Finding Love Again -SD

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Transcript
00:00:00Beautiful! Beautiful! Unbelievable!
00:00:05Come on!
00:00:07Is that the alternator?
00:00:08Okay, where is this place?
00:00:11It's busy.
00:00:12Where is she? Where are you?
00:00:14Oh, come on.
00:00:15I know it's going to be here. I know.
00:00:18Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!
00:00:20Oh my God, I put money into you all the time.
00:00:22It's not the distributor.
00:00:23You're late.
00:00:25Seventeenth time.
00:00:27You said five minutes. That was twenty minutes ago.
00:00:29Come on!
00:00:31I wrote it on the table, put it in my purse.
00:00:34Unbooked sorority girls from Fresno. I love it.
00:00:36This is exactly what I needed.
00:00:38If that is just about perfect bank, I'm sick of this.
00:00:41It's an old damn car. Let me wait again.
00:00:44Wait a minute.
00:00:46Get caught waiting, dude. Come on!
00:00:49You do this to me all the time.
00:00:51She does this to me all the time.
00:00:53I hate you.
00:00:54Walked out the door, got in my car, and it's...
00:00:58Oh, I forgot those goddamn papers. Fuck.
00:01:02I always forget something. Goddamn it.
00:01:58I met this woman once.
00:02:27And her sight was failing.
00:02:31Not in her eyes, but it was in her mind.
00:02:35You know, for some people, the eyes fail, the light's dim.
00:02:39They go blind.
00:02:42For her, her spirit was failing.
00:02:44Her world going dim, her heart going blind.
00:02:49And as it progressed, I'd see her.
00:02:52She saw the darkness beginning to encroach.
00:02:54She'd talk about it, where it was.
00:02:57There, she'd say, the darkness has taken over my lover,
00:03:01who no longer wants me.
00:03:04And here, the darkness is covering my heart
00:03:08with the sadness of this separation.
00:03:12And it grew around her,
00:03:15covering larger and larger areas of her life
00:03:17until it covered almost her whole field of view.
00:03:22And finally, she, her whole existence,
00:03:26her whole existence was in this deep black darkness.
00:03:33And she came to me, and she came to me that day,
00:03:36and she said to me, George,
00:03:38the whole world is as black as my bitter heart,
00:03:42all except for one last speck, one last spot.
00:03:47And in that one last spot, George,
00:03:49I see a dim glimmer of light.
00:03:53It's the only light I see.
00:03:56And it took all this darkness
00:03:58and all this blackness for me to see this light.
00:04:03But then she moved towards it and into it,
00:04:11and she became blanketed by light.
00:04:15And then she wore it like a queen's robe.
00:04:18She wore this light, and she threw it around you,
00:04:21covering you in her robe of light.
00:04:24And it was a good thing, her darkness, in the end.
00:04:29In darkness, she said to me, compassion is born.
00:04:34What?
00:04:35Oh, sorry, I wasn't talking to you.
00:04:36I was just talking to me.
00:04:38I just have a word problem.
00:04:39I just got all these thoughts.
00:04:40They just keep coming at me.
00:04:42I just can't stop them.
00:04:43I can't stem the flow.
00:04:44It's like a river, like a river without a dam.
00:04:46I just say what's on my mind, that's all.
00:04:48Just say what's on your mind.
00:04:50That's what they told me.
00:04:51Speak up, I can't hear you.
00:04:56Oh, I'll say what's on my mind.
00:04:59But some people, they got thoughts
00:05:02that's just all locked up in there.
00:05:05They can't let them out.
00:05:06Afraid they're going to bite you.
00:05:12Yeah, but you've got thoughts
00:05:13you don't even want to think about,
00:05:14much less talk about.
00:05:16Like that time you hurt somebody
00:05:18and you wanted to.
00:05:21You hurt him real bad
00:05:22and it felt good at the time, didn't it?
00:05:24It felt real good,
00:05:25but maybe now it don't feel so good no more, huh?
00:05:28I hurt somebody.
00:05:31I hurt him real bad.
00:05:35That's me.
00:05:37People tell you somebody hurt them
00:05:39and they went crazy?
00:05:41No, I'm telling you,
00:05:43you hurt somebody
00:05:46and you go just as crazy.
00:05:56You can't be too cautious.
00:05:59That's why he wears them gloves all the time.
00:06:03Little germs and diseases on everything.
00:06:07I got some on my shoe right now.
00:06:11Crawling around, mutating, cohabitating, breeding
00:06:16so they can crawl onto other places and infest.
00:06:20Some of those diseases, they're bad.
00:06:22Yeah, they get on your skin.
00:06:25They make your skin fall right off.
00:06:30But some of them,
00:06:31some of them get in your brain.
00:06:33Oh, those are the kind that gloves won't help.
00:06:35No.
00:06:37Condoms won't help either.
00:06:39No.
00:06:40Those brain diseases,
00:06:42those word diseases,
00:06:44they get stuck on stuff too,
00:06:47but not on your shoes or toilet seats or nothing like that.
00:06:51No, they get stuck to your words first.
00:06:55Or maybe they get stuck to the words you hear first
00:06:59and then they make their way back inside your mind
00:07:02and then they go straight down into your soul
00:07:05and make your soul sick and diseased, rotten.
00:07:10And they're powerful.
00:07:11As powerful as any disease known to mankind,
00:07:13maybe more powerful
00:07:15because these word diseases, these brain diseases,
00:07:18they're more contagious than the strongest virus.
00:07:21And you don't need to breathe the air.
00:07:23Somebody else is breathing to catch them either.
00:07:26No, you only need to listen to what they say.
00:07:31And they can kill millions.
00:07:34They can infest millions at a time.
00:07:43I got one!
00:07:45I got one! I must have one.
00:07:48I must have one.
00:07:52I must have one.
00:08:04I got one!
00:08:21Spell is involved.
00:08:23Compressed by.
00:08:26Stimulated by.
00:08:29I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:08:32I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:08:36I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:08:40I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:08:44I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:08:48I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:08:52I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:08:56I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:08:58I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:09:01I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:09:04I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:09:07I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:09:10I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:09:13I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:09:16I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:09:19I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:09:22I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:09:25I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:09:28I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:09:31I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:09:34I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:09:37I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:09:40I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:09:43I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:09:46I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:09:49I've never fallen in love before, and I said to myself,
00:09:53...I've never fallen in love before...
00:09:57...I've never fallen in love...
00:10:10Like my fear of failure.
00:10:13Logic dictates that I am a failure, a complete loser.
00:10:17I mean, how do I not feel like I failed,
00:10:20I've had so many more failures in my life than I've had successes big failures, too
00:10:25The things that I've tried the hardest that seemed to be the things that fell the worst
00:10:30And the failures just seem to keep on mounting more and more of them every day. Maybe I am a failure
00:10:37failed person bad human worthless specimen
00:10:42Yeah, I think the real thing is
00:10:46It's not the failure. It's not the fear
00:10:50It's just me making an excuse for self-pity
00:11:20Hey, what are you doing over there?
00:11:26Hey, what are you doing over there?
00:11:30Steating a bagel
00:11:32How are you this fine morning, ma'am?
00:11:34We'll go eat your bagel someplace else and stay out of our garbage
00:11:39I'm just trying to get something to eat
00:11:42Go dig around in your own garbage. This garbage is ours
00:11:50I am the death
00:12:17So
00:12:20I
00:12:35Wonder why that woman left me a bagel
00:12:38She didn't leave me a bagel, didn't she?
00:12:41Does she like me?
00:12:43Could anybody ever love me again? Oh
00:12:46Oh
00:12:47Boy, that's the thought that just really terrifies me the thought of being unloved the thought of being uncared for
00:12:55It's like I'm just a spirit here on this planet
00:12:58trapped in this body
00:13:00and I know how to do things like
00:13:02Like make money and dress nicely
00:13:06be charming
00:13:08And I know these things would draw other people to me
00:13:11They might even love me again
00:13:13But somewhere in some
00:13:15Rancid part of myself. I wonder if they love the true me or just the appearance of me
00:13:20my money
00:13:22my clothes
00:13:23my charm
00:13:25my jokes
00:13:31So I stripped it all away I guess hoping that somebody would see the true me and love it
00:13:39So, I guess that's why I talk so much and maybe that's why some people
00:13:43Let themselves get out of shape or keep themselves unkempt or smell bad
00:13:49Just their salt crying out for recognition
00:13:52They want people to see the true self on the inside
00:13:57That's why really rich or beautiful famous people they have so much problems in their lives
00:14:03Because they attract people that nurture their service
00:14:05Because the soul is a very difficult thing to express
00:14:08It's scary, too
00:14:10It's scary because it might be rejected
00:14:12It's difficult
00:14:14Even I don't know what my soul is. I mean, it's always in motion. It's it's moving this way and that way
00:14:22this way
00:14:23and that way
00:14:25This way and that way and this way and that way
00:14:30I used to be in a very different place. Are you tired of your old car? Of course you are
00:14:35Now, would you rather have a new car or an old car? Of course, you'd rather have a new car
00:14:40What if I was to tell you that you could have a brand new maschuta scouter?
00:14:45And you could have a brand new
00:14:47Maschuta scouter
00:14:48And you could have a brand new
00:14:50Maschuta scouter
00:14:52And you could have a brand new Maschuta scouter
00:14:54What if I was to tell you
00:14:56That you could have a brand new maschuta scouter for the same payments as a two-year-old trail boss
00:15:03You'd take the new car, right? That's what I did bought one for my family. We'd love it. It is a beautiful car
00:15:08You're gonna love this car
00:15:24So
00:15:54So
00:16:24So
00:16:47Hey, what is love?
00:16:51I don't know what love is
00:16:53But I know where it is. It's right here in my heart
00:16:59in my heart
00:17:02They thought
00:17:08I wonder where the first time love came from anyway, you know the first time something or somebody actually felt love
00:17:15It was probably two great apes two great apes who were just
00:17:19Fucking wildly in the jungle just fucking their brains out
00:17:22and suddenly this this feeling like a fiery waterfall comes rushing over them and and
00:17:28They get this look and and one of them looks into the other one's eyes
00:17:32And the other one looks back
00:17:36And they slow down for a minute because they realize they don't have to do this just to procreate anymore
00:17:42and
00:17:44And
00:17:45And they get this feeling they start feeling something something coming from the generation of life itself is
00:17:51overwhelming them
00:17:53and and they take this raw material into themselves and
00:17:58They start making something
00:18:01They start making love
00:18:04Yeah, that's where love first came from
00:18:09And it's probably where language first came from as well
00:18:12Because one of those big apes probably the woman
00:18:16Looked into the other one's eyes
00:18:19And uttered the first word
00:18:21Luke
00:18:24Which meant I love you
00:18:27So
00:18:41To let myself love again jesus, I don't know i'm afraid I might get hurt again by love
00:18:49For good reason
00:18:52If I let that fear win
00:18:54God if I let that fear win and sever the slim hope that I have for really
00:18:59deep true meaningful love
00:19:01If I sever that cord and go the route of the tough guy
00:19:04unaffected by his emotions
00:19:06or the sad guy
00:19:08destroyed by his emotions
00:19:10either way
00:19:12Either way, i'll be cutting myself off from the from the purpose and the reason why i'm here
00:19:18I don't know. I don't know if I can ever let go of the love that I had
00:19:24I mean I try but
00:19:26It just keeps coming back, which is good. I think
00:19:30What the
00:19:48I mean I just I just hurt her so bad
00:19:54Oh, but maybe
00:19:57Maybe I can let go of them
00:20:00Just a little bit at a time
00:20:04Just piece by piece
00:20:11Maybe for a moment just just one moment
00:20:16Let go of every last bit of it just so I can see how it's gonna be
00:20:24That's so
00:20:54So
00:21:09Well, hello there, mr. Dumpster
00:21:12Oh, sorry, ms. Dumpster
00:21:15How could I have been so thoughtless?
00:21:18But I must say you are looking ravishing today. Why if I was a trash can I'd love nothing more than to fill you up
00:21:25But I hear you're not feeling so good today
00:21:27Understand they got you with some graffiti
00:21:29It's not very nice graffiti either. Is it?
00:21:32You wish they could have done something a little more colorful, you know, I mean there's just no account for taste these days
00:21:38Hmm
00:21:39Well, maybe they didn't have anything nicer to say
00:21:42But I got something for you to help you brighten your day
00:21:47There you go
00:21:48It's from mr. Dumpster down the street
00:21:51Yeah, I think he's got a crush on you
00:21:55Well, you have a good day
00:21:58Huh
00:21:59Oh, you're very welcome. And thank you for that pizza yesterday. It was fantastic. I must say the bouquet of the tomato sauce was
00:22:07Superb the overall ambiance was wonderful. I'd give you four and a half stars
00:22:13What oh you got something for me in here
00:22:18Let me take a look
00:22:20Oh
00:22:29Now do you want to take a chance on buying a used car that might be a lemon
00:22:33Of course, you don't do you want to take a chance on buying a car? That's got a bad reliability rating
00:22:39No, no, no. No. No. No, I guess you've heard some of the negative publicity about the uh, mashoota scouters
00:22:46It's just a bunch of hogwash that's been generated by our competitors
00:22:50Now I bought one of these cars and they're great cars and don't worry about the safety on these things
00:22:55I can verify it for it myself. I've driven these things all over the place and they're great cars
00:23:00I think you should consider buying one
00:23:05Is she the one the woman with the bagel
00:23:19So
00:23:44You got something for me in here I can feel it
00:23:49Oh
00:23:53What have we here
00:23:58Ah cool
00:24:03What's
00:24:05Oh, these are nice
00:24:09My size
00:24:12Thank you, thank you
00:24:20You
00:24:27Thank you jambo
00:24:29god of the dumpsters
00:24:31The one who puts all good things in dumpsters the god of garbage the garbage god the way the truth the light
00:24:40the filth
00:24:41Oh, we find your altars in every city
00:24:44churches in every alley
00:24:47People sacrificing to you consistently and you give back so profusely so unselfishly
00:24:53Thank you for these many gifts my friendly god
00:24:58You great smelly one
00:25:01You are the one who provides for the homeless
00:25:04You have truly saved my life
00:25:08But without you I would have died from a hunger and cold long ago
00:25:14I bow down to you jambo
00:25:16Thank you
00:25:20Thank you
00:25:47Oh, hi mrs door, uh the flowers no, no, uh, they're not for you. Uh, I was wondering if you could do me a favor
00:25:57Okay, great, thanks
00:26:01Thanks a lot
00:26:17So
00:26:39No, no
00:26:42No
00:26:44Just do what I say just do what I say jesus
00:26:52Hey, babe, thanks for the flowers. That was really sweet. I didn't send you any flowers
00:26:59Really who sent you these flowers?
00:27:03Oh
00:27:04Did you fuck somebody and they sent you flowers?
00:27:06What are you talking about? Well, usually if you fuck somebody they send you flowers
00:27:11Is that what you did you fuck somebody and they sent you flowers?
00:27:14You never sent me flowers when we first had sex don't change the goddamn subject
00:27:20Did you fuck somebody for these flowers or what? No and stop saying fuck so much
00:27:25Why does it make you feel guilty? No, it makes me feel like asking you to leave
00:27:30Oh, so now you're leaving me because you fuck somebody look i'm not leaving you i'm just asking you to leave
00:27:40But joanne
00:27:41I don't care if you fuck this guy
00:27:43We don't have to break up
00:27:46I think you'd better go for good
00:27:50Yeah, I guess so
00:27:53But joanna, I love you I don't care if you fuck this guy goodbye scott
00:28:08You know, that's just like a woman
00:28:10Find somebody else to fuck and dump the guy that really loves you
00:28:18I remember old calvin
00:28:20Poor bastard. He ran into me just after the accident
00:28:24He was just another street person
00:28:27I was still a member of society
00:28:31He was crying
00:28:36And he was coveting this this small vial
00:28:40I was drunk. I wanted to just stay drunk and get drunker and just stay that way
00:28:50But as he was crying I said hey calvin
00:28:53Why don't you and me just go out to the best bar in town and we'll just cry all night together
00:28:58and he looked at me and
00:29:00and he says
00:29:02Hey
00:29:04No one's gonna cry with you mister you're doomed to do all your crying alone
00:29:11Man it shook me up a little bit
00:29:15I don't know. So I asked for a swig off his vial
00:29:22And then he showed it to me it wasn't alcohol at all it
00:29:25It was his tears in this vial
00:29:28He was collecting his tears
00:29:30He would hold it up to his eye and his tears would roll into it
00:29:41I asked him what had happened to him and he told me about his wife leaving him and he just lost it. I mean he was bitter
00:29:51So I took him back to his place
00:29:53I looked around there was no decorations on the walls or anything. There was just all these notebooks lined up on the shelves
00:29:59They're filled with just the saddest poetry you ever saw. I mean it was pathetic
00:30:06And then
00:30:08On the windowsill
00:30:11There was these small little blue vials lined up
00:30:16He had been collecting his tears in these vials
00:30:21It must have been over a gallon and stuff he told me he said
00:30:26I'm gonna send these to her when I die so she can see all the pain and suffering i've been through
00:30:32I said
00:30:34Send all your pain and suffering the woman you love
00:30:38And mister, I don't think that's right. I don't think that's love
00:30:43And I thought about it I thought
00:30:46That's what i've been doing with my drinking
00:30:49Just showing the world how much pain and suffering I have
00:30:52I have right then and there I said no more drinking
00:30:59Then I started ducking
00:31:02And I haven't shut up since
00:31:05Now I wish I could just shut up, but my mind won't let me it has no gate on it. No spigot. No valve
00:31:11I'm, so tired of hearing you talk. Just leave me alone. Just shut up
00:31:19Just shut up you keep doing the same things over and over again and you don't stop
00:31:25It's like a brain skipping a cd skipping a computer skipping a rock skipping on the water
00:31:32Just leave me alone. Just stop
00:31:36Just stop
00:31:48So
00:31:58So what's going on
00:31:59I broke up with scott
00:32:01Shocking he never did like him
00:32:04It's not that I didn't like him
00:32:07I just thought he was a scumbag dick lick loser chauvinistic unprincipled uncaring total sleazeball cheeseball
00:32:15That's all
00:32:17Look, I just can't stand it anymore. I mean, why do I always end up with the scott like thing?
00:32:22I try and be careful and pick someone that'll be good to me
00:32:25No, you don't you always end up with the hottest coolest richest showpieces in town without fail
00:32:32And somehow you expect these guys to be different on the inside than they are on the outside and they're not
00:32:37Big surprise. No, I don't. Yes, you do to you. A man is the ultimate fashion accessory
00:32:44I'm, sorry. Well, what are you looking for? I don't know. Well, what attracted you to scott?
00:32:53I thought he was different different how
00:32:58Okay, I thought he was cute
00:33:01There you go. Well, how am I supposed to go out with a guy? I don't think is cute. I don't know I couldn't do it
00:33:07I mean
00:33:08Good-looking guys are assholes
00:33:11And ugly guys are nice. They'd have to be or else they'd never get laid. Oh, right
00:33:15So you wind up hanging out with some nice ugly guy having a great time
00:33:19Until some good-looking asshole comes by and tricks you into thinking he's nice
00:33:24So you break up with the ugly guy and break his heart and then the good-looking asshole dumps you in your whole life's a mess
00:33:31That's not true
00:33:32Ugly guys can be just as much trouble as good-looking guys
00:33:36So I figure why not have someone good-looking treating you like shit
00:33:41So you want someone who will treat you like shit? No, of course not. I just want
00:33:48I want someone who
00:33:51When I lie down at night
00:33:53I can feel his soul wrap around me. Oh, is that all?
00:33:57And love romance mystery beauty joy kids wild sex passion
00:34:02Look I want someone that won't run away when I show them the ugly parts of myself the black parts that even I don't like but
00:34:09But they're a part of me
00:34:11Like some sort of dark brooding james dean kind of character
00:34:15No
00:34:16Because I want them to love the other side of myself, too
00:34:19I want them to be able to go anywhere with me to all the twisted dark scary places inside
00:34:26And to all the loving kind caring places
00:34:29But maybe you're really complex and most guys just aren't
00:34:33I think everybody's complex inside. I think some people are just better at covering it up
00:34:40Oh, really?
00:34:42Yeah, I mean
00:34:43Aren't we the most vulnerable when we try and show our true emotions to each other?
00:34:47Isn't it like the scariest thing in the world to do?
00:34:51I think it's just easier to live without thinking about these things
00:34:55Oh
00:34:56I'm doomed
00:34:58I'm doomed to being alone
00:35:01I don't want to pretend. I don't have these things inside me for the rest of my life
00:35:05God, you're not doomed. You don't have to pretend. You don't have these things inside of you. Just don't get hung up on them
00:35:12That's all
00:35:13Well, that's the same thing
00:35:15No, it isn't
00:35:17I want
00:35:19the fairy tale
00:35:20my god
00:35:22Not only are you doomed but you're gonna burn in the fires of hell for all eternity just for uttering those pathetic words
00:35:48And the dead
00:35:52So
00:36:16So
00:36:22Is
00:36:53I got some flowers
00:36:55From who?
00:36:56I don't know. Oh
00:36:58secret admirer
00:37:00how mysterious
00:37:02and cowardly
00:37:03You are doomed and you want to know why because these kinds of things never work out
00:37:08It always ends up being the most horrible geek that ever existed
00:37:12And they sent a poem a poet a romantic super geek
00:37:17Sounds like you two are made for each other
00:37:20What's it say?
00:37:22Okay
00:37:26It says
00:37:28the lips of the wind kisses us and sighs
00:37:32angels pray to dandelions small seeds with soft wings
00:37:37Wow
00:37:39Yates. Yeah, and the weird thing is i've been reading yates lately. I figure it must mean something
00:37:47I wonder who it is
00:37:50I think it's bob at the bank. Joanna bob got married last month in hawaii to his boyfriend
00:37:57Oh, well
00:37:59Oh, it's gotta be frank at the coffee shop. Frank's going out with alvin the hairdresser
00:38:05What about mike?
00:38:06jouster
00:38:08Are all the good looking guys in this town gay? Yep
00:38:15Well
00:38:16Who could it possibly be?
00:38:18Some geek I don't think so
00:38:23Well, who
00:38:25You got me girl. I didn't think anybody liked you
00:38:29Oh
00:38:30Thanks a lot. Give me a break, you know as well as I do half this town's got a crush on you
00:38:35It could be anybody right
00:38:39It is some geek see if you can find out who the florist is
00:38:44Oh, what about brian palmer?
00:38:48Brian the mechanic. Yeah
00:38:51Whenever I see him, he always asks me about you
00:38:54but
00:38:55He's kind of gross. Hey beggars can't be choosers
00:38:59Besides we uh already know that it'll be the biggest geek in the world
00:39:04Right. Well, look see if you can find out for me. Absolutely. I'll call you. Okay
00:39:10Oh and uh
00:39:11joanna
00:39:12Yeah
00:39:13Maybe it's me
00:39:15Oh, it has to be you. Why?
00:39:18Because you said it would be the biggest geek in the world
00:39:48So
00:40:18So
00:40:49So
00:41:09Good morning couch
00:41:12Good morning bagel
00:41:14Good morning bagel
00:41:17Another bagel left by the angel
00:41:21An angel bagel
00:41:24What do you mean? What are you trying to tell me?
00:41:27Are you trying to tell me that she loves me?
00:41:31Oh don't jump to conclusions george, maybe she didn't leave it maybe she did
00:41:38Maybe she loves me
00:41:40Maybe she just feels sorry for me
00:41:43Oh
00:41:46Where is it
00:41:49If I if I beg cower and crawl I find my eight ball
00:41:58Does she love me
00:42:03What a beautiful morning
00:42:07What am I here for what is my purpose if not to love
00:42:12me
00:42:17If i'm not loving am I having any purpose at all
00:42:20Each moment spent in anger is one loss to the dark gods
00:42:24It's homage to that which I do not want to be
00:42:28This is not a thought
00:42:30This is not speech
00:42:32This is an exorcism for the demons in my soul
00:42:36This is an incantation for good
00:42:43Lovely bagel
00:42:50Hi
00:42:51Didn't I tell you to stay away from here?
00:42:53Can I just finish my bagel and then go? No, I want you out of here now before I call the police
00:42:58Well as soon as i'm done with my breakfast, i'll just go. No, I want you out of here now
00:43:03Well, I just have a couple more bites. What part of no don't you understand?
00:43:09well
00:43:10what part of
00:43:11Understanding don't you know?
00:43:42Favorite number anyway, I miss you guys
00:43:47I hope everything's okay there, but I guess i'll just uh, I guess i'll just see you tomorrow
00:44:01This is the spirit world speaking
00:44:05This is how the spirits communicate
00:44:08With little pieces of paper that blow into your feet you speak always every second of every day
00:44:17Not with words but but signs little little hints but directions to taking life
00:44:26Oh, I remember thinking I remember thinking of going down to that killer car maker
00:44:34Getting a shotgun and going down there and getting them back
00:44:38Getting them all back
00:44:42Oh, but
00:44:44I couldn't do it. Uh, I was sitting on a park bench and I
00:44:49I looked up at the street light and it winked out it went black
00:44:54I knew
00:44:55I knew at that moment that that was the way to darkness and that there had to be some way back to the light
00:45:02I think we all have that
00:45:05that place in our hearts
00:45:07that dark place that we keep a step or a block or
00:45:11million miles away from
00:45:14But that's the place that allows us to feel the the tragedies that others have suffered
00:45:21That you all have suffered
00:45:26Rosetta
00:45:28when you died you were only
00:45:3012 years old
00:45:32and that place that dark place that
00:45:35That's why we
00:45:37We turn away from and we ignore it because we're just afraid that the pain of others is just going to overwhelm us
00:45:45We're afraid it's going to open up that that sad black hole that's inside ourselves
00:45:53But the bagels
00:45:56The bagels come anyway
00:45:59Fearless bagel woman. She's come to terms with her darkness
00:46:03She knows that she she lives with it she nurtures it
00:46:08Her darkness has given her the gift of her overwhelming compassion and it fuels her inner light
00:46:16And I know I'm a disgusting wreck of a man, I mean look at me
00:46:22I'm a loser in a game of life
00:46:25I have black bitter darkness inside of me that will never disappear that no one can ever make disappear
00:46:32And yet I know
00:46:35I'm gonna give to her
00:46:39I'm gonna tell her of my love for her
00:46:43Even though I fear it's gonna drive her away. I love her
00:46:50So
00:46:58She loves me
00:47:00She loves me not
00:47:02She loves me
00:47:04She loves me not
00:47:08She loves me she loves me not she loves me she loves me not she loves me she loves me not she loves me
00:47:13She loves me not
00:47:15Oh
00:47:16She loves me
00:47:18She loves me not she loves me
00:47:20She loves me not she loves me. She loves me not
00:47:25She loves me
00:47:29She loves me
00:47:32I knew it. I knew it. She loves me
00:47:45So
00:48:04Hello
00:48:05Hi, laurie. It's joanna. Um, I got another flower
00:48:09From the coward how exciting
00:48:12Look, did you talk to brian?
00:48:14Is it him?
00:48:16No, um
00:48:18He he kind of spent the night here last night
00:48:21Laurie, i'm sorry hun. I called him to ask him about you and the next thing I knew I think he's gross anyway
00:48:29I knew it wasn't him. How because
00:48:32this guy
00:48:33Is different? No, I mean
00:48:36it's weird, but
00:48:38When I lie in bed at night and imagine him with me
00:48:42I can
00:48:43Feel him out there thinking about me. You're fantasizing about this man. Are you crazy?
00:48:49Joanna, you don't even know who this guy is
00:48:53You're just in love with some fantasy prince charming. No, it's not prince charming
00:48:58it's more like
00:49:01the lover from the marguerite durand novel and
00:49:05Why not why not fall for the perfect fantasy because when the fantasy becomes reality
00:49:11Somebody's gonna get hurt
00:49:13I'm, not gonna get hurt from a secret admirer. I know how these things always resolve themselves
00:49:19besides
00:49:21I need a little fantasy in my life right now. I mean
00:49:24This is like the perfect guy
00:49:27He comes to me at night. We have incredible sex
00:49:31He leaves in the morning and he always puts down the toilet seat
00:49:36Does he leave the used condoms on the bedroom floor?
00:49:38Oh, I hate that. No, we don't use condoms. No, but what if you get pregnant?
00:49:45I can't he uses a secret oriental method of love making which allows him to have an orgasm without ejaculating. Oh my god
00:49:54Yes, and he can go on forever. I mean all night
00:49:58is he
00:49:59very
00:50:00Well, you know, no what come on, you know
00:50:05No
00:50:07What?
00:50:09What does he have a big dick like a redwood
00:50:17How am I gonna get rid of brian tell him you don't like his car I want to get rid of him not destroy him
00:50:25Don't you ever get sick of it what running around with all these guys no
00:50:36Land of the dead
00:50:38Four days
00:51:03Self-love
00:51:08Is
00:51:25All right, buddy, it's all right i'm not gonna hurt you you don't need to bark at me for crying out loud
00:51:32Oh boy
00:51:34I don't know this
00:51:37I don't know. It's some people say that god's perfect. Is god perfect?
00:51:47I don't know. It just it just doesn't make any sense
00:51:50I mean would a perfect god let a two-year-old child get its legs blown off by a landmine
00:51:57I read about it in the paper this morning out of the dumpster. How could you do that? How what were you thinking?
00:52:04A two-year-old child for crying out loud
00:52:08You ought to come down here and let somebody teach you a lesson
00:52:14Sometimes I think you're as bad as I am
00:52:18It's not my idea of perfection. I mean even I can think of a more perfect world than that
00:52:23I don't know maybe
00:52:26Maybe you're trying to get by just as good as you can
00:52:29Just like me
00:52:31Maybe you can't stop all the bad in the world from happening
00:52:35Maybe you just try to stop it for the people that are
00:52:38trying to do good
00:52:39I don't mean
00:52:41good by by doing things like worshiping and complaining to you or whining and complaining and
00:52:46And and I gotta have more of this in my life and I don't have enough of that
00:52:51No, I mean good by doing good
00:52:55Oh, maybe we don't have the best god
00:52:58Maybe you're more like a a straight person of gods. Maybe maybe you're more like a bum god a homeless god
00:53:05Where not everything goes quite right for you
00:53:10Miracles go wrong
00:53:13I don't know
00:53:15Yeah, maybe you're not perfect. Maybe you make mistakes
00:53:20Maybe I need to forgive you you imperfect god for the mistakes that you've made just like
00:53:25I need to forgive myself
00:53:29Just like I need to forgive everyone else for theirs
00:53:55Hello
00:53:56Hi, lori. It's joanna
00:53:58I finally got something for my secret admirer
00:54:01Well, I hope it's a name and phone number or maybe like a picture totally nude
00:54:07No, it's a key to his apartment. No a key to a locker in the bus station. Oh my god
00:54:15How incredibly romantic exciting and mysterious?
00:54:19Unless of course inside the locker you find the head of his last victim
00:54:24Lori yeah, maybe he's like a freako serial killer the flower petal bus locker stalker who slyly sucks
00:54:32beautiful young women into his soft
00:54:34Sultry web of romantic candy and then chops and hacks them up for all the mean things his mother did to him
00:54:41Uh, no
00:54:42That was your last question. Oh, yeah
00:54:46So, um, i'm going down to the bus station. Do you want to come? No way? What if he's there waiting for you?
00:54:52Well, that's why I want you to come well I would but i'm going to a concert with brian
00:54:58Oh, how's that going?
00:55:00Oh, the man has problems. He is a real fixer-upper
00:55:04And and nothing. He's a total dick, but I need to get laid
00:55:09you mean
00:55:10Because he has a dick you can get laid exactly god. You're such a slut. Hey, what's wrong with that?
00:55:18I don't know. I don't know. Maybe that's just the way to be
00:55:21Listen, I would trade in my night with brian the motorhead for your romantic exciting locker key any day of the week
00:55:28Really?
00:55:29Honey, I want the real thing love kids marriage all that stuff. We all do
00:55:36Well, it's about time you admitted it to me
00:55:40Do you know how hard it is to be the last romantic woman in boulder?
00:55:44Are you really gonna fuck brian?
00:55:47No, but he thinks I am god, you're so bad. I'll call you later. I got a jet. Okay. Bye
00:56:05I know jesus
00:56:07He's a friend of mine. I met him in a pub
00:56:09It's back when I was drinking
00:56:12heavily
00:56:13I looked over
00:56:15And there he was sitting there right at the bar
00:56:18He was drinking too. He had a glass of wine or something
00:56:23I said jesus christ, man. Am I glad to see you?
00:56:27And you would not believe what's been going on around here
00:56:31The last 2 000 years they've been fighting wars and such on tv. They steal money from the meek
00:56:40They've practically screwed up the whole planet and you know the thing is I mean
00:56:45I don't really want to tell you this but they've been doing it all in your name
00:56:51I had to tell him and he just kind of looked at me
00:56:54With these eyes his eyes were just so full of light and joy
00:56:58and I kind of looked at him and his hair was all tangled up and he was kind of dirty and skinny looking and
00:57:05Looked to me like he's been living out on the street for god all his whole life probably
00:57:09And then he says to me
00:57:12You know
00:57:14You have no idea what it's like pal. They are after me every day
00:57:19They're always on my back and you know what very little of all this impresses me
00:57:25Very little of it
00:57:27Foreign
00:57:39Then he mumbled something else I don't quite remember what it was and then he said something like uh
00:57:44Hey, how about sliding me a dollar so I can get some food?
00:57:49and then he looked into his glass and he just kind of stared into it for a while and
00:57:53I just kind of felt my heart sink
00:57:56And I looked at him and I said
00:57:59Can't you just make a miracle or something save the world from all these wars and everything?
00:58:05And he looked at me and he goes
00:58:07Don't look at me pal. I've done all I can
00:58:10I've been trying to save the world, but
00:58:13How can I change your heart when it's all balled up like a vest? I can't change your mind. No matter how much it's been blessed
00:58:22Well
00:58:23I'd been drinking for days and uh, this just kind of pissed me off so I looked at him and I said
00:58:28Oh, I see. You're just gonna sit there drinking why we all go straight to hell
00:58:34You can't tell me that even the messiah has lost all hope
00:58:42And then he just kind of twisted his glass he turned his head ever so slowly
00:58:49And
00:58:51He took a long stare at me
00:58:55He looked at me with those big round eyes of his and he says
00:59:06Look pal, you can buy me a drink or you can leave me alone. The rest is up to you
00:59:14And then he just wouldn't say a word after that
00:59:19Yeah
00:59:49So
01:00:04Hey richard richard, hey, hey, how's it going? All right. All right. Good to see you
01:00:11Hey, listen, uh
01:00:13I need some advice on what?
01:00:16Uh women what else?
01:00:19Listen don't ask me. All right. I haven't a clue what women think go ask somebody who's married or in a relationship
01:00:25You got a relationship. I don't have a relationship. I have a sinking ship
01:00:30It's close enough. I look I just need some advice on what to do with the woman
01:00:34That's been giving me the bagels the bagel. Well, have you actually spoken with her yet?
01:00:39No, it's worse than that. How much worse?
01:00:43Well, I think i'm in love with her you think
01:00:47Uh, okay, I I know i'm in love with her you're in love with her with her
01:00:54I love her. I I don't know how she feels about me
01:00:58Well, have you told her?
01:00:59No, I
01:01:01No, look at me. I i'm afraid what she might think. Let me tell you something
01:01:04Okay, you know one time I asked somebody for some advice and they gave it to me and I took it
01:01:09Fucked my whole life. I fucked it up royal
01:01:12Okay, well
01:01:14I give you permission to fuck up my life
01:01:20Well
01:01:22Years later. All right, I came to realize that they were directing those comments to themselves
01:01:26Okay, it was almost like the advice they were giving me were based on what they would have done in the situation that I was
01:01:31In which is what I think humans do generally they can't help it
01:01:35So, what do you mean exactly what do you mean I what do I mean, um
01:01:41Okay, like say if I were to ask somebody if I should put avocado on my sandwich, right?
01:01:44Okay, and they say nix the avocado because they're trying to lose weight. Well, maybe i'm trying to gain weight
01:01:48Okay, so they're giving me advice based on what they would have done and said what I should have done
01:01:53Okay
01:01:54So what happened?
01:01:56Well, I did this thing in that situation, which would have been great had they done it
01:02:00But for me it wound up being the worst thing that could have transpired, you know
01:02:03So as a result of that I wound up being alone
01:02:07Fucked up relationships all because I bullshitted when I should have told the truth
01:02:10What bullshit?
01:02:14No, well, she was it george, you know what i'm saying? She was it. All right, and the advice I got was
01:02:19Don't tell your lover man or you'll scare her off
01:02:21So I didn't tell her
01:02:23You know, so she left town and left a note
01:02:25note
01:02:26What'd it say?
01:02:28The note. All right. All right. Got it right here
01:02:33Wait, let's stick a gum you're gonna no, I need that
01:02:39Richard I'll love you forever anita
01:02:45Oh man, I got a postcard from her a couple of years ago, she's living in minneapolis now married got kids doing really well
01:02:52I'll tell you it makes me feel sick even today to think about it, you know
01:02:56And of course, you know the guy that gave me the advice happily fucking married
01:03:02Anyway the point is okay is that
01:03:05Anytime anybody wants to give you some advice. I mean, I don't care who it is
01:03:08It could be a doctor or a lawyer your therapist or your mother. They're really saying it for themselves
01:03:15Oh, yeah, right. All right
01:03:19So tell her your lover is my advice to you but it doesn't apply to you so don't take it
01:03:29Right got it got it
01:03:36Got it you're gonna leave huh? Uh, yeah. Yeah, uh
01:03:41Yeah
01:03:42Hey, you all right
01:03:46Yeah, yeah, yeah, i'm, okay
01:03:52Hey, uh, you know take a shower though before or whatever you do, you know just
01:04:12Love kindness joy bliss
01:04:18Caring self-assurance
01:04:20These are the things that I was born with
01:04:23I don't need to follow some guru or religion
01:04:27in order to find spiritual bliss
01:04:30These things are inside of me every second of every day
01:04:35I just happen to be covered up with a layer of crap right at the moment
01:04:38I
01:04:40Just need to stop I just need to stop and get down under these layers and uncover that
01:04:46hidden self down on the inside
01:04:49Yeah
01:04:50It's just all this crap all these bad thoughts these
01:04:53inappropriate actions these
01:04:56inappropriate thinking patterns
01:04:58It's not like we were all born
01:05:00perfect
01:05:01and then we had to go discover a course in miracles or or or become a
01:05:06Scientologist or uh, uh spend a hundred years on a mountaintop meditating
01:05:12No
01:05:14No
01:05:16No, no, no
01:05:19I think we came into this world as far more perfect beings
01:05:24Yeah
01:05:27And it's not something that exists out there I don't have to go somewhere else to go find it no it's right here
01:05:35It's right here inside of me. I just need to
01:05:38To get all that crap out. Just pour it out. Just skew it out of my mouth
01:05:44Just get rid of it until i'm clean on the inside
01:05:49Get down to that hidden perfection that's buried deep down inside of me
01:05:53And let it rise to the surface of my heart and heal myself
01:05:58That's what i'm gonna do
01:06:02That's what i'm gonna do
01:06:03it's all down deep inside of us now, I
01:06:07Feel it. We're perfect on the inside. I mean, you know that don't you?
01:06:11Yeah, you know anybody knows
01:06:14Um
01:06:32This is who I am my friend, I I hope you like me
01:06:37Me
01:06:41She's not gonna like me what am I thinking?
01:06:46This is crazy, oh god, what if she wouldn't like me?
01:07:04She's not gonna like me
01:07:07Hey
01:07:08What are you doing?
01:07:10Well, I I was just gonna put something into your mailbox
01:07:15You've been leaving me things. Yeah
01:07:18Yeah
01:07:19you left me
01:07:21the flowers and the key
01:07:23Yeah
01:07:25Oh my god, what was I thinking?
01:07:28Of course, of course, it would be someone like you
01:07:31No offense, but you're not exactly someone I can fall in love with, you know
01:07:35What is wrong with you what were you thinking?
01:07:39Well, you just left me those bagels
01:07:42I leave stray dogs biscuits and I don't expect them to start following me
01:07:48You can't do this anymore. You have got to leave me alone. I just I wanted to thank you
01:07:55Oh, are you crazy? Oh my god, my girlfriend said you'd be some kind of psycho. What is wrong with you?
01:08:02Oh, you've got bodies in your freezer, I mean have you ever killed anybody? How did you know?
01:08:09I I just love my wife and my child so much
01:08:13look
01:08:15You don't love me. You got that?
01:08:17You don't love me and I don't love you and I never will love you
01:08:23You had better leave and you had better leave me alone and you had better not come back here. You got that?
01:08:29I'm going inside and i'm going to call the police and if you ever come back here i'm going to have you
01:08:35Arrested and i'm having a restraining order put on you. So
01:08:39Stay out of my mailbox
01:08:42and my garbage
01:08:45You don't understand. I I just wanted to thank you for the bagels. I
01:08:49I won't come back if you don't want me to
01:08:53I just talk too much. I just talk too much. That's all well now, you know
01:08:58Now, you know i'm a complete and utter bitch and I hate you
01:09:02So get the fuck away from me
01:09:05You disgust me you disgust me to the very core of my being
01:09:28I'm
01:09:58Foreign
01:10:16I didn't want it to be this way
01:10:28Is there hope
01:10:36Very doubtful
01:10:41Is there love goodness kindness
01:10:50Oh, I look not so good
01:10:54But I believed in these things
01:10:56I know they exist. I know they do
01:11:01For some
01:11:03For the lucky ones
01:11:07But not for me
01:11:11It only exists for those who still believe
01:11:16To reach out have some grab your pitiful hand
01:11:21I thought that love would come. I thought that I would find it again. I thought that I felt it
01:11:26but no
01:11:27I only felt the hope of it the longing of it. I thought that
01:11:32Something or somebody was watching over me
01:11:36Now I know that there is
01:11:38But not something benevolent and kind not something wonderful and caring but something malevolent and vindictive something sour and cold
01:11:47Back when I have love and a child back before I killed them and let myself be washed over by the flames of hell
01:11:56But then I thought I was dead but I had not died
01:12:00But I was dead and only I could will myself back to life the flames which I alone
01:12:06Allowed to consume and torture me
01:12:09I could not forgive good or god or or good spirits or or the tao or karma
01:12:16Or buddha or yaweh or mary or whoever it is that you pray to
01:12:21For all the good it had given me I could not forgive it for taking away so much in such a cruel and senseless manner
01:12:30Was it just me and an evil act of evil self-intent
01:12:34What possessed me? How can I forgive myself and god for allowing it?
01:12:39If I do I do forgive him in my my thoughts
01:12:43I do forgive him in my
01:12:45my thoughts
01:12:47But when when will this sink down in the very depths of my soul and stay there nurturing me?
01:12:53Become a part of me
01:12:55Why is it so easy?
01:12:57To forgive in the brain and the mind and the intellect
01:13:02To forgive in the heart where the dark things dwell with their sticks and their
01:13:08jabbing knives tearing me apart
01:13:13I have every right. I have every right to be angry
01:13:17I have every right to be angry
01:13:21I have every right to be angry
01:13:28Do I do I want to be
01:13:43So
01:14:13Oh
01:14:43Oh
01:15:11Your
01:15:13Face
01:15:18I was driving home one night with my family and I swerved to avoid hitting a dog
01:15:26And uh
01:15:29It rolled over and I killed him I killed my family
01:15:43Um
01:15:45Mighty I am
01:15:49Mighty indwelling god
01:15:51Ah
01:16:13Um, i'm, sorry, i'm, sorry, I just I wanted to apologize for the other day
01:16:21I'm, sorry
01:16:23so
01:16:26I'm i'm not gonna yell at you anymore
01:16:33Oh
01:16:35Um
01:16:36Do you need to be alone? I can go. No. No, uh, that's okay. I
01:16:43I wanted you to meet
01:16:45my wife and
01:16:46Child while they wanted to meet you
01:16:49I guess you think it's pretty
01:16:52Weird me introducing you to my wife and child that are dead out in the middle of a graveyard
01:16:59I just wanted their approval for what I I guess I don't really know
01:17:08I must just be crazy. It's no no, you're not crazy
01:17:19I'm not
01:17:21No you you just need to be loved
01:17:32So do I
01:17:39I don't know what to say. Um
01:17:44Well
01:17:47You look really nice
01:17:50Um
01:17:53Why don't we go get a bagel do you do you want to get a bagel come on my treat let's go
01:18:02It's really peaceful here, huh?
01:18:04And look at all these sleeping bodies
01:18:07I wonder if they're having pleasant dreams
01:18:10I bet they are
01:18:11How could you in a place like this?
01:18:14I hope
01:18:21If you see me walking
01:18:36A little that is
01:18:43Foreign
01:19:13Going
01:19:34Happy child in the eyes that know
01:19:38Things
01:19:52Hold you close as we fly on our silver
01:20:08So
01:20:23Make a sound in the land where no one sings
01:20:29Plant a seed in the ground where all life springs
01:20:34Is
01:20:47Hold you close as we soar
01:21:03Things
01:21:20Turn this bird around we're going home
01:21:34Bird
01:21:48We're going
01:22:01We're going
01:22:03Home