coming with us. We may need a hostage.
01:11:16Mate, why don't I drop you here like your mate suggested?
01:11:19I can sign your paper and you can be on your way.
01:11:21Paper?
01:11:22It would save us a lot of time, that's all.
01:11:24What paper? What are you talking about?
01:11:26For your mate's. I hereby declare I've done the dreadful deed and all that rubbish.
01:11:29I won't tell him I cottoned on.
01:11:31Listen, just shut up and keep driving.
01:11:33Oh, come on now, don't let's get carried away.
01:11:35I mean, a joke's a joke, but I keep losing business doing this lot.
01:11:38Yeah, it won't be the only thing you'll lose. You don't bow up.
01:11:40Oh, look, fair is fair, but you go too far.
01:11:42I'm not going to sign your paper. I'm warning you, so just watch your step.
01:11:45I'll see you.
01:11:46Left. Sharp left.
01:11:49Hang about. What's all this, then?
01:11:52Go right down the end of the garage. Drive right in.
01:11:55Oh, I get it. I get it.
01:11:57You will if you don't bow up.
01:11:59It's bleeding Tom, isn't it?
01:12:01I mean, I told him about the other kidnap and he thought...
01:12:03Very funny.
01:12:09What are you doing here?
01:12:23You should know. What a bloody prank.
01:12:25Look, it's costing me money, this game.
01:12:27You know him?
01:12:29Course he bloody knows me. I live here, don't I?
01:12:31Er, what happened? Where's the car?
01:12:34Parked on a double yellow line, didn't he?
01:12:36We do the job, come rushing out with the stuff.
01:12:38There's a getaway car being done for parking.
01:12:40Had to come back by cab.
01:12:42And of all the cabs in London, you had to pick...
01:12:44Ha ha! Oh, no!
01:12:52I still say we can't trust him.
01:12:54I'm telling you, he's a mate. He's not going to shop us.
01:12:56I won't. I won't.
01:12:57And I say we shouldn't chance it.
01:12:58Look, I'm not going to say anything. As far as I'm concerned, it never happened.
01:13:01I don't know nothing about it.
01:13:02See? Now, I'll guarantee it. Now, don't worry.
01:13:05Don't worry?
01:13:06How much do you think I'm worth?
01:13:08Now, look, Nicky, we haven't got time for all that.
01:13:10Love, take them off, please.
01:13:11I knew I'd look good in expensive things.
01:13:13Yeah, you look lovely. Now, get them off.
01:13:15Right, well, er, if you've all finished with me, I think I'd better get back to work.
01:13:19Sit down. You ain't going anywhere.
01:13:21Yeah, well, I just thought...
01:13:22Well, don't.
01:13:25You expecting anyone?
01:13:26It's all right. It's not the law.
01:13:30And I thought taxi driving was a strain.
01:13:32Right, let's get this stuff away somewhere.
01:13:34It's making me nervous lying around the place.
01:13:36Yeah, where are you going to put it?
01:13:37I know a place where no one will look. Nicky?
01:13:39Oh, I'm here, Monty.
01:13:45Christ almighty!
01:13:46Hello. What are you doing here?
01:13:48You two know each other?
01:13:50Yeah, he's my brother, isn't he?
01:13:55Bloody hell, what's that?
01:13:57A hippopotamus.
01:13:59What the hell are you doing mixed up in all this?
01:14:01Well, I'm in the big time now, aren't I?
01:14:03I don't believe it. I just don't believe it.
01:14:06I was driving the getaway car, wasn't I?
01:14:08Oh, yeah. Parked on a double yellow line.
01:14:10I've done it before and never got nicked.
01:14:12So tell us what happened.
01:14:13Nothing happened. I got a bollocking.
01:14:15You lot came running out of the shop with the stuff.
01:14:17Well, the copper, he forgot about me, so I drove off.
01:14:20Yeah, we should have been with you.
01:14:22Well, it looks like you managed to pick up a cab all right, don't it?
01:14:24Little bleeder. Oh, do you?
01:14:26I saw what happened. Didn't know it was Joe driving it, though.
01:14:29How much did he charge you?
01:14:31I think you're very funny, don't you, eh?
01:14:33Come on, Harry, lay off.
01:14:35Yeah, well, how do we know he wasn't followed?
01:14:36Bloody amateur coming straight back here.
01:14:38So what else was I supposed to do?
01:14:40It wasn't me that were following.
01:14:41Yeah, well, any more cheating and I'll lay one on you so hard
01:14:43my fist will come out the back of your head.
01:14:44Take it easy, Harry, yeah?
01:14:46The kid didn't mean nothing. Just let it rest, OK?
01:14:48Trouble is, my friends, what do we do now?
01:14:50I mean, for all we know, they might have taken Joe's number.
01:14:53For all we know, they might be on the way round here right now.
01:14:56Taken my number?
01:14:57Oh, that's great, that is. That's really landed me in it.
01:15:00Tom's right. We ought to split before they get on to us.
01:15:02Yeah, we'll meet up tomorrow like we planned.
01:15:05Too late, they're here.
01:15:09Can't see anyone.
01:15:10Well, it's not ringing on its own.
01:15:12Who is it?
01:15:13If nobody makes a sound, perhaps they'll go away.
01:15:17Look, maybe you'd better go and see who it is.
01:15:19What? You want me to go?
01:15:21You stay right where you are.
01:15:23Yeah, go on.
01:15:27It's no use hiding. I know you're in there, John North.
01:15:30Bloody hell, that's all I need.
01:15:32Answer this door or I'll scream the place down.
01:15:34You let me in or I'm warning you I'll get the police and lock the door in.
01:15:41Carol.
01:15:42You took your time, didn't you?
01:15:43Where is he?
01:15:44Who?
01:15:45Oh, Joe.
01:15:47Who do you think I meant? Mickey Mouse?
01:15:50He's out.
01:15:52Working.
01:15:53What? When his taxi's here?
01:15:55What's he driving?
01:15:56Awesome cart.
01:15:57His taxi's not here.
01:15:59He's out, isn't it?
01:16:00Really?
01:16:01Well, I have just bumped into the tall lady from number three
01:16:04with a toy poodle and a blue rinse.
01:16:06And according to her, Joe's taxi drove into your garage ten minutes ago.
01:16:11So unless he's gone straight through your back wall, it's still here, isn't it?
01:16:16Well, you see, I wouldn't know about that because I was asleep.
01:16:22He's up there, isn't he?
01:16:24He's up there with another bloody bird.
01:16:28Joe, get rid of her.
01:16:30What am I supposed to do?
01:16:32If I find you in a compromising position with your knickers down, I'll...
01:16:36Hello.
01:16:39Didn't know you had company.
01:16:40Hello, Carol.
01:16:42I just came to tell you that I've forgiven you
01:16:45for what you was doing last time I saw you.
01:16:48Oh, thank you.
01:16:49Yes.
01:16:50I've thought it over very carefully
01:16:52and I decided that what you did was a moment of weakness on your behalf.
01:16:56So I have forgiven you.
01:16:58Great.
01:16:59I thought you'd be pleased.
01:17:01Yeah, great.
01:17:02Well, aren't you going to introduce me
01:17:07to your friends?
01:17:09Oh, yes. This is Peter.
01:17:11Yes, I know Peter. And Tom and that Nicky as well.
01:17:15And this is Jeremy.
01:17:17It's really pleased to meet you.
01:17:19And Rupert.
01:17:20It's pleased to meet you.
01:17:22I'm Joe's fiancée, Carol Hotchkiss.
01:17:24Actually, Harry, Bernard and Jim were just about to leave.
01:17:28Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're going.
01:17:31Yeah.
01:17:33Bye, Rupert.
01:17:34Nice to have met you.
01:17:38What did you say they do for a living?
01:17:40Insurance. Bank computers.
01:17:45What's going on?
01:17:46What do you mean? Nothing. Why?
01:17:50Is there something I'm not supposed to know about?
01:17:53It's just that I get the impression...
01:17:56I mean, what's he doing here for a start?
01:17:58Just come to see my brother, haven't I?
01:18:02You've got someone here, haven't you?
01:18:04Another woman. Another naked tart in the bedroom.
01:18:07Oh, for God's sake. Look, there's no-one here but us, that's all.
01:18:10How am I supposed to know that?
01:18:12Well, you've just got a suspicious mind. That's your trouble.
01:18:14Worse than the CIA. Into everything.
01:18:16If I caught you with another woman, Joan would also help me.
01:18:18I would kill you, I would.
01:18:20Especially after I've forgiven you for your misdemeanour.
01:18:23Listen, darling, you know you're the only girl in the world for me.
01:18:26It's just that I've learnt my lesson.
01:18:29Come on, let's go down to the pub and have a drink, eh?
01:18:32Do you really mean that?
01:18:33Yes, I'm thirsty. I could do with one.
01:18:35No. About me being the only girl in the world.
01:18:38Of course I do. Come on.
01:18:40Oh, well, don't push me, all right? I mean, the pub's aren't even open yet.
01:18:43Sir, we can wait.
01:18:44Which way did you want to go?
01:18:49Thank God for that.
01:18:53Good day, sir.
01:18:54Madam?
01:18:55Going somewhere, were we?
01:18:57Who are you?
01:18:59Do you mind if we step inside, sir?
01:19:01What did you want?
01:19:02If you don't mind, sir.
01:19:08No, you see, we were just on our way out.
01:19:10So I had noticed.
01:19:11Yes, we were waiting till the pub's opened.
01:19:14Inspector Rogers, CID.
01:19:16And this is Sergeant Jeeves.
01:19:18Afternoon, all.
01:19:20I rather thought you might be able to help us with our enquiries.
01:19:23Oh, what's been happening?
01:19:26Oi, you got a search warrant?
01:19:28Why? You hiding something?
01:19:32You're with him, and you're with him.
01:19:36Right?
01:19:38So, who were you with?
01:19:41Myself.
01:19:42Joe, what's this all about?
01:19:44You're a bit young to be in this sort of league, aren't you?
01:19:47I didn't know there was an age limit.
01:19:49What are we supposed to be helping his enquiries with?
01:19:51Carol, love.
01:19:53It's to do with sex, isn't it?
01:19:55You've been having orgies up here, haven't you?
01:19:57That's what it is, isn't it? Orgies.
01:19:59No, ma'am.
01:20:00Well, it must be something like that.
01:20:02I mean, if Joe's anything to do with it, it must be sexy.
01:20:04You've got a one-track mind, you have.
01:20:06All right, if it's not orgies, what is it then?
01:20:08You might say it's a little treasure hunt.
01:20:12Joe, what have you got yourself mixed up with now?
01:20:14Nothing.
01:20:15I bet you have, especially if there's a woman involved.
01:20:18Listen, there's nothing up here.
01:20:20Not according to your two friends.
01:20:22We've got them outside. Picked them up a few minutes ago.
01:20:25What two friends?
01:20:26Well, you know all about your little caper at the jeweller's.
01:20:29I'm sorry, I really don't know what you're talking about.
01:20:31Why don't you just come clean?
01:20:33Your friends have.
01:20:36Found any little trinkets yet?
01:20:38Not yet, sir.
01:20:39You're not going to find anything, you know.
01:20:41We'll see. Life's full of little surprises, isn't it?
01:20:44Jesus Christ!
01:20:45I'm sorry, sir, I didn't mean to shout.
01:20:47It's just there's a bloody snake in there.
01:20:49That is Monty.
01:20:50He is my speciality.
01:20:52And he's very highly strung.
01:20:54Please don't upset him.
01:20:55He's got a performance tonight.
01:20:57There's nothing there, sir.
01:20:58Told you.
01:20:59Yeah, I've just realised.
01:21:01You're looking for stolen property.
01:21:04Carol, why don't you belt up?
01:21:06Look at the cheek of it.
01:21:07I mean, coming in here and searching this place like we're all criminals.
01:21:10Oh, you, tell him, Joe. Go on, tell him.
01:21:12Carol, Carol, will you shut up, Carol?
01:21:14Go on, go on, tell him.
01:21:16Ask to see his search warrant.
01:21:18Go on, ask, ask.
01:21:19Go on, go on.
01:21:20If you don't ask, I shall never speak to you again,
01:21:23even though I have forgiven you.
01:21:26Have you got something to say, then?
01:21:28Well, um, Inspector...
01:21:29Go on, go on, tell him to get out.
01:21:31Er, yes, um...
01:21:32And tell him to apologise.
01:21:33Tell him you know your rights.
01:21:35Tell him you'll sue him for liable if he don't apologise.
01:21:37She'll get me jailed for life.
01:21:39Go on, Joe, tell him.
01:21:40Joe is my fiancée.
01:21:42Well, um, Inspector, as you don't appear to have found anything...
01:21:45That's right, really lay it on him.
01:21:47I suggest we, um, call it a day.
01:21:50Don't you?
01:21:51That's a bit pathetic, isn't it?
01:21:53Carol!
01:21:54I mean, he's just called us a bunch of criminals.
01:21:56We could sue him for that.
01:21:57Excuse me, ma'am.
01:21:58I haven't called any of you criminals.
01:22:01Yet?
01:22:02Oh, yes, you did, I heard you.
01:22:04You said we had stolen goods.
01:22:06What sort of people do you think we are,
01:22:08accusing us of being criminals?
01:22:09We are respectable, we are.
01:22:11I have never done anything criminal in my life.
01:22:13I work in a supermarket.
01:22:15Nicky!
01:22:16And as for Joe, well, he's a taxi driver.
01:22:18And Peter is, well...
01:22:20And as for Tom, well, you could hardly call him a criminal.
01:22:23He's a mechanic.
01:22:24Nicky!
01:22:25And Nicky, well, she's respectable.
01:22:26She's a stripper.
01:22:27Nicky!
01:22:28The worst thing you could ever find in this place
01:22:30would be stolen property.
01:22:58Just been visiting Tom.
01:23:15Poor bastard.
01:23:16Got five years, him and his mates.
01:23:18I thought I was going to go down myself at one point,
01:23:20but as I explained to them, I was a victim of the circumstances.
01:23:23And they let me off with a caution.
01:23:25Mind you, I think they were glad to see the back of me,
01:23:27but Carol was pestering the life out of them.
01:23:29Nicky got out of it all right.
01:23:31Probation, first offence.
01:23:33Tom's asked me to keep an eye on her for him.
01:23:35That's a favour I shan't mind doing.
01:23:37Lost me a lot of time, though, all this business with the law.
01:23:40Lost me a place to live and all.
01:23:42Guess where I've ended up?
01:23:44Nothing like home cooking, is there?
01:23:46Not like your home cooking, there isn't.
01:23:48Carol rang up, said she'd be round at six.
01:23:51You were taking her out.
01:23:53Oh, yeah, that's really lumbered me in it, that is.
01:23:55Well, the only good thing that's come out of this is you.
01:23:57Got enough on probation.
01:23:59Really shook you up, that bust with the law.
01:24:01Good thing, too. Turned over a new leaf, you have.
01:24:03You still eat anything that lies stood on a plate, though, don't you?
01:24:06Still, you've learnt your lesson. I'm glad to see it.
01:24:09Good to see you going straight.
01:24:11Oh, I'm off. Where's me fares book?
01:24:17Bloody hell!
01:24:19Here. Don't you bloody swear in front of the baby.
01:24:22Teachers are bad habits.
01:24:52Hello, darling. Which bridge do you want this time?
01:24:55Post Office Tower, please.
01:25:23Casanova
01:25:25Take your fingers and mouthy over there
01:25:29Smoothing your hair
01:25:31Soothing your cares away
01:25:34There's no refusing
01:25:37Casanova
01:25:39Stop and clock and working overtime
01:25:43Cruising Casanova, be mine
01:25:48Casanova, be mine
01:25:52Casanova, be mine
01:26:22Casanova
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