Spread (2024) full movie

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To make ends meet, an aspiring journalist is forced to take a job at the world's largest porn magazine-beginning her journey to change her life, and the porn industry, forever.
Transcript
00:00:00You and me, we're not the same I am a sinner, you are a saint
00:00:27When we get to the barley gate You'll get the green light, I'll get the old boy in the face
00:00:38Beautiful, I'm a loser, hey display I found love in the strangest place
00:00:48Tied up and branded, locked in a cage I say I'm gonna stay, it's a great escape
00:00:57Let loose your love on me, got to be faithful, got to play
00:01:03Beautiful, I'm a loser, hey display
00:01:07Okay. You know what to do. Just smile, nod, and keep your mouth shut. That's it. Just keep your mouth shut.
00:01:16Don't say anything. Unless you have a really good idea. And then...
00:01:22No, no, no, no, fuck you. Don't talk. Keep your mouth shut. Nod, smile, and be chill. Be chill and blend in. Okay?
00:01:30You've got this. This is your day.
00:01:33You good?
00:01:35So good.
00:01:37Wanna grab a coffee on our way to work?
00:01:39Fuck yeah.
00:01:41Fuck yeah.
00:01:44No, listen. Whitney, they want me to sit in on the meeting. Honestly, I think they're gonna promote me.
00:01:52Already? But you've only been there a week.
00:01:55It's such a great company, and everybody there loves me.
00:01:58Aren't you an intern?
00:02:00Yes, but I'm a paid intern, okay? Not a regular intern. It's very different.
00:02:03That's great, but I'm just worried you're getting ahead of yourself. Again.
00:02:07No, no, no, no, no. This time feels different, okay? And I'll have rent money for you by Friday.
00:02:13Or, you know, if not this Friday, then next Friday.
00:02:16I guess the 15th is the new first.
00:02:18You're such a good friend. Really. And very soon, you won't have to cover me anymore.
00:02:23Honestly, that's a huge relief. My preschool teacher salary is more of an allowance as opposed to a...
00:02:29Aren't you gonna be late for work?
00:02:31Shit, fuck yes.
00:02:33Not to, you know, be so, you know. Yeah, I know.
00:02:38Hey, how's the hat? Bold. Perfect.
00:02:54This is going to be a fantastic partnership.
00:02:57So Uber, acquiring our assets, is gonna allow our print division to expand.
00:03:04Jesus Christ.
00:03:06Sorry, did you have something to say?
00:03:08Me?
00:03:10Yeah.
00:03:11Uh...
00:03:14Yeah. Yeah, fuck it.
00:03:16Listen, we're an independent magazine, unobstructed by the agendas of major corporations.
00:03:22Uber is one of the biggest abusers of human rights in the world.
00:03:26And they value shareholder profits over ethics and journalistic integrity.
00:03:31So, to partner with a company like that, sir, would be absolutely disgusting.
00:03:37And honestly, fucking ridiculous.
00:03:43Thank you for your honesty.
00:03:45Sure.
00:04:02Really? Again?
00:04:04Wasn't my fault this time.
00:04:06Orson's in there.
00:04:12Oh my God!
00:04:13Oh, fuck! Ruby, what the fuck?
00:04:16Me, what the fuck? You, what the fuck?
00:04:18I'm at work and you're here sitting on my bed, on my laptop, jerking off to some fake lesbians?
00:04:23They're real lesbians.
00:04:25Couldn't you have just waited until I got home? I mean, it's not like we don't bone all the goddamn time.
00:04:29I even have a Costco membership just for the condoms.
00:04:32You also like the samples.
00:04:33No, you like the samples.
00:04:34Whatever, Ruby. Sometimes guys just need to do their own thing, okay? We're visual creatures.
00:04:39Well, so are women. I mean, I'm a visual creature.
00:04:42You never want to watch porn.
00:04:43Well, I'm sorry. I'm not super into watching female sexuality exist for the sole purpose of pleasing a man.
00:04:49There's other types. There's fake taxi driver, fake bus driver.
00:04:53What?
00:04:54There's stepsister, there's stepcousin.
00:04:56Girl on granny.
00:04:57Orson, you need to get a real job.
00:04:59I have a real job.
00:05:01Indie filmmaker is not a real job.
00:05:03Try telling that to Steven Soderbergh.
00:05:05Who?
00:05:06Traffic. Contagion. Ocean's 12.
00:05:09Is this because I wouldn't do anal with you?
00:05:10What? No.
00:05:11Because you know I would. I told you I would. It's just that I have that nightmare.
00:05:14Yes, I know. I know. It was stuck in you.
00:05:17It's a thing that can happen. It's happened to people I know.
00:05:20Not about the anal, Ruby. God, you're just so closed-minded.
00:05:23I once did blow off Francis McDormand's tits.
00:05:27That waitress from Applebee's?
00:05:29It was Francis.
00:05:30Look, when it comes to sex, you're a little uptight.
00:05:32You are.
00:05:33You know that when we do it, you count until it's over?
00:05:36Well, I stopped counting out loud.
00:05:38Do you even hear yourself?
00:05:40Sorry, Ruby, but you're just not fun.
00:05:44I'm not fun?
00:05:46Nah.
00:05:50Ow! What the fuck? My moby!
00:05:52Please, everybody knows that it's fake.
00:05:54Give me those fucking expenses!
00:05:56Have fun with your fake ponytail and your fake lesbians and your butt sex.
00:06:01They are real les...
00:06:04Ruby?
00:06:05What?
00:06:08Shit.
00:06:10Uh, Mom, Dad, hi. What are you doing here?
00:06:14And together. I haven't seen you guys in the same room since the divorce.
00:06:17How about the four of us go grab a bite to eat?
00:06:19Oh, no. Who has cancer?
00:06:21I just have a question about the lesbians.
00:06:23No one's dying unless I finally murder your father.
00:06:25Still have a question.
00:06:39Like I said, that was good.
00:06:40Yes. Very.
00:06:41Yeah.
00:06:42It was really good.
00:06:44Okay, I can't take it anymore. Just tell me what's going on.
00:06:48Your dad and I have decided to stop giving you money.
00:06:50No. No. But I just got fired. I can't...
00:06:53You lost your job and your boyfriend all in one day? That's gotta be some kind of record.
00:06:56Thanks, Dad.
00:06:57I'm just saying, you were a little hard on your boyfriend.
00:06:59I mean, not crazy about the ponytail, but he did make some solid points.
00:07:03The door was a little bit wide open.
00:07:05You know, Ruby, porn's not that bad.
00:07:08You gotta understand something about guys' minds.
00:07:11We like boobies. Wanna see them.
00:07:12Dad.
00:07:13Ron.
00:07:14I'm just being honest. It's nature.
00:07:16I just don't wanna see you single forever.
00:07:18You've gotten very close-minded.
00:07:19Close-minded? Did you not hear me say that I once snorted blow off...
00:07:24Yes, I did hear that.
00:07:25The waitress from Applebee's?
00:07:26She wasn't a waitress.
00:07:27Ron, don't you need to use the restroom?
00:07:29No, I did before I came.
00:07:31Oh. Oh. Yeah, I do.
00:07:35Your father and I are very worried about you.
00:07:37I don't like to hear about you doing cocaine.
00:07:39You know, drugs will age you faster than suntans.
00:07:42I know. I know. But it was just that one time, Mom, so...
00:07:45That night was so crazy, though.
00:07:46It was. The one and only time I did cocaine. That was funny. The one and only time.
00:07:49Sweetie, it's time to start being more responsible.
00:07:53You have to think about your future, and you need to get a job.
00:07:56And, you know, keep it.
00:07:58I know. I know. But I really am trying, Mom.
00:08:01Good. So, where are you trying next?
00:08:05Well, I mean, I would love to work for a place like the Sophisticate.
00:08:09That has to be one of the biggest publications in the world.
00:08:12The problem is I, unfortunately, have no marketable skills and basically zero resume.
00:08:17That's not true. You were junior class president, and you were published.
00:08:21When I was 17.
00:08:22Yeah, but that has to account for something.
00:08:24It doesn't. She's right. It doesn't.
00:08:26Tampons. You're 25 cents in there if you want to stock up.
00:08:29Were you in the women's room, Ron?
00:08:32No, it's a bi-bathroom.
00:08:34Uh, Pam, fluid.
00:08:36I got a little something for you ladies.
00:08:38Oh, no, Dad. No, no, no, no, no.
00:08:40Oh, God.
00:08:41It's all right. Just a little present. Are you all right?
00:08:43Thanks, Ron.
00:08:44Sure. Are you? Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:08:45No.
00:08:46I forgot. Yeah. So, you can.
00:08:47What?
00:08:48Oh, no, no. I was thinking about something else. Looks weird.
00:08:51Check, please.
00:08:57Hi, I'm looking for a job.
00:09:05Hi, there. I'm looking for a job.
00:09:10No, I've never worked at a pizzeria, so I thought, give them a call.
00:09:15No, I, uh, I don't.
00:09:26Hi, there. I'm looking for a job.
00:09:28Are you sure you're 12? Because you play like you're fucking six.
00:09:32Hi, I'm looking for a job.
00:09:33I would stay away from your windows if I were you because I am going to swat you.
00:09:37Any job. I don't care.
00:09:38No, I don't care.
00:09:40I'm going to find out where you live. I'm going to come to your house.
00:09:43I'm going to fuck your dad and give him a child he's actually proud of.
00:09:49Fucking pubes wonder.
00:09:51Fuck you!
00:10:02Hello?
00:10:07In an hour?
00:10:11Yeah, yeah.
00:10:13Absolutely. I'll be there.
00:10:15Okay.
00:10:26There's nothing on the back.
00:10:29See that.
00:10:31Well, it looks a bit you don't take your future very seriously.
00:10:35What? Why would you say that?
00:10:36You have no real work experience worth mentioning.
00:10:39Well, for six months I worked...
00:10:41Like I said, none worth mentioning.
00:10:44Well, I've been published.
00:10:46Yes, I see that.
00:10:47Okay, well, I have a ton of life experience.
00:10:49Sounds like a very nice way of saying that you're poor.
00:10:52Yeah, I am pretty poor.
00:10:54Okay.
00:11:02Hmm.
00:11:04Okay.
00:11:06Are you one of these open-minded girls?
00:11:08Definitely.
00:11:09Well, I don't know how this is possible, but I have a job for you.
00:11:12Really? That's amazing. That's great. What is it?
00:11:15The last hemp that I sent there got shot.
00:11:18Where?
00:11:19In the head.
00:11:21Oh my God.
00:11:23I'm sorry, what company is this for?
00:11:24Doesn't really matter.
00:11:26Alright, I have sent you the address.
00:11:30You are already late, so you need to go.
00:11:33Go? Like, go now?
00:11:35Yes, now. Go!
00:11:36Come on, go! Up! Go!
00:11:38Okay, good luck!
00:11:58How's it going?
00:12:03Okay.
00:12:20No, no, no, no, no.
00:12:34You didn't tell me it was for porn.
00:12:36You said you were one of these open-minded girls.
00:12:38Well, I am. Ish.
00:12:40Listen, if you are going to be difficult about assignments, then we cannot work together.
00:12:46Besides, it is a publishing house. You should be thanking me.
00:12:49It's just one day?
00:12:50Yeah, it's just one day. Okay, I gotta run. Very busy.
00:13:03Oh, yay! You're back. Welcome!
00:13:07You must be the new temp, I can tell.
00:13:09That's me.
00:13:11Any problems being around dildos?
00:13:14No, I'm around them all the time.
00:13:17Great.
00:13:18Oh my God.
00:13:20These returns? Or are they props?
00:13:22So gross.
00:13:34No. No.
00:13:40Baby Jesus?
00:13:52What the fuck is this?
00:13:54Sizemore.
00:13:57Troubles at home?
00:13:59Or are you just perusing the articles?
00:14:02Did you get the steaks? Japanese.
00:14:05They pound the fuck out of them for weeks.
00:14:08I prefer fish.
00:14:12How about a bourbon?
00:14:15I prefer fish.
00:14:18I prefer fish.
00:14:20I prefer fish.
00:14:21How about a bourbon?
00:14:23That shit's older than me.
00:14:25You know what today is?
00:14:27Wednesday?
00:14:28It's six months from when we last had this conversation.
00:14:36It's a stress pool.
00:14:38For stress.
00:14:40Seems to be a lot of that going on around here.
00:14:43It's ironic.
00:14:45You know, because this place normally helps relieve...
00:14:47Never mind.
00:14:50Yeah, I get it.
00:14:52Look, Spread's been around longer than you've been alive.
00:14:56We've survived stock market crashes.
00:14:59The evangelicals.
00:15:01Seventeen bomb threats.
00:15:03And Reagan.
00:15:04And yet here we are.
00:15:06Burning money.
00:15:08I need a good reason to keep this financial disaster going.
00:15:11Fuck that.
00:15:13Spread is a legacy.
00:15:14Fuck that.
00:15:15Spread is a legacy.
00:15:17Do you have any idea how many pimply-faced kids were jerking off Time Magazine
00:15:23while I was creating an empire?
00:15:25I was one of them.
00:15:26Ah.
00:15:27And that is the only reason that we are sitting here talking.
00:15:31Have you ever heard of Atistupa?
00:15:33What, is this a quiz?
00:15:35It was a Viking tradition.
00:15:37When a person became a burden on their community,
00:15:40well, they would relinquish themselves.
00:15:42And when they didn't do it voluntarily well, they were pushed off a cliff.
00:15:46It was a kindness, really.
00:15:48That way they didn't have to suffer the indignity of being a drain on everyone.
00:15:52While everything they ever worked for
00:15:56was stripped away from them.
00:16:01Give me a Tila Lua.
00:16:05What is that, the shitty costume party I have to pay for?
00:16:09Seems like you could use a lei.
00:16:11Okay, until the luau.
00:16:13And you know what?
00:16:14If your numbers are up by then, and I mean way, way the fuck up,
00:16:20then maybe you'll get to have another one next year.
00:16:24And if not?
00:16:30I'm not jumping off the cliff.
00:16:36I know.
00:16:38Sometimes
00:16:40people need a little push.
00:16:59Come on.
00:17:05You know there's a green room for talent.
00:17:10Talent?
00:17:11For the actress.
00:17:12You think I'm a porn star?
00:17:13No, no, no, definitely not a star.
00:17:15Well, why? Because you don't recognize me?
00:17:17Well, that and because you don't have the body for it.
00:17:19Wow, okay. Thank you.
00:17:21It wasn't a compliment.
00:17:22Yeah, I know. I'm Ruby. I'm the temp.
00:17:24Oh, uh, tough times, huh?
00:17:26No, you're so wrong.
00:17:28In fact, things have never been better for me.
00:17:30Yeah, I'm actually starting a really big job tomorrow, so.
00:17:33Oh, really? Where?
00:17:34Where?
00:17:36Oh, it's at a little place that you may or may not have heard of
00:17:39called The Sophisticate.
00:17:43Never heard of it.
00:17:44Okay, well, you're literally the only one.
00:17:46What do you do here?
00:17:47I'm the art director.
00:17:49That's amazing. Art.
00:17:51Cute.
00:17:52Hope your big Sophisticate job over there feeds you,
00:17:55because this isn't a good look.
00:18:04Thank you.
00:18:10You're not from around here.
00:18:13No. No, I'm not.
00:18:15I'm Ruby. I'm just the temp for today.
00:18:17Who are you?
00:18:18Hank.
00:18:20And what do you do here, Hank?
00:18:22I'm the editor of the Pussy Quest page.
00:18:25Real women send me photos of their vaginas every week,
00:18:28and I pick a winner.
00:18:30Winner gets cash and their pussy on the site.
00:18:34Neat.
00:18:42Oh, you scared me.
00:18:43Hi.
00:18:45I'm Ruby. I'm the temp.
00:18:47And, um, but I'm a diabetic,
00:18:50which is why I took so many snacks.
00:18:52It's not just because I'm poor and have no money.
00:18:54You look like an angel.
00:18:58Oh, well, I assure you I'm not.
00:19:01What's your name?
00:19:02What's your name?
00:19:03Oh, Nelson.
00:19:05Your hair is so slippery looking.
00:19:09Like greasy?
00:19:10Like a baby doll.
00:19:12Oh, well, thank you.
00:19:15You're very welcome.
00:19:24Oh, my God.
00:19:33Who are you?
00:19:35Prudence!
00:19:37Why is there a girl here?
00:19:39I'm Ruby. I'm the temp.
00:19:41You're a temp. Okay.
00:19:43Won't bother memorizing your name, then.
00:19:45Really? It's just two syllables. Ruby.
00:19:47You'll be reporting to me.
00:19:49Basically your supervisor, so take my coffee black.
00:19:52Oh, unfortunately, I was told to do a dildo inventory.
00:19:55I'm basically the unofficial official features editor here.
00:19:58Do you have a name, or is it just unofficial official?
00:20:01You talk too much. Okay?
00:20:03My name is Leslie, but you can refer to me as Mr. McDumack.
00:20:05Oh, Leslie. Leslie like the girl's name Leslie?
00:20:08You are just so ignorant, aren't you?
00:20:11Am I?
00:20:12Yeah. Before you embarrass yourself any further,
00:20:14you should know that Leslie is actually a Scottish surname.
00:20:16Wow.
00:20:17And up until the 1940s, it was most commonly a man's name.
00:20:19Oh, wow. Such a great story.
00:20:20So it's an old man's name, then.
00:20:22I don't like you.
00:20:23Well, lucky for you, you won't have to see me after today.
00:20:26Good.
00:20:27This feature goes live tomorrow.
00:20:28Check all the grammar.
00:20:29If there's any errors, it's on you.
00:20:30Hey, hey, hey. Unofficial official.
00:20:32Mr. McDumack.
00:20:33Okay, cool. Whatever.
00:20:35Is Spread just a porno site and magazine?
00:20:37Excuse me?
00:20:38No. Spread is the longest-running pornography website magazine.
00:20:41Do people even read magazines anymore?
00:20:44Do you guys have an app?
00:20:45I feel like everybody watches porn on their phone.
00:20:47I mean, I would watch porn on my phone if I watched porn.
00:20:50Yeah, because that's what people want,
00:20:51a porno app on their phone when they're showing pictures
00:20:53of their family vacation to their coworkers.
00:20:55Well, obviously, it shouldn't look like a porno app.
00:20:57It should look like a navigation app or something
00:20:59and be password-protected.
00:21:01Are you guys on social media?
00:21:02How's your TikTok?
00:21:04Instagram?
00:21:05Twitter?
00:21:07Yikes.
00:21:08I just feel like an app and some good social media presence
00:21:11could really turn this place around.
00:21:13Listen, Temp, K, whatever your name is.
00:21:16Ruby.
00:21:17You're being pretty disrespectful to me right now,
00:21:19and if Mr. Ferretti heard you, it wouldn't go over so well.
00:21:22Mr. Ferretti did hear you.
00:21:23I'm really sorry you had to hear that, sir.
00:21:25I was actually just going to fire her, so...
00:21:27Dry cleaning, post office, and a car wash.
00:21:30And no GameStop field trips.
00:21:32I know what the odometer reads.
00:21:34Sir, it's Pizza Taco Day.
00:21:36Sir, I'm so sorry if I offended you.
00:21:38I really have no idea what I'm talking about.
00:21:40It's true, sir. She doesn't know anything.
00:21:41You sound like you do, so go ahead and do it.
00:21:44Do what?
00:21:45Make spread an app.
00:21:46What?
00:21:47Oh, no, no, sir.
00:21:48I'm just here for the one day,
00:21:50and I don't really have a tech background to do that.
00:21:52Well, then you're just going to have to work here for more than a day.
00:21:55Nelson will help with the tech.
00:21:57Put together a pitch, you have a week.
00:21:59Uh, sir, I just really think if anybody should be making the app,
00:22:03it should be me, you know, not some girl temp.
00:22:06Then who will do my errands?
00:22:10Chop-chop.
00:22:11Chop-chop.
00:22:33Yeah, I get it, but no.
00:22:35No way. I can't work there.
00:22:37I'm a feminist.
00:22:38What does being a feminist have to do with it?
00:22:40Well, I don't know, because, you know, spread is disgusting.
00:22:43Uh-huh.
00:22:44It's a bunch of women being dominated and degraded by men.
00:22:48It's horrible.
00:22:49I look at spread sometimes.
00:22:50I'm sorry, what?
00:22:52Yeah.
00:22:53I mean, it's not the best form,
00:22:54but what kind of psychopath spends time looking for the best form?
00:22:57Wow. Okay.
00:22:58You need experience on your resume.
00:23:00I do, but I'm not sure how many doors Chief Dildo Organizer will open.
00:23:04Start with the app.
00:23:05I don't know how to make an app.
00:23:07Just research and delegate, like when you were class president.
00:23:10No, no, I don't want to research porn,
00:23:12and I definitely don't want to encourage other people to watch it.
00:23:14You know, everyone with a phone has access to porn.
00:23:17You can't stop people from watching it,
00:23:19but you can make the porn that you want to watch
00:23:22change the porn industry from the inside out.
00:23:24Now, that's feminist.
00:23:26This is coming from the preschool teacher.
00:23:28I also can't afford to cover your rent.
00:23:30Oh. Okay. Fair enough.
00:23:38Tell me you're here
00:23:40Okay, it's everyone here
00:23:42And all of their pets
00:23:44And their chandeliers
00:23:46And their cigarettes
00:23:48I haven't smoked in years
00:23:52I can understand the sight
00:23:54Of it all
00:23:56I can understand the sound
00:23:58Of it all
00:24:00I can understand the taste
00:24:02Of it all
00:24:04I can understand the smell
00:24:07Of it all
00:24:13Why?
00:24:15Aren't you supposed to be at your big, fancy, sophisticated job?
00:24:18Yeah. Well, they said I can start whenever I want.
00:24:20Right. Right. Right.
00:24:27Hi! Oh my god, a girl!
00:24:29How cute!
00:24:31You're a little hottie.
00:24:33Oh, okay. Thank you.
00:24:35I heard that nerds like to be called hotties
00:24:37because it helps them feel more revalent.
00:24:39Relevant, I think is the word.
00:24:41Anyways, I just came to show off my new tattoo.
00:24:43It's an arrow pointing down to my cute little pussy.
00:24:46Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Please.
00:24:48Are you sure?
00:24:49Keep your clothes on. Yeah, thank you.
00:24:50Thank you for offering. Very sweet. Very kind of you.
00:24:52Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.
00:24:54This whole place, it can take a minute.
00:24:56Yeah.
00:24:57You're gonna love it here.
00:24:58Oh, yeah, good.
00:25:00It's funny.
00:25:06There you are.
00:25:08Do you think maybe we could put a bell on you?
00:25:10I was the Los Alamos hide-and-seek world champion
00:25:13three years running.
00:25:14That's a thing?
00:25:15I could find you anywhere.
00:25:17Well, right now I'm just sitting at my desk,
00:25:20so no real skill required.
00:25:22So, um, what do you do here, anyway?
00:25:24IT.
00:25:26But I can code.
00:25:28Oh, okay.
00:25:29Well, it sounds like you and I
00:25:31will be working together then.
00:25:34What's wrong?
00:25:35Are you okay? Why are you crying?
00:25:37I'm just so happy!
00:25:39Oh.
00:25:45Am I interrupting something?
00:25:46Uh, well, yeah.
00:25:48Annalingus Part 3 isn't gonna sell itself.
00:25:50Aw, isn't it, though?
00:25:52What do you want?
00:25:53I'm just curious what an art director
00:25:55for a porno site does.
00:25:57You really want to know?
00:25:58No, I just came here for the manicures.
00:26:00I'm responsible for the visual style and images.
00:26:03I help with the artwork and layout,
00:26:05and I create the overall design.
00:26:06Hmm.
00:26:07But what does that mean in the context of spread?
00:26:09Well, come here. Take a look.
00:26:11I don't want to.
00:26:12Okay.
00:26:16Oh, wow.
00:26:18You ready for this?
00:26:19Sure.
00:26:20All right, here we go.
00:26:22This is what I've been working on.
00:26:24Stepdaughter orgy.
00:26:25How festive.
00:26:26Isn't it, though?
00:26:27The color scheme, the colors,
00:26:29the color scheme, composition, layout, et cetera.
00:26:32I'm in charge of all that.
00:26:34That's a pretty big job.
00:26:36Yeah. I'm hot shit.
00:26:38In the incestuous orgy world, maybe.
00:26:40So how did you end up here, anyway?
00:26:42Well, look.
00:26:44This place clearly isn't great,
00:26:46but it's also not forever.
00:26:47Readership is plummeting.
00:26:49And while the ship is sinking,
00:26:50I'm enjoying complete creative control.
00:26:53No one lording over my layout designs
00:26:55or asking me to use shitty Comic Sans
00:26:57or Times New Roman.
00:26:58I'm sorry, was that a font joke?
00:27:00No, I never joke about fonts.
00:27:03Enough show and tell.
00:27:04You better get back to your digital strategy
00:27:06because I hear Forever 21 is having a hiring freeze.
00:27:10Oh, okay.
00:27:12Well, I will let you get back to your beauty routine.
00:27:14Although, I would recommend backing off the tweezing.
00:27:17They're getting a bit thin.
00:27:19Bye now.
00:27:20Bye.
00:27:21Bye.
00:27:26She don't know what she talking about.
00:27:29I have a theme for the next issue.
00:27:31Foot fetishes.
00:27:33We haven't had a good old-fashioned foot fetish
00:27:36feature since August of 2009.
00:27:39Personally, feet scared the bejesus out of me.
00:27:41But a lot of men like them, so what the hell?
00:27:44Who wants to pitch me an idea about foot fetishes?
00:27:47No idea is a bad idea.
00:27:49Chicks getting naughty pedicures.
00:27:51What?
00:27:52Uh, chicks getting naughty pedicures.
00:27:54That's a terrible fucking stupid idea.
00:27:57Obviously, they'd have their drugs out.
00:27:59We can do a cross-promotion with vajangles.
00:28:01Get some ad dollars from them.
00:28:02Vajangles, that's perfect.
00:28:04Thomas, set up a photo shoot.
00:28:06A vajangle is a rubber foot,
00:28:08but where the ankle should be, there's a vagina.
00:28:11It's surprisingly lifelike.
00:28:13Hank, what are readers telling us?
00:28:15I'm getting a lot of questions about our new terminology.
00:28:18They can't keep up.
00:28:19Bone zone, land sharks, ancestors.
00:28:23Ancestors are all the ancestors never born
00:28:26due to male masturbation.
00:28:27Anal lingus.
00:28:28Anal lingus?
00:28:30I know that one.
00:28:31Kentucky tractor puller.
00:28:32Okay, what is it?
00:28:34The act of running around a room while engaged in anal sex.
00:28:37The unicorn.
00:28:38Ejaculating into long hair and...
00:28:40That's just stupid.
00:28:41Skittles harvest.
00:28:42A man consumes enough Skittles...
00:28:44Okay, enough!
00:28:45Well, there's something for everyone.
00:28:47Leslie, how about you head up our new terminology department?
00:28:51Like a constantly evolving sex dictionary.
00:28:54Uh, can I get another assignment?
00:28:56Because that kind of sounds like secretary work.
00:28:58No, no.
00:28:59I actually have this badass feature idea about windsurfing
00:29:02that I think I'm gonna love.
00:29:03No, sex dictionary.
00:29:05You'll be our little Miriam Webster.
00:29:07Miriam?
00:29:08That's totally a chick's name.
00:29:11Well, you do have a girl's name.
00:29:12E. Dick Brohard.
00:29:13It's unbelievable.
00:29:15Out of a hundred thousand sperm,
00:29:17you were the fastest one.
00:29:19Are you two fucking already or what?
00:29:22No.
00:29:24Uh, new girl.
00:29:25How is your pitch coming for the whole Appamajig?
00:29:28It's pretty good.
00:29:29I mean, right now we're just trying to nail down the user interface.
00:29:32Sounds like the future.
00:29:34Actually, I'm just trying to catch us up to the present.
00:29:36Right.
00:29:37Anyway, we have half an hour to brainstorm all the ways we can highlight vagankles.
00:29:42Then lunchtime.
00:29:43It's soup taco day.
00:29:45Get a napkin.
00:30:00I love the way you text.
00:30:02Personal space, Nelson.
00:30:04We should work on the app.
00:30:05Okay.
00:30:06Yo, girl temp and, uh, nerd.
00:30:09I find it really hard to believe you know what you're doing.
00:30:11Did you even go to college?
00:30:12I graduated with honors from UC Berkeley.
00:30:14Great.
00:30:15So what are you, like, some sort of hippie feminist?
00:30:18You know what happened to the last girl that worked here?
00:30:20You mean the girl that got shot?
00:30:22She got shot?
00:30:23Where?
00:30:24In the head.
00:30:25In the head.
00:30:26Well, she probably fucking deserved it.
00:30:28Nelson, you're with me.
00:30:29I'm starving.
00:30:30Let's go.
00:30:32Nelson!
00:30:33Okay.
00:30:42Hank?
00:30:43No one's here.
00:30:45Well, I was just hoping I could talk to you for a second.
00:30:49Okay, shoot.
00:30:50I'm trying to tie in social media with the app,
00:30:52and I was wondering if you ever use social media for pussy quest.
00:30:59What do you think?
00:31:00Probably not.
00:31:01But if it's okay with you,
00:31:03I was thinking I could set up pussy quest accounts on all the major socials,
00:31:09and it could really drive some serious traffic to your page,
00:31:12if that's something you'd be interested in.
00:31:14Okay, sure.
00:31:15Go ahead.
00:31:16Cool.
00:31:17Great.
00:31:18Well, then I'll draft up some mock accounts,
00:31:19and I'll run them by you.
00:31:23Hey, do you need help reading that?
00:31:25Nope.
00:31:26What is that?
00:31:27Is that fan mail?
00:31:28Nah.
00:31:29Some of it.
00:31:30Most of it's just incoherent ramblings of crazy men.
00:31:33Letters to the editor.
00:31:35I try to respond to the ones that make sense,
00:31:38publish a few, and just toss the rest away.
00:31:41What do they say?
00:31:42Depends.
00:31:44Most of these guys are in prison or stationed on some military base.
00:31:48They're typically writing back to a specific woman.
00:31:52Or they're nuts.
00:31:53The rest are just too backwards to understand how to make the internet work.
00:31:59Overall,
00:32:01just a bunch of ignorant, lonely dudes.
00:32:06Well, it sounds kind of sad.
00:32:11Does this sound sad to you?
00:32:13Dear Shannon,
00:32:15I want to slap my dick on your forehead while you finger yourself.
00:32:20No, that sounds straightforward.
00:32:22Moral of the story here is
00:32:24there are not a bunch of thinkers in our fan base.
00:32:28So you might want to keep that in mind when you're building this little app thingy.
00:32:32Don't make it too complicated.
00:32:34That's good advice. Thank you, Hank.
00:32:36Yeah, hey.
00:32:38Don't let those shit for brains out there rattle you.
00:32:42Stay strong.
00:32:48Ecstasy's here!
00:32:50Ecstasy, so wonderful to see you.
00:32:52Does Postmates deliver ecstasy now?
00:32:55Not this ecstasy.
00:32:56What does that mean?
00:32:57You're gonna learn today.
00:32:59Oh, it's the blonde lady. Got it.
00:33:00I do hope you have the bubbly waiting for me.
00:33:03Of course.
00:33:05Oh, is this another one of your little rescues?
00:33:08Right, we have a new girl.
00:33:09Huh, did you make a wrong turn?
00:33:12Accounting is on the first floor.
00:33:15Ruby, I'd like you to meet Ecstasy.
00:33:17She's a very famous agent.
00:33:19Oh, well, you must be so proud of your girls.
00:33:22What was that?
00:33:23You must be so proud of them.
00:33:25Ruby, come with us to set for a behind-the-scenes experience.
00:33:28Oh, I would, but I just have so much work to do.
00:33:30Chop, chop.
00:33:31Okay, yeah.
00:33:32I, I, I, I, love it when you show up.
00:33:35Lookin' like that, I, I, I, I, every time I look at ya.
00:33:39Okay.
00:33:40You make me wanna clap, I, I, I, I.
00:33:41Great, let's get started.
00:33:43Okay, well, right behind you.
00:33:45Now, as you know, this is part three of our esteemed series, Analingus.
00:33:51So really go for it, girls.
00:33:54Lookin' like that, I, I, I, I, every time I look at ya.
00:33:58You make me wanna clap, I, I, I, I,
00:34:02You make me wanna clap, I, I, I, I,
00:34:04All right, girls, let's get to it.
00:34:06I've got a four o'clock cryogenic session.
00:34:08Lexi's asses are going to eat itself.
00:34:10You make me wanna clap, I, I, I, I,
00:34:12You make me wanna clap, I, I, I, I,
00:34:14Wow, wow.
00:34:15You okay over there?
00:34:17Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:34:18I'm, uh, I'm doing great.
00:34:20Sugar, I'm just gonna come out and say
00:34:22I think you're better suited for a job where you, I don't know,
00:34:25make silk or fold cardigans.
00:34:28Uh-huh.
00:34:29Well, that's your opinion.
00:34:32And it's a pretty good one, too.
00:34:34Ladies, you're killing the mood.
00:34:36Oh, I'm sorry.
00:34:37Are we disturbing the master at work?
00:34:40Okay, girls, come on, let's get to it.
00:34:43I, I, I, I, I,
00:34:45I, I, I, I, I,
00:34:47I, I, I, I, I,
00:34:49Yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay.
00:34:51I, I, I, I, I,
00:34:53I, I, I, I,
00:34:55You make me wanna clap, I, I, I, I,
00:34:57To all my wonderful people,
00:34:59another great shoot.
00:35:01Absolutely.
00:35:07Hey, hottie.
00:35:09Oh, hi. Hi, Lexi.
00:35:11You look like you didn't have any fun today.
00:35:13Oh, no, no, I did, I did.
00:35:15It's, you know, I learned a lot.
00:35:17Oh, good.
00:35:18It's just, uh,
00:35:20is ecstasy kind of...
00:35:21A bitch?
00:35:22Yeah.
00:35:23Yeah, she can be.
00:35:24But, I mean, she's better than the male agents.
00:35:26She gets it, at least.
00:35:27You know, she used to be talent,
00:35:28so she knows how to protect us.
00:35:30Wait, ecstasy used to be on camera?
00:35:32Mm-hmm.
00:35:33Wow, well, that's interesting.
00:35:34Speaking of, how did you, you know,
00:35:36get into...
00:35:37pornography?
00:35:40Pornography?
00:35:42Babe, you're so cute.
00:35:44Um, I just really like sex.
00:35:47Oh.
00:35:48And attention.
00:35:49And no, my dad didn't touch me.
00:35:51Oh, I didn't think that.
00:35:52Oh, everyone always thinks that.
00:35:53I mean, of course there's girls in porn
00:35:54because their creepy uncle perved out on them,
00:35:56but not me.
00:35:58I get off on people watching.
00:36:00Hmm.
00:36:01And I'm hot as fuck,
00:36:02so why would I waste that sitting in an office all day?
00:36:04Yeah, no, that actually makes a lot of sense.
00:36:07Yeah.
00:36:08And you're very hot.
00:36:09Thanks.
00:36:10Have you ever considered it?
00:36:12Consider what?
00:36:13Pornography?
00:36:15No, fuck no.
00:36:16I mean, not no, it's just that...
00:36:19I mean, not, you know, fuck no,
00:36:21just not for me.
00:36:22It's not my thing.
00:36:23But you're very, very good at it.
00:36:24Ah, I get it.
00:36:26You are one of those behind-the-scene types.
00:36:29No, actually, I'm only doing this temporarily.
00:36:32Sorry, I just...
00:36:33I have to get this.
00:36:35It's my husband.
00:36:36Oh.
00:36:37Hi, baby.
00:36:39He's still up?
00:36:40Well, put him on.
00:36:42Hello, my big man.
00:36:44Mommy loves you.
00:36:47What just happened?
00:36:48Your entire feminist construct imploded?
00:36:51Look at you.
00:36:52Such big words.
00:36:53And very funny coming from the guy
00:36:55who has an up-to-date album of shirtless photos on Instagram.
00:36:58Diving deep in my socials, huh?
00:37:00Well, it's kind of my job right now.
00:37:01Instagram stalking me is your job?
00:37:03I'm not just stalking you.
00:37:04I looked up everybody.
00:37:05Calm down.
00:37:06Sure you did.
00:37:07You're so cocky.
00:37:08You're so high-maintenance.
00:37:09I'm high-maintenance?
00:37:10Yeah.
00:37:11Says the man with a monthly subscription
00:37:12to Crest White Strips.
00:37:13It's cheaper that way.
00:37:14I'm fiscally responsible.
00:37:15Oh, wow.
00:37:16Fiscally responsible.
00:37:17What a panty-soaker.
00:37:18Say it again.
00:37:19Fiscally responsible.
00:37:21Oh, you know, I bet you're one of those guys
00:37:23that likes to look at himself in the mirror during sex.
00:37:26Can you blame me?
00:37:27This shit is tight.
00:37:28It's OK.
00:37:29I've had better.
00:37:30I doubt that.
00:37:31Oh, you doubt that?
00:37:32What, is that your big move?
00:37:33No.
00:37:34I'm burning you, burning me up.
00:37:35This fire is burning me up.
00:37:37Girl, everything you be doing is turning the temperature up.
00:37:40That's my big move.
00:37:41That's all I be doing my thing.
00:37:44Well, it's not awful.
00:37:46But I still totally hate you.
00:37:48I hate you too.
00:37:49I hate you more.
00:37:50Are you close?
00:37:51Yeah.
00:37:52Is it happening?
00:37:53Yes.
00:37:54Ah!
00:37:55Ah!
00:37:56Ah!
00:37:57Ah!
00:37:58Oh!
00:37:59Oh!
00:38:00OK.
00:38:01Ooh.
00:38:02It's OK.
00:38:03What was that?
00:38:16What was what?
00:38:17That.
00:38:18That was real?
00:38:19Yeah.
00:38:20OK.
00:38:21Whoa.
00:38:22I'm not criticizing you.
00:38:23I just want to make sure you got off.
00:38:24OK.
00:38:25Well, you know what, Thomas?
00:38:26It doesn't really matter.
00:38:27Because this was a huge mistake.
00:38:28And it can never happen again.
00:38:29Really?
00:38:30Yeah.
00:38:31I'm going to go.
00:38:32OK.
00:38:33What's up, track star?
00:38:34Huh?
00:38:35Oh.
00:38:36No.
00:38:37Because I bolted.
00:38:38Yes, that's very funny.
00:38:39Well, I'm actually very busy too.
00:38:40So I can't talk.
00:38:41OK.
00:38:42Bye.
00:38:43Bye.
00:38:44Bye.
00:38:45Bye.
00:38:46Bye.
00:38:47Bye.
00:38:48Bye.
00:38:49Bye.
00:38:50Bye.
00:38:51Bye.
00:38:52Bye.
00:38:53Bye.
00:38:54Bye.
00:38:55Bye.
00:38:56Bye.
00:38:57Bye.
00:38:58Bye.
00:38:59Bye.
00:39:00Bye.
00:39:01Bye.
00:39:02Bye.
00:39:03Bye.
00:39:04Bye.
00:39:05Bye.
00:39:06Bye.
00:39:07Bye.
00:39:08Bye.
00:39:09Bye.
00:39:10Bye.
00:39:11Bye.
00:39:12Bye.
00:39:13Bye.
00:39:14Bye.
00:39:15Bye.
00:39:16Bye.
00:39:17music
00:39:18suddenly stops
00:39:27You're ignoring my texts.
00:39:28Dad, what are you doing here?
00:39:29This is spread magazine.
00:39:30You work at spread?
00:39:31Spread, this is your job.
00:39:33Yes, yes.
00:39:33How did you find me?
00:39:34Oh, I didn't realize I'm still paying for your iTunes.
00:39:36So all our devices share the same Apple ID.
00:39:38I could see your texts.
00:39:39Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:39:40You've been reading my texts?
00:39:42That's what you get for sponging off your old man.
00:39:44Ugh, I can't believe I'm lying to my parents.
00:39:46That's nice.
00:39:47A little guilt is better than none.
00:39:48I don't think I can do this, Whit.
00:39:49Spread is so disgusting.
00:39:50Stop, shh.
00:39:51Spread is so disgusting.
00:39:53Well, this is a good one.
00:39:53You're gonna like this.
00:39:54I cannot believe I-
00:39:55Dad, stop.
00:39:56What do you want?
00:39:57I just want to take you to lunch.
00:39:59Good, let's go to lunch.
00:40:00Okay.
00:40:01Now.
00:40:02That's what I was saying.
00:40:03This guy.
00:40:04He's not a plumber.
00:40:05Dad, stop.
00:40:06He's not a plumber.
00:40:07I know that one.
00:40:08Dad, dad, I don't really have a lot of time.
00:40:10I'm on a deadline.
00:40:11Cool, sounds important.
00:40:16I'm so pumped you're working at Spread.
00:40:17It's a dream job.
00:40:18Yeah, well, it's not my dream job.
00:40:20Oh, shit.
00:40:21You're not gonna tell Mom, are you?
00:40:23No, you know, divorced folk really don't gab that much.
00:40:26So then what do you want?
00:40:28I just want to visit the office, meet Frank Ferretti,
00:40:32find out what you're working on, regular dad stuff.
00:40:35It's gross.
00:40:36It'll be fun.
00:40:36We'll go to lunch.
00:40:37You can invite Ferretti, maybe a few of the ladies.
00:40:40Yeah, it's very gross.
00:40:41We'll spend some quality time together,
00:40:42just like you always wanted.
00:40:43Dad, I wanted that quality time
00:40:45when I was in elementary school
00:40:46and you were at Big Wang's every night watching the Cubs.
00:40:49Listen, sweetie, I'm retired.
00:40:51I'm getting older.
00:40:52I'm running out of time to be my idol.
00:40:55Come on.
00:40:56The truth is, I wish I had been there more for you.
00:40:59I just, I've never felt like a dad, you know?
00:41:02Or acted like one.
00:41:05I was a shitty dad.
00:41:09I'm trying to make up for that now.
00:41:14All right, well, I'm not sure I'd totally buy it, but okay.
00:41:18All right, yeah, fuck it, fine, deal, you can come.
00:41:20Score!
00:41:21So what's Frank like in real life?
00:41:23Does he crush some serious gas?
00:41:28You could, I'm just curious, you know?
00:41:31It's, okay, see you at the office.
00:41:35Spread, she works at Spread.
00:41:38My dad found out that I banged a coworker,
00:41:41and guess what?
00:41:42He's stoked about it.
00:41:43Your dad's weird.
00:41:44Yeah, still, that place is no bueno.
00:41:45Why are we talking on the phone?
00:41:46Are you not home?
00:41:48Ben's been so busy with work,
00:41:49I thought I'd come up here and surprise him.
00:41:52Okay, well, I was gonna surprise you
00:41:54with a sex toy from work,
00:41:55but now you're just gonna have to wait until you get back.
00:41:57What?
00:41:59Yeah, okay.
00:42:00Actually, why don't you bring home all the sex toys?
00:42:04Whoa, tiger.
00:42:05Not for me, for the presentation.
00:42:08But seriously, you should have a focus group.
00:42:11Invite over some ladies, have real conversations
00:42:14about sex, porn, toys, what women want and don't want.
00:42:19I mean, how are you gonna make Spread better
00:42:22if you don't know what women want?
00:42:24Yeah, I guess I could do that.
00:42:26I'll put an ad on Craigslist.
00:42:27Yeah.
00:42:28I'll make sure you have lots of wine.
00:42:30Oh, absolutely.
00:42:32♪ Ooh, baby, honey, you set me alight ♪
00:42:35♪ Like a summertime sky ♪
00:42:38♪ Ooh, give it to me, drop me a glass ♪
00:42:42♪ Can I keep you alive? ♪
00:42:44♪ Cause I'm drunk, tired, mystified ♪
00:42:46Oh, that's good.
00:42:47♪ You're so electrified, baby, come and beat me up ♪
00:42:50♪ Ooh, honey, honey, I'm under your spell ♪
00:42:54♪ And I can't get enough ♪
00:42:58There.
00:43:03♪ Ooh, honey, honey, you're blazing a trail ♪
00:43:06♪ To the future so bright ♪
00:43:07Hard job.
00:43:09♪ Ooh, give it to me, I'm ready to go ♪
00:43:13And here's the presentation.
00:43:15♪ Cause it might be destiny, can we stick to chemistry? ♪
00:43:18♪ Baby, can you feel the rush? ♪
00:43:21♪ Ooh, honey, honey, I'm under your spell ♪
00:43:25♪ And I can't get enough ♪
00:43:27♪ Ooh, give it to me, I'm ready to go ♪
00:43:31♪ Ooh, give it to me, I'm ready to go ♪
00:43:35♪ Ooh, give it to me, I'm ready to go ♪
00:43:39♪ Ooh, give it to me, I'm ready to go ♪
00:43:45Yes.
00:43:48♪♪
00:43:58Whew.
00:43:59♪♪
00:44:03Ooh, yeah.
00:44:04♪♪
00:44:10Fuck.
00:44:11♪♪
00:44:14I like a vibrator, and I like a dildo.
00:44:17But I don't want my dildo to vibrate.
00:44:19A dildo that doesn't vibrate is a waste of rubber, if you ask me.
00:44:22Yeah, I need all the help I can get.
00:44:24Vibration, penetration, visual stimulation.
00:44:27I've actually never used a vibrator before.
00:44:29Girl.
00:44:30Do you guys watch porn?
00:44:31Of course.
00:44:32Sometimes.
00:44:33Yeah.
00:44:34♪♪
00:44:37Okay, what kind of porn do you watch?
00:44:39Actually, gay porn.
00:44:40Really?
00:44:41That's interesting. Why?
00:44:42Because at least it shows off a guy's body.
00:44:44Right.
00:44:45I think porn for straight dudes is just women faking it.
00:44:47Yeah, I've only done that.
00:44:49What about porn made for women?
00:44:51Personally, I don't think lighted porn's all that great.
00:44:53I mean, still a lot of bad lighting and lame storylines.
00:44:57What kind of porn do you want to watch?
00:45:00Hot guys. Massive cocks.
00:45:02Yeah.
00:45:03And not just Kimmy. Can't stop squirming.
00:45:05Equal screen time, so we can see the guy's body.
00:45:07It's not just that one part.
00:45:09Less dick.
00:45:10What about a single woman's Parisian vacation?
00:45:14Now that is hot.
00:45:16Oui, oui.
00:45:17Jane, that's really good.
00:45:18But it has to be discreet, though.
00:45:19I don't want to see chicks with dicks in my credit card statement.
00:45:22I grabbed it. I thought maybe we could talk about it.
00:45:25I don't really know what to think.
00:45:27No?
00:45:28How do I use this?
00:45:29Spondage tape.
00:45:30Yes.
00:45:33It's a little bit scary.
00:45:34In a pinch, it's good for travel.
00:45:36How is it good for travel?
00:45:37I can show you.
00:45:38Okay.
00:45:39This guy.
00:45:40Oh, hell no.
00:45:41What about this thing?
00:45:42I actually have that one in blue.
00:45:43You do?
00:45:44Blue's the most relaxing color, and you've got to relax if you're going to take something that big.
00:45:48Am I right?
00:45:49I think this went really well.
00:45:51Yes.
00:45:53Well, no, not yet.
00:45:55It's just an idea.
00:45:57Of course we'll need to...
00:45:59She started as a temp, but...
00:46:01You know it's a fucking great idea.
00:46:07Oh, big day.
00:46:08Everyone's in the conference room waiting for you.
00:46:10Thanks, P.
00:46:12Mm.
00:46:26What the fuck?
00:46:35Oh, no, no, no.
00:46:36Fuck, fuck.
00:46:42Shit.
00:46:50That motherfucker.
00:46:52Ruby, they're getting restless.
00:46:54It's now or never.
00:46:55Good luck.
00:46:56I can't go.
00:46:57I can't go.
00:46:58I don't have my presentation, and I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing here.
00:47:00Oh, I don't know.
00:47:01Revolutionizing the porn industry.
00:47:03Giving women a voice.
00:47:05You got this.
00:47:11Fuck.
00:47:41Fuck.
00:47:51What's the holdup?
00:47:53Um, I just need one second.
00:47:55I'm sorry.
00:47:58This was a bad idea.
00:48:00Everyone back to work.
00:48:02No, no, no.
00:48:03No, no, wait, wait, guys, please wait.
00:48:04Um...
00:48:12Apple taught us to think different.
00:48:16For some, that means smartphones and electric cars.
00:48:22But for Spread, think different means helping people masturbate
00:48:27with one hand on their iPhone and the other hand on their genitals.
00:48:32The Spread app is designed to do just that.
00:48:35And, of course, it would be discreet, you know,
00:48:37with options of different interfaces,
00:48:39making it look like an app for recipes or shopping or navigation
00:48:44or whatever the user chooses.
00:48:46And, of course, it'll be password protected.
00:48:48Now, if we dive a little deeper into user personalization...
00:49:08We not only need to optimize on the power of the Spread brand
00:49:13and subscriber base, but we also need to expand on it.
00:49:16Let me ask you a question.
00:49:18Who do you think drives 60% to 70% of all consumer purchasing?
00:49:23Oh!
00:49:24Women.
00:49:25And what percentage of women do you think watch porn?
00:49:29Oh!
00:49:30Ten percent.
00:49:32Fifty percent.
00:49:34Fifty percent.
00:49:37My mom is one of those.
00:49:39She likes movies set on farms.
00:49:42She's an animal lover.
00:49:44Thank you, Nelson.
00:49:46The point is, women will watch porn if you just engage them.
00:49:50They want porn that's tailored to them.
00:49:53OK? Listen to this.
00:49:55My family shares a computer and my kids use my phone,
00:49:58so can't have any porn on there.
00:50:00What if it was an app that looked like an astrology app
00:50:03and your kids didn't have access to it?
00:50:06I can get with that.
00:50:08Yeah, that'd work.
00:50:10Why aren't we marketing to the other half of the population?
00:50:14The half that controls the majority of the spending.
00:50:17Right now, Spread is missing out on this massive audience
00:50:21and their tremendous spending power.
00:50:23With a modest startup investment of $150K for tech and personnel,
00:50:29creating a solid app could increase annual revenue by as much as 300%.
00:50:39Mr Ferretti?
00:50:43I think that porn is an unsung hero.
00:50:46Why do people buy VHS players?
00:50:49They get off to porn in the comfort of their bedrooms.
00:50:53Then they bought DVDs and Blu-rays so they could see more clearly.
00:50:59And now the Internet.
00:51:01So does that mean you're in?
00:51:04Oh, I'm a believer.
00:51:08But we can't move forward.
00:51:16That's a good idea.
00:51:18Leslie, shut the fuck up.
00:51:21Mr Ferretti?
00:51:23Frank?
00:51:25Mr Ferretti, please...
00:51:29Welcome to the suck.
00:51:42Hello.
00:51:48Whoa.
00:51:50Okay, do you, like, have a homing device for vulnerable women?
00:51:53I was gonna say something nice, but I could just leave.
00:51:56No.
00:51:58Please stay. I could use hearing something nice.
00:52:01I was gonna say that even though your presentation started off bad,
00:52:06like, really, really embarrassingly bad...
00:52:11Okay, will you skip to the good part, please?
00:52:14I was really impressed.
00:52:16I gotta say, your research and approach was streamlined and in-depth and, well, innovative.
00:52:23Hmm.
00:52:25Yeah.
00:52:30How can she focus?
00:52:32I mean, I multitask all day. I don't want to do it with multiple sets of genitals.
00:52:36If I'm gonna, you know, then I need to concentrate.
00:52:41Speaking of...
00:52:45Okay. Okay, fine. Yes, you were right.
00:52:49I faked it.
00:52:51Why?
00:52:52Because it's embarrassing.
00:52:55I mean, most guys don't even know how to get a woman off.
00:52:58I didn't even know how to get myself off for a very long time.
00:53:01How sad is that?
00:53:02Well, I think that's pretty common.
00:53:04Not as fucking tragic as what it is.
00:53:07I can help you.
00:53:09I mean, we can do it together.
00:53:13Spread should offer tutorials for giving women orgasms and for women to achieve their own.
00:53:20Not cool, but sexy.
00:53:21Yeah, right.
00:53:23Research?
00:53:25Research.
00:53:37Hey, Penny, I have your coffee.
00:53:42Oh, it's you.
00:53:46Prudence? Not cool.
00:53:50I'm sorry. I begged her, sir.
00:53:52Can I please just have five minutes?
00:53:54The app is a strategic, long-term...
00:53:57I'll stop you right there.
00:53:59There's no more long-term investments in Spread.
00:54:03Our parent company bought us out of bankruptcy, but we're still hemorrhaging money.
00:54:08And I can't find a way to stop it.
00:54:12Did you know I started this magazine in my garage?
00:54:16You did?
00:54:17Yeah.
00:54:18My first wife was a cover model.
00:54:21A beautiful blonde.
00:54:23Boy, was she a knockout.
00:54:25She didn't like that I always called her my first wife.
00:54:29I was just being realistic.
00:54:31And that's how I ran my business.
00:54:35There were them magazines that had mansions, fighting for free space.
00:54:41I knew in order to survive, I had to minimize risks.
00:54:45Stay under the radar.
00:54:47Coast.
00:54:49And that's how I survived the game.
00:54:51Well, it makes sense to me.
00:54:54Maybe I wanted to prove to those snotty rich kids I grew up with that I was as good as them.
00:55:01Or maybe I was just having too much fun and just didn't give a fuck.
00:55:06This place might not look like much to you, but it's everything to me.
00:55:14I know it is.
00:55:17All those idiots who work here.
00:55:20Well, they're my idiots.
00:55:22They're my family, really.
00:55:27And I've let everyone down.
00:55:29No. No, you haven't, Mr. Ferretti.
00:55:33People warned me. They said the industry was changing.
00:55:36And I have to change with it.
00:55:39But I didn't listen.
00:55:42And now...
00:55:46It's too late.
00:55:47No, it's not.
00:55:48That's what I'm trying to tell you. It's not too late.
00:55:50Ruby, I'm not charging a budget anymore.
00:55:54Foolish asshole who's been walking around here, Mr. Sizemore.
00:56:00He's the corporate suit who's really in charge.
00:56:04I asked him for the startup money.
00:56:09But he said no.
00:56:11He said no?
00:56:12Actually, he said get fucked.
00:56:16I don't have a good feeling about this luau.
00:56:18What if I went and talked to him?
00:56:20You know, you're telling me this guy's all about money, right?
00:56:22So if I showed him the projections, then he couldn't deny it.
00:56:25He couldn't deny the numbers. I can be very convincing.
00:56:34You're a good kid.
00:56:38So that's it?
00:56:43All right, well...
00:56:47It was an honor being one of your idiots.
00:56:50Can I give you a hug?
00:57:00They say, Ruby, you're like a dream.
00:57:07Not always what you seem.
00:57:12And though my heart may break...
00:57:16Oh, shut up.
00:57:20You're a really good kid.
00:57:24Now do me a favor.
00:57:26What?
00:57:27Get the fuck out of here.
00:57:30Yeah.
00:57:41How many wives have you had?
00:57:44Four. I'm counting.
00:57:50Why is it so hard to believe?
00:57:55How does this feel?
00:57:58I don't know.
00:58:19Guess it's time for a new temp.
00:58:29Your ten o'clock, sir.
00:58:31I didn't know I had a ten o'clock.
00:58:33She said it was urgent.
00:58:35Doubtful.
00:58:36Um, Mr. Sizemore?
00:58:38I have a plan to dramatically increase your profit.
00:58:41I just need five minutes.
00:58:42No.
00:58:43What? But I haven't even...
00:58:44I know who you are and why you're here.
00:58:46Okay, but this could save...
00:58:48It can't, and it won't.
00:58:50I won't let Spread waste one more penny.
00:58:52After the luau, it's done.
00:58:54You're shutting down Spread?
00:58:56But what about everybody who works here?
00:58:58Well, you'll all get your severance packages.
00:59:00Well, not you, actually.
00:59:02You're just a temp.
00:59:03But I have a plan, okay?
00:59:05And I can prove it to you.
00:59:06If you'll just give me a little bit more time, I can show you.
00:59:08Spread is out of time.
00:59:11You better update your resume.
00:59:13Wait, is Spread even on your resume?
00:59:18Yeah, I didn't think so.
00:59:23Why are you still here?
00:59:27Pearl.
00:59:31Bring me a cappuccino.
00:59:44Hey, lameosexual.
00:59:46Guess what?
00:59:47What?
00:59:48My windsurfing story goes live today.
00:59:50That's very cool, Leslie. Good for you.
00:59:52Yeah, it is good for me.
00:59:55Gross. What's your problem?
00:59:57I just talked to Sizemore.
00:59:58Stop listening.
01:00:00I know it was you who took my note cards, you dickhead.
01:00:03Okay, bye, Sasta. Bye, Feather.
01:00:05What a fun work environment.
01:00:07Dad, Dad, Dad, lunch isn't for another hour.
01:00:09What are you doing here?
01:00:10Retirement's boring.
01:00:11No, no, no, you have to leave.
01:00:12I'm still a little commotion.
01:00:13You're still here?
01:00:14Mm-hmm. Sure am.
01:00:16It's Freddie. It's Frank Ferretti.
01:00:17It's Frank Ferretti in the flesh.
01:00:19That's right.
01:00:20Who's this?
01:00:21Mr. Ferretti, I'm very sorry.
01:00:23This is my father, but he was just leaving.
01:00:25You, sir, are a legend.
01:00:27I'm just honored you've given my daughter this opportunity.
01:00:30Is that so?
01:00:31Oh, absolutely.
01:00:32It's always been a dream of mine to meet you,
01:00:34and I have brought you this but a humble gift of my appreciation,
01:00:37a bag of bagels.
01:00:39I spared no expense.
01:00:40There's every flavor in there,
01:00:41except for the everything bagel,
01:00:43because they cost a dollar more.
01:00:45They make my breath stink anyway.
01:00:47Right? I mean...
01:00:48How about a tour?
01:00:49Oh, I'd love that. Thank you so much.
01:00:51Yes, please.
01:00:52Mr. Ferretti?
01:00:55Uh...
01:00:57I...
01:01:00May I take those bagels from you?
01:01:02Okay. Okay.
01:01:03How about that tour?
01:01:07So what's this? This looks interesting.
01:01:09It's a closet full of dildos!
01:01:11I love this place!
01:01:17Ruby?
01:01:18Nelson?
01:01:19What are you doing?
01:01:20Were you crying?
01:01:21Were you spying?
01:01:22My mother calls it private attentive observation.
01:01:25Okay, that's spying.
01:01:26I'm sorry you're sad.
01:01:27I'm not sad. I'm...
01:01:29I'm frustrated.
01:01:30Your eyes look pretty when they're bloodshot.
01:01:32Is that all you wanted to tell me?
01:01:34Leslie is gathering everyone for a release party of his windsurfing story.
01:01:38Ugh.
01:01:39Will you be my date?
01:01:43Yes.
01:01:46Woo!
01:01:51You really outdid yourself with this tap water.
01:01:53Yeah, you're not gonna be talking so much shit once you read the story.
01:01:56You do realize I've already read it, right?
01:01:58Yeah, whatever.
01:02:01Are you kidding me?
01:02:03It's McDumath, you fucks!
01:02:06Who wrote Leslie McDumbass, huh?
01:02:10Oh, you think this is fucking funny?
01:02:12Dude, it was a joke.
01:02:13Besides, you're the one who's supposed to proofread everything.
01:02:15Yeah, whatever.
01:02:16You and your boyfriend are gonna pay for this.
01:02:21Shit.
01:02:29Leslie called me your boyfriend.
01:02:31Leslie calls his penis a beef bazooka, so I wouldn't read into it.
01:02:35Trust me, I'm not.
01:02:36I just hope everyone around here doesn't think that we're dating.
01:02:39Why? Because that would be the worst thing?
01:02:41Assembling Ikea furniture might be worse.
01:02:43Okay, well, you don't have to worry about it because we're never hooking up again.
01:02:47Sure.
01:02:48We're not.
01:02:49Mm-hmm.
01:02:52Fuck.
01:03:01Mr. Freddy, do you have a minute?
01:03:02Sure.
01:03:04Talk to Mr. Sizemore?
01:03:06Yeah.
01:03:09He's shutting down Spread and announcing it at the luau.
01:03:12I had a feeling.
01:03:14Thanks for telling me.
01:03:16Do me a favor, don't tell the others yet.
01:03:18No, no, no, of course I won't.
01:03:20He just doesn't see the big picture.
01:03:22Well, he calls the shots.
01:03:24Now, I hate to kick you out, but I don't want you to see a grown man cry.
01:03:41What are you doing?
01:03:42Um, I was just looking for a job for my friend.
01:03:45I was looking for a job for my friend.
01:03:48That's my favorite dating site.
01:03:50But that was LinkedIn.
01:03:52I know.
01:03:55Oh, shit.
01:03:56Hello?
01:03:58Okey-dokey.
01:04:00Okay, so, tomorrow.
01:04:01Yeah, yes, yes, yes, of course, I'll be there.
01:04:04Thank you so much, I'll see you then.
01:04:19Hmm.
01:04:23Well, you don't have much in the form of real-life work experience.
01:04:28But I must say, I find all your extracurriculars interesting.
01:04:31Published in the New Yorker at the age of 17.
01:04:34That's exceptional.
01:04:36It is?
01:04:37Yeah.
01:04:38Thank you.
01:04:39Yeah, yeah, I've always been a lover of language.
01:04:42And you're currently at the Atlantic.
01:04:44Yeah.
01:04:45Well, they're quite esteemed.
01:04:47I go way back with Max.
01:04:49Oh, yeah, yeah, Max is great.
01:04:52I mean, I've never met Max, because I mostly keep to myself.
01:04:58But, yeah, everybody loves Max.
01:05:01So tell me about your position there.
01:05:03At the Atlantic?
01:05:05Yes.
01:05:06Right now, I am just a junior copy editor.
01:05:09And I do love it, but, you know, I just wish there was room for me.
01:05:12What's your long-term goal?
01:05:14I want to be a managing editor.
01:05:17That's ambitious.
01:05:20I like that.
01:05:22So tell me a little more about yourself.
01:05:24Yeah, so I started writing when I was around 12.
01:05:29Oh, you can see areola with these.
01:05:32Ruby, come help us pick out supplies for the luau.
01:05:35Do you think the 75 coconut bras are going to be enough?
01:05:38Are there ever really enough?
01:05:39That is so true.
01:05:41Let's make it an even hundred.
01:05:42You're coming to the luau, right?
01:05:44Uh, yeah.
01:05:46Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:05:47I wouldn't miss it for the world.
01:05:48You mean inviting all your feminist friends?
01:05:50No, I'm not.
01:05:51Yeah, because you don't have any, loser.
01:05:52You're one to talk.
01:05:53I don't have fucking friends.
01:05:55Okay, my entire aikido class is coming.
01:05:57Nice.
01:05:59You haven't told anybody you work here.
01:06:02You're a fucking stinky hippie feminist.
01:06:06You're a fucking stinky hippie feminist spy.
01:06:10And you probably got a full bush.
01:06:12It's not a full bush.
01:06:15Okay, um, everybody follow me into the conference room.
01:06:18Okay, right now.
01:06:19I need everybody.
01:06:20Let's go.
01:06:21Not going.
01:06:22Don't fucking work for you.
01:06:23I meant everybody else.
01:06:30Okay, so Frank doesn't seem to think...
01:06:32Hey, guys.
01:06:33What's going on?
01:06:34Dad?
01:06:35What are you doing here?
01:06:36And why are you under the table?
01:06:37Well, I'm just polishing my Benoit balls.
01:06:40You know how that relaxes me.
01:06:44Okay.
01:06:45Well, as I was saying,
01:06:46Frank doesn't think that we have the resources for this app.
01:06:49But I disagree.
01:06:50You all are the greatest resource he could ever have.
01:06:53We should launch this app with minimum viable product
01:06:55just to prove its capabilities.
01:06:57But we have to do it before the luau.
01:06:59Oh, dear.
01:07:00That's in a week, honey.
01:07:01I know.
01:07:02But I have a friend who has a team in Bangladesh
01:07:04that can deliver me the wireframes that fast.
01:07:06I may have to give her my firstborn in return,
01:07:09but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
01:07:11You can always have more kids.
01:07:12Thank you, Dad.
01:07:13Um, moving on.
01:07:14Prudence, because of all your relationships in this business,
01:07:16I was thinking you could be in charge of finding our advertisers.
01:07:19I could do that, I think.
01:07:21And Hank, you seem to really be getting the hang of Twitter,
01:07:23and I think you'll learn TikTok and Instagram and Snapchat no problem.
01:07:27Plus, everybody loves you, you know?
01:07:29So just get those girls to link up their socials to spreads
01:07:31and we'll be golden.
01:07:33And, uh, Nelson, you'll be our king of code.
01:07:36I'm her king?
01:07:38Yeah.
01:07:39And obviously we'll need killer design,
01:07:41so that'll be Thomas' domain.
01:07:43What am I in charge of?
01:07:45Dad, you don't work here.
01:07:46Consider it a community service.
01:07:49Okay, whatever.
01:07:50Is everybody in?
01:07:51Well, I'm in.
01:07:53Let's do it.
01:07:54You're probably going to pester me until I say yes,
01:07:56so let's just cut out the headache.
01:07:59Nelson?
01:08:00Anything for my queen.
01:08:03Cool.
01:08:04And Thomas.
01:08:06Sorry, I have other work to do.
01:08:11That was a buzzkill, huh?
01:08:13Going so strong there.
01:08:15Mother!
01:08:25He seems nice.
01:08:26He's an asshole.
01:08:27Oh, yeah.
01:08:28He is an asshole.
01:08:29Bullshit.
01:08:30Balls?
01:08:31Thank you.
01:08:32Yeah.
01:08:33Can I try one?
01:08:34No.
01:08:35Other work to do?
01:08:36No, please, come in.
01:08:38You and I both know that this is a good idea.
01:08:40You can't save spread.
01:08:41Yes, we can if we try.
01:08:43It's too much work and not enough time.
01:08:45It is not possible.
01:08:46What is your problem?
01:08:47Are you afraid of failure or are you afraid of success?
01:08:49Neither.
01:08:50Oh, so you just think empowering women
01:08:51is a bullshit idea in general.
01:08:53Okay, I got it now.
01:08:54Thank you.
01:08:58Is this Ruby Clark?
01:08:59Yes, this is Ruby.
01:09:00Marcia from the Sophisticate here.
01:09:02Good news.
01:09:03It's just down to you and one other candidate.
01:09:06Really?
01:09:07Yes.
01:09:08Well, that's amazing.
01:09:09I'll be in touch soon.
01:09:10Thank you so much.
01:09:11Bye-bye.
01:09:20Okay, since dickhole Thomas is out,
01:09:22the design's on you.
01:09:24I've been told I have a great eye for color.
01:09:27I can tell that just by looking at you.
01:09:29We also need somebody to make new videos.
01:09:31How about Leslie?
01:09:32Maybe he can help.
01:09:33No, no, hell no.
01:09:34We need somebody who already owns the equipment
01:09:36and would do it for free.
01:09:38Oh, you know what?
01:09:41I think I know a guy.
01:09:44So let me get this straight.
01:09:46My ex-girlfriend who dumped me for watching porn
01:09:50now wants to hire me to make porn.
01:09:54I do see the irony.
01:09:55But think of it this way.
01:09:56If we're successful,
01:09:57then you can use this to finance all your shitty indies.
01:10:01You should work on your pitch.
01:10:03I'm offering you a chance to make porn, Orson.
01:10:05That's my pitch.
01:10:10I'm gonna need money for crew, sets, wardrobe, actors.
01:10:14Well, there is no money.
01:10:16I mean, there's no money right now.
01:10:18There will be eventually,
01:10:19but right now all we need are little TikTok-sized videos.
01:10:22Okay?
01:10:23Just bite-sized, itty-bitty videos.
01:10:25And when I think of itty-bitty, I think of you.
01:10:30That's just not nice.
01:10:32Sorry.
01:10:33Look, do you want to make fucking pornos or not?
01:10:41Yeah, yeah, I do.
01:10:43I want to make the porns.
01:10:45Great.
01:10:48So I tell the guy he's got a choice.
01:10:50It's either rum and coke or the Easter bunny.
01:10:58Yeah.
01:10:59Anyway, ladies,
01:11:01what would you say to increasing your earning potential?
01:11:06Um, yeah.
01:11:08Oh, Roger, you know that I'm powerless
01:11:10when it comes to a seafood tower.
01:11:13Okay, well, listen,
01:11:15if we can count on Trojan advertising on our site,
01:11:18you can count on me only wearing clamshells.
01:11:20Every time you post on social media,
01:11:23you tag spread and you get paid.
01:11:26Cool.
01:11:27Yeah.
01:11:28Listen, a little birdie told me
01:11:29that blow me, finger me, make me come
01:11:31needs some product placement.
01:11:32So what's the catch?
01:11:34No catch.
01:11:35Oh, you naughty boy.
01:11:36So is that a yes?
01:11:37So anytime we post something,
01:11:39we just tag spread and get paid?
01:11:41It's that simple.
01:11:42Hello, Murray.
01:11:43What if they're fetish videos?
01:11:45Even better.
01:11:46Fine, Murray.
01:11:47Be that way.
01:11:48Girl on girl.
01:11:49Girl on girl on girl on girl.
01:11:51I love it.
01:11:52Please tell me that Come On Us has us covered.
01:11:55Completely?
01:11:56Head to toe?
01:11:57Bondage.
01:11:58Of course, bondage.
01:11:59Of course.
01:12:00Belching.
01:12:01There's an audience for that.
01:12:05My work here is done.
01:12:10Ruby.
01:12:12Hello?
01:12:13Hey, it's Orson.
01:12:14Again, I need your help.
01:12:15I'm having a problem getting a location.
01:12:16Okay, well, just figure it out.
01:12:17Oh, for fuck's sake.
01:12:18I've had an idea.
01:12:20Wait, where have you been?
01:12:21I'm using the swag closet as my office now.
01:12:23It's really inspiring in there.
01:12:24Anyway, picture this.
01:12:25We host a contest to find Spread's biggest fan,
01:12:28and the winner gets swag from the closet
01:12:30and maybe a date with a porn star, even.
01:12:32That's actually not a bad idea.
01:12:34It's actually a great idea.
01:12:41Yes?
01:12:42You think I got a shot at winning the contest?
01:12:44I think we would be hard-pressed
01:12:46finding somebody more obsessed than you.
01:12:48Yes! I got this!
01:12:57Dearest?
01:12:58Nelson, just Ruby, please.
01:13:00Just Ruby, please?
01:13:02Can I show you the design?
01:13:05Yeah, sure.
01:13:07Okay.
01:13:13Well, for positives, it's, you know, it's super fast.
01:13:22Here.
01:13:24What's this?
01:13:26It's the design.
01:13:27Really?
01:13:28Mm-hmm.
01:13:29Why?
01:13:30Because Nelson is colorblind.
01:13:33That explains so much.
01:13:36Amazing.
01:13:37Thank you.
01:13:38For the record, I do believe in empowering women.
01:13:41But...
01:13:44I am afraid of failure.
01:13:46Ah.
01:13:47And success.
01:13:48Oh.
01:13:49It's complicated.
01:13:51Get a room!
01:13:56He needs to get laid.
01:13:57Yeah, he does.
01:13:58But nobody will fuck him.
01:13:59Nope.
01:14:00Oh, well, isn't this sweet?
01:14:02This guy had the Spread logo tattooed on his penis.
01:14:05I mean, like this, it just says SD, but when it gets hard...
01:14:08Really?
01:14:09Yeah.
01:14:10Let me take a look at that.
01:14:11Oh.
01:14:12Oh, that's impressive.
01:14:14It must have been painful.
01:14:16It was.
01:14:17For him, I bet.
01:14:18That guy.
01:14:20Hey!
01:14:21Waste of space.
01:14:22Yeah?
01:14:23What are the old people doing in the conference room?
01:14:24Huh?
01:14:25Heh.
01:14:26The old people.
01:14:27The three wrinkly amigos in the conference room.
01:14:29Oh, they're working on the app.
01:14:31Are you deaf or something?
01:14:32Frank said no to the app.
01:14:34He did say no, actually.
01:14:35Oh.
01:14:36Well, then I want in.
01:14:37Yeah, that's never happening.
01:14:39You've been trying to sabotage me since day one.
01:14:42You were so threatened that a woman could actually have some good ideas,
01:14:46and that those good ideas, my ideas,
01:14:48might just prove that you're a misogynist dressed up as a dumbass.
01:14:52A McDumbass.
01:14:57You're gonna regret that.
01:14:58Okay.
01:14:59Yeah.
01:15:00Mm.
01:15:03Fuck, man.
01:15:08I think we have our winner.
01:15:09Ooh.
01:15:10Yeah, I think you should read it.
01:15:12It even made Hank feel an emotion.
01:15:15I mean, this guy is saying that Spread helped him stay faithful to his wife
01:15:18for the entire five years he was deployed.
01:15:21Yeah.
01:15:22Of course, there is always this guy who had the Spread logo tattooed on his penis.
01:15:25Ew.
01:15:26Yeah.
01:15:27That's her father.
01:15:31Ugh.
01:15:33Fuck!
01:15:55Take this penicillin!
01:15:57Orson!
01:15:58Ruby!
01:15:59Lexi?
01:16:00Ruby!
01:16:02Oh, you're the ex-girlfriend.
01:16:04Yeah, lucky me.
01:16:05Orson, what the fuck are you doing?
01:16:07What you ask.
01:16:08Making porn!
01:16:09Why are you doing this in my apartment?
01:16:11I have a roommate.
01:16:12I have a roommate!
01:16:13Oh, I told you I was having trouble finding a location.
01:16:15You told me to figure it out.
01:16:16I figured it out.
01:16:18You still have my key?
01:16:19Oh, no, baby, always return the key.
01:16:21Look, you want these movies done by your deadline,
01:16:23you're gonna have to be a little flexible.
01:16:25Okay, can we just have a little chat without your penis inside of her?
01:16:28No, it's out.
01:16:29Are you sure?
01:16:30No, it isn't.
01:16:31Okay, now it's out.
01:16:32And I thought you were gonna hire some guy to help you do this,
01:16:34not do it yourself.
01:16:35Well, you didn't give me the money to hire some stunt cock,
01:16:38so I'm doing it gonzo,
01:16:40all from the guy's perspective holding the camera.
01:16:42Well, I need production value.
01:16:44What do you expect?
01:16:45I don't have any money for sets, crew, nothing.
01:16:47I had to pay Lexi with my own rent money.
01:16:49Totally worth it, by the way.
01:16:50Aww.
01:16:51Listen, I know I disappointed you as a boyfriend,
01:16:54but I will not disappoint you in this, okay, Ruby?
01:16:57I got this.
01:16:58I went to USC.
01:17:03Okay.
01:17:04Okay.
01:17:05Fine, just get the videos done, all right?
01:17:07And when you're finished, wash the fucking sheets, all right?
01:17:10And for the love of God, hand her the camera once in a while, okay?
01:17:13Change the POV.
01:17:15POV.
01:17:16POV, power.
01:17:18Power of vagina.
01:17:19That's good.
01:17:20Lexi, get familiar with the Zoom.
01:17:23And Orson, leave the damn key.
01:17:28You guys did this?
01:17:31You guys did this with no money?
01:17:33Everybody worked above and beyond.
01:17:35We did all of it for you, Frank.
01:17:38Let's party!
01:17:41I don't believe it.
01:17:43Here's to an amazing team.
01:17:47Ruby, a big thanks for shoving us into the modern world.
01:17:54Cheers.
01:17:55Cheers.
01:17:57Cheers.
01:18:03You're going to show Sizemore the bastard before the luau?
01:18:06That's the plan.
01:18:07No matter what happens, I'm proud of you.
01:18:11And no matter what happens, you will always be my favorite porn lord.
01:18:15Porn lord?
01:18:17Any title with the word lord in it, I accept.
01:18:20Are you okay?
01:18:22Yes, sir. A cappuccino will be there when you arrive.
01:18:25He's not here.
01:18:279 a.m. to Geneva. Yes, I got it.
01:18:29Wait a minute. Is that him, Mr. Sizemore?
01:18:31He's not interested.
01:18:33Sorry, sir. It's just her again.
01:18:35Did he tell you he's not interested?
01:18:37No. He actually said he doesn't give two shits.
01:18:40Fuck, that does sound like him.
01:18:43Yes, sir. Already done.
01:18:44I just hit my panic button. Security will be here momentarily.
01:18:47But I just need one minute with him to show him the numbers.
01:18:49Look, we made the app. We made the app, sir.
01:18:51We made the app, and it's great. Spread has value. It's worth saving.
01:18:55Security has tasers.
01:19:00Yes, sir. She's gone.
01:19:05Another 2,000 followers on Twitter.
01:19:07Awesome, Hank.
01:19:08Closed in AdWords.
01:19:10Another 2,000 followers on Twitter.
01:19:12Awesome, Hank.
01:19:13Closed in AdDeal with smashmydaddy.com.
01:19:15Great.
01:19:16The processing speed of the UI functionality.
01:19:18English.
01:19:19It's fast.
01:19:20Perfect.
01:19:21Someone pissing your coffee again?
01:19:22No. No, I'm just tired.
01:19:23Well, I can fix that.
01:19:24How about dinner? Cadillac margaritas in my place.
01:19:27Are you asking me out on a date?
01:19:29We can call it a drunken sex rendezvous.
01:19:31A couple of alcoholics.
01:19:32I can't tonight, Thomas. I'm sorry. Another time, okay?
01:19:35Yeah. Whatever.
01:19:53Why aren't you ready for the party?
01:19:54I can't go, Whit. I can't.
01:19:56I can't watch my friends get fired.
01:20:00My friends get fired.
01:20:02And Thomas asked me out on like a real date-ish.
01:20:06And it's just, it's all too weird.
01:20:08I'm going to be home soon and I'm not going alone.
01:20:11You need to get drunk, be there for your friends when they get fucked,
01:20:14and then come to terms with your feelings for Thomas and get fucked yourself.
01:20:18I wish it were that simple.
01:20:20Look on the bright side.
01:20:21You now have major experience.
01:20:23You're going to get the job that's sophisticated
01:20:25and no one will ever know you worked at Spread.
01:20:28Yeah.
01:20:29Oh, dude. You can't let it go down like this.
01:20:32There has to be a way.
01:20:34Downloads are off the charts.
01:20:36Our engagement metrics are through the roof.
01:20:38Revenue is climbing.
01:20:40But that asshole, Sizemore, who's going to be at the luau.
01:20:43So he can fire everybody.
01:20:45Yeah, he doesn't give a shit.
01:20:47I mean, unless I could,
01:20:49unless I could figure out a way to show him at the party in front of everyone.
01:20:52But I mean, is that insane?
01:20:54Absolutely insane and I love it.
01:20:57Now go get ready. I'll be home soon.
01:21:23I'm going to go find Sizemore.
01:21:25I'm going for the bar.
01:21:28Ruby, I was looking for you.
01:21:30Hi, Hank.
01:21:31I wanted to ask you a question.
01:21:32Yeah, can I talk to you one minute?
01:21:34Okay, I don't have a lot of family on my own.
01:21:37Right, and I don't mean to interrupt you, but...
01:21:39And when you get to be older like me,
01:21:41you start worrying about certain things, like dying.
01:21:44Oh, wow, Hank.
01:21:46Let me finish.
01:21:47I have an elderly companion.
01:21:51Well, Shirley is a real pain in the ass, but I love her.
01:21:55What are you going to do?
01:21:56Well, when I die, I want somebody to care for her.
01:22:00I think you know where this is going.
01:22:02I don't.
01:22:03I'm wondering if you would look after Shirley when I'm gone.
01:22:08Um...
01:22:11My cat?
01:22:13Shirley's my cat.
01:22:16Oh!
01:22:18Yes, yes, Hank, no problem, okay?
01:22:20Don't you worry.
01:22:21Okay.
01:22:22Okay.
01:22:23Off you go.
01:22:24Do you want some water?
01:22:25No.
01:22:26Oh, shoot, sorry.
01:22:28My hands are so sticky.
01:22:30From the margarita, silly.
01:22:32Okay.
01:22:36Grave party.
01:22:37I got laid.
01:22:38Ruby, Ruby!
01:22:39My videos are getting thousands of views.
01:22:41I'm basically like the handsome Ron Jeremy.
01:22:44We'll talk more about it later.
01:22:45That's not good.
01:22:49Aloha!
01:22:54Ruby.
01:22:55Ruby, you look perfect.
01:22:59I purchased these for you.
01:23:01Don't eat them.
01:23:02They're toxic to ingest.
01:23:04Okay, I won't.
01:23:05What's up, hot stuff?
01:23:07You want to go fool around in the swag closet?
01:23:14May I have those back?
01:23:15Oh, wait.
01:23:16Oh, Nelson, I'm so sorry.
01:23:17What do you say?
01:23:18A shag in the swag?
01:23:20No, no, gross.
01:23:22Okay, if I freaked you out about asking you to go to dinner,
01:23:24then we can go back to Hey Fuck.
01:23:26No, no, I don't hate you, Thomas.
01:23:27I just, I have to go find Sizemore.
01:23:30Oh, hey, Ruby Doobie.
01:23:31Grave party.
01:23:32I can't talk right now, Dad.
01:23:33I just...
01:23:34All right.
01:23:36Get out of my way.
01:23:37Check your Instagram.
01:23:39What?
01:23:40Yeah.
01:23:43What the fuck?
01:23:45You hacked my account?
01:23:47Yeah.
01:23:48And you spelled love with a U?
01:23:50That's right.
01:23:51Check TikTok, Twitter, LinkedIn.
01:23:53What the fuck?
01:23:55That's right, guys.
01:23:56She's ashamed to spread.
01:23:57No, I'm not.
01:23:58You think we all suck.
01:24:00Guys, don't listen to him.
01:24:01He's an asshole.
01:24:02Okay, I'm an asshole.
01:24:04Boom.
01:24:05Ruby, I can't believe I fucked him.
01:24:08Whitney, at least it wasn't Orson.
01:24:10Ruby, I jumped from one sleaze bag to another.
01:24:13This place is disgusting.
01:24:14Everybody here is so gross.
01:24:18No.
01:24:19Thank you very much.
01:24:20No, no, no, no, no.
01:24:21You guys, you guys, please.
01:24:22You have to believe me.
01:24:23I said that such a long time ago.
01:24:24It's before I knew you.
01:24:25I was so closed-minded.
01:24:26Please, you have to forgive me.
01:24:28What the fuck is your problem?
01:24:30You're my fucking problem.
01:24:32Okay, you might have everybody else here, fool, but not me.
01:24:34You should just leave.
01:24:36Nobody wants you here.
01:24:37You don't belong.
01:24:40Hank, I'm sorry.
01:24:41I didn't...
01:24:44You're a piece of shit.
01:24:49Fucking great.
01:24:52You're fired.
01:24:54Are you serious?
01:24:56Well, then fuck, I quit.
01:24:58Ruby.
01:24:59Marsha.
01:25:01Funny seeing you here.
01:25:03Yeah, yeah, you too.
01:25:04I just came because, um...
01:25:07It's a crazy party, right?
01:25:09Yeah, pretty crazy.
01:25:11I'm glad I ran into you.
01:25:12I mentioned that the job was down to two candidates.
01:25:16I have to tell you something.
01:25:17I know that I told you that I worked for the Atlantic, but I lied.
01:25:22I don't work for the Atlantic.
01:25:24I work here at Spread.
01:25:26I know.
01:25:27And that's exactly why you're not the candidate that's getting the job.
01:25:31Yeah, I figured.
01:25:34Spread's a real career killer, isn't it?
01:25:36No, it isn't.
01:25:38But lying is.
01:25:41You shouldn't assume you know what people want.
01:25:46Frank.
01:25:47Marsha.
01:25:48There you are.
01:25:49Attention, everyone.
01:25:51Mr. Sizemore has an announcement.
01:25:53Dad?
01:25:55Ecstasy?
01:25:56Oh, hi, sweetie.
01:25:57You've met Ecstasy.
01:25:59Um, you two should talk.
01:26:01Um, talk.
01:26:04What the fuck is going on?
01:26:05I'm sorry.
01:26:06We should have told you sooner, and I realize we shouldn't mix business and pleasure,
01:26:09so I guess it runs in the family, huh?
01:26:10That's not funny.
01:26:11I like Thomas, and I can see you're happy, even if you would have been it.
01:26:14Listen, Ruby, since we've been hanging out together at Spread, I feel so alive.
01:26:18And being with Ecstasy has made me feel 30 years younger.
01:26:22Dad, I don't know.
01:26:23I'm happy you're happy, but this is just a lot.
01:26:25I know, sweetie, but sometimes things happen, and you gotta just do what feels right, you know?
01:26:30Yeah.
01:26:32Yeah, it's true.
01:26:33Please calm down.
01:26:34I gotta go.
01:26:35Hey, family vacations are gonna be fun, huh?
01:26:37Great, great.
01:26:39Okay, bye.
01:26:42Hey, I'm really so sorry to interrupt, Mr. Sizemore, but I just wanted to make sure you saw this.
01:26:50Okay, you know what?
01:26:53Yes, it's true.
01:26:54When I first came here, I thought Spread was disgusting.
01:26:59And, you know, granted, that's partially because I was asked to organize dildos on the first day, but you didn't need to know that.
01:27:06Anyway, when I got here, I was jobless, and I had nothing.
01:27:11I judged these people for what they did for a living.
01:27:15But the truth is, these people work harder, and they take more pride in their jobs than most normal people I know.
01:27:23I mean, you know what I mean.
01:27:27I came here lost, and I really, really needed somebody to believe in me.
01:27:33And I think Spread needed someone to believe in them.
01:27:37And I'm really happy we found each other.
01:27:40You know what? The relationships in my life have never been better.
01:27:42I mean, my dad, he's found love, it seems, which is great for him.
01:27:49My ex-boyfriend is finally getting into film.
01:27:53Maybe not in the way he thought, but honestly, in a way that makes sense for him.
01:27:59And I met somebody who I actually have a real connection with for the first time in my life.
01:28:08So, yeah, I can't believe I'm saying this, but this place is pretty fucking amazing.
01:28:14But most importantly, Spread is a fucking goldmine.
01:28:19It's a goldmine. I mean, anybody could see it.
01:28:22Since our launch, revenue is up over 200%.
01:28:25But unfortunately, it doesn't matter, because Mr. Sizemore is just going to flush it all away.
01:28:30Which is funny, because I thought, if nothing else, you were a smart businessman.
01:28:35But I guess I was wrong.
01:28:38So, yeah, I just wanted to tell you that you're making a huge mistake, and that it's been real.
01:28:48I'm with her.
01:28:50If you can't see what these kids and Hank are capable of doing, then you have no need to fire me.
01:28:59I quit.
01:29:20Hello, everyone.
01:29:27I just wanted you all to have a good night.
01:29:29Cheers.
01:29:31Wait, what?
01:29:35You're annoying, but I think you have what it takes.
01:29:37I'm going to invest in you. You have one year to turn Spread around.
01:29:40Do not disappoint me.
01:29:45Off.
01:29:46Sorry, sorry.
01:29:48Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Sizemore. You won't regret this.
01:29:51So, I didn't really mean I quit when I said I quit. I quit.
01:29:56Are you going to hug me, too?
01:29:57Oh, God, no. You're terrifying.
01:30:00Then your job is safe. For now.
01:30:06We did it.
01:30:07No, you did it, kid. And I'm so proud of you.
01:30:12I think that means it's time to spread this party wide open.
01:30:17Let's party.
01:30:22Lee's bag incoming.
01:30:23Oh, no, Thomas. I'm sorry.
01:30:25Oh, that's okay. I think you made up for it.
01:30:29Oh, Nelson.
01:30:49Would you like these florals?
01:30:50They look nice on you.
01:30:53Would you like these florals?
01:30:55They look nice but are toxic to ingest.
01:30:58I love orchids.
01:31:00You have pretty teeth.
01:31:02I like your hair.
01:31:04What's your favorite animal?
01:31:06This is Timmy. He can't hurt me anymore.
01:31:10Hi, Timmy.
01:31:12Beatles or Stones on three. One, two, three.
01:31:15Coldplay.
01:31:23Morning, bud.
01:31:25Oh, my God, P. Roger?
01:31:27No, Tally.
01:31:28I can't wait for the Bachelorette.
01:31:30Hey, how's Shirley?
01:31:31Yeah, still alive.
01:31:33Ooh, looking good, you guys.
01:31:35Morning, Glory.
01:31:36Oh, you wish.
01:31:38Beyond proud of you.
01:31:40Oh, gosh.
01:31:41You gonna get out on time? Rezzo's a firm 8 p.m.
01:31:43Yes, we gotta celebrate.
01:31:45It's on your dad.
01:31:46Hey, Rubes, guess what?
01:31:49We're up 37%.
01:31:51Size Water Bastard gave the thumbs up to keep going.
01:31:54That's amazing, Frank. Dream team.
01:32:00There she is, the queen of porn.
01:32:02Hey, that's my title.
01:32:03Oh, right, sorry.
01:32:04We have a special announcement and we wanted you to be the first to know.
01:32:08Okay.
01:32:09My squirter still works.
01:32:11We're having a baby.
01:32:15I'll get the saltines.
01:32:17Can you believe I'm gonna be a dad?
01:32:20Cool, dad.
01:32:22Is that right?
01:32:43Fuck yeah.
01:32:47Yeah.