Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em - 103 [couchtripper][U]
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00:00This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
00:05Frank? Frank? He's outside.
00:35He's opening the window.
00:39Frank, he's coming in.
00:42Then his teeth look different.
00:45The Prime Minister.
00:48The Prime Minister finished his speech two hours ago.
00:53That's Dracula, that is.
00:56He's just arrived at the girl's house.
00:58I like these old silent films.
01:01It's not a silent film.
01:05At least it wasn't when it started.
01:21Thank you very much. Now I can't even see it.
01:24I'll have a look.
01:26No, don't touch it!
01:27Don't do that.
01:28No, I'll just have to get the man up in the morning.
01:30Though heaven knows what he'll say.
01:32We've been blacklisted by three television companies already.
01:36Our whole set might be bended by now.
01:38How could it be? You only blew it up on Tuesday.
01:42They're still looking for half the parts.
01:45Frank, why don't you go to bed?
01:47You know you've got to be up early in the morning.
01:49There's always a queue at the labour exchange.
01:52I don't know why they couldn't keep me on at the post office.
01:55They're short of postmen.
01:57Did they ever find your mail sack?
02:00Yes.
02:03It was at the bus depot.
02:06They must have left it on the back seat of the 32.
02:09Frank, you know that postmen aren't supposed to deliver their letters by bus.
02:14My feet hurt.
02:16I've got athlete's foot.
02:18Well, they gave you a bicycle.
02:20It only had one pedal.
02:23You can't ride a bike with one pedal, can you?
02:26Frank, I spoke to the head postmaster personally.
02:29And he assured me that it definitely had two pedals when they gave it to you.
02:33I never had nothing.
02:34And a bell. And a front mudguard.
02:37And now they can't even find the bike.
02:49Oh. Oh.
02:51Oh, it's you. Is Betty there?
02:54Um...
02:56It's your mother.
02:58She's got a whopping great suitcase with her.
03:00Oh, let her in.
03:02Don't just leave her standing on the doorstep.
03:04Does she know what time it is?
03:06This doesn't matter.
03:07Betty.
03:08Oh, Betty.
03:09Oh, Mum, what's happened?
03:11It's your father.
03:13I just had to get away.
03:15Here.
03:16Oh, Mum, you haven't left him.
03:18He hasn't stopped complaining since he got back from his last trip.
03:21And he's brought a pet with him.
03:23A pet.
03:24A pet.
03:25He doesn't pay any attention to me.
03:28Tonight was the last straw.
03:30I said to him,
03:31from now on, you can take care of yourself and your python.
03:37Mum, I do know Dad can be a bit difficult,
03:39but you just can't leave him.
03:41You don't know what he's like.
03:43I'm just a slave to him.
03:45Day after day, waiting on him hand and foot.
03:48Week after week, month after month.
03:50Mum, he only comes home twice a year.
03:53My mother had a lot of worry with my father, too.
03:56Your father never came home at all.
03:59Oh, Mum, please.
04:01You don't understand.
04:03None of you don't understand.
04:05Oh.
04:07Oh.
04:08Oh.
04:09Oh.
04:10Oh, Frank.
04:11He's fainted.
04:12Yes.
04:13Look, get hold of her legs and put them up
04:15so that the blood rushes to her head.
04:19Let's go.
04:21No, she can't.
04:22She's got a dip in the middle.
04:24I'll put her legs up on this couch
04:26and you put her head on the floor.
04:28Oh, be careful.
04:29It's dropping off.
04:30Aye.
04:32It's all right.
04:33Her hat, Frank.
04:35Oh, no, look.
04:36We can't do it like this.
04:38Put her down.
04:39Oh, look at that.
04:41Put her legs down the bottom.
04:43That's it.
04:44Oh, dear.
04:47She had her hair in there.
04:51Mum, are you all right?
04:53It's all right, I'll look after you.
04:55Open the door, Frank.
04:59No, not the back door.
05:01Look, she'll have to stay here tonight.
05:03She can't go home like this.
05:06Where's your hat, Mum?
05:08Your hat, where is it?
05:10Oh, I'll put you to bed.
05:14It's got hole in it.
05:17Oh, my God.
05:20Oh, dear, Mum.
05:22Frank, put her on the bed.
05:24Lift her legs up.
05:26Oh, my stomach.
05:29Frank, I don't like the look of her at all.
05:32No.
05:34I think she'll have to sleep in here tonight.
05:37Well, where will I go?
05:38Well, you'll have to go in the spare room.
05:40We haven't got a spare room.
05:42Well, you'll have to go on the landing, then.
05:44Betty, Betty.
05:46Oh, I'm very worried about her.
05:50You know what she's like.
05:52She always pretends to be ill when she wants to get her own way.
05:55It's just an excuse to stay here.
05:57But I think we ought to call her doctor, Frank.
05:59She has Dr Smedley.
06:01Could you phone him?
06:02You know where the phone box is?
06:04Ah, it's out of order.
06:06Oh, it can't be. You only used it last night.
06:10You haven't.
06:11I'll call now, Betty. I'm pushed.
06:13Frank, never mind. It doesn't matter now.
06:15Look, you'll have to try the neighbours.
06:17Try Mr Faraday across the street.
06:19You know, the one who's just moved in.
06:21He's got a telephone, and he's a writer,
06:24so he's bound to be still at it.
06:31What?
06:33What?
06:34He's still at it. I don't want to intrude or anything.
06:38No, he won't be in bed.
06:40And he'd probably be grateful for someone to talk to.
06:44Hello, Peter?
06:45Yes?
06:46This is Mark. Mark Faraday.
06:47Oh, hello, Mark.
06:48Listen, Peter, I need your help.
06:50Well, anything I can do.
06:51There is something.
06:52I'm terribly stuck with the last script of the series.
06:55It's got a beginning and middle, but no end.
06:57Yes, I know the feeling.
06:58Look, could you pop round and have a chat about it?
07:01Of course.
07:02I'm sure you'll be able to come up with something.
07:04Are you at the new flat?
07:05Yes. It's 20 Wilton Avenue.
07:08OK, is it?
07:09Fine, except for one thing.
07:10What's that?
07:11Well, it's supposed to be a quiet neighbourhood,
07:13but there's this demented chap living across the street
07:16called Frank something or the other.
07:18And what's he done?
07:19Well, among other things, he blew up his television set.
07:22Well, that's not too bad, surely.
07:24It is if half of it comes through your window.
07:27Maybe that was his swan song.
07:29I hope so.
07:30I certainly don't want him around when I'm working.
07:32Oh, and Peter?
07:33Yes?
07:34Bring a bag or something with you,
07:35and then if we can't find the answer tonight,
07:38you can take these previous scripts home
07:40and look through them.
07:41OK, can do. I'll be right over. Bye-bye.
07:43Bye.
08:09LAUGHTER
08:33Who's there?
08:34Is there anyone there?
08:38Oh.
08:48Hello?
08:51Hello?
08:54Is anyone at home?
08:57Mr Faraday?
09:03Mm, nice.
09:04LAUGHTER
09:08Am I in?
09:15LAUGHTER
09:33Oh, my God.
09:34That's...
09:39What is it?
09:42Pencils and everything.
09:47Look at the water.
09:51There's nothing.
09:54Blasted kids.
09:58Oh, my God!
09:59Who the hell are you?
10:01Oh, I'm Frank.
10:03Frank Spencer.
10:05I need a doctor.
10:07You're Frank from across the...
10:09A doctor. Are you ill?
10:11No, it's my mother-in-law.
10:13She's not here as well, is she?
10:15No.
10:16She's in bed.
10:18I sat on her.
10:21I was trying to get her legs up in the air,
10:23so the blood would rush to her head.
10:26And it dropped off.
10:28LAUGHTER
10:31Can I use your telephone?
10:33Yes, yes.
10:34Oh, thank you.
10:38Oh, the number.
10:39Oh, I meant Smedley.
10:41S.
10:50You carry on working. Don't let me disturb you.
10:59LAUGHTER
11:04Three, four, five...
11:06Three, five, four, three...
11:10BELL RINGS
11:11LAUGHTER
11:15Five, four, three...
11:20Four, three...
11:24BELL RINGS
11:26BELL RINGS
11:28Dr Smedley here.
11:30Oh, this is Frank Spencer talking.
11:33Yes?
11:34Mm.
11:36My mother-in-law's had a nasty turn.
11:39I'm sorry about that. What do you want me to do?
11:42Well, could you come and see her?
11:45Yes, if it's absolutely essential.
11:47What exactly's wrong with her?
11:49She's collapsed.
11:51I see. Who is she?
11:53She's Betty's mother.
11:55LAUGHTER
11:56Who is Betty?
11:58She's my wife.
12:00What is your mother-in-law's name?
12:03Oh, Beryl.
12:05LAUGHTER
12:06Oh, Mrs Fisher.
12:08Mrs Fisher? Oh, yes, I know.
12:11Hemlock Road, isn't it?
12:13No.
12:14Oh, she's not Mrs Fisher of Hemlock Road.
12:18Yes, she is Mrs Fisher of Hemlock Road,
12:21but she's not there.
12:22Well, where is she?
12:24She's with us.
12:25I see.
12:26And where are you?
12:29Oh, er, 20 Wilton Avenue.
12:3220 Wilton Avenue.
12:33All right, I should be there in about ten minutes. Goodbye.
12:35Oh, thank you, Doctor.
12:37Goodbye.
12:39He's gone.
12:41Oh, well, I'll pay you for the call.
12:43No, no, no, please.
12:44I have to work. I have to.
12:46Ah.
12:47Well, thank you very much, Mr Faraday.
12:50Goodbye.
12:51Goodbye.
12:55LAUGHTER
13:03He's coming as soon as he can.
13:05Oh, good.
13:06Mum, Dr Smedley's on his way.
13:09Frank's just phoned.
13:10He knows our address, doesn't he, Frank?
13:14You did give him our address, didn't you?
13:18Well, he asked me where I was calling from.
13:23And I told him.
13:2520 Wilton Avenue.
13:27Yes, that's Mr Faraday's address.
13:29Didn't you give him ours?
13:33He never asked me.
13:36Typical.
13:37Frank, why do you do these things?
13:40Shall I phone him again?
13:41No, no, it's too late now. He'll have left, won't he?
13:44You'll just have to wait outside and stop him.
13:47All right.
13:48And, Frank, don't go disturbing Mr Faraday again.
13:51He's probably got a lot of writing to do.
13:54My script.
13:56Oh, God, where the hell's my script?
14:04Oh, excuse me.
14:06Are you looking for number 20?
14:0820, yes.
14:09Oh, well, you want 15.
14:11Number 15, over there.
14:13Look, I had a phone call.
14:15No, no, it's my fault. Can you come with me?
14:17I don't quite understand.
14:18We'd better hurry.
14:19Is Mark all right?
14:22They're just coming, Mum.
14:25Dr Smedley.
14:27Mark? Mark?
14:28You're not Dr Smedley.
14:30Osborne.
14:31Dr Osborne. Oh, couldn't Dr Smedley come?
14:33Are you going to examine her?
14:35Well, before I go any further, I really...
14:36No, no, not her. This one.
14:38Here.
14:39Look, shall I undress her?
14:41Ooh.
14:42Ooh.
14:43What for?
14:44Well, so you can look her over.
14:46No, will you wait outside?
14:48No, no, not you.
14:50Doctor.
14:51Doctor? I'm not a doctor, I'm a writer.
14:53Ah!
14:54Oh, Marty!
14:55Oh, Frank!
14:58Um...
15:04Stop pressing my bell!
15:06Oh, sorry.
15:07Who are you?
15:08Is this 20 Wilson Avenue?
15:09Yes.
15:10Where's your mother-in-law?
15:11Aberdeen.
15:12Aber...
15:13Oh, just what?
15:14For sending her to Scotland?
15:15For calling me out on false pretenses.
15:16I didn't call you.
15:17I was given your address on the telephone.
15:19Oh, no.
15:20Look, over there.
15:21Just go straight across, number 15.
15:23Are you quite sure about that?
15:25Do they need a doctor?
15:26Do they need a doctor?
15:37You're not going in there, are you?
15:38Yes.
15:39You fool.
15:40You fool.
15:46Doctor Smedley.
15:48Doctor Smedley.
15:49It's all right, Mrs Fisher.
15:51I'm here.
15:53I'd have been here sooner if some idiot hadn't sent me to the wrong house.
15:59Have you met my husband before?
16:01No.
16:04Chimneys.
16:05Cough?
16:07Chimneys.
16:10I advertised in a local paper and your wife wrote to me.
16:15F. Spencer Enterprises.
16:19Chimney Sweep.
16:22Oh, yes.
16:24You were my first customer.
16:26Did you get a second?
16:29I couldn't very well, could I?
16:31Not without my brush.
16:35Is it still stuck up there?
16:38It took three firemen to pull it down.
16:40The lounge was ruined.
16:42Look, I'm sorry about the disorder.
16:44But Mum has had a bit of an upset.
16:46I'll just straighten out the bed covers.
16:48No, I'll do it.
16:49No, leave it to me, Fred.
16:50Give me that.
16:51No, Mum.
16:54Oh, look at what you're doing.
16:56Oh, no.
16:57Oh, dear, Doctor.
16:58Give me that.
16:59Hands off that.
17:00It's sterilised.
17:01Mum, my hands are quite clean.
17:03Take your finger out.
17:07And don't touch that.
17:09Don't touch that.
17:19Say, are you all right?
17:21That was dreadful.
17:22I've got a splitting headache.
17:24May I have your poor thing?
17:26Take your hands off me.
17:28Did you want an aspirin?
17:29No.
17:30Get out of here.
17:31Just get out of here.
17:39Oh.
17:45So when he asked me in, I thought he must be a friend of yours.
17:48I didn't realise it was him.
17:50Then he dragged me upstairs and asked me to examine some old woman.
17:54It was like a nightmare.
17:56I found him crawling around under the desk.
17:58He'd rearranged everything.
17:59Everything he hadn't flooded.
18:01Now I can't find the damn script.
18:02Do you think he's taken it?
18:04No.
18:05Why should he?
18:06You don't think he's waging some sort of vendetta against you, do you?
18:09Why?
18:10In heaven's name, why?
18:12I've only been here a week and I met him for the first time tonight.
18:15Was another man outside when I left?
18:17That was the doctor.
18:18Are they having him certified?
18:20No.
18:21His mother-in-law?
18:22He sat on her.
18:23God.
18:24Do you think he'll go to bed now?
18:26He must sleep sometime.
18:37There's nothing wrong with her.
18:38She's just a bit depressed.
18:40Dropped that in at the chemist in the morning.
18:42It's only a tonic.
18:44She's not better in a couple of days.
18:46Give me another ring.
18:48Thank you for coming, Doctor.
18:50Can you see your way in the dark?
18:52Yes, thank you.
18:57He's sent.
18:58He's sent.
19:00I think I'll take the clock up to bed.
19:04Cos my watch has stopped.
19:07And I need the right time to get up in the morning.
19:09Aye.
19:10You do what you like, Frank.
19:12Just don't bother me, that's all.
19:14I mean it, Frank.
19:15I've had enough for one night.
19:17What with the television set and my mother and the wrong doctor
19:20and the telephone calls.
19:22I can't take any more, Frank.
19:24I've had harassment before.
19:26I can't take any more, Frank.
19:28I've had harassments too, you know.
19:31Frank, just you don't disturb me again tonight.
19:52One of us.
19:57On the main.
20:03Or was I?
20:06These crisp papers.
20:17Mum?
20:18Did you hear Frank come up, then?
20:20Frank?
20:21Frank?
20:22Yes.
20:23I'm sick today.
20:25I'm sick to death of that name.
20:27Haven't you had enough of him for one night?
20:29We've had a bit of a row.
20:32I think I'll just pop along and talk to him and...
20:35Oh, I see.
20:37Oh, I'm very worried about him, Mum.
20:40He just doesn't seem to know what he's doing.
20:45He never knows what he's doing.
20:47And when he's done it, he doesn't know why he's done it.
20:51And nobody else knows why he's done it.
20:53But he still goes on doing it.
20:58Frank?
21:00I'm very sorry that I shouted at you.
21:07He's not talking to me any more.
21:09Count your blessings.
21:12I think I'll go down and get an aspirin.
21:23Oh.
21:27Door.
21:31Lights.
21:34Every night the same.
21:44He's not come again.
21:45I've had enough interruptions for one night.
21:47It might be somebody else.
21:48It is him.
21:49He's got that bell stuck again.
21:51He did it before.
21:53BELL RINGS
22:00Peter.
22:01He's brought the script back.
22:06Jolly good.
22:08I'm ever so sorry.
22:10I don't know how it happened.
22:15Oh, good night.
22:16Good night.
22:17Good night.
22:26Oh.
22:27Do you have the right time?
22:3112.28.
22:35I'm a couple of minutes fast.
22:39Why...
22:40Why are you carrying a clock?
22:44My watch has stopped.
22:47I see.
22:50Good night, then.
22:54Good night.
23:08I told you he was mad.
23:17Fuck.
23:47Why don't you ring for the police?
23:49Talk sense.
23:50What can I say?
23:51Frank's at large.
23:52Send for reinforcements.
23:54He must be breaking some law.
23:55He did steal your script.
23:56He's brought the damn thing back again, hasn't he?
23:58What about carrying an offensive weapon?
24:00Has he got an offensive weapon?
24:02That clock could do some damage.
24:05He's got that bloody thing jammed again.
24:08He's got that bloody thing jammed again.
24:10He's got that bloody thing jammed again.
24:12He's got that bloody thing jammed again.
24:14He's got that bloody thing jammed again.
24:16He's always going to get jammed.
24:18Damn him! Damn him!
24:19Now, careful, Mark.
24:20Don't let him break you.
24:22Blasted noise!
24:23Why does he have to keep torturing me?
24:25Why? Why?
24:26Easy, Mark. Take it easy. I'll go.
24:36Oh.
24:37Yes?
24:41Mark?
24:43Mark, have you got a ladder?
24:44He's not on the roof, is he?
24:48I can't get in.
24:49Can't get in?
24:50Can't get in what?
24:51His house. His wife's locked him out.
24:53Locked him out?
24:54You can't blame her.
24:55He ought to be locked up!
24:57Mark, don't get excited.
24:59Excited?
25:00Who's excited?
25:01I'm not excited. Why should I be excited?
25:04Couldn't you just knock on the door?
25:06I don't like to.
25:09I don't want to wake her up.
25:11Why not?
25:12Why not?
25:13You've woken everyone else up.
25:14Those you haven't blown up!
25:18She's a bit upset, see.
25:21Cos her mother's there.
25:23And we've had a bit of trouble.
25:26About her husband's python.
25:33It was the same when he had his monkeys in the greenhouse.
25:37I don't know what they used to get up to in there.
25:41But we never had a single cucumber.
25:52And all my tomatoes went blue.
26:00So can I borrow your ladder?
26:03He only wants a ladder, Mark.
26:05Have you got one?
26:07Yes.
26:08Yes.
26:09Well, can I borrow it?
26:11Sure.
26:12Why not?
26:14Why bother to do any work when you can lend people ladders?
26:19Who wants to write bloody scripts anyway?
26:22Who wants to write bloody scripts anyway?
26:34He's been working very hard.
26:37I think he's a bit tired.
26:40Mark, if you tell me where it is, I'll get it for him.
26:44Oh, no you don't.
26:45It's my ladder, and I'm going to keep my eye on it.
26:49He's already taken my script.
26:51He's not having my ladder.
26:54Snakes and ladders.
27:03Shh.
27:04The noise might get him.
27:13My ladder.
27:16He nearly has my window.
27:21Is that your room?
27:23No, no, that's the landing.
27:25It's the only window that's open.
27:28Hey, don't take the ladder away until I'm inside, will you?
27:33Oh, God.
27:34Don't tempt me.
27:39Control to Charlie One.
27:42Charlie One.
27:43Proceed to 15 Wilton Crescent.
27:4515 Wilton Crescent. Neighbours report attempted break-in.
27:48This is Charlie One. Roger and out.
27:5015?
27:51Yeah, wasn't that where we were?
27:52Yeah, Tuesday night.
27:53Bomb explosion report. Someone blew up his television set.
27:56Who blew up a television set?
27:58Well, when you get there, you can ask him, can't you?
28:02What's he doing now?
28:04He's got his plot caught in his trousers.
28:09He tried to kill me.
28:12No, it was an accident.
28:17What's going on here, then?
28:20Right, knock it off, now.
28:21And you, come down out of there.
28:24Take your hands off me! I'm a big name in the film industry.
28:27On location, are you, sir?
28:29You don't understand it!
28:33If you stand for the break-in, he's going to fall!
28:41Frank! What are you doing up that tree?
28:45I didn't want to disturb you.
28:48Frank, will you calm down?
28:50I didn't!
28:51No more, because I've got me rash.
28:53Come on, now, please.
28:55Up, up you go.
28:57Come on, come on.
28:58I've got me rash.
29:00Go into bed, now, Frank.
29:02My leg is stuck up there.
29:04Is this the role of the police?
29:08That's what I'm trying to do.
29:10Come on, get out of here.
29:12Frank!
29:42What's the matter with you?