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Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00When your bell bottoms look so good in those, I forgot I was gay for a second.
00:14I found them in my attic. There's all kinds of cool crap up there. Also, and this is gonna
00:22blow your mind. We have an attic. That explains a lot. One time I put my hand through the
00:29ceiling when I was dance punching a Billy Idol. Came down with pop rocks and a thong.
00:36I just thought that's what houses were made of. How are you this okay? Yesterday I watched
00:41you publicly humiliate yourself in front of the woman you love. I heard it was next level
00:45embarrassing. Like worse than when I double puked at my holiday concert. I had to buy
00:50the school a new mop. I don't know. I feel pretty good about it. Now Nick knows how I
00:58feel and her boyfriend was pissed, which means I look cool as hell. You know who else
01:03is cool as hell? John Rambo. There you are, you dumbass. What the hell is wrong with you?
01:13You love me? You are so full of it. You just can't stand to see me with someone else. Nick,
01:19this is real. Look at my face. That's the same face you make when you pee in the woods.
01:27You know I love that too. You're proving my point. I have no reason to believe anything
01:34you're saying. You almost kissed Leia. You dumped me in front of my friends and you tell
01:39me you love me just so you can break up with Betsy. Summer's been so crazy I forgot he
01:43kissed Leia. Almost. Almost. You know what? I can't even be in the same room as you right
01:49now. Some memory on that one. Sexy, right?
02:14Hello, Wisconsin!
02:18Oh, for Pete's sake. Kitty, I just found another one of your speeding tickets hidden
02:27in the crisper. Well, I can explain. I got another speeding ticket and hid it in the
02:33crisper. This is your third ticket this year. They're going to jack up our insurance rates
02:40and now I have to go and call our agent and use my nice guy voice. Hi, Marsha. How's the
02:50hobby? Kill me! Third ticket, huh? That's when they take your license. What? No, I can't
02:59lose my license. School is starting soon. How will I get to work? And bingo! It is the
03:06only place left where a gal can scream. Well, maybe you'll get off easy. How fast were you
03:13going? I don't know. Celebrate by Cool and the Gang came on and I followed directions.
03:19That is what I get for taking Leia to the bead store. She thinks I love these homemade
03:24bracelets. I must have thousands. They just, they look like little dead teeth on a string.
03:30Hang on. Leia was in the car? Well, just have her tell the judge whatever crap you need
03:35to get out of the ticket. You mean ask her to lie? Oh, she is so sweet. I could never.
03:41My kids do it all the time. They got me out of a public intoxication, a public urination,
03:46a public French and a cop. I love St. Paddy's Day. Can you believe Bob left all this stuff up
03:56here before he moved? It's a frickin' 70s time capsule. Clothes, records, and a bottle of
04:04Quaaludes? I'd be weirded out that Bob and I have the same body type if this didn't look so damn
04:13good on me. Do you really think I still have a shot with Nikki? Oh, totally. I mean, she wouldn't
04:19have gotten so worked up if she didn't care. She didn't say that she didn't love you. She said she
04:24didn't believe that you loved her. You gotta make her believe. I can do that. I once convinced a
04:31horse that I was also a horse. Found the shoes. Damn, it's locked. You don't lock up shoes unless
04:42they're frickin' fantastic. What if I did something epic? Like, like holding the boombox over my head
04:49or filling up a bathtub full of shrimp. Yes, do that. That's a good one. Don't do that. But a
04:57grand gesture is the way to go. Bro, she has a boyfriend. She's not gonna like that. Then why
05:02is it in every romantic comedy? Because men write those movies. And who knows women better than men?
05:08I'm cool. I'm cool.
05:26Banana bread, peach pie, chocolate chip waffles, mac and cheese, cheese and mac, two very different
05:32things, both delicious, dig in. What's going on, Grandma? Are you practicing for Thanksgiving? I only
05:39do that at night when everyone's asleep. This is for you. I'm related. Remember last week when Grammy
05:48was speeding and got that pesky ticket? When you were racing home to catch the end of America's
05:53Funniest Film Videos? Oh, I had to see if Kitten Sneezes on Birthday Cake makes it another week.
05:59I was hoping you could come to court with me and fudge a few details so I could stay out of
06:06trouble. You want me to lie? Not lie, fudge. Which I also made because I do things for you without
06:17asking so many questions. Doesn't this go against everything you've ever taught me? Oh, now you're a
06:24good girl. I hear you in your room having those tickle fights with Jay. Come on, Grandma. Lying in
06:33court is a big deal. I can't do it. Oh, please. This is traffic court, not the OJ trial. Now this is a
06:47grand gesture. It kind of makes sense like this because I am way bigger than she is.
06:56What the hell, man? Nikki's my girlfriend. Why would you paint that on here? It's called freedom
07:00of speech. If you don't like it, you can take it up with the Pledge of Allegiance. My boy knows
07:05this shit. Take it down or we're gonna fight. Careful. Those are fighting words. Exactly.
07:15Fine. Let's do this right now. Oh, it's on. I was on my way to rehearsal so I can't fight you right
07:23now. How about four o'clock? No can do. I'm going back to school shopping with my mom. Yes. The
07:30shoes I pick out today, they're gonna be with me for the rest of the year so I can't blow that off.
07:35Let's push it to five. Depends how fast we get through the third act. Not everyone's off book,
07:41even though they've had the script for a month. What about 7 30? Done. Done. Done. Done.
07:50I got the last done. That worked out perfect. You're gonna kick his ass and I'm gonna make
07:56sure Nikki sees this sign, okay? All you have to do is wait for her to run into your arms.
08:02No one handles stuff like you. Mess with the best, die like the rest.
08:11You okay, dude? Uncle Ron?
08:17Take a minute.
08:24Man, I forgot all this stuff was up here. Back when we were packing up the house,
08:31I couldn't fit up the attic hole. You let yourself go? Other way. I was a gym rat. I started juicing
08:39steroids, HGH, horse testosterone. They turned the grapes into raisins, but my shoulders were like
08:49cannonballs. Fascinating. Do you remember the combination to the trunk or not? Sure. 32, 27,
09:0036 midges measurements. Oh wait, that's before we bought her new rack.
09:14Oh, it's full of family memories. Wear the shoes, old man.
09:20Oh, Donna's dress she wore when we took her to Disneyland. Actually, it was just a little
09:27horse ride outside the grocery store, but you know, kids, they're stupid.
09:34Midges before and after pictures. What an angel. Look at those torpedoes.
09:45And the winner of the $10,000 is Kitten Sneezes on Birthday Cake. Yes, because it is the funniest,
09:53the funniest home video. It wasn't funnier than Granny Loses Top on Slip and Slide.
10:05That was a series of bad decisions. The three of us need to talk. Grandpa,
10:13Grandma has been pressuring me to lie in court. No, I wouldn't call it pressuring. I found this
10:17note under my pillow. Do the right thing. I know where you sleep. Really, Kitty? Your plan
10:24is to drag our granddaughter into all this mess? I like it. You want me to lie too? If that ticket
10:33sticks, our insurance rate goes up 200 bucks a month. Now, I don't know how much you think
10:41your morals are worth, but it's less than 200 bucks a month. Who are you people?
11:00I love when we match outfits. We should pull over and take our Christmas picture.
11:07We're on a job, Kitty. All right, rough stuff.
11:14You know what I loved about Paris? The little differences. Like McDonald's,
11:20remember what they called a quarter pounder with cheese? Royale with cheese.
11:27How did they come up with that? Europe is so clever. They're on the metric system there.
11:35They wouldn't know what the quarter pounder is.
11:41Next time we're in Europe, I want to go to Holland.
11:45You know what they put on their french fries instead of ketchup? What? Mayonnaise.
11:53I saw it on TV. They drown them in that shit.
11:57You guys are freaking me out. Well, just think about it. Really think about it.
12:13Hey, let's take a ride. I've seen the water tower, Jay. But did you see the part where he
12:18wrote Nate loves Nikki on it? Come on, Nikki. I mean, I've been with Nate every step of the way.
12:25He really loves you. If that was true, he would think about how all his crap
12:30always leads to me getting hurt. I'm in a mature relationship now with someone at my level.
12:35What if I teach him how to be mature like me? You think the Power Rangers are real?
12:41One day the Megazords are gonna attack us and you'll be kissing their ass.
12:46I'm done with you. Hey, quick question. What's your stance on two dudes fighting over a girl
12:52and then the winner gets to keep her like a stuffed bear at a carnival?
12:56Wait, what? Isn't Nate gonna fight Theo? Tonight at 7 30. Why so late?
13:03Don't even ask. It was a complete scheduling fiasco.
13:12I got nowhere with Leia. We raised her right, now we're paying for it.
13:17Well, you either gotta sleep with the judge or find a way to get some sympathy. Both work,
13:21one's more fun. Why would the judge have sympathy for me? This hair, this skin, look at me,
13:27I'm glowing. How about you put on that walking boot and ham up the old ankle injury? Go all
13:33out, make up a backstory. The key is you really gotta commit to it. Oh, I don't know if I could
13:38Oh, I don't know if I could pull that off. Here we go, honey. Thank you, honey.
13:47This is, this has a lot more puff. No one. Right over here.
13:57Sorry, so sorry. Here we go.
13:59Yes. Something's stuck, something's stuck.
14:06And I can still smell your hairspray, Midge. The can saved for women, but I used it all the time.
14:16What we're witnessing here is the long-term effects of steroids.
14:22Hey, Grandpa Bob, why don't you come downstairs? You've got to be hungry or thirsty or have to go
14:28to the bathroom. I'm good. I found an old jar of pickles up here, so it took care of all three.
14:36Come on, Grandpa, you can't stay up here forever. Your ham guy at the deli is gonna miss you.
14:43Being around all this old stuff brings me back to the happiest times of my life.
14:50If I go downstairs, that's gone. The only reason I'm still here is because I really
14:58want that scarf he's crying into. You know, life can get crazy and pull you in all kinds
15:05of different directions, but that's just noise. The most important thing is family.
15:13You gotta stick together, no matter what. No matter what? Always.
15:20Oh, it's so wet.
15:34That's right. I'm a few minutes early because it's the best rehearsal we had all year.
15:39Let's do this. I'll even let you have the first punch. One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four,
15:48one, two, three, four. What are you doing? I'm waking up my extremities.
15:53Trained in stage combat. You may know this move from Merchant of Venice.
16:01Did you say Dennis the Menace? How about a little West Side Story?
16:09Oh, now you're doing Popeye crap? Can we just fight now? That's my cue.
16:19What the hell is happening?
16:24Why are you holding my boyfriend so elegantly?
16:31Case 526, Catherine Foreman. Right here, your honor.
16:44And now here.
16:48You've been cited for speeding. 75 miles an hour on a surface street? Your honor,
16:54I would never speed. Every day is precious to me since I almost lost my foot.
17:02I don't want to go into what happened or how many lives I saved.
17:07You're not supposed to be talking yet. It was five. Five lives.
17:13I'm here. Can I have a minute with my grandma? Of course, sweetheart. Absolutely not.
17:19I don't know who to listen to. This is my courtroom. Objection!
17:25She is my granddaughter. Well, can I talk to both of you at the same time? I will allow it.
17:33I realize that being here for you is the right thing to do. Family should always come first.
17:40Oh, honey. Something's wrong. That's Kitty's regretful face.
17:46I see it every time she gets stuck in a conversation with you.
17:51I should never have asked you to do this. I'm sorry. I am sorry about everything.
17:57Let's move this along. Guilty or not guilty? Guilty. Guilty of speeding. Guilty as a grandma.
18:06And when I return videos, I am not kind, and I do not rewind.
18:12You know, I wasn't going to do this, but that last one really pisses me off.
18:17License suspended for 60 days. No! That's two months. Oh, that's nothing.
18:27Did you want more? Grandma, stop talking. Okay. Have fun, honey.
18:35Sorry, your honor. Sorry. Sometimes it gets slow. Oh, sorry. So sorry. Oh, that was unplanned.
18:48That was unplanned. Okay, bye. I better go make sure she doesn't go down the stairs.
18:59Bye, Judge Desner. Always a pleasure, Sherry.
19:05Seriously, Theo, I thought you were going to be the mature one. Me too. I'm shocked.
19:15This is so disappointing. I had high hopes for you, but you are just another man-baby.
19:20He's the man-baby. His mom dressed him. You shut up about my mommy. At least he's open about it.
19:28You're worse. You're like a secret man-baby. You just act like someone who's mature.
19:33Wait, did you just compliment my acting? Thank you. It's so nice to have my work recognized.
19:41Ew. No, we are definitely breaking up. I can't believe you're picking him over me.
19:47Well, that's what's happening. You'd know that if you'd ever seen the merchant. Suck it!
19:56That is what's happening, right? Just stop.
19:59Nick, I really do love you. I know. That's not where I'm at.
20:07Like, right now or forever?
20:17Got it. Yeah.
20:21Wow. You'll be okay.
20:29You know I could have kicked his ass, right? I could have kicked his ass.
20:38What the hell, Bob? Do some laundry. I got plenty of clothes, but these are the only ones making me
20:47happy right now. Are you okay? I think it's fair to say I'm not. Bob, did you hear? I lost my license
20:58through no fault of my own. So, I'm gonna need people to help drive me around. It'll be fun.
21:28Hello, Wisconsin!
22:28you