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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00and I don't want there to be a huge mess.
00:02Oh, yeah. Worry about me and not that.
00:06I see the hole, Gwen.
00:08I see it now. I see it when I'm sleeping.
00:10I see the frickin' hole!
00:12-♪♪♪♪
00:15Grandpa!
00:17Grandpa!
00:19Grandpa!
00:21Grandpa!
00:23Grandpa!
00:25Grandpa!
00:27Grandpa!
00:29Grandpa, it's been over a week.
00:32Are you sure we shouldn't have hired professionals?
00:34Hey, your great-uncle Spogiera
00:37watched them build the Empire State Building.
00:41Show some respect.
00:43But we're almost done.
00:45Just got a few more doodads and whatnots.
00:49Let's do a testicomo on Secchio Volto.
00:52Italian burn.
00:54Well, you can both relax.
00:56We have till Friday to put on the finishing touches.
00:59Yesterday, you said they'd get back Tuesday.
01:02Tell me you wrote it down.
01:04Our lives are on the line, Bob.
01:06I don't need to write it down.
01:08They're coming back on the same day I get my haircut.
01:12When is that?
01:13That I don't remember.
01:15Grandpa, that means they're coming back...
01:17Today!
01:22My kitchen!
01:25Someone's gonna die!
01:43It's over, people.
01:45They're gonna board up the basement and send me to Chicago.
01:48I'll die before I go back.
01:50Don't worry. We're gonna run away together.
01:53You'll be Thelma. You'll be Luis.
01:55We both have the hair for it.
01:57It'll be us against the world, babe.
01:59I think the world's gonna win.
02:02My parents can't know about this.
02:04They lost their minds when they found out I got a belly button ring.
02:07Your parents are tough.
02:09Can I see it?
02:11I'm not worried about the hole in her belly.
02:14I'm worried about the hole in my kitchen!
02:16I'm not worried. I just wanted to see it.
02:19Guys, we're good.
02:21We were just innocent little kids
02:23left under the care of this reckless guardian.
02:26No, no. I'm not going down like that.
02:29I will throw you all under the bus.
02:33Even me?
02:34Yours is the only name I know.
02:39Hey, before you start yelling,
02:42how was Paris?
02:44It was nice.
02:46The weather was good.
02:48The food was so-so.
02:52And there is a hole
02:55in my house!
02:58All of my cups are broken.
03:01My tea cups, my coffee cups, my gravy cup.
03:05I know it's a boat.
03:07I am upset.
03:10We didn't mean...
03:11No more talking.
03:12I am bringing down the hammer.
03:14None of you
03:15will ever see the pictures of my trip.
03:19Not even the ones of the kids smoking.
03:24That is cruel, but fair.
03:27I think I speak for everyone
03:29when I say we've learned our lesson.
03:31You're not getting off that easy.
03:34I need a name,
03:36and I need an ass!
03:42My name's Nate.
03:44And this is my ass.
03:48It was all my fault, okay?
03:49I was speeding and air drumming and...
03:52I drove my van into your house.
03:55The rest of you can go.
03:59You are going to pay me back
04:02in misery.
04:05I am going to tell you the names
04:07of every porcelain figurine you murdered,
04:11starting with Annette.
04:13She was the swan that held my napkins.
04:20Bro, what are you doing?
04:23You need your ass.
04:25This is a good thing.
04:27I saved everyone so Nicky will think I'm a hero
04:29and fall back in love with me.
04:31That will work.
04:33I know.
04:35You're the only person who I can tell about this,
04:37so I need you to put it in the vault.
04:42You better hold that key just in case.
04:47Cold.
04:50My whisk is flat!
04:54Good luck, bro.
04:59Her whisk is flat!
05:03Which means I have to take her
05:06to bed, bath, and shower.
05:11And beyond!
05:15My own personal hell.
05:19So, welcome to yours.
05:22You're going to take me suit shopping?
05:25No.
05:27But be prepared for pain,
05:30sweat, tears,
05:33and humiliation.
05:36That sounds a lot like suit shopping.
05:42Nate is such a hero.
05:44Grandpa Bob?
05:46Disappointed.
05:48Why didn't they do that?
05:50I don't know.
05:52Nobody knows.
05:54I feel so bad.
05:56This is why I'm happy I was born without a conscience.
05:59You sound like a serial killer.
06:02They get stuff done.
06:04We should get him something to make up for all this.
06:07Something he'll love.
06:09What's he really into?
06:11Professional wrestling.
06:14On his birthday, we have to save an extra piece of cake
06:17in case Rowdy Roddy Piper stops by.
06:19It always ends in tears.
06:22Or bed.
06:24Nate poses wearing nothing but his title belt.
06:27How do you know that?
06:29Sleepovers.
06:31They have one every week.
06:33It's called the Sleepover Crew.
06:35Don't say that name out loud. It gives them power.
06:38What's that I'm hearing?
06:40Jealous. Jealous.
06:43Who's the party animal?
06:45He's a wrestling superstar.
06:47You sound ridiculous.
06:49You like wrestling?
06:51Sweaty, muscle-bound guys grappling in theatrical costumes
06:54calling each other names?
06:56These are a few of my favorite things.
06:58Problem solved.
07:00We'll get him another one of these little naked guys.
07:02No more of those.
07:04Every time he takes a bath, there's like 20 of them in there.
07:07What was wrong with my idea?
07:09You never said it.
07:10Oh.
07:12Well, there's a wrestling convention in Milwaukee.
07:15The party animal's gonna be there.
07:17I really never said any of that?
07:19Then let's all go and get this signed.
07:21You know what we need?
07:23Someone who doesn't go.
07:26Yeah, I've been in one of those figurine baths.
07:29I think I've paid my dues.
07:31Fine. We'll do it.
07:33You better pee before we leave.
07:35I don't have to go.
07:36I've heard that before.
07:38Go have a seat and see what comes out.
07:47All right, Mr. Foreman.
07:48Finished cleaning the driveway.
07:50No cavities, so I'll see you in six months.
07:54I'm glad you still have your sense of humor.
07:57When the laughter dies, I know I've done my job.
08:01Now, go get rid of that hornet's nest in the backyard.
08:04That's dangerous.
08:06I need a special suit for that.
08:08A suit.
08:10I wonder if men's warehouse is open.
08:12Okay. I'm going.
08:18You kissed Aunt Maria with that mouth?
08:24I miss her, too.
08:26Maria.
08:30We're gonna cut out early,
08:32because we're too sad.
08:35See you tomorrow.
08:36No.
08:37Domani è il nostro giorno speciale.
08:42I promised them six flags.
08:44See you next week.
08:46Don't bother.
08:47You're fired.
08:48For what?
08:49We didn't do anything.
08:52We didn't do anything.
08:54It's cool.
08:56They're sleeping.
08:58Save yourself!
09:02You seriously took one of those action figure baths with Nate?
09:06It's how I got him to take a bath in the first place.
09:10Hey, girls.
09:11Mrs. Foreman, you seem like you're feeling better.
09:13Well, my blender was spared,
09:15so I made some margaritas.
09:19I gave it some thought,
09:21and I'm only punishing myself
09:23if I don't show you my vacation pictures.
09:28There's three more bags upstairs.
09:33Freshly developed pictures.
09:35Who wants a hit?
09:39Okay.
09:40Let's do this in order.
09:42Oh, no.
09:43My pickled eggs.
09:45I'm supposed to take them out of the juice right now.
09:48Ron, those things will get salty,
09:50and people will bring it up every Easter.
09:53Seriously? Pickling?
09:55I pickle.
09:58Okay, so this is us at our layover in Atlanta.
10:01It's a picture, so you can't tell.
10:03The sidewalks are moving.
10:06And this is the lady who took our picture.
10:09Her name is Diane.
10:10She's a stay-at-home mom from Tulsa.
10:14And this is a picture of a picture
10:17of her kids in her wallet.
10:20Ha-ha-ha-ha!
10:26Hey, everybody! Ready to party!
10:29I can't believe Nate's missing this.
10:31I mean, we're breathing the same air as the party animal.
10:34Like, if he burps, we can suck that down.
10:38I still can't figure out why Nate took the plane.
10:41Oh, who knows?
10:42I mean, life's a mystery.
10:44I mean, we're made of stuff that's billions of years old,
10:47but we can't buy beer?
10:49What are you talking about?
10:50What? You're acting so weird.
10:53Nate told you why he did it, didn't he?
10:55He did.
10:57Okay, but it's in the vault,
10:59and my crotch is locked.
11:01Pretty sure I can get in there.
11:04Damn it, we didn't think of that.
11:10Hey, there.
11:12That is an incredibly convincing gold dust.
11:15Did your girlfriends help you with that?
11:18Uh, no, I don't have a girlfriend.
11:21Did your wife help you with that?
11:24Wrong direction, dude.
11:26Uh, did your...?
11:27We don't have to play this game.
11:29Want a split of popcorn?
11:31I already had some.
11:32Why did I just say that?
11:34Come with me.
11:36Leah, I can't tell you why he did it.
11:38Oh, so Nate's more important than me?
11:40No.
11:41Oh, so you're saying I'm more important than Nate?
11:42Don't make me choose between my babies.
11:45Welcome to the party!
11:47We're in the middle of something.
11:48Leah, have some respect.
11:51He owns a tiger.
11:53He got out.
11:54Don't walk your dogs in Orlando.
11:56Can I ask you something?
11:58Who's more important,
11:59your girlfriend or your best friend?
12:01Did my girlfriend send you here?
12:03Because you can tell, Becca,
12:05I am where I said I'd be.
12:07I'd say it nicer.
12:09Leah, we're here to get this thing signed.
12:11Now that's a guy that gets what we're doing here.
12:14Nobody's signing Dick until you unlock your crotch
12:17and show me Nate's secret.
12:20You guys are too weird.
12:22Next!
12:27Whoa.
12:29So, did Bob and Geppetto come back
12:33and actually get some work done?
12:35Uncle Spadgero did come back,
12:37but he was shaking a rosary and spitting on the ground.
12:42I did all this.
12:43I'm kind of the handyman around my place.
12:46Wow.
12:48That's a solid job
12:50for a guy with hornet venom
12:53racing through his veins.
12:55Nothing hurts,
12:57but I can only see in black and white now.
13:00This must have been what your childhood was like.
13:05Did you fix up your van, too?
13:08Because that looks pretty good
13:10for a car that drove through a house.
13:14Uh-huh.
13:16So, you took the fall
13:19to protect your knuckle-headed friends.
13:22Yeah.
13:24But it was worth it.
13:26At least, Nicky probably thought it was cool of me.
13:30I made a huge mistake breaking up with her,
13:32and I really want her back.
13:34He did it for a girl.
13:37Of course, a lot of guys have done a lot worse.
13:41Why do you think I flew to Paris?
13:44It sure as hell wasn't to see Paris.
13:48Oh, hey, Nick.
13:50Wish I could talk, but I'm, uh,
13:52too busy doing all this hard labor.
13:58Okay, I can't talk.
14:00This is my chance to escape.
14:02Mrs. Foreman showed me a picture of a woman
14:04that looked like her grandma,
14:06and I will find a picture of her grandma to prove it.
14:09I'm leaving.
14:11Gah!
14:15There you are.
14:17Same mustache.
14:19It's uncanny.
14:27Hey, uh, Party Animal,
14:29can you please just sign this for my friend?
14:31Party's over, kids.
14:32I gotta head to Wichita
14:33for a grand opening of a Cracker Barrel.
14:35I don't have any parents or anything.
14:37It's just...
14:38I've never seen a brand-new one before.
14:40I'm gonna take a leak and hit the road.
14:45This sucks.
14:46I was just trying to be a good friend,
14:48and you put me in a really tough spot.
14:50Why?
14:51Because I want us to be honest with each other?
14:53Well, fine.
14:54If we're being so honest,
14:55tell me one of Gwen's secrets.
14:57Okay.
14:58She was born with a tail,
15:00and before she could walk,
15:02she pushed herself around the kitchen.
15:04Okay, as much as I want that to be true,
15:06it's not.
15:09So tell me a real one.
15:11Is there any way out of this where I'm not wrong?
15:15That's what I thought, so I'm right about that.
15:19Crap.
15:20This is all my fault,
15:21and now we don't have anything to give to Nate.
15:27Where have you been?
15:28You're not gonna believe this,
15:30but I made out with that guy in the golden makeup.
15:33Yeah, you did.
15:35Did you get the autograph?
15:36Nope.
15:37We're going home with nothing.
15:38Not nothing.
15:40Something great happened to me,
15:42and that's all I care about.
15:44Let's get out of here.
15:47Where'd Leia go?
15:50Hello there.
15:51What the hell?
15:52You're not supposed to be in here.
15:53Trust me, I don't want to be.
15:55But I really need you right now.
15:58You're the one sending me those creepy letters.
16:00I don't know what I'm supposed to do with your mom's ashes,
16:03and we are not getting married.
16:04No, I-I just really need you to sign this.
16:07No!
16:08It sets an uncomfortable precedent.
16:11Look, if you don't sign this,
16:13I'll tell Becca I saw you going into the Best Western
16:16with a Cracker Barrel waitress.
16:19She'd believe that.
16:21I will ruin you.
16:29You didn't cross the T.
16:31Look, little lady, Donny Electric is in that stall.
16:34You should get out of here.
16:39Well, there you are.
16:42Now, where were we?
16:44That's a joke.
16:45Paris!
16:46Hey, Mrs. Foreman.
16:48How would you find me?
16:49She's just lucky.
16:52Respect.
16:54I wish I could stay,
16:55but I've got to go read scripture to blind dogs.
16:59Go save those furry little souls.
17:03Blind dogs?
17:04I read to dogs.
17:08Okay, have you ever seen a baguette?
17:11How about...
17:12a bag of baguettes?
17:15Super cool!
17:16No, this one's a hoot.
17:17This is a bidet.
17:20I tricked Red into trying it,
17:22boy, did he get his feathers ruffled.
17:31And the new alien overlords
17:33appreciate me for my great foot rubs,
17:35and they offer to spare me and my loved ones.
17:37So then, I turn to her and I say,
17:40loved ones?
17:41I guess that includes you, girl.
17:45So, that's how I'd win back Nicky
17:47if there was an alien invasion.
17:49If the president heard you talk,
17:51he'd do something about all the lead in the water.
17:58I just...
17:59I really miss her.
18:01Like, when I was standing next to her,
18:03I felt like I had something to be proud of.
18:06Now it feels like I got nothing.
18:10I felt that same way about a girl.
18:13Now, I can't even remember her name.
18:16Mary Beth Watson.
18:19Oh, chicks.
18:21They rule.
18:24I'm gonna tell Nicky I still love her
18:25the next chance I get.
18:27And it's gonna work, too,
18:28so I won't have to marry my second choice like you.
18:31No, no, no, no, no, no.
18:33No, that's not what I said.
18:37Look, you're a nice kid.
18:39You're good with your hands.
18:41Don't put yourself down so much.
18:44Yeah, that's kind of a bad habit.
18:46Listen, if you really want her back,
18:49don't go jumping in her lap like a little doggie.
18:53Show some confidence, give it some time.
18:56She sees that,
18:58maybe things are gonna work out for you.
19:03I feel like I need to hug you.
19:05No, don't.
19:06No.
19:10Just imagine I'm Mary Beth and melt into her.
19:17Are we in the right house?
19:19I finally am.
19:20All right, that's enough, that's enough.
19:22Nathan, I got you something.
19:24Party animal signed this just for you.
19:26He touched this with his own hands?
19:30Well...
19:32Sure.
19:36Here I am eating a croissant next to the Eiffel Tower.
19:41He gets to start with the Eiffel Tower?
19:44I had to watch four skunk on the plane,
19:46one photo at a time.
19:52Ooh, here's Red in front of the Arc de Triomphe.
19:59Exactly.
20:01Oh, and here I am finishing the croissant at the flower stand.
20:14I don't know what you're saying, but I know I agree with you.
20:44Ooh.
21:14I'm not sure what you're saying, but I know I agree with you.
21:16I'm not sure what you're saying, but I know I agree with you.
21:18I'm not sure what you're saying, but I know I agree with you.
21:20I'm not sure what you're saying, but I know I agree with you.
21:22I'm not sure what you're saying, but I know I agree with you.
21:24I'm not sure what you're saying, but I know I agree with you.
21:26I'm not sure what you're saying, but I know I agree with you.
21:28I'm not sure what you're saying, but I know I agree with you.
21:30I'm not sure what you're saying, but I know I agree with you.
21:32I'm not sure what you're saying, but I know I agree with you.
21:34I'm not sure what you're saying, but I know I agree with you.