Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00I hear ya, I can't do it. Look at this.
00:00:02Oh, oh, who is the little brunette with the big guy? What'd he do? Did he kill her?
00:00:05Assault.
00:00:06He beat her up.
00:00:07She kicked his ass, actually.
00:00:09Huh, yeah?
00:00:10Yeah, so she caught him having sex with the neighbor.
00:00:14There was an altercation, and he's suing her for damages.
00:00:19So she hired me to make it all go away.
00:00:21She still loves the guy.
00:00:23She wants him back after he boomed the neighbor.
00:00:25I don't know what to tell you, man.
00:00:27Sexual impulses are strong, but sometimes I guess love is stronger.
00:00:31Is that the Hayworth file?
00:00:33It sure is.
00:00:34So you're handling the arbitration?
00:00:36Yeah, I got you covered.
00:00:37You bet. You can head on to the kids.
00:00:39Oh.
00:00:40Oh, oh.
00:00:42Hey, honey.
00:00:44No, honey, the Adderall's in the green bottle. It's organic.
00:00:48Yeah.
00:00:49No, honey, it's right next to the...
00:00:51Oh, no.
00:00:54That's liquid gold.
00:00:57Oh, crap.
00:00:59Nope.
00:01:00That's a goner.
00:01:02Honey, you're going to have to take some milk out of the freezer.
00:01:05I lost the afternoon load.
00:01:07Sorry.
00:01:12It's still warm.
00:01:18I don't care.
00:01:19Calvin, meet you in my office.
00:01:21I don't care.
00:01:22Calvin, meet you in my office.
00:01:44You closed the door behind you.
00:01:51You like it here, don't you, Calvin?
00:01:53Your work has been outstanding.
00:01:55Your partners have noticed.
00:01:57Yeah.
00:01:58You know, I'm surprised, but you can actually do good work in an oversized law firm with hourly rates higher than God's.
00:02:05Hmm.
00:02:06How are the women's rights cases going?
00:02:09Just fine. Great.
00:02:11Still winning?
00:02:12Undefeated.
00:02:14But you knew that.
00:02:16That's good.
00:02:18That's really good.
00:02:20Gina, why am I here?
00:02:23I have a situation that needs handling, and I think you're just the person for the job.
00:02:29Client?
00:02:30Blogger.
00:02:31My sister, actually.
00:02:35Ah, the mysterious sister you never speak of.
00:02:39She was only 15 when our dad died.
00:02:41Just a kid, really.
00:02:44She was heartbroken.
00:02:46And then I went off to law school.
00:02:50Well, I'm sure she's fine.
00:02:53She might look fine from the outside.
00:02:56She's a successful scientist here in Portland, actually.
00:02:59She writes formulas for Fortune 500 companies.
00:03:02What kind of formulas?
00:03:04Various things.
00:03:05Did you know that there is a formula for happiness?
00:03:09Yeah.
00:03:10It's called whiskey.
00:03:11Hmm.
00:03:13Anyway, that is all a facade.
00:03:17The real Lauren is a different person altogether.
00:03:21Look at this.
00:03:28The pig theory.
00:03:31The point of infidelity and guilt.
00:03:36Gina, this is kind of awesome.
00:03:38It's not awesome. It's insane.
00:03:40Can you imagine the impact she's having on these people's lives?
00:03:43Not to mention her own mental well-being.
00:03:46They're empowering her.
00:03:48She's been offered a very lucrative book deal.
00:03:52And I'm just concerned that if she writes that book,
00:03:58the girl I grew up with will be gone forever.
00:04:01So I need you to stop her.
00:04:04The blog, the book, all of it.
00:04:08And how exactly am I supposed to do that?
00:04:12I don't care how you do it.
00:04:14Use your powers of persuasion.
00:04:16You're undefeated, right?
00:04:18Women love you.
00:04:22You want me to mess with this poor girl's head?
00:04:24No, just take her to drinks.
00:04:28You know, show her that there are good guys out there.
00:04:31Guys like you.
00:04:34Yeah.
00:04:36I'm sorry. I can't do that.
00:04:41I ain't a feeling you'd say that.
00:04:43So, I have an offer for you.
00:04:47Do this, and I'll recommend that you make partner to the board.
00:04:51Now that's cold, Gina. You know I deserve to make partner.
00:04:55Yes, you do. And this will guarantee it.
00:04:59Tucker, Aronson, Malden, and Chesney.
00:05:04Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
00:05:10Okay.
00:05:14Okay, I'll talk to her.
00:05:19And I'll get her to shut down the blog.
00:05:25I knew you'd say things my way.
00:05:55No, no, you tell him I will make that donation to popular science.
00:06:23I don't want any recognition for it.
00:06:25People need their science, man.
00:06:29Whoa, whoa.
00:06:31Hey, you okay there?
00:06:33Yeah.
00:06:34Mind if I take a look?
00:06:38Can I have my leg back?
00:06:40Yeah, sorry.
00:06:44Let me help you up.
00:06:49There you go.
00:06:50Thanks.
00:06:51Listen, that could be a nasty sprain. Why don't I get you some ice? Maybe a cup of coffee?
00:06:58You know, I don't know you. I'm sorry. Why would I get coffee with you?
00:07:04Well, I'm Calvin.
00:07:18Thanks.
00:07:22I'm Lauren, by the way.
00:07:24Nice to meet you.
00:07:27What's in the folder there?
00:07:30It's my work. I'm a scientist, but I mainly just work on product improvement.
00:07:34And it's a report on a formula I was developing.
00:07:37Wow, that sounds serious.
00:07:40Not so much. It's the formula for, I don't know, the perfect pizza.
00:07:45Cheese, crust, and beer?
00:07:47Basically, right, yeah. I mean, there might be a few more factors at play, but...
00:07:51Such as?
00:07:52All right, well, so the perfect pizza boils down to that first perfect bite, you know?
00:07:59But with these larger pizzas, you know, sometimes the crust can get a little soggy, especially in the middle.
00:08:04But you can calculate the perfect ratio between the thickness of the pizza's crust and the constant volume of toppings,
00:08:12then you can formulate the perfect bite.
00:08:16Anyway, our client used the formula to add nine grams of dough to their pizza,
00:08:22and now some say it's the perfect pizza.
00:08:26Wow.
00:08:28Yeah.
00:08:30Well, you know what this means, don't you?
00:08:33Actually, I really don't.
00:08:36It means that you have to take me to this place, and we need to experience this perfect pizza.
00:08:44I don't know. I should probably just...
00:08:47Come on, you have to. It's the perfect pizza, can't wait.
00:08:50Okay, okay. You're kind of putting me on the spot here, but all right, let's try the pizza.
00:08:54If you can walk, you can eat pizza.
00:08:56I can hobble down the street a little bit.
00:08:58All right, terrific. Perfect pizza. Tell a guy about a perfect pizza.
00:09:03Come on. You need this?
00:09:05Yeah, thank you.
00:09:06Shouldn't you trust me with this?
00:09:08Shouldn't you trust me with this?
00:09:10Well, I got to say, that is a pretty good pizza.
00:09:15Pretty good.
00:09:16I don't know if it's the perfect pizza.
00:09:18Oh, I see.
00:09:19Thank you.
00:09:20It's pretty good. I'll give it to you. It's pretty good.
00:09:23It's pretty good? Okay. Thank you. I'll take pretty good.
00:09:39Thank you.
00:09:45What's up, Akle?
00:09:47It's okay.
00:09:50Well, thank you for the ice.
00:09:53Yeah, thank you for the pizza.
00:09:57It was great to meet you.
00:09:59Great meeting you, Laura.
00:10:02Good night.
00:10:09Hey, Laura.
00:10:13Can I see you again?
00:10:19Maybe.
00:10:23That's not a no.
00:10:38Bye.
00:10:57Voodoo?
00:11:01Thank you.
00:11:02You're welcome. You're welcome.
00:11:04That's super sweet.
00:11:05It is super sweet.
00:11:06It is super sweet.
00:11:07But I do love this place.
00:11:08One at a time there.
00:11:38You're welcome.
00:11:41You're welcome.
00:12:07Yeah, no, I was really lucky to get this place.
00:12:09I moved in two years ago.
00:12:10Yeah, it's really nice.
00:12:15So.
00:12:16So.
00:12:18You know, you don't have to leave right away.
00:12:22You can stay the night if you want.
00:12:28Okay.
00:12:31I'd like that.
00:12:34But I can't.
00:12:37Um.
00:12:39But I thought we were.
00:12:41That we had been.
00:12:42We are.
00:12:44We are.
00:12:46And, um.
00:12:49That's why I don't want to take this to the next level until we've been totally honest with each other.
00:12:56I thought we had been.
00:13:07I know about your blog.
00:13:11The, um, pig theory.
00:13:15Everything.
00:13:19Blog?
00:13:21What blog?
00:13:22Gina told me.
00:13:25She's my boss.
00:13:29Did Gina put you up to this?
00:13:31No. No.
00:13:32Nobody.
00:13:33Nobody put me up to anything.
00:13:35I saw a picture of you on her desk.
00:13:38And she told me about the blog.
00:13:42Wow.
00:13:43I was intrigued.
00:13:47Yeah.
00:13:48About all that.
00:13:50About donating to Popular Science Magazine.
00:13:53I mean, you were outside my office.
00:13:55Just an excuse to meet you.
00:13:59I didn't know you were going to sprain your ankle.
00:14:01But, um.
00:14:04Yeah.
00:14:06I mean, if you read the blog, then why would you want to meet me?
00:14:11You intrigued me.
00:14:15Still do.
00:14:21Hey, come on.
00:14:23This past week has been great.
00:14:26Right?
00:14:28So, um.
00:14:31Maybe you'd show me more.
00:14:35More of the real you.
00:14:42Okay.
00:14:44You want to see more?
00:14:48Come up to my office.
00:14:55Okay.
00:15:01Alright.
00:15:09So.
00:15:10As you can see, the blog is kind of a big deal.
00:15:18Are these all your followers?
00:15:20I've got just under two million globally.
00:15:22I was even thinking about turning the whole thing into a book.
00:15:26Wow.
00:15:28It's impressive.
00:15:30It is.
00:15:31And the blog's good, too. I've read it.
00:15:35Don't you know what impresses me more?
00:15:38The fact that you haven't written anything since we met.
00:15:42You've had a full week, not one post.
00:15:45That gives a guy a little hope.
00:15:47You know?
00:15:49Hope that maybe the pig slayer has met someone.
00:15:53You just ready to turn over a new leaf and shut all this down?
00:15:59Shut it down?
00:16:03What would I tell all these people?
00:16:05I mean, I'm sorry, but some of them I've actually changed their lives.
00:16:10For example, this one.
00:16:12I asked my heart to please stop breaking.
00:16:14I prayed to God for a cure.
00:16:16Then I found the pig slayer.
00:16:18They kind of depend on me. I can't just shut it down.
00:16:21Sure you can.
00:16:23What is that?
00:16:25What's that there? B minus C?
00:16:27What is all that?
00:16:29It's my infidelity formula.
00:16:31It's what the theory's based on.
00:16:34Your infidelity formula?
00:16:36Yeah.
00:16:37Okay, explain.
00:16:40Okay. Okay.
00:16:42So, all of these variables are assigned a value of one through ten.
00:16:46Ten being the highest.
00:16:48And then you multiply boredom by the difference between the excitement of someone new and the familiarity of comfort.
00:16:55And you subtract from that the fear of conflict added with the opportunity to cheat.
00:17:00And that final value, if that's twenty or higher, then that person's going to cheat.
00:17:06And as a fail-safe, you break up after six months of dating.
00:17:11Statistically speaking, it's not safe to date for longer than that.
00:17:16And it works?
00:17:18Well, two million people agree with me.
00:17:27It's getting kind of late.
00:17:31I should feed Ripley and go to bed.
00:17:40How can you be so sure?
00:17:43I mean, essentially, you're breaking up with these people before they cheat.
00:17:48Before they have the opportunity to cheat.
00:17:50Yeah, but what if they never would have at all?
00:17:54People cheat.
00:17:56All they need is the opportunity and to know that they won't get caught.
00:17:59That's your theory?
00:18:01Yeah. Based on a pretty kick-ass formula, yes, that's my theory.
00:18:04And you won't be convinced otherwise. It's just how it is and how it's always going to be forever.
00:18:09Yeah.
00:18:10And what if I could offer a way to prove your theory wrong?
00:18:13I don't see how you'd be able to do that.
00:18:15Now, hold on, you're a scientist, right? So you know that a theory is nothing more than a theory until it's proven.
00:18:20So have you actually tested this theory?
00:18:24How could you test it?
00:18:25Okay, well, you said yourself that everybody scores a twenty or higher after six months of dating, correct?
00:18:30Yeah, correct.
00:18:31So all we would need to do is find a group of people who've been in a relationship for longer than six months
00:18:36and give them an opportunity to cheat without getting caught, right?
00:18:41I suppose...
00:18:42Now, to keep a close watch on our subjects, they would have to be people close to us.
00:18:46You know, like my friends. Are you friends?
00:18:48Wait, hold on. I don't understand. What are you proposing?
00:18:52I'm suggesting that you and I have a little competition.
00:18:57A competition?
00:18:59I pick five of my friends who've been in a relationship for longer than six months,
00:19:03and you pick the enchantresses who will be their downfall.
00:19:07You tempt them. You challenge them. You do your worst.
00:19:10You pick a situation in which you think gives them the best opportunity to cheat,
00:19:15and we'll see if they take the bait.
00:19:18Okay? Best three out of five wins.
00:19:21Okay.
00:19:23If three out of five people cheat,
00:19:25then you have to post on my blog and write a forward to the book
00:19:28about the competition and how it all went down,
00:19:31and admit that, yes, my theory is correct.
00:19:35Okay.
00:19:36But if three out of five resist,
00:19:38then you've got to post admitting you were wrong about the whole thing,
00:19:41and you've got to shut it all down.
00:19:43And you have to agree to be with me.
00:19:48Like normal people, no expiration date.
00:19:53Mmm.
00:19:55If I win, I get my six months with you.
00:20:01Really?
00:20:02Yeah.
00:20:04If I win, you still post, admit defeat,
00:20:07but I get my six months, and then we end it.
00:20:11Agreed?
00:20:14Agreed.
00:20:15Okay.
00:20:22Good night, Lauren.
00:20:38You're upset.
00:20:40I'm not upset.
00:20:41Yes, you are.
00:20:42Your voice always rises like three octaves when you're upset.
00:20:46I'm not upset.
00:20:47Now you're transgendered.
00:20:49First of all, how could you embarrass me like that?
00:20:52What, you...
00:20:56You send some guy my way who doesn't even...
00:20:59And why would he...
00:21:02First of all, I know how to find a guy.
00:21:05Finding them has never been your problem, sweetie.
00:21:09I don't have any problems.
00:21:13You know, I really thought he liked me.
00:21:15He does, you idiot. I mean, why else would he take part in this...
00:21:18What is it, a competition?
00:21:21No, you're right.
00:21:23Best three out of five wins.
00:21:24Oh, I'm so going to kick his ass.
00:21:27How exactly is this going to work?
00:21:30Okay, so we have a list of challengers, right?
00:21:34And all of these people have been in relationships for six months or longer.
00:21:38And to prove my theory correct, all I have to do is...
00:21:44tempt them.
00:21:47Oh my God, there's a list.
00:21:49What do you know about these people?
00:21:51Everything I need to know.
00:21:53Simon Walker. Okay, so he's a preppy bartender.
00:21:55The bartender at Tucci's?
00:21:56Right, exactly. Now apparently he's one of Cal's best friends,
00:21:59and he's been engaged for two years.
00:22:01Now, Cal says, oh, he wouldn't possibly cheat.
00:22:04That's a very long engagement.
00:22:06Right?
00:22:07Who's that?
00:22:09Edward Hockett.
00:22:11Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:22:12They're high school sweethearts.
00:22:13Now, we went to a yoga class together, and actually...
00:22:18Well, you know, I hate to do it to her, really, but...
00:22:20Hey, if Cal's right and my theory is totally wrong,
00:22:23then, hey, I haven't done anything, right?
00:22:26Right.
00:22:27Right.
00:22:28But you're not actually going to arrange for these people to have sex, are you?
00:22:32No.
00:22:33Okay, so, Cal and I argued about this, right?
00:22:36And he came up with a good point.
00:22:38He said, well, somebody could always back out or change their mind.
00:22:41How are you going to know?
00:22:42And I said, listen, if the underwear have come out, it's a done deal.
00:22:47So we decided on that.
00:22:49Underwear is proof.
00:22:50You're going to steal these people's underwear?
00:22:53Me? No, no, no. I'm not going to do it.
00:22:56Karina's going to do it.
00:22:57Who's Karina?
00:23:01She's a devout follower of the blog.
00:23:03She's got some very interesting things to say about men.
00:23:05You know, we've gotten close over the last couple of years.
00:23:07She dances. Exotically.
00:23:10She's a stripper.
00:23:11Hey! Don't be so judgy.
00:23:14She's a person, like you or me.
00:23:16Thank you.
00:23:17Oh, thank you.
00:23:20Anyway, I said she could post a victory blog when we win.
00:23:25When you win?
00:23:28Look, I'm a little bit of an expert in human nature.
00:23:31Okay?
00:23:32I can't lose.
00:23:33Okay, but what if you do?
00:23:37Well, if I do, I have to admit defeat.
00:23:41I have to shut down the blog.
00:23:43Which means I lose my followers.
00:23:45Which then I have to postpone the book, because without the blog, there is no book.
00:23:49That's a lot to think about.
00:23:51You must really like him if you're willing to risk so much.
00:23:57I don't know. I'm going to win.
00:23:59Also, think about it this way.
00:24:01If I get the city's top female advocate attorney writing on my blog about the competition and what it proves,
00:24:06that book, that book is worth a mint.
00:24:10Sharon Gottlieb, she works in our office.
00:24:12She's happily married, just had a baby.
00:24:15Karina is definitely not her type.
00:24:17Yeah, no, I know. He threw that in there.
00:24:19But you know what? It's fine.
00:24:21The pig theory applies to men and women alike.
00:24:23We all can be pigs.
00:24:24That's the whole point.
00:24:26I mean, you and Mom were a huge inspiration.
00:24:28Gee, thanks.
00:24:30So how are you going to tempt Sharon?
00:24:32There's a male dancer that works at Karina's club.
00:24:36He's down to play.
00:24:38And, God, he is really hot.
00:24:41Poor Sharon doesn't stand a chance.
00:24:43Okay, and these last two challengers?
00:24:47Oh, right, Garrett Stuckey.
00:24:49Yeah, that's Cal's fitness instructor.
00:24:53You know, he's one of these thick, veiny neck kind of guys.
00:24:57But he's been living with the aerobics instructor for two years.
00:25:01That seems like an easy one.
00:25:03Yeah, that's exactly what I think.
00:25:05But, I don't know, Cal swears he's a man of integrity and honor.
00:25:11No, he doesn't actually talk like that.
00:25:13I swear, he does.
00:25:15I don't know, maybe the competition brought out a whole new Prince Charming thing.
00:25:20That's precious.
00:25:23Gina, I've been meaning to ask you.
00:25:27Okay, so you guys went to law school together.
00:25:30You work with him.
00:25:32You've known him for a long time.
00:25:33He's a guy, and you're...
00:25:35You.
00:25:38You guys never slept together or anything, right?
00:25:40Of course not.
00:25:42Because that would be gross.
00:25:44Yes, that would.
00:25:47Now who's his last challenger?
00:25:50Yeah, that's his minister.
00:25:52Mary Gay.
00:25:53Minister? That hardly seems fair.
00:25:56I thought that at first too, but I don't know, he's a Presbyterian minister, so he never took the oath of celibacy.
00:26:02And I do say that, you know, the theory applies to everyone, so it is fair.
00:26:07Still, that seems like kind of a long shot.
00:26:12Is it, though?
00:26:17Okay, but how can you be sure that he's not going to tell all of his friends before, just so that he can win?
00:26:26Yeah, I guess that's a good point.
00:26:31I guess we'll just have to hope that he's a man of integrity and honor.
00:26:42You need me?
00:26:58Well, it's just a temporary shutdown.
00:27:02Can't be writing on the blog in the middle of the competition.
00:27:07You don't want to ruin the secret, right Ripley?
00:27:13Okay.
00:27:24There we go.
00:27:26That's a good one for the commercial.
00:27:29I love you, baby.
00:27:31I'm sorry.
00:27:32I always love you, baby.
00:27:34Don't worry about a thing.
00:27:38Don't worry about a thing.
00:27:40James, I raise you two dollars.
00:27:45You're so bluffing.
00:27:47Kwan, you're not even in the hand.
00:27:49It's an old Tae Kwon Do trick.
00:27:51You put your body in there for your mind.
00:27:53You took Tae Kwon Do in the third grade.
00:27:56It never leaves you.
00:27:59Hey, man.
00:28:00My people have suffered a lot.
00:28:02Did you know in some places you're only allowed to have one kid?
00:28:05Yeah, but you're hungry again an hour later, all right?
00:28:07Let's go.
00:28:08Oh, yeah.
00:28:10King high straight.
00:28:11Okay.
00:28:12Don't feel too bad.
00:28:14I got the brains.
00:28:15But you, you got the...
00:28:19Looks, too?
00:28:24Didn't even see the flush.
00:28:27No!
00:28:29Thank you.
00:28:30My doctor says take two of these.
00:28:31Call him in the morning.
00:28:34Cal, tell the guys about your new girlfriend.
00:28:37Hikes along, walks in the park.
00:28:40Yeah, guys.
00:28:41She's, uh, yeah, she's pretty great.
00:28:44Does she work out, bro?
00:28:45I mean, you want to keep that ass high and tight.
00:28:47Because later she's going to give up and it's going to sag.
00:28:49She looks like she works out.
00:28:51How about we just hear about what she's like?
00:28:54Well, she's, uh, cool and smart.
00:28:58Quirky, a little bit crazy.
00:29:01Hey, she redhead?
00:29:03Come on.
00:29:04Man, Kimberly's been coming to bed lately in flannel.
00:29:08It's a clear message.
00:29:10Black women do not wear flannel.
00:29:12Still being punished for the last time we went fishing.
00:29:15You should rub her feet.
00:29:17What?
00:29:18I'm telling you, Jenny loves it when I rub her feet.
00:29:22And then I rub her calves.
00:29:24And then I rub her knees.
00:29:26Jesus, we get it.
00:29:27Thank you.
00:29:29So, what kind of crazy is she?
00:29:31Yeah, like, uh, Angelina Jolie crazy or Tilda Swinton crazy?
00:29:36Who the hell is Tilda Swinton?
00:29:39I think she's probably the Tilda crazy.
00:29:43She's crazy, but she's got a lot of sweetness, too.
00:29:45I'm telling you, this, uh, this girl's a good one.
00:29:48Well, be nice to her.
00:29:50I'll make this one.
00:29:51Oh, thank you, doctor.
00:29:53I plan on it.
00:29:54Hey, guys, who the hell is Tilda Swinton?
00:29:58Jesus.
00:29:59Seriously.
00:30:00Go, movie.
00:30:01Go see a movie.
00:30:02Dude.
00:30:03You too busy?
00:30:04No.
00:30:05Wait.
00:30:06Protein.
00:30:07Rips.
00:30:09Ante up, dudes.
00:30:11Ante up, dudes.
00:30:20Just got off the phone with Mom.
00:30:22She's pulling up now.
00:30:25You know, I don't see what the big deal is.
00:30:27I mean, she's been dating since Dad died.
00:30:29Aren't you even a little bit curious?
00:30:31No.
00:30:32Well, what if he's the one?
00:30:34Gina, she already met the one.
00:30:38Hello, my darlings.
00:30:40I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.
00:30:42Alejandro's parking the car.
00:30:44Hi, Mom.
00:30:45Hey, Mom.
00:30:46How've you been?
00:30:47I love your new look.
00:30:50Mamma mia, bellissimo.
00:30:53It's Valentino.
00:30:55Giorgio Armani.
00:30:57Buongiorno, my darlings.
00:31:05Oh, sweet.
00:31:07Guys, this is Alejandro Barraza.
00:31:11This is my daughter, Gina, and my other daughter, Lauren.
00:31:15Like dulcet dew drops dripped from a diamond.
00:31:19I love it.
00:31:20I love it.
00:31:21Oh, well.
00:31:24Oh, oh.
00:31:26Ah, so sorry.
00:31:28That just must be a drippy, drippy dew drop.
00:31:32It's OK.
00:31:33It's OK.
00:31:34It's OK.
00:31:35That's it.
00:31:37Right this way.
00:31:38Thank you.
00:31:39So they tell you in class you have to switch partners every week
00:31:42so you can experience different types of dancers.
00:31:45Alejandro refused to switch.
00:31:48Of course.
00:31:49Alejandro, if you don't mind me asking,
00:31:52what was a gentleman who's, you know, your age,
00:31:56doing at a senior ballroom dance class?
00:32:00I understand your curiosity.
00:32:02And I will tell you right now.
00:32:04I work like a dog in my shop.
00:32:07He's a designer.
00:32:08He makes men's suits.
00:32:10He has his own label.
00:32:11Yeah.
00:32:12Oh.
00:32:13So I was thinking to myself and I said,
00:32:15Alejandro, you're such a great dancer.
00:32:19And your heart is only half full.
00:32:21This is not the right way to live the life.
00:32:24You must live the life with the heart full of love.
00:32:27Always.
00:32:28Right?
00:32:29So I walked into the class,
00:32:31and I was ready with the shaking of my gulo
00:32:36and sharing the love for the dance.
00:32:39And there she was,
00:32:41like a beautiful ball of sunshine burning my poor eyes.
00:32:46Amore mia.
00:32:51Act your age.
00:32:53And what does that mean?
00:32:55Act my age?
00:32:56Am I supposed to be at home knitting sweaters?
00:32:58Does Gina act her age?
00:33:00And what about you, Lauren?
00:33:01You're 30 years old.
00:33:02Aren't you supposed to be married by now and giving me grandbabies?
00:33:05I don't see that happening.
00:33:06I'm very busy.
00:33:07All right.
00:33:08Work is always crazy.
00:33:10Then there's my blog.
00:33:11And now this book thing.
00:33:13Well, we can't all be pig slayers, Lauren.
00:33:15How long has that been going on anyway?
00:33:17And when's that going to stop?
00:33:18I'm sure it's just a phase.
00:33:19At some point, the phase becomes a reality.
00:33:22And the long-ago sanity becomes a phase.
00:33:24I mean, really.
00:33:26Look, none of us Malden women are exactly traditionalists.
00:33:29But you've taken this too far.
00:33:31Mom, I'm sorry, but I just don't understand where you're coming from.
00:33:36I'm just standing up for what I believe in.
00:33:38You're not standing for anything.
00:33:40You're running.
00:33:42You're not letting anybody in.
00:33:44Actually, she has met someone.
00:33:47Really?
00:33:48Yes.
00:33:50His name is Calvin Chesney.
00:33:52He's a lawyer at my firm, and they like each other a lot.
00:33:56Thank God for that.
00:33:59When can I meet him?
00:34:01Well, you can't.
00:34:03Why not?
00:34:04Yeah.
00:34:05Why not?
00:34:06It would be so fun if you brought Calvin around to meet the family.
00:34:09I mean, you and Mom could go on a double date.
00:34:12Yes.
00:34:13Yes.
00:34:14You should always believe in your life with a heart full of love.
00:34:20Yeah.
00:34:21Yeah, yeah.
00:34:22You mentioned that.
00:34:24In that vein, I'm actually going to head out and go see Calvin right now.
00:34:32Nice meeting you.
00:34:34And, Mom, it's always good to see you.
00:34:39Bye.
00:34:52What is this?
00:34:54Is it me?
00:34:55Not at all.
00:34:58It's Gina's.
00:34:59She loaned it to me for the day.
00:35:01Thought you might like a ride.
00:35:03Did she now?
00:35:05Well, come on, get in.
00:35:06Let's drive this puppy.
00:35:08I'll drive it back.
00:35:09No.
00:35:17Ready?
00:35:18Ready.
00:35:19Go.
00:35:51And I got your queen.
00:36:00What?
00:36:01Yeah.
00:36:02Oh, no.
00:36:03Damn.
00:36:10Checkmate.
00:36:12Yeah.
00:36:13You set me up there, didn't you?
00:36:15That was the one.
00:36:17All right.
00:36:18You win.
00:36:32Whoa!
00:36:33Sorry to interrupt.
00:36:34That's just gross.
00:36:36Not again.
00:36:37Gotta not sorry.
00:36:38Whack a chair.
00:36:39Ow!
00:36:40Why don't they find a room?
00:36:41This is how.
00:36:45Little clown.
00:36:48Yeah.
00:36:49Ass clown.
00:36:51He's weird.
00:36:52Oh, he's harmless.
00:36:56Why does he live here, though?
00:36:57I mean, you could afford this place on your own.
00:37:01You think?
00:37:03No, I know I could.
00:37:05It's...
00:37:06That's Jake.
00:37:07You know, he's always been there for me.
00:37:10We've been friends since grade school.
00:37:12And then basketball, I was point guard, he was right wing.
00:37:17All the way through law school, he was always there for me to quiz me before exams, take me out for beers afterwards.
00:37:24Even if I always paid.
00:37:26I'm sure you did.
00:37:27Yeah.
00:37:28It's just...
00:37:30He's my best friend.
00:37:32You know, it seems natural to have him around.
00:37:36At least, until I find somebody else to share this place with.
00:37:46How about you, huh?
00:37:49Lone wolf.
00:37:51You like living alone?
00:37:53I'm not alone.
00:37:55I have Ripley and two million followers.
00:37:58That's right.
00:38:01I forgot about that.
00:38:03Gosh, where do they all sleep?
00:38:05I keep them in the garage.
00:38:06Yeah.
00:38:10Oh, man.
00:38:15Yeah, I really like this.
00:38:19Me and you.
00:38:24Me too.
00:38:27Yeah?
00:38:30Yeah.
00:38:54I should get to work.
00:38:56I know.
00:38:58People need their science.
00:39:02Yes, they do.
00:39:21Hey, so when do we get started?
00:39:25With our competition?
00:39:26Yeah.
00:39:29Now.
00:39:31Right now?
00:39:34Yep.
00:39:37As of now, it can happen at any time to anyone on your list.
00:39:43You know, I still don't think it's fair.
00:39:46I mean, you know who all my friends are, and I have no idea who you're challenging.
00:39:50Oh, you'll know.
00:39:56See you soon.
00:39:58How will I know?
00:40:19Nice car.
00:40:21You liked that, did you?
00:40:23One of the perks of becoming partner.
00:40:25Yeah, about that.
00:40:27I've been thinking, I can't accept a partnership position if it has anything to do with Lauren.
00:40:32Really?
00:40:34Yeah, I want to be partner, and I sure did like driving that car, but I don't want you suggesting me to the board for any other reason than I'm a great lawyer.
00:40:45Let's just see how things play out.
00:40:48From what I can see, everything's going according to plan.
00:40:51Okay, Gina, but so we're clear, I'm not doing this anymore to make partner.
00:40:58I'm doing this because I like Lauren.
00:41:01Bye, Calvin.
00:41:18How long have you and Treasure been together?
00:41:20I don't know, man, about two years, I guess.
00:41:22You think you'll get married?
00:41:24I don't know, man. You know, work's been really good. People have been throwing an ass ton of money at me just to get in shape, so we could afford it if we needed to.
00:41:32No, I mean, you love her, right? You want to marry her.
00:41:36I don't know, man. I mean, I guess I'm going to have to if I want to keep her. That's how it works, right?
00:41:42Why are you busting my balls, man? Treasure put you up to this?
00:41:45No, no, no. I was just curious. That's all you guys seem happy.
00:41:50Don't be a douche.
00:42:02And so it begins.
00:42:05Hi.
00:42:06Hello.
00:42:07Are you Garrett?
00:42:09I am. What can I do for you?
00:42:11Well, I'm looking for a trainer, and the lady at the front desk, she referred me to you.
00:42:16Okay. So what kind of hours are you looking for?
00:42:19Oh, nothing here. I actually just bought this really expensive home equipment, and I have no idea how to use it. Sounds dumb, huh?
00:42:28Actually, no, not at all. You know, most people don't get the full benefit of their workout because they don't know how to use the equipment correctly.
00:42:34Sometimes they hurt themselves or they hurt other people.
00:42:37Really?
00:42:38Well, that's a fact. You know, why don't I give you a free lesson? Come over here and show me how we match.
00:42:53All right. Why don't you go ahead and tight back, stick your chest up. All right, good. Grab the bar.
00:42:59There you go. Now go ahead and lift up.
00:43:02There you go. Down and back up. Oh, that's great. Chest out.
00:43:07There you go. All tight back. Bring it up. Good. All right. Chest out a little more. Oh, that's great. Up. Oh, perfect. I can work with that.
00:43:19That is great.
00:43:26She wants you to go to her place to show her how to use gym equipment, and you're buying.
00:43:33Seriously, Cal. Come on, man. You know I'm a professional. This is what I do for a living, all right?
00:43:38I help clients at their houses all the time. That's what I do. You need to get your damn mind out of the gutter.
00:43:44Douche.
00:43:48Wow.
00:44:03Oh, hey, man.
00:44:06What's up, man?
00:44:07Thanks.
00:44:13Have a good day.
00:44:33Carrot.
00:44:44They're going to be sending a gaggle of attorneys. It's an important case. They don't want to screw it up, so expect a big presence.
00:44:50I really think gaggle is the best collective term to use for a group of attorneys, but I think it'd be something more sinister, like murder.
00:44:57No. The Crows have that one.
00:44:59Do they?
00:45:00Crows.
00:45:01What about onslaught?
00:45:03Onslaught.
00:45:04Kids. Focus.
00:45:06Okay. You are going to be staying at the Seattle Westin. Get in Thursday night. Depot's in the morning.
00:45:11Okay, but when do we get back?
00:45:13Paul's got plenty of milk, but Maddie's got a soccer game this weekend, and she's going to lose her mind if I'm not there.
00:45:18It's not a problem. You'll be back Friday night.
00:45:21And I want you to be prepared, but don't overwork yourselves. Take some personal time Thursday night, you know?
00:45:27Grab a drink.
00:45:29I doubt we'll have time for that kind of thing, but dinner might be nice.
00:45:35Dinner. Drinks. On Thursday. Okay.
00:46:57You want to order some coffee here?
00:46:59Kegels, please! I can hardly hold my own pee in!
00:47:03My vagina is dead.
00:47:05I have to go to the bathroom.
00:47:07Okay.
00:47:08Bye.
00:47:09Bye.
00:47:10Bye.
00:47:11Bye.
00:47:12Bye.
00:47:13Bye.
00:47:14Bye.
00:47:15Bye.
00:47:16Bye.
00:47:17Bye.
00:47:18Bye.
00:47:19Bye.
00:47:20Bye.
00:47:21Bye.
00:47:22Bye.
00:47:23Bye.
00:47:24My vagina is dead.
00:47:26I have a dead vagina.
00:47:28That's a lot of talk about your vagina here.
00:47:31Ease up, Calvin. Your mother's vagina went through the exact same thing.
00:47:35Not something I care to discuss either.
00:47:38These are going to burst.
00:47:43Sorry.
00:47:44Yeah, that one got away from me.
00:47:46I better put them back.
00:47:55Bye.
00:48:01Calvin, you'll never guess who I've bumped into.
00:48:04This is Brandon.
00:48:06Cox. Dr. Cox.
00:48:08Dr. Cox noticed my breast bump and we got to talking and it turns out he's a specialist.
00:48:15He helps women recover who've had multiple bumps.
00:48:19Oh, have a seat.
00:48:25So, Dr. Cox, what are you, like a plastic surgeon?
00:48:31Nothing quite so drastic. I work with the body and the mind.
00:48:35I help women to rediscover their inner selves so they can get in tune with their bodies and reawaken their sexual being.
00:48:43How does it work? Can you do me? Can you fix me?
00:48:45Well, it's a series of meditations to relax the mind and intimate massage techniques to relax the body.
00:48:51It gets the blood flowing again in all the right places.
00:48:54Brings everything back to life.
00:48:58So, doctor, you seem pretty young. How old are you?
00:49:03That's true. I'm young. I graduated college when I was 16 and completed my medical training overseas.
00:49:10Europe is where it's at. Sex is celebrated there at every age.
00:49:14We Americans have it all wrong. I'm trying to change that.
00:49:18A savior of sorts.
00:49:20Yeah.
00:49:24I'm sorry. I'm staring. It's just you have the most beautiful eyes.
00:49:28I do?
00:49:30It's just...
00:49:36Do you mind?
00:49:41Yes. There she is.
00:49:45You definitely have a vibrant sexual being in there. I can help you find her.
00:49:50Okay, this is great stuff. But, Sharon, it's getting late. We've got that early meeting.
00:49:57We should probably get your card and head up. We've got an early day tomorrow.
00:50:01Calvin, we're work colleagues.
00:50:04Why don't we order some more drinks and talk about this some more? I think it's fascinating.
00:50:10Yeah. Fascinating.
00:50:14The mistake that people make with their lovers is forcefulness. You have to approach these areas tenderly.
00:50:19You have to gently coax and coax some more so that the body reaches for it and desires the touch.
00:50:29God, that makes so much sense.
00:50:34Uh, wow. Sharon, look at the time. We should probably go.
00:50:40Yeah, we should.
00:50:42Can I walk you?
00:50:44No, no. There's no need. I'll walk her. Sharon, is this your key card?
00:50:48Actually, a walk would be nice. Thank you, Dr. Cox.
00:50:52But we have to go.
00:50:54Actually, a walk would be nice. Thank you, Dr. Cox.
00:50:58But we have that meeting in the morning. Surely there's no time for a walk.
00:51:04Calvin, I'm a grown woman. I know when I need a walk.
00:51:12Shall we?
00:51:13Of course.
00:51:14Got my jacket.
00:51:15Okay.
00:51:22Good night.
00:51:29Dr. Aronson and Malden, may I help you?
00:51:42Let me transfer you.
00:51:45Wow, those are some ugly panties.
00:51:49Yeah, they, uh, for a case. We're working on the case of the terrible granny panties, so.
00:51:57Must be a big case.
00:52:03It is. It is.
00:52:07Hold all my calls.
00:52:08Okay.
00:52:15Sharon Gottlieb? You might as well have told me that size really doesn't matter
00:52:20and that the female orgasm is made of rainbows.
00:52:24Well, I'm sorry that she surprised you, but she didn't surprise me.
00:52:29It's probably been a long time since a man has looked at her like that.
00:52:32You know, we gave her a golden opportunity and she took it.
00:52:35She's clearly a sad woman with a blown out vagina that needed tending.
00:52:39And I really wish I didn't know that about her.
00:52:44That's not everyone. You know, it's not even the majority.
00:52:49But it is. That's what I've been trying to tell you.
00:52:52You're wrong about people. It's not that simple.
00:52:55Oh, well. I wish it weren't.
00:52:59You know the tragic thing.
00:53:01That a 220 pound man wears smiley face boxers?
00:53:05Okay, okay. What's tragic?
00:53:09You know, the tragic thing is that if you win,
00:53:13your blog lives on and you get to write your book,
00:53:17but you and I get six months and then it's over.
00:53:26I mean, six months is...
00:53:29That's nothing.
00:53:32Hey, kids. How we doing?
00:53:35Simon, my man.
00:53:38We are doing fantastic.
00:53:41As a matter of fact, we've got some great news.
00:53:45That loan for the penis extension finally came through.
00:53:48This guy.
00:53:50No, man.
00:53:52Lauren and I are getting married.
00:53:56Lauren and I are getting married.
00:54:01Wow. I mean, wow. That was quick.
00:54:06Yeah. I'm not pregnant.
00:54:08Well then, drinks are on the house.
00:54:11Hey, thank you, brother.
00:54:13And listen, I'd love to have the bachelor party right here at Tucci's.
00:54:17Is the back room available for Saturday night?
00:54:19It's all yours.
00:54:20Awesome. Awesome.
00:54:21And we'll head back to my place after for some shenanigans?
00:54:23Yeah. Love it.
00:54:27Bachelor party, huh? Shenanigans.
00:54:30Hey, come on. What better opportunity for somebody to cheat than a bachelor party?
00:54:34It's practically in the handbook.
00:54:36I knew there was a handbook.
00:54:38Listen, two of our competitors are going to be there
00:54:41and you only need one to cheat for this competition to be over,
00:54:44so we're going to finish this this weekend.
00:54:47Finish it.
00:54:49Well, that's what you want, right?
00:54:52Your name in lights. Glory of the big win.
00:54:56Yeah. All right.
00:54:59Saturday, bachelor party. We'll finish it.
00:55:03Oh, and listen, I would love some strippers for Saturday.
00:55:09You think Karina knows any of those?
00:55:12Gee, probably.
00:55:15I thought so. Resourceful lady, that one.
00:55:23So, are you just doing this for the gifts? Because we could use a new card.
00:55:26Nah, no gifts.
00:55:28Then why?
00:55:30Women are happy to stay engaged for, like, ever. It's a get out of jail free card, man.
00:55:35Does Danielle know this?
00:55:37She doesn't not know it.
00:55:40Ah, Jacob, you are an island.
00:55:43So check this out. It's a prototype for my new app, Mars Calling Venus.
00:55:48A guy can ask Venus anything he wants to know,
00:55:50and she'll tell him the truth about what women are really thinking.
00:55:53So, say, for example, sexual partners.
00:55:59The average woman has had eight lovers.
00:56:02But when polled, 76% said they'd lie.
00:56:05And answer four or less.
00:56:07Naughty, naughty Venus. Naughty, naughty Venus.
00:56:11Is that it?
00:56:14Well, she gets naked.
00:56:16And I load her with car and sports trivia.
00:56:18Ed got me a meeting with some suits on Monday.
00:56:21Oh, I'm gonna be rich.
00:56:23Did you make her look like Lauren?
00:56:26What?
00:56:27Yeah, you set a mole in her left eye.
00:56:30Dude, you've lost your mind.
00:56:33This woman has straight up crawled inside your brain and made you go wonky.
00:56:38So, party tonight at Tucci's?
00:56:43I'll wear a suit.
00:56:45You don't own a suit.
00:56:47You own a suit.
00:56:51I own a suit.
00:56:58I've had a lot of free time.
00:57:04There's the three rings of marriage, brother.
00:57:07There's the engagement ring.
00:57:09The wedding ring.
00:57:11And then there's the suffering.
00:57:15Boo.
00:57:17Boo that man.
00:57:20Oh man, I can't believe you're getting married.
00:57:23You know how long Jenny's been harassing me to pull the trigger?
00:57:26She wants four kids.
00:57:28Dang, that's a lot of kids.
00:57:30That is a lot of kids.
00:57:31In Korea, we have large families of many generations.
00:57:34And we all live together under one roof.
00:57:37You grew up in Napa Valley.
00:57:39But my people, we...
00:57:40Your parents own a winery.
00:57:42In Napa.
00:57:45That's nice.
00:57:48So, what flipped the switch?
00:57:50What can I say, fellas?
00:57:52I love her.
00:57:53I hope so.
00:58:00What about you, Ed? You love Kimberly?
00:58:02Let me see. I married the girl when we were 18 years old.
00:58:05So, yeah, I think I love her.
00:58:07No, that's time, man.
00:58:09I'm talking about love.
00:58:10Real love.
00:58:12The kind you'd walk through fire for.
00:58:14You know what I'm saying?
00:58:15Well, yeah.
00:58:17She's my girl.
00:58:19Yeah, she is, right?
00:58:21And she's a good one.
00:58:23Things have been going great since I started rubbing her feet.
00:58:27Sometimes she'll even put on her old cheerleading outfit and wear it for me.
00:58:31There you go.
00:58:32Jenny thinks outfits are silly.
00:58:34Yeah, well, they're not.
00:58:35My girl looks pretty amazing in that outfit.
00:58:38Well, that sounds like love to me, man.
00:58:40Cheerleader love.
00:58:45She still love you?
00:58:47Damn right she loves me.
00:58:48What kind of question is that to ask a man?
00:58:50It's just a question.
00:58:51Yeah, come on. Why so defensive?
00:58:54You boys better get your heads in check.
00:58:56That woman loves me.
00:58:58She calls me her Eddie Pie.
00:59:01What?
00:59:02Whoa, hold on. Say that again?
00:59:04Is that like an edible pie?
00:59:06Like a tasty pastry?
00:59:08Okay, Eddie Pie.
00:59:10I mean, it sounds like you're it for her, man.
00:59:13You are her white knight.
00:59:16Hmm.
00:59:18Black knight.
00:59:19I'm her black knight.
00:59:21Yes, you are.
00:59:22Black knight.
00:59:23Yeah, yeah.
00:59:24Oh, no.
00:59:25Happy birthday, Mr. President.
00:59:29Happy birthday to you.
00:59:35There you go.
00:59:43Hey, all I'm saying is you're a lucky man.
00:59:45That sense of truly finding the one, it's pretty rare.
00:59:49Yeah.
00:59:51Call it.
00:59:52Do that.
00:59:54Maybe four isn't so many.
00:59:56Nah, that's a buttload of kids.
00:59:58Shit.
00:59:59That's a buttload of kids.
01:00:00That's a buttload of kids, man.
01:00:08I love you too, baby.
01:00:12Maybe when I get home you can wear that little outfit for me?
01:00:20All right.
01:00:23All right.
01:00:25Bye-bye, baby.
01:00:29It's noisy in there, huh?
01:00:32You with all those crazy guys?
01:00:36Uh, yeah.
01:00:40It's hot in there too.
01:00:43I'm Karina.
01:00:48Do you have a light?
01:00:52I don't smoke.
01:00:56Well, you look smoking to me.
01:01:02Okay, okay.
01:01:05What you doing?
01:01:06What do you mean what am I doing?
01:01:07I'm talking to you.
01:01:09You're doing more than just that.
01:01:13Maybe I am.
01:01:15Do you have a name?
01:01:17I got a name.
01:01:19I just don't know I want you to have it.
01:01:22Is that so?
01:01:29My name is Eddie High.
01:01:32I am a black knight.
01:01:35Good night, fair lady.
01:01:42Good for him.
01:02:06Uh.
01:02:08That's it.
01:02:10What?
01:02:19That's it.
01:02:21What?
01:02:24What?
01:02:40That's better.
01:02:43Now, tell me where you want it.
01:02:46I know where I want it.
01:02:48It's never my turn.
01:02:50You want to take a shot?
01:02:52I'm trying to quit.
01:02:54Well, you don't mind if I take one, do you?
01:02:58Up.
01:02:59Wait.
01:03:00Whoa, whoa, hey man.
01:03:02Oh, hey.
01:03:03No, no, no.
01:03:04It's.
01:03:05Yeah.
01:03:06Oh my God.
01:03:07Yeah.
01:03:08Hey.
01:03:09Okay.
01:03:10Whoo.
01:03:11All right.
01:03:12Now, where do we want it?
01:03:14I don't.
01:03:15Oh, you naughty boy.
01:03:17In the crotch, huh?
01:03:19That just so happens to be my favorite place to take it.
01:03:23How do you know?
01:03:24Oh, no.
01:03:26All right, now you have to be very careful.
01:03:28Because if you move, it'll spill.
01:03:30And let me make one thing clear.
01:03:33I am taking that shot every last drop.
01:03:38Oh.
01:03:40Are we ready, boys?
01:03:41Yeah.
01:03:42No, no.
01:03:43Here we go.
01:03:44Oh.
01:03:45Oh, you naughty boy.
01:03:47Guess I'm just going to have to clean you all up.
01:03:50With my tongue.
01:04:00Here's some ice.
01:04:08I'm really sorry.
01:04:10This is a reflex.
01:04:12Would you just make yourself useful and hand me my purse?
01:04:15I'm leaving.
01:04:18Thanks.
01:04:25I didn't want a shot.
01:04:41Ooh, boy.
01:04:42You really screwed that one up, buddy.
01:04:44I can understand you not wanting to show everyone Mr. Floppy,
01:04:47but did you really have to kneel that poor girl in the face?
01:04:50It was a reflex, man.
01:04:52Hey, uh, where's Simon?
01:04:57And Mandy?
01:04:59Where are they?
01:05:01They went for a walk.
01:05:04Wait, you let them leave?
01:05:15Hello?
01:05:17Hello, Lauren?
01:05:18It's Heather Decker.
01:05:19I have the update on your book offer.
01:05:21They like the blog and your story idea around that,
01:05:24but they caught wind of the competition.
01:05:26They think that's a better angle.
01:05:28Caught wind of it?
01:05:29How?
01:05:30Your sister made a call to the publisher.
01:05:32Apparently, she's not a fan of your blog.
01:05:35She's pushing this new angle, and they like it.
01:05:37A lot.
01:05:38I don't know why.
01:05:40She's not a fan of your blog.
01:05:42She's pushing this new angle, and they like it.
01:05:44A lot.
01:05:45Well, you know, Gina's not a fan of the blog.
01:05:48Why doesn't she just stay out of my life?
01:05:50Did you hear me, Lauren?
01:05:52They are very interested.
01:05:54They're offering $2 million for it.
01:05:59$2 million?
01:06:00Yes.
01:06:01But you have to win.
01:06:03Otherwise, no deal.
01:06:05Are you still there?
01:06:08They want to talk to you on Monday.
01:06:10They want to get started right away.
01:06:12Yeah, I'm still here.
01:06:14Listen, that's an incredible offer.
01:06:17That's amazing.
01:06:19It's just, it takes the whole thing into a completely different direction,
01:06:22and I'm not sure that that's the book that I want to write.
01:06:28Let me think about it for a couple of days, okay?
01:06:32Thanks, Heather.
01:06:49Hey.
01:06:50How could you do it, man?
01:06:52Do what?
01:06:53You know what.
01:06:55I don't know what you're talking about.
01:06:57Did you sleep with her?
01:06:58Did you have sex with Mandy?
01:07:01Man, I don't know what you're talking about, all right?
01:07:03I thought you were better than that.
01:07:06Cal!
01:07:07Get out of there, Cal! Stop it!
01:07:09Get off of me!
01:07:11You're still wearing your underwear.
01:07:12Yes, of course.
01:07:14What the hell, Cal?
01:07:16Did you sleep with her or not?
01:07:18Yeah, I slept with her.
01:07:22Look, we went down in the river and we talked.
01:07:28After a little while, she made a move, but I didn't want to.
01:07:33I mean, I wanted to, but...
01:07:35I couldn't do it.
01:07:37I have never cheated on Jenny.
01:07:39So we just slept.
01:07:41What are you laughing at?
01:07:43You, man! You're the man!
01:07:46Oh, God, all right, all right!
01:07:49Oh, I love you!
01:07:51I knew it. I knew you were one of the good guys, man.
01:07:53I knew it!
01:07:55Okay, that's two. That's two. Come on, baby, yeah!
01:07:58All right, all right.
01:08:04All right, I believe you.
01:08:06No.
01:08:07Of course, we'll never really know what happened out there,
01:08:09but if Mandy didn't get his underwear, then I guess we'll say nothing happened.
01:08:15Although, she's quite taken with Simon.
01:08:19She even wants me to let her know Whitney's single.
01:08:21Yeah, I don't think she's his type.
01:08:25Yeah? She said he's the first man to ever turn her down.
01:08:30Ever.
01:08:35Hey, you know where I want to take you when all this is over?
01:08:39It's not over yet.
01:08:41I'll take you to Paris.
01:08:43Then we can get some striped shirts and live the life of mimes.
01:08:47Really horny mimes.
01:08:52I know it's going to be tough for you to shut down that blog, but maybe you don't have to.
01:08:59You could just turn it into something more positive.
01:09:08Well, there's one more challenger left.
01:09:12Could go down either way.
01:09:14Ah, yes. The good Minister Dooley.
01:09:18Well, I'm sorry, babe, but he's a ringer for the home team.
01:09:21My man is legit. There is no way anybody's going to convince him to cheat on his wife.
01:09:29People can surprise you.
01:09:32Yes, they can.
01:09:34If there's one thing this competition has taught me, it's that.
01:09:40Well, we've decided to have the last challenge at Karina's house.
01:09:43I'll text you the address.
01:09:44Just tell the Minister that he should come by around seven and that you have a friend who needs some guidance.
01:09:53We're running a conversion con.
01:09:55A conversion con?
01:09:58Listen to you. It's a good thing this is almost over. You're turning into a regular gangster.
01:10:04Well, I have a meeting with the publishers on Monday. They want to, you know, discuss the book proposal and details.
01:10:12Well, either way, you're going to have an interesting story to tell.
01:10:18Hey, do you want to have dinner with me tomorrow night while all this is going down?
01:10:23You know, we could celebrate. Either way, like a couple good sports.
01:10:28Wait for the results together?
01:10:32Yeah.
01:10:34I'd like that.
01:10:37OK.
01:10:41OK.
01:10:47I talked to Minister Dooley this afternoon.
01:11:11OK.
01:11:13OK.
01:11:15OK.
01:11:17OK.
01:11:19OK.
01:11:21OK.
01:11:23OK.
01:11:25OK.
01:11:27OK.
01:11:29OK.
01:11:31OK.
01:11:33OK.
01:11:35OK.
01:11:37OK.
01:11:38OK.
01:11:40OK.
01:11:42OK.
01:11:44OK.
01:11:46OK.
01:11:48OK.
01:11:50OK.
01:11:52OK.
01:11:54OK.
01:11:56OK.
01:11:58OK.
01:12:00OK.
01:12:02OK.
01:12:04OK.
01:12:06OK.
01:12:08OK.
01:12:10OK.
01:12:12OK.
01:12:14OK.
01:12:16OK.
01:12:18OK.
01:12:20OK.
01:12:22OK.
01:12:24OK.
01:12:26OK.
01:12:28OK.
01:12:30OK.
01:12:32OK.
01:12:34OK.
01:12:36OK.
01:12:38OK.
01:12:40OK.
01:12:42OK.
01:12:44OK.
01:12:46OK.
01:12:48OK.
01:12:50OK.
01:12:52OK.
01:12:54OK.
01:12:56OK.
01:12:58OK.
01:13:00OK.
01:13:02OK.
01:13:04OK.
01:13:06OK.
01:13:08OK.
01:13:10OK.
01:13:12OK.
01:13:14OK.
01:13:16OK.
01:13:18OK.
01:13:20OK.
01:13:22OK.
01:13:24OK.
01:13:26OK.
01:13:28OK.
01:13:30OK.
01:13:32OK.
01:13:34OK.
01:13:36OK.
01:13:38Can you just tell Calvin that I started feeling really bad and I had to leave and that I'll call him later?
01:13:44Yeah.
01:13:45Great. Thanks.
01:14:09Hey.
01:14:22Hey, Simon, man, did you see where Lauren went?
01:14:24She said she wasn't feeling well and that she'd call you.
01:14:27What, she just took off? Did she look sick?
01:14:30She looked kind of pale, I guess.
01:14:39Hmm.
01:14:47Oh, wow, Jacob, hey, come in.
01:14:49Hey, tech geek to the rescue.
01:14:53I don't know, you don't look like a geek to me, Jacob.
01:14:55You OK?
01:14:57The computer's just in the bedroom upstairs.
01:15:00Oh. OK.
01:15:02Hey.
01:15:06Where's Cal?
01:15:08Oh.
01:15:10Cal didn't tell you?
01:15:12Yeah.
01:15:13We broke up last night.
01:15:15Everything was just moving too fast.
01:15:19It's OK, though. We're still friends.
01:15:23Really?
01:15:30So...
01:15:33This is the one that's giving me trouble.
01:15:36So, is it running slowly or not at all?
01:15:40Slowly, but then it freezes and I have to shut the whole thing off and start all over again. It's infuriating.
01:15:47That sounds like you just need to clean up your hard drive, maybe run a defrag.
01:15:51I mean, clean some stuff up here, see if that fixes the problem.
01:15:55Thanks.
01:15:56I'm lucky to have a bonafide computer genius to help me.
01:16:02Yeah, that's me.
01:16:15Wow.
01:16:18What?
01:16:19Oh, your shoulder.
01:16:21Yeah.
01:16:22Wow.
01:16:24What?
01:16:25Oh, your shoulders are really tight. When's the last time you had a massage?
01:16:29Oh, God. I don't know. Never.
01:16:33Danielle doesn't give you shoulder rubs?
01:16:35No.
01:16:39Here, unbutton this. Let me get in there.
01:16:46Oh, God. That feels good.
01:16:52Oh.
01:16:53Thanks.
01:16:55Ahem.
01:17:19Just need to let the defrag run a little while. Takes a bit.
01:17:24Thanks.
01:17:29So, you and Calvin are definitely over?
01:17:37I just want this whole thing to be over. I'm so confused. I just, I can't even think straight.
01:17:49Broke up?
01:17:55Hey, hey, it's okay. Everything's okay. I'm here.
01:18:03Yeah. Yeah, you are, aren't you?
01:18:09Yeah. I'm here.
01:18:12You've, uh, you've been a great friend, Jacob.
01:18:16Yeah? I think I understand you pretty well.
01:18:21Yeah, I always really liked you.
01:18:27Oh, um, sorry, sorry. Just, my head really hurts. I need an aspirin.
01:18:33You're the perfect woman, Lauren.
01:18:35What?
01:18:36You're the perfect woman. I created an app that I sold for a ton of money this week, and it's all about you. The perfect woman.
01:18:43I'm going to be rich, and now that Calvin is out of the way, I can take care of you like you deserve.
01:18:48Uh, I'm not the perfect woman. At all. You have no idea how messed up I am, actually.
01:18:56Oh, I am so messed up. So maybe we're perfect for each other.
01:19:00Uh, wait, hold on. I think my phone is, yeah.
01:19:03What?
01:19:04Yeah, I did hear it.
01:19:06Oh. Mom?
01:19:08Yeah, I'm, I'm...
01:19:09Lauren?
01:19:10Lauren, you don't have to tease me anymore. I am already crazy about you.
01:19:30I knew, I always knew that we'd be together. I just, I just knew it.
01:19:33What the hell is going on in here?
01:19:34Oh my God, Calvin. Nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing. Oh my God, I'm, I'm so sorry. It was the competition, and I was trying to win.
01:19:44Uh, isn't life really a competition?
01:19:50Dude, you guys broke up!
01:19:52You're a pig, man. What's wrong with you? You're supposed to be my best friend.
01:19:55Oh, oh, I'm the pig, huh? Is that how we're going to play it? What about you?
01:20:00What about me?
01:20:01Oh, perfect, freaking undefeated Calvin Chesney never does anything wrong, does he? Or does he? Huh, maybe we should ask Gina what she thinks.
01:20:11Jake, don't.
01:20:12Gina? What is he talking about?
01:20:15Don't.
01:20:16Calvin, what's up with your sister back in law school?
01:20:22Lauren, Lauren, wait a minute. I didn't...
01:20:26Why'd you do that, man?
01:20:28What's wrong with you?
01:20:29You should have told her.
01:20:30I didn't sleep with Gina.
01:20:33Really?
01:20:34Really.
01:20:37No, no, that summer you guys were all flirty and stuff.
01:20:40You guys acted like you did.
01:20:42Oh man, we went on a few dates, but we're friends for Christ's sake.
01:20:48Yeah, yeah, I see what I did there. Sorry, my bad.
01:20:51Lauren!
01:20:52Oh, that hurts.
01:20:54Lauren! Lauren!
01:21:04Are you okay? What happened?
01:21:05Why didn't you tell me the truth?
01:21:06What? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, he...
01:21:09Look, he told me the truth.
01:21:11He told you the truth?
01:21:13Yes, he did.
01:21:14Okay, what happened?
01:21:15Why didn't you tell me the truth?
01:21:16What?
01:21:17Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:21:19Look, he told me as soon as he met you
01:21:22that he didn't want to make partner
01:21:23just for getting you to shut the blog down.
01:21:25What?
01:21:25What?
01:21:26Oh, that's nothing.
01:21:28What's your thing?
01:21:29Why did you lie to me about sleeping with Calvin?
01:21:31I didn't sleep with Calvin.
01:21:33Right, you didn't.
01:21:34No, I didn't.
01:21:36We went on a couple of dates in law school.
01:21:38Oh, then why didn't you say anything?
01:21:40Because I didn't think you needed to know.
01:21:41It was a long time ago.
01:21:42It was nothing.
01:21:44Tina, you're such a slut.
01:21:45Excuse me?
01:21:46I enjoy my life the way it is
01:21:48and I don't need to answer to you
01:21:49and I didn't sleep with Calvin.
01:21:51Why would you send me someone you know is so wonderful
01:21:54and you know I would fall in love with them?
01:21:56What, are you trying to hurt me?
01:21:58I'm sorry.
01:22:00I knew how wonderful he was.
01:22:02I knew you'd fall in love with him.
01:22:04I was just trying to help.
01:22:06Well, I guess your instincts are about as great as mine.
01:22:08You know, I came on to Jacob today.
01:22:12What, why?
01:22:13It was the last challenge
01:22:15and, God, I wanted to win, you know?
01:22:19And I knew he had to crush on me.
01:22:22I knew he would go for it.
01:22:25Calvin came in at the, oh, worst moment.
01:22:32He's not gonna forgive me.
01:22:34No, come here, my love.
01:22:35I messed this up so bad.
01:22:37Come here.
01:22:43Come here.
01:22:43Come here.
01:23:14Oh.
01:23:38Oh, I'm sorry I called you a slut.
01:23:40That was stupid.
01:23:41It's okay.
01:23:42Takes one to know one.
01:23:56Guess who got hitched?
01:24:00We wanted to call.
01:24:01But my heart turned, no way.
01:24:03But Alejandro insisted.
01:24:05It was filled with a crescendo of cries
01:24:08for my beloved Clemmie.
01:24:11So we got married.
01:24:13Married.
01:24:17Married, mom, really?
01:24:21Oh no, what happened?
01:24:24Well, you know, Gina and Calvin.
01:24:28Gina, how could you?
01:24:32Oh, it was a long time ago.
01:24:34They just didn't tell me.
01:24:36Really, Gina?
01:24:37Do you have to sleep with every man in Portland?
01:24:40I did not sleep with him.
01:24:42The thing is, you know, I just, I really love him.
01:24:47You know, my heart is, was so full.
01:24:54You know, it takes time to adjust to the fullness.
01:24:57He's probably really, really hurt.
01:24:59Yeah, but the thing is, did you intend to hurt him?
01:25:04No, no.
01:25:05Would you do it again?
01:25:06No, never.
01:25:07So that's fine.
01:25:09He will forgive you.
01:25:11That's the beautiful, fantastic thing about love.
01:25:14You understand?
01:25:15Yeah, well, the thing is,
01:25:18he's been lying to me the whole time, so.
01:25:22How can I trust him?
01:25:25I have an idea.
01:25:28Lauren, you are gonna have to trust me.
01:25:34Trust you?
01:25:36Yeah.
01:25:37You're just gonna have to do it.
01:25:40And this, all of this needs to be cleaned up.
01:25:42Alejandro, will you move the cars outside
01:25:44so they can't be seen?
01:25:45And Mom, help me close these curtains.
01:25:48And Lauren, you just stay here and stay quiet.
01:25:53Gee, what are you up to?
01:25:54I'm the one who started all this.
01:25:56Just give me a chance to make it right, please.
01:26:04Okay, do your worst.
01:26:06Okay.
01:26:11♪ No more fierce blue eyes ♪
01:26:15♪ No more last goodbyes ♪
01:26:19♪ No more patronizing you ♪
01:26:26♪ No more alibis ♪
01:26:30♪ No more do or die ♪
01:26:33♪ Mistakes are in the sky ♪
01:26:40Why are you telling me you didn't drive over here
01:26:42like that?
01:26:43Mm, I took an Uber.
01:26:45Sorry.
01:26:47Oh, is that what this is, a work call?
01:26:51Yeah, I thought we could go over
01:26:54the husband's testimony again.
01:26:56You know, see if there's anything we missed.
01:26:58Oh, I don't feel like working tonight, Gina.
01:27:02Yeah, I can see that.
01:27:03I'm glad you called, though.
01:27:05I need a place to stay.
01:27:07Of course, I'm always here for you.
01:27:11You wanna tell me what happened?
01:27:13You're really pretty.
01:27:15You're drunk.
01:27:17Why don't you tell me what happened?
01:27:21The competition.
01:27:24The last competition.
01:27:27Me and your sister thought it would be a kick
01:27:32to challenge my best friend using herself as bait.
01:27:35Ouch.
01:27:37That must've stung.
01:27:38Yeah.
01:27:40Did he go for it?
01:27:41Yeah, he went for it.
01:27:46I don't know, maybe.
01:27:49Maybe Lauren's right about people.
01:27:51Did she get his underwear?
01:27:53What?
01:27:55Isn't that a rule?
01:27:58Yeah.
01:28:00But no, she didn't get it.
01:28:03I interrupted them.
01:28:05Well, then I guess technically
01:28:08the challenge isn't over yet.
01:28:11No, no, it's over.
01:28:13Oh.
01:28:14Well, then cheers to it being over.
01:28:24You think all men are pigs.
01:28:27I think all men can be, and so can all women.
01:28:32It's a choice we make every day.
01:28:37What about me?
01:28:39Am I a pig?
01:28:41I think you can be if you choose.
01:28:46If I choose?
01:28:49Exactly.
01:28:51Aw, you're hurt.
01:28:54I know.
01:28:59Hey, you got a glass for this?
01:29:01I hate drinking from the bottle.
01:29:07Boo.
01:29:08Oh, hi.
01:29:09It's really hot in here.
01:29:10I don't think you need this.
01:29:11Okay.
01:29:13You know, Cal, there's a reason
01:29:15you were so willing to come over here tonight.
01:29:17There is?
01:29:18Yeah, I think you know it
01:29:19if you think about it, you know?
01:29:22If you're honest with yourself.
01:29:28You and me are the same person, Cal.
01:29:29I mean, people like Lauren,
01:29:31they have strict rules that control their lives, you know?
01:29:36They need those rules to feel safe.
01:29:40For people like us?
01:29:42We don't even have rules.
01:29:44We just listen to our wants and desires and follow them.
01:29:50No right or wrong, just instinct.
01:29:57Come on.
01:29:59Hey, what was that?
01:30:00Did you hear something?
01:30:01There's a TV on upstairs.
01:30:04Remember that summer we spent together?
01:30:06Yeah.
01:30:07Remember how good that felt?
01:30:08Yeah.
01:30:09No strings, just instinct.
01:30:15No one has to know.
01:30:20Stop.
01:30:23Stop right there.
01:30:25This isn't happening.
01:30:29What's not happening?
01:30:31This, me and you.
01:30:34Because even if nobody knows that you did a bad thing,
01:30:36it's still a bad thing.
01:30:38And this, this, Gina, is a very, very bad thing.
01:30:42You know, you're wrong about me
01:30:44because I believe in love.
01:30:46I believe in romance.
01:30:47I believe in the soulful chemistry
01:30:49between two people that just can't be explained.
01:30:52I believe in bourbon, you know?
01:30:55I believe in black coffee, strong black coffee.
01:30:58I believe in getting eight hours sleep a night
01:31:00and doing at least one thing to better yourself every day.
01:31:02I believe that the practice of law
01:31:04is fundamentally imperfect,
01:31:06but we do the best we can and sometimes we do good.
01:31:08I believe that hookup websites
01:31:10prey on people's fears of inadequacy.
01:31:12Novels are always better than movies
01:31:13and no formula, scientific or otherwise,
01:31:15can determine with absolute certainty
01:31:17if someone is going to cheat or not.
01:31:20Yes, I believe in instincts,
01:31:21but unlike you, I know there is right and wrong.
01:31:25And the wrong thing to do here
01:31:26is to indulge you in whatever this is
01:31:28because A, you're my boss now,
01:31:30and as weirdly hot as that might be,
01:31:32jeopardizes everything I've worked for
01:31:33and it's also illegal.
01:31:35B, if it was ever going to work out between us, Gina,
01:31:38it already would have a long time ago.
01:31:40And C, because you used me
01:31:42for this stupid little scheme of yours,
01:31:44I met Lauren.
01:31:46I love her.
01:31:49Okay?
01:31:52I love her.
01:31:53She's everything I want in a partner.
01:31:55She's beautiful, she's smart, she's quirky.
01:31:58Yes, she's stubborn,
01:31:59but that's because she knows what she wants.
01:32:01At least she thinks she does
01:32:02and I think that's adorable.
01:32:04She loves pizza and hiking and sleeping in on Sunday.
01:32:07Her interests are just different enough from mine
01:32:09that we'll always be able to show each other new things.
01:32:12And I get butterflies when I see her.
01:32:14And I get butterflies when I know I'm about to see her.
01:32:18And no, she's not perfect,
01:32:21but she's perfect for me.
01:32:25And I don't care what I have to do or how long it takes,
01:32:28I'm gonna prove it to her.
01:32:31You just did.
01:32:33Congratulations, Cal, you were the last challenger.
01:32:36You had to be, and you won.
01:32:42Lauren, hi.
01:32:45You love me?
01:32:47With everything I got.
01:32:51I love you too.
01:32:56Okay.
01:32:58Okay.
01:33:00What do you say we put all this behind us
01:33:02and start again, huh?
01:33:04No expiration date.
01:33:11Love!
01:33:11Love!
01:33:17He's very excitable.
01:33:22Cheers.