Daddy Issues - Season 01 Episode 06

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Transcript
00:00It's good to be home, isn't it?
00:03Yeah.
00:04Yeah, yeah.
00:05Oh, Dad, you don't need to do this every time you clean the same room.
00:08I know, I know. I just thought, well, because I wanted to give you a surprise.
00:12Surprise!
00:13Happy baby shower.
00:14Oh, my God.
00:15Yeah. I did invite your mum, but she sent some very unkind memes by way of reply, so...
00:20Aw. Well, nothing's on fire, like the last party you organised.
00:24Aw, come here, mate.
00:26You helped him with this, right?
00:27Me? No.
00:28Oh, God.
00:30Hello.
00:31Look, look, look, look, look, look.
00:32Loads of prezzies.
00:33Yeah.
00:34Look, and here's Catherine.
00:35Dad, it looks like she's died.
00:40So, Derek sorted out all the food.
00:42Aw.
00:43Roast beef dinner flavour, one of my favourites.
00:44Oh, wow, that's actual baby food.
00:45Yeah.
00:46We're not eating actual baby food, are we?
00:48What else are we going to eat at a baby shower?
00:50And there's, uh, there's presents. Sit down, I'll get them for you.
00:53Sit down.
00:54Look, this one, this is, uh...
00:56This is from Barris.
00:58Ooh, adult nappies.
01:00Yeah, and, uh...
01:02And we're not Jewish.
01:04What on earth is he?
01:05Adult nappies are really handy post-birth.
01:07For me?
01:08Ooh, what's this, then?
01:10A Tia Maria and two water-damaged boxes of Calpol.
01:16Found those under the sink at work.
01:18I thought Gemma would like these.
01:20Could open it now.
01:21Wet the baby's head, but the Tia Maria, not the Calpol.
01:24Although...
01:25Cheeky cocktail.
01:27I'm just going to...
01:29There you go, Gemma, look.
01:31Aw, thanks, Winnie.
01:33Aw.
01:35What a lovely dog toy.
01:36It's a baby toy.
01:38No, it's a dog toy.
01:40No, baby toy.
01:42OK.
01:44A few essentials.
01:45Aw.
01:46Boring, but useful.
01:48Babe, did you see the dog toy in the menorah?
01:50Don't.
01:51I'm desperate for boring but useful.
01:53Who's Anda, by the way?
01:55I don't think so.
01:56I did invite him, though.
01:59Don't think I've forgotten about your birthday tomorrow, King.
02:02Don't make a fuss.
02:03Malcolm, you and I need to have some fun
02:05before this baby comes along and ruins all our lives, OK?
02:08Which is why I have booked us an escape room.
02:11I don't even know what that is.
02:13What?
02:14Really?
02:15Well, I bloody love them, so happy birthday.
02:18Right, get out of the fucking way, Winnie.
02:23What's this going to be, then?
02:26It's a baby blanket.
02:28Oh, my God.
02:30This is really lovely.
02:32Always bossing the prezzies?
02:34Aw.
02:35Yeah.
02:37Babe, check there's nothing weird in or on this.
02:41It's lovely, that.
02:43Nope.
02:46So, two weeks to go, eh?
02:48Yeah.
02:49And you've got all the basics covered?
02:51Cot?
02:52Yep.
02:53Pram?
02:54Yep.
02:55Oil for massaging Gemma's perineum?
02:57Oh, well, we haven't talked about that,
02:59but there's something crisp and dry in the cupboard if she needs it.
03:02Listen, what time's this escape room booked for?
03:04Cos I'm having her walk removed in the morning,
03:06you know, just as a birthday treat to myself.
03:08No idea.
03:09All I know is that they grab you off the street
03:12and bundle you into a van.
03:14What, like a kidnapping?
03:16Exactly like a kidnapping.
03:18It's themed on the film Taken.
03:20Yeah, but what if it's a real kidnapping
03:23and I don't fight back cos I think it's the escape room thing?
03:26Well, that, my friend, is part of the thrill, isn't it?
03:28You might think it's the escape room guys,
03:30whereas actually it's an old enemy who wants to rip out your heart
03:33and shit in your chest cavity.
03:34Thankfully, I haven't got any old enemies who want to do that.
03:37What about your ex-wife?
03:40Oh, fuck.
03:43So, which lucky tosser did you pick as your birth partner in the end?
03:46Malcolm?
03:47Oh, God, no, can you imagine?
03:49No-one wants their dad catching a glimpse of the business end.
03:53Oh, remind me, I need to pick up his birthday cake.
03:57Do you think he'd like me to jump out of it semi-naked?
04:00The cake's about this big.
04:02Look, I had a boob in there.
04:04Who is gonna be your birth partner?
04:06Cherry's the natural choice, but she's got the kids, so...
04:09I mean, I keep telling her, Winnie,
04:10pick me, pick me!
04:12I'd be amazing, Gemma!
04:14I was once held hostage in an embassy and I thrived,
04:18absolutely thrived under those conditions.
04:21You can't make a diamond without intense pressure.
04:23Fine.
04:24If Cherry's not available, you can do it.
04:27Look, Winnie, you might not see me for a while now.
04:29I go on maternity leave on Monday.
04:31Got a lovely 18-year-old boy coming in to cover.
04:34Very keen to learn the ropes, if you know what I mean.
04:37Good luck, Gemma, love.
04:41See ya.
04:43Rita?
04:44Mm?
04:45Please don't groom your 18-year-old apprentice
04:47into shagging you on a crate of toner.
04:51What the fuck is that?
04:53I think my waters are broke.
04:55I'm not due for another two weeks.
04:57It's OK, Gemma.
04:58Yeah.
04:59I'm here.
05:00I'm just gonna, er, get the...
05:02get the cleaning-in-progress sign
05:04so that no-one slips on your fluid.
05:07Rita!
05:08Where you going? Rita!
05:14Oh!
05:15Oh, that's a lovely job.
05:17Ow!
05:18Ow!
05:20Ooh!
05:22Malcolm Musgrave.
05:23Eh?
05:24You're about to be...
05:25Taken!
05:26What?
05:27Oh!
05:28Oh, right, OK.
05:29Before we go on, can I just double-check that my wife,
05:31er, well, my ex-wife, Davina,
05:33she's not involved in this at all, is she?
05:35There's no Davina on the booking form.
05:37Oh, thank goodness for that.
05:38Right.
05:39Well, crack on.
05:40OK, great.
05:41Well, give me your phone.
05:42Eh?
05:43Why?
05:44Er, cos you're being...
05:45Taken!
05:46Oh, right!
05:47Yeah, there you go.
05:48Right, get in the van.
05:49Right!
05:50Oh!
05:51Ha-ha!
05:52Oh!
05:53Heads.
05:54Malcolm!
05:55Hands.
05:58This is fun, isn't it, Darren?
06:00I think I've made a terrible mistake.
06:05Rita!
06:06Is everything OK?
06:07I'm having a shit!
06:09I'm having a baby!
06:10Look, I'm a massive shit, go away!
06:13You know how sluggish my bowels get!
06:16Right, so you don't want to be my birthing partner after all?
06:18On reflection, no.
06:19What about I thrive under pressure?
06:21What about I was taken hostage in an embassy?
06:23No-one comes out of anyone else's vagina during a siege, Gemma!
06:40Why are you closing early?
06:42Gas leak.
06:43Don't spend any gas.
06:44No, there's so much gas.
06:45You better go, actually, I don't want you exploding everywhere.
06:48Are you sure you're not in labour?
06:50I might be a bit in labour.
06:51And why are you pretending not to be?
06:53I don't know, it's too early, I'm taking my dad out for dinner tonight!
06:56Oh, you are such a dickhead, Gemma!
06:58Come on, I'm driving to the hospital!
07:00Hey!
07:02Watch your step.
07:04Oh, what a great birthday treat, Derek!
07:06Thank you!
07:07I don't like it, Malcolm!
07:09Oh!
07:10Time's up!
07:11Time's up!
07:13I don't like being bonded into a van with a bag on my head!
07:17Take your hood off, Malcolm.
07:18What?
07:19I'm quite enjoying it, actually.
07:20Keep your hoods on, you'll spoil the magic!
07:24I told you to cuff them behind their backs!
07:28Dad, it's happening!
07:30I'm not ready!
07:32Happy birthday!
07:35OK, let's get you in.
07:38OK.
07:39Do you have any legs?
07:40No, I'm fine.
07:41All right.
07:42Ah!
07:44OK.
07:51OK.
07:53Gentlemen, welcome to your Taken-themed escape room.
07:56You have been taken and must solve the clues to release yourself from this lock-up and save your daughter.
08:04Sorry, I don't want to sound like I'm not enjoying it, cos I am,
08:07but wasn't it the daughter that got taken in Taken?
08:11Eh?
08:12I mean, it wasn't Liam Neeson who got taken, was it?
08:15It was his daughter, wasn't it?
08:16Yeah, Malcolm's right.
08:17Are we meant to be the daughter?
08:19I knew it.
08:21I fucking knew it.
08:22I said we should have done the Saw franchise.
08:24No, no, OK.
08:25You need to escape from the lock-up to save your daughter, who has been taken.
08:31Taken, yeah, but we were the ones who got taken, so are we and our daughters both taken?
08:36Yeah, it is a bit confusing, isn't it?
08:38Everyone says this, Warren. Everyone.
08:41We've literally not taken a single person who doesn't immediately say,
08:44this makes no sense, if you've seen the film Taken.
08:47Well, what's your solution, Craig?
08:49That we kidnap people's daughters so we can make the theme land?
08:52And just think, we need to work a little harder on the world-building.
08:58You've got three hours.
08:59Three hours?
09:00Your meat went for the deluxe package.
09:02Technically, it's cheaper, Malcolm.
09:04What?
09:08Erm, where do we start?
09:14Whoa, you're over it.
09:16I know, 48 hours ago, she would have been on a trolley near the needle bins.
09:19I can't have the baby today, it's my dad's birthday.
09:21Oh, I don't think there's much we can do about that.
09:24There aren't some stitches you can put in, some special glue?
09:26Baby comes when baby wants to come.
09:28OK.
09:31What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
09:34I bet it's something to do with the lightbulb.
09:37There's always a clue in the lightbulb.
09:39Argh! It's so fucking hot!
09:42Fuck!
09:44You fucking have a go, Malcolm.
09:46Fuck!
09:47I don't think it is to do with the lightbulb, you know.
09:53All right, listen, Malcolm, erm,
09:55there's, er, something I wanted to bring up.
09:58Something about Gemma.
10:01Yeah, what about Gemma?
10:03Well, you know, she's going to have this baby soon, isn't she?
10:07And, er, you know, she's going to need someone to take care of her.
10:09Yeah, well, I'm going to take care of her.
10:11Well, you're not going to be around forever, mate, OK?
10:13Erm, you know, someone with a good job,
10:16who you know,
10:18and idolise a little bit,
10:20and, you know, someone who you think of
10:23as a really sexy son.
10:25Which is why
10:27I would like your permission to ask Gemma
10:30to marry me.
10:33Aren't you still married to, like, someone else?
10:39I'm sorry, Derek.
10:42Oh!
10:44I am never having sex again if this is what happens!
10:46What a stupid, fucking stupid system!
10:48And stop breathing so loudly!
10:49Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
10:50Stop saying sorry! It's not your fault!
10:52No, I mean, I probably should apologise, though,
10:54for ghosting you, after Ben.
10:57I was ghosting you, buddy.
10:59I was ghosting you, buddy.
11:01I was ghosting the shit out of you.
11:07Cherry told me what happened.
11:09Have you heard from him at all?
11:11We're not talking about this now.
11:14Oh!
11:17Really glad you're here, though.
11:21Yeah?
11:23Are you going to get me a milkshake and a bag of crisps?
11:26Yeah.
11:31I've done it!
11:33Aw, poo!
11:35Look, it's another maths clue!
11:37Derek!
11:40Look!
11:45Baby's heart rate's a little fast,
11:47so we'll try giving you some more fluid.
11:49OK.
11:51MUSIC PLAYS
12:01Who the fuck are you?
12:03Er, Catherine gave me this number for emergencies.
12:05It's Gemma, her sister.
12:07Oh, 100 quid, five minutes!
12:09Oi, shit face, it's your sister!
12:11Gemma,
12:13I told you to only use this number
12:15if there's an emergency.
12:17You're going to have to send her 100 quid in cryptocurrency.
12:19For a five-minute call?
12:21Are you in hospital?
12:23Yeah. I'm in labour and I can't get through to Dad.
12:25Or even Mum.
12:27I mean, I really don't want to do this alone.
12:29There was something I wanted to discuss with you, actually.
12:31I'm literally having a baby,
12:33that's why I called you.
12:35Well, it's not coming out of your right this second, though, is it?
12:37I don't know.
12:39You're correct. Go on.
12:41Am I a bad person?
12:43Oh!
12:45I mean, I don't know. Maybe.
12:48Just with the trial coming up,
12:50I'm starting to wonder
12:52if I shouldn't have paid someone
12:54to push Gary off that fire escape.
12:56I think it might have been a bit selfish.
12:58I mean, it was a pretty
13:00terrible thing to do, Catherine!
13:02He's fine now, though.
13:04Really.
13:06He actually seems a lot happier since it happened.
13:08If you know it was bad
13:10and you're not going to do it again,
13:12then that's growth.
13:14Thanks, Gemma.
13:16Ah, shit. Screws.
13:18No, Kat, don't go!
13:20Kat!
13:22Fucking hell!
13:28God, mate.
13:32You can't ignore me all afternoon.
13:34I'll never get out of here.
13:36I'm not going to lie to you, Malcolm.
13:38This hasn't really gone as planned.
13:40I was going to ask
13:42your permission to marry Gemma, you'd say yes,
13:44we'd bosh our way through the escape room
13:46and then onto the pub for your birthday drinks
13:48and to toast me
13:50as your new son-in-law.
13:52I'm sorry, mate.
13:54But, you know, even if I'd said yes,
13:56I've got a feeling that Gemma,
13:58you know, shouldn't go for it.
14:00What do you think?
14:04Yeah, you're right. Screw her!
14:06Screw her.
14:08But also,
14:10she's the best thing in my life.
14:13And I love her very much.
14:17Whatever, mate.
14:19You're being really boring now.
14:21Come on, let's solve this motherfucker
14:23Derek style.
14:25Yeah!
14:27Check the files, it's always in the files!
14:31What are you doing? Fucking maths!
14:33Hey, look, I think I've got it!
14:35Stop wasting time!
14:37What? That was the...
14:39Let's go, come on!
14:41Why is it not in the files?
14:43It's supposed to be here!
14:45There you go.
14:47Fuck, this is too hard!
14:49It's impossible!
14:51What do we do now?
14:53I'll check the pillows.
14:55You keep fucking pedalling!
14:57Fuck, I can't find it!
14:59Malcolm, flip this!
15:05It's too hard!
15:07It's too hard!
15:09I don't feel well!
15:13Please!
15:15Please!
15:17Get us out!
15:19Oh, this is horrible!
15:21It's gonna get a fuck of a lot worse.
15:23Hey.
15:25What? She knows.
15:27That's right, babe. Suck it up.
15:29That really does take the edge off, doesn't it?
15:31Listen, I can't stay long.
15:33The kids are waiting in a taxi and I've got about
15:35eight minutes before one of them smashes a window, so...
15:37Honestly, it's fine.
15:39I think it's gonna be pretty plain sailing from here on out.
15:43I wonder what it's like to be really flat.
15:47You know, like when people get slid under doors
15:49because they're so flat.
15:53Like, when they're really flat
15:55and they slide under doors.
15:57God, I love Gas and Air.
15:59Give us a toke on that.
16:01No, Cherry, Cherry.
16:04Oh, it's so good.
16:10Jen, listen to me.
16:14Take all the drugs that you can.
16:16Even if you don't need them.
16:18Hospital-grade heroin is amazing.
16:22Sometimes I dream about getting into a little car accident
16:24just so I can have the bed rest and the morphine.
16:28Good luck, mate.
16:30Good luck, mate.
16:34Here, I'll get your lips around that.
16:40Don't you dare leave her side
16:42or I will break both your kneecaps.
16:46Let me know when she's at it.
16:50Cherry,
16:52you're flat.
16:54Slide under the door,
16:56but don't tell anyone.
16:58Phone's back, lads.
17:00Why'd you make it that hard?
17:02I don't think it is that hard, is it?
17:04Takes all the fun out of it, you make it that hard.
17:06Gemma's having a baby.
17:08My daughter's having a baby.
17:10Today? Rude.
17:12Yeah, she was calling a lot.
17:14At least she hasn't been taken, am I right?
17:16Take me to the hospital.
17:18Can you drive me to the hospital?
17:20We're not a taxi service, mate.
17:22Listen, you drive my best friend to the hospital
17:24or I will find you.
17:27And I will kill you.
17:29Jesus.
17:31Joke. But I will give you a scathing review, so...
17:33All right, you two.
17:35Follow me.
17:42I'll tidy up then, shall I?
17:50You can go if you want.
17:52Get some food.
17:54No.
17:56I grabbed a bit of dry toast
17:58that the midwife shouted at me for stealing,
18:00so I'm all good.
18:06Look.
18:08I'm not going anywhere.
18:10Unless you want me to leave.
18:12No, I want you here with me.
18:16God, I'd better look awful.
18:18No.
18:20I've never seen you look so beautiful.
18:22And you always look beautiful.
18:26Baby's heart rate hasn't settled, Gemma,
18:28so it's time to discuss other options.
18:36Oh, come on.
18:41I saw three of mine slide into this world.
18:44Absolutely fucking disgusting.
18:47I mean, really offensive.
18:49It's blood and shit just everywhere.
18:53She was screaming.
18:55I was screaming.
18:57The doctor was screaming.
18:59Ah!
19:01What the fuck is that?
19:07Out of ten,
19:09how would you rate your escape room experience?
19:11I just remember popping out for a walnut whip
19:13and when I came back,
19:15Davina was watching Neighbours with the baby.
19:18Both times.
19:20Too fucking hard out of ten.
19:22That's how I'd rate it.
19:28Go rescue your daughter.
19:30Stop saying the cool...
19:32Don't get the cool sign off line.
19:34Malcolm!
19:36I just...
19:38Just don't fuck it up, big guy, all right?
19:40Yeah, thank you.
19:42Yeah.
19:44Yeah, okay, thanks.
19:46Okay, social.
19:48Xander!
19:50Is she okay? I got messages.
19:52Gemma's being prepped for surgery.
19:54She needs a C-section.
19:56Only one birthing partner can go in.
19:58I'm the father.
20:00I'm Gemma's father. I'm not the baby's father.
20:02I'm just a friend.
20:04I mean, the father's not around, so...
20:06Which one of you is going in with her?
20:08Well, he's all dressed for it, isn't he?
20:10No, I think you should...
20:12Dad?
20:14Gemma?
20:16Gemma?
20:20Where have you been?
20:22Some men took my phone off me.
20:24Who did?
20:26It doesn't matter.
20:28So you'll feel a tugging sensation,
20:30but there won't be any pain.
20:32I promise.
20:34Oh, God, that's really weird and gross.
20:36Would you like me to talk you through what's happening?
20:38No.
20:40Talk to me about lip surgery.
20:42No. Talk to me about literally anything
20:44other than what's happening.
20:46Didn't you say you'd just had your floors done?
20:48Yeah, we had damp proofing and a concrete pour.
20:50God, that feels really weird.
20:52Tell me about the screed.
20:54This stool's a bit low, isn't it? Can it go any higher?
20:56Or I could stand up, couldn't I?
20:58Oh, shit, sorry. Should I touch that,
21:00or is it contaminated? I don't know.
21:02Dad, don't look over the curtain.
21:04What?
21:06Nearly there, Gemma.
21:08The surgeon's just cutting through the slab.
21:11You know what? I think that curtain should be higher.
21:13I'm going to write to someone about that.
21:15Unless there's, like, a suggestion box or something like that.
21:17You ready to meet your baby, Gemma?
21:19Should be good now.
21:21Here she is.
21:23She's a girl.
21:29Oh, my God, Gem.
21:31Oh, isn't she clever?
21:33You're so clever.
21:35She's gorgeous.
21:37You're such a clever girl.
21:39She's perfect, just like you.
21:41Isn't she clever?
21:45Congratulations, Gemma.
21:51Oh, she's gorgeous, Gem.
21:55There you go, Grandad.
21:57Oh, my God.
21:59Hello, little one.
22:01You're perfect.
22:05Look at you, little one.
22:07Gorgeous.
22:09I know I'm your grandad.
22:11Someone call the registrar.
22:13I can't stop the bleeding.
22:15What's happening?
22:17What's going on?
22:19I can't find the source of the bleeding.
22:21She's still bleeding.
22:23I'll just be outside. You're going to be all right, OK?
22:25You'll be all right.
22:27Dad!
22:29It's OK.
22:31Read.
22:33I can't see anything.
22:37Read.
22:55She's going to be OK.
22:57Hey.
22:59Isn't she?
23:01Hey.
23:07Gemma's fine.
23:09She lost a lot of blood, but she's fine.
23:11She's OK?
23:13She's in recovery.
23:15We'll bring her back soon.
23:29Do you hear that?
23:33We're going to be all right.
23:37Come on.
23:59Come on.
24:01Grandad's here.
24:03Come on.
24:06Look.
24:08Shh.
24:10All right, I've got her. You go back to sleep, babes.
24:16I've thought of a name.
24:18Of who?
24:20Sadie.
24:22Oh, Sadie. I love that.
24:24Hello, Sadie.
24:26Eh?
24:28You're a much nicer birthday present
24:30than being stuck in a storage unit
24:32with your Uncle Derek, aren't you?
24:34What the hell have you been doing today?
24:38I'll tell you later.
24:40There's a visitor for you, Gemma.
24:44Oh, could you tell them to come back tomorrow?
24:46She's been quite insistent.
24:52Mum?
24:56It's OK, Gemma, love.
24:58I'm here now.
25:00Do you hear that?
25:02Malcolm,
25:04what are you doing?
25:06Gemma doesn't want the baby
25:08catching something
25:10from your dirty, great warehouse house.
25:12No, I'm sorry.
25:14I'm sorry.
25:22Hiya, Mum.
25:26Hiya, sweetheart.
25:28Hiya, sweetheart.
25:58You
26:00You
26:02You