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00:55Who are you?
00:57What?
00:58Gentleman, I hope.
01:00A thief, certainly.
01:01A thief?
01:02Well, then you are also a drool and a boobie.
01:05No one steals from the Contest de Vache Monsieur
01:07unless he wants to spend the next...
01:08the next 10 years looking for his scrotum.
01:10Oh.
01:12I steal only kisses.
01:14I'm a plunderer of passion, my dear.
01:16Oh.
01:17A cutbass of copulation.
01:19Oh, are you?
01:20Oh.
01:22My lust is inexhaustible.
01:24Is it? Is it?
01:25Oh. Oh.
01:27You will not deny me.
01:28Oh, I don't think I will.
01:30Oh, what's that?
01:31Oh.
01:32It's a feather.
01:33Oh.
01:34Oh, no, I think I have a feathered cocktail.
01:37You have a lot to learn.
01:39Oh.
01:40Will you teach me?
01:41Yes.
01:42Oh, teach me.
01:43Yes, teach me everything you know.
01:45Oh, yes.
01:47Oh. Oh.
01:48Oh, ravish me.
01:50Oh.
01:52Morning.
01:54I hear the Marquis de Sade has escaped from prison again.
01:59Oh.
02:00Mistress.
02:02Oh, Mistress.
02:08Incroyable.
02:11That's the only word for it.
02:13Incroyable.
02:16That is a word, isn't it?
02:18Yes, that's one of them.
02:20You realize I was sleeping in the next room?
02:22I mean, that could have been me grossly debauched
02:24with a pig's bladder pulled down over my head.
02:27Mind you, I have done that at parties.
02:30I assume Madame is going ahead
02:32with her appointments for the day?
02:34Going ahead?
02:36Any idea what I have been through, monsieur?
02:38I have been subjected to things
02:40that even she hasn't done.
02:44Oh, the apple!
02:45The apple!
02:46The apple!
02:47No, Mistress, I have removed the apple already.
02:49Oh.
02:50I just thank God it wasn't Friday,
02:52otherwise that would have been a melon by your bed.
02:54Croissant, croissant.
02:55All right.
02:56Might I remind Madame about the portrait?
02:58Portrait?
02:59Madame has an appointment to sit
03:01for possibly the greatest living artist in the world.
03:05Well, in case you haven't noticed,
03:07I'm in no condition to sit for anything at the moment.
03:09That's right.
03:10Can't we leave it a week or two?
03:12Madame Vigée Le Brun is a very in-demand artiste.
03:16She's departing in six days
03:18to paint General Fauxpas in America.
03:20Well, I'm afraid the general will have to wait.
03:22He can't wait. He's dead.
03:24And as soon as they've found all the bits,
03:26the king wishes him immortalized.
03:28Oh, I trust this Madame Ouideridouda.
03:30Vigée Le Brun.
03:32Ouideridouda.
03:33Plus, she's highly fashionable.
03:34The height of fashion.
03:36I don't pose for anybody, you know.
03:37She's not an anybody.
03:39I believe that Ducheste de Dunkirk
03:41was so pleased with her portrait, she hung it in the loo.
03:45No, no, no.
03:46Louvre.
03:47I'm sorry, Louvre.
03:49Where it is hoped one day there might be
03:51a very famous art gallery.
03:53I won't pose for someone who's normally accustomed
03:55to whitewashing a vestibule.
03:57I've done that. Look at her.
03:58That's horrible.
03:59Those aren't my feet.
04:02The woman is a phenomenon.
04:04Never has there been a more glittering,
04:06talked-about,
04:08incandescent personality.
04:10Look at your paint.
04:12Is that relevant?
04:13Well, I hear she did a stunning job
04:15with the Baroness de Boulogne's schnauzer.
04:21She didn't pose with her schnauzer!
04:25She didn't show her schnauzer!
04:27We have to see that, Lizette!
04:29We have to see her schnauzer!
04:35It's not quite what you're thinking, Madame.
04:37It's actually a dog.
04:41That's horrible.
04:43No, no, no.
04:45That is her artistic style, Madame.
04:47Sentimental.
04:49Yeah, she likes doing portraits, you know,
04:51where people are weeping over their dead pets
04:53kind of thing.
04:56You know, like,
04:58my poor, beloved hamster is gone.
05:00My rabbit shall rut no more.
05:02Oh, my God, my guppy's dead!
05:04You know, that sort of thing.
05:06Yeah, I see, yes.
05:08I think this might be a good opportunity
05:10to show Madame's softer,
05:12feminine,
05:14more romantic side.
05:16Oh, that'd be good, yes.
05:18My softer, romantic or feminine side.
05:20Just go and kill some animals, Lizette.
05:22Ow!
05:24Is this a dress or a contraceptive, Monsieur?
05:26If I'd been allowed to take measurements.
05:28Oh, you're a good toby there.
05:30You should be able to use your eye.
05:32Unfortunately, I didn't have an eye wide enough.
05:36That's her, that's her!
05:38A ladle!
05:40Ladle?
05:42If I am to get my boy Stephen Halfway in,
05:44I will require a ladle!
05:46I trust Madame had a good journey?
05:48Sure did, yeah.
05:51I came from next door,
05:53doing a poodle in oils.
05:55Would the little bugger stay still,
05:57would it, bollocks.
06:01Had to murder it.
06:03Still,
06:05she's got the picture to remind her.
06:07But, like I said,
06:09she can stroke that with no fear of getting the mange.
06:11Oh, I know.
06:13You wouldn't believe the amount of mange
06:15we have to put up with these days.
06:17It's this period in history, dear.
06:19You know the only way
06:21to cure a poodle of the mange?
06:23Boil it for six hours.
06:25Calms up like new.
06:27Probably calms it down
06:29quite considerably, I should think.
06:41Cheers.
06:45What?
06:48What?
06:50That's an interesting face you've got there, dear,
06:52isn't it?
06:54Ever been done in pastels?
06:56No, I haven't travelled much at all, actually.
07:02Now, I don't want you to treat me
07:04with too much respect, because I am also
07:06from the gutter.
07:08Father was a prostitute, mother ran off
07:10before I was born.
07:12I've eaten horse droppings, dear,
07:14and you don't forget that in a week.
07:16The thing to do is to marry well,
07:18which I did.
07:20Lovely man.
07:22Not huge in the dick department,
07:24but very well-endowed.
07:26So, shall we slap some
07:28carmine on the canvas?
07:30Right, well, I'll just
07:32ascertain if madame is ready.
07:36Well?
07:38A triumph.
07:40Never has there been such a
07:42colossus of beauty.
07:45You can't see me, can you?
07:47Yes, yes.
07:49Bits.
07:51Mistress?
07:53Who put you up to that?
07:55Mistress?
07:57That really is just so...
07:59It's...
08:01Well, it's a dress.
08:03If mistress is ready,
08:05I'd like to introduce you to madame
08:07Vigée Labrèche.
08:09Excellent.
08:11Her?
08:13She's just shuttling in.
08:15Could you get me some wine, dear?
08:17Nothing expensive, because in my family
08:19the nearest we got to a good claret was
08:21Humpinger Vintner, who I might add
08:23has much noted for his bouquet.
08:25Ah, I've heard
08:27very good reports of you, madame.
08:31Bloody hell.
08:35I trust you have everything you need.
08:40Shall I bring the bottle?
08:42Bring the barrel.
08:48May I make a suggestion?
08:50I believe I am something of a trendsetter.
08:52Yes?
08:54Lose the wig.
08:56Because, you see,
08:58we don't need it.
09:00What?
09:02I think we do.
09:04Trust me on this.
09:06Flowing, flowing, natural locks.
09:08That's all the rage now.
09:10Can we try it?
09:12I don't know.
09:14Come on.
09:16Very well.
09:18Flowing locks.
09:26Dear, have we had the porks?
09:30No, just the mange.
09:32If I may say so, madame,
09:35the wig brings something to a woman.
09:37Well, it certainly brings hair.
09:41On second thoughts,
09:43I think we can live with the wig.
09:45Because, frankly,
09:47I don't have a one-bristle paintbrush.
09:49However, the dress will have to go.
09:51This is an outrage.
09:55This garment, madame.
09:57Is that what it was that you said?
09:59Reflection of my personality.
10:01Are we having treatments?
10:03Now, are you telling me
10:05this is not the very zenith of fashion?
10:07Not in France, no.
10:09Although I do know
10:11a couple of transvestites
10:13who'd give anything.
10:15What we're looking for now
10:17is simplicity.
10:19Like this.
10:21Basic, comfortable.
10:23Not got her tits rammed in
10:25like a couple of pressed ducks.
10:27Do I have anything like that?
10:30Ah!
10:32What?
10:34Hmm? Simple.
10:36Very simple. Unostentatious.
10:38Unostentatious, monsieur.
10:40And what is your
10:42response to this revolution
10:44in haute couture?
10:46Hanging gardens of Babylon!
10:48I was simply following
10:50madame's instructions.
10:52Start with the Taj Mahal and work up.
10:54And with the prices you charge,
10:56monsieur, I could have bought the real thing.
10:58Believe me, dear,
11:00you'd have had trouble getting into that, too.
11:02I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
11:04Yet another triumph
11:06for Maison Buffon.
11:08You people look so smug.
11:10I paid for that dress.
11:12Believe me, somewhere this high
11:14there's a horse
11:16still looking for his nose bag.
11:18It certainly had my oats in it.
11:20What I require,
11:22monsieur,
11:24is something understated,
11:27something elegant, something diaphanous,
11:29something you can see me through.
11:31By the time
11:33madame Virgin Lubricant
11:35returns tomorrow, I demand to be the very
11:37epitome of style!
11:43Morning!
11:49Oh.
11:53He's been back again, hasn't he?
11:55Am I right?
11:57You've got to hand it to him, though.
11:59He's very creative with his fruit.
12:03Here, here, here.
12:05What?
12:07Other banana!
12:09Other banana!
12:17I want him found.
12:19I want him dragged back here.
12:22And I want disgusting,
12:24diabolical, painful things
12:26done to him.
12:28I think he'd quite enjoy that.
12:30I should think he'd pay for it.
12:32I mean, I know protection.
12:34I am certain, mistress, he'll soon be back
12:36behind bars, where he will
12:38fester and rot and moulder and die.
12:40But just in case,
12:42I've put a big spiky trench in under
12:44your pillow.
12:46From now on, you're sleeping in my bedroom,
12:48as my mistress wishes.
12:50Caution, madame, safety in numbers.
12:52Oh, no, I won't be there.
12:54What?
12:56If there's any trouble, I'll be just the other side of the Alps.
12:58What?
13:00He'll be quite safe, nothing to worry about.
13:02He doesn't actually kill people, does he?
13:04At the last count, I believe it was 132.
13:06What?
13:08Oh, well.
13:10That's over ten years.
13:12Thirteen.
13:14Thirteen a year? What's thirteen?
13:16Unlucky for some.
13:19Flee!
13:21Flee for your lives!
13:23Oh, the great defiler of women has struck again.
13:25We shall all most assuredly be debauched
13:27in our nighties.
13:29And quite possibly, defecated on.
13:31Does he do that, dear?
13:33I thought he did, dear.
13:35No, that's a dupe to Dordogne, you dear.
13:37Well, they both deserve a good
13:39smash bottom beer.
13:41Flee!
13:43Run!
13:45Run and flee!
13:47Run!
13:49Flee!
13:51Just run and flee!
13:53I must pack, I must pack!
13:55Oh, but I must only take the bare minimum.
13:57Just 15 or 16 dresses.
13:59No, 15 or 16.
14:01No, 50! 50 dresses!
14:11Will you get a carriage for me
14:13and ten for the jury?
14:16Would Madame permit me a teeny question?
14:18Oh, yes.
14:20Well, I cannot notice in that everybody is,
14:22as they say in common parlance,
14:24which I think is the right expression for people
14:26who speak normal, doing a runner.
14:28Which is understandable, isn't it?
14:30Because no one wants to be attacked
14:32in the night by an evil and vicious pervert.
14:34No offence.
14:36Well, not everyone is leaving.
14:38No, that's right, isn't it?
14:40Because there's me, isn't there?
14:42I'm staying.
14:44Well, I'm sure Madame can guess
14:46my question, then.
14:48I am not in the habit of explaining
14:50my actions, Lisette.
14:52You're staying because I've said you're staying.
14:54Unless, of course, you would prefer to leave
14:56my employ and return to your previous
14:58profession.
15:07Do I have a good time, sir?
15:09I'm a busty 16-year-old, very good French,
15:11Greeks extra, obviously.
15:14Can I interest you in some fun, sir?
15:16Come on, quickly, quickly.
15:18Oh, oh, get off, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
15:20Don't give them anything, they're all professionals.
15:25Like a good time, sir?
15:27Or a bad time, I do both.
15:32I'd like to visit my special love grotto, sir.
15:34Oh, Lisette.
15:42Lisette.
15:44You look very pretty.
15:46I've come to offer you one last final chance,
15:48Lisette. Come back now
15:50and we shall say no more about it.
15:52Chinese princess, dear.
15:54I'm educated in all the many
15:56mystical oriental arts of pleasure.
16:00Perhaps you don't realise
16:02what I am going through.
16:04I am the victim of constant and vicious
16:06sexual harassment. So?
16:08Oh, you quite like that kind of thing,
16:10don't you? Does madame
16:12take me for a drool and a boobie?
16:14Oh, yes, a bit, obviously.
16:16I may not have been educated at university,
16:18madame, but I am no one's gobesmouche
16:20or rantipole. Now, move along,
16:22you stinking wretch, and get your own patch.
16:24Half-price tart available,
16:26bargains, kids.
16:28Can I ring your bell, sir?
16:30Oh, move off, move off.
16:32If ever a wrong tree was barked up, dear,
16:34he's it.
16:38I just want to go over and explain to that ignorant
16:40baggage why it is imperative that she
16:42return. I'm not sure that being
16:44murdered is sufficient incentive.
16:46The incentive, monsieur, is that
16:48she's saving my life.
16:50The Marquis de Sade is obviously obsessed with
16:52my extraordinarily glacial beauty
16:54and won't desist until I am ravaged to extinction.
16:56Or...
16:58Someone he thinks is madame.
17:00Yes, her.
17:02Surely there must be some alternative.
17:08Move in it, monsieur.
17:10Move, move.
17:12Walk up and down, feel the dress.
17:14Oh, I must retire.
17:16Come on, sing.
17:18Do something. I thought you people
17:20were supposed to be good at this. Some of us.
17:22Others would rather be seen molesting
17:24a partridge. Yes, and have been.
17:26Oh, it's hopeless. You're nothing
17:28but a grotesque parody of
17:30a woman, sir. Oh, take it off.
17:32I shall go back to Lisette and use
17:34every ounce of my charm.
17:38God bless you, sir.
17:40Come again.
17:42If you can manage it.
17:46Hello.
17:48Madame Lattista.
17:50Do you remember me? Simple and ostentatious.
17:52Hello.
17:54What brings you to these dark, dirty,
17:56dangerous back streets?
17:58Visiting, my dear. My parents.
18:00Oh. Of course, I did think of
18:02introducing them to my new and luxurious lifestyle,
18:04but then I thought, why?
18:06Happy? I should be so lucky
18:08only to have a collapsed lung and rickets
18:10to worry about. Yeah, they're amongst their
18:12own kind here, aren't they? That's right.
18:14Also,
18:16it gives me somewhere to go when the monkey
18:18decides escapes. Yeah. Well, there's nothing
18:20for him here, is there? Only
18:22syphilis, dear. And he's got
18:24that already.
18:26As a matter of fact, he's back behind bars.
18:28Oh. Is he?
18:30I didn't know that.
18:32They're keeping it very hush-hush
18:34because he didn't officially escape.
18:36The basti walls,
18:38you see, are supposed to be
18:40impregnable, and he keeps
18:42impregnating them.
18:44Oh.
18:46Is there no end to his depravities?
18:50So, hang on.
18:52No one knows he's back behind bars?
18:54Shh.
18:56Au revoir. Au revoir.
19:00No, sorry, love. Closed.
19:04Oh, my food,
19:06my food.
19:08You see, everyone has their weaknesses, monsieur, and I think I know hers.
19:10A fancy supper somewhere
19:12and what I've got in my purse should persuade
19:14her. So, where's
19:16the nearest clean and respectable eating house?
19:18Garcon, garcon.
19:20Parasite.
19:22Oh, yeah.
19:24Parasite.
19:26It's customary around aristocrats.
19:28Oh, right.
19:30How pleasant.
19:32You know, it brings back fond memories
19:34of when you worked for me, Lisette.
19:36It is of that I wish
19:38to speak, Lisette.
19:40D'accord. Naturellement.
19:42Je vous écoute.
19:44Yes, yes. Well, no, no,
19:46listen, listen.
19:48What I want to say is I want you to return.
19:50Certainly, yes.
19:52I mean, I'm cognizant of the dangers, but I'm prepared
19:54to pay... I beg your pardon.
19:56Return? Yes.
19:58Happily. And probably quite surprisingly
20:00for you, I should think,
20:02that you are agreeing to come back
20:04to work for me. Yes.
20:06You're going to come back to work for me, and that's agreed.
20:08You're going to agree to come back to work for me. Yes.
20:10It's a lot.
20:12Well, no need to hang around here.
20:14Much as I'd like to stay for the birth,
20:16my carriage
20:18is blocking
20:20a cul-de-sac.
20:22Well, we can't have that, can we? No, no, no, no.
20:24You don't want to be towed away, do you?
20:26Absolutely not. Come on, let's go. Certainly.
20:28As soon as Madame has signed
20:30this contract.
20:34Ah, this is it.
20:36This contract.
20:38Which you have signed, Madame.
20:40Yeah. But here it says
20:44I must not sing.
20:46Yeah, that's right, yeah.
20:48I thought you liked my singing.
20:50Well, there is one song.
20:52Oh, yes, I know it, I know it, I know it.
20:54Oh, silly
20:56sheep, oh, silly
20:58sheep, for you
21:00I've not but shown
21:02that I
21:04have asked
21:06my heart
21:08and cried
21:10for you.
21:14That's the one, yeah.
21:16Sing that one more time,
21:18and I am now legally entitled to
21:20nail your tongue to the wardrobe.
21:22Oh, hi.
21:26Oh, what about this bit here?
21:28On page 2, paragraph 5.
21:30Remind me of that one. It says
21:32Madame must learn to
21:34pee-pee in the
21:36pot provided
21:38and not on the living room floor.
21:40Yes, and never again in
21:42company, thank you.
21:44Oh, I'm impressed about that.
21:46I mean, sometimes, what if
21:48the pot's in another room? I mean, it can take me
21:50six months in these dresses to get through here.
21:52Well, then Madame must learn to hold
21:54on to it, just like everybody else.
21:56I can't, I can't. I'm just not born to that.
21:58I can't.
22:00What?
22:04Oh, no, you're doing it
22:06again.
22:08Oh, God.
22:10I can't.
22:12I just can't. I can't help it.
22:14Well, you owe me ten leave for that,
22:16and you're going to mop that up yourself.
22:18I hope you've noticed the most important
22:20clause in there. What's that?
22:22Page 7. Oh, 7, yeah?
22:24Have a look.
22:26Madame must
22:28learn to open doors.
22:30Yeah, that's the one, yeah.
22:32No, I can't, I can't. Of course you can.
22:34Go on, give it a try. No, I can't. I refuse to make any
22:36effort on that one, Madame. I refuse.
22:38All right, then. I completely understand.
22:40I'm off now, then. All right, I'll try. I'll try.
22:42I'll try.
22:44Give me a moment.
22:46It's a door.
22:48A lovely door.
22:50That's interesting, isn't it?
22:52It goes down.
22:54That's interesting. Now, this area
22:56is where you need to concentrate. Here.
23:00Come on.
23:02Put your hand on there,
23:04on the handle. Turn and pull.
23:06I've got no strength.
23:08I've got no strength. On, turn, pull.
23:10I can't do it. Just do it.
23:12Do it!
23:14You see,
23:16now you've got your wig in the way.
23:20That's more
23:22like it, isn't it?
23:24Yes, it is. Natural
23:26and relaxed.
23:28I almost feel we could have a breast hanging out
23:30if it takes your fancy. Oh, no.
23:32That's fine.
23:34I only ask because it can
23:36focus attention away from an uninteresting face.
23:38Right.
23:40Actually, Madame, I would like to be seen
23:42as a sensitive, very
23:44human woman. Human?
23:46Yes. We can try.
23:48Oh.
23:50Madame,
23:52Madame, I thought perhaps
23:54weeping over a dead canary.
23:56Do we have a dead
23:58canary?
24:00Yes, we do.
24:04And I thought I would stand about here
24:06looking up at Madame with something
24:08just short of admiration.
24:10Am I doing both? I didn't realise.
24:12No, I didn't realise. Oh, yes.
24:14Page four, clause two.
24:16It's quite specific.
24:18No, she's right, she's right. Thank you.
24:20Would you like a breast out, dear? Oh, yes, absolutely.
24:22I'll do both if you like.
24:24Now, that's interesting, isn't it?
24:26I thought it made quite a good contrast with the canary.
24:28What do you think?
24:32Uh-oh, uh-oh.
24:34Oh.
24:36Mmm.
24:38Uh-oh.
24:56Let's look over there.
24:58LAUGHTER
25:08Page four,
25:10clause two, subsection three.
25:12I'm hungry.
25:16It's getting rather dark out there.
25:18She'll be all right, will you?
25:20Sleeping here all alone
25:22and unprotected in this rather eerie,
25:24rather
25:26easily broken into
25:28bedroom.
25:30Page one, it's page one of the contract.
25:32Yes, I know.
25:34I'm sure I shall be most comfortable.
25:38Bit of a storm brewing out there.
25:40But you don't mind that, you know,
25:42huge thunder and lightning and things.
25:44No, no.
25:46You'll be all right.
25:48Sleep well. You've got your pineapple.
25:50LAUGHTER
25:52I'm sure I shall enjoy that.
25:54All right, then.
25:56Night-night.
25:58Tchoo!
26:00Tchoo!
26:02I confess
26:04myself a tad confused,
26:06madame.
26:08Surely the Marquis de Sade was apprehended
26:10early this morning.
26:12Yes, he was.
26:14Bit of a hunchback, apparently.
26:16Yes, long straggly beard, teeth falling out
26:18all over the place.
26:20What belonged here?
26:22Will you be going out again tonight?
26:24Just for a while, dear.
26:28LAUGHTER
26:34Oh, sleep well, then, will you?
26:36LAUGHTER
26:38This way, madame. This way, madame. Here.
26:40Sit up here.
26:42Now, the best problem
26:44in or out, dear?
26:46What do we think?
26:48Now, where is that contract?
26:50What do you think, Lizette?
26:52The pineapple or the contract?
26:54Oh, the contract, I think.
26:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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