Billy Connolly - In My Own Words [couchtripper]
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00:00I didn't know it was windswept and interesting until somebody told me.
00:07It was a friend of mine, the folk singer Archie Fisher.
00:16I had long hair and a beard and was swishing around in electric blue velvet flares.
00:23I said, look at you all windswept and interesting.
00:26I just said, exactly.
00:30After that I simply had to maintain my reputation.
00:44It was a funny week I had. Funny.
00:47On the Monday I got hearing aids.
00:50On the Tuesday I got pills for heartburn, which I have to take all the time.
01:00And on the Wednesday I got news that I had prostate cancer and Parkinson's disease.
01:14They told me on the phone.
01:17He said, look we've had the result and it's cancer.
01:20And I said, oh nobody's ever said that to me before.
01:23And Pamela was standing behind me and gave me a bit of a cuddle.
01:26But I wasn't unduly worried.
01:47So Billy, you're still here. How's Key West?
02:09Key West is great. Nobody bothers you.
02:13They don't care if you're rich or poor.
02:17Everybody gets along.
02:20But there's only so much to do in Key West.
02:25There's a lot of pubs, a lot of restaurants.
02:28And there's a relaxation in the air.
02:35If you're gay, it's very free.
02:38And it's all accepted.
02:40It has been for a long, long time.
02:43Everything's cool.
02:45And it's lovely and the fishing is great.
02:54I guess we should start with Glasgow then.
02:57Yeah.
02:58The tenements, if you lived there, it was a great place.
03:13It was like a vertical village.
03:15You all knew each other.
03:17And people thought it was a violent place.
03:20But it was great.
03:22And the buildings were great.
03:24They weren't an eyesore.
03:26They looked shabby, but they were brilliant.
03:39That's my father.
03:41It was weird.
03:42It was hard for him because his wife had left.
03:46And he was left with the two kids.
03:49I haven't seen any of these in years.
03:55It's not a happy thing.
03:58My childhood wasn't a happy time.
04:01It was a dark time.
04:04It was deeply violent.
04:06Very violent indeed.
04:08I was beaten up a lot by my aunts.
04:10One in particular.
04:12But I think everybody was beaten up by their parents.
04:15But it seems to have had a profound influence on me.
04:17I think it's because I felt kind of abandoned as a child.
04:20And then kind of entrapped by this crazy auntie.
04:25You're giving her a rough ride, but she did take you on.
04:28It was very, very big of her to take on the responsibility.
04:31But having said that, I wish people wouldn't do that.
04:34I wish they wouldn't be very big for five minutes
04:37and rotten for 20 years.
04:39You know, just keep you big and keep you rotten
04:42and get out of my life.
04:44Because quite frankly, I would rather have gone to a children's home.
04:48Yeah, I remember. I remember saying it.
04:51Well, we were in a restaurant talking on the banks of the Thames.
04:56Down where Parkey lives.
04:59Name cut to Melbourne, Australia.
05:03I was walking along the road and a guy with tattoos all over the place
05:07came wandering up. He said, I saw you on TV
05:10saying you'd rather be brought up in a home.
05:12No, you wouldn't. I was brought up in a home.
05:15And it was hellish.
05:17And he was absolutely right.
05:19I was callous to say those things.
05:22It was unkind of me.
05:25Women!
05:27They hit you in the rhythm of the argument.
05:33Don't you ever let me see you do the knocking!
05:38Stop it.
05:41It's not the way to treat children.
05:44And it's funny when you see people on television saying,
05:47I don't think we should hit them, but a little tap or a slap.
05:52These words, a knock or a whack,
05:55they've all got different names for beating a child.
05:58And it doesn't work.
06:01It was cruel.
06:03And it wasn't right.
06:05When I was eight, and I longed to be adult,
06:08I longed for my childhood to be over,
06:11I used to think, where's all the fun?
06:14We're supposed to be having fun, we're in a family,
06:17I read books at school,
06:19where the children are having a great time with their parents,
06:22whatever happened to our great time?
06:25And it wasn't there.
06:31That's Flo.
06:33My sister, who looked after me in my childhood
06:36and my young adult life.
06:41She was my guardian.
06:43She used to physically look after me.
06:46Those guys would want to beat me up
06:48and she would appear in the middle of it.
06:50Sort them out.
06:54There was one guy called McConkie.
06:57He was always picking on me, he was twice the size of me.
07:00I remember in the dining hall,
07:02he was leaning over the table threatening me
07:04and she came in behind him
07:06and she clapped her hands on his ears.
07:09He never came near me again.
07:12She was amazing.
07:14She turned out to be a schoolteacher,
07:16which she wanted to be all her life.
07:33The curving skin of a great ship
07:35used to be fastened piece by piece to the ribs
07:37and the stocks are open to the sky.
07:39In prefabrication, they are married here to the bars,
07:43forming a wave of steel.
07:46The welder is king in prefabrication.
07:51A dense line of unbearable heat
07:54fuels the great ship.
07:56It's a great ship.
07:59A dense line of unbearable heat
08:02fuses steel to steel.
08:04Genius.
08:05Turning a heap of plates
08:07into one continuous section of a ship.
08:13They're what I belong to.
08:15That's what I am.
08:16I'm a comedian
08:18and it's a nice thing to be
08:20but I'm essentially a Clydeside worker
08:23who got lucky.
08:28Mighty pieces of steel assembly
08:30find their places in the great jigsaw.
08:37I loved the Clyde.
08:38I loved working there.
08:39I loved the men.
08:40I loved the camaraderie.
08:42It was just a lovely time in my life
08:45working with genuinely funny men.
08:51Lucas and Douglas,
08:53they were a carpenter and a plater
08:55and I was working with them as a welder.
08:58We were called the Erection Squad.
09:00How's that for a title?
09:02And Lucas,
09:04he was in the pump
09:06and he was having a good time with his friends
09:08drinking whiskey
09:10and his wife came in
09:12and she said,
09:13come on, dinner's out.
09:15He said, there'll be a minute.
09:17I'll just finish this one.
09:20She said, come on, there's no time.
09:22He said, take your time.
09:23I'll get one for you.
09:25There you are.
09:26There's a nice whiskey.
09:27Get it down you.
09:29She went, right, OK.
09:31How can you drink that?
09:33He said, see,
09:34and you think I'm out enjoying myself.
09:39It was just,
09:40that's the kind of stuff
09:41they used to talk to me about.
09:43Do-do do-do-do-do, do-do do-do do-do
09:45do-do do-do-do-do, do-do do-do
09:47do-do do-do-do-do, do-do do-do
09:49do-do do-do-do-do, do-do do-do
09:51do-do do-do-do-do, do-do do-do
09:53Do-do
09:54We're going to flu-res now
09:55because it's our Song for Glasgow competition.
09:58Here's the first one.
10:00It's called Old Man, Young Man
10:02and it's going to be sung by Billy Connolly
10:05and Tom Harvey on slide guitar.
10:10Those hellies.
10:13You're an old man, standing here today, but we'll have you down to rubble by Monday.
10:22You're a young man, think you're looking good, but the wains will hardly know you on Sunday.
10:29You're an old wife, and you're frightened to go out of the door.
10:34That's nice.
10:35You've a front room, that's a dainty you could eat off the floor.
10:40I was a different guy then. A different voice. I didn't have the smoky voice.
10:46And Tam was a good player.
10:49You're a wino, and your body's falling out of your clothes.
10:54You're a secret.
10:55I remember doing it. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to sing anybody else's songs.
11:00I would rather have me sing something of my own.
11:04But I decided to let it go and do it.
11:08It was a nice feeling. And I'm seeing it again. I'm pleased with it.
11:15I got through it.
11:18It's not a prize winning performance, but I got through it.
11:38Good evening and welcome. Tonight in my programme, someone who means everything in Scotland, and as yet, very little down here.
11:52I say as yet, because I think that this young man is one of the most original and best comedians I've heard in many a day.
11:58Ladies and gentlemen, a very special welcome, please, to Billy Connolly.
12:12People always say, of course, about Glasgow, where you've come from, or the part of Glasgow you've come from, that you have to be a comedian to live there.
12:20Would that be true?
12:22Well, you sort of have to be able to take a joke you live there.
12:26A guy came up to me in the street. I hope I can get away with this. It's a beauty.
12:34And he said, do you hear about the one, the guy who had done his wife in and that?
12:40And I said, no.
12:42He said, this guy was going out to meet his friend in the pub.
12:45And he went down.
12:47He said, oh, hello, how's it going? Fine, fine.
12:49He said, how's the wife?
12:50He said, oh, she's dead.
12:51He said, what?
12:52He says, dead.
12:53Do it again.
12:54Dead.
12:55I murdered her.
12:57He said, look, I'm not talking to you if you keep on talking like that.
13:00He said, well, please yourself.
13:01I'll show you if you want.
13:02He said, ah, show me.
13:03So we're up to his tenement building through the close.
13:06And sure enough, there's a big mound of earth.
13:09But there's a bum sticking out of it.
13:14He says, is that her?
13:15He says, aye.
13:17He says, where'd you leave a bum sticking out of her?
13:19He says, I need somewhere to park my bike.
13:26That made me.
13:32That was a great moment.
13:34To see Parkie melting like that was just brilliant.
13:38I don't think I told it very well.
13:41But it went well enough.
13:44And it made me.
13:46I became a star.
13:54I remember being in the Civic Theatre, Newcastle.
13:58And it was half full.
14:00I was delighted, because the previous time I'd been there,
14:02it was quarter full.
14:04And that was a week before I did this show.
14:07I did the show, and I've never looked back.
14:19That was the day I got married to Iris.
14:23It's a time in my life I have cut out and left.
14:29It's a weird picture.
14:31We both looked drunk.
14:33We both were drunk.
14:35I got married in the government office in Glasgow.
14:39And we had a horse and cart to take us to the Scotia Bar.
14:44But we got half legless.
14:47And then I played the gig that night in Kilmarnock.
14:52It was a strange thing to go from being married
14:56addicted to alcohol.
15:16When you see yourself in the leotard and the banana...
15:19Yes.
15:21I can feel it.
15:23I used to put the hairs on my legs the wrong way.
15:27It was an uncomfortable feeling.
15:30And my crotch was weird.
15:33Having this tightness around my crotch.
15:39But once I was doing it, I was having a great time.
15:43And I never spoke about it.
15:45I never referred to it.
15:47I just did it.
15:54MUSIC
15:59If something happens to you
16:01on the way from the dressing room to the stage
16:05that is magical, to say the least,
16:09you change personality as you walk out.
16:13At the least, that's how it feels.
16:15And you turn to the left and the audience are there.
16:18You say, hello, and you wave.
16:20And they all go crazy.
16:22It's a forest. Trindle, trindle.
16:25And the lid opens and the head comes out.
16:28Hello.
16:30My name's Bob and I'm a born leader.
16:33It's weird.
16:35It's watching someone else.
16:38Poor guy.
16:40It's so bad.
16:42And there's Harry. He's down on one knee
16:44with a frying pan over a wee fire.
16:48He's got two eggs in it.
16:51I forget when I was like that.
16:53I'm not very good.
16:55I'm lost. I'm disjointed and boring.
16:59And then the big BBC voice comes on and says,
17:02will you be happy going to your work tomorrow?
17:05I say, bloody right I will, pal, aye.
17:08I thought I better change.
17:11This stuff isn't going to be good enough
17:15for the new people who are going to come along.
17:18I better have something special to give them.
17:21I better think more.
17:25It was a distinct time in my life when I decided to work.
17:30I said, I'm going to have to move on.
17:34It's a frightening thing.
17:42That's Jamie and Cara and Iris.
17:46And we're in a lovely house in Highland Road in Glasgow.
17:49And I was very successful.
17:52But I was very naive.
17:55And I was about to fall on my arse with alcohol.
18:00I just was about to blow it.
18:07Yeah, you say that, but in that period of time,
18:10you were incredibly prolific.
18:12Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Billy Connolly.
18:15Mr Billy Connolly.
18:16Billy Connolly.
18:20Angel of Eyes and Corners.
18:27Glamis.
18:28Yes, that's it.
18:31It must have felt like you could do anything.
18:33Yeah, that's how it felt at the time.
18:36And you can't do anything.
18:39And some people go on to do everything.
18:43I did my best.
18:46But I got drunk and threw myself around.
18:49And it was a waste of time and energy.
18:52But that happens to a lot of people.
18:54They don't know how to get rid of the feeling
18:56that comes from being successful.
18:59It makes you lonely.
19:01It picks you out as one person with a big light on them.
19:04And it's difficult to live with.
19:07So you handle it in different ways.
19:10Some people join monasteries.
19:12Others get drunk.
19:14I got drunk.
19:25This is your life.
19:26These, the studios of Thames Television, Teddington.
19:28And any second now, the man who's helping me
19:30spring tonight's surprise,
19:31host of the big Hogmanay show later tonight,
19:34Kenny Everett, will be taking into the studios here
19:36a great Glasgow character, the man I'm after.
19:41Oh, my God!
19:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:46Come in here!
19:48He told me that we were doing a sketch.
19:51I was completely shocked.
19:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:05To give a special early start to Hogmanay celebrations.
20:08To say to Glasgow's own Big Yin, Billy Connolly,
20:11tonight this is your life.
20:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:22In 1963, at the age of 21,
20:24you moved to work as a welder on the building of the QE2.
20:27And it was there you got the description,
20:29the Big Yin that's been welded to your name ever since,
20:32by the man who was in charge of your section, John Daglish.
20:35Hello, Billy. Long time, no see.
20:37This guy was a total fraud.
20:41That's... I didn't know him.
20:44I didn't know him in the shipyards and I didn't know him now.
20:47He came on and he bluffed it.
20:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:53I didn't let him know. I didn't blow it for him.
20:57Thank you, John.
20:58It's a weird thing to use fame to move on a bit.
21:02And from your position, it's nothing.
21:06They're trying to grab a bit of nothing.
21:09And it's quite frightening at times,
21:12as they strip your life away and give you this other life.
21:16And it's just kind of creepy.
21:18Hello, Eamon. Hello, Billy.
21:20The kids, Jamie and Cara, would like a word with you.
21:23Hello, Dad. We miss you when you're on tour and we know you miss us.
21:28Hello, Daddy. Here's all the dogs, Cor, Ben and Sheena.
21:32ROOSTER CROWS
21:34And of course, Billy, we mustn't forget the latest member of the family,
21:38the new puppy, Parkie.
21:40Come on, Parkie. Come on.
21:44Well, Billy, you're very much a family man.
21:46And needless to say, they're here, your wife, Iris,
21:49and the children, Jamie and Cara.
21:51APPLAUSE
21:55It wasn't the nicest thing to happen to me in my life.
21:59My life was a mess at the time.
22:01My wife and I weren't getting along.
22:04And it was all coming in on me, ready to collapse in a heap.
22:08I wasn't sure what to do about it.
22:11Iris, during your courting days,
22:13Billy here had done quite a bit of travelling,
22:15and in 1968 you decided it was time you saw something of the world too.
22:19That's right. I decided to go to France to pick grapes.
22:22That's right. And, er...
22:24She was a hippie. I was a hippie.
22:27Why did you decide?
22:29Gosh, you're fine, aren't you?
22:31We actually had a fight, and, yes, I'm going away as well.
22:35So I went to France, and we didn't keep in touch with each other.
22:38After about four months, I got a letter saying,
22:41come home now, or don't bother coming home at all.
22:44And what was your action about, Iris?
22:47I quit the job and hitchhiked off.
22:49And did he propose to you straight away?
22:51No, not really. I proposed to him.
22:55Love is easy.
22:57Love is easy. It's everything else that's hard.
23:04Love's the easiest thing on earth.
23:06It just falls on you and devours you.
23:08And all you can do is return it.
23:13But then again, sometimes the world comes along and takes control.
23:18You fall in love with somebody and you're a welder
23:21who plays the banjo on a Wednesday night.
23:24And a year or two later,
23:26you're the best-known person in your country,
23:29and you're supposed to behave the same.
23:33When all these different pressures are on you,
23:36I don't know, it's difficult.
23:40And to make it even worse, Pamela was on the show.
23:44Recently, you were asked to perform
23:46with Britain's New Wave award-winning comedy team.
23:49If you look at that screen, taking time out to greet you,
23:53are those pals of yours the stars of Not The Nine O'Clock News?
23:57Hello. Hello. Hello, London.
23:59It was horrible.
24:04That's Pamela being Pamela Stevenson. Yeah.
24:10Well, hello.
24:12And tonight I'm talking to Billy Connolly,
24:15a well-known Scottish comedian.
24:18Billy, I understand that when you first came to England,
24:22people had a lot of trouble understanding your accent.
24:28Sorry?
24:30And what was it like working on Not The Nine O'Clock News?
24:33It was wonderful.
24:36I went down to where they were rehearsing,
24:38and the door opened, and Pamela came by
24:41on a trolley that has bottles and stuff on it, and drinks,
24:46and she was on the top of it like this, whizzing her arm.
24:50I thought, they're all off their heads.
24:55I think it's worth saying as well, Pamela was a huge star, wasn't she?
24:59Yeah.
25:00First of all, a lady whose talents have been described
25:03as wicked mimicry, savage social comment and stripping off.
25:07Ladies and gentlemen, Pamela Stevenson.
25:09CHEERING
25:13So, how did you get together?
25:15She came to see me in Brighton,
25:17and we were back in the hotel, and Pamela said,
25:20I'm going to bed.
25:22I said, oh, aye, I'll see you in a minute.
25:24And that was the beginning of it.
25:29Little did I know we would be married and have children
25:32who would grow up to be lovely people.
25:38So this is the height of tabloid mayhem in some respects,
25:41and the press are having a field day with you guys.
25:45Oh, that's me fighting.
25:48I didn't realise there was pictures like that of it.
25:56Pamela came and the fame came,
25:59and I was living with her, and the papers went crazy.
26:06And the cows are on the street.
26:08It just went over the top, and they were following me
26:11and running after me in the street.
26:13And this guy was outside taking my picture.
26:17And I took the camera and I smashed it in the street.
26:20It was very dramatic.
26:22And I had to buy it. I had to pay for it.
26:25But it was worth it.
26:27Alcohol doesn't make you clever, you know.
26:30And the day I found out I was in a phone box in London
26:34and I couldn't get out...
26:37I couldn't work... I did nothing wrong with the door,
26:40I just couldn't work it out.
26:42I mean, it's hardly Hampton Court Maze, is it?
26:45I mean, the phone's on one of the walls,
26:48that cuts it down to three.
27:00Marriage to Pam, it didn't change me, it saved me.
27:04I think Pam actually said to me,
27:06I don't like this, I mean, I don't like the fact
27:09that I'm out there with a drunk.
27:11I can't stand it.
27:12And from that moment on, he went like that and he stopped it.
27:15When you gave up, was that a problem for you?
27:18No. I gave up and that'll do me.
27:21Did you worry about it?
27:23I thought I might lose my wildness.
27:26And then I thought, well, it's not wildness.
27:29It's pretendy wildness.
27:31And so I don't have any regrets.
27:34I'm perfectly happy.
27:46There's another fabulous thing.
27:48Incontinence knickers.
27:50Oh, that's a good one.
27:52So the guy's young and trendy,
27:54and then he sees the advert, right, that'll do me.
27:58And then he sees the advert, right, that'll do me.
28:02Give us a pair of them.
28:05Give us a bit of that.
28:09They love me tying the legs.
28:12That's the very fellows for me.
28:17The see-through plus fours.
28:20Get the trendy baggy trousers on.
28:22And off to the discotheque, giving it a bit of that, yeah.
28:26Hey, how are you doing? What's your sign?
28:28Sagittarius? All right.
28:35Care's not a jot.
28:39That's good.
28:42Ah, thank you, ponies. I love the magic.
28:49It's a couple of years ago.
28:51I don't know when it was shot.
28:5485.
28:5685?
28:57Yeah.
28:58My God.
29:00That's a long time.
29:04It's seven gallons down each leg.
29:18I'll take you home in a minute.
29:21I'll just go and empty my underwear.
29:27When a television programme gets old,
29:30people watch it and count the dead people.
29:34That's what happens.
29:36People die, but they remain young.
29:43The only other time I ever felt like that
29:45I had a drink in America called a zombie.
29:48It's an extraordinary concept.
29:51You get drunk from the bottom up.
29:55You're perfectly lucid.
29:57Talking away,
29:58Oh, yeah, I've been there.
30:00Yeah.
30:02Have you got the time?
30:03Oh, is that British time?
30:04You're being very...
30:05Oh, terrific.
30:06Jet setty in her bane.
30:07Until you need to go to the toilet.
30:09Your legs are pissed.
30:12Excuse me, I'll just go to the toilet.
30:18Peter Kaye said he was watching it with his dad
30:21and he'd come out of his chair
30:23and was on his hands and knees on the floor
30:26laughing at the carpet.
30:28I'm very proud of that.
30:30Peter Kaye is a genius.
30:32And to get a compliment like that from him is amazing.
30:49Breaking America, how important was it to you?
30:53It was important to me.
30:55It always seemed to me, right or wrong,
30:58it seemed that if you didn't have America,
31:01you didn't have it all.
31:03That was my dream.
31:08It was a colossally big target.
31:11And I'm not surprised people give up.
31:14But I couldn't.
31:19We love it!
31:23I love L.A.
31:27We love it!
31:29Oh, this is brilliant, Bernadette.
31:31I cannot wait till the weekend.
31:33I was in a sitcom.
31:35Head of the class.
31:36I was the schoolteacher.
31:38It wasn't all that good,
31:40but I made a name for myself in town.
31:43Just think of it.
31:44Our very first official, legitimate,
31:46sanctioned by the US Olympic Committee, date!
31:49This is one of the big three, you know.
31:51Birth, first date, death!
31:54You seem to be having a great time.
31:56I had a wonderful time.
31:58It's a brave thing to do because it can make a huge mistake.
32:02But it worked out brilliantly.
32:05I had a lot of good friends, and I still have.
32:12I started smashing photograph.
32:16The last time I actually saw him on stage was in New York.
32:19He was playing at the Brooklyn Academy of Music.
32:22And I was really curious to see if it worked.
32:25I don't like the whole concept, anyway, of flying in aeroplanes.
32:29There's something basically wrong with it.
32:33We don't fucking belong up there.
32:37I don't like it.
32:39It seems like anything that he sees,
32:41he can talk about and incorporate, you know.
32:43That's the beauty of it.
32:45I think it's like he's on total...
32:47Maybe that's where we're similar.
32:49He just sees stuff and it's all processed
32:51and it comes out at whatever time he needs it.
32:53I think that's where we're both kind of absorbent in that way.
33:03It was a lovely thing to meet him and think,
33:06I'm not alone.
33:08There's other people trying to be funny without telling jokes.
33:12I listen to the wind, to the wind of my soul
33:18When he took his life,
33:20it was the saddest day.
33:23He phoned me and said,
33:25let's have dinner.
33:27And during the dinner, he said,
33:29I love you.
33:31I said, thanks very much.
33:33He said, do you believe me?
33:35I said, of course I do.
33:37He said, believe me, I love you.
33:39I said, that's great.
33:41It's very weird.
33:43It's very weird for him to say that.
33:45It's not like his usual.
33:47And he was dead on the weekend.
33:52I always felt that was him saying goodbye.
33:57And it was a sad day in my life
34:00because I saw his whole career.
34:03And it was...
34:06stunning.
34:08He was like a rocket ship.
34:10He just took off.
34:12He was the best ever.
34:18Do you think it'd be fair to say that therapy saved your life?
34:22Yeah.
34:23I've met many people who know what happened to me.
34:26And they come up and they say, it happened to me.
34:29And I say, how are you doing?
34:31They say, I'm not so good.
34:33I say, forgive the person.
34:36They say, I read that.
34:38I said it, but I find it too hard.
34:40Try harder.
34:42Sit the person down on a chair.
34:45An invisible chair.
34:47Just a chair in your house.
34:49And say, why did you do it?
34:51Then go and sit in the chair and answer him.
34:54Do his answer as yourself.
34:59And you'll be amazed at what you find.
35:02Just, they're dead now.
35:05It can't be their fault.
35:07You must try harder.
35:23Your manager, John, used to refer to your movie career as your expensive hobby.
35:27That's right.
35:29They thought it was a waste of time.
35:33I loved it.
35:35I did 54 movies, but that took nearly 50 years to do.
35:49Well, if we're going to talk about any of them, it has to be this one.
35:52I do.
35:53I cannot believe you're saying this.
35:54You have relied on all this time.
35:56I have relied on it before.
35:57It's my duty.
35:58After all you promised me.
35:59I've broken no promise.
36:01You're forcing me to do the very thing you know I fear most.
36:03For God's sake, woman, I'm trying to see you safe.
36:05I will not hear any more about my safety.
36:08You made me a promise and now you've broken it.
36:10It's a great scene.
36:13Because I knew it was right for you.
36:15When I got the burns off your back just to give you a bit of peace.
36:19When I saw you safe from home to home.
36:21When you didn't even know if I was there.
36:23All I ever thought about was you.
36:25Then why send me back to them?
36:27Because I have to.
36:30That was the moment.
36:32That was the movie.
36:34Where I stretched myself.
36:37And I think I did okay.
36:39It was a hurdle that I had to cross.
36:43In order to be an entertainer of a certain stature.
36:48I had to be able to do this.
36:51And I did it.
37:00Your prostate lives up there.
37:08It's part of this but it lives up the back there.
37:10And it's a round thing.
37:12Kind of like a donut.
37:13And his job is to check that it hasn't become a bagel yet.
37:19There are two ways in.
37:21One is a camera through the hole in your willy.
37:24Fuck that.
37:27The other way is up the bum with a KY jelly.
37:32And a finger.
37:34Which is not my idea of a good time.
37:37But much easier than a camera crew crawling up your dick.
37:43My doctor usually goes like that.
37:45And he fiddles about.
37:47Feels fine Bill.
37:49That's okay. You're in good shape.
37:50Thanks a lot.
37:51Bang and we go home.
37:52At first it was awful.
37:53Now it's fair enough.
37:54But I got there.
38:00But the last time we did it, he did it.
38:07One holding his hand.
38:13Oh that's funny.
38:17When you go along those lines of just speaking your mind.
38:22A very exciting thing happens.
38:24You get very excited.
38:26And you just blurt out everything that comes in.
38:30And it's lovely.
38:31And so you can take yourself by surprise like I did in that cut.
38:36You get to be in the point that the audience is usually in.
38:40And so you can get carried off with it.
38:43It's just such a luxury.
38:45And not many people get.
38:48The funny thing is you can watch these things and laugh.
38:51Because you haven't done them again.
38:53They just came and went.
39:01Right.
39:02One last clip for you to look at.
39:09At this point I'm going to explain my health issues to you.
39:14It'll save you symptom spotting.
39:19APPLAUSE
39:27I've got Parkinson's disease.
39:29And I wish he'd fucking kept it to himself.
39:31But there you go.
39:37It affects the left side of me mostly.
39:40The way I walk.
39:41And this shuggles about.
39:43This left hand.
39:44But as I'm doing the show tonight, you'll notice.
39:47Maybe you won't, but you probably will.
39:50This hand climbs up like this.
39:55When I'm talking about something else,
39:57it thinks I'm not noticing it climbs up there.
40:00And the strangest thing is if I look at it,
40:02it dashes away guiltily.
40:08Was it hard doing that?
40:10No, it's easy.
40:12It's easy when you did something as big as that.
40:16You just confront it and stick to the front of it.
40:20And be with it.
40:22Make decisions based on it.
40:24And don't think you're being that badly treated.
40:29That you've got the bad pick of the straws.
40:33It's not like that.
40:35You're one of millions.
40:37Just behave yourself.
40:39Relax.
40:41Well, I'm glad you find Parkinson's funny.
40:44You realise it isn't the big thing
40:47that everybody's made out to be, death.
40:50It's nothing.
40:52It's a sudden nothing.
41:03That's it.
41:05For you, the war is over.
41:08I met Ian Holm, the actor who suffers from it.
41:12And he has had it longer than me.
41:15And he says, do you shake much, your hands?
41:18And I said, no, when I'm nervous or when I'm tired,
41:20it shakes a bit.
41:22He said, oh yeah, it probably will.
41:24He said, I'll give you a bit of advice.
41:26If it shakes, just stick it in your pocket.
41:35He forgot to mention jacket pocket.
41:42It dawned on me, as I was getting ready to go out,
41:46that this is the last time I'll do this.
41:49And it was a joyous feeling.
41:51It was...
41:53I had done it right.
41:55And I was about to complete it.
41:58And it was lovely. It was a lovely feeling.
42:01I don't regret it for a second.
42:03And what I thought was amazing is,
42:05you've seen the arc of where it goes from,
42:08you're big and you're filling the stage,
42:10and then by the time you get to that point,
42:12you're holding the stage and you're barely moving.
42:15Yeah.
42:17It's the completeness of it.
42:20It's just...
42:22The stage has been good to me.
42:24And it held me up at the end.
42:30You've seen your life passing before you, I guess,
42:32in the last few days. Yes.
42:34How's it been, watching yourself going through that process?
42:37It's great.
42:39It's embarrassing watching the early stuff,
42:42as I hadn't a clue what I was doing.
42:46And it was very satisfying watching the later stuff,
42:49when I had got a grip of it,
42:51and it was working for me.
42:53At the beginning, I was working for it.
42:57And I was hopeless.
43:00And it's good to get good.
43:10It's lovely watching yourself age.
43:13It's not a scary process.
43:16It's the truth.
43:18I don't like it, because I limp,
43:21and I've got a sore back.
43:24That's a pain in the arse.
43:27Everything else is brilliant.
43:30Being this age, looking at the world with these eyes,
43:34who have seen so much,
43:36it's a joy.
43:40What do you feel proudest of?
43:44That I feel proud of making Glasgow laugh at itself.
43:50I've taken uncomfortable bits
43:53and made fun of them, and it's worked.
43:57I am delighted to have reached this stage,
44:01and that the audience have come with me.
44:05We did the trip together.
44:09I am an example of people
44:12who didn't listen to the teacher
44:15when she told them that they were rubbish
44:19and they would come to nothing.
44:22I was told that on many occasions,
44:25and I love meeting them for that reason.
44:28I was told,
44:30I was told,
44:32I was told,
44:34I was told,
44:36and I love meeting them for that reason.
44:39I like to see them squirm.
45:06Yee-haw!