What About Dick (2012)

Super Cult Cinema
Super Cult Cinema
  • last month
for full movies and reviews follow us on:

www.supercultcinema.com

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@scc-classicmovies/featured

X: https://x.com/SuperCultCinema

Dailymotion: https://dailymotion.com/sccinema

Rumble: https://rumble.com/c/c-6464538

Odysse: https://odysee.com/@scc-classicmovies:9

Welcome to Super Cult Cinema, where classic movies meet contemporary classics! Dive into a world of timeless films, spanning decades and genres, curated for cinephiles like you. From Hollywood classics to international masterpieces, we've got it all. Join us as we celebrate the art of cinema and explore the stories that have captured our hearts and minds for generations. Subscribe now to embark on a journey through the rich tapestry of cinematic history. Don't miss out on our latest uploads, exclusive content, and curated playlists. Get ready to experience the magic of movies like never before with Super Cult Cinema!
Transcript
00:00:00Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another edition of All That Matters.
00:00:29Tonight's cinema for sound features What About Dick, an emotion picture for radio which tells
00:00:54the story of the decline and fall of the British Empire as seen through the eyes of a piano.
00:01:00So will you welcome, please, tonight's fantastic cast.
00:01:30Yes, it's time once again for the cinema of sound to transport you across the radio waves to bring you What About Dick.
00:01:53Once upon a time, there were two sisters who lived with our Aunt Maggie in a rambling old
00:01:59Edwardian novel in Kensington. Emma, the older, was an emotionally repressed English girl who
00:02:05spent all day staring out of the window dreaming of a submissive role in a sick relationship with
00:02:10an older sadomasochistic Englishman. Helena, her younger sister, was a dark-haired foxy minx
00:02:17who stole umbrellas to repress her sexual urges. What's a minx? Is it an Egyptian thing? No dear,
00:02:24that's the sphinx. Oh, I thought that was the backside of something. No dear, that's the sphincter.
00:02:31Anyway, these two sisters lived together in a two-story novel with our Aunt Maggie,
00:02:36an amateur dipsomaniac who spent the afternoons in Hampstead under a young Austrian doctor.
00:02:42His name is Freud, Roger Freud, he's licensed in massage and colonics.
00:02:48And who exactly are you? I am the narrator of this tale. Everyone in this story has touched me
00:02:56and played with me and run their fingers over me until I rang with joy.
00:03:02For you see, I am a piano. A piano narrating the story? Yes. Furniture doesn't narrate stories.
00:03:09I'm not furniture, I'm an instrument. Well that's stupid. Are we to have Macbeth narrated by the
00:03:14bagpipe or Les Mis told by the French horns? Look, it's my fucking play and I'll play a piano if I want to.
00:03:22Anyway, this is the story of a piano.
00:03:28Hedlunds, is that the time? The 3rd of August, 1910. Evening Star at Standard, read all about it,
00:03:34another headless human found half-eaten in Hound's Ditch. Oh dear, not the Ripper again. No, this one's
00:03:42the mutilator. Apparently he eats his victims. Oh, how disgusting. Just then, the Reverend Whoopsie
00:03:48walked into the door. Ouch. Walked into the doorway. Oh, sorry. Hello ladies, do I intrude?
00:04:04Not from this angle, Mr Whoopsie. The Reverend Whoopsie is a, well he's a... Well he's a single
00:04:14clergyman who's kindly disposed to all men. Especially working men who I adore above all
00:04:21and put on a pedestal and offer five shillings to. Your Christianity does you credit, Whoopsie.
00:04:28Let us not forget our Lord himself had 12 little male friends, all sailors and nobody said a word.
00:04:38Have you seen Dick? Not for ages, Mr Whoopsie. Not since a coming out ball turned unexpectedly
00:04:46fruity. I know, I think he means your nephew Dick. Oh, oh dear. Yes, oh he's coming down today from
00:04:53Oxford. I wondered if he'd like to come camping with me. I'd love a weekend of Dick.
00:05:02I've always found 20 minutes quite sufficient.
00:05:08Helena, why don't you play something for Mr Whoopsie on your harp? I hate the harp. I'm
00:05:13sick of plucking. Well you should try a mouth organ like Dick's so you can suck and... Yes, yes, yes,
00:05:20thank you Emma. Why don't you sing us one of your Victorian ballads? Right-o.
00:05:31Blow me a kiss in the moonlight. Blow me a kiss in the dawn.
00:05:42Blow me down, I never knew I would dare. Now must I swallow
00:05:55my pride while I'm there. Heavens, he's coming inside now.
00:06:04He's coming to make me his own. In these cold marble halls where the men hold their balls.
00:06:18Why must I always be all alone?
00:06:22Lovely dear, just lovely. At that moment they spotted Dick, a young man with floppy hair,
00:06:38bee-stung lips and a strangely ambivalent sexuality. One of those impossibly pretty
00:06:44English boys with ravish me bedroom eyes and bathroom legs and drawing room thighs. Yes,
00:06:49thank you piano, I think we get it. Dick! Hello everybody. Hello Whoopsie. Hello Emma,
00:06:55old sausage. Hello Dick. What are you reading at Oxford, Dick? Beauty on the Mountie. That's
00:07:02Mutiny on the Bounty. Sorry. How's the umbrella thing, Helena? Oh, Dick.
00:07:12Why does she take umbrellas? Well it's just female hysteria, dear. She needs a little
00:07:17brodgering in Hampstead. Oh, he has a new machine called the Happy Trappy, which relieves all my
00:07:24female tension. How does it work? Well I lie down and he attaches it to me. Where? Well in Hampstead.
00:07:34I say, Dick, do you fancy a weekend in Norfolk? Golly, sounds a bit dull. Well yes it is a bit
00:07:40dull, but we can play tiddlywinks. Oh yes, that sounds spiffing. Splendid. If you'll excuse me.
00:07:46Mind the umbrellas. Ouch. Good heavens. Look, it's Mr Hudson coming here to this very house to
00:07:55meet me for the very first time and perhaps to fall hopelessly in love with me, which he will
00:08:00not be able to express because he is English and cannot mention emotions, and has a beastly sick
00:08:04wife who cannot satisfy his perfectly normal manly urges, which could very easily be satisfied with
00:08:10some cold cream, a hand towel and a copy of the Guinness Book of Records. Thank you Aunt Maggie.
00:08:17I hope I don't disturb you ladies. Hey you visitor, I'm not a lady. Oh forgive me, it is your hairstyle.
00:08:26My name is Hudson, I am in the rubber. Oh really, are you wearing it? No, no, no, not wearing it,
00:08:31it is my business. Well of course it's your business what you wear. No, no, no, it's my,
00:08:36it's my business, it's my business. Mr Hudson is the owner of the Hudson Rubber Company.
00:08:41Oh, the manufacturer of the Happy Trappy. Well I find it most satisfactory,
00:08:47although occasionally I do miss the disappointment of a real man.
00:08:54Mr Hudson discovered those gadgets in India. He saw the future of rubber and embraced it.
00:08:58How precisely this woman understands me, and how perfectly lovely she is with her warm eyes,
00:09:03her rosy lips and a firm, welcoming, cuddly, bouncy. I can hear you Mr Hudson.
00:09:08Very sorry Miss Schlegel. Have you seen Dick Mr Hudson? There's quite a lot in India.
00:09:16No, no, this is Dick, he's at Oxford. Oh, what is he reading? The Three Musty Queers.
00:09:24The Three Musketeers. Sorry, yes, no. I read French philosophy,
00:09:29trouble was it was all in French, didn't get a word of it. Mr Hudson, you're such a card.
00:09:38Yes, yes, well we mustn't spend all day doing that. This isn't America.
00:10:02How very witty Mr Hudson is, and he has such lovely eyes, and such manly thighs,
00:10:11and such eloquent hips, and such a big foot. I can hear you Miss Schlegel.
00:10:14Oh, sorry. Well I must be off, I need to lubricate a new oiler for my jigger.
00:10:19I have no idea how that sounds. It sounds so romantic.
00:10:24Dick, Dick, what about Dick? Is there some dreadful mystery hidden in his history?
00:10:34Dick, Dick, his mile is short of yards. I don't think he is playing from a full deck of cards.
00:10:41Everybody likes Dick, everybody wants Dick, though he seems to be a sandwich short of a picnic.
00:10:48Dick, Dick's a cappuccino with no foam. The lights are on, but is there really anybody home?
00:11:00Those boys in the pub seem to take a real shine to you, Dick. Dick, has anyone ever told you
00:11:07about the birds and the bees? I'm 26.
00:11:11Oh, but did anybody ever tell you about the birds and the birds?
00:11:20No. Well, Dick, remember when we were very young in the nursery with Nanny,
00:11:27being violently incontinent, and we were like Peter Pan. We never wanted to grow up.
00:11:35Yes. Well, when Peter comes fluttering in through the bedroom window,
00:11:39he wants Wendy, but not for a wife. He's looking for a mummy for the lost boys.
00:11:45You are one of the lost boys, Dick. Because I have no mummy.
00:11:49Because you are different, Dick. Lost boys are not so much lost as hiding.
00:11:55From whom? From the cruel world of Dick,
00:11:59which frowns on boys trying on Tiger Lily's flimsy dresses,
00:12:04or borrowing makeup from Tinkerbell, or going out hunting for rough male pirates.
00:12:11Let me put it another way. When Oscar Wilde talks of a love that dare not speak its name...
00:12:17What's that? Well, it's male love.
00:12:20No, no, not that. That. There, on the beach.
00:12:25Oh, good heavens. It's a piano. What's it doing on the beach?
00:12:31Sounds like Rachmaninoff. I am going to give this piano
00:12:37to the working classes. Why?
00:12:40Because they need some new instruments. But I saw it first.
00:12:43Then we shall call it the Dick Piano for the Working Classes.
00:12:50Hey, Bert. Yes, Ken.
00:12:52See that piano? Yeah.
00:12:54What's it doing on the beach? Well, perhaps it fell off the back of the Titanic.
00:12:59Maybe it's a symbol. No, it's definitely a piano.
00:13:04Hey, you two idiots. Yes, come.
00:13:07What's your name? Bertrand Russell.
00:13:10The philosopher? No, sir.
00:13:12Bertrand Russell, the furniture remover. Oh, well.
00:13:15I want you to remove this piano to London. I'm going to give it to the working classes.
00:13:21Wow. I'm sure they'll be thrilled.
00:13:24All 25 million of them. You're okay, Ken.
00:13:27You've gone a bit pale. There's something oddly familiar
00:13:30about this piano, Bert. What?
00:13:32I've seen it before. Where?
00:13:33In India. When I was in the regiment.
00:13:36It was August 1898. A stinking hot day in Shaggistan.
00:13:43What's going on? He's having a flashback.
00:13:46Oh, dear. Can you stop him?
00:13:49Too late, sir. It's started.
00:13:52I was in British India in Shaggistan with the Queen's own Gay Gordons.
00:13:56A cross-dressing British regiment sent to raise morale on the northwest frontier.
00:14:01We were 100 men under Lord Darling, guarding the back passage to India.
00:14:07One day, I've come across a local man by the name of Deepak Rushdie Obey Ben Kingsley.
00:14:14And he was making something rather special.
00:14:21There, that is it. It is finished.
00:14:23What is it, Deepak? Well, what does it look like?
00:14:26Well, looks like a dick.
00:14:29Exactly. In fact, it is a dick, but a toy one for women.
00:14:32What kind of toy? A toy women can play with.
00:14:35Where? In their privates.
00:14:37What would they do with it? Well, they could sit on it.
00:14:43You mean... Yes.
00:14:45Good grief, you're a monster. No, rest assured, Sergeant,
00:14:49women will enjoy this little toy. Well, I can't believe that any woman...
00:14:53Oh, yes, they will. You may be shocked, Sergeant, but you're looking here at the future.
00:14:58Hitherto, these little private toys have been made only in merchant ivory.
00:15:02But now, look you. Rubber.
00:15:05Much more flexible, much more easily sat on.
00:15:10You are very naive, Sergeant. There is a shining future for the personal stimulator.
00:15:14You see, I believe that one day every woman will have one of these things.
00:15:16They'll have models in all shapes and sizes that will make different things,
00:15:19and they will shake, and they will vibrate, and they will buzz.
00:15:22They will be called the American Happy Boy, the Old Colonial Ghetto Blaster,
00:15:26Slippery Sid, Black Beauty, Oh, Calcutta.
00:15:29And your dick will be useful for a little while yet, Sergeant.
00:15:32But when push comes to shove,
00:15:34it will be nothing compared to one of these little rubber things.
00:15:36And that... That is the future, then.
00:15:39And then the Hudson Rubber Company will be worth a fortune,
00:15:42and I will get a proper Indian accent.
00:15:45This... Yes, this I believe.
00:15:59Morning, Colonel, darling.
00:16:01Morning, Sergeant. Has Drag Night coming along?
00:16:05Oh, the men are very much looking forward to it, sir.
00:16:07They've been up all night sewing their frocks.
00:16:09Is there any finer sight than a regiment of young British men in full drag?
00:16:16By God, it must terrify the enemy.
00:16:19Scares the shit out of me, sir.
00:16:22Good grief.
00:16:23What is it, Sergeant?
00:16:24Over there, sir. In the scrub.
00:16:26What is that?
00:16:28Looks like a piano, sir.
00:16:29Beware, sir, my lord darling.
00:16:31This piano could well bring about the collapse of the entire British Empire.
00:16:34What?
00:16:35Oh, don't mind Deepak, sir.
00:16:37He's always predicting the future.
00:16:38Last week, he foresaw Sarah Palin.
00:16:43What's that?
00:16:44Some kind of British comedian, I think, sir.
00:16:47And then only last night, he foresaw the Kardashians.
00:16:50Is that some kind of disease?
00:16:55Yes, it is.
00:17:03And you should see his little dick.
00:17:05I beg your pardon?
00:17:06He's got a little rubber toy, sir,
00:17:08that apparently women will put up their hoochie coochie.
00:17:10That's quite enough of that.
00:17:13Take this piano back to camp.
00:17:15It will make its debut tonight at the regimental fancy dress ball.
00:17:19Oh, no, sir, I beg you.
00:17:21Rivers will run with blood.
00:17:22The rain will leave its nest.
00:17:23Frogs will fall from the sky.
00:17:25And lambs will give birth to little tadpoles.
00:17:27And the owl will hoot at night.
00:17:28The owl always hoots at night.
00:17:31This one will hoot in French.
00:17:33Oh, shut up, Deepak.
00:17:36And, Sergeant, sir, I want to see you in my tent the minute we get back.
00:17:41Uh, might be a few minutes after, sir.
00:17:43Why?
00:17:43I'll have to take a Donald.
00:17:45A what?
00:17:46A Donald Trump.
00:17:49Oh, a dump.
00:17:52So I was taken back to camp by the Piano Wallers,
00:17:55a small hill tribe used by the Scots gays for moving furniture,
00:18:00while Sergeant Russell took a Donald and hurried off to meet Lord Darling.
00:18:05It's a tent.
00:18:07Oh, sorry.
00:18:10You wanted to see me, sir?
00:18:11Ah, yes, Sergeant.
00:18:13Come in.
00:18:14The thing is, I wanted a little talk with you.
00:18:17Because there's something I want to get off my chest.
00:18:20That ugly picture of your wife, sir?
00:18:23No, my own chest.
00:18:25Not off the furniture.
00:18:26Perhaps it's just a bad angle, sir.
00:18:30It's from the front.
00:18:32Exactly.
00:18:34Sergeant, I'm trying to tell you something personal.
00:18:37But you know how we English people are with emotions.
00:18:40We don't have any, sir?
00:18:41No, we have some.
00:18:43But we don't share them.
00:18:45We're not a touchy-feely race.
00:18:47Like the Nigerians.
00:18:50What?
00:18:52Look, this may just be sentimental tosh,
00:18:56but I have been having feelings about something, well, a little private.
00:19:01Any little private we know, sir.
00:19:05It feels a bit awkward.
00:19:07I mean, after all, we're in the army.
00:19:09Yes, it's fairly common in the Navy, sir.
00:19:13It's just that if anything should happen to me, Sergeant,
00:19:16and this is really important,
00:19:19I should like you to...
00:19:22What?
00:19:23What did he say?
00:19:24Well, that's just it.
00:19:25I can't remember.
00:19:26You can't remember?
00:19:27Just that it was very important.
00:19:29Well, how could you possibly forget?
00:19:31Because that night,
00:19:32when the piano appeared at the regimental transvestite ball,
00:19:36something terrible happened.
00:19:38Good evening, Major Dickhead.
00:19:40That...
00:19:42That's de Haard.
00:19:45What?
00:19:46It's spelled Dickhead, but it's pronounced de Haard.
00:19:50Oh, sorry.
00:19:56Splendid sight, isn't it?
00:19:58All these chaps in their frocks.
00:20:00Stimulating.
00:20:02Fancy a stiff one?
00:20:04I already have one.
00:20:07Lovely gown.
00:20:09Sorry to interrupt this gay banter, sir,
00:20:12but there's a bit of trouble in the camp.
00:20:14What sort of trouble?
00:20:15One of the civilians has been eaten.
00:20:16Beaten?
00:20:17No, sir.
00:20:18Eaten.
00:20:18Eaten, as in the public school,
00:20:21founded in 1440 by Henry VI, part three?
00:20:25No, sir.
00:20:26Eaten as in tucked into a nice sandwich,
00:20:28nibble, nibble, nibble, part chewed.
00:20:30Good grief.
00:20:32Shall I cancel the ball?
00:20:33Good lord, no need to do that.
00:20:35The chaps have been up all night selling their dresses.
00:20:38Right-o, sir.
00:20:39But I wish I had,
00:20:41because shortly after the spot dance,
00:20:42when Corporal Higgins had just won best frock
00:20:45for a beautiful hand-embroidered ball gown,
00:20:47all hell broke loose.
00:20:49It should have been me.
00:20:50It was mine.
00:20:50My frock was much better than yours.
00:20:52No, mine had no holes in it.
00:20:53The old duckie horses were still rubbish.
00:20:54I don't know what you're doing.
00:20:55But this terrible bickering was soon silenced...
00:21:02...by a deadly attack.
00:21:04What sort of enemy attacks during drag night?
00:21:09And I'll tell you one thing, Sergeant.
00:21:12Before I die,
00:21:14there is a place far off in the future
00:21:17where the wind blows off the mountains
00:21:20and people will be kind and good
00:21:24and respect one another
00:21:26and be decent and fair.
00:21:28America, sir?
00:21:29No, not America.
00:21:30America is a country of love.
00:21:32America, sir?
00:21:33No, not America.
00:21:35Holland.
00:21:41But there aren't any mountains in Holland.
00:21:42What?
00:21:43Well, there's canals and dikes and red light districts
00:21:45with hookahs in the windows, but no mountains.
00:21:47The mountains are a metaphor.
00:21:49But Holland is noted for being flat.
00:21:51It doesn't matter.
00:21:52Well, it matters because if the metaphor is to signify,
00:21:55it must be appropriate to the comparison.
00:21:57No, no.
00:21:57You see, a metaphor is by definition
00:22:00a comparison between two different things.
00:22:03That's a simile.
00:22:08But the argument was never resolved.
00:22:12Lord Darling took a terrible wound.
00:22:15I'm done for, Sergeant.
00:22:17Don't forget your promise.
00:22:20Oh, I won't, sir.
00:22:23But I did.
00:22:24In the morning, there are only three survivors.
00:22:26Me, Deepak and this piano.
00:22:31Look, there's Helena Schlegel walking down Bond Street.
00:22:35Helena.
00:22:36Hello, Reverend Whoopsie.
00:22:37Is the flashback over?
00:22:39Yes, thank God.
00:22:40How was the weekend with Dick?
00:22:42Marvellous.
00:22:43We played games.
00:22:44Who won?
00:22:46Dick came first.
00:22:48It was such fun, Helena.
00:22:50I hardly knew I had it in me.
00:22:53Then Dick found this piano on the beach.
00:22:57Oh, it's a beauty.
00:22:58Isn't it?
00:22:59We're giving it to the workers.
00:23:01Oh, not to me, Dick.
00:23:03Mr Whoopsie says the workers need some new instruments.
00:23:06But it's such a beautiful piano.
00:23:08You might have thought of me.
00:23:09Whoopsie was very insistent.
00:23:11Apparently, he has a young man in mind.
00:23:13Why don't you come along and meet him tonight
00:23:16at the Royal Workingmen's Club?
00:23:22Oh, dear God.
00:23:25Oh, sweet Jesus.
00:23:27Shit, Christ, hell, fuck.
00:23:29Will it never end?
00:23:32I'm very pleased to present the Dick piano
00:23:35for the working classes to Leonard Bastard.
00:23:40So what do you think, Helena?
00:23:41I think it's monstrous.
00:23:42Why on earth did you choose him?
00:23:44Well, look at him.
00:23:46He's beautiful.
00:23:47But he can't play the piano to save his life.
00:23:50Congratulations, Lenny.
00:23:52Thank you very much, Reverend.
00:23:54Leonard, this is Helena Schlegel.
00:23:57Very nice to meet you.
00:23:58I'm Miss Schlegel.
00:23:59How much do you want for the piano?
00:24:00Oh, no, I couldn't possibly part with it.
00:24:02I'll give you 100 guineas.
00:24:04Heavens, that's more than me wife makes in a year.
00:24:06You're married?
00:24:07Oh, so clever, little ducky-wucky.
00:24:10Come on, Lenny, give us a smack of that.
00:24:14This is Enid.
00:24:16Who's Enid?
00:24:17I'm Enid.
00:24:18She's your mother?
00:24:19No, she's me wife.
00:24:22Sorry, it's the light in here.
00:24:24Don't worry, Vicar.
00:24:25They're all for me.
00:24:26Lenny is starved.
00:24:27Why, what is it you do, Mrs. Baston?
00:24:30She has men over.
00:24:31And what does she do with them?
00:24:32None of your business.
00:24:34I make them happy.
00:24:35You should try it sometime.
00:24:37Enid!
00:24:38Ah!
00:24:41Ah!
00:24:42Stuck-up git!
00:24:44She's looking down her nose at us, Lenny.
00:24:49Golly, how awkward.
00:24:54Well, I must be off to play Hunt the Thimble with the Bishop of Taunton.
00:25:00Enjoy the piano, Lenny.
00:25:02Are we ever going to get that piano into our place?
00:25:05We'll manage, Samia.
00:25:06Well, we'll have to get a saw and cut it in half.
00:25:08150 guineas.
00:25:10I can't, I'd like to, miss, but it's more than me life's worth.
00:25:13Give me the address, then.
00:25:14It's at the bottom of Glenclose.
00:25:16I'll tell the Russell brothers.
00:25:17That's enhanced, it's miss.
00:25:20But you probably won't never have heard of it.
00:25:23Enid!
00:25:24Ah!
00:25:25She's only trying to help, girl.
00:25:26I don't trust her, Lenny.
00:25:29I don't like the way she's looking.
00:25:31At me?
00:25:31No, at the piano.
00:25:35Hey, you two idiots.
00:25:37Yes, miss?
00:25:37You're to take this piano to Kensington Gardens.
00:25:40This what?
00:25:40I think she means the piano.
00:25:41Oh, won't she fucking well say so?
00:25:44Well, she's a tough, but she has very nice teeth.
00:25:46Oh, she certainly does, yeah.
00:25:47Hurry up, you two working-class wankers, to Kensington.
00:25:50Kensington?
00:25:51I thought it was going around, Stitch.
00:25:53No, it's written, Houndsnitch, but it's pronounced Kensington.
00:25:58Oh, see?
00:25:59That's why she's a tough, and I'm just a country boy.
00:26:05Come on, then, war horse.
00:26:07Look, Lenny, there's the cart with our piano.
00:26:10That's not the way to go, Houndsnitch.
00:26:11I knew it.
00:26:12They're heading for Kensington.
00:26:14There's a mistake.
00:26:15Yeah, accepting pianos and whoopsie dickies is a mistake.
00:26:17Quick, after them.
00:26:18I'll call the police.
00:26:19No, no, no, no, not the police, Lenny.
00:26:23Think of my work.
00:26:25What is it exactly that you do?
00:26:27Well, I've told you, Lenny, it's a kind of therapy.
00:26:31But must they take their trousers off?
00:26:34We'll talk about that later, Lenny.
00:26:36No, I want to talk about it now.
00:26:38All right, Leonard.
00:26:41I'm an arse reader.
00:26:46You what?
00:26:48I tell people's fortunes.
00:26:50It's like palm reading, only I read their arse.
00:26:53Astrology.
00:26:59Exactly.
00:27:01And why do you have to work all the time?
00:27:03Because.
00:27:07I'm a simple girl from Houndsnitch.
00:27:10Arse reading's what I do.
00:27:13Bend over, drop your trousers, Len.
00:27:16I'll read your future, too.
00:27:20No.
00:27:21It's spotty little botty.
00:27:23Speaks volumes like a book.
00:27:26Bend over, my sweet Lenny dear, and let me take a look.
00:27:32Get out of it.
00:27:34Astrology, astrology.
00:27:39As old as the hills like geology.
00:27:44All that is written and will come to pass
00:27:48is buried down deep in your arse.
00:27:52Each little wrinkle and crinkle and dimple
00:27:56will foretell the future.
00:27:58It's really that simple.
00:28:00Look on the light side and not on the black side.
00:28:04Your face is your fortune, but so is your backside.
00:28:10Come on, Lenny.
00:28:11Astrology, astrology.
00:28:16It all sounds like hogwash and erotomy.
00:28:21I prefers psychology.
00:28:25Shut up and let me read your arse.
00:28:29So each little problem that's found on me mind
00:28:33is written down neatly upon my behind.
00:28:37The past, though completely and utterly gone,
00:28:41is plainly still written upon my sit-upon.
00:28:46Astrology, astrology.
00:28:55They say that whatever will be, will be.
00:28:59But whatever happens when time comes to push,
00:29:03the future is found in your tush, tush, tush.
00:29:13It's very late.
00:29:14Where can that neurotic girl be?
00:29:16Don't worry, Aunt Maggie.
00:29:17Here's Helena now, on a cart.
00:29:19Hey, Emma, look what I've got.
00:29:21Not more umbrellas.
00:29:22She's got a piano.
00:29:23Where on earth did you get it?
00:29:24A dick found it and gave it to me.
00:29:27Out of breath, out of breath.
00:29:28Excuse me.
00:29:31Yes?
00:29:31That's my piano.
00:29:33No, it's not.
00:29:33Oh, Helena, don't tell me.
00:29:34It's mine, Emma.
00:29:36Give it back to me or I shall call the police.
00:29:38Yeah, you tell her, Lenny.
00:29:40What exactly do you want?
00:29:42We want his piano, miss oity toity.
00:29:44Stand aside, you ruffians.
00:29:46Why, Mr Hudson?
00:29:47May I be of some assistance?
00:29:49This lady is nicking my piano.
00:29:51How dare you make scurrilous aspersions
00:29:53about a young, neurotic, upper-class woman.
00:29:56I shall thrash you, sir, with my umbrella.
00:29:58Oh, I will take that, thank you.
00:30:01Please, Mr Hudson, do not thrash him.
00:30:03He is working class.
00:30:04Oh, no, he fucking ain't.
00:30:05He ain't even working.
00:30:07I mean, Lenny's unemployed
00:30:09and we'll be forced to fetch the police
00:30:10Oh, give me that piano back.
00:30:12Stealing a piano in broad daylight.
00:30:14Oh, why, I've never heard the like of it.
00:30:17Oh, so help me.
00:30:18I never did in all of my boondays.
00:30:22Oh, blimey.
00:30:23Lord, have mercy.
00:30:24Crush me arse and hope to die.
00:30:34What is she?
00:30:35Some kind of Dickens festival?
00:30:37She is on crack cocaine.
00:30:40Get this woman out of here.
00:30:42Ooh, hello, Cuddlebutt.
00:30:46Do you know her?
00:30:47Uh, no.
00:30:49Absolutely not.
00:30:50Never seen her before in my life.
00:30:51You know this man, Enid?
00:30:52Yeah, he's a regular.
00:30:53Saturdays at eight.
00:30:54What is she talking about?
00:30:55Woman's mad.
00:30:56Come on, Enid, let's fetch the cops.
00:30:58You ever know the last of this?
00:31:00See you Saturday as usual, Dimplebutt.
00:31:03Can I ask you a favor, Mr. Hudson?
00:31:05That man, Lennon, who was just here, would you go after him?
00:31:07Go after him and offer to beat his lights out?
00:31:10No, offer him a job.
00:31:11What for?
00:31:12The piano was his.
00:31:13Helena took it.
00:31:14Oh, dear, that umbrella thing is getting much worse.
00:31:16Yes, and soon the police will be here,
00:31:18and they'll be an awful sting.
00:31:19Where is this piano?
00:31:20Over there on the cart.
00:31:22Hey, you two idiots.
00:31:23Yes, go for it.
00:31:24What's your name?
00:31:25Ken Russell.
00:31:26Don't I know you?
00:31:27Noah Jacob.
00:31:29This memory's gone.
00:31:31Noah Jacob.
00:31:32This memory's gone, sir.
00:31:33He can't remember anything since the Shaggy Star Massacre.
00:31:36Oh, I see.
00:31:37I want you to take this piano over to Trevor Howard's End.
00:31:40That is my country cottage in Norfolk.
00:31:42The piano will be safe there.
00:31:43Well, come on, war horse.
00:31:49And now, Emma, I will make my excuses,
00:31:51and I shall pursue Leonard Bastard
00:31:53to offer him a job in the accounting department.
00:31:56I don't know how to thank you, Mr. Hudson.
00:31:57Do not need to thank me unless, perhaps...
00:32:00Do you have a hairbrush?
00:32:01Yes, why?
00:32:04Nothing.
00:32:06She detains me with her eyes.
00:32:08I have a strong compulsion towards her.
00:32:09It's as if...
00:32:10It's as if I can read his thoughts.
00:32:11It's as if she can read my thoughts.
00:32:12That's because we are speaking out loud.
00:32:13Yes, I suppose so.
00:32:16So we are, still.
00:32:17Exactly.
00:32:17It's not as if...
00:32:18No, hardly at all.
00:32:19I'm just to think if something doesn't...
00:32:20No, of course it doesn't.
00:32:21What's the harm in that?
00:32:22Simply thinking.
00:32:23And fantasizing.
00:32:23Perfectly normal.
00:32:24You know what I'd like to do?
00:32:25I have an idea.
00:32:26I'd like to be a butler.
00:32:31A butler?
00:32:32In a great house.
00:32:33How odd.
00:32:34I too dream of serving.
00:32:35As a housekeeper?
00:32:36To serve alongside a man who likes order and discipline.
00:32:40Wearing...
00:32:40Wearing a simple black dress of silk, maybe?
00:32:43Yes.
00:32:44With tightly laced black corset underneath?
00:32:47Yes.
00:32:47Perhaps regulation black stockings?
00:32:49Oh, certainly.
00:32:50Ah!
00:32:56Forgive me, Miss Legle.
00:32:58I must just go and rearrange my furniture.
00:32:59Oh, heavens.
00:33:02These are new trousers.
00:33:03I'm just breaking them in for fit.
00:33:05So I see.
00:33:06Excuse me.
00:33:09Not so fast, you upper-class, middly-class pwnaggers.
00:33:13Allow me to introduce myself.
00:33:15I'm Private Dick, by the name of Inspector MacGuffin
00:33:17of the New Scotland Yard, Missing Furniture Division,
00:33:21including instruments, mouth organs, banjos and other such items
00:33:25lost from time to time and reported by the public to the police.
00:33:30Well, how do you do?
00:33:33I'll ask the fucking questions.
00:33:38Well, Inspector, I'm a very busy man.
00:33:39Could you possibly tell me what all this is about?
00:33:41Certainly.
00:33:42A young man from the workhouse, Leonard the Bastard,
00:33:44was given a piano for the Reverend Woopsie.
00:33:46I'm sorry, what?
00:33:47LAUGHTER
00:33:49A piano.
00:33:50A young laddie from the working class,
00:33:52apparently playing piano in the Royal MacWorthy Class Institute,
00:33:55young laddie with a great big hairstyle,
00:33:57took the piano contrary to all law.
00:34:00LAUGHTER
00:34:03To the Kensington Gardens,
00:34:05where a man identified later to be Hudson Rubbery Company,
00:34:08to wit, yourself,
00:34:10wants to take away the piano in secret in the same piano
00:34:13far away in a far distant place,
00:34:15arousing the suspicions of the Metropolitan Opera and the police,
00:34:19namely Inspector McGuffin,
00:34:21who's demanding the same of Mr Hudson,
00:34:23return of any information regarding the arrest of the same piano.
00:34:27APPLAUSE
00:34:36Could you just run that by me again?
00:34:38LAUGHTER
00:34:40Mr Hudson...
00:34:41Yes, I've got that bit.
00:34:43Do yous, or do yous know,
00:34:45have taken possession of the same young man Lenny Bastard's piano,
00:34:49purloining the same said piano for the contrary
00:34:52to all uses and practices for your own self-abuse,
00:34:55in your own words, please?
00:34:57I can honestly assure you, Inspector,
00:35:00I have no idea what you're talking about.
00:35:02LAUGHTER
00:35:03Oh, you haven't a wishy-wishy,
00:35:05nae clue, nae conceptuality whatsoever
00:35:07what I be talking about?
00:35:08Ah, are you offering us a holiday in Scotland?
00:35:11LAUGHTER
00:35:14I'm no offering yous a holiday in Scotland, you daft tit!
00:35:17Do you no understand any English?
00:35:19Where's the fucking piano?
00:35:20LAUGHTER
00:35:22What fucking piano?
00:35:24Don't come the raw prawn with me, sonny.
00:35:27I think he means piano.
00:35:28Oh, thanks for the transliteration,
00:35:30ye upper-tightly, upper-classy, emotionally retarded twat.
00:35:33LAUGHTER
00:35:36Well, do you honestly see any piano, Inspector?
00:35:39Don't be so fucking clever with Inspector MacGuffin, son.
00:35:42For the new...
00:35:44LAUGHTER
00:35:45For the new, I'll trouble you nae further,
00:35:48but I'm no through with you, big boy.
00:35:51So cheerio the new, my kin-spickled neighbour.
00:35:56And when the wee moose visits yer bag o' oatmeal,
00:36:00may it no return empty-handed.
00:36:03The more ye know, the less the better.
00:36:07Bee-bo-bobbity, I cock-a-loot-em.
00:36:11LAUGHTER
00:36:13CHEERING
00:36:15APPLAUSE
00:36:17CHEERING
00:36:19CHEERING
00:36:21LAUGHTER
00:36:23What an odd person.
00:36:25LAUGHTER
00:36:27Miss Schlegel, are you hungry? Would you like some dinner?
00:36:29Oh, gosh, yes, I'm starving.
00:36:31Well, let's eat tomorrow, say, at my country house in Norfolk.
00:36:33Oh, OK.
00:36:35Next day, while I was on the cart being driven up to Norfolk,
00:36:39Emma took the train to dine at Trevor Howard's Inn.
00:36:43TRAIN WHISTLE
00:36:45I was as excited as a little girl
00:36:47to be going up alone to visit the man of my dreams.
00:36:51I was as giggly as a giddy goose.
00:36:53To get away from my family and friends,
00:36:55I was feeling so very grown up when...
00:36:57Hello, Emma.
00:36:59Reverend Whoopsie.
00:37:01Surprise!
00:37:03What are you doing on this train?
00:37:05Aunt Maggie wanted to make sure you were safe.
00:37:07Oh, I'll be perfectly safe alone in a bedroom
00:37:09in a country cottage with an unhappily married man.
00:37:11Think of your reputation, dear.
00:37:13Aunt Maggie, you're here too?
00:37:15I love a train journey.
00:37:17All the jiggling about, it's like the happy boy.
00:37:21TRAIN WHISTLE
00:37:23Is that you, Dick?
00:37:25Hello, Emma. I've bought me mouth organ.
00:37:27And I can't wait to play my piano.
00:37:29Helen, are you as well?
00:37:31I've already found three umbrellas on the train.
00:37:33Get them back!
00:37:35No! The owners got off ages ago and we're here now.
00:37:37Spiggy Junction! Spiggy Junction!
00:37:39All change for Cobbler's Bottom,
00:37:41Wrigley in the Wart,
00:37:43Cuddlestrom under Pratt,
00:37:45Lower Neath's Bucket,
00:37:47Buttle's Landing,
00:37:49Downton Abbey,
00:37:51LAUGHTER
00:37:53Upper Prostate,
00:37:55Bingley Bongley,
00:37:57Lower Forking,
00:37:59And Spunky Cum Snotowall.
00:38:03Emma, welcome to Trevor Howard's end.
00:38:05Mr. Hudson, how kind of you to invite me.
00:38:07Us?
00:38:09What? Hello.
00:38:11Hello, Mr. H. Hello there.
00:38:13Oh, I didn't expect a bloody Spanish Inquisition.
00:38:15LAUGHTER
00:38:17APPLAUSE
00:38:27No, no, neither did I.
00:38:29They insisted on chaperoning me.
00:38:31Good grief, what do they think is going to happen?
00:38:33It's not as if we're going to run off
00:38:35into the woods and start playing Vicars and Nurses.
00:38:37No.
00:38:39Though I hear the woods can be very lovely
00:38:41this time of year. Especially with a picnic
00:38:43and some extra virgin olive oil.
00:38:46Well, look, please, all of you,
00:38:48why don't you just go and play with the farm machinery?
00:38:50Um, I have to go
00:38:52and poison some rats.
00:38:54May I help you poison rats, Mr. Hudson?
00:38:56Very kind of you, Emma, but it's best
00:38:58left to a man, this job.
00:39:00Yes, what's more natural on a Saturday afternoon
00:39:02than a good game of poisoning rats?
00:39:04Especially if you can't... Precisely, it's very...
00:39:06Healthy. Exactly, it takes my mind off...
00:39:08Other things. Quite. Otherwise a man can get very...
00:39:10Whimsical. No, without a regular...
00:39:12Regime. It's hard for a man to...
00:39:14Fulfill himself. Quite.
00:39:16Mr. Hudson, may I help you finish your sentences
00:39:18this weekend? At the weekend, yes.
00:39:20With Schlegel, that would be so very...
00:39:22Ah!
00:39:24Fuck. Whatever was that?
00:39:26I don't know.
00:39:28Um, it's just...
00:39:30I think it's my wife. She's dying.
00:39:32Oh, dear. No need to worry.
00:39:34She usually dies about this time of day.
00:39:36You can set your watch by it.
00:39:38It's a form of wisteria. Hysteria?
00:39:40No, wisteria. She's allergic to it.
00:39:42She was touched incorrectly
00:39:44in a cave in India.
00:39:46Ever since then, the sight of wisteria
00:39:48makes her wisterical.
00:39:50You do not trust your emotions,
00:39:52do you, Mr. Hudson?
00:39:54I believe emotions are like rats.
00:39:56They should be poisoned at birth.
00:39:58Mr. Hudson, do you know what a hooded clitoris is?
00:40:02Yes, it's a kind of snake with a cap on.
00:40:06No. It is found in the vulva.
00:40:08Ah, Argentina.
00:40:12Have you any idea what the vagina is?
00:40:14Well, that's a river in the Belgian Congo.
00:40:18Oh, Mr. Hudson, do not toy with me.
00:40:20My gynecologist tells me I may never be able to have an emotion.
00:40:22Do not despair, Miss Schlegel.
00:40:24These days we can do wonderful things with rubber.
00:40:26Ah!
00:40:28And now, if you'll excuse me,
00:40:30I have to hit Tracy and...
00:40:34But more to the point, my wife is dying again.
00:40:36I must go and give her sugar.
00:40:38What a strange man he is.
00:40:40But I believe he understands me
00:40:42despite his attempts to distract me
00:40:44with interesting discourse about rat poison.
00:40:46I can still hear you.
00:40:48Oh, sorry.
00:40:50Whoa, there.
00:40:52Look at that house, Ken.
00:40:54Blimey.
00:40:56And fucking Hathaway's fucking cottage.
00:40:58Last time I saw so much thatch,
00:41:00it was on a stripper in Belgium.
00:41:04Hey, Bert, see that bloke lurking in the window?
00:41:06The one watching us?
00:41:08Yes, Mr. Hudson.
00:41:10He looks familiar.
00:41:12Yeah, you saw him yesterday when he told us to bring the piano here.
00:41:14Oh, yeah.
00:41:16He thought he knew you.
00:41:18From where?
00:41:20He didn't say.
00:41:22Look, Dick, my piano is here.
00:41:24You're jolly fond of that piano, aren't you?
00:41:26I love it, Dick. Thank you ever so.
00:41:28Hey, you wouldn't marry me, would you?
00:41:30What?
00:41:32Become my awful wedded wife.
00:41:34That's lawful, Dick.
00:41:36You are very beautiful, but you are a little bit...
00:41:38Am I? Am I?
00:41:40Yes, yes, Dick. Just a tad.
00:41:42I'm so sorry. I don't care for you in that way.
00:41:44I can't marry you.
00:41:46Well, never mind. I'm gay anyway.
00:41:48What?
00:41:50He's different, that's all.
00:41:54He's different.
00:41:58So very different.
00:42:00Oh, very different.
00:42:02He's different in every way.
00:42:06That's right, I'm different.
00:42:10So very different.
00:42:14Oh, very different.
00:42:16Not gay.
00:42:20He's not the same as other boys.
00:42:24He likes to play with different toys.
00:42:26I like to stay out late and dress in fancy things.
00:42:29Of course you do.
00:42:31He's not the only one there's been.
00:42:33I'm not the first king who is a queen.
00:42:37But it's illegal still.
00:42:39So that is why we sing.
00:42:45That he is different.
00:42:49Oh, very different.
00:42:53So very different.
00:42:55Very different.
00:42:59Not gay.
00:43:09Helena played with me all afternoon.
00:43:11Tickling my ivories with her lovely fingers.
00:43:13I must say she's a lovely touch.
00:43:17Meanwhile, Whoopsie and Dick disappeared into the woods.
00:43:19Maggie and Emma went for a walk amongst the bluebells.
00:43:21And Hudson busied himself poisoning rats until around three.
00:43:25When, I say, has anyone seen Dick?
00:43:29What about Dick?
00:43:31I've lost him.
00:43:33What?
00:43:35One minute we were playing hide and seek and the next he'd gone.
00:43:39He's probably playing a game on you.
00:43:41Oh, yes, of course.
00:43:43I'm sure he'll be back for dinner.
00:43:47It's a lovely dinner, Mr. Hudson.
00:43:49The curry goat is delicious.
00:43:51Yes, it's something my wife picked up in India.
00:43:53How is your wife?
00:43:55Oh, still off her tits.
00:43:57Still no sign of Dick.
00:43:59It's very worrying.
00:44:01Perhaps we should call the police.
00:44:03Too late. We're here.
00:44:07Oh, shit.
00:44:11My P.N.O.
00:44:13I'm sorry, Inspector, you can't come in here.
00:44:15We're having dinner.
00:44:17Oh, you stupid gits.
00:44:19Sitting round with your chips.
00:44:21Listening to your Chopin and your Beethoven
00:44:23after your suppers with your kippers and lungs and reekies.
00:44:25Listen now to my wordies
00:44:27that fray my lips and mouth
00:44:29for drapping like rain
00:44:31falling for the glen
00:44:33that softly swells
00:44:35the glistening burns
00:44:37and rivulets and streams of bonnie Scotland.
00:44:41Is this something about a holiday?
00:44:43You've no won a holiday,
00:44:45you stupid gits. Wait a tickety-boo.
00:44:47May I ask who owns this P.N.O.?
00:44:49Oh, that's mine.
00:44:51Oh, is that right?
00:44:53It's your P.N.O.?
00:44:55Been in the family for years. Matter of fact, Rose is my wife.
00:44:57Your wife's as mad as a hatter. Cuckoo, bonkers.
00:44:59She hasn't got a P.N.O.
00:45:01This P.N.O. was stolen
00:45:03from Leonard Bastard.
00:45:05None I respect.
00:45:07You are mistaken. That is Eleanor's P.N.O.
00:45:09I'll give it her.
00:45:11Leonard Bastard, what are you doing here
00:45:14This is the most unlikely story.
00:45:16I come here to thank you for getting me the job with Mr. Hudson
00:45:18and to give you the piano you love so much.
00:45:20How on earth did you get here?
00:45:22I walked.
00:45:24All the way from Hounsditch?
00:45:26Yes.
00:45:28But that's a hundred miles.
00:45:30Yes.
00:45:32Would you like a glass of water?
00:45:34Seeing you is refreshment enough for me.
00:45:36Oh, golly gosh. Blush, blush, blush.
00:45:38Seriously, Inspector, it is Eleanor's piano.
00:45:40How very touching. It reminds me of a wee ballad
00:45:42from my childhood
00:45:44called The Lonely Trout.
00:45:48From the healing hills
00:45:50and rills
00:45:52of bonnie Scotland
00:45:54Fae the bogs
00:45:56and fogs
00:45:58and soggy lochs and brae
00:46:02Fae the mountain tops
00:46:04where lonely jocks drink
00:46:06whisky
00:46:08to the dinky pond
00:46:10where in the lone trout plays
00:46:16There was once a laddie
00:46:18who wandered with his lassie
00:46:22when she told him
00:46:24that her love for him was dead
00:46:28As she left this lonely boy
00:46:32who'd now lost his only joy
00:46:36the trout raised his head
00:46:38and this is what he said
00:46:44Oh, rumpty-tumpty
00:46:46tickle your monkey
00:46:48tittley-tiddle-do
00:46:50rumpy-pumpy hunky-tumpty
00:46:52tittley-tivey-too
00:46:54hanky-banky winky-wanky
00:46:56tittley-tiddle-do
00:46:58rinky-dinky tittley-winky
00:47:00nicky-nanky-noo-doo
00:47:02the noo, the noo, the noo, the noo
00:47:04Oh, waggetty-waggetty
00:47:06spiggetty-waggetty
00:47:08spiggetty-waggetty
00:47:10spiggetty-waggetty
00:47:12spiggetty-waggetty
00:47:14spiggetty-waggetty
00:47:16spiggetty-waggetty
00:47:18spiggetty-waggetty
00:47:20spiggetty-waggetty
00:47:22spiggetty-waggetty
00:47:24spiggetty-waggetty
00:47:26spiggetty-waggetty
00:47:28spiggetty-waggetty
00:47:30spiggetty-waggetty
00:47:32spiggetty-waggetty
00:47:34find yourself another laddie
00:47:36and that's a piece of pie
00:47:38Oh, waggetty-waggetty-waggetty-waggetty
00:47:40waggetty-waggetty-waggetty
00:47:42waggetty-waggetty-waggetty-waggetty
00:47:44waggetty-waggetty-waggetty-waggetty
00:47:46waggetty-waggetty-waggetty-waggetty
00:47:48waggetty-waggetty-waggetty-waggetty
00:47:50waggetty-waggetty-waggetty-waggetty
00:47:52waggetty-waggetty-waggetty-waggetty
00:47:54waggetty-waggetty-waggetty-waggetty
00:47:56waggetty-waggetty-waggetty-waggetty
00:47:58spiggetty-waggetty-piggetty-waggetty
00:48:00what's life about?
00:48:02spiggetty-waggetty-piggetty-waggetty
00:48:04she was just a slut
00:48:06find yourself another lassie
00:48:08and that's a piece of pie
00:48:10Oh, piggetty-waggetty-piggetty-waggetty
00:48:12I think that's quite enough of that, Inspector
00:48:16I think, come on, off, off, come on you
00:48:18off, off, off
00:48:20take your boobs with you
00:48:22and what about Dick?
00:48:24Kribbins, I completely forgot about wee Dickie
00:48:26My nephew is missing
00:48:28No, he's not
00:48:30Oh, you fan-Dick
00:48:32Oh, thank heaven
00:48:34Oh, shut your drivel, you big-witterin' Jessie
00:48:36You're a disgrace to the wee free cloth
00:48:38frolickin' about in ponds
00:48:40with naked laddies when they truth are thrown
00:48:42We...
00:48:44We...
00:48:46We...
00:48:48We have indeed found him
00:48:50and he told me a joke
00:48:52We found him in the woods
00:48:54In the woods?
00:48:56In the woods, is he dead?
00:48:58Not quite, but severely bluttered
00:49:00He was attacked by some hungry bampot
00:49:02who tried to eat him all up
00:49:04and do him like a dinner
00:49:06Great Scott
00:49:08Thank you
00:49:14But who would want to harm Dick?
00:49:16Somebody who wanted to shut his face
00:49:20But Dick knows nothing about everything
00:49:22Do you know,
00:49:24we have a wee saying in Scotland
00:49:26Oh, ho, ho, ho
00:49:28Oh, wee men
00:49:30druck it and dick it
00:49:32and up wey hay and take a wad
00:49:34doon in the nuts
00:49:36One can only imagine
00:49:38what that means
00:49:40Sometimes the things we don't know
00:49:42are the unknown knowns that we don't know
00:49:44we think we know, but others think we do
00:49:48Well, that's easy for you to say, Inspector
00:49:52But it's as idle to speculate
00:49:54since Dick can no longer speak
00:49:56I have an Indian gentleman who specializes
00:49:58in recovering memoirs
00:50:00by the name of Deepak Rushdie
00:50:02Obi Ben Kingsley
00:50:04Perhaps wee Dicky might remember something
00:50:06when he comes out his comma
00:50:08But when will he wake up?
00:50:10Who knows? A few weeks
00:50:12A few months
00:50:14A few years, perchance
00:50:16Years, but what ever shall we do?
00:50:18We must all go to Italy at once
00:50:22To Italy, to Italy
00:50:24Oh yes, let's go to Italy
00:50:26Where painters paint so prettily
00:50:28on ceilings there
00:50:30Where everyone talks wittily
00:50:32and no one argues bitterly
00:50:34and we'll be free to really
00:50:36have some feelings there
00:50:38Let's leave this soggy English rain
00:50:40and go to Italy by train
00:50:42to visit Florence, Venice and then Rome again
00:50:44We'll whine and die
00:50:46until we are sick
00:50:48and we won't have to think of Dick
00:50:50until we finally come home again
00:51:10Oh, I cannot stand Italians
00:51:12They wear big gold medallions
00:51:14and act like bloody stallions
00:51:16all the waiters there
00:51:18I'm Italian, Italian
00:51:20It all gets on my nelly
00:51:22and as far as I'm concerned
00:51:24they're pasta baiters there
00:51:26Italia
00:51:28la la la la la la la la la la la
00:51:34Italia
00:51:36la la la la la la la la la la la
00:51:43Italian men are gorgeous
00:51:45if you don't include the Borgias
00:51:47They make me slightly nauseous
00:51:49when I read of them
00:51:51Romeo's and Cinderella's
00:51:53say buongiorno and ciao bellas
00:51:55and they have umbrellas
00:51:57should I feel the need of them
00:51:59Italia
00:52:01la la la la la la la la la la
00:52:07Italia
00:52:09la la la la la la la la la la
00:52:14Rome was not built in a day
00:52:16though actually it looks that way
00:52:18The Roman Empire was of course
00:52:20the power there
00:52:22There's a Giza came from Pisa
00:52:24by the name of Julius Caesar
00:52:26He was a little bent
00:52:28but then so is the tower there
00:52:30Italia
00:52:32la la la la la la la la la la
00:52:38Italia
00:52:41la la la la la la la la la la
00:52:47Italia
00:52:49la la la la la la la la la la
00:52:55Italia
00:52:57la la la la la la la la la la
00:53:11I was on the move again
00:53:15This time to Italy
00:53:17where English people go to have emotions
00:53:19Consequently Emma remained behind
00:53:23Meanwhile the party arrived in Florence
00:53:30The travelling party arrived in Florence
00:53:33Sorry
00:53:35What joy to be in Italy
00:53:37with these friendly men
00:53:39with their courageingly lax morals
00:53:41And Maggie
00:53:43why is that statue not wearing any underpants?
00:53:45Because it's so terribly hot dear
00:53:47And what is that little thing?
00:53:49Well it's an umbrella symbol
00:53:52Oh here we are
00:53:54the Pensione Berlusconi
00:53:57Buongiorno Signore
00:53:59Banga banga
00:54:01Signor Pederasti Inglese
00:54:05Oh Signor Berlusconi
00:54:07How nice to see you
00:54:09Ah Signor decrepit Inglese
00:54:11I have a present for you
00:54:13and your niece
00:54:15a room with no view
00:54:17Thank you so much dear
00:54:19for she's
00:54:21Helena is allergic to views
00:54:23particularly right wing views
00:54:27Well welcome to my Pensione
00:54:29where emotionally repressed English people
00:54:31can learn to enjoy themselves
00:54:33How to chew on a pizza
00:54:35How to nibble on a pasta
00:54:37How to swallow salami
00:54:39Yes
00:54:41Yes I think that's
00:54:43quite enough single entendres for now Signor
00:54:45Come on Helena
00:54:47let's freshen up
00:54:49while they unload our baggage
00:54:51Blimey
00:54:53look at that statue Ken
00:54:55That bloke's not wearing any underpants
00:54:57That's Michelangelo's David
00:54:59Michelangelo's dick more like
00:55:01Excuse Signori
00:55:03Your delivery is around the back
00:55:05Oh Charming you bloody Italians
00:55:07should be ashamed of yourselves
00:55:09All these naked statues
00:55:11Have you Italians never heard of underpants
00:55:13Brutti Inglesi Bastardi
00:55:15Vanna Gloriosi
00:55:17Ma
00:55:19Ricopretevi la testa
00:55:21con la pelle della cappella
00:55:23e fatevi un cristeri
00:55:25con una bottiglia di vino
00:55:27e ma augurare
00:55:29che il vostro
00:55:31passere di venti
00:55:33ad otto strade per
00:55:35giocattori
00:55:37di rugby
00:55:39australiani
00:55:47What's he say
00:55:49He says you condescending
00:55:51English bastards I invite you to pull your
00:55:53foreskin over your heads and give yourself
00:55:55an enema with a wine bottle
00:55:57May you sleep in
00:55:59sheep shit and your sphincter become a highway
00:56:01for Australian rugby players
00:56:07Blimey I never knew you spoke Italian
00:56:09I learned it on the train
00:56:11What is it you two
00:56:13idiots want? Hey don't you get
00:56:15lippy with us mate who do you think you are
00:56:17You arrogant English pigs
00:56:19you come from a miserable island
00:56:21where it rains every day
00:56:23where the men are all pederasts
00:56:25and all the women are frozen for the west town
00:56:27You
00:56:29have no cheese, you have no wine
00:56:31no olive oil, no garlic
00:56:33you cannot play football and your music
00:56:35is all poo
00:56:37Oh yeah
00:56:39well that's where you're wrong Mr. Ice cream
00:56:41selling bloody fascist what
00:56:43because we have bought a piano for Miss Ellen
00:56:45at the play. What the
00:56:47Bella Signorina with the lovely squishy feet?
00:56:49Yeah that's the one
00:56:51Oh me apology
00:56:53I invite you to stay
00:56:55for dinner and intersex
00:57:09Can
00:57:15Dinner will be nice
00:57:19Oh I am so very happy
00:57:21at last I have my own piano
00:57:25One
00:57:29day some lovely fella
00:57:31is going to show me his
00:57:33umbrella but until that
00:57:35day I'll play upon
00:57:37my P.N.O
00:57:39If he's jealous of
00:57:41the fellas who have shown me
00:57:43their umbrellas he'll be
00:57:45happy when I let him touch
00:57:47my P.N.O
00:57:49My P.N.O
00:57:51My P.N.O
00:57:53It's such a lovely
00:57:55instrument I really love
00:57:57it so
00:57:59My P.N.O
00:58:01My P.N.O
00:58:03Who wouldn't like to play upon
00:58:05my P.N.O
00:58:09From Florence down to
00:58:11Napoli the men behave
00:58:13unhappily if they can't
00:58:15get a glimpse of my sweet
00:58:17P.N.O
00:58:19The Frenchmen and the Dutchmen
00:58:21always shout and yell
00:58:23how much then but I won't let
00:58:25them touch when I've my
00:58:27P.N.O
00:58:29My P.N.O
00:58:31My P.N.O
00:58:33Tickling the
00:58:35ivories I really love
00:58:37it so
00:58:39My P.N.O
00:58:41I so adore
00:58:43I'll play with it all night
00:58:45and day until I get too
00:58:47sore
00:58:51My P.N.O
00:58:53My P.N.O
00:58:55My P.N.O
00:58:57My P.N.O
00:58:59My P.N.O
00:59:01Who wouldn't like to go upon
00:59:03a P.N.O
00:59:05The British upper classes
00:59:07can all shove it up their arses
00:59:09all the poor and struggling
00:59:11masses have no P.N.O
00:59:13What a lucky
00:59:15lucky old P.N.O
00:59:17Leonard Bastard
00:59:19Leonard Bastard
00:59:21What on earth are you doing in Italy?
00:59:23I walked
00:59:25That's almost 900 miles
00:59:27903 actually
00:59:29Is your wife here?
00:59:31No, she couldn't get away
00:59:33You tied her up?
00:59:35No, she's helping MacGuffin with his dick problem
00:59:37How?
00:59:39Well, she's a professional arse reader
00:59:41and she has some information that may be helpful to the police
00:59:43Oh gosh, really?
00:59:45I have judged her too harshly as a worthless slut
00:59:47No, no, she is a worthless slut
00:59:49who trapped me into an unhappy marriage
00:59:51but she is a very fine arse reader
00:59:53Leonard
00:59:55I have been less than generous with you
00:59:57I want you to play with me
00:59:59What?
01:00:01On the piano
01:00:03When?
01:00:05Right now
01:00:07Let's go
01:00:09Good grief
01:00:11Close your eyes Mr. Woopsie, you are a clergyman
01:00:13What is going on?
01:00:15We are playing a piano in public with a married man of the working classes
01:00:19How shameful
01:00:21Unprotected Beethoven
01:00:25Whatever are we to do?
01:00:27Russell brothers, pick up the piano
01:00:29We must all go home at once
01:00:33Who is it?
01:00:35Open the door Emma
01:00:39I must see you at once
01:00:41Hang on a minute
01:00:45Mr. Hudson
01:01:07Why Mr. Hudson?
01:01:09Thank God you are here
01:01:11Mr. Hudson, you are in a state of some emotion
01:01:13Breaking them in for friends
01:01:15What are you doing alone in a house with a young woman
01:01:17whose aunt and sister have not yet returned from Italy
01:01:19and with no one around to notice
01:01:21if we would accidentally slip upstairs with a hairbrush
01:01:23No, I have something terribly serious to tell you
01:01:25My wife is dead
01:01:27For real?
01:01:29Yeah
01:01:31How did she die?
01:01:33An unfortunate brush with rat poison
01:01:35She apparently mistook it for sugar
01:01:37It's easily done
01:01:39I blame myself
01:01:41I was in Manchester, it was a rubber thing
01:01:43A perfectly reasonable alibi
01:01:45Yes, the police suspect foul play
01:01:47They think the same man who had done it for Dick
01:01:49has gone and done it for her
01:01:51I'm sorry, I seem to have lost control of my tongue
01:01:55Am I making you nervous?
01:01:57Standing in the doorway in a nightie with a light behind you
01:01:59Nervous isn't quite the word
01:02:01I know what you'd like
01:02:03Really?
01:02:05A nice cup of tea
01:02:11Uh, it's close
01:02:15Oh, I love the way he stares at me when we're making tea
01:02:17I know exactly what he's thinking
01:02:19I know exactly what I'm thinking
01:02:21He can read me like a book
01:02:23The big boy's book of theories
01:02:25107 nasty positions to do it
01:02:27He seems to know exactly what I'd like
01:02:29I'd like to play tiddlywinks
01:02:31Then supper at the Ritz and afterwards dancing
01:02:33Then up to the bathroom for a good scrubbing
01:02:35What?
01:02:37With a stiff loofah rubbing and scrubbing with a soapy tub of water
01:02:39Till she blotches his neck and all over with that pale delicate skin
01:02:41Good heavens
01:02:43I want to kiss your warm soapy buttocks rubbing deeper and deeper
01:02:45Stroking and spanking and kneading
01:02:47And plunging and thrusting
01:02:49Turning you over and then plunging and thrusting
01:02:51You like a giant glob of internal combustion engine
01:02:53Buzzing haplessly like a beer in a bottle
01:02:55And screaming like a monkey on speed
01:03:01Emma dear, we're back from Italy
01:03:03Emma, Emma, good grief
01:03:05What's happening?
01:03:07Is she all right?
01:03:09Oh, I'd say so
01:03:11What is happening to her?
01:03:13Emma is having an emotion
01:03:19Italy had worked its gay magic
01:03:21And the English were now all caring and sensitive
01:03:23Dick was on everyone's lips
01:03:29We shall skip World War I
01:03:31Which was mainly about a horse
01:03:33And move on to August
01:03:371929
01:03:39When Aunt Maggie went to visit Dick
01:03:41But when she arrived at the Royal Hospital
01:03:43For the Extremely Mad
01:03:45She was in for a surprise
01:03:47You have a visitor, Dick
01:03:49Is there any change in his condition?
01:03:51Unless, Madam, there is none
01:03:53Allow me to present Deepak Rush
01:03:55To Obi-Ben Kingsley
01:03:57Visiting Professor of Psychobabble
01:03:59At the University of Virginia Woolf
01:04:01Oh, I've read about him in the Rubberware News
01:04:03It seems you are the inventor
01:04:05Of the American Happy Boy
01:04:07That is I myself, good lady
01:04:09Oh, it has relieved many of my emotions
01:04:11Well, I am proud to have
01:04:13Had a hand in that
01:04:15We are going to seek the assistance
01:04:17Of a professional arts leader
01:04:19But first, we have a wee surprise
01:04:21Mr. Russell, bring in the piano
01:04:23Here you go
01:04:25Good heavens, it is the piano from Shakistan
01:04:27This piano has been close to the scene
01:04:29Of all these violent attacks
01:04:31You suspect a piano?
01:04:33Of course I don't fucking suspect a piano
01:04:35You weird Indian psychobabble chapati muncher
01:04:37I thought I might help to jog his memory
01:04:39If only this piano could talk, Inspector
01:04:41Pianos don't fucking talk, you silly touchy
01:04:43Really whacked out son of a bloody-minded idiot
01:04:45That's pure gobbledy-shitey
01:04:47Slappy-slappy touchy-feely bollocks
01:04:49But since Dick found it at the beach
01:04:51I thought I might help him
01:04:53To remember a happier time
01:04:55This way you wanted the piano, girl?
01:04:57Just drop it right here
01:04:59Thank you
01:05:01Thank you
01:05:03The piano's at the heart of the mystery
01:05:05Where have you all, sir?
01:05:07Good heavens, is that you, Sergeant?
01:05:09So I know you, sir
01:05:11Sergeant Ken Russell of the 13th Foot and Mouth
01:05:13Do you not remember me? I am Deepak from Shakistan
01:05:15Alas, sir, he can remember nothing since the massacre
01:05:17Lord Darling told him something important
01:05:19But he's forgot it
01:05:21Do not worry, Inspector
01:05:23I will put him in a trance
01:05:25Now, Ken, listen to me
01:05:27You are going to relax
01:05:29Not you, Inspector
01:05:31Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry
01:05:33Just relax, Ken, Kenneth
01:05:35Now, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
01:05:37You're gone
01:05:39Where am I?
01:05:41You are in Shakistan, Sergeant
01:05:43Oh yeah, bloody hot, innit?
01:05:45It's very hot, Ken
01:05:47And all these bloody flies
01:05:49All these bloody flies
01:05:51Now you're with Lord Darling and he is talking to you
01:05:53What is Lord Darling saying?
01:05:55He's telling me a very disturbing tale, sir
01:05:57There are some things
01:05:59I am not proud of in my life, Sergeant
01:06:05There was a young governess I met at a coming-night ball
01:06:09Her name was Margaret
01:06:13She was beautiful
01:06:15And I couldn't help myself
01:06:17I plied her with gin
01:06:19And I took advantage of her
01:06:21Too late I learned
01:06:23That nine months later
01:06:25She had a child
01:06:27But by then
01:06:29My regiment had shipped out
01:06:31I still don't know
01:06:33The name of that child
01:06:35The child's name was Dick
01:06:37How could you know that?
01:06:39Because I was that governess
01:06:41Margaret was me
01:06:43This is my Dick
01:06:45He's your son?
01:06:47Yes, Inspector
01:06:49Oh, Mummy, I'm coming out of my coma
01:06:51There, there, Dick, Mummy's here
01:06:53Mummy, can I have a little stuck on your breasts, please?
01:06:57Well, I suppose a little wouldn't hurt
01:06:59Let's see if I can still lactate
01:07:01Oh, yes, I can
01:07:03Oh, yes, it's happening
01:07:05Sergeant, control
01:07:07Control your images
01:07:09Sergeant, for fuck's sake
01:07:11Control the images in your head
01:07:13Very difficult, sir
01:07:15What else is Lord Darling saying to you?
01:07:17It's all coming back now, sir
01:07:23It's a little bit misty
01:07:25But it's coming back
01:07:27He says, take this piano to my son, Dick
01:07:29At Darling Hall
01:07:31Very well
01:07:33And so you have done
01:07:35Your task is complete, Sergeant
01:07:37Dick has the piano and he has a mummy
01:07:39But we still don't know who attacked him
01:07:41And why
01:07:43That is true, Inspector
01:07:45It is time for the arsory, I think
01:07:47Who is it?
01:07:49Oh, it's you
01:07:51You haven't come to have your body read again, have you?
01:07:53You're a right naughty boy, aren't you?
01:07:55I saw it in your bum the other day
01:07:57I said to myself, I said, there's violence in that bottom
01:07:59Enid, my love
01:08:01Those cheeks have seen more than their fair
01:08:03Share of sorrow
01:08:05A deep, dark secret is hidden in that dirty hair
01:08:07But I haven't told no one
01:08:09Guv's helped me and I wouldn't tell Inspector McGuffin
01:08:11Nothing, as long as you've brought me
01:08:13That little bit of money you promised me
01:08:15Here
01:08:17Here, what's that?
01:08:19No, please, don't! Stop!
01:08:21Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
01:08:27Amstridge Mutilator
01:08:29Strikes again
01:08:31Arse-reader arse-assinated
01:08:35Dammit, Deepak, we're too late
01:08:37Police working on the theory that they have no idea
01:08:39What's going on
01:08:41What do you
01:08:43This is most unfortunate, I had high hopes that she might see something useful
01:08:45Index behind
01:08:47Assassinates an arse leader and why?
01:08:51Maybe the king of Sweden for shits and giggles
01:08:56What
01:09:03No, she knew something she knew the identity of a mutilator well, how could that be so she opened the door my pajamas
01:09:10She had a door in her pajamas
01:09:12This has to be
01:09:15This had to be somebody she knows well and her husband has disappeared we must find leonard bastard immediate
01:09:25Who is it open the door emma I must see you at once. Hang on a minute
01:09:29Please
01:09:41Emma is there a window I could just
01:09:45Why mr. Hudson
01:09:46I'm here all alone. I have something
01:09:49I have something to tell you. I have a hairbrush upstairs. Something terrible has happened
01:09:53Leonard bastard's wife has been murdered. No worse than that. What could possibly be worse than that? I am bankrupt
01:09:58Oh dear this afternoon the hudson rubber company just collapsed into the thames
01:10:02Financially, you see someone in the accounts department was speculating huge sums against the future price of rubber and now i'm utterly ruined
01:10:09Oh crikey name of the young man who made these speculations was leonard bastard the very man you begged me to employ. Oh
01:10:16oops
01:10:19Well, oops doesn't quite hack it actually am I
01:10:22So because of this I have decided to accept the job of a butler in the west country
01:10:28Oh
01:10:30We'll have a good one
01:10:33Yes tar very much
01:10:35No, wait
01:10:36I am an english woman of a certain age. You are the only man who ever gave me an emotion
01:10:41I am going to do something utterly improper. Oh, yes
01:10:44I am going to pack some hankies and come with you
01:10:50Ah
01:10:51Darling hall
01:10:53Doesn't it look great in the rain butler?
01:10:56Uh, yes, my lord butler what time is it 1935 my lord
01:11:01Who is that woman in the tight black dress? That is the housekeeper miss schlegel son fine figure of a woman
01:11:08Yes, sir. She does her job very well this weekend. I'm having a nazi party
01:11:14The usual thing, you know
01:11:16Uniform speeches searchlights discipline boots bondage wagner and tight leather trousers
01:11:23Very good, my lord
01:11:25This will be the first nazi party ever held in england and here's the order of events
01:11:31There'll be heil and hello getting to know you cocktails
01:11:36With a few introductory remarks about the third reich
01:11:40What happened to the other two reichs?
01:11:45And why this one will last ever so much longer
01:11:49Very good, my lord
01:11:51Mr. Hudson might I have a word with you? Yes, of course, miss ever there is to be a nazi party here
01:11:56Just a very small one
01:11:57And why have you been avoiding me because I am a butler and you are a housekeeper in this country
01:12:02Any contact is not only immoral, but it's also illegal contrary to the naughty behaviors act with servants 1932
01:12:08But surely no not even if no, but suppose we weren't on our own time possible at weekends in the garage
01:12:14I have a question. This is england. We must have no more emotions
01:12:18But I have brought this hairbrush
01:12:21Oh
01:12:23Shit
01:12:25Come here woman
01:12:28Get on my springy thing
01:12:32Go on what on earth is going on emma
01:12:35Aunt maggie, what's the helena and dick?
01:12:38What are they doing? Mommy? I'm scared
01:12:40Uh, miss emma was merely helping me clean the floor with her posterior
01:12:44No, henry. No more lies
01:12:47I'm a fully grown woman and I am entitled to an emotion now and again good heavens. This isn't america
01:12:52What on earth is going on butler? Who are all these people lord? Darling?
01:12:57This is your long lost brother dick. Hello, bro
01:13:01Want to see me mouth organ?
01:13:05Good heavens, it's the nazis
01:13:09Hey lord darling
01:13:11cantus von kunst
01:13:13Welcome to darling hall
01:13:15It is important that you english understands that the nazis are a party. It's a fun thing
01:13:22My uber butler. Yes counters. Do you have a piano? No counters. No piano at darling hall
01:13:28Then what is this?
01:13:30Good heavens that
01:13:32Is a piano
01:13:34Good grief, it is the piano
01:13:37It is lord darling's a gift from his dead daddy
01:13:41Deepak is that you?
01:13:44Hello, mr. Hudson side long time no see
01:13:47What on earth are you doing here?
01:13:50Well, i'm just I am just talking to you at the moment
01:13:54Yes, I can see that but why because they think it's funny sir
01:14:01It is a bit confusing yes it is
01:14:04Is
01:14:08I would like to play a little song about the fiora
01:14:12But first I shall warm up with the diva scale
01:14:35Boom
01:14:50But what is a vibrator doing inside a piano that's a rather long story
01:14:55Hey
01:15:03Who are you a rather long storyteller
01:15:09This is inspector mcguffin
01:15:11Not in fact, so madam. I'm a private dick. My real name is home. Good heavens
01:15:16Sherlock helms. No. Shylock holmes is jewish cousin
01:15:20Why
01:15:22Is there a dildo stuck in this piano it was hidden there madam by someone in this room
01:15:28What does it matter? It matters because it reveals the identity of a murderer butler. I arrest you for the murder of henry hudson
01:15:35But this is henry hudson inspector. No, sir
01:15:39This man is called hopkins who killed the original hudson who gained control of the rubber market
01:15:43He attacked little dicky in the woods and poisoned his wife
01:15:46Who saw him attacking dick from her window and he bludgeoned purina to death
01:15:50Was she threatened to reveal that she read his backside that he is the houndstitch mutilator
01:15:56Butler I arrest you for the murder of henry hudson. Oh henry. They will hang you i'm already hung emma
01:16:05I know that i'm bearing your child then leave this soggy island. England is finished. The future is holland
01:16:12America. Yeah the america. Yeah
01:16:15Where there are more respect for a personal violence and they won't stop children having automatic weapons just because they're insane
01:16:23So the butler was arrested and sentenced to be hanged by the neck until he wasn't at all well
01:16:29Leonard bastard married helena and together they opened an umbrella shop
01:16:33The reverend whoopsie became the archbishop of canterbury
01:16:37Aunt maggie moved to holland where she demonstrates personal vibrators
01:16:42And as for me the piano I was bought by elton john
01:16:49And i'm currently starring in las vegas where I made this one of elton john's finest hits
01:17:12Hello
01:17:32Oh
01:17:41Foreign
01:18:12Foreign
01:18:15From the orpheum theater
01:18:18Tonight we invite you to take to the play a radio screenplay
01:18:41Me
01:19:11So
01:19:41So
01:20:12The orpheum theater in downtown l.a tonight we invite you to take to the play a radio screenplay
01:20:21Is
01:20:41You