What We Do in the Shadows (2014)

Super Cult Cinema
Super Cult Cinema
  • 2 days ago
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Transcript
00:00:00You
00:00:30You
00:01:00I
00:01:30You
00:01:49So it's 6 p.m. In the nighttime, which is when I wake up this is always really scary part for me
00:02:00I
00:02:10Really love living in a flatting situation wake up
00:02:13Wake up, everyone. I
00:02:16Like to hang out with other vampires. I like to company
00:02:22Awakened
00:02:24awakey-wakey, I
00:02:26Just really like having a good time with my friends
00:02:36How was your night last night I
00:02:39Transformed into a dog and had sex
00:02:42cool
00:02:43We're gonna have a little flat meeting in the kitchen about 15 minutes. Okay?
00:02:48Okay. Okay, so I close this. Yes
00:02:56Sorry, sorry
00:03:03What hey, what time is it
00:03:06We're going to have a flat meeting in about 10 minutes 20, okay
00:03:26So in Peter's room, I'm just going to wake him up
00:03:49Peter
00:03:57Wake up
00:04:00Hey, listen, we're just having a flat meeting upstairs in about 10 minutes
00:04:05You don't have to come but I thought I'd extend an invitation to you. Just in case
00:04:11It's a lot of stuff on the floor down here Peter
00:04:18It's a spinal column, yeah
00:04:20And I was thinking maybe I should just bring a broom down here for you
00:04:25If you wanted to sweep up some of these skellingtons, I don't know
00:04:43It is
00:04:448,000 years old. We're not going to have Peter at the meeting. Okay, so I
00:04:49Wanted to have a quick chat about flat responsibilities because
00:04:54Guys, I think that we're not all pulling our weight here. We're not just pointing the finger at you Deacon
00:05:00You're a cool guy, but you're not pulling your weight in the flat. Oh, I'm glad to hear that. I'm cool
00:05:07No, that's not the point. Oh, yeah
00:05:10Meeting about how cool you are. I do my flat chores. No, you don't
00:05:14Why we're having the flat meeting the point is thinking that you have not done the dishes for five years
00:05:20It's unacceptable to have so many bloody dishes all over this bench like this
00:05:25I'm so embarrassed when people come over you bring them over you kill them
00:05:30Vampires don't do dishes
00:05:32Deacon's like the rebellious young vampire. He's always doing crazy things saying crazy things
00:05:40He's just like the young bad boy of the group, okay, so
00:05:47One day I was
00:05:49Selling my wares and I walked past this old creepy castle and I look at it and think
00:05:57Very old and creepy and then this creature flies at me
00:06:02it dragged me back to this dark dungeon and
00:06:06beat into my neck and
00:06:09Just at the point of death this creature forced me to suck its foul blood and
00:06:16Then it opened its wings like this and hovered above me
00:06:22screeching
00:06:25Now you are vampire and it was Peter
00:06:33And we're still friends today
00:06:35Glad you were great you put out the recycling which was really cool
00:06:40And the other day I dragged the man's body down the hallway and noticed that there was no dust
00:06:48Like I kind of I kind of swept the hallway
00:06:52Vladislav is just like this older vampire who grew up in the medieval times and
00:06:58You know to be living this long and to seen the things that he's seen
00:07:03And still like kind of happen together, I mean hats off to him
00:07:12He's a really great guy a bit of a pervert
00:07:16He has some pretty old ideas about things. We should get some slaves
00:07:22when I first became a
00:07:24Vampire, I was quite the tyrannical. I was known for
00:07:29torturing a lot of people
00:07:33This is my torture chamber I
00:07:38Don't come in here often anymore. I
00:07:41Tended to torture when I was in a bad place
00:07:45My thing was I would poke someone with implements. I was known as Vladislav the poker
00:07:55It's been like this the whole time okay, so we are go with a little
00:08:00But dandy the washing and the rubbish I did that Deacon on dishes and it still hasn't moved in five years
00:08:07He was an 18th century
00:08:10Dandy so he can be very fussy
00:08:13Negs and negs the lounge yesterday and there was blood all over my nice antique couch
00:08:20Which one's the red one?
00:08:22Well, it's red now
00:08:23If you're going to eat a victim on my nice green couch put us a newspaper on the floor and some towels
00:08:29It's not hard to do
00:08:31We don't put down towels
00:08:35vampires do
00:08:38When you get the four vampires in a flat
00:08:42Obviously, there's going to be a lot of tension this tension in any any flatting situation. It's settled then
00:08:48We'd all do our jobs starting with a certain beacon. I will do my dishes
00:09:15This bullshit
00:09:18You
00:09:43Don't sing if you want to live long they have no use for your song
00:09:48You're dead. You're dead. You're dead. You're dead and out of this world
00:09:55We became a vampire when I was 16
00:09:59That is why I always look 16
00:10:02In those days, of course life was tough for a 16 year old. You'll never get a second chance
00:10:09plan all your
00:10:12Stay
00:10:15Stay dead and out of this world
00:10:17Vampires have had a pretty bad rap. We're not these
00:10:21Mopey old creatures who live in castles and for some most of us are a lot
00:10:26Ah, but there are also those of us who like to flat together in really small countries like New Zealand
00:10:33Ever talk with your eyes
00:10:43I was a Nazi vampire
00:10:53After the war which the Nazis lost I
00:10:56Don't know, you know that the Nazis lost that war if you were a Nazi after the war
00:11:02and
00:11:03if you were a vampire and
00:11:07If you were a Nazi vampire no way I was out of there
00:11:14Long gone
00:11:31When you smile and it tears your face it's time for the inhuman race
00:11:37You're down. You're down. You're down. You're down and out of this world
00:11:44You
00:11:59Yeah, I came to this country for love
00:12:02there was a girl human girl and
00:12:06I
00:12:08Thought she was fantastic. She was
00:12:10Absolutely amazing I was smitten her family emigrated to New Zealand and
00:12:18I thought you know what to hell with it. I'm gonna go I'm going to chase her and tell her how I feel
00:12:24I told my servant Philip send me to New Zealand
00:12:28He put the wrong postage on my coffin. So the whole journey took about 18 months
00:12:35And
00:12:37When I got here she had found someone else
00:12:43She had fallen in love and
00:12:47She was married
00:13:00She gave me this before she left
00:13:02There she is
00:13:05That's me I put myself in there, too
00:13:10She told me it was pure silver
00:13:13Unfortunately, we vampires cannot wear silver
00:13:33I
00:13:43Bought as long as I can wear that
00:14:02I
00:14:11Tonight we are going out into Wellington Central. It is important that we look good. Yeah, it's really good
00:14:18Yeah, like one of the unfortunate things about not having a reflection is that you?
00:14:23Don't know exactly what you look like
00:14:26We can give each other feedback and help each other out until we're looking great
00:14:32Yeah, some of our clothes are from victims. You might bite someone and then you see those are some nice pants
00:14:39Do with these change it when you're a vampire. You become very sexy
00:14:45Trying to attract victims to us not sure about the waistcoat I go for a look which I call dead but delicious
00:14:52We are the bait, but we also the trap. Hello ladies
00:15:05I
00:15:07Hello ladies
00:15:31We are ready to go into town and party
00:15:38I
00:15:45Let me go into town you must try to blend in
00:15:50Coming into town. It's really cool because just for one brief moment. I feel
00:15:55I
00:16:06Have to be invited in to go in
00:16:17Humans found out that we were
00:16:19ever destroy us
00:16:21They're between 60 and 70 vampires in the greater, Wellington region
00:16:39Being bitten as a little boy or a little girl you're always going to look the same age
00:16:51Because vampire owned and operated and so we can always give in it's the hottest night spot for vampires
00:17:11Perhaps you could bring some people to the house sure, but I have some virgins
00:17:16Virgins yeah, okay, any kind of preference in terms of gender or maybe some ladies. Yep ladies
00:17:23perhaps a guy
00:17:25One of each one of each would be cool my relationship with Deacon is
00:17:31Well, I'm his familiar. He's my master
00:17:34He tells me what to do. I do it
00:17:39We have that kind of master-servant relationship, which works nicely actually hello
00:17:43It's a little bit of blood and my husband. He's a hemophiliac
00:17:48You know someone that bleeds a lot
00:17:50Any kind of age range young, but not not kids not kids
00:17:5618 to 30
00:17:58Definitely younger than yourself, okay, so 18 to 30 so it's a dinner party. I'll be there. Yes your dinner party guys
00:18:06I'll be there. We'll all be there dress up, okay, and then eat them
00:18:11Okay should be fun great. I was just wondering if we could talk about the you will know every night
00:18:16Dentist because I had this thing here. I just wonder if we can talk about the deal
00:18:22Hmm the deal the dishes no the
00:18:27The deal is that he is going to give me eternal life
00:18:31which is
00:18:34Very exciting well
00:18:36I just feel like I've kind of reached my potential
00:18:37And I wouldn't want to kind of get any older before kind of I just feel like I'm the best version of myself that
00:18:42I can be yes
00:18:43It's been four and a half years, and I just I just but it's doing you think your pot plants and then your dry cleaning
00:18:47I'm just now doing it your dishes that I'm doing and the dentist and it's just taking an awful long time
00:18:53So it's just when we go
00:18:56See you later, okay
00:19:08One of the most unfortunate things about being a vampire is that
00:19:14You have to drink human blood. I like to make a real evening of it
00:19:19Play some music. Maybe give them some nice wine. It's their last moment alive, so why not make it a nice experience
00:19:30So tell me what you do, what do you I'm thinking about going to uni actually oh you are
00:19:38Oh
00:19:40University yeah, yeah, but after that I'm gonna travel
00:19:45Yeah, really wanted to go overseas for ages so saving up, and I'm gonna go to Spain and Italy
00:19:53London and yeah
00:19:57Okay
00:19:59Just put it there
00:20:25Well that didn't go so great
00:20:28I hit the main artery
00:20:32So yes the real mess in there
00:20:36On the upside I think she had a really good time
00:20:57So it's quite late, and I've managed to find a woman up watching television and
00:21:04She seems like she'd be a good victim
00:21:07I'm just going to use hypnosis on her
00:21:13See me
00:21:17See me
00:21:21She can't she can't see me from that angle
00:21:24Ladislav used to be extremely powerful. He could hypnotize crowds of people
00:21:29Great orgies 20 30 women he could turn into all sorts of animals, but now he never gets the faces, right?
00:21:36He would kill anybody man woman
00:21:39children
00:21:40burning
00:21:42Everything is totally great, but he suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of his arch nemesis
00:21:50the Beast
00:21:54And
00:22:00He's never been the same
00:22:17Would you like to come inside
00:22:23Oh
00:22:44Jackie welcome come in
00:22:47This is Nick
00:22:48XX boyfriend and Josephine and this is Deacon my overseas friend from Europe Deacon and his friends need
00:22:57victims hi
00:23:00They can't be people that I
00:23:04Actually invest in or like because of course they will become victims hi
00:23:09Josephine no I sat next to you in English remember
00:23:13And you used to call me the jacks assist
00:23:16No, you did. No you did. Yeah, now you started that
00:23:20You were the one that started calling me there, and they never and then it kind of caught on
00:23:24Yeah
00:23:25Okay, bye then
00:23:26But she's in
00:23:33You like that me
00:23:36I
00:23:38Will go and prepare dinner
00:23:43Oh
00:23:47What doesn't seem like
00:23:54You're a virgin when we were seeing each other yeah, I was 12 you said he was a virgin
00:23:58I think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool
00:24:02I think of it like this if you're going to eat a sandwich
00:24:07You would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it. Let's concentrate on Josephine
00:24:13Then are you a virgin? I'm not no okay?
00:24:17I'm really sorry because I totally pinned her as a virgin she looks like a virgin she talks like a virgin I mean
00:24:25We would have sex with her. I wouldn't I
00:24:28would
00:24:37Do you would like biscotti
00:24:39Yep, usually like it, but be better for this one
00:24:43So this is my favorite trick. We present our guests with a plate of biscotti and
00:24:49Then I will say why don't you eat some biscotti?
00:24:53Please Nick eat some biscotti I
00:24:58Didn't realize you enjoyed eating worms
00:25:01Nick
00:25:05There's worms we're going around
00:25:09We stole that idea from the lost boys, but I put a nice twist on it Nick
00:25:14How did it feel to have a snake for a penis?
00:25:20Jackie my penis has disappeared
00:25:27No, it is just a normal penis
00:25:30I'm out
00:25:33Josephine you would like biscotti
00:25:38Look at this freaks quite my spaghetti you'd make my cock turn into a snake. That's not cool
00:25:51Don't think this is weird
00:26:00Oh
00:26:30Oh
00:26:49Where am I
00:27:00Oh
00:27:02Oh
00:27:28Break
00:27:32Oh
00:27:39No Peter got him
00:28:02Oh
00:28:33Oh
00:28:46Guys
00:28:48Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing me coming to the house?
00:28:55Hi, my name is Nick guys, I've been a vampire for two months
00:28:59Probably I reckon the best thing about being a vampire is flying
00:29:03Like I've always wanted to I think everyone's always wanted to fly and now I can do it
00:29:18Nick why don't you use the front door?
00:29:21Why would I I'm flying?
00:29:23Peter bit me sucked all my blood out. I woke up in his basement and
00:29:28He offered me some blood. I just thought it was something some German thing that these guys do
00:29:33The transition into becoming a vampire was pretty hard. I
00:29:37Look like shit to start off with like I had a massive gash in my neck
00:29:41But you can see the inside of my neck had blood all over my top
00:29:45And then I came home and I was sweating. I was either really hot or really cold
00:29:50It was like a hangover times 10. I reckon it was really bad
00:29:59It was quite similar to having the flu except the only difference would probably be that my eyes bleed heaps
00:30:07Are you guys not cold?
00:30:09I don't know. I can't explain it. Like it's just you just real hot and cold and like bloody eyes and flying stuff
00:30:15The neighbors can see you flying around the house. You want to draw attention to this house?
00:30:20Hmm, you've got a whole documentary crew following you around. I'm doing an erotic dance for my friends and you ruined it
00:30:25I was in the zone. My friends are loving it. I saw the end of it look great
00:30:30I don't I don't know if I'm being if I'm accepted yet, but I don't know. I think it's getting there
00:30:35I know the oldest stuff, but they're quite naive when it comes to the real world
00:30:39So, I don't know. I'll be cool to just hang out with them. They can teach me some stuff
00:30:44I can probably teach them a few things
00:30:46At the start, I was like, oh no, I'm dead. It's kind of affected my friendship with normal people, my family and stuff, but the way I see it, I've got a whole new family. They accept me for who I am and I accept them for who they are. Even though one of them killed me.
00:31:11Where shall we go tonight?
00:31:13Let's go to the big kumara. Why don't we go to Boogie Wonderland?
00:31:15You never get into Boogie Wonderland.
00:31:17My friend Richard's a bouncer. He can get us in.
00:31:19What, really? He'll invite us in.
00:31:21Stu's here. Stu loves it.
00:31:23Cool, that's Stu.
00:31:25This is my friend Stu.
00:31:27He works in computers and stuff.
00:31:29Originally, he went out with my sister and then they broke up.
00:31:32I don't really get into it. It's got nothing to do with me.
00:31:35And, um, you can't hear me.
00:31:39So basically, Stu doesn't know that I'm a vampire.
00:31:43And he doesn't know that my friends are vampires.
00:31:45He just thinks that I've just met some colourful friends.
00:31:48This is Jasmine.
00:31:50I brought him round to the house and I thought I'd bought a meal for everyone.
00:31:53Just like, it really, really sucks that I can't eat him.
00:31:58I just want to like, ahhh.
00:32:01Look at it. He's the reddest guy I know.
00:32:04Alright, you can hear me.
00:32:06You can hear me.
00:32:08Oh yeah, like computer-based stuff, eh?
00:32:10Yeah, yeah. Geo-databases.
00:32:12Yeah, yeah, like computers mainly.
00:32:15Let's have a vote for Boogie Wonderland or the Big Coomera.
00:32:19Big Coomera.
00:32:27I don't think Nick should have been turned into a vampire.
00:32:31He's such a dick.
00:32:34How are you, brother?
00:32:35Looking great, man.
00:32:36Gentlemen, you are most welcome.
00:32:46We're at Boogie Wonderland!
00:32:48So here we are at Boogie Wonderland.
00:32:51And it is so much fun.
00:32:54They have an electric floor.
00:32:56This is amazing!
00:32:57I'm just so happy to be here.
00:32:59This place is pretty cheesy.
00:33:01Also, did you see the jacket he wore?
00:33:04He's wearing the same jacket as me.
00:33:06It's not exactly the same. It's pretty close.
00:33:15Awesome, mate.
00:33:16I'm just loving being a vampire clown.
00:33:24Over there is the Fat Lady's Arms.
00:33:26On Wednesdays they do like a fair factor competition.
00:33:29You can win like T-shirts and hats and spot prizes.
00:33:32I can smell werewolves.
00:33:34We're just about to walk past a werewolf so some shit might go down.
00:33:38Look out, guys. Don't catch fleas.
00:33:41What's that, mate?
00:33:42Keep going. Keep walking.
00:33:44We heard that, mate. We've got sensitive hearing.
00:33:46Have you?
00:33:47What are you filming? Some music video, is it?
00:33:49We don't want any trouble.
00:33:51I do.
00:33:52Have I got your heckles up, huh?
00:33:54Why don't you go smell your own crutches, huh?
00:33:57What are you talking about?
00:33:58We don't smell our own crutches.
00:34:00We smell each other's crutches and it's a form of greeting.
00:34:03You're on camera, mate. Don't do it.
00:34:05What? It's okay because I know this guy.
00:34:07It's Count Fagula.
00:34:09Hey, hey, hey. Don't swear.
00:34:11Sorry.
00:34:12We're werewolves.
00:34:13What are we?
00:34:14Werewolves, not swears.
00:34:16No.
00:34:17It's a very offensive word to call people.
00:34:19Well, unless you're talking about a bundle of sticks.
00:34:22This bundle of sticks.
00:34:24Werewolves.
00:34:25Don't get it.
00:34:26It's not real.
00:34:27He's just going to take off his gloves.
00:34:29Ah, shit, man.
00:34:30What the fuck you do that for?
00:34:31Hey, don't swear.
00:34:32We're going to lose it.
00:34:33We're going to lose it.
00:34:34Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:34:35Hey, calm down.
00:34:36Calm down.
00:34:37I should have stuck on my glasses.
00:34:38Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:34:39Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:34:40Hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:34:43Do the breathing.
00:34:44Do the breathing.
00:34:45Do the breathing.
00:34:46Count to ten, mate.
00:34:47Come on.
00:34:48Human again.
00:34:49Count to ten.
00:34:50Human again.
00:34:51It's all right.
00:34:52It's not full moon.
00:34:53Thanks a lot, guys.
00:34:54Enjoy your night.
00:34:55You should have shamed yourselves, man.
00:34:56It's all right.
00:34:57We didn't want this to happen.
00:34:58Woo, woo, woo.
00:34:59Woo, woo, woo.
00:35:00Woo, woo, woo.
00:35:01Come on, guys.
00:35:02Hey, say it.
00:35:03Don't spray it, bitch.
00:35:04Why are you swearing all the time?
00:35:05Well, he rivaled me.
00:35:06Was it actually werewolves?
00:35:07Yeah.
00:35:08Are you OK, Stu?
00:35:09I just don't really know how to approach this, because I've never done it before.
00:35:23And he is a good friend.
00:35:24And I don't want to break that friendship, but then again, what do you do when someone
00:35:30tells you that they're a vampire?
00:35:32I'm expecting him to be angry.
00:35:34He might be scared.
00:35:35I'm expecting a lot of things to bubble to the surface.
00:35:38You've probably noticed I've been going through a few changes lately.
00:35:44Yeah.
00:35:45Yeah?
00:35:46Yeah.
00:35:47Like, I don't show up for lunch anymore.
00:35:50Yeah.
00:35:51Yeah.
00:35:52And how I've changed all our tennis games to night-time tennis games.
00:35:57Right.
00:35:58And how you went from beating me every time, and how I've won the last three.
00:36:05Yeah.
00:36:06So the reason I brought you here is to tell you that I'm a vampire.
00:36:18Stu took it pretty well.
00:36:20He's definitely my best mate, and I'm not going to eat him.
00:36:23If they ever offer you spaghetti, you shouldn't eat it.
00:36:28I think they offered me biscotti.
00:36:31Vampire mates don't eat human mates.
00:36:33And no matter how much I wanted to eat him, I would never eat him, because he's my mate.
00:36:37Eh, Stu?
00:36:38Yeah.
00:36:39Yeah.
00:36:43Stu is great.
00:36:46We really like him.
00:36:48At first, I wanted to kill him.
00:36:50But now, I'm glad I spent the time to get to know him.
00:36:54Yeah, of course, he looks delicious with his big red cheeks.
00:36:58But we've all got an agreement that we're not going to eat Stu.
00:37:02Right?
00:37:03Right.
00:37:04The guys upstairs, they're loving him.
00:37:07At the start, they were a bit, oh, who's this human you bring into the house?
00:37:10But it took them literally two minutes, and they like him more than they like me, I reckon.
00:37:14I am knitting a scarf for Stu.
00:37:17Try and attack.
00:37:18Use your legs.
00:37:21Wow.
00:37:22Step back and block.
00:37:23High.
00:37:24Okay, and punching high.
00:37:26Yep.
00:37:27High.
00:37:28Yep.
00:37:29I'm just, what I'm trying to say is, because I know that you turned me into a vampire,
00:37:33maybe don't do that to him.
00:37:35He's a vegetarian.
00:37:37The last thing he'd want to do is eat a live being, or eat blood, or eat meat.
00:37:42I am controlling this.
00:37:44Get it.
00:37:45It's quite amazing to see how far technology can go forward if you're not paying attention.
00:37:53One message received.
00:37:59There is a crucifix behind you.
00:38:02So down on that one, like halfway down, we'll focus it.
00:38:05Maybe smile.
00:38:06Gloria, Gloria.
00:38:11You want to find you.
00:38:12Yeah.
00:38:13Right, right.
00:38:14I lost a really nice silk scarf in about 1912.
00:38:19Yes, now Google it.
00:38:21Stu is the first human friend that I've had for a long time.
00:38:25With humans, there's a tendency to die.
00:38:30Yeah.
00:38:31We can look at her photos.
00:38:33Oh, yes.
00:38:34Or we could poke here.
00:38:37Yes.
00:38:39Can we see a movie of a sunrise?
00:38:43Oh, shit.
00:38:44Oh, nice.
00:38:46If we push images, then we can see pictures of virgins.
00:38:49Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:38:54I don't think she's a virgin if she's doing that.
00:39:10There he is, yeah.
00:39:12This is my old servant, Philipp.
00:39:14So I'm going to call him.
00:39:16Yeah.
00:39:17And...
00:39:18He's calling.
00:39:24My God, that's him, that's him, that's him.
00:39:26That's Philipp, that's Philipp.
00:39:27He looks so...
00:39:29Hello, Maestro Viano.
00:39:32It's been so long.
00:39:34You haven't changed at all.
00:39:37Tell me, have you seen Katrin?
00:39:41There's no hurry.
00:39:44You know, love is patient.
00:39:46Listen, Philipp, you paid for the wrong photo on the box.
00:39:52What?
00:39:53Yes, for the sale.
00:39:55You paid for the wrong one.
00:39:57And it took a long time to get here.
00:40:00Maestro, you promised me to turn me into a vampire.
00:40:05Now I'm already 90.
00:40:07Oh.
00:40:08You promised.
00:40:09I'm so old.
00:40:10Yeah, well, it was great to see you.
00:40:13See you, Philipp.
00:40:16All right.
00:40:17Just click in here, then.
00:40:46Data about where things are.
00:41:03Oh, like Google Maps.
00:41:05Yeah, kind of like Google Maps, but like more layers of information.
00:41:09The movie Twilight.
00:41:10Have you seen it?
00:41:11No.
00:41:12Okay, I'm the main guy of Twilight.
00:41:13You know the main guy?
00:41:14Twilight?
00:41:15That's me.
00:41:16There's cameras following me around.
00:41:17They could have chosen anyone.
00:41:19How many people have you told you're a vampire?
00:41:21Not many.
00:41:22I heard that girl talking about it.
00:41:24You said you're a vampire.
00:41:26Yeah, I told her.
00:41:27Who else?
00:41:28Who did you tell?
00:41:29I told her hot friends.
00:41:30You can't tell everyone that you're a vampire.
00:41:33Who's that guy?
00:41:34I don't know, but I trust him.
00:41:36Keep it under your hat.
00:41:37I can't tell everyone.
00:41:38I won't.
00:41:39Vampire!
00:41:40Vampire!
00:41:42Vampire!
00:41:44Yeah, I've got a bit of an eye condition.
00:41:46What's wrong with them?
00:41:47Uh, vampire eyes.
00:41:48Can't go into the sun.
00:41:50Oh my god, are they your fangs?
00:41:52For real?
00:41:53For real, real.
00:41:55Too real, real.
00:41:56I'm a vampire though.
00:41:57You're a vampire?
00:41:58Yeah.
00:41:59I'm a vampire hunter, man.
00:42:01No, you're not.
00:42:02Are you?
00:42:03Fucking piece of shit.
00:42:04I'll Skype you.
00:42:05I float.
00:42:06I do Transformers stuff.
00:42:07Same.
00:42:08Where you going?
00:42:09Yeah.
00:42:10I'll show you.
00:42:12You show me.
00:42:13Show me some of your vampire stuff.
00:42:14What have I got?
00:42:15Um...
00:42:21Don't lie about transforming into shit.
00:42:30Twilight!
00:42:31Shut up, Nick!
00:42:33You're not Twilight.
00:42:34What's your problem?
00:42:35You are my problem.
00:42:37Telling the world that we are vampires.
00:42:39I'm going to tell the whole world that you're an asshole now, though.
00:42:41Shut up!
00:42:43You shut up.
00:42:44Guys!
00:42:45You shut up!
00:42:46Dracula, man!
00:42:47You're not Dracula!
00:42:48Dracula, man!
00:42:49You don't even know who Dracula is, you idiot!
00:42:55Best fight!
00:42:56Best fight!
00:43:06Oh, deacon.
00:43:09That wasn't fair, man.
00:43:11Fucking jacket, man.
00:43:12I don't care about your stupid jacket.
00:43:16Deacon!
00:43:17Yes, Cameron?
00:43:35Hey, Stu.
00:43:37How's your whims?
00:43:40What?
00:43:41You're eating worms.
00:43:48Can you do this shit where you turn into worms?
00:43:51No, it doesn't work on chips.
00:43:53Only works on things that already look like worms.
00:43:56Maybe noodles?
00:43:57Do you want some noodles?
00:43:58What's he knows now?
00:44:01Oh, no, I wouldn't eat that.
00:44:06Why?
00:44:10Are you okay, Mick?
00:44:13You alright?
00:44:20He ate the chips.
00:44:22I can't eat solids now.
00:44:23Great.
00:44:24What, I can't sunbathe?
00:44:25I can't watch daytime TV?
00:44:27I can if I...
00:44:28Oh, yeah, I guess I could.
00:44:30More than anything, just the chips.
00:44:32I don't know.
00:44:33I don't know.
00:44:34I don't know.
00:44:35I don't know.
00:44:36I don't know.
00:44:37I don't know.
00:44:38I can't eat the chips.
00:44:39It's my favourite food.
00:44:40I can't eat chips.
00:44:42I don't...
00:44:43I hate...
00:44:44I'll say it.
00:44:45I'm over being a vampire.
00:44:46It's shit.
00:44:47So don't believe the hype.
00:45:06Jackie!
00:45:09Jackie, can I come in, please?
00:45:11Okay, off to bed, guys.
00:45:12Hello, children.
00:45:13Don't look at the man.
00:45:15Akasha, don't look at the man.
00:45:18I was going to bite you tonight.
00:45:20Really?
00:45:21But now I can't because there's this Mick being a vampire.
00:45:24Sorry, I thought you killed him two months ago.
00:45:26No, I didn't.
00:45:27No, he's a vampire.
00:45:28What do you mean?
00:45:29He jumped in front of your place.
00:45:32All I'm saying is that, um...
00:45:34You know, if I had a penis, I would have been bitten years ago.
00:45:38I may have to penalise you.
00:45:41Perhaps another couple of years.
00:45:43Perhaps ten years.
00:45:44Hmm?
00:45:45Like one big circle just biting each other's dicks.
00:45:47You know, they don't even wear shirts.
00:45:49They wear blouses.
00:45:50It's this big homoerotic dick-biting club,
00:45:53and I'm stuck here ironing their fucking frills.
00:45:56Also, clean the bathroom, please.
00:45:58There's blood everywhere.
00:45:59It is gruesome.
00:46:01Okay.
00:46:02See you tomorrow.
00:46:04See you tomorrow.
00:46:09Afternoon, please.
00:46:24Kat Sarin.
00:46:26She was so charming and nice.
00:46:28She was everything I wanted.
00:46:30Unfortunately, yeah, she was married.
00:46:34Sure, I wanted to kill the guy.
00:46:36I thought about chopping his head off,
00:46:39draining him of every drop of blood that he had.
00:46:42Who wouldn't?
00:46:45But then I also saw how happy she was.
00:46:49And that made me kind of happy.
00:46:53And I didn't want to ruin it for her, so...
00:46:55I did the honorable thing,
00:46:57and I just stepped back
00:47:00and let her live her life.
00:47:26Peter!
00:47:28Peter!
00:47:30Peter!
00:47:31Peter!
00:47:32Peter!
00:47:33Peter!
00:47:35Peter!
00:47:36Get water!
00:47:38Get out of the sunlight!
00:47:39Water! Get water!
00:47:40Get water!
00:47:41Peter, get away from the sunlight!
00:47:43Get in the shadows!
00:47:44Peter!
00:47:45Get out of the sunlight!
00:47:47Get out of my way!
00:47:50It's going in!
00:47:51No!
00:47:52I'm coming, Peter!
00:47:53Deacon, no!
00:47:54No, it's sunlight!
00:47:55I'm coming for you!
00:47:56It's sunlight out there!
00:47:57It's sunlight!
00:47:59It's sunlight!
00:48:06I was too late.
00:48:17Turn that thing off.
00:48:19Our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!
00:48:25So, this is what I think happened.
00:48:28The vampire hunter has broken through the window here,
00:48:33has impacted the table, breaking the table leg,
00:48:37then he has come this way,
00:48:40towards the tomb.
00:48:41Whoa!
00:48:42Ah!
00:48:43Ah!
00:48:44Ah!
00:48:45Ah!
00:48:46Ah!
00:48:47Ah!
00:48:48Ah!
00:48:49Ah!
00:48:50Ah!
00:48:52Ah!
00:48:53Ah!
00:48:54Ah!
00:48:55Crucifix!
00:48:56Cover the crucifix!
00:49:00And then,
00:49:02Peter has burst from the tomb,
00:49:04pushed the tomb lid onto the vampire hunter,
00:49:07and then the sunlight has come through here
00:49:10and burnt Peter alive.
00:49:13I think this is just a table leg, which is
00:49:15sanded down.
00:49:16Do you think he hand-sanded that?
00:49:18Yes, imagine that's stuck in your...
00:49:20Oh!
00:49:21It's quite shocking down here.
00:49:23Nick, look.
00:49:24Here's our sweet Peter.
00:49:26Oh, fuck.
00:49:27Burnt to a sizzle.
00:49:29I can't figure out this.
00:49:30He's the vampire hunter.
00:49:31Is this his front or his back?
00:49:32Oh, who's this guy?
00:49:33Look at his bloody head.
00:49:34Don't...
00:49:35Back to front.
00:49:36Twist it the other way, the other way.
00:49:37This way.
00:49:38See who this guy is.
00:49:39Yeah.
00:49:42Typical macho type.
00:49:43Yuck.
00:49:44It is.
00:49:45Oh, shit.
00:49:48I know that guy, actually.
00:49:50You know him?
00:49:51Yeah.
00:49:52What?
00:49:53I saw him the other night in town.
00:49:55Told him I was a vampire.
00:49:56What?
00:49:57I thought he was joking.
00:49:58He said he was a vampire hunter.
00:49:59You let a vampire hunter into our house?
00:50:01I didn't let him in.
00:50:02I just gave him my email.
00:50:03He doesn't...
00:50:04Nick!
00:50:05Tear out your tongue,
00:50:06and shove it down your arse!
00:50:07Yeah, easy.
00:50:10Come here!
00:50:13I'm gonna kill you!
00:50:21Tear out your tongue!
00:50:25I'll kill you with your big mouth!
00:50:28I'm gonna stay!
00:50:29Get up!
00:50:30Take a breath.
00:50:31Get up and stand on the ceiling like a man!
00:50:40We can talk about this, okay?
00:50:41We can talk about this.
00:50:42I'm gonna kill you!
00:50:43I'm already dead!
00:50:45Dude, stay back!
00:50:51Shut the door.
00:50:52I'm gonna go.
00:50:53I'm gonna go.
00:51:01Oh, shit.
00:51:04Good evening, sir.
00:51:05Hello, police.
00:51:06Hi, I'm Constable O'Leary.
00:51:07This is Constable Minogue.
00:51:08We're just responding to reports of a possible forced entry
00:51:11and also a rather large amount of shrieking.
00:51:14Just wondering if maybe we could come in,
00:51:16just have a wee look around.
00:51:17Okay.
00:51:19Hello, what's with the camera?
00:51:21Yeah, obviously we're just here
00:51:22because there was a phone call from a member of the public
00:51:24about a bit of a disturbance, some loud noises,
00:51:28possibly a forced entry, wasn't there?
00:51:30And also maybe a bit of smoke coming out.
00:51:32So we're just checking over the scene,
00:51:33making sure everything's above board, so to speak,
00:51:36and making sure no one's in danger, that kind of thing.
00:51:39We might go up and have a wee look up there,
00:51:40if that's all right with you.
00:51:42Come on, mate.
00:51:43You lead the way.
00:51:44Yep.
00:51:46Okay.
00:51:47Smells a bit weird in here too, mate.
00:51:48Yeah.
00:51:49What do you call that?
00:51:52Barbecue.
00:51:56You will not notice anything out of the ordinary.
00:52:00No, we certainly hope not.
00:52:02Let's just keep going.
00:52:04Hi there, guys.
00:52:05How are you?
00:52:06Hi, fellas.
00:52:08Is this the room we've heard all the shouting coming from?
00:52:10This is me.
00:52:12Yeah, okay, we've had a couple of reports, okay.
00:52:14People not that happy about the level of noise here.
00:52:16Okay, keep the neighbours.
00:52:17You can't keep screaming when there's this many people around, mate.
00:52:19You've got neighbours on either side.
00:52:20Really nervous.
00:52:21I've hypnotised those cops.
00:52:23I'm not a great hypnotiser, so I could wear off any second.
00:52:27I really hope that those guys don't kill those police,
00:52:29because it would mean more police will come,
00:52:31possibly even Christians,
00:52:33which is totally the last thing we need in this house.
00:52:36I can see you having a good time.
00:52:37End of the day.
00:52:38We've got to keep the peace, okay?
00:52:40Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:52:42See what I'm seeing?
00:52:43What's that, Minogue?
00:52:46You're joking.
00:52:48Not a smoke alarm in sight.
00:52:49No smoke detectors, mate.
00:52:51Rule number one, smoke detectors.
00:52:54Okay.
00:52:55Rule number two, maybe not so many barbecues inside.
00:52:57Sort of, fellas.
00:52:59Barbecue smells really strong down here, doesn't it?
00:53:02Yeah.
00:53:03Who's this guy?
00:53:05Um, that's a friend who came to our party.
00:53:09Mate, you all right?
00:53:10He's drunk.
00:53:11That's what I thought.
00:53:12Drunk guy.
00:53:13Look, you can't just leave him down here like that, okay?
00:53:16This guy's not having a good time.
00:53:17He's going to feel terrible tomorrow morning.
00:53:19Well, his soul is in hell.
00:53:21Well, I don't know where his soul is,
00:53:22but all I'm saying is, where's his blanket?
00:53:24There's a big slab of concrete on him.
00:53:26Yeah.
00:53:27That's definitely not going to be comfortable.
00:53:29Anything else in here, Minogue?
00:53:30No, I think I've seen enough.
00:53:31Okay.
00:53:32Hang on a minute.
00:53:33What have we got here?
00:53:36Yeah, what is that?
00:53:37This.
00:53:38Oh, this.
00:53:39It's seen as clearly as I can.
00:53:40Adhesive, mate.
00:53:41That's flammable.
00:53:42Then you've got a lamp on top of that,
00:53:44directly underneath the power source.
00:53:46That is quite bad.
00:53:47It's a very bad combination.
00:53:48And no smoke detectors again, are there?
00:53:50No.
00:53:51Yes, there are.
00:53:52Yes, there are.
00:53:53Okay, there are.
00:53:54That's good.
00:53:55Let's just think about this.
00:53:56Yeah, lots to think about.
00:53:57Next flat meeting, yeah?
00:53:58Yeah, good thinking.
00:53:59That's the thing.
00:54:00Just have a bit of dialogue about it.
00:54:01Okay.
00:54:02They've got a really good point.
00:54:04Wait, let's kill them.
00:54:06Well, let's just see what other safety points they have,
00:54:09and then maybe we can...
00:54:20I call into session this trial of Nick of Wellington.
00:54:30Read the charges.
00:54:32Problems we have with Nick.
00:54:35Number one, you brought a human into our house
00:54:38which is a big no-no in the vampire world.
00:54:40Stu's okay, though.
00:54:41Yeah, Stu's fine, so I guess we'll just cross that one out.
00:54:50Thank you, Stu.
00:54:51Thank you, Stu.
00:54:52So, the new number one.
00:54:54Nick's been telling people he's a vampire
00:54:57that in turn resulted in an unwanted visit
00:55:01from a vampire hunter.
00:55:03Crime number two.
00:55:05This is quite a biggie, Nick.
00:55:07The vampire hunter who killed Peter.
00:55:11That actually should have been crime number one,
00:55:14but we wanted to build up to that.
00:55:16Number three.
00:55:17Deacon doesn't like that you wear the same jacket as him,
00:55:21and he would like you to find your own original style.
00:55:25For these crimes of which we, the Vampire Council,
00:55:29find you guilty,
00:55:31you shall be banished from our flat indefinitely.
00:55:35Indefinitely.
00:55:36Indefinitely.
00:55:37So I can come back?
00:55:38No, no.
00:55:39Indefinitely means there is no end.
00:55:41I thought there was...
00:55:42No, indefinite means that it's not a definite thing.
00:55:45It can be changed.
00:55:46Yes, but it's long.
00:55:47It could be tomorrow, it could be six months.
00:55:49No, it is not tomorrow.
00:55:50Forget about it.
00:55:51You're banished.
00:55:52You're banished.
00:55:53But, Stu, you can visit if you like.
00:55:57For your crimes,
00:55:58you will be made to suffer the procession of shame.
00:56:03I asked them, Nick.
00:56:04I asked them not to pass that sentence.
00:56:06We should do this immediately, in my opinion.
00:56:09You didn't ask.
00:56:10You didn't ask.
00:56:11You were saying yes.
00:56:16Well, this is what's going to happen.
00:56:18Stu thinks it's quite extreme.
00:56:20Let us do the procession of shame now.
00:56:26Shame.
00:56:27Shame.
00:56:28Shame.
00:56:29Shame.
00:56:30Shame.
00:56:31Bad vampire.
00:56:32Shame.
00:56:34You go, Stu.
00:56:41Bye, Stu.
00:56:59That was a shame.
00:57:02It was a shame.
00:57:25So today we have an invitation
00:57:28to the big event of the year.
00:57:31They have burnt the edges like a treasure map or something.
00:57:36It's very authentic, isn't it?
00:57:38Dearly Departed. That's us.
00:57:42The Wellington Vampire Association, in conjunction with the Lower Hutt Vampire Witch Club
00:57:47and the Karori Zombie Society,
00:57:50invites you to attend the Unholy Masquerade on the night of the 6th of June,
00:57:57starting at 6pm.
00:58:04Unholy Masquerade, of course, is a great time for the undead community of Wellington.
00:58:08There are zombies there, vampires, banshees, all having a dance together.
00:58:14It's always a big deal for me. Love it.
00:58:17One year I went to the Unholy Masquerade dressed as Whoopi Goldberg
00:58:22from Sister Act 1 and Sister Act 2, back in the habit.
00:58:28It didn't go down so well because he was a nun.
00:58:32Vampires don't like nuns.
00:58:35Of course, the big deal of the Unholy Masquerade is every year they announce the Guest of Honour.
00:58:41I don't know if I should be saying this, but I heard a little rumour
00:58:47that the Guest of Honour this year might be me.
00:58:53The location...
00:58:55Oh, yeah, where is it?
00:58:57...for the Cathedral of Despair.
00:58:59And the Guest of Honour will be...
00:59:05Who is it? Show me.
00:59:08Okay.
00:59:09Okay.
00:59:10Okay.
00:59:11Okay, that's fine.
00:59:12Okay.
00:59:13That's fine.
00:59:20Vladislav has just had a reaction to the information that the Guest of Honour will be me.
00:59:29Vladislav has just had a reaction to the information that the Guest of Honour will be the Beast.
00:59:43The darkest part of my mind is reserved for the Beast.
00:59:47If I could tell you a thing or two about the Beast...
00:59:49You should pray that you never have to see the Beast.
00:59:52This one is called the Beast.
00:59:53And I said, get your hands off my balls, Beast!
00:59:57He may have told you some stories about his great battle with the Beast.
01:00:01Yeah, oh, I fought the Beast on a cliff.
01:00:03Oh, I fought the Beast in a swamp.
01:00:06Oh, and then one time I fought the Beast in the toilets of a nightclub.
01:00:11Difficult battle.
01:00:12I hope you never see the Beast.
01:00:16The Beast.
01:00:27You can't go to the ball as Blade.
01:00:29He's a vampire hunter.
01:00:30Yeah, but vampires love Wesley Snipes, so to...
01:00:33No, it's inappropriate.
01:00:34Okay, Vlad.
01:00:35The green jumpers or the black leather with the dragon belt?
01:00:39We're having a mild crisis here.
01:00:41Which pants do you want to wear?
01:00:42Just look at the pants, Vlad.
01:00:43Look at the pants.
01:00:44They're just pants.
01:00:45Shit, Vlad.
01:00:46Holy shit.
01:00:47Oh, you look terrible.
01:00:49The black pants.
01:00:51Get dressed.
01:00:52I don't know if I feel up to it, really.
01:00:54You don't look that great, but if you eat someone on the way...
01:00:56I'm fine.
01:00:57...and rejuvenate a little bit...
01:00:58You could probably wear a mask or something.
01:01:00Just leave me to do my dark bidding on the internet.
01:01:03What are you bidding on?
01:01:05I'm bidding on the table.
01:01:07Are you coming or not?
01:01:08No.
01:01:09I'm going to go change.
01:01:10We're leaving in ten minutes.
01:01:11Have a good time.
01:01:14We tend to often, you know, without getting into that kind of stuff,
01:01:18which I'm really sick of that, but, you know,
01:01:21it's just harder for us to actually chase people around.
01:01:25Can I have a toast?
01:01:27Cheers.
01:01:28Cheers.
01:01:29Cheers.
01:01:30Cheers.
01:01:31Cheers.
01:01:32Cheers.
01:01:33Cheers.
01:01:34Cheers.
01:01:35Cheers.
01:01:36Cheers.
01:01:37Cheers.
01:01:38Cheers.
01:01:39Cheers.
01:01:40Cheers.
01:01:41Cheers.
01:01:43Gary and Alisha, hi...
01:01:52So we're at the Unholy Masquerade.
01:01:55It's great.
01:01:56This is my mask, which I made for the occasion.
01:02:01Hey!
01:02:03Jackie!
01:02:05This is an undead party.
01:02:06Yeah, I'm a vampire.
01:02:07You'll have your...
01:02:08I'm a vampire, I'm a vampire.
01:02:10Greg. So, um, who bit you?
01:02:13Oh, Nick.
01:02:14Oh, Greg. Yeah.
01:02:16OK.
01:02:17Deacon!
01:02:20Pretty rude, because she was my servant.
01:02:24She was a pretty useless servant, I wouldn't bother you.
01:02:27Yes, but still, I would have been appreciated if you had asked.
01:02:30How's Stu? Stu's good.
01:02:32He's here. Oh, he's here.
01:02:34Stu! Stu!
01:02:36Hey! How are you?
01:02:38Hey!
01:02:40Has anyone looked at you like they want to eat you at all?
01:02:44Uh, no.
01:02:45Can you hear me at the back?
01:02:47On behalf of the Wellington Vampire Society,
01:02:51the Lower Hutt Vampire and Witch Club,
01:02:55and the Karori Zombie Society,
01:02:58we welcome you here tonight.
01:03:00We're raffling a live meat pack this year.
01:03:03You can inspect the prize over here to my left.
01:03:06It's a wonderful prize.
01:03:08Tickets are only $10 each, or $45 for a book of five.
01:03:12Now, without further ado,
01:03:14it's my very great pleasure to introduce to you
01:03:18this year's guest of honour, Pauline Ivalovich.
01:03:22CHEERING
01:03:28That's the Beast.
01:03:30The Beast is the name I give to my ex-girlfriend, Pauline.
01:03:35She prefers Pauline.
01:03:37We had a very intense relationship.
01:03:40We were very sexually explosive.
01:03:43Last time I saw her, she impaled me and called me an arsehole.
01:03:49She said all kinds of things that really hurt me,
01:03:53and all this while I was impaled on a lamppost.
01:03:57Well, everyone, I will be mingling around,
01:04:00and I really hope that I will meet all of you.
01:04:22Hello.
01:04:23That's the new guy.
01:04:25We don't even know what kind of vampire he is.
01:04:28He's a vampire.
01:04:34Hello.
01:04:35Hi, how are you?
01:04:36This is Deacon.
01:04:37Hello, Deacon.
01:04:38This is Stu Rampage.
01:04:40How are you?
01:04:42Hi, I'm Julian.
01:04:43You've got really warm hands, too.
01:04:45You a demon?
01:04:47No, he's not a demon.
01:04:49I'm a software analyst.
01:04:51You should go dance with anyone.
01:04:55Sure.
01:04:56Take your time.
01:04:57I like Stu.
01:04:58He's not a vampire.
01:05:00He's a zombie.
01:05:01Am I a witch?
01:05:03He's neither.
01:05:05He's more of a human.
01:05:08Excuse me.
01:05:09Excuse me.
01:05:10Hi.
01:05:11Nick, hey.
01:05:12Nick, do you mind if Stu is killed?
01:05:17I don't feel that good about it.
01:05:19Can I just ask you a personal question?
01:05:24Sure.
01:05:26Are you pre-deceased?
01:05:31If anyone's going to eat him, it's going to be us.
01:05:35But we're not.
01:05:36We're perfect.
01:05:37They can just go fuck themselves.
01:05:39Nick, it is your fault.
01:05:40Okay?
01:05:41You brought a human into this day in the vampire's nest.
01:05:44What a plus one whole thing.
01:05:45Yes, you did.
01:05:46What a plus one.
01:05:47Lovely talking to you.
01:05:48I've got to shoot off now.
01:05:49See you later on.
01:05:56As soon as one vampire takes a bite, it's a frenzy.
01:05:59We've got to get him out.
01:06:00Follow me.
01:06:01Follow me.
01:06:02Excuse me.
01:06:03Sorry, guys.
01:06:04Okay, Stu.
01:06:05Put that over your bloody red face.
01:06:08Oh, yeah.
01:06:09It's a cigarette.
01:06:10Oh, hey.
01:06:11Okay, not that way.
01:06:12This way.
01:06:13This way.
01:06:14Is there another way?
01:06:15Oh.
01:06:16Take it away from the vampire, guys.
01:06:19Excuse me, everyone.
01:06:20Can I have your attention, please?
01:06:24Some of the vampires forget unholy masquerade rules.
01:06:28They brought a human, and they don't let us to feast on him.
01:06:37This was a total misunderstanding.
01:06:39There was on the invitation, and this actually pertains to you,
01:06:42the invitation, it said plus one, but it did not specify
01:06:46if it could be a human or if it could be a werewolf.
01:06:49Yeah, but he could be a vampire hunter for all we know.
01:06:52He could be texting his mates,
01:06:53and I've got them all in the one place.
01:06:55Come on over, and we'll have a vampire barbecue.
01:06:57Well, he's not.
01:06:58He's not doing that.
01:06:59How do we know that?
01:07:00He's wearing a bow tie.
01:07:01Look at him.
01:07:02Stu, tell them what you do.
01:07:03Come on, Stu.
01:07:04Tell us what you do.
01:07:05Tell them what you do, Stu.
01:07:07Hi, my name's Stu.
01:07:09Louder, louder.
01:07:10Hi, my name is Stu.
01:07:11I work in IT.
01:07:12I can't hear.
01:07:13Louder.
01:07:14Stu, they can't hear you.
01:07:15They cannot hear you.
01:07:16Hi, my name's Stu.
01:07:17I'm a software analyst.
01:07:18I work for a geographic information systems company.
01:07:21Sorry, what is it?
01:07:22I work for a company that does,
01:07:24basically we take business requirements from organisations,
01:07:27and we analyse those requirements,
01:07:30and then we build software to fit those requirements.
01:07:33He is a virgin.
01:07:34He is a virgin.
01:07:35I can smell a virgin at a thousand paces.
01:07:38Go on then.
01:07:39Go a thousand paces that way and smell yourself.
01:07:42I can't wait anymore.
01:07:47No!
01:07:52There shall be no eating of the human.
01:07:55Who are you all of a sudden?
01:07:57You have forgotten your former lover so quickly.
01:08:05Georgie?
01:08:07No, not Georgie.
01:08:09Like five years after.
01:08:10Five years later.
01:08:12Wait a minute.
01:08:13Just one moment.
01:08:15No.
01:08:17No.
01:08:18Just one moment.
01:08:20No.
01:08:21No, I've got it.
01:08:22I've got it.
01:08:23It takes away from...
01:08:26Hello, beast.
01:08:28Hello, arsehole.
01:08:29Hey, don't call me arsehole.
01:08:31Don't call me beast.
01:08:33This is Vladislav.
01:08:34Absolutely the same.
01:08:35This is my ex-boyfriend.
01:08:36You know, the one who fucked at the wheel?
01:08:37Oh, all right.
01:08:38That's old business.
01:08:39That's personal business.
01:08:40Nice to meet you, arsehole.
01:08:41This is my lover.
01:08:42You will not feast on the blood of the human known as Stu.
01:08:45Listen, arsehole.
01:08:46This is human and this is the rules.
01:08:48And what is cameras doing here?
01:08:49One, then another one.
01:08:50What is this?
01:08:51You're making a documentary.
01:08:52This is a private secret society, mate.
01:08:54You don't go bringing your bloody cameras and do everything.
01:08:57You will not eat Stu and you will not eat the camera guy.
01:08:59Maybe one camera guy.
01:09:00I'm not talking about bloody hair with you at the moment.
01:09:02And all your mates behind there, whoever the hell they are.
01:09:05We're going to eat the human being
01:09:06and there's nothing you can do about it, all right?
01:09:08Now back off and let my missus get away.
01:09:11Oh, there's nothing I can do about it.
01:09:13That's fine.
01:09:14Well, what about this?
01:09:16Scandal.
01:09:17It's wicked.
01:09:18Scandal.
01:09:19It's not equal.
01:09:21Vampire fight.
01:09:23Get him, son of a gun.
01:09:39Scandal.
01:09:40He's killing him.
01:09:41It is forbidden for vampires
01:09:43to kill vampires.
01:09:47What the fuck?
01:09:53Are you okay, man?
01:09:54Get out.
01:09:56We should probably go, Stu.
01:09:59It was great to see you, Pauline.
01:10:01Asshole.
01:10:02Bastard.
01:10:05He's a murderer.
01:10:06That was great how we both,
01:10:07we both together equally destroyed that guy.
01:10:10Yeah, yeah.
01:10:11But it was more Stu with a giant stick.
01:10:13Heart dust doesn't make it awkward for you and the beast.
01:10:16No, I think it's opened up new possibilities.
01:10:19Oh, no.
01:10:21Here we go again.
01:10:23Here we go again.
01:10:24Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu.
01:10:26Stu, Stu, Stu.
01:10:28Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu.
01:10:30Stu, Stu.
01:10:32Wait, wait, wait, wait.
01:10:33Stop, stop.
01:10:34Listen, listen.
01:10:35You smell that?
01:10:38This way.
01:10:41Werewolves.
01:10:43Oh, no.
01:10:44Look what the cat did again, huh?
01:10:46Piss off.
01:10:47Keep walking.
01:10:48Don't hassle us tonight.
01:10:49There has been no hassle here.
01:10:51Well, let it stay that way.
01:10:52Keep chaining yourselves up.
01:10:54Guys, where's your tracksuit pants?
01:10:56It was washing night.
01:10:57My muscles couldn't wash them
01:10:58because there was too much blood in them, so...
01:11:00Well, your legs expand.
01:11:01They grow into the tracksuit.
01:11:02Oh.
01:11:03Those jeans are going to rip completely.
01:11:04You've lost all those trousers, guys.
01:11:06Declan, that tree's far too thin.
01:11:08Look at it.
01:11:09It's like a branch.
01:11:10You know how big you get when you transform?
01:11:12That's the wrong tree for you.
01:11:14Anton, I've...
01:11:15Oh, no.
01:11:16You've forgotten the combination.
01:11:18Why did you get a combination lock?
01:11:20I lost my key last time.
01:11:21Okay, well, it's probably four zeros.
01:11:23That's the factory setting, is it?
01:11:24Fuck off to a tree.
01:11:25Hey!
01:11:26Werewolves, not...
01:11:27Yeah, I know.
01:11:28On transformation nights, it's all right, all right?
01:11:30I'm getting stressed out.
01:11:31I was just reminding you.
01:11:33Stop talking and chain yourself up, you dickhead.
01:11:35Honestly, we're transforming.
01:11:37All right, we keep walking.
01:11:38Yeah, keep walking.
01:11:39Well, we're walking.
01:11:40By the way, I find that offensive.
01:11:41Is that fur?
01:11:42Oh, for crying out loud.
01:11:44Don't look at the fur, everyone.
01:11:46Get back to your trees, okay?
01:11:47That's disgusting, man.
01:11:48Hands off.
01:11:49Declan.
01:11:50Hands off.
01:11:51It's not real fur.
01:11:52Oh, shit!
01:11:53All right.
01:11:54Honestly, get out of here.
01:11:55Take your humans.
01:11:56That guy in the bow tie, he's going to go first.
01:11:58Those camel crews, get out of here.
01:12:00Quick.
01:12:01Take all your clothes off that you want to keep, everyone.
01:12:04Get that army surplus jacket off you,
01:12:05but I just bought that, Nathan.
01:12:08Get that camper out of my face.
01:12:10Guys, guys, guys, let's go.
01:12:11Let's go.
01:12:12Come on.
01:12:14Guys, you run.
01:12:15Go.
01:12:18Let's go.
01:12:19Let's go.
01:12:26Shit.
01:12:27I got one.
01:12:38Come on.
01:12:39Come on.
01:12:44Go!
01:12:45Go!
01:12:46Go!
01:12:47Go!
01:12:48Go!
01:12:49Malik!
01:12:50Malik!
01:12:51Go!
01:12:52Go, go!
01:12:57Dude!
01:12:58Dude!
01:12:59Dude!
01:13:03Dude!
01:13:06Hey! Hey!
01:13:08Stu, are you alright?
01:13:11Stu!
01:13:13Stu!
01:13:15Fuck off, asshole!
01:13:18Fuck off!
01:13:20Fuck off!
01:13:21Get off, Sid!
01:13:24Oi!
01:13:25You stink, Jacob Ackles!
01:13:32Stupid werewolf!
01:13:34Get away, Nick! Don't look at the blood!
01:13:37No, Stu!
01:13:38Stu!
01:13:40Leave him alone, he's a really good dude!
01:13:42Leave him alone!
01:13:43It's too late for him!
01:13:44Don't look at the blood, Nick!
01:13:45Stu!
01:13:58There he is.
01:14:00He's probably still a little upset having seen his best friend disemboweled by werewolves.
01:14:09Nick!
01:14:11I found you.
01:14:14Whoa!
01:14:17That was pretty full-on, eh?
01:14:25But this is what happens when you're a vampire.
01:14:30You have to watch everyone die.
01:14:34Your mother and father, or your friends.
01:14:38Sometimes brutal.
01:14:42Like slipping and falling onto a giant spike.
01:14:46Or falling asleep in an autumn pile of leaves.
01:14:51And having some of them block your windpipe.
01:14:54Or making the simple mistake of fashioning a mask out of crackers.
01:15:00And being attacked by ducks, geese, swans.
01:15:06Or simply dying of old age.
01:15:11But even old age is brutal.
01:15:14Watching your friends grow old.
01:15:17They can't piss.
01:15:19They say stupid things and their brains go.
01:15:22And they can't remember anything.
01:15:26And then one day they can't even remember who you are.
01:15:31And you wish they were dead.
01:15:34And then they do die.
01:15:39You know, if I'd known Stu, this was probably the way he wanted to go.
01:15:46Disemboweled by werewolves.
01:15:48Blood and guts splayed onto the trees.
01:15:52His face torn to shreds.
01:16:04I hope I made you feel better.
01:16:06I hope I made you feel better.
01:16:15Well, from what we can see and what we can gather,
01:16:17it looks like there's been a bit of a dog attack.
01:16:19That's really what happens when you get, you know, dangerous dogs out on the streets,
01:16:23not being looked after.
01:16:24This is not good.
01:16:26No, it's not good at all.
01:16:29There's nicer ways to go than being torn apart by what looks like a pack of dogs,
01:16:33more than just one.
01:16:34Yeah, I'd say so.
01:16:35These attacks are becoming more and more frequent.
01:16:36They're happening on a monthly basis.
01:16:38And it's just, it's no good for anybody, okay?
01:16:40Especially not the dogs.
01:16:41Certainly not the community.
01:16:42You all right there?
01:16:43She's got the bars up.
01:16:44One of them here, eh?
01:16:45And that's not talking about, look at it.
01:16:47End of the day, this dog is going to have to be put down.
01:16:49What a shame.
01:16:52Look what you did.
01:16:54Eh?
01:16:55He's got the scent again, hasn't he?
01:16:56He wants to go again.
01:16:57He's not finished.
01:16:58Yeah.
01:17:05They say that vampires' hearts are cold and dead.
01:17:32Definitely dead.
01:17:34By still.
01:17:35People would have loved this scarf.
01:17:37It's a lovely loose knit.
01:17:40But I don't know.
01:17:41I think I still feel things inside it.
01:17:48Deacon.
01:17:50Deacon.
01:17:51Deacon.
01:17:52Wakey, wakey.
01:17:53Hey.
01:17:54Viago.
01:17:55Who's sleeping here?
01:17:56The curtains are open.
01:17:57It's nearly morning.
01:17:58You want to get sizzled to a crisp?
01:18:00You know, you've got to think a little bit about these things.
01:18:03Sorry, Viago.
01:18:04It's okay.
01:18:05Night-night.
01:18:06Okay.
01:18:34Received at 4.20am.
01:18:37Hey, guys.
01:18:38It's the vampire here.
01:18:41It's a heads up.
01:18:42I've got quite a big surprise.
01:18:45Yeah, it's going to blow everyone's minds.
01:19:00Stew!
01:19:01Hey, Deacon.
01:19:02Stew!
01:19:03How's it?
01:19:04Good to see you.
01:19:05Look at his face.
01:19:06I saw them tear you to shreds.
01:19:08Look, you look like steel.
01:19:09They didn't kill me.
01:19:10It looks cool.
01:19:13Meet some of our friends.
01:19:14Anton, Deacon.
01:19:16Hi.
01:19:17Anton.
01:19:18And Bill.
01:19:22I must have blacked out.
01:19:24And then I remember the ambulance.
01:19:26I'm going into shock.
01:19:27O'Leary!
01:19:28Yeah, yeah, I'm coming.
01:19:29O'Leary!
01:19:30Yeah, coming.
01:19:31Come on, Bill.
01:19:32Come on, Bill.
01:19:36Looks like rabies, doesn't it?
01:19:37I don't know how long after that was,
01:19:39but I woke up and it was daytime.
01:19:47And I couldn't find my clothes.
01:19:51Those werewolf guys eventually found me
01:19:55and they lent me some pants.
01:19:59So, yeah, those guys have been supporting me
01:20:01because I was quite confused.
01:20:05Yeah, these are the guys who turned me into a werewolf.
01:20:09Do you knit your own jersey?
01:20:11Yes.
01:20:12Oh, yeah?
01:20:13I knit.
01:20:14Is that the moon, or...?
01:20:15Yes.
01:20:16Hopefully we won't, you know...
01:20:20Oh, this is a nice place.
01:20:22Please don't lick anything or pee on anything.
01:20:27We were worried at first, you know.
01:20:29We thought, oh, they're just going to urinate on everything.
01:20:32But they're actually really polite and pretty clean.
01:20:35There was obviously that werewolf smell
01:20:37which permeated the entire house for the first half an hour,
01:20:41but we opened some windows and got rid of that.
01:20:44When Stu first suggested the idea, I thought, no way.
01:20:47You know, walking into a vampire's den, that's ludicrous.
01:20:50That's my hand.
01:20:51But I thought, well, we'll give it a shot.
01:20:53I mean, I'm the alpha male, so I made the call.
01:20:55I'm the alpha male, so generally all the other guys follow me.
01:21:00You're still Stu!
01:21:01Thanks, guys.
01:21:02What have you done to your face?
01:21:04I got attacked by some werewolves.
01:21:06Oh, I met a werewolf. Seemed a very nice person.
01:21:10So, Catherine's a vampire now?
01:21:12Yes.
01:21:13We decided to get together.
01:21:14We just thought to hell with it, you know.
01:21:16What have we got to lose?
01:21:18I was just sitting doing nothing,
01:21:20and he came floating in and over to me,
01:21:23and I recognised him. It was wonderful.
01:21:26That's right, I bit you on the neck.
01:21:28That's right.
01:21:31And I don't mind being a vampire.
01:21:33I'm enjoying it.
01:21:36Some people freak out a bit about the age difference.
01:21:39They think, what's this 96-year-old lady doing with a guy four times her age?
01:21:44And, you know, I don't care.
01:21:46It doesn't make any difference.
01:21:48No, they can call me cradle snatcher, who cares?
01:21:50I decided to bite her, and we're going to be together forever.
01:21:53Wonderful.
01:22:11Pauline and I are tentatively back together,
01:22:14but it's not long before you remember
01:22:17why it was you broke up in the first place.
01:22:25We'll start in our bedroom.
01:22:27I need that totally boarded up or blacked out somehow.
01:22:29My husband is my familiar,
01:22:31so there's been a dynamic shift there.
01:22:34You could buy a bedazzler, so write that down,
01:22:36because that's B-E-D.
01:22:38I feel like I'm who I'm really meant to be now.
01:22:40I love you.
01:22:42I love you too.
01:22:43Great.
01:22:44But I am your master.
01:22:46OK.
01:22:49These guys have to laugh at my jokes, right guys?
01:22:51Yeah!
01:22:54I always look around and make sure they're all laughing.
01:22:56If I see one of them's not quite laughing,
01:22:58I'll go, hey, are you laughing?
01:23:00And then off and I'll test you, hey, were you laughing at?
01:23:02Tristan.
01:23:03Huh?
01:23:04Were you laughing at now?
01:23:05Just then?
01:23:06Yeah, yeah, but what?
01:23:07Oh, I don't know.
01:23:08Oh, test failed!
01:23:09Test failed!
01:23:10Hey, mate!
01:23:11Laughing now?
01:23:12What are you laughing at now, though?
01:23:13What are you laughing at now, though?
01:23:14I don't know.
01:23:15Test failed!
01:23:16Ha, ha, ha!
01:23:17What are you laughing at, Hugh?
01:23:19Oh, I was laughing with the group.
01:23:21Yeah, that's good, that's good.
01:23:22Yeah, he said the same thing.
01:23:23Really?
01:23:24Yeah.
01:23:25Just pay attention.
01:23:26Pay attention.
01:23:27Laugh with the group.
01:23:46Laugh with the group.
01:23:47Laugh with the group.
01:23:48Laugh with the group.
01:23:49Laugh with the group.
01:23:50Laugh with the group.
01:23:51Laugh with the group.
01:23:52Laugh with the group.
01:23:53Laugh with the group.
01:23:54Laugh with the group.
01:23:55Laugh with the group.
01:23:56Laugh with the group.
01:23:57Laugh with the group.
01:23:58Laugh with the group.
01:23:59Laugh with the group.
01:24:00Laugh with the group.
01:24:01Laugh with the group.
01:24:02Laugh with the group.
01:24:03Laugh with the group.
01:24:04Laugh with the group.
01:24:05Laugh with the group.
01:24:06Laugh with the group.
01:24:07Laugh with the group.
01:24:08Laugh with the group.
01:24:09Laugh with the group.
01:24:10Laugh with the group.
01:24:11Laugh with the group.
01:24:12Laugh with the group.
01:24:13Laugh with the group.
01:24:14Laugh with the group.
01:24:15Laugh with the group.
01:24:16Laugh with the group.
01:24:17Laugh with the group.
01:24:18Laugh with the group.
01:24:19Laugh with the group.
01:24:20Laugh with the group.
01:24:21Laugh with the group.
01:24:22Laugh with the group.
01:24:23Laugh with the group.
01:24:24Laugh with the group.
01:24:25Laugh with the group.
01:24:26Laugh with the group.
01:24:27Laugh with the group.
01:24:28Laugh with the group.
01:24:29Laugh with the group.
01:24:30Laugh with the group.
01:24:31Laugh with the group.
01:24:32Laugh with the group.
01:24:33Laugh with the group.
01:24:34Laugh with the group.
01:24:35Laugh with the group.
01:24:36Laugh with the group.
01:24:37Laugh with the group.
01:24:38Laugh with the group.
01:24:39Laugh with the group.
01:24:40Laugh with the group.
01:24:41Laugh with the group.
01:24:42Laugh with the group.
01:24:43Laugh with the group.
01:24:44Laugh with the group.
01:24:45Laugh with the group.
01:24:46Laugh with the group.
01:24:47Laugh with the group.
01:24:48Laugh with the group.
01:24:49Laugh with the group.
01:24:50Laugh with the group.
01:24:51Laugh with the group.
01:24:52Laugh with the group.
01:24:53Laugh with the group.
01:24:54Laugh with the group.
01:24:55Laugh with the group.
01:24:56Laugh with the group.
01:24:57Laugh with the group.
01:24:58Laugh with the group.
01:24:59Laugh with the group.
01:25:00Laugh with the group.
01:25:01Laugh with the group.
01:25:02Laugh with the group.
01:25:03Laugh with the group.
01:25:04Laugh with the group.
01:25:05Laugh with the group.
01:25:06Laugh with the group.
01:25:07Laugh with the group.
01:25:08Laugh with the group.
01:25:09Laugh with the group.
01:25:10Laugh with the group.
01:25:11Laugh with the group.
01:25:12Laugh with the group.
01:25:13Laugh with the group.
01:25:14Laugh with the group.
01:25:15Laugh with the group.
01:25:16Laugh with the group.
01:25:17Laugh with the group.
01:25:18Laugh with the group.
01:25:19Laugh with the group.
01:25:20Laugh with the group.
01:25:21Laugh with the group.
01:25:22Laugh with the group.
01:25:23Laugh with the group.
01:25:24Laugh with the group.
01:25:25Laugh with the group.
01:25:26Laugh with the group.
01:25:27Laugh with the group.
01:25:28Laugh with the group.
01:25:29Laugh with the group.
01:25:30Laugh with the group.
01:25:31Laugh with the group.
01:25:32Laugh with the group.
01:25:33Laugh with the group.