Daddy Issues - Season 01 Episode 05 - video Dailymotion

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Transcript

00:00You need to think very carefully about where you take your kids. The soft play in town,

00:17for example, it's absolutely disgusting. How disgusting? I once found a very small, very

00:22dead octopus in the ball pit. Jesus! Or this place, full of rich wankers and their rich

00:27wanker kids. Ha! Limp twat. Doesn't stand a chance against my two. Hey, you can't talk

00:33about someone else's child like that, even if they are dressed like a member of the Hitler

00:37youth. Excuse me, your children are throwing things at Bertie. Oh, poor Bertie. No, Bertie's

00:44my son. Oh. Now they've tripped him into eating Play-Doh. That is a criminal offence. I don't

00:51think it is, actually. So sod off back to Waitrose, yeah? Everything okay? Ben! Shit.

01:08You know her, Ben? Yep. We know each other through work. Yes, Gemma was involved in the

01:14takeover. I don't recall you being mentioned. What was your role? I was the getaway driver.

01:22Erm, Gemma was partnered with Sebastian Ford. You worked with Seb. That must have been so

01:30difficult for you. Oof, well let me tell you... Gemma, it has been so great to see you. Excuse

01:35me, please. Erm... Diana, what's happened? Yeah, it's great to see you too, Ben. It's

01:42been what, eight months? Holy shit. We should exchange contact details. No, we really don't

01:55have to. For God's sake, Ben. He's covered in juice. Again. Wait, it's your turn to clean

02:00up. Come on. Erm, can you just... One sec. Put that down. It's not your job. Erm, so...

02:14Is it mine? Yes. Congratulations. I finished in the sink. Look, please, please, just don't

02:23say anything to Allegra just for now. Like, I owe you money. I can PayPal you money right

02:27now. Piss off. Sorry, I just, erm... Yeah, it's a lot. Mm. Can I have your number? Fine.

02:39Mummy wants us to park by. If you think you can get the Defender up the driveway without

02:42hitting anything this time. Well, good luck with the baby and, erm, give our regards to

02:47Seb. Will do. Come on Bertie, this way. Can you open the door, please? Was kissing him

02:54like getting off with a giraffe? That's the first question you want to ask me?

03:00What have you got to do? Nothing. Ugh, God, he's a liar and a cheat. And judging by the

03:07size of that baby he was holding, Allegra was very pregnant when we met. Where did you meet him?

03:13In a toilet. Oh, romantic. I mean, there's no way I'll hear from him again.

03:18It's Ben. He says he wants to talk. Malcolm, what the fuck is this?

03:27We got those from the charity shop. The DVDs I used to watch with the girls when they were little.

03:32Ballycass Angel. Boring. Grey's Anatomy. Boring. Lovejoy. Fantastic. The Shining.

03:39Yeah, it's about a little boy, isn't it? Yeah, whose dad tries to murder him with an axe.

03:43Malcolm, you watch this with your kids? Yeah. Wednesday night, it was film night.

03:47Why don't you just dig out your actual DVDs? Davina gave them away to the cat shelter when

03:52she got rid of the house. You know, not for the cats to watch, obviously, because

03:56they just watch snooker, don't they? Wait, your ex-wife gave away all your stuff?

04:01Well, she left some of the girl stuff up in the loft. You know, baby photos and toys and

04:05stuff like that. I was supposed to go round and collect them, but I just, um, I couldn't.

04:10Dad, this box was outside the flat, which I guess means you haven't asked

04:14Barris to fix the intercom yet. Look, got these DVDs for the baby.

04:19No, my baby's not watching The Shining. That's why Catherine's so messed up.

04:24Oh, speak of the devil. I know you find aggressive women terrifying, but you need

04:29to go and visit her. Oh, not this again.

04:31Look, I don't like going either, but at least take her a Christmas present. A big Toblerone

04:36or something. Look, I got this for you. Well, for the little one.

04:39Will you stop buying random crap and just do the stuff I ask you to do?

04:43Uh, now, Gemma, I do think you're being a bit tough on Malcolm here.

04:48I'm just saying, you know, I know how hard it is being pregnant.

04:51Oh, you do, do you? Uh-huh.

04:54Is your bladder the size of a peanut? Does your pelvis feel like it's going to snap in half?

04:58Are your tits so swollen it's like two kettlebells are strapped to your chest?

05:01No, but I do remember what a massive bitch my wife was.

05:03Look at this. I got all this for a fiver off eBay. Look.

05:08Here, just once round in the washing machine and give him a bit of a scrub,

05:11they'll be fine. Oh, Dad.

05:14Just pop a whinny.

05:24Thank you for agreeing to meet me. I'm not going to tell her, by the way.

05:28That's very decent of you. I'm not trying to be decent.

05:32I just don't need the drama of blowing up someone else's life.

05:36So Allegra is your girlfriend? Wife.

05:39No ring?

05:41My grandfather was de-gloved aboard the Prince of Wales.

05:44De-gloved?

05:45De-gloved is when the ring is caught and the skin is sort of pulled off the flesh.

05:50It's a gristle and bone.

05:52Well, none of the men in my family wear one.

05:54It's kind of like a fun family tradition slash horrible obsession.

05:59Wow. I was going to ask if there were any hereditary illnesses I needed to know about,

06:03but I didn't expect to hear about fingers being torn off.

06:06Oh, it's not the whole fingers, just the skin.

06:08Oh, of course.

06:10So I thought you might like to see these,

06:11just to give you some sort of indication of what you're carrying.

06:14Such a weird way of putting it. Thank you.

06:18God, Bertie looks nothing like you.

06:20No, he's all Allegra.

06:23She has very strong genes.

06:27Whoa, big house.

06:30Yeah. What, too big?

06:31I mean, I once nearly starved to death playing a game of hide and seek.

06:34It took days to find me.

06:36Taxi.

06:38All right.

06:41Well, that was the best 45-pound bowl of pasta I've ever had.

06:44Oh, that's the least I can do.

06:46Yeah, considering the next 18 years are on me.

06:49Well, maybe I can send you some items to help.

06:53Clothes, pram, a nanny.

06:56It's a joke. It's technically people trafficking.

07:00Give me your phone.

07:01Sure. Sorry.

07:04My address?

07:06Inanimate objects only.

07:07OK.

07:08I'll let you know when the baby arrives.

07:10Yeah, that'd be great.

07:16You can keep the coat.

07:18Oh.

07:18Sorry, that was a joke. It's quite cold, yeah.

07:24See you.

07:25See you.

07:34Oh, how was the film?

07:36Yeah, better than I was expecting.

07:37Good.

07:39Dad, have you got any baby photos of me and Catherine?

07:41Oh, no.

07:43I didn't take much with me, you know,

07:44after I found your mum humping that guy

07:45who sold sponges door to door.

07:47OK.

07:48But I know where they are, though.

07:50They're up in the loft of the old house.

07:51I could pop around and get them.

07:52Just let me know if you need anything.

07:54I'll get them for you.

07:55OK.

07:55Thanks.

07:56Bye.

07:57Bye.

07:58Bye.

07:59Bye.

08:00Bye.

08:01Bye.

08:02Bye.

08:03Sure the people who've moved in won't mind.

08:05It's OK.

08:14What?

08:15Kenny Tugger, Malcolm Mossgrip.

08:17You bought this house from me.

08:18Well, not from me.

08:19No, from Davina, from my wife.

08:20I mean, you would have dealt with my wife, you see.

08:22Mum!

08:23Wait a minute.

08:24Oh.

08:26This one said he used to own the house.

08:28Yeah.

08:29I don't think my wife cleared out the loft

08:31before you moved in.

08:32I fucking know she didn't.

08:34People who sell houses and leave loads of shit

08:36in the loft are scum.

08:37You are scum.

08:40Yeah.

08:41I can go off and get some boxes.

08:43No, piss off!

08:44And get your fucking mail redirected.

08:58Oh, Jesus.

09:00Yes.

09:01Hey, what are you doing?

09:03Oh, come on.

09:04No, no.

09:05They just need a bit of elbow grease, don't they?

09:07They'll be as good as new.

09:09Dad, have you arranged a date to visit Catherine yet?

09:12It's not going to be as scary as you think it is.

09:14I'm not scared.

09:15I've seen my own daughter, Gemma.

09:21Hello?

09:24Dad?

09:25Oh, yeah, it's on my list.

09:27Sorry.

09:30Bye.

09:46I can't stop thinking about you.

09:50Did your wife forget to pack your umbrella?

10:01Dad?

10:02Hey, hey.

10:04Ta-da.

10:06Obviously, we'll sew it before we put the sprog in it.

10:08The staples are just for demonstration.

10:11Good, eh?

10:12Yeah.

10:13Um, Ben, this is my dad, Malcolm.

10:17Dad, this is Ben.

10:19He's the baby's father.

10:21Yes.

10:22Uh, so it's a pleasure to meet you, Malcolm.

10:25Yeah.

10:27Uh, would you like some kitchen roll for your hair?

10:33Uh, yeah.

10:35Yes, thank you.

10:36Yeah, well...

10:38Please just try and be a bit less weird.

10:40What do you mean?

10:42Kitchen roll for his hair.

10:44Well, it was wet.

10:45Isn't this a super absorbent?

10:46I can go if it's a bad time.

10:48No, no.

10:49Okay, good, because I'm quite cold.

10:51It's nice to finally meet one of your boyfriends, isn't it?

10:53He's not my boyfriend.

10:55I don't suppose you've got a spare jumper I could borrow, do you?

10:57Um, yeah, Dad'll have one.

10:59Yes, yes, I'll endeavour to find one.

11:02Great.

11:04Endeavour?

11:06It's good for him.

11:08Right, Liz?

11:09Oh, yeah, thanks.

11:10Cheers.

11:16Um, the nursery looks... looks lovely.

11:20Mm, yeah, my dad decorated it.

11:23He lives with me, by the way.

11:25Right.

11:27You probably gathered?

11:28Yes.

11:30It was great.

11:32Yeah, my mum left, and neither of us can afford...

11:47Here we go.

11:48Oh, no, well, keep going.

11:50Well, I'll just pop these on the bed.

11:53Good?

11:55Yeah.

11:55I made them myself yesterday.

11:58I mean, they've been in the fridge, but, um, I find that's more to my taste.

12:02Lovely.

12:03Thanks, Dad.

12:05Right, yeah.

12:09You should probably go.

12:11I should, but I really don't want to.

12:16Plus, fridge, spuds, my favourite food.

12:23Yeah, I mean, you can really taste the... the fridge.

12:29He sounds like a dick, eating your weird snack potatoes without comment.

12:33No, he was never so nice, actually.

12:35Shut up about Ben!

12:37We need to work out how to get into your old loft, okay?

12:44Two words. Home invasion.

12:48We smash in the front door of your old place.

12:50We tie up Agnes and Kenny, and we take...

12:56We take what's rightfully yours.

13:01Seems a bit extreme.

13:02I thought you'd pussy out of that one, Malc.

13:04All right, back-up plan.

13:05Have you still got your door key?

13:07Yeah, I couldn't bear to give it back, so...

13:12Oh, is that them?

13:13Yeah, the ones who bought your gaff.

13:15We let ourselves in while they're out.

13:17We grab the stuff from the loft without the tuggers even noticing.

13:21Yeah, hey, but there's... there's quite a bit of stuff, so...

13:24We're gonna need an extra pair of hands.

13:26If you say that fucking toilet, Ben, I'm out.

13:36So, uh, before we go to the pub,

13:38I thought you might like to see the house Gemma grew up in.

13:40Oh, yeah. I want to know everything about her.

13:42Oh, you heard of Malcolm?

13:45He's well up for helping with these boxes.

13:47Uh, what boxes?

13:49No, no, come on.

13:51I mean, yeah, he has some baggage,

13:53but with Ben, it's more like a shipping container

13:56that's got a wife, five kids and a chihuahua in it.

13:59Sorry, five kids?

14:00Yeah, the older three are at boarding school.

14:03Do you think he's got a thing for pregnant women?

14:06I'm not gonna go into details,

14:07but he's certainly not put off by it.

14:12Lovely roof.

14:12Shh, in you go.

14:14Sorry.

14:15In here.

14:17Why have you got torches?

14:18I mean, should I have a torch?

14:19Hey, you don't get a torch.

14:21Oh, that's where Gemma had her first little Wendy house.

14:25Oh, look, oh, good, that's where she lost her first tooth.

14:30Oh, that's a shame they've taken down the stone cladding.

14:33It took me ages to put that up.

14:35Tasteless arseholes.

14:36Man, fuck Kenny Tugger and his whore mother, Agnes.

14:39Um...

14:41Do other people live here now?

14:42The Tuggers?

14:44Did they know you're in their house?

14:45Of course not, duh.

14:47Otherwise they'd call the police, wouldn't they?

14:49Whoa, whoa, whoa, not so fast, matey.

14:50You're an accessory now.

14:51Oh my god, I'm part of the burglary.

14:53No, it'll be fine as long as we don't move or break anything.

14:56It's just...

14:57Oh, what did he fucking just say, you giant bandit?

14:59I'm sorry.

15:01Oh!

15:03Oh, shit.

15:05What did you do?

15:06I mean, did you pull it out or did you leave it in?

15:08A bit late for that conversation, eh, Malcolm?

15:10Shut up.

15:11I hope your DNA's not on a register somewhere.

15:13Okay, look, brace yourself, all right?

15:15After three.

15:16One, two...

15:17No!

15:19Okay, okay, you're bleeding, you're bleeding.

15:21Just hold it up.

15:22Go, you're bleeding.

15:25Don't bleed everywhere.

15:26Hold it, listen, let's be quick.

15:28Quick now, quick, come on, come on.

15:30Up the stairs, go get those boxes.

15:32Come on, up, up, up, up, up.

15:34Sorry, you can't have a relationship with him.

15:39You've got a family and a really shit dog.

15:42It's actually a very cute dog.

15:45And that's his choice to make, not mine and certainly not yours.

15:48What is he, like 10 years older than you?

15:50I just think it's a bit sordid, that's all.

15:5312.

15:54And it's the best offer I've had so far.

15:57Ah, cool.

15:58So you're happy to tear a family apart, are you?

16:02My God, I'm trying to build a family with the father of my child.

16:06I...

16:07I just didn't think that's who you were, that's all.

16:11Get the fuck out.

16:14Seriously, fuck off.

16:18Fine.

16:24Wow.

16:26What the hell was all that about?

16:28Oh, come on, babe, you must know.

16:32Fuck off.

16:32Oh, hey, look at this.

16:35Ow!

16:35It's just how I left it.

16:38Oh, God.

16:41My man corner.

16:44Oh, God.

16:46Ben.

16:47Come here.

16:47Let me give you a little bit of advice.

16:49Yeah.

16:50There's gonna be times when it all gets a bit too much,

16:53especially if you and Gemma go on and have more sprugs.

16:56More? I didn't think...

16:57Well, being a dad, it's amazing, but also fucking awful.

17:04Sometimes the misery just gets into your bones, you know,

17:06and when that happens, you're gonna need a little corner

17:10where you can take yourself off and just block it all out, you know?

17:14Right.

17:15A little space in the loft with a dog bed and just lie down and hide.

17:23Yeah, you better get off getting yourself a little man bucket with your man mess.

17:27Don't worry, I've emptied that before I moved out.

17:29What? Oh.

17:29I think, yeah.

17:32Oh, look, there he is.

17:35I put Mr. T up there to give me some inspiration.

17:40Fun fact about Mr. T, I thought he died of bowel cancer.

17:44How is that a fun fact?

17:45Do you want Mr. T to take the fucking off that?

17:48No.

17:51Shite.

17:52Pull her up.

17:53Quick, get her up.

17:55Help her get up.

17:55Come on.

18:01Okay, if they do come up,

18:03I've just found this extra strong piece of garden twine.

18:10Oh, hi, Gemma.

18:12Why are you whispering?

18:13We're stuck in the loft of the old house.

18:16Me, Derek and Ben.

18:18What?

18:19I tell you not to be weird and that's where you end up.

18:21Fuck's sake.

18:23I was trying to get some old photographs, but the Tuggers, they wouldn't let me in.

18:27The Tuggers?

18:28The massive a-holes who bought the house.

18:29Shh.

18:30But look, they've come home early and we're trapped.

18:33Wait, wait, slow down.

18:34So you, Derek and Ben are in the old loft and the new owners don't know you're up there?

18:38No, well, I don't think so, but Ben did bleed a lot in the front room, so who knows?

18:43What? Is he okay?

18:45Yeah, yeah, he's a big lad, isn't he?

18:46So he probably had more blood than most of us in the first place,

18:49so he can afford to lose a drop or two.

18:51Look, do you think we're in trouble?

18:54For breaking into someone's house, bleeding all over their carpets,

18:56and stealing things from their loft?

18:58Yeah, that's on the criminal side of things.

19:01Um, okay.

19:03Wait there, do not make a sound.

19:05I'm coming over.

19:06Oh, thanks, Gemma, thanks.

19:08She's coming round, she's coming round.

19:13Mr. T.

19:18Are you sure this is going to work?

19:20I hope so.

19:20I can't deal with Dad and Ben being in prison too.

19:26Make some labour noises then.

19:30Yeah, that's it.

19:31Oh my God, my friend's gone into labour.

19:33Why is she on my drive? That's trespassing.

19:36Because she's having a baby.

19:37Not my drive, she isn't.

19:38I don't want any of that muck on my drive.

19:41It'll attract the foxes.

19:42Hey, hey, hey, what's going on here?

19:44Silly bint's having a baby on our drive.

19:45I said to her, it'll bring the foxes out.

19:48Can he talk, you little rotter?

19:50Come on, lovely, let me get you inside.

19:52No, no, I've always wanted a gravel berth,

19:54so maybe you guys could stay outside instead?

19:56Do you want me to get the stretcher, Mum?

19:58Oh yeah, that's a good idea, go on.

20:00No, no, I can walk.

20:01Yeah, thank you.

20:02Oh, be careful.

20:08Oh, dear.

20:13Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

20:16you know what's supposed to be good for a panic attack?

20:18Breathing into a bag.

20:19Okay.

20:21Oh, God!

20:22Hey, what are you doing?

20:24Please, just let me go!

20:26Behave yourself, you fucking swindler!

20:33What the fuck has happened here?

20:36Stop it!

20:37We should just leave him here to die.

20:38Let him bleed out.

20:41What is your fucking problem?

20:42Jerry, you're my fucking problem.

20:44You're not good enough for her!

20:53Do you take PayPal, Kenny?

20:57£6,000.

20:59Yeah, and three stitches.

21:03Honestly, not the worst night out I've ever had.

21:05Plus, I got to know Malcolm better.

21:10He is odd.

21:13But lovely.

21:14Yeah, he is.

21:17I mean, I'd rather not be living with him,

21:19but he has been pretty great since.

21:22Well, so I made some calls.

21:26And there is a flat ready for you next month, if you want it.

21:31You can be settled by the time the baby's born.

21:33A flat?

21:35Yeah, you will...

21:36I wanted it to be like a surprise.

21:40You don't have to pay a penny.

21:41It's, you know, yours for as long as you want it, forever.

21:47Where will you live?

21:51I come there every other weekend.

21:58Is that a bad thing?

21:59Gemma, look, I'm not trying to be mean.

22:02Gemma, look, Allegra takes the kids to Switzerland for six weeks in the summer,

22:07so I'll be around loads then.

22:10You'll be sick of the sight of me.

22:13We can make it work.

22:15With me as your bit on the side?

22:17Oh, my God, I can't believe I've been so fucking stupid.

22:20No, no, no, no, what's stupid, Gemma,

22:22is you staying in this pokey flat with your Frankenstein baby clothes,

22:26an intercom that doesn't work, and your dad.

22:28Oh, so you think this, my life, isn't good enough for your baby?

22:32Well, no.

22:35Look, you don't have to do this alone, okay?

22:42I'm not alone.

22:44Gemma, I am offering you a way out, all right?

22:48Don't be a stupid bitch about it.

22:50Hey, you.

22:51Fucking hell.

22:53Don't talk to my daughter like that.

22:54Yeah, I'm sorry, Malcolm, I was a bit angry.

22:57No, I'd like you to leave now, thanks, Ben.

22:58Just leave, please.

22:59Alf!

22:59Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Ben, just...

23:00What is wrong with you people?

23:01Can you go, or I'll call Derek.

23:03Oh, no, on your way.

23:06Gemma, I care about you.

23:08Go on, come on.

23:10Out you go.

23:10I'm going.

23:11Yeah.

23:12Grab your coats, hang it up.

23:13Go on.

23:14My wife is horrible.

23:16Go on, on your way.

23:18Gem?

23:21Gem, you all right?

23:24It's all right, it's gone.

23:25He's gone.

23:26He's gone now.

23:28Yeah, you, um...

23:31You lost it, don't you?

23:33Go on, make us a cup of tea.

23:41I knew he was married.

23:43With kids.

23:45I still pretended it was going to work out.

23:48Well, it's probably for the best, isn't it?

23:50I mean, you know, he would have wanted to call the baby, um...

23:54Humphrey or something.

23:57Oh, hey, hey, we haven't looked at these, have we?

23:59Look, some photos, eh?

24:03Oh, and look what I found, eh?

24:05Your favourite.

24:07Dolly Wiggins.

24:09Dolly, Dolly, Dolly.

24:11Dolly belonged to Cat, Dad.

24:13Did she?

24:16All right.

24:18Cat.

24:23Come on.

24:24Come on.

24:26Come on, Malcolm.

24:27Be strong.

24:35I'm so sorry, Catherine.

24:38I failed you as a father.

24:40Oh my God, Dad, you're being so embarrassing.

24:43Can you forgive me?

24:44Yes, if you just shut up.

24:48Well, I'm sorry.

24:53I got you something.

24:55Guess who I found?

25:00Dolly Wiggins.

25:06That's amazing.

25:11Thanks, Dad.

25:12It's all right, my darling.

25:20There's nothing in here.

25:22Why the fuck would you bring this in if there's no drugs in its head?

25:26What the...

25:26Oh!

25:28God!

25:52So

25:59You

Daddy Issues - Season 01 Episode 05

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