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00:33Hello?
00:36Hello?
00:38If anyone can hear me, I've finished sleeping.
00:41Laughter
00:48Laughter
00:51Hello?
00:53Laughter
00:58Laughter
01:03Look, sweetheart, before we part, can I just say this?
01:08The precious time we've spent together,
01:11the wild and passionate love we have for each other,
01:14have affected me in ways that only a skilled acrobat
01:17could really experience.
01:19I mean, that trick you do with a melon in your musket
01:22is just wonderful.
01:25But as you leave for America to boldly fight whoever it is
01:29you're boldly fighting there at the moment,
01:32please remember this.
01:34If on a dark and windswept morn
01:37you should find yourself in a boggy ditch
01:39with half your head shot off
01:41and your brains dripping from a nearby tree
01:44and you're totally and utterly dead,
01:47it matters not,
01:49there will always be a place in my heart
01:52lovingly inscribed with the name Dominic...
01:56Didier. Didier! Didier!
01:59Sorry, I always forget that, yeah.
02:01I thought Didier was the blonde one, actually.
02:04That's Fig Trois. Oh, is it? Oh, right.
02:06So who's the other one I had, then,
02:08with the lovely big gorgeous bulgy thighs?
02:10Who was that? Julian. Oh, right.
02:12Julian Dazier, yeah, he was the best.
02:14Oh, yeah. He's a right raver, isn't he?
02:17Look, I've got to dash now, though.
02:19All right, thanks. Bye, though. Bye.
02:21Oh, God, bye. Yeah.
02:25Bye.
02:30It's all right.
02:31Everything's under control. She's back.
02:35Yes. At the risk of sounding grossly pertinent,
02:38might one ask where you were back from?
02:41Well, officially, I was visiting my aged father
02:45in Aix-don-Le-Jambe.
02:47Unofficially, of course, I was round the corner
02:49in the army barracks having two days of solid rumpo.
02:54I trust there have been no difficulté in my absence,
02:57as we say here in 18th-century France?
03:00Erm, yes.
03:04I have waking expensive ornaments!
03:07Oh, my God, what? What, what?
03:09Perhaps I should explain.
03:12As you know, many of our valiant and beautifully turned-out
03:15fighting men... Steady.
03:17..are currently embarking for America.
03:20Naturally, I would love to go and die with them,
03:23but I feel it my duty to stay here and sow frocks for victory.
03:27Now, since I had no idea you would be off comforting the troops
03:31in your own special way,
03:33I made a brief journeyette to wave a hanky for France myself.
03:38The upshot being that while you were away,
03:41I was also not entirely here,
03:44and Madame was left to...
03:47..fend for herself.
03:54Good morning, Mistress. Rise and shine.
03:56I'll just go and get your froth.
03:57Rosette!
04:00Tragic blunder, I know. Forgive me, I can't be more...
04:03Do you know how long I have been waiting to get up?
04:05I know, I know. Three days!
04:11I very nearly dressed myself!
04:15Tragedy, tragedy, Mistress.
04:17I've said it before.
04:19What is the point in having servants...
04:21..if they all just bugger off whenever it takes their fancy?
04:27If I might offer a...
04:30And what if that man woke to a barrel
04:32and cast his rift off the coast of Lesbos?
04:36You know, what if there had been a fire, you know?
04:40I know. I would have been burnt to a crisp.
04:44I'd just be a small pile of teeth
04:46and a smoky black smudge on the ceiling now, wouldn't I?
04:52You see that vase? What, this one? Mm-hm. Yeah.
04:55I, the Countess de Vache,
04:59intimate friend of His Majesty King Louis XIV...
05:0314th, 15th, 16th... 16th.
05:07I, who are a very aristocratic personages,
05:10have had to squat on that vase.
05:19I think I've almost certainly killed the daffodils.
05:24They're not the happiest of blooms, no.
05:27Still, everything is now pret-a-porter, eh?
05:30Well, if Madame would care to rise.
05:33No, no. Well, what time is it?
05:35Well, it's ten o'clock. I can't now, can I?
05:38None of my status gets up before one o'clock at the earliest.
05:42Well, that is true, yes.
05:44Is that breakfast still edible?
05:46Well, the maggots seem to think so, yeah.
05:50I'll have some of that. Don't throw it away.
05:52All right. Have some of that.
05:54But I think now I should just rest.
05:57Yes, you should. You're exhausted, aren't you?
05:59That's it, dear. You go to bed.
06:01There you go. There you go.
06:04Is that...? Yeah.
06:05Make sure I'm not disturbed.
06:07That's right. I don't want any disturbances.
06:09And sleep.
06:14I did not say your mistress was plain, sir.
06:18She'd have to be much more attractive to be plain.
06:22Who insults my mistress insults me, Le Biche.
06:25There is little difference between you, sir.
06:28Except, of course, the contest of Vash's legs are hairier.
06:32As Madame de Plonge's couturier,
06:35I have to tell you, her thighs are smooth as silk.
06:39Of course they are, love.
06:41They're always rubbing up against someone's moustache.
06:43Oh, well, speaking of moustaches, sir,
06:46has your mistress shaved hers off yet?
06:50Le Biche!
06:52Be on your guard, sir.
06:55We shall meet again.
06:59Minty ponce!
07:05Monsieur Beaufort!
07:11My, how unhappy you seem.
07:15Something of a sexual nature, possibly.
07:18No, no.
07:20Or perhaps you're simply upset your mistress
07:23has lost her entire fortune
07:25and will shortly have to leave the palace
07:27and live among all the poor people,
07:29whom God loves above all others
07:31and therefore gave them leprosy
07:33so they'd have less chance of catching syphilis.
07:35Excuse me, the contest of Vash has lost her fortune?
07:39In a wager.
07:41With the Marquis de Foufou.
07:43Oh, everyone is quite distraught.
07:45My dear Maman de Plonge had tears rolling down her face
07:49from what can only be described
07:51as a sympathetic bout of hysterical laughter.
07:56I had, to the best of my memory,
07:58no wager with the Marquis de Foufou.
08:01You do not realise, sir, that my mistress abhors gambling?
08:04I do!
08:05And don't tell me she doesn't,
08:07because I have seen her abhorring it
08:09in many, many gambling houses.
08:11And if my entire fortune is forfeit,
08:13where is the evidence?
08:15There is none. None whatsoever at all, none.
08:17Does the Marquis have in her possession
08:19anything attesting to this supposed wager?
08:21No. No, she does not.
08:23Nothing.
08:24Has she, for instance, a legally binding document, perhaps,
08:29signed by Madame's personal hand,
08:31sealed with her very own cross swords and rampant care?
08:35No. No?
08:37Yes. Yes, she does.
08:38She does. She's got the evidence.
08:40Well, says who? Who says that? Who, who, who, who?
08:43She does. She says it herself.
08:45She lies.
08:46That is an ugly and despicable lie.
08:49Well, I'm afraid she's shown it to rather a lot of people.
08:52Oh, she has, has she?
08:53Oh, she has, has she?
08:55Then there is only one thing for it.
08:57One thing, that's all there is for it.
08:59I shall have to go back on the game,
09:01and my mistress will have to slit her own throat
09:03until all the blood is spurting out. No.
09:05No, that is not the thing. That is not the thing.
09:07We shall go to the Marquis and demand to see the document.
09:15Now, the Marquis' different food departments are in the west wing.
09:19This way.
09:23That's right, madame.
09:24And then off to the right here.
09:32Oh, madame!
09:39Reverse your mistress, Labiche.
09:41Her underplant reverses for no-one, sir.
09:44My dear Colombine,
09:46so sad to hear about your financial embarrassment.
09:49If I can help out with a small loan,
09:52please feel free to grovel, plead or beg.
09:55I'm happy to say, madame de Plage,
09:57that my fortune is still my own,
09:59not to mention 100 times bigger than yours.
10:03Labiche. Labiche.
10:06Pull in, sir.
10:08Pull in, or we shall run you down.
10:10Reverse, sir. Aye, sir.
10:14You see, it's just this kind of hanky-flapping
10:17that gives people like us a bad name.
10:19Oh, is it?
10:20Well, how about this thing?
10:24You know, there just aren't enough hours in my life
10:26for this much mincing.
10:34Reverse! Reverse!
10:36Reverse! Reverse!
10:38Reverse! Reverse!
10:40Here we are. Now we shall see.
10:42We certainly shall.
10:44Knock, knock.
10:48Hmm. There's no answer.
10:51I hope nothing is horribly wrong.
10:54Hello, my dear.
10:56It's only me.
11:00Do you know, I can sense something is horrifyingly,
11:03abominably amiss. I'm going in.
11:05Does that door... door...
11:08Oh, hello.
11:10Oh, Gigi.
11:12It's just me.
11:14Trying to check that nothing criminal
11:16gruesomely untoward has happened.
11:22Oh, no, look!
11:24Oh, she's dead! Oh, she's dead!
11:26Oh, dear!
11:28Oh, poor Gigi!
11:32Oh, look.
11:33I never would have thought she had so much energy.
11:36I thought she had so much energy.
11:38Such a tiny woman.
11:40Well, there's a mystery
11:42we'll probably never, ever get to the bottom of.
11:47So, lunch, I think, don't you, Lizette?
11:50I think a small salad or something.
11:53Right, salad, yes.
11:55No beetroot? No, and no tomatoes.
11:57They're quite reminiscent.
11:59Shouldn't we raise the alarm?
12:02Raise the alarm?
12:04Is it worth it?
12:05It's obviously a sort of suicide.
12:07It's definitely suicide.
12:09Suicide?
12:11It's the old, sad story, monsieur.
12:14Woman no longer in the flair of her youth.
12:16You're so frigid about this. Frigid?
12:18Frigid and lesbian, possibly.
12:20Yeah, obviously.
12:21Lesbian, which in future years
12:23will come to be regarded as a perfectly acceptable
12:25alternative lifestyle.
12:27But in these dark times,
12:29it's simply a cabaret act
12:31on a Friday night in the coach and horses.
12:34I'm so depressed and, dare I say it, pug-nosed.
12:39She sinks into a bottomless well
12:42of pug-nosed, frigid, lesbionic despair,
12:45as you would want.
12:47Grabs an axe and chops herself
12:49into these 14-ish pieces.
12:54It's the classic suicide scenario.
12:56I see, no problem.
12:57It's murder, anyone can see.
12:59The woman looks like a steak tartare.
13:02What do you want me to do about it, monsieur?
13:04Put her back together?
13:07Compared to what she used to look like,
13:09this is the equivalent of a makeover.
13:13I must insist on informing the proper authorities.
13:19She won't thank you
13:20when they all come and throw up on her carpets.
13:24Might this not be an opportune moment
13:26to chercher le document?
13:29What?
13:30To look for the document?
13:32Don't worry about that.
13:33No, to be on the safe side, come on.
13:35You won't find anything, I'm positive.
13:38I have another theory.
13:40Oh, how dreadful it must have been.
13:44Of course, you must promise not to upset me
13:47with all the grisly, revolting details.
13:50I'm sure I should swoon.
13:52Or vomit.
13:54Probably both.
13:56Although I suspect
13:58that if one's swooning
13:59and one's breakfast shoots violently
14:01out of one's mouth and nose,
14:03things run to one's senses.
14:05Have you heard that?
14:07I'm rather upset at the moment.
14:09Then I must cheer you up
14:11with some light conversation.
14:14Was the corpse hideously decayed
14:16or merely in the first stages of putrefaction?
14:20It's only us
14:21because she was carried out in six buckets.
14:24The important thing is
14:26you promptly informed the authorities.
14:28Yes, yes, I did.
14:31And at this early stage of enquiries,
14:33does the finger of suspicion point to
14:36any particular evil, corrupt and depraved person?
14:49Ideally, of course,
14:50I'm looking for a job in the domestic sector.
14:54You know, gentleman's play thing,
14:56something like that.
14:57So if you hear of something,
14:59I mean, obviously I'm going to stay with Madame
15:01until all hope is lost,
15:02so anything after Friday should be perfect.
15:05Madame, I'm happy to say
15:07everyone is rooting for you.
15:09Big, huge loyalty coming your way.
15:12Have you seen these?
15:13Yes.
15:14It's iron.
15:15I know.
15:16It's iron shackles.
15:17With my skin tone.
15:20Ridiculous.
15:21Look at this horrible wall.
15:24Monsieur, I am a contest.
15:26I demand to be chained to a nicer wall.
15:30Did you bring it?
15:31Yes, I brought it, yes.
15:32Hurry up, hurry up.
15:33No time to waste.
15:35Oh, I know.
15:37I mean, they say the rack's inhumane,
15:39but you try slipping these for hours on end.
15:43And how one is supposed to do one's business,
15:45I don't know.
15:47Am I a beast, monsieur,
15:49or am I a stand-in here with groaning underwear?
15:55Calm-a-voo, mistress,
15:57for I have managed to obtain the key to your manifold.
16:00Oh, actually.
16:01Oh, yes.
16:02Actually, look.
16:03I put it down here.
16:04Oh, quickly.
16:05Hi.
16:10Go away, go away.
16:12Diddy doody.
16:14You know when you was, like, down there earlier,
16:17you didn't find a key, did you?
16:19No.
16:20You sure?
16:21Oh, you dirty little bugger.
16:25What is it?
16:26He's a devil, that one.
16:27He's got a lovely bottom, though.
16:28I'd like to bite it.
16:29Oh, what?
16:31There.
16:32Ah, madame.
16:34I was hoping I might catch you in.
16:37What do you want?
16:38Well, feeling, as one does,
16:40a tad responsible for your present predicament,
16:44and given that you might,
16:45one hopes and prays, beat the rat,
16:48I would like to present you with a small token of my personal...
16:52Bitch! Bitch!
16:54Yes, thank you, and inform you that...
16:57Murdering snot-rag!
16:59Evil and venomous lump of cockerel shit!
17:03Everyone is rooting for you!
17:05Slag!
17:06Oh!
17:07Oh!
17:08Oh, mongrel!
17:09Oh, is that enough, dear?
17:11We shall be late for mass.
17:12Oh, my goodness, say we shall.
17:16Come on, the set, the set!
17:18Oh, sorry, sorry.
17:19Oh, mongrel!
17:21There.
17:22I have never mongered a whore in my life.
17:25I wouldn't have had a monger one
17:27even if she had a sign around her neck
17:29saying mongering a speciality.
17:31Yes, expert mongeree.
17:33I mean, does everyone think I'm guilty?
17:35No, no, no, no, no, no.
17:37Oh, no, no, no.
17:38Lots of people are prepared to reserve judgement
17:41just so long as your head gets chopped off.
17:46Is that the petition for my release?
17:48Yes, yes, it is, madame, yes.
17:50I did as you instructed and went round the palace.
17:53As you can see, there was an overwhelming response.
17:57Yes, plenty of names.
17:59Yes, if a list of names will secure your freedom,
18:02we've got names.
18:04Oh, well done.
18:05Let me have a look.
18:06No, no, no, no.
18:07Oh, sorry.
18:09Wendy and Misty and Old Arrow.
18:12Friends of yours later.
18:14Oh, Grace, Smokey.
18:18Merrylegs.
18:21Merrylegs.
18:22What's up?
18:23What's up with these names?
18:25Oh, mainly horses, madame.
18:29Yes, but they all love you and they're very upset.
18:33What's it, Giddyup and Stinker?
18:35Yes, both angrily refusing their oats in sympathy.
18:39Are there no people?
18:40People, madame? How do you mean, people?
18:42Important personages.
18:44Oh, hoomans?
18:45Yes, archbishops, popes,
18:47anyone unaccustomed to nosebags
18:49and having an arm shoved up the backside.
18:52I shouldn't think so, not amongst the clergy, madame.
18:56What's the matter with people?
18:58I know your secrets!
19:00I mean, do they not fear me?
19:02My tongue is a cocked weapon.
19:04Do they not quiver with dread
19:06at the scandal I might disclose
19:08if I'm not released immediately?
19:10I think they do, yes.
19:12Well, what are they going to do about it?
19:25I must compliment you on your dungeon, monsieur.
19:29How gratifying to know that when it comes to a nauseating stink,
19:33we French really lead the way.
19:36I was wondering if madame was awake yet.
19:39Oh, you mean, is the murdering bitch awake yet?
19:42Yes, that's the one.
19:44She's having breakfast.
19:46Now, there's lots of fish bits in this.
19:48So if you get a bone stuck, just say...
19:54You want more? You want more?
19:56There we go.
19:57Ah, madame.
19:59You're looking...
20:01..well.
20:02Madame is not at all well.
20:04In fact, she caught a very nasty head cold last night.
20:07Didn't you love her?
20:08See? See?
20:10I hear she has elected to conduct her own defence.
20:13She most certainly has.
20:15And I'm sure she will prove her innocence
20:17to everyone's complete satisfaction.
20:19So long as nobody mentions the axe.
20:23The axe?
20:25Anyone as interested in forestry as my mistress
20:28would be bound to have a very large blood-stained axe
20:31wrapped up in a sack under their mattress.
20:34We have decided that this little piece of evidence
20:37is not relevant to the case.
20:39And since you are the one responsible for madame's sojourn here,
20:43we have decided you are the one to get rid of it.
20:46I'm sure you have no end of friends in need of a big chopper.
20:53Mistress. Mistress.
20:55She can't hear me.
20:57Mistress.
20:58No word from Monsieur Buffon, but he's on his way.
21:01Courage.
21:10Oh.
21:15I know those lovely bulgy thighs.
21:17It's Julien.
21:20I am the investigating officer, madame Julien Désir.
21:24Remove the mask.
21:29Do you recollect me, sir?
21:42A mucus.
21:45A mucus in there.
21:59Where is Buffon?
22:01I know not.
22:03We'll try and string it out.
22:05What were your movements on the day of August the 15th?
22:12Well?
22:17I had a small one-and-a-varse, monsieur.
22:20No, no, no, no, no.
22:22He had a small one-and-a-varse.
22:25He had a small one-and-a-varse.
22:27No, he means, what was madame doing all day?
22:32Well, I keep telling you I was in bed.
22:36You were not visited by the Marquis de Foufou?
22:40I was, to the best of my memory, not visited.
22:47I put it to you, madame, that you then placed your bosoms on a balance
22:51to prove they were bigger.
22:53Ridiculous. No, no, no.
22:56And when the Marquis did the same,
22:58was the counterweight not flung 40 yards out of a window,
23:01fatally injuring a horse?
23:04It was a very old horse.
23:06You could have stunned it with a croissant, monsieur.
23:09The surprise is that her bosoms were any bigger than mine.
23:12I mean, did you ever see the woman?
23:14I mean, of course...
23:17Oh, dear, she's suddenly fainted.
23:20Adjourn.
23:22We now turn to...
23:25We now turn to the day of the crime.
23:28Where were you, madame?
23:30I was in bed.
23:33All day! Oh, give it to me, big boy!
23:38You never left your room, not once, from sunrise to sunset?
23:42No!
23:43And is there a single person in France, madame,
23:46who can vouch for that?
23:48Er, yes. Yes, there is.
23:52What?
23:54What?
23:56Nobody can do it! I can't!
23:58I'm not letting you to lie. They don't know where you were.
24:01You see, that's the whole point.
24:03They do know where I was, don't they?
24:05All of them do. I was at them when I...
24:07With him and him and him and him twice.
24:09Thank you so bloody atrociously much.
24:11Merci beaucoup.
24:13The prisoner will rise.
24:15I don't think I didn't know every time we went past an army barracks,
24:19400 privates stood to attention.
24:21Colombine bet rancide.
24:24Contest de vache, you have been found guilty.
24:27Ah, wait a minute, monsieur.
24:29I was bouffant. I'm about to start my defence.
24:34I, the contest de vache,
24:37have been conducting my own investigations, monsieur,
24:42into this complex matter,
24:44and I think I will find that the name of the murderer,
24:50the name of this hideous psychopath,
24:54his name, his label,
24:57that by which we identify him,
25:01the man who has committed this horrible crime,
25:05this cutter-upper and aristocrat,
25:08we will find, sir, that his name, sir,
25:13his name is Monsieur Coco Labiche.
25:18Excellent choice.
25:20Yes, couturier to Madame de Plange.
25:23There you have it.
25:25And the murder weapon, the axe,
25:27is hop, hop, under, under the pillow.
25:31The bed. The bed. The axe is under his bed.
25:34So, monsieur, I think my innocence is proved.
25:37Case dismissed. That's adjourned.
25:39Liberté. Nice working with you.
25:41Let's have lunch, Lisette, shall we?
25:55That's a nice day for it.
25:57We've been very lucky with our executions, haven't we?
26:02I've booked.
26:04Come on, you two.
26:06Go on. We never doubted you for a minute.
26:09We did, we did. We did not, dear.
26:11Vive la comtesse.
26:13Yes, vive. Vive.
26:15Long may she live.
26:17Well, it's only time for the off.
26:19Yeah. Come on, chop-chop.
26:21You're making a terrible mistake.
26:24That man's a genius.
26:26He's a fashion guru. He's directional.
26:29That man is...
26:30Dead.
26:32Ooh!
26:38Who'd have thought that the person you detested the most
26:42in the entire palace
26:44would turn out to be the murderer?
26:48It just goes to show you can't trust anyone, can you?
26:51I don't mind telling you, Bouffal,
26:53I've been having nightmares about this.
26:55I don't know what to think about it. I might need counselling.
26:59I mean, how could she do it?
27:01I know.
27:02She's a sick, twisted, depraved individual.
27:06No, I mean, how did she actually do it?
27:09Oh, with the axe.
27:11No, think about it.
27:12For her to have done that,
27:14she would have to have got out of bed,
27:16put her wig on, put her dress on,
27:18opened countless doors by herself.
27:22Well, that's impossible.
27:24I know! I know!
27:26She must be innocent.
27:28No, that's impossible.
27:30See, that's why I can't get my head round.
27:32And to top it all, it's tea time!
27:37You take that tray in this time.
27:39No. No, I think I'd rather not.
27:42No, come on, you take it in this...
27:44I don't do teas.
27:46But I'll tell you something, I'm not going in there.
27:49I don't know what you're so upset about.
27:51I mean, here am I, plain, hairy-legged
27:55and lightly moustached,
27:57and yet I'm happy and smiling.
28:00HE GIGGLES
28:04Stop it.
28:05Oh, just stop it.
28:07Miss Edds!
28:09Come and take it away. I'm bored of it now.
28:12I thought it'd be more fun.
28:14It'd be more fun.
28:16It'd be more fun.
28:18APPLAUSE
28:20HE GIGGLES
28:50THE END